Pondering The Archers: alice Aldridge

Just when we though Rhys was a complete amateur with women (who don’t like rugby), he gives Fallon another box. With a smaller box in that. Then an envelope. Which has a photo of Cardiff Bay in it, with an arrow pointing to a hotel.

That’s the hotel they’ll be staying in for the whole weekend – double deluxe room, sauna, spa and hair. Though Fallon does have to suffer the rugby, the hotel is a treat she’ll adore.

[Fallon] “Okay, you win, I love your team!

Good lad, Rhys.

The Archers gather at Home Farm

(the Peggy side of the clan. The Jill side are at Lower Loxley. Who we don’t hear from today)

Matt wakes Lilian up at 10am (that’s very late for Christmas day, though they are jetlagged):

[Matt] “You’ve got nothing to do today but sit at Home Farm and look gorgeous.”

At Home Farm, Alice passes round mini hamburgers, hot dogs and devils on horseback.

[Lilian] “I suppose bacon and prunes would do for breakfast!”

The only other highlights of the day at Home Farm was Sipo in a Christmas costume on Skype, and The Queen.

[Peggy] “I do like to see The Queen”

Marvellous!

Did Jazzer have two Christmas lunches?

Jazzer’s off to his mum’s for Christmas, but first needs to dull his sense with a few pints at The Bull. The first of which he demands is free …

When he gets back to The Bull later on, he’s actually had not too bad a time. Seems his brother Stu brought a new girlfriend, who he couldn’t stop arguing with.

[Jazzer] “It was great. I could just sit back and enjoy the show … Best you can hope for wae a dysfunctional family of mine.”

Jazzer wishes aloud that he could experience a “real Christmas” at least one time …

… which is aimed at Kenton, and Kenton bites. He invites Jazzer to Lower Loxley. Kenton reckons it’ll be fine as Jazzer lives with Jim. I’m not sure Elizabeth would be as reasonable when she finds she as one extra for lunch (though we never got to find out).

[Jazzer] “Kenton, you’re my Christmas angel!”

Wonder if Jazzer will be crawling along the road with a rather full belly, a la Vicar of Dibley.

Lilian needs to learn how to fib

When Matt mentioned to Peggy that Jennifer had been texting constantly while they were in New York, Peggy reckoned not.

Jennifer would have mentioned it.

And when her phone goes again later on the day, she claims it’s James. Who Matt knows has already called.

Lilian better brush up on her lying skills. It’s wee slip ups like that which will catch her out.

Alice says “innit”

Alice reckons Jim should interview Chris next for Borchester Life.

[Alice] “It’s free advertising, innit.”

Alice!

Such vulgarity and faux ‘street’ slang.

Way beneath you.

Peggy wants to go to Whitby

Peggy used to have her and Jack’s anniversary to look forward to just after Christmas.

But with Jack ‘At The Laurels’, she’ll be alone again this year.

Lilian suggests she and Peggy so somewhere nice - St Lucia, as Peggy and Jack did for their honeymoon.

But Peggy has other ideas:

[Peggy] “Whitby … well weather isn’t everything.”

I do adore our Peggy!

Lower Loxley’s Christmas seemed very brief

Kenton and Jazzer were back home in no time.

“Now it’s time for the famous Bull Christmas sing song”

Claimed Kenton, when he got back to The Bull.

(Bull Christmas sing song. Since when?)

The Bull demands Jazzer starts them off.

“Have yourself a merry little Christmas”

Aw.

How lovely.

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Brenda struggles to serve Tom’s Sausages 07.05.12

The Archers Monday 7th May 2012

Adam’s feeble
The cricket team is suffering
Tom’s back to being an a*se
Amy sees Alan
Brenda’s dripping

Adam’s feeble

But at least home.

Though he notices that he’s never noticed before how long he and Ian’s front path is …

Seems Debbie has been and gone. She came and left on Saturday (!).

And though Ian offers to fire up their hot tub (yes please, I’d say!), Adam’s happy to just sit and enjoy the view from home.

Though whether that had something to do with being able to see the Edgley Morris Men waving their handkerchiefs or not, is anyone’s guess.

The cricket team is suffering

Without Adam.

[Ian] “Seriously understrength were Alistair’s words”

Tom’s back to being an a*se

*sigh*

His humanity only lasted one day.

He’s back to normal. Moaning how Tony is annoying him.

[Tom] “I can understand why he can’t get his head round a new system … I just wish he’d hurry up and get better that’s all, he’d be much happier weeding carrots”

He goes on a rather long rant, but Brenda isn’t having it.

[Brenda] “It’s no good complaining about it to me. Will you just shut up about it for 5 minutes?”

She tells Tom to sort it out with Pat and Tony, and to concentrate back on the fact that they’re in the burger van, trying to serve a hungry queue of punters.

Amy sees Alan

Though Alice did have to persuade May not to tell him to go away.

They hug, and Alan’s asks why Amy felt she couldn’t talk to him.

[Amy] “I couldn’t even bring myself to say his name. I feel such a fool … I should have known. He was too good to be true … why would someone like that even look once at me?”

[Alan] “But you are beautiful. Anyone can see that”

[Amy] “I was so careful dad. I really took my time … and I love him dad. I thought it would be hard to love someone, but it was easy … I thought he loved me too”

[Alan] “We were all taken in by him. I thought he was lovely too”

Alan did well not to react when Amy mentioned that she had slept with Carl (whether she took her time or not).

And both she and Alan were still offended that Usha could think she would, could, have an affair with a married man.

Brenda’s dripping

And rather furious.

Tom keeps answering the phone to Tony when he should be helping her to cook and serve.

[Brenda] “If that phone goes again, do not answer it … change, buns, mustard Tom!””

After charging one customer £14 for something (I hope it was at least 10 sausages!):

[Brenda] “It’s tropical in here. I’m dripping”

Then Tom’s phone goes again. Though he’d promised not to answer it, it’s Pat this time. Which means it must be an emergency.

It wasn’t. They just couldn’t find the key to the feed stock.

Brenda threatens to walk out. Tom hands up.

After their day is done:

[Brenda] “Seven phone calls while the burgers burnt and the queue got mutinous!”

[Tom] “I’m not being big headed Bren, it’s just, well I need to be there. Well, until dad’s back on his feet”

So Bridge Farm now cannot function without Tom. So Tom can’t do his burger van, as it means leaving his folks to cope alone.

But it’s okay.

Tom has someone in mind to take over the vans.

And that was today’s cliff-hanger.

Seriously.

And anyhoo, where’s Helen? Not like her to be away, or quiet, or leave Tom to rule the roost.

Monday, 30 April 2012

Adam still isn’t waking 29.04.12

The Archers Sunday 29th April 2012

No change
The family gather
Alan has announced it is May
Carl pops round
It’s not normal, Adam being still

No change

Adam isn’t any better. He isn’t any worse. And he still hasn’t woken up.

Jennifer’s worried that the pressure in his brain hasn’t lessened:

[Jennifer] “The longer it stays high …”

Oh dear.

The family gather

Alice and Jennifer are at the hospital. Peggy and Lilian are on their way. Though they are a bit worried about how Peggy will cope:

[Alice] “She’s strong, and Aunty Lilian won’t be lost for words”

And what of Debbie and Kate?

[Jennifer] “Kate, bless her, she’d have got on the next plan if I’d let her!”

[Alice] “Well that’s Kate … Debbie likes to do things properly”

Eh? What does that mean? Debbie can only come and see her very seriously hurt brother if she has time to pack. book the right seats on the plane and leave copious notes for the business to carry on without her?

Seriously?

If so, why would Alice defend that?

