Ed’s not providing: Mon 08.10.12

The Archers Monday 8th October 2012

• Even the guinea pig doesn’t want those biscuits
• Fallon’s still depressed
• Lynda’s (forcibly) recruiting
• Jim’s had a late night
• David tries to support Ed
• Britain in Bloom rumbles on
• Ed has chocolate, and remembers the carefree days

Even the guinea pig doesn’t want those biscuits

Things are still very grim and Ed and Emma’s.

There’s not enough bread. Now not enough soup. And only just enough cheese for Ed to have a tiny wee bit.

But he can have some biscuits.

The horrible ones that neither Ed nor George like – even the guinea pig doesn’t want them.

For pity sake – GO BACK TO WORK EMMA!!!!


Fallon’s still depressed

Now that Jolene and Kenton are back, Fallon no longer has the freedom to manage The Bull as she’s wish to.

Though I suspect her depression might have something to do with Rhys being away in Wales.


Lynda’s (forcibly) recruiting

Lynda’s after both Kenton and Fallon to star in her village extravaganza.

[Lynda] “Marvellous, I can kill two birds in one bar.”

[Kenton] “I hope not, we’ve only just the carpet cleaned.”

I think (especially Kenton) will take a heck of a lot of persuading.

He doesn’t sound keen at all.


Jim’s had a late night

He and Jazzer sat up late last night watching their film. And drinking lager.

And doesn’t Jim feel awful today!

He reckons Jazzer and he are “brainwashing” each other.


David tries to support Ed

[David] “I don’t think it’s ever been tougher than this year.”

Though David admits both Phil and Dan would have also said the same about any of their years.

Only difference is the sheer cost of living these days.

Obviously spotting that not all’s well at Ed and Emma’s, David tells Ed he can talk to him anytime he likes.

[David quoting Dan] “And may the weather be kinder to farmers.”

Well, think Ed needs more than a bit of sunshine.


Britain in Bloom rumbles on

It may be over for the rest of us, but Lynda still has Britain in Bloom very much in mind.

She’s giving Kenton a row about not keeping The Bull’s outside as tidy as it could be.

After all, Ambridge is going to get a plaque for placing this year.


Ed has chocolate, and remembers the carefree days

Fallon catches Ed coming out of the village shop, gulping down a chocolate bar.

[Fallon] “And they make out chocolate’s a girl thing!”

Seems Ed is wishing for more carefree times. They get onto how he used to sing in their band. Now he doesn’t even sing in the shower.

[Ed] “I can’t believe we were in a band … young, free, single.”

[Fallon, not exactly revelling in being single] “You can have too much of a good thing.”

[Ed] “You can too little as well  …”

Though Ed loves Emma, and being a family, it’s not exactly a barrel of laughs at the moment.

[Ed] “It’s just, it’s tough working it all out, right now, it’s  … look, don’t say this to anyone … right now the business isn’t paying its way. I’ve had to cut what I’m I;m paying myself and things are pretty tight … I hate feeling I’m not providing for them. I hate letting them down … if working harder would make any difference, it’s what I’d do … and Will, he just flashes his money all around …”

Oh dear.

Ed really is hitting rock bottom.

David and Elizabeth, back together again: Thurs 13.09.12

The Archers Thursday 13th September 2012

• Jim shares his shed secret with Lynda
• If it was a choice between Mike or the baby …
• Elizabeth walks in on David
• Ambridge got a Bronze
• Squirrel!

Jim shares his shed secret with Lynda

The village is still agog with tales of odd happenings in Jim’s shed.

[David] “Smoke pouring out of the door, and Jim rushing in with a bucket of water”

Later, Jim reveals that he’s been building a  … drum roll … Greek/Roman oven

Clever Jim.

That’s what he’s been building in his shed. Though it’s only Lynda who gets to know his secret (so mind and not tell anyone else).


If it was a choice between Mike or the baby …

Neil’s a good mate

Neil makes sure he bumps into Mike, the makes sure Mike meets him later on for a chat.

Which is exactly what Mike needs. Someone to talk to.

[Mike] “Keep thinking I’m going to wake up … find out it’s all going to be a bad dream … never realised how happy I was, until this happened.”

Mike talks to Neil about how he and Vicky can’t talk.

[Mike] “Nothing seems to come natural. It’s like we’re both trying to fill the silence, somehow … all I can think about is how can we possibly manage, it’s like a dark cloud over me all the time … is it fair on the child … bringing it into the world.”

[Neil] “And you can’t say that to her?”

[Mike] “She can’t even think about it. She wants the baby Neil. I just wish I could turn the clock back.”

[Neil] “I know it’s not what either of you would have chosen, but it’s happened … and maybe there’s one thing you need to remember in all this … Vicky; made you so happy these last few years … she changed everything, didn’t she … so if you try to insist that she has a termination, won’t you risk losing her.”

[Mike] “I know. I just can’t imagine life without her.”

[Neil] “If she wants to have this baby, nothing’s going to stop her.”

[Mike] “That’s what scares me.”

Indeed.

Mike or the baby – it’d be the baby for Vicky, every time.


Elizabeth walks in on David
David sneaks in to see Freddie while Elizabeth is out, and has a grand time cheering him up by being so bad at playing a football computer game.

Elizabeth must have come home early, and it must have been a shock to see David there, but she didn’t throw him out. She insisted he stay.

Freddie squarely beats David at the computer game, to which Elizabeth remarks that David is a better loser these days. She remembers what he was like when the family played board games at Christmas.

[Elizabeth] “You’d get really annoyed if I beat you then.”

[David] “What? It was you! If you didn’t get Park lane or Mayfair, you’d tip the board over.”

[Freddie] “I just can’t believe how you managed without computer games”

As David gets to go, Elizabeth walks him out, and thanks him.

[Elizabeth] “Freddie seems so much brighter for seeing you.”

[David] “I can’t tell you what it’s meant to be here again Elizabeth. I’ve missed you.”

[Elizabeth] “Me too.”

Phew!

Thank goodness that’s over.

Now the Archer clan (Phil/Jill branch) can be a proper clan again.

Lucky thing that, what with Christmas approaching.


Ambridge got a Bronze

In Britain in Bloom. Which Lynda is delighted with, and sees as “credible”.

They even got a certificate!

[Lynda] “We thought it should take pride of place in the village hall so everyone could share in its glory.”

Quite right,

Well done Ambridge.


Squirrel!

(seriously, if you haven’t seen the film Up – please do so soon. Especially recommended for dog owners. And you’ll also understand why I get so excited when anyone mentions squirrel!)

Scruff runs of barking while Jim and Lynda are chatting. Which is what he did when they thought they’d spotted the Ambridge Beast.

They then hear and see bushes rustling. Which is what they saw and heard when they thought they’d spotted the Ambridge Beast.

[Lynda] “You don’t think … surely …”

[Jim] “I don’t know Lynda, but shall we keep it to ourselves this time … and whatever it was, I should say it was considerably larger than a squirrel, wouldn’t you?”

Oho! Eddie better get to making more of his statues.

Judged by Britain in Bloom: Tues 03.07.12

The Archers Tuesday 3rd July 2012

• After all that fuss …
• Marcia fancies Joe?
• Kenton wants you … but won’t say what for
• Keira the Destroyer
• Keith’s not a happy man
• Ignorance is not sexy, Tracey

After all that fuss …

… it was a bit of a slow day in Ambridge.

Shame, really.


Marcia fancies Joe?

So, the great day has arrived.

After all that harassing and demanding, Lynda gets to present Ambridge to the Britain in Bloom judges.

One of who is called Marcia Greeve. The other Douglas (but Douglas doesn’t speak).

[Tracey] “Susan was polishing the veg for them … everyone’s gone bonkers””

It seems to all go fine. She and Jim do the honours.

Well, until Joe and Bartleby clip-clop by to catch Marcia’s eye …

Lynda disentangles them from Joe, only to find Jim steering the judges towards no. 8 The Green. Mind on that this was the only house to not follow the prescribed red, white and blue flower theme. They went yellow …

BUT.

Marcia loved it.

[Marcia] “It’s gaudy, but not garish.”

Jim was beside himself with glee with Marcia said that! What a wicked boy he is to Lynda.
They moved onto the Community Orchard.

Where Joe’s waiting to give them a nip of his cider.

[Lynda, horrified] “Joe’s a real character isn’t he?”

[Marcia] “He’s a real sweetie.”

(if Joe wasn’t 90, and Marcia sounded in her 30s or 40s, I’d have thought we were about to have an Autumn romance)

After all was said and done:

[Jim] “I think that all went rather well.”

[Lynda] “Yes, yes I suppose so … apart from Joe hijacking.”

Though Jim thinks that Marcia liked Joe, and her taking to him was an advantage. Joe certainly thinks so:

[Joe] “Wouldn’t be surprised if I swung the result in our favour.”

Though Joe is more than aware that his ‘help’ wasn’t welcomed by Lynda:

[Joe] “… every time I appeared she tuned a funny colour /… me and Bartleby were more than a match for her!”

Kenton wants you … but won’t say what for

Seems Kenton’s posters for the sport bit of the Fete are up and about. They have a space for people to sign up to teams. But, the posters don’t mention what the teams will be doing.

