Saturday, 30 June 2012

David left home alone: Fri 29.06.12

The Archers Friday 29th June 2012
  • The gnome market isn’t holding up
  • It’s nearly the final litter pick
  • Don’t forget the DVDs and computer games!
  • David left to defend by himself
  • Brian about to be ousted?
  • David shouts at Eddie
  • Kenton STILL hasn’t done his homework

The gnome market isn’t holding up

[Eddie] “The bottom’s dropped right out of the gnome market. I just have to come up with new ideas … what about giant heads. Like the Easter Island ones, but made to look like members of your own family.”

[Kenton] “Eddie, you never cease to amaze me.”

Quite. I also can’t think of anything to say to that, Eddie.

It’s nearly the final litter pick

Lynda’s on a mission. Once again.

She’s harassing Kenton about The Bull’s hanging baskets having no water in them.

The Britain in Bloom judges are coming on Tuesday, so all has to be perfect.

Which includes a litter pick on Monday evening.

[Eddie] “I’ll tell dad. He’s looking forward to meeting the judges and the bun fight after.”

But no – it’s not that simple. Lynda won’t let just anyone get near the judges – especially those who have only just picked up a bit of litter.

Later on, Lynda’s harassment seems to have worked:

[Kenton] “The water cans at the ready as soon as the sun disappears!”

Don’t forget the DVDs and computer games!

As David and Ruth pack the car to take Ben, Josh and Ruth up to Heather’s, they have to swap things around to fit.

At one point it sounded like they were about to take out a bag full of the boys’ DVD and computer games. That would have been a horrific thing to forget!

It did later sound like Ruth was the wrong parent to send to drive the kids. She took a rather roundabout way to Heather's:

[David] “Waterly Cross? What on earth are you doing in Waterly Cross?”

David left to defend by himself

Which  I still think is daft. Surely David’s the one the gang really wants to get to. Couldn’t he even have a mate to stay over while Ruth is away?

Anyway, no one seems to have thought of that (or David).

[David] “Without anyone to chat to, I’ll end up taking shorter breaks.”

And Jill will bring him food.

When David later calls Ruth to check they’re settled with Heather:

[Ruth] “Fine thanks. She’s just punched to see us. Those she’s upset, obviously.”

David tells Ruth that a heifer was born tonight with no problems. And That Pip was staying in with Spencer to watch a DVD.

They both end the phone call by saying they love each other.

Last words?

I hope not.

(and probably not … ?)

Brian about to be ousted?

It’s a BL Board meeting, and that bloke Gerry is harassing Brian about only getting the agenda and the minutes yesterday. Brian apologises, but explains he’s been a tad hectic.

[Brian] “Surely I don’t need to remind you what happened to my stepson?”

[Gerry] “Well if you’re not up to keeping on top of things,. Maybe it’s time someone else had a turn.”

Actually – I think Brian has a cheek using Adam as an excuse …

When Brian is later out to dinner with Jennifer, Gerry calls. He wants to talk about milk prices.

[Gerry] “So what makes you think this is a good time to be investing in dairy?”

[Brian] “Perhaps you’ll do me the courtesy of accepting that I know a bit about farming!”

Brian explains to Gerry that he wouldn’t be daft enough to base a long term business venture on short term market trends.

[Brian] “You can safely leave all that to me, while you retire to the club house with your wife and plan how tom spend all the money I’ll be making for you. Cheers!”


Is there still hope that the BL Board will pull the plug on the Super Dairy?

David shouts at Eddie

Eddie’s away quoting a woman for a landscaping job – but he’s meant to be at Brookfield covering Ruth’s milking.

David is not amused.

[Eddie] “But this woman’s a barrister, she works all over the country, if I can’t do a quote this afternoon she’ll get somebody else!”

[David] “Eddie, if you don’t get back to Brookfield you won’t be working here again!”

David does calm down and agrees to get the cows in for Eddie, but he’s not a happy bunny and still expects Eddie to come to Brookfield without delay.

When Eddie gets to Brookfield:

[Eddie] “I still don’t understand why you couldn’t cut me some slack … times are hard for everyone, not just dairy farmers.”

David does grudgingly apologise for shouting. Especially when he agrees that they hadn’t actually told Eddie when Ruth was leaving.

On David being left home alone:

[Eddie] “With that beast of Lynda Snells and one thing and another, it’s a good job you’re not the sort to let your imagination run away with you.”

WHY don’t they just tell everyone? David would be far safer with a few extra neighbours to help out.

Kenton STILL hasn’t done his homework

[Lynda] “Frankly, I was quite disappointed by your feeble efforts at last week’s committee meeting, pretending you had everything in hand … do you think I was born yesterday.”

Kenton claims he has definite plans. Lynda doesn’t believe him.

She tells him of her amazing plans. “Top billing”, “an amazing coup d’état”, something about a performance by young people.

[Lynda] “It will take the whole, village by storm I’m sure.”

Kenton returns with something about team events. Competitors of 4. And … erm … that’s all he had.

[Lynda] “And do what exactly?”

[Kenton] “Well you have your secrets, I have mine … all will be revealed soon enough.”

Hah! Kenton has nothing. But will no doubt pull something spectacular out with no time to spare.

I actually feel sorry for Lynda. She goes to such dedicated efforts, only to be upstaged.

Adam’s told about the threats: Thurs 28.06.12

The Archers Thursday 28th June 2012
  • Brenda is volunteered
  • Wimbledon or Blackpool?
  • Josh isn’t sad to miss Phoebe?
  • Phoebe isn’t happy to be coming home?
  • Adam twigs

Brenda is volunteered

Vicky’s telling Ian about Lynda’s plan for an Ambridge Cultural Olympiad as part of the village fete.

[Vicky] “And then, she wants a poetry reading too, it’s all very high brow.”

Vicky also tells them they’re going to do a wee marketing campaign. Brenda walks in when Vicky says ‘marketing’, and wants to know who, what, why.

(as if she’s some sort of Marketing expert! Doesn’t she just make coffee???)

Vicky tells Brenda it’s Brenda! Vicky’s put her name forward without asking.

[Vicky] “Well you know what they say, if you want something done, ask a busy woman .. .it’s nice to do something for the village, don’t you think. I know you won’t let me down.”

Brenda did not sound amused …

Wimbledon or Blackpool?

Lilian’s going to the Men’s Singles final

As Matt’s got her Wimbledon tickets for her birthday.

Vicky reminisces about her crush on Tim Henman.

[Vicky] “He made me go weak at the knees in his tennis shorts … but it was a tossup between Wimbledon or a weekend in Blackpool.”

[Brenda] “And you chose Blackpool!”

[Vicky] “Well it was the charms of the tower ballroom ... a special summer dance night you see, well you can’t have everything can you?”

[Ian] “Well you can give it a darn good try!”

I’m with Vicky. I’d have gone to Blackpool.

But then again, I readily admit that I have no class. And also prefer footy.

Josh isn’t sad to miss Phoebe?

Phoebe and Josh were Skyping again.

They’re chatting away, when Josh quote excitedly tells Phoebe that he’s off to Heather’s for the summer.

[Josh] “I’m really only go up to look after Ben. Otherwise I’d stay to help on the harvest … I was hoping dad would let me try to drive a tractor.”

So he’s off for the summer, which means he can’t spend it with Phoebe.

May they are just mates after all? No young romance in the offing.

Phoebe isn’t happy to be coming home?

[Hayley] “Just imagine Roy, she’ll be walking through that door, home again.”

[Roy] “Knowing you were responsible.”

Hmmm. Surely this bedroom makeover is going to go badly wrong?

Anyhoo – the whole family is gathered to Skype Phoebe on her birthday. Hayley, Roy, Brenda, Abbie (but no Mike. They didn’t say what he was doing).

(are the Ambridge residents getting money from Skype for product placement? They’re now mentioning it by name, and they’re using the actually Skype calling and end of call noises)

They talk about their plans for Phoebe coming home. Which could include an en masse family holiday.

[Vicky] “We could go to one of them holiday villages!”

For which Vicky reckons Mike would pay.

Phoebe calls off rather suddenly as Lucas wants her (rather rude of them both, actually).

[Brenda] “Vicky, dad might not be able to afford it. You can’t promise something you can’t give.”

[Roy] “That was a bit harsh!”

[Brenda] “Well somebody has to speak up for him>”

[Roy] “He can speak up for himself.”

[Hayley] “Was it just me, or did Phoebe sound a bit underwhelmed about coming home?”


Brenda about to start World War 3 with Vicky.

Phoebe not sounding overjoyed that she has to come home.

And a bedroom makeover.

Sounds like disaster in the offing.

Adam twigs

Adam called Brookfield to speak to David. Josh answers, and tells him that he and Ben are off to Heather’s.

Later, Ruth slips up. Adam mentions to her that Josh has ‘told him’:

[Adam] “It’s not vandalism at all, is it … the gang who attacked me are intimidating you.”

[Ruth] “Adam, I’m so sorry … when you said Josh had told you, I thought Josh had told you everything.”

Adam later talks it through with Ian.

[Adam] “I don’t know how they’ve kept it to themselves, it’s brave of them.”