[Jennifer] “It would be awful if …”

[Ian] “She didn’t get here in time … we just don’t know, do we. That’s the worst thing. We don’t know how he is”

Alan has announced it is May

[Alan] “There it was, Mike struggling to put up the maypole on the green. Proof positive”

We believe you!

Carl pops round

Just as Usha seemed to be about to talk to Alan about Carl (possibly being married), Amy bursts in to say that Carl is going to visit, to take her out. Which is a nice surprise for her as he had been planning to spend the whole weekend with his nan (!).

He’s brought flowers for Usha, and Alan’s favourite wine. Which he’d remembered after Amy had only mentioned it once. Seems he has a great memory.

[Usha] “That must be very useful … in your work”

(ahem!)

She’s on to you, matey.

It’s not normal, Adam being still

Ian’s used to Adam being a bit of a mover in bed … he normally has to keep pulling the duvet back over them during the night.

[Ian] “He seems to put as much energy into sleeping as he does to everything else …”

So, seeing Adam lying so still is worrying. Though Jennifer thinks Adam is working hard as he lies there, fighting.

[Ian] “We need you back”

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Benjamin eats a hat 01.04.12

The Archers Sunday 1st April 2012

Benjamin was well behaved … then not
Why do the arks need moved again?
Jazzer damaged the bull bar
Janine is the new lady in Jazzer’s life
Christening a Forge
The truth about Amy and Carl
Jolene wants everyone in the car park
Harry had to check his cereal
Jennifer is still “popping in”

Benjamin was well behaved … then not

Benjamin and Shula are back at St Stephen’s for Palm Sunday.

(Benjamin is Shula’s donkey, generally only making an appearance in Ambridge at Palm Sunday).

He was very well behaved at first.

But later “went for” Pat Fletcher’s hat.

Seems she goes purple when she’s upset …

Shula later tells Jill that she thinks it was Pat Fletcher’s fault for flapping her hat about in the first place.

(mais non – if Pat Fletcher said no, she said no!)

By the by – we had the first mention of someone acknowledging that Shula has been in Ste Stephens more often than not recently. Jill said it was nice to see her back, though Shula did make mention that she’d be going elsewhere for the Easter walk.

Why do the arks need moved again?

Jazzer’s back (well, back near the secret microphones), and is moaning that the rain means all of the pigs need fresh straw.

AND the arks need moved. Again.

Is that normal pig management behaviour? To keep moving the arks?

Jazzer damaged the bull bar

Of Tom’s quad bike.

[Jazzer] “90% of it was doon to the gatepost, It was in the wrang place!”

[Tom] “Next to the gate!”

But not to worry. Though Tom wants Jazzer to do extra shifts for him, they’re not as punishment – Tom will pay extra. He’s just that busy.

[Jazzer] “Hold on, let me do my concerned face …”

Janine is the new lady in Jazzer’s life

[Jazzer] “I telt Janine, if she serves Tom Archer pork, we’re done before we’re started!”

Ooh.

I know Jazzer is a cheeky monkey, but not a clever thing to say to one’s boss.

Christening a Forge

Are what Chris and Alice intend to do on Thursday – the day that Chris gets ownership of the forge.

He’ll make his first piece of work in his own place, glass of wine, then a meal out.

Alice is keen for Amy to come. With Carl.

The truth about Amy and Carl

Alice is obsessed with wanting to meet Amy’s new love interest, Carl. Alan is also dropping hints.

So to get Alice off of her back, Amy explains all.

It’s quite simple, really. She just wants to take it slow with Carl.

[Amy] “This feels, special. I don’t want to wreck it”

[Alice] “You won’t. Carl is a very lucky guy. Have some faith in yourself”

But that’s exactly what Amy doesn’t have bags and bags of (faith in herself).

Amy tells Alice about her “mood” over Christmas because of what Alan had found out about her mum.

[Amy] “Dad found out that mum had been to prison … a secure children’s home … she stabbed someone when she was a kid … I’d always though mum was like, fantastic, then suddenly she wasn’t like that anymore … the worse thing was, the way I was feeling, it kinda made sense … I couldn’t work out why I do certain things, you know I have a really short temper … what I thought was that if mum could stab someone, maybe here’s some of that in me as well … so disgusted, I really did hate myself …”

Amy explains that her mum’s attack had happened because of constant racist abuse.

[Amy] “Just because I get angry sometimes, doesn’t mean I’m an awful person. Mum was a decent person, I shouldn't have doubted her … if someone like him thinks I’m okay, then I must be … I’m putting all that daft stuff behind me, but only one step at a time”

So – Amy wants to keep Carl away from her nearest and dearest because she’s still slightly worried she’s not a good ‘un?

I don’t see the sense in that.

Surely meeting the lovely Alan and co would only prove that she is?

Or does Amy just really (really) want to keep Carl away from Ambridge?

Jolene wants everyone in the car park

Steady on! I thought she was committed to our Kenton.

I jest.

Jolene wants everyone in The Bull’s car park for the flyover photo session by James and Leonie. Jazzer reckons she even wants them to make a shape like a bull’s horns.

[Jazzer] “that’s if that chinless wonder managed to point the camera the right way”

Though Tom reckons James is not an idiot:

[Jazzer] “Could pass for one in an emergency”

Jolene even wants her regulars to practise, as the photo could go down in history.

Hmmm.

Harry had to check his cereal

For booby traps.

[Jazzer] “Just cause it’s April the first, he assumes I’m gonnae act like some kind of kid!”

[Tom] “What did you actually do?”

[Jazzer] “Itching powder in his cycling shorts”

[Tom] “Excellent”

Jennifer is still “popping in”

To Alice and Chris’.

And it’s still irritating Alice that she does so.

[Amy] “It’s nice that she likes spending time with you”

Alice reckons that it’s more to do with Jennifer wanting to get away from Brian while he’s so stressed and preoccupied with the Super Dairy planning meeting (two weeks away).

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Family secrets no more 28.03.12

The Archers Wednesday 28th March 2012

Caribou Kirsty
Email from Rich
Alice and Amy on Chris
Belly busters need Tom’s bangers
Another pop at Maurice
Ambridge by Air
Alice and Amy on Carl

Caribou Kirsty

Is one of Kenton’s special Easter cocktails.

Though Amy doesn’t want one. She’d prefer a Cranberry spritzer, even though she’s on a night out with Alice. She has work tomorrow.

Delights of Ambridge’s Easter holidays will also include a “Harry and Jazzer Special Quiz” at The Bull, and a retro night at Jaxx.

[Kenton] “You know where the hottest night in town will be!”

Email from Rich

Delights Tony and Pat.

He tells them that he really enjoyed his visit, and would like to come back again. He even mentioned the pigs twice.

(high praise indeed!)

(I was then momentarily taken aback when Pat knew how to download a photo Rich had sent to them onto a memory stick, to then get printed out in town)

[Pat] “He looks so similar yet so different”

Tony and Pat discuss whether it is now time to tell the rest of the family, considering it looks like Rich is about to become part of their life.

[Tony] “Maybe it’s time to end all the secrecy”

[Pat] “It’s been so overwhelming, I never thought of Peggy or your sisters”

But they decide to ask Tom and Helen first, considering the problems they caused last time they weren’t consulted.

When they show Tom the email.

[Tom] “Good attitude to pigs”

When they tell him about them wanting to tell their close family:

[Tom] “Oh. Everybody … That’s fine by me”

So Pat will do a ring round tomorrow to ask everyone over.

After all the surprises Bridge Farm has had over the last year:

[Pat] “I wonder what Peggy, Jennifer and Lilian will make of this one?”

Huh. Haven’t they forgotten to ask Helen, or does Tom speak for both of them now?

Alice and Amy on Chris

[Amy] “Chris is so good to you”

[Alice] “I know. It’s a good job I deserve it!”