Mind you, Lynda’s performance art sounds more worrying than anything Kenton might have planned.


Keira the Destroyer

Just as the judges are about to come to the Village Shop, Emma and Ed’s Keira starts rearranging it.

[Susan] “Good job I noticed what she did to that tub earlier”

(what? What did Keira do to the tub?!? We must be told)

As Lynda arrives at the shop with the judges, she’s trying to tell them about volunteering, when she’s drowned out by Keira’s crying.

Though it’s okay.

Marcia is distracted by the phone box and it’s lovely, lovely flowers.


Keith’s not a happy man

In fact, he sounds near suicidal.

He’s in Ambridge for a hair and make-up rehearsal at Susan’s before the wedding. Well, that’s something most men would turn pale at the thought of …

[Tracey] “You should see Chelsea. She’s like a bottle of pop!”

Better still. Hyper little girls.

It all sounded very raucous at Susan. Even Emma though it was too much – Tracey was supposed to be keeping them all calm:

[Emma] “It would be nice of Tracey lent a hand … doesn’t sound like she’s doing too good a job of it.”

Then Chelsea’s hamster got loose …

Keith eventually winds up in The Bull having a chat with Joe. He sounds beyond despondent.

[Keith] “This one’s costing me an arm and several legs … to be honest Joe; I don’t know how I’m going to do it.”

Oops.

Sounds like this wedding is on the never ever (never!).


Ignorance is not sexy, Tracey

Tracey has been trying to make lamb samosas. Something to do with trying to win Ifty’s affections.

That’s so wrong, on so many levels, that I actually don’t want to discuss it.

(by the way – seems Ifty’s surname is Sha)

David left home alone: Fri 29.06.12

The Archers Friday 29th June 2012

• The gnome market isn’t holding up
• It’s nearly the final litter pick
• Don’t forget the DVDs and computer games!
• David left to defend by himself
• Brian about to be ousted?
• David shouts at Eddie
• Kenton STILL hasn’t done his homework

The gnome market isn’t holding up

[Eddie] “The bottom’s dropped right out of the gnome market. I just have to come up with new ideas … what about giant heads. Like the Easter Island ones, but made to look like members of your own family.”

[Kenton] “Eddie, you never cease to amaze me.”

Quite. I also can’t think of anything to say to that, Eddie.


It’s nearly the final litter pick

Lynda’s on a mission. Once again.

She’s harassing Kenton about The Bull’s hanging baskets having no water in them.

The Britain in Bloom judges are coming on Tuesday, so all has to be perfect.

Which includes a litter pick on Monday evening.

[Eddie] “I’ll tell dad. He’s looking forward to meeting the judges and the bun fight after.”

But no – it’s not that simple. Lynda won’t let just anyone get near the judges – especially those who have only just picked up a bit of litter.

Later on, Lynda’s harassment seems to have worked:

[Kenton] “The water cans at the ready as soon as the sun disappears!”

Don’t forget the DVDs and computer games!

As David and Ruth pack the car to take Ben, Josh and Ruth up to Heather’s, they have to swap things around to fit.

At one point it sounded like they were about to take out a bag full of the boys’ DVD and computer games. That would have been a horrific thing to forget!

It did later sound like Ruth was the wrong parent to send to drive the kids. She took a rather roundabout way to Heather's:

[David] “Waterly Cross? What on earth are you doing in Waterly Cross?”

David left to defend by himself

Which  I still think is daft. Surely David’s the one the gang really wants to get to. Couldn’t he even have a mate to stay over while Ruth is away?

Anyway, no one seems to have thought of that (or David).

[David] “Without anyone to chat to, I’ll end up taking shorter breaks.”

And Jill will bring him food.

When David later calls Ruth to check they’re settled with Heather:

[Ruth] “Fine thanks. She’s just punched to see us. Those she’s upset, obviously.”

David tells Ruth that a heifer was born tonight with no problems. And That Pip was staying in with Spencer to watch a DVD.

They both end the phone call by saying they love each other.

Last words?

I hope not.

(and probably not … ?)


Brian about to be ousted?

It’s a BL Board meeting, and that bloke Gerry is harassing Brian about only getting the agenda and the minutes yesterday. Brian apologises, but explains he’s been a tad hectic.

[Brian] “Surely I don’t need to remind you what happened to my stepson?”

[Gerry] “Well if you’re not up to keeping on top of things,. Maybe it’s time someone else had a turn.”

Actually – I think Brian has a cheek using Adam as an excuse …

When Brian is later out to dinner with Jennifer, Gerry calls. He wants to talk about milk prices.

[Gerry] “So what makes you think this is a good time to be investing in dairy?”

[Brian] “Perhaps you’ll do me the courtesy of accepting that I know a bit about farming!”

Brian explains to Gerry that he wouldn’t be daft enough to base a long term business venture on short term market trends.

[Brian] “You can safely leave all that to me, while you retire to the club house with your wife and plan how tom spend all the money I’ll be making for you. Cheers!”

oo-er.

Is there still hope that the BL Board will pull the plug on the Super Dairy?


David shouts at Eddie

Eddie’s away quoting a woman for a landscaping job – but he’s meant to be at Brookfield covering Ruth’s milking.

David is not amused.

[Eddie] “But this woman’s a barrister, she works all over the country, if I can’t do a quote this afternoon she’ll get somebody else!”

[David] “Eddie, if you don’t get back to Brookfield you won’t be working here again!”

David does calm down and agrees to get the cows in for Eddie, but he’s not a happy bunny and still expects Eddie to come to Brookfield without delay.

When Eddie gets to Brookfield:

[Eddie] “I still don’t understand why you couldn’t cut me some slack … times are hard for everyone, not just dairy farmers.”

David does grudgingly apologise for shouting. Especially when he agrees that they hadn’t actually told Eddie when Ruth was leaving.

On David being left home alone:

[Eddie] “With that beast of Lynda Snells and one thing and another, it’s a good job you’re not the sort to let your imagination run away with you.”

WHY don’t they just tell everyone? David would be far safer with a few extra neighbours to help out.


Kenton STILL hasn’t done his homework

[Lynda] “Frankly, I was quite disappointed by your feeble efforts at last week’s committee meeting, pretending you had everything in hand … do you think I was born yesterday.”

Kenton claims he has definite plans. Lynda doesn’t believe him.

She tells him of her amazing plans. “Top billing”, “an amazing coup d’état”, something about a performance by young people.

[Lynda] “It will take the whole, village by storm I’m sure.”

Kenton returns with something about team events. Competitors of 4. And … erm … that’s all he had.

[Lynda] “And do what exactly?”

[Kenton] “Well you have your secrets, I have mine … all will be revealed soon enough.”

Hah! Kenton has nothing. But will no doubt pull something spectacular out with no time to spare.

I actually feel sorry for Lynda. She goes to such dedicated efforts, only to be upstaged.

Lynda offended by yellow 29.05.12

The Archers Tuesday 29th May 2012

• Susan and Vicky talk Jubilee
• The kids practice for the Jubilee
• Maypole abused by Alf Grundy
• Vicky wants to retire?
• Amy thinks Carl wasn’t married
• Alice bakes a cake
• It’s Lynda’s birthday
• The horror!

Susan and Vicky talk Jubilee

They seem to be cutting out pictures of The Queen as they’re working in the village shop:

[Vicky] “I can’t help thinking we’re missing a golden opportunity to put the phone box on the map”

[Susan] “A diamond opportunity!”

[Vicky] “My great aunt Nellie had a Welsh corgi, it used to sleep on the bed … Hey, how about we wrap it in Clingfilm, like that artist?””

[Susan] “It’s not a packed lunch Vicky, and how would people get in and out?”

[Vicky] “I’m just thinking outside the box”

[Susan] “We can use some of the decorations we used when Camilla visited”

[Vicky] “Oh come on, we want more pizazz than that!”

Ah bless them and their idle chatter.


The kids practice for the Jubilee

[Vicky] “That tunes getting on my wick”

Vicky is not amused by Lynda and the Village kids (not people, mind) constantly practising their Jubilee maypole dancing. Mainly because they’re doing so on the village green, which the village shops faces onto. As it’s too hot to close their door, Vicky has to suffer hearing their maypole music over and over and over …

Lynda also doesn’t seem to be having much luck with the kids getting any better.

[Lynda] “Lift your knees everyone, I want skippity skip, not clumpty clump … what an unfit bunch …”

Seems that Tracey’s Brad is causing particular mayhem:

[Lynda] “Brad, he’s an anarchist … if he frightens Molly Button with his rat again on Sunday, he’s not getting his jubilee commemoration mug”

Brad will be devastated, I’m sure. Lynda tells us that she still treasurers her Coronation mug. In has “pride of place in our downstairs loo”.


Maypole abused by Alf Grundy

[Susan] “Alf Grundy set light when he was young, apparently. Went up like a giant cigar, Eddie said”

Vicky wants to retire?

What’s Vicky most looking forward to during the Jubilee?

[Vicky] “The best thing is having such a long time off work”

She then later mentioned that she was finding the drive to and from Felpersham twice a week for work a bit if a frustration. She reckons it “upsets her rhythm”.

Sounds like someone does want to work anymore …


Amy thinks Carl wasn’t married

Amy’s on about Usha to Alice yet again. But is at least now looking at flats in Felpersham. Alongside ending the constant bickering, it’s also time Amy moved up and out.

