Phoebe arrives in Ambridge: Tues 31.07.12

(blimey, that was a quick flight)

The Archers Tuesday 31st July 2012

• Hayley wants Roy in the fast lane
• NOW Hayley worries about Phoebe’s room
• Mike likes grandkids
• Ed’s also dropping his price
• Phoebe’s arrival home is … muted
• Jazzer’s going to the ‘Brugh!
• Abbie likes the horses
• Brenda really has changed

Hayley wants Roy in the fast lane
So that they can get to the airport before Phoebe arrives.

Roy, ever calm, keeps to the slow lane.

They’ll get there. Eventually.


NOW Hayley worries about Phoebe’s room

She’s wondering if she should have spoken to Phoebe first before she redecorated.

Bit late for that, considering it’s done and Phoebe’s on her way.

When Phoebe sees it:

[Phoebe] “It’s different … I was expecting it to be how it was … than you. It was nice of you.”

So, not totally enamoured, but not horrified.

At least Delia’s pot matches the room (so reckons Hayley), though it might not have been a good idea for them to have hung photos of everyone Phoebe is “missing” from South Africa.



Mike likes grandkids

Vicky and Mike are sitting Abbie while Hayley and Roy go to collect Phoebe from the airport.

[Vicky] “This is fun, isn’t it Mike. It’s lovely to do things with the little one. There’s so much you can share with them. I really feel we have so much to give.”

[Mike] “Yeah, grandkids are great.”

Being Mike, I’ve no idea if he said that without thinking, or if he was trying to make a point.


Ed’s also dropping his price

So that Mike can drop his.

I would have thought they’d both be manning the barricades by now!


Phoebe’s arrival home is … muted

(Well, not literally. We wouldn’t have heard anything)

When Phoebe sees Hayley and Roy, she starts sobbing.

When she gets home, she goes straight up to her room. Not even stopping to admire the banner or cake that’s been made in her honour.

She’s a tad monosyllabic when Roy and Hayley go up to see her.

[Roy] “What about, um, well, eh, how are things with Kate?”

Phoebe changed the subject.

But, Phoebe doesn’t eventually go down, to say hello to all, and to get a hug from Mike.

[Phoebe] “It’s good to be home. It really is.”

Jazzer’s going to the ‘Brugh!

[Fallon] “I know what Jazzer’s superpower is mum, persuasion.”

Jazzer’s persuaded  Mike to let him go on holiday.

Because Fallon said he could come, when he fixed her van yesterday, she’s now stuck with him.

[Fallon] “I didn’t mean it. I was just being nice … I thought I was safe … I’d look like a right cow.”

Ever ready with good advice, Jolene suggests Fallon gets a fourth to come on holiday.

[Jolene] “Dilute him a bit.”

[Fallon] “Yeah, so he’s not so much of a gooseberry.”

(oh-ho! Fallon does have dishonourable intentions towards Harry after all!)

So who is Fallon going to call?

Kirsty.

She gets the time off of Ambridge Organics no problem (Helen must still be full of the joys of motherhood), but Jaxx might be a problem. It’s busy, and they’re already down staff.

[Jolene] “Do you want me to push Kenton a bit, see if he can sort something out?”

[Fallon] “Push hard … my happiness is at stake here!”

Abbie likes the horses

At the Olympics.

Bless.


Brenda really has changed

It’s a shocker!

Vicky tells Brenda that she’s told Mike she’s pregnant (Vicky, not Brenda).

[Vicky] “He’s been a bit dazed since then.”

Vicky doesn’t know if Mike is happy or not about the baby.

[Vicky] “And I realised I was just talking and talking because I was scared that he’d say … he doesn’t want it …  Will I measure up? I know what a wonderful mother Betty was to you and Roy … Mike’s been through it before, but it’s all going to be so new to me.”

[Brenda] “Mum was new to it once, you mustn’t worry about trying to be her. I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful mother, in your own way.”

[Vicky] “I can’t do it alone Brenda, but I can’t lose mike. If that’s my choice, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

Brenda even offers to go to the midwife with Vicky, as Mike’s likely to be busy (and still pondering).

Caring. A good listener. And helpful.

Where’s our usual brand of Brenda?

Phoebe leaves for Ambridge: Tues 31.07.12

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 31st July 2012

• Did Kate really have to go off?
• It wasn’t a gun
• Kate dumps Johan, Johan isn’t bothered
• What’s Phoebe ever done to God?
• Delia has a word
• Kate’s apology falls flat
• Lucas forgives
• Phoebe doesn’t want to say goodbye

Did Kate really have to go off?

As Phoebe’s getting ready to leave for the airport, and just as Delia and Michael arrive, Kate heads out.

[Delia] “What’s the matter with the girl, her daughter’s about to fly back to England …”

Kate did have important stuff to do, but surely it could have waited!


It wasn’t a gun

And seems he wasn’t actually a bad taxi man after all.

Lucas reckons the taxi driver was just scared. He didn’t have a gun, and he was genuinely driving an odd route to avoid bad traffic.

Poor man.


Kate dumps Johan, Johan isn’t bothered

Kate left Phoebe, just as Phoebe was getting ready to leave South Africa, to go and see Johan.

For goodness sake!

Even Johan thought that was a bit odd.

[Johan] “I wasn’t expecting to see you today. Your little girl’s going home, ya?”

Kate starts to sound like she’s leaving Lucas for him …

[Johan] “Get real .. My life is not set up for kids and doing the 9 to 5, I thought we were just having a bit of fun here. Can’t we just carry on?”

[Kate] “No, we can’t. You're right it’s not fun anymore.”

Kate ends “it”. There and then. She reckons it should have never started in the first place.

Johan concurs.

[Kate] “You’re not upset?”

[Johan] “Of course, but these things run their course … these things get a bit too complicated.”

Realising that Johan never gave a hoot for her, Kate starts crying.

[Johan] “We had a good time while it lasted.”

Kate then tells Johan she’s also quitting College.

[Kate] “I almost lost my husband and my daughter because of what we did. I can’t ever see you again.”

Well now.

Was Kate about to stay if Johan wanted her?

Or did she intend to dump him and her work from the off?

Either which way, what a bizarre thing to do when your daughter is leaving!


What’s Phoebe ever done to God?

[Desmond Tutu via Delia] “Remember, you don’t choose your family, they are god’s gift to you.”

My word, Phoebe must have done something horrific to make God gift her a Kate!


Delia has a word

Delia takes Kate aside to tell her that she has a very special girl for a daughter.

[Delia] “You’re lucky her father and stepmother brought her up so well.”

(meow!)

Delia gives Kate a bit of a lecture about, though she doesn’t know the ins and out between Kate and Lucas, how being a mother means having to give everything up for her family. Sometimes.

[Kate] “You’re right. You don’t know anything at all!”

(double meow!)


Kate’s apology falls flat

[Kate] “Look, Phoebe, I want to apologise … I just want you to understand, whatever terrible things I've done, none of it, absolutely none of it, has anything to do with how I feel about you … I don’t want to part like this, I’m still your mum, I know I don’t always live up to your expectations …”

[Phoebe] “You can say that again!”

[Kate] “Well, what do you want me to say? I am trying to be better.”

[Phoebe] “It’s not about what you say … don’t you get it mum, you always think you can talk your way out of things, well it’s not good enough this time … try doing the right thing for once.”

Kate was about to start telling Phoebe about why she went out with Johan (good lord – does that woman have no sense?) when, thankfully, Lucas interrupts them.

[Lucas] “You just can’t stop doing it, can you … you can’t make her forgive you.”

 
Lucas forgives

Kate tells Lucas that he was right about Durban. That it’s a great career opportunity. And a better lifestyle.

[Kate] “All I want now is for you, me and the children to be together, It shouldn’t have taken for this to have happened for me to realise that.”

[Lucas] “I could have listened. More. Much more.”

Kate demands that he must forgive her if they can hope to carry on.

Eh?

Now, I know Lucas seemed to be a bit of a bully when we first visited with him and Kate in South Africa – but how much can anyone really listen to Kate without going mad?

And the cheeky madam is only now saying that she wants Lucas, Durban and her kids because Johan’s not interested.

On their way to the airport, Phoebe asks Lucas if he’s going to stay with Kate.

[Lucas] “I don’t know. She says she wants to come to Durban, though.”

[Phoebe] “But it's not that simple?”

[Lucas] “No.”

[Phoebe] “Look, I know my mum’s rubbish, She gets stuff in her head and then that’s it, she doesn’t think, she gets carried away, and I know what she did was really bad, but that’s what’s great about her too … In your heart, do you think you can give her a second chance?”

[Lucas] “Yes Phoebe, I think I can.”

Well, more fool him.


Phoebe doesn’t want to say goodbye

Quite literally.

She won’t let Kate come to the airport to say goodbye to her.

[Phoebe] “I don’t want you to.”

[Kate] “I know I'm not the best mum in the world Phoebe, but I do love you, you know that, don’t you?”

[Phoebe] “I know.”

Ouch.

No ‘I love you too mum’ back.

And that’s how they left it.

Ach well. Kate will have forgotten about Phoebe again in a matter of days.

Mike’s told he’s going to be a dad (again): Mon 30.07.12

The Archers Monday 30th July 2012

• Vicky doesn’t want her toast
• Mike doesn’t approve of Kate
• What’s Adam thinking?
• Jazzer’s a happy chappy
• Fallon’s glum
• Mike’s had more cancellations
• She’s having a baby!
• Jazzer’s Highland Games 2013?

Vicky doesn’t want her toast

But Mike’s too knackered from the Community Games to notice.

How will he cope once the baby arrives.


Mike doesn’t approve of Kate

Now there’s a surprise.

Seems Phoebe was shaken by the bad taxi man experience. But she wasn’t hurt.

[Mike] “Must have been pretty badly shaken up to come home early … It’s Kate all over innit, the sooner Phoebe gets home and back under Roy and Hayley’s influence the better.”

What’s Adam thinking?

Certainly not about Ian.

Ian forces him to talk to him during the working day. Seems it’s the only way he’ll get to see him.

