The Archers Friday 29th April 2011: The Royal Wedding

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• Kenton’s putting yet more bunting
• Kenton then gives “Jamie a reality check”
• David – that’s just not cricket
• Jamie. Home. Being polite.
• Did I hear mention of a silage clamp?
• Ambridge on Kate and Will

Kenton’s putting yet more bunting

But it’s again not at a great height. So little to no chance of anyone else dying, while trying to undo one of Kenton’s knots.

[Kenton] “At a time like this, every man has to do his patriotic duty”

Actually, maybe he should put them up a bit higher and make sure one of our lesser-favourite-Ambridge residents has a go …


Kenton then gives “Jamie a reality check”

Busy chap today, is our Kenton.

After manfully wrestling with the bunting, he then takes on the untamed, obnoxious little beastie that it Jamie.

And Kenton didn’t tread too lightly either.

[Kenton] “It’s time you stopped living in never never land”

Kenton tells Jamie all. That Jolene “isn’t cool” about Jamie living at The Bull indefinitely. That she isn’t his mum. That he needs looking after. That £10 a week isn’t really contributing. And that he belongs with his mum.

Jamie gets a tad tense, so Kenton says his bit, then leaves Jamie to “work the rest out” by himself.

I wonder if Jamie is capable of managing anything by himself? And if he’ll get the message? Finally??



David – that’s just not cricket

It would seem that David wants to quit the cricket team.

So that gives Shula a reason to send Alistair over to speak to David about his post-traumatic stress (as diagnosed by Shula and Ruth, unbeknownst to David).

Alistair does try. But he’s as bad as trying to get David to speak as David is as speaking.

David was evasive, Alistair got nowhere and David is quitting the cricket team.



Jamie. Home. Being polite.

Looks like Kenton did manage to get through to Jamie after all.

My word.

Not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing. Our last experience of Jamie living at home was shouting, shouting, shouting, shouting.

He walks back ‘home’ and starts quite well. Attempting to first just head to his room, he stops to say:

[Jamie] “Yeah I’m staying … I mean … if that’s okay with you?”

[Kathy] “You don’t have to ask”

I’ll say this quietly so that I don’t scare it away … but could this be Kathy and Jamie finally talking to each other like decent human beings?



Did I hear mention of a silage clamp?

I think I did.

Hurrah! It’s silage time already!!


Ambridge on Kate and Will

[Kathy] “Hope they look as happy in 10 years’ time”

(does that woman every feel any joy? Then again, she did end up watching it alone at home …)

[Shula on Alistair what Alistair reckons to the wedding] “has better things to do than watch daytime TV”

[Jolene] “Didn’t they look happy … proper happy”

[Kenton] “The royals can put on a god show, I’ll give them that”

[Jolene] “Raise your glass please … the happy couple. Kate and William!”

Clarrie and Kathy cried buckets. Those in their separate homes. Then told each other on the phone.

And that was that.

Quite a relief, really, after the rest of the BBC was 24/7 wedding!

But, seems a nice time was had by all, which I won’t be cynical about. For once …

The Archers Thursday 28th April 2011: Will wants to breed

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• Kathy begs Jamie (again)
• No. Will cannot be allowed to breed again
• Bad idea letting Kenton do the bunting
• Kathy begs Jamie (and again!)

Kathy begs Jamie (again)

Kathy manages to grab Jamie as he’s heading off to school.

She grovels and begs, playing to his ego without a care that this is all rather humiliating for her.

[Kathy] “Surely you can see you’re making it very difficult to know what to do”

[Jamie] “Do what?”

Kathy tries to explain to Jamie that he’s confusing her – turning up at her house, going away again – but is there much point in trying to talk to him anymore?

I think he might just actually be quite thick.

Still, he seemed to react well to:

[Kathy] “I’m missing you … want you back living home with me where you belong”

So she offers him pizza and to “talk properly, like grown-ups”

*sigh*

Come on Kathy. Jamie’s not a grown up. He’s not even ‘mature for his age’. He’s a 15 year old boy who’s getting more and more impossible, but all the adults round him keep giving him more and more excuses.

I’m a confirmed lefty. But even I’m thinking ‘National Service!’ everything Jamie wanders near a hidden microphone.



No. Will cannot be allowed to breed again.

Will pops home during the day to see Nic, and have a talk (the shock being that he doesn’t want just his thermos filled).

[Nic] “So, what else did you have in mind?”

[Will] “These last few days, well over the holiday, while I’ve been spending time with George …”

But Will doesn’t get a chance to talk to Nic, as she nips off to collect the kids.

So, of course, Will calls his mum instead.

[Will] “Well, I eh, I dunno … it’s about Nic … have you talked to her lately? In the last couple of weeks. Since Keira was born… I was wondering, how did she, well, I mean, what kind of things has she been saying about baby?”

But Clarrie also doesn’t have time to decipher Will’s mutterings. She’s finishing work, and wants to get off, get home and put her feet up.

Later on, Will gets home again, and tries to speak to Nic again.

[Nic] “You’re doing it again Will. Coming on all deep and serious.”

[Will] “Well maybe I am.”

[Nic] “You’re worrying me now.”

[Will] “I’ve been thinking, how do you feel about us having a baby”

Silence … you could almost feel Nic’s horror.

[Nic] “Maybe. But why?”

[Will] “Why not? Have our own baby. Yours and mine, another Brother or sister for George”

[Nic] “Will, I … I don’t know what to say. This is all such a surprise.”

[Will] “But you’d like that to, wouldn’t you?”

[Nic] “I …I don’t know. It’s such a big thing. And it’s right come out of nowhere”

[Will] “No. It hasn’t. I’ve been thinking about it for a while.”

[Nic] “But for me. Can’t you see. I mean. It’s just too much. I’ve got too much else to think about … I can’t even go there now …Will, please. Not now. Not today”

Will’s not entirely got the message. He seems to think that Nic just needs to have a bit more time to think about it.

Did he not notice her reaction? She’d rather tend to Mia’s slightly sore throat, than sit and talk babies with Will.

Stay strong, Nic. I have no idea what you see in Will, but please make sure he doesn’t father any more poor mites.



Bad idea letting Kenton do the bunting

I know it was a banner last time, but Kenton really shouldn’t be allowed to tie anything up again.



Kathy begs Jamie (and again!)

So Kathy’s new ploy is to apologise for everything that happened over the last year or so. And promise that Jamie can basically do as he likes, if he comes home.

It’s so difficult to feel any sympathy for Kathy, when she’s debasing herself for a little twerp like Jamie, but I do feel a bit sad for her.

[Kathy] “Jamie. I’m missing you. Come on home. Please”

I reckon he will this time. More’s the pity (for us all).

Ambridge Extra Thursday 28th April 2011: The Royal Wedding … eh???

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• Still can’t get the hang of Ambridge Extra’s alternate universe
• Marty “would” Fallon
• “whatever”
• Larger and chips for Alice and Chris
• Chris is a genius
• Finding Pip and Spencer quite endearing
• Jamie goes to the toilet, can’t afford pizza and suffers Polly
• The Royal Wedding (a day before the rest of humanity)
• Chas: the not very scary loan shark

Still can’t get the hang of Ambridge Extra’s alternate universe

I really can’t work it out.

One minute, it’s behind ‘normal’ Ambridge days – then it jumps forth in time.

Hard enough working out which teenage lad is talking, without having to cope with time travel theorem.

It has to be a conspiracy.

How can the secret microphones be recording on Friday when it’s Thursday, unless something strange and sinister is afoot.

Maybe that’s why the Barwick Green version is so damn terrifying … setting the tone.



Marty “would” Fallon

[Jamie – saying he prefers no Jolene] “It’s just me and Fallon. We have a laugh.”

[Marty] “I would …”

Seems “I would” means that Marty would quite like to set his cap at Fallon.

He reckons he was talking hypothetically, as Fallon’s way out of his league.

I don’t know, but. Fallon might welcome any male attention after her very long drought.

Whatever did happen to Harry? Why’s he not speaking? Did he and Fallon fizzle out as fast as they fizzled on?


“whatever”

I’m a bit perturbed that Ambridge Extra is starting to make me think and sound like an old grumpy person.

Jamie was talking to Marty about how he also doesn’t like Kenton’s overtones:

[Jamie] “He’s always on my case. Trying to buddy up and take an interest. Well he can forget that”

So, Marty, hearing that Jamie was now not entirely happy at The Bull came up with a fairly reasonable suggestion:

[Marty] “If you do go home. I reckon your mum would be so desperate, you’d have her right where you’d want her”

To which Jamie only said a quick ‘not really what I want to do’ – to which Marty replied “whatever”.

I don’t get it.

They were having a conversation – Marty suggestions something – Jamie doesn’t entirely agree (but isn’t argumentative or dismissive) – so why the “whatever”?

I thought that was just (by young ‘uns) to mean that they were bored or disagreed with what you were saying, and didn’t have the vocabulary to express themselves in a more traditional way.

Fair enough.

But “whatever” during a matey chat?

Lost on me.

And damn you! Damn you all!! I don’t want to sound like my granny used to (give me a few more decades, at least).



Larger and chips for Alice and Chris

Brilliant. That Chris knows how to show a lass a grand time.

(I’m actually just jealous)


Chris is a genius

He gets extra chips. And then lands major brownie points for watching something he doesn’t want to, in a place he wants to be.

Chris tells Alice he’ll watch the Royal Wedding (well, “Kate and Will” to Chris) for her sake, and quite ungrudgingly, as long as they do so in the pub.

Nice.

Alice’s happy that her man cares enough to think about what she wants to do, and her man is happy that she’s happy, in the pub with him.

