The Diamond Jubilee Beacon 04.06.12

The Archers Monday 4th June 2012

• There’s still plenty Jubilee cake
• Is Mike an amateur?
• The glamour of a burger van
• Brenda hates Vicky again
• Beacon to beacon
• David and Ruth still on high alert

There’s still plenty Jubilee cake

Not surprising, really. It was 60 sponges worth!


Is Mike an amateur?

It would seem so, when it comes to being married.

As he and Vicky are strawing up the Beacon (to make sure it starts up well), Vicky’s bemoaning that the local press were keen to take pictures of Alice in the Diamond Jubilee themed phone box. Vicky felt it should have been Susan or herself. They did all the hard work.

[Mike] “Young and pretty, ain’t she though, Alice”

[Vicky] “Charming!”

[Mike] “You know what I mean”

Doh!


The glamour of a burger van

[Brenda] “This must be about the highest gig Gourmet Burgers has ever done … think he sees it as a service to the village?”

But it wasn’t an entire loss. They took a fair bit of money. So at least Tom will be pleased.


Brenda hates Vicky again

It’s been a  while since Brenda has been negative about Vicky. I’d thought she’d even start to like her.

But no.

As Vicky is getting coffees from Brenda and Pip at the burger van, Vicky mentions that she can’t wait to retire when Mike does. And she’s hoping that will be soon.

[Brenda] But you can’t retire!”

[Vicky] “Course not, but I can stop”

[Brenda] “Dad’s been working for goodness knows how many years, but you’re still young.”

[Vicky] “That’s the point. We want to do things together while we can.”

[Brenda] “You do, you mean.”

(after Vicky leaves)

[Brenda] “Ugh, she can be so selfish that woman, it drives me mad.”

[Pip] “So I noticed!”

Later on, Mike went over to Brenda to say goodbye. He and Vicky were leaving as she was so tired.

[Brenda] “Oh that is so typical, sitting in the car waiting to be taken home … it’s all about her, what about dads? He looks so done in sometimes, she might try thinking about him for a change”

So it’s Brenda Vs Vicky game on, again.


Beacon to beacon

When the Beacon is lit, David reckons it’ll be seen in the Cotswolds, and even as far as the Welsh Border.

Ben also spots that they can see the Beacon in Gilbert’s Crossway.

[David] “You never know, they might be waving too.”

That must have been a magical sight.


David and Ruth still on high alert

Josh definitely knows something’s up.  He was asking David again about why they needed the security cameras. David answered that it’s just a precaution.

[Josh] “In case someone gets beaten up in our yard?”

Josh is thinking it’s because of David finding Adam when he’d been attacked.

When they get home after the Beacon, David checks the cameras. Nothing on there apart from Ben doing a wee dance in front of it.

[David] “All quiet.”

[Ruth] “Long may it last”

[David] “Everything going to be fine. You’ll see.”

Huh.

We all know the exact opposite will be true once an Ambridge resident says something like that.

The Diamond Jubilee 03.06.12

The Archers Sunday 3rd June 2012

• Clarrie and the Cake team
• It’s raining
• Joe had a free pint for the Coronation
• Bob Pullen isn’t wearing a suit
• “Icing against the clock”
• The maypole was a success
• Bob and Joe both have their moment

Clarrie and the Cake team

[Clarrie] “Look at this one … honestly, make you wanna cry. Didn’t we make it clear enough in the guidelines … not for Elaine Brooks, obviously! … And what about the round ones?”

I have no idea what Elaine Brooks did to her sponge, but it certainly wasn’t on spec.

Clarrie’s flapping, but she has a very calm Nic by her side. Who made suggestions like they can simply square off the round sponges … (!).

[Clarrie] “Eddie suggested we use a builder’s trowel … I think he were being rude about my butter icing”

Just as Clarrie was starting to panic (again), the ever dependable Jill comes in, gets a pinny on, and gets stuck in.

Jill also made a monumental save when Clarrie bemoaned that they were four cakes short of 60. That 60 obviously being a key number of cakes. Jill just happened to have baked an extra half dozen!

[Clarrie] “Oh Jill, I could kiss you!”

It’s raining

But that doesn’t dampen anyone’s spirits. That wouldn’t be very British.


Joe had a free pint for the Coronation

And tried his luck on Rhys for the Jubilee.

Not a chance. Rhys was more interested in tempting Joe into a Jubilee themed cocktail. Joe was not impressed:

[Joe] “I raised a pint of shires on Coronation day. And I’m very happy to do so on the jubilee too”

Joe recalls that for the Coronation, they watched in it on a 10” Ferguson telly “Mrs P” owned, but sited in Walter Gabriel’s sitting room (Mrs P, Mrs Perkins, was Peggy’s mum. For whatever bizarre reason, she was somewhat attracted to Walter). The telly wasn’t up to much:

[Joe] “Looked like her Majesty’s coach was passing through a snow storm … she ain’t done a bad job over these 60 years, I must say.”

I’m sure the Queen would be delighted to hear that.


Bob Pullen isn’t wearing a suit

But Joe is. And it sounded like Bob was in The Bull for quite a few hours before Joe …

[Joe] “Some folks round here look like they’re on a day out in Blackpool.”

“Icing against the clock”

30 minutes, in fact. The pressure is really on Clarrie, Nic and Jill.

Lynda had been harassing the cake team to get it finished in time, but when she went to check at the final minute:

[Lynda] “Oh, my word, it lovely. How on earth did you …?”

[Jill] “On a wing and a prayer!”

[Nic] “I don’t know why, but it feels like we should have someone playing the bagpipes”

Though it sounded like they had a wee wobble, they did manage to carry it out safely to the centre of the Jubilee celebrations.

That must have been some sight – 60 cakes made into one, with icing and lovely piping by Clarrie (not of the bagpipe variety!).


The maypole was a success

Well done Lynda, and the village kids.

[Ruth] “The whole thing was a triumph, despite the weather.”

Though they had to move the maypole (due to flooding?), Brad behaved himself.

[Ruth] “I heard about his little friend”

[Lynda] “Fortunately he didn’t put an appearance in today.”

(they’re referring to Brad’s rat, just in case you’re thinking anything appropriate was a foot)


Bob and Joe both have their moment

Bob was momentarily late for the cake cutting (which got Joe excited). When he did arrive, he had to be helped by Rhys (Joe was despondent). Bob had spent one moment to many in the pub …

[Lynda] “Three cheers for her majesty. And on this special occasion, I’d like to ask Mr Joe Grundy to lead us …”

[Clarrie] “Oh, well done Lynda!”

[David, getting a bit sentimental] “All this, the whole village together”

[Ruth] “Look at Joe, chuffed to bits.”

[Joe] “All I can say is, thank you very much ma’am, you do us proud!”

Cake, pub and maypoles. I think Ambridge did us proud too.

Clarrie’s losing sleep because of that cake 01.06.12

The Archers Friday 1st June 2012

• How did Spearmint get bruised?
• Alice has her reasons
• The cake isn’t a team effort
• Imprisoned at Brookfield
• Hercules is a Houdini
• The Ambridge Beast is camera shy

How did Spearmint get bruised?

[Chris] “He might have seen Lynda’s beast and bolted.”

Seems Spearmint, Alice’s horse, has been bruised for a few days, but Alice hadn’t seen it.

Hurt horse, I always think of Clive …


Alice has her reasons

Chris is getting rather fed up with Alice.

As well as having to suffer Amy constantly being round their house, Amy is also all Alice talks about. And he was most unamused that Alice seemed to be hinting Amy should move in with them … she got an outright “no”.

[Chris] “She just needs to get over it. Even if he told her face to face that he had a wife, she still wouldn’t believe it.”

So, Alice decides to turn detective. She’s going to find the proof that Carl is married, so that Amy can move on (shut up and start behaving like an adult again!).

[Alice] “All this stuff about Carl, it’s taken me right back to dad … all those people just torn to pieces. I can’t help mum, but I can help Amy … if I can prove what Carl’s like, maybe she’ll walk away from it all.”

Chris thinks Alice getting so involved will just make matters worse, but Alice is on a mission.


The cake isn’t a team effort

Clarrie’s furious.

As she’s on her way to do the Church flowers, Jennifer calls to say she can’t bring her any sponges.