[Ian] “You’re making sure we’re only both at home when one of us is asleep.”

Adam denies.

Ian’s still (rightly) furious that Adam told Brian he wouldn’t be part of turning more of Home Farm over to arable, for the Super Dairy, without talking to him first.

Ian’s worried about what will happen if Debbie and Brian decide to turn yet more of Home Farm to arable.

Adam reckons he’d just look at “other opportunities”:

[Ian] “Other opportunities. Like moving away from Ambridge?”

[Adam] “Possible. I’d have to see.”

[Ian] “You really haven’t given me a second thought!”

Adam reckons Ian can work anywhere. But, Ian might not want to work anywhere.

But, Adam agrees to sit down and talk properly. Soon.

What’s that man thinking?

Does he want to lose Ian Craig … officially the nicest man to have even graced Ambridge?


Jazzer’s a happy chappy

[Jazzer] “You know sometimes when everything goes right … nae hangover, finished the round quick, even the pigs were in a good mood!”

Ah, nice to hear Jazzer’s dulcet tones being upbeat for once.


Fallon’s glum

Her van won’t start. Which means she’ll need it towed to a garage.

She needs the van for her and Harry’s Fringe extravaganza.

[Fallon] “This was meant to be a cheap trip!”

But not to fret. Jazzer’s in such a good mood that he takes a look at the van (for a free pint, of course).

[Jazzer] “What’s occurring … when you turn the key what happens?”

Amazingly – Jazzer diagnosis the problem from Fallon going “broom, broom, broom”.

After having a proper look, Jazzer decides the plugs are getting “sooted” up. And fixes it.

Fallon’s over the moon! Jazzer will get another pint AND one of Freda’s pie and chips on the house.

[Fallon] “So, you think it’ll get to Edinburgh?”

[Jazzer] “Know what you need, a resident mechanic!”

Fallon reminds Jazzer that he can’t get the time off of work. But Jazzer reckons:

[Jazzer] “Folk can change their minds.”

[Fallon] “Not Mike. He’s not exactly Mr Flexible, is he?”

(oh, that ominous for Vicky)

So – do we think Jazzer broke the van in the first place?


Mike’s had more cancellations

Seems more and more folks are deciding that while his milk is better, they can’t afford it.

He’s even considering dropping his prices.

Oops.

That won’t be good timing …


She’s having a baby!

[Vicky] “There’s something I need to tell you … yes, well, you know I went to the surgery last week for my smear test … I saw the doctor, not the nurse … this is all taken me by surprise, and I’m not sure how you’re going to feel about it …”

[Mike, sounding scared] “I thought it was just routine, you know … you know you mean the world to me. And I’ll support you every step of the way, whatever happens. I know the treatment can be tough … but look at Ruth Archer …”

[Vicky] “No, there’s not going to be any treatment.”

[Mike, terrified] “It’s incurable?”

[Vicky] “No, it’s not cancer, I’m not going to die, it’s quite the opposite actually.”

[Mike] “The opposite? What’s the opposite … oh my god!”

[Vicky] “I’m pregnant. I’m going to have a baby … I’ve thought more and more about it … I really think it’s a blessing … fate has given me, given us, this wonderful chance … I do think some things are meant to happen, aren’t they … our little baby … I know you’ll love it … it’s really what I’ve always, always wanted. It’s just going to be wonderful, don’t you think?”

At first, silence from Mike.

Well, he didn’t have to recover after Vicky’s onslaught.

[Vicky] “So, how do you feel?”

[Mike] “It’s, um, well, I can see how much it means to you, it’s just a bit of a shock … I think I, um, need a bit of time to let it sink in.”

And Mike doesn’t want anyone else to be told. Not with Phoebe coming home. She should be the centre of attention.

Vicky agrees, but:

[Vicky] “It’s like I’m bursting with the news m I want to tell the whole world!”

[Mike] “Let me work out how I feel about it …”

Mike was then rather shocked to be told their first scan is next week …

So – does Mike not want to tell anyone who that they still have abortion as an option (without anyone condemning them)?

Will he ever agree it’s a miracle?


Jazzer’s Highland Games 2013?

Jazzer was not impressed by the Community Games

[Jazzer] “It was like a weans sports day … Real Highland Games, there’s a spectacle, not some nancy bouncing over a ramp of chucking a gum boot!”

(steady on Jazzer! I know a fair few ‘nancy’ types who could do you proper damage with a welly!)

So, Jazzer might organise his own Highland Games next year.

That’ll be interesting.

The Community Games/ Village Fete 2012: Sun 29.07.12

The Archers Sunday 29th July 2012

• Brian Aldridge, nobility
• Debbie’s’ definitely Brian’s child
• Lynda’s bereft
• Is Christine Steve Redgrave or David Beckham?
• Cider club training = cider
• At least Jennifer appreciates culture
• Lynda’s Best Sport

Brian Aldridge, nobility

Or so he’d have us think (*snort*)

It’s the day of the Community Games and Village fete, so Brian’s puffing himself up. As Chair of BL, he reckons he’s the special dignitary of the day. After all, BL gifted the field (scrap of land, not useful for anything else, in common parlance) for the Jubilee, which the games are now being held on.

[Brian] “Yes well, Noblesse oblige.”

Debbie’s’ definitely Brian’s child

Well, she’s not. But she’s certainly shaping herself in his image.

Brian reckons Debbie is being “practical” about Adam refusing to be on side about the super dairy. She agrees with Brian that they’ll just carry in regardless.

I used to like Debbie so much.

For shame.

Later on, Jennifer tells Brian it’s all his fault. It’s Brian’s attitude that’s pushing Adam away, alienating him.

[Brian] “That’s not fair, I’ve always treated him as my son, and as far as I’m concerned he still is. But he’s got to realise the farm can’t run according to his peculiar pangs of conscience.”

[Jennifer] “You see, that’s exactly what I’m talking about!”

Jennifer’s quite right.

Brian only really treats her kids as his kids when they agree with him …


Lynda’s bereft

With the performance art cancelled (due to artistic differences), Lynda is quite despondent.

[Lynda] “Ambridge has been denied a most unusual site specific dramatic feast … When I think of those hours of creative dialogue, all wasted.”

Ah, it sounded hideous, but I always feel sorry when Lynda’s plans go awry.

She does try hard. And it’s never just got her own sake.


Is Christine Steve Redgrave or David Beckham?

Well, Brian’s certainly no Steve Redgrave. So good thing he didn’t carry the torch in. He just lit it.

Molly Button then started off first in the torch relay. We didn’t get to hear who else took it round, but Christine brought it back (does that make Christine Steve Redgrave or David Beckham?!?)

[Kenton] “Our oldest torch bearer Christine Barford is approaching.”

Ooh!

I wouldn’t have called Christine old while she was holding a naked flame!


Cider club training = cider

[Eddie] “Cider club has been training on our special reserve. Breakfast of champions.”

[Alan] “Better than communion wine, you reckon?”

At least Jennifer appreciates culture

As Brian and Jennifer browse the paintings Lynda’s arrange for (what’s left) of the Cultural Olympiad:

[Brian] “They look like the paintings Ruairi does to me.”

[Jennifer] “Real sense of explosive power. It’s very athletic.”

[Brian] “If you say so.”

Lynda’s Best Sport

As the Community Games commence, it becomes obvious that Kenton hasn’t a clue what’s supposed to happen. He’s relying on Jolene, and his mum, to have done everything.

He didn’t know the caterpillar race was a relay.

That Jill and Mike had sorted out the obstacles for space hopper race.

As the games progress, Eddie and Alan have a shouting match. Alan urging on Shula, Eddie for Will.

[Eddie] “No chance, look at Will’s wriggle action!”

Seems Amy slowed up Alan’s team when she got her sleeping bag zip caught. So Alan has a lot of shouting to do …

[Lynda] “It’s very undignified, isn’t it, wriggling along the ground like that.”

[Jennifer] “Lynda, you’ve got to admit it’s very funny!”

Just then, Freddie “found his action” and started to help The Stables team to make an impact:

[Kenton] “This is a titanic battle of the bugs!”

When it’s Eddie’s turn to be a bug, the sleeping bag is a tad too small … they reckon it might have been the pint he had before the race.

As the race finishes, Kenton realises he hasn’t thought through what the medals will be. Or how they’ll be presented. He tried to shift blame … couldn’t get Jolene to sort it (she had to go back to The Bull) … couldn’t get Jill to step in (she was managing the book stall, single headedly, seemingly) … then turned to Lynda.

[Lynda] “Oh no, after all those snide remarks …”

[Kenton] “I’m begging you … it’ll be a disaster!”

[Lynda] “It’ll be a disaster of your own making.”

But, moments later, we hear Jennifer and Lynda getting busy with glitter. Robert’s fetching the blocks from the village hall. Jennifer’s also on bouquets.

And the winners are … The Stables team (Freddie, Alistair, Daniel, Shula).

But the medal for the “most sportsman like behaviour” … Lynda Snell!

[Brian] “Don’t say anything, just board your charity of fire”

Ah, don’t we like it when all ends well.

Vicky’s pregnant! Oh blimey: Fri 27.07.12

The Archers Friday 27th July 2012

• Adam makes a decision, Ian shouts!
• Brenda says sorry
• Vicky is far from menopausal …
• Brenda’s surprising reaction
• Jazzer’s determined
• What a drama over performance art
• Shula’s poached Freddie
• Phoebe’s fine, so Lucas can’t be dead?

Adam makes a decision, Ian shouts!

We started tonight’s eavesdropping episode with Brian having to do something Brian doesn’t like to do.

Beg.

[Brian] “You’re obviously take it to the wire … please call me.”

Ian’s also trying to hunt down Adam. He wants to see if Adam has made his mind up, and also to know when he’ll be talking to Brian.

Ian calls Adam to check if made mind up and when talking to Brian. But also doesn’t get to speak to him.

Adam eventually turns up at Brian’s, quite late in the day.

Before he can say anything, Brian starts nagging.

[Brian] “Please don’t take this the wrong way …”

BUT a passing mention of “bedraggled” looking calves. And a fence that needs to be fixed.