[Ian] “And kind.”

[Adam] “But not right.”

[Ian] “If these scumbags go free they could just carry on … and what if next time someone gets killed?”

[Adam] “But shouldn’t my priority be David and his family … I can’t ask David and Ruth to risk it, how could I live with myself if something happened?”

Ian tells Adam about how horrific an experience it was to live through Adam being attacked. Unconscious. Not knowing if Adam would live, be brain damaged.

[Ian] “It was hell, for other too, I wouldn’t wish that on anybody else. Now please, let’s just let David do what he has to do.”

Quite right Ian.

Emma won’t let Ed leave: Wed 27.06.12

The Archers Wednesday 27th June 2012
  • Cricket for Women: the campaign gathers speed
  • Clive was always bad
  • The unhappy father of the bride
  • The Brookfield clan to be split
  • Ed’s not going anywhere

Cricket for Women: the campaign gathers speed

[Natalie] “The thing I can’t understand is why no one has made a fuss about it up til now … we can’t be the only girls in the county wanting to play cricket … it is the 21st century and it must be possible to find someone to play us, what morons runs this league anyway?!?”

Natalie’s having a right good rant, to a rather fed up Jamie. Alistair has tried to arrange a game for the female cricket players of Ambridge, but there is no other women’s ream in the county.

[Natalie] “Do they think that every woman in Ambridge just makes jam and has babies … we weren’t all born to make sponges … Jamie, are you even listening to me … don’t you think they should all be dragged into the 21st century?”

[Jamie] “Don’t you think we could forget about cricket, just for tonight and think about us?”

[Natalie] “It just makes me so mad!”

[Jamie] “Maybe you’re fighting a losing battle … you’ve got your hockey, that’s competitive enough for anyone.”

But – Jamie then unwittingly suggests a solutions. He mentions girls schools.

[Jamie] “So, can we forget about cricket and concentrate on us now?”

Mais non! His suggestion has Natalie scurrying back to Alistair to suggest he finds a girls school who plays cricket, to then play against the Ambridge Women’s Cricket team.

But it’s all for nowt. Alistair now thinks that Ambridge doesn’t have enough girls to make up a decent numbered team.

[Natalie] “It would be rubbish if the St Mags girls walked all over us.”

Jamie again unwittingly finds the solution. He suggests they make Natalie’s hickey mates “honorary” cricketers.

So again, instead of spending time with him. Natalie’s off to arrange.

Worse still, Natalie’s taken Jamie’s idea and twisted it:

[Natalie] “We’re actually doing it the other way round … we’re not giving honorary cricket status to some hockey girls … we’re giving honorary female status to some of you!”

Women get cricket by making the boys play with them.

That should be fun. And at least Jamie will get to spend more time with Natalie!

Clive was always bad

Talking to Emma, Keith reminisces about living at the family home as a kid.

He minds on when Gary broke his arm.

[Keith] “Clive’s fault, kept making him go higher … none of us used to stand up to Clive.”

Wonder if Clive will put in an unwelcome cameo appearance at Keith’s daughter’s wedding?

The unhappy father of the bride

[Keith] “I keep trying to escape the wedding of the year but the chaos keeps following me around.”

Seems Keith hankers for the good old days, when all you did was turn up and be married. Now it’s all butterflies and doves.

[Keith] “I’ve learnt to ask how much,. Not what for.”

But for all his grumbling, Keith sounds like a good dad, trying to make his daughter’s special day a very special one indeed.

He’s even bought a tiara for Emma’s Keira, which Emma was overjoyed to receive.

The Brookfield clan to be split

Ben and Josh to Heather’s (with Ruth dropping them off, and staying a few days).

Ruth off to Spencer’s.

So it’ll be David by himself for a bit.


Does no one care about David?

Ed’s not going anywhere

Ed was also due to be away, at the same time that Ben, Josh, Pip and Ruth are away.

He’s booked into his badger vaccination course. Which is arranged and paid for, and which will pay Ed a nice wee wage once he’s up and running.

But he can see problems having to leave Emma and Keira. It’ll only be David nearby.

[Emma] “It’s all turning into something off the telly. It’s mad … Why didn’t they tell us sooner. It’s not very responsible of them.”

Ed tries to reason with Emma (brave chap!) that the gang are after David and his family. Not them and theirs.

But Emma doesn’t want Ed to go away.

[Emma] “Please … I really mean it, I’ll never be able to sleep.”

[Ed, hearing Emma very upset] “Okay.”

[Emma] “It’s either you stay here, or I go. That’s the long and short of it. If it’s not safe for Ruth and David’s kids, it’s not safe for ours either. Not without you in the house.”

This might just be me – but couldn’t Emma just go to Susan’s?

Or even move into Brookfield with the also solo David?

Jill makes David see sense: Tues 26.06.12

The Archers Tuesday 26th June 2012
  • They should have told Jill
  • Jennifer has really (really) good cheese
  • Brian’s already cheating with the Super Dairy
  • It’s Adam’s fault Brian is busy
  • There’s that cheese again
  • David and Ruth make friends again

They should have told Jill

Jill mentioned to Adam that she couldn’t get through to Pip’s mobile.

Not only did they not think to tell Jill that Pip’s number has changed, they also haven’t told her why.

So when Jill is round to see Ruth:

[Ruth] “Please don’t worry Jill … we’re all okay, but … They’re not going to stop until they get what they want … I want to get the children away, get them safe.”

[Jill] “Course you do.”

So Jill immediately sides with Ruth’s point of view. And suggests the kids can stay at hers.

[Ruth] “Ideally we need to get the children out of Borchester.”

So, Ruth’s mum is the next choice.

(though if the gang can get Pip’s mobile number, surely they can work out where their immediate family lives?)

After her chat with Ruth, Jill seeks out David.

[David] “What’s the matter?”

[Jill] “Ruth, in a terrible state”

[David] “Please, mum, the last thing I need is a lecture.”

[Jill] “Ruth at the end of her ether. And truth be told, so are you … you need to listen to her. You’re asking too much … you must see that if you carry on like this, you’ll make yourself ill, or worse … you’ve got to take in what she’s saying”

Jennifer has really (really) good cheese

Brian’s ignoring Jennifer yet again.

She mentioned that Matt and Lilian were going to go to the Game Fair. She and Brian also normally go.

[Brian] “I’ll doubt I’ll have the time. Can’t you tag along with them?”

Tag? Tag???

What a cheek.

But Jennifer didn’t correct him.

Jennifer mentioned to Brian that she had some lovely cheese, and also ham, in if Brian wanted lunch. But Brian’s seemingly seeing a chap called Roger White (see section below).

Brian’s already cheating with the Super Dairy

Roger White is a Dairy Unit developer. Brian’s seeing him today to walk the site.

Trouble is, Mr White is one of many developers who will be tendering for the Super Dairy contract.

[Jennifer] “So you're giving him an unfair advantage … I want him to be a shoe in on Friday’s meeting … I want someone I can rely on, someone on my wave length.”


And someone who might give Brian a wee back hander, I’d bet.

It’s Adam’s fault Brian is busy

[Brian] “I’m still trying to catch up from the time we lost with Adam”

[Jennifer] “He didn’t ask to be hit on the head!”

[Brian] “No of course not, but the resulting delay hadn’t gone down well.”

Seems Brian can foresee problems with the BL Board.

Though he’d be best served to not finally stir Jennifer to fury by blaming her son being attacked.

There’s that cheese again

Jennifer calls Adam, but he’s busy with the pickers.

Also, Brian earlier had told Adam to call round prospective employees after a new one they’d chosen to help with the harvest called off (he’d broken his collar bone). Brian was too busy to deal with it himself.

Adam tells Jennifer that his check-up at the hospital went well, but that he doesn’t have time to talk to her, or to have lunch.

She then tells him the bad news that the planned picker outing to the Tree Tops Adventure has to be cancelled. The Tree Tops Adventure has to be closed for a few weeks.

[Jennifer] “I reckon there’s been an accident of some sort, you know, health and safety … You've got to get something to eat, we’ve got some delicious cheese!”

Adam hangs up to crack on with things. Though I wouldn’t imagine the Tree Tops Adventure issue shouldn’t be too big a problem – hasn’t Lower Loxley got some sort of tree top walk? May not be adventurous, I suppose.

Brian then calls Adam. Jennifer can still be hearing in the background (same room as Brian) saying: “He hasn’t eaten anything, so go easy on him Brian”

[Brian] “Leave the ringing round to me because there’s apparently some cheese … let me know what else I can do, it won’t help anyone if you become ill.”

Aha! Brian’s had to change his tune about Adam doing the ringing around. Jennifer will have had something to do with that.

David and Ruth make friends again

After his bollocking from Jill, David goes to see Ruth. And apologises.

[Ruth] “I’m just so sick of fighting, I feel like I’m fighting you when I should be fighting them.”

[David] “Mum’s put me right love. We should send the kids to Heather's, of course we should, I’m sorry.”

And we leave them embracing, Ruth crying.

David thumps Adam: Mon 25.06.12

The Archers Monday 25th June 2012
  • Ruth’s still not listening
  • David spots someone in the security camera
  • How old is Vicky?
  • Vicky and Hayley hit the shops

Ruth’s still not listening

And David’s generally muttering monosyllabic answers to her.