Clarrie bumps into Ruth. Ruth also won’t be doing any sponges.

[Clarrie] “I’m a busy woman too … I mean, how long does it take to throw a sponge together? And she’s left it til now to tell me.”

It gets worse. Joe tells Clarrie that Jean Harvey also called. She’s going away for the weekend.

[Clarrie] “What, so no sponge!?!”

Joe also tells Clarrie that Sabrina Thwaite called … but only to check if she should use saffron to make the sponge yellow.

[Joe] “Well, I’m sick of it, every time I pick up the phone it’s somebody asking about that darn cake, and every time it’s a thorn in my side …”

[Clarrie] “I wake up nights in a sweat worrying about it … all you can do is whinge on about Bob Pullen cutting it.”

Later on, Joe finds his sympathetic side, and actually offers to lay the table for Clarrie! She apologises to him for snapping.

[Joe] “Well it only comes round once every 60 years.”

Clarrie’s beyond stressed about the cake as she sees it as the centre piece of the Jubilee celebrations. If it isn’t perfect, she’ll have failed in front of the whole village. And as for Joe complaining about Bob Pullen being chosen to cut the cake because he’s older:

[Clarrie] “Well Joe, it was only an accident of birth … you be generous, eh. You let him have his moment in the sun.”

Imprisoned at Brookfield

David’s memorising the licence plate of every car that comes near Brookfield.

Josh is moody. He knows something isn’t right.

And both David and Ruth are keeping their kids on short leads.

[David] “Short of tagging them, what can we do?”

[Ruth] “They’re not prisoners; they should be free to enjoy themselves.”

But what’s the alternative?


Hercules is a Houdini

[Clarrie] “You hang onto him Joe. I don’t want no ferrets on me ironing.”

The Ambridge Beast is camera shy

[Joe] “Edward says that beardy from the Wildlife Trust … him and young Kirsty set up cameras in the woods to try and spot it … it comes on automatic when something comes by … I still reckon it’ll be a hog.”

[Clarrie] “Well it won’t be a panther.”

Harry returns to place the crown 31.05.12

The Archers Thursday 31st May 2012

• Harry’s back
• Up a ladder
• Blokes’ chat
• Pip’s no a girl to be on film
• It’ll take a lot of wood to build that Beacon
• Vicky really does want to retire
• Silver Jubilee memories
• Lost to Darrington

Harry’s back

Phew! He had me worried there. He hadn’t been anywhere, just ever so silent for so long.


Up a ladder

Harry’s only been back a few seconds, and Vicky already has him in a position where she can admire his bum!

She asks him to go up a ladder to fix a crown she’s made onto the top of the phone box.

[Clarrie] “Clever eh, padded radiator foil stuck on card”

[Harry] “Yeah very, eh, innovative”

When Harry makes a suggestion to improve the crown:

[Vicky] “Oh, you’re not just a buff pair of cycle shorts, are you?”

Blokes’ chat

[Spencer] “Alright mate”

[Harry] “Oh, hi Spencer”

[Spencer] “What you doing?”

[Harry] “Isn’t it obvious?”

[Spencer] “Well, no”

[Harry] “Making a crown for the phone box”

[Spencer] “I think you want to get out more mate”

[Harry] “Hmm, you’re not wrong”

Pip’s no a girl to be on film

[Pip] “Oh dad, you said you’d never do this … you hate them!”

[David] “Well, needs must”

[Pip] “I don’t; want to live in a prison. But why, dad?”

[David] “Times changes”

[Pip] “What next, a ten foot security fence … it’s so creepy  ... it’s bad enough being spied upon in town, but I live here”

When David, Josh and Ben are looking at the camera – trying to work out who someone is that’s just come onto the Farm. David sounds panicky, but it’s just Spencer:

[Ben] “No it’s not; it’s the beast of Haydn wood!”

Pip later says to Spencer that she knows something’s afoot that David and Ruth aren’t telling her. She knows it’s something to do with Adam, but thinks it more about David having also found Nigel. Sounds like she thinks he’s lost the plot.

I thought David and Ruth had decided to tell Pip as she’s the most at risk?


It’ll take a lot of wood to build that Beacon
Two sessions, Mike reckons.


Vicky really does want to retire

Which is fair enough.

She and Mike are having a wee time out on Lakey Hill.

[Mike] “It's good to have the time to stop and stare”

[Vicky] “We don’t have enough down time together, do we”

Hint hint …

Vicky says she’s looking forward to Mike retiring. And wonders if Harry would want to buy into the bottling plant.

[Mike] “It’ll be nice to have a bit of time for me”

[Vicky] “Us. We’ll have a fantastic time together”

Ah – but that’s where there could be trouble. Mike sees his retirement being in front of a flat screen TV. Vicky wants to dance, go in for competitions, do Zumba …

[Mike] “Well the over 60s put on some nice coach trips …”

[Vicky, ignoring Mike’s mention of bus trips] “There’s an extra’s agency opened up in Felpersham, we could be on telly”

Vicky sees television competitions. Win big, And jet off to Dubai.

Mike sounds like he just wants his slippers!

[Vicky] “Oh, we’ve got so much to look forward to”

[Mike] “Spending time with the grandkids”

[Vicky] “Oh, I hope that won’t mean less time for me, Mr Bubbles”

[Mike] “Oh never, Mrs Bubbles”

Silver Jubilee memories

[Vicky] “Rowena Ballam pelted me with jelly at our street party”

And Mike lit the Beacon at the very spot they’re now sitting on.


Lost to Darrington

Did the Ambridge cricket team. Though Harry reckons they at least gave them a fright. Probably just with how bad they are …

[Harry] “We should be proud of ourselves. Ifty calls us a work in progress”

Adam’s been thinking 30.05.12

The Archers Wednesday 20th May 2012

• Elona hopes Lynda gets her 60 sponges
• The Queen is deemed a good ‘un
• A new supermarket!
• Jim and Christine still estranged
• Adam’s in a reflective mood
• Lilian sorts the wages
• Kenton and Jolene New Zealand bound?
• Two years since Sid
• Peggy still gets (junk) mail at Grey Gables
• Kenton’s new cocktails
• Jolene’s an ardent ex-smoker

Elona hopes Lynda gets her 60 sponges

[Lilian] “Or she’ll be a few sponges short of a jubilee!”


The Queen is deemed a good ‘un

[Elona] “She’s a marvellous woman”

[Lilian] “Well, she’s lived the good life”

[Peggy] “And worked very hard, Lilian!”

During the war:

[Peggy] “I was only a lowly stores orderly; while she got to drive a jeep … I could have fancied to learn to drive in a convoy”

A new supermarket!

And no one seems to give a hoot. Odd.

It’s on the site of the old mart, so I suppose it was a done deal. Lynda (and her like) must be too busy with Jubilees, Britain in Bloom, and a Super Dairy on the way …


Jim and Christine still estranged

[Peggy] “Oh, have you heard, Jim and Christine have fallen out. Did you know he was an anarchist and a republican?”

But I though Jim was a Royalist. Wasn’t he quite excited and supportive about Camilla’s visit?


Adam’s in a reflective mood

Not working, at home recuperating, Adam’s got time the time to ponder.

He’s been reading his dairies from when he was travelling through Senegal. Some of it’s quite poetic. Some of it isn’t.

[Ian, reading the diary aloud] “Stubbed my big toe on a fence post, swore like a docker”

[Adam] “It’s like I’m reading about someone else”

[Ian] “All very different from an English Country Garden”

(Adam sighed at that)

When Adam later went out for hack with Lilian, he told her he’d phoned his mate Vince, with whom who’d been in Kenya. Vince is just about to go to Malawi to do some charity work, helping to fit fuel efficient cooking stoves.

[Adam] “It’s made me nostalgic … for my younger self. I sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t have stayed”

[Lilian] “But then you would have met Ian. And he’s worth a thousand fuel efficient cooking stoves”

[Adam] “He’s the one bright spot at the moment … what do I do that makes any impact at all … I’m a cog in a corporate machine .. it’s not why I wanted to be a farmer”

[Lilian] “Everyone needs food, and you produce it … don’t sell yourself short”

When Lilian later has a wine with Ian, she tells him Adam is brooding. And needs taking out of himself.


Lilian sorts the wages

Lilian checked with Elona to see how Matt paid Darrell. It was cash. Again.