Amy is also starting to question whether Usha was right about Carl. She thinks that Alan brought her up to be a good judge of character.

[Amy] “The more I think about it, I've been given second hand information. I don’t think he’s married at all”

Ach, that girl is just silly.

[Amy] “It may be a marriage of convenience … they must have fallen out of love for hi, to behave the way he did for me ... maybe he stayed out of loyalty, or just for show …what do you think?”

[Alice] “I think I don’t want you hurt”

She thinks Usha has an agenda. Though what Usha would gain from Amy going out with a married man is anyone’s guess.


Alice bakes a cake

For Brian and Jennifer’s 36th wedding anniversary.

[Alice] “Mum and dad have been through some dodgy times but hey, they belong together”

And she’ll be making one of the sponges for the giant WI jubilee cake.


It’s Lynda’s birthday

She got a new straw hat. Robert’s taking her out for a meal. And Christine invites her round for tea and a scone.


The horror!

Lynda’s pleasantly surprised by the effort Adam and Ian have made with their garden for Britain in Bloom.

[Lynda] “Oh they’ve done spectacularly well to create a cottage garden from a  standing start.”

[Christine] “Curtosey of the garden centre … Adam found it very therapeutic”

Lynda I also very impressed by Jim’s experiment – he’s grown vegetables in with his plants (chard, beetroot, and globe artichokes to be exact).

Then, Lynda, Christine and Jim walk up to No. 8 Glebeland.

[Lynda] “How could they possibly do such a thing … yellow!”

[Christine] “A whole garden thrugh of them”

[Lynda] “This is appalling, They’ve driven a coach and horses through the red white and blue motif”

[Christine] “I don’t know who lives here … I think they’re commuters … do you think they’re republicans … really Jim, I don’t think you realised just how upset she as going to be”

[Jim] “Plating yellow flowers is hardly a capital offense … Britain has a fine tradition of disobedience. It keeps our democracy alive, my dear”

[Christine] “Don’t you ‘my dear’ me. I’d rather have the queen as head of state any date over some sleazy politician!”

[Jim] “A democratically elected sleazy politician …”

[Christine] “I think I’ll head back. I don’t like to miss the news”

[Jim] “Oops …”

Usha doesn’t get to watch Toy Story 16.05.12

The Archers Wednesday 16th May

• Amy wants biscuits
• Court shadowed by Lynda
• David’s on heat
• Sounds like Josh & Phoebe is more Josh
• Toy Story
• Emma’s back at work
• Usha turns to Ruth

Amy wants biscuits

But there aren’t any. Alan makes her a cheese sandwich instead.

Amy had only had a few chocolates during the day, which had been bought for her be a glowing couple who’d she’d midwifed for. They’d actually upset her by just being a couple:

[Amy] “Even that couple ... well, it’s not nice ... when I saw them together, and they were so happy ... (she starts crying. Usha comes in) … oh no … (and leaves)”

Alan isn’t any friendlier to Usha. He mentions that he’s off to visit a Mrs Smyth. Usha remembers her as being important to Alan, as she made him feel so welcome when he first arrived in Ambridge. But Alan blanks her. Again.


Court shadowed by Lynda

David was telling Ruth that the nasty men who attached Adam are in remand, next step is Crown Court.

[David] “Adam sounded pretty good ...visitations from Lynda aside. She's been pestering him about his garden ... apparently it’s blighting the village green”

Seems Adam gave in to Lynda (we did hear his reply to her badgering the other day), and David also reports that Tom (via Darrell and Elona) also gave way.

[David] “Apparently every beautiful village requires a Stalinist reign of terror”

David’s on heat

Ghastly, but unfortunately true.

She and David find themselves in Brookfield alone, which is a very rare occurrence.

[David] “Unless, that is, you don't fancy, um ...”

[Ruth] “Go and do your work mister, that'll cool you off in no time”

Blimey. Wonder if those will have a late baby … *shudder*

(anyway, sounded like Josh was still in the house)


Sounds like Josh & Phoebe is more Josh

We heard Josh and Phoebe talking on Skype today. Josh was excited about taking Phoebe to cricket during the summer (is Phoebe coming back then? Just for the summer, or for good?). Phoebe sounded rather nonplussed.

(David came in to kick Josh off so he could get some work done. Seems David thinks the only way to talk on Skype is to shout).

Later on, David teases Josh.

[David] “You're going to impress Phoebe with his cricketing prowess. He's going to show her his googlies!”

Josh is not amused. But I think David’s rush. Josh has his first proper crush.


Toy Story

Is what Alan puts on to try and comfort Amy. It was her favourite as a child. (good lordy that makes me feel old).

[Alan] “Back then, I could just put in on, cuddle up on the sofa, and in a minute she'd be lost in it … I want to help her, like I used to. I just feel so useless. She doesn't deserve this”

[Usha] “No, but you can't protect her from the world, can you?”

When Amy comes into the room with popcorn, Usha leaves them to it. Neither of them is making her feel particularly welcome or wanted.

Later on, Alan’s paused the film. Amy thinks it’s because he’s scared (especially of the spider doll).

[Alan] “Oh come on, it's like something out of the exorcist!”

He wants to talk to Amy. She’s all adrift, with no-one but him to turn to:

[Amy] “You're the only one I know you really loves me”

Alan reckons her next man friend will have to go through a hefty set of tests before he’ll get to date her:

[Alan] “CV, birth certificate, blood group”

But when Alan tries to talk to Amy about Usha, she clams up again.


Emma’s back at work

Well, after she left Lower Loxley, she didn’t quite Brookfield at the same time. But, she’s now back at Lower Loxley for the weekend. Ruth reckons they need the cash.

Well, Princess attire does cost.


Usha turns to Ruth

Well, Alan isn’t listening.

[Ruth] “I’m sure that once she gets over the shock, she'll see you were in an impossible situation”

[Usha] “If I ask about her, he says it’s none of my business ... if he got angry, actually started shouted, at least we could deal with it, but this ... I’m sick of it Ruth. He can see how she's treating me. Perhaps it’s his way of punishing me”

[Ruth] “Usha, you’ve got to stop blaming this yourself. It wasn’t your fault”

[Usha] “I’m not sure I’ve even entered his thoughts”

[Ruth] “if Alan won’t see it, then you'll just to make him”

Easier said than done. Amy and Alan formed a fairly exclusive bond after Catherine died.

Lynda goes on a Bloomin’ rampage 15.05.12

The Archers Tuesday 15th May 2012

• Poly tunnels excite Tom
• The pig arks need moved … again!
• Adam and Jennifer give Darrell their thumbs up
• Prison or the mother of your victim?
• Don’t worry about the farm
• Lynda is doing odd things in the cemetery
• Grubbed pasture
• Harry didn’t get his shirt off
• An elder statesman or stateswoman required
• Lynda’s badly misbehaving
• Elona’s definitely an honest ‘un

Poly tunnels excite Tom

[Tom] “It’s arrived!”

[Jazzer] “My delivery for the playboy mansion? … aye, I saw the grin on your face. Only you could look that excited about a ploy tunnel”

The pig arks need moved … again!

Really – anyone know if pig arks need moved every other week?

It seems to be the only thing Tom ever tells Jazzer to do.

Jazzer’s none too happy about having to do it today. Tom suspects he has a hangover, but Jazzer reckons it’s just because he’s been up early doing the mil round (surely he does that most days?).


Adam and Jennifer give Darrell their thumbs up

[Darrell] “Takes more than a whack over the head to see this one, eh!”

Adam is out having a slow wander with Jennifer, stopping to have a chat with his near neighbour Darrell.

Adam reckons he’s sweet, Jennifer that he seems like a good chap.

Wonder if Jennifer would still think that if she knew he had a record …


Prison or the mother of your victim?

I reckon most would choose prison every time. Especially when that mother happens to be Jennifer Aldridge.

The nasty blokes who attacked Adam are on remand. They’ll face a court trial fairly soon.

[Jennifer] “Well, when they get one, I hope they throw away the key!”

[Adam] “Perhaps we should set you on them mum, then they’ll get what they deserve”

Don’t worry about the farm

Is what Brian and Jennifer keep telling Adam – but they’re the ones who keep mentioning it,

Seems the bloke who’s been hired to help I settling in well. Two of the deer have had calves, and the herd’s ear tagging is going well.


Lynda is doing odd things in the cemetery

Really, is there anything Lynda could do that would surprise us?

She’s been gathering broken eggshells. The broken eggshells mean the peregrines’ eggs are hatching. Lynda’s trying to work out how many chicks they have from the shells.

Well, that’s reasonable enough, I’d say.


Grubbed pasture

[Tom] “Ed had his pasture grubbed up, he thought one of the pigs might have escaped”

But no, all of Tom’s pigs are present and correct.

What could be doing that then? The Ambridge Beast …?


Harry didn’t get his shirt off

What a horrid man he is! Sabrina’s been on heat for months and months … all for nothing.

[Jazzer] “Did I tell ye, about Harry and Sabrina Thwaite? He did his lady Chatterley act for her … on her flower beds, for the promises auction, made sure his husband was away … not that she got her money’s worth, he kept his shirt on, mair fool him”

Poor Sabrina.