Until she mentions that she’s told the headmasters at Ben and Josh’s school about the situation at Brookfield. Which she didn’t first discuss with David.

[Ruth] “You would have told me not to do it.”

[David] “Ruth, we agreed, we weren’t going public.”

[Ruth] “Everything’s changed David … I don’t like acting on me own like this … I told them that we’re moving the kids away, somewhere safe.”

[David] “That is really out of line Ruth. We haven’t decided anything as yet … I want them here and safe, as you know.”

[Ruth] “Well, too bad.”

David spots someone in the security camera

Just as David and Ruth’s argument is building up steam, David sees something in the camera. It looks like a person, too tall and moving too fast to be Bert. Whoever it is, they are heading for the grain store.

[David] “Right!”

He tells Ruth to hit the panic alarm, and rushes out to confront the tall, fast moving person.

When David gets into the grain store, we hear grunts and a struggle. Then:

[Adam] “What the hell!?!”

David explains that he didn’t know who he was tackling, and that he was worried it was someone out to steal or vandalise.

[Adam, incredulous] “In broad daylight, in a grain store, up a ladder??? … You’ve got to chill out, you can just wade in like that .. .it’ll be you up on some assault charge.”

David concurs. And apologises again.

Adam had only been there to check the grain hygrometer readings.

Though he didn’t explain why he was moving fast.

When David gets back to Ruth, she’s just as furious as Adam. She uses it as another example of why they have to get the kids away, and also now as a reason to tell Adam what’s been happening.

[David] “Please Ruth. Don’t put that pressure on me too.”

How old is Vicky?

Trying to second guess what a 14 year old girl is into these days, Vicky mentions:

[Vicky] “Oh I remember being 14, I went from Tucker Jenkins to Jason Donovan overnight”

That’s tricky.

On Googling it, Tucker was in Grange Hill from 1978 to 1982. Tucker’s Luck was 1983 to 1985. Jason Donovan was in Neighbours 1986 to 1989. But was in the charts from 1988 until the early nineties.

So – if Vicky changed from Tucker to Jason, that must have been around 1986. If Vicky was 14 at the time, she’s must be 40.

BUT, surely Vicky wouldn’t have had her 40th without a grand old fuss?

Vicky and Hayley hit the shops

Hayley is still very worried that she doesn’t know what Phoebe likes any more.

[Vicky] “Oh, you’re getting yourself into a  right old tizzy … stop it, it’s Phoebe’s bedroom not the Sistine Chapel … I bet you chatted more in a  week than most teenagers and mums do in a month.”

[Hayley] “The trouble is, I can’t bear to call Kate and ask for advice. It’s silly.”

[Vicky] “No it isn’t. She a very difficult woman … she loves scoring points off you, and you deal with her very well … Mike’s every so proud of the way you handle her.”

And as Vicky pointed out before, Hayley has been speaking to Phoebe a couple of times a week since we went. And, since they were using Skype, they’ve all also had a chance to look at Phoebe’s room in South Africa. They just need to remember what they’d seen.


Then Vicky and Hayley get overexcited about what they like, rather than remember what Phoebe does like.

Vicky likes a Cinderella style:

[Hayley] “I’m not sure about those butterflies.”

[Vicky] “Well it’s a symbol. A young girl becoming a woman.”

They then spot some hearts and teddies.

[Hayley] “Oh no, not the fluff!”

What about red satin hearts?

[Hayley] “Do you think red satin’s a bit …”

[Vicky] “Boudoir. Only if the rest of her room is going to be black …”

[Hayley] “Oh go on then. If she doesn’t ;like them, I’ll put it in our room.”

They then spent many minutes debating whether they buy a rug that they really like. Hayley was worried it wouldn’t go with the carpet – so they’d have to get a new carpet as well – but Vicky points out that all they’d need is Roy and a sander to sort that …

So they get the carpet.

[Hayley] “After all, it’s not every day you welcome your daughter home!”

Aye – but it’d be good to remember that this room is meant to be for your daughter, not for you!

Ruth takes over as Alpha: Sun 24.06.12

The Archers Sunday 24th June 2012
  • David’s alpha skills are found lacking
  • Hayley wants to redecorate
  • Cricket for Women!
  • Rosa’s still a Jamie fan
  • Mother worried about her kids? Get out of the way!

David’s alpha skills are found lacking

Ruth has tried to give David time and space to consider what he’s going to do next.

Well, actually, she’s given him time to agree with her that he shouldn’t be testifying against the gang.

[David] “It’s not that simple.”

[Ruth] “Well it is to me.”

[David] “I can’t.”

[Ruth] “Or you won’t!”

[David] “It wasn’t an easy decision to make.”

[Ruth] “Sorry. Well how are we going to keep out children safe then. Tell me that!”

Later on, round 2:

[Ruth] “Pip’s too frightened to switch on her own phone, and Ben’s still having nightmares … neither of us are getting any sleep.”

[David] “Love, we’ll just have to take it one day at a time.”

But, as Ruth points out, it’ll take months, not days. The earliest David can expect to testify in court is September.

[Ruth] “The thing is, you’re doing this for Adam, right … and if you hadn’t found him, he might have died … me point is that you’ve done everything you could for him, he’s okay now, he’s back and work and moving on with his life … we’ve going to have to keep on living with the consequences …  all because you’re too pig headed and self-righteous to back down.”

David blows a fuse at that one, but can’t get a word in:

[Ruth] “And you won’t back down because of some stupid idiotic principle … I’m sick of it. You’re putting your principles above protecting our children.”

[David] “That is a ridiculous thing to say … can’t you see you are reacting exactly the way they want you to react … they’re cowards, Ruth, I can’t believe they’ll carry out any of their threats.”

But Ruth is quick (and right) to point out that the gang did hit Adam. So they’re not just talking empty threats.

David thinks being sensible, being careful, take precautions and the like will keep everyone safe. Their kids just need to adapt. Ruth can’t believe what she’s hearing – she knows that no matter what, David can’t promise that nothing bad will happen.

[Ruth] “Right that he can’t promise everything will come right!”

[David] “I need you on my side Ruth.”

[Ruth] “But I can’t be.”

[David] “I can’t fight you as well.”

[Ruth] “Well if you want to be a martyr to this cause, you go right ahead. That’s enough, you stand on your moral high   ground, and I hope you   enjoy the   view. You’ll be in your own.”

So mother’s right’s asserted as well as alpha’s. Ruth will phone the Police for advice, and do what she needs to do, and what David isn’t doing.

Hayley wants to redecorate

Phoebe is due home soon.

Hayley’s been hovering Phoebe’s room, and thinks it now looks too childish for her. She mentions to Roy she wants to do a makeover.

Roy thinks it’s a fine idea, but all Hayley had managed to achieve (by the end of the day) was to buy sandpaper and paintbrushes.

She couldn’t make her mind up about what Phoebe would like. Especially as she isn’t aiming just fir a repaint – she wants carpets, curtains, cushions … a whole new style.

[Roy] “This is our Phoebe we’re talking about, we’re not having the Queen to stay … she’ll just be happy to be home.”

But, Hayley’s worried Phoebe will have changed a lot in the last year. Phoebe’s favourite colour was pink, but what is it now?

[Roy] “If I were you, I’d get Vicky on it.”


How will Vicky know more about decorating a room for a young lass?

And anyway – can we foresee problems with (a) Phoebe possibly being not even happy to be home and (b) rather furious that her parents have changed her room without her being involved?

Cricket for Women!

Natalie’s at nets with Jamie, admiring how good Chris is at cricket.

[Jamie] “What are you, the Gabby Logan of cricket?”
But that starts Natalie thinking.

[Natalie] “Every week. And we girls don’t get to play at all.”

[Jamie] “Good job. You might get better than us.”

[Natalie] “Might, we already are!”

I didn’t realise, but there isn’t an Ambridge women’s cricket team, or, in fact, one on the whole league.

Shocking! Even most football teams have a women’s version.

[Natalie] “When we started, it was just a bit of a laugh, joining in with you.”

So, Natalie wants a proper game for her and the young women, and she wants Jamie to ask Alistair to arrange it (eh? That’s not very liberated. Surely she could ask Alistair herself?!?)

Rosa’s still a Jamie fan

That he has a girlfriend doesn’t seem to matter. Rosa will stalk him even when Natalie is there.

[Natalie] “Uh oh. Your little groupie … quick behind the pavilion”

[Jamie] “About time. I’d never thought you’d ask!”

[Natalie] “I have to put up with her rabbiting away, and staring at your bum.”

Natalie does seem less controlling these days, but I hope neither she (nor Rosa) keep rabbits as pets.

Jamie’s just bemused by the attention.

[Jamie] “It is flattering, but I’m not quite Freddie Flintoff’s league. Yet.”

Mother worried about her kids? Get out of the way!

Ruth spoke with the Police. While they have sympathy, there’s nothing they can do. But, they suggest that they could move everyone at Brookfield to a safe house.