Lilian then later phones Elona to tell her it’s all sorted. She claims she took the “thumb screws” to Matt, and Darrell will be on formal wages by the end of the week.

Wonder if Matt knows?


Kenton and Jolene New Zealand bound?
Meriel has emailed Kenton a new photo:

[Kenton] “Suddenly she doesn’t look like a tiddler anymore”

(Meriel’s 11)

Kenton wants Jolene to meet Meriel – Jolene wants Kenton to meet little Sidney.

But, Jolene can’t see how they can afford to go.

[Jolene] “Let’s park it for now”

Ha! Knowing Kenton, he’ll buy the tickets and have Jolene off to New Zealand in a matter of weeks.


Two years since Sid

On the mention of Sid’s grandson Sidney:

[Jolene] “It’s almost two years now. I can hardly believe it”

Peggy still gets (junk) mail at Grey Gables

Must be a very long age such Peggy stopped working there.


Kenton’s new cocktails

Include a Presidential Pick Me Up and:

[Kenton] “Can I interest you in our republican cocktail or you the man for our royal flush?”

Ian declines. Wine is just fine.

 
Jolene’s an ardent ex-smoker

[Jolene] “I wish people wouldn’t stub their fags out in the tubs. Filthy habit”

[Lilian] “Time was, darling”

[Jolene] “One day you’ll see the light an all”

I very much doubt that. How can Fagash Lil by Fagash Lil without the fags?

Lynda offended by yellow 29.05.12

The Archers Tuesday 29th May 2012

• Susan and Vicky talk Jubilee
• The kids practice for the Jubilee
• Maypole abused by Alf Grundy
• Vicky wants to retire?
• Amy thinks Carl wasn’t married
• Alice bakes a cake
• It’s Lynda’s birthday
• The horror!

Susan and Vicky talk Jubilee

They seem to be cutting out pictures of The Queen as they’re working in the village shop:

[Vicky] “I can’t help thinking we’re missing a golden opportunity to put the phone box on the map”

[Susan] “A diamond opportunity!”

[Vicky] “My great aunt Nellie had a Welsh corgi, it used to sleep on the bed … Hey, how about we wrap it in Clingfilm, like that artist?””

[Susan] “It’s not a packed lunch Vicky, and how would people get in and out?”

[Vicky] “I’m just thinking outside the box”

[Susan] “We can use some of the decorations we used when Camilla visited”

[Vicky] “Oh come on, we want more pizazz than that!”

Ah bless them and their idle chatter.


The kids practice for the Jubilee

[Vicky] “That tunes getting on my wick”

Vicky is not amused by Lynda and the Village kids (not people, mind) constantly practising their Jubilee maypole dancing. Mainly because they’re doing so on the village green, which the village shops faces onto. As it’s too hot to close their door, Vicky has to suffer hearing their maypole music over and over and over …

Lynda also doesn’t seem to be having much luck with the kids getting any better.

[Lynda] “Lift your knees everyone, I want skippity skip, not clumpty clump … what an unfit bunch …”

Seems that Tracey’s Brad is causing particular mayhem:

[Lynda] “Brad, he’s an anarchist … if he frightens Molly Button with his rat again on Sunday, he’s not getting his jubilee commemoration mug”

Brad will be devastated, I’m sure. Lynda tells us that she still treasurers her Coronation mug. In has “pride of place in our downstairs loo”.


Maypole abused by Alf Grundy

[Susan] “Alf Grundy set light when he was young, apparently. Went up like a giant cigar, Eddie said”

Vicky wants to retire?

What’s Vicky most looking forward to during the Jubilee?

[Vicky] “The best thing is having such a long time off work”

She then later mentioned that she was finding the drive to and from Felpersham twice a week for work a bit if a frustration. She reckons it “upsets her rhythm”.

Sounds like someone does want to work anymore …


Amy thinks Carl wasn’t married

Amy’s on about Usha to Alice yet again. But is at least now looking at flats in Felpersham. Alongside ending the constant bickering, it’s also time Amy moved up and out.

Amy is also starting to question whether Usha was right about Carl. She thinks that Alan brought her up to be a good judge of character.

[Amy] “The more I think about it, I've been given second hand information. I don’t think he’s married at all”

Ach, that girl is just silly.

[Amy] “It may be a marriage of convenience … they must have fallen out of love for hi, to behave the way he did for me ... maybe he stayed out of loyalty, or just for show …what do you think?”

[Alice] “I think I don’t want you hurt”

She thinks Usha has an agenda. Though what Usha would gain from Amy going out with a married man is anyone’s guess.


Alice bakes a cake

For Brian and Jennifer’s 36th wedding anniversary.

[Alice] “Mum and dad have been through some dodgy times but hey, they belong together”

And she’ll be making one of the sponges for the giant WI jubilee cake.


It’s Lynda’s birthday

She got a new straw hat. Robert’s taking her out for a meal. And Christine invites her round for tea and a scone.


The horror!

Lynda’s pleasantly surprised by the effort Adam and Ian have made with their garden for Britain in Bloom.

[Lynda] “Oh they’ve done spectacularly well to create a cottage garden from a  standing start.”

[Christine] “Curtosey of the garden centre … Adam found it very therapeutic”

Lynda I also very impressed by Jim’s experiment – he’s grown vegetables in with his plants (chard, beetroot, and globe artichokes to be exact).

Then, Lynda, Christine and Jim walk up to No. 8 Glebeland.

[Lynda] “How could they possibly do such a thing … yellow!”

[Christine] “A whole garden thrugh of them”

[Lynda] “This is appalling, They’ve driven a coach and horses through the red white and blue motif”

[Christine] “I don’t know who lives here … I think they’re commuters … do you think they’re republicans … really Jim, I don’t think you realised just how upset she as going to be”

[Jim] “Plating yellow flowers is hardly a capital offense … Britain has a fine tradition of disobedience. It keeps our democracy alive, my dear”

[Christine] “Don’t you ‘my dear’ me. I’d rather have the queen as head of state any date over some sleazy politician!”

[Jim] “A democratically elected sleazy politician …”

[Christine] “I think I’ll head back. I don’t like to miss the news”

[Jim] “Oops …”

The sausage game 28.05.12

The Archers Monday 28th May 2012

• Pip’ll be serving burgers at the Beacon
• Darrington won
• Usha shouts at Amy
• Tony’s made sandwiches
• Ruth has a panic button
• Tony’s hired an aging rocker called Trevor
• What’s wrong with a Vintage Sunbeam?
• The sausage game

Pip’ll be serving burgers at the Beacon

Well, that’s one way to celebrate the Jubilee, I suppose. Though, as Pip points out, she does get paid for being at something she would have gone to anyway.


Darrington won
Seems Ambridge got a “respectable” 180, but they were “chasing” 214.

From the way David told it, I assume that’s particularly bad?


Usha shouts at Amy

It’s about time!

Amy wanted to put something into the wash. Usha already had something in, but offered to out Amy’s on after. Amy says no, and wants to tale her clothes back.

[Usha] “Oh Amy, that’s ridiculous”

[Amy] “I don’t need you to do my washing, okay!”

[Usha, losing patience] “Right how long are you going to keep this up?”

Usha tells Amy that she’s the one tearing Alan apart. He builds the bridge, she smashes them down. Usha was especially angry about the effort Alan went to the other night when he cooked Amy’s favourite curry (a recipe of Mabel’s). Amy claims she did have some:

[Usha] “Yeah, skulking round the kitchen when we were gone, like a teenager”

[Amy] “He didn’t say you’d be there …”

[Usha] “I’M HIS WIFE, WHERE ELSE WOULD I BE? I LIVE HERE. He went to so much trouble ... poor Alan”

[Amy] “You've always had your own agenda, all that I'm your stepmother stuff, it was always a sham”

[Usha] “You don’t really believe that”

[Amy] “Don't I?”

Och Amy – go boil yer heid!


Tony’s made sandwiches

[Tom] “Oh, blimey!”

Tony making lunch is not a common occurrence.

And we find out why – he’s made a beef and avocado, plus brie and mushroom.

Odd. Tom chooses the brie and mushroom, but then wants to put ketchup on it.

Ach, pick the mushroom out ya fussy lad!


Ruth has a panic button

And now even locks the door behind her.