Evelyn Waugh would have a tough time finding something to write about with those two as his only inspiration …



Finding Pip and Spencer quite endearing

Just as Ted and Peggy in Ambridge proper are really sweet, Spencer and Pip are being quite heart-warmingly tender.

[Spencer] “I always enjoy skittles night”

Bless them.

They have a jolly nice time at skittles, then Spencer mentions that he has a cunning plan instead of watching the wedding (which Pip is none too bothered about).

And Spencer’s a farmer.

That’ll be Brookfield’s future sorted, then.



Jamie goes to the toilet, can’t afford pizza and suffers Polly

Not sure why Marty was hanging round the toilets while Jamie was in there

[Marty] “You’ve been a while mate”

I thought it was just women who shared public toilet experiences. Well, apart from the occasional gentleman’s-gentleman.

Jamie’s having a bit of a rubbish time. He thought he was going to Spud’s house (whoever Spud is), but they end up in a Pizza place.

He can’t afford a pizza. Marty offers him some of his, but he doesn’t like pepperoni. And Polly is in the corner “with some stupid rugby player”.

Goodness me. As if Jamie needed anything extra to moan about.


The Royal Wedding (a day before the rest of humanity)

Rhys reckons she’s run off and married Gavin Henson …

[Rhys] “ realised she’s got to go to Wales to marry a real man”

The Bull is serving Royal wedding lager:

[Rhys] “I sing Rule Britannia while I pour it”

Pip and Spencer avoid the wedding to find a quiet spot. He’s used orienteering calculations to:

[Spencer] “not be seen for miles … the changes of anyone not interrupting us should be very slim … bride and groom should be appearing on the balcony of Buckingham Palace, and you know what everyone’s hoping for … what I’ve been hoping for for days …”

(and they kiss)

Alice wouldn’t say no to their 10th year anniversary blessing happening in Westminster Abbey.

And:

[Rhys] “Are you going to hang around now then? Spend the rest of the afternoon in a romantic alcoholic daze?”

(no. Chris and Alice went back home)

And that was that.

What a brain freeze.

Wonder if the microphones will be caught out? Will something extraordinary happen tomorrow? Would serve those microphones right for being so un-Ambridge.



Chas: the not very scary loan shark

You find me in a very negative mood with Ambridge Extra, and I do apologise.

But I couldn’t help but think that Chas sounded a bit weak as he was trying to pressure some bloke called Reggie into paying back his loan.

I think most folks would have laughed at his attempt at ‘I’m a Mitchell!’ routine. Or bounced him out of their house.

Maybe he’s picking on particularly weak/vulnerable people, as Reggie certainly seemed to be scared.

[Chas] “Come on Reggie. I know you’re in there. I can see you, you fool”

[Chas] “Believe me, old chap, ask around. You really don’t want to let me down.”

I’ll start a fund to raise Reggie’s £400, if only not to have to suffer that insufferable twerp Chas playing the big man again.

The Archers Wednesday 27th April 2011: We should have seen J coming …

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• Leonie’s being nice
• Kenton’s telling Jolene what to buy
• James wants to take “ma” to lunch
• “… the joker and the ice queen”
• Jolene feels like a new woman
• Leonie returns to form
• The very idea of James and Leonie breeding
• Kenton gets off of his bum

Leonie’s being nice

Cripes almighty!

Lynda is a bit put-out that Robert’s doing Leonie a full English breakfast. Lynda opts for muesli instead.

She’s also not entirely convinced by Leonie’s sudden happy mood. Leonie is seems to be “in a better place” and is “happier” (according to Robert).

[Lynda] “By that you mean there was no snide comments about my role as a grandmother …”

Leonie was even:

[Leonie] “Dreaming about (Lynda’s) pear flan”

Robert’s putting it all down to Leonie’s new bloke. Who she’s mysterious about. And who she calls Jay. But it later turns out we probably should have seen that as ‘J’ …

And what’s this?

‘J’ then mysteriously appears in Borchester in time for lunch at The Bull.

(I still didn’t get it, at this point)


Kenton’s telling Jolene what to buy

I don’t care if someone had been lovely enough to take me to Monte Carlo. I’d still have given them a slap if they told me what I could and couldn’t buy in duty free.

Jolene picks up some cigarettes “for Lilian”, but Kenton won’t let her purchase them.

[Jolene] “You don’t let a girl have any fun … I’ve been so good. I haven’t touch a cigarette”

Kenton that even accuses her of always choosing tables outside to eat at, so that she could inhale the smoke of others. (though he was saying this quite light heartedly).

So Jolene reckons her reward for not smoking is to smoke.

I reckon Kenton’s onto a losing battle with this one.


James wants to take “ma” to lunch

Which is when I had my ‘eureka’ moment.

J … James.

James being mysterious about his social life, Leonie being mysterious about her new man.

James and Leonie.

Ah ……


“… the joker and the ice queen”

So as they arrive at The Bull, Lynda and Robert, Matt and Lilian, realise that their respective young ‘uns are indeed seeing each other.

[Lynda] “Wait a minute? J … James!”

[James] “Guys. Meet my new girlfriend., Leonie”

Matt sounded like he’d known all along (and quite smug with it – can he foresee that Leonie will be trouble for James? Matt would love bad things to happen to James).


Jolene feels like a new woman

Kenton gets to feel a new woman.

(sorry!)


Leonie returns to form

Now that the burden of hiding that she’s dating James is off her shoulder, Leonie returns to her usual lack of tact.

She waffles on about how she:

[Leonie] “dated guys who turned out to be such wimps and losers”

the examples of which she gives as being vegan (Lynda isn’t happy at that comment) and having gone to boarding school (did James?).

Leonie follows that up by calling her sister a drooling idiot, and that “it seems to be catching”. Which was all a reference to babies … and the “catching” was the long-awaited snide comment about Lynda being so proud of being a grandmother.

So Lynda ends up upset, in the toilet.

Robert sounds happy enough (does anything ever annoy that man?).

And Lilian:

[Lilian] “Never mind what you think of her, James adores her”

[Matt] “I’d say they’re made for each other”

Kenton and Jolene are quick to listen in (as they’re back in The Bull), sending Kenton into fits of laughter.

[Kenton] “You couldn’t make that up … a cute couple … the joker and the ice queen!”

The very idea of James and Leonie breeding

[Lilian] “Do you have any plans to … “

[James] “We’re taking it steady”

And he mentions that they’re not thinking of flats – Leonie’s mentions that they’re not (yet) thinking of families … eeeeeek! Surely the spawn of Leone and James would be far worse than anything, ever spawned by an Ambridge resident! Lynda was horrified.

[Lynda] “No heavens, no … no!”

Kenton gets off of his bum

To finally do something about Jamie. But only because Jamie is stressing Jolene out.

Jolene is looking forward to actually getting back to work, but she’s dreading Jamie.

[Jolene] “he’s still here. He’s showing no signs of moving out … I’m not his mother. I can’t always be responsible for him … I can’t really throw him out"

So Kenton, quite manfully, steps in. He’s going to have a word with Jamie. At long, long last …

Shame it took him getting his leg over Jolene to be spurred into action!

The Archers Tuesday 26th April 2011: David’s Depressed

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• Peggy sounded just like Jill
• David takes the blame too far
• Peggy’s a groupie!
• Drying grass in the oven! Surely a bad sign?
• The Victorian fairy painter
• Pip, the poet laureate (cows only)
• Counsellor? Nope – call in the vet.

Peggy sounded just like Jill

Not that I’d mistaken her – just by sounding so grumpy and judgemental.

Peggy does have her moments, but she’s no naysayer like Jill.

[Jill] “When I was a publican I’d have chosen Easter for a holiday”

She did then go on to say that she hoped Kenton and Jolene had a good time (David was quick to point out that the timing was Kenton’s idea).


David takes the blame too far

Talking to Shula about the low milk yield, David reckons it’s all his fault.

[David] “What makes it worse was that it should have been avoidable … there’s no mystery about it Shula, it was bad management. Simple as that”

Seems Alistair begs to differ, but David doesn’t seem to be in a very rational mood right now.



Peggy’s a groupie!

Peggy went with Ted to the U3A meeting today. Ted was speaking about a painter chap called Richard Dadd (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Dadd) which non-one (myself included) seems to have heard of.

Anyway, Peggy was quite aglow about it, and thoroughly enjoyed hearing Ted speak. And to get out and about for once.

[Peggy] “So much of my time is taken up with Jack, and just the business of living”

Looks like Ted is actually quite a renaissance man.

He lectures and is an artist in his own right.

I think Peggy might be realising that Ted is quite a nice catch. She’s certainly now very interested in seeing some of his work.

How utterly nice and sweet (and I'm not being sarcastic, for once).

About time Peggy was able to have something (someone) for herself.

Plus no guilt. Jack and Ted’s wife seem to be an item anyhoo …



The Victorian fairy painter

Is seemingly who Richard Dadd is.


Drying grass in the oven! Surely a bad sign?

Ruth walks in to find David drying grass in the oven.

I thought he’d finally tipped, but it’s seemingly quite normal behaviour.

Something to do with recalculating the (floating plate?) meter. That’s something to do with how they feed their cows. I think. David is drying the grass so he can work out the dry matter to calibrate the meter. Seemingly.

David was very abrupt with Ruth. He was sarcastic when she realised what he was up to. Dismissive when she tried to give him a bit of TLC over his blistered thumb. And he outright lost his rag when Ruth dared to suggest that this recalibration malarkey should have been done a couple of weeks back.

[Ruth] “If we didn’t get the right figures, how can we get the feed right?”

