The Archers Thursday 30th June 2011: When Real and Extra collide

• Uncomfortable
• Team Rhys Vs team Harry
• Clarrie’s off sick
• We hear the crash again
• Kenton to the rescue

Uncomfortable

Is what I’d call tonight’s eavesdropping episode.

Not that anything controversial or particularly untoward happened.

It was just that Ambridge Extra and the real world of Ambridge came together into one, slightly repetitive (if you eavesdrop into both), certainly confusing, awkward eavesdropping episode.

Something to do with Ambridge Extra finishing?



Team Rhys Vs team Harry

As we join Ambridge, the bike race has just started (it was already over in Ambridge Extra). So, we already know that the race ends up not really being a race.

[Rhys] “Eats my shorts milko!”

Was the only new bit to be added. Although we did hear Fallon and Jolene speaking before and after the event. But, they didn’t really say much …


Clarrie’s off sick

Blimey!

That is news.

But we didn’t get to hear much more about it. The secret microphones were too busy trying to stitch Extra with real.



We hear the crash again

And then Harry and Rhys calling 999.


Kenton to the rescue

What is new in ‘real’ Ambridge, compared to Ambridge Extra, is hearing Jamie call Kenton. And then Kenton taking control of the situation to actually be of real help to Jamie.

With Jolene’s help, Kenton manages to calm Jamie down. Persuade him that Marty and Steve are okay (they both managed to walk to the ambulance). Also persuade him that he does need to tell Kathy.

When Kathy is told, she’s worried but also relieved that Jamie didn’t get into the car. She and Kenton then persuade Jamie that he will need to tell the Police what he knows about the theft and the crash.

Though Jamie is worried about ratting on his friends, he’s a bit reassured that him speaking out will actually help Marty – as it was all Steve’s idea.

So Jamie is easily persuaded by adults (for once). Kenton’s been useful (for once). Kathy has been calm (for once).

Could peace be ahoy?

(and I am very aware that this blog posting is a bit weak, but very much a case of a workman having bad tools …).

Ambridge Extra Thursday 30th June 2011: Final episode?

• Was that the last Ambridge Extra?
• Kenton didn’t lose his battery
• Chas wakes up
• Rhys races Harry
• Moronic Mates crash
• Actually, Natalie might be a bad ‘un
• Alice belongs

Was that the last Ambridge Extra?

I think so.

Or, the last of this ‘series’.

Has it been worth tuning into the eavesdropping moments of Ambridge’s younger residents?

I started out loathing it, moved to being slightly interested, moved back to loathing (those bursts of hit parade music and teen language was quite irritating), but was again interested as we heard more from Chas and Alice.

Could have done without the moronic Steve and Marty – but I suppose we couldn’t hear from Jamie without them.

Bit of a mixed bag, then.

If it was an experiment to attract the youngsters to Ambridge, then I suppose it might have worked (but would need to ask a teen).


Kenton didn’t lose his battery

As Steve and Marty didn’t steal it.

Steve reckons it was too big, but he probably just didn’t try and steal it as he only had Marty for an audience.

So after all his bluster, Steve had to call Spencer to come and give him a jump start. Which is what the (increasingly sensible) Jamie had said to do.


Chas wakes up

So Alice and Chris immediately accost him, so that he can confirm to Chris the truth about his non-relationship relationship with Alice.

When they first walk in, Alice asks Chas how he’s feeling:

[Chas] “Never better. Nothing like a two week sleep to refresh one’s self”

(the bang on the head hasn’t made Chas a less of an ar*e, then)

Alice doesn’t give Chas much time to focus – she’s then right on him to tell the truth. That they’ve never been more than friends. And that the trip that never was, never was a trip she’d agreed to.

But what a surprise – Chas doesn’t want to play nicely.

[Chas] “Alice, I think the time for lying is over … I know it’s difficult, but you really must admit to Chris how we feel about each other. We’re in love”

(well, we didn’t expect that to happen, did we?)

Chas tells Chris that the trip didn’t happen only because Alice got delayed and that it was what they both wanted to be together.

As Chris is about to leave, having heard enough, and believing that Alice has been cheating on him, Alice suddenly regains her (Aldridge) consciousness – and corners Chas.

If he doesn’t tell the truth – Alice will tell the Police that she lied about the night that Shaun had been assaulted (remember that? In the very first Ambridge Extra). She’ll tell them that she actually can’t remember any of it, and that Chas later admitted that he had assaulted Shaun.

[Chas] “You’re going to risk your career, your life, everything for this pathetic farm boy … you stupid, stupid girl. Can't you see you’ve been wasting your time with him? I'm the one you’re supposed to be with, not some country bumpkin who can’t even string a sentence together”

[Alice – showing no fear of a Police record] “I love Chris. And I want to spend the rest of my life with him”

[Chas] “You’re pathetic, you know that. Small minded, village mentality. No ambition. What did I ever see in you … I want my money back, every penny!”

So check mate.

And hopefully cheerio mate!


Rhys races Harry

[Rhys] “I have been taking performance enhancing substances – Shires, mainly”

But the following events put pay to the race.

Shame. We’ll never know if Wales is better than England (or vice versa).

Still, looks like they were going to use the pledge money for everyone to have a “big night”. So all’s well, really.


Moronic Mates crash

First off, Natalie catches Jamie with Steve and Marty, when he promised he wasn’t going to see them again (he chose her over them the other night).

Steve has been eyeing up a bloke’s posh car (they’re all at the pub), and the bloke leaves the keys lying around. Steve has a couple of pints, and also pockets the keys.

In between all of this, Steve and Marty have been taking the Michael out of Rhys and Harry as they race.

So. Jamie refuses to get in the (stolen) car. Steve harasses Marty to get in. Steve drives off, at speed, after Harry and Rhys. Steve then crashes the car.

Next we hear is Jamie panicking, and saying Kenton’s name.

We don’t get to hear much else – only what Jamie tells Natalie. Harry and Rhys are fine (they just fell off their bikes).



Actually, Natalie might be a bad ‘un

Natalie sees Jamie is very upset. Natalie is told that his mates have had a car crash.

But she’s still fixated on whether Jamie has chosen her over his mates. All she can be glad about is that he didn’t get in the car because he wanted to prove he had chosen her.

Not that he was safe.

And rather than helping him in his hour of need, she happily trots off to meet her mum, so that she can then go on holiday.

Hmmm.

As they part, they both say they love each other. While I have no doubt that Natalie is of value in getting Jamie away from Steve and Marty – has he just swapped the morons for a bunny boiler?


Alice belongs

As Alice and Chris get back home to Ambridge, Alice offers to not go to University to finisher her masters, so that she can get a job to help pay for the new loan Chris will have to get to pay off Chas.

Chris won’t hear of it. His business is not more important than Alice’s career.

[Chris] “You know what Chas said, bout me being a farm boy … I know I’m not sophisticated like your Uni friends, I am a bit of a country bumpkin from sleepy Ambridge ….”

[Alice] “No. He was completely out of order. I love you Chris;. And I love it here. This is where I belong”

Aw!

So, apart from having to find the money to pay Chas back (by next week), all ends well for Chris and Alice.

Here’s hoping Chas stays away for the rest of all our lives …

The Archers Wednesday 29th June 2011: Caroline says no

• 5 years for Oliver and Caroline
• Fingers crossed Josh is no Jamie
• I’ll help George make Billy Goats Gruff
• Caroline won’t be Keira’s godmother
• Nigel’s in the vineyard?
• Kids in bed, Emma and Ed start to get fruity
• Is Emma seriously that thick?

5 years for Oliver and Caroline

But Oliver is at a bit of a loose end.

Caroline’s working, so he’s just planning to cook her a nice supper.

But wait … what’s this? … Caroline!

Seems Caroline got Ed to help her keep Oliver unoccupied, so she could surprise him by taking the day off, so they could go clay pigeon shooting and have a nice lunch.

[Oliver] “I’ve been had! And I couldn’t be more delighted”

Aw. That’s nice.


Fingers crossed Josh is no Jamie

Ruth reckons Josh is “turning into a typical teenager”.

He’s sulking as he can’t get the day off to go to the Borchester Show. And he even gelled his hair before he went to Phoebe’s birthday party yesterday.

Hardly the stuff of rebellion, but I do hope (for all our sakes) that Josh’s passage into young manhood is calmer than some folks we can think of …


I’ll help George make Billy Goats Gruff

Because it wouldn’t take that much time, or effort.

Whereas George wanting to enter the Scarecrow competition is far low down Emma’s priorities.

[Emma] “Like me and Ed have got the time. I had to say no”

Now that’s just not true, is it, Emma?


Caroline won’t be Keira’s godmother

[Caroline] “You’re a believer … but I can’t in all honestly make that kind of religious commitment that goes with the role”

Though she’s Will’s godmother (is that right?), Caroline’s feels she’s changed since then, and it would be now be hypocritical.

Which is fair enough. Especially as she’s still happy to be a “secular godmother”. Which basically means doing all the fun stuff like ballet and pretty things (if Keira grows up to be that way inclined).



Nigel’s in the vineyard?

Most certainly so, according to Elizabeth.

Kenton finds her hiding out there.

[Elizabeth] “if anywhere, he’s here”

Elizabeth talks about how she feels like:

[Elizabeth] “I have to keep control of everything”

And if she doesn’t, everything will just slip out of her grasp.

Taking his moment, Kenton tries to talk to her about David.

[Elizabeth] “I don’t like feeling like I do about David, you know. I hate it. And I hate what it’s doing to the rest of the family. I can’t help it … I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t get past it.”

So while she’s sorry that this is all tearing her family apart – and folks like Pip are even visibility scared of her – she can’t even bring herself to do things like going to Brookfield, as that would be a betrayal of Nigel.

[Elizabeth] “You can all stop hoping. There’s not going to be some sort of reconciliation between me and David … I don’t think I can ever forgive him for what he did”

Kids in bed, Emma and Ed start to get fruity

But are interrupted by Oliver calling round. Again.

Ah well. Considering how much Emma is stressing over having to look after two kids, probably best there’s no chance of a third.

Is Emma seriously that thick?

A question I’ve asked often before.

Emma could be thick. Or she might just have a complete lack of empathy.

Oliver was round to tell Emma and Ed of Caroline’s decision to only be a secular godmother.