Pondering how they will run Open Farm Sunday while being on such high alert. Their only answer is to keep everything locked, and make the tour shorter.

Cancel it would be safer, surely?


Tony’s hired an aging rocker called Trevor

Tony’s on fire today!

First the sandwiches, now he’s actually hired in someone to help with the milking.

It’s a bloke called Trevor. Who is in a band. But is “no spring chicken” (according to Pat, who hasn’t met him yet).

Trevor will work 5 days a week, 1 weekend a month, covering the afternoon milking. Trevor used to have his own herd and though he doesn’t miss the morning milking, he’s looking forward to working again (him and his wife also need the cash).

[Tom] “An old rocker, keeping his hand in eh. I bet he's got a ponytail!”

Tony’s seemingly most pleased with himself.


What’s wrong with a Vintage Sunbeam?

Trevor owns one, which made Tom groan.

Worried about Trevor and Tony spending hours just gazing at it?


The sausage game

[Ben] “Mum, dad can we play sausages?”

They said yes. Here it is:

[Ben] “Mum, what did you brush your teeth with today?”

[Ruth] “Sausages”

[Ben] “Pip, what does Spencer wear on his feet?”

[Pip] “Sausages”

[Ben] “Dad, what do you cut your hair with?”

[David, laughing] “Sausages”

Aha – David lost! You’re not supposed to laugh.

His forfeit (set by Ben) was to get under the table - then bark like a dog.

Though Ruth had the last word:

[Ruth] “What's Tom's only topic of conversation?”

All together now … Sausages!

Mr Penguin leaves Ambridge 17.05.12

The Archers Thursday 17th May 2012

• The Ambridge Beast is grubbing Ed’s pastures?
• Joe’s not the eldest elder statesman
• Answers do come in Church
• Bye bye, Mr Penguin

The Ambridge Beast is grubbing Ed’s pastures?

[Joe] “So George believes in Lynda Snells' monster then, does he?”

[Ed] “Yeah, along with the tooth fairy and the troll under the bride ... he's been drawing picture, running around growling, scaring Keira”

[Joe] “You’re supposed to have a fertile imagination at that age. Can't the same for the Snell woman ... she's off her rocker”

Ed then gets distracted. He can see his pasture has been grubbed again.

Joe reckons it could be a pig (as Ed reckons). Though he’s also guessing it could be a wild boar. Or even the Ambridge beast.

[Joe] “Ring your brother. he might have seen summit”

Ed’s (understandably) not keen to call Will. But, he is the chap to talk to about what might be wandering about the estate. So he does. But Will hasn’t seen anything.

[Joe] “It could still be wild boar then. You ants to be careful Ed, they can be vicious animals. Remember when your dad was attacked?”

[Ed] “Yeah, so he says”

[Joe] “What, don’t you believe him? Hey Clarrie, you tell the lad, Eddie was attacked by a wild boar?”

[Clarrie] “Oh,. I remember summit. You know Eddie though”

[Ed] “Well, whatever it was, it's wrecking my pasture” 

[Ed] “I'll keep my eye out for the rampaging boars”

Joe’s not the eldest elder statesman

Joe’s heard that Lynda needs someone to cut the giant jubilee cake.

[Joe] “An elder statesman. Who do you reckon that sounds like then?”

[Ed] “I don’t know, Oliver?”

[Joe] “I was walking the fields round here when the Queen’s grandfather was on the throne. I’ve been dropping a few hints to Clarrie, subtle like ...”

As Clarrie talks Nic through baking some of the sponges for the giant cake:

[Nic] “I can just see me turning up with some burnt stodgy brick thing”

Clarrie talks about how “subtle” Joe’s been:

[Clarrie] “He ain't stopped banging on. You’d think he was getting knighted or something”

Later on:

[Clarrie, back from the village shop] “Now Joe, I've got some bad new I’m afraid”

[Joe] “What do say that ain’t got no humbugs”

[Clarrie] “Mr Pullen's going to do it”

[Joe] “WHAT! Pullen!”

[Clarrie] “Well he is the oldest person in the village. He's 96”

(did Clarrie say 96? I though Bob was 99)

[Joe] “I thought they wanted elder not eldest. I thought they was looking for someone dignified, with a bit of gravitas ... what happens if he gets caught short ... decisions made behind closed doors”

[Clarrie] “It's the women's institute!”

[Joe] “Exactly, a discriminatory organisation”

Joe thinks all the ‘elder’ names should have gone into a hat for a fair, random draw.

Though I suspect he still would have claimed foul play if he still hadn’t won.


Answers do come in Church

Usha interrupts Alan as he’s praying in Church. She makes him sit down with her. And asks him to stop being angry with her.

[Usha] “I understand why you;re upset, but you can't keep taking it out on me ... I’m not the enemy here, but at the moment it's two against one”

[Alan] “I don’t know hat you expect me to do. I’m trying to pick up the pieces. Amy's the one who's been hurt here, don’t blame me for the way she feels about you”

[Usha] “Well don’t blame me either Alan. I've said I’m sorry. I’ve admitted I handled things badly … It's been really hurtful, but I don’t think you’ve even noticed ... in your heart, you think she's right. You don't kiss me good night anymore”

[Alan] “I didn’t realise. I haven't been thinking. I suppose I’ve been so engrossed with Amy, it’s so hard to see her going through this, she's my little girl, all I want to do is take that pain away … I’m angry, but I should have taken it out on you”

[Usha] “I just want us to deal with it together. I ;love you Alan, and I love Amy,. Please don’t shut me out”

Later on, as they leave the Church, they sound reconciled and relaxed with each other.

[Alan] “Some vicar I am. I’m meat to be giving marriage classes tonight. I don’t feel very qualified right now”

[Usha] “I know she's heartbroken, but it goes deeper than that. It's about her mum?”

Alan reckons so. Amy really has no-one to trust but Alan.

Where does that leave Usha? On the outside.


Bye bye, Mr Penguin

Nic has been doing some clearing out, taking the unwanted and unused to the charity shop.

Mia wants to help.

[Mia] “It's to go in the bags. For the poor people”

Mia puts in some books, and Mr Penguin.

[Mia] “I know, but I don’t need him anymore. I’m a big girl now … Bye bye Mr penguin”

Nic sounded quite upset. Her wee girl must be growing up.

Hope Mr Penguin finds another nice little young ‘un to spend retirement with.

Lynda goes on a Bloomin’ rampage 15.05.12

The Archers Tuesday 15th May 2012

• Poly tunnels excite Tom
• The pig arks need moved … again!
• Adam and Jennifer give Darrell their thumbs up
• Prison or the mother of your victim?
• Don’t worry about the farm
• Lynda is doing odd things in the cemetery
• Grubbed pasture
• Harry didn’t get his shirt off
• An elder statesman or stateswoman required
• Lynda’s badly misbehaving
• Elona’s definitely an honest ‘un

Poly tunnels excite Tom

[Tom] “It’s arrived!”

[Jazzer] “My delivery for the playboy mansion? … aye, I saw the grin on your face. Only you could look that excited about a ploy tunnel”

The pig arks need moved … again!

Really – anyone know if pig arks need moved every other week?

It seems to be the only thing Tom ever tells Jazzer to do.

Jazzer’s none too happy about having to do it today. Tom suspects he has a hangover, but Jazzer reckons it’s just because he’s been up early doing the mil round (surely he does that most days?).


Adam and Jennifer give Darrell their thumbs up

[Darrell] “Takes more than a whack over the head to see this one, eh!”

Adam is out having a slow wander with Jennifer, stopping to have a chat with his near neighbour Darrell.

Adam reckons he’s sweet, Jennifer that he seems like a good chap.

Wonder if Jennifer would still think that if she knew he had a record …


Prison or the mother of your victim?

I reckon most would choose prison every time. Especially when that mother happens to be Jennifer Aldridge.

The nasty blokes who attacked Adam are on remand. They’ll face a court trial fairly soon.

[Jennifer] “Well, when they get one, I hope they throw away the key!”

[Adam] “Perhaps we should set you on them mum, then they’ll get what they deserve”

Don’t worry about the farm

Is what Brian and Jennifer keep telling Adam – but they’re the ones who keep mentioning it,

Seems the bloke who’s been hired to help I settling in well. Two of the deer have had calves, and the herd’s ear tagging is going well.


