Monday, 31 December 2012

New Year 2012 in Ambridge: Mon 31.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Monday 31st December 2012
  • Of course Lewis can dance!
  • Lilian makes Whitby sound more alluring than New York
  • Tom didn’t even get the tea bags
  • Freddie got gel from Josh for Christmas
  • Kirsty did go the ball
  • Matt reckons Lilian’s The Bell of the Ball
  • “The best Christmas yet for sausages”
  • Tom’s bringing on middle age
  • I’m telling you … Ifty and Elizabeth ….
  • A’ the best for 2013!

Of course Lewis can dance!

[Lily] “Can Lewis do ballroom dancing?”

[Elizabeth] “When he was your age, that was the only sort of dancing there was, so everyone had to learn.”

Actually, I wonder if Scottish schools still do Scottish dancing as part of gym, as mine did.

Though you never wanted to touch your dance partner’s hand, it held us all in good stead for weddings and the like.

Lilian makes Whitby sound more alluring than New York

I didn’t think that would be possible!

Lilian sounds very down. She can’t pretend to muster much excitement for her “festive” Christmas, and New York was a very dour “marvelous”.

Everyone seems to think Whitby will be horrific in January (Lilian and Peggy leave for Whitby on Wednesday)

[Matt] “The wind will be whistling in from Siberia”

But Lilian knows what she’s doing. Her and Peggy’s hotel is a spa hotel.

Tom didn’t even get the tea bags

Tom went into the village shop to get tea bags, but Jim was serving/

When Tom got to paying for his tea bags.

[Tom] “Put my tea bags on the counter, offered Jim a fiver, but he just ignored it.”

Seems Jazzer’s warning to Jim that Tom was furious meant Jim was more interested in explaining to Tom why he’d written an article about Chris.

Seems Chris was more befitting to Borchester Life … especially as his workplace is more “picturesque”. Tom hasn’t quite got the same artisan workplace:

[Tom] “Which he referred to as my sausage factor.”

Ach well Tom.

When someone else is right, they’re right!

Freddie got gel from Josh for Christmas

Seems his hair was very noticeably gelled up.

Kirsty did go the ball

Seems Kirsty was quite nervous about going to the Lower Loxley New Year ball.

[Kirsty] “It’s the first time I’ve been to a proper, grown-up ball. No-one’s ever asked me before.”


Matt reckons Lilian’s The Bell of the Ball

Matt and Lilian are also at Lower Loxley.

He’s having a grand time. And is full of compliments for Lilian.

[Matt] “We make a lovely couple … not just on the dance floor.”

I don’t think, somehow, that Matt will be as chirpy as 2013 unfolds …

“The best Christmas yet for sausages”

Poor Brenda. She really can’t take Tom out anywhere!

After he starts talking shop, Brenda goes off dancing with Ifty.

[Kirsty] “That’s what talking about sausages does for you. Your girlfriends goes off with another man!”

Tom’s bringing on middle age

[Kirsty] “You always used to enjoy being drunk and raucous … oh dear, you don’t think you might be getting middle aged  before you’re time. You’re not eyeing up cardigans?”

Tom reckons not, but also reckons he’s happy to be settled. Wants to be married, Have kids, and the like.

[Tom]”If that’s being middle aged, well, bring it on!”


Think Tom should check if Brenda agrees?

I’m telling you … Ifty and Elizabeth ….

Kirsty sounded quite jealous of Tom being so settled. She doesn’t feel she has her future planned, or her ‘forever’ partner.

Ifty’s a nice chap, but:

[Kirsty] “I’m not sure that he’s husband material.”

Whereas …

Elizabeth couldn’t find Freddie. Ifty suggested the stables, which is exactly where Freddie and one of his wee pals were.

Elizabeth gives herself a hard time for panicking. She just can’t help herself.

[Elizabeth] “The thing is, it’s been two years now since Nigel dies. I should be getting used to it.”

[Ifty] “Why? … that’s just an average, it doesn’t work for everyone.”

Seems Elizabeth still thinks of “what Nigel would say” all of the time, and thinks he wouldn’t forgive her if anything happens to their kids.

She also thinks Nigel would have known where to look for Freddie … which is just what Ifty was able to do.

Odds on a romance between Ifty and Elizabeth …

A’ the best for 2013!

We didn’t get to hear the bells come in Ambridge (well, it has happened yet).

But I’d just like to wish everyone a healthy and happy 2013.


Chris is a feature boy: Sun 30.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Sunday 30th December 2012
  • It was Alice's idea, but she's annoyed
  • Let's Ear it for Jim
  • Mike and Vicky's baby due in a week
  • Did Lynda know?
  • Alice can be a right snob sometimes
  • Chris earns more than Alice
  • Jazzer gathers mourners for Bob
  • Jazzer sings for pints
  • Can Jazzer’s Glaswegian cousins be worse than the Horrobins?
  • Tom’s furious
  • Jazzer worries Jim

It was Alice's idea, but she's annoyed

Jim is doing his interview which Chris today, which has infuriated Alice. It's her only day off.

[Alice] "It's not as if he works!"

She reckons it'll take hours between the actual interview, and then getting photos at the Forge.

[Alice] "Sparks flying, sweat dripping, the craftsman at his toil ..."

(sounds Like Alice and Chris are still in their honeymoon period!)

Let's Ear it for Jim

Sorry ...

Poor Jim.

Seems when he walks into a room, folks now do the 'friends, Romans, countryman' line at him, then shout 'here they are!'


Mike and Vicky's baby due in a week


Doesn't seem that long since they found out Vicky was pregnant.

Seems Mike is getting a bit wound up.

Vicky was in hysterical laughter retelling (every single bit) of the Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza.

[Brenda] "I think he was worried she was going into labour"

[Tom] "Can that happen? Premature labour being brought on by excessive hilarity?"

I wonder if Vicky's girl will have the same birthday as Helen's Henry ...

Did Lynda know?

Well, we know Lynda didn't have a clue about Kenton's plans for the show, but Ambridge is very much divided.

Jim reckons she know.

As does Chris and Alice.

But Tom and Brenda could see Lynda's reactions throughout the show:

[Brenda] "Robert practically had to wrestle her to the ground to stop her leaping up on the stage."

The jury is out ...

Alice can be a right snob sometimes

Which is surprising, considering the family she's married into (The Horrobin side, not the Carters). But then again, not surprising considering who her mother is.

Alice had assumed Tom and Brenda wouldn’t be going to the Lower Loxley New Year ball as it was black tie, and such ... She then claimed she meant that it would be full of older folks ... hmmmm

Anyhoo - Brenda and Tom are going, with Kirsty and Ifty.

Chris earns more than Alice

Chris explains to Jim that he was always fascinated by the Blacksmith as a kid, that he wasn't good academically, and that he likes making things.

So, he became a farrier.

Though Chris still has "cold shivers" over the size of the loan h had to take out to buy the business, he does have plans to expand, eventually. Including taking on an apprentice (him or her ... good lad!).

When Jim asks him if he makes a good living, Chris reckons so. Very god, in fact.

[Chris] "Better than my wife, though she's had four years at University"

(Though he tells Jim not to print that. Could you imagine the fall out!)

Jazzer gathers mourners for Bob

Seems Bob Pullen's funeral is on Friday morn. As he didn't have much family himself, Jazzer's taken it on to make sure he gets a decent crowd.

[Jazzer] "It was be a tragedy it was half empty"

Jazzer really is a good 'un, on occasion ...

Alice reckons she won’t be able to get the time off.

[Jazzer] "A funeral’s an important rite of passage."

[Chris] "Alice works for a workaholic bunch of nerds who don’t understand rites of passage."

(meow! Earning more really has given Chris confidence)

Jazzer sings for pints

Seems everyone wants Jazzer to sing his Friar and Nun song again. To the point where he’s considering starting charging. Either a fiver for a charity of his choice, or a pint.

Can Jazzer’s Glaswegian cousins be worse than the Horrobins?

Folks are again gossiping about Clive. Everyone reckons it’s a real shame on Bert, having two sons in prison.

[Jazzer] “It's no his fault … and as for my cousins in Glasga …”


Can Jazzer’s Glasgow cousins really be worse than the Horrobins?

[Chris] “Alice's mum is scandalised, which is fun.”

Ah – I do like Chris’ sense of humour when it comes to Jennifer.

Tom’s furious

When Tom realizes that Jim is doing an article on Chris, he’s spluttering with fury.

He’d told Jim that he would be available for an interview, but Jim told him he couldn’t just do articles about Ambridge folks.

[Tom] “So how comes he makes an exception for you?”

Alice reckons it might be because Chris has a more artisan, traditional craft.

[Jazzer] “Nah, he just thinks Chris is a mair interesting person than you Tom, and mair photogenic.”


But hilarious that Tom’s nose is out of joint.


Jazzer worries Jim

As Jim is writing his article about Chris:

[Jim] “ … a young man forging his own opportunities …”

Jazzer comes back home.

[Jim] “Is that you Jazzer?”

[Jazzer] “No. It's a burglar!”

Jazzer then tells Jim that Tom is beyond angry at Jim for not doing his next article on him.

[Jazzer] “Upset, foaming in the mooth. he was all for coming round here and giving you some serious grief ... he's no a happy bunny!”

Maybe Jazzer takes this too far?

Jim will be terrified … Tom can pack a mean pointed finger!

The night of the Great Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza: Fri 28.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Friday 28 December 2012
  • Has Lilian run off to Paul?
  • Dedicated to Bob Pullen
  • Peggy wishes Clive ill
  • Kenton's great plan? Audience participation
  • Kenton gives Lynda the credit

Has Lilian run off to Paul?

Yesterday, we heard Paul encouraging Lilian to run away and join him in Dubai.

After a relentlessly angry day at Matt, we hard Lilian call someone and asking to "make a booking".


Turns out Lilian was booking her and Peggy into a break in Whitby, as they’d talked about on Christmas Day.

Seems last time Peggy was here was 1943 with Jack

[Peggy] "It was so romantic"

She won't have any romance going there with her daughter, but a lovely time shall be had anyhoo, I'll bet.

So - do we think it's only family ties that are keeping Lilian from running to Paul?

Dedicated to Bob Pullen

Nice thought to dedicate the show to Bob.

Though he probably would have hated it ...

