Wednesday, 30 November 2011

The Archers Wednesday 30th November 2011: Helen might be back to Hellin … *sigh*

(and I’ve been so smug that she’s a changed woman – the Helen haters will have a field day over this!)
  • Lilian puts Brenda in her place
  • Helen’s making cheese
  • Brenda’s skiving
  • Tom’s terrified for Helen
  • Helen begs Pat
  • Everyone enjoys a good gallop, according to Lilian
  • It takes a red coat to stop Lilian looking like a cow
  • Tony still adoring Brian’s failures

Lilian puts Brenda in her place

Brenda’s been away in Nottingham doing Lilian’s bidding.

She was quite happy, as she got to visit her friend Lottie. She also got a “good girl” for bringing back information packs and photos.

Brenda and Lilian are at the Mart, casing the joint before tomorrow’s formal opening.

[Lilian] “Such a shame the animals have to come in and spoil it!”

Brenda starts waffling about how she used to go to cattle sales with her dad. Lilian really isn’t interested.

And when Brenda mentions about being at the opening tomorrow:

[Lilian, with sarcastic pity in her voice] “Oh Brenda, did I say, I think it’s better you stay in the office. In fact, you better get back there now, darling, pronto, the emails must be piling up from yesterday. See you Brenda!”

[Brenda] “Uh! Cow!”

Tee-hee. Lilian does keep a grudge going, but with such class.

Helen’s making cheese

Which pat doesn’t see as a good sign. It’s her first batch since Henry, and she hadn’t mention she was going to make it.

[Tony] “You know Helen. She seeks refuge in routine when the water’s choppy … I expect she wants some peace and quiet. And to get away from you”

[Pat] “Charming!”

[Tony] “Well it’s obvious you’re dying to pounce on the subject of Rich”

[Pat] “I’m trying to act normally”

[Tony] “It’s not working. You’re like a coiled spring!”

[Pat] “I’m worried she’s closing off”

[Tony] “She’s just being Helen”

[Pat] “Exactly. We had that dramatic exit from super. Racking tears shaking the whole house. And this morning, nothing”

[Tony] “Pat .. back off. You know you can’t ever force her and it doesn’t work … what they need is support to deal with this in their own way … you need to stop this obsession with a grandson you may never meet and concentrate instead on the children you have here!”

[Pat] “I love my children more than anything”

[Tony] “Then give them time”

[Pat] “Yes, yes you’re right”

[Tony] “At last!”

But Pat then heads off to go and see Helen.

[Tony] “You’ll be at her in her den!”

[Pat] “I agreed not to push her, not to ignore her”

Pat really isn’t giving up. But where she thinks finding Rich could heal the family, Tony thinks it could break them.

Brenda’s skiving

She’s met up with Tom at Jaxx rather than returning to work (as she was told to by Lilian. Oh dear).
Lilian will catch her out one way or another.

Brenda may reckon she’s a cow, but she’s the cow who pays her wages.

Tom’s terrified for Helen

Starting on with how Pat and Tony sprung this all on him and Helen when Brenda wasn’t there:

[Tom] “They’ll just love it when it’s the nuclear foursome, the claustrophobic clan”

Tom then moves onto his fears for Helen.

[Tom] “It’s all so weird … No warning, like a rabbit out of a hat, so insensitive, nightmare. Helen’s love for john and her, well, her worship of him I suppose, went so deep, I suppose. All her problems stem from his accident. She walks on this thin layer of ice all the time. And I’m always expecting it to crack and fall though …

“So why were mum and dad prepared to risk that again? After all the progress she’s made, fighting her way back from Greg, starving herself, and this one great achievement of hers that says ‘hey mum and dad look I’m better now, I’m well’, they have to go and trump that with this virtual grandson. It’s so crass.”

Tom’s terrified Helen will unravel.

Brenda manages to get Tom off the topic long enough to talk about he feels. He admits he’s struggling to “make sense of it” and that he thinks this will open up all of the old family wounds.

[Tom] “It’s totally spooked me Brenda. All my life I’ve tried to move out from john’s shadow. Now this”

So John’s back to displace Tom.

But I do believe him when he says that he’s thinking more of Helen. For once, Tom isn’t just in Tom’s world.

Helen begs Pat

[Helen, crying] “Mum, please don’t phone Sharon … I’m not ready … I’m so confused.”

[Pat] “I know. And I promise I won’t. Not yet”

Note that Pat said “not yet”.

Even Helen about to break down isn’t going to change Pat’s mind.

Everyone enjoys a good gallop, according to Lilian

Lilian is teaching Henry the way gentleman ride by bouncing him up and down.

[Tony] “You’ll make him sick”

[Lilian] “We’ll, who doesn’t enjoy a good gallop, eh”

Quite right Lilian.

And Henry seems to agree. He’s happily chuckling away.

It takes a red coat to stop Lilian looking like a cow

Lilian’s showing off her new coat to Tony. She was desperate – her mum and Jennifer were both out.
She’s bought it for the Mart’s opening.

[Tony] “I’ll try not to mistake you for a Hereford then!”

Might also help Brenda stop mistaking Lilian for a cow as well.

(I know – Hereford are beef cattle …)

Tony still adoring Brian’s failures

Tony and Lilian are chatting about the Mart’s failure (so far).

[Lilian] “He can’t always deliver what he promises”

[Tony] “Well he loves the big talk, doesn’t he. It would be rather delicious if the microphone failed in the middle of his opening speech … I’m sick of him and Jennifer going on and on about this wonderful so called legacy project of his when he’s clearly going to make a packet out of it!”
Lilian reminds Tony that she’s also on the Board.

[Tony] “I was being wicked”

[Lilian] “Be careful what you wish for …”

[Tony] “I’ll just have to content myself that Brian may have a sleepless night tonight worrying”

[Lilian to Henry] “What a naughty gramps you've got!”

Tony then has a dig about Brian swanning off on holiday.

[Lilian] “Well, there’s always problems waiting for you when you get back”

[Tony, cheering up] “Yes, that’s true!”

The Archers Tuesday 29th November 2011: Tom and Helen about John’s “son”

  • Joe’s not impressed with the new Mart
  • John’s favourite booked was Little Piggly Wriggly
  • Tony adores Brian’s failures
  • Why is anyone surprised at Helen walking away from Lasagne?
  • Helen and Tom … meet your nephew

Joe’s not impressed with the new Mart

It’s too big for him.

[Joe] “I've leant over railings like these to watch cattle auctions all me life and the auctioneer ain't never needed a microphone before … “

But Brian tells Joe the auctioneer wouldn’t be heard otherwise.

[Joe] “ … he never need no fancy spotlights neither nor computers screens on the walls just to sell a few beasts”

But Brian tells him that it’s the most “cutting edge” in the Shire, with plenty of parking.

Joe really isn’t having it. He’s also not impressed by washers for the trucks

[Joe] “Bio security … what’s wrong with a bit of honest dark dirt, eh!”

Tony comes along and tends to agree with Joe. He also reckons that some of the farmers are confused about nowhere to offload their cattle and sheep. And both of them snort when Brian calls the farmers “customers”.

[Tony] “I find it all rather intimidating”

[Brian] “It’s called 21st century technology boys”

And right on cue, the electrics went down.

Almost as if someone had timed it (!).

It meant there was no hot food and drinks (as well as halting the sale), so folks weren’t best pleased.

Which led to Brian bellowing at Cliff for most of the day.

Not to worry. The electrics did come back on again … and went off again just as quickly.

I feel sorry for Cliff …

John’s favourite booked was Little Piggly Wriggly

[Pat] “that should have told us something”

Tony adores Brian’s failures

He was positively glowing at the Mart’s failure on its first day.

[Tony] “Absolutely ridiculous Tom, nobody knew what was going on … in the end the staff had to resort to pen and paper to write the receipts down … and if course people couldn’t pay, only if they had cash on them … IOUs and a handshake like the old days I expect, Brian was furious … Joe was pretty smug about the whole thing …”

Why is anyone surprised at Helen walking away from Lasagne?

(actually, Pat said she “waltzed”)

And, I suppose Helen is a new lady these days. Eating, and all that.

She comes back down with her bridesmaid’s dress on.

[Tony] “You look smashing love!”

[Tom, also approving] “Very slinky, isn’t it!”

[Helen] “You’re not sure it doesn’t make me look big?”

(oh – scratch that last bit – she isn’t 100% a new lady yet)

Helen and Tom … meet your nephew

[Tom] “Are you alright mum?”

[Pat] “More than alright!”

She starts telling them about how she met Kylie at Ivy’s funeral.

[Pat] “She’s a lovely girl”

[Tom] “Not like Sharon …”

[Pat] “Susan told me two weeks ago Kylie’s got a little brother … and we believe, we’ll we’re pretty certain actually, that Rich is …”

[Tony] “ …John’s son”

[Helen, aghast] “Johns!”

[Tom, furious] “No, that’s mad!”

[Tony] “Well, it seemed mad to us, but the more we looked into it, the more probable it become”

So they fetch the laptop.

[Tom] “But Sharon … she must have had loads of boyfriends after John … where on earth have you got all this from?”

[Helen] “Why are you doing this mum?”

[Tom] “So just because the numbers stack up, you want it to be true … I bet she was sleeping around anyway when she was with John, so how can you be certain?”

[Helen] “Why you clutching at straws, trying to bring John back, it’s sick mum!”

[Tony] “Look at the screen before you make up your minds”

And they put up the picture of Rich on the laptop, and also put a picture of John next to it.

[Helen, as she runs off crying] “No!”

[Tom, as he runs off after Helen] “For heaven’s sake, what do you think you’re both playing at!”

Which leaves Tony and Pat in the kitchen themselves.