Though Ruth does agree with David that she and David can’t leave (they have a farm to run), she does want to move the kids out. And she’s not interested in what David may have to say about that.

[Ruth] “You don’t have a choice, not anymore.”

David wants them all to stay. He wants them together, where he can protect them.

[Ruth] “I’m not prepared to take the risk. It’s done. As soon as I can sort something out, they’ll be gone.”

Bit harsh on David, but looks like there's no point saying anything to Ruth at the moment!

Now Pip’s been threatened: Fri 22.06.12

The Archers Friday 22nd June 2012
  • Pip gets a nasty phone call
  • Freda displays balloons in a rude manner
  • Usha’s 50th birthday party
  • Adam’s birthday surprise

Pip gets a nasty phone call

As David’s on the phone to Pip, asking if she can pick up some hose clips, she hangs off to take another call (which she though was Spencer):

[nasty bloke] “Is that Phillipa Archer? I’ve got a message for your father …”

Next we hear from Pip, she calls Ruth in hysterics. She’s gone home to Brookfield, but no one is there. Ruth rushes back to her.

[Pip] “They they were watching. Watching me and Josh and Ben … He just sounded ordinary I didn’t really have time to think about it.”

Ruth asks Pip not to tell Josh and Ben. Pip becomes hysterical again as David also rushes in to comfort her.

I’m not too sure how they got hold of Pip’s mobile number in the first place, but it’s academic. The Police also can’t trace where the call made to Pip came from.

When Pip leaves David and Ruth to go and calm down:

[Ruth] “How will you stop them?”

[David] “I’ll talk to the police and get advice.”

[Ruth] “How can you get into the minds of people like that? We don’t know what they’re planning.”

[David] “You’re letting your imagination run away with you.”

[Ruth] “And you’re being too laid back.”
David points out that he can’t sit at the window 24/7 with a shotgun.

[David] “I can’t let Adam down, he could have died.”

[Ruth] “And one of our children still could. It’s not worth the risk … Please. Go to the police first thing tomorrow and tell them you won’t do it. Pull out David. This has to stop now.”

Well, that’s the line been drawn.

Which side will David decide to stand on?

Freda displays balloons in a rude manner

Alan and Ruth are decorating Upstairs at The Bull for Usha’s party tonight.

[Alan] “Freda offered, bless her cotton socks, but I wouldn’t put it pass her to cover the tables in doilies and hang balloons in the corners in groups of threes …”

[Ruth] “Two round ones and a long one!”

[Alan] “That’s what she did for Mr Pullen's ninetieth. But the giggles from the over 60s went right over her head!”

Usha’s 50th birthday party

Minus rudely arranged balloons, Alan’s arrange for banners which say “Keep Calm and Party on”, a dozen bottles of bubbly, and a cake (which Elizabeth is collecting. She does do nice things for other peoples sometimes).

Ruth’s then called away by a phone call from Pip (see the first entry above). But the party goes on (Ruth didn’t mention to Alan that, or why, she was leaving).

Later on, as Alan and Usha get ready to leave home for the party, Alan reckons Usha looks fantastic. And he gives her a surprise present, which sounded like pearls.

(if it was, I didn’t see Usha as a pearl necklace type of a lady. I’d have though a modern piece of jewellery – bespoke, clever, subtle – would be more her style)

[Alan] “Like they say, I saw this and I thought of you. You deserve spoiling.”

(well, I stand corrected. Alan knows Usha better than I!)

At the party:

[Usha] “I feel like the Queen standing here as they arrive.”

[Alan] “Well stop it and have a bop!”

They’re playing You’re The One The I Want from Grease. Usha remembers hearing it for the first time when it was first on at the pictures. Which would have been in 1978, when Usha was 16.

Amy then shows up at the party. Usha has forgiven her before Amy even speaks.

[Amy] “I’ve been so stupid.”

Yes you have, but the first step is to be able to recognise it.

Adam’s birthday surprise

Was Amy remembering anyone else exists to wish him a happy birthday!

I jest …

Ian’s plan is to take Adam for a meal at the very posh restaurant of an old chief friend of his, who has done incredibly well for himself, including a Michelin star.

[Ian] “It might act as a springboard to my imagination. You can never rest on your laurels!”

Adam sounded knackered. And was later back in late from work. He has to rush to get ready.

[Adam] “Please don’t say you’ve ironed my shirt, it’ll have more creases in it now than when you started!”

(nice ploy Ian. That’s exactly what I do. Iron badly once, you’ll never be asked to do it again)

But Adam won’t need his shirt, tie and jacket. Ian’s laid out a t-shirt and swimming shorts.

Twigging that the last thing Adam needs is a formal dinner, miles away from home, Ian’s organised a barbeque at home. So it’ll be margaritas, filet mignon, a backrub and a hot tub (for desert).

[Adam] “Yes chef!”

Ah, that Ian really is a marvellous man indeed.

Brookfield’s front page news: Thurs 21.06.12

The Archers Thursday 21st June 2012
  • “Oh noooo.”
  • Alice tends to (a more reasonable?) Amy
  • Josh is scared
  • Moussaka
  • Neil’s doing star jumps
  • David needs to tell Adam

“Oh noooo.”

I love it when Ruth says that. I even have 5 of those “oh noooo” t-shirts!

Anyhoo – the “oh noooo” was uttered by Ruth when she saw the front page headline of The Echo:

Terror on local farm headline

Not amusing at all. Though Josh has found it to be useful. The girls at his school were calling him a hero, because:

[Josh] “ … in this one it looks like I’m the only steward facing the bullocks.”

[David] “And you’re proud of that, are you … makes us look at least inept, and at the very worst completely unprofessional and unsafe … it’s an image of our farm that will stay in everybody’s mind, no matter what it says about vandalism or whatever!”

[Ruth] “For goodness sake David, it’s not Josh’s fault.”

[David] “Well he doesn’t seem that bothered about it …”

The newspaper article has quotes from parents calling Brookfield “incompetent”, and describes how scared, terrified and desperate folks were. Which Ruth reckons all of which is true.

Alice tends to (a more reasonable?) Amy


She’s got wine and a DVD, while Chris escapes to his mum’s to get his birthday present, then onto nets and The Bull.

From the start, it sounded like Amy was coming  back to being ‘normal’ again. She tells Alice of her day at work. Which involved being midwife to a 15 year old, who lives in a care home, birthing partner was a care worker, the father of her child not to be seen, and her own mother not speaking to her.

[Amy] “Kinda puts your own pathetic problems into perspective, doesn’t it?”

Later on:

[Amy] “I’m so ashamed … I’d have stayed with Carl, even though in know he was married with a  little girl, if he told me he’d leave them for me. I’m a monster.”

[Alice] “You were in love.”

[Amy] “You know, the sad thing is, I think his marriage really is a sham … the things he said when he talked his wife, it was all about money really … status, I don’t think he once said he loved her … Usha was right about me all along. I said some horrible hateful; things to her. I didn’t event take her a birthday card, can you believe it … I don’t think I can even face her.”

[Alice] “If it were me, I’d get it over with, as soon as I could.”

I concur.

And hurrah to Amy finally realising she’s not been the most rationale, easy or mature people of late.

Josh is scared

Quite right to be so.

[Josh] “Suppose I’ve accidentally filmed something or somebody.”

Josh handed his camera over to the Police, and he’s worried he did unwittingly film something important, which will mean he has to give evidence. Ruth reckons it won’t come to that, but will ask Usha.

[Josh] “When’s it all going to be over mum?”


My goodness, it was refreshing to hear Amy and Alice just chat about stuff, rather than about Amy … Carl … Usha …

Alice has made Moussaka for Amy, which Amy muchly appreciates. Alice  muchly appreciates Amy being appreciative.

[Alice] “Sometimes the way Chris eats, I swear he hardly notices what it is let alone what it tastes like. It’s not so much eating as posting it down.”

Neil’s doing star jumps

[Adam] “Someone said they spotted Neil doing a few star jumps and press ups before nets”

Now there’s a picture …

Seems Ambridge lost to Paxley, but has high hopes of beating Loxley Barrett this weekend.

But sounds like Neil’s efforts to impress don’t have much chance of winning.

[Adam] “I don’t know if Ifty can work some sort of magic, at his age.”


David needs to tell Adam

As David and Adam are having a pint, Adam mentions that he thinks the bullocks being let loose was only due to vandalism, and that it was probably kids who’d done the damage.

So, he still hasn’t a clue …

David asks Adam about his birthday plans:

[Adam] “Ian’s got plans, apparently they involve a Michelin star … To be honest, I’m doing it for him. It’s lovely, but I know I’m just going to be so tired.”

Adam also mentions that he’s back at work, but not up to full par.

[Adam] “It’s stick to my fingers a bit, if you know what I mean.”

He tells David how much of a “nightmare” it’s been since he was attacked, and how amazing Ian has been in supporting him.

[David] “Well don’t you worry. I’ll be there in court to help nail them.”

What else could David say?

And really, what else can David do but still see this through?