[David] “Yes, I do know, and I don’t need you to lecture me about it”

[Ruth to Pip] “He’s sensitive. He’s down about everything, about the whole situation”

So, off Pip pops to have a go at Pop.

And how does she get him to stop working for a second?

She lures him with talk of Herefords …


Pip, the poet laureate (cows only)

[Pip] “There. See. How that’s for eye candy. A field full of happy, healthy cattle, all grazing peacefully. Bright eyed and glossy coated …All down to you dad. They’re so gorgeous,. And profitable”

David still isn’t impressed, she Pip starts on about her new ideas to sell more meat. Improve their website. Get on the phone to sell to more butchers.

In fact, she already knows of one who they don’t deal with, but who sells specialist breeds. David doesn’t understand how she knows about this new chap … as Pip points out, it’s just through talking to people other than those on his farm, or close family:

[David] “Are you saying that I should get out more?”

[Pip] “Well, it wouldn’t hurt”

(hurrah! Someone at last said it)


Counsellor? Nope – call in the vet.

Shula pops round to see Ruth. She reckons David looked “pretty dreadful” when she saw him before.

She’s worried that David is overacting to the setbacks they’re having at Brookfield lately. That’s all part of farming – so maybe something else is going on for David.

Shula’s wondering if it’s because he saw ‘it’ happen,

[Shula] “To see his brother in-law die like that. It must have left him terribly scarred”

Ruth also had an inkling that there was more to David’s mood than just low milk yields, but her plan had been to hope that it would just go away (!).

So, Shula and Ruth reckon David might have post-traumatic stress. Which sounds like a quite reasonable diagnosis.

[Ruth] “He’s just got nothing left Shula. No strength, no resources”

So their next step?

Get the very in to have a chat with David, as he’d never agree to a counsellor.

Brilliant.

(but yes – the local vet is Alistair – who David does respect, and will probably listen to. I’m just taking the Michael).

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 26th April 2011: Chas “helps people like you”

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• Rhys speaks
• Harry doesn’t speak
• Jamie’s back in The Bull
• Is Jolene still a step-mum?
• Rhys is the new man in Jamie’s life
• Alice should be feeling guiltier … right about … now
• What would Chris rather watch?
• Polly has already moved on
• Yup – Chas is a bad ‘un
• Spence and Pip, thwarted again

Rhys speaks

And he has a Welsh accent that would put Pat to shame …



Harry doesn’t speak

What’s wrong with the normally very chatty Harry?

He was working in The Bull today (Sunday, so it seems), but not a peep out of him.

Odd.



Jamie’s back in The Bull

But only after Fallon told him that said they “were worried not angry”

Does every adult in Ambridge have to pander to Jamie?

Quick kick up the bottom would have more results.


Is Jolene still a step-mum?

Fallon mentioned that with Sid being dead, Jolene is kinda not Jamie’s step mum anymore.

Eh?

Course she is.

Just like the fact that a tree does make a sound when it falls over, even if no-one is there to hear it.

Oh … hang on a moment … does it?



Rhys is the new man in Jamie’s life

Poor chap.

Rhys has barely uttered a few words, and he’s already being usurped into becoming the positive male role model for Jamie, by Fallon.

He does happily agree. After all, the blokes Jamie hangs around with aren’t very good chaps.

[Rhys] “None of them are exactly Zen masters”

Rhys later has a chat with Jamie – all matey, like.

He did feel like he was taking a bit too far, though. At one point, I thought he was going to ask whether Marty’s intentions towards Jamie were honourable and how he was going to support Jamie (well, he did ask him if Marty was local, what his parents were like etc etc).

But Jamie did seem to enjoy the attention.

And Rhys really bonded with Jamie over gaming.

My word – could Rhys be the answer to all of our Jamie nightmares?



Alice should be feeling guiltier … right about … now

Post adult intimacy, Chris apologies for “being an idiot” over the Facebook video.

He accepts that Alice didn’t want that bloke all over her.

And he’d glad Chas was there to sort him out.

[Chris] “He’s a good lad, Chas”

What would Chris rather watch?

I didn’t quite catch that.

Chris isn’t too excited about the Royal wedding.

[Chris] “If I had the day off, I’d rather watch machete”

I’m sure he didn’t say ‘machete’.

Anyone?



Polly has already moved on

Jamie and Daniel are chatting about Polly.

It seems that Jamie did really like her, but couldn’t stand up to Steve when he was taking the Michael out of Polly’s name.

But not to worry.

[Daniel] “She’s already seeing a boy in year 12, so you haven’t broken her heart”

Bigger question is – is some of Jamie’s behaviour down to being bullied by Steve?

It certainly seemed it later on.

As Jamie is back working at The Bull, Steve reckons he can pay him back the £30 he owes. Jamie reckons the vodka he stole for them should offset some of the debt – but Steve reckons not so. That was just Jamie being a mate.

As Jamie doesn’t have ready cash on him (he’s only just started working again), Steve reckons Jamie can pay in more cigarettes and booze.

And Jamie, quite meekly, agrees.

Sounds like bullying to me.



Yup – Chas is a bad ‘un

Chas is talking to a woman called Diane.

Diane’s ex lost his job last year – she has 3 kids – the maintenance stopped – she’s behind in rent – the washing machine’s packed up – and she’s up to limit on credit cards.

At first, I was wondering if Chas worked for Citizens Advice. Or the dole office.

But no.

It’s a scam.

It seems that Chas (and other students) get their student loans, which they don’t financially need.

[Chas] “Then we see if we can use it to help people like you who’ve got themselves into a bit of a financial black hole… it’s like giving something back”

It’s a very friendly, easy way for Diane to get some money. No credit checks or paperwork.
But, of course, Chas has to charge more interest than the banks …

So, Chas gives Diane £1000. In 3 months, Diane has to pay back Chas £1200.

And I wonder what the penalties are if she misses payment?

Either way, Chas doesn’t seem to be a very nice person at all.



Spencer and Pip, thwarted again

Spencer and Pip bump into each other after he’s been out riding.

(he’s got his new jodhpurs – not jumpers, which I though he’d said the other day, but was corrected by @eddie_grundy on twitter).

[Spencer] “Now I can ride … I almost said … without scaring the horses …”

[Pip] “… in decent company”

As they’re gently flirting, and getting round to asking each other out on a wee walk, Chris comes along to interrupt.

Getting rid of Chris, they go for a very nice and peaceful walk. With Spencer seeming more and more perfect for Pip.

He knows a grey partridge when he sees it – he’s heard of Brian Aldridge, and the new mart – he already knows of, and appreciates, Lakey Hill.

But then, just when they’re getting (quite respectably) close, Rhys quite literally runs into them on his bike.

What a wee shame.

But nice to have two nice teens, being nice and maybe heading for something nice.

Ah! More of this might have made Ambridge Extra a bit more palatable for us (slightly) older yins.

I’m not sure how much more I can take of utterances like:

[Steve] “Alright. I’ll catch you later bruv. Laters”

The Archers Monday 25th April 2011: Jennifer and James back in Ambridge

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• Jennifer and Phoebe return home
• Lynda’s canvassing
• Matt’s not pleased about a whole two nights of James
• The Big Five
• Brian sucks up
• James really is a prat
• What’s James’ “development”

Jennifer and Phoebe return home

And not a hint of any Kate-tastrophe (sorry!).

They’re both knackered after the journey back, but Phoebe is very excited about her trip. Especially the safari in the Kruger national park

[Phoebe] “It was really awesome … we stayed in a lodge, right out in the bush”

So all went well?

Maybe.

We’ll just have to see what slowly is brought to light over the next few days … weeks … months … years …



Lynda’s canvassing

Lynda catches Jennifer and Brian as Jennifer arrives home, but is left to speak with Brian. Jennifer pleads knackeredness.

She has her Parish Elections leaflet to share … but her stopping to give her leaflet to Brian should not be mistaken for canvassing.

[Lynda] “No, no , no … not canvassing. What Richard Thwaite’s been doing, that’s canvassing. Going round the village, knocking on doors, invading people’s privacy, it’s a sign of desperation if you ask me, he’ll probably lose more votes than he gains”

Hmmmm

[Lynda] “Hilary Noakes … went to the Easter Dawn service yesterday, first time ever, and to the breakfast after … smiling, chatting away, shamelessly ingratiating herself. Exactly who she’s trying to fool I don’t know … and apparently she was all over Sabrina in the bull last night, shedding those crocodile tears …”

(seemingly Sabrina was upset that her question wasn’t chosen at Gardeners’ Question Time, and she’s furious with Joe, after hearing the truth about his mistletoe scam.

[Lynda] “Do you think Hilary gives a hoot about all that. It’s sheer hypocrisy. And as I said to Sabrina myself, that’s showbusiness!”

Brian really couldn’t a word in. Which was probably his tactic. Keep quiet, and hope it all stops soon …



Matt’s not pleased about a whole two nights of James

Matt really isn’t pleased. Really isn’t pleased, at all. He reckons it was difficult enough last time, so really doesn’t want James for 2 minutes, let alone 2 nights.

Lilian thinks the problem is that Matt and James are too similar to get on.

And Matt does promise to do his best.

That’s a relief! All should be well. Matt does always keeps his promises. Doesn’t he?


The Big Five

Elephant, buffalo, white rhino, lion, leopard – all of which Phoebe saw in South Africa, and has pictures of on her phone.

In fact, she has tonnes of pictures on her phone to show.

Oh joys!



Brian sucks up

[Brian] “I’d forgotten how difficult this childcare is … you’re so good at it”

Which sounded slightly genuine. Until he then admits that he hasn’t done the laundry.