Peggy wishes Clive ill

Gossip about Clive resurfacing at Bert's has made its way round Ambridge. Though, of course, Tom and Brenda live next door, so saw everything.

David can't fathom why Clive came back to Ambridge, but Peggy doesn't give a hoot.

[Peggy] "Let’s hope this time they put Clive Horrobin away for good"

Quite right too, Peggy.

Kenton's great plan? Audience participation

the evening starts off with Kenton hitting David over the head with his pig bladder on a sick. (Well, a balloon on a stick, to be exact).

[Kenton] "No pig was harmed in the making of the costume ... I am the Lord of Misrule, and boy do I intend to live up to my name!"

Kenton tells the audience that Shakespeare always played to the audience. Which is exactly what he intends to do.

[Kenton] "This evening is all about audience participation"

[Lynda, to Robert] "No it’s not!"

Robert tells Lynda to calm down, and give Kenton's way a chance.

[Robert] "He’s not spoiling the acts, he’s adding to it"

After every act, Kenton had something to do for the audience, related to the act.

For example, he asked Jim to repeat  a line from his soliloquy, then gave the audience their response:

[Jim] "Friends, roman, countrymen, lend me your ears"

[Audience] "Here they are!"

(I suppose we needed to be there ... As an aside, I really can't hear those lines without seeing Kenneth Williams speak them as Caesar in one of the Carry Ons. I used to love the Carry Ons. Though they’ve not aged well ...)

Kenton has the audience up dancing, wearing bells, and generally taking part. Which they seem to enjoy.

[Lynda] "I can see he’s taking the audience with him, but why didn’t he tell me?"

Robert reckoned Kenton reckoned Lynda wouldn’t have agreed.

[Lynda] "It’s not the show I planned. I shall have to go and hide"

[Robert] "You can’t hide. Don’t you want to try one of those new-fangled potato things!"

Kenton gives Lynda the credit

The overall reaction to the Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza was that a grand time was had by all.

[Peggy] "Extraordinary, but very enjoyable."

[David] "I had no idea what I was letting myself in for"

Jim wonders aloud how Lynda kept a straight face during rehearsals, considering what the reality of the show was going to be.

Kenton doesn't mention that Lynda also didn’t have a clue. In fact, she gets all the credit.

[Kenton] "Lynda knows how to strike the balance … High art, and low comedy."

Sunday, 30 December 2012

Paul asks Lilian to run away to Dubai: Thurs 27.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Thursday 27 December 2012
  • Matt’s finding Christmas a tad dull
  • Pat Fletcher’s still squeezing herself into a bodice
  • Kirsty and Fallon don’t kiss
  • Lynda and Lilian face off
  • Just get on a plane …
  • There’s little excitement about tomorrow
  • Lilian makes a booking

Matt’s finding Christmas a tad dull

[Matt] “What are you doing … I’m bored. Do you want to go for a walk?”

Lilian says no.

Matt even offers to take Lilian shopping again, to get that coat she’d tried on in Borchester.

[Lilian] “No. It’s very sweet of you. But no, thank you, really.”

[Matt] “It’s no good. I just don’t do down time.”

I would feel sorry for Matt – he is trying – but he’s brought a lot of this on himself. While I don’t condone cheating, I also don’t condone treating your partner like a mug for years and years and years …

Course, Lilian doesn’t want to go anywhere with Matt as she wants time to herself to call Paul.

Pat Fletcher’s still squeezing herself into a bodice

(for the Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza)

Seems her costume is so tight that Kirsty and Fallon are worried she won’t be able to sing.

A picture of that would be quite fascinating …

Seems that’s not the only problem:

[Fallon] “Pat Fletcher’s got this weird  swaying thing that she does.”

[Kirsty] “Like something from a gospel choir. Lynda’s got Molly skipping round in a  rip off of the film.”

Hey Nonny Nonny never sounded so intriguing.

Kirsty and Fallon don’t kiss

Rhys can’t make rehearsal, so Fallon and Kirsty rehearse his and Fallon’s love scene instead.

Though they skip the kiss at the end.

Lynda and Lilian face off

Lynda’s furious that Lilian missed the last rehearsal (while she was in New York). Of special note was that Lilian was due to have her costume fitted.

[Lynda] “As of now, the special privileges you have been claiming need to stop.”

Lynda seems to think that Lilian seems to think (!) that she can do as she pleases, because James is in a relationship with Leonie.

[Lilian] “For heaven’s sake Lynda, it’s a winceyette nightie off the market not a Karl Lagerfeld catwalk!”

Lynda’s really hit a nerve:

[Lilian] “If I can get my hands on some gall of goat and slips of yew right now I’d made this would production, not this whole village, disappear. Got it!”

Oh dear! Lilian really isn’t a happy bunny.

Just get on a plane …
Lilian finally gets to speak to Paul.

She says she’s feeling cooped up. Matt’s around 24/7. She wants to just get away from everyone and everything.

(don’t we all feel like that after being trapped with our nearest and dearest over the festive season?)

[Paul] “There’s plenty of flights to Dubai …”

[Lilian] “You're not serious?”

[Paul] “Try me”

Paul reckons they could stay with his sister, or in a hotel.

Goodness me!

What a  choice.

A Matt driving himself mad with nothing to do, or Paul in Dubai.

There’s little excitement about tomorrow

[Lynda] “I look forward to a truly uplifting evening tomorrow.”

Seems Lynda is the only one.

[Fallon] “It was all okay, it was just a bit flat. Nothing like the usual panto atmosphere.”

[Kenton] “Even with my witty banter?”

Not really.

Oh dear.

I hope Lynda is the only one clapping at the end.

Lilian makes a booking

When Lilian gets home after rehearsal, Matt’s hassling her to go away again.

(two men in one day – lucky lady!)

But they can’t. Lilian’s already committed them to going with Brian and Jennifer to Lower Loxley for New Year.

[Matt] “Uh, New Year with Jennifer and Brian. With any luck I’ll be dead of inertia boredom by then.”

Lilian snaps at him for moaning.

Matt storms off the bed.

Lilian picks up the phone, and asks to make a booking …

… is this Lilian going to Dubai?

Tracey sends Clive back to prison: Thurs 27.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Thursday 27th December 2012
  • Clive’s got a sore head
  • “He’s gone to Felpersham to meet some bloke about a Captain Pickard”
  • Tracy has a plan
  • Bert saves Poochy
  • Poochy saves everyone!

Clive’s got a sore head

I bet he does.

Clive has had to call his boss, and his customers, to apologise for being late.

He’s slept in.

Daft laddie doesn’t realise he was drugged.

“He’s gone to Felpersham to meet some bloke about a Captain Pickard”

I wish Gary would speak.

He sounds hilarious!

[Bert] “He’s gone to Felpersham to meet some bloke about a Captain Pickard”

[Tracey] “Another one!”


I reckon Gary could be a whole spin off eavesdropping episode of his own.

Tracy has a plan

Donna’s terrified.

[Donna] “What if he never woke up for the sleeping pills I gave him?”

She’s lucky she’s got Tracey onside, and willing.

Tracey tells Donna to call Clive, and ask her to pick her up from her house, in Ambridge.

Clive agrees to, but is fuming. He’s already behind with work after having slept in (though he still has no clue what happened).

When Clive turns up, Tracey will then call the Police. By the terms of Clive’s parole, he’s not allowed in Ambridge.

The Police nab Clive, Clive goes to prison, Donna’s free.

Bert saves Poochy

Also part of Tracey’s plan was to get Bert out of the house.

She asks him to go round to Donna’s to walk Poochy. Even paying for a minicab and giving him extra for a pint at The Bull while he waits for it.

When Bert gets into Donna’s, he can hear Poochy grumbling, but can’t find her.

Turns out Clive had locked her up (sounded like a cupboard) and her tied up.

Clive really should be sent to life in prison just for that alone.

Poochy saves everyone!

When Clive gets to Tracey’s, he’s not in a very good mood.

[Clive] “I’m just here to get what’s mine and then I’m gone.”

Though Tracey and Donna keep trying to stall him, and also  make an excuse to use the phone, Clive keeps thwarting them.

When Clive catches Tracey trying to call, her smashes her mobile. Though she does manages to make the call from another phone when Clive’s busy beating on Donna.

But Daft Donna proves again she’s not that daft.

While she’d been sent to spruce herself up (by Clive), she lifted his car keys.

Clive goes berserk.

Donna’s trying to hide from him, but he breaks the door down, grans her hair and even bites her hand to try and get his keys.

Actually – very brutal and disturbing.

Tracey gets into the room as well, takes Clive’s keys, and chucks them out the window.

Clive hits Tracey.

[Clive] “Don’t think I’m going to forget about this Tracey, you’ll get what’s coming to you!”

[Tracey] “I’m not scared of you!!”

Atta girl Tracey.

Just when it looks like someone is going to get badly hurt. Bert turns up with Poochy. Who attacks Clive and keeps his from hurting anyone or running away.

(Poochy, not Bert!)

[Clive] “Call her off!”

[Donna] “No chance.”

We can hear Police sirens on the background.

[Tracey] “Listen Clive, hear that?”

[Clive] “You’ve dobbed me into the cops. I’m your brother!”

[Tracey] “You’ve brought it on yourself. Kiss it all goodbye, cause you’ll be back in jail for supper.”


That was rather disturbing.

I don’t suppose Clive will ever be welcome by anyone Horrobin from hereon. Mind you, they say that every time …

Will Tracey also now forgive Emma for grassing?

And will Clive be put into the same Prison, wing, room … as Keith? That could make life even worse for Keith.

Bob Pullen’s passed away: Wed 26.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Wednesday 26th December 2012
  • Susan and Ed had a nice Christmas
  • Ruth’s being a witch to her cows
  • Ed’s scared of computers
  • Even the Village Shop is open
  • Jill mixes her pies up again
  • Jim reckons “dull but worthy”
  • Memories of Bob Pullen
  • Susan’s not going to judge Ed

Susan and Ed had a nice Christmas

Susan’s up early tidying, Ed’s up early for milking.

He lends a hand, but isn’t much use. He doesn’t know where anything goes.

They both reckons yesterday was really nice. The kids certainly had a grand time.

[Susan] “Lovely to see their little faces, opening their presents.”