You could actually hear Emma trying to understand principles …

[Emma] “What’s that all about? Taking it all so seriously …”

[Ed] “She’s not going to agree with something she doesn’t agree with”

Thick, lack of empathy, or just sees a christening as a nice day out?

The Archers Tuesday 28th June 2011: Phoebe’s birthday

• Hayley’s letting Phoebe go
• Brenda and her stiff letter
• The Village Hall isn’t Glastonbury
• Kate’s being useful … and nice
• You will always find them in the kitchen at parties
• Stop them sneaking out?
• Jennifer hears the good news about Corinthia Hart
• Ah – that’s more like Kate

Hayley’s letting Phoebe go

It seems that over the weekend, Hayley sat down with Roy and Phoebe to talk about South Africa, with Hayley now agreeing that Phoebe can go for a year.

[Hayley, to Vicky] “It was talking to you last me that made me think … I was never going to win. I had to trust Roy and Kate, and Phoebe … now I’ve got to go along with it as best I can, and hope Kate doesn’t wind me up too much in the meantime”

Brenda and her stiff letter

Brenda typed it out, Lynda signed it – but probably unlikely to have an effect on noisy neighbour Jonti Waters at No.3 .

Bit of a bummer, that. Normally villages are so good at self-policing.


The Village Hall isn’t Glastonbury

According to Brian, but the DJ doesn’t seem to realise.



Kate’s being useful … and nice

Which I could suspect is Kate finally becoming a decent person – but is likely more to an afterglow of Kate getting her way to have Phoebe with her in South Africa.

She arrives at the village hall early to help get everything ready for the party, which is a shock.

Then:

[Kate to Hayley] “It’s me who should be saying thank you … for letting her come to South Africa. I know it can’t have been easy for you to get your head around. A holiday is one thing, but a year, that’s a lot to take on board”

Kate goes on to say that she really appreciates how it won’t be easy for Hayley. She knows that herself (though through her own choice).

[Kate] “I’m so grateful to you for giving me this chance. I really am”

[Hayley] “Yeah, well, okay. Thanks for saying so, Kate”

Later on:

[Hayley to Roy] “I even had a nice moment with Kate”

[Roy] “You what?”

Quite.

Not her usual behaviour, at all.



You will always find them in the kitchen at parties

Children’s parties. Adults. Drinking. In the kitchen.

While Hayley and Vicky started drinking before they even got to the hall, Jennifer stayed sensible. Until the party was underway.

Brian, Vicky and Roy also join in – with Brian lubricated enough to be (not totally unwilling to be dragged) up dancing with Vicky, and Jennifer to follow suit with Kate.



Stop them sneaking out?

I thin bouncers stopped people from getting in.

But then again, it is a kid’s party – so every chance they want to get out to have a wee Alcopop.

Josh and his mate Tyler (have we heard about Tyler before) tried, but weren’t crafty enough to circumnavigate Brian.


Jennifer hears the good news about Corinthia Hart

Vicky tells Jennifer that Corinthia Hart is opening the village fete (Vicky hasn’t as yet read Mistress of the Paddocks, so she knows not what she does).

It was seemingly Jim’s idea to get Corinthia – after his coup last year with Colin Dexter.

She’s even going to sit at a table of books and sign them.

All of which Jennifer doesn’t seem too enthusiastic about.

Brian’s also in for a bit of a shock. He hasn’t read it yet, so is none the wiser …


Ah – that’s more like Kate

Knew it could last.

Kate says that the 2:1 Alice got wasn’t good enough for Jennifer.

Which is a wee bit bitchy, especially in front of other folks.

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 28th June 2011: Chris isnae happy with Alice

• The “H Train”?
• Zofia is Harry’s girlfriend
• Boyfriend in a Coma
• Jazzer signs for Team Rhys
• Yes Steve, turn it down!
• Even for emergencies, don’t give your passwords
• Steal batteries with your “homies”, or walk your girlfriend home?

The “H Train”?

Kenton can be a bit bizarre with his lingo.

He’s at The Bull, talking with Fallon about Rhys and Harry canvassing for support for their bike race.

Harry is seemingly gaining ground, getting support from his milk round customers and Zofia is:

[Kenton] “Getting other pickers on board the H Train!”

You what?

If it hadn’t been Kenton that said it (Kenton can be a bit odd when he tries to be ‘modern’), I’d have thought Ambridge Extra had started to also ruin Ambridge’s adults’ ability to speak proper … innit.



Zofia is Harry’s girlfriend

Blimey – that was fast!


Boyfriend in a Coma

Chris has seemingly been ignoring Alice’s calls.

When he does answer, he’s far from receptive to her.

[Chris] “You’ve made your choice. If you want to stay down in Southampton with your boyfriend, that’s your choice”

[Alice] “Chas isn’t my boyfriend, he never has been”

[Chris] “Whatever, looks like he’s more important to you than I am, Alice”

[Alice] “He’s unconscious in a hospital bed!”

[Chris] “Exactly, so why have you got to hang around down there. He doesn’t know any different, does he?”

Alice reckons she’s only still there because she feels guilty (she told Lesley Chas lived there), and, of course, Chas is a friend … but I’m also starting to wonder …

[Chris] “Chas being beaten up has got nothing to do with you. It was because he was ripping people off”

[Alice] “He’s a nice guy .. he got out of his depth … he meant well, he just misjudged the situation”

[Chris] “I can’t believe you’re trying to defend him!”

Quite right, Chris. Chas shouldn’t be defended. But Alice has no common sense when it comes to Chas.


Jazzer signs for Team Rhys

[Kenton] “Jazzer may be a milkman by trade, but at heart he’ll always be a beer man”

Nothing to do with Harry winning the fair Zofia, then, eh?


Yes Steve, turn it down!

(I’m still not coping well with the blasts of popular music in Ambridge Extra. It does so startle one)

Jamie and Natalie are in Steve’s car, with Steve (obviously) and Marty, heading to a gig in Borchester.

Natalie gives Steve a row for having his music up so loud, to which Steve replies:

[Steve] “Better keep your chick in order”

Hmpf. What a prat.

Steve then makes to park in Jaxx’s car park, which Jamie points out is only for staff.

Course, Steve doesn’t care that Jamie would want to avoid Jaxx (or any hassle there) because of Kenton.

Course not. Because he’s a prat.



Even for emergencies, don’t give your passwords

Now this is why Chris and Alice got married too young.

They’re not mature enough to know that you never, ever, give your partner your logins to your emails … mobile phone code (to see texts) … Facebook profile (as they’ll only sign you up for Farmville … very annoying … so my significant other tells me).

Chris is now in Southampton (he either travelled faster than the speed of light, or we’ve jumped another day, time, planet as it’s Ambridge Extra), absolutely fuming about the emails he’s seen between Alice and Chas.

He’s found the itinerary to Paris, for starters.

[Chris] “You lying, cheating … you were running away together, the only thing that stopped you was Chas getting attacked”

Alice tries to explain that all of that wasn’t real- it was Chas’ fantasy.

But, Chris has also found (what looks like) flirty banter between them. If you go looking for it, you will find it.

Right in the middle of the argument – quell surprise – Chas has woken up (his mum calls Alice).

Alice’s next step?

To tell Chris he has to go with her to the hospital so that Chas can tell him what really happened.

Come on, Alice. Are you an Aldridge or not?

Of course Chas is going to say something did happen. Even though it didn’t.

He wants you and Chris spilt up, so that you will realise you love him.

And, because he’s an ar*e.


Steal batteries with your “homies”, or walk your girlfriend home?

Not a difficult choice.

And glad to report that Jamie finally made the right one.

Steve was still behaving like a prat, claiming he wanted to sort out some bloke who wasn’t amused when Natalie spilt his drink:

[Steve] “I was well up for a rut, me and my soldiers .. .you wouldn’t understand, love”

(grrrr)

Then his car won’t start. Marty points out it was because he left his fog light on, but Steve won’t accept that.

He then has a ponder. They’d already spotted Kenton’s car in the car park, so the obvious solution is to steal Kenton’s battery.

Eh?

Luckily, Jamie seems to have finally seen sense, and chooses to walk Natalie home (after she refuses to have anything to do with Steve’s antics):

[Steve] “You wuss … bailing on his homies”

S’aright Jamie. Steve is a prat.

After Jamie has walked Natalie home, he tells her how much he’ll miss her (she’s away for a wee break to a caravan).

In return, Natalie gives him an ultimatum:

[Natalie] “I really like you, but … I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you if you’re hanging out with Marty and Steve … they’re idiots, and they’ll get you into trouble”

[Jamie] “I left them tonight … if it’s a choice between them or you, I choose you”

On the one hand – hurrah!

But on the other – is Natalie a bit of a bunny boiler?

The Archers Monday 27th June 2011: And this year’s Village Fete opening celebrity is …

( … another author)

• Who is going to open the Village Fete?
• Clarrie going to have “a bit of time to myself”?
• Susan is so naughty
• Who is Corinthia Hart?
• Pies or salad?
• Garden Festival
• Usha’s stuck right in it
• “Distinct lack of inspiration on the specials board”
• The Llamas should be on Crimewatch!

Who is going to open the Village Fete?

Cripes – it’s all hotting up in Ambridge!

The Village Fete may be the ‘usual’ affair – but what a line-up!

Beer tent, tea tent, dunk the vicar, Susan’s swap stall, Kathy’s white elephant, Pat’s ice cream, Tom’s burgers … phew!

And there’s more … a Scarecrow competition. To be judged by Lewis (it takes a real arty type, don’t you know). With the theme of nursery rhymes and fairy tales.

While at first a bit disappointed that the Fete was again to be opened by an author (no offense, Mr Colin Dexter. You were marvellous), my interest perked up again when Susan said that the Fete will be opened by … .drum roll please … Corinthia Hart!


Clarrie going to have “a bit of time to myself”?

Not likely. Though I wish her warmly well in her attempt.

She’s already mentioned she’s first “to catch up on a few jobs”, and tidy the garden – what’s the chances of her then having time to have time?


Susan is so naughty

Susan knows all too well about who Mistress of the Paddocks is based on.

Despite her valiant efforts to save Jennifer’s blushes at the Book Club, she's now to be found actively encouraging folks, including Clarrie, to read it!

