Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Maurice gives relationship advice: Mon 08.03.13 #thearchers

Pondering The Archers Monday 8th April 2013
  • The Curse of Borchester Life
  • Maurice on relationships
  • The chicken shed AND the church organ are broken
  • The chickens to go?
  • Alice to go?

The Curse of Borchester Life

Jim meets Chris while he (Chris) is struggling to put the lid on his bin. Chris is frustrated at having to stay put, and not being able to do much else.

[Chris] “Except get tea ready. And I hate cooking.”

Jim has brought Chris DVDs and books that he and Jazzer think might be of interest.

Which is nice.

But, Jim also feels guilt over Chris’ accident. He even stays to make Alice and Chris’ tea (moussaka).

Seems Fletch Peterson has sprained his ankle. Rowena Hickey has a bad cold. And Chris had his accident.

All three were interviewed by Jim.

[Chris] “Wow, the curse of the Borchester Life interview.”

[Jim] “There’s no other rational explanation.”

[Chris, taking the Michael] “It’s right up there with Tutankhamen’s tomb!”

[Jim] “I can’t decide who to visit the curse on next.”

Seems Jim is done with interviewing artists and the like, so would like his last interviewee to be a “figure head” of the local community.

Alice comes in, and suggests her dad. Which she reckons Jim could get to through Jennifer.

[Alice] “She’s in a brilliant mood now that me and Chris aren’t going to Canada.”


Now, I don’t wish real harm to Brian, but a wee knock (to also hopefully knock his ego) would be most welcome.

Maurice on relationships

Now, it’s not often we get to hear the dulcet tones of Maurice.

It took Tom shouting at him to get him to speak in front of those hidden microphones.

Actually, Tom wasn’t shouting. He was bawling like a commoner …

[Maurice] “Is a comet about to hit Moomin land?”

(eh? He’s an odd lad, that Maurice. Moomin land? I haven’t thought about Moomins since I was a nipper)

[Tom] “The reverse switch …”

[Maurice] “Oh, I thought it was something important.”

Tom reckons his entire day has gone wrong because Maurice didn’t mention the reverse switch (whatever that is) is broken.

Maurice thinks not. He emailed and texted Tom to let him know it was broken. Tom apologies for not having picked them up.

[Maurice] “Am I right in thinking it’s not just the reverse switch, Tom. Is something wrong at home?”

Unbelievable it takes Maurice to stop something is amiss with Tom.

[Tom] “It’s the same at home, and on the farm, I keep messing things up … I’m only making a bad situation worse … like having a go at you.”

[Maurice] “It didn’t bother me in the slightest. I could see what you were going through … I was exactly the same when me and Marlene broke up.”

[Tom] “We haven’t broken up … nothing’s happened that can’t be fixed, I’m sure of it … it’s not over. I won’t let it be Maurice. She means the world to me, everything, I can’t give up.”

[Maurice] “It’s good to stay positive … and it’s hard to believe now, but it could make you stronger … I had a hard look at myself, I discovered things I never knew before … you’re forced to take stock.”

[Tom] “I keep thinking, if I can prove that I can change, Brenda might give me another chance.”

Ah, but Maurice reckons Tom shouldn’t relay on that.

[Maurice] “Prepare for the worst, cause that’s why usually happens in my experience. By the time you notice something’s wrong in a relationship, it’s usually too late to fix it  … my point is, divorce was the making of me. I’ve been much happier since I realised that I’m not the marrying type. Maybe you’re the same.”

[Tom] “And that’s supposed to cheer me up?”

[Maurice] “Not cheer you up exactly, it’s more a small consolation to hang onto, in your darkest moments.”

[Tom. Sounding even more depressed] “Thanks Maurice.”

Though Maurice offers for Tom to be able to talk to him anytime, I doubt Tom will be taking him up on that.

Things are bleak enough …

The chicken shed AND the church organ are broken

Goodness me!

Neil and Hayley’s chicken shed has a dodgy roof.

But that can probably be sorted by a plank and Neil.

St Stephens’ organ is also in need of repair. But that could take thousands upon thousands.

But not to worry. Seems the Diocese has an organ advisor that can help Alan to get quotes.


And Neil reckons Alan can also do his usual approach, and simply pray.

Fundraising plans ahoy!

The chickens to go?

With the chicken shed needing repairing, Hayley and Neil are pondering their future.

Seems they’re not making as much money from the chickens. So, their thinking they either need to downscale (which may mean they probably won’t need Josh), or they get rid of them altogether (which means they definitely won’t need Josh).

What’s happening to Ambridge?

First Bridge Farm’s cows. Now, possibly Willow Farm’s chickens.

Alice to go?

Not to Canada this time …

Seems she has had an ever worse day at work today.

[Alice] “I’ve been incredibly stupid.”

Seems she emailed Canada to say she wasn’t taking the job. They emailed her back (saying nice things about her, in a nice Canadian way). Alice then left her laptop open. And someone (she reckons a chap called Gerard Turner) saw it, then told her boss Brendan.

[Chris] “So he’ll moan at you, what’s the worst he can do?”

Well, he can shout at her. Giver her dead end projects.

[Alice] “Basically he can stall my entire career.”

Or, he could even fire you Alice. Don’t forget that …

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