[Tony] “I tried to warn you”

[Pat] “I hoped they might be a bit excited as well”

[Tony] “That’s what I’ve been trying to get through to you. You can’t anticipate how people will react just because you want something yourself”

They agree that the photo was probably a step too far. And it can’t have helped that Pat was so excited – when this was a complete bolt out of the blue for Helen and Tom.

[Tony] “You agreed to involve them. It can't be a unilateral decision … we need to take this news on board as a family, and it’s going to take time”

While upstairs:

[Helen, hysterically sobbing] “Why does mum want to take us back to that terrible time Tom, why?”

[Tom] “We can’t be sure it is John’s son”

[Helen] “Come on. You saw the photograph …I can’t go back there, I can’t”

Oh sugar.

Just when Helen had found her happy place in life, this could pull her right back to Hellin.

Two observations from me – first, why did Pat and Tony tell them in such a hurried and shocking way? And second, surely some folks can look like other folks without even being related?

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 29th November 2011: A shock from the past for Alan

(which isn’t fair. Alan deserves only sunshine and happy faces)

  • Daniel shall go to the ball
  • When salmon isn’t fish
  • Welcome to Ambridge Extra, Usha and Alan!
  • Letters from the past
  • Just middle aged ego?
  • Usha reckons praying isn’t going to solve it
  • Egypt isn’t well
  • Daniel’s going to get the parental sex talk
  • The truth about Catherine

Daniel shall go to the ball

Daniels’ mate Gav wants to go to the New Year’s Seniors ball. And he wants them to have dates. So he’s pushing Daniel to ask Erin. As Ellie Henderson blew Gav out. And Gav will have a better chance of finding another date if Daniel has a date. (or something like that)

[Gav] “I went out on a limb and she took a chainsaw to it!”

So Daniel asks Erin.

She at first reckons she might be away with her folks (skiing), but later tells him that they’re going in February, so she can with Daniel.

He’s over the moon.

When salmon isn’t fish

[Erin] “I didn’t think you ate fish due to the threat to the global fish stocks”

[Daniel] “Eh. This is salmon,. It’s farmed. Although there are some environmental downsides …”

Welcome to Ambridge Extra, Usha and Alan!


If Ambridge Extra achieves nothing else, it has at least given us back a bit more time with Usha and Alan (especially Alan).

Thank goodness someone did think to stop having so many of the hidden microphones pointed at just youngsters …

Letters from the past

Alan’s looking through letters from Amy’s great aunt (who recently died). They’re all from his first wife Catherine (who died a fair while back).

He at first thinks Catherine was writing to her aunt while she was on holiday. The letters had Falconwood at the top, which Alan reckoned was probably a holiday camp or a B&B.

[Usha] “You don’t feel it’s prying a bit?”

Usha – to herself - into you late wife’s business … I wonder if he’d be as keen to read my childhood letters?

(eh? Is Usha jealous of Alan’s dead wife?)

As Alan reads on, Catherine makes mention of some girls getting into a fight, and one of them ending up in hospital. Then how she was punished for not making her bed right. And then how one of the girls tried to run away.

[Alan] “This Falconwood place must have been some sort of institution .. Catherine must have been there for at least a year … I had no idea … what on earth could have happened to her?”

Oo-er. Very mysterious indeed.

Just middle aged ego?

[Alistair to Shula] “I’m a bit concerned about Erin”

Alistair – to himself - and what she’s up …

He claims that he’s worried about her taking time off school to go on his rounds.

[Shula] “She’s not been a nuisance, has she?”

Alistair – to himself - not that way …

[Alistair] “Would you say she’s a bit over attentive?”

Shula thinks Alistair means Daniel, which leaves Alistair wondering whether he has to spell it out to her …

(um, yes!)

Alistair – to himself - or is this just middle aged ego. Do I want her to fancy me? Should I show her  (Shula) that text. Or, would she just laugh at me? Get a grip on yourself. It’s your imagination. If she’s going to that with him …

In fact, Alistair is so (outwardly) delighted that Erin and Daniel are going to the ball, he even offers to pay. And to help Daniel choose his first dinner suit.

Alistair – to himself - thank goodness for that 

Hmmm. Does any one of us believe Erin has any intention of focusing on Daniel over Alistair? It’s all just a game …

Usha reckons praying isn’t going to solve it

Alan’s still pondering Catherine’s letters.

[Alan] “Whatever it was, it must have been a huge episode in her life”

[Usha] “What are you going to do?”

[Alan] “Pray, obviously”

[Usha] “And speak to Mabel …”

[Alan] “I’m not sure about that. It’s what I need guidance on”

Alan’s worried that Catherine’s spell in (what he assumes was) an institution might have been down to some sort of failing in Mabel as a parent.

Usha – to herself - this is going to eat away at him. I don’t think just praying is the answer

Egypt isn’t well

According to Shula, Egypt is “out of sorts”.

Lucky horse to have Alistair on call.

Daniel’s going to get the parental sex talk

Alistair and Shula think Erin must be serious about Daniel.

[Shula] “I’ve been wondering about sex …”

[Alistair] “Well, that’s a better offer than a cup of tea!”

[Shula] “I wonder if it might be an idea to have a little talk with Daniel about taking precautions”

Alistair tries to wriggle out of it by saying that Daniel will surely have done that at school.

[Shula] “I’m sure Daniel understands”

[Alistair] “The mechanics …”

[Shula] “So a gentle reminder about being sensible …”

[Alistair] “Not getting carried away in the heat of the moment …”

So Alistair is tasked with (talking about) doing the deed.

Poor Daniel. That’s going to be quite embarrassing, really.

The truth about Catherine

Alan comes back in from work to find Usha asking him to sit down.

She’s been doing a bit of research on Falconwood (in-between getting her client a ‘not-guilty’ )

[Usha] “This is going to come as a shock Alan. It was a children’s home. But it was a secure home … I’m sorry Alan … I don’t think Katherine was simply taken into care”

[Alan] “What are you saying? That she might have committed a crime?”

Usha reckons (in her solicitor type way) that Catherine must have been found guilty of something, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she did the crime. Mistakes happen.

She suggests they look into old newspaper articles to see if they can out what happened.

[Alan] “I don’t want to learn about Katherine through some ancient press cuttings. I need to see Mabel”


Any guesses?

The Archers Monday 28th November 2011: Will’s a good boy sometimes

  • School nativity time
  • Helen’s isn’t as sticky out
  • Has Tony got enough spuds?
  • Second hand wedding outfits
  • Pat now can’t stop looking at Rich
  • “I’ve got better things to worry about than the state of my shorts”
  • Will’s a mum’s boy
  • Pat calls Sharon a cow

School nativity time

Jake’s in the choir (so doesn’t get a costume), but Mia is an angel.

Helen’s isn’t as sticky out

Helen’s bridesmaid’s dress seemingly is a “more sophisticated” shape than Mia’s.

Second hand wedding outfits

Nic’s mum is wearing duck egg blue. Seems it’s one she wore to one of their cousin’s wedding.
Clarrie asked Nic if she minded that her mum was wearing it for the second time (at her own daughter’s wedding), but Nic didn’t.

[Nic] “I won’t be offended if you don’t wear brand new, Clarrie”

[Clarrie, feeling sheepish] “The only suitable outfit I’ve got is the one I wore to William’s first wedding …”

[Nic, laughing] “Oh, I see!”

[Clarrie] “And I didn’t get that second hand … I didn’t show our William up”

But Clarrie does seem worried.

Has Tony got enough spuds?

Hope so.

Or he’d have to turn back the van to get more.

Pat now can’t stop looking at Rich

[Pat] “It’s just like looking at a teenage John”

[Tony] “I know you’re cock-a-hoop about this, but I’m still struggling to take it in ... it’s unnerved me, if I'm honest, which is why I can’t look anymore”

[Pat] “It’s not going to go away. You can’t stuff the genie back in the bottle”

[Tony] “What have we unleashed …”

After seeing Rich’s picture on Kylie’s Facebook, both Tony and Pat are now convinced that Rich is John’s son. He looks the same.

But, Tony doesn’t want to be rushed about calling Sharon.

[Tony] “Our whole lives have been turned upside down at a click of a mouse”

[Pat] “It’s a miracle …”

“I’ve got better things to worry about than the state of my shorts”

Brian’s in a right grump.

He shouts at Will for bothering him with detail about the shoot.

Will later says to Nic:

[Will] “He wants to be kept in the loop but he doesn’t want to know about the details”

And Brian then has a go at Jennifer for harassing him about what he wants to take with him on their holiday.

[Brian] “I’ve got better things to worry about than the state of my shorts!”

The Mart is have a pre-official-opening-sale-opening tomorrow. So he’s stressed.

Will’s a mum’s boy

[Nic] “Reading between the lines, I think your mum’s worried about letting you down at the wedding”

[Will] “Well, she wouldn’t know how!”

Nic tells Will that Clarrie is ashamed about buying dress from charity shop.

[Will] “Well, I’m not having that!”

And he gets straight on the phone to her.

[Will] “Mum, you and me are going shopping, to buy you a new outfit for the wedding … mum, shut up. It was you made me realise Nic's the right wife for me, I was so stuck in the past, without you there wouldn’t be a wedding. I want to treat you”

Good lad, Will.

He seems to have completely changed his tune lately … wonder if it’ll last?

Pat calls Sharon a cow

The wine’s open at Bridge Farm

[Pat] “At last we’ve got something to celebrate. Who’d have thought we’d actually be grateful to Sharon for something. Let’s drink tour son John and his son Rich”

But Tony still can’t look at the picture of Rich, and is still against phoning Sharon.

