The Archers Wednesday 6th April 2011: It’s a Grundy girl!

click the 'read more' link below the bullet points to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

• Emma’s in a flap
• I said free crisps were trouble
• Susan would choose the Post Office over her daughter?
• Kenton can correctly identify tulips
• It’s alright. Ed knows how to deliver a calf
• Fallon and Jolene eat at 5.30pm
• Jolene puts Jamie right
• “No more about the pasture dumper!”
• “She’s so perfect”

Emma’s in a flap

Emma phones Ed in a panic.

She reckons the baby is coming.

Buckle up peeps … it’s new Grundy time! And just the day before George’s birthday (which is tomorrow), but after April Fools.

Looks like Emma got her wish.



I said free crisps were trouble

Jolene’s worried about Jamie. He’s out all night, misses his tea, and was seen by Fallon to sneak a sandwich and a packet of crisps up to his room in place of proper nourishment.

[Jolene] “If anything happened to Jamie while I was looking after him, Kathy would never forgive me. Well, I would never forgive myself.”

Kenton offers to have a word, but Jolene politely refuses. That would just make matters worse, and she’s more than capable of wrestling grown, drunk men, let alone a stroppy wee teenage lad …



Susan would choose the Post Office over her daughter?

What on earth was going on?

Clarrie was nowhere to be found by phone (which is fair do – the woman does have a life of her own, sometimes. Even though she did actually have George with her, so not quite ‘me’ time).

But when Ed arrived to find Emma quite indeed in labour, she told him not to disturb Susan because she was at the Post Office.

Eh?

Is Susan that far gone about her precious Post Office that she’d rather make sure the stamps were being sold properly than rush to her daughter’s side? While her daughter is giving birth???

Odd.

Very, very odd.

Reckon Clive is out and has her hostage?



Kenton can correctly identify tulips

Good man.

[Jolene] “Infact, you’re absolutely invaluable”

(to be fair – Jolene said that after she’d also pointed out he was good to talk problems through with. Just imagine what she’ll say when he dispenses the rest of his personal services …)



It’s alright. Ed knows how to deliver a calf

(at the hospital)

[Ed] “Is there anything I can do Em?”

[Emma] “Get it up and have it for me!”

Despite Ed being used to helping heifers give birth (sorry, Em!), he was quite useless tonight.

Asking how much longer.

Saying how awful it all was.

You could actually hear the man wringing his hands!

Tell you what – if that’s how he acts when his cows give birth, it’s no wonder he ends up with so many bull calves.

The cows do it out of spite.



Fallon and Jolene eat at 5.30pm

Crikey!

I thought that was just kids and older folks.

But then, as Jolene said, they do have the bar to run.

Still. It’s put me right off nipping over for my tea sometime. I still have pen ink on my fingers at 5.30pm.


Jolene puts Jamie right

You have to admit that Jolene is a master at dealing with tricky customers.

She sits Jamie down to have a word about him using The Bull as a hotel, rather than a home.

And when he gets fed up and tries to walk away from her:

[Jolene] “No, I don’t think so. Round here we finish a conversation when it’s started. And this one ain't finished yet”

Hurrah! (I thought) Someone is finally going to give Jamie the swift boot in the bum that he’s so badly needed for months now!

But … no.

All Jolene did was tell him that he needed to cooperate more, and to nip home after school to say hello and have some tea.

[Jamie] “And that’s it?”

Yup. I was just as amazed.

Mind you, maybe the softly softly approach will work on him?



“No more about the pasture dumper!”

Ed has been told by the nurse/doctor/midwife to chat about his day at work to take Emma’s mind off the excruciating pain, but it seemed to backfire.

Still, the nurse/doctor/midwife seemed interested enough.


“She’s so perfect”

[Emma] “She’s so beautiful”

[Ed] “She’s so perfect. Perfect … our little girl. How did we make something so beautiful, eh? This is the best day of my life. The best day ever.”

Aw!

So we at last have a Grundy Girl (which will be great for Clarrie – someone else to help cook, clean, do Joe’s toenails … I know I do keep going on about those toenails, but it was such a shock!).

What do we think they’ll call her?

Wilma? Wilamena?? Wilhelmina???

The Archers Tues 2nd November 2010: Helen tells Emma how to have a baby

The Archers: Will isn’t a fan of dog walkers … Will and Eddie argue ... Helen instructs Emma ... Lilian annoys Brian

• Do we think Will was polite?
• Helen cured Emma’s morning sickness
• Young Farmer’s Ball: The Bloodbath
• Helen won’t be going to The Ball
• Lilian surveys her domain
• “You pillock!” …. “LOSER!!!”
• “She means well”
• “I’m all in favour of cutting out the fags and drink … but .. well …”

Do we think Will was polite?

Brian didn’t quite believe it, and neither do I.

Does anyone think Will told those dog walkers to keep their dogs on the lead in a polite manner?

Course not.

Cast your mind back to last year’s shoot, when Will was quite rude to a customer.

He’s not one to use subtlety, and I doubt he’s ever been on a customer care course.

I think Brian’s onto an utter loss trying to teach Will about ‘word of mouth’.

With Brian placing such a huge emphasis on the forthcoming shoot (bookings are down, so they need to impress those who do spend their money with them), I think Will is about to create huge problems for himself.

What a short fuse …


Helen cured Emma’s morning sickness

Or so Emma thinks Helen thinks she did (!).

Poor Emma is being plagued by a rather enthusiastic and very knowledgeable Helen.