[Susan] “She’ll have to keep it nice, though … you know what Eddie and Joe are like. I don’t want to get ketchup over it”

And Susan also sounded quite gleeful that Corinthia Hart is opening the Fete,. Despite knowing that Jennifer won’t be feeling too happy about it.

Still she goes on … she’s even told Emma that Byron is Brian:

[Emma] “I saw Brian in the village the other day, and I could hardly look at him. Do you really think he got up to those ‘things’ with Mandy Beesborough?”

Naughty, cheeky and actually quite spiteful. In a way.


Who is Corinthia Hart?

According to Susan (for what it’s worth!), Corinthia Hart is a “really good” friend of Mandy’s.

[Susan] “So it’s from the horse’s mouth, so to speak”

[Emma] “Don’t. It makes me feel sick”

Pies or salad?

Emma and Ed have chosen 17th of July for Keira’s baptism. Which isn’t far away, according to Clarrie and Susan.

So the debate begins.

Having the ‘do’ at Ed and Emma’s is vetoed in favour of Susan’s (more room).

The catering seems slightly contentious – with Emma happy with Clarrie’s famous spread of Scotch eggs and mini pork pies, but Susan wants some salad.

But before Susan and Clarrie could start finding a proper squabble, Emma neatly steps out of the frame. She seemingly wants to “concentrate on something pretty for Keira to wear”.

Lazy madam!

Next on the list is who to invite.

“All” the family, reckons Emma.

Does that include Will and Nic, I wonder …



Garden Festival

A week after the Village Fete, Lower Loxley’s Garden Festival is more of a toffs ideas of a fete.

Bee keeping display, plants and seeds for sale, the allotments will be open to sell their surplus, food hall … not a damp vicar in sight!

As Usha said, at least it’s got Elizabeth a bit more enthused.


Usha’s stuck right in it

Well, right between them. Elizabeth and Ruth, that is.

Usha also tried to persuade Elizabeth that she should go for bereavement counselling.

Although Elizabeth doesn’t shout at her, she does refuse.

Maybe Usha should wheel out her best weapon – the very calm, and nearly always right, Alan Franks.


“Distinct lack of inspiration on the specials board”

According to Jolene, talking about The Bull.

Kenton’s been roped in to try and come up with better ideas.

But the problem isn’t ideas … it’s Freda.

[Kenton] “How to get Freda away from tried and tested … “

(and later on, after Usha confirms that the veggie meals at The Bull all taste the same)

[Kenton] “Freda is somewhat limited in her approach”

The Llamas should be on Crimewatch!

Lynda is putting up posters around the village, appealing for witnesses to the pinkification of the Llamas.

Susan rightly points out that it was probably done in the dead of night – but I suppose it’s worth a go. It might even make Spencer and Pip speak out …

Susan agrees that it’s outrageous. She even didn’t blink when Lynda said she’d already put a note up in the phone box ALREADY, without asking her first.

Wowzer!

[Susan] “Clarrie says they’re going a paler pink everyday now anyway”

[Lynda] “I shan’t rest til I’ve found the culprits!”

Lynda’s even been asking round the chemists, to see if they remember who bought pink hair dye.

But the lads stole them.

(Is Crimewatch still on? With that bloke who told us not to have nightmares, after showing an hour’s worth of crime …?)

The Archers Sunday 26th June 2011: Pip’s plans for Brookfield

• Walking the barley?
• Three Lambs for Borchester show
• No room at Brookfield for Pip?
• “Sometimes I wonder where all the nice times went”
• Harry takes Zofia for a ride
• Zofia, strawberries coming out of her ears, but Adam’s cherry isn’t ready
• Harry’s banter beats Jazzer’s letching
• Pip and Spencer … the new Morse and Lewis

Walking the barley?

[David] “It’s fine, I can walk the barley later”

I assume that would mean checking that the barley is doing well, but one never does know with David being in his current state of mind …


Three Lambs for Borchester show

Pip is entering lambs into the Borchester show. She does seem to know what she’s doing, but she wants David’s help to choose the three that she will take.

They seemingly need to have:

[Pip] “Good topline, decent loin width and muscling … squared hipped, flat wide racks”

[David] “Structural correctness, the judges call it …”

[Pip] “Steady legs and not too deep a chest”

Although Pip and David choose their prospective winners, Pip can’t help but ask Spencer his opinion (even though it’s not his area of expertise):

[Pip] “Which ones have got the X Factor?”

No room at Brookfield for Pip?

As they’re choosing lambs, Pip happens to mention that she would like to take over the marketing of Brookfield’s meat.

David sounds very unsure about that.

Not that Pip isn’t good enough to work with him and Ruth – but he’s worried about whether the farm can actually support another wage.

[Pip] “You don’t have to be gloomy about everything … three years is a long way off, things will get better, you’ll see”

Pip does have to go to Uni first (assuming she gets in), so has hope that the market will improve by the time she’s done.

Especially as she has to watch Spencer already working his parent’s farm.

Even though he reckons he’s just a tractor driver, as least he gets to go round with the agronomist.


“Sometimes I wonder where all the nice times went”

Chatting to Usha about how her ‘chat’ with Elizabeth went on Friday, Ruth seems quite taken aback by how vehement Elizabeth was about David, and about the very idea of her going to counselling.

[Ruth] “I was so stunned, I just sort of slunk away”

But, David did seem to be fine with Ruth telling him that she’d been to see Elizabeth, so it wasn’t a total loss.

Usha’s in reflective mood about what’s happening between her friends:

[Usha] “Especially with Elizabeth and in the frame of mind she’s in, poor thing … if she won’t listen, she won’t listen .. you’ve done everything you can”

So, Ruth’s new resolve is to concentrate on David and the farm.

[Ruth] “Sometimes I wonder where all the nice times went”

Harry takes Zofia for a ride

[Harry] “I want you to enjoy yourself, it’s not meant to be an ordeal”

Harry claims that his bike ride with Zofia is meant to be fun, but also slightly obvious that he’s training (and thinking) about his impeding bike race with Rhys.

Zofia seems fine with the ride, and is also keen to support Harry.

[Zofia] “Should I pledge for you?”

So – Rhys may have The Bull’s regulars supporting him – but Harry now has the Polish vote (as Zofia is also going to get her friends to pledge).




Zofia, strawberries coming out of her ears, but Adam’s cherry isn’t ready

Well … cherries not cherry … but I couldn’t resist that one …



Harry’s banter beats Jazzer’s letching

Zofia is quite surprised to hear Harry even think that Jazzer has a chance with her.

[Zofia] “Really, he has no conversation”

[Harry] “He’s not usually after their minds”

Then it all gets a tad saucy.

Harry did get intimate with Zofia the other night, and it sounded like his manhood was arising today.

Blimey.

Again – no showers, please …


Pip and Spencer … the new Morse and Lewis

Not sure who would be Morse and who would be Lewis, but Pip and Spencer took mere moments to work out who was behind the terrorising of Lynda’s Llamas.

Josh had been in the frame, because of his ‘tagging’ last year. But he was tucked up in his bed.

Pip remembers Jamie had also been tagging.

Spencer knows that this sort of caper is right up his brother Steve’s street.

Et voila!

[Spencer] “Best not to say anything, though. Can’t be sure”

Aw, that’s a shame.

But maybe Spencer is right.

Better to beat it out of them …

The Archers Friday 24th June 2011: Ruth has a chat with Elizabeth

(well, more of a bruising)

• Why so surprised that Harry pulled?
• Pondering when Emma met Ed
• Will and Nic as Keira’s godparents???
• Lynda in party planning mode
• "the Llamas were violated"
• Ruth makes a suggestion to Elizabeth which doesn’t go down at all well

Why so surprised that Harry pulled?

[Ed] “Harry’s only gone and pulled!”

Emma sounded quite shocked.

Why so?

Harry’s too dull for most women? Did they also assume he was gay?

(still not finding that whole farce funny. Like the whole Harold Asquith (real name Wendy Diamond) and Colin Carpenter (Michelle MacLean) elopement, this all feels a tad childish – at worst, a wee bit bigoted)

See my previous posts

Either way, Harry is seeing Zofia again, and Jazzer doesn’t seem too bothered.

He pulled someone else anyway …


Pondering when Emma met Ed

Of more accurately, when Emma left Will for Ed.

They walk by reminders of the night Emma left Will.

[Emma] “We’ve come a long way, haven’t? … have we left all out wild past behind us, do you think?”

So Emma’s now worried about becoming “boring and settled”

[Ed] “It’s not so bad being settled, is it?”

[Emma] “Not with the right person, no”

Will and Nic as Keira’s godparents???

Good lord no! Ed was just joking.

Seemingly Susan and Clarrie are on at Ed and Emma to get Keira’s christening organised.

And looks like the choice for godparents is an easy one – Oliver and Caroline.



Lynda in party planning mode

What’s the problem with the Snells’ finance?

They seem to be very preoccupied by the cost of their forthcoming garden party – to celebrate their 25 years in Ambridge.

[Lynda] “Mid-afternoon, so no obligation to give them a big meal … fete champetre, you might say”

They have at least 150 people to invite, including Robert’s kids, partners and their children.

[Lynda] “25 years of village life Robert, that’s a lot of friendships”

So, to keep costs minimised, they’ll provide the drinks and strawberries & cream, with all guests contributing to the food.

Which I think if fair enough. David Cameron’s ‘Big Society’ and all that … not that I think Cameron knows what it means to properly pitch in, but I do digress …

But, Robert has to tell Lynda to stop. Which takes a bit of effort, but when he does get her to listen, he leads her outside …


"the Llamas were violated"

If you were sensible enough to not listen to Ambridge Extra (actually – that’s not entirely fair – there has been some ‘good’ moments, in-between the youf language and music), you won’t know that Jamie and his moronic mates sprayed the Snells’ Llamas with pink hair dye.

Very droll.

[Lynda] “Oh no. Whatever’s happened to them?”

Wolfgang and little Constanza had pink “wiggles” on them “like some modern art installation”, when Robert found them.

[Lynda] “They must have been terrified. They would have run away”

But Robert reckons they must have backed them into a corner. And that is was “just” kids, “high in something”.

Lynda is quite rightly distraught. Poor Wolfgang and Constanza – must have been frightening, though they do seem fairly relaxed now.

Then again, animals are not very good at showing emotional trauma …

Robert reckons there’s no point in reporting it to the Police. In his shoes – I would have.