Though a good day for her husband Richard, I’d say.

(and again, why isn’t Harry speaking at the moment? Not like him to leave Jazzer to tell his business)


An elder statesman or stateswoman required

To cut the giant cake at the Jubilee.

Apply to Lynda Snell.


Lynda’s badly misbehaving

Lynda had earlier tried to corner Adam, but he and Jennifer had pleaded that he was tired and needed rest.

So, Lynda later went round his house. She didn’t take the hint, then.

He tells her again that he’s tired. But she’s not listening.

[Lynda] “Have you any plans for your front garden? … do you think you might spruce up? … It needn’t be too taxing. And gardening can be wonderfully therapeutic”

We didn’t get to hear Adam’s reply …

Next, we can hear Lynda and Tom having a rather loud and terse discussion, while we’re actually over at Elona and Darrell’s eavesdropping on their conversation.

[Lynda] “You see, I’m only referring to the parts of your garden that face the Green”

Lynda points out that The Bull and the Village shop will be perfect. Tom points out that they’re businesses. She then points out that Christine and Jim will also be perfect. Tom points out that they’re retired. He and Brenda work, and work all hours.

(well, Tom does. I’m sure Brenda could spare a few hours after she’s done making Matt and Lilian’s coffee)

[Lynda] “Even Adam’s agreed. Yes Tom. Even Adam. And I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be the one to spoilt it”

Tom tries to use Tony’s heart attack as an excuse (actually, it’s a fair one. Tom has to work extra to allow Tony to ease himself back into work gently).

[Lynda] “Maybe you should think of it as time to relax!”

Relax? Tom reckons he barely has time to breathe.

They’ve hit an impasse – until Darrell and Elona pop over. I thought they were about to complain about the noise, but they’re over to offer to do Tom and Brenda’s garden for them. Seems Elona has green fingers (but she also has at least 2 jobs … the busier helping the busy, it would seem).

[Lynda] “That’s what Britain in Bloom ought to be about, people pulling together to help one another, even when they’re still relatively new to the community. Upstanding citizens”

That’s the third resident to give Darrell and Elona their okay today. This must be heading to a great reveal of Darrell’s past.


Elona’s definitely an honest ‘un

Darrell’s chuffed that Matt is going to give him some regular work, 2 or 3 days a week at least.

Elona’s not so chuffed. Though they need the work, she’s not happy that Matt only pays Darrell cash in hand. She wants Darrell to talk to Matt about it, to make it a proper arrangement.

[Darrell] “I can’t. It’s none of my business”

Lynda gets squiffy 14.05.12

The Archers Monday 14th May 2012

• The recession finally hits Elizabeth?
• Racing insect larvae
• Ambridge lost (badly) to Waterly Cross
• A lethal cocktail
• The Fields in Trust have visited
• Roy doesn’t seem keen to leave for home
• Lynda’s on a Britain in Bloom mission

The recession finally hits Elizabeth?

Seems business isn’t blooming at Lower Loxley.

[Jill] “Well at least people are still getting married. Don’t worry darling, I’m sure business will pick up”

Racing insect larvae

The Village Fete committee convenes

It was tonight, at The Bull. With Kenton also on the committee, alongside the usual suspects, to help with the games. Obviously, they play an important part this year because of the Olympics.

[Kenton] “London better watch. After I’m finished, the Ambridge Fete will be THE festival of sport”

As Kenton outlines his plans:

[Lynda] “Kenton, you’re not serious, a caterpillar race!”

[Kenton] “Absolutely”

[Lynda] “So, in addition to hurling boots around …”

[Kenton] “Ah, competitive well wanging”

[Lynda] “And bouncing about on space hoppers”

[Jill] “The children would love that!”

[Lynda] “You’re now saying we should descend to the level of racing insect larvae”

[Kenton] “No, we’re not going to actually race caterpillars Lynda. We tie people into sleeping bags, and they wriggle along the ground as if they were caterpillars”

[Lynda] “Oh, for goodness sake!”

[Jill, who is obviously in a good mood] “I think it sounds rather fun”

[Lynda] “Look, I can abide the tug of war, at least it was an Olympic sport, but please everyone, can we not aspire to something more elevated, such as my idea for a celebration of art, poetry and prose”

[Jill] “Kenton’s ideas would have a wider appeal”

They ask Usha (who is in the room, but very quiet. Only Jill seemed to notice, later remarking “Did Usha seem okay to you?”) about what she’d prefer:

[Lynda] “The imaginative output of the children of the village, beautifully displayed in the village hall”

[Kenton] “Or an adrenalin pumped battle between human caterpillars!”

Usha goes with caterpillars.

[Lynda] “What about those people who don’t like sport. We’re going to have so much of it this summer, we can’t all be athletes can we, I’m thinking particularly of the youngsters now … I genuinely believe this elitist culture of competition can be extremely corrosive (sniff) I still have very painful memories of being ostracised at school because I wasn’t good at hockey. And these things leave scars”

[Kenton] “Yeah, on your shins maybe”

[Lynda] “Oh you can mock Kenton”

[Kenton] “I don’t think anyone’s going to be ostracised because they fall off their space hopper!”

It seems Lynda had her sports kit hidden at school, and, by the sounds of it, hasn’t got over it.

Jill suggests that they could have awards for stuff other than winning. Best sportsman like behaviour, and such.

[Kenton, sarcastically] “Sportsperson like, please”

[Jill, reminding him who’s mum] “Kenton!”

And with that, they all agree on Kenton’s rather than Lynda’s ideas.

[Lynda] “Left on the sidelines again …”

(oh good lord – was Lynda also the last picked for every game? No wonder she’s bitter).


Ambridge lost (badly) to Waterly Cross

The cricket team really does seem to be suffering minus Adam (due to injury), and the permanent loss of David and Robert.

Though Rhys has stepped up, he’s not exactly got the experience. Which Kenton is quick to point out.

[Kenton] “It was a compliment. It was. You just have an usual batting style. Have you played tennis?”

Rhys is not amused. He’d been laughed at enough during the game itself.


A lethal cocktail

[Kenton] “To her Madge. May her subjects never go thirsty”

For the Jubilee, you can order a picnic box from The Bull to then go and sit out to enjoy the party.

Kenton and Rhys are also creating jubilee themes cocktails.

They give Jill one to taste. She’s beyond horrified … one assumes because it’s so strong (knowing Rhys and Kenton). She makes Kenton promise not to give it to anyone else.

But, boys will be boys.

Kenton insists that Lynda sup of their cocktail before she leaves, after the committee meeting.

[Lynda] “I have to admit, that’s actually rather delicious”

It has sparkling wine, peach schnapps and cherry liqueur.

Kenton insists Lynda finishes her glass …

A few moments later, when Lynda is talking to Jill outside, Lynda is hiccupping. And sounding a bit slurred. Spotting something is awry …

[Jill] “Are you cycling home?”

The Fields in Trust have visited

And they should have approval for the site BL has (generously …!) given to the village.


Roy doesn’t seem keen to leave for home

Elizabeth even had to threaten to put his coat on him.

It’s well past office hours, but Roy is keen to keep going.

He’s excited about entering Lower Loxley wine for Wine of the Year.

[Elizabeth] “Thank you … You can’t imagine how proud Nigel would be”

Hayley won’t be so chuffed. I though Roy had earlier mentioned that she needed to get to the Fete committee meeting – but that Vicky and Mike could take care of the kids if need be.

But, Hayley wasn’t at the committee meeting. Oh dear. Could that have had something to do with Roy being late?

And is it just the work that’s keeping Roy so engrossed with lower Loxley?!?


Lynda’s on a Britain in Bloom mission

Though a tad tiddly, Lynda is genuinely concerned about Britain in Bloom.

She thinks she can rely on Jim and Christine doing them proud with both their gardens, and the village hall. Susan will take care of the Village Shop, Jolene The Bull. But, she’s concerned about Honeysuckle Cottage (Adam and Ian), and No.1 The Green (Tom and Brenda). Everyone facing the Green has to have a perfect garden.

Problem is, Adam and Ian have more important matters to care about (Adam recovering from his attack), and Tom and Brenda are fairly busy with work.

[Lynda] “But this is important. What about all the hard work everyone else is putting in”

[Jill] “Surely it’s the taking part that counts”

[Lynda] “Heavens no. I want to win. There’s no point doing it otherwise”

Oh blimey. Be very afraid, those of you round the Green without a perfect garden!

The Borchestershire Flagon 12.04.12

The Archers Thursday 12th April 2012

• Vicky’s Lobelia crazy!
• Pip’s a sponge
• Mike’s a fibber
• Jim doesn’t like Brian
• Challenge Alan
• Hello Ifty!

Vicky’s Lobelia crazy!

She’s plating red ones, next to white ones, next to blue ones.

Yup, you guessed it. She’s being patriotic for the Jubilee, and for Britain in Bloom (though Mike does point out that they’re too far out of the village for the judges to visit them).


Pip’s a sponge

She learns something at Uni, then comes home and sees it everywhere.

Today, she’s worried that some of the young calves might have Bovine Viral Diarrhoea (BVD). She just learnt about it at Uni.