Belly busters need Tom’s bangers

So Tom delivered them in the evening to a Tom’s bangers bereft Jaxx.

Another pop at Maurice

What’s he done to deserve that recently?

Seems the sealer at Bridge Farm went, which has created more delays and problems.

[Tom] “You can imagine how Maurice has reacted!”

[Kenton] “With a smile on his lips and a song in his heart”

He’s not mentioned for years, then harassed twice in as many days!

Ambridge by Air

Word is spreading about Leonie and James’ plans to take photographs of Ambridge from the air.

[Kenton] “There was nearly a riot when Derek Fletcher found out … an outrageous invasion of privacy … even now, I suspect he’s arming his garden gnomes with rocket launchers”

And Tom reckons that if it’s a warm day, there may be real invasions of privacy if folks are sunbathing for an all over tan.

Alice and Amy on Carl

[Amy] “He’s nice”

[Alice] “French fries are nice Amy, I want to know how hot and fit!”

Poor Amy. She’s just started seeing this bloke, but Alice wants every detail.

Amy tells her he has great eyes. He’s masculine, but sensitive. Great sense of humour.

And they’ve had breakfast together …

[Alice] “There’s no point denying it. You’re glowing!”

And there’s more.

His family is really important to him (he checks his parents’ house every weekend while they’re over in Spain).

And he visits his gran in her nursing home.

[Amy] “I think he’s great”

Just me, or do we think Carl is far too good to be true?

Him visiting his gran is pushing it …

Friday, 30 September 2011

The Archers Thursday 29th September 2011: More bad news for Bridge Farm

It’s Alice’s birthday
Andrew is still frustrating Nic
Elona says yes
It gets worse for Pat and Tony
Nic isn’t good with eggs

It’s Alice’s birthday

She loves the candles Chris made for her, but isn’t so enamoured of the two cashmere sweaters Jennifer and Brian gave her.

[Alice] “Oh dear … I’m trying to get rid of stuff not getting more”

Selfish wee madam!

[Alice] “She knows we’re saving why couldn't she have just given me a cheque!”

Even worse.

She really doesn’t deserve Chris then taking the afternoon off to go on a picnic.

But anyhoo, he does and they do.

They enjoy the Tofu wraps rejected from Susan’s book club spread

[Alice] “Hey, do think that duck would fancy a bit of tofu?”

(it did eat it)

They chat about Kirsty’s ideas for how to eat cheap and healthy through experimenting with lentils.

But it then starts chucking it down:

[Alice] “You must have ordered weather for the ducks by mistake”

(great days for ducks then – rain and tofu!)

Later on, in front of their crackling fire, they decide to have an early night.

So all-in-all quite a sedate, but nice, birthday.

Shame the cashmeres spoiling the start (!)

Andrew is still frustrating Nic

And she isn’t even going out with him anymore.

He’s meant to be having the kids later on, but after he let them down the other day, Nic’s worried he’ll do the same again.

So she texts – he texts back to say yes. And he does take the kids.

But it’s not all plain sailing.

When Nic later collected the kids from him, it seems he was “a bit off” with her.

[Nic] “It was my fault really … I just asked him if there was anything going on I need to know about … he seemed to resent me asking … said it was none of my business … I wouldn’t care but I need to know for Mia and Jake’s sake”

Will’s not happy to hear how Andrew’s treated Nic. Not happy at all.

Here we go again.

Will on a mission to teach another bloke what’s what.

Elona says yes

Peggy’s telling Elona about being worried she is so dependent on her family.

Which is the perfect moment to again tell Elona that the offer of No.3, and work at her house, is still open.

But Peggy is also now offering Darrell work. Doing odd jobs around the house.

*sigh*

[Elona] “We’d ;like to take up your kind offer Peggy”

[Peggy] “That’s wonderful Elona!”

So the die is cast …

It gets worse for Pat and Tony

They’ve received their fuel bill.

[Pat] “We’re really between a rock and a hard place … I can’t believe it's gone up so much … do we pay that or cover our mortgage payments …”

And they haven’t worked out how they’re also going to manage to pay the Underwoods fine.

Pat’s still as negative earlier on.

[Tony] “This time of night everything looks worse”

But Pat’s adamant that it looks bad no matter what time of day. And they’re out of options.

Nic isn’t good with eggs

[Nic] “Can you break the eggs for me. I always get so much shell in”

Monday, 29 August 2011

The Archers Monday 22nd August 2011: Pat shouts at Brenda

Susan’s not amused at Brian
Brenda is back
Still nothing happening at the Mart site
Why Pip’s ideas are flawed
Alice is also at it
Environmental Health keep visiting
So what’s Brenda’s fantastic new idea?
… Pat is livid!

Susan’s not amused at Brian

[Susan] “He could have out his money where his mouth is … him and Alice are far too proud … you’d have thought Brian would have offered … people with money always … always, maybe, forget what a struggle it is …”

Susan was saying all of this to Pat, so had to try and backtrack towards the end as she realised that she was being slightly negative about folks with money …i.e. lots of the Archer clan … and possibly also because Pat is married to Tony, who is brother to Jennifer, who is married to Brian …

Whoops.

I reckon Susan should shush. She should be proud that Chris and Alice are managing this on their tod.

Still nothing happening at the Mart site

Brian is not best pleased.

Brenda is back

She hasn’t really been anywhere – just away from the hidden microphones – but she is already talking nonsense.

She’s annoyed that she spends time at work: “dealing with time wasters” who just want a nosy at Amside’s properties rather than to buy them.

She’s annoyed that Pip “bombarded” Helen with ideas for the Bridge Farm website. Even though the website does now look better.

Her pride is ever so slightly damaged. A job not related to her degree, and now a farm lass talking her language.

[Brenda] “But really, I’m the one with the marketing degree!”

And with perfect timing – Pip calls round to Tom and Brenda’s to talk more marketing.

Perfect (comedy value).

Why Pip’s ideas are flawed

She wants Bridge Farm to use Twitter to create a ‘club’.

But, as Tom pointed out, they don’t have the capacity to manage a full-on Twitter account.

And Pip is simply oblivious.

To Brenda’s:

[Brenda] “I don’t want to take up more of your time … I do know most of this stuff”

Pip didn’t twig that Brenda wanted her to F off.

Client relations – that’s half the battle if you want to get them to take your ideas seriously, Pip.

Alice is also at it

She’s also trying to maximise sales.

She wants to also sell scones, and chocolate dipped strawberries.

Well, at least it’s a real idea/product – unlike Pip’s idea of making the E. coli negativity go away just by using Twitter …

Environmental Health keep visiting

Which is really annoying Pat.

They turn up at least once a week, whenever they want to, without warning.

So, when Susan drops some yoghurt just as they are visiting, Pat is not as rational as one would normally expect of her.

So what’s Brenda’s fantastic new idea?

After all the fuss about Pip stepping into her area of expertise, Brenda sucks it up and reveals her wonderful idea to help solve Bridge Farm’s problems.

Customer testimonials.

On their website.

Which, Brenda acknowledges, was actually Pip’s idea …

Pat is not amused, infact …

… Pat is livid!

[Pat] “Oh for goodness sake Brenda! Wake up .. .what’s the point! This business is losing money hand over fist and all you and Tom can do is mess about on the website. All you’re doing is just tinkering on the edges, a complete waste of time”

So Brenda has a weep – Tom comforts her – and blames Pat’s outburst as Pat being on a knife edge, possibly prosecuted, might not be able to pay the mortgage, being stressed and so on.

All of which is true.

But could it just be that Brenda really should just stick to making flyers?

The Archers Sunday 21st August 2011: Jennifer is not impressed by value brands

The lady didn’t love milk tray …
Jazzer doesn’t want to cook
An anchovy, is an anchovy, is an anchovy
Harry’s standards are slipping
New excuses for why Alice shouldn’t have married Chris

The lady didn’t love milk tray …

… she loved milk tray.