Where there’s pink hair die, there’s a guilty teen.

Maybe I should just call in the Police myself. After all, I did hear the dirty deed being done.

And it’s not only the Llamas that are upset. Lynda’s taking it personally:

[Lynda] “When we’ve just been saying how welcome and settled we out in Ambridge … warmth and support … there’s someone out there who hates us …Robert, the Llamas were violated!”

But good old Robert puts a positive spin on it (well, not really – all he can say is that it was likely “bored youngsters with nothing better to do” than anyone with a vendetta). And also refocuses Lynda onto the party.

So Robert hangs the expense! The Snells shall have their fete champetre on the 1st Sunday in August.


Ruth makes a suggestion to Elizabeth which doesn’t go down at all well

Ruth finally tackles Elizabeth. Not literally, but, as the conversation went on, I got the feeling that she would have like to do so …

After Elizabeth tries to avoid talking to her (she’s busy … minding the gallery … the kids etc ec), Elizabeth then tries to steer the conversation onto her not having sent Elizabeth a birthday card. Of course she knows all too well that it’s her letter, removing David and Ruth as Lily and Freddie’s guardians, that Ruth has come to talk about.

[Elizabeth] “It’s my decision, and I don’t want to discuss I … taken it on yourself to fight his battles?”

As Ruth points out, her being removed as guardian does actually affect her – as well as leaving David in tatters.

But Elizabeth doesn’t want to discuss anything rationally.

[Elisabeth] “You don’t see, do you … it’s not about what you and David want …. doing what David wanted cost Nigel his life …

… “I can quite see that he’d want to take care of Freddie and Lily, yes, out of guilt … but after what he did to Nigel, how can he possibly think I’d want the man who took their father away from them looking after them if I wasn’t around, the idea is ludicrous …

“… no, I’m not listening … I can’t see why this has come as such a surprise to you

“… Nigel’s’ not here, and do you know why, because David forced him to do something he didn’t want to do, to save David time”

[Ruth] “Not again …”

[Elizabeth, shouting] “YES again, because you can’t change it!”

Elizabeth talks about how Nigel died because David wanted to save an hour the following day. And that he made it worse by not telling her.

Then Ruth drops her own bombshell.

[Ruth] “He felt terrible, he feels terrible … you’ve had a terrible time, the most awful trauma … but really, what might help might be some sort of counselling …. To help you comes to terms …”

[Elizabeth] “You’ve got a nerve … do you know what would help, out yourself into my position …now tell me how much counselling is ever going to help with that???”

Oops.

Telling Elizabeth she needed counselling was never going to go sown well, no matter who said it to her.

But coming from Ruth? Wife of David?

Not a good idea, at all.

The Archers Thursday 23rd June 2011: Comedy of errors, that really wasn’t that funny

• Usha, why so thick?
• Usha, stuck in the middle?
• Thursday night is party night in Borchester
• Adam looking for young blood …
• Mikhail has insulted Cracovia
• I’m actually quite angry about this
• At least Harry leaves happy

Usha, why so thick?

Usha still doesn’t get the point of the rather odd book club meeting last night.

Which I don’t get. As she’s normally so astute.

[Usha] “ … the Book club was not relaxing … Jim was on good form, but Jennifer seemed a bit on edge”

Usha, stuck in the middle?

Usha’s at Brookfield ahead of the rest of her and Ruth’s clan gathering to celebrate her and Ruth’s birthdays.

Usha didn’t realise it at first, but Ruth is very much on edge – and her being there lets’; Ruth finally let it all out.

I’ll paraphrase (as we have been here many times before) – David’s upset that Elizabeth taking them off the will means that this argument is “for life” – it’s having a huge impact on David – and Ruth wants to go and have it out with Elizabeth.

Usha is in a slightly awkward position. She’s friends with both Elizabeth and Ruth – though I would say slightly more so with Ruth.

Ruth begs Usha’s advice.

Usha thinks Ruth has a right to have her say to Elizabeth, despite what David thinks. As Usha puts it, it’s also Ruth that’s been taken out of the will.

Usha’s only slight amendment is that Ruth should write Elizabeth a letter. Although Ruth baulks at the idea of another letter, Usha has the good point that a letter would allow Ruth time to put her ideas together, and to present them calmly to Elizabeth.

[Usha] “You’re dealing with someone who is pretty unstable now”

How very civilised. Not an email. Not a text. Not even a phone call.

Good to see letters having a use. Albeit in quite a tricky situation.


Thursday night is party night in Borchester

Hurrah!

The Pickers outing is to Jaxx. And Kenton is on sparkling form. In his own way.

Adam’s chaperoning the pickers. He even isn’t drinking.

But that’s more to do with a seemingly heavy night last night, celebrating his birthday.


Adam looking for young blood …

Cripes – amazing that he isn’t actually Brian’s son!

But it’s okay. We don’t have to worry about Ian.

Adam just wants new blood for the cricket team. He made the distinction about ‘young’ when Kenton offered his services.


Mikhail has insulted Cracovia

Which, I’ve learned tonight, is a football team.

(I support Queen of the South, who sit slightly uncomfortably in the Scottish First Division. If the team doesn’t struggle to buy its own oranges, I have no ken).

It’s a bad enough insult for Adam to have to leave Kenton (still at Jaxx) to go and sort it out.

Which is lucky. As Kenton now spouts a load of passive-homophobic rubbish …


I’m actually quite angry about this

Zofia is chatting to Kenton. She mentions how she thinks Adam is really nice, and that it’s also really nice that he lets his friends, Jazzer and Harry, come along on the pickers outings.

[Zofia] “Sure, they are special friends of Adam and Ian, no … I thought .. .they are always together, they live together, they ask Adam and Ian to dinner … they argue like an old married couple”

[Kenton] “No, no. Quite the opposite”

So – we have established that Zofia thinks Jazzer and Harry are a couple. She is therefore quite stupid. How could she have not noticed either of their advances?

Kenton then breaks the news to Jazzer.

[Kenton] “Sorry Jazzer, I know you fancy your chances but you’ve got no hope there … she thinks you’re on the other bus mate … dancing up the wrong end of the ballroom …”

What?

Seriously, what was Kenton saying?

Why on earth did he have to use code for saying that Zofia thought Jazzer and Harry are gay?

Surely there’s no need, now that it’s possible to be gay without having to use stupid phrases to avoid actually using the word gay.

Grrrr.

Bad boy Kenton. I thought you were better than that.



At least Harry leaves happy

Now that (thicko) Zofia knows neither Jazzer nor Harry is gay, she chooses her man.

It’s Harry.

She asks him to leave with her.

So well done Harry.

But I actually have little enthusiasm. All of this farce can felt more like Ambridge Extra that Ambridge real.

Shame.

Ambridge Extra Thursday 23rd June 2011: Pink Llamas

• Chris’ birthday ruined by Chas
• Lynda’s pink Llamas
• Kirsty feels trusted
• Team Milk Vs Team Beer
• Alice could be in China soon
• Now Chris could be in trouble
• By the way, Alice got a 2:1

Chris’ birthday ruined by Chas

Chris is very happy that he has the boxset AND tickets to see someone he likes (Comedian? Group? Theatre?).

But Chas manages to put a downer on Chris’ birthday meal with Alice, even when Chas is still in hospital.

Alice can’t stop thinking/worrying about Chas. She doesn’t even want her chicken …



Lynda’s pink Llamas

I would’ve laughed out loud if it hadn’t been Jamie and his moronic mates playing the jest. They just sounded like a poor man’s version of Beavis and Butt-head (if such a thing exists).

Steve and Marty want to go and steal a car, but Jamie has a better plan. Something he’s wanted to do for a long time.

[Jamie] “I know what we can do after dark … it will crack you up … but first we have to go to the chemist”

They get some red hair dye from the chemists (bought or stolen, not quite sure).

Then, are to be found in the Snells’ paddock, at midnight.

Jamie’s very lucky that Lynda wasn’t having one of her insomniac moments. He called her “just a receptionist” … ouch!

Then they get to the Llamas …

… next morning, the Llamas are pink.

Slightly amusing. The image of Robert and Joe washing them down raised a smirk.

But I do worry that the hair dye might have irritated the Llamas skin (never use human shampoo, and the like, on your dog – surely the same for Llamas?).

And that god awful Steve ruins any enjoyment one could have from their antics.

[Steve] “Nice one, Jamie mate. Good call”

Twat.


Kirsty feels trusted

To manage the Ambridge Organics. Which means she’s trusted by Helen, Pat and Tony. Which is no mean feat at all.


Team Milk Vs Team Beer

Harry was fraternising with the enemy when he was in shopping at Ambridge Organics (Fallon is on his side, Kirsty on Rhys’).

But it’s fine. Kirsty has her ethics:

[Kirsty] “I expect it’s against the organic shopkeepers code to divulge the contents of the shopping basket”

Harry does seem to be taking the mountain bike race with Rhys fairly seriously.

[Harry] “Bit of fun? The honour of England’s at stake!”

But it is hard to tell if the wholemeal pasta and muesli bars are just for his training – he’s just that type of healthy eater all year round.

Rhys? He’s just having an extra sausage in his breakfast …

Harry is a bit disappointed to heard more people are backing Rhys (the losing team and its supporters have to buy the winners a round), but it’s okay – Harry has time to canvas his milk customers.

Don’t fancy his chances, mind. I reckon most folks are happy to say ‘yes’ to nearly everything when asked in a pub … slightly different at 6am in the morning when you just need the milk for that first cup of coffee …


Alice could be in China soon

If she keeps on digging that rather large hole for herself.

The same policewoman who had interviewed her over the nightclub assault (that Chas had been accused of doing) turns up at the flat.

Chris opens the door. He says he’s Alice’s husband. Alice recognises the policewoman, and has to tell Chris why she’d met her before. But not too much explaining – she sends Chris out for milk (before she has to do any more explaining to him).

[Policewoman] “So, before we talk about the assault, maybe we can talk about you and Chas, and your husband …”

[Alice] “We had a fling … Chris doesn’t know about it … I was embarrassed, I just didn’t want to go on record”

Now Chris could be in trouble

After her interview with the Policewoman, Alice tells Chris about the Nightclub.

He’s a tad annoyed that Alice hadn’t told him at the time.