[Pip] “BVD … did you know it’s the most significant economic viral disease in castle, bit just here but in Ireland and America as well .. scouring is one of the major symptoms”

Actually, David did know all of that (clever clogs!), and tells her that the problem with BVD is that you generally can’t spot it until it’s too late. And there may be other reasons for diarrhoea.

When Mike pops by, they tell him they might have a BVD problem (if Pip isn’t just being hysterical).

[Mike] “Ooh ay, you don’t want that!”

Very helpful, that was Mike.

David agrees to get Alistair in to take a proper look, but he cautions Pip to not start panicking.

[David] “Let’s not meet trouble half way”

After Alistair has been, David confirms that it probably isn’t BVD – likely to just be them being turned out onto grass for the first time.

But to be sure, they need to keep them away from the pregnant animals, and also be extra careful with hygiene.

Now that that’s sorted (for the time being):

[David] “I’m going to self-medicate. With some Grundy cider!”

Mike’s a fibber

Jim’s doling out the Cider Club’s share of the Community orchard cider (produced by Grundy enterprises).

But Mike turns up with a slightly larger than usual flagon.

[Mike] “That’s a standard Borchestershire flagon, that is”

When Jim queries how many litres it holds:

[Mike] “Oh now, this is an ancient traditional measure, you wouldn’t use litres”

When Jim then asks how many pints, Mike responds that it’s a flagon!

Jim is not convinced, so goes away to get a measuring jug. Bert Fry asks Mike what on earth he’s on about.

[Mike] “Just back me up, alright!”

Seems Mike was never taken-in by Jim’s mathematical magic in working out what gets what share of the cider.

[Bert] “It looked complicated enough”

[Mike] “He blinded us with science”

Seems Mike won his argument. Though I found it a bit odd David got his share from the Grundy share (David is a member of the club, but didn’t do any work on the Community Orchard – that leaves it up to him and the Grundys to work out what/why he gets from their share).

As they sup up, all agree it’s a grand drop.

[Jim] “Enough for a very convivial year ahead”

Jim doesn’t like Brian

Or his Super Dairy.

[Jim] “He really is the most insufferable pompous self-centred man, don’t you think?”

[Vicky] “Well, he can be quite charming at times”

[Jim] “Yes, I grant you, he can put in a carapace face of charm when he’s trying to sugar-coat this megalomaniac scheme to blight our glorious countryside with a monstrous industrial edifice”

Jim is also furious that BL are trying to bride local opinion with cash donations and pints of shires.

[Jim] “Then he’s heading for the biggest disappointment since Sibinus trusted the word of Ambiorix the Gaul, and we all know how that ended!”

[Vicky] “Erm, was he the one with the potion?”

Well, Vicky guessed better than I could have!


Challenge Alan

I’ve been very slow to pick up on that joke … ho hum.

Bert was today remarking on the change in Jim – that he’s back to his cantankerous old self after finishing Alan’s lent challenge (so it was really Alan’s Challenge, but I won’t split hairs).

On the other hand, Vicky is delighted that normal service has resumed.

[Vicky] “Let’s just say that some people aren’t born to make compliments”

Hello Ifty!

Iftikhar (who everyone calls Ifty) popped into the Village shop today, on his way to find the cricket ground.

Vicky seems quite giddy as she’s talking to him. When he mentions that everyone’s welcome to come to the youth nets (including girls):

[Vicky] “Ooh, I think I’m a bit too old!”

(though he didn’t pay a compliment of saying she didn’t look too old).

After he’d left:

[Vicky] “Ooh he’s lovely isn’t he, I’m not surprised about the girls .. they’ll be flocking to nets!”

Now love interest for Helen/Fallon/Kirsty ahoy!

Anyhoo – back to the business in hand. Seems Ifty is happy enough that girls do come to nets. Though he concurs with local opinion that only boys and girls of primary age can play together. Older ones can practise fitness together, but not skills.

Ifty sounds like quite a nice chap indeed. He’s volunteered to work with the young ‘uns because:

[Ifty] “I got my chance when I was young because people offered their time”

Lynda says “behoves” 10.04.12

The Archers Tuesday 10th April 2012

• Ruth is being unladylike (again)
• Alan and Usha off to Marrakech
• Derek Fletcher’s gnomes are always good for a laugh
• Tom and Brenda are a prime location
• Tom’s only got himself to blame
• Tony’s (staggered) return
• Phoebe and Josh still Facebooking
• Amy, alone in the vicarage
• Pat’s back on at the Super Dairy

Ruth is being unladylike (again)

[Usha] “That looks ungainly”

[Ruth] “Really Usha, and there was I admiring me style”

[Usha] “I meant the cow, one leg pulled out like that”

[Ruth] “Oh the more supported the better when you’re hoof trimming”

By making the cow look “ungainly”, Ruth makes sure she doesn’t get kicked, and it makes sure Ruth doesn’t cut too deep.

Win win.


Alan and Usha off to Marrakech

Very nice indeed.

Though Ruth would prefer the Cotswolds.



Derek Fletcher’s gnomes are always good for a laugh

Seems Derek Fletcher was still very much against the photo flyover.

[Pat] “Derek Fletcher said it was like living behind the iron curtain … a big brother society, apparently”

[Tom] “Did he think they were getting top secret shots of his gnome or something?”

Aye, laugh at the gnomes. Poor things can’t defend themselves.



Tom and Brenda are a prime location

According to Lynda,

As they’re on the Green, they’re crucial to the display for Ambridge’s Britain in Bloom display.

Lynda put the startling news across to them in her own special manner. She used the word “behoves”

[Pat] “Did she really say behoves?"

[Brenda] “I think it’s her word of the week … it behoves us to put on a magnificent floral display for the honour of the village”

Tom’s only got himself to blame

Tom left his phone at home.

Because of that, he missed 2 calls from customers.

So he blames the milking parlour for missing him opportunities. The missed phone calls, and that he can’t be out and about making more sales.

Silly Tom.


Tony’s (staggered) return

So, as Tom is now losing opportunities (so he reckons) he wants to get a relief dairyman in.

Which Tony hears about. And reckons it’s “obvious” that he should return to work instead.

Which Brenda agrees would be a good idea. In a staggered basis.

Later on, Tom thanks Brenda for helping him to have a more manageable workload.

[Brenda] “No problem. Anything that eases the load”

Anything?

Wonder if Brenda would actually put Tony in danger for her Tom. I think it’s too early for him to be back at work milking, considering he currently gets tired just having a wee walk.


Phoebe and Josh still Facebooking

Tell you. We’d better get new hats ready.


Amy, alone in the vicarage

Usha reckons Amy will be pleased to have the house to herself for a bit, while they go to Marrakech.

[Ruth] “Free access to the bathroom?”

[Usha] “Free access to the boyfriend!”

Though Amy still isn’t at the ‘meet the parents’ stage with Carl, Usha does think that it’s serious. Which hasn’t really happened for Amy before. So it’s also new for Alan.

[Usha] “He’s managing to be rationale about it. Keep on top of his primal instincts”

Usha also knows Amy won’t have any wild parties while they are away, and actually thinks it unlikely that she’ll even bring Carl back home. She’s sensitive to Alan, and knows that he doesn’t approve of them sleeping together before marriage (though wouldn’t interfere).

(right – so what’s the story with carl? Much older? Much younger? Wrong colour/religion/gender …???)


Pat’s back on at the Super Dairy

Which means Ruth is also roped in again (though Ruth isn’t complaining).

Pat’s been to see Hattie Marshall, who’s part of Borchester Against Factory Farming, She and Pat reckon that they need to do a final push before the Super Dairy comes up before the planning committee.

So they’re going to get an article in the Westbury Courier this Saturday, on Grange Farm and Ed Grundy. They want to prove that you don’t have to be big.

[Pat] “Happy unstressed cows rather than short lived milking machines”

Good luck with that. Rufus will have a plan already worked out for such an event.

The great photo flyover 09.04.12

The Archers Monday 9th April 2012

• James and Leonie still arguing
• Lily is off to France today
• Girls. Playing cricket!?!
• Lynda has ambitions
• Eddie nearly ruins the Horn
• Lynda’s latent racism
• Did you spot Leonie doesn’t care about the peregrines?

James and Leonie still arguing

At Robert and Lynda’s for breakfast before they get to their plane, James and Leonie are still at it.

(again not rudery, just barny)

James reckons their book is “photo driven”. Leonie does not concur.

[Leonie] “The photos have their place but their function is to illustrate my words”

[James] “No, your words are basically just long captions for the photographs. That was the whole concept!”

Leonie reckons it was her concept in the first place.

[James] “You’re wrong but let’s not discuss this now”

Oo-er.

On their way to the plane, they get lost. Even though they have a Sat Nav.

[James] “How do you explain the fact that we’re 180 degrees out of our way?”

Leonie reckons she put the postcode into the sat nav, but James gave her the postcode to put in. So it’s actually James’ fault.

[Leonie] “It’s always the same, you can’t get the simplest things and you always know what’s best!”

They’ll split up soon enough, surely.

Robert’s worried about them,

[Lynda] “Well, when it comes to James, there a lot to be scathing about … It’ll blow over, you’ll see”

Please. Just split up (and both go away, only to return every other Christmas)


Lily is off to France today

Not that we get to hear about it, or that James or Leonie are remotely interested when Lynda tells them.