Lynda is doing odd things in the cemetery

Really, is there anything Lynda could do that would surprise us?

She’s been gathering broken eggshells. The broken eggshells mean the peregrines’ eggs are hatching. Lynda’s trying to work out how many chicks they have from the shells.

Well, that’s reasonable enough, I’d say.


Grubbed pasture

[Tom] “Ed had his pasture grubbed up, he thought one of the pigs might have escaped”

But no, all of Tom’s pigs are present and correct.

What could be doing that then? The Ambridge Beast …?


Harry didn’t get his shirt off

What a horrid man he is! Sabrina’s been on heat for months and months … all for nothing.

[Jazzer] “Did I tell ye, about Harry and Sabrina Thwaite? He did his lady Chatterley act for her … on her flower beds, for the promises auction, made sure his husband was away … not that she got her money’s worth, he kept his shirt on, mair fool him”

Poor Sabrina.

Though a good day for her husband Richard, I’d say.

(and again, why isn’t Harry speaking at the moment? Not like him to leave Jazzer to tell his business)


An elder statesman or stateswoman required

To cut the giant cake at the Jubilee.

Apply to Lynda Snell.


Lynda’s badly misbehaving

Lynda had earlier tried to corner Adam, but he and Jennifer had pleaded that he was tired and needed rest.

So, Lynda later went round his house. She didn’t take the hint, then.

He tells her again that he’s tired. But she’s not listening.

[Lynda] “Have you any plans for your front garden? … do you think you might spruce up? … It needn’t be too taxing. And gardening can be wonderfully therapeutic”

We didn’t get to hear Adam’s reply …

Next, we can hear Lynda and Tom having a rather loud and terse discussion, while we’re actually over at Elona and Darrell’s eavesdropping on their conversation.

[Lynda] “You see, I’m only referring to the parts of your garden that face the Green”

Lynda points out that The Bull and the Village shop will be perfect. Tom points out that they’re businesses. She then points out that Christine and Jim will also be perfect. Tom points out that they’re retired. He and Brenda work, and work all hours.

(well, Tom does. I’m sure Brenda could spare a few hours after she’s done making Matt and Lilian’s coffee)

[Lynda] “Even Adam’s agreed. Yes Tom. Even Adam. And I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be the one to spoilt it”

Tom tries to use Tony’s heart attack as an excuse (actually, it’s a fair one. Tom has to work extra to allow Tony to ease himself back into work gently).

[Lynda] “Maybe you should think of it as time to relax!”

Relax? Tom reckons he barely has time to breathe.

They’ve hit an impasse – until Darrell and Elona pop over. I thought they were about to complain about the noise, but they’re over to offer to do Tom and Brenda’s garden for them. Seems Elona has green fingers (but she also has at least 2 jobs … the busier helping the busy, it would seem).

[Lynda] “That’s what Britain in Bloom ought to be about, people pulling together to help one another, even when they’re still relatively new to the community. Upstanding citizens”

That’s the third resident to give Darrell and Elona their okay today. This must be heading to a great reveal of Darrell’s past.


Elona’s definitely an honest ‘un

Darrell’s chuffed that Matt is going to give him some regular work, 2 or 3 days a week at least.

Elona’s not so chuffed. Though they need the work, she’s not happy that Matt only pays Darrell cash in hand. She wants Darrell to talk to Matt about it, to make it a proper arrangement.

[Darrell] “I can’t. It’s none of my business”

Lynda gets squiffy 14.05.12

The Archers Monday 14th May 2012

• The recession finally hits Elizabeth?
• Racing insect larvae
• Ambridge lost (badly) to Waterly Cross
• A lethal cocktail
• The Fields in Trust have visited
• Roy doesn’t seem keen to leave for home
• Lynda’s on a Britain in Bloom mission

The recession finally hits Elizabeth?

Seems business isn’t blooming at Lower Loxley.

[Jill] “Well at least people are still getting married. Don’t worry darling, I’m sure business will pick up”

Racing insect larvae

The Village Fete committee convenes

It was tonight, at The Bull. With Kenton also on the committee, alongside the usual suspects, to help with the games. Obviously, they play an important part this year because of the Olympics.

[Kenton] “London better watch. After I’m finished, the Ambridge Fete will be THE festival of sport”

As Kenton outlines his plans:

[Lynda] “Kenton, you’re not serious, a caterpillar race!”

[Kenton] “Absolutely”

[Lynda] “So, in addition to hurling boots around …”

[Kenton] “Ah, competitive well wanging”

[Lynda] “And bouncing about on space hoppers”

[Jill] “The children would love that!”

[Lynda] “You’re now saying we should descend to the level of racing insect larvae”

[Kenton] “No, we’re not going to actually race caterpillars Lynda. We tie people into sleeping bags, and they wriggle along the ground as if they were caterpillars”

[Lynda] “Oh, for goodness sake!”

[Jill, who is obviously in a good mood] “I think it sounds rather fun”

[Lynda] “Look, I can abide the tug of war, at least it was an Olympic sport, but please everyone, can we not aspire to something more elevated, such as my idea for a celebration of art, poetry and prose”

[Jill] “Kenton’s ideas would have a wider appeal”

They ask Usha (who is in the room, but very quiet. Only Jill seemed to notice, later remarking “Did Usha seem okay to you?”) about what she’d prefer:

[Lynda] “The imaginative output of the children of the village, beautifully displayed in the village hall”

[Kenton] “Or an adrenalin pumped battle between human caterpillars!”

Usha goes with caterpillars.

[Lynda] “What about those people who don’t like sport. We’re going to have so much of it this summer, we can’t all be athletes can we, I’m thinking particularly of the youngsters now … I genuinely believe this elitist culture of competition can be extremely corrosive (sniff) I still have very painful memories of being ostracised at school because I wasn’t good at hockey. And these things leave scars”

[Kenton] “Yeah, on your shins maybe”

[Lynda] “Oh you can mock Kenton”

[Kenton] “I don’t think anyone’s going to be ostracised because they fall off their space hopper!”

It seems Lynda had her sports kit hidden at school, and, by the sounds of it, hasn’t got over it.

Jill suggests that they could have awards for stuff other than winning. Best sportsman like behaviour, and such.

[Kenton, sarcastically] “Sportsperson like, please”

[Jill, reminding him who’s mum] “Kenton!”

And with that, they all agree on Kenton’s rather than Lynda’s ideas.

[Lynda] “Left on the sidelines again …”

(oh good lord – was Lynda also the last picked for every game? No wonder she’s bitter).


Ambridge lost (badly) to Waterly Cross

The cricket team really does seem to be suffering minus Adam (due to injury), and the permanent loss of David and Robert.

Though Rhys has stepped up, he’s not exactly got the experience. Which Kenton is quick to point out.

[Kenton] “It was a compliment. It was. You just have an usual batting style. Have you played tennis?”

Rhys is not amused. He’d been laughed at enough during the game itself.


A lethal cocktail

[Kenton] “To her Madge. May her subjects never go thirsty”

For the Jubilee, you can order a picnic box from The Bull to then go and sit out to enjoy the party.

Kenton and Rhys are also creating jubilee themes cocktails.

They give Jill one to taste. She’s beyond horrified … one assumes because it’s so strong (knowing Rhys and Kenton). She makes Kenton promise not to give it to anyone else.

But, boys will be boys.

Kenton insists that Lynda sup of their cocktail before she leaves, after the committee meeting.

[Lynda] “I have to admit, that’s actually rather delicious”

It has sparkling wine, peach schnapps and cherry liqueur.

Kenton insists Lynda finishes her glass …

A few moments later, when Lynda is talking to Jill outside, Lynda is hiccupping. And sounding a bit slurred. Spotting something is awry …

[Jill] “Are you cycling home?”

The Fields in Trust have visited

And they should have approval for the site BL has (generously …!) given to the village.


Roy doesn’t seem keen to leave for home

Elizabeth even had to threaten to put his coat on him.

It’s well past office hours, but Roy is keen to keep going.

He’s excited about entering Lower Loxley wine for Wine of the Year.

[Elizabeth] “Thank you … You can’t imagine how proud Nigel would be”

Hayley won’t be so chuffed. I though Roy had earlier mentioned that she needed to get to the Fete committee meeting – but that Vicky and Mike could take care of the kids if need be.