[Tony] “Actions have consequences. Mostly ones we don’t anticipate”

[Pat] “But that’s what’s so exciting. This world of possibilities has opened up to us, it’s like a blessing”

[Tony] “What will Sharon think after these years … out of the blue …. That’s enough to clear the path for your killer question? She may not want to roll over and play happy families. We didn’t exactly approve of her when she was with John. You called her a fortune hunter!”

[Pat] “I did, didn’t I. But that was so long ago”

Tony is terrified that Sharon will slam the phone down on Pat, and he’ll be left to “pick up the pieces” as he had to after John died.

[Pat] “Why do you have to be so negative? … this little boy … could bring us so much joy”

[Tony] “There you go again, building up your hopes”

But Pat is determined to try and find about him if they can.

[Tony] “He’s not missed out on anything. He’s got his life in Leeds, the only life he’s know. And we’re not a part of it.”

Tony tries again to reason. That Sharon might be biding her time to tell Rich about his dad.

[Tony] “It’s not our place to initiate contact and disrupt the boys’ life”

[Pat] “Rich has a family here as well. I can’t just sit on this. And if I don’t initiate this, who will? That woman has known all about this for 13 years and a dickie bird. Cow!”

[Tony] “Well if you talk to her like that, she really will slam the phone down on you! … it’s all about you,. Isn’t it. What about Tom and Helen … this could change their lives too. You’re so blinkered”

[Pat] “Yes, yes you’re right. I’m sorry. We must show the Rich’s picture, before we phone”

[Tony] “What about wanting my blessing?”

[Pat] “I’ll phone her without it, if I have to …”

So – Tony’s backed into a corner.

 He agrees that they need to talk to Tom and Helen before they do anything. Which they’ll do tomorrow – as Brenda’s away.

Poor Brenda.

She really isn't seen to be part of the Archer clan at all.

Wonder what’s happening with their engagement?

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

The Archers Sunday 27th November 2011: Pat reckons there’s no doubt … John had a son

  • Is there a fashion for sprouts on stalks?
  • Pat’s obsessed
  • Squealing not squabbling
  • Pat … pushy?
  • No Smoking zone around the weaners
  • First Sunday in advent
  • Neil stands up to Lynda
  • Lynda can squeeze in a lusty …
  • Was there a point to Neil’s keys?
  • Seeing is believing for Tony

Is there a fashion for sprouts on stalks?

Would seem so, going by Tony.

He’s a happy chappy as it saves him having to strip them off.

Pat’s obsessed (part 1)

Sharon’s number has been “burning a hole” in Pat’s pocket since she got it from Susan. But she hasn’t called her. Yet.

[Pat] “To think there could be a part of John living on in Rich, it’s so … oh, all the years I’ve yearned for him Tony, and now it’s so tantalising”

[Tony] “I knew this would happen, that this restlessness would overtake you, I’d have advised against asking Susan for the number in the first if you’d bothered to consult me”

[Pat] “Aren’t you in the least bit curious about him?”

[Tony] “No. No I’m not … I think it’s best all round if you tear it up and forget all about it, then we can just get on with our lives”

[Pat] “I can’t … I really would like to phone Sharon, at least that I’d, we’d, be one step nearer knowing either way, can’t you see that … think of it Tony, the reward …”

[Tony] “The heartache …”

[Pat] “This boy could be our own flesh and blood, our grandson”

[Tony] “Please love. You’ve got no idea where it could lead”

Squealing not squabbling

Susan thinks Neil’s pigs sound like they’ve never been fed.

But Neil is more than content.

[Neil] “I’m enjoying the peace and quiet too much … their squealing is music to my ears, believe me, compared to Brad and Chelsea squabbling”

Later on, Neil reckons he spends the worst two hours of his life when he’s left alone with the kids.
There were doors banging. Yelling. AND taunting.

[Neil] “They know I haven’t got any authority over them, you see”

Pat … pushy?


Susan is wondering (and worrying) if Pat has called Sharon. Neil doesn’t want to know nor cares.
Susan is worried that Sharon will be angry with her rather than Pat:

[Susan] “Pat has this way about her sometimes … pushy”

But Neil tells Susan to let it go.

Maybe he and Tony should get together to gang up on their womenfolk.

No Smoking zone around the weaners

Neil being unhappy about the Tracey plus brood invasion is going a tad too far for Susan.

He’s complaining that though Tracey claims she has money problems, she still seems to be able to afford fags.

[an indignant Neil] “She was smoking out her by the weaners yesterday, I’m not having that!”

[Susan] “She’s my little sister Neil, don't judge her”

First Sunday in advent


I agree with Lynda. That has come round fast.

It’ll soon be time for Jennifer to panic about being late with her Christmas cards, which makes me panic, though she’s always 2 weeks ahead of final posting (damn her!).

At St Stephens:

[Lynda] “Lead, Kindly Night, such a marvellous hymn”

Alan says it’s also Mabel’s favourite.

And wee Mia got to light the first candle.

[Alan] “’Cept I thought she was going to set fire to my surplus when she dropped the taper”

[Lynda] “Well at least you let her near a living flame and not a glostick … it make me feel all Christmassy”

And to top it all – the Christmas day service is back at St Stephens this year.


Neil stands up to Lynda

Lynda was asking Susan (and Tracey) to help her with the food for Christmas around the World.

[Lynda] “It could be a nice bonding experience for the pair of you, as sisters”

Nice try Lynda – but Neil steps in to say no. Quite firmly. He tells Lynda that Susan has enough to cope with.

[Lynda] “Gosh Susan, what an advocate … well you can see I had to try”

Once Lynda’s gone.

[Neil] “She’s got the sensitivity of a rhinoceros!”

Lynda can squeeze in a lusty …

… baritone.

Though I’m not sure she should have referred to Alan in that way to his face.

Lynda is planning to “hide the weaker acts in the middle” of the show.

(That’ll be Jim, then)

Though she is delighted that Mabel has offered (through Alan) to read a Jamaican poem. And Mabel has also offered to make gallons of Sorrel. Though it’ll be of the non-alcoholic variety.

Was there a point to Neil’s keys?

Neil left his keys at the bottom of the bell tower.

So Alan brought them back.

Did I miss the point of that?

Seeing is believing for Tony

Tony comes across Pat in the bedroom. On the laptop. Being very defensive that he caught her.

[Pat] “Can’t I have any privacy?”

[Tony] “It’s my bedroom too”

Pat fesses up that she’s been trying to find Kylie’s Facebook page.

[Pat] “If there’s a photograph of Rich out there, I’ve got to see it. I’ve got to know”

So Pat’s obsession has now extended to online stalking.

And Tony now joins in to help her look.

[Tony] “Your hand is shaking”

But they find Kylie quite quickly. She can’t have her privacy settings set very high as they’re able to see all of her photos.

They spot a family one. With her brother in it. And Tony even knows how to enlarge it so that they can see it properly.

(what’s Tony been doing online?)

[Pat] “Oh my god … look at him. He’s the exact image of John”

[Tony] “I can’t believe it …”

[Pat] “There’s no doubt Tony. John had a son!”

Double blimey!

Is he that like John, or is Pat and Tony seeing what they want to believe?

Monday, 28 November 2011

The Archers Friday 25th November 2011: Kathy has a word

  • The new yoghurt pot designs have arrived
  • Neil doesn’t want Tracey as a houseguest
  • Henry is starting to pull himself up on things
  • Kathy wants Pat to think

The new yoghurt pot designs have arrived

And Helen likes the style of them.

Seems they are “bold but not too flashy”.

[Pat] “I just liked the yoghurt pots the way they are”

Poor Pat.

Helen later tells Kathy that she feels Pat is “disengaged … like given up”.

So Kathy says she’ll go round to have a chat. Though she doesn’t mention to Helen that Pat’s ponderings are about far more than a yoghurt pot.

Neil doesn’t want Tracey as a houseguest

Neil reckons can’t Tracey and her kids can’t stay.

[Neil] “Honestly Susan, those children … I’m not sure I can stand many more days like yesterday”

But – the positive is that Tracey has agreed to look after their dad (and Gary).

So Susan is quite content to out up with the hassle at home, as it doesn’t mean she has to run two households.

Neil isn’t convinced.

[Neil] “She needs to get herself organised. Find herself somewhere closer to home”

Henry is starting to pull himself up on things


He’ll be trying to woo Emma’s Keira next!

Kathy wants Pat to think

[Kathy] “There are some scars that are never going to heal. And if you go poking around …”

Kathy asks Pat what Tony feels about her thinking that Sharon’s son might be John’s.

Pat reckons Tony is simply ambivalent.

[Pat] “And I can understand that. I mean John’s death was a terrible blow to him. Particularly as he and John had had this dreadful row beforehand, and they never had a chance to make their peace and the tractor … but if John has a son, it would mean a part of him lives on … the more I think about it the more convinced I am he must be”

[Kathy] “But you can’t know and if he isn’t you’ll have dug up all that ancient history, all that pain and suffering for nothing … think about it Pat”

Kathy tries to get Pat to think about how Helen and Tom will feel about all of this, as well as Tony.

But to no avail.

Pat later turns up at the Carters’ to ask for Sharon’s phone number.

Susan is unhappy about giving it – but does so. She’s worried Sharon and Kylie will blame her if they do get upset.

[Neil] “Sharon is quite capable of fighting her own corner, she’ll put Pat straight one way or the other .. you’ll not responsible for what Pat does”

Alrighty. Get set for round two – Pat Vs Sharon.

The Archers Thursday 24th November: Living with Tracey Horrobin

  • Who’s being had for dinner?
  • Tracey’s tired
  • David and Pip’s sense of “cute” don’t concur
  • Brian’s losing his mojo
  • David helps the Super Dairy plans
  • The Carters are a no smoking household
  • Susan gets a helper?