Ach well. Bon Voyage, and all that.



Girls. Playing cricket!?!

Surely a step too far?

(obviously, I’m being sarcastic)

Alistair’s at The Bull for a quiet pint and his newspaper (while Shula works her socks off. Nice to see Alistair is ready and willing to help out).

Jamie’s also there doing his shift. They get talking about cricket (as they tend to do), and Jamie mentioned that Natalie had mentioned that she and some of her (girl) friends would want to join in the youth cricket.

[Alistair] “Jamie gave me an interesting conundrum … what about girls training?”

He and Robert agree that there’s nowt wrong with the female gender playing cricket. But they can’t play against blokes when they all get to a certain age (17, they reckon).

One assumes that’s something to do with the power of the ball being thrown or hit?

(I don’t know. Football is more my game. I support a Scottish 1st Division team who a bunch of girls could probably easily beat …).

Sounds like the girls can join in, but only if they play against each other.


Lynda has ambitions

For Britain in Bloom. She already seems Ambridge in the final.

[Alistair] “If you only aim for the moon, you’ll never reach the stars”

Quite.


Eddie nearly ruins the Horn

[Robert] “Where for art thou Jolene?”

She’s hanging out of the window, telling everyone to get into a horn shape for the flyover.

They do manage to get everyone together and waving, though Eddie nearly didn’t get his bit of the horn right in time.

So the plane flies over, the brownies parade their bonnets, the band strikes up and The Bull’s punters cheer.

[Alistair] “I’m beginning to think this wasn’t the place for a placid bank holiday break”

Lynda’s latent racism

Alistair mentioned to Lynda that a chap called Iftikhar is going to be running the youth cricket.

[Lynda] “Where’s he from?”

[Alistair] “Felpersham I think”

[Lynda] “I meant … no … Felpersham, of course …”

Oops Lynda. That was close.


Did you spot Leonie doesn’t care about the peregrines?

Calling Robert about after the flyover, Leonie’s furious with James (yet again). Seems he wanted to fly in low at the church to get a good shot of the peregrines.

Robert’s horrified! The peregrines would have been terrified.

Leonie quickly catches on that that’s the reason she should have given for not wanting to fly in.

Actually, she really didn’t give a hoot.

[Leonie] “And not to mention the danger to us. Birds and aircraft don’t mix”

(i.e. “me, me, me, me, me”)

So James is sulking that he didn’t get his shot. And Leonie is sulking with James.

*sigh*

Ambridge Organics/Tom Archer’s launch part deux 09.03.12

The Archers Friday 9th March 2012

• The cheese is loaded and ready to go
• Jim sucks up to Shula
• The launch is a success
• Lily was bell ringing again
• Seeds for Britain in Bloom
• The difference between flattery and a compliment
• Anyone else thought Tony had done a Phil?

The cheese is loaded and ready to go

Steady on Helen!

Tom’s already at the café, Helen and Pat are more or less ready to go (dropping Henry off at Nic’s on the way), so they’re just waiting on Tony.

But Tony appears in his dressing gown.

[Tony] “I didn’t have such a good night. Didn’t sleep too well … I feel fine otherwise, just a bit washed out. So maybe you were right. I’d be better to stay at home and have a quiet day”

Jim sucks up to Shula

He didn’t seem to have a purpose in going round to see Shula, as she was getting ready to head out with Topper. Who is being a bit frisky today (Topper, not Jim. Well, maybe Jim as well, but he didn’t mention it).

[Shula] “He’s young. Full of the joys”

[Jim] “He seems to know who is boss!”

They chat about Shula making the decision to buy Topper, despite Alistair’s protests.

[Jim] “Alistair should have known better than to argue … after all, you ... you … when it comes to horses, you know what’s best … I’m sure your judgement is second to none”

Shula was a bit spooked …


The launch is a success

It sounds packed, with people travelling from all over. There is even “cheese people” from Derbyshire,

[Pat] “They’re all being so positive, Saying such nice things”

[Tom] “That chef from that Birmingham caterers said my pork stir fry was, quote, delicious”

[Helen] “High fives all round then!”

Lily was bell ringing again

Yesterday. Seems she really likes it.



Seeds for Britain in Bloom

Alan’s been buying them in, so he tells Shula.

(again – did I miss the big reconciliation between Alan and Shula?)

Lynda has also printed off a leaflet called The Art of seed Propagation to help when planting.

[Shula] “Is there an art to using a propagator?”

[Alan] “And she’s been trying to bulk buy scarlet geraniums”

Complete hedonism!


The difference between flattery and a compliment

Shula happened to mention to Alan that Jim had paid her a compliment.

Aha! Compliment! That’s what Jim was up to.

[Jim] “Alan, when I make a resolution, I kept it … as from today, Shula is my first success … that’s one satisfied customer”

[Alan] “Little surprised, maybe”

[Jim] “Well, Shula and I, well, you know, it’s not always easy being a father in law … still once I decided, there was no messing about. Straight in at the deep end. Though I have to say it was quite a tricky one to hit the rights notes you know, I had to out in some careful thought”

[Alan] “And I assume when you said it you meant it …”

[Jim] “Alan! Of course I meant it. If I’d been at all insincere it would have been flattery, not a compliment!”

Seems Jim’s plan is to give compliments as and when the chance arises. “Discreet opportunism” he calls it.

But Jim will be keeping a strict record, including who, where, when, what and a witness.

That’s a bit over the top.



Anyone else thought Tony had done a Phil?

I think that’s what the folks who place the secret microphones wanted us to think.

Tony’s left home alone.

Pat got a missed call from David, who’d been helping out at Home Farm. Pat, Tom and Helen are a bit worried.

Turns out David was just calling to say everything was fine.

[Helen] “I wish he’d just texted you!”

When they later get home, they can hear the TV is on.

Uh oh … just like Phil being left alone, for Jill to get back with Christine to the sound of a record and Phil very much departed …

But not to worry.

We could hear Tony breathing. He was just having a nap.

Cheeky secret microphone placing people.

Joe drives a hard bargain 09.02.12

The Archers Thursday 9th February 2012

• Lemon cake works wonders for Joe
• Pat made The Echo
• Alistair puts business before Topper
• Why isn’t Joe Grundy a millionaire?
• Ed on a badger course in June
• Eddie isn’t donating a water feature (by the way)
• The theme for Britain in Bloom

Lemon cake works wonders for Joe

Joe reckons he has a chill on his chest, so has been stopping in.

But Jim tempts Joe over to his house with lemon cake. And Joe also gets his request for a drop of booze to liven up his tea … Jim must be after something!


Pat made The Echo

With a seemingly great picture of herself and Shelly Brazil at the Ambridge Organics launch.

Pat having good press contacts will come in handy when Pat tackles the Super Dairy through the front pages.


Alistair puts business before Topper

Shula tells Alistair that she wants to buy Topper.

She’d buy him through the business, and use him for teaching and the like.

[Shula] “It wouldn’t be a waste of money .. I’m worried for Freddie”

But Alistair reckons they can’t afford it.

[Shula] “It’s not as is we’re really badly off, we’re lucky compared to some”

[Alistair] “I don’t mean to be brutal, but at the end of the day it has to be a business decision. It just doesn’t make sense”

Oh dear.

Business Vs emotional attachment.

My money is on Shula winning this one.


Why isn’t Joe Grundy a millionaire?

With his talents at haggling, one would have thought he’d have made a fortune years ago.

Jim’s new plan for trying to work out fair allocation of the cider made from the community orchard apples is to start off with trying to find out what percentage the Grundys want.

So he asks Joe if they’ll take 10%.

Joe nearly chokes on his tea.

[Joe] “That cider is part of our livelihood, that is!”

[Jim] “What would you say to 20%?”

[Joe] “I’d tell you, pull your head down from them clouds … 20%, you don’t live in the real world … There wouldn’t be on orchard without us Grundys … I’m sorry prof, I don’t mind telling you, you’re hard my feelings …ancient knowledge that is … would have thought a man such as yourself would appreciate that”

[Jim] “Alright, let’s be generous then, how about 40?”

[Joe] “For a whole family heritage?”

Which is a fair point.

They wouldn’t have the cider without the Grundys having nurtured Grange Farm’s orchard when they worked it. And it is the Grundys know how that will make the cider. Plus Joe has been the community orchard’s consultant …

…so, 90%, according to Joe Grundy, would be fair.

After back and forth, they settle on 80%. Joe reckons the bumper harvest they have had will mean 20% is still more than enough cider for everyone else.

Hmmm.

Mike, for one, isn’t going to be very happy.

Also quite surprised that Jim wasn’t a better negotiator. Maybe his strengths are indeed purely academic.

[Jim, later on] “Really, why do these things have to be so complicated? I thought we’d just muck in and all get a bit of scrumpy”

[Christine] “You haven’t lived here long enough yet, where the Grundys are concerned, nothing’s that straightforward!”

Ed on a badger course in June

Which Alistair reckons Ed is really excited about.

Ed – badger saviour.

Who’d have thunk it!


Eddie isn’t donating a water feature (by the way)

Folks seem to be getting excited about Eddie’s Promise Auction offer.

BUT.

What I heard him say was that he’d install it. Not that he’d pay for the whole thing.

Oh dear. Someone’s going to be disappointed.