Didn’t matter to Harry, though. He still did a James Bond trying to get Zofia some apples. But, he came a cropper when he fell out of the tree.

Scrumping, that’s what we used to call it.

Jazzer doesn’t want to cook

Jazzer calls Harry:

[Jazzer] “Whit time will you be hame? … half an hour? … I’m starving!”

But, Jazzer is right enough this time. The deal was that he’d buy the food (which he has done), and Harry would cook it.

Zofia better watch out. No woman can get in the way of Jazzer’s stomach and get away with it.

Jazzer dies crack on with the cooking (I imagine that was the only way he was going to get to eat), but strikes gold when he calls Alice to ask how to make onion gravy, and gets Jennifer.

Learn from the best, my friend.

An anchovy, is an anchovy, is an anchovy

[Jennifer] “Economising is one thing, Alice, but you shouldn’t compromise where food is concerned … you really ought to stick with the quality brand names”

[Alice] “It’s the same food, in a different tin under a different name”

[Jennifer] “Well, how can you possibly tell? I can’t even pronounce what it says on this tin, let alone understand what’s inside?”

[Alice] “I think the picture is a bit of a giveaway … If it looks like an anchovy, and quacks like an anchovy, then it is an anchovy”

Jennifer has spotted ‘value brand’ products in Alice’s, as she’s helping to cook for a celebratory lunch 9wuth the Carters – after Chris got his business loan approved).

Jennifer is, as per, being a snob – but Susan mistakes her rant as Jennifer agreeing that buying value products, and shopping at much-cheapness shops is a good idea.

[Susan] “And your mum's isn’t the only 4x4 in the car park, either”

Poor Jennifer couldn’t get a word in to reassert her need for high value brands only …

She’s only later able to say to Brian:

[Jennifer] “Personally, I’d rather stick to Underwoods food hall”

Harry’s standards are slipping

He hasn’t lived up to his agreement with Jazzer about the cooking.

He eats his dinner, at the table, in his dressing gown.

And he tells Jazzer to leave the dishes until he gets back from a night out. Before, he would have insisted they were done there and then.

Changed man, is our Harry.

New excuses for why Alice shouldn’t have married Chris

Jennifer is now worried that Alice will lose her house if Chris’ business goes wrong. And, that would mean strangers could end up buying it, and living on Home Farm.

Imagine!

Brian reckons all will be well, and that he’ll step in to buy the house if need be.

But, Jennifer still wishes Alice has married someone else. Of better standing. Class, And bank account. Brian doesn’t agree – where Jennifer sees poverty, he sees drive, initiative and the sense 9of Chris) to not try and go cap in hand to him.

I’m with Brian.

Chris is a good ‘un.

Monday, 15 August 2011

The Archers Monday 15th August 2011: Eddie staggers on … in a good way

Clarrie couldn’t even face the nettles by the ferret run
Chris needs to bet the house
Hope Nic’s mum’s dog is okay
Nic feels guilty
Pound shops or not?
Folks couldn’t get enough of Alice’s punnets
Hurrah for the Grange Spinney woman with the Jack Russell!

Clarrie couldn’t even face the nettles by the ferret run

Eddie’ seems to be doing all of the earning at the moment. He’s working 2 mornings with Will. Has his job at the Market. Part-time at Brookfield. And does the odd patio job.

Which is what partners do – pick up the slack when the other is not up to par.

Clarrie can’t get motivated to do the simplest things, and sounds very down.

[Eddie] “What’s dad been up to now?”

[Clarrie] “It ain't Joe. He’s been good as gold. I left him smoking his pipe in the lean to, before he tackles Bartleby’s stable”

(actually - what has Joe been up to? Looking more and more like a Sid-gate ...)

But, Clarrie couldn’t even bring to sort out the nettles at the back of the Ferret run.

Imagine that.

Chris needs to bet the house

Chris has been to see the Bank Manager.

They’re very happy with him. They’ll give him the £40,000.

BUT only over 5 years. And he has to put Alice (and his) house down as security.

So – business goes belly up – they have to put a £40k mortgage on their house.

Which is still pretty good going, considering what a lot of other folks have to cope with.

However, I do think Chris needs to get a new business bank manager. Mine would have given him 10 years, and wouldn’t have even mentioned the house …

Hope Nic’s mum’s dog is okay

Doesn’t sound too good. She’s had to let down Nic in looking after the kids, and take her dog to the vets.

Nic feels guilty

Not about having to dump the kids on Clarrie (though she does feel a wee bit bad about it – but what can one do when there’s a sick dog?).

Nic reckons she feels guilty having to work at The Bull during school holidays.

So wonders if Clarrie could do some of her shifts.

Bless.

More about helping Clarrie than feeling too guilty about the kids (quite right too!).

But Clarrie isnae daft. She knows what Nic is up to and, while appreciative, also knows that the Bull is more than just a job to Nic:

[Clarrie] “You said yourself, the Bull is a bit of an oasis … a woman needs a bit of independence”

(especially when that woman is living with Will Grundy – he’s sweetness and light at the moment, but it only takes one wrong look … I also thought Clarrie was about to launch into a rendition of Woolf’s ‘A Room of One’s Own').

Folks couldn’t get enough of Alice’s punnets

At the Farmers’ Market.

But she still had enough to give a freebie to Clarrie. Very nice of her (though a tad patronising as well)

Pound shops or not?

Alice doesn’t seem to approve. She reckons it costs more in petrol to get there than it saves.

But Clarrie’s having a go. Needs must. And Clarrie is believes in buying in bulk.

I reckon it depends on what you’re buying. I recently discovered that it’s cheaper to buy 6 rolls of Andrex toilet paper than a 12 roll of cheap stuff. Andrex has more sheets per roll, you see.

And who’d have thought we’d ever see the day where Alice could sympathise with Clarrie Grundy about trying to get work.

Of course, Alice isn’t quite skint. She does own her own home. And has a husband with his own business. And a dad who’s minted …

Hurrah for the Grange Spinney woman with the Jack Russell!

Eddie quoted her weeks ago, has given her a chase, and has persuaded her to do it now rather than in the Autumn.

[Eddie] “So, if we can stagger on a bit like this, you’ll have found a proper job before we start feeling the pinch”

Phew!

All Clarrie need to do now is find a job.

That’ll be easy enough …

Thursday, 11 August 2011

The Archers Monday 1st August 2011: Bridge Farm’s back in business … sort-of

Adrian and Sally are back
Get Ed to talk to Radio Borchester
Lilian appalled at Alice’s career path
The Tom Archer brand must be protected
Helen’s on Tom’s side
Ronnie wants a barge
Darrell Paulhill – who he?

Adrian and Sally are back

Them from Environmental health (where did Ken MacLeod go to? Does it take three to shut them down, only 2 to re-open?).

They take their time to do their checks of the freshly steamed Bridge Farm – to the point where Tony could do nowt but tend to his cabbages.

But no need to worry – Bridge Farm has been given the all clear.

[Pat] “The E. coli has been dealt with and we’re open for business”

Which is great news.

Doesn’t mean to say that everything’s back to normal, though.

With less orders coming in, Helen even suggests that they give up on making ice-cream in the short term.

Blimey.

Get Ed to talk to Radio Borchester

Radio Borchester call to ask Pat to be interviewed by Wayne Folley tomorrow.

I’m not sure if Wayne Folley is meant to be one of those Jeremy Vine (or even Jeremy Kyle) types, but Pat should ask Ed to do the interview.

Remember when he played a blinder when he was interviewed about TB in cows, a few years back?