[Brian] “I couldn’t find the detergent stuff. We must have run out …”

So, he hasn’t dealt with the dirty clothes, and he hasn’t got anything in for Jennifer to use on her holiday clothes.

Which, of course, Jennifer wants to get stuck into.

So poor tired Jennifer heads off to the Village Shop for laundry detergent.

Some things don’t change.



James really is a prat

James arrives home to Lilian.

And manages to be annoying with his first few utterances.

He reckons his car is a “beast”. He calls Lilian “ma” (ugh!). Then he boasts about speeding. Which Matt doesn’t like:

[Matt] “These days, I stick to the rules. A law abiding citizen”

(aye Matt – only after you tried to kill yourself and Lilian by speeding, then ended up in Prison. Law abiding citizen, but only because you were caught in the first place …)

[James] “Your car’s an extension of your personality. It says a lot about who you are, your status … remember, you’re the sole director of what’s on the way to becoming a very successful property business”

Prat.

He’s trying to annoy Matt, at the same time pretending that he gives a second thought to Lilian’s life. Which he never does.

But not to fear. Our Matt knows how to take chaps like him a peg down.

He just asks James to explain what his job – what a Management Consultant – actually is …

[Lilian] “I said you needn’t be worried. He’s been perfectly polite and charming”

[Matt] “Yeah, right, I’m sure it’s going to be a real fun couple of days”

Think Lilian will ever notice that her son is an utter prat?



What’s James’ “development”

[James] “There has been a development in my social life recently … it has become a lot more, interesting …”

Which gets Lilian very excited!

Could it be a girlfriend? THE one?

Or has James just got himself a hamster?

Gardeners’ Question Time: Ambridge, Borsetshire 24th April 2011

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• It’s a first
• Brian’s question
• Usha’s question
• Jim’s question
• How to Improve your Turf, with Matthew and Lynda
• Neil’s Question
• Jill’s Question
• Kirsty’s Question
• Clarrie’s Question
• Vicky’s Question
• Bert’s Question

It’s a first

For Ambridge, for Gardeners’ Question Time and for me.

Though I potter in the garden, I must admit I’m not that interested in the technicalities. I can plant roughly around the right time, and know to water them once in a while.

So, I’ve never thought to listen in to Gardeners’ Question Time.

I found I quite liked it.

Though that might have had something to do with the Ambridge connection.

And apologies that I haven’t said which of the panel was saying what below (as I haven’t a clue), and also that I didn’t get all of their full answers. Lots of Latin and plants, and stuff…

[Opening of Gardeners’ Question Time] “I’m sitting enjoying a pint of Shires, outside The Bull, in the picture postcard village in Borsestshire. We’re in idyllic village of Ambridge.”

Brian’s question

[Brian] “My daughter Kate lives in South Africa, and actually my wife’s over there visiting her at the moment, so that’s why I’m here, anyway, we thought it’d be lovely to create a south African border in our garden so we can think of Kate and her family whenever we look at it. So do the panel have any planting suggestions?”

[Panel] “How sparky is she? What sort of character is she?”

[Brian] “She’s quite feisty … she’s had a chequered past … as a parent you forgive it in the end, she is a I suppose a free spirit … maybe her wild ways can be reflected in some of the planting you suggest … I know nothing about gardening, Jennifer does all that …”

Panel answer included Red Hot Pokers, Watsonians, Pineapple Plants, Agapanthus, Crocosmia (and probably some others I’ve missed).


Usha’s question

[Usha] “some of my favourite flowers rudbeckia … problems …”

(sorry – I didn’t get all of it, but the basic gist was Usha’s plants were dying).

Panel answer: lift the plant, take the dead stuff out, then replant


Jim’s question

[Jim] “I have a small vegetable plot, that I’d like to expand, so I thought I’d tried edible and flowers growing in the same border. I’d like to know what vegetable I can grow next to me herbaceous and shrubs to make a beautiful display. No broccoli please”

Panel answer: vegetables are competitive (like athletes, who need to grow fast etc), so tend not to go well with herbaceous plants. Ones that will work, and look pretty are: Asparagus, Globe artichokes, Purple sprouting broccoli.

Seemingly Jim look horrified at the suggestion of broccoli. But the Purple type is supposed to taste better.


How to Improve your Turf, with Matthew and Lynda

Matthew’s piece with Lynda was actually quite interesting.

He was telling us some basic tricks to having a good lawn. Which I could have done with a few weeks back, before I bought a fake lawn to put between my garden slabs (long story, but it involves many greyhounds …).

Anyway, in his intro to the piece, Matthew mentioned that Honeysuckle Cottage has a hot tub (quite right, Ian and Craig), and:

[Matthew] “Llamas. That's unusual.”

Anyhoo – he rings on Lynda’s door, and she’s quick to say that it’s 25 years since she and Robert moved to Ambridge (think of the Parish Elections …). Matthew remarks on Lynda’s mirrors and wind chimes (Feng Shui), they tramp over her gravel (which seemingly is a nightmare to keep clean) and it also seems Lynda’s garden slopes down to the river.

Nice.

Not so nice is the scorched grass in Lynda’s garden, due to Scruff. That can seemingly be solved by either following round Scruff with bucket of water, to then “slosh it down”; or by putting charcoal tables in the Scruff’s water.

Then:

[Matthew] “We ought to get a little more hands on ... can we go over to your shed and check out your equipment?”

(ooer – nudge, nudge – wink, wink!)

To aerate ones lawn, one must use a rake – wiggling it about. Which is what Joe saw Lynda doing the other day.

[Matthew] “I need a really good wiggle, come on”

And to get rid of the thatch – one can again use a rake, but it must (must!) be a spring time rake.

If that wasn’t enough great advice, Matthew also reckoned Lynda should plant more camomile as part of her law. A perfect miniature camomile lawn, indeed. And then she can serve it to her guests.

Aha! Wonder if I can get away with that on my lawn. Sounds great, apart from the fact that charcoal tablets don’t actually stop my dogs weeing …



Neil’s Question

(though Neil wasn’t actually at the recording)

Neil: wanted to know about grass that is capable of taking that hammering at the wicket

Panel answer: get the cricket team to drink even more Shires – they then fill a barrel (yup – by peeing in it) - water down the contents of the barrel – then sprinkle over the grass just before it rains

“Why buy fertilisers when you have a whole cricket team!”

Who’d have thunk it …


Jill’s Question

[Jill]: (talked about how she’s listened since 1957, with Phil; that Phil had used to have no interest in flowers but became quite a fan) “ … this year without his guidance, no doubt, I’ve had a catastrophe, an established bed which should be vibrant with tulips … Tulip Fire?”

Panel answer: Yes


Kirsty’s Question

[Kirsty]: “Borsestshire Wildlife Trust … we're always asking people to encourage wildlife in their gardens ... bird eat insects, rabbits and deer eats the leaves ... planting suggestions to encourage the widest range of wildlife in our gardens?”

Panel answer: don't plant double flowers, as they’re sterile; have piles of rotting logs; put thorny branches wrapped in newspapers, in hedges; don’t have too tidy a garden



Clarrie’s Question

[Clarrie]: “I love lilies. How do i get rid of red lily beetles? And what's the difference between a day lily and a normal lily?”

Panel answer: “squish them”

[Clarrie] “I don’t like doing that”

[Panel] “Do you have anyone who could do the squishing for you?

[Clarrie] “yes”

[Panel] “great squishers?”

[Clarrie] “ ... oh yes!”

(that’ll be Joe, Eddie, Ed and Will that are great squishers)

Panel answer: difference between day lily and normal lily is that they’re two different plants



Vicky’s Question

[Vicky]: “I want your advice on mistletoe. Earlier this year my neighbour sold me a propagation kit ... what are me chances of successfully growing mistletoe this way?”

Seemingly also Richard Thwaite had also asked the same question, adding that his wife, Sabrina, had paid extra to do Druidical services …

Panel answer: while Joe was right in telling folks to put the seeds on the underside of the branch, his timing was way off. He should have been selling/propagating them in March or April, not January

And did you know why and how mistletoe ends up on trees, or why the seeds need to go on the underside?
It’s the birds. They eat the berries. The seed gets stuck on their beak. Then they wipe it off by scarping it under the branch.

[Panel] “What type of tree (did Joe tell Vicky to put the seeds on)

[Vicky] “The big one ... the oak”

[Panel] “ .. Oak also least likely …”

[Vicky] “So it's not going to work, is it?”

[Panel] “I suspect not ... wrong Druid”

Bert’s Question

[Bert]: “Last year, a neighbour of mine was dragooned at the last minute into being the judge at the flower and produce show ... he didn’t do too badly ... i was wondering if any of the panel have any experience of judging?”

[Panel] “Armoured plating, learn to run quickly and know the exit”

Seemingly, the best advice is not to get involved in judging lower flower shows.

Wonder what Bert’s cunning plan for this year is …?


And after Bert …

“It’s goodbye Ambridge and good gardening”

(there was another piece on something to do with gardens and bugs (I think), but I must admit I wasn’t interested. I wouldn’t turn off Gardeners’ Question Time if I stumbled on it again, but wouldn’t make an effort to listen. But I’m not complaining – quite an interesting/amusing way to spend 40 odd minutes).

The Archers Sunday 24th April 2011: We all get to go to Monte Carlo!

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• And that’s just Jolene’s travel outfit!
• Will will make George sick?
• “Hard-core bee freaks”
• “Egg crazy kids”
• Nooooo – not the shower!!!
• Ruth’s kind to Joe
• David feels guilty
• The shower hasn’t gone away …
• “Here we go”

And that’s just Jolene’s travel outfit!

[Fallon] “Ooh la la!”