Ruth’s being a witch to her cows

But it’s alright. She still have the upmost respect and love for her cow.

She’s just practising for the Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza.

Ed’s scared of computers

Well, at least he admits it.

Though quite a unique thing for a chap his age.

Ed knows Neil’s had a word with Ruth, so he now asks Ruth to show him dairy accountancy programmes.

She reckons he’ll save time, money and worry. Though it might look complicated, once he gets the hang, it’ll become second nature.

Even the Village Shop is open

There’s a sign of the times.

It’s only open until lunchtime, but even still. It’s a shame folks can’t cope with shops for more than 1 day.

Absolutely everything shuts down in deepest Galloway, where I live. And quite right too!

Anyhoo, Jim reckons they’ll be busy selling indigestion tablets.

Jill mixes her pies up again

Jim has to spit his own. His brain can’t accept that it’s real mince when he thought it to be sweet.

Jazzer doesn’t mind.

His brain will accept any food.

Jim reckons “dull but worthy”

Oh dear. He doesn’t have high hopes for the Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza being anything other than a bit of a damp squib.

Kenton begs to differ.

He reckons Jim will be “pleasantly surprised”

[Jim] “I shouldn’t be surprised that you’re taking her side, you seem to be an accolade of hers recently.”


Memories of Bob Pullen

[Jill] “I’ve just had a call from the hospital. It’s Mr Pullen. He’s dead.”

Jill’s very shook up. Kenton gets her a brandy.

We obviously knew Bob hadn’t been well over the last few weeks, but even Jill didn’t expect him to go this quickly.

[Jill] “Dear old Bob.”

[Kenton] “Mind you, he could be a cantankerous at times!”

Though Bob had a lot to contend with, according to Jill. What with being deaf and having bladder issues.

[Jill] “I remember though, he really laid into some chap one year for hogging the portaloo at the fate.”

Jim had a story Jazzer told him about Bob. “The great Ambridge Talent Show prize debacle. Seems Bob won his category for playing the spoons, Jazzer won his for singing. Jazzer got a hamper from Ambridge Organics, Bob got dinner for 2 at Grey Gables.

Jazzer wanted to swap so that he could take a lady, but Bob refused.

[Jim] “He turned up at Grey Gables and demanded Caroline convert his prize from one dinner for two into two dinners for one!”

[Kenton] “I think that we should all raise out glasses to a real character.”

And they reckon someone should tell Joe.

[Jim] “He’s going to be very interested …He’s now the village elder.”

Which I suppose will be a sad, happy and scary thing for Joe …

Susan’s not going to judge Ed

Susan’s having to accept that her house will no longer be pristine, with Ed, Emma and the kids around. Though she thinks they’ll need to adopt a code word for when she’s starting to lose the plot …

Ed’s ever so grateful to her for making the chance to her life, and sharing their home with them.

[Ed] “I know I’ve let her down … I’m going to do everything I can to get us back on our feet.”

Susan says she’s know that. And she can see how much Ed loves Emma and the kids, and how much Emma loves Ed.

[Susan] “I don’t want you to feel I;m judging you … with my family, what right have I got … New year, new start.”

Christmas Day 2012 in Ambridge: Tues 25.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Tuesday 25th December 2012
  • Rhys got Fallon rugby tickets
  • The Archers gather at Home Farm
  • Did Jazzer have two Christmas lunches?
  • Lilian needs to learn how to fib
  • Alice says “innit”
  • Peggy wants to go to Whitby
  • Lower Loxley’s Christmas seemed very brief
  • “Now it’s time for the famous Bull Christmas sing song”

Rhys got Fallon rugby tickets

Fallon got Rhys a sports watch (with all the trimmings). As he kissed her:

[Rhys] “Ah, look at that, hearty rate function off the scale!”

Rhys got Fallon a CD. And ticket to the 6 Nations in Cardiff.

[Rhys] “I did say when you took me on, love me, love my team!”

Just when we though Rhys was a complete amateur with women (who don’t like rugby), he gives Fallon another box. With a smaller box in that. Then an envelope. Which has a photo of Cardiff Bay in it, with an arrow pointing to a hotel.

That’s the hotel they’ll be staying in for the whole weekend – double deluxe room, sauna, spa and hair. Though Fallon does have to suffer the rugby, the hotel is a treat she’ll adore.

[Fallon] “Okay, you win, I love your team!

Good lad, Rhys.

The Archers gather at Home Farm

(the Peggy side of the clan. The Jill side are at Lower Loxley. Who we don’t hear from today)

Matt wakes Lilian up at 10am (that’s very late for Christmas day, though they are jetlagged):

[Matt] “You’ve got nothing to do today but sit at Home Farm and look gorgeous.”

At Home Farm, Alice passes round mini hamburgers, hot dogs and  devils on horseback.

[Lilian] “I suppose bacon and prunes would do for breakfast!”

The only other highlights of the day at Home Farm was Sipo in a Christmas costume on Skype, and The Queen.

[Peggy] “I do like to see The Queen”


Did Jazzer have two Christmas lunches?

Jazzer’s off to his mum’s for Christmas, but first needs to dull his sense with a few pints at The Bull. The first of which he demands is free …

When he gets back to The Bull later on, he’s actually had not too bad a time. Seems his brother Stu brought a new girlfriend, who he couldn’t stop arguing with.

[Jazzer] “It was great. I could just sit back and enjoy the show … Best you can hope for wae a dysfunctional family of mine.”

Jazzer wishes aloud that he could experience a “real Christmas” at least one time …

… which is aimed at Kenton, and Kenton bites. He invites Jazzer to Lower Loxley. Kenton reckons it’ll be fine as Jazzer lives with Jim. I’m not sure Elizabeth would be as reasonable when she finds she as one extra for lunch (though we never got to find out).

[Jazzer] “Kenton, you’re my Christmas angel!”

Wonder if Jazzer will be crawling along the road with a rather full belly, a la Vicar of Dibley.

Lilian needs to learn how to fib

When Matt mentioned to Peggy that Jennifer had been texting constantly while they were in New York, Peggy reckoned not.

Jennifer would have mentioned it.

And when her phone goes again later on the day, she claims it’s James. Who Matt knows has already called.

Lilian better brush up on her lying skills. It’s wee slip ups like that which will catch her out.

Alice says “innit”

Alice reckons Jim should interview Chris next for Borchester Life.

[Alice] “It’s free advertising, innit.”


Such vulgarity and faux ‘street’ slang.

Way beneath you.

Peggy wants to go to Whitby

Peggy used to have her and Jack’s anniversary to look forward to just after Christmas.

But with Jack ‘At The Laurels’, she’ll be alone again this year.

Lilian suggests she and Peggy so somewhere nice - St Lucia, as Peggy and Jack did for their  honeymoon.

But Peggy has other ideas:

[Peggy] “Whitby … well weather isn’t everything.”

I do adore our Peggy!

Lower Loxley’s Christmas seemed very brief

Kenton and Jazzer were back home in no time.

“Now it’s time for the famous Bull Christmas sing song”

Claimed Kenton, when he got back to The Bull.

(Bull Christmas sing song. Since when?)

The Bull demands Jazzer starts them off.

“Have yourself a merry little Christmas”


How lovely.

Donna escapes Clive: Tues 25.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 25th December 2012
  • I think it’s boxing day?
  • Clive answers Donna’s phone to Keith
  • Donna drugs Clive
  • Keith looks awful
  • Tracey has a heart

I think it’s boxing day?

Hard to tell in in Ambridge Extra land.

Clive answers Donna’s phone to Keith

[Keith] “What are you doing in our house?!?”

Clive claims he’s fixing a tap.

Then hangs up on Keith, and doesn’t tell Donna she’s called.


Donna drugs Clive
Clive had let himself to Donna’s. He then demanded to know where she’d been, and where she was off to this afternoon. He stakes her handbag, including her visiting order to see Keith this afternoon. He’ll give them back:

[Chris] “When I’m ready. Til then,. You’re going nowhere.”


Clive then wants to watch a film, but Donna can’t find Poochy.

Clive’s tied Poochy up in the garden.


Clive then demands a cup of tea.

Which Donna promptly drugs with pills.

[Donna] “Enough to knock out a horse.”


Not such a  Daft Donna after all.

Keith looks awful

Tracey was in seeing Keith, and he sounded a bit muffled at first.

Turns out he had his hand over his mouth to try and hide the fact he’d ‘lost’ a tooth.

H also hasn’t shaved, and has lost weight.

[Tracey] “So you’ve given up on yourself, have you?”

Sounds like it.

But the gang that’s beating him up every day also won’t be helping. When we hear Keith trying to settle down for the night later on, it’s to calls of “we’re going to get you, Horrobin!”

Keith’s more worried about Donna than himself. He hasn’t been able to speak to her for 2 weeks, and he’s not at all amused that Clive’s at his house. Keith’s worried Tracey told Clive about the loan shark, and Clive’s there to see him off.

(which I suppose could be a good and a bad thing)

But Keith suspects there’s more to it.

[Keith] “It’s killing me, this not knowing. Has she left me Tracey?”

Tracey comes good, and covers for Donna. She says Donna can’t cope with seeing Keith in prison.

But then, Donna turns up. And bless Keith – he notices she’s changed her hair (it must be love!).

Donna’s about to tell Keith about Clive, but Keith tells her first that she’s all that gives him hope. So she keeps stum.


Tracey has a heart

After their visit with Keith.

[Tracey] “It’s a good job we’re in a public place as my hand is itching to slap your face!”

Tracey starts shouting at Donna. Donna starts crying. Tracey realises there’s more to this horrible situation with Clive.

[Tracey] “I know I’ve got a big gob, but I’ve been known to shut up once in a  while and listen.”

Donna tells Tracey about drugging Clive.

[Donna] “He terrifies me.”

Seems Donna genuinely thought Clive was just loaning her the money (Daft Donna!):

[Donna] “It was the house and me he wanted.”

Donna reckons she was just so alone, so desperate that someone taking charge and looking after her made her feel safe. Course, Clive want repayment in kinds …

[Tracey] “He’d do that to his own brother. I don’t believe it … right! …”

Tracey tells Donna to stay the night while she works out what to do.

Though that means leaving Poochy alone, possibly with Clive.

Will no-one think of the dog?