Emma shouldn’t be surprised that Helen doesn’t register the fact that Emma has already had a child. She was just as quick to dismiss Kathy and Pat’s advice.

Still, Helen does have her uses. With that cream, I’m sure Emma will be delighted to have fewer stress marks.

I did feel sorry for Emma as she got lost amongst all of Helen’s rather rigid plans for how her baby is going to be born.

Helen has a birth plan, involving low lighting, music and a water birth. Helen isn’t going to have painkillers. She’s going to get a Tens Machine (which is seemingly a Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulator. So there!).

Hiring a tens machine

Emma is just going to give birth.

[Emma] “Mind you, it’s worth keeping your options open …’til you’ve been there, you don’t know how painful it’s going to be”

[Helen] “I a high pain threshold”

Helen really doesn’t want to hear that her giving birth isn’t going to be anything other than as she’s perfectly planned.

“It often goes different to what you’d expect”

Oh dear Emma. It’s probably best that you don’t burst Helen’s deeply considered and constructed bubble.



Young Farmer’s Ball: The Bloodbath

Emma bought tickets from Pip for her and Ed.

On checking Clarrie to see if she can babysit, she finds out that Will and Nic have already nabbed her to babysit for them.

Because they’re both also going to the Ball.

Booze plus Will and Ed in the same room.

Oh dear. Oh dearie, dearie me.


Helen won’t be going to The Ball.

Helen almost ‘guffawed’ when Emma asked her if she was going:

“No … not me!”

If Emma really knew Helen, she’d know that Helen’s perfect night is one spent in her flat, with wine (well, not now), chocolate (hmm, not now) and a DVD (that’s got to still be okay?!?).

The last time Helen had a proper night out was when she met Leon. Poor lass has been well and truly scared back into her flat.

At least pushing the baby’s buggy will get her out (though I still think a dog would have sufficed).


Lilian surveys her domain

Brian’s getting irritated with Lilian. And that’s even before they have their first board meeting.

Taking Lilian round the site for the mart, he’s annoyed she wants to stop to take pictures. Astounded she wants to use a Dictaphone. And a tad put out that she only wants the board on “neutral ground”.

Never mind Brian.

With Annabelle, Martin and Andrew also on the board, Lilian’s “darlings” are going to sound increasingly desperate.


“You pillock” …. “LOSER”

Ah. The Grundy boys are being as eloquent as ever.

This time, Will’s blocking the lane while he’s working. Ed needs to get by. Last time it was Ed blocking the lane. Will was trying to get by.

Will seems to have forgotten that he was an arse to Ed when his cows were on the road. And Ed has forgotten how furious he was with Will when he was being an arse when his cows were on the road.

[Will] “You pillock – I’ve got birds round here … I’m not going to stop what I’m doing cause of some idiot revving …have a bit of patience”

[Will, on Ed saying he was busy so had to get by] “Oh … well, inside I’m crying”

[Ed] “If you don’t move it, you will be crying!”

[Will] “Your cows make a right mess up here – clean up after them”

[Ed] “Are you feeling alright … LOSER!”

Ed than later said to Emma:

“It’s the expression it does … it gets me mad before he even opens his mouth”

Who was it said that blood is thicker than women?!?


“She means well”

And that’s the dichotomy that is our Ed Grundy.

He can generally find the good in folks, but absolutely not his own brother.

[Emma on Helen] “She really needs to chill out”

[Ed] “She means well”

[Emma] “I tried to tell her – but she’s got it all under control”

[Ed] “That baby won’t dare give her a hard time!”

And Ed also shows why Emma chose the right brother (in the end)

“The mother of my baby … you’d look gorgeous in an old feed sack”

Aw. Bless ya.


“I’m all in favour of cutting out the fags and drink … but .. well …”

Isn’t it fascinating when two extremes clash.

There’s Lilian managing to just about understand than an expectant mother shouldn’t smoke or drink (“there days”) – and in the other corner, it’s Helen doing step aerobics while pregnant.

Helen’s knee isn’t in great shape, due to a fall she took during one of her many exercise routines.

Lilian’s right to be a bit concerned.

There’s being fit and healthy, and there’s being obsessive.

But where else would we expect Helen to sit on that spectrum.

The Archers Sun 25th Oct 2010: Apply Day at Lower Loxley

The Archers: Kenton’s not being useful … neither is Jazzer … Will isn’t Angry (what???)

• Kenton’s on the shaving horse
• “Everything’s ready for the longest peel competition”
• Phil only managed to make a chair leg
• Jazzer’s taking the scrumpy …
• Was that our Will Nic was talking about?
• Kenton now doesn’t need to be at Jaxx
• Jolene’s back to her usual self
• The Panto jesting begins

Kenton’s on the shaving horse

But doesn’t know the difference between carpentry and “green wood working”.

Must admit neither do I, but Nigel seemed quite concerned to get it correct.

As well as kicking Kenton off of the shaving horse.

“The last thing I need on apple day is for you to decapitate yourself”

“Everything’s ready for the longest peel competition”

So, it’s not all a loss.

But what was that about a crack barn?


Phil only managed to make a chair leg

Aw, bless Phil.

I agree with Kenton that it’s a shame he never got to make the whole chair.


Jazzer’s taking the scrumpy …

I’m seriously starting to think that there must be something very amiss with Harry.

How did he manage to keep his temper?