I did help that the interviewer was a lady who seemed to be quite attracted to Ed …

Lilian appalled at Alice’s career path

Lilian bumps into Alice at Grey Gables. She assumes that Alice is also there for a bit of pampering – so is shocked when Alice tells her that she’s trying to find Caroline to ask for a job.

Lilian sounded quite disgusted at the idea of Alice being a Chamber Maid (even though she’s done it before):

[Lilian] “But changing people’s sheets …”

[Alice] “Oh it’s fine Aunty Lilian, don’t be such a snob”

[Lilian] “Me?”

Aye, you!

Needs must, Lilian.

The Tom Archer brand must be protected

Honestly, I never know why I’m ever surprised at Tom being a selfish, overbearing, arrogant bad man.

He’s yet again harassing Pat and Tony about sacking Clarrie.

But this time he openly admits that his precious ‘Tom Archer’ brand is at stake.

Fair enough – but he surely could have kept quiet about being worried about his wee sausages, when it’s actually decades of his parent’s work which is most at risk?

What a prat.

Helen’s on Tom’s side

That’s more like it.

Helen being quite clinical, practical and controlling.

Phew! I thought we’d totally lost her to Henry!

Helen agrees that they should sack Clarrie.

[Helen] “It would be a really strong statement that we’ve dealt with it”

[Tony] “I don’t care, I’m not turning Clarrie into a scapegoat .. it’s not the way I want to ruin this farm … Clarrie came back in good faith”

Ronnie wants a barge

Ronnie didn’t say no to Chris’ Plan B (of buying his core business, but only leasing the premises for the first while).

He listened. But, he was planning on buying a barge. So likely does want all the money upfront.

So he’s away to ponder it.

Darrell Paulhill – who he?

He’s the chap that’s also interested in buying Ronnie’s Farrier business.

Alice mentioned him to Lilian – and his name rings a bell for her.

Will Lilian be able to pull a fast one for Chris and Alice? If only to spot Alice having to change other people’s sheets …

Sunday, 31 July 2011

The Archers Wednesday 27th July 2011: Chris needs £200,000

The Chelsea Chop
Bets on for Robert Snell booking Rage Against the Machine?
Shame about Oscar, Happy about Coriander
Matt plays a birthday card
No hoo-ha at Alice’s graduation?
85p for a can of tomatoes … outrageous!
No-one compares to Helen
“Crazy Punt” Chris?
Elizabeth misses Roy
Alice isn’t buying Bridge Farm ice-cream
The crack barn?

The Chelsea Chop

Lynda’s still on about Gardeners Question Time.

She took their advice to keep her flowers working longer and harder – seems if you cut back late flowering perennials, it’s called the Chelsea Chop.

Bets on for Robert Snell booking Rage Against the Machine?

Lynda’s trying to guess what type of music Robert’s organised for their garden party on Sunday.

He’s keeping it a surprise, so Lynda has no idea whether it’ll be a string quartet or a brass band.

Wonder if Robert will take the surprise even further?

Shame about Oscar, Happy about Coriander Bamford

Seems Jason has work on in the Netherlands, so he, Oscar and Coriander can’t make it to the party on Sunday.

Can’t say I’ll miss Coriander. I know she’s supposed to be ‘nicer’ than Leonie, but she still often doesn’t make for pleasant listening. Especially when she gets snippy about Lynda’s adoration of Oscar.

Matt plays a birthday card

Seems Matt also won’t be at the Snells’ party – it’s the same day as his birthday.

Lilian is still going, as (the very odious) James and Leonie will be in attendance.

Quite right too, Matt. Feet up. Large glass of whisky. Radio 4. Marvellous.

No hoo-ha at Alice’s graduation?

Is it just me, or is the damp squib count increasing in Ambridge?

Alice had to go back to Southampton for her graduation ceremony (she got a 2:1), accompanied by Chris, Brian and Jennifer.

And that was that, really.

No resurrection of Chas (actually not even a mention of Chas – Chris only mumbled that he wasn’t looking forward to spending the day with Brian and Jennifer).

Pfft.

85p for a can of tomatoes … outrageous!

[Susan] “You have to expect to pay a little bit extra here, for the convenience of having the shop on your doorstep, and when you think about what you spend on petrol going to the supermarket …”

I do agree with Susan, but there’s ‘a little bit’, and there’s taking the Michael.

No-one compares to Helen

Susan and Lynda are worried about Rhys’ forthcoming flat warming party. There could be noise – it could spill out into the Green – there’s could be cans and bottles scattered far and wide.

It wasn’t fair of them to compare Rhys to that weird Jonti chap who had lived (and ran away from) No.3 – but it was utterly unrealistic to compare him to Helen.

Of course Helen was the perfect tenant. Her idea of a wild time was a glass of wine, a box of chocolates and a DVD.

“Crazy Punt” Chris?

Chris was worried about his meeting with his bank manager. He’d spent plenty of time working on his business plan – and Alice had every confidence in him – but Chris reckoned that his bank manager would think his plan was a “crazy punt” and that he had “crazy expectations”.

Seems Chris needs £200,000 – and would have to raise at least £50,000 by April to at least have some sort of deposit.

Ouch.

Elizabeth misses Roy

But not in ‘that’ way. She just misses “Mr Dependable”.

But it’ll be her turn to have a holiday soon. She and twins will be off to Cornwall in September.

Alice isn’t buying Bridge Farm ice-cream

But not because of the E. coli – she reckons it’s just too expensive.

Which is very sensible, as she and Chris do need to save.

Would seem that Jennifer was kinda right that Alice isn’t living the life accustomed. Alice admits herself that she had been used to everything “provided on demand” by her parents.

But, as Chris pointed out, she got her degree through her own hard work – and at least she isn’t running a mile now that money isn’t flowing.

That’s love for you.

Alice reckons Chris is her “hero”.

And they have managed to get through a whole year of marriage. Their anniversary is tomorrow.

Aw. Sweet.

The crack barn?

Did I hear that right?

Did Elizabeth say that Pat has cancelled her stall ion the “crack barn” at the Garden Festival?

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Ambridge Extra Thursday 16th June 2011: Chas gets a right kicking*

(*metaphorically)

Do young people get hangovers that bad?
Natalie gives Jamie a second chance
Lesley knows where Chas lives
Mia's shoes fall apart … what?
Chas really is a looper
Fallon’s fandango
Wales Vs England
’ello Chas

Do young people get hangovers that bad?

Jamie’s seems to have lasted two days.

When I was a younger ‘un I could drink myself stupid and still function the morning after. Not the case now, I’m afraid.

Natalie gives Jamie a second chance

Lucky boy.

He doesn’t seem to remember much about what he’d done at Spud’s party. He calls Natalie after she doesn’t answer his text.

She’s annoyed. He begs. And she agrees to meet with him.

[Jamie] “Oh, I was being a prat again., wasn’t I?”

Natalie concurs, but reckons it was more Steve’s fault for getting Jamie so drunk.

[Natalie] “If it was a mission to put me off you, they succeeded”

But – it’s not a permanent state of mind, and she forgives.

Lesley knows where Chas lives

Alice answers the door to Lesley. He’s looking to speak to Chas but he isn’t in. Lucky for Chas.

[Alice] “He didn’t look like a Lesley, but he was very polite”

(eh? Are blokes called Lesley generally impolite?)

Chas audibly falls apart when he hears that Lesley has been round.

Which made for very pleasant listening, indeed.

I generally see the good in people. But Chas. Definitely, not, Chas.

Mia's shoes fall apart … what?

Rhys and co. are getting everything ready for Fallon’s surprise Glamping party, when Fallon calls Nic.

Fallon’s got two passes to the gym, so suggests she and Nic can train there rather than go for a walk – with the added bonus of a sauna after.

[Nic] “Oh, flip!”

