Saturday, 11 August 2012

Harry’s Bisexual, Jazzer shags Fallon: Tues 07.08.12

(sorry to be so blunt, but that’s exactly how it went!)

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 7th August 2012
  • Jazzer’s boozing, Fallon’s jealous and the van’s knackered
  • The village of Shap
  • Will Harry reveal to be a serial killer?
  • Hello Grant!
  • Fallon and Jazzer, in a van
  • Kirsty, Harry and Grant play spin the bottle

Jazzer’s boozing, Fallon’s jealous and the van’s knackered
[Jazzer] “The map reader is thirsty … hurry up, I demand to have some booze!”

(ah, didn’t take Jazzer as a fan of Withnail and I)

[Kirsty] “Give me one as well Harry, a beer I mean.”

Kirsty’s just having a laugh, but Fallon sees it as something quite different.

[Fallon, pretending to be Kirsty] “ ‘Oh Harry, isn’t Fallon silly, did I mention I’m single?’ “

[Jazzer] “You're no still doey eyed over wonder boy are you? I thought you’d be over him by noo.”

[Fallon] “It sounds as if they’ve high.”

But then the van thumps, and they have to pull onto the hard shoulder.

Fallon lets her green monster out.

[Fallon] “The idea was to get me and Harry together!”

[Kirsty] “We’re only keeping ourselves entertained.”

Friends again, they get back in the van. Harry knows a nearby village …

The village of Shap

Is somewhere in Cumbria (near Penrith, Harry said). Harry knows it very well indeed. He even has a friend there. So they decide to get to get to Harry’s friend, in Shap, to see if they can get their van fixed.

But he’s sounding a bit shifty about who the friend is, and why he’s never mentioned hi, before …

Will Harry reveal to be a serial killer?

As they drive into Shap:

[Kirsty] “I’ve lost the (mobile phone) signal.”

[Jazzer] “That’s it then, we’re doomed. I reckon this was Harry plan all along …Lure us oot into the middle of nowhere then murder us!”

[Harry] “Oh shut up.”

On Harry’s friend:

[Jazzer] “Probably some nutter who wears his mother’s skin for a dress … This is where he sacrifices us on a bare rock.”

Hello Grant!

[Kirsty] “Ooh, hey there!”

Well, we can take from Kirsty’s response that Grant is quite a looker.

He seems friendly chap. He immediately welcomes them, and offers them to stay the night. Which everyone is most decidedly grateful for.

Then he starts tells tales of he and Harry’s university days (that’s how they know each other).

Skinny dipping.

Oh aye!

And he suggests they all have a go.

[Grant, rather wistfully] “It’d be like old times Harry.”


Fallon and Jazzer, in a van

(rather than up a tree. Far more sensible)

Jazzer soon tired of Harry and Grant’s Uni stories.

Fallon was still convinced Kirsty was “all over” Harry (despite Kirsty more adamantly and clearly saying she doesn’t even fancy him. What sort of mate would she be to go after him, even if she did?).

So they both end up back out at the van.

[Fallon] “This trip’s a disaster before it’s even started.”

[Jazzer] “He’s no worth it. Seriously, if he’s too much of a numpty to see what’s in front of him.”

[Fallon] “Well it doesn’t look like he’s having any trouble now. Meanwhile, I’m sat up on my shelf.”

[Jazzer] “Don’t talk mince. You could have anybody you wanted.”

[Fallon] “Except Harry.”

[Jazzer] “That’s cause he’s a numpty … there’s nothing wrang wae you, you’re perfect!”

[Fallon] “It’s never going to happen. Why does nobody love me Jazzer … it’s not like I’m a minger. And I'm funny … and I can pull a pint. What else can a man want?”

Later, we hear (what sounds like) Jazzer kissing Fallon.

[Jazzer] “You’ve got such soft hair.”

[Fallon] “You’re always so lovely to me. And there I am pining over some guy who is never going to be interested, and all my dumb dreams of becoming a star …”

[Jazzer] “You are a star.”

[Fallon] “See, you think I’m special just for being me. Makes me wonder if I’ve got it all wrong …”

Fallon demands more booze, which Jazzer tries to suggest wouldn’t be a good idea (blimey!). They kiss.

[Jazzer] “Sorry, I cannae, you’re drunk and you're upset.”

[Fallon] “I’m not a child. I appreciate you being all gentlemanly. Just be the same as you are with any other girl. Jazzer. Just be you.”

Next we hear is more kissing, and the sound of a zip being taken down …

Goodness me!

Kirsty, Harry and Grant play spin the bottle

Now, that’s always a dangerous game for adults to play. Truth will out …

[Kirsty] “Why, what are you hiding?”

When Grant leaves the room for a moment, Kirsty says to Harry that Grant reminds her of Patrick. Except Grant’s hot.

(I was wondering why Patrick and Kirsty never got it together)

Back to the truth …

Kirsty spins, it lands at Grant and he chooses truth.

She asks him why he and Harry haven’t been in touch for such a long time.

Harry says that just had a falling out.

[Harry] “Well, anyway, I wish it had never happened.”

[Grant] “Me too … there’s not a day goes by I don’t regret it.”

[Kirsty, sensing it was more than just a ‘usual’ tiff between mates] “Wow, what was it?”

She guesses it was a love triangle.

[Kirsty] “Who was she?”

[Harry] “But it wasn’t a girl.”

[Kirsty] “What do you mean it wasn’t a girl … oh …”

And there we have it.

Harry’s secret.

He’s bisexual.

There. That wasn’t so difficult, was it?

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