[Kenton] “Knock out … you look great. Perfect.”

And they’re off! But not before Jolene checks and rechecks everything with Fallon.

[Fallon] “Just let it go mum, we’ll be fine, don’t worry”

Will will make George sick?

Things are really coming to a head between Will and Emma.

She’s now accusing his Easter egg of potentially having the ability to make George sick.

Child. Easter Egg. Potential of being sick.

Fairly atypical, I’d have thought?

Anyway, Will is now angry with Emma, but he is a good(ish) dad to George.

He’s doing exactly what Clarrie reckoned Ed should be doing with George – spending more time with him one-on-one; doing things that the big kids can’t do, making him feel wanted and special.

He was close to flaming George’s hatred/rivalry of Keira by saying that she was too naff to be able to hunt for Easter eggs at The Bull (I do paraphrase!) – but he was also encouraging George to collect more than Jake or Mia.

So all healthy sibling competition. I suppose.



“Hard-core bee freaks”

I do adore it when Jill starts on about her bees. Even better when she’s getting ready for a new season. And wonderful that Josh is still interested.

They seemingly went to a bee conference type thing together, where Josh persuaded Jill to buy a new hive.

Though it has to be remembered that while Josh may be a nice young chap, spending time with his grandmum doing bee stuff, he is just about to hit the ‘Jamie’ phase:

[Josh] “Some of those hard-core bee freaks though … talk about weird! I mean, in a good way gran. And not you …”

“Egg crazy kids”

Blimey! George found 14 Easter eggs. 14! Makes you wonder if he managed to get the lion’s share, or if The Bull had spent all of its last few months profit on eggs.

[Fallon] “Egg crazy kids. One of them is bound to OD on chocolate”

(see – I said it must be fairly atypical)



Nooooo – not the shower!!!

Jolene and Kenton arrive in their Monte Carlo hotel, with Jolene very suitably impressed by the size of the bed and that they have a balcony, with a sea view.

Sounds lovely.

But I did break out in a cold sweat at the following exchange:

[Jolene] “A nice big shower an all …”

[Kenton] “Oh yeah. That’s good to know”

(ye gods! Jolene then decides to have a shower straight away, so she can freshen up and try her new shower gel … apparently).

[Kenton] “Maybe I’ll dig mine out too. Would be good to freshen up”

No. Good god, no. Not again? Surely not again???

But Jolene then sends Kenton off to get a magazine she’d left at reception. She had a very weak excuse for it being so important he got it right now – something about her being halfway through a story. I never knew Take a Break (and the like) was actually readable.

To make absolute sure that Kenton has got the message, just before he heads out:

[Jolene] “I’ll see you in a bit then … after my shower”

Phew!



Ruth’s kind to Joe

I think Ruth is probably the only person left in Ambridge who is willing to give Joe the benefit of the doubt being outed (for bad mistletoe advice) at Gardeners’ Question Time.

[Ruth] “Was it really just a scam, or did he just get his facts wrong?”

Jill reckons the proof was in the Panel all advising that it was indeed the wrong time to propagate mistletoe seeds.



David feels guilty

Which is nothing new, since Nigel died, but he seems to be obsessing that anything which goes wrong at Brookfield is his fault.

Very true that he didn’t take care of Brookfield while Elizabeth needed him at Lower Loxley – and Ruth told him so many, many times – but wasn’t he meant to be moving on?

Must be difficult for Ruth now to persuade him that the low milk yield isn’t his fault, after all the very candid ‘discussions’ they’ve had over the last few months.

[Ruth] “I’ve tried my best to cheer him up, but it’s uphill work”

The shower hasn’t gone away …

As Kenton returns to the room, Jolene has finished her shower.

But, maybe I said my ‘phew’ too soon.

Jolene seems keen for Kenton to take a shower, but he’s keen to have some boozy juice.

[Jolene] “Drink first, eh … we could save that for later”

(later? No. Not later. Never. Ever).

The Jolene’s reticence becomes (potentially) clear.

[Kenton] “Jolene, you did see the sign on the door? In six different languages? This is a no smoking room!”

Kenton hadn’t caught Jolene smoking, or even smelt smoke. He was just suspicious that she’d been so keen to get him out of the room.

So they have a good giggle that Kenton thought Jolene was being sneaky, even though she claims she hadn’t been smoking.

And as she pointed out, she’d have had a smoke in the balcony rather than the room.

What’s more, Jolene claims she hasn’t had any cravings since they left Ambridge.

[Jolene] “Kenton, sweetheart, why would I want one with you here? … I daresay we’ll keep my mind off it somehow”

Which sounds fair enough.

And I had been wondering whether Jolene was actually okay with sharing a room – they haven’t spoken about taking the next step for a wee bit now (though Jolene did say she was ready).

Well, that’s that question sorted. She’s well up for it.

Good on her.



“Here we go”

Ruth and Jill tune their wirelesses just in time to catch Gardeners’ Question time.

Well it’s a first for me:

[Jill] “here we go!”

The Archers Fri 22nd April 2011: The Ghost at The Book Club

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• Joe’s still keeping a low profile
• Lynda’s not convinced by Joe’s confidence
• Walk of Witness
• Outrageously smug non-smokers
• Jim’s galvanised, Lynda’s mixed
• Grace Kelly or Victoria Beckham
• Jolene doesn’t trust Jamie
• The Book Club’s second meeting
• And the next book is …

Joe’s still keeping a low profile

He seems to now be hiding at the magazine racking in the village shop, rather than at Ed and Emma’s.

This means he has to feign an interest in mountain biking magazines.

May7be he should pay closer attention to the Gardening magazines? Business Magazines? Or ones which can help him with how to successfully create a great scam which won’t backfire, and won’t result in him having to hide next to magazine racking …


Lynda’s not convinced by Joe’s confidence

Joe reckons he knows Robert Harris’ The Ghost.

But all Lynda isn’t that convinced, after asking him what he thought of it.

[Lynda] “You’ll have to do a bit better than ‘interesting’. That hardly constitutes serious debate”

Walk of Witness

Jill mentioned the other day that the Book Club shouldn’t be meeting tonight, as it is Good Friday.

Lynda also has a tinge of ‘is this appropriate’:

[Lynda] “It seems rather frivolous after the walk of witness this morning”

But as Joe points out – not all Ambridge residents are Christians.


Outrageously smug non-smokers

I am utterly appalled.

Appalled that an adult like Jolene can be refused cigarettes in her local shop.

Appalled that her manfriend, Kenton, though he had the right to ask the volunteers at the village shop to refuse to serve her cigarettes.

And appalled that Lynda would then carry out Kenton’s wishes in refusing Jolene.

[Lynda] “He was eager to enlist us to the cause … pack the horrible habit in … you know it makes sense”

Then Lynda started waffling on about how Jolene should use visualisation to help her quit – see herself as a healthy woman without the addiction, and use positivity to help her quit.

Oh for feuck sake!

Jolene will quit when she’s decided she needs to – not when she’s been told to, forced to, by the vest of the village.

Can you imagine Lilian taking this sort of treatment?


Jim’s galvanised, Lynda’s mixed

Jim feels galvanised after Monday’s Gardeners’ Question Time recording.

But Lynda’s had a mixed week.

She’s not too pleased that Leonie is staying with her and Robert next week (even though Robert is very excited). She’s been quit put out that Caroline is going to take on Roy’s duties herself, rather than offering her staff (i.e. Lynda) promotion.

But Lynda did have a rather triumphant time at Gardeners’ Question Time. She’s taken quite a fancy to Matthew Wilson.

[Lynda] “Matthew is a consummate professional .. .charm personified”

Grace Kelly or Victoria Beckham

Kenton has a fantasy of Jolene and myself driving to Monte Carlo, in an open top sports car, with Jolene in a headscarf a la Grace Kelly.

As she’s done so well with not smoking (!!!), he’s bought her a new scarf.

But it would seem it might not have hit the mark. Fallon reckoned the scarf is:

[Fallon] “… very Victoria Beckham”

Is it a tad too tacky and flashy (sorry Victoria!), or is this just generational?


Jolene doesn’t trust Jamie

No surprises there then, but it’s a bit worrying that Jolene now doesn’t even trust Jamie to not turn up with a bunch of his mates at The Bull. Fallon reckons she’ll be fine – as she has Rhys to hand – but it’s a series state of affairs that Fallon has to rely on someone else to protect her and the pub from Jamie.

[Jolene] “ … worried about leaving you with a busy pub an d a wayward teenager … it’s a short step from where he is now to being in serious trouble”

When Jamie later on texts Fallon, after no contact from him for days, Jolene couldn’t care less. She reckons he’s only getting in touch as he now needs somewhere to sleep (eat and get money from), and she’s furious about it.

And quite right too. She’s given him a home and a job, but he doesn’t take any of it seriously.

[Jolene] “Never had so much as an excuse, let alone an apology”

But.

As Fallon reasons, if Jamie doesn’t stay with them – where will he go? They can’t turn him away.

So, Jamie has them over a barrel (gettit!).

Very tiresome indeed. What is one to do with a troublesome teen?

When Jamie does turn up at The Bull, Jolene tries to give him what for:

[Jolene] “Just because you’re my stepson,. Don’t mean I’ll take it from you”

So he promise to “toe the line”, and properly help Fallon while Jolene is away.

Odds on he just continues business as usual …


The Book Club’s second meeting

Tonight’s book, as we all know, is Robert Harris’ The Ghost.