She later calls Fallon back to say that she was out on a walk with Mia and Jake (up Lakey Hill), when Mia’s shoes fell to bits. She can’t manage to get back on her own, so she needs Fallon’s help. It has to be Fallon, not anyone at Brookfield with a 4x4 (as Fallon pointed out – it’s Brookfield’s land).

Sorry – but did Nic say that Mia’s shoes had fallen apart?

Her shoes?

What?

How does that ever happen?

Either I have lived a life far less, or Fallon will believe absolutely anything!

Chas really is a looper

[Chas] “We have to get away”

Chas has lost the plot, and is trying to drag Alice down with him.

He explains what the problem is. That he lends money, and it’s blown up in his face.

[Alice] “Chas, you’re a loan Shark?!?”

[Chas] “But these people, they’re that rubbish … what do you expect with that sort of trash?”

He mentions that he’d lent money to Jackie (which then led to her running away), and that he charges high interest because these people are indeed just that rubbish.

Alice asks if has ever hurt anyone, he claims he’s just broken a few things.

[Chas] “I’m not safe here anymore. He’ll kill me, Alice”

[Alice] “Oh my god, Chas, you poor thing!”

(what’s that Alice? You are you, these days??? He’s just told you he has made money off of desperate people – he’s surely brought this on himself?)

So, Chas has decided that he and Alice will run away together. He’s already bought the Eurostar tickets to Paris.

[Chas] “Then we can be together, anywhere in Europe”

[Alice] “What do you mean we? Be together? Us?”

[Chas] “You must know I love you. And I know you feel the same. You love me, don’t you?”

[Alice] “ …as a friend”

[Chas] “No, that’s because you haven’t allowed yourself to see it for what it is. You’re trying to be loyal to Chris … but deep down inside, you know we’re made for each other, we’re soul mates Alice, just be honest with yourself. You can’t tell me you never dreamed about it”

[Alice] “No … of course I’ve thought , if things were different …”

So that’s that. Chas has heard that Alice wants to be with him, and will run away with him.

If Chas wasn’t such a looper, he’d have heard Alice being honest, but not that enthusiastic about him, or running away.

Later on, he’s at Eurostar waiting for Alice. But her phone is turned off.

He waits. And waits.

He even tries to stop the last train leaving for “his girlfriend”. When it leaves, he cries out a very loud (and embarrassing) “Noooooooooooooooooooo!”

Hah! Couldn’t have happened to a nicer chap.

Fallon’s fandango

Fallon does fall for Nic’s rather rubbish white lie, and goes up Lakey Hill.

And … SURPRISE!

All the grand are there in their finery – they even took a choice of finery for Fallon to choose from – and Rhys even has made Fallon her own ‘Fallon Fandango’ cocktail.

[Fallon] “Oh, you, lovely people”

Wales Vs England

[Rhys] “In Wales, we don’t let a little mountain get in our way … further proof of the inferiority of the English race”

Rhys was taking Harry to task for saying that it would have been near impossible for anyone to have cycled (with a trailer) all the gear up for the glamping party.

So looks like Harry and Rhys are going to have a race.

’ello Chas

After failing to reach Alice, after failing to catch his train to Paris, Chas returns home to his flat.

To find Lesley standing outside.

“ …‘ello Chas. I’ve been waiting for you …”

Oh-ho!

Now, I don’t want Chas badly hurt, but maybe just a bit of sense knocked into him wouldn’t go amiss.

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 14th June 2011: Exams are over

Chas really is a prat
Nic’s cunning plan
“Sunny with the occasional scattered showers”
Chas is threatened. Hurrah!
Spud’s party

Chas really is a prat

[Chas] “It’s a post-feminist polemic portraying transgressive female solidarity in the face of reactionary male hegemony”

[Alice] “Looks like Lady Gaga to me”

I know he was joking, but he just isn’t funny. Or clever. Or a decent human being …

Later on, when Alice’s talking about all of the farewell parties she’s going to over the next few weeks (as exams are over and she’s leaving Uni), Chas’ diary didn’t seem to be that full.

Nae mates Chas!

And to top it all off, he later (while a bit drunk and maudlin) tries to tell Alice how much he’s going to miss living with her. I suspect, he really wanted to say that he’s in love with her.

[Chas] “Out of all the people I’ve met … you’re special, the best …”

All he gets is:

[Alice] “Aw, you big softie’”

[Chas] “You’ll have forgotten my name soon”

Here’s hoping!

Nic’s cunning plan

Nic has to come up with a reason why Fallon should go to Lakey Hill. Rhys and Kirsty are trying to make up for their previous prank (pretending they were getting engaged) by playing the rather nicer prank of a surprise ‘glamping’ party for Fallon.

Still not sure why Rhys is so adamant that Nic is the woman for the job. Especially as she’s really struggled to come up with an idea for how she’ll get Fallon up the Hill without spoiling the surprise.

So what’s Nic’s plan?

To say that she’s taking part in a sponsored work for the school.

So, she needs to train. And asks Fallon to go one of her walks with her.

Fine enough idea. Except, Nic reckons her sponsored walk is 20 miles …

20 miles!

Nic didn’t think that one through, and I reckon Fallon will twig something is awry very shortly.

“Sunny with the occasional scattered showers”

Is how Rhys is feeling today.

[Rhys] “As incompatible as chips and custard”

Is what he reckons he and Kirsty are.

Seriously, Jazzer should watch his step. He may lose his ‘wit of Ambridge’ crown.

Chas is threatened. Hurrah!

[Lesley] “You piece of crap. You need to learn some manners mate … who the hell do you think you are?”

[Chas] “I accept, on reflection, that I may have been a little excessive …”

[Lesley] “Shut up … that debt is written off, paid in full. You stay away from Reggie and forget about the money., Understand! … and here’s one more thing. I won’t forget you. If I ever come across you again, you’ll know it … you better watch your step, posh boy”

All of which puts Chas right off his lunch.

Serves Chas right. He’s a wee lad trying to play a big man’s game. It’s taking a proper big man to put him back in his place. Course, none of this would have happened if Chas hadn’t been taking advantage of desperate people in the first place.

When Chas is later out and about, Lesley spots him on the street – forcing Chas to run away like the wee laddie he is.

Spud’s party

Jamie’s exams are also over, so he’s at Steve’s party, just about to have a dance with Natalie.

[Steve] “Nah mate, you don’t want to do that”

Course he doesn’t. Watching Spud chug a beer is far better than dancing with a girl.

True to form, Jamie ends up ignoring and being rude to Natalie, so that he can get drunk with (and impress) his moronic mates.

[Natalie] “Grow up Jamie, for god sake!”

Natalie storms off. Jamie gets drunker still. Eventually ends up in such a state that he can’t be persuaded to leave the party once it’s well and truly over. Steve wants to just leave him slumped where he is. Steve does leave, but Marty stays with Jamie.

Nice work Jamie.

You’ll likely be single again, but at least you know Marty isn’t a totally useless mate.

Friday, 27 May 2011

Ambridge Extra Thursday 26th May 2011: Jamie’s a thief with a conscience

Wigging out
Kirsty and Rhys are engaged
Neither a lender not a borrower
Spencer is definitely marriage material
Nice present for a fish
Alice is still oblivious

Wigging out

Jamie’s pondering a bracelet that he’d like to buy for Natalie.

Marty is not impressed.

[Marty] “I reckon Steve had it spot on … you, you’ve gone soft … didn’t know you were going to turn into a girl as well … look at you, wigging out over some jewellery”

(the Urban dictionary reckons ‘wigged out’ is: Being devoid of reality, To lose sense of normalcy, An out of body experience. To act crazy as a reaction. To briefly flirt with lunacy)

With a heckler hardly being conducive to choosing a present for one’s girlfriend, Jamie’s ready to give up trying to find something. Any anyway, the jewellery is too expensive.