Jazzer drank the cider that he was going to use for their pork (part of the Sunday lunch he was cooking for them both);

had the TV blaring at stupid-o’clock the previous night;

then puts the oven up full blast, ruining the Sunday lunch, while Harry was out trying to buy more cider.

“It’s no ma fault ma Ma never taught me how to cook”

Jazzer is as Jazzer does – but why is Harry putting up with all of this?

At least he makes Jazzer pay … for lunch at The Bull.

But why is he being so calm in the face of such blatant misuse and abuse of his good nature?

Will the worm turn?


Was that our Will Nic was talking about?

I don’t think that could have been.

Nic and Will have seemingly had a “chat” about Emma being pregnant – with Will “happy to talk about it” and not angry anymore.

Sorry. Did Will suddenly become a decent, rationale human being?

That just can’t be right at all.

Although Nic think’s that Emma being pregnant:

“ …it’s great … it’s the best thing that could have happened to all of us”

I don’t accept that Will is anything other than seething.

Hoping I am wrong, for Nic’s sake and sanity …


Kenton now doesn’t need to be at Jaxx

*sigh*

What is wrong with that man?

One minute he must be at Jaxx every waking moment, now he can swan off to enjoy himself.

What’s changed?

Well, Jaxx is up and running for one.

And Kenton also doesn’t need to avoid Kathy anymore.

I’m not sure whether his constant checking about Kathy’s movements is either to get to see her, or to still avoid her.

[Kenton to Nigel] “How do you fancy being count Dracula to my Van Helsing?”

Oh dear.

Do we feel another Kenton and Nigel big night out (ending up in the gutter, or arrested, or in bed with a random woman)?

Or maybe it’s Jazzer we need to watch out for at The Bull’s Halloween party:

“As long as you give me lots of lassies to sink my teeth intae”

Jolene’s back to her usual self

But is still wearing a We Love The Bull t-shirt.

I thought the point of the campaign was getting Jolene to realise how much everyone needed her at The Bull?

Now, I think it feels like we’re just adding to her holiday fund …


The Panto jesting begins

[Nic] “My Jake’s going to be a little rat”

[Clarrie on Eddie auditioning] “Lord knows why … he always wants to throttle Lynda by the end of it”

[Nic to a thinking-of-auditioning Harry] “Still, you wouldn’t’ have to sit around watching people getting tortured”

[Clarrie] “Oh, she ain’t that bad”

(Nic was referring to Jazzer – Harry wants to get out of the house to avoid Jazzer’s very loud and gory horror movies).

How very droll ;-)

The Archers Thurs 21st Oct 2010: Pat’s worried about Helen

The Archers: Helen’s happy for Emma … Kathy has tea with Pat … Kenton spends more quality time with Jamie

• So excited!
• “I was lucky with George, I suppose”
• “I’m finally single again”
• It’s Helen. There has to be a catch …
• Bollywood Night at Jaxx
• “My sexy Bollywood star”

So excited!

Despite Helen having to mark down the Raspberries down (to three for a pound. Bargain!), Helen’s delighted to be able to congratulate Emma face-to-face when she pops into Ambridge Organics.

Pat was also full of the joys for Emma, but Helen was a tad terrifying with her enthusiasm.

Thrilled that she’s only two months ahead of Emma, Helen seemed particularly delighted that:

“I won’t be the only pregnant girl in the village”

(though Emma said there must be more – who? who?? who???)

Helen was just as thrilled at the idea of her and Emma chumming each other to ante natal.

Whereas Emma seemed quite bewildered by Helen’s excitement.

Worse still for Emma was Helen’s rather detailed advice about how to morning sickness.

“Have you tried slow burn wholegrain food?”

Helen does seem to think she’s the perfect example of pregnancy, and that Emma could benefit from her months of research.

She does mean well, but doesn’t she go on!

And Helen should also probably realise that Emma’s not quite the wholefood type.

After all, just look at the whole artichoke saga ….


“I was lucky with George, I suppose”

If you say so Emma.

I know you were talking about being how easy it was to be pregnant with George, but I really don’t think there was any ‘luck’ that can be associated to George’s conception, birth, paternity test …



“I’m finally single again”

Now that Kenton’s making an effort with Jamie, Kathy is freed up to get on with her own life.

(Though it has to be said that she still didn’t sound very impressed with Kenton’s efforts. Too little too late?)


So, what wild and exciting things does Kathy immediately get up to?

Round to Pat and Tony’s for tea.

Steady on!

Kathy’s decided to take charge of her life and:

“make my own agenda”

Great and good. As long as it means less shouting and grumping, I’ll be happy. And maybe (just maybe) we’ll see a whole, new happy Kathy?!?

Just one odd thing – Kathy said:

“I’m finally single again”

Does that mean she wanted to split up with Kenton for a while? That she was hankering after a sassy single lady lifestyle?

Or, was Kathy just realising that she and Kenton should have split up many many months before they actually did.


It’s Helen. There has to be a catch …

Continuing her “fascinating” lecture on the right food and fitness routine for pregnant women, Helen didn’t seem to think that neither Pat nor Kathy would have anything useful or sensible to say on the topic.

It’s almost as if Helen’s the first woman to ever be pregnant.

Poo-pooing Kathy’s mention of “having to eat for two”, Helen announced:

“In the last 6 months … women only need 300 calories a day”

And she’s back!

Happy Helen has once again turned into Controlling/smug/know-it-all/rather rude Helen.

But Pat’s more worried about Helen’s entire attitude to food, than her mate being insulted by her daughter.