Kenton hasn’t done his homework: Wed 20.06.12

The Archers Wednesday 20th June 2012
  • Lynda’s behaving oddly
  • Sports Vs Culture at the Village Fete committee
  • Ruth’s swithering
  • Matt’s being thoughtful
  • Watch out for Hilary Noakes’ Damson Jam
  • The Ambridge Torch
  • Excuse me, Lynda does the posters!
  • The field has approval
  • Just let Amy go

Lynda’s behaving oddly

[Kenton] “Are you all right? I’d just been wondering whether you’d be struck by lightning or if you’re channelling your inner scarecrow”

[Lynda] “I’m sorry?”

[Kenton] “Lynda, you’re standing stock still in the middle of the village”

[Lynda] “Ah, no … look, there, beyond that oak.”

[Kenton] “Oh yes, birds.”

[Lynda] “Not just birds Kenton, they’re my peregrines and they’re fledglings. What a wonderful sight!”

[Kenton] “Not if you’re a pigeon, I imagine.”

[Lynda] “Oh how very prosaic!”

Lynda was also a bit perturbed Kenton reporting that he often sees the peregrines while he’s outside The Bull. He’s not even remotely interested. But this was the first time she’s seen the fledglings.

Sports Vs Culture at the Village Fete committee

Though Lynda told Kenton that she expected to hear great things about his plans for the sports elements of the Fete, Kenton did take the hint, and so didn’t prepare for the committee meeting.

Silly Kenton.

Half way through the committee meeting, Kenton decides to get everyone a drink. And then has the nerve to ask Matt to take the drink upstairs to the meeting.

[Kenton] “Just tell them I’ve been waylaid by a customer … you do happen to know any good village websites, do you?”

(Surprisingly, Matt agrees to be waiter. He really is in a great mood these days)

Course, Lynda has done her homework. For the Cultural Olympiad part of the fete, Lynda has planned for a dance festival, with the Morris men from Waterley Cross:

[Lynda] “Thereby marrying the sporting with the cultural.”

Compare even just this one example of Lynda’s work to Kenton’s cobbled together ideas.

A tug of war, across the river Am. And Dragon boat racing.

[Kenton] “So many kids are wrapped in cotton wool today; they need to experience a bit of risk and adventure.”

Lynda is horrified that Kenton has put such little thought into the sports.

Actually, I thought his ideas were fine, for starters.

Ruth’s swithering

Ruth told Usha about the threats they’ve been receiving, and the reason for the Open Farm Sunday chaos.

[Usha] “Just stick it out. You’ll be so glad you did.”

[Ruth] “I’m not sure Jill’s so sure. Nor me.”

Uh oh.

Will Ruth let David get to court?

Matt’s being thoughtful

Who’d have thunk it?

After Jolene mentioned to Matt that she and Kenton couldn’t afford to go to New Zealand, Matt then mentioned it to Jill.

[Matt] “Oh well, you can’t always get what you want, as the Rolling Stones once said.”

Later on, Jill is late for the committee meeting because (she claims) she had to pop home to check she’d closed her bedroom windows.

But she’s actually gone back to get her cheque book. She wants to pay for Kenton and Jolene to go to New Zealand.

[Jill] “It’s easy to find excuses to not go to somewhere so far away … you and Meriel deserve to spend some time together … families are what’s important, not money. I’m only too glad I can help.”

Watch out for Hilary Noakes’ Damson Jam

[Lynda] “Jim didn’t realise that Hilary Noakes Damson Jam still has the stones in it.”

Jim now has a chipped tooth, and horrific toothache. He’s even had to miss the Fete committee.

At least Jim’s excuse was better than Vicky’s. She sent a text to Lynda saying:

[Lynda] “ (text from Vicky) “Sorry, suddenly came over all tired, limbs like led, dropped off in armchair” …”

The Ambridge Torch

Not to be outdone by the Olympic Torch, Ambridge shall have its own.

It’ll be part of the opening ceremony of the Fete, and the committee has decided that it’ll be carried round a route that everyone can see and cheer on.

Exciting …!

Excuse me, Lynda does the posters!

[Lynda] “May I interject?”

[Kenton] “Interject away.”

Lynda was a bit put out that at the committee, there was talk of posters being made.

Actually, Lynda and Robert always make the posters (so it would seem). Lynda and Robert have the “latest software”, and Lynda and Robert always make sure the posters using copy which won’t exclude.

Kenton has a lot to learn about who does what when it comes to community projects.

The field has approval

The riverside field that BL gifted to the village had been awarded its deed of dedication, and a plaque is on the way. The committee decided that the field will be dedicated to the Queen.

(how can they have just decided that when the plaque has already been sent?)

Just let Amy go

Usha tells Ruth that Amy didn’t even bother to get her a card for her 50th.

[Ruth] “Silly girl.”

[Usha] “She’s getting her own back. No one likes home truths.”

Usha is worried that now Amy has fled to Alice’s, she’ll next move into sharing a shared flat for good.

[Usha] “We might never get a proper chance to make things up.”

Usha compares this situation to David and Elizabeth.

But no – that doesn’t work.

Elizabeth isn’t speaking to David because she believes David contributed to Nigel dying.

Amy isn’t speaking to Usha because Amy’s boyfriend was married.

Elizabeth is distraught and unreasonable.

Amy is indeed just a silly girl.

Amy hears it from Carl: Tues 19.06.12

The Archers Tuesday 19th June 2012
  • Birthdays galore!
  • Brian’s being decent
  • Before Amy spoke to Carl
  • Amy spoke to Carl
  • After Amy spoke to Carl

Birthdays galore!

It’s Fallon’s today.
Adam and Chris on Friday.
And was Usha’s the other day.

[Alice] “You don’t look very chirpy to say you’ve got a night out planned”

Adam’s just utterly knackered.

Brian’s being decent

But only because Jennifer’s told him to be.

He catches Adam trying to grade lambs (to then be taken to the abattoir).

[Brian] “But it’ll be who ends up in the doghouse if you do yourself a mischief!”

Ah, nothing like a stepfather who genuinely cares for his stepson.

Anyhoo, Brian helps Adam see to the lambs. They set bets on how many lambs will end up being big enough to go to slaughter. The winner gets pints of shires.

Brian even makes sure Adam sits down to eat (Jennifer has sent them over a fruitcake).

[Brian] “You know what she’s like. She’ll probably carry on an inspection when we get back!”

Before Amy spoke to Carl

[Alice] “I hope the canteen’s decent.”

(my oh my, what priorities Alice has! She wants a decent cuppa while her best mate is having to front up to the man who broke her heart.)

Alice has driven Amy to carl’s work.

[Amy] “If Carl and I get back together … he’s a good man, I’m sure of it … I just want to be sure you’ll be okay about him and me.”

Hmmm …

Amy spoke to Carl

For starters, Carl made Amy wait in reception for him.

When he did ordain to come down to see her, he bundles Amy off into the car park. Then shouts at her.

[Carl] “What the hell do you think you’re playing at Amy?”

[Alice] “I know … I’m sorry … I had to talk to you.”

[Carl] “And you didn’t think to call first and ask to meet up?”

[Amy] “Would you have answered my call? I didn’t want to come here. I had thought we could talk at your apartment …”

(she tells him that she knows he wasn’t there last week, which he twigs means she’s been stalking him)

[Carl] “Look, Amy, why don’t you give me a call in a day or so … meet up for a cup of coffee … I can’t do this, this is ridiculous. Anyone could come out here.”

But as he also happens to need a cigarette, he agrees to stand a bit away with her to talk.

(I’m on day 9 of not smoking, by the way … still hard to even hear other folks talking about them smoking)

[Carl] “So what do you want from me … what do you want me to say?”

[Amy] “It’s not like I expect some sort of explanation … it’s me who should explain.”

Which she does. Amy tells Carl it’s her fault for pushing Carl too fast. That he was the first man who meant anything to her.

[Amy] “You’re special. And I realise it was stupid to push you like that … a man like you, I know you’ve got commitments.”

[Carl] “Amy, have you come here today to ask me to take you back?”

[Amy] “Yes … of course, I didn’t think … I didn’t think that you’d need time to break it to your wife.”

Carl starts laughing at Amy.

Amy then tells him that she knows he has a daughter.

Carl starts to get annoyed.

[Carl] “Have you been following me?”

He demands to be reassured that Amy hasn’t spoken to his wife and kid, and that she won’t ever have contact with them.

[Amy] “I can wait …”

[Carl] “You really are a piece of work, do you know that … why, in your wildest dream, do you imagine I’ve leave Rochelle for you … Rochelle is a top paid, highly qualified lawyer. She’s beautiful intelligent and well respect. We live in a lovely house in one of  the most sought after areas in the county. We have lots if high flying, influential and important friends. Why would I pack all that in for a midwife, in the NHS, with a vicar for a dad?”

[Amy] “But I love you!”

[Carl] “And? … you really are that naive,. Aren’t; you!?!”

[Amy] “Doesn’t that mean anything to you? Someone saying they love you means nothing?”

[Carl] “You don’t what love means.”

[Amy] “Do you?”

[Carl] “Go home Amy. We’re done.”

[Amy] “How can you go from that, from being so gentle and romantic and living to being so cruel?”

[Carl] “I’ve gotta go.”

[Amy] “How do you know you know I won’t tell your wife what you are?”

