Sunday, 17 February 2013

Elizabeth needs £300,000: Mon 04.02.12 #thearchers

The Archers Monday 4th February 2013
  • The computer says “no” (to Elizabeth)
  • Bert’s latest rhymes
  • Lynda’s doing Vicky’s washing
  • Vicky turns on Lynda

The computer says “no” (to Elizabeth)

Elizabeth’s in seeing some chap called Matthew at the bank.

Seems she needs to borrow a whopping £780,000 if they’re to turn the dairy into wedding accommodation.

Elizabeth outlines her plans to hold more weddings, and specialise in Asian weddings and more civil partnerships, as well as do more of their green weddings.

But, Matthew doesn’t entirely believe it will work.

[Matthew] “We feel you’ve been over optimistic.”

[Elizabeth] “I thought you banks were there to help businesses grow!”

But, Matthew reckons he’s protecting them both. He thinks Elizabeth needs to be realistic about whether she can pay back the loan – he doesn’t think her business will grow fast enough.

So, though he will lend her some of the money, she needs to come up with £300,000 of it.


Bert’s latest rhymes

Bert has a crafty plan for how to do the audio commentary for Lower Loxley’s latest tour.

[Bert] “It come to me this morning while outing out a fat ball for the tits.”

(as you do!)

Rhyming couplets.

[Bert] “Cooks waited until the toffs hadn’t finished eating, then she’d toss aside Mrs Beeton
Then at the table she would eat, to more than likely rest her feet.”

Though that rhyme wasn’t exactly as Bert would have it.

[Bert] “I’d thought of rhyming onions and bunions but it seemed a bit obvious.”

Lewis isn’t a fan.

[Lewis] “It’s not exactly conversational, rhyming couplets. Uncle Rupert’s not Rupert Bear … I don’t agree.”

[Bert] “If I’d agree with you, we’d both be wrong!”


So Bert wants rhyming couplets. Lewis was “common parlance” – “simple and uncluttered”.

Where’s going to be the compromise between that?

Well, I shouldn’t have underestimated the always marvellously diplomatic (and usually right) Lewis.

For starters, his reasoning has convinced Bert that it was a tad over ambitious to even just write rhyming couplets for all of the audio.

When Bert then tells him that he now agrees that it needs to be more traditional dialogue, he also reveals that he’s worked out a shortlist of whom will do the acting.

As Cook – Freda, Clarrie or Jill

As Uncle Rupert – Rob.

But, Lewis has already hired a professional company to do the audio. Which is news to Bert. He thought he was doing all of the writing, casting and production.

Seems Freda has already been practising … aha!

But, Lewis tries to convince Bert that his idea needs was:

[Lewis] “So marvellous, it deserves to be produced in the most professional manner possible.”

[Bert, not buying the flattery] “So, there’s no role for me at all?”

Lewis reckons Bert actually has the most important role of all.

The design and layout of the visuals.

[Lewis] “Visuals leave lasting impression on the visitor.”

Bert seems interested. Seems he has experience.

[Bert] “My 5 onions on a plate often got an honourable mention.”

Well, that’s just grand then.

Lynda’s doing Vicky’s washing

She’s even ironed Bethany’s baby grows. And has use the same detergent as Vicky (Lynda looked under her sink to check).

[Lynda] “It’s comforting for Bethany if her clothes smell the same as yours.”

Vicky starts crying.

Of course, not everyone has been as kind …

Vicky is still upset by Peggy ignoring Bethany yesterday, though Peggy has now sent them a card.

[Vicky] “And you’ll never guess what Hilary Noakes asked me yesterday. If Bethany will ever be able to walk!”

[Lynda] “Oh, good lord.”

[Vicky] “The ignorance of some people, eh?”

[Lynda] “Well I shouldn’t worry. All she’s managed to produce is a cockatoo!”

(ahem … all’s Lynda manage to produce is Llamas and Scruff)

Vicky turns on Lynda

Well, not entirely – but she does, for the very first time, decide not to support one of Lynda’s causes.

While Lynda assumed she’d have Vicky backing her with her badger road sign idea, seems Vicky agrees with Mike that the signs would be “overkill”.


Looks like Vicky has entirely new priorities these days.

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