[Pat]“You do see what I mean about Helen?”

[Kathy] “She does seem quite picky about what she’s eating …”

[Pat] “You saw her sad little helping tonight … it’s not enough to feed a sparrow … worried she’s just using it as an excuse”

Oh dear.

As Kathy said, would Helen really put the baby at risk?

Or, is Pat just panicking about Helen because of her unhappy history with food?

“It’s her obsessive attitude I find worrying … she’s counting every calorie … surely can’t be a good sign where Helen’s concerned?”

While Pat might have a point that medical professionals are more worried about obesity, Kathy’s right that surely Helen’s midwife will be able to spot anything amiss (especially with Helen’s medical history to hand)? Especially if her midwife turns out to be Amy …

Either way, it was good to actually hear Pat being able to offload for once.

And Tony was quite right to steer well clear, with his umpiring rule book. It’ll soon come to a time where no excuse will be accepted …


Bollywood Night at Jaxx

Kenton’s entertaining Jamie at Jaxx, and does seem to be getting somewhere in encouraging Jamie to say more than ‘whatever’.

Although I do question Kenton’s tactic of using Kathy’s attitudes as a means to get Jamie to behave (if you do x, y will stop nagging you), anything that can help Jamie back to being a nice lad is welcome.

But, as with almost everything Kenton does, his attempts are doomed to failure …


“My sexy Bollywood star”

… so this time, Kenton’s failure comes in the form of Holly.

With Kenton’s rather detailed descriptions to Nigel the morning after forever etched in our darkest nightmares, we’ll never forget Kenton’s night of passion with Holly.

But, it seems Kenton had. It’s a shame for him that Holly hadn’t!

The fact that Kenton hasn’t called her since that night hasn’t quenched Holly’s passion for him. She even gave him a massive snog (right in the middle of Jaxx), rather than slapping him.

“It was a pretty memorable occasion!”

Does Holly have no shame?

Can she not take a hint? (that Kenton can’t be that interested if he hadn’t tried to contact her)

Bunny boiler material, methinks.

Anyway, Jamie is not at all impressed with Holly’s display of affection to Kenton, even though Kenton did try and explain to her that now wasn’t a good time for a reunion.

Jamie flees from Jaxx. Kenton catches up with him to explain:

[Kenton] “She’s just a friend … I haven’t; seen her for four weeks”

[Jamie] “You’re pathetic … why should I believe a word you say!?!”

Oops.

Jamie has met Holly before, at which point Kenton had also claimed she was just a friend.

Quite simply, friends don’t snog. And Jamie knows that.

Ah well. The lack of shouting was nice while it lasted.

The Archers Wed 20th Oct 2010: Will finds out about Emma's pregnancy

The Archers: Susan's spreading the news ... Kenton takes Jamie out ... Apple days and Deck The Halls ... Will gets angry (pt 6000000940265)

• Clarrie is just an all round good sort
• We can depend on Susan
• Why on earth didn’t Eddie and Clarrie not expect Will to go off on one?
• They really didn’t expect it.
• Kenton and Kathy in a 'Not shouting' shock!
• Kenton gets through to Jamie?
• Apples, Deck and Panto (oh my!)

Clarrie is just an all round good sort

Clarrie was having a chat with Kathy, when Kenton arrived to take Jamie out.

Not only did Clarrie not fish for gossip - she immediately left them to it - mentioned to Kathy that she could call round anytime for a chat - and gave Eddie a tap for trying to be nosey.

Nice person indeed.


We can depend on Susan

Actually, I think it's fair enough that Susan is spreading the news far and wide.

After all, it is her daughter that's pregnant.

The way Will found out can't exactly be blamed on Susan gossiping (for once). Methinks Ed had planned it all along ... (see below)



Why on earth didn’t Eddie and Clarrie not expect Will to go off on one?

As @meerkatmartin pointed out to me on Twitter, parents generally only see the good in their kids.

Which is absolutely true.

The trouble is, have Eddie and Clarrie been completely oblivious to the continued animosity between their sons?

When was the last time Will and Ed were in the same room, let alone acted like brothers?

I’m quite stunned that they didn't think to (a) tell Will about Emma's pregnancy become common knowledge and (b) assume that he'd go loopy about it.

[Clarrie] "isn’t it nice!"

[Will] "so why didn’t someone tell me?"

[Will] "Jennifer a telling me I’m going to be an uncle ... how do you think I felt?"

Clarrie also had to admit that she'd known for a wee while, which made Will even more angry.

I can see Will's point that it's not right he had to hear it from "the gossips".

Perhaps Eddie and Clarrie should have insisted Ed tell Will, but I don't think Ed gives a stuff.

I think his plan all along was to truly rub Will up the wrong way by making sure he found out the wrong way.

[Clarrie] "are you pleased for them?"

[Will] "what!"

[Clarrie] "well, it’s good news"

[Will] "Dad ... after what Ed's done to me, do you think I’m going to congratulate him?"

And then we get onto Will’s new strategy:

[Will] "you really think he's ft to be a father? ... he's just not responsible"

Yikes!

I’m not sure where that come from (I can only remember George once hitting his head, while Ed and Will were having a punch up).

Anyone else have an idea of how Will could justify Ed not being a good dad?

Either way - looks like Will isn’t going to take this quietly. I think he'll try and get custody of George, while making Emma's pregnancy a far less joyous experience than it should be (for all concerned).



They really didn’t expect it.