The theme for Britain in Bloom

Has to be chosen by the Britain in Bloom committee.

Ideas for far include the Olympic and the Diamond Jubilee.

Not very imaginative, but I suppose they’re at least topical.

[Lynda] “Having said that, it does rather depend on us finding a sponsor”

Jim tells her about Brian trying to offer him BL sponsorship.

[Jim] “It’s obvious that they’re trying to portray themselves as a caring sharing philanthropic company”

While they do need the money, BL is being too obvious, and the Super Dairy is too hot a topic, for them to consider.

[Lynda] “I think we’ll have to say no. This is something we want the whole village behind”

The badgers are to be vaccinated 25.01.12

The Archers Wednesday 25th January 2011

• Jolene’s being tactful
• To kill or cure the badgers?
• Jolene jealous of Jaxx?
• Jim doesn’t see Harry’s sex appeal
• Even 5 pints doesn’t buy Brian friends

Jolene’s being tactful

[Jolene] “What’s said in the pub, stays in the pub”

She’s saying that to Brian who, after hearing from Jennifer that folks think he’s hiding, has made a point of coming in for a pint.

He’s asking Jolene what folks have been saying about the Super Dairy, but Jolene has her landlady code.


To kill or cure the badgers?

The NFU, chaired by David, arte having their meeting at The Bull upstairs to discuss badgers.

Mike already sets his stall out.

He doesn’t want to vaccinate. He reckons he had to get out of dairying because of badgers.

Oliver, on the other hand, has been to see another area who has been vaccinating. Seems that it has been a success – fourfold reduction in badgers testing positive.

To vaccinate – they need to put down traps, which are hidden from sight, numbered and recorded, unlocked and left with peanuts in. When the badger is in there, it gets vaccinated, stock marked, recorded and released. Which comes at a £7,911 year cost annualised, per hectare £51 to £38 pounds, and £62 per field per hour.

Even after hearing the numbers – and it’d be them, the farmers, having to get up early to check the traps – they all vote to start vaccinating.

Blimey!

Oliver must have been very persuasive.

Though Mike still isn’t convinced.

And David is saying nothing. Seems he can’t, as NFU Chair … he must have drawn blood biting his lip!

So next step is to get a dozen landowners to share the cost (good luck, Brian reckons), and Ed will go on a course.

The badgers will be happy.


Jolene jealous of Jaxx?

It’s only the first time Jaxx has done Farmhouse Breakfast Week – and they’re doing a storm!

Although someone else a few days ago said The Bull was also busy with Farmhouse Breakfasts, sounds like Jolene thinks Jaxx is doing better.

Uh-oh.

Trouble for the young lovers?


Jim doesn’t see Harry’s sex appeal

Jim is still on the hunt for Promises for the Britain in Bloom fundraising.

He’s a bit annoyed that he’s getting non-specific Promises from folks.

Like Harry.

Seems he’s said he’ll do four hours of gardening. Jim doesn’t feel that’s detailed enough.

[Jim] “He’s a nice enough young chap, but it’s not as if he had anything special to offer”

[Jolene] “Well, I wouldn’t say that”

[Harry] “Has he hidden talents that I don’t know about?”

[Jolene] “He wouldn’t appeal to you, but I think he’ll attract a lot of bidders. Kirsty is already saving …”

[Jim] “Kirsty? But she’s in the wildlife trust, she can’t possibly need any help in her garden”

As, bless Jim. He may be The Prof, but he doesn’t spot a woman in heat!

Wonder if Kirsty is buying Harry for Fallon?

Hard to tell. Though we have heard from Fallon over Christmas time, Kirsty has been quiet of late, and Harry hasn’t been heard of since he bagged Zofia (though Zofia went back home ages ago).


Even 5 pints doesn’t buy Brian friends

Brian was at part of the badger meeting, but left before the end to get the pints in for ‘the lads’. Well, he’d only stumbled over the meeting anyway. And didn’t exactly find it riveting:

[Brian] “It livened up when someone suggested should just be able to shoot!”

Though Brian was in to show face and canvass ‘neutral’, he ends up with a Jim Vs Brian round 2 while the meeting was finishing:

[Jim] “I’m surprised you’re even taking an interest. Those cows in your dairy won’t even get to see the light of day, let alone a badger … the highest standards of an internment camp … prisoners are well fed, but they can still go mad when they’re locked up 24 hours a day.”

[Brian] “This is illogical. We’re not cows!”

[Jim] “Indeed we’re not. We have the gift of intelligence … what you’re proposing is philosophically untenable, the end justifies the means have never been the logical argument”

When David, Ed and Oliver come down from the meeting, they leave Brian to go and talk badger.
Brian starts talking to Mike – who seems to be in favour of the Super Dairy.

But then Mike does off to play darts with Darrell.

Leaving Brian alone.

[Brian] “They took their drinks and ran. I seem to be having that effect on people this evening … art least I can tell Jenny I tried. One for, one against”

Maybe if Brian was a bit more subtle, and less of a bore droning on about the Super Dairy, maybe folks would stop to talk to him.

Adam, the radio star 19.01.12

The Archers Thursday 19th January 2012

• David’s accosting Police
• The drain covers may have gone in Penny Hassett …
• Emma’s turning into Patsy
• “Lower Loxley, where the phone lines run free”
• Caroline’s excitable
• That’s fighting talk, Adam
• Brian sooks up to Jill
• Adam speaks up

David’s accosting Police

Demanding to know what they’re doing about these 200 metre cable thieves.

He tells Jill the Police said that they were optimistic about catching them. Although there’s an epidemic of such cable being stolen, the Police are also putting a stop to it by using snitches and making sure dealers know that they know.

Later on, he’s having a chat with Adam:

[Adam] “We’re programmed aren’t we, make coffee, sit at computer, go online check the worlds still there”

[David] “It’s a great excuse not to start in on any real work, all that online chatter”

I resent that remark! Not all of us can have outside jobs. And the internet is, for some, a key tool for their “real” work.

It’s just all those Twitterers and bloggers that don’t know what real work is like … ;)


The drain covers may have gone in Penny Hassett … 

…(stolen) … but at least, over in Ambridge, they have each other.

Though it would seem Borchestershire is experiencing a high level of rural crime, Ambridge’s home fires are keeping everyone warm and safe.

[Jill] “At least we seem to be rising to the occasion in the village”

Jim’s rota has done its job in helping to keep the more vulnerable of the village safe while they’re incommunicado.

[Jill] “He’s got a real sense of what needs to be done”

As well as Chris and Alice collecting old mobile phones, and the village shop taking a collection for sim cards, Pip and Spencer have also been round checking on folks.

[Jill] “It’s lovely that everyone’s looking after each other, isn’t it!”

Yes it is, Jill.

And that’s why we all like to visit Ambridge almost every evening.


Emma’s turning into Patsy

(the other cleaner Ruth had in while Emma was off having Keira. Patsy also cleaned for Jennifer, but put terrors into Ruth, who cleaned before her cleaner turned up!)

[David] “Emma started stomping around the place, huffing and puffing about Josh leaving stuff on the floor and how there were never any clean dusters … Ruth thought she was going to hand in her notice … she sat Emma down and asked what she’d done to upset her … Emma was just miffed because Will and Nic are changing the name of the cottage, seems to be a big deal for her … she said it would confuse George, and they were being insensitive!”

[Jill] “I bet Ruth beat a hasty retreat”

Oh ho!

Emma really just wanted Will to still be darkly brooding, alone, about her leaving him for Ed.

Nae luck there then, Emma.

Even Jill agrees that Greenwood Cottage is far more tasteful than Casa Nueva.


“Lower Loxley, where the phone lines run free”

Brian really isn’t coping without his internet .

It’s a good thing Lower Loxley does still have communications. It means Jennifer can Skype Nolly on her birthday.


Caroline’s excitable

And far less stressed.

They’ve found their card reader! Caroline is over the moon.

[Oliver] “Now you want have to decipher my hand writing … and all we’ve got to deal with now is the daily lottery of who is going to turn up at the hotel!”

[Caroline, sounding quite fruity] “Exciting!”

When Grey Gables has another “hiccup” later on (some boy gets locked in a toilet), Caroline is giggling like a schoolgirl.

Oliver is her hero.

[Caroline] “You’ve been brilliant. Keep calm and carry on … you’ve got the Dunkirk spirit in bucket loads!”

Each to their own …


That’s fighting talk, Adam

Talking to David about the Super Dairy, Adam feels that Brian and Debbie first wrong-footed him and are now trying to ram their Super Dairy through.

[Adam] “They don’t seem to care if they upset the whole village in the process …So as far as I’m concerned David, they deserve everything they’ve got coming to them”

Oo-er!


Brian sooks up to Jill

Brian pops over to Jill’s, She’s clearing up leaves to see if the snowdrops are trying to poke through.
Brian reckons it’s too early for snowdrops.

(it’s not. they were pout here already)

And he starts buttering her up with how good her garden is, that Jennifer is a great admirer (blah blah blah).

Then Brian asks Jill if the Britain in Bloom committee are looking for sponsors … from BL

[Jill, sniffing his ploy a mile off] “Oh. Really …”

She sends Brian off with a “you have to ask Jim”

Jill later forewarns Jim.