Mike and Vicky have a wee dance: Mon 24.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Monday 24th  December 2012
  • Neil asks Ruth to talk to Ed
  • The Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza is a sell out!
  • Deck the Halls has left the building
  • The food panic buying for Christmas
  • Mike manages to get his arms around Vicky

Neil asks Ruth to talk to Ed

Neil reckoned Ruth would be the best person to help Ed with the management of his dairy business.  Ed agreed, but asked Neil if he’s asked Ruth.

(maybe that’s one of the reason’s Ed’s been struggling. He’s not capable of even asking a clo0se neighbour and friend for help)

[Neil] “I must say I really think that YOU could help him.”

Ruth agrees, but wishes Neil had chosen a better day to discuss this than the day before Christmas …

[Neil] “His money management, his cashflow, is almost non-existent … the milk cheque’s spent before he’s had it.”

Seems Ed is also behind in his rent, though Oliver has been “understanding”.

Ruth’s very keen to help. Though I hope it can wait til after Christmas. David’s taken time off especially!

The Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza is a sell out!

Kenton’s secret guerrilla stickering worked a treat.

Deck the Halls has left the building

Well, that was a bit of a non-entity this year.

We only really got to follow James and Leonie round Deck the Halls. Once.

Now they’re packing up.

[David] “What’s this, Deck the Hall with bits of lorry?”

[Elizabeth] “The poor things have to get to the ferry or they’ll never make it home for Christmas.”

If Nigel had been alive, it would have been far more magical …

The food panic buying for Christmas

[Elizabeth] “Mum’s always had this morbid fear of not having enough, now Shula’s getting as bad.”

David was charged with taking over Jill’s store of food to Lower Loxley. But:

[David] “Mum’s labelling system is something out of MI5.”

He’s grabbed the real mince pies for the Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza rather than the sweet mince pies.


David and Elizabeth seems to be revelling in each other’s company these days. They reminisce about Christmases past – when they were kids, and David used to steal food from the kitchen.

It’ll be a grand Archer Christmas after all.

Mike manages to get his arms around Vicky

Mike and Vicky are also revelling in each other’s company.

Vicky’s used the oils Mike gave her, and he reckons she smells, as well as looks, lovely. He puts his arms right round her, and their ever growing belly.


They then have a wee dance together.

[Vicky] “All right then. Let’s give it a go … so, is it like dancing with a block of flats?”

[Mike] “It’s like dancing with the most beautiful woman in the world.”

[Vicky] “It’s going to be different next Christmas.”

They’ll have their baby girl, who will have her stocking, and be surrounded by toys come Christmas morning (not that she’ll know what on earth is going on!). It’s something Vicky has always dreamt of.

Mike tries to tell Vicky that they can’t assume anything as yet.

[Vicky] “It’s alright Mike, I just like believing, that’s alright.”

(Vicky said this while a song with Believe in the lyrics was being played. I know Vicky can be corny, but come on!)

Tiger and Pusscat in New York: Sun 23.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Sunday 23rd December 2012
  • An Empire State Building of pancakes
  • Emma’s moving the mugs
  • A thought for Keith at Christmas?
  • Does Jennifer keep texting?
  • The brawn’s being prepared
  • Lynda sucks the life out of Jim
  • Pat Fletcher in a bodice … my word!

An Empire State Building of pancakes

Was what Lilian and Matt were having in New York.


[Lilian] “With a Niagara of maple syrup.”

Double yum!

Emma’s moving the mugs

To make it easier in the kitchen.

Steady on …

A thought for Keith at Christmas?

Will Emma soften towards Keith, now that he’s inside over Christmas?

No. She won’t.

[Emma] “Still, it’s being than being burnt alive.”

Does Jennifer keep texting?

Lilian’s mobile keeps making noises with all the texts she’s getting. From Paul.

She tells Matt it’s just Jennifer being incredibly jealous.

So she ignores them.

As Lilian’s phone cheeps merrily away, she snuggles up to Matt while taking a carriage ride round Central Park.

They then have a skate at the Rockefeller Ice Rink.

As Lilian remarks, it’s a far cry from the ice rink she used to go to in Birmingham. (though Lilian should remember that they’re in New York actually on her money …)

And still he mobile makes text noises.

Has the woman no shame?

Actually, I couldn’t care less.

Matt’s been awful to Lilian for such a long time that it matters not a jot if she’s now using him.

The brawn’s being prepared
This really will have to be an exemplary dish of brawn (at the Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza). Ambridge seems to have been buzzing about it for months!

It’s now being worked on in the Community Village kitchen. Marinating, one presumes.

[Jim] “It sounds like they’re wrestling an entire pig into the oven.”

And it seems Neville Both is on the cutlets … which is odd. Did I just hear that wrong?

Lynda sucks the life out of Jim

(my word … that could leave a very nasty rash indeed!)

Jim’s practising his soliloquy.

[Lynda] “Jim, I can’t have you dropping your voice like that … On every Honourable Man.”

Lynda’s close directorial approach isn’t exactly to Jim’s liking:

[Jim] “She has literally sucked the life out of my performance.”

In stark contrast, Kenton seems to be flourishing ‘under’ Lynda.

[Kenton] “Scarlett Pimpernel, in reverse, me.”

Lynda’s very impressed indeed that Kenton’s there to watch every act, seemingly to make sure he gets the Lord of Misrule’s introductions bang on.

Such behaviour does not impress Jim:

[Jim] “Toady … Sycophant … Crawler.”


Pat Fletcher in a bodice … my word!

Susan’s in charge of the costumes for the Extravaganza.

She’s bought  £2.99 gowns from the market to make into witches:

[Susan] “I'm going to have my hands full getting Pat Fletcher into a bodice …”

[Emma] “Literally!”

Though Susan does draw the line at putting Jim into his toga. He can most definitely do that himself.

Lilian and Paul love each other: Fri 21.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Friday 21 December 2012
  • Love is in the air
  • Tracey doesn’t entice sympathy
  • Ed and Emma move in with Neil and Susan
  • A warm welcome at the Carters house for Santa
  • Matt whisks Lilian away to New York

Love is in the air

Lilian is already back on the phone to Paul already. It’ll be the last time until he leaves for Dubai to spend Christmas with his sister.

Before they ring off, they both say they love each other.

This is serious …

Tracey doesn’t entice sympathy

Tracey’s told Susan she didn’t get the restaurant job.

[Susan] “I know Tracey’s not having much luck at the moment, but things might go better if she didn’t moan so much.”

Harsh. But then again. Tracey doesn’t seem to have much sympathy for Bert and his sprained wrist.

Neil and Susan hope he’s managing, but I wonder why they don't just pop round. He really doesn’t live that far away.

Ed and Emma move in with Neil and Susan

Neil and Susan have made a real effort to make Ed and Emma feel at home. They’ve even redone a whole room, just for George.

Though it’s also a worrying time for Susan. She still remembers Ed and Emma (and a tiny George) having to live in that caravan.

[Susan] “I suppose it brings back bad memories for me … they were only there because Ed couldn’t provide anything better for them.”

Neil reckons Ed has done good enough for himself since then. Susan isn’t as convinced.

Emma’s just as unconvinced that this move is going to be good for George.

[Emma] “He’s had a lot of homes in his little life. Not to mention Will’s two nights a week.”

But Ed reckons he’ll be fine. All this moving will mean George is good at packing.

Emma’s actually feeling quite positive about the move. Ed’s obviously feeling a tad despondent, but promises that Emma will never have to go to the food bank again.
[Ed] “I will do everything I can to make sure all this is only temporary.”

[Emma] “I’ve got you Ed. I love you, more than anything.”

When they’re moved, George is beyond happy with his room. Susan and Neil have even bought them a football duvet cover.

Emma insists she’ll help with the shopping, cleaning, cooking, washing and will contribute to housekeeping (Susan can’t believe how much time she’ll have on her hands), and Ed wants to pay rent and contribute to bills.

Neil won’t hear of them paying a penny.

[Neil] “That’s just daft …You work hard Ed. You’ve had a really tough time. And we’re going to help you through.”

Thoroughly decent chap, that Neil.

A warm welcome at the Carters house for Santa

Santa has been told of George’s new address.

Neil’s cleared a space on the patio for Santa and his reindeer to park.

And Susan has carrots in.

[George] “It’s going to be the best Christmas ever!”

Matt whisks Lilian away to New York

Matt had told Lilian he had organised a surprise.

He’s taking her to New York for the week.

[Matt] “I should burst into song really; we’re going to New York Pusscat!”

Boy, he really is trying.

But, somehow, I don’t think flashing the cash is going to dig Matt out of this one.

Jazzer sings his bawdy tale: Thurs 20.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Thursday 20 December 2012
  • Elizabeth chooses weddings
  • Pip’s looking for woolly hats
  • Jazzer sings his song for Lynda
  • Is Joe’s farmer’s cough fake?
  • Like hen’s teeth, but actually Joe’s teeth in a turkey
  • Bob Pullen still isn’t well
  • Wolfgang has pneumonia
  • Jill’s the unsung hero. Again.
  • “Quite something to be spending Christmas day in a stately home.”
  • Lynda doesn’t like to say I told you so
  • Bad memories for Eddie

Elizabeth chooses weddings

Fair do.

It’s a way to converts the dairy into a profitable business that’s in keeping with lower Loxley … but I still think it’s a bit of a gamble.

Pip’s looking for woolly hats

But, according to Jill, she’s looking for bargains.

Pip’s seemingly endless supply of ready cash for the ski holiday must have dried up.

Jazzer sings his song for Lynda

[Jim] “Jazzer’s worried Lynda might find it a bit more bawdy than she’s expecting … this is an noble, medieval tradition.”

[Eddie] “Of filth!”

But I failed to hear what was rude about Jazzer’s ditty.

Jim had to ask Lynda to be gentle on Jazzer. He’d been practising his song, and was also taking Latin lessons from Jim.

I didn’t get the whole of Jazzer’s ditty down, but it was along the lines of: There was a friar of old green - offered the nun to learn her to sing - groped with flattery.

I didn’t really hear anything risqué. Every for Elizabethan times.

But, Lynda seemed to find it a tad full on.

[Lynda] “I don’t know what to say. It was very, tuneful. You sang with great gusto Jazzer.”