"I never thought he'd take it as bad as that"

"and after all this time, you’d think he start to get over it"

"he'll soon calm down"

"a lot of it is because he's been made to feel a fool in front of Jennifer Aldridge"

Ah, come on now Eddie and Clarrie. Will has shown nothing but utter contempt for Ed since the whole Emma-gate.

But you're also missing the fact that Nic is now going to have to cope with the full brunt of Will's unreasonable anger.

"Nic is such a nice sensible girl ... perhaps she can talk him round"

Actually, maybe Nic can. She has stood up to Will before.

But, because Nic is such a "nice" girl, I hope she runs for the hills (or Harry) when she realises that Will is going to be going utterly overboard throughout and beyond Emma's pregnancy.



Kenton and Kathy in a 'Not shouting' shock!

While Kathy was very frosty to Kenton when he collected Jamie, she didn't shout at him.

When Kenton said:

"I thought it might help the situation ... I’ve been busy but not been on another planet"

Kathy didn’t shout at him.

When Kenton brought Jamie back home.

Kathy still didn’t find to something to shout at him about.

And, when Kenton offered to collect Jamie from school, so that he could hang out with him again AND give Kathy a break ...

... Kathy accepted his help in the straightforward manner it was offered.

Phew! Think we've turned a corner?


Kenton gets through to Jamie?

As well as Kathy and Kenton having a normal conversation, and agreeing to something, is it too much to hope that Kenton will actually manage to help stop Jamie being such a thug?

Jamie seemed to take on board Kenton's point that his shenanigans to Pip's Barn Dance was mote about him being rude than underage drinking.

And then also admitted that he is

"bored ... fed up ... people [are] annoying me ... there's nothing good in my life ... everyone just comes down on me"

On the matter of Kathy dropping him at and collecting him from school, Jamie did have a good point to make that it is actually making her life more stressful.

Which Kenton heard, and late came up with a solution for (see above). Which I was heartened by, considering Kenton had at first said

"it does seem a little bit bonkers"

(I was imaging that he'd say those exact words to Kathy, sending her off into a fury yet again. Which he didn't. Phew!)

And what's more, did Kenton actually persuade Jamie to go to school and actually do the work while he's there?

[Kenton] "I’m not a shining example of academic achievement - but at least I had some O levels ... if you have to go, might as well get something out of it"

Oh my. This has to be too good to be true.


Apples, Deck and Panto (oh my!)

The previous mention of the Panto, and tonight's mention that Deck The Halls will be back this year (at Lower Loxley), has made me warm and happy.

It's been a very trying year in many, many respects.

And though often a twee farce, the Christmas 'specials' also raise a smile.

As Clarrie put it:

"something to look forward to it"

What's more, Lower Loxley is also having an apple day soon.

Which Joe is helping out with (by getting old varieties from Grange Farm).

Can we sense a cider scam forthcoming?

The Archers Tues 19th Oct 2010: Emma’s spreading the happy news

The Archers: Pip’s stressed about ticket sales … Bert’s a ploughing champ … Vicky’s bull calves go off to mart … Emma tells Susan and David/Ruth …

• Only 42!
• 106 might have mastitis
• Bert might win the county championship
• “Nice looking bunch of calves”
• “Sorry. There’s a bit of tea on there.”
• Susan’s not happy
• Why was David and Ruth so nervous?
• And then there’s Will

Only 42!

Pip’s target for the YFC Ball next Friday is 70.

She’s sold 42 and has 10 more days.

Why the stress, young lady? That’s bags of time.

As Pip later sold more to some of the local residents, I was a bit confused about how couples buying tickets only meant one more ticket sold.

Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe Pip should be selling one ticket per person? Just a thought …


106 might have mastitis

Aw!

I do prefer Ed’s habit of naming his cows.

There’s something a bit too clinical about Ruth and David’s numbering system.


Bert might win the county championship

With Bert’s “arch rival Jimmy Prentice” retired from ploughing competitions, Bert’s seemingly in a great place to win the trophy.

Winning today’s competition, he’s now second in the County Championship.

Is there no end to that man’s talents?


“Nice looking bunch of calves”

And here endeth the lesson.

Mike and Ed load up Vicky’s bull calves for the mart, with a rather upset Vicky watching over them to say goodbye (without interfering … her words, not mine).

Mike reckoned:

“that they’re going off for junk food is a shame”

At mart, the calves made £100 each. Which isn’t great:

[Vicky] “I knew it’d be bad, but after all me hard work …”

(Sorry Vicky – your hard work???)

But it means Vicky only owes Ed £350.

Mike also gave Ed another £30 (as he thought Ed’s cost didn’t really cover his time and effort), with both he and Ed glad this whole whim of Vicky’s is done and dusted.

[Vicky] “I’ve learnt on thing from this – don’t want to see another calf ever again … I just don’t think I could bear it”

Fair enough. Apart from the fact you live in the country. And your husband does a milk round.

Avoiding calves might be more difficult that you’d think, Vicky. The trick is not to get involved with farming when you haven’t got the stomach for the more hard of realities.


“Sorry. There’s a bit of tea on there.”

Ed’s rushed through the numbers, and has got his invoice ready for Vicky.

It even has the free bonus of some food matter smeared onto it.

Lovely.

Coming in at £1,150, Mike reckons the price is more than fair – and then also manages to pass the invoice off as properly detailed.