The, the Policeman has a chat with Chris. Well, more interrogates …

The Policewoman asks where Chris was when Chas was assaulted (at The Bull). Can anyone couch for that (yes). When did he leave (11pm). How far away is Ambridge from Alice’s flat (not far enough to rule Chris out from being able to leave the pub, and drive over to beat up Chas).

The Policewoman also asked Chris if he actually knew Alice that well (all her life). But she asked enough questions about Chas and Alice to make Chris a bit suspicious.

So Chris, now in a foul mood, tackles Alice about her relationship with Chas.

[Alice] “What do you mean, relationship?”

[Chris] “That’s what I’m wondering Alice .. I’m starting to think I’ve been really stupid”

So Chris has had enough. He wants Alice to pack up and leave there and then for Ambridge.

But Alice wants to stay.

Because of Chas.

Oh dear.



By the way, Alice got a 2:1

Well done Alice.

The Archers Wednesday 22nd June 2011: Mistress of the Paddocks at Book Club

• Susan’s not as daft as she speaks
• “A select little group”
• Ed calls Oliver
• “covane oeuvre” … maybe not
• “there was far too much riding for my liking”
• Has Usha lost a few IQ points?
• “They were at it all over the place!”
• Brian …ahem … I mean, Brian …no, damn it, I meant Byron!
• No.3 is even nosier
• What was that Jim? You want to be Christine’s garden boy?
• Who is Carinthia Hart?
• All’s well that ends (well), with Susan choosing the book ..

Susan’s not as daft as she speaks

(would normally be ‘as she looks’, but we can’t see her …)

Susan can be quite a canny lady sometimes.

As she and Pat meet at the Book Club:

[Susan] “Pat, it’s not just me is it … this book we’ve had to read … are we really sure it’s made up … it’s all about Brian, isn’t it, you know, that thing he had with …"

[Pat] “… Mandy Beesborough”

Jennifer answers the door to them before they can reveal more.


“A select little group”

No Caroline. No Lynda. Richard Thwaite has a cold. And Joe seems to have disappeared completely.

If word had got round that the book was based on Ambridge folks, I would have thought at least 3 out of those 4 would have been desperate to attend.

And I do hope Joe’s bad cough has returned. Probably best that Richard stayed away, with his “cold”.


Ed calls Oliver

For once it wasn’t Oliver stalking Ed.

Ed’s call even interrupted Oliver watching the tennis (what tennis tournament would that be, then …).

Ed arranges to pop over later on.

At first, Ed is stunned by walking into such a large, tidy house (though I would have thought that would have more to do with seeing it being lived in by the Sterlings rather than the Grundys - flash from the past?).

[Ed] “Somewhere that’s so tidy, and big and quiet …”

Ed reckons he’s absolutely shattered. He somehow didn’t notice this much hassle as when George was born (hmmm … interesting).

So he apologies to Oliver for being short with him, even though Oliver thinks Ed’s doing a “remarkable” job.

And so it came to pass – Ed listened to me (look at my blog from yesterday) and asked Oliver to work with him,

Oliver didn’t miss a beat in saying yes! He’ll be doing one or two afternoon milkings, starting on tomorrow morning (to get his hand back in).

Ed gets an extra hand, Oliver has something to do. So all’s well then?

But, keep an eye on Oliver saying that this would give Caroline “a taste of her own medicine” …


“covane oeuvre” … maybe not

[Jim] “Hadn’t we better make a start on the covane oeuvre you selected for out delectation?”

[Jennifer] “I feel I should be the first to say that … it wasn’t what quite what I expected … and it may not even be a very good example of its kind … so I think it might be best if we don’t actually focus on this book at all, and talk about the genre.”

Pat jumps in to agree. That they should talk about romantic fiction, chicklit … or ‘henlit', as Jim calls Mistress of the Paddocks

[Jim] “I mean, none of them’s in the first flush”

He reckons ‘Byron’ is well into his forties, and ‘Jinny’ has grown up children.

[Jim] “Oh don’t talk to me about her. What a prize pain she was”

[Pat] “Do you think so? I had a lot of sympathy for her.”

As did Susan.

[Jim] “You must have been reading a different book! Whinging on with her airs and graces and her literary pretentions … no wonder poor old Byron feel for the temptations of the comely Miranda”

[Pat] “Oh I don’t like her at all, even though she was meant to be the heroine”

[Susan] “She was obviously out to get her into hooks into … em …Byron from the start”

[Pat] “Talk about Miranda Birdsaw … Miranda Bedsore!”

Phew! Round one to Pat and Susan – Jinny’s honour is protected, while Miranda’s painted as the village bicycle.



“there was far too much riding for my liking”

So said Jim. And I’m not exactly sure whether he did mean “riding” as in horses, or “riding” as in adult liaisons.

Either way, he was very glad to see the words ‘the end’.


Has Usha lost a few IQ points?

I, at first, mistook Usha talking for Shula talking.

They’re not similar, but Usha kept going on about how she’s never read romantic fiction, but she’d now like to. She even said she wanted to borrow Susan’s Jilly Coopers. BUT later then said she wouldn’t like to read anything like this again.

Eh?

And what on earth was Usha doing thinking it was “clever” that Byron and Jinny literary rode off into the sunset?

As for her take on the “rumpy pumpy”


“They were at it all over the place!”

Jennifer tries to again steer to conversation away from the book, onto more generic topics.

She asks whether it was a good evocation of the countryside – whether, as it was written by a local author, Borchester was recognisable.

[Jim] “Only as the setting for a vast amount of rumpy pumpy

[Usha] “It was pretty torrid stuff”

[Jim] “They were at it over all over the place … barns, woods, behind hedges, horse boxes, the back of his 4x4 …”

[Usha] “I thought that was a bit risky”

What?

Out of choice between the back of a 4x4, or a horse box, surely the 4x4 is a tad more commonplace?

But most of all – how could Usha (a) not have noticed any parallels between Byron and Brian – Jinny and Jennifer (b) Susan blurting out Brian (later on)? She’s a solicitor, for goodness sake! Noticing subtle white lies should be Usha’s bread and butter.

Usha. I’m now officially worried about you.



Brian …ahem … I mean, Brian …no, damn it, I meant Byron!

[Jim, on Jilly Cooper – which he claims never to have read) “Her heroes are attractive rogues, unlike Byron here, they’re not actually callous”

[Usha] “Yes, the bit that got me … was when Byron is at the races with Miranda when Jinny is actually giving birth to the baby that’s supposed to be their make-up baby. Why Jinny still wanted him back after that …”

[Susan] “Well, she loves him, doesn’t she?”

(Usha then calls Jinny a doormat)

[Pat] “I think you have to understand that Jill was very vulnerable at that time”

[Susan] “Exactly, I mean she just had a baby, and Brian … I mean …”

(oooooops!)

[Jennifer, quite frantically] “Biscuits! Biscuits!!! … oh, I forgot to bring them through”

And off she goes, also to get Pat another coffee (at her request), while Susan nips to the toilet.

Jim was a tad miffed as he felt they were just getting going.

[Susan] “Oh Pat, do you think anyone noticed when I said Brian?”

[Pat] “This is awful. We’ll have to do something!”

No.3 is even nosier

That Jonti Waters, though he’s yet to speak for himself, is making folks ever increasingly annoyed.

First a constantly barking dog. Then motorbike revving. And now music, loud and late – also loud and early.

Tom has been round to ask it to be turned down. And seemingly Lilian is writing him a letter.

Well, Brenda will technically be writing it ..

[Jim] “Noise pollution, it’s the scourge of modern life”

Did anyone else ever see Pacific Heights?


What was that Jim? You want to be Christine’s garden boy???

How very kinky.


Who is Carinthia Hart?

After having a momentary group gossip, Pat and Susan tag team to close down the discussion about Mistress of the Paddocks.

That it was rubbish, and they shouldn’t waste anymore time on it.

[Pat] “Airport fiction … caricature characters seething with exaggerated emotions, stereotypical responses …”

[Susan] “Unbelievable plots”

[Usha] “I have to say I quite enjoyed, in a sort of gruesomely fascinated way, but I wouldn’t want to read another like it”

[Jim] “And it doesn’t stand up to proper literary scrutiny”

[Pat] “All credit (to Jennifer) for trying to bring a new author to our attention”

[Usha] “Who is Carinthia Hart anyway?”

[Jim] “It’s obviously a pseudonym”

Bets are on folks!

Who is Carinthia?

I’ll have £10 on it being Christine.



All’s well that ends with Susan choosing the book ..

So, no more book club until September, and Susan is choosing the next book.

I’d normally think that was a bad idea, but she really could only improve on Jennifer’s choice!

[Susan] “Oh! What an evening. I’m shattered!”

As is Pat, but they think they got away with sparing Jennifer’s blushes. Neither Usha nor Jim noticed

Actually – I also hope that Jennifer didn’t notice their efforts. Is she did notice, she certainly wasn’t very grateful!

The Archers Tuesday 21st June 2011: Vicky talks sense (shocker!)

• The Return of Vicky
• Trust Kate? In what sense?
• “ran away with some crusties”
• Give Oliver a job, Ed
• All part of growing up?
• Leftover food at good parties?
• “I want my tea!”
• Ed isn’t getting any

The Return of Vicky

(there’s a lot of folks returning to the secret microphones these days. Must have been let out for the summer …)

In my mind, Vicky is a bit dense, and certainly loud.

But, she does often come out with quite astute ponderings.


Trust Kate? In what sense?

Is that an oxymoron? Trust Kate???

Hayley is telling Vicky how worried she is about Phoebe going to South Africa for a year. With Kate.

It’s not been completely decided as yet, but Hayley thinks it’s inevitable.

She’s outnumbered.

[Hayley] “I might be able to cope with it, just, if I trusted Kate”

Later on, Phoebe reassures Hayley that she will call and Skype when she’s away.

[Phoebe] “I love you too, mum”

Hmm. That would make it worse, if I was Hayley.

Handing over my beloved daughter to Kate?

I don’t even have a daughter, but would rather read the new Jeffery Archer book than do that …


“ran away with some crusties”

[Hayley, on Kate] “This is someone who, at the age of 16, ran away with some crusties … she thinks that’s normal!”

Ah – it is nice to be back in Ambridge proper after all the youf chat of Ambridge Extra.

Crusties.

A word I haven't heard in years!