Who’s being had for dinner?

Not the young chap who is 543 kilos. He’s a “bit on the skinny side”.

[Pip] “Go on then. You live to eat another day”

The next is 557.5 kilos.

[Pip] “Sorry sunshine. You’re going to be Christmas dinner”

[David] “Quite a look of Christmas dinners that is!”

Tracey’s tired

[Tracey] “I am just so knackered. Honestly. I could just live here for the rest of the day”

Susan is not pleased at that. Seems Tracey’s kids, Brad and Chelsea, have been up since 6am. Susan reckons they’re a “bit over excited”, and tells Tracey that they’ve broken the standard lamp …

Tracey reckons it’s because they’re not used to the space.

[Tracey] “You’re so lucky having this great big house”

[Susan] “Luck had nothing to do with it!”

So not a great start to Tracey being a grateful house guest, then. Her kids don’t even take their shoes off when asked to by Susan.

David and Pip’s sense of “cute” don’t concur

They’re trying to choose steer for showing.

[David] “Good line. Nice hind quarters. That one’s got a prettier face … he’s very cute”

[Pip] “That’s a matter of opinion”

Pip reckons the “cute” steer does a “funny thing with his right foreleg”

Brian’s losing his mojo

So he thinks the BL Board thinks of him.

[Brian] “I’m accused of coming to the board with a half-baked plan that hadn’t been fully research … that’s a sign that I’m losing it … It’s all down to Adam. If he wasn’t so wretchedly intransient”

Adam better watch out.

Brian doesn’t take kindly to being put in the position of being seen to have lost his mojo.

David helps the Super Dairy plans

Fair play to David. He put his personal (and professional) opinions aside to put his NFU hat on.
He’s found a few local folks who’d be happy to supply Brian’s Super Dairy.

Including Pete Welks … Pip’s boyfriend’s dad. Oooh – that will surely spell trouble for Spencer and Pip …

Anyhoo, David has unwittingly given the Super Dairy new life. It means Brian can crack on with putting his plans properly together. Looks like his supply problems are solved.

The Carters are a no smoking household

After telling Susan that Den had blown his redundancy on a 50” telly and spent his days watching sport … she then tries to light up a cigarette in the house. Susan says to go outside, Neil will smell it later on if she continues inside, and Kylie also shouldn’t be smoking round the kids.

[Tracey] “Don’t lecture me Susan!”

[Susan] “Sorry, but this is my house!”


There were never such devoted sister.

Susan gets a helper?

Susan has to force Tracey round to their dad’s. Tracey claims she’s knackered (still), and that her kids need tea.

Susan isn’t having it.

[Susan] “Someone’s got to look after the pair of them, and I’ve been doing my best, I really have, but I’m holding down working two jobs and it’s really more than I can manage on my own”

[Tracey] “Susan, is it really that bad?”

[Susan] “Yes! And the least you can do while you’re staying here is to give me a hand”

I reckon Susan might win through this time.

Tracey is captive!

Ambridge Extra Thursday 24th November 2011: Ah Matt – we were so wrong to doubt you

  • Matt’s had a break-in
  • Clive’s had a break-in
  • What an odd accent that Policewoman had
  • An impoverished post-grad
  • Just as Clive is about to do a bunk
  • He’s a good chap, sometimes
  • Amy’s great-aunty died last week
  • Amy thought Daniel was … you know …
  • Amy Vs Clive Vs Alice
  • And the real Matt triumph

Matt’s had a break-in

Now that’s a surprise (!).

Matt gets a call from the site foreman to tell him all the metal has been stolen.

Lilian is straight on the button

[Lilian] “Hold on. This is Clive, isn’t it? Did you gave him another job … you did, didn’t you. I knew it!”

But Matt basically tells her to shush as he heads out to sort it.

Clive’s had a break-in

Someone’s broken into Clive’s rented lock-up and has stolen the stuff that he stole.

Oh, the irony.

Bernie is not happy. He has buyers lined up, and reckons Clive has made him look a fool.

Clive reckons they’ll catch up with the thieves when they try and move it on. But Bernie doesn’t sound so sure. And when he checks round, no-one has heard anything.

Then Matt calls him to check that he stole the metal fine, and to check when he’s getting his money.

Well, couldn’t have happened to a nicer bloke.

What an odd accent that Policewoman had

Scottish crossed with Yorkshire.

An impoverished post-grad

Is what Alice is.

She’s even struggling to buy herself a decent lunch.

[Lilian] “Oh darling, I hardly think a jacket potato is going to make a difference … you need to care of yourself though”

Just as Clive is about to do a bunk

He reckons he has mates in London he can stay with.

But, just as he’s about to grab a bag, Matt catches up with him.

He doesn’t believe Clive that the metal has been stolen.

Or, does he?

He’s a good chap, sometimes

As Clive is trying to wriggle out of Matt not believing the metal has been stolen, he claims that he’s never ripped Matt off before.

Matt doesn’t agree.

He mentions the second hand bathroom Clive passed off as new (and though had got away with).

Matt tells Clive he’s going to show the video to the Police. Clive tells Matt that he’ll bring him down with him.

So it comes down to who the Police will believe.

[Clive] “Why shouldn’t they (believe me)? You’re no better than me. You’ve done time an all”

[Matt] “Yeah but I’m not a cheap common thug am I. Or on parole.”

Clive panics. He tells Matt he’ll double – triple - the money if the Police aren’t involved.

[Clive] “Just don’t dob me in. You know what it’s like inside. I’ve spent half me life locked away. I can’t do another stretch. I’ll do whatever you want.”

[Matt] “Alright, I’ll make you a deal, I won’t grass you up just as long as you don’t get anywhere near Ambridge ever again … how’s that Clive? Do we have a deal?”


How we could ever have doubted Matt.

He had a plan all along to get rid of Clive.


Amy’s great-aunty died last week

That’s a shame.

It means her gran (the feisty Mabel Thompson) is the last of the sisters alive.

Amy thought Daniel was … you know … 

Alice was telling Amy about Daniel’s girlfriend (Well, she’s not really. She likes Alistair. And, well, Alistair seems to like her. All very complicated).

[Amy] “Girlfriend? Really? I always thought he might be …”


Might be what?

Guess we’ll never know what Amy was about to say. That bloomin’ Clive interrupted.

Amy Vs Clive Vs Alice

Another odd thing.

Clive stumbles into the pub that Alice and Amy are in. He seems already half cut, then spots Alice (as she was trying to hide from him).

[Clive] “Don’t walk away! Stuck up cow!”

[Amy] “Hey … be quiet please. Do you understand she doesn’t want to talk to you”

And it sounded like Amy pushed him over.

[Clive] “Crazy mare”

The odd bit was that Alice seemed annoyed at Amy. Though Amy was insistent that you have to:

[Amy] “tell folks like that where to do”

Was Alice just scared of what Clive will do now that they have offended him?

And the real Matt triumph

Was that he and Bernie stole the metal from Clive. Bernie sold it. And Matt’s share is £1,100. Plus the insurance money. And, of course, Clive now has to stay away from Ambridge.

[Matt] “I dealt with Clive in my own way pussycat …I promise., Clive Horrobin is out of our lives for good”

From the purring Lilian was making, it would seem Matt’s pretty perfect day didn’t just end there ... nudge nudge ...

The Archers Wednesday 23rd November: Jim leaves Christine …

  • … but he’ll be back for supper
  • Would you call your child Richard Richards?
  • Jim to sing for their suppers?
  • Just when Susan wishes she could get rid of her siblings …

… but he’ll be back for supper

As Jim helps Christine with the crossword, they both also sound a bit sad. They’re realising that their “arrangement” can now finish.

[Jim] “All good things must come to an end”

[Christine] “It’s been a real pleasure having you to stay. Not to mean, well, feeling safe”

[Jim] “But now that the egregious Mr Horrobin has departed …”

Clive hasn’t been seen in Ambridge for over a week. So, technically, Jim doesn’t need to stay to keep Christine sane and safe anymore.

Christine is still jumpy (she gets a real fright when the doorbell goes), so Jim reassures that he:

[Jim] “isn’t going to shift until she feels safe in her own home”

Christine later goes round to ask Susan if Clive has gone for good. Susan reckons so, as Clive was only given permission to be in Ambridge to see his mum. As Ivy has now departed, Clive has to stay away.

So, Jim leaves Christine.

But, they swap house keys.

And Jim will be back for supper.

I suppose they can continue to enjoy each other’s company while they live in different house, but wouldn’t it be nicer if they just made it official?

Would you call your child Richard Richards?

Pat’s asking Susan if she knows what Sharon’s married name is. She was Richard before, as Kylie still is, but Pat is obviously trying to work our Rich’s surname.

[Pat] “Would you call your child Richard Richards?”

[Susan] “It’s not unheard of. Neil used to sell pigs to an Evan Evans. Then there’s David Davis. Maybe it’s a Welsh thing. Although Sharon’s not Welsh is she, so maybe, I don’t know, although Eamon, that could be a Welsh name, or Irish …”

Blimey. That was quite a verbal ramble from Susan!

And if it is a Welsh thing, wouldn’t Pat be best placed to know? Or, did she forget about her nationality along with her accent?!?

Anyhoo – Pat asks Susan to ask Kylie, but Susan says ‘no’ as she’d feel too awkward. Neil must have got through to her.

Pat apologises for asking, and tells Susan to forget it.

Somehow don’t think neither Pat or Susan will forget this until they know for sure one way or another.

Jim to sing for their suppers?

[Jim] “Did you want something Lynda, or are you just being nosy?”

[Lynda] “Nosy? Me?”