[Jazzer] “Is that a good thing?”

I’d suppose so.

Is Joe’s farmer’s cough fake?
Surely not (!!!).

Though Jazzer reckons it is.

Joe’s farmer’s cough seems to get worse when he’s sat on the village green, selling mistletoe and holly.

Jazzer reckons he just does it to get people to feel sorry for him, and buy.

[Joe] “I don’t care if they feel sorry, as long as they buys it.”

Like hen’s teeth, but actually Joe’s teeth in a turkey

I kid you not.

Clarrie (who is still very silent) found some of Joe’s false teeth in a turkey.

It was the ones he’d lost apple day. They must have gone into the crusher, been crushed, then eaten up by a turkey.

[Joe] “Two of them grinning up at her when she opened the bird, gave her quite a fright!”

Joe thinks it’s hilarious. Eddie not so funny.

He’s desperately trying to keep Joe’s voice down so that folks who have bought turkeys don’t start demanding refunds.

Bob Pullen still isn’t well

[Jill] “It’s a shame, just before Christmas too.”


And at his age (well, well over 90? Certainly older than Joe),

Wolfgang has pneumonia

But Lynda is taking good care of him.

So, not to worry.

Jill’s the unsung hero. Again.

First off, she’s secretly helping Kenton with whatever Kenton is up to.

[Jill] “Kenton’s making me nervous. You know what he’s like”

And she’s doing a stunning job on the food, and also with Kathy on the decorations.

[Lynda] “The Gingerbread stars are a masterstroke!”

“Quite something to be spending Christmas day in a stately home.”

I’m absolutely stunned that Jim Lloyd said that.

He puts himself across as such a democrat (in the old sense of the world).

Still, he and Christine have been invited to Lower Loxley with the rest of the Jill side of the Archer clan … so I suppose it would be churlish to not be excited.

Lynda doesn’t like to say I told you so

But he does do it, sometimes.

She’s revelling in being right about having told Jim not to trust Borchester Life.

[Lynda] “I didn’t think the rash of green grocer’s apostrophes was your work.”

[Jim] “Is that supposed to be funny?”

Poor Jim.

Bad memories for Eddie
Ed and Emma having to move out of Rickyard reminds Eddie of when he and the rest of the Grundys were evicted from Grange Farm, all those years ago.

[Joe] “Ambridge View though lad, it ain't like having to go to Meadow Rise.”

[Eddie] “It's the shame. Feeling you can’t provide for your family … I feel like I failed him too.”

Joe coaches that all they need to do is focus on helping Ed and his family from hereon.

[Joe] “we'll all have to do our best to set them back on their feet, won’t we?”

Saturday, 29 December 2012

Clive’s a total fruit loop: Thurs 20.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Thursday 20 December 2012
  • Tracey does really well in an interview
  • Donna’s kissing Clive while Poochy barks
  • Bert’s sprained his wrist
  • Clive gets nasty
  • Donna tells Tracey about Clive

Tracey does really well in an interview
I underestimated Tracey.

After hearing her interview, I’d have given her a job!

She’s trying for a waitress position.

Why did she leave her last job?

It was fulfilling, and didn’t leave her time with her kids.

Why does she want this job?

She likes working with food, and was a supervisor in her last role.

Why does she want to work in a  restaurant?

She’s very easy to get on with (!)

The Tracey adds that she knows the importance of customer service. And that she can always tell how good the customer service is by the state of the ladies’ toilets. After all, folks want an experience, not just to eat.

Blimey! Tracey really is good at this. She must be a natural, as I can’t imagine her studying an Interview book.

Tracey gets offered the job there and then.

BUT the job offer is then retracted when Tracey’s asked for references. She can’t give them, as the school would only have bad things to say.

[Tracey] “What I know don’t matter.”

As a result of losing one job and not getting the other, Tracey has had to cancel the tablet she was going to gift Brad. She didn’t get deposit back. And reckoned the sales woman looked at her “like dirt”.

Tracey’s very down.

[Tracey] “I just don’t know how it all happened … Just because I gave that snooty teacher a  piece of my mind.”

I do feel sorry for Tracey.

Donna’s kissing Clive while Poochy barks


Donna should listen to Poochy. She (he?) was growling with every breath, then broke out into barking.

But, Donna seems to really enjoy Clive’s attention. She’s even sleeping better, without her sleeping pills.

Clive demands that Poochy gets put outside. Donna at least protests that it’s too cold.

[Clive] “Put her in the kitchen Donna, eh. How can I concentrate on you properly with that dog giving me evils?”

He then makes her tell him that she missed her. After which, he kicks Poochy when Donna is out of the room. And then denies it.

[Clive] “Are you calling me a liar?”

Clive really is a bit of a scary creep.

He then tells Donna he doesn’t want them to fall out, because:

[Clive] “I’ve got some money for you. For the mortgage.”

He then tells her he should move in. Then he could pay the full mortgage every month.

[Clive] “And when the time’s right, you could even put me on the mortgage,. Then you wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore … now brew us a cup of tea, eh?”

What what what???

Clive is both evil and incredibly twisted.

But, Donna’s daft enough not to stand up to him.

Bert’s sprained his wrist

While standing on a stool, trying to get some drill bits.

He’s really been in the wars.

Someone needs to be keeping a closer eye on him.

Clive gets nasty

Donna tries to tell Clive that he’s going too fast for her.

[Clive] “We’ve known each other for years.”

[Donna] “Not in this way.”

Donna asks for them to take a breather over Christmas, but Clive’s not having it.

[Clive] “So, what are you planning to do for next month’s mortgage?”

Ah – trapped.

Clive then switches Donna’s phone off when it rings, then takes it away while he gets her a proper new one.

He then goes out.

[Clive] “And when I get back, I'm sure you can think of a nice way to thank me.”

Oh dear god.

This is horrible.

Donna tells Tracey about Clive

But Tracey’s to self-obsessed to hear Donna properly.

[Donna] “Tracey, I’ve gone and got mixed up with Clive … he’s moving in.”

[Tracey] “You what?”

[Donna] “At first, I just let him kiss me  …”

[Tracey] “You did what?”

Tracey doesn’t hear Donna’s appeal for help. All she can hear is that Donna has cheated on Keith.

[Tracey] “Is this your sick idea of family loyalty, no wonder you need sleeping pills, I couldn’t live with myself let alone sleep at night!”

Who can Donna turn to now?

The Great Cheltenham Farce: Wed 19.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Wednesday 19 December 2012
  • Mike, Vicky, Paul and Lilian are in Cheltenham
  • Are they all going to the same Italian?
  • If it was so posh, why did Paul have to get the salt and pepper?
  • What a palaver!

Mike, Vicky, Paul and Lilian are in Cheltenham

Not together, of course.

Mike has taken Vicky to go shopping, as a birthday treat.

Lilian is having a tryst with Paul.

Just so happens they all decided to go to Cheltenham on the same day.

How funny …

Are they all going to the same Italian?

High drama indeed!

Vicky’s buying another mobile for their little ‘un.

While Paul is buying Lilian a rather stunning new dress.

He and Lilian even share a kiss in the shop …

Will Vicky and Mike see Paul and Lilian kissing in the shop?


Paul has booked himself and Lilian into an Italian for lunch. Mike also mentions an Italian to Vicky.

Did they all end up eating in the same Italian?


Though Mike had intended to go to the same one Lilian and Paul ate at, it was fully booked and he reckoned looked too posh anyway. The lesser posh one had more of an atmosphere conducive to Vicky being able to look at her shopping.

[Mike] “Does that mean we’re going to be sharing our meal with the polar bear?”

If it was so posh, why did Paul have to get the salt and pepper?

When Matt called Lilian, Paul went off to get salt and pepper.

Surely a euphemism?

Such a classy joint would have salt and pepper would be set out?

Or was the chef that good that adding extra was not allowed?

What a palaver!

Paul and Lilian wanted every moment together. He’s going away for Christmas to see his sister, so this may be the last time they see each other for a while.

The plan had been for Paul to drive Lilian as close to home as safe to do so, but Matt scuppered that by saying he’d pick Lilian up from Hollerton junction.

Which meant Lilian would have to step off of a train.

So – Paul drives Lilian to Felpersham.

Lilian gets a train from there.

Which just so happens to be the same train that Mike and Vicky are taking home. Lilian also happens to get on the same carriage.

(of course!)

Lilian then has to pretend she hadn’t just got on the train at Felpersham.  She claims she had to switch carriages as someone was playing music loudly. And she got onto their carriage from the platform because the connecting doors were broken.

(well, she could have just said she’d nipped out for a very quick ciggie while the train had stopped)

When they get to Hollerton, Matt then insists they drive Mike and Vicky home. Which drives Matt and Lilian to distraction:

[Matt] “Blimey, that woman can talk, I think I know the contents of her nursery better than Mike.”

Worse still, Matt thinks the dress Paul bought Lilian is her gift to him.

He insists she wear it on Christmas day.

Lilian has promised Paul; she’d think of him every time she worse it.

Oh dear.

This could get nasty.

Blindfolds, bells and bladders: Tues 18.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Tuesday 18 December 2012
  • The Axeman cometh
  • Neil needs Ruth to be subtle
  • Kenton and Jill go all James Bond
  • Susan and Neil gorge
  • Tracey only has herself to blame?
  • Weddings it is
  • Did we do stir up Sunday?
  • Jill is ashamed to know Morris Dancers

The Axeman cometh

Jim’s no a happy chappy

The new Borchester Life magazine is out, featuring Jim’s interview with Mike.

[Jim] “I shall never be able to show my face in Ambridge again!”

[Jazzer] “What’s he doing with that naff woolly. He looks like a right Jessie.”

(Mike did try and tell Vicky that’s what his mates would say)

Seems the editors have cut down Jim’s article to the point where it’s nothing like the original. Worse still, they cut it AND ruined it.

[Jazzer] “You’re an interesting bloke Jim, hut you can go on a bit. Sometimes less is mair … who really wants to read a lot about Mike Tucker?”

But Jim’s not to be placated.

He reckons they’ve dummed it down. And is horrified that the article is now called: ‘The Axeman cometh’

[Jim] “Look at that apostrophe. They’ll think I'm illiterate … my lovely semi colons, all gone.”