I’d have expected Vicky to make more of a fuss about it being so rushed, but she was obviously quite upset about her “beautiful boys” going off the mart …


Susan’s not happy

When Emma tells Susan that she’s pregnant, Susan is utterly delighted.

However, she’s not so chuffed that Clarrie already knows.

As Emma explained, Clarrie did guess

[Clarrie] “Well I’ve seen more of you than Clarrie, and I’ve never noticed”

But then again, Susan has been busy with Chris’ marriage and the Village Shop.

“By next April you’ll be a grandmother again!”

All nice and happy.

What a difference to when Helen told her family …


Why was David and Ruth so nervous?

Did they think Josh was back to being Emma’s stalker again?

They just seemed very reticent when Emma asked to speak to them. David even tried to leg it!

Anyway, they’re also delighted that Emma’s pregnant, and are fine with her taking time off.


And then there’s Will

I’m relieved someone has finally mentioned Will in relation to Emma’s baby.

[Ed] “This time he can’t say it’s not mine”

Jokes aside, Ed, it’s going to be tricky.

Emma was all for going to see Will, and tell him. But only when Nic was there (poor thing. Could you imagine the mood Will would be in after Ed and Emma left!).

[Ed] “I shouldn’t worry about it. He will find out soon enough”

I suppose we can’t expect Ed to anything less than utterly unconcerned about how Will feels about Emma having a baby with Ed.

But it’s not about Will – it’s more about the utter fury he’ll unleash on anyone and everyone hear him.

Seriously – I hope Nic has a panic button ready.

The Archers 5th September 2010: call time on the bull?

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The Archers: Emma can’t hide from Clarrie … Ian and Adam have a busman’s Sunday

• Simply ooooooooooooozing
• “Grey Gables gourmets are going to have to wait”
•  You can’t fool Clarrie
•  “Get rid of Freda and change the menu” – oh my!
•  Clarrie keeps the secret for less time than it takes …

Simply ooooooooooooozing

Joe’s decided he wants Clarrie to bake him a cake for his birthday.

It needs to be a plain Victoria sponge “oooozing with jam and butter cream”.

And he’s timed it well (or at least his mum did!). Clarrie’s on cooking overdrive ahead of the flower and produce show.


“Grey Gables gourmets are going to have to wait”

How nice to hear from Adam and Ian again.

Off on a trip to have a look at a fruit producer for Adam, Ian also managed to get Adam to go to lunch at a pub famed for its great food.

In telling Ian that he can’t have certain food produce for his restaurant until it actually grows (“delayed gratification), Adam already foresees that Ian will

“be taking half of my cherries”

Terribly uncouth of me – but didn’t that happen years ago?!?


You can’t fool Clarrie

After years of sniffing out Eddie and Joe’s cunning plans, Clarrie spots that Emma’s pregnant (after she keeps throwing up).

Swearing Clarrie to secrecy, Emma’s a bit worried that her pregnancy is already difficult compared to when she was pregnant with George.

Clarrie reckons that means it could be a girl this time.

Hmmm. She’ll be cracking out the needle and thread next to see which way it spins.


“Get rid of Freda and change the menu” – oh my!

As they’re having their lunch in this wonderful pub with wonderful food, Ian reckons that The Bull needs to shape up its own food if it’s to survive.

Seemingly Freda’s habit of serving tomato ketchup sachets on the side of everything just isn’t good enough, and

“it’s not the most tactful thing to say considering the circumstances … but the atmosphere is like a morgue”

I can see what Ian’s driving at, but surely it’s Jolene that should go rather than Freda? Even if the food was stunning, how would one be able to enjoy their bruschetta with Jolene’s vacant stare haunting your every move?

Still, I hadn’t thought that Caroline and Oliver might be interested in The Bull again, and at least Ian later had a chat with Lilian to finally put to bed the idea that she’ll save The Bull single handed.

“people seem to think I have some sort of obligation”

Lilian doesn’t have the money, nor does it seem like she has the implication.

And worse still, she even sounds like she’ll also pull out of the pub if Jolene leaves. Quite simply, it was the “chemistry” between Jolene and Sid that made The Bull a success

“if Jolene can’t pull through with this, we might have to call time on the bull”

Yikes!


Clarrie keeps the secret for less time than it takes …

… to soft boil an egg.

She told Eddie the first chance she had!

“I was starting to think Edwards was firing blanks”

says Eddie, when he learns that he’s about to become a grandad again.

But ever canny, Clarrie knows that it’s our old psychotic friend Will who’s going to be the tricky one.

Whereas Eddie thinks Will “won’t be bothered”, Clarrie knows that he’s not exactly going to crack open the champagne.

Well, maybe he will. If it’s over Ed’s head.

The Archers 25th August 2010: The Girls' Night Out

The Archers: Tony gets his mower conditioner … Ed’s still on about Artichokes … The Girls’ night out … Jamie offers to do the shopping

• “Great conditioner to cut ratios”
• Why has no-one asked Ed about his artichoke obsession?
• Natural or high tech birth?
• Is this a permanent ceasefire between Kathy and Jamie?
• Surely The Bull isn’t shutting!
• Steady on there ‘Girls’!
• And in case you’d forgotten …

“Great conditioner to cut ratios”

Phew! I was worried there that the ratio would have been rubbish (!).

Tony has got his mower conditioner, Ed’s excited about it, but seemingly Tom just glanced at it and grunted about it being unnecessary.

Poor Tony.


Why has no-one asked Ed about his artichoke obsession?

As Ed’s now asked everyone and anyone abut artichokes, why has no-one thought to ask what this sudden obsession is all about?

