Friday, 14 June 2013

Funerals and Fairy Lights: Fri 14.06.13 #thearchers

Pondering The Archers Friday 14th June 2013
  • Jazzer lies about fairy lights
  • Emma’s flowers droop, Nic’s don’t
  • Ed’s bought off Jamie
  • Lilian doesn’t want to say goodbye to Paul

Jazzer lies about fairy lights

[Clarrie] “White rambling roses, trailing down like milk from Bridget’s churn.”

Is Clarrie’s plan for her Flower Festival display, showing Saint Bridget.

She’s still very worried about Christine’s use of white flowers, So, is applying pressure onto Jazzer (her mole).

[Clarrie] “You’ve gone very quiet on the Virgin Mary.”

Jazzer reckons he can’t talk in public (they’re on the phone), so he best come round for tea tonight (!).

[Clarrie] “I was going to have a night off cooking tonight.”

(Seems Eddie and Joe are away at the Three Counties)

But, Clarrie’s so desperate that she relents. She even agrees to do him a pudding.

When there, while Clarrie feeds Jazzer, Jazzer feeds Clarrie a load of made-up nonsense.

He reckons Christine is using carnations. And roses.

This devastates Clarrie, as she’d only just this morning decided to use roses.

[Clarrie] “You are the bearer of bad news.”

Pushing Jazzer harder for details, he comes out with:

[Jazzer] “Fairy lights, Christine’s using fairy lights. Stringing them roond her heid.”

(the Virgin Mary’s head, not Christine’s own head)

[Clarrie, delighted] “How vulgar!”

Nic reckons it sounds nice, and it will make Christine’s noticeably different from theirs.

The Jazzer’s a cheeky money.

And a greedy one.

He surely must realise he’ll be found out eventually?

Emma’s flowers droop, Nic’s don’t

Trying to ingratiate herself above Nic with Clarrie, Emma’s joined them at the Church to arrange flowers.

Seems Clarrie’s very impressed by Nic’s efforts. She thinks they’re “nicely balanced”.

Emma’s not as impressed. Especially as:

[Emma] “My flowers keep drooping down.”

And with that, Emma gives up.

[Clarrie] “Perhaps you could just sweep up the bits.”

Oh dear. Emma really needs to try harder.

But, rather than do so, Emma instead turns on Nic:

[Emma] “Why didn’t you ask me, before taking George to church?”

[Nic] “Will didn’t mind.”

[Emma] “I don’t care. You should have asked me first.”

Emma does have a point. I agree that Nic shouldn’t have enveloped George in the CofE before his mum agreed.

But, as per, Emma’s going about it completely the wrong way.

Ed’s bought off Jamie

Which is fair do, considering he and Jazzer wanted Jamie to work for them (as a sheep catcher, though Jazzer tried to get him to do it for free).

[Jazzer] “I’d have done it for a pub supper and a few pints at his age.”

Jamie has agreed to work the first day (Monday) without pay, as it’ll mainly be training.

[Jazzer] “He should be paying us for Monday.”

[Ed] “You can’t exploit people, Jazzer … You’ve got to accept it. We’ve got to start acting like we’re professionals.”

Well, Jazzer was right to point out that some College Students pay for their internships.

But, catching sheep can hardly be compared to working on the stock market, or a national newspaper (in my humble opinion).

Lilian doesn’t want to say goodbye to Paul

To be more specific, she doesn’t want to go to his funeral. But Matt is insisting.

So, Lilian offloads (again) to Jolene.

[Lilian] “How can I go? It’s impossible … I’ve become a practised liar … You’ve saved my life.”

Though Lilian has been such an idiotic woman over the last few months, I do have sympathy that she can’t talk to anyone but Jolene. Not even Jennifer. And she obviously has to suffer the death of her lover in silence.

[Lilian] “The thought of standing there with Matt beside me, Paul lying there in the coffin, it’s just horrific.”

And there’s the practical matters. She’s worried how much she’ll cry.

[Lilian] “It won’t be just dabbing my eyes with a hankie … I can’t trust myself not to weep and wail like a madwoman.”

And there’s the fact that Paul’s ex-wife, Celia, once saw Lilian go into Paul’s flat. With flowers and wine, and:

[Lilian] “A big smile on my face ... if she’s at the funeral, my life will unravel.”

But, Jolene thinks Celia might not recognise Lilian.

[Lilian] “What, larger than life Lilian?”


[Lilian] “It’s all going to come out. Maybe that’s my punishment. To lose them both.”

Jolene reckons that it’d be more suspicious for Lilian not to go. After all, she has been invited.  And Paul was Matt’s (half) brother. She suggests Lilian tells Matt, just as they’re about to go in, that she feels like she’s intruding and would rather leave him to go in and mourn alone.

[Jolene] “Play the sensitive outsider … then you buzz off and have a coffee somewhere. And pick him up when it’s all over.”

Or, Lilian could pretend a headache.

[Lilian] “Do you think I can pull it off?”

[Jolene] “You might have to. I’m sorry, I can’t think of anything better.”


Lilian has brought this on herself.

But Matt is a very evil man. He’s insisting. Though Lilian doesn’t know that he knows.

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