[Jazzer] “Most people wouldn’t know a semi colon if it bit them.”

Jim and Jazzer adjourn to The Bull, where Jim is deeply in mourning. His article has been “cut short in its prime”.

[Jazzer] “As you can see, he’s taken it to heart. It’s the artist in him.”

Jazzer tries to comfort Jim by telling him that no-one reads Borchester Life anyhoo …

Neil needs Ruth to be subtle

That’ll be interesting.

Neil’s still worrying about Ed. He’s angry with himself for not having noticed that Ed was having such huge problems.

He also thinks Ed shouldn’t be hard on himself. As Neil said the other day, he also had problems when he first started out.

[Susan] “They were never down to sloppy paperwork.”

But Neil points out that Ed’s only ever been taught about stock. Why would he know how to manage a business?

So he needs Ruth to help out.

But subtly.


Kenton and Jill go all James Bond

Kenton is the chap behind the guerrilla stickering.


He’s got Jill roped into helping him – but it all has to be very cloak and dagger. Kenton reckons it’s more fun that way.

And Jill does seem to be enjoying it. She even suggests she puts a candle in her window to let Kenton know the coast is clear for visiting her after Elizabeth has been … but as Kenton points out, he can just check if Elizabeth’s car is gone. 

Susan and Neil gorge

While being distressed about Emma.

[Neil] “A daughter of mine starving herself to feed her own kids.”

Neil and Susan seemed to be eating for hours while they talked.

How ironic.

Tracey only has herself to blame?

Word has filtered through from Ambridge Extra that Tracey has lost her job.

Susan reckons she’s just unlucky.

Neil reckons she’s her own worst enemy.

A bit of both, I reckons.

That snotty teacher didn’t help matters much.

Weddings it is

Elizabeth visited a place called Barefield Manor, who have already created accommodation for weddings, as Elizabeth intends to do.

Seems they’ve gone from 15 to 35 weddings in a year. The jump in numbers is down to folks being able to drink at the wedding, then inly have a short stagger to their bed.

This might just be me – but is an extra 20 weddings a year worth a £70,000 + loan?

Seems like a small, and very slow, return.

Did we do stir up Sunday?

I don’t think so. It just came to me that I don’t remember a mention of Stir Up Sunday in Ambridge.

Wasn’t it on 25th November?

How sad, if it has been dropped as an Ambridge tradition.

Jill is ashamed to know Morris Dancers

Kenton needs Jill to get him extra mince pies, blindfolds, bells that go round people’s ankles and pig’s bladders.

The mice pies and blindfolds are no problem (I really don’t want to know why Jill has multiple blindfold type things to hand …)

For the bells:

[Jill] “Why don’t you ask some Morris dancers?”

[Kenton] “I don’t know any. I bet you do.”

[Jill] “Why should I … oh well yes …”

Seems Jill knows the Edgley troop that did a demo for the WI.

Why Pig’s bladders?

[Kenton] “Blown up to bop people on the head with.”

Of course!

Jill suggests Kenton ask or Neil.

But then has the brainwave that Kenton could just use balloons on sticks.

What fun!

Donna gets intimate with Clive: Tues 18.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 18 December 2012
  • Keith tripped
  • Clive takes advantage
  • Tracey loses her job
  • At least Bert walks Poochy
  • Donna chooses Clive over Keith
  • Clive comforts Donna

Keith tripped

Or at least that’s what he’s telling everyone.

We got the joy (not!) of listening in to Keith getting beaten up

When a prison officer fins him:

[Officer] “Look, lad, you’re showing yourself up”.

The officer tells Keith that he has to buck up. He can’t show he’s weak. He must be respectful, but not humble. He needs to join courses, never look at his feet, don’t tell anyone about himself, keep busy and keep out of trouble.

[Officer] “You’ve a long road ahead of you.”

Am I being daft in thinking that Clive could ask to be put on the special wing, away from general prisoners?

It would mean living with some very undesirable others – but isn’t that preferable to being beaten up for being a grass … for 2 long years …?

Clive takes advantage

Well, we all knew this was coming.

Clive’s brought Donna roses.

Clive reckons he’s dumped Jackie.

(who mist not have existed in the first place)

Clive also brought Donna truffles.

And is going to fix her boiler.

[Clive] “Keith will see me right, when he gets out.”

(I bet he will!)

[Donna] “Oh Clive, thank you so much.”

[Clive] “I said I’d help you out, and I meant it. I’m a man of me word, me.”

Clive then tells her that he’s taking her out for a meal that evening.

[Clive] “It’d be nice to have such interesting company, and even better when it comes in such an attractive package … You’re a lovely woman Donna. I always said so … if I had a sweet woman like you, I’d have never got myself banged up. My brother is such an idiot.”

Clive then gives her money to get her nails and hair done, and also tells her what dress to wear.

[Clive] “The one you wore to mum’s funeral. You looked a cracker in that.”

(On. My. Word. There’s so much wrong with that, I don’t know where to begin)

Tracey loses her job

As if Bert making his trellis on the kitchen table isn’t a frustration enough (Bert claims it’s too cold out), Tracey has also been told she won’t be needed back at the school. She was only on a monthly contract and though they have still offered her a formal hearing, Tracey won’t suffer it.

[Tracey] “Oh what’s the point. They got it in for me there anyway, they can stick their job. … All I wanted was a nice Christmas for everybody, why should that be too much to ask?”

Tracey has a point that it would have been far more fair to tell Tracey after the Christmas break that her services were no longer required, but I don’t suppose they can have folks who use ‘excessive force’ on kids working in the school.

At least Bert walks Poochy

At least someone is treating that dog well, other than giving it cuddles.

What type of dog do we think Poochy is?

Donna makes her (him?) sounds like a wee yappy type thing, but Poochy has quite a butch bark.

Donna chooses Clive over Keith

Donna was due to see Keith with Tracey, but calls Tracey (while outing on a cough) to say she’s too ill.

[Tracey] “You don’t sound to me like you’re at death’s door.”

Well spotted Tracey.

Donna’s off out with Clive.

Tracey covers for Donna when she sees Keith. Obviously for Keith’s sake, rather than Donna’s.

Keith’s very upset about not seeing Donna. He’d also called their house earlier on, but only got Bert.

Seems some of the other prisoners have been winding him up about how wives don’t always stay faithful …

Clive comforts Donna

Donna’s about to send Clive a text.

She’s not sure whether to end it with a kiss.

She decides to do so.

The giggles.

What a silly, silly woman …

Anyhoo, when Clive picks Donna up, he also gives her a necklace to go with her dress.

[Clive] “You need somebody who knows how to treat a lady.”

He kisses her.

Donna kisses back.

[Donna] “Oh, that wasn’t supposed to happen.”

[Clive] “No. You sure … we all need some comfort sometimes …Donna, you know I;m attracted to you, I think you are to me too … you are so hard to resist … And I won’t tell if you don’t.”

And off to bed they go.


Eddie shouts at Will: Mon 17.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Monday 17 December 2012
  • Vicky’s birthday
  • Eddie gives Will what for
  • Neil’s shocked by Ed’s office

Vicky’s birthday

Vicky got to sleep in until 9.30am, got breakfast in bed.

Brenda gave her a dressing gown.

Mike got her aromatherapy oils.

[Vicky] “And from such a posh shop too”

Mike got them to be able to give Vicky a back rub … which would be a treat for them both.

Vicky’s stunned when Mike tells her that the oils are definitely okay for pregnant women, as he asked the woman in the shop.

[Vicky] “You went in yourself, you didn’t send Brenda … the thought of you in that shop, that’s the birthday present.”

I can imagine so! Mike making all of that effort is a lovely thing (and I know asking a question in a shop isn’t generally a difficult thing, but it is normally gruff and rough Mike we’re talking about here!)

And to top it all, Mike’s going to take Vicky shopping to Cheltenham.

My, my.

Seems Cheltenham is THE place for Ambridge residents to go for shopping.

I wonder if Vicky and Mike will be in Cheltenham the same day as Lilian and Paul …

Eddie gives Will what for

Will’s got Eddie in to do some (paid) maintenance work with him around the estate.

Will can’t contain his anger at Ed.

[Will] “Unbelievable, Ed mismanaging that nice little business so badly he can’t even keep a roof over his family’s head!”

[Eddie] “I’m sorry you see it like that, seeing as I didn’t manage it either … if anything it was worse, at least Ed’s got somewhere nice to go!”


Will had forgotten that Eddie had lost Grange Farm first …

But that doesn’t stop him ranting.

[Will] “You can’t compared what happened to you dad. You didn’t have a rich backer … I’d die of shame if I out my family in that position.”

As Eddie points out, Oliver has nothing to do with the farm now. Ed hasn’t had a penny off of him.

And, Eddie reckons Will hasn’t a clue what it’s like to try and find rent every month, what with his house coming with the job. All Will knows is what it’s like to collect rent – and even that house (on the Green – the one that Tom and Brenda live in) was handed to him.

Which it was.

Will counters that if Ed had been willed the house, he’d have sold it and spent the money on drugs.

Eddie gets furious at the very notion Will is calling Ed a junkie. Will reckons he wasn’t far off, as he used to use crack cocaine.

[Will] “I always put my family first.”

[Eddie] “Except when it’s your brother.”

Eddie urges Will to think of George.  Does he want George to think it’s okay to treat a sibling like that? Would he want George to do the same to his brothers and sisters?

[Eddie] “And with all that., you can even spare a bit of compassion for your brother. Can you be a bit kind?”

Will starts to rant again, but Eddie tells him to shut up.

[Eddie] “You better change your attitude before Christmas, or your mum’s going to have something to say to it.”

(Will Clarrie have something to say? She’s been ever so quiet of late)

Neil’s shocked by Ed’s office

Ed’s ‘office’ is next to the bulk tank.

It’s teeny. Barely enough for a desk and chair.

I’m not sure why the size of it mattered, but can only assume it’s indicative of how Ed treats the business of his business – something to be shoved into a corner and not taken too seriously.

Neil’s then horrified to find out that Ed puts most of his costs on his credit card. And uses his Single Farm Payment to cover his credit cards.

Neil reckons the Payment is meant to cover next year’s bills. To let Ed plan ahead.

The catastrophe continues … Ed doesn’t know if the value of his milk covers his costs.