[Jim] “I hear there’s a change of plan., My little recitation is to be delivered to an audience of diners as they pick their teeth and eructate between courses”

[Lynda] “I’m sure they’ll appreciate your performance all the more for being well fed Jim … I was just wondering, is there any change you could sing rather than recite?”

[Jim] “Sing? Me! In Latin? … would you like me to accompany myself on the lyre?”

Oh Jim, you are naughty. You got Lynda’s hopes up with that one.

(Seems Jim can’t actually play the lyre)

[Jim] “No Lynda, with me it’s recitation or nothing”

Just when Susan wishes she could get rid of her siblings …

… one of them comes crashing into her life.

[Susan to Neil] “You don’t know how lucky you are not to have brother or sisters. I wish I could wash my hands of the lot of them!”

Then the door goes.

It’s Tracey.

She’s left Den.

[Tracey] “The kids are in the car and we’ve got nowhere else to go. Can we come in!”

(that last bit was a demand rather than a question)

Susan really doesn’t have any luck at the moment.

The Archers Tuesday 22nd November 2011: Helen reckons it’s not all doom and gloom

(see …she still really has changed)

  • Helen will be going back to work
  • Jennifer’s off to the Maldives
  • The shop and cheese are doing fine
  • Helen – pretty in pink
  • Thomas Hardy nuptials?
  • “You can’t wear tweeds in the Maldives”
  • Will said no to James
  • Helen’s worried about Pat

Helen will be going back to work

In the New Year. She’s going to baby-share with another mum.

Jennifer’s off to the Maldives

Check her!

One assumes Brian is also going. One would also assume Tony won’t be amused – not enough money to help her brother, but enough to go whooping it up abroad.

Still, he might get some pleasure out of Jennifer struggling to find swimwear when the “shops are full of woollies”.

The shop and cheese are doing fine

Both of which are Helen’s side of the business (you hear that, Tom?).

Helen does find it laughable that folks will buy their unpasteurised cheese, but not their yoghurt.
But at least:

[Helen] “The concept of a farm shop in the middle of town hasn’t entirely lost its appeal, so it’s not all doom and gloom”

And it’s called Ambridge Organics. (Organics! Hear that Tom and Brenda’s brand expert mate).

Helen – pretty in pink

Or she will be if she can find the right dress as Nic’s bridesmaid.

[Nic] “A bit more Pippa Middleton. Only pink”

Lovely. (!)

Thomas Hardy nuptials?

Jennifer’s telling Brian that she doesn’t give Leonie and James six months together.

Seems she’s also not impressed by James’ offer to Will to take his and Nic’s wedding pictures.

In exchange for them being in the book, of course.

[Brian] “But James and Leonie think it’s going to be some rustic Thomas Hardy nuptials with wild flowers and country dancing … I can imagine those two importing a few hay bales and shepherds crooks to make it conform to their vision”

Thomas Hardy nuptials?

When did Brian ever ready a Thomas Hardy? I’d have thought Chris Ryan would have been more his style.

“You can’t wear tweeds in the Maldives”

Brian is horrified that Jennifer wants him to go shopping with her for their holidays.

(ah – so Brian does get to go).

[Jennifer] “You can’t wear tweeds in the Maldives”

Quite right.

But despite claiming he’s too busy with The Mart opening next week, and having to come up with a new plan for Super Dairy because of Adam being “transient”, it’s inevitable that Brian will have to bow down to Jennifer’s demands.

Shopping is one argument Jennifer will always win.

Will said no to James

Brave chap.

But Clarrie is very thankful indeed. If Will hasn’t said no, I think she’d have butted in and done it for him.

[Clarrie] “He (James) were a right pain bonfire night. He weren’t satisfied just to photograph what happened, on no, he had to organise everybody, you know, arrange them artistically. Tell them how to hold their sparklers”

Seems he had Tilly Button (Molly’s sister) in tears. He made her hold a baked potato until it burnt her fingers, and then she dropped it, so couldn’t even finally eat it.

(one assumes he was making her hold it to get the right shot, rather than trying to be sadistic).

[Will] “Vicky told him to stick his camera where the sun don’t shine”

James had been disappointed that Will was just wearing a suit to his wedding. He thought he should be wearing something more traditional. Which Clarrie and Will reckons would have meant a leather jerkin, gun, with his dogs to his heel.

[Clarrie] “Honestly he thinks we’re a bunch of yokels dancing round the maypole with bits of straw stuck in our hair”

[Will] “Well I think he’s a prat”

I think james and Leonie are going to struggle to get their book finished …

Helen’s worried about Pat

[Helen] “You tell her stuff but just nods and says ‘yes dear’ “

[Tony] “She’s tired. That’s all it is. She’ll get over it. Don’t worry love. She’ll be fine”

Tony obviously doesn’t want to tell Helen that Pat’s absent while she obsesses over whether John had a son.

That’ll be best talked through at the Christmas dinner table …

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 22nd November 2011: Erin declares for Alistair

  • What’s Erin playing at?
  • Actually, what’s Alistair playing at?
  • Clive. Signing ‘Bad to the Bone’. Badly
  • A poisoned budgie
  • A film or dogs eating curry?
  • Clive on the rob

What’s Erin playing at?

Daniel reckons she’s been avoiding him since they snogged last week.

Which sounds true enough, as they haven’t seen each other. But:

[Erin] “Come on Dan, don’t start freaking out on me now”

But he calms down when Erin says that she “can’t wait” to come over his tomorrow.

Which is a same on Daniel. As it sounds like Erin is more excited about shadowing Alistair than spending time with his son …

Actually, what’s Alistair playing at?

… as we know is the case when Alistair gets a text from Erin.

[Erin text] “Are we still on for tomorrow? Can’t wait to see you”

Alistair – to himself - Don’t flatter yourself Alistair. She can’t like you like that

This is getting quite bizarre.

Alistair then asks Daniel if Erin has been asking about her visits to them.

How creepy.

Alistair then decides that he’ll text something formal.

[Alistair text] “That’ll be fine”

This really makes for uncomfortable eavesdropping.

Clive. Signing ‘Bad to the Bone’. Badly

That’s all I have to say on that.

A poisoned budgie

[Erin] “It was funny. It wasn’t her budgie who needed treatment!”

Seems Erin and Alistair went on a home visit to a woman who has poisoned her budgie with chocolate chip cookies.

That’s not funny.

They should have removed that budgie without any further questions.

Poor budgie.

A film or dogs eating curry?

Erin chose to stay and talk to Alistair about a dog eating curry, rather than take Daniel up on his offer to watch a film in his room.

Alistair spots there’s a bit of tension, so leaves them to it (grudgingly so, I’m sure).

But Erin then makes to leave. She reckons she has stuff to do.

[Daniel] “No. I get it. It doesn’t matter. So will you be coming over gain. I mean to shadow my dad”

(oh how close to the truth was Daniel! This is not going to be a good thing for anyone).

Before Erin does leave, she snogs Daniel.

But later texts Alistair:

[Erin text] “Had a fab time with you today. Can’t stop thinking about when I can come over again. I’m free next Thursday. Text me back xx “

Alistair – to himself – oh no


I don’t think Alistair was too displeased about Erin’s text. He’d just finished talking to Daniel about how mature Erin was …

… course, this could all just be a mistake. Maybe Erin has just mistaken Alistair’s number for Daniel’s?

Probably not …

Clive on the rob

Clive has ‘stolen’ all of the metal from Matt’s house development.

He gets away without being spotted or chased, and once gets to the lock up calls Bernie.

All going to plan?

The Archers Monday 21st November 2011: Eddie and Clarrie’s 30th anniversary

  • Eddie actually appreciates Clarrie
  • Susan’s siblings let her down. Again
  • A typical Susan gaff
  • Pat upsets Susan
  • The Milk Processing company upsets Ruth

Eddie actually appreciates Clarrie

[Eddie] “You’d have never got through the last 30 years without a bucket full of patience!”

Clarrie and Eddie had agreed not to get each other presents. Eddie went ahead anyway, so Clarrie feels a bit sheepish that she hasn’t.

[Eddie] “You’re still here. That’s the only present I need”

Aw. Bless him.

Eddie gives Clarrie her “real” pearls that he got as a bargain.

[Eddie] “You can tell real pearls by rubbing them on your teeth”

[Clarrie] “Real pearls. They must have cost a fortune … this wasn’t some dodgy deal …”

[Eddie] “Ebay”

[Clarrie] “Never!”

[Eddie] “Lovely pearls for a lovely woman”

When they later on get to The Bull, they’re surprised by all their nearest and dearest already there, ready to party.

Actually, seems Joe’s been celebrating since lunchtime. Mike and Vicky have to sit either side, holding him up.

But not to worry. Clarrie is over the moon, especially as they put on Clarrie’s Song when she and Eddie walked in.

[Clarrie] “I can’t believe this. All these lovely people”

Susan’s siblings let her down. Again

Seems Keith and Stuart also did make her family meeting. Sot it was just her on her own. Again.
But. Susan says she’s determined that she won’t have all the responsibility of their dad (and Gary).

That’s fighting talk, that is.

A typical Susan gaff

Susan’s talking to Pat.

[Susan] “You’re not coming down the bull tonight? … but the boys have uninvited all their … friends”


When Susan got to the word “friends”, she realised that Tony and Pat probably hadn’t been invited in the first place ….

Pat upsets Susan

[Pat to Susan] “I think there’s a distinct possibility that he might … that John might be his father”

[Susan] “No no no. Eamon is his dad, Sharon’s husband …”

But Susan does admit that she had just assumed that Eamon was Rich’s dad.

However, Susan doesn’t want to be involved. She doesn’t want to upset anyone, especially considering Kylie said that Eamon has been a father to them both.

Later on, Susan slightly changes her tune. She tells Neil what Pat had said (swearing him to secrecy) and also starts speculating.