At which point Marty becomes interested again. He wants Jamie to steal it.

[Marty] “What’s the big? You’ll prove that you’re solid. Don’t you want to prove to Steve that he’s wrong .. .stop being a wuss, just swipe it”

So he does.

Kirsty and Rhys are engaged

Well, not really.

It was all just a ruse to wind Fallon up – to get her back for being so adamant that Kirsty and Rhys should date.

Kirsty started off that she also “can’t believe it could be like this”, which made Fallon over the moon.

(Though, when Fallon was checking that all was okay in the bedroom department, she sounded like she was about to ask what exactly does go on in the bedroom department … has Jolene not had ‘that’ talk with Fallon yet?)

Then, during the party that they were at, Rhys and Fallon stopped the music – and made the announcement that they were engaged.

Kirsty keeps laying it on thick. That it was all because of Fallon. That it was her idea.

[Kirsty] “Put preconceptions aside, and just jump straight in”

Fallon starts to sound a bit horrified at the (very loving) monster she’s created. She baulks at Kirsty asking her to be chief bridesmaid.

But Rhys and Kirsty don’t let her stew for long. They tell her the truth, and they all have a good laugh about it.

[Kirsty] “This is about the first thing we’re enjoyed doing together!”

[Rhys] “Put down your bow and arrow!”

Hmm. Very odd behaviour from Fallon, but at least we’re met Rhys properly.

Neither a lender not a borrower

Chas is in a bad way.

He’s now trying to get the folks he’s lent money to (and been harassing ever since with his rather pathetic big man routine) to pay him more back earlier.

Actually. He doesn’t ask. He begs.

Spencer is definitely marriage material

Spencer tells Kirsty that he’s worried about Pip.

He’s starting to think she’s starting to lose interest in him.

Kirsty tells him about the whole David/Elizabeth situation.

Later, he gently tells Pip that he knows. And that he’d totally understand if she needed to spend more time with her family. Also, that’s he’s there for her to talk to.

Bless him indeed. Keep a hold of this one, Pip.

Nice present for a fish

As Marty gets hassled by a goose, Jamie can’t tackle down his sense of guilt over stealing the bracelet.

[Jamie] “It just doesn’t feel right”

He feels bad about stealing it. And worse at the thought of giving Natalie a birthday present that he’s stolen.

So, he chucks it in the river.

[Marty] “What did you do that for? What’s Steve going to say? He’s going to think you’re a right loser now … he’s right, you have gone weird”

Probably would have been better to have taken the bracelet back to the shop, but at least Jamie’s taken another step in the right direction.

Tell the moronic thugs to get lost, young Mr Perks. Go on.

Alice is still oblivious

Chas is in a foul mood.

Alice puts it down to exam stress, and starts wittering on about going on holiday once she’s finished the Uni term. Even thinks of South Africa …

[Chas - shouting] “And I thought you needed to buy a van … I’m glad to see you’re putting my money to good use!”

He later apologies.

[Chas] “I need you, Alice. I’d go stark staring mad if I fell out with you on top of everything else … We need to get through these last few weeks together”

What an odious little creep.

Worse still – where has our Alice gone? She’s an Aldridge, for goodness sake. She should have the second site when it comes to tricksters …

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 24th May 2011: Chas has a wicked brother-in-law

Jamie doesn’t use a plate for his bacon sarnie
Rhys and Kirsty … Game On
Jamie can spot a softening up when it happens
Jackie Parker has disappeared
Frigid kid?
It’s called Borchester because …
Pip drinks cinnamon latte
Steve and Marty on the nick
Aw. Spencer can even tell when Pip’s upset
When’s a brother not a brother?

Jamie doesn’t use a plate for his bacon sarnie

And rushes out without a by or leave to Fallon.

Well, I never!

Rhys and Kirsty … Game On

Rhys and Kirsty, after admitting to each other that there is no heart-flutterings between them. Have decided to get their own back on the rather bizarre Fallon (why oh why was she so determined to get them together?).

So looks like the plan is to pretend that Rhys is smitten.

[Rhys] “She’s amazing … I never knew a girl like her … she’s gorgeous, she’s funny, she’s smart … she’s got the most spectacular … There is nothing more riveting than sitting for hours watching a heron waiting for his prey .. .especially if you watch it in a hide … they can be very private places … if you know what I mean … Kirsty Miller has fired arrows straight through my heart”

Rhys later calls Kirsty to tell her he’s hooked Fallon into believing him.

[Rhys] “I can hardly keep my face straight. Touch you!”

(the inference is – as if I would! And Kirsty agrees likewise).

So they reckon it’s “Game on”, wind up Fallon time.

Jamie can spot a softening up when it happens

Jamie is quite perturbed that Jolene has cut his hours back by half, so now he only works a Sunday.

He even noticed Jolene tactics of trying to make it (somehow) less painful with a bacon sandwich.

[Jolene] “She gave me a bacon sandwich to soften me up”

He reckons it’s all Kathy’s fault. So expect a bit more shouting to come …

Problem is – without the cash, how is Jamie going to buy a present for Natalie?

(and I will admit that I really could care less)

Jackie Parker has disappeared

Jackie is the student who owed Chas money. She’s seemingly done a runner.

Alice has heard about it from some of her Uni mates, and tells Chas.

He first just seems angry that he might not see his money.

Then, Chas seemed to be a bit nervous.

Was he starting to feel guilt about the reality of what he does to folks he lends money to? That he causes them stress, worry, does something so horrible to them that they have to run away. In Jackie’s case, she’s run before she could get her degree.

Or, is he more worried about Alice now finding out what he’s been up to?

Frigid kid?

[Marty] “Hey Pip, that’s not a very nice hand gesture”

(Pip has seemingly made a gesture at Steve as he drives by, and makes a bloke-on-a-building-site remark to her)

[Steve] “Is that why you’re going out with my brother then? You don’t like getting interest from a real man.”

[Pip] “No Steve. I’m just not interested in his little brother … get a life”

(Marty starts sniggering)

[Steve] “Shut up Marty. She’s a frigid kid anyway”

What a charmer that Steve is….

It’s called Borchester because …

… it’s boring.

So reckons Marty.

And that’s why I listen to Ambridge Extra. I’ll learning something new every day (!).

Pip drinks cinnamon latte

Oh how young farmers have changed.

Steve and Marty on the nick

While Jamie is off ‘studying’ with Natalie, Steve and Marty steal video games.

How very droll.

Steve reckons Jamie has gone a bit soft for choosing a girl over his mates.

[Steve] “Let Jamie do what he wants. We don’t need him”

Oh, now there’s a happy thought.

If Steve and Marty ‘dump’ Jamie, there might be hope for him after all.

Aw. Spencer can even tell when Pip’s upset

And what’s more, he even cares enough to want her to tell him.

But Pip seems to be an apple fallen close to David’s tree. She won’t tell him.

Ticking time bomb, that whole side of the Archers clan.

When’s a brother not a brother?

When he’s an evil brother-in-law.

Chas in back on the phone to (London) Vince. He has to tell Vince that Jackie has done a runner, so he will be late in paying back the money he loaned from Vince in the first place to loan to Jackie (still with me?).

And the plot thickens.

Vince is a bit perturbed to hear that Chas needs more time to pay him. And mentions that the job he was lining up for Chas in London may not now happen.

Is it a job in the City? As a money collector? A bouncer?

Chas seemingly starts to feel a bit under the cosh.

[Chas] “Please! I’m your brother …”

[Vince] “ … in-law. And how do you think your sister will react when she find out that I’ve lost 16 grand?”

How odd that Chas called his brother-in-law his brother – but odder still that Vince doesn’t seem to give a hoot about his wife’s brother.