[Neil] “I think you not knowing is the root of your problem.”

[Ed] “I ought to be able to work this out for myself.”

[Neil] “Why, no one ever taught you about it  … ,lord knows where I’d be if Phil Archer hadn’t given me a helping hand when I started.”

Next step, according to Neil, is for Ed to talk to Ruth about dairy management software.

Ed will have to accept their help, like it or not.

Matt makes breakfast: Sun 16.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Sunday 16 December 2012
  • Matt’s sooking up again
  • More teasing on Lynda’s posters
  • Ruth’s got a hangover
  • Joyce serves sponge and guilt
  • Shakespearian jokes
  • A Llama is better than Lilian
  • Matt offers alcohol and “whatever”

Matt’s sooking up again

Lunch, supper, toast for James … and now breakfast. In bed, no less!

Matt’s really pushing the boat out.

He even suggests that go and visit Joyce to see how she’s settling into her new flat.

AND he remembers that Lilian has a rehearsal later on.

Even Lilian hadn’t remembered that.

More teasing on Lynda’s posters

[Lynda] “Good heavens, it’s happened again. Someone has defaced my poster!”

This time, the stickers say: ‘Anything can happen and it probably will’, and makes mention of the food.

[Kenton] “It’s a tease. Intriguing.”

[Lynda] “Misleading. I know exactly what’s going to happen!”

Kenton still denies he has a hand in this.

[Lynda] “I'm having rather a trying time .. ‘taste the glories of Elizabethan England’, indeed!”

But just as Will was more interested in buying tickets because of the last sticker message, Usha was intrigued by these new ones. She hadn’t realised there was food.

Maybe Lynda needs to accept that whoever is behind this (*ahem* Kenton *ahem*) is actually doing a grand job of selling more tickets.

Ruth’s got a hangover

After her anniversary last night.

She can’t even make rehearsals today.

Joyce serves sponge and guilt

Over at Joyce’s, Matt and Lilian enjoy her sponge. Which is seemingly divine.

But there was an overwhelming sense that Joyce was wishing the sponge would choke Matt. Though Joyce loves her flat:

[Joyce] “I just wish our old home together could have been as nice.”

Shakespearian jokes

Kenton has been making up his own Elizabethan jokes:

[Kenton] “How many Elizabethans does it take to light a light bulb … none … they haven’t been invented yet!”


But Lynda insists that all jokes should be gathered from Shakespeare.

She recites a few.

[Kenton] “Morecombe and wise can rest easy”

A Llama is better than Lilian

According to Lynda, after she’d heard Lilian practise her witch.

[Lynda] “You seem to have picked up Ruth’s witchy voice, and Lilian, you sound worse than my Wolfgang!”

[Kenton] “Well, she wasn’t bleating”

[Lynda] “He has a terrible cough.”

[Lilian] “Here, was I supposed to make that rhyme.”

[Kenton] “Well I suppose it did it Shakespeare’s time.”

(ho ho!)

[Lynda] “You know, I’m beginning to see why this is supposed to be an unlucky play.”


Sounds hilarious to me!

When Lilian gets home:

[Matt] “How was the rehearsal?”

[Lilian] “Confusing …”

Matt offers alcohol and “whatever”

Matt pours Lilian a large G&T.

A snuggle.

A “soppy” DVD.

[Matt] “ …or whatever you fancy …”

Which I assume relates to adult relations …

… I think Lilian’s getting enough of that elsewhere.

Matt makes supper: Fri 14.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Friday 14 December 2012
  • A real tree for the Carter household
  • Jazzer is risqué, not rude
  • Paul likes the way Lilian eats Linguine
  • Neil offers Ed help
  • Matt buys quiche

A real tree for the Carter household

No idea why – but Neil let Susan scramble about in their attic, looking for their false tree, before telling her that he’s bought a real one off of Mike.

Though Susan hates the needles, she agrees she wants to make it a special Christmas for George and Keira.

(someone needs to tell Neil and Susan that you can easily get real ones which don’t drop their needles. I’m writing this on 29 December, after our tree has been up for over 2 weeks now – not one needle has fallen of its own accord … those on the floor were all due to our foster greyhound’s taste for the end of the branches. Bless).

Jazzer is risqué, not rude

According to Lynda.

Well, she hasn’t heard his Friar song in full yet, so maybe she should without her judgement …

Paul likes the way Lilian eats Linguine

She really can do no wrong in his eyes. Everything she does is sexy.

Lilian is ravenous.

[Lilian] “You have given me back my appetite, darling.”

They arrange to meet next week in Cheltenham.

Seems like they can’t get enough of each other.

Neil offers Ed help

As Neil is helping Ed to move, he also offers to take a look at his books. Just to give an extra opinion on them.

Ed reckons no. He can manage.

(damn his pride!)

But later on, Ed agrees.

(hang on … does Ed not have an accountant? If he does, he’s got a rather rubbish one)

Matt buys quiche

When Lilian gets home, Matt’s got quiche and salad in for supper.

He’s even taken them out of their packets, and put them onto plates.

[Matt] “Well, Tiger missed his little pusscat”

With James and Leonie away, Matt wants to settle down with Lilian, and have “a really great Christmas”

Think he knows about Paul?

Lilian and Paul have adult relations again: Thurs 13.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Thursday 13 December 2012
  • Lilian wants to say goodbye in London
  • What’s in a name, prt 2
  • Guerrilla stickering
  • Will’s fuming
  • Paul loves Lilian

Lilian wants to say goodbye in London

James is back off home, and is surprised to see Lilian also has her cases packed. She’d like to accompany him.

[Lilian] “Main thing is that we get a few more hours together and I won’t have to say goodbye to you here.”

(that later turns out not to be true. Lilian lying and using her son … she’s starting to behave like Matt!)

Typical James, he doesn’t really want Lilian to stay with him. He can only offer her a futon. But, Lilian has already booked a hotel.

Sounds dodgy to me …

What’s in a name, prt 2

Vicky now likes Michelle, or Michaela.

And maybe Nicola.

But that one was as she was talking to Nic …

Guerrilla stickering

Seems someone has been sticking stickers on Lynda’s Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza posters, saying ‘Special Guest … Featuring the one and only Lord of Misrule’.

[Lynda] “Who has done that. It has quite spoiled the impact of my poster.”

Kenton claims it’s nothing to do with him. He reckons he must just have a secret fan.

Lynda is aghast, but calms down when she realises this might play in her favour:

[Will] “That makes it sound interesting, don’t it … I wasn’t going to bother, what with I being Shakespeare and all that.”

(do any of us not believe Kenton is behind this?)

Will’s fuming

Ah, back to normal service then.

Nic’s told Will that Ed and Emma are moving, and that George is quite happy about it.

[Will] “So happy about this move, I don’t believe a word … when he comes to stay here over Christmas, he won’t have a proper home to go to … just because my brother’s so flipping useless, he can’t even keep a roof over their heads.”

The way Will sees it, they’re moving just before Christmas, and will technically be “on the streets”.

[Nic] “Stop slagging your brother and think about what’s good for George … it must have really cost Emma to come up and tell me!”

[Will] “She’s only got herself to blame.”

[Nic] “These things happen … to people for no fault of their own … you’ve been lucky Will, Ed hasn’t.”

[Will] “You make your own luck.”

Nic tells Will to wind his neck in, and calm down.

Which he does.

But I doubt that’s the last rant we’ve heard about this.

Paul loves Lilian

Of course, Lilian is only in London to have a rendezvous with Paul.

We’re back in bed with Paul and Lilian

[Lilian] “Oh Paul, I’m not much good to you, am I … those times I kept putting you off, kept you waiting … Darling, why does life have to be so complicated?”

[Paul] “Leave all that, forget it … my Lilian. I love you.”

[Lilian] “Oh!”

[Paul] “Happy?”

[Lilian] “Oh yes. Yes I am.”


Conspiracy against Tracey: Thurs 13.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Thursday 13th December 2012
  • Sarah Martin sounds like a right b*tch
  • “Oh God, Clive Horrobin!”
  • Tracey’s accused of “excessive force” on a child
  • Donna hasn’t got enough food for Poochy
  • Does Clive have a girlfriend?

Sarah Martin sounds like a right b*tch

She was the teacher who caught Tracey asleep on the job the other day. Then smelt Tracey’s hangover. And reported her to the head.

So, when Tracey hears this Sarah Martin gossiping about her, she sees red.

[Tracey] “Excuse me, Ms Martin.”

Tracey then starts to shout at Sarah Martin …

[Sarah] “God, we’re not on Jeremy Kyle Tracey!”


That just makes Tracey even more furious.

“Oh God, Clive Horrobin!”

Was what the bloke cried when Clive Horrobin jumped him.

It was the bloke who’d been loan sharking Donna.

Clive gives him a beating, and makes him guarantee that Donna’s debt is cancelled.

How can Clive be sure the guarantee will hold?

He also takes the bloke’s mobile, and takes down his mum’s phone number.

(that’s actually quite clever of Clive)

[Clive] “Nice doing business with you. Oh. Merry Christmas!”


I don’t like Clive at all, but that bloke had it coming.

Tracey’s accused of “excessive force” on a child

Tracey was trying to break up two kids from fighting, during which she grabbed one of the kid’s arms.

Sarah Martin sees it happening, and claims Tracey was far too rough.

[Sarah] “So you admit it, you used excessive force on Martha!”

Tracey tries to wiggle her way out of it:

[Sarah] “Don’t you trying an treat me like your kids, you patronising cow!”

Yikes! Jeremy Kyle, it is!!!

Sarah now claims it’s a child protection issue, which will need to be reported.

[Tracey] “You scheming lying toe rag, Sarah Martin!”

Tracey’s sent home, and the local authority will be involved.

[Tracey] “But I really didn’t hurt Martha.”

[Sarah] “And that’s what the officer will reveal. Have some faith in the system.”

Tracey reckons Sarah has fitted her up because she was embarrassed to be caught gossiping earlier on.

Conspiracy …

[Sarah] “You see, that’s exactly your problem there, everyone knows what a short fuse you have, and all that drinking just exacerbates it … why not try the supermarket, or there are some lovely little pubs around here!”

What a witch!

I agree with Tracey. It is a fit up, but Tracey can also blame herself for her hangover the other day, which started this all off.