And, as we all also expected, Joe’s tried to be clever by watching the film, instead of reading the book. As also expected, he’s managed to watch the wrong film – Ghost, starring Patrick Swayze, Demi Moore and Whoopi Goldberg … Queue the hilarity …

[Joe] “The bit where the ghost bit takes over from the other ghost …”

[Jim] “ …Harris themes of puppet and puppet masters”

[Ruth] “I agree with Joe …”

Joe refers to demons – Jim thinks it’s a clever analogy for the CIA.

[Joe] “I don’t remember no sat nav – that ghost helped him on the tube …”

[Lynda] “ politician …”

[Joe] “You mean potter!”

[Joe] “You can’t forget that bit, where they has all that wet and they make a pot”

[Jim] “To the strains of unchained melody, perhaps …”

Sounds like Jim knew all along that Joe wouldn’t read the book, and also probably guessed he’d watch the wrong film.

Ruth was also caught with her pants down – poor woman was agreeing with Joe throughout, and sounded like she also thought Ghost (film) was the same as The Ghost (book). But bless her. She didn’t even him time to cheat by watching the film – she had to rely on memory from a while back.

The majority of the Book Club just laughed it off, especially Jim, but Lynda was outraged:

[Lynda] “That’s typical of you, and I cite the mistletoe debacle on Monday, if you’re going to cheat at least do it properly. And Ruth, I’m surprised at you!”

And the next book is …

Elizabeth Gaskell’s Cranford, as chosen by Lynda.

[Lynda] “And woe betide anyone who watched the boxset instead!”

That’s them told.

The Archers Thursday 21st April 2011: Kathy pulls a sickie

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• Elizabeth’s birthday
• Nice of Joe to let Clarrie take the heat
• First mention of the cricket season
• Is less more?
• The Ambridge take on the referendum …
• Everyone thinks Ruth is thick
• Gardeners’ Question Time
• The yield curve isn’t good
• Kathy calls in sick
• “Ian, can you remind Alfie to settle into his heals?”
• This year, Jill will mainly be gardening …
• Does Jill just dislike Kenton?
• There’s a time for cottage pie, and a time for borstal

Elizabeth’s birthday

And she seems surprisingly chirpy.

Probably helped that the kids have gone to a lot of effort (though we didn’t get to hear any of their day out).

Maybe Elizabeth is starting to appreciate what she’s still got.

[Elizabeth] “Kenton got me a huge box of smellies, so I’m feeling very spoiled”

A bit of a sad moment when Elizabeth asked Jill if she could come to lay flowers on Phil’s grave at the weekend (for what would have been his birthday), but Jill’s in top notch mother-nurturing mood:

[Jill] “Your father and Nigel would be so proud of you. I’m sure they’re both looking down with big smiles today”

Nice of Joe to let Clarrie take the heat

Joe’s still giving Keira a lot of attention – so that leaves Clarrie at home, dealing with his angry customers.

Typical.

Clarrie should lock Joe in the stocks on the village green, then head off to treat herself to a pampering, nice food and some new tights. She deserves nothing less for having to deal with those men of hers.

(and I don’t think the green does have stocks, but you get where I’m going. Have gone. Erm …)





First mention of the cricket season

Which, this year, was brought to you by Shula, speaking about Alistair having to plan for the upcoming season.

Hurrah!

It’s been beautiful weather, bank holidays a-plenty, and cricket is on the way.

There’s a slight taste of Summer in the air!



Is less more?

I generally think so.

Shula and Clarrie were discussing Lynda’s leaflet - too much text, in too small print - in comparison to Lilian’s – better, as it had less on it so was to the point.

[Shula] “Possibly due to the fact that she hasn’t got an awful lot to shout about”

Meow!


The Ambridge take on the referendum …

… is that it will encourage a bigger turn out for the Parish Council elections, as both are happening at the same time.

Brilliant!



Everyone thinks Ruth is thick

Chatting about how Ruth is struggling with The Ghost for the book club, Jill felt that she had the answer.

[Jill] “I’m sure it doesn’t matter if you just turn up and listen, even if you haven’t got anything to say”

What a shame on Ruth.

She really gets no credit.

The woman is busy!



Gardeners’ Question Time

Is this Sunday.

Hurrah! Wonder if they’ll edit Vicky out?



The yield curve isn’t good

As Jill’s wittering on about something or other, David seems very distracted.

And he is. He’s worrying about the mile yield. Seemingly they aren’t great – but worse still, they should be better than before, as the grass is better. But they’re actually worse.

Which doesn’t make any sense.

And Jill’s encouraging words (which sounded like she’d got from greetings cards – or those naff posters you buy for a motivational workplace) didn’t help matters.

So – not only is the yield bad, but they’ll also have to spend more money feeding the cows on concentrate, to try and get the yield back as (as the grass doesn’t seem to be working).

Extra cost, means less profit.

Wonder how Ruth will blame David about this one?



Kathy calls in sick

So that she can wait at home to try and catch Jamie.

(we found out in Ambridge Extra that the mess she found the other day was both Jamie and Marty returning to eat, get more kip, then head out again)

She’s also heard from Jolene that he didn’t turn up at The Bull, and missed another shift.

So she ends up sitting in the kitchen all day. Fretting and worrying.



“Ian, can you remind Alfie to settle into his heals?”

Eh?

Horsey talk from Shula. Way over my head.

As was Jill’s mention of tomorrow’s “Walk of witness”. I assume that’s something to do with Easter?



This year, Jill will mainly be gardening …

Broad beans and carrots (with Josh’s help), with an attempt at Florence fennel (which Phil once had success with).

Though the Ground-elder “seems to be coming back with a vengeance”


Does Jill just dislike Kenton?

It sometimes seems so.

She’ll comfort Elizabeth, and excuse her selfishness. She’ll support David, and try and make him feel better about low milk yields.

Yet, Kenton hardly ever gets a nice word said about him.

Jill is now losing sleep over him and Jolene.

[Jill] “He never thinks about the long term consequences of what he does. He just steams on regardless”

[Shula] “I don’t you’re doing him justice. He’s quite hurt at your attitude, you know mum…”

[Jill] “I can’t help what I think. And he doesn’t go out of his way to prove me wrong, does he?”

[Shula] “Look, instead of basing your opinion on past mistakes, isn’t it better to accept the choices that he makes now, and wait and see what happens?”

[Jill] “That’s easier said than done”

[Shula] “I know you just want us to be happy …Well, just let him and Jolene get on with it and find out for themselves if it works”

What’s Jill’s problem? Kenton and Jolene seem happy, so let them be.

Can’t quite believe it’s Saint Shula that’s defending Kenton’s liaisons. She’s not always been a Saint, and Kenton is her twin, but it would seem her moral stance is slightly relaxing. Maybe.




There’s a time for cottage pie, and a time for borstal

When Clarrie pops round to see Kathy, she finds that Jamie still hasn’t been home.

Kathy has made him a cottage pie (for goodness sake!), and still seems to think that she and Jamie could talk things through, if only he’d arrive home.

*sigh*

Haven’t we been at the ‘we need to talk; stage many times before?

At least Kathy does know that Jamie’s alive. She called his friends, and finally tracked him to Marty’s house.

[Clarrie] “At least you know he ain't been sleeping rough, and you know this family”

[Kathy] “To be honest, they don’t seem that bothered about what their own son gets up to, let alone mine”

[Clarrie] “Believe me Kathy, it’s better than nothing. You’ve just got to stick it out.”

[Kathy] “I’m finding it so hard to be patient Clarrie. I just want him home.”

Listen to Clarrie, Kathy. She knows what she’s talking about.

But maybe the time for pie is over. Just lock him up for a bit with bigger and badder lads than he could ever be ...

Ambridge Extra Thursday 21st April 2011: Chas is evil, but only cause Alice lets him be so

click the title above, or the 'read more' link below the bullet points, to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

• To be young, and able to sleep in after a heavy night
• Alice interrogated by the Police
• Jamie harassed by Polly’s mates
• Chas is a proper ‘boo, hiss!’ villain
• Their eyes met over sheep wormer
• Kirsty and Pip cat-fight?

To be young, and able to sleep in after a heavy night

[Marty’s dad] “Rise and shine sleeping beauties … it’s a beautiful day out there … had a few shandys, have you?”

Jamie and Marty are crashed out at Marty’s head, but his dad comes in to wake them up.

So, Jamie and Marty then head over to Jamie’s house (well, Kathy’s house, to be technically correct) as they know she’s at work. They want to keep sleeping.

So they do. And Jamie misses work at The Bull. Again.

Then they’re off out again that night to a club (which was “wicked” and “top”), staying at Marty’s again.

This time, Marty’s dad isn’t around, so they sleep in until 2pm.

Which means Jamie missed work at The Bull. Yet again.

Nice one, Jamie. Very astute of you to also infuriate Jolene and Fallon, so that you’ll eventually end up with no job and no-where to live.

Shall you then be running back to mummy?

But hang on – from the sounds of it – “hanging out” with Steve and Marty in Borchester is likely to include shoplifting, so at least the Police can give you a lift home.


Alice interrogated by the Police

Although being told that she’s not under caution, Alice must have been sweating during her Police interview – she knew that a lot of what she was about to say was either a lie (that she and Chas are an item), or something that she’d only been told to say (by Chas, as she was too drunk to remember).

Asked about that chap Sean (the one who’d been beaten up):

[Alice] “He started dancing with me, very close … too close … and his hands, well you know …”

[Policewoman] “He was overly intimate with you … and did Charles Forster intervene at any point?”

(aha! Chas does have a proper name after all. I thought he’d simply been named after Chas’ and Dave).

Alice says that Chas did step in, but that he only pushed Sean away.

[Policewoman] “How would you describe your relationship with Mr Forster?”