[Susan] “The fact is Neil, it could very well be true, if you work out the dates”

Susan now wants to call Kylie to find out when Sharon and Eamon got together.

But Neil tells her not to call. He reckons Kylie is bright and will work it out.

Oh dear. Thus isn’t going to be an easy one to work out without someone somewhere getting upset.

The Milk Processing company upsets Ruth

It’s a ‘no;’ to Brookfield from the Milk processing company. They say they can’t take on any more suppliers - which irritates David as they must have known that before they asked Brookfield to pitch.

But, at least they’re ‘on file’.

[Ruth] “ I just spent a couple of days in foolish optimism”

Uh-oh. We don’t need a depressed Ruth considering the forthcoming ‘David killed Nigel’ anniversary …

But Eddie tries to cheer them. He reckons they’re better off without supermarkets.

[Eddie] “Too many farmers talking the supermarket shilling then being cut off at the knees”

After all. Look at what happened to Tom.

The Archers Sunday 20th November 2011: Stir-up Sunday

(with the Grundys rather than the Archers)

  • You can’t even use the kids as an excuse
  • It’s Eddie and Clarrie’s 30th tomorrow
  • Stir-Up Sunday with the Grundys
  • Tony thinks Pat is mad

You can’t even use the kids as an excuse

Lynda really has thought of a way to kibosh every possible excuse anyone could give for not going to Christmas around the World.

Will was caught out.

[Will] “There didn’t seem to be much in it for the kids”

[Lynda] “I know, which is why … I recognised rather later in the day that my original concept was somewhat lacking in appeal so I’ve had a radical rethink, and I think you’ll find this version infinitely to your … taste … quite, because it’s going to be a feast … of food …interspersed with morsels of entertainment”

Will seemed to perk up at the sound of food. Especially as it’s the lovely Ian who will be cooking it.

Later, Lynda corners Pat and Tony to ask them for cheese (at cost, not free).

But – December 28th might clash with Will’s stag night.

Aw. That would be a shame.

It’s Eddie and Clarrie’s 30th tomorrow

And they’re off round The Bull.

But – they don’t know that Nic and Will have plans for them …

Stir-Up Sunday with the Grundys

Stir-up Sunday has generally been an Archer thing.

But I suppose we’re being tuned into eavesdrop on the Grundys as the Archer’s is now about our last memory of Phil.

So, we get to hear Clarrie, Nic, Mia, Jake and George (to a background of Jingle Bell Rocks).

But it’s all new to Nic.

[Nic] “Didn’t you say it was something to do with the church?”

[Jake] “Do they have Christmas pudding in the bible?”

[Clarrie] “No darling, it’s just the collect for this Sunday, ‘Stir up, we beseech thee, O Lord, the wills of thy faithful people’ … then some children go hold of it, so Jill told me … ‘stir up, we beseech thee, the pudding in the pot, and when we get home we’ll eat the lot’ ”

This then started the kids on Shepherds washing their sock by night …

[Mia] “why didn’t their mummy put them in the washing machine?”

Tony thinks Pat is mad

Pat is still being distant with Tony.

He thinks it’s about the rebranding. Pat is just about to tell him, but Lynda interrupts while on her Christmas around the World mission to get local produce.

Later on:

[Pat] “It’s something Susan said … you know Kylie came to Ivy’s funeral … she stayed with Susan … she told me Kylie has a brother, Sharon’s son, and he's 13, which means he was born in 1998”

[Tony] “So?”

[Pat] “Oh Tony! Think about it. What if … I think he might be John’s son”

[Tony] “What? John’s Son? No, that’s impossible … surely this boy is her husband’s child”

[Pat] “Look at the dates”

[Tony] “This madness. Please Pat”

As Pat explains, Hayley spilt up with John just before Christmas 1997, because she caught John and Sharon In flagrante delicto.

Tony maintains that it can’t be so. Sharon was at John’s funeral in March, and she didn’t look  pregnant. He reckons Sharon would have said something.

[Pat] “We didn’t exactly open her with open arms. It’s perfectly possible”

[Tony] “Many things are possible but it’s highly unlikely. I really don't think you should pursue it any further. It’s bound to end in disappointment.”

[Pat] “John could have a son!”

[Tony] “I just don’t think you should revisit all that. John’s death. Well, what it did to you”

[Pat] “This isn't about John’s death.”

[Tony] “It’s about John, isn’t it, you so want it to be true. Oh Pat, for your own piece of mind, let it go”

Difficult one.

Pat is basing a lot on nothing – and Tony is quite right that this could drag her back into being depressed.

But, if there’s even a slight chance, surely they should at least ask?

Or, should they keep quiet, considering Sharon hasn’t thought to tell them anything herself?

Saturday, 19 November 2011

The Archers Friday 18th November 2011: Pat does sums with Kathy

  • David says no to Brian
  • Lynda’s busy changing her plans
  • Brian’s worried about public opinion
  • Borchester already has its Christmas lights up
  • Pat reveals her theory about John’s son
  • Bert came 5th at Lakey Hill
  • Ruth’s making pizza
  • Brookfield gets a foot in the door

David says no to Brian

David’s on his way out to tell Brian that Brookfield won’t be supplying crop for the Super Dairy.

[Ruth] “What, that we’re not going to grow crops for his cynical, disgusting, immoral, intensive dairy unit!”

[David] “Well, I’ll probably out it a bit more tactful than that”

[Ruth] “He won’t respect you for it”

When David tells Brian, he does go gentle. He tells Brian that they don’t want to be tied to a long term contract, as well as their commitment to their way of dairy farming.

It was probably better David told Brian rather than Ruth – especially as he is NFU president.

Brian’s worried about public opinion

Brian always has his eye on PR – though it’s more out of ensuring profitability than giving a damn about what people think of him.

[Brian] “Our main is the strength of any local opposition. There’s so much hysterical nonsense being peddled in the media these day … bionic farms, Frankenstein cows you know the sort of thing”

David reckons there are also “reasoned arguments” against Super Dairies, but Brian isn’t interested in those debates. He asks David to sound out opinion of NFU members.

[David] “I think you’re right. You could end up with a fight on your hands”

I’ve said it before – but wait until Lynda hears about this one! Fury and posters, methinks.

Lynda’s busy changing her plans

Well, her “masterplan”, in Lynda’s own words.

She’s working out the food for Christmas around the World – which is set to take play on 28th December.

Four courses (starter, main, pudding and cheese), which will be serves as bite sized portions between the stage entertainment. When nothing is happening on the stage, they’ll play CDs of carols from around the world.

Lynda has roped Kathy in to help make the food (they’ll pre-done a lot of it and freeze it), and is also trying to track down Freda.

Lynda will be kept extra busy with having to change all the advertising and publicity for the show.
Here’s hoping it all shifts a few more tickets.

Borchester already has its Christmas lights up

Seems Nic and Will’s kids were off to see them.

And Ambridge’s will also be up soon.


Far too early, in my humble opinion.

Pat reveals her theory about John’s son

Or, who she thinks is John’s son.

She’s round to see Kathy. Seems she can’t cope just mulling it all round in her own head.

[Pat] “You’ll think this is totally crazy. It started because I went to Ivy Horrobin’s funeral. You know Sharon’s daughter, Sharon Richards … well, you know she came down for the funeral … well, apparently she’s got a younger brother …

“the boy’s called Rich, he's a teenager … this is the crazy bit … do you remember in 1997, a few months before John does, Sharon came back to the village, she didn’t waste any time of course, she and John had a fling”

[Kathy] “Yes, while he was supposed to be going out with Hayley”

[Pat] “Well, according to Susan, Rich is 13 now, and Sharon moved away again after Christmas that year, so if you do the sums … I don’t know, but according to the dates, it’s just possible this boy could be John’s son”

[Kathy] “Oh Pat, but why … the boy must be Eamonn’s. You’re no reason at all to think he might be John’s”

[Pat] “Yeah, I suppose you’re right, and as said it’s all pretty mad”

[Kathy] “It is a crazy idea. It’s so unlikely. The best thing you can do is forget all about it”

[Pat] “Yes. You’re right. I must”

So Kathy gives Pat more wine, and tells her about how Jamie has just done his maths resit and is working really hard again at his school work. That’s why he’s been so quiet.

But Pat isn’t listening. Nor is she interested in Kathy having seen a “perky” Harry back in the village, after his visit to Poland to see Zofia.

[Kathy] “You can’t let it go, can you? … so let’s go through it again. Calmly and rationally”

[Pat] “The dates do work out Kathy,. That’s the trouble”

[Kathy] “So let’s say, for the sake of argument, in their there’s a chance it could be John’s … but far far more likely to be Eamonn’s … so why even think about it. It’s not going to lead anywhere. Only to place you don’t want to go”

[Pat] “You’re absolutely right. It’s a ridiculous idea … on someone who prides themselves on being clear headed and logical, it’s all rather sad and pathetic isn’t it .. thanks Lathy, I do feel much clearer about it now”

How many of us think that will be the last we’ll be hearing of Pat’s theory?

Bert came 5th at Lakey Hill

Seems something went wrong with his tractor.

Poor Bert.

Ruth’s making pizza


Brookfield gets a foot in the door

Ruth has finally made progress in Brookfield trying to secure a direct contract for their milk.

A Dairy processor has asked them to pitch.

[Ruth] “We’ve got a fantastic product. How can they possibly turn us down?”

I wonder. If they don’t get a milk contract soon, will Brian’s offer for Brookfield to supply the Super Dairy will become more attractive … actually, could become a necessity.