[Brian, pompously] “I hope you don’t mind me reminding you.”

[Adam, sarcastically] “It’s nice of you to take an interest.”

And Brian keeps on. About how he supposes Adam isn’t up to much, but as he’s waiting for the harvest to start, he supposes it’s easy for Adam to slip  up …

[Adam] “Brian, for goodness sake, what do you think I’ve been doing all day. Sitting in the tractor shed reading brochures from machinery companies? You may remember my telling you that fencing wasn’t just the sort you can patch!”

Actually, Brian. Adam had to wait for a specialist supplier. And he’s late tonight as he was out there fixing it, with Jeff.

[Brian, not remotely humbled] “I knew you’d be on the case.”

[Adam] “But you thought you’d just pick me up on it … Well don’t worry, as it happens it makes things easier … I’m here in response to your ultimatum … I thought this might be a difficult conversation, but do you know what, it won’t be difficult at all.”

I think we all knew what was coming next …

… actually, I certainly didn’t.

Adam had told Brian ‘no’. But Ian’s reaction was not what we’ve come to expect of our lovely Mr Craig.

[Ian] “So have you made up your mind?”

[Adam] “I’ve just been to see Brian. I’ve told him, I won’t be working on the new crops for the new dairy … I’m out of the arable at home farm. I think he was shocked to be honest.”

[Ian] “He was shocked!”

[Adam] “Didn’t think I had the nerve!”

[Ian] “Adam, so you’re telling me that you’ve made up your mind and committed yourself to something that’s going to change our lives completely … without a single word to me … well thanks, did you give me a second thought?”

[Adam] “Well. I thought you knew how I felt.”

[Ian] “Well whether I did or not, why didn’t you talk it through with me first?”

[Adam] “Well I’ve done it now!”

[Ian] “Great, and we’ve both got to live with the consequences.”

Oops.

Trouble in paradise.


Brenda says sorry

What, what, what???

Brenda apologising?

Well, I never.

[Brenda] “Vicky, I’m sorry. I went too far and I really didn’t mean to … I don’t think I’ve been very fair on you recently. What I said about mum. It just slipped out. I honestly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

Vicky tells her the dress has gone back to the shop.

[Vicky] “You were probably right anyway. Never mind about the dress …”

Indeed. Vicky has other thoughts on her mind. Rather stunning news, actually.


Vicky is far from menopausal …

[Vicky] “I’ve some news, and it’s left me a bit stunned.”

(told you!)

[Vicky] “I’ve had a big shock Brenda. How I’m going to break the news to Mike, I’ve got no idea.”

She’s pregnant! Which wasn’t remotely planned.

[Vicky] “I thought I was well passed all that.”

[Brenda] “How do you feel about that?”

[Vicky] “Oh Brenda. There’s a little tiny bit of me that’s so excited I can’t tell you, but then, I just feel numb really. I don’t know what to think.”

[Brenda] “Well it’s a shock. When you going to tell dad?”

Vicky’s decided to wait until he gets back from his woodland course. Better face to face.

[Vicky] “What a welcome home … I just don’t know how he’s going to react Brenda, I can’t imagine he’ll jump for joy … There’s no way I could cope on me own with a little one, that I’m sure of … I’m going to have to …”

[Brenda] “You can’t!”

[Vicky] “I can’t even bear the thought of it … I don’t see I’ll have any choice. Mike’s done all of that, he’s got you and Roy, he’s over 60 … it all adds up against me, don’t you think?”

[Brenda] “Vicky, you haven’t even spoken to him yet.”

Brenda’s right. Vicky needs to talk to Mike before jumping to any conclusions about what’s next.

[Brenda] “What a shock, eh!”

[Vicky] “Brenda, thank you,. I’m so glad you called when you did.”

[Brenda] “Vicky, if it was just you, if you didn’t have to worry about dad’s reaction … how would you feel then?”

[Vicky] “I wanted a baby so much when I was younger … my little baby. You gotta promise me one thing though …”

And Brenda does. She promises not to say a word.

Phew! My. Giddy. Aunt.

I’d first guessed Vicky was pregnant, but fell for the red herring of her ‘just’ being menopausal.

What a turn up! I’d hope Mike will be his usual fair self … once he calms down, and after a few pints.


Brenda’s surprising reaction

I was obliviously taken aback by Vicky announcement.

But it was a tad overshadowed by Brenda’s reaction.

I’d predicted Brenda would do her nut if Vicky was pregnant.

But, she was the exact opposite.

Brenda was caring. She listened. And she gave Vicky comfort.

What, what, what???

I might even start to not despise her …


Jazzer’s determined

And once he’s made his mind up …

Jolene was telling Kenton that Jazzer’s doing “intense lobbying” to get time off from work. Mike’s so far holding firm.

[Kenton] “Well, my money’s on the Scotsman.”

As Jolene said, Fallon will be furious if Jazzer succeeds. Her camper is so small, it does sound like three will be a rather intimate crowd.


What a drama over performance art

[Roy] “What on earth's going on out there? There’s someone doing Summer Fall on the church tower, and a heart broken woman sobbing on the village green.”

[Kenton] “Ah, well that’ll be the theatre group. Did you notice anyone trying to sabotage it?  It’ll only be a matter of time. Rumour has it the Octogenarians of the village have had enough.”

Ah – I’d wondered when the revolution, led by Jim, would begin. All because the performance art is not very Ambridge.

[Kenton] “It’s a creative exploration of creative communication between lost souls, apparently.”

Jolene isn’t finding it funny. She really has taken against the actors.

[Jolene] “I can’t imagine why anyone would be pleased to have them back in again.”

[Kenton] “Well it’s business.”

[Jolene] “That’s the sort of business we can do without. Last time they came in, they offended half the regulars.”

[Kenton] “Be fair though, the other half had a great time!”

Later on, Lynda isn’t a happy bunny. Something’s gone badly wrong.

[Kenton] “Something about Seth wanting to introduce some totally new scenes … so Lynda got involved, in spite herself.”

So the actors have decamped from disrespecting St. Stephen’s and the village green to The Bull. To discuss.

[Jolene] “Oh poor Lynda. Perhaps you should go and have a word with her … back her up a bit.”

Kenton didn’t go over, and it all got far worse for Lynda:

[Kenton] “I was right, the whole thing seems to have fallen apart. The production’s off, they’ve pulled the plug on it … the prat in the Cheesecloth, Seth, or whatever he calls himself. The Ambridge Renaissance has been postponed … Apparently there was a bit of subversion from our older villagers as well. Serious stuff. Loud conversations on the village green, laughter at inappropriate moments. Very tasteful but tasteful resistance.”

(Jolene’s snort of laughter at that was rather marvellous!)

[Jolene] “Poor Lynda. She thought it was marvellous.”

[Kenton] “I do feel guilty … I just can’t stand the pretentious twaddle you get from that lot! … Anyway, I’ve told her the whole village is looking forward to her other cultural stuff.”

Which seemingly cheered Lynda up a fair bit.

Jolene then chucked the actors out.

Performance art in Ambridge.

That was short lived, then.


Shula’s poached Freddie

The Fete games seem to be getting overtly competitive already:

[Roy] “Very controversial, Shula’s poached Freddie for the Stables team.”

[Kenton] “Ooh!”

But Elizabeth’s fine about it.

[Kenton] “All in the right spirit then.”

(hang on … isn’t Freddie not very well endowed in the sporting department? I thought he was only good at horses?)


Phoebe’s fine, so Lucas can’t be dead?

Kate called Roy to tell her what had happened to Phoebe (which was yesterday in Ambridge Extra. Or today. Or tomorrow. Who can tell!).

[Roy] “Some sort in incident in a taxi … my god, when I think about it … something about a taxi forever getting aggressive … she wasn’t hurt, thank goodness … she’s badly shaken though … now she can’t wait to get home … it’s Kate I blame, what was Phoebe doing on her own in a taxi in the first place?!?”

So, Phoebe’s coming home on Tuesday.

Roy is glad.

Question is  - did anyone get shot?

Or Kate just neglect to mention the use of firearms to Roy?

Vicky’s being told her age: Thurs 26.07.12

The Archers Thursday 26th July 2012

• Mike’s looking forward to a woodland management course
• Brenda’s a b*tch to Vicky
• Pavel admires Adam
• Lynda’s actors irritating the locals
• Mike’s an amateur husband
• Adam has 1054 hectares
• Poor Vicky

Mike’s looking forward to a woodland management course

Bless him.

He’ll get glad to get away from Jazzer, who is seemingly constantly whining about not being able to go to Edinburgh. Not that he’s been invited by Harry or Fallon.

[Mike] “You know Jazzer, when he gets something in his head, it’s hard to shift it … Two whole days on woodland management, bring it on!”

Brenda’s a b*tch to Vicky

Mike and Brenda are having a wee chinwag, when Vicky bursts in to reveal her new dress.

Mike slightly grunts at it.

[Vicky] “Oh, what would you do with him Brenda, talk about damning with faint phrase.”

[Brenda] “Well, to be honest, it is a tiny bit short isn’t it, a bit young …”

[Vicky] “I’m 46 in case you’d forgotten!”

[Brenda, being rather catty] “Yeah of course. If you like it, fine.”

[Vicky] “Well come on Mike,. You like it don’t you?”

[Mike] “If I’m honest, I have to say I don’t like it as much as the gold one …”

[Vicky] “What gold one? I’ve never had a gold dress in my entire life!”

[Brenda] “No dad. You’re thinking of mum’s.”

[Mike] “Oh, um, yeah perhaps I am. Sorry.”

(Brenda leaves)

[Vicky] “Oh great. Thanks Mike!”

[Brenda] “Well thank you very much. Just once, it would be nice if you could take my side when Brenda makes one of her bitchy comments.”

[Mike] “I don’t think she meant it to be bitchy.”

[Vicky] “Well what would you call it when she said I was too old?”

[Mike] “She was only thinking of you.”

[Vicky] “So, you don’t agree with her?”

[Mike] “Well not really, no.”

[Vicky, fuming] “Thanks Mike, I really appreciate that”

So Mike goes out for a pint.

How to make a bad situation worse!