[Alice] “… recently, we’ve been seeing each other”

[Policewoman] “And you were with him the whole time”

[Alice] “Yes”

Not clever to lie to the Police, I think you’ll find Alice. Not clever. At. All.



Jamie harassed by Polly’s mates

Jamie’s getting “grief” from Polly’s mates by text, after he ignored her the other night (when he was the one who asked her round in the first place).

It’s okay, Polly’s mates. If you want to escalate up from texting to something more … ahem … direct … none of us will stop you.


Chas is a proper ‘boo, hiss!’ villain

The :Police don’t see through Alice’s lies, so they let her go. The first person she calls is Chas.

[Chas] “Did you stick to the story … how did it go, did they buy it?”

Alice reckons she just told them what had happened.

Is she dense?

Surely she must have spotted that Chas was a tad too stressed about proving his innocence (guilty conscience), and that she doesn’t actually know what happened.

Why is she being so blind and weak when it comes to Chas?

She really wants to get back home to Chris, but it doesn’t take much persuading from Chas to get her to take a detour to see him.

And once again – chase is slagging off Chris:

[Chas] “He’ll be working tomorrow, with his little hammer in his hand”

(aye – but even the littlest hammers can cave a skull, I think you’ll find).

When they meet up, Chas admits:

[Chas] “The truth is, I did actually hit him … he followed us out, he was all over you and I had to get physical with him … he turned really nasty, I had no choice”

(on why he is only telling this to Alice after she’d now unwittingly lied to the Police)

[Chas] “I didn’t want you to knowingly lie for me … I did it for you, to protect you, you see”

[Alice] “I suppose”

[Alice] “I really think we should own up”

[Chas] “It’s still assault, no matter how pure my motives were. I have my finals coming up, and I don’t want this hanging over my head, you don’t want that do you … maybe I shouldn’t have done it, but I couldn’t bear the way that scumbag was treating you, taking advantage of a drunk woman, and a married woman too, you’re too good a friend to let that pass”

[Alice] “Thank you”

(on Alice being worried about Chris finding out)

[Chas] “How can he find out? Don’t worry sweetheart. Everything’s cool.”

What? What what what what?????

How utterly pathetic is Alice being. Why on earth is she behaving like this, and simply whimpering after Chas? Is he that magnetic a personality?

Very, very bizarre. And not remotely in ‘character’. Alice is an Aldridge, after all!!!

I don’t like this Chas, and I don’t like Alice when she’s around Chas.

I do not advocate violence, but Chris needs to find out, and give Chas a good slapping (I know – that is violence, but needs must!).




Their eyes met over sheep wormer

Pip and Spencer bump into each other as she’s buying sheep wormer, and he’s buying jumpers (don’t you just love proper country stores! Dog food, next to ferret food, next to bridles, next to clothing, next to sheep wormer!).

Spencer asks out Pip for a coffee there and then – which she’s only too happy to accept.

And even though they’re caught by a Mr Buxton (who owns a boarding kennels and breeds Springers … actually he’s quite dull when it comes to Springers. Tends to go on and on … seemingly), they then have a jolly time in Jaxx.

And Spencer is sounding more and more impressive.

Pip reckons he was very patient and good with the boring Mr Buxton:

[Pip] “You did very well Spencer. The perfect gentleman”

(could we imagine her ever being able to have said that to Jude over his behaviour?)

And Spencer isn’t worried about fashion (and all that nonsense). He just wears what’s comfortable. He was worried about being underdressed for Jaxx, but Pip reassured that the student types tend to look more like farmers than he does, what with their jeans and checked shirts. The trendsetters that they think they are …

[Pip] “I used to go out with one”

[Spencer] “The checked shirt type?”

[Pip] “It didn’t end very well …”

No Pip - it ended very well indeed. Jude leaving the country was a huge result!


Kirsty and Pip cat-fight?

Kirsty brings Pip and Spencer’s coffee over, but then plonks herself down at their table.

(to be fair, she did have Council types in, celebrating someone’s leaving do. How horrid!)

And did we detect a slightly flirty edge to Kirsty as she congratulated Spencer over his Fun Run win?

She sounded like she was about to feel a bicep …

Will Kirsty makes a play for Pip’s new man even before he has become hers?

The Archers Wednesday 20th April 2011: Jamie returns, then leaves again

click the title above, or the 'read more' link below the bullet points to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

• Elizabeth approves
• Ruth’s too thick for The Ghost
• Kenton’s dreaming of Monte Carlo
• Jamie missed his shift
• Seriously, Keira is Will’s
• Jamie’s now turning Jolene into Kathy
• Joe suddenly got a sudden urge to babysit

Elizabeth approves

[Elizabeth] “I think it’s wonderful, and I’m really happy for you … mum does want you to be happy. She just wants to be sure that this is what will make you happy”

[Kenton] “Then she should trust me to know that for myself”

But it’s okay, Kenton.

As Elizabeth has given her approval for you to see Jolene, you can breathe a little more easy.

(Honestly, the ego of that woman!)



Ruth’s too thick for The Ghost

She seemingly can’t get into it, even though Lynda is now on her second read.

We’ll just put that one to tiredness, Ruth (bless ya).

And your family will also see you right. Kenton’s going to pump Jim for information.

[Elizabeth] “She’s going to look very erudite, coming out with Jim’s opinion”

Ah – Ruth looking intelligent. That’s what was to Shock Ambridge to the Core!


Kenton’s dreaming of Monte Carlo

[Kenton] “ …mountain road, in a DB5 convertible … You with your head scarf tied a la Grace Kelly, and me in a pair of shades”

[Jolene] “I hope you’ll be wearing a bit more than that!”

[Kenton] “Well, some of the time”

Oh my.

I really hope that the secret microphones don’t follow Jolene and Kenton on holiday. We’ll all be hiding behind the sofa.

He’s also very proud of Jolene for not smoking (um …), and is chuffed that his kiss test is working (um … actually, Kenton).

Here’s how it will go.

Jolene sneaks a fag. Kenton catches her. They have their first argument. But make up again.

Or, Jolene doesn’t sneak a fag. Is miserable and grumpy the whole time. She and Kenton argue. They break up.

So – smoking is goof for Jolene and Kenton. He just needs to accept that.


Jamie missed his shift

And Jolene was so angry, that she refused to go up and drag him out of bed.

[Jolene] “He can do some spud bashing or summit before he goes out”

He’s a tw*t!



Seriously, Keira is Will’s

Today, Keira is a “grizzly little thing”

She really hasn’t been happy since she was born.

Remind you of any other Grundy?

Clarrie reckons she just need to be swaddled. Emma should listen to that.

Clarrie knows all.



Jamie’s now turning Jolene into Kathy

Jolene went upstairs to see Jamie, only to find that he’d done a runner.

She doesn’t realise it yet, but he’s also stolen the pack of ciggies Lilian had given her). He’s going to pay for that, once Jolene stops blaming Kenton (and covering asking by suggesting he’d removed her lip gloss …).

Kathy returned home to find the house in uproar – socks on the floor, dirty kitchen, bed slept in, bedroom a mess … all signs of Jamie (a “message” from Jamie), but no actual Jamie to be seen.

[Kathy] “Hmmm. What’s he doing sleeping in the daytime. He must be out all night”

[Clarrie] “If it were me, I’d at least be glad he’s around … you know he’s eating and sleeping, so he’s okay … it’s just a matter of time. It’s not easy, I know, but you’re doing the right thing”

Then Jolene phones Kathy in a panic. She’s worried where’s Jamie gone to – sounding remarkably like Kathy used to (when Jolene use to dismiss her and see her as OTT).

Jolene’s worried she did the wrong thing:

[Jolene] “I was so fed up with him Kathy, I just let him stew”

Let him go, Jolene. If Kathy does the same, we’ll all get some peace.


Joe suddenly got a sudden urge to babysit

Poor Joe. He’s still in hiding after Gardeners’ Question Time.

At least Emma will get a break if Joe’s helping out. Especially since she’s really not good at coping with two.

The Archers Tuesday 19th April 2011: Peggy agrees to tea with Ted

click the title above, or the 'read more' link below the bullet points, to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

• Jamie’s hungover
• Joe’s keeping a low profile
• Ted’s a patient man
• Give Jolene a break
• Lynda cannae haud her wheesht
• Laughing at Vicky
• Lilian becomes Jolene’s dealer
• A repeat of the decapitated pigeon …
• It’s okay, Lynda has buns
• Fun for all the family
• Mention of Harry

Jamie’s hungover

[Fallon] “He could barely grunt earlier on in the morning”

Fair enough that a young chap gets a tad drunk once in a while. But, I find it odd that his hangovers are so bad (I didn’t get bad hangovers until my mid-twenties) – and he’s turning Fallon into a mum.

She now can’t settle until he gets in. No matter what time it is.

After going back to bed once he’d barely grunted at Fallon in the morning, Fallon and Jolene then had to wake him up to do his shift. Jolene’s not at all amused.

[Jolene] “You wanted the job, so get on with it!”

Just wait until she catches him stealing booze, or her precious rations of fags.

Little twerp.

There surely must be one of those teen boot camps somewhere near Ambridge. Which is only one step away from me saying ‘bring back National Service’ … ugh.



Joe’s keeping a low profile

After Gardeners’ Question Time blowing Joe’s entire business model (that his mistletoe would never grow), he’s gone into hiding from his ‘clients’.

[Lilian] “I can just see them now, chasing him through the village with flaming torches”

Ted’s a patient man

Ted must really see something special in Peggy. He’s put up with her blowing hot and cold – but it does finally pay off.

Mrs Peggy Woolley is able to take tea today.

Hurrah!

[Ted] “A bit of fine weather and free air improves all our spirits”

Would seem so. And how nice for both of them.