[Carl] “Do you think she’d take any notice of you?… she’d take you to court for slander or may just think you were some deluded stalker with a crush on her devoted husband,. Which you are.”

[Amy] “You bastard!”

(at last!!!!!!!)

After Amy spoke to Carl

Back in Alice’s Carl, Amy is a bit upset … to say the least.

[Amy] “I hate him … all that stuff he said to me, everything, it was just a lie … he didn’t mean any of it, he played me. He used me. How could he do that to me?”

Well, at least the penny has finally dropped for Amy.

Maybe she can go back to be a nice, stable, normal, sane young lady again. We can just never talk of her teenage tantrums ever again.

Jill tells David what to do: Mon 18.06.12

The Archers Monday 18 June 2012
  • Matt has a cunning ploy
  • Kenton wants to visit Meriel
  • Jill has a big BUT

Matt has a cunning ploy

Thought that might have been the case.

He asked Darrell to help lift the new kitchen units in at the site. And not to ask for a receipt …

[Matt] “Not that I have to explain myself to you, do I?”

[Darrell] “No, course not.”

When Darrell later on took in the delivery, he was a bit perturbed that the chap wanted cash. And that the van was just a white one – he was expecting the delivery to be from a proper company, with branded vans.

(as an aside, why it that dodgy geezers in Ambridge are also intensely patronising? The chap driving the white, unbranded van was yet another example)

When Darrell later asked Matt about the white van:

[Matt] “A mate who sometimes work for himself, it keep my costs down. … I don’t pay you to wonder Darrell, I pay you to do what I ask!”

Aye Darrell – your Matt’s man now!

Kenton wants to visit Meriel

[Kenton] “In a  year or two she’ll be off with her mates, she won’t want to spend a whole day pandering to her dad.”

Kenton had mentioned he wanted to go to New Zealand a few months back, but Jolene deftly sidestepped it. Though she understood Kenton wanted to see his kid, and though Sid’s daughter and grandson are there, it’s really not been that long since Sid died, in New Zealand.

This time, Jolene tells Kenton to have a look at prices. Which is tantamount to putting another block on the trip … though Jolene does feel some guilt. For whatever reason, Jolene later told Matt (she and Matt are hardly the best of pals):

[Jolene] “Kenton’s so gutted, I can tell.”

Jill has a big BUT

The day after the bullocks were set running free at Brookfield’s Open Farm Sunday, Jill’s over to help with the clear up.

David answers the phone:

[Jill] “It’s not one of those silly people from yesterday who wanted to sue?”

No, it was the Police.

David tells Jill that the bullocks didn’t get because of vandalism:

[David] “It was sabotage.”

Seems the Police can’t do anything (again) as there’s no evidence (again), though they have taken Josh’s film camera in case he recorded anything important without knowing.

And George is just fine:

[Jill] “His little legs were still wobbling when they took him home … I can’t believe anyone would do something that cruel … knowing there were children here”

(‘will nobody think of the children’ … goodness me!!!)

[Ruth] “That’s why they did it.”

[Jill] “Ruth, that would have been tantamount to murder!”

Then Jill gets down to business with David. Whether he wanted to or not.

[Jill] “I’m very proud of you for coming forward …and I’m sure your father would have been very proud too.”

[David] “I hope he would.”

[Ruth] “Phil believed very strongly in civic duty”

[David] “And standing up for what you believe in.”

[Jill] “Those are all wonderful qualities David …”

[David] “Mum there’s obviously a but in here somewhere.”

[Jill] “I’d just like you to stop and think a moment … the circumstances have changed …”

[David] “No. Nothing has changed. These criminals hit Adam over the head and left him to die.”

[Jill] “I want you think about Ruth and the children and their safety.”

[David] “They will be a hell of a lot safer if these violent criminals are behind bars.”

[Jill] “If, if …”

David asserts that he and Ruth have talked it through, and that they both agree David needs to go to court. And “see it through to the end.”

[David] “Isn’t that right, Ruth?”

Uh oh.

Silence from Ruth when David said that …

The horror, the humanity – it’s Open Farm Sunday 2012: Sun 17.06.12

The Archers Sunday 17 June 2012
  • A horrible Open Farm Sunday for Brookfield
  • It’s also Father’s Day
  • And it’s also Usha’s birthday
  • Emma and Neil’s grand day out

A horrible Open Farm Sunday for Brookfield

It all started so well.

David, Ruth, Pip, Josh and Ben were in good spirits, well organised, and it even sounded like it wasn’t raining!

There was to be a speech from David on “plough to plate”, pots for the kids to have cream in, which they could shake to make into butter and then spread on scones:

[Ruth] “If they have a spare three hours!”

Though they will all still aware that extra caution was required after the recent threats from the gang who attacked Adam. The stewards had to be particularly well briefed:

[David] “Make absolutely sure everyone is on message”

Emma was also nervous about leaving George and Ed at Brookfield while she and Keira went had a day out with Neil.

Turns out Emma was quite right to be worried.

Just as David was telling the visitors about the cows being milked, there was a loud bang.

[David] “Whoops, there goes my sister’s father in law in his old banger … sorry, Riley”

(why David didn’t immediately connect the band to the gang is a mystery)

Ed then started frantically shouting for everyone to get into the Orchard.

The bullocks were loose, and storming their way.

There was then screaming, shouting and George being daft enough not to stay put (Ed got to him in time).

No one was hurt. The closest to harm had been:

[David] “A few idiots taking snaps on their mobiles.”


[David] “One of two of them muttering darkly about lawyers … how the hell did they get out?”

Later on:

[David] “It’s the gang, isn’t it?”

Seems they’d made a gap in the fence, and set off a firework to get the bullocks running.

[Pip, crying] “How can anyone be that cruel … How dare they sabotage our open farm Sunday like this, how dare they! They all could have been hurt!”

So the Police are called again.

(though we did know something bad was going to happen when David previously had said it was going to be an Open Farm Sunday to remember)

It’s also Father’s Day

David got a beer from a microbrewery, and toast for breakfast.

Which Ben then burnt.

(the toast, not the beer)

George was allowed to make two cards at school, so nor arguments between Ed and Will.

And Neil had a day out with Emma.

But Amy didn’t send or give Alan a card.

And it’s also Usha’s birthday

[David] “Just think, half century!”

[Ruth] “Just as long as you don’t phrase it that way to her.”

Again, Amy didn’t show up with or send a card.

Emma and Neil’s grand day out

For Father’s day, Emma took Neil out for lunch, while Susan and Tracey were treating Bert to a Sunday roast. (no mention of Chris, though).

Neil didn’t exactly sound too thrilled at spending the day with Emma. Even though she said that as she’d been given a fair amount of tips at a wedding she’d worked at (one assumes Lower Loxley, “money was no object”.

Might have had something to do with there being a cricket match on that he could have gone to …

Funnily enough, Neil wants to go to Paxley. Emma spots Chris, Tom and Roy passing by in a car:

[Emma] “What are the chances dad?”

Hmmm …

After Emma gave Neil a row for getting texts from Richard Thwaite (who’s on the cricket team), and after they’d had a meal, Emma and Neil took a wee stroll. …

[Neil] “What’s behind the hedge … it’s Paxley cricket ground!”

[Emma] “Oh, you poor thing, why didn’t you say?”

Very surprisingly, but Emma (a) took Neil to watch the rest of the match and (b) genuinely sounded like she would have taken Neil there in the first place if Neil had told her.


Emma does a nice thing for someone else!

Darrell gets a promotion Fri 15.06.12

The Archers Friday 15 June 2012
  • Positive vibes about Open Farm Sunday
  • Chris can’t get into his own toilet
  • Matt appreciates Darrell
  • Brookfield had chilli and rice

Positive vibes about Open Farm Sunday

David, Ruth and their brood were getting ready for Open Farm Sunday. They decided to go ahead, despite the gang and their sneaky threats.

Actually, David and Ruth sounded quite excited.

They have a grand all time looking at the photos Josh has arranged to be displayed. Rather than use the same ones as last year (as Pip wanted), he’s gone back through all of their photos to get those memory lane types.

[Ruth] “Suddenly I’m beginning to appreciate how many adventures we’ve had here … Brookfield’s magic moments.”

[Pip, still put out the photos weren’t her idea] “According to Josh!”

For the bid day itself:

[Pip] “You never know, the best of Ambridge might turn up.”

[David] “Well that would be competition for Bert”

While they’re all being so positive, David also announces he’s booked them a table at The Bull on Saturday to take a break from all their planning, and celebrate Ruth’s birthday (which actually sounded very much like a second thought!).

[David] “Are you happy?”

[Ruth] “Very. I’m glad we didn’t back out. Feels so good when we all come together.”

[David] “You know, I’ve got an inkling Sunday’s going to be a day to remember.”


We all know that it’s likely to be remembered for all the wrong reasons.

Chris can’t get into his own toilet

When Amy stormed out of the vicarage, she went to Alice and Chris’.

Chris is not amused. He was already irritated that Amy was always over, and now he hasn’t been able to get into his bathroom for 25 minutes!

[Alice] “Yeah, well it’s different for girls.”

Alice told Amy that she could stay. For a “while”.