Pavel admires Adam

That Pavel (one of the fruit pickers) is a bit odd.

Ian sounds like he really ‘likes’ him.

Now it would seem Pavel really ‘likes’ Adam.

Or, Pavel could just be that interested in farming.

Pavel had called Adam as one of the other pickers had backed the tractor into one of the poly tunnels, and pulled one of the loops out.

Pavel volunteers to help fix it, instead of going to the pictures. He’s even got the replacement hoops, sheets and tolls all ready for Adam.

[Pavel] “You work too hard, you know that, I only hope you are appreciated.”

As it gets later, though Adam wants to crack on, Pavel wants to relax and have a couple of beers.

[Pavel] “So come on, chill, it’ll all get done in the end.”

What is this Pavel all about?

Is he angling for a better job, or something else?


Lynda’s actors irritating the locals

And they haven’t even shown them their performance art as yet …

As Mike gets back in from the pub:

[Mike] “Alright love … it was okay, not very relaxing though … Lynda was in with that mad theatre lot. Had the place in uproar. Will Grundy was in, and when they heard he was a keeper, they thought they’d stage an impromptu shoot!”

This can only get increasing worse. For all.


Mike’s an amateur husband

Which is odd, as he’s had plenty of years to practice.

He’s left his wife fizzing, for a pint at the pub.

Gets back home:

[Mike] “What’s the matter love?”

(doh!)

Then he says that her dress has been really pretty, after all.

(doh!)

[Vicky] “Don’t patronise me Mike. It’s too young for me. Brenda thought so and you agreed.”

[Mike] “Come on, this isn’t like you.”

[Vicky] “It is now. It’s time I was acting me age. I wouldn’t want to embarrass you, looking ridiculous, trying to cling on to my youth with everyone sniggering behind me back, saying ‘poor old mike, who does she think she is?’ ”

[Mike] “You are down in the dumps.”

(no sh*t Sherlock!)

[Vicky] “Just facing some uncomfortable truths, that’s all.”

Mike then mentions that he noticed she has an appointment at the clinic (from their wall calendar). Vicky tells him it’s for a routine smear:

[Vicky] “While I’m there I’m going to face up to it, ask some advice about to change.”

[Mike] “You mean, what to wear?”

[Vicky] “Mike!”

[Mike] “Oh, um, right, eh …”

Later on, Mike doesn’t want to go on his (ever so super) woodland course. And leave Vicky like this.

[Vicky] “I think I better sit here quietly and drink my coco. That seems to be all I’m fit for … Suddenly you realise you don’t quite feel like the woman you see in the mirror.”

[Mike] “You don’t look any different to me.”

[Vicky, genuinely] “That’s nice of you.”

Adam has 1054 hectares

Blimey.

That’s a big ‘un!

Pavel reckons his problem is that Adam is a manager who doesn’t get to manage. The small detail gets in the way, making him inefficient.

Adam was not amused to hear a fruit picker calling him inefficient.

Not at all!

But, Pavel gets to keep his job. Adam just had another beer.

Pavel reckons Adam should get more people involved in the farm. Do shared farming. Even tenancy farming.

[Pavel] “You could do well in Poland. You've got a free mind, and I know people who would value that.”

Adam reckons he could be right.

So. Adam moves to Poland, or Africa?


Poor Vicky

As we left Ambridge tonight, we heard Vicky calling Lynda. It was quite late (Lynda was likely in bed). But Vicky needed to talk.

Poor Vicky. She may be a loud ‘un, but she’s not a bad ‘un.

Lucas is shot?: Thurs 26.07.12

Ambridge Extra Thursday 26th July 2012

• It’s the same night as before
• It’s Lucas’ fault Kate had an affair
•  “I’m from a little village called Ambridge, In Borsetshire … don’t worry, nobody’s ever heard of it.”
• Taxi man – I really didn’t like that

It’s the same night as before

Very confusing.

It’s still Tuesday.

Though I suppose Tuesday could actually have been today.

And Hayley called, which happened in Ambridge on Friday 20th.

Brian freeze!


It’s Lucas’ fault Kate had an affair

Lucas makes Kate admit that her car was at the College when it was wrecked.

[Kate] “I remember now, I went over to pick up some course work, and then I went to Kimy’s.”

(what a rubbish liar Kate is. Surprising, considering the years of practise she has)

[Lucas] “It’s Johan isn’t it. Just admit it. That’s who you were with. It’s why you’re so against coming to Durban with me. You want to be with your lover … come on, at least do me the respect of telling me the truth!”

(they’re interrupted by Hayley calling. Which was actually last Friday. Hmmm)

When Kate gets off the phone from lying to Hayley (that Phoebe’s safe at home):

[Lucas] “Butter wouldn’t melt eh, well you convinced me.”

Kate accepts the inevitable and accepts that she has been cheating. But, she claims she doesn’t know how long it’s been going on (!!!). Lucas twigs that it must have been happening when Johan was at his parents’ house the other week.

[Lucas] “Was it some kind of thrill for you, like you were getting away with it?!?”

Lucas reckons he’s given everything to Kate. A home. Family. Taken her away from Britain, which she claims she hates.

[Kate] “What? you’ve given me!”

[Lucas] “Nothing’s ever good enough for you, is it?”

[Kate] “And what? I’m supposed to be grateful and obey?”

[Lucas] “You didn’t have to go off and screw somebody else!”

[Kate] “Can you blame me? It’s not like I get any affection from you. Well I don’t! Have you listened to yourself recently. All you care about is Durban and your work!”

Kate that claims she only ever thinks of her children. That she’s devoted to them (!). She also claims her work is of world importance.

[Lucas] “You’re such a hypocrite. The way you bang on.”

[Kate] “I’m making a difference.”

[Lucas] “Oh yes, you're a saint, not a spoilt little rich girl at all.”

[Kate] “My life revolves around you and the kids, I’m the one who’s got to fit in, You’ve got the whole family around you … my friends are your friends … I’m only telling you how I feel … Johan actually values who I am … for the first time I’m really achieving something, and he makes me believe in myself.”

Lucas asks what she was planning. Was she going to stay in Johannesburg? With the kids? And Johan?

[Kate] “I don’t know. I’ve never abandon them, I couldn’t do that again.”

Kate reckons it was just one quick fling.

[Lucas] “Did you ever think about us? It’s not as if Johan is the type to stick around … are you in love with him … or just the sex then?”

[Kate] “He was kind to me, that’s all. He was kind when you weren’t … I admit, I’ve been stupid and careless. You know what I’m like. But I never meant for any of this to happen.”

[Lucas] “But it has.”

So it has indeed.

So, Kate. On a flight. Back to Ambridge. Soon?

(*sigh* I’d far rather she stayed away)


“I’m from a little village called Ambridge, In Borsetshire … don’t worry, nobody’s ever heard of it.”

Sounds like Phoebe hasn’t been told about the secret microphones yet …


Taxi man – I really didn’t like that

We were worried about Phoebe getting into that taxi.

And we were quite right too.

Though the very dodgy taxi man was shocked when phoebe told him she was only 14, he went on to say:

[Taxi driver] “The boys in your class, they must like you … very pretty, very nice. Did you hear me? You are a beautiful young woman.”

Oh, that’s just creepy and ever (ever) so wrong.

He asks Phoebe where her parents are.

[Taxi driver] “Do they know you’re out on their own? It’s very dangerous.”

He then decides to drive her a “quicker” way to Mandisa’s house.

(horrible, horrible, horrible)

We later hear Kate answering the phone to Mandisa, who tells her that Phoebe hasn’t arrived.

Kate and Lucas realise something is amiss. Though Kate could have avoided all of this if she’d called Lucas about Phoebe storming off, rather than trying to get hold of Johan …

Phoebe then texts to say she is in trouble. Lucas takes control. He tells Kate to stay put, and keep texting with Kate, while she and he talk on the landline as he tries to find her.

Thank goodness for that! The Taxi driver was taking yet another wrong turn, this time away from a road blocked by the Police. He also tells Phoebe:

[Taxi driver] “I have protection … under my seat,. People know not to mess with me, or next thing, they’re in hospital.”

Oh sh*te.

Think we all guessed what’s coming next (not Phoebe though. She thought the taxi man was saying he had a baseball bat).

As Lucas tries to find Phoebe:

[Kate] “I’m so sorry, this is all my fault … I didn’t want to lose either of you.”

[Lucas] “Look that’s not important now!”

(quite right Lucas. Even when her daughter is in danger, Kate’s just Kate, Kate, Kate)

Phoebe’s text lead Lucas to him. As he runs across traffic to get to her, she manages to get out of the car.

[Taxi driver] “She tried to rob me!”

(what!)

We then hear everything from the secret microphone next to Kate. She’s still on and landline, and can hear Phoebe screaming, Lucas and the taxi driver shouting.

Then,

BANG

And the phone goes dead.

At least Ed believes: Wed 25.07.12

The Archers Wednesday 25th July 2012

• The difference between a chef and a farmer …
• Adam’s still undecided
• Ian ‘likes’ Pavel?
• Pavel disagrees with the Super Dairy
• England: a safe haven for gay men
• Keira left her fluffy pig
• Emma’s only got Ed
• Adam to leave Ambridge?

The difference between a chef and a farmer …

Adam spotted a deer with a dodgy leg.

[Ian] “All I see is a dozen acres of venison on legs. Guess that’s why I'm a chef and not a farmer.”

Adam’s still undecided

Adam’s refusing to be rushed,  or harassed, about making his decision whether to support Home Farm growing arable for the Super Dairy.

He reckons that if he gives way to Brian and Debbie this time, he’ll be pushed around forever.

Ian seems to be on Brian and Debbie’s side, to an extent. He doesn’t see what difference it makes to Adam where the crop goes once it’s been grown. Growing a crop is growing a crop.

[Adam] “It would be like me saying to you cooking’s just cooking. I may still be growing crops, but what they’re grown for makes a difference.”

Ian ‘likes’ Pavel?

Ian suggest to Adam they meet up for pint later on.

What a surprise … that fruit picker Pavel was there again. Ian did seem to really enjoy his company the other week …

Pavel’s also passionate about food.