So – Tracey might be out of a job ahead of Christmas. AND she’ll miss the school carol concert.

Donna hasn’t got enough food for Poochy

[Donna] “Naughty dog … eaten the cushion … jumping on the furniture … I know, you’re missing him as well, aren’t you?”

Well, considering Donna doesn’t even have any food in for Poochy, and doesn’t sound like she’s walking her (him?), I think Poochy’s problems is from a lack of attention and an empty belly.

Poochy sounds like a clever (albeit nippy) wee thing.

She (he?) certainly doesn’t like Clive.

Does Clive have a girlfriend?

He claims so. But his flat shows no sign of a woman in residence.

Just a ploy to make Donna feel that his intentions are purely honourable?

I would think so.

Clive’s spending a lot of time complimenting Donna, while making sure she’s dependent on him for money.

This can’t end well …

George hasn’t got a Christmas tree: Wed 12.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Wednesday 12th December 2012
  • George now knows he won’t be home for Christmas
  • Disco in the Library!
  • Bob Pullen has bronchitis
  • Elizabeth and Ifty?
  • Ed leaves Will to Emma
  • Jill and Kenton have a secret

George now knows he won’t be home for Christmas

George was wondering why they haven’t got a Christmas tree at Rickyard.

It’s because he’s moving. But hasn’t been told as yet.

Ed and Emma decide to tell him, with Ed neatly sidestepping the problem to leave Emma to do it.

Bizarrely – Emma tells George the reason for moving is to give Keira her own room. As if George needed any new reason to feel she’s the favoured child.

But, Emma made George excited by telling him all the wonders of Susan and Neil’s (bigger room for George, Sky TV and the like).

So, now they only have to tell Will …

Disco in the Library!

Sounds fantastic.

Lucky twins!

It’s Freddie and Lilly’s 13th birthday.

They’ve got their mates over.

BUT Elizabeth forgot to cancel Freddie’s math lesson with Ifty.

Though Ifty doesn’t seem too perturbed. Though he refuses cake, he would like a wander round Deck the Halls.

Elizabeth joins him …

Bob Pullen has bronchitis

Poor Bob!

He’s now in hospital.

Though I’m sure he’ll enjoy his visits from Jill and Christine.

Though at his age, this all seems very ominous …

Elizabeth and Ifty?

They seemed very cosy as they were walking round Deck the Halls. And seemed to click from word go.

Ifty also told Elizabeth his dad died when he was 14. Something which (I don’t think) he’d even told Jim during his Borchester Life interview.

I wonder …

Ed leaves Will to Emma

What a wuss Ed is being. He leaves George to Emma, and refuses to also talk to Will. Ed just wants Will to “find out”.

Emma plays it sensibly, and approaches Nic first.

Emma can be a brave lass sometimes. She told Nic everything – the reason why they have to move.

[Nic] “Oh you poor thing. I wish you’d told me sooner.”

Nic reassures Emma that she doesn’t need to worry and Will. She’ll tell him, and make sure he behaves.

As only Nic can do!

Jill and Kenton have a secret

Kenton’s worried about the Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza. Tickets still aren’t selling.

[Kenton] “It’s bordering on disaster, We need to take some serious action … we need to give the punters more than ‘hey nonny nonny’ and inedible food!”

Jill was quite offended at that. She’s doing the food!

But Kenton explains that he thinks the show needs to me “more fun”. Things like “piping in the potatoes”.

(oh such japers!)

We aren’t told exactly what Kenton has in mind, but he needs more Elizabethan costumes and tatties. And it’s all a secret with Jill.

Interesting …

Rhys and Fallon double date Kirsty and Ifty: Tues 11.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Tuesday 11th December 2012
  • Double dating has rules
  • Elizabeth asks David about the dairy conversion
  • What to buy a new girlfriend?

Double dating has rules

Nothing dubious though – just an all-out ban on Ifty and Rhys talking about sport. Or anyone mentioning Shakespeare.

(are Rhys and Fallon tiring of the Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza? Surely not …)

[Ifty] “Are they worried we might break out into spontaneous soliloquys?”

The boys are worried that without sport, they’ll have little else to talk about.

Neither know what else there is to talk about without sport

Elizabeth asks David about the dairy conversion
What on earth will he know about it?

I know Elizabeth is trying to make up for not talking to David for a fair while – but let’s be sensible!

Anyhoo – Elizabeth talks weddings and conferences. Fundamentally, a small or big conversion.

Elizabeth’s very much sold on going for the weddings, though David is shocked at the work (and expensive) they’ll have to do just to increase up to 25 weddings a year. Even with more specialist weddings like “green” and “Asian”.

To be fair to David, Elizabeth just really wanted a sounding board.

[Elizabeth] “It’s just nice to be share it without someone close. Someone who is on my side.”

(sorry … why isn’t Lewis considered close or on her side?)

What to buy a new girlfriend?


Ifty’s worried he’s bought Kirsty too much. Which could make him seem too keen.

At first, Rhys wouldn’t say what he’s bought Fallon for Christmas. Then he admits that he’s bought Fallon a voucher for an album.

Which might make him seen not keen at all.

[Ifty] “It’s a total cop put. Only total losers give vouchers. Trust me, I know women, she won’t respect you for it. You need to be bold. You need to choose an album for her.”

[Rhys] “Okay, but she’s into all these super cool super bands I’ve never heard of from Leeds and Morecombe.”

(eh?  Leeds and Morecombe???)

BUT Rhys then remembers Fallon liked an Ella Fitzgerald Christmas song.

So he’ll get her that.

One song?

Is that enough?!?

Donna goes for a drink with Clive: Tues 11.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 11th December 2012
  • Donna has financial woes
  • Tracey’s up in front of the head
  • Bert still wants to go to Susan’s
  • Tracey goes shopping
  • Keith got soap
  • Bert’s rambling
  • Tracey won’t help Donna
  • Clive’s there for Donna

Donna has financial woes

The bloke from the ‘Independent Financial Company’ is round hassling Donna for a repayment.

Daft woman took a loan from him.

[Loan bloke] “It’s a payday loan, today I get paid.”

When Donna tells him she hasn’t got the money on her, he forces her into his car to go to a cash machine.

Seems Donna owes the chap £540, but as she can’t make her full repayment today, he’ll take £200  and add on steeper interest. Once he’s got his money, he also refuses to take Donna back home.

[Loan bloke] “I’ll be back next Tuesday Donna. Merry Christmas.”

What a silly woman is that Donna.

When she’s later in seeing Keith, he tells her to tell Tracey about the loan shark. He also tries to help with the other bills, but the guards won’t let Donna show him. They take the paperwork away, and take Keith away from a strip search.

A tad overkill, but surely Donna can cope with paying bills herself – or even be capable of understanding a bill on her tod.

What can Keith do about it from prison?

Right enough, when Keith later on tries to call the electricity company to deal with the bill, he finds he can’t. Every number he wants to call must be on his cleared list. It’ll take until well after Christmas for the number to be approved.

Maybe Tracey can help ….

Tracey’s up in front of the head

It’s been established that Tracey was asleep while supposed to be supervising the kids, so she has to go to a hearing.


Anyone else reckon Tracey will soon be claiming the dole again?

Bert still wants to go to Susan’s

Bert’s obviously worried about the quality of the Christmas dinner on offer at Tracey’s. She’s even had to get a  frozen turkey, after missing out on all of the Grundy turkeys.

He reckons it’s stupid putting Tracey to such bother when Susan is already cooking.

[Bert] “It’s such a vexation for you. Susan likes cooking …”

Bert nearly (just nearly) said that Susan was a better cook, when pointing out that she does all the proper trimmings.

Of course, Tracey does not concur.

[Tracey] “All that fuss over chucking a turkey into an oven for a few hours, and boiling up loads of sprouts … she always did think she was a cut above …”

Though as Tracey said that, she also put two bags of sprouts on her shopping list.

Later on, Bert realises Tracey’s making a real effort, and drops all talk of going to Susan’s.


I doubt Emma and Tracey could have sat at the same table without coming to blows.

Tracey goes shopping

Though Bert reckons he doesn’t need anything, Tracey wants to get him a treat.

She’s also getting presents for Emma’s kids.

[Tracey] “It’s not their fault if their mother is a cold callous backstabber, is it?”

And while she’s there, she gets tablets for both of her kids.

Has Tracey got that sort of money to start off with?

Keith got soap

Donna’s visiting Keith. She’s not enjoying the experience. Some chap keeps staring at her.

[Donna] “The bloke with the two fingers tattooed on the back of his head.”

The chap is talking to a woman who is likewise staring at Donna and Keith.

[Donna] “I don’t like the look of her. Very common.”


Keith tells Donna the chap is from the gang. Who Keith grassed up. So are therefore not impressed with Keith.

Still, it’s not all bad for Keith. He tells Donna he managed to get a bar of soap.

[Tracey] “Last time I spoke to him he was trying to trade his cereal for some.”

What a life …

… course, it’s how own fault for setting fire to Brookfield’s barn.

Bert’s rambling

He’s been out fixing up a willow trellis for a climbing rose. In memory of the Nat King Cole song. In memory of Ivy.

Seems they met on a youth club ramble.

[Tracey] “It’s you that’s rambling.”

Tracey won’t help Donna

Donna takes Keith’s advice, and talks to Tracey about her money problems.

But Tracey won’t help.

Not. At. All.

She reckons she hardly has any money herself (true) and that Donna shouldn’t be worrying Keith with money problems (slightly true).

Donna reckons it’s Keith’s fault they’re in this mess.

[Tracey] “You’re sat there with a designer handbag and gold wrapped around your neck.”

Actually, Tracey gets quite aggressive at Donna. She’s obviously been annoyed with Donna for a few decades or so.

[Tracey] “You’ve had it easy all these years, Keith’s treated you like a princess.”

So. Keith can’t help. Tracey won’t help.

Who can Donna turn to?

Clive’s there for Donna

Donna goes out for a drink with Clive.

She’s feeling very sorry for herself. Very put upon, alone and now reckons Keith never had any time for her.

(she’s obviously never noticed he was out and about trying to keep her in the lifestyle she was accustomed. By legal and illegal means).

[Clive] “Think of me as your own personal shoulder to cry on.”

Oh dear …