Friday, 18 November 2011

The Archers Thursday 17th November 2011: Pat is very ponderous

  • Susan’s caught in the act
  • Organics isn’t a selling point these days
  • Pat isn’t listening … but she is interested in Kylie

Susan’s caught in the act

She’s still doing Bert and Gary’s washing.

Neil is not a happy chappy.

[Neil] “You can’t do it all. You can’t run two household and work full time”

[Susan] “Gary would just sit there with dad by the telly eating chips while the dirty plates and the washing piled up around them”

Neil reckons it should be the whole family helping out.

[Susan] “I know it’s not fair. I don’t want to be stuck with all this. I am getting tired and wish they’d help out … I wish mum were still here … you’re right, I can’t go on like this. Not for much longer”

So Susan calls a family meeting. She doesn’t have very high hopes though. Tracey has got wee kids, and troubles with her Den. Seems Keith wife is difficult. Stuart is not dependable. And she can’t ask Clive. They haven’t spoken since Ivy’s funeral.

Only Keith and Stuart will be attending the family meeting. Seems Tracey really is in crisis mode with her partner.

[Neil] “You’ll be lucky to get much change out of Keith and Stuart”

Organics isn’t a selling point these days

So says the rebranding expert Tom and Brenda have met with.

Seems this chap was entirely “behind” Bridge Farm rebranding, but …

[Tom] “Do it properly … he did have one small reservation”

[Brenda] “Actually, it’s quite a big one Tom”

The chap said that organics isn’t a selling point these days. It would seem there’s a stronger market for “locally sourced food”.

[Pat] “We’re an organic farm. If we can’t put that on our products we might as well pack it all in and retire!”

But the compromise is to still rebrand as Ambridge Organics – but “major” on the Ambridge, with Organics in a smaller font down below.

[Tony] “This is marketing. They play by different rules. It’s a fair compromise”

Pat doesn’t sound convinced. Especially as it’ll take until end of January to do all of the rebranding work.

(actually, I think that’s quite quick)

[Pat] “So, there goes Ambridge Organics Christmas Pud ice cream”

Later on:

[Tony] “I know it’s a bit depressing for us”

But Pat is going to make a small batch of Christmas pud ice cream anyway, and sell it through the shop.

[Pat] “A last hurrah for the Bridge Farm brand … I suppose there are more important things in life than which font size we use”

Hmmm. I wonder what Pat could be referring to …


It’s a bit odd that Brenda and Tom are ploughing on because of one bloke’s say-so.

And odder still that Tony is accepting all of this so easily.

Pat isn’t listening … but she is interested in Kylie

Tony was wittering on to Pat about rebranding, David and Ruth’s plans for their milk, and other such topical Ambridge happenings. But Pat wasn’t listening. She was miles away.

Pat does show more attention to Susan. And mentions Kylie first chance she can.

[Pat] “She doesn’t seem to have picked up many of her dad’s genetics … and she’d inherited the best of Sharon’s looks too … I wonder if her brother looks at all like her?”

Ah – so do we understand from that wee exchange that Pat is increasingly thinking that Kylie could be John’s daughter?

When she’s later again vague as Tony is trying to talk to her, she nearly tells him what’s on her mind … but stops short of doing so.

Ah. This is nicely simmering away. Hope it isn’t squib that’ll be served.

Ambridge Extra Thursday 17th November 2011: Alistair and Erin … odd

  • Clive’s plans gang aft agley
  • What did Matt get in the post?
  • Hope Daphne the cat was okay
  • It’s all inappropriate, Alistair
  • Lilian ready to call the Police

Clive’s plans gang aft agley

Clive needs to be on site at Matt’s development if he’s going to be able to steal the metal. Matt knows about it, but has distanced himself to the point where Clive is very much on his own. Matt just wants the cash at the end.

So Clive is panicked when he’s laid off from the job. There isn’t enough work for him. How will he steal the metal if he doesn't work there?

Am I being thick? Couldn't Clive just break in? As per?

What did Matt get in the post?

He was very cagey about it.

He tried to get to the post first, but Lilian beat him to it. She thought it might be a present for her Christmas, but Matt claimed it was “kit” for the office. A webcam for video conferencing. Even though they never do video conferencing.

What’s he up to now?

Hope Daphne the cat was okay

Seems so. Alistair seemed to be quite happy with her progress.

It’s all inappropriate, Alistair

What on earth is Alistair thinking about? Though we can hear his thoughts (still don’t understand how that works), it really doesn’t make any sense.

He’s early awaiting Erin turning up at his surgery. She’s still shadowing him.

Alistair – to himself - Is that her? She is stunning

(hmmm …)

Erin then stroked Alistair by mistake. Ones hopes it was just his hand – she was aiming for the cat.

(hmmm …)

Erin also wants to make her shadowing it a regular thing.

(hmmm …)

Erin starts talking to Alistair about Daniel,

[Erin] “He’s very shy, isn’t he? Quiet. He’s not had many girlfriends, has ne? He’s just not like other lads I know … he’s just really different”

Which Erin reckons is a good thing. Kind of.

[Alistair] “Look I know I’m obviously biased, Daniel’s a special boy. He’s kind. Thoughtful. I’m really proud of him”

And then (there’s more!) Erin starts opening up to Alistair. Telling him about her home life, how her dad left when she was wee, and the like.

Alistair – to himself - Why is she telling me this. She’s lovely, but this feels like too much 

(eh? Does Alistair think she’s cracking onto him?)

[Erin] “It’s funny. I suppose I’ve always felt an adult, even when I was little”

(hmmm …)

Alistair – to himself - maybe she just wants to talk. This isn’t appropriate. I can’t be her confidant.

(why not? Does he just want to be physical? Or, is it because she’s kind-of Daniel’s girlfriend?)

[Erin] “You know, you’re a lot Dan. At least you’ve got similar eyes. They are the same gorgeous blue”

Alistair - to himself - okay that’s crossed the line

(what? The she though Alistair was Daniel’s biological dad, which he tells her he isn’t, or that she called his eyes “gorgeous?”)

After telling Erin that he adopted Daniel.

[Erin] “That makes a lot of sense … you’re so much more …”

Alistair – to himself – what?

But Erin does say what Alistair is “so much more”

I’m confused.

What’s Alistair thinking? Is he wrestling with the fact that Erin is a young lass, and going out with his son – so off limits. Or, is he attracted but worried that Erin feels the same, and is worried about something happening? Does he want something to happen?

Lilian ready to call the Police

After trying to call matt without success (doesn’t Clive ever take a hint?), he turns up at the Dower House.

Lilian is not amused.

[Lilian] “Matt … you get him out of here know you shouldn’t be here … are you going to get rid of him. Matt, I’ve had enough of him.”

Matt takes Clive outside, and tells him where to sling it. Clive wants Matt to get him his job back at the site. But Matt isn’t interested.

[Matt] “I’ve got to sort Lilian out now, and it’s not just her who doesn’t want you around”

When Matt gets back in, Lilian is ready to call the Police. Clive is hanging around on is mobile to someone.

[Lilian] “He needs permission … what if he comes back, or goes on a rampage round the village?”

She won’t even let Matt leave the house. If he does, she will call the Police on Clive.

[Lilian] “You may think you’re honouring some ex convict’s code …”

[Matt] “You have to let me deal with this in my own way. I wouldn’t let anything happen to you. I promise, pussycat, I’ve got it under control”

Methinks Matt speaks too soon. Clive was already on the phone trying to work out how he can get all of the metal on his own. Dodgy. Trouble surely is ahead.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

The Archers Wednesday 16th November 2011: Ruth says nooooooooo

  • Grundy cider (courtesy of Oliver)
  • ‘Genuine’ pearl necklace for 30 years married
  • Not the holly, again
  • Ruth’s a proper farmer, unlike Brian
  • Deck The Halls (without Nigel)
  • A pony!?!
  • Funerals online
  • Ruth speaks to a real live buyer

Grundy cider (courtesy of Oliver)

Eddie and Joe are collecting apples from Oliver’s orchard for their cider.

Seems not many other folks have joined in.

Jim turns up eventually. As does David.

Hardly the community project Jim envisaged, but it is a start.

And Eddie reckons it will be a vintage year, with them collecting grand looking apples.

[Joe] “Course in my dad’s day they had a wheel”

[Jim] “A cider wheel? … I suppose a garden shredder doesn’t have the same romance about it”

[Joe] “Does the job”

‘Genuine’ pearl necklace for 30 years married

It’s Eddie and Clarrie’s 30th anniversary on November 21st.

So Eddie wants to get Clarrie a proper nice gift.

A pearl necklace.

[Jim] “The ancient Greek symbol of love and devotion”

[Joe] “She’s going to love that. Well done Eddie”

But … in true Eddie style … he reckons he got a “bargain” and he mentioned the word “genuine”.

So, it’ll either be glass or stolen. Odds on.

Not the holly, again

As they were collecting apples, Eddie pointed out a nice sprig to Joe. And mentioned that they’d better get themselves ready for selling holly again.


Won’t there still be a long list of customers not entirely amused with Joe’s holly growing kits?

Ruth’s a proper farmer, unlike Brian

David talks to Ruth about Brian’s plans for a Super Dairy.

Ruth is not happy.

Ruth starts to rant.

[Ruth] “1500 cows, with no grass at all, stuck up there in a shed all of their lives … we’ll have a whopping great dairy unit shoved right on our doorsteps … that’s just so Brian. He’s such a total hypocrite. He’s never been a dairy farmer, all he cares about is turning in a quick profit … it’s a terrible idea; it goes against everything we’ve been working and for over the last twenty odd years and Brian knows that to. And he has the nerve to come here and start crowing about it to you”

[David] “Me as NFU Chair …”

[Ruth] “Same difference. He ‘d know perfectly well how you’d feel about it personally”

But wait Ruth. There’s worse to come.