Proper food.

Food grown on proper farms. Not industrial units.

When Adam comes back from getting another round in:

[Pavel ] “Perhaps you’d like me to go away?”

No! Not Ian.


Pavel disagrees with the Super Dairy

[Pavel] “You produce it, he prepares it. You make a pretty good team.”

Well, sometimes. Cracks seem to be appearing over the Super Dairy. Though Pavel seems to agree with Adam’s side of the ‘discussion’.

[Pavel] “Agri business always wins in the end … proper food. If everyone demanded good food, they’d be no agri business.”

Tad simplistic, but I take Pavel’s point.


England: a safe haven for gay men

Who’d have thunk it.

[Pavel] “That would be very unusual in my county. You and Ian. Living like you do.”

Keira left her fluffy pig

At Brookfield.

Lucky Ed was over there fixing their quad bike.

She wouldn’t have got to sleep otherwise.

Keira not sleeping might have sent Emma over the edge.


Emma’s only got Ed

Ruth and David seem to be uncomfortable about Emma being definite that Keith was the arsonist.

They’re worried that the Police only seem to now be hunting down “one line of enquiry.”

[Emma] “Not even mu own mum, believes me. David, Ruth, everyone’s saying, are you sure, are you sure … Emma must have got it wrong, that’s what they all think … what if I have Ed, what if I’ve done that to uncle Keith and it was nothing to do with him. He’s always been so lovely to me. I can hardly believe it myself. But I did see him Ed, I did. I did. But I keep thinking … should I just ring again, tell them I wasn’t right, I’d got it wrong?”

After nearly convincing herself she could have been wrong, Ed convinces her that she was right.

[Ed] “I believe you Emma … and if Keith did that, if he pit all our lives at risk, then he’s got to face up to what he did … he needs banging up Em, and that’s all there’s to it.”

Adam to leave Ambridge?

Seems increasingly likely to me.

He’s between Brian and a hard place.

[Adam] “When did Brian ever compromise for me?”

Ian’s not sure Adam is being fair to Brian. Adam’s definite Brian’s not being fair to him. His chat with Pavel gave him more than food for thought:

[Adam] “I like his vision. It’s like the way I used to feel in Africa … I sometimes wish I was back in that world.”

What’s Adam’s options?

He stays, and has a tiny bit of Home Farm to work the way he wants to. While the Super Dairy usurps the rest.

Or go, and have the working life he craves.

Question is, would Ian go with him?

Jazzer claims he has dignity: Tues 24.07.12

The Archers Tuesday 24th July 2012

• Kenton just wanted to read the papers
• Did Jolene sound odd to you?
• The Flame bearers
• To visit Edinburgh, ones needs a Glaswegian
• The actors have arrived
• The Bull’s team gets a head start    
• How did that sound like Wuthering Heights?
• Eddie’s special burger

Kenton just wanted to read the papers

It’s Kenton’s day off. He wants to “chillax” with a newspaper.

Jolene reckons Jill’s actually doing on the work.

[Jolene] “Come on Kenton, time to get your act together!”

Just as Kenton is about to escape Lynda’s wittering about her actors, he’s nabbed by Fallon and Harry, who are keen to get practicing for the Fete games. And they need Kenton for that. Being the mentor and manager of The Bull’s team.

[Jazzer] “I wouldnae fight it pal.”

Jolene even had Kenton’s training kit washed and ironed.

After the training:

[Kenton] “Right, that’s it. I’m off to chillax with the paper.”

But, just as Kenton’s about to head off to “wine, Miles Davis and the paper”, Wayne phones to talk to Jolene. So, Jolene needs Kenton to look after the bar.

But Kenton really isn’t that bothered. He’s looking forward to his forthcoming trip to New Zealand.

(when is that happening? And what did Wayne want?)


Did Jolene sound odd to you?

She did so to me.

Slightly clearer in tone.

Odd.


The Flame bearers

At the ‘Ambridge games’ will be Amy Franks, Alice Carter, Milly Button and Christine.

[Lynda] “And I was wondering about Hilary Noakes … she’s volunteered.”

Sounds ominous.


To visit Edinburgh, ones needs a Glaswegian

Jazzer’s sense of logic considers to stagger.

[Jazzer] “The thing about Edinburgh is, you’ve got to watch your back. We Glaswegians, we have the bad reputation, but we know better you see … you could do with someone with local knowledge along wae you.”

[Harry] “Jazzer, it’s an internationally famous event. It’s just full of people out to get rich cultural experiences.”

[Jazzer] “That’s exactly my point, you could get fleeced if you don’t know you don’t know your way aboot … and what about the cafs, you could end up spending a fortune.”

Harry reckons they’ll just take food back to the van. Jazzer changes tact:

[Jazzer] “That’s daft, You’d be missing out big time … Look at me as your local tour adviser, dedicated to enhancing your holiday experience.”

But of course, we all know Jazzer’s real reason for wanting to go. He’s worried Harry and Fallon will (finally) become an item.

Jazzer fancies Fallon. Fallon fancies Harry. Harry seemed to fancy Fallon, but then (without a word of explanation) went off her.

When Harry and Fallon are out of earshot, Jazzer asks Jolene which of them had the idea to go to Edinburgh (if it’s Harry, he can punch him. Fallon’s, he’ll weep).

[Jazzer] “I wouldn't have thought it would hae been Harry’s. Not enough sweat and lycra involved.”

Jolene can’t help but be a bit wicked. She tells Jazzer just how small the camper van is. Especially with two sleeping in there …

But it’s all academic.

Jazzer can’t go, as Mike can’t have both Jazzer and Harry off the milk round at the same time.


The actors have arrived    

What a rare occurrence that is in The Archers …

Lynda’s acting troupe has arrived to practice their performance art.

[Lynda] “I don’t want to miss Seth’s proclamation … in touch with the unseen presences around us. Yes, I know it sounds strange … it’s a sort of deep thought, for example, beside the phone box, he asks us all to tune in to the myriad conversations that still hover round the air around it … it releases a huge amount of creativity.”

[Kenton] “What a bunch of nutters. I’m almost tempted to stay, but the armchair calls.”

The Bull’s team gets a head start    

Which is a wee bit unfair. Fine for them to train, but with the event organiser (who also happens to be in their team) is a bit of a cheat.

Mind you, Harry and Fallon do seem to be plotting their approach quite cannily. They’ve also managed to sidestepped Jazzer being on their team:

[Jazzer] “They tried their best, but a man has his dignity.”

(aye, right then!)

Back to the training:

[Kenton] “Come on your two, you’ve meant to be caterpillars not slugs. Put your backs into it.”

[Harry] “Someone better tell him caterpillars don’t have backs!”

The training seemed to go well enough.

[Harry] “Finally cracked the caterpillar wriggle, it’s all in the hip action.”

How did that sound like Wuthering Heights?

At one point tonight, Lynda’s actors started playing music.

I thought it sounded like early bagpipes. Or medieval court music, at best.

Kenton thought different:

[Kenton] “Sounds like they’re remaking wuthering heights!”

Eh?

I didn’t realise Emily wrote a soundtrack as well.

And not even Kate Bush ever sounded that bad …

Once they were done making a racket, the actors seemed to disappear.

[Jolene] “Seth’s incantations created a black hole, and they’ve all been sucked in!”

Well nearly. Eddie managed to snag them off to his cider club.

The verdict on what the village has seen so far of the performance art?

[Kenton] “Well they are a little bit, pretentious … no one in the village has the slightest idea of what they’re on about.”

[Lynda] “I do, I assure you. As would anyone who bothered to listen to what they have to say!”

(that’ll be just you so far then, Lynda)


Eddie’s special burger

Eddie strong-armed Kenton into trying one of his special burgers.

Kenton sounded a bit scared. But after he’d tasted a bit, he said it had flavour. That it was “quite nice”.

Eddie tells Kenton its wild boar.

Kenton’s impressed.

Until:

[Kenton] “Where did you get the meat?”

[Eddie] “Ah, lucky chance. Road kill.”

Kenton beats a hasty retreat.

Phoebe wants Ambridge: Tues 24.07.12

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 24th July 2012

• Phoebe got away with being drunk
• What a rubbish lie from Kate
• Phoebe’s finally got the measure of Kate
• Kate’s moving, whether she likes it or not
• Phoebe gives Kate hell
• Now Lucas knows the truth
• Johan’s gone to ground
• Surely Phoebe will be okay?

Phoebe got away with being drunk

She’s only 14!

But Kate and Lucas were too busy arguing about Kate’s rather knackered car to take Phoebe to task.

Shocking!

(of them, not her)

Though Lucas has spotted that Phoebe might need a bit more discipline in her life, Kate’s preoccupied. As per.

[Kate] “I guess the hormones must have started kicking in.”

(well, yes. That. And her mum’s a floozy)


What a rubbish lie from Kate

One would be quite right in assuming Kate would be good at lying. Second nature, as it were.

But her excuse about the car being smashed was that she left it outside a friend’s house (in somewhere called Greenside), rather than outside the University. And she didn’t call the Police because she was scared.

[Lucas] “It’s so strange, thieves normally steal cars, not wreck them.”

Surely Kate is just trying to cover up for her daughter? Knowing Lucas can be a bit strict, she’s looking after Phoebe.

No.

Kate just doesn’t want Lucas to ask questions about what she was doing at the University, so late at night.


Phoebe’s finally got the measure of Kate

 [Phoebe] “Mandisa, I’m telling you, my mum’s nothing but a liar … How could she do it though, she’s gross … I mean, everything I thought I knew about her … when she left me when I was a baby, she always used to tell me how it was the hardest thing she ever did, about how she was young and confused, and things were really nasty with dad. But it’s not true, is it?”

Phoebe’s starting to realise that Kate thinks only of Kate. And she’ll leave Sipho and Nolly just as she left Phoebe.

[Phoebe] “She doesn’t care about anyone expect herself.”

Kate’s moving, whether she likes it or not

Lucas’ plan of attack to Kate refusing to move is to just get on with it. He’s made arrangements to rent their house, and even has Kate calling the moving people (despite herself).

