Thursday, 26 July 2012

Jazzer claims he has dignity: Tues 24.07.12

The Archers Tuesday 24th July 2012
  • Kenton just wanted to read the papers
  • Did Jolene sound odd to you?
  • The Flame bearers
  • To visit Edinburgh, ones needs a Glaswegian
  • The actors have arrived
  • The Bull’s team gets a head start    
  • How did that sound like Wuthering Heights?
  • Eddie’s special burger

Kenton just wanted to read the papers

It’s Kenton’s day off. He wants to “chillax” with a newspaper.

Jolene reckons Jill’s actually doing on the work.

[Jolene] “Come on Kenton, time to get your act together!”

Just as Kenton is about to escape Lynda’s wittering about her actors, he’s nabbed by Fallon and Harry, who are keen to get practicing for the Fete games. And they need Kenton for that. Being the mentor and manager of The Bull’s team.

[Jazzer] “I wouldnae fight it pal.”

Jolene even had Kenton’s training kit washed and ironed.

After the training:

[Kenton] “Right, that’s it. I’m off to chillax with the paper.”

But, just as Kenton’s about to head off to “wine, Miles Davis and the paper”, Wayne phones to talk to Jolene. So, Jolene needs Kenton to look after the bar.

But Kenton really isn’t that bothered. He’s looking forward to his forthcoming trip to New Zealand.

(when is that happening? And what did Wayne want?)

Did Jolene sound odd to you?

She did so to me.

Slightly clearer in tone.


The Flame bearers

At the ‘Ambridge games’ will be Amy Franks, Alice Carter, Milly Button and Christine.

[Lynda] “And I was wondering about Hilary Noakes … she’s volunteered.”

Sounds ominous.

To visit Edinburgh, ones needs a Glaswegian

Jazzer’s sense of logic considers to stagger.

[Jazzer] “The thing about Edinburgh is, you’ve got to watch your back. We Glaswegians, we have the bad reputation, but we know better you see … you could do with someone with local knowledge along wae you.”

[Harry] “Jazzer, it’s an internationally famous event. It’s just full of people out to get rich cultural experiences.”

[Jazzer] “That’s exactly my point, you could get fleeced if you don’t know you don’t know your way aboot … and what about the cafs, you could end up spending a fortune.”

Harry reckons they’ll just take food back to the van. Jazzer changes tact:

[Jazzer] “That’s daft, You’d be missing out big time … Look at me as your local tour adviser, dedicated to enhancing your holiday experience.”

But of course, we all know Jazzer’s real reason for wanting to go. He’s worried Harry and Fallon will (finally) become an item.

Jazzer fancies Fallon. Fallon fancies Harry. Harry seemed to fancy Fallon, but then (without a word of explanation) went off her.

When Harry and Fallon are out of earshot, Jazzer asks Jolene which of them had the idea to go to Edinburgh (if it’s Harry, he can punch him. Fallon’s, he’ll weep).

[Jazzer] “I wouldn't have thought it would hae been Harry’s. Not enough sweat and lycra involved.”

Jolene can’t help but be a bit wicked. She tells Jazzer just how small the camper van is. Especially with two sleeping in there …

But it’s all academic.

Jazzer can’t go, as Mike can’t have both Jazzer and Harry off the milk round at the same time.

The actors have arrived    

What a rare occurrence that is in The Archers …

Lynda’s acting troupe has arrived to practice their performance art.

[Lynda] “I don’t want to miss Seth’s proclamation … in touch with the unseen presences around us. Yes, I know it sounds strange … it’s a sort of deep thought, for example, beside the phone box, he asks us all to tune in to the myriad conversations that still hover round the air around it … it releases a huge amount of creativity.”

[Kenton] “What a bunch of nutters. I’m almost tempted to stay, but the armchair calls.”

The Bull’s team gets a head start    

Which is a wee bit unfair. Fine for them to train, but with the event organiser (who also happens to be in their team) is a bit of a cheat.

Mind you, Harry and Fallon do seem to be plotting their approach quite cannily. They’ve also managed to sidestepped Jazzer being on their team:

[Jazzer] “They tried their best, but a man has his dignity.”

(aye, right then!)

Back to the training:

[Kenton] “Come on your two, you’ve meant to be caterpillars not slugs. Put your backs into it.”

[Harry] “Someone better tell him caterpillars don’t have backs!”

The training seemed to go well enough.

[Harry] “Finally cracked the caterpillar wriggle, it’s all in the hip action.”

How did that sound like Wuthering Heights?

At one point tonight, Lynda’s actors started playing music.

I thought it sounded like early bagpipes. Or medieval court music, at best.

Kenton thought different:

[Kenton] “Sounds like they’re remaking wuthering heights!”


I didn’t realise Emily wrote a soundtrack as well.

And not even Kate Bush ever sounded that bad …

Once they were done making a racket, the actors seemed to disappear.

[Jolene] “Seth’s incantations created a black hole, and they’ve all been sucked in!”

Well nearly. Eddie managed to snag them off to his cider club.

The verdict on what the village has seen so far of the performance art?

[Kenton] “Well they are a little bit, pretentious … no one in the village has the slightest idea of what they’re on about.”

[Lynda] “I do, I assure you. As would anyone who bothered to listen to what they have to say!”

(that’ll be just you so far then, Lynda)

Eddie’s special burger

Eddie strong-armed Kenton into trying one of his special burgers.

Kenton sounded a bit scared. But after he’d tasted a bit, he said it had flavour. That it was “quite nice”.

Eddie tells Kenton its wild boar.

Kenton’s impressed.


[Kenton] “Where did you get the meat?”

[Eddie] “Ah, lucky chance. Road kill.”

Kenton beats a hasty retreat.

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