[David] “Listen. There was another reason why he’s come to us now ...well, I’ve got a feeling you’re not going to like but I did say I’d ask, so … Brian says that if the scheme goes ahead, if right, then BL would be looking for local suppliers … to grow feed crops for their cows”

[Ruth] “What? You mean …”

[David] “He wants to know if we might be interested”

[Ruth] “David, but, how could you even ask … well you know the answer, of course we’re not doing it. No. I hate the whole idea and I don’t have any part of it”

[David] “Alright, so it’s not our kind of faming of course …”

[Ruth] “It’s not proper farming at all, it’s an industrial business …”

[David] “But, think about it for a moment. They would be offering us a long term contract for our crops at a guaranteed price. Can we afford to turn down an offer like that?”

[Ruth] “I don’t care what the deal is …”

[David] “Really? When we need all the help we can get for our milk”

[Ruth] “Not that way. I’m not doing it David, I’m surprised you’ve even considered it. You should have turned him down flat”

[David] “Alright, you made your point, there’s no need to bite my head off”

And David storms off in a huff.

They later on make it up. And David admits he’s quite relieved that she’s out her foot down for him.

Deck The Halls (without Nigel)

That’ll be a strange one. Nigel’s charmingly childish delight always made it such a highlight.

A pony!?!

Blimey – looks like the recession has never touched Elizabeth.

It’s nearly the twins’ 12th birthday.

She’s talking to Shula about what to get Freddie. He’s seemingly really hard to buy for.

In fact, neither Lily nor Freddie have made much out of their forthcoming birthday.

It’ll be the first without their dad.

So, Shula suggests buying Freddie a pony.

And, just like that, Elizabeth reckons it’s a great idea. No mention of how can they afford it. No mention of how she can work out something as spectacular for Lily.

My. How the other half live.

Elizabeth then tells Lily about Freddie’s pony, but swears her to secrecy.

(can twins keep secrets from each other? And why on earth did Elizabeth tell her in the first place?)

Luckily for Elizabeth, Lily then suggests her own birthday present.

She wants to go on her school trip to France.

Which is fine by Elizabeth.

Seriously – is there a way I can get Elizabeth to adopt me? She’s loaded!

Then again, it might just be her burning her way through Nigel’s insurance money … actually … did they look into how much he was worth when he died?

Funerals online

Not really.

They’re just getting the promotion of the green burial site sorted online. They’re also doing flyers.

Ruth speaks to a real live buyer

Which was a shock for her, after not getting through to any real ones for a fair while now. And what’s more:

[Ruth] “He seem surprised to be talking to a real life farmer”

What’s more, he seemed quite interested in Brookfield’s product.

[Ruth] “At least we’re getting somewhere at last. This could be the breakthrough we’ve been waiting for”

And at least it doesn’t involve Brian or a Super Diary.

Fingers crossed.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

The Archers Tuesday 15th November 2011: Today went Super Dairy, Badger, Wedding Dress, Super Dairy

(well, not entirely, but more or less)

  • Super Dairy
  • Milking is worse than a parent’s evening?
  • Ruth’s been trying to get a milk contract
  • Badger
  • Wedding Dress
  • Super Dairy

Super Dairy

Brian is round seeing David.

He tells him about his and Debbie’s plans for a Super Dairy.

David isn’t impressed.

[David] “Never get to see a blade of grass in their lives”

But, as NFU President, David has to put it to the local chapter and see what everyone else thinks. Regardless of his own opinion.

However – Brian also has a proposition for Brookfield.

He asks if Brookfield will grow feed for the Super Dairy.


Milking is worse than a parent’s evening?

According to David.

He reckons he drew the short straw by being left to do the milking as Ruth goes off to a parent’s evening.

Each to their own.

Ruth’s been trying to get a milk contract

So she and Pip won the argument about supplying direct. Though Ruth is finding it far from easy – she hasn’t as yet managed to get one on the phone.


Joe’s not convinced about badger vaccination (Ed and Oliver’s plan). He reckons they don’t even have a vaccination that works yet.

[Joe] “In my day badgers had a natural immunity”

Joe reckons that modern faming is to blame . That cows are:

[Joe] “stressed and pushed to get every last drop out of them”

Will does not concur.

[Will] “There’s too many TB and too many badgers”

So Will wants to cull. As does David.

But Brian reckons that vaccination is worth a try. Which would seem surprising, until he clarifies that he reckons a cull would be bad PR (that’s more like Brian).

Wedding Dress

It’s decision time for Nic.

While Will goes off down the pub, Clarrie comes round to look at wedding dresses.

Nic has already decided (with Will) that they’ll go to the Cape Verde Islands. Will’s been sent to the pub to look at hotels.

And she also finds her wedding dress online.

So all’s going to plan then.

Emma will be pleased …

Super Dairy

Back talking to Brian, David repeats what he said to Debbie – that though they may have 15,000 cows, Americans will have 30,000. So Americans will win in the ‘world market’. And all Brian will achieve is to push up local milk prices.

[David] “All I want is to be paid a sensible price for out milk. Which price, is already way down the bottom of the European league”

Brian reckons that’s because of infighting – that wee milk producers like David don’t show a united front.

And Brian asks David again to be a supplier for the Super Dairy.

It’s a long term contract at guaranteed prices. Which Brian is quite right in saying would make a big difference to Brookfield.

David says yes …

… to talking to Ruth about it.


Considering Ruth has been stressed about Brookfield’s lack of profitability – she might actually say yes.

Or, will their principles win through?

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 15th November 2011: Daniel nearly becomes a man

  • The French Lieutenant's Woman
  • Not a special birthday
  • That Erin is a bit of a …
  • Matt’s a one-man Clive cheerleader
  • Daniel’s big moment!
  • Matt doesn’t want to be seen with Clive
  • Nope. No moment for Daniel
  • Alistair texting Erin

The French Lieutenant's Woman

Is what Daniel’s studying for English.

[Daniel] “Notions of destiny, identity and freewill”

He may be a bit odd, but sounds like Daniel isn’t dim.

Unless he was writing straight from York’s Notes …

Not a special birthday

Seems Erin looked “hot” at Daniel’s birthday. She was wearing shorts (in this weather! … is what my gran would have said). But Daniel was left wishing he’d “done something”, especially as he thinks she might have wanted him to.

He reckons he’s blown it.

Later on, Erin tells him she wishes his birthday had gone a bit long.

So technically, Daniel did make a hash of it.

But not to worry. Erin takes charge.

That Erin is a bit of a …

… confident young lady who knows what she wants.

Good on her.

She invites Daniel round to hers, as her mum is out. So they can have the place to themselves.

Daniel thinks to himself that he might not have blown it at his birthday.

Ya think, Daniel?

Maybe he’s just academically not dim …

Matt’s a one-man Clive cheerleader

Lilian’s laying it on thick about how awful Clive has been since Ivy died.

[Lilian] “I’m not sure what’s worse, then he talked his poor father into giving them or he tried to pass them off to poor Kylie … if he’s prepared to do that to his own family.

“At least someone’s got the courage send Clive packing … and his sister of all people!

“Don’t you see? You’re the only one who wants anything to do with him!”

But Matt isn’t listening. He leaves rather than to suffer anymore of Lilian’s (quite right and reasonable) chat about Clive.

Matt isn’t exactly Clive’s best friend, but he does know he can turn Clive’s talent for being one step adrift of the law to his own advantage.

Daniel’s big moment!

At Erin’s, she tells Daniel where to sit, then squeezes in next to him.

Daniel – to himself - say something

[Daniel] “I like your wallpaper”

Daniel – to himself - wallpaper, what are you talking about!

Erin then tells him she wanted his birthday to go on longer. Then she tucks her feet under his legs.

They start play fighting,

Daniel – to himself - go on, do it … I can smell her skin

But Erin has to spell it out. She’s telling Daniel about her friends talking about him.

[Erin] “They want to know what you’re like. So do I. Well. Are you going to kiss me or not?”

[Daniel] “Yeah. Well. Sorry”

[Erin] “Come here!”

And then – and I kid you not – the background music rises into a crescendo.


As if it wasn’t uncomfortable enough listening to two teens getting ‘close’.

Matt doesn’t want to be seen with Clive

Clive’s been trying to get the metal out of the house Matt’s been doing up.

But there’s other workmen around.

And while he has a truck, he can’t get a lockup.

And, the job is also happening too fast for him to sort himself out.

[Clive] “We have to talk. You need to slow things down”

Matt tells him to shut his mouth.

[Matt] “Whatever you need to do, just do it. I don’t want to know. I don’t want us seen talking”

Then Matt tells Clive he knows about Ivy’s rings, and how he basically stole them.

[Matt] “if you can do that to your old dad, you can do this”

That’s him told.

Nope. No moment for Daniel

Daniel – to himself – is this right? … I’m not sure … perhaps I’m supposed to … s’aright, close your eyes … not sure if she’s expecting me to … woah, okay, maybe she does … great legs … come on, just go with it … move your hands a bit higher … okay, maybe a bit more

Erin stops him, but it’s only because Daniel is leaning on her. She asks him to put his hand back where it was and to stop apologising so much. – leaning on her, wants his hand back – stop apologising

Daniel – to himself - okay, so this could be it, it’ll be fine

But alas – they hear the door slam. It’s probably Erin’s mum.

[Erin] “Quick. Do your shirt back up”

Daniel then (rather ungallantly) suggests they drive somewhere to carry on.

That’ll be his trousers speaking.

[Daniel] “Just as long as. Was that okay?”

[Erin] “Yeah, yeah of course. That was lovely”

Never mind Daniel.

I’m sure Erin will lead you through it all again soon

Alistair texting Erin

That's just wrong.