- Jazzer to sue the Flower Festival
- What’s wrong with Strip the Willow?
- Performance Poet or Clan Chief?
- Georgie, Georgie, how will your garden grow?
- Where’s the mayonnaise????
- Ah, William McGonagall …
- Neil left a pig in his car
Jazzer to sue the Flower Festival
The Flower festival raised a whopping £1,005.
[Jazzer] “Is that before paying damages to yours truly, after passing off emulsion paint as milk?”
[Kenton] “I don’t recall anyone else dipping their tea in a flower display.”
[Jazzer] “It’s an easy mistake to make.”
Course, Jazzer won’t sue.
He’s just trying to deflect from the chaos he created in the first place.
What’s wrong with Strip the Willow?
At the Highland Games/Fete’s ceilidh:
[Jazzer] “None of this strip the willow business, I cannae be daein wae that.”
And Jazzer wants a “proper caller”.
Eh?
More evidence that Jazzer is in fact not Scottish.
Strip the Willow is a fine Scottish dance.
And proper ceilidhs never have a caller.
True.
Performance Poet or Clan Chief?
Seems Lynda has no faith in Jazzer to actually find, and book, a real Clan Chief.
So, she’s booked a performance poet called Logan Macgregor to open the fete.
[Jazzer] “You’re kidding me!”
[Lynda] “Do you know him?”
[Jazzer] “It’s just the words ‘performance poet’ … It’ll be a disaster … Well, it cannae happen.”
Seems Jazzer has exceeded all expectations. He’s already found and booked a clan chief:
[Jazzer] “He’s the genuine hairy article, and he’s all signed up.”
(I still have no ken why a Clan Chief is so exciting. Ambridge can be odd, sometimes)
Georgie, Georgie, how will your garden grow?
George has his own garden
Lucky lad.
Neil’s made it for him, with its own sign and fence.
[Emma] “As long as it stops him praying all the time. I know everything thinks it’s sweet, but …”
[Neil] “Just a bit irritating?”
Ah … so there was method to Neil’s generosity.
Eddie’s pitched in:
[Neil] “What would you say to one of his gnomes?”
[George] “Yeah!”
(I’d have the same reaction!)
When Emma tells Jill about George’s garden:
[Jill] “Oh bless!”
[Emma] “Oh don’t say that. He’ll be praying again.”
When they later buy more seeds to add to his carrot seeds, Emma says yes to peas. No to radishes. And yes to lettuce.
(starting folks wondering if George be a Flower and Produce show contender anytime soon)
Where’s the mayonnaise????
It’s okay.
Susan found it for Jill.
Phew!
Ah, William McGonagall …
Seems Jill had the last say between Lynda’s poet, and Jazzer’s Clan Chief to open the Highland Games/Fayre.
She didn’t want to have to make the decision, but she did. And chose the Clan Chief.
Kenton’s still not convinced that Jazzer actually has a Clan Chief:
[Jazzer] “Are you repudiating my integrity, Kenton Archer?”
[Kenton] “Let me think about that … yes, I am!
[Jazzer] “Just remember, if I hadn’t stepped in, we’d be looking at Borsetshire's version of William McGonagall.”
Now – if you haven’t had the pleasure of William McGonagall’s poetry, here’s his most (in)famous poem:
The Tay Bridge Disaster
Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv’ry Tay!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That ninety lives have been taken away
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember’d for a very long time.
’Twas about seven o’clock at night,
And the wind it blew with all its might,
And the rain came pouring down,
And the dark clouds seem’d to frown,
And the Demon of the air seem’d to say-
“I’ll blow down the Bridge of Tay.”
When the train left Edinburgh
The passengers’ hearts were light and felt no sorrow,
But Boreas blew a terrific gale,
Which made their hearts for to quail,
And many of the passengers with fear did say-
“I hope God will send us safe across the Bridge of Tay.”
But when the train came near to Wormit Bay,
Boreas he did loud and angry bray,
And shook the central girders of the Bridge of Tay
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember’d for a very long time.
So the train sped on with all its might,
And Bonnie Dundee soon hove in sight,
And the passengers’ hearts felt light,
Thinking they would enjoy themselves on the New Year,
With their friends at home they lov’d most dear,
And wish them all a happy New Year.
So the train mov’d slowly along the Bridge of Tay,
Until it was about midway,
Then the central girders with a crash gave way,
And down went the train and passengers into the Tay!
The Storm Fiend did loudly bray,
Because ninety lives had been taken away,
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember’d for a very long time.
As soon as the catastrophe came to be known
The alarm from mouth to mouth was blown,
And the cry rang out all o’er the town,
Good Heavens! the Tay Bridge is blown down,
And a passenger train from Edinburgh,
Which fill’d all the peoples hearts with sorrow,
And made them for to turn pale,
Because none of the passengers were sav’d to tell the tale
How the disaster happen’d on the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember’d for a very long time.
It must have been an awful sight,(Poor William is universally known as the worst poet. Ever)
To witness in the dusky moonlight,
While the Storm Fiend did laugh, and angry did bray,
Along the Railway Bridge of the Silv’ry Tay,
Oh! ill-fated Bridge of the Silv’ry Tay,
I must now conclude my lay
By telling the world fearlessly without the least dismay,
That your central girders would not have given way,
At least many sensible men do say,
Had they been supported on each side with buttresses,
At least many sensible men confesses,
For the stronger we our houses do build,
The less chance we have of being killed.
Jazzer also has a go:
[Jazzer] “The am, the am, the glorious am, reciting these lines is just money for jam.”
Neil left a pig in his car
[Kenton] “You left a pig in the car?”
[Neil] “It’s one of Eddie’s. It’s sitting in the car with a rod in his hand.”
Ah.
It’s the gnome for George’s garden.
When Neil hands it over to George, Emma asks him what he should say:
[George] “Thank you god for my fishing pig, amen.”
Then George asks Emma to go to church with him.
[George] “You must have lots of prayers to say too.”
[Neil] “I think you might call that an own goal. I thought the garden was supposed to stop him being so devout, but now he’s got you going to church as well!”
Ah well.
It might teach Emma some patience, charity, forgiveness …
2 comments:
Ooh, it's years since I read any William McGonagall - thanks Inga! Although not Scottish I was lucky enough to be introduced to his work when still at school - I couldn't believe it!
I hadn't realised 'gnome' had become such a generic word :-)
I probably should not have posted all of McGonagall's most famous poem but, as you say, unless you went to a Scottish school, you'd have never heard the like!
What a guy ...
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