It’s now quite ‘Ed’ now, is it?

Also trying Tony, Ed seems to be having no luck in the shops. It seems artichokes won’t be round again until March-May.

Helen suggest that Kirsty might have a supplier. Seemingly Jaxx has a

“more esoteric menu these days”

Natural or high tech birth?

Helen’s quite taken with the idea of having a natural birth (at the birthing centre Amy’s working at), whereas Tony seems to think she needs state of the art equipment.

Tony obviously wants his daughter to be safe, but there’s the undercurrent of Tony not letting go of how Helen got pregnant in the first place:

“the child wasn’t conceived natural – a high tech birth seems more appropriate”

How long will he keep this up for? He surely has to accept that despite how she got pregnant, Helen is going to have a baby - and that everything after the conception is as ‘natural and ‘normal’ as any other pregnancy?


Is this a permanent ceasefire between Kathy and Jamie?

It does all sound very civilised.

Jamie offered to do the shopping, is doing well at his job and actually mowed the lawn when only asked once.

Kathy also seems to be a lot calmer, which must make even having a conversation with her less fraught.

Talking to Pat later on, Kathy thinks it was the shock of how upset she was last week that has jolted Jamie back into being a nice chap.

Or, maybe he’s working through his grief.

Either way, I’m very grateful there’s no shouting.

That just leaves Kenton and Kathy to sort themselves out, or split up (the latter I think is most likely).

Kenton’s agreed to go to Kathy’s golf club dinner dance. Which Kathy is delighted about.

But hold on a minute … Kenton’s seemingly been moaning to Kirsty about how the dance will be full or bores. So he doesn’t seem happy to be going.

Does this mean Kenton is finally putting Kathy’s needs before all of his own – or is he doing it out of duty, to stop Kathy moaning? If so, I would have thought shouting shall resume quick hence …


Surely The Bull isn’t shutting!

That’d be ridiculous.

Even if Jolene does want to sell her shares, surely they’d keep it going while everything gets sorted out?

Or will we see Ambridge residents having to go to Borchester for their pints?

Village riot ahoy!



Steady on there ‘Girls’!

Helen can’t stop yawning, Brenda’s picking up bathroom catalogues for Lillian, Fallon can only talk about The Bull.

Party time indeed!

It might have been better to avoid The Bull altogether to give Fallon a proper break (and started out in Borchester), but Kirsty doesn’t seem to be having much fun with her friends these days.

Where else could she find a distraction … ?


And in case you’d forgotten …

Will doesn’t like Ed.

Not even able to give more than a monosyllabic answer to Ed when they cross paths in the pub, Will is hardly going to be pleased when he hears about Emma’s pregnancy.

I’d lock him up now. Will is quite simply a violent nutter.

The Archers 23rd August 2010: The Carter's invite The Aldridges to supper

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The Archers: The Carter’s invite the Aldridges to supper … Jennifer’s in a panic again … Ed’s still on about artichokes

• “Oh flipping eck”
• “Will he expect my cleaner to clean for him?”
• Amy’s going to regret moving back to Ambridge
• “What sort of sauce is that then?”

“Oh flipping eck”

Was Neil’s response to Susan deciding that Brian and Jennifer should be invited to supper.

Susan feels that, despite Neil’s rather uncouth comparison of Alice and Chris’ marriage to pig breeding, they need to “cement the bond” with the Aldridges sooner rather than later.

She really does seem to feel that Chris’ marriage is a new opportunity for her and Neil – and that they should be the best of friends with Jennifer and Brian to make sure that their passage into the upper classes is as smooth as possible.

If I didn’t know better, I’d have though Susan pushed Chris to marry Alice for her own gain. Of course, that didn’t happen at all …

Unhappy about having to lose his Friday night in the Bull to supper with the Aldridges (which is seemingly more than just cheese on toast!), Neil isn’t looking forward to any of it:

“In my best bib and tucker … best behaviour … dredging up something from the news to keep the conversation going”

Caught on the hop, Jennifer’s said yes to Susan’s invitation, but was then desperately hoping that Brian had already made other plans. Which he hadn’t:

“With any luck, it’s be bangers and mash and pudding. We’ll be out of there by 9”

Told not to joke like that on the big night itself, at least Brian can see the funny side of it.

Unlike Jennifer:

“It’s the thin end of the wedge”

Yes indeed. What fun!



“Will he expect my cleaner to clean for him?”

Now that just wouldn’t be on at all, would it Jennifer!

The very thought of one’s new son-in-law expecting to use one’s hired help simply is unthinkable!

Quite right.

Isn’t it amazing how a rich and successful husband has made Jennifer into such an awful snob!

After Jennifer panicked about their announcement that they’d been married … the next panic over the party … Jennifer’s now panicking about more practical issues (now that the party dust has settled).

I can see why she’s a bit annoyed at losing one of their holiday cottages, but it’s it Alice’s to use?

But that’s not the real reason. It’s all about Jennifer being worried that she’ll have to cook and clean for Chris when Alice goes back to university.

Whereas Brian

“expects him to look after himself”

Jennifer has a vision of washing Chris’ smalls.

Couldn’t she just leave him to get on with it?

Alice and Chris’ plan is to stay in her cottage while they save money for a larger house, then rent out the cottage to get an extra income.

Brian’s impressed, and is happy that Chris seems to have some “business sense”



Amy’s going to regret moving back to Ambridge

It’ll all be good experience, but she won’t be able to move for expectant mothers (and over enthusiastic fathers) asking for her advice.