Give Oliver a job, Ed

Either Oliver is completely oblivious to Ed’s frustration at his frequent visits, or he’s just that bored that he doesn’t care.

Oliver is this time visiting to see how Ed got on with the cow that he was worried about.

The cow is fine. Ed did call the vet as Oliver said), but there wasn’t anything really amiss (As Ed said).

Later on, Emma again tries to tell Ed that Oliver is only hanging around as he’s bored, and he cares (for both Ed and the business).

[Emma] “I’m sure he’s like to help you, if you’d let him”

Not sure what Ed actually expected of being self-employed (late nights and paperwork as fairly par for the course), but he is letting his pride getting in the way of a situation that would help him, and Oliver.

Give Oliver a nominal type job. Then everyone’s happy.


All part of growing up?

Vicky thinks Kate actually feels at a disadvantage, as Hayley gets more time with, and knows Phoebe, far better than she does.

[Vicky] “Kate really does love her, you know.”

Vicky also reckons that Lucas must be a good influence on Kate, as he’s quite sensible.

(hmmm. Not so sure about that one. Lucas did marry Kate … how sensible was that?)

[Vicky] “I think what you’re feeling, love, is part of Phoebe growing up anyway”

So – Vicky reckons Phoebe would be, in one way or another, trying to assert her independence. And that Kate doesn’t have any bad intentions.

All probably true.

BUT. This is Kate we’re talking about.

One can only ever expect the worst.


Leftover food at good parties?

[Phoebe] “It’s only the bad parties where the food gets eaten”

Oh.

Really?

I wish someone had told me that.

I must have been throwing bad parties for year.

But not to worry. It would seem party bags are still okay.

And still the case that boys stand round the edge of the dance floor watching, while girls get in the middle and do a dance routine.

Phew!




“I want my tea!”

So says George.

He best get canny to his mum’s moods, and soon.

He’s likely to be wearing his tea if he keeps nipping the rather stressed and tired Emma.


Ed isn’t getting any

Neither is Emma, come to that.

[Emma] “I’m sorry we don’t get time to talk, or anything else these days …”

But it’s not just Emma’s fault. Ed’s knackered as well.

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 21st June 2011: Chas in hospital

• Chas got what was coming?
• Chas, good looking?
• If you missed every episode of Ambridge Extra up to today …
• Team Rhys Vs Team Harry
• Inside of Jamie is a nice boy trying to get out
• Chris to the rescue!
• Marty fancies Fallon

Chas got what was coming?

I’m no advocate of violence.

There are far more brutal ways of exacting revenge on a foe …

But I also can’t say that I’ll lose any sleep over Chas being beaten up to the point that he’s unconscious, on a ventilator.

It would seem that, unlike Chas, Lesley isn’t just all talk.

Alice is blaming herself. She reckons that if she had gone away with Chas, none of this would have happened.

Eh?

Surely it’s Chas’ actions that brought this on.


Chas, good looking?

Paulie reckons Chas’ mum is a real looker. And said that was where Chas must get it from.

That’s funny.

I’ve always thought of Chas as a bit of a weedy, but tall, chap. And bit of a chinless wonder without much sparkle to attract the ladies (or any friends).

But seems not so.


If you missed every episode of Ambridge Extra up to today …

… it’s okay, as Alice spent at least 5 minutes telling us (well, Paulie) about Chas. From the very beginning.


Team Rhys Vs Team Harry

After Rhys at first sounding a bit reticent about going ahead with his mountain bike, he mans up and properly challenges Harry.

[Rhys] “The Anglo-Welsh challenge race is on”

With Kirsty on Team Rhys, and Fallon on Team Harry.

Folks can also back a team by pledging beer money, with the loosing team buying the drinks.



Inside of Jamie is a nice boy trying to get out

Jamie seems to be spending most of his wages on getting taxis over to Natalie’s house.

[Jamie] “I don’t wanna buy things with it … I’d rather see you”

Aw. What a wee sweetie.

Jamie is even showing signs that he’s starting to use his brain, and is beginning to understand Kathy.

[Jamie] “As long as I eat with her now and then, and don’t throw toys out of my pram … you know, just try to get on, it’s less hassle that way … and if I wash up and then or watch something on telly with her, she’s that grateful that she isn’t bothered what I do the rest of the time.”

(well, still a wee bit calculating, but he is a teenage lad)

BUT – that’s all until Steve and Marty are back in the picture.

Jamie is later (or the next day – hard to tell with Ambridge Extra) is hanging out with Steve and Marty. They start of civilised – having a coffee in Jaxx at Jamie’s insistence. But soon move onto mischief.

This time, it’s trying to steal a car.

Steve manages to get in (using a Slim Jim nicked from Spud’s dad), but manages to pick the one “old banger” that has an alarm.

Thick boys.

They run away, and seem to have a wonderful time doing so.

Or, at least Marty and Steve had a real buzz nearly stealing a car.

Jamie didn't sound so keen.


Chris to the rescue!

Alice calls Chris to tell him about Chas. Worried that Alice had met Lesley (the bloke who beat Chas up), and also worried that the folk after Chas won’t know Alice isn’t involved – Chris arrives to make sure his lady wife is safe.

Alice tells him about Chas’ ‘shark’ activities. But Chris doesn’t seem too worried about the money Chas has lent him.

Might still come back to bite Chris on the bum, though.


Marty fancies Fallon

And Steve is just gross.

Marty can barely grunt at Fallon when she says hello to him (struck dumb by her sheer beauty, so he was).

But Steve …

[Steve] “And I’m Steve. How you doing, sweetheart … care to join us for a little something … or a not so little something …”

What a mucky pup.

The Archers Monday 20th June 2011: Elizabeth asks Shula to take David’s place

• Brian likes the odour of school
• Elizabeth really meant it
• Jennifer worried about being left alone with Brian?
• The cows weaken a post by scratching
• It gets worse for David
• The plot of Mistress of the Paddocks
• Is Byron based on Brian?

Brian likes the odour of school

[Brian] “That smell, the smell of school …”

Brian, Jennifer and Ruairi are in seeing a potential boarding school – which is bringing back very happy memories indeed for Brian. He reckons his time at boarding school were the best days of his life …

[Jennifer] “thanks very much!”

It would seem Ruairi is delighted with the school, but Jennifer is actually now not sounding so sure.

The only enthusiasm Jennifer can muster up is

[Jennifer] “they seem to know how to feed them there”

Elizabeth really meant it

Elizabeth didn’t write that letter to David and Ruth without first being utterly resolved to removing them as named guardian for Lily and Freddie in her will.

Elizabeth is asking Shula for her and Alistair to be their guardians, if something happens.

Shula is aghast.

[Shula] “Do you have to? I know how you fell about him at the moment …but surely … is this really necessary? Hasn’t he suffered enough?”

[Elizabeth] “I’m suffering too. Do you think this what I want? How can I have the person who took Freddie and Lily’s father away caring for them if anything happened to me?”

Shula tries to tell Elizabeth to wait, to think about it over time. But Elizabeth has made up her mind.

Elizabeth also forces Shula to make a decision – saying she’ll have to look elsewhere (even outside of the family … yikes!) if Shula doesn’t say yes.

[Shula, very reluctantly] “Of course we would do it. I just hate feeling like I have to take sides”

Elizabeth reckons this is all for Freddie and Lily’s sake, and that she also has to feel comfortable with arrangements, in case anything doesn’t happen to her.

I can see Elizabeth’s point. Of course no parent would want something they don’t trust as their child’s guardian.

But, as we all know, Elizabeth is overreacting.

Completely.



Jennifer worried about being left alone with Brian?

Or, to be more exact, being left alone without Ruairi and Phoebe – with Brian busy elsewhere.

[Brian] “And just think about it darling. In-between times, there will be more time for us …I admit I haven’t always been as good as my word in the past … but I really think Jenny this is our time”

Jennifer isn’t convinced. Brian will be busy with The Mart. Then they’ll always be something else.



The cows weaken a post by scratching

Using the post to scratch again, rather than somehow clawing it (cause that would be odd for a cow to do).



It gets worse for David

[David] “How could she think it Ruth … whatever she thinks of me, how could she possibly think i would do my upmost for Freddie and Ru8th if anything happened to her … that we would?”

Obviously (and rightly) still upset after receiving Elizabeth’s letter, David’s hit a new all-time low.

But … it gets even lower.

Shula turns up, to tell David and Ruth that she’s so sorry. Sorry that Elizabeth has removed them from being Freddie and Lily’s guardians – and sorry that she and Alistair have had to take their place.

[Shula] “She practically blackmailed me … I’m so sorry”

David and Ruth didn’t know that Elizabeth was going to ask Shula, so it comes as yet another blow. It makes it all absolute and final.

It also makes David feel that there’s no point in anything, especially his work at Brookfield.

[David] “I promised dad I’d run it for the good of the family … and look at what I’ve done to the family”

Ruth is absolutely furious.

While Ruth can see that Shula had no choice, she also thinks Elizabeth is not behaving rationally

[Ruth] “It’s like an obsession with her”

Ruth wants to go and see Elizabeth (probably to have a hair pulling match), but David reckons there’s nothing anyone can do.

*sigh*

Just when David was being a bit more upbeat.

Better keep a close eye on sharp implements, long lengths or rope and all pills.

Think we’re back to David suicide watch.


The plot of Mistress of the Paddocks

As read by Mr Brian Aldridge.

[Brian] “Avid horsewoman Miranda Birdsaw is used to taming stallions. But When she falls for married local landowner Byron Ridgeway has she met her match”

He also reads a passage out from the book – something about a combine, and “ears of barley whispering against his thighs”

Does sound rather awful.


Is Byron based on Brian?

Jennifer sounded rather furious after she’d (finally) finished Mistress of the Paddocks.

Could just be because she was still upset about Ruairi and Phoebe, but …

… we know that the author is local – and that she (or he) has based some of the characters on locals (according to Pat).

Married local landowner, having an affair … who else could it be?

Jennifer seems to think it’s Brian. She tries to give him a heart attack with too much cream.

(to be fair, Brian might need to learn that you don’t have to eat something just because someone has put it on your plate).