[Jill] “He realised he wasn’t getting any change out of me … he was very obvious. I was quite shocked”

Not very subtle, Mr Aldridge.

You’re acting like the Squire who treats his villagers like there’s more than one idiot.


Adam speaks up

Borchester Radio are outside the shop, asking folks for their comments about the Super Dairy, when Adam walks by.

They ask him for his comments.

He agrees.

[Adam] “Okay, right, basically I think it’s bad for the village, bad for farming and bad for the cows!”

Oh Brian will be pleased when he hears that!

Brian’s front page news 12.01.12

The Archers Thursday 12th January 2012

• Pat’s against the Super Dairy
• Jim’s against the Super Dairy
• Jill’s against the Super Dairy?
• The Parish Council might be against the Super Dairy
• Tom’s against, Mike’s for, the Super Dairy
• Promises Auction
• Jalapeño peppers at Bridge Farm
• Tom will do his turn at milking
• What’s the problem with pat making a speech?
• Did we know Eddie was a grave digger?

Pat’s against the Super Dairy

Indeed, she’s horrified.

[Pat] “Brookfield, supplying fodder …so do I, it’s awful … I couldn’t believe it, Brian was at my party and not a word!”

Jill was telling Pat that Jennifer had told her (Jill) that the front page exclusive in the Echo was a surprise to them, though Jennifer did tell Jill that they knew it was about to run, but they didn’t know who had leaked it (got it? Though why Jill accepted that explanation, I don’t know).

[Pat] “I can’t believe the Borchester Land Board and particularly Brian could contemplate such a thing”

Jill tells Pat that it’s was Debbie’s idea, as Debbie runs a similar operation in Hungry.

[Pat] “But this isn’t Hungry, this is Ambridge!”

Jim’s against the Super Dairy

[Jim] “Well my knowledge of the lifestyle of your average e bovine is, I have to admit, limited, but cows live in fields and eat grass, don’t they … So sticking them in some kind of barrack block with no access to the outside is cruel and unnatural”

Jill’s against the Super Dairy?

She doesn’t say anything against it, but does say she’s not defending it.


The Parish Council might be against the Super Dairy

Though Lynda is in bed with the flu, seems she called Neil to ensure that:

[Neil] “the PC condemned in the strongest possible terms”

the Super Dairy.

After they had agreed to Jill’s Promises Auction.

And to buy a Diamond Jubilee oak tree.

Jim tries to get them to talk about it:

[Jim] “Should we not discuss the starling news in today’s Echo?”

But Neil swerves the discussion by moving onto getting approval for the Green Burial site open day (for undertakers, ministers and “other celebrants”).

The Parish Council will formally discuss the Super Dairy when it applies for planning permission. But some are already decided:

[Jim] “I think it’s fair to say Brian is going to have his work cut out selling it to the village!”

Tom’s against, Mike’s for, the Super Dairy

Mike’s not worried about the Super Dairy. It’s a different market to his milk round, he reckons the Echo is biased and the Super Dairy will also create jobs.

But Tom reckons it’ll only create a few jobs which are specialist, so folks will come in from elsewhere to do them.

[Tom] “Come on Mike, you’ve worked with cows all your life … you care about animal welfare!”

[Mike] “Yeah, and I’ve read a lot about these sort of units. The cows are housed on sand and they really like it …”

[Tom] “To quote my sister, if you feed kids on crisps and chocolate, they really like it”

[Mike] “You saying cows don’t know what’s good for them?”

[Tom] “It’s unnatural, Mike, surely you can see that”

[Mike] “Nah, that’s like saying it’s unnatural for me to live in a house with comfy chairs and electric light!”

Promises Auction

Will be run by Alan, at The Bull, on Shrove Tuesday.

Seems it’s a money raiser for Britain in Bloom, and was all Jill’s idea.

Folks offer to promise to do something (like pruning, hedge clipping, and the like) for others to bid on.

I’d personally pay a fair amount for someone to walk 4 greyhounds once in a while …


Jalapeño peppers at Bridge Farm

Doesn’t seem likely, and Tony doesn’t sound keen when Tom put it to him.

Tom reckons they should grow exotic crops to sell at a premium price.

[Tony] “Wouldn’t it make more sense to grow seasonal veg. The stuff we grow already?”

Tony’s not for changing.


Tom will do his turn at milking

Tony tries to have a pop at Tom for not doing milking when it was Pat’s 60th the other day. Tom also won’t do milking today – the poor mite has been making sausages all day, and has “a dozen” phone calls to make in the afternoon (!).

But he will do the milking tomorrow.

Which just so happens to be his day anyway.

[Tom] “I know, and I’ll definitely do it”

[Tony] “Oh that’s nice to know …”

What’s the problem with pat making a speech?

Tom really wants her too. She doesn’t sound keen. Tony said he could. But Tom really wanted Pat.

Did I miss something?

It’s just a wee speech at the brand launch.

Odd.


Did we know Eddie was a grave digger?

Seems so.

In fact, he’s the official one at the Green Burial site.

The Archers Tuesday 3rd May 2011: The real election campaigning begins

click the title above, or the'read more' link below the bullet points, to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

• Young love is in the air
• Lilian’s key issue
• Jill’s key issue
• Was Oliver wandering around a bit tipsy?
• George got a space warrior
• Ed’s right to be suspicious of Will
• Slow broadband
• “We’ll let the voters decide”

Young love is in the air

[Lilian, on hearing about Spencer] “Good for Pip, I thought she had a bit of a spring in her step”

…

[Lynda on James and Leonie] “They did seem so happy together. So suited”

[Lilian, not convinced] “Hmmm …”

Lilian’s key issue

Jill finds Lilian seemingly looking at wildlife. Which is odd.

[Lilian] “ … the state of this verge … so untidy, a real eyesore … it’s a wilderness … don’t suppose it’s ever been properly managed”

[Emma] “Can’t say I’ve ever really noticed”

(does Emma actually have an interest in anything?)

All becomes clear. Lilian has a plan …

[Lilian] “Quite simple, but brilliant darlings”

Her idea is to get local businesses to support pieces of verge – pay for it to be tidied, reseeded and so on.

But, Lilian hadn’t thought it all through.

The business would expect something in return. Which would likely be an advert on each verge.

So – in the place of untidy verges – Ambridge would get mini adverts scattered around the village.

Hmmm. Not ensure that’s a vote winner, Lilian.



Jill’s key issue

Is to enter Ambridge into Britain in Bloom.

Even more cunning, is that she’s going to organise it with Lynda.

Which may actually lose her a few votes (Lynda isn’t exactly popular with every Ambridge resident), but will at least make sure it has a good chance of happening. What Lynda wants …

I reckon Jill’s onto a vote winner there.

Lilian better break out the bribes.


Was Oliver wandering around a bit tipsy?

Oliver had been out with an old mucker (Angus, who’s judging the hounds, apparently) for a long lunch.

He had a bit of a chat with Caroline about Roy’s leaving present (Caroline wants it to be special, even though she is a bit miffed. Leaving presents can be such a minefield).

[Caroline] “I hope he doesn’t come to regret his decision as much as I do”

Then, Oliver later wandered up to Ed, to waffle on about how he and Jim had just had a bit of a gentleman’s disagreement about politics. Ed wasn’t interested. He doesn’t really bother with voting.

The man sounded drunk to me.

Oliver becomes an alcoholic, which forces Caroline to finally retire to support him through it?



George got a space warrior

Which I’m supposing is a plastic toy figurine thingy. George was delighted, but I think Ed’s missing the point of spending more time with him. You can’t buy a child’s happiness …


Ed’s right to be suspicious of Will

Will’s offered to have George stay over with him and Nic again.

Ed sounded quite suspicious, but Emma was only too glad – she reckons she needs a break.

Slippery slope indeed. Where there’s a Will, there’s a way (for Ed and Emma to lose custody of George).


Slow broadband

Now that would be a good issue for Lilian to champion properly.

She reckons it is one of her campaigns – but it’s surely a better one than untidy verges.

Living in a rural area myself, I’m lucky enough to be near(ish) an exchange – but coverage is very patchy in my region.

I’d happily vote for someone (anyone) who could get that fixed. Especially considering rural businesses are increasingly dependent on the internet for selling (high petrol prices, local high streets deserted etc etc).


“We’ll let the voters decide”

When Jill and Lilian had been chatting through their (very different) campaigns ideas, it was all very civilised.

Not so the case when Lilian and Lynda have a chat.

For starters, Lynda reckons the verges are patches of wasteland. And:

[Lynda] “patches of wasteland are important natural spots … not weeds Lilian, wild flora”

[Lilian] “Next you’ll be telling me they’re miniature wild life parks!”

Which is more or less what Lynda was saying.

Lilian tries to turn it back onto Lynda – wasn’t Lynda’s guerrilla gardening in the same vein? – and Britain in Bloom is just:

[Lilian] “Flora clocks and potted geraniums!”

Lynda fights back. She reckoned she was at least:

[Lynda] “Not suburbanising them to gain some cheap publicity for local firms”

But, that was actually that. Lynda didn’t want to have a proper barney, which could lead to a “fall out with new family connections”.

(oh eeeek! James and Leonie’s wedding … the horror!)

[Lynda] “We’ll let the voters decide”