But, Hayley wasn’t at the committee meeting. Oh dear. Could that have had something to do with Roy being late?

And is it just the work that’s keeping Roy so engrossed with lower Loxley?!?


Lynda’s on a Britain in Bloom mission

Though a tad tiddly, Lynda is genuinely concerned about Britain in Bloom.

She thinks she can rely on Jim and Christine doing them proud with both their gardens, and the village hall. Susan will take care of the Village Shop, Jolene The Bull. But, she’s concerned about Honeysuckle Cottage (Adam and Ian), and No.1 The Green (Tom and Brenda). Everyone facing the Green has to have a perfect garden.

Problem is, Adam and Ian have more important matters to care about (Adam recovering from his attack), and Tom and Brenda are fairly busy with work.

[Lynda] “But this is important. What about all the hard work everyone else is putting in”

[Jill] “Surely it’s the taking part that counts”

[Lynda] “Heavens no. I want to win. There’s no point doing it otherwise”

Oh blimey. Be very afraid, those of you round the Green without a perfect garden!

Usha’s still being ostracised 13.05.12

The Archers Sunday 13th May 2012

• Church is the answer
• Alan and Amy really aren’t being remotely Christian
• Adam gets room service
• Fly has passed away
• The giant WI cake

Church is the answer

Well, it is if you’re Alan.

[Alan] “What do you reckon to it Amy, eh? A bit of time in church”

No. Amy would rather stay in bed. She’s had no sleep, a long shift and would rather be alone.

When Jennifer later commended Alan on his sermon, seems it had been about trusting in God to heal a broken heart. Jennifer felt Alan had spoken it from the heart.

So, that’s why he was so keen for Amy to attend.


Alan and Amy really aren’t being remotely Christian

Usha tries to talk to Amy:

[Usha] “I know you’re angry with me, but I don’t want it to be like this … please, just hear me out. I’m sorry, I made a mistake. I should have told you about Carl … but the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you. You mean the world to me … I just didn’t know what to do for the best. You were so happy … I didn’t want to shatter your illusions”

[Amy] “You thought I knew. About Carl being married … you let me make a complete fool of myself … dreaming about all the things me and Carl were going to do together … and all that was just a fantasy … you stood there and you let him lie, and give you flowers and take me away … have you any idea how violated that makes me feel? Well, have you?”

[Usha] “Amy. I made a mistake. I don’t want what else to say to you”

[Amy] “Try saying nothing. You’re good at that”

Amy’s still beyond herself with fury that Usha not only knew about Carl, but that Usha also though Amy knew. She’s just not that sort of girl. Which, Amy thinks, Usha should know.

Alan’s not any better towards Usha. He’s still being short with her.

After Usha had tried to talk to Amy, Amy left and went to see Alan at the Church, visibly upset.

[Alan] “Usha, honestly, just leave it … I wouldn’t try talking to her for a while. Please Usha, just leave it. Let me deal with Amy, ok!”

What on earth is wrong with Alan? Understandable Amy is lashing out, but Alan’s normally so reasonable.

Seems not so when it comes to his daughter. Even if that means being none too understanding to his wife.


Adam gets room service

And quite right too. Ian’s such a wee gem – he brings Adam continental coffee, croissants, Jill’s honey (yum!), orange juice and the Sunday papers.

[Adam] “You don’t have to go to this trouble. It almost makes me glad I got bashed over the head … it’s the most time we’ve spent together in months”

Adam’s enjoying it so much; he even tries to encourage Ian to pull a sickie. But Ian’s not for persuading. He has to get back to work, and Jennifer will take over caring for Adam (which she’s more than likely desperate to do).

[Adam] “So, one more day. I suppose we better make the most of it then”

Ian suggests going to the cricket match, even though he hates cricket. He reckons he can do with some practise watching it ahead of the test match Brian got Adam tickets for, and:

[Ian] “If I do get bored, I can fall asleep in the sun”

 
Fly has passed away

Fly was one of Home Farm’s dogs. He died peacefully, Brian finding hum curled up this morning.

[Adam] “It won’t be the same without him lolloping up in the morning to say hello”

God speed, fly. Have a grand time in that great rabbit field in the sky.


The giant WI cake

Is being made by the WI for the Jubilee.

Clarrie has to ice 60 (yes, 60!) sponges.

They also need volunteers to eat it.

Sounds like a tough job.

When Alan met Carl 23.04.12

(it was adoration at first sight)

The Archers Monday 23rd April 2012

• Those “so English” bells
• Phil’s birthday
• When’s a cake not a cake?
• Tom’s had a grand day
• Carl comes to tea
• Lynda to “have a blitz on the noticeboards”
• Promises still to be delivered

Those “so English” bells

Seemed the whole village was enjoying today’s bell ringing for Saint George’s Day. And Lily was one of the ringers.

Alan and Jill listened in together.

Well, they actually spoke through most of it.


Phil’s birthday

Was today. He would have really enjoyed the bells, reckoned Jill.


When’s a cake not a cake?

When it’s a gateau made by Lily for Elizabeth’s birthday the other day.

Actually, Lily had made Elizabeth’s whole birthday tea French themed.


Tom’s had a grand day

Which I always hate to hear, as success does make him ever that bit more smug.

Tom was actually taking time off to relax with a glass of wine, in the garden, with Brenda (while they listened to the bells).

Tom was chuffed that his poly tunnels are finally on their way. Because of the mix up, he’s also scored an inset netting and a shade net (whatever they are) thrown in free.

And he’s chuffed that Underwoods has increased their order for sausages.

And he’s chuffed that he’s also asked for, and got, a discount from one of their feed suppliers.

[Tom] “It shows how much untapped potential there is on the farm … think what I could do if I really got stuck in”

AND the Police have found his quad bike.

Phew! What a day.

[Brenda] “You just sit here and enjoy the warm glow of a good days work”

Though Tom did make mention that he might put the ready meals on hold for a while.

Interesting … actually, probably not.


Carl comes to tea
(and a biscuit)

Though Amy was annoyed at Alan for being late to meet Carl (only be 10 minutes), the ‘meet the parents’ trauma wasn’t at all traumatic.

Usha and Carl bonded over her experience of moving from Africa (her words), and his grandparents having moved from Jamaica to the UK. Usha says she still misses the warmth and colours of the African sun. The UK feels drab in comparison.

[Amy] “Nan said that too, like god has switched the lights off”

Carl reckons that his nan thinks that too. What’s more:

[Carl] “She likes to play up her exotic Caribbean routes”

They’re on again about how Carl goes to see his nan every weekend.

But that he’s got a photo of his nan on his phone is a bit creepy …

Seems Carl’s grandparents came from Mandeville in Jamaica. Which is also where Mabel (Amy’s nan, Alan’s first wife’s mum) came from.

That’s a coincidence.

And when Alan first comes in, Carl calls him “sir”. Then again when he was leaving.

Which was again a bit creepy, and quite unnecessary.

[Carl] “My grandmother is so impressed I’m going out with a pastor’s daughter”

Huh. Blatant sooking up as well.

After he’d gone:

[Alan] “Well, what a nice young man … and he really seems to have feelings for Amy … nice to be able to share Catherine’s memories. Mabel’s going to be so pleased Amy’s going out with someone with Jamaican roots”

[Usha] “Mabel will be buying a hat”

[Alan] “Amy’s found a thoughtful intelligent man who makes her happy”

Hmmm …


Lynda to “have a blitz on the noticeboards”

While Neil and Jill was sort out the wildlife area of the graveyard.

All in good cause:

[Jill] “You’ve got to have it all spick and span looking for the jubilee”

Quite.


Promises still to be delivered

It’s taking some folks some time to come good on the promises they auctioned off.

Though I suppose some of it was seasonal.

Ed and George will be round tonight to do a slug patrol at Jill’s.

Those eyebrows are still being raised about Sabrina Thwaite still telling Harry to wait to do his bit for her. Everyone thinks she wants it to be hot enough for him to take his top off.

[Jill] “If I was a bit younger, I might have out a bid in for him myself!”

Aye indeed. Good looking, intelligent, and ever so silent (these days …).

The Borchestershire Flagon 12.04.12

The Archers Thursday 12th April 2012

• Vicky’s Lobelia crazy!
• Pip’s a sponge
• Mike’s a fibber
• Jim doesn’t like Brian
• Challenge Alan
• Hello Ifty!