The Archers Sunday 19th June 2011: Not a happy Father’s Day for David

• Washing, walking cows and warble fly
• 25 years of The Snells
• Joe likes Llamas?
• Jill sounds more annoyed than worried
• Will Ambridge beat Darrington?
• Sensual oils for Robert
• James and Leonie are still an item
• “A lovely villagey event”
• Elizabeth takes being unreasonable to a whole new level

Washing, walking cows and warble fly

David’s still at the Three Counties show – and is delighted when Josh. Ben (and Ruth) turn up with a card for him (pip is still studying).

[Josh, eloquent as ever] “Yeah, happy dad’s day and all that”

Seemingly Josh hosed down, while Ben and Ruth walked the cows, to be able to get to see David early.

And David was in splendid mood.

He’d stayed up later having a yarn with other farmers – with some bloke called Len (who was showing a Welsh Black) telling a very funny story about warble fly.

[Ruth] “Sounds hilarious”

Guess you just had to be there.

Later on, David and Ruth hit the ice cream.

Steady on!


25 years of The Snells

Blimey!

[Lynda] “Then we drove into Ambridge, and our fate was sealed”

(could say the same for all of us eavesdroppers as well!).

Enjoying a day gardening, Robert and Lynda are reflecting how they came to live in Ambridge (they drove around, and found it).

Robert had been worried at first about the move – whether they’d fit in – but Lynda reckons they’re now a fair few steps assimilated than folks like the Noakes and the Thwaites.

Hmmm.


Joe likes Llamas?

[Lynda] “Joe’s an old friend now, he often drops by to say hello to the Llamas”

Really?


Jill sounds more annoyed than worried

Chatting to Shula about Elizabeth, Jill’s starting to seem more frustrated and angry than concerned:

[Jill] “Only because she needs me for the children”

But Jill is delighted that Elizabeth has asked Shula to go and see her tomorrow. Jill reckons it might be Elizabeth asking Shula for advice on how she can make things up with David.

Even if I didn’t know what happened later on today, I wouldn’t have put money on it.


Will Ambridge beat Darrington?

(at cricket, this afternoon)

No-one’s sure.

It’s a worry.



Sensual oils for Robert

Ah – see, Lynda does care.

Robert’s a bit stiff after gardening, so Lynda offers to run him a nice hot bath, with some of her sensual oils, to sooth his pain and as a treat for father’s day.

Lucky boy.


James and Leonie are still an item

[Robert] “James still seems to be working his magic on Leonie”

I would quite like more of Lilian, Matt, Lynda and Snell having to hob-nob as in laws.

You just know they won’t agree on whether to have plain or chocolate …


“A lovely villagey event”

Is what Robert came up with, in answer to Lynda’s concerns about what the Britain in Bloom committee could do to raise funds.

[Robert] “Open gardens, in the village”

[Lynda] “A lovely villagey event, oh you are clever Robert!”

And what’s more, Lynda can also have their 25th Ambridge anniversary as a garden party.

Simply superb.


Elizabeth takes being unreasonable to a whole new level

(I would have said ‘to a whole new height’, but that would have been crass …)

When Ruth and David get home, David finds a letter from Elizabeth in their post.

[David] “Oh my god … oh no …”

[Ruth, reading the letter] “ …’changing my will’ … ‘remove you and Ruth as Freddie’s and Lily’s guardians’ …”

My word.

Elizabeth is now verging on hysterically evil.

The Archers Friday 17th June 2011: The Three Counties

• Jem and Bella are off to the Three Counties
• Pip tackles Elizabeth
• A watched inbox never receives email
• Jennifer still can’t read
• Brian’s lost his appetite?
• Sex and the Strawberries
• Regional forums and zero grazing
• Aw, that’s a shame

Jem and Bella are off to the Three Counties

Josh may not have been allowed to take the day off school to go to the Three Counties, but Jem and Bella certainly are. They even had a final brush up.


Pip tackles Elizabeth

Not literally, but fair to her for having the nerve to call and then go and see Elizabeth.

Pip wanted to see if Elizabeth would still give her a job (as she promised to), and Pip was quite annoyed by Elizabeth for not sending Ruth a birthday card.

Elizabeth was really happy to hear from and see Pip. She claimed she’s forgotten all about arranging a job for Pip – Elizabeth reckoned, in her head, it was already arranged.

So no problem there. Pip headed off to speak with Lorna, and the job is arranged.

Pip gets a text from her folks about the Three Counties, so then uses it as an in to mention that it was Ruth’s birthday yesterday. Elizabeth responds that she hopes Ruth had a nice day:

[Ruth] “She did, except, well, she didn’t get a card from you”

Elizabeth at first tries to claim bad memory again, but soon admits that she hadn’t just forgot.

[Pip] “You really did it on purpose!”

[Elizabeth] “Not exactly Pip. I just couldn’t send her one … this thing with your father. It goes deep. Very deep. I’m sorry”

[Pip] “Well, mum was sorry too. I just though you should know”

Good on you Pip for standing up to Elizabeth.

Maybe if more folks did, Elizabeth wouldn’t be getting away which such senseless and hurtful behaviour.



A watched inbox never receives email

Brian’s up early, anxiously waiting for email from council about whether the supermarket wants to go ahead with the old Mart site.

Not sure why Brian thinks that any council worker is working before 10am (flexi time means they sometimes stay late, but never early).

He’s hoping beyond hope that the supermarket has found a better place to build – he’s still not convinced that this plan is a good one.

But alas.

For once – it’s actually a “all systems go” from the Council


Jennifer still can’t read

Despite staying up all night, Jennifer is still no further on with Mistress of the Paddocks.

This is all very odd.

I’m back to thinking it is one of hers.


Brian’s lost his appetite?

Brian reckons that Zofia has got “mesmerising blue eyes”.

Just the eyes?

Brian must be slowly up if he judges a woman by her eyes …

He isn’t too impressed by Jazzer and Harry’s desperate plans to try and get her attention.

[Brian] “I’m sure she can do better ...”

And for once, he didn’t mean that he would be “better”.


Sex and the Strawberries

[Brian] “How are things up at Sex and the Strawberries … no pistols at dawn in the poly tunnels?”

Adam was worried that Jazzer and Harry’s jostling for Zofia would result in a bill for damages from the Pottery.

But it would seem that all was very sedate, as Zofia spent most of the time looking after her sick mate.


Regional forums and zero grazing

David’s having a grand old time at the Three Counties.

Lots of food for thought (well, cattle becoming food for thought), and he’s feeling refreshed for getting away from home.

[David] “It’s good to get away, it gets you a different perspective on things”

And not just the farm.

He apologises to Ruth for Elizabeth for not sending her a birthday card. Not that it’s his fault – but he’s sorry for the situation which has meant Elizabeth is being so obstinate.

[Ruth] “Elizabeth has this completely out of proportion”

Well, not exactly, Ruth.

In Elizabeth’s mind, David killed Nigel.

So not sending his wife a birthday card would be well within proportion, I would say.


Aw, that’s a shame

Despite Jem and Bella looking “beautiful”, they didn’t win anything.

Seemingly the competition was too strong.

Josh will be upset, but I doubt Jem and Bella will be bothered.

After all, a day out from the field is a day out from the field.

The Archers Thursday 16th June 2011: The Trip to the Potters

• Ruth’s birthday
• Pickers and Pottery
• The cows are drying off?
• Zofia likes Robbie Williams
• Spencer is already fetching cake
• Jazzer can be quite crass indeed

Ruth’s birthday

And she’s having a lovely time.

She’s had a lie-in. A “fantastic” breakfast. Presents (sounded like a DVD, dressing gown and tickets to a concert – wonder who the gig is? Seems to be an old favourite who are quite loud … hmmmm).

She even got a card from Kenton AND Jolene. Blimey.

With Jill, Kenton, Shula, Daniel (and possibly Alistair) on their way, Ruth’s well chuffed.

She was a bit affronted when Pip suggested she sit on her bum and watch her new DVD.

[Ruth] “Watch television in daylight?”

And worse still – no card from Elizabeth.

As Pip said – how petty can Elizabeth get?

Pretty petty, it would seem.


Pickers and Pottery

[Harry] “You’re not interested in pottery!”

[Jazzer] “What makes you say that?”

[Harry] “You don’t even use plates, half the time …”

Harry is a tad perturbed that Jazzer is also on the Pickers’ Pottery Trip. Especially as he still seems to think that Macbeth was rubbish as a murder mystery as they knew who did it …

Harry does get his prized seat, right next to Zofia. But Jazzer managed to get a seat nearby.

The two of them then spend the rest of the journey trying to outdo each other in trying to prove who knows more about pottery. Jazzer’s printed information off from the internet – Harry knows deeper detail, but less of it.

But the real kicker?

Zofia isn’t interested in pottery.


The cows are drying off?

Anyone like to enlighten me what the process looks like?


Zofia likes Robbie Williams

[Jazzer] “ …it’s no as old as Stoke on Trent …”

[Zofia] “I wish we were (going there) … this is where Robbie Williams is coming from”

Just how old is Zofia, by the way?


Spencer is already fetching cake

From Jill’s, no less.

I feel a wedding ahoy …



Jazzer can be quite crass indeed

[Jazzer] “I might not no much about this art farty stuff …”

[Harry] “But you know what you like?”

[Jazzer] “Aye ah dae… and that’s women. Let the better player take a crack at goal …”

[Harry] “This isn’t a real football match, I have real feelings for this girl”

[Jazzer, audibly leering] “So have I mate, so have I”

Ambridge Extra Thursday 16th June 2011: Chas gets a right kicking*

(*metaphorically)

• Do young people get hangovers that bad?
• Natalie gives Jamie a second chance
• Lesley knows where Chas lives
• Mia's shoes fall apart … what?
• Chas really is a looper
• Fallon’s fandango
• Wales Vs England
• ’ello Chas

Do young people get hangovers that bad?

Jamie’s seems to have lasted two days.

When I was a younger ‘un I could drink myself stupid and still function the morning after. Not the case now, I’m afraid.


Natalie gives Jamie a second chance

Lucky boy.

He doesn’t seem to remember much about what he’d done at Spud’s party. He calls Natalie after she doesn’t answer his text.

She’s annoyed. He begs. And she agrees to meet with him.

[Jamie] “Oh, I was being a prat again., wasn’t I?”

Natalie concurs, but reckons it was more Steve’s fault for getting Jamie so drunk.

[Natalie] “If it was a mission to put me off you, they succeeded”

But – it’s not a permanent state of mind, and she forgives.