[Chris] “How long is a while?”

Later on, Alice missed a wind vibration experiment because she was with Amy. Again.

Alice’s point is that Amy is in a very bad way. Amy isn’t sleeping or eating. As Amy’s friend, Alice has to help. That Amy was (unwittingly) having an affair with a married man is also something obvious very close to Alice’s home (having Brian as a father).

[Alice] “I just want to protect her.”

[Chris] “You can’t though … she’s just got to work through it, move on.”

So – Alice’s plan H is to try and get Amy and Carl to meet up again, so that Amy can see for herself how much of a “loser” Carl is.

Maybe then, Amy can move on.

Here’s hoping (for all our sakes).

Matt appreciates Darrell

It would seem so.

Matt called Darrell into the office. Darrell was worried that Matt was about to sack him. That Matt had just been shouting at someone else on the phone didn’t help matters:

[Matt] “Sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind in business .. .sometimes you just have to be cruel!”

But Darrell needed have worried. Matt had only good news for him – he’s been promoted to site manager.

[Darrell] “Seriously?”

[Matt] “I’m not really in a joking mood today.”

What’s more, Darrell’s position was to be formal and “above board”.

[Matt] “And if you accept, I do hope we can continue to develop a fruitful working relationship. If that doesn’t sound top slushy. So, what you do you say?”

[Darrell] “Erm, I do!”

Matt then wants to take Darrell for another pint, despite there still being work to be done.

What’s going on? Why the nice guy act from Matt? He’s surely up to something.

Brookfield had chilli and rice

Cooked by Ruth.

I really am obsessed about Ruth’s cooking. It is always a shock when you don’t hear the ping of a microwave in the background …

Neil has a good and bad day: Thurs 14.06.12

The  Archers Thursday 14th  June 2012
  • Neil’s spotted the Ambridge Beast
  • Neil’s a hungry chap
  • Fancy donuts from America
  • Ifty goes into Susan’s bad book
  • Neil’s off the cricket team
  • The Barbeque doesn’t get Adam’s mojo back
  • Usha shouts at Amy

Neil’s spotted the Ambridge Beast

Neil bursts in at home with earth shattering news. Though Susan makes him put his boots on newspaper first …

[Neil] “Lynda’s monster. I’ve seen it. It’s a wild boar, a proper beast. The beast of Ambridge … massive it is, body dark grey, face is speckled white and it has tusks.”

[Neil] “(he’d seen it at Nightingale Farm) right outside the house, bold as brass Looked me straight in me eye, and then ran off towards the gardens.”

[Susan] “Oh Neil, well this is a scoop … you’ve solved the mystery of the monster!”

[Neil] “Might not be so lucky for my pigs. I’ll have to make extra sure they’re penned in tonight, I don’t want to risk any cross breeding.”

Well. That’s that then? Though I wouldn’t be so quick to pen up the pigs - could be a while new business venture.

Susan is beyond herself with glee.

[Susan] “It’s a moment in history … the moment the monster was identified by you!”

Neil’s a hungry chap

He got quite irritated that his lunch wasn’t ready there and then.

And sounds like he tucked into a 3 course dinner later on.

Fancy donuts from America

Keith brought them for Brad and Chelsea, Tracey gave them to Susan as:

[Susan] “Tracey reckons the sugar makes the kids even more hyper than usual.”

Neil enjoyed them. He really didn’t stop eating today.

By-the-by - what sort of donut were they on about?

Ifty goes into Susan’s bad book

Oh dear.

First, Susan is embarrassed that Tracey has been chasing after Ifty.

[Susan] “I can do without her making a spectacle of herself.”

Then she heard Neil was off the cricket team …

Neil’s off the cricket team

Or at the very least, sounds like he’s being rested for a bit.

After making her point to Ifty the other day that Neil didn’t want to leave the team, when Alistair called to talk to Neil, Susan assumed it was because Alistair was resigning – and Neil would be captain.

[Susan] “You are the elder statesman.”

But no.

[Neil] “I’ve lost my place in the team, Susan”

Seems the Ambridge Cricket team doesn’t need Neil’s “stature and experience”. And he has too many bad habits that are now too ingrained.

[Neil] “Suppose I’ll have to face the fact that I’m not as quick as I was, not as sharp … the glory days, are in the past.”

[Susan] “I’ll be the judge of that!”

Susan asks if anyone has been dropped:

[Susan] “I bet you that Iftikhar is at the bottom of this … he wants his favourites in the side … the team was doing fine before he turned up … he barged in like a bull in a china shop … and he’s been leading our Tracey a merry dance … oh, size of one Neil … mark my words, this Ifty's bad news. I can feel it!”

Phew! The wind doesn’t change as often as Susan’s mind.

The Barbeque doesn’t get Adam’s mojo back

At the pickers’ barbeque:

[Ian] “I’ve tasted weaker absinthe”

[Adam] “Well, she does call it the devil in disguise”

Adam’s on drinks, Brian’s on cooking meat. Seems Brian was beyond excitement about using the new tongs Jennifer had bought for him.

Adam seems to be enjoying himself at first, but Ian later finds him trying to get a rest, and also feeling quite sorry for himself.

[Adam] “This is my event, I’m supposed to be in charge, and I can’t even pour drinks properly.”

Usha shouts at Amy

Amy seems to be constantly regressing into her teens.

Today, she’d left a mess. Usha found her sat on the settee in the mess.

[Usha] “Look if you don’t want to talk to me fine, but we have to share this place and I expect you to clear up after yourself.”

[Amy] “What’s the point? You only end up rearranging it … you’re a control freak, you run this house, your try and run dad, thing is, you can’t run me”

[Usha] “Well I am sick of your rudeness”

[Amy] “I don’t care.”

Later on:

[Usha] “Sulk over?”

[Amy] “I’m not interested in listening to you”

[Usha] “You’re punishing me because I didn’t know what the right thing to do was … would you have believed me … you would have twisted it some way and hated me for interfering … Look, I’m tired of being blamed when the person you should be blaming is getting off scot free … I’m not taking it anymore, I understand you’re hurting, but you’ve got to get a grip on your life.”

[Amy] “You can’t speak to me like this!”

[Usha] “But you can speak to me however you want, you can do whatever you want?”

Amy gets to leave:

[Usha] “You can’t just walk out!”

But she does.

I wouldn’t have complained about that is I was Usha. Better to be shot of Amy in her current state.

Monday, 25 June 2012

Amy really is a scary stalker: Wed 13.06.12

The Archers Wednesday 13th June 2012
  • David’s teas are worse than Ruth’s?
  • There’s no point talking to her, Alan
  • David must testify
  • What a cliché!

David’s teas are worse than Ruth’s?

Now that takes some taking. It’s a marvel their three kids have had enough sustenance to grow.

Ruth’s was off out tonight, so Ben reckons David sorting tea will mean sandwiches.

Poor Ben.

There’s no point talking to her, Alan

[Alan] “I’m saying atmosphere’s not good for anyone … she is not a bad person,. She would never intentionally hurt you.”

Alan tells Amy she’s destroying their family, and asks her to sit down and talk with him and Usha.

But no.

The silly wee brat won’t.

Now there’s a surprise.

[Amy] “Usha lied to me and she thinks I go out with married men. The truth is, that relationship, it meant something to me dad”


Later, Usha to Ruth:

[Usha] “Apparently someone once described stepchildren as in-laws who you have to love but who actually hate you.”

[Ruth] “That bad, eh?”

Oh yes.

Alan tells Usha what happened earlier on:

[Alan] “I was trying to talk to her, she wouldn’t engage, she just went.”

He’s been trying to call her since, but Amy isn’t answering. The hospital has also been trying to get in touch about her shifts.

I hate to say it – but I really couldn’t care less what’s happened to Amy. Just as long as we get a wee bit of peace from her …

David must testify

So reckoned Usha, when Ruth told her about what’s been happening at Brookfield.

Seems everything has calmed down for a bit. Ben isn’t having nightmares, and with Ed and Bert also in on the bad doings, Ruth feels a bit safer being part of a crowd.

She wants to now go ahead with Open Farm Sunday. What with the Police, and the stewards, she thinks the gang won’t do anything.

However, Ruth’s now thinking ahead to the court case:

[Ruth] A big part of me wants David to pull out.”

[Usha] “To not testify? You can’t do that … what kind of world will Josh and Ben grown up in if people like David don’t do the right thing?”

(what about Pip?)

[Ruth] “Who will protect me kids Usha?”

Simples, reckons Usha.

David tells the truth in court. The bad men get jailed.

[Usha] “You will come out of this stronger Ruth. You, David and the kids.”

Either which way, Ruth feels better for sharing. And is muchly looking forward to Usha’s birthday party.

[Ruth] “I feel like I’ve been living in this weird bubble.”

What a cliché!

Very irritating, but Alice tracked down Amy.

She called while Amy was listening to Christina Aguilera’s I Am Beautiful.

Amy was sobbing as she talked down the phone to Alice.

She had gone to the café she and Carl (once) went to.

And was now sat outside Carl’s flat.