Vicky’s Lobelia crazy!

She’s plating red ones, next to white ones, next to blue ones.

Yup, you guessed it. She’s being patriotic for the Jubilee, and for Britain in Bloom (though Mike does point out that they’re too far out of the village for the judges to visit them).


Pip’s a sponge

She learns something at Uni, then comes home and sees it everywhere.

Today, she’s worried that some of the young calves might have Bovine Viral Diarrhoea (BVD). She just learnt about it at Uni.

[Pip] “BVD … did you know it’s the most significant economic viral disease in castle, bit just here but in Ireland and America as well .. scouring is one of the major symptoms”

Actually, David did know all of that (clever clogs!), and tells her that the problem with BVD is that you generally can’t spot it until it’s too late. And there may be other reasons for diarrhoea.

When Mike pops by, they tell him they might have a BVD problem (if Pip isn’t just being hysterical).

[Mike] “Ooh ay, you don’t want that!”

Very helpful, that was Mike.

David agrees to get Alistair in to take a proper look, but he cautions Pip to not start panicking.

[David] “Let’s not meet trouble half way”

After Alistair has been, David confirms that it probably isn’t BVD – likely to just be them being turned out onto grass for the first time.

But to be sure, they need to keep them away from the pregnant animals, and also be extra careful with hygiene.

Now that that’s sorted (for the time being):

[David] “I’m going to self-medicate. With some Grundy cider!”

Mike’s a fibber

Jim’s doling out the Cider Club’s share of the Community orchard cider (produced by Grundy enterprises).

But Mike turns up with a slightly larger than usual flagon.

[Mike] “That’s a standard Borchestershire flagon, that is”

When Jim queries how many litres it holds:

[Mike] “Oh now, this is an ancient traditional measure, you wouldn’t use litres”

When Jim then asks how many pints, Mike responds that it’s a flagon!

Jim is not convinced, so goes away to get a measuring jug. Bert Fry asks Mike what on earth he’s on about.

[Mike] “Just back me up, alright!”

Seems Mike was never taken-in by Jim’s mathematical magic in working out what gets what share of the cider.

[Bert] “It looked complicated enough”

[Mike] “He blinded us with science”

Seems Mike won his argument. Though I found it a bit odd David got his share from the Grundy share (David is a member of the club, but didn’t do any work on the Community Orchard – that leaves it up to him and the Grundys to work out what/why he gets from their share).

As they sup up, all agree it’s a grand drop.

[Jim] “Enough for a very convivial year ahead”

Jim doesn’t like Brian

Or his Super Dairy.

[Jim] “He really is the most insufferable pompous self-centred man, don’t you think?”

[Vicky] “Well, he can be quite charming at times”

[Jim] “Yes, I grant you, he can put in a carapace face of charm when he’s trying to sugar-coat this megalomaniac scheme to blight our glorious countryside with a monstrous industrial edifice”

Jim is also furious that BL are trying to bride local opinion with cash donations and pints of shires.

[Jim] “Then he’s heading for the biggest disappointment since Sibinus trusted the word of Ambiorix the Gaul, and we all know how that ended!”

[Vicky] “Erm, was he the one with the potion?”

Well, Vicky guessed better than I could have!


Challenge Alan

I’ve been very slow to pick up on that joke … ho hum.

Bert was today remarking on the change in Jim – that he’s back to his cantankerous old self after finishing Alan’s lent challenge (so it was really Alan’s Challenge, but I won’t split hairs).

On the other hand, Vicky is delighted that normal service has resumed.

[Vicky] “Let’s just say that some people aren’t born to make compliments”

Hello Ifty!

Iftikhar (who everyone calls Ifty) popped into the Village shop today, on his way to find the cricket ground.

Vicky seems quite giddy as she’s talking to him. When he mentions that everyone’s welcome to come to the youth nets (including girls):

[Vicky] “Ooh, I think I’m a bit too old!”

(though he didn’t pay a compliment of saying she didn’t look too old).

After he’d left:

[Vicky] “Ooh he’s lovely isn’t he, I’m not surprised about the girls .. they’ll be flocking to nets!”

Now love interest for Helen/Fallon/Kirsty ahoy!

Anyhoo – back to the business in hand. Seems Ifty is happy enough that girls do come to nets. Though he concurs with local opinion that only boys and girls of primary age can play together. Older ones can practise fitness together, but not skills.

Ifty sounds like quite a nice chap indeed. He’s volunteered to work with the young ‘uns because:

[Ifty] “I got my chance when I was young because people offered their time”

The Parish Community Council to bed BL 03.04.12

The Archers Tuesday 3rd April 2012

• Tony’s kitted up and raring to go
• Ronnie likes strong women
• Lily is now obsessed
• A very Special Parish Council meeting
• Tilly Button is in hand
• Jim resorts to Derek Fletcher

Tony’s kitted up and raring to go

But no-one will let him do anything.

[Tony] “I wanted to clean the stew pan but Helen did it”

And Pat won’t let him help with the trays.

Tony is also worried about Tom running himself ragged.

But there’s nothing he can do about that. Not while everyone is telling him to sit down and relax until he’s completely ready to return to work.

(quite right too!)

[Tony] “But I’m starting to feel much more myself”

[Pat] “You have to appreciate love, that’s why Tom’s being cautious, and why Helen won’t even let you do the pans”

Ronnie likes strong women

Ronnie is the chap from which Chris is buying the Farrier business.

Neil and Susan were talking about how proud they are of Chris, then started talking about how Ronnie met his wife.

Seems Ronnie met her at a Summer Fayre, where he was impressed by her prowess on the test your strength machine. After he’d seen her technique, he married her a mere 3 months later.

Wow. That’s a man who knows what he wants.



Lily is now obsessed

With bell ringing.

She’s still going to practice, and will even get to ring the bells on St George’s day.



A very Special Parish Council meeting

[Jim] “Village hall tea, that mysterious compound of coal dust and floor sweepings”

Actually, Oliver points out that he brought Darjeeling with him.

When they’re settled, they get down to the business of discussing the Fields in Trust.

Seems there’s a scheme which uses the Jubilee and the Olympics to help safeguard recreational areas of land – it’s called the QE II Field program. Once a community secures that status for the land, it can’t be built in, and they can access grants to create or improve facilities. The ownership of the land stays with the current owner, but they will have a legally binding contract, and a deed of dedication “to protect in perpetuity”.

So – the village green?

Nope, already protected.

The cricket pitch?

Nope, already protected.

The playground?

Nope, also already protected (as a memorial).

Then Jill comes up trumps.

She suggests the land between the shop and the river, which children have always played on. Including David, Kenton and Neil.

[Neil] “Mind, before they put the fence up, you had to stop the ball rolling down the land”

But there’s a big BUT.

That land belongs to Borchester Land.

Most seem to see that as not being a problem – it’d be a good spot to have Bonfire night on (to stop Hilary Noakes moaning, if nothing else):

[Jim] “Anything to spare a repetition of the Burned village green debacle!”

But Jill is horrified that they’ll have to ask Brian to gift the land.

[Jill] “Oh no …!”

Jill still hasn’t forgiven Brian for his rather obvious (and cynical) attempt to buy good PR for BL during the start of the Super Dairy debate.

[Oliver] “But sometimes a parish council has to accept realpolitik”

[Jim] “So why not try and get something good out of them before the chance goes forever?”

Blimey, Jim has changed his tune.

It sounded like Jill as a very lone voice in the debate.



Tilly Button is in hand

On the topic of the James/Leonie fly over:

[Jim] “How splendid, our very own festival of noise!”

But it’s not all bad news. Seems Tilly has been “spoken to, very firmly” by Brown Owl. So no naughtiness from the Brownies, then.

Oliver tells how Jolene has been making her regulars practising waving for the flyover (out in the car park), in the shape of a bull. But as they’re practising at night, they’re only waving at the night sky at the moment.

[Jim] “Goodness me, were you expecting to be beamed up?”

[Lynda] “It would be a shame if the whole flight was taken over by commercial concerns …”

(does Lynda not recall that she and Robert run a B&B, so surely her deep desired to be photographed is of as much commercial concern as The Bull?)


