- The balaclava
- The fence
- The birdbath
- Bert Horrobin has a Mary Poppins bag
- A tin box, a jigsaw and a Christmas card
- Pickled cows
- A B&B in Liverpool
Joe, Bert Fry and Bert Horrobin are in The Bull, plotting to sneak into Bob Pullen's garden to try and discover the next part of his clue.
(it's a long story ... have a read of x if you haven't listened to earlier episodes of Ambridge Extra yet)
They're quite excited about their adventure.
[Bert F] "Like a crack team of clue finders. Like the SAS of cluefinders."
[Bert H] "How bout this ... the three musketeers."
[Bert F] "I don't think that's the right analogy."
Joe was a bit upset that Bert Fry had told Freda about their capers. But Bert felt it necessary, and didn't realise it was meant to be a secret.
And besides. Freda gave him a balaclava specially. Bert H is quite jealous of how warm it is, though he reckons it makes it hard to "suck a pint" while wearing it.
Joe's clever rouse for explaining why the three of them are poking about Bob's garden will be that:
[Bert F] "We are just bird spotting."
[Bert H] "For nocturnal birds."
When Jim happens by their table, he spots they're up to something:
[Jim] "What are you gentleman up to then? Planning a heist?"
[Joe] "Bert Fry was just showing us some of his latest knitwear."
And they tell him they're going birdwatching. For nocturnal birds ...
[Jim, amused] After all, those nocturnal birds won't watch themselves."
It's cold out.
[Bert F] "Reminds me of winter nights in my youth ... or was that yesterday?"
[Joe] "Only if you just woke up from a coma."
[Bert F] "You don't have a romantic bone in your body."
[Joe] "I got cold bones."
When they get to Bob's garden, they realise they'll have to scale a fence.
Bert F and Joe start arguing about who has to go first. Thankfully, just when I thought we'd end up with a broken hip, or a ripped pair of breeks, Bert H shows that he really isn't the idiot everyone takes him for.
He spots the gate.
This was all getting a tad Last of the Summer Wine ... especially when they tried to be silent:
[Bert H] "We'll be quite as mice."
[Joe, not about to hear him] "What!?!"
[Bert F, very loudly] "WE'LL BE AS QUIET AS MICE!"
(laugh ... I was almost in tears)
When they (finally) get into Bob's garden.
[Bert H] "Looks like, nothing. Just a birdbath."
Ah, Bert Fry reckons not. It's a very special birdbath indeed. Made out of marble. With beautiful carvings. Of coots.
[Bert F] "This is a fine birdbath, but to live forever ... I'm a birdbath man myself ... Oh Little Bird on flighted wing, how we love to hear you sing ... "
Just as Bert F is trying is trying to prove to Joe that there isn't a secret chamber under the birdbath as it can't be shifted, they hear someone nearby:
[Bert H, missing the point completely] "I'm nocturnal, and I'm looking for birds!"
Strangely enough, whoever it was carries on (either bemused or terrified by Bert's outburst). They then discover the birdbath can be moved, and there's something under it.
Bert Horrobin has a Mary Poppins bag
Earlier on, when they were a bit chilly, Bert H had a flask of warming liquid in his bag (sounded like booze rather than tea!).
When Bert F got his balaclava caught in a branch, Bert H had a penknife and a torch in his bag.
And when they needed to dig under the birdbath, Bert H had a shovel in his bag (one of those folding ones).
I want a bag liked Bert H.
A tin box, a jigsaw and a Christmas card
It's a tin box that's buried under the birdbath.
In it are some pieces of jigsaw (but not a full set) and a Christmas card.
When they do what there is of the jigsaw, it looks like a picture of an urn.
[Bert H] "Maybe he wants you to scatter his ashes."
[Joe] "Well, he'd only to ask."
Then there's the Christmas Card. On it is written:
"Let me pour forth my tears before they face, whilst I stay here, for thy face coins them and they stamp they bear, and by this vintage they are something worth"
Jim happens by to inform them it's John Dunne.
Unable to stay away from an "intellectual" mystery, Jim gets in the swing. He thinks the card shows St Paul's Cathedral. Of which John Dunne was Dean. So, Jim deduces, Bob wants Joe to scatter his ashes at St. Paul's.
In fact, Jim gets quite excited at the thought. They could make a day of it, do cultural things like the Tate.
[Joe]"They ain't still got those pickled cows ... I ain't standing in no queue to see cows, pickled or not."
A B&B in Liverpool
Before Jim can get too overtly excited, Bert H spots that the picture is actually of the Liverpool Anglican Cathedral.
Jim then spots a phone number on the back of the jigsaw. Starting 0151.
Jim dials it.
[Liverpudlian woman] "Joan's B&B"
In a fit of uncharacteristic stupidity, Jim then asks the woman where she is.
(um ... Liverpool Cathedral. 0151. Liverpool accent ...)
The woman also laughs at that question, and makes Jim guess where she is. His brain clicks back into gear, and he guesses right. Liverpool.
All they have to do is tell her what dates they want to stay.
[Joe]"Shouldn't we get Bob Pullen's Ashes first?"
Well, looks like the Ambridge equivalent of Last of the Summer Wine is off to Liverpool!