[Lucas] “Kate, if you can just try and accept we’re moving, you might come to like the idea. … I don’t get it … there’s nothing you’re during here that you can’t do there.”

Hmmm.

Methinks Kate is only thinking about doing Johan.


Phoebe gives Kate hell

[Phoebe] “I don’t want to be anything like you … your pots are cack anyway … you could see anything laughing. (Michael) felt sorry for you.”

[Kate] “Did something happen last night?”

[Phoebe] “You should know, you were there … you were with him … just stop lying.”

Phoebe tells Kate that she has seen the emails from (and to) Johan. Kate claims that they were flirting, but that was all. And it’s personal. Phoebe tells her she knows that she was abandoned in the shopping centre because Kate was going to Johan not, as she claimed, her friend in the hospital.

[Phoebe] “You don’t care, you don’t care about any of us?”

[Kate] “Of course I care … It’s not about you.”

[Phoebe] “Hayley’s right … You’re nothing but selfish.”

[Kate] “Sometimes everybody slips up.”

[Phoebe] “No mum they don’t. Not everyone always has to put themselves first.”

[Kate] “Well I hope your relationships are so perfect … I’m sorry, I didn’t mean …”

[Phoebe] “I want to go home, to Ambridge.”

Phoebe tells Kate that it was she who’d wrecked her car.

[Phoebe] “So go on then, get mad., I was just doing whatever I liked …Don’t you get it, I don’t want you anywhere near me. You’re full of it!”

And Phoebe stormed off.


Now Lucas knows the truth

Michael told Lucas that Kate’s car was at the University. Not at her friends. He’d seen it there himself.

[Michael] “I noticed because she was parked next to Johan …I could be wrong, but I have eyes. I hear stories. And I know that man …I don’t want to accuse anybody, but I told him off.”

When Lucas later comes back home, he demands to know who Kate was just about to call.

Looks like eh penny has finally dropped for him, as well.


Johan’s gone to ground

He’s not answering Kate’s calls.

Sensible chap.


Surely Phoebe will be okay?

As Phoebe stormed off, Kate couldn’t follow her as their younger kids were inside.

But, it’s dark. Phoebe’s only 14. And she’s out alone (again).

But this time she’s looking for a taxi.

One draws up, and she tells him where she wants to go.

[Taxi driver] “Are you sure, I can take you anywhere.”

What do we do if a taxi driver says something like that?

We don’t. Get. In. The. Car.

But Phoebe does.

And that’s where we left her.

Oh dear.

Tracey is frightfully rude to Emma: Mon 23.07.12

The Archers Monday 23rd July 2012

• Tracey pulls her punches
• Fallon and Harry return to go to Edinburgh
• Even Susan thinks Emma’s lying

Tracey pulls her punches

She went for purely verbal assaults instead.

[Tracey] “You can knock some sense into that spiteful daughter of yours!”

Seems Keith is at home, near suicidal with depression.

[Susan] “I can’t bear it, my daughter against my brother, what can I do?”

[Tracey] “She’s mad!”

Tracey reckons everyone knows Keith is innocent.

[Tracey] “Everyone knows it expect that vindictive daughter of yours.”

When Tracey later goes round to see Emma, to tell her to stop lying.

[Tracey] “You’ve built up this great big fantasy, it’s you that needs locking up, not Keith … what a  spiteful cow you are. Spiteful and malicious!”

Blimey. With an Aunt like that …


Fallon and Harry return to go to Edinburgh
How very odd.

We hadn’t heard from Harry nor Fallon for an age.

But up they pop today (right next to the secret microphones).

Harry’s bemoaning that everyone seems to have gone off on holiday. Though Fallon suggests he also heads off for a wee trip to the Milk Bottle Museum, he thinks he’ll just end up taking a holiday to watch the Olympics on telly.

Fallon’s next suggestion:

[Fallon] “A caravan in West super Mare and a bag full of 10 pence pieces, holiday sorted!”

Harry reckons he’s too skint to even afford that.

Then Fallon remembers she owns a camper van. Big enough for two …

[Harry] “Weston super Mare, here we come!”

Then they check what’s on:

[Harry] “Music and beer fest.”

[Fallon] “No thanks, potbellied blokes holding their pints up to the light … I get enough of that here.”

They want to go somewhere with life, music, culture … so they ask Kenton (!).

He suggest Edinburgh. He once went there with a mate:

[Kenton] “Yeah, and I think we left our mark!”

(he thankfully didn’t go into details)

So – they’ll be off to The Fringe. (The Fringe still strikes terror into my heart when it’s uttered … I survived 17 years of it as a local)

[Kenton] “Hmm Hmmm … you and Harry in a camper van, eh?”

Well spotted Kenton … Fallon might get her man after all!



Even Susan thinks Emma’s lying

After suffering the tirade from Tracey, Emma goes to tirade at Susan.

[Emma] “So, you still haven’t made up your mind, me or Keith?”

[Susan] “You can’t want Keith to go to prison love … It was someone who looked like Keith, maybe … I think you’ve built it up ... and now it’s a cast iron certainty … I know it’s a hard thing to admit, but can’t you accept the possibility that you could have got it wrong … it’s Keith’s future at stake … I’m sure in your heart you don’t want it to be him … the thing is, you’ve been wrong before … you swore blind that Ed was George’s father … you had us all going.”

[Emma] “This is nothing like that,. I saw him mum!”

[Susan] “You saw someone … maybe you just persuaded yourself it was Keith …”

Oh – Susan was cheeky to mention George’s paternity!

But she has a point.

Emma’s very good at convincing herself, then convincing everyone else …

Clarrie’s freezer is groaning ... what a boar: Sun 22.07.12

The Archers Sunday 22nd July 2012

• Adam’s not deciding, Brian’s not listening
• The returning hunters were not welcomed
• Will has a smelly pick up
• Jennifer’s finally fed up
• Is it illegal to sell road kill?

Adam’s not deciding, Brian’s not listening

[Adam] “I really thought Brian would listen to me for once … The problem is, he’s gone for the easy option. Never mind how I feel about it.”

[Ian] “Would it be so bad thought … basically, they’d be paying you to grow crops.”

Well Ian, apart from the crops being for the Super Dairy (which Adam is against), Adam also doesn’t have any say in the matter. What Debbie and Brian want goes, Adam’s opinion is worth nothing.

And Brian is pushing Adam hard for a decision.

[Adam] “You’ve sprung this on me; I don’t mean to be railroaded into it.”

But Brian does insist.

Adam has until Friday.

[Adam] “It’s not a matter of time, it’s negotiation by ultimatum.”

It’s not Brian I’d be furious act. It’s sister Debbie that shouldn’t be doing this.



The returning hunters were not welcomed

Clarrie can’t get to her sausages

[Clarrie] “All that wild boar meat, it’s taken me five minutes to find sausages!”

[Joe] “Providence cast that poor creature in our patch Clarrie, the least we can do is put it to good use.”

[Clarrie] “I wish it didn’t mean cluttering up our freezer.”

So Eddie and Joe’s delighted at landing (running over!) a wild boar was short lived. Clarrie was not impressed.

She’s not even in admiration of Joe’s prowess as a butcher, even though he’d learnt it off his dad. Who’d learnt it off his dad.

[Joe] “And his father learnt it off a travelling pig-sticker.”

All Clarrie can see is a “half hundred weight”  of boar meet, clogging up her freezer.


Will has a smelly pick up

Eddie, Joe and Clarrie have borrowed a shoot pick up while their van is being repaired (after its argument with the boar).

It smells of dead pheasant and wet dog.

Lovely.


Jennifer’s finally fed up

That took a while.

Jennifer’s caught between Brian and Adam, having to hear her husband says this sort of thing about her son:

[Brian] “If he finds it too much for his delicate conscience, we’ll need someone else.”

She is also fed up of hearing what the Board of BL want. She just wants her family together and happy.

A tad naively, Jennifer asks Brian to be “less confrontational”.

[Brian] “I’m sorry, I don’t have that luxury.”

What an ass.


Is it illegal to sell road kill?

Clarrie wants the boar meet to be taken to the dump. Or:

[Clarrie] “Get out that digger of yours, make a big hole, and chuck it in.”

Eddie and Joe want to sell it. They think they should have a word with Maurice … Clarrie’s outraged.

[Clarrie] “After all we’ve been through … selling dodgy meat!”

Joe reckons the boar lived naturally, and ate naturally.

Clarrie reckons it has to be properly killed and processed to be able to be sold.

[Joe] “It’s what folks want these days, wild meat.”

[Clarrie] “Eddie, how do you know this is legal?”

[Eddie] “It’s on menus in posh restaurants!”

[Clarrie] “And how are you proposing to make burgers anyway?”

That’s where Maurice comes in.

Clarrie had to remind Eddie that he’d already got Maurice into trouble by selling him “condemned” meat.

[Eddie] “Our boar meat hasn’t been condemned.”

[Clarrie] “Well of course not, it hasn’t been inspected.”

[Eddie] “Perfectly healthy that beast was.”

[Joe] “Apart from being dead …”

Clarrie also puts a dampner on them giving it away at the cider club (well, for an entrance see). She thinks they’ll be sued.

[Eddie] “I don’t know why you're putting the mucklers on this, time are hard.”

So – though Joe and Eddie reckon they could be the new Tom Archers (please, one is ample!) – Clarrie begs them not (not!) to give the meat anyway to anyone. Though they can eat it themselves. And, while they’re at it:

[Clarrie] “And on other thing, get it out of my freezer!”

*sigh*

Course, Eddie and Joe will try to sell it.

They always do exactly what Clarrie (quite rightly) tells them not to.

The Beast in the garden, the Beast on the road: Fri 20.07.12

The Archers Friday 20th July 2012

• Brian wants to talk
• A lounge with a view
• Keith’s been found guilty
• Bunty’s had a fall
• Jennifer discovers the Beast in her garden
• Eddie to become a recognised artist?
• Bust, and then BOOM
• Hayley’s annoyed with Kate

Brian wants to talk

That’s always worrying.

He forces Adam to sit down and talk to him.