Doesn’t seem like quite a nice family at all.

Now Chas has to pay double the interest to Vince, by the end of next week.

And that 16 grand must be the amount Chas loaned to Chris.

Trouble is afoot …

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 17th May 2011: Jamie’s bullied by a girl

click the title above, or the 'read more' link below the bullet points, to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

Chris signs up
Alice makes a homophobic remark
Rhys gees up Jamie
Natalie makes Jamie do her bidding
Rhys takes Kirsty for a ride
Chas has Alice completely under the cosh
Please stop blasting music at me

Chris signs up

What an idiot.

Chris has signed up with Chas for the money, and then had to suffer Chas taking the Michael out of him not being able to keep Alice is the manner to which she is accustomed.

Alice makes a homophobic remark

[Alice to Chas] “If I’m a princess, then you’re a big queen”

Eh?

I’m not too sure what to make of that.

Alice really has had a major personality transplant for Ambridge Extra.

Rhys gees up Jamie

It’s Jamie’s exams tomorrow, and Rhys is giving him a bit of a pep talk.

It’s basically the ‘knuckle down, it’ll soon be over’ speech, but Jamie does seem to listen to Rhys.

Natalie makes Jamie do her bidding

What a wee shame on Jamie. He’s bullied by Steve and co into doing stuff he doesn’t necessarily want to do – and now Natalie is twisting him round her wee finger.

He’s just finished his shift at The Bull, and needs to get back home to study.

But Natalie calls, and begs Jamie to come over to hers.

She’s been studying all day, is fed and now feels sick at the thought of her exams.

Rather than tell her that he needs to get his work done, Jamie consents, and heads over.

Not much of a competition though – studying, or snogging.

Anyhoo, he does get his snogging. But he also gets Natalie’s take on what tomorrow’s exam might involve.

“Inform – explain – describe … complex phrases”

You feel Jamie sinking deeper and deeper into a mind frame of “’I know feuck all, and the exam is tomorrow’.

(which is a nightmare that I still get – though mine is always about maths).

Rhys takes Kirsty for a ride

She has to make it under her own steam, though.

They’re off on their bike ride to the pub.

Kirsty seems hopeful that her bike is too rubbish to let her go on the ride, but Rhys fixes it in a jiffy.

So off they set on, to Kirsty’s horror, a whopping two hour bike ride.

A lot of panting and nettles later, Kirsty sounded like she wanted to kiss the ground when they finally got to the pub.

She decides she definitely prefers bird watching to bike riding

[Kirsty] “No stings, No chaffing. You can normally still walk afterwards”

Rhys takes that as an invite to go bird watching, which he’s more than keen to do.

But Kirsty doesn’t seem too keen to spend more time with Rhys …

[Rhys] “You can show me the difference between a blue and a grey tit”

[Kirsty] “Well, if that’s what you’d like …”

Chas has Alice completely under the cosh

[Alice] “Our own home Chris, and we’ve got Chas to thank for that”

*sigh*

Why neither of these previously quite intelligent young folks can spot that Chas in an Ar*e, I don’t know.

Chris was starting to say that he reckons Chas makes him feel off, but Chas interrupted.

Chris had to leave shortly, so he and Alice to go out for a bit, but Chas manages to tag along.

Alice returns to the flat (after Chris got rid of Chas), to find Chas and Paulie doing pull ups on the door.

All fairly innocuous stuff – but put it all together, and most sane folks will decide that Chas is an ar*e.

But not Alice.

[Alice] “You’re amazing Chas. It’s so generous”

And now she’s cooking for him! Because he has studying to do! But she has studying to do! And Chris is paying interest for Chas’ ‘generosity’!!!

After cooking him his tea, Alice then has to spend yet more time with Chas.

[Chas] “Okay then,. I’ll go warm up the sofa”

Oh goodness me! Where’s our Alice?

Please stop blasting music at me

We had another musical interlude. Which (sounding like a grumpy old lady), I really don’t like.

Radio 1 is for music, Radio 4 is for talk.

Hmpf.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Ambridge Extra Thursday 5th May 2011: Fallon creates a good old fashioned farce

click the title above, or the 'read more' link below the bullet points, to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

Can we provide Reggie with a large dog?
“I tuck that”
Because the lady does love cigarettes
Oh, how we laughed at Fallon and Rhys
Chris is not amused with Alice
Rhys is a funny chap!

Can we provide Reggie with a large dog?

Or a gun? A big man? Or a big group of men? Or, a big group of really irritated women?

Anything to help Reggie make that obnoxious Chas go away.

It’s bad enough that Chas took £150 from Reggie when it would leave Reggie with not enough money for food (Reggie did borrow the money in the first place, and could simply be pleading poverty, but I’d believe and support anyone over Chas).

But worse that Reggie also has to listen to the worst ‘hard man’ routine ever uttered.

“I tuck that”

Can anyone translate the following:

[Steve] “Oh Bev yeah, of course, I tuck that … I gave her some of the Stevie love”

Tuck that?

Is that just a daytime use of the F word???

Because the lady does love cigarettes

[Steve] “Natalie’s gagging for it, and Jamie needs to get out there”

So Jamie gets goaded into going over and offering Natalie a fag … (such romance!).

But it seems to work. Jamie’s meeting Natalie later on.

Oh, how we laughed at Fallon and Rhys!

Fallon asks Rhys to Kirsty’s barbeque.

He thought he was working.

You could hear him turn a bit green when Fallon told him that she’d changed the shifts so that they could go to Kirsty’s together.

I always though Fallon was a bit of a ‘babe’, but she’s obviously not Rhys’ type.

He panicked, and started waffling about how his mum lives in Spain, his mum’s sister (Aunty Jean) lives in Wales. He needs to go and see her as he now has his day off:

[Rhys] “gotta keep in with her if I ever want to inherit her collection of China dogs”

Pressed further by Fallon, Rhys then gently breaks it to her that he likes her and all that, but that she’s his boss. And has experience of the dangers of going out with the boss.

[Rhys] “When it goes wrong, they’re slicing a lemon and you’re wondering where it will go next … not that I’m saying you’re violent … what are the changes of their being two psycho females running pubs in Borchester!”

But all’s well that ends well. Fallon reassures him that she’s not interested in him (which led to a ‘oh … why ever not?’ type response from Rhys), and that they’re going as mates.

Think she should tell him about Kirsty?

Chris is not amused with Alice

After taking all of poor Reggie’s money, Chas hassles Alice to forgo studying so that he can take her out to dinner. On him. Using Reggie’s money (not that Alice is aware of that).

Chas even manages to get Alice into a nice frock.

As Alice and Chas return all giggly and flushed after their meal, they find they have a surprise guest.

Mr Alice Carter (or simply ‘Chris’ to his mates).

Alice has left her phone at home, so Chris was let in by Alice’s other flatmate.

Chris has something important to tell Alice, but she was too tiddly to listen. So Chris has another go in the morning.

[Chris] “I thought you were working last night… looking like that?”

Calming down a tad, Chris tells Alice that his boss is retiring – and is dropping very large hints that Chris could take over the business.

But, to do that, his boss is also hinting that the business needs a new van now. And that his previous apprentice is also interested.
So, Chris needs to buy a van. They have some money aside, but not quite enough.

After Chris has left to go back home, Alice tells Chas all. Who is very, very, interested.

Chas lends Chris the money? Chas tries to get heavy when Chris can repay? Chris shows Chas exactly what damage his ‘wee hammer’ can do???

Rhys is a funny chap!

Rhys seems like a nice, as well as quite an amusing, bloke.

He might actually be in the running to challenge Jazzer for his crown in classic one-liners.

[Rhys] “You know, we’re used to waiting for things in Wales …grand slam …evolution … sunshine”