At tea, ted then invites Peggy to a talk his giving at his U3A meeting (University of the Third Age – for folks over 50 who want to meet to socialise and learn).

Sounds like Peggy was tempted.

Would that be their second or first date?



Give Jolene a break

Or even just a fag.

[Fallon] “Caught you red handed! Loitering with intent at the cigarette machine …”

First off – do pubs actually have cigarette machines anymore? I haven’t seen one in years.

And second – it wasn’t Jolene’s idea to quit. Just leave the woman be!


Lynda cannae haud her wheesht

Lynda asks Caroline if it’s true Roy is leaving Lower Loxley.

[Caroline] “Ah. I think Vicky was speaking out of turn there”

She confides in Lynda that it’s true, but that Lynda has to keep stum.

What Lynda agrees to. Along with offering her candidacy for Roy’s job.

After Lynda has left:

[Caroline] “Oh Lord!”

But later on – Peggy sees Lynda on the Lower Loxley computer – assumes she’s still working – but she’s on her lunch – so admits that she’s working on her CV.

[Lynda] “it’s all very hush hush”

For goodness sake woman! That’s not on, and also not the way to get the promotion (which doesn’t exist anyway).


Laughing at Vicky

Which is easy to do at the best of times, but her having to climb in through the kitchen window to ask her Gardeners’ Question Time question on Monday is particular gold.

[Lilian] “ … she ran back into the hall red as a lobster with hair like Ken Dodd’s”

[Jolene] “A good job she don’t do dignity, our Vicky”

Lilian becomes Jolene’s dealer

[Lilian] “If you got any closer to me and my ciggie Jolene there’d be rumours!”

Lilian’s outside The Bull having a fag – Jolene’s passively smoking it.

Jolene really isn’t having an easy time trying to quit smoking. Probably because it wasn’t her decision in the first place.

[Lilian] “I don’t why anyone bothers to try …”

Lilian gives Jolene one of her cigarettes (ready to snatch it from Jolene and pretend she’s smoking it), then gives her a nearly full packet to keep in her handbag,

[Lilian] “It’s just for emergencies, Jolene. If you’ve got some ciggies to hand, you won’t feel like you’re being deprived of a guilty pleasure, so you won’t feel the need to smoke as often”

[Jolene] “Yeah, I think that makes sense”

[Lilian] “Course it does, darling”

And if you’re a smoker/have quit smoking, that’ll also make perfect sense to you as well.

Though as a way to quit? Mais non.

Wonder how Jolene’s going to sneak any cigarettes in while she’s with Kenton in Monte Carlo? She’s just be miserable the whole time if she can’t …



A repeat of the decapitated pigeon …

Lynda’s telling Peggy that she’s found another smashed Peregrine egg.

Which Lynda is most upset about.

But, from the behaviour of the Peregrine parents, it would seem that they still have eggs to hatch.

(I still think human hands are at play. Eggs don’t just smash themselves, and to have two eggs topple out of the nest would be very bad parenting. “To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” Oscar Wilde)

[Peggy – not a fan of the Peregrines and their dietary habits] “I hope we won’t have a repeat of the decapitated pigeon episode”

[Lynda] “Ah, nature is as red in tooth and claw, as Tennyson would have it. We rural dwellers must accept that that’s how it is”

It’s okay, Lynda has buns

Peggy is a bit surprised that the is book club happening on Good Friday – but it’s okay, Lynda has buns. Easter ones, that is.



Fun for all the family

Seemingly Lynda’s Parish Council election leaflet is very full of information.

[Lynda to Peggy] “Shall I give you more, to give to family and friends?”

Peggy declines. How strange.



Mention of Harry

He hasn’t been heard or spoken about in a wee while – where’s Harry?

Fallon mentioned he would be helping out with games at The Bull for Easter, and today:

[Peggy to Lynda] “Are you emailing, or Twittering, or whatever Harry calls it?”

But where is he?

Has Jazzer buried him under the patio?

(which would be hard, as they live in a flat).

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 19th April 2011: Alice is digging an even deeper hole

click the title above, or the'read more' link below the bullet points, to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

• Is Chas a liar?
• Alice certainly is
• Spencer sounds alright
• “Nice try Jamie, but you’re only 15”
• The mystery of the trainers
• Why is Chris saying “whatever”?
• “innit”
• Spencer finds Pip interesting
• Jamie’s such a tw*t
• Chris wants a boxset, and warm feet

Is Chas a liar?

Chas phones Alice (yet again).

He’s in a flap because the chap who had been coming onto Alice at the club (Sean) was beaten up that night, outside the club.

And Sean’s told the Police that Chas did it. So the Police have questioned Chas.

Chas reckons he didn’t do it:

[Chas] “All I did was pull him off you and read him his fortune”

(eh? I didn’t notice any fortune telling. Or is that ‘street’ talk)

[Chas] “We went home straight after then, yeah. I told the police we were together that night and all the next morning”

What’s more, Chas also told the Police that he and Alice were an item. Because the reality of them not having actually had any adult intimacy was “a bit lame” and that they were “housemates with benefits”.

What an arse.

There was no need to embellish, and it also raises the question (again) about whether Chas told the truth when he said that nothing had happened. It’s not as if Alice would remember.

Which leads us onto Alice agreeing to say to the Police that Chas had been with her the whole time, when she can’t in fact remember – he could easily have beaten up Sean without her having any recollection of it.

Later on, Chas doesn’t miss any opportunity to have a subtle dig at Chris (over Alice being worried about her texts being read, and how Chris should be more understanding about Alice needing to see Tammy … even though it’s a lie).

Maybe Chas is somehow related to Harry. He’s very odd.

Even worse, Alice lets him call her:

[Chas] “Good girl”

after she has agreed to do his bidding.

Yuck.

Alice certainly is

(a liar)

What on earth is wrong with Alice?

She can’t seem to stay away from Chas – has hidden from Chris that she shared Chas’ bed – lied to Chris about needing him to go to work so she could study, when she was actually off to see Chas – and is now lying to Chris about going back down to Southampton.

She’s told Chris that she needs to see her mate Tammy, who she says is having boyfriend problems. She even went as far to berate Chris for not remembering that Tammy had the same problems with her boyfriend at Christmas.

Which is breaking the first rule of lying.

Keep it simple.


Spencer sounds alright

Spencer is Steve’s brother. Steve is one of Jamie’s moronic mates.

[Spencer] “Oh great. Another night with your spotty freaks cluttering up the lounge”

[Spencer] “And turn that down a bit. I’m trying to watch Top Gear”

Well said, Sir.

I think he could be quite suitable boyfriend for Pip indeed.



“Nice try Jamie, but you’re only 15”

Ah, you gotta appreciate Fallon’s style.

She was onto Jamie stealing from The Bull. Instead of shouting at him, she just replaced some beer that he’d stolen with some juices instead, with a note saying:

“Nice try Jamie, but you’re only 15”

But she’s a classy lady, so still left him with two bottles of beer.


The mystery of the trainers

Spencer has Pip’s trainers. He reckons she must have left them there at the Fun Run.

But Pip can’t work out how she could have left them there.

Either way – Spencer seemed very keen to pop them round to Pip, and Pip seemed quite pleased about that.

Do we sense a summer romance for Pip?




Why is Chris saying “whatever”?

He said it the other day, and said it again tonight.

I know Chris isn’t the academic sort, but why has he started using moron language?


“innit”

Or, to be more accurate:

“(inaudible banter that sound like one of Jamie’s mates trying to talk street/Jamaican/”whatever”) innit”

*sigh*

It’s even forced me to this article in the Daily Mail: 'That's phat, brotha! Innit?' Tesco issues guide to teenage slang for its older staff

I really don’t like that anything Ambridge related has made me read something in the Daily Mail.



Spencer finds Pip interesting

Cripes!

Spencer takes Pip’s trainers back to her at Brookfield, so they gently flirt over talk of cows:

[Pip] “Yes, some Brown Swiss and some British Friesian”

[Spencer] “Breeding for longevity, eh?”

[Pip] “The Philosophy is not to stress the herd, lower inputs and lower yield, but better health, more lactations per beast”

Pip does realise that she’s waffling onto a bloke that she’s quote attracted to, but Spencer is also a Young Farmer – so is quite ‘into’ that sort of thing.



Jamie’s such a tw*t

[Jamie] “No matter what time I get in, Fallon and Jolene wake me up for my lunchtime shift”

Aw, diddum. Are the nasty ladies (who let you stay in their house for only £10 a week) then actually make you work to earn your wages.

Terrible!

Not content with stealing booze from The Bull, Jamie is also now stealing Jolene’s cigarettes from her handbag. He reckons he can get away with it, as Jolene can’t admit to anyone that she’s actually still smoking.

He’s then a twerp to ‘Pretty Polly’, who he’s invited round to Steve’s, but doesn’t think to then take her elsewhere (away from the spotty morons).

She quote rightly gets bored/annoyed/furious, so goes home.

Jamie’s so thick, he doesn’t spot that she’s annoyed. But I think he then got the message that she wasn’t interested in seeing him again.

His response?

[Jamie] “that stuck up cow”

Nice Jamie. Very nice. Not much hope of you ever becoming anything decent then … unless someone smacks your bottom, and soon.



Chris wants a boxset, and warm feet

Which I think is perfectly normal and usual – but it’s not exactly exciting for Alice.

Maybe that’s why all the odd behaviour with Chas is happening?

I’m not sure who Chris wanted a box set of, but on the feet came up when he was heading to bed, but Alice was staying up.

[Chris] “Don’t be long. I need something to warm my feet on “

Sexy!