Well, more to listen to him.

He tells him about losing one of their arable suppliers.

[Brian] “Which leaves us with only one option … Home Farm is going to have to be the supplier to the dairy … You can keep the venison and the sheep and the soft fruit, of course.”

[Adam] “Look .. I’m not going there again.”

[Brian] “It’s not up for discussion any longer.”

[Adam] “It’s not going to happen.”

[Brian] “Debbie agrees with me … we’ve looked into all the options, and basically there isn’t any.”

[Adam] “All my hopes for this place, all my ideas, you just want to sweep them away.”

[Brian] “All I want is the best for this business. It’s a family business. I need you to be part of the team.” 

[Adam] “Oh come on, it's a land grab. You and Debbie are taking over the farm and never mind what it does to me!”

Jennifer tried to suggest they could only use half of the land Brian needs from Home Farm, but he’s not interested.

Doesn’t Adam have a legal right to be consulted about the use of Home Farm land?

Maybe not.

If not, he’d be far better off elsewhere.


A lounge with a view

Eddie and Joe are at Home Farm, putting Ruairi’s dog statue on its plinth.

Ruairi told them to put it near the swimming pool, which they duly do. And they also made sure it could be seen from the house.

[Joe] “Nice to give them the benefit when they’re sitting in their lounge.”

Eddie kids around that he fancies taking a swim first.

[Eddie] “Maybe I’ll strip off and go in for 5 minutes.”

[Joe] “Madam Aldridge comes back with her la de da friends, that I’d like to see!”

Which gets Eddie pondering.

The Aldridges do have rather well connected friends.

Maybe he should also put a sign up saying ‘sculpture by E Grundy’.

Well, it is now going to be a very prominent feature of the Home Farm garden from now on.


Keith’s been found guilty

By Adam and David’s clan, it would seem.

[Adam] “Incredible aren’t they, that family.”

[David] “I must say, we’re all very relieved.”

Though they both agree that they shouldn’t be jumping to conclusions, that’s exactly what they are doing, They’re bath talking like it’s all over.

[Adam] "I won’t forget what you did. What you’ve had to go through, all of you. You’ve been rock solid.”

[David] “Well you know, anytime. Hey, we’re all alive.”

Have the forgotten it’s a gang that was after them?

Keith Horrobin may be many things, but he’s most definitely only one man.

And whether he was the man who’d been terrorising them on behalf of the gang has yet to be confirmed.


Bunty’s had a fall

Oh dear. Hope she’s okay.

(Bunty was the mum of Shula’s husband Mark)


Jennifer discovers the Beast in her garden

Hayley was round to Jennifer’s to see if she’d heard of any specific dates for Phoebe to return.

Then:

[Jennifer] “What in earth is that in the garden!”

When they go out to see it.

[Hayley] “Actually, I think it’s rather good. It’s got a lot of character.”

[Jennifer] “Oh, do you think so. To me it’s got a rather nasty sort of leer …The thought of having to stare out at this every day.”

(Brian joins them)

[Jennifer] “I blame Lilian for this. The ridiculous amount of money she had to pay him … I’m beginning to wonder if this has all been a put up job … he’s getting very devious, this son of yours.”

[Brian] “If it amuses him, where’s the problem … (once Ruairi bores of it) we can ship it off quietly behind the garage.”

Eddie to become a recognised artist?

Eddie’s plan to have Jennifer’s friends desperate to buy his ‘art’ might come true after all.

As Jennifer was worrying about what people will say when they spot the Beast from the terrace:

[Brian] “Spin them a line about getting into naïve art, the investment potential and so on, they’ll all what to go out and get one.”

Bust, and then BOOM

Eddie and Joe haven’t had a good week.

They sold the dog to Ruairi, but discounted.

And they sold two monsters, but as a  BOGOF.

[Eddie] “We’ll go bust at this rate.”

[Joe] “That lot wouldn’t know a bargain if it jumped into their recycled shopping bag.”

Then Joe shouts out as Eddie hits something (they’re in his van).

[Eddie] “Bloomin’ eck, where the hell did he come from.”

[Joe] “A bad week just got a lot worse.”

They’d hot a boar. A rather large boar. Which they reckon will be hard to explain on their insurance forms.

[Joe] “Don’t suppose they get a lot of wild boar suicides … You know what you just done, don’t you. You killed the beat. It’s going to be the end of your monsters … there ain't no mystery beast no more.” 

[Eddie] “Unless, who’s to say this is the Best of Ambridge … it came screaming out of the wood like a bat out of hell, like summit had scared it half to death … Play our cards right we have our cake and eat it too.”

*sigh*

Another Grundy scam ahoy.

Oh joy.


Hayley’s annoyed with Kate

Nothing unusual there, but it’ll explode if Kate isn’t more forthcoming soon.

Hayley has no idea of when Phoebe will be coming home.

And when she called to talk to Phoebe tonight, at a time they’d all arranged, Phoebe was out. Kate couldn’t say when she’d be back.

Sensing something’s not quite right, Hayley did ask if everyone was okay, but Kate didn’t say anything useful.

I can foresee Hayley getting on a  flight to South Africa very soon …

Lilian’s so naughty: Thurs 19.07.12

The Archers Thursday 19th July 2012

• Fete team selection hots up
• Keith’s been arrested, Emma unmasked
• Lilian loves winding up Jennifer
• Keith’s been released

Fete team selection hots up

[Susan] “Your dad thinks we should open a  transfer window … that’s the problem, nothing premier about our team … there’s Sabrina, she’s reasonably athletic I suppose.”

[Emma] “She’s got all the kit anyway.”

[Susan] “But you look at the other people we’ve got to go on. Jim, Jill, Oliver Sterling, Christine. You can see what I’m getting at … if I could go on the transfer market and sign up our Christopher or your Ed.”

Which, considering there are no rules for the Fete games, Susan might as well do. And stop complaining.


Keith’s been arrested, Emma unmasked

Tracey bursts into the shop to tell Susan and Emma that the Police have been round again. They’re arrested him this time.

[Susan] “Sometimes the Police can be totally out of order.”

(aye, Susan would know!)

[Emma] “Well it is a serious crime, people could have died. George.”

[Susan] “But they shouldn’t pick on someone just because of their name.”

[Emma] “Mum, you don’t know if it was because of that!”

[Susan, sensing something is awry] “What do you mean?”

[Emma, sensing Susan sense something is awry] “Nothing.”

[Tracey] “No you don’t, go on.”

[Emma] “Where did he go when he left the bar that night … I wanna know, that’s all … and how did he injure his leg like that?”

[Tracey] “The hamster.”

[Emma] “Oh come on, even you aren’t stupid enough to believe that!”

[Tracey] “It was you, wasn't it!”

[Emma] “No.”

[Susan] “Emma, was it? … oh Emma!”

But the deed is done. They know it was Emma who told on Keith.

[Tracey] “Never mind what you thought you saw, you got it wrong.”

[Emma] “I don’t think so.”

[Tracey] “You must have done, because Keith was never there!”

Emma’s adamant it was Keith. After all, why would he have seemed to guilty at his daughter’s wedding.

[Tracey] “Comes to something when a bit of compassion is a sign of guilt … why are you doing this. Why do you want him put away? … Now that they’ve got a witness, they’ll hammer away at him until he breaks.”

[Emma] “Don’t be silly, it’s not Guantanamo bay.”

[Tracey] “Don’t you joke. They’ll keep on and on at him, and when they’ve broken him, they’ll put him away for years,. And it’ll be all your fault! … I’ll never forgive you Emma Grundy. Do you hear that!”

(Emma stormed away)


Lilian loves winding up Jennifer

And how!

Ruairi is doing a spot of weeding for Lilian, to earn money to buy a dog statue from Eddie.

[Lilian] “The first thing we’ve got to make sure is that you know the difference between a  weed and a plant.”

Ruairi does know the difference, and asks if he can get 10p a weed.

(sounds expensive to me!)

As Ruairi gets underway, Peggy pops round for coffee. She’s also been approached by Ruairi. He must be desperate to earn his money for something:

[Peggy] “Whatever it is, Jennifer heartily disapproves … asking me not to be over generous with him.”

[Lilian] “She probably thinks I’m so mean she doesn’t need to bother. I’m intrigued though. I shall make it my business to find out.”

When Ruairi is finished, he’s pulled 123 weeds. He tells Lilian and Peggy what he wants the money for. And that not all of his family agree it’s a super statue.

[Ruairi] “Jennifer doesn’t think so. She told dad it was hideous.”

[Lilian] “Well, we’ll have to see if we can help, won’t we grandma …I can’t think why Jenny didn’t like him!”

[Ruairi] “He’s brilliant!”

[Lilian, chuckling] “If Eddie made him, I’m sure he's a real work of art … If we say 123 at 20 pence each … I think we better adds a £5 bonus on top … well, you found that long lost trowel … what was Eddie quoting?”

Ruairi says £45, but he bargained him down to £35 (Brian’s told him always to bargain).

So, Lilian tells Ruairi to also oil her front gate. And she’ll round it up to £35.

[Lilian] “In the meantime, why don’t you phone Eddie and get tour order in … but first, I’d insist he install it in your garden,. On a  little plinth.”

[Peggy] “Lilian. You are naughty. That’s a fortune!”

[Lilian] “I know, but what price happiness, eh?”

[Peggy] “Poor Jennifer’s going to be in for a surprise.”

[Lilian] “You know, I’d give anything to be there when she sees it!”

*big Lilian roar of laughter*

Marvellous!

Love it when Lilian plays rough!


Keith’s been released

Susan went round to see Emma at Rickyard.

Emma explains that she called the Police for her children. She again tells that it was Keith’s behaviour at the wedding which made her sure it was he who’d burnt down the Brookfield barn.

[Emma] “He was looking really guilty. And on top of that he had a limp … it all adds up.”

[Susan] “Maybe I’d have said something to Keith”

[Emma] “I don’t care, George and Keira, that’s what matters to me. And I thought you’d feel the same.”

Tracey bursts in (again) to say Keith has been released (though on Police bail). Emma reckons that means they Police have got their suspicions.