While I'm on that - can we foresee that one pregnancy will go well, but the other horribly wrong?

Will it be joy or pain for Helen or Emma/Ed???


“What sort of sauce is that then?”

It’s easy to laugh at Ed’s lack of culinary experience, and it wouldn’t be fair to.

Still on about artichokes, Chris corners Alice to find out more about where he can get them, and what to do with them.

It’s all very sweet, and I do like his lack of embarrassment. He’s a good chap for asking what something is when he doesn’t know.

22nd August: The Millennium Wood Picnic

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The Archers: Ed’s taking care of Emma … Alice and Chris return from Grey Gables … Debbie’s gone home … the Millennium Wood Picnic

• Why was Ed surprised that the baby had a heart?
• Boys will be boys
• What the feuck was Ruairi ‘s accent?
• Lynda’s current projects
• Artichokes
• Ah – it’s “Aldridge Millennium wood”
• Vicky was very quiet about her cake

Why was Ed surprised that the baby had a heart?

You’d think that a chap who’s been around cattle all his life would know a bit more about pregnancy.

Anyway, it’s nice to hear a genuinely happy couple.

They’re keeping Emma’s pregnancy a secret. I wonderful if that’s anything to do with Will?

Just how will he react? Especially if Ed and Emma’s baby just happens to be born on George’s birthday.

If there was ever a candidate for the murder rumoured to be happening in early 2011, I think Will murdering Ed has to be the top contender.

“Hello tiny Grundy … I’m your daddy”

Here’s hoping Ed and Emma are left alone to enjoy their baby, that Will keeps well away, and that wee George doesn’t get left to one side …


Boys will be boys

Ah, bless Chris. He may now be a married man (to an Aldridge, no less), but he still gets excited by a big plasma TV, with all the sports channels.

It sounded like he was sensible enough not to sit and watch it the entire time he and Alice were in their luxury suite at Grey Gables.

So he may be a boy, but at least he’s a boy who knows when it’s time for sports, and time for romance.


What the feuck was Ruairi ‘s accent?

As warming as it is to see the teeny tots starting to have their friendships (George and Ruairi), what on earth was going on with Ruairi’s accent?

I know he’s bound to have a bit of a Irish hint, but it sounded like he was a bloke down the pub trying to do a Father Ted.

Most decidedly odd.


Lynda’s current projects

As well as a leading light of the Millennium Wood picnic, Lynda’s also now going to be planting around the village, is going to encourage the Peregrines to return, and will still have time to enter the flower and produce show.


Artichokes

First Ed is being a bit over enthusiastic about helping Emma over fences, then he gets obsessed with artichokes.

Which is fair enough, as Emma was very over excited about Jennifer’s quiche. Which seemingly had artichokes. Which Ed has never had before, but wants to get hold of.

We can only assume he thinks Emma has an artichoke craving.

What a sweet man he is. The baby is only the size of a fingernail, yet he’s already well and truly committed to making sure Emma is properly looked after.

Bless.

The only slight concern I have is that we’re now in for 9 months of loved up Ed and Emma. That could be a very nice thing, or we could be the ones with nausea …

Could there also be wedding bells?


Ah – it’s “Aldridge Millennium wood”

Thanks for the clarification, Jennifer.

Is there nothing they don’t own?


Vicky was very quiet about her cake

Infact, she didn’t even utter a peep.

How odd.

20th August 2010: Alice and Chris' Party

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The Archers: It's party time!

• Clive Horrobin ...
• The Carter's taste the good life
• Has Emma got news for Ed!

Clive Horrobin ...

... wasn't even invited!

It was all a joke on Jennifer.

Thinking back on it, I probably should have spotted that it's quite unlikely that Clive would've been let out just for a family party, but I was as clueless as Jennifer.

Cheeky of Alice and Chris, but served Jennifer right for being such a snob.

Her (and Brian's) snobbery didn't really abate as the party progressed:

"Reading isn't one of the Horrobin's skills"

(over them choosing to sit where they liked instead of as dictated by Jennifer's table nameplaces)

But at least all of their concerns were unfounded.

Now all they have to do is survive the Horrobin's at Christmas, birthday parties, anniversaries, christenings ...

The Carter's taste the good life

After all of Jennifer and Brian's snobbery, it was funny that Neil assumed that their 'posh' set as being more likely to create havoc/damage.

"At least they'd have the money to pay"

Susan's cup cake went down a storm, and Neil decided to make an impromptu speech (after panicking that he's have to make one).

After Brian said:

"Chris is a real credit.

Neil returned with:

"Brian must be pleased and proud {Chris has] chosen his lovely daughter to be his wife"

And good on you! Quite right that the Aldridge's understand that Alice is just as lucky to have landed Chris.

While then going on about this marriage being a union between "two great and long established families", Neil then managed to slightly slip up and liken the marriage to being "like pigs ... or any other stock".

Bless. He was just trying to say that Chris and Alice are two prize breeders!

"this is what life will be like from now on ... hobnobbing with the county set"

Ah deary me. Jennifer's going to have to have a whole suitcase full of excuses to avoid Susan and Neil assuming they'll be even invited to hobnob.

Has Emma got news for Ed!

I hadn't really noticed Emma being anything other than Emma recently (Josh's stalking escapades aside).

But there it is.

Emma's pregnant!

And this time it's most definitely Ed's.

Isn't it?