[Amy] “He hasn’t shown up. I’ve been here since 6 o’ clock. Where is he Alice? Why isn’t Carl here? I can’t let him go. I just can’t …”

Oh goodness me!

Alice tells Amy to stay put. She’s on her way to take Amy back to hers.

Chris will be happy about that (!).

That Amy also needs to try and be original once in a while.

Alice still on about Amy: Tues 12.06.12

The Archers Tuesday 12th June 2012
  • Alice is (still) on heat
  • The pollen is still annoying Lynda
  • Tracey’s stalking Ifty
  • Lynda tells Will she saw his will…
  • Rosa’s stalking Jamie
  • Jamie to learn chainsaw!
  • PLEASE change the tune, Amy

Alice is (still) on heat

(seriously … there’s something in the water)

As Chris makes a “wide pair of webbed shoes” for a “four year old with collapsed heels” (one assumes that’s horsey talk!), Alice has her mind on other things:

[Chris] “It gets pretty hot in the forge.”

[Alice] “I know it does. Remember I like you all sweaty.”

Later on, as Alice wakes Chris up during a post-work nap:

[Chris] “Alice, I haven’t had my dinner yet.”

[Alice] “I must be more appealing than a plate of pasta!”

[Chris] “Of course you are, but not as calorific.”

But Alice can’t ‘do’ later on. Amy’s coming round … so Chris goes to nets instead.

The pollen is still annoying Lynda

Quite “vehemently”, actually.

Lynda swears by honey.

[Lynda] “They say a spoonful a day keeps the pollen away.”

Tracey’s stalking Ifty

As Ifty keeps getting texts:

[Lynda] “You alright Iftikar? You suddenly look rather wan.”

At nets:

[Chris] “What’s aunty Tracey doing?”

Would seem Tracey was stalking round the pitch, trying to get Ifty’s attention.  While still texting him.

(adult) Bunny Boiler …

Lynda tells Will she saw his will…


(sorry – that’s a bad one, but couldn’t resist!)

[Will] “I haven’t seen you in ages.”

[Lynda] “No, no it has been a whole since I’ve seen you in the flesh, I mean, actually seen you …”

Will’s none the wiser until later on. He bumps into Lynda as she’s just leaving The Bull:

[Lynda] “Robert’s got a Rioja and a bag of pistachios waiting for me.”

[Will] “Any luck spotting the beast … I’m sure you’ll see something interesting sooner or later.”

[Lynda] “The cameras do suggest that there are wild animals out there, but they’re not what I expected. It’s amazing what does on in the woods after dark, mother nature’s quite a draw you know, for all strange bodies …”

[Will] “Oh! I think I’ll just get my pint …”

Poor Will.

Lynda seemed to really enjoy revealing what he and Nic had revealed to her …

Rosa’s stalking Jamie

Jamie’s at nets, so Rosa is also at nets.

[Rosa] “Why she giving me evils?”

[Jamie] “That’s Natalie, she’s my girlfriend.”

But Rosa doesn’t seem to mind or care.

(junior) Bunny boiler …

Jamie to learn chainsaw!

I wouldn’t have felt safe even just saying that a few months back.

What  changed lad he is.

Seems he really enjoyed working with Mike, and is chuffed as punch to be going on a one day chainsaw course.

PLEASE change the tune, Amy

Amy and Alice are having a drink out.

Amy starts on about how she keeps noticing the couples, and how she missed being part of one:

[Amy] “The everyday boring normality of being in a relationship.”

(what?!? She was only with Carl for 5 minutes)

Amy recalls the time she and Carl had breakfast in 9what sounds like) a greasy spoon:

[Amy] “I remember thinking I didn’t need anything or anyone else, it was just perfect.”

[Alice, getting frustrated] “The truth is Carl cheated on his wife, and he got found out.”

[Amy] “Well that’s your interpretation …”

Amy’s new theory is that the child Carl has with his wife isn’t actually his, and that he’s in the process of splitting up with his wife anyway.

[Alice] “Amy, I’m not saying this to hurt you, but Carl split up with you. He’s chosen her.”

[Amy] “How would you feel if this happened to you and Chris … you can’t be sure.”

[Alice] “Amy, what is it going to take for you to accept that Carl is a player?”

[Amy] “Maybe I’ll only believe it if Carl tells me himself.”

Oh for the love of god!

Get Carl to tell her, and make Amy shut up and grow up!

Chris certainly agrees with me. When Alice bumps him yet again for Amy:

[Alice] “You and me can see each other anytime.”

[Chris] “That’s not the point … no, you can’t keep dropping everything because Amy’s feeling down.”

[Alice] “… she can’t cope on her own. I thought you understood.”

[Chris] “Well I’ve had enough, no Alice, this is Amy’s mess not yours. So just back off.”

Good on you Chris!

Ben’s having nightmares Mon 11.06.12

The Archers Monday 11th June 2012
  • Blood everywhere
  • Didn’t he have a lovely time with Lilian!
  • Beware of Matt bearing gifts

Blood everywhere

Is what Ben’s been seeing in his nightmares.

David and Ruth also told Josh (as well as Pip) about the threats. Josh had seen the Police arriving when he was leaving for school. Now he’s back home sick from school with a headache.

Though they haven’t told Ben, David and Ruth have had to tell Bert (so Freda as well), Ed and Emma (for Keira’s sake).

Seems the Police have also been telling Brookfield not to go ahead with Open Farm Sunday.

[Ruth] “It’s different now … I think we need to pull out.”

Didn’t he have a lovely time with Lilian!

Lilian’s round at Adam’s to cheer him up.

She gave him the “ultimate spa collection”

Put Hattie from BAFF into perspective:

[Lilian] “(Jennifer) was on about a boycott, made it sound like economic sanctions … the Hattie’s of this world will soon will find something else to get wound up about … leaflets, it’s hardly the poll tax riots!”

Fed him lovely food:

[Lilian] “Did you like the chorizo, flown in especially from Valencia?”

[Adam] “Today’s been lovely, there’s nothing better than being spoilt by my favourite aunt.”
And gees him up when he starts feeling guilty about not having done more to stop the Super Dairy. She tells him to get up, get out, and look after his pickers. They have a barbeque coming up:

[Lilian] “It sounds like exactly what you need to get your mojo back!”


I want an aunt like Lilian!

Beware of Matt bearing gifts

First he’s OTT when complimenting Darrell on some of the carpentry he’s done.

Then he asks Darrell to do the skirtings in his office.

Later, in The Bull, Matt buys Darrell a pint.

Then gives him a cash bonus. Which Darrell tries to refuse, but matt insists.

[Matt] “Just remember, where women are concerned, Always useful to keep them sweet … which is why keeping my little mark of appreciation to yourself.”

What’s he up to now?

Sticky Wicket 2012 10.06.12

The Archers Sunday 10th June 2012
  • Tracey makes more moves on Ifty
  • The pollen count keeps Lynda away
  • Elona and Darrell’s daughter Rosa
  • Ambridge cricket team won!
  • Jamie and Roy in the final
  • Mike gave Jamie a job

Tracey makes more moves on Ifty

Tracey’s managed to get a deckchair next to Ifty, and is trying to show her cricketing knowledge. Which includes shouting at the Umpire that he got his decision wrong (Neil out to Harry):

[Tracey] “I’ll have a word of it later. He proper muffed it … problem is, I take my cricket seriously me. Reckon if brad and Chelsea hadn’t come along,. I’d have joined the barmy army … captain of the netball team in the juniors, wing attack …”

She then gets hot. Has to take her cardigan off. And asks Ifty to rub in some sun lotion …

[Ifty, sound exasperated] “Tracey, we’re in Ambridge, not Ayia Napa”

Later on, Ifty doesn’t even want Tracey’s prawns:

[Tracey] “…and they’ve got cheese. Cheese never harmed anyone, did it?”

Probably not. But scalding hot tea does harm one when it’s dropped onto their knee.

Which Tracey does to Ifty.

Yup. He’ll be hers in no time.

The pollen count keeps Lynda away

I’ll bet the rest of the Ambridge residents wish they’d know it was that easy years ago!

Elona and Darrell’s daughter Rosa

Rosa started speaking near the secret microphones today. And made quite an impact.

She first got told to “joy off to the rest of the kids” when she interrupted Tracey’s attempted flirtations with Ifty.

[Rosa] “I’m not a kid. I have a job!”

Indeed you do. With Mike, bottling. When she later has a chat with (at!) Mike about Ifty:

[Rosa] “I heard looked like he was in a boyband … that’s the old bloke who gave me a deckchair!”

But, Rosa definitely does like Jamie:

[Rosa] “I’ve enjoyed watching you play, I er, haven’t been able to keep my eyes off you”

Jamie sounded quite pleased to hear that. Not sure his girlfriend Natalie will be …

Ambridge cricket team won!

Against the Borchester Old Boys by 4 runs.

Good good.

Jamie and Roy in the final

Jamie won!

Well done Jamie. Well done indeed. Sid would be bursting with pride.

Mike gave Jamie a job

Clearing and logging timber on the estate with Mike. He seems really chuffed about that.

It also means he’s working for the same boss as Rosa:

[Rosa] “He can be a bit gruff, but he’s a big softy really.”