[Tracey] “Course they’ve got suspicions, he’s a Horrobin!”

Susan and Tracey assert that Emma’s go to remember Keith’s had his bad moments, but he’s nothing like Clive.

[Emma] “Keith’s just weak. If you asks me they’re as bad as each other>”

[Tracey] “Listen to Miss perfect, I don’t think. Quite happy to stitch up her own family, after she’s wrecked her own!”

(there was a big thump when Tracey said that. Must have been Emma thumping something or other, though surprised she didn’t thump Tracey!)

My word.

That’s a family argument and a half!

Still think it’s all a red herring, though. The more Emma says she’s sure, the less I believe her.

Phoebe’s trashes Kate’s car: Thurs 19.07.12

Ambridge Extra Thursday 19th July 2012

• On the vodka
• Told you, Johan’s a bad ‘un
• Kate having sex. BLEUGH!
• Kate scares Johan
• Phoebe wielding a wheel jack

On the vodka

At a club.

Phoebe’s only 14!

Lucky her mate’s sister’s boyfriend (still with me?) is a good chap. He’s aware that neither Phoebe nor her pal Mandisa should be drinking, and tries to get them to calm down.

He tells them they can meet the DJ, but only if they’re sober.

[Milton] “One thing he really hates is young girls throwing up all over his decks …All this booze, do you think it’s a really good idea … I don’t want to be taking her to A&E for a stomach pump.”

When later on Phoebe and Mandisa are drunk, Milton tries to talk to Phoebe. He tells her he’s talking to her like a big brother. How he can see she’s messed up, and know how she feels.

[Milton] “You can take it from me girl, getting wasted like this isn’t going to sort it out for you.”

Phoebe misreads his intentions and goes to kiss him, but he gently lets her down.

Top bloke, is that Milton.


Told you, Johan’s a bad ‘un

[Milton] “Oh ye, he’s a real operator. A total sleaze ball. A different girl for each night of the week.”

Kate having sex. BLEUGH!

Johan’s only interested in one thing

Kate’s telling Johan her home life woes, but he’s only interested in getting her clothes off.

They’re having adult relations in his office, while the student club (that Phoebe’s at) goes on downstairs.

Class.

That we also had to endure Kate very noisily enjoying these adult relations is something that will haunt me for many, many years to come.

But putting that aside (if we ever can), does Kate have a point that she shouldn’t have to move? She was telling Johan (though he wasn’t listening) how her work is so important.

[Kate] “I feel like it’s the first big thing I’ve achieved in my life.”

And remember Lucas did come across as a bit of a bully at the start of the round of Ambridge Extra.

Maybe this actually isn’t fair on Kate?


Kate scares Johan

Post-coitus, Kate starts talking about how she’s going to stay with her kids.

[Kate] “Stay for good. Forever … stay here and be with you, Why not, What’s stopping me?”

[Johan, sensing he’s in trouble] “We’ve got to try and be sensible about this.”

Kate starts talking about being a “proper couple”.

[Johan] “Kate, my sweet thing, I don’t want you to rush anything on my sake … let’s take it easy.”

[Kate] “Oh, don't you want me to stay?”

[Johan] “I’m saying that we’ve got to get dressed before the cleaners start knocking at the door”

And he leaves her there to get dressed! I don’t think he could have moved any faster.

Kate follows him down to the club, but he’s too busy trying to find a student he seemingly needs to talk to. He won’t even stop to talk to her properly.

[Kate] “Forget what I said upstairs, I didn’t mean to crowd you.”

(oh dear. That sounds desperate)

That’s when Phoebe spots the both of them …


Phoebe wielding a wheel jack

When Phoebe sees Kate and Johan, she runs outside with Milton’s car keys. She takes his when jack.

[Phoebe] “I’ve got to stop them.”

Next we heard Phoebe smashing something. Something large and metal, with glass.

By the time Mandisa and Milton get to Phoebe, she’s more or less written the car off.

[Milton] “Yeah, but you got the wrong car girl.”

[Mandisa] “No. it’s her mum’s. She’s trashed her mum’s car.”

Oh-ho!

Explain that one away, Kate.

Eddie (nearly) takes sweets from a baby: Wed 18.07.12

The Archers Wednesday 18th July 2012

• Brian wants more
• “Farmers market are meant to be for food”
• Ruairi now sounds English
• Roadside selling again
• Eddie and Joe have no shame
• It’s all family sized packs
• Jim’s stirring a revolt

Brian wants more

One of Brian’s Super Dairy suppliers has pulled out. It’s Beech Farm, and it’s because the farmer’s wife is ill, and they’re thinking of selling.

That leaves them 410 hectares short of arable.

So, Brian wants to go back to plan A, which is using Home Farm’s land.

[Jennifer] “No you can’t. You know what that will mean for Adam!”

[Brian] “We’ve done our best to accommodate him up til now.”

[Jennifer] “He’ll be devastated. And I’ve got enough on my plate with Kate as it is.”

Jennifer has to leave for a Farmers’ Market, and begs Brian to not talk to Adam about it until she and Brian have discussed it further.

As if Brian cares what Jennifer thinks …

And right enough, by the time Jennifer got back home, Brian had spoken to Adam. But only to arrange an emergency meeting (says he).

[Jennifer] “You’re basically going back on every single thing you’ve agreed over the last year.”

[Brian] “He’s family, he’ll understand … you know families, when the chips are down, they stick together.”

*sigh*


“Farmers market are meant to be for food”

So says Joe Grundy.

[Eddie] “Local produce, that’s what they’re about.”

[Joe] “Exactly produce … produce has to be something you can eat.”

[Eddie] “Well it’s local anyroad, and crafted in a village 10 miles away.”

Eddie wants to try and sell his concrete garden ornaments at a Farmers’ Market, rather than keeping on trying car boots.

[Eddie] “Farmers markets are different. They’re stuffed with people who are loaded.”

[Joe] “And you reckon they’re going to buy one of them monsters, dream on … I’ll say this for you Eddie, when it comes to wishful thinking there’s nobody to touch you.”

[Eddie] “We’ve got to try out new markets if we’re going to get anywhere. That’s how Alan Sugar started, remember.”

*snort*

When they later on didn’t make any sales:

[Eddie] “They make out they got taste these people, it’s a load of cobblers.”

[Joe] “Tight as a tits’ nest, that lot.”

Ha! Eddie and Joe’s scams are quite irritating. I enjoy it when they fall flat.


Ruairi now sounds English

Phew!

Thank goodness he lost that very odd Irish accent. I normally love an Irish accent but his was, well, odd. I suppose it might have had something to do with living in Germany for a time. But, most decidedly odd.

He now sounds like a proper wee English public school boy. Which, I suppose, has to be an improvement.


Roadside selling again

Eddie and Joe were at the same Farmers’ Market as Jennifer and Ruairi.

Though they technically shouldn’t.

[Eddie] “To be fair, we’re not actually at the farmers market, we’ve just parked.”

[Jennifer] “You’re showing your ornaments.”

[Eddie] “We’re parked with the doors open.”    

Cheeky.


Eddie and Joe have no shame

Joe asks Jennifer what she thinks about Eddie’s ornaments.

[Jennifer] “They’re different …”

[Joe] “Extinct art, that is.”

[Eddie] “Ethnic.”

(actually, I think both of them are wrong)

When Jennifer leaves, a statue of a dog catches Ruairi’s eye. He reckons it looks like Fly (their dog that died recently).

Rather than pat Ruairi on the head and send him back to Jennifer, Eddie and Joe do their sales patter on him.

So, Ruairi returns to Jennifer, and asks for an advance on his pocket money.

[Ruairi] “Eddie’s got a big dog. It’s amazing, he looks exactly like fly … I do Jennifer, and they’ve got   it on special offer today … oh Jennifer!”

Jennifer says no.

Ruairi begs Eddie and Joe to hold it back for him.

Ruairi later begs Brian for an advance, but Brian tells him to earn it. So Ruairi takes all the meat packs back inside, and is going to ask the rest of the family for jobs to do.

Both Jennifer and Brian hope he forgets about the ornament when he does collect enough money.
The statue is hideous …


It’s all family sized packs

Though Jim eventually found a single portion of Jennifer’s meat, he had to wade his way through all the family packs.

That’s a bit of a marketing mistake by Home Farm.

Surely there’s more and more call for single portions these days?


Jim’s stirring a revolt

[Jim] “Did she alright to you … normal … for Lynda … She was down at the village pond this morning, looking as if she about to walk on it. Most peculiar.”

[Jennifer] “She’s lurking all over the place at the moment … opening herself up to energy pathways.”

[Jim] “Sticking her fingers in a plug socket might be easier.”

Jennifer mentions that Lynda is bussing folks in from Felpersham for the performance art. Jim’s horrified.

[Jim] “It’s not going to be for us, I gather … It sounds like the end of civilisation as we know it.”

That’s a bit strong, Jim. Performance Art may be annoying to some, but it’s hardly threatening.

Later in The Bull, Jim gets a head of steam going.

[Jim] “We’re got a serious problems on our hands here Bert … Lynda Snell wants to turn our community into a  freak show … she probably call it performance art, but it amounts to the same thing … apparently, she’s planning to bus in hoards of city folk to observe us in our natural environment.”

[Bert] “The way I heard it she was getting actors in.”

[Jim] “But that’s not the point. They’ll be using our village as a stage set.”

[Bert] “Are there any locals in it?”

[Jim] “If our village is to become a theme park, we might as well get something out of it … Lynda Snell’s plan to turn our village into the Truman show …you know Lynda’s problem. She still thinks of Surrey as the home country and this as an outpost of Empire.”

[Joe] “Ah, whatever you decide prof, we’ll be right behind you.”

[Bert] “Unless she’s paying, obviously.”

What’s wrong with Jim?

Lynda most definitely not treat Ambridge as anything other than her home. Above everyone else, she’s the one who gets involved, gets things moving and makes a difference.

I’m not saying she always gets it right, but she has best intentions.

I’ll be quite annoyed with Jim is he ruins this for Lynda. It’ll be like them all laughing at Lynda’s Llama Promise Auction again …