Lesley knows where Chas lives

Alice answers the door to Lesley. He’s looking to speak to Chas but he isn’t in. Lucky for Chas.

[Alice] “He didn’t look like a Lesley, but he was very polite”

(eh? Are blokes called Lesley generally impolite?)

Chas audibly falls apart when he hears that Lesley has been round.

Which made for very pleasant listening, indeed.

I generally see the good in people. But Chas. Definitely, not, Chas.


Mia's shoes fall apart … what?

Rhys and co. are getting everything ready for Fallon’s surprise Glamping party, when Fallon calls Nic.

Fallon’s got two passes to the gym, so suggests she and Nic can train there rather than go for a walk – with the added bonus of a sauna after.

[Nic] “Oh, flip!”

She later calls Fallon back to say that she was out on a walk with Mia and Jake (up Lakey Hill), when Mia’s shoes fell to bits. She can’t manage to get back on her own, so she needs Fallon’s help. It has to be Fallon, not anyone at Brookfield with a 4x4 (as Fallon pointed out – it’s Brookfield’s land).

Sorry – but did Nic say that Mia’s shoes had fallen apart?

Her shoes?

What?

How does that ever happen?

Either I have lived a life far less, or Fallon will believe absolutely anything!


Chas really is a looper

[Chas] “We have to get away”

Chas has lost the plot, and is trying to drag Alice down with him.

He explains what the problem is. That he lends money, and it’s blown up in his face.

[Alice] “Chas, you’re a loan Shark?!?”

[Chas] “But these people, they’re that rubbish … what do you expect with that sort of trash?”

He mentions that he’d lent money to Jackie (which then led to her running away), and that he charges high interest because these people are indeed just that rubbish.

Alice asks if has ever hurt anyone, he claims he’s just broken a few things.

[Chas] “I’m not safe here anymore. He’ll kill me, Alice”

[Alice] “Oh my god, Chas, you poor thing!”

(what’s that Alice? You are you, these days??? He’s just told you he has made money off of desperate people – he’s surely brought this on himself?)

So, Chas has decided that he and Alice will run away together. He’s already bought the Eurostar tickets to Paris.

[Chas] “Then we can be together, anywhere in Europe”

[Alice] “What do you mean we? Be together? Us?”

[Chas] “You must know I love you. And I know you feel the same. You love me, don’t you?”

[Alice] “ …as a friend”

[Chas] “No, that’s because you haven’t allowed yourself to see it for what it is. You’re trying to be loyal to Chris … but deep down inside, you know we’re made for each other, we’re soul mates Alice, just be honest with yourself. You can’t tell me you never dreamed about it”

[Alice] “No … of course I’ve thought , if things were different …”

So that’s that. Chas has heard that Alice wants to be with him, and will run away with him.

If Chas wasn’t such a looper, he’d have heard Alice being honest, but not that enthusiastic about him, or running away.

Later on, he’s at Eurostar waiting for Alice. But her phone is turned off.

He waits. And waits.

He even tries to stop the last train leaving for “his girlfriend”. When it leaves, he cries out a very loud (and embarrassing) “Noooooooooooooooooooo!”

Hah! Couldn’t have happened to a nicer chap.


Fallon’s fandango

Fallon does fall for Nic’s rather rubbish white lie, and goes up Lakey Hill.

And … SURPRISE!

All the grand are there in their finery – they even took a choice of finery for Fallon to choose from – and Rhys even has made Fallon her own ‘Fallon Fandango’ cocktail.

[Fallon] “Oh, you, lovely people”

Wales Vs England

[Rhys] “In Wales, we don’t let a little mountain get in our way … further proof of the inferiority of the English race”

Rhys was taking Harry to task for saying that it would have been near impossible for anyone to have cycled (with a trailer) all the gear up for the glamping party.

So looks like Harry and Rhys are going to have a race.


’ello Chas

After failing to reach Alice, after failing to catch his train to Paris, Chas returns home to his flat.

To find Lesley standing outside.

“ …‘ello Chas. I’ve been waiting for you …”

Oh-ho!

Now, I don’t want Chas badly hurt, but maybe just a bit of sense knocked into him wouldn’t go amiss.

The Archers Wednesday 15th June 2011: Adam – an unlikely cupid

• Brian doesn’t get his way
• Can I go to Ruairi’s school?
• Does one generally “get used” to a noisy neighbour?
• “nice English boyfriends”
• Harry’s ready to move to Poland
• Jennifer isn’t the author of Mistress of the Paddocks?
• Lilian Vs Annabelle
• Enjoying Adam and Jennifer

Brian doesn’t get his way

Which would be a shocker, if it hadn’t just been over that rather dull Mart …

Brian didn’t want to go for an early completion date, and reckon the bonus payment from the Council wouldn’t be worth the risk.

But Lilian reckons the bonus payment more than covers the risk, and their wonderful project manager means they won’t miss the deadlines anyway. So there is no real risk.

When it went to Board vote, they went with Lilian.

[Lilian] “There are no hard feelings, I hope, the best woman won!”

Ah – a rare moment for Lilian, to be able to gloat over Brian. What bliss!


Can I go to Ruairi’s school?

[Brian] “85 acres of land, woods, little streams, children encouraged to play out there … That’s the kind of childhood we want for Ruairi”

Aye – that’s also the sort of adulthood I’d want for myself!

So looks like they’re found the perfect place for Ruairi. It’s particularly ideal not just because of the of the little streams, but also because it’s a Catholic boarding schools that “takes everyone”.

Marvellous.



Does one generally “get used” to a noisy neighbour?

On Jonti Waters at No.3 The Green

[Brian] “One man noise pollution zone, that’s what I hear”

[Lilian] “Storm in a teacup, darling. They’ll get used to him”

Hmm.

I, for once, disagree with Lilian. And wouldn’t have thought Tom and Brenda are the type to suffer even the most minor of irritations.



Adam hopes the picker “girls found nice English boyfriends”

Adam’s walking the wheat, when Harry finds him to ask if he can go on the pickers trip to Felpersham Pottery.

[Harry] “I’m quite interested in China, my mum collects it, so I can tell her all about it …"

Course, Adam isn’t daft, and knows Harry wants to go on the trip to be with Zofia.

[Harry] “It’s not very cool being so obvious … I wouldn’t like to think I’m being as crassly obvious as Jazzer”

Harry reckons that he and Zofia genuinely have something in common, whereas Jazzer really just wants to get his leg over. At least Harry can:

[Harry] “ …I can raise my gaze above her … chest”

Adam seems to agree that Harry would be a better prospect for Zofia, and is also glad that Jazzer hasn’t signed up for the Pottery outing. He said something about Jazzer being like a Bull being in a China Shop …

[Adam] “I’d rather the girls found nice English boyfriends”

Which isn’t Jazzer, I suppose. As he isn’t necessarily nice. Nor English.

(and why English? Will Welsh, Scottish, Irish, France. American, African, Turkish, Norwegian etc etc etc not do?)


Harry’s ready to move to Poland

Adam pointed out that even though Jazzer’s intentions towards Zofia may not include longevity, it is inevitable that any liaison with Zofia will be short lived. She’ll be going home to Poland after the season.

Harry then started talking about going to Poland with her, getting a job …

… steady on Harry! That sort of talk is bound to scare the lass away good and proper!



Jennifer isn’t the author of Mistress of the Paddocks?

Seemingly Jennifer is still on chapter one of Mistress of the Paddocks.

I thought she wasn’t ready it, as she’d actually written it. Unbeknownst to everyone else.

But:

[Jennifer] “It’s so tedious, full of clichés you wouldn’t believe, one a sentence … I thought rubbish was supposed to be easier to read … I’ve learned my lesson, and next time it’s Middlemarch”

So – if not Jennifer – who is the author?

They’re local, but that’s all we know.

Joe Grundy?



Lilian Vs Annabelle

Surprisingly, Annabelle back Lilian, rather than Brian, at the Board vote.

[Annabelle] “I judge the matter on its merit, you made a better case … you’ve got a good coach, haven’t you … come on Lilian, Matt’s fingerprints are all over this deal!”

[Lilian] “I think people are allowed to talk things over with their partners … oh, sorry, of course, you wouldn’t know …”

(meow!)

Annabelle, while in admiration of Matt’s business prowess, doesn’t agree with his business ethics.

As Lilian obviously still has an issue with Annabelle (Lilian thinks Annabelle may have had intimate adult moments with Matt while he and Lilian were briefly separated a while back), Annabelle has a weak spot to aim for:

[Annabelle] “I have some very fond memories if our time together … a pity it came to such a bad end …”

Didn’t Annabelle refuse Matt?

But, of course, Lilian doesn’t know that.

Meow also to Annabelle!


Enjoying Adam and Jennifer

That I am.

Adam’s on very good form at the moment, as is his mum.

They’re having a natter about Jazzer and Harry chasing after Zofia.

Adam reckoned “the gates of heavens opened” when he told Harry that he would reserve a seat next to Zofia, guaranteeing Harry ‘quality’ time with her. Of course, on their last trip out, Jazzer managed to bag that seat.

[Jennifer] “The contest of romantic archetypes”

[Adam] “Jazzer and Harry? The lout and the lover …”

[Jennifer] “They both have recognisable wooing technique”

[Adam] “ I wouldn’t call what Jazzer does wooing”

[Jennifer] “A little rough and ready maybe, but he’s only trying to sweep Zofia off her feet”

[Adam] “Or onto the nearest available flat surface”

[Jennifer] “He might have a softer side …”

[Adam] “He’s hiding it well”

[Jennifer, now talking about Harry] “Underneath that polite exterior he might be a bubbling cauldron of passion”

At that remark, Adam reckons Mistresses of the Paddocks seems to be rubbing off on Jennifer.

They’re interrupted by Jazzer telephoning to say that he now also wants to go on the Pottery trip. The news of which seems to make Adam really happy.

[Adam] “Who am I to stand in the way of primeval male forces?”

[Jennifer] “Jazzer and Harry squabbling over a strawberry picker, it’s hardly DH Lawrence”

Jennifer thinks Adam’s glee at this situation is just him amusing himself.

[Adam] “Beats looking at old China, doesn’t it?”

Indeed.

But best watch your step. Harry and Jazzer could easily turn nasty. Infact, maybe Zofia will turn nasty ... all this male attention must be quite dull.