Jim resorts to Derek Fletcher

Though Jim was going great guns with his Lent promise (to make as many genuine compliments to as many people as possible), he’s now feeling the strain. He’s running out of people to compliment.

[Jim] “And since his socks were the least offense thing about him, I had to say how nice they were”

[Jill, giggling again. Which she seems to be doing a lot at the moment. Which is nice] “You made his afternoon!”

Susan and Clarrie have nothing to talk about 07.03.12

The Archers Wednesday 7th March 2012

• No malted milks!
• Clarrie’s fetching the paper
• Can’t gossip about Oliver
• Can’t gossip about Brian
• Jim can gossip
• A rude parsnip
• The Hungry Gap
• The WI big cake
• Susan sets Alan on Jim
• Jim has to pay compliments
• Is Brian thick?
• The Peregrines are back

No malted milks!

[Jim] “Oh dear. Still no malted milks. Oh well, it’ll have to be the digestives again”

Jinks. Ambridge living really is a shocker.



Clarrie’s fetching the paper

On Pat’s say so, for Tony.

Didn’t take long for Pat to start treating Clarrie like a serf again.


Can’t gossip about Oliver

Oliver’s been digging over Joe’s garden, as part of the Promise Auction Jim bidded on for Joe.

[Clarrie] “Joe’s been a bit naughty really, telling him Harry would have done it better cause he’s so much younger … course Oliver, being the man he is, takes it as a challenge”

But Susan has to stop her there. Clarrie’s verging on gossip (not allowed for Lent!)

After a bit of silence while Susan and Clarrie try to work out what they can talk about, Susan starts talking about Neil doing up her old doll house for Keira. Seems he’s finished the wallpapering, and is now touching up the paintwork.


Can’t gossip about Brian

Clarrie’s telling Susan that Brian’s back helping Helen with the veg boxes.

[Susan] “You heard about the demonstration at the market … it must have been very embarrassing …”

But Clarrie has to stop her there. Now Susan is verging on gossip.


Jim can gossip

Jim steps into Susan and Clarrie’s conversation.

[Brian] “From what I heard in The Bull last night … it must have been very awkward for Brian … Kirsty, right at the front, giving out leaflets to the farmers and Brian, rather ill-advisedly, I have to say, went up and tried to reason with her in front of the whole crowd and an Echo reporters, and you know what she said to him …”

But both Clarrie and Susan cut him off. It’s gossip. Even though they do desperately want to know what Kirsty said to Brian.


A rude parsnip

Helen’s showing Brian how to pack purple sprouting broccoli. He seems quite chuffed with himself for being able to do it, especially putting the elastic around the stems.

Simple pleasures.

As Helen stopped Brian talking to her about the demonstration (too controversial, with Helen obviously on the side of the protestors), and was mentioning that Pip is now helping Bridge Farm out with the milking …

[Brian] “Good lord. What’s that?”

[Helen] “A parsnip. One of our rejects …”

[Brian] “Really? I’ve never seen one that shape before!”

[Helen] “I’ll give it to Tom. I’m sure he can think of something imaginative to do with it”

Oh that’s a really nasty (nasty) thought …


The Hungry Gap

I never knew this – but the Hungry Gap refers to:

In cultivation of vegetables in a British-type climate, the hungry gap is the gardeners' name for the period in spring when there is little or no fresh produce available from a vegetable garden or allotment. It usually starts when overwintered brassica vegetables such as brussels sprouts and winter cauliflowers and January King cabbages "bolt" (i.e. run up to flower) as the days get warmer and longer, but sooner if a very hard frost kills these crops; and ends when the new season's first broad beans are ready.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hungry_gap

Helen normally just sends out recipe cards to give folks suggestions for how to cook what is there. But, she hasn’t got time at the moment.

So Brian offers her up Jennifer. If Helen sends over all the recipes she’s used before, Jennifer will sort them out and print them.

Well, I suppose it was time Jennifer was given something to do.


The WI big cake

[Alan] “The WI are going to feed the 5000!”

Seems they’re making a big cake for the Jubilee picnic.

Well done WI.


Susan sets Alan on Jim

Susan sounds genuinely worried that she’s not managing with her ‘no gossip’ pledge for lent.

[Susan] “Me and Clarrie are running out of things to say …”

And then there’s Jim:

[Susan] “coming into the shop and trying to lead us astray. Tempting us with a nice bit of juicy gossip and trying to wear us down … you'd think he'd show more respect”

Alan concurs. And heads off to have a word with him.

[Alan] “Is it true you’ve been teasing Susan and Clarrie?”

[Jim] “That was nothing really … it was only a bit of harmless fine. I assure she knew I didn’t mean it seriously”

[Alan] “Well it’s easy for you to laugh, but it’s actually quite a bit deal for her … she’s really quite upset about it”

Jim promises to apologise next time he sees her.

But Alan isn’t done …

Jim has to pay compliments

[Jim] “I can see for Susan, gossip is her life blood. It’d be like me having to give up … doing the crossword”

Alan pushes Jim to come up with something harder. Something that would be truly tough for Jim to give up. In fact, he pushes Alan to take on a “more positive challenge” …

[Alan] “I don’t know. Pay someone a compliment every day … a different person everyday”

[Jim] “You really are serious?”

[Alan] “Of course, if you think you’ve got less will power than Susan …”

So of course, Jim agrees (just as if Alan had called him chicken … what big kids they are).

I don’t quite get why having to give a compliment to a different person every day is such a tough challenge.

Is it just because Jim can sometimes be a bit scathing?


Is Brian thick?

Can he not see that Adam is still furious with him? Or does Brian think that by ignoring it, Adam will suddenly snap out of it?

They’re talking about the demonstration.

[Brian] “Did you know it was going to happen?”

[Adam] “Nothing definite. There’s been some talk on the internet”

(though Brian doesn’t seem perturbed that Adam might have known about the demo … is Brian just assuming that Adam is involved in the anti-brigade, and doesn’t really care?)

[Brian] “And they’ve had leaflets printed. They’re not the usual bunny hugging nonsense. It’s a quite serious, well-argued piece of propaganda”

Adam tells Brian not to assume the protest was a one off, and tells Brian to look at their website.

Which Brian does. And then thanks Adam for “the warning” as the website is saying they will be demonstrating again tomorrow.

[Brian] “It’s a ruddy nuisance all the same. It’s just not what we need at this stage. And I think we got off so lightly at the public meeting”

Adam really isn’t interested. She sarcastically wishes Brian best of luck, but was basically saying ‘whatever’.

[Adam] “Brian, I don’t have any kind of inside information … I really don’t see why you’re so surprised about these protests … the power of social networking, word gets round, people take action, so what else did you expect?”

So, do we think Adam does have something to do with Kirsty and her protestors?


The Peregrines are back

Yay!

I was a bit worried when we heard Jim whispering:

[Jim] “Now then my beauties, where are you …”

But he was just trying to spot the peregrines. Lynda and Alan have seen them back at St. Stephens.

Valentine’s Day 14.02.12

The Archers 14th February 2012

• Neil’s final stroke … or not
• Will and Nic’s luxurious Valentine’s Night
• Alice and Chris’ low budget Valentine’s Night
• Keeping the Royal fires burning
• Lynda’s a Master
• The Parish Council on the Super Dairy

Neil’s final stroke … or not

Bert’s pouring his thanks and deepest gratitude onto Neil for all the work he’s done on his (and Tracey’s … unknown to Neil and Susan) house.

Tracey hasn’t been getting on so well with her and the kids’ room. Seems that though the kids are on half term, they’re help with the painting wasn’t of much help:

[Bert] “No. That didn’t end happy. Just as well it were emulsion. We’d never have got that much gloss out of Chelsea’s hair … it were Brad, tried to use her as a paintbrush”

But that’s not Neil’s problem.

He makes his “final stroke” and heads off to the Parish Council Meeting.

But, on returning from the Parish Council meeting to Bert’s (to take the masking tape off), Bert is still waxing lyrical … he has an agenda.

[Bert] “Transformed this place, you have. I’d never have thought it possible … it’ll see me out, I reckon … there is just one thing … with everything else looking so grand … the hall. I can’t help thinking it’s made it look real dingy, in comparison like”

[Neil, smelling more work ahoy] “Well, it’s a case of where you draw the line, innit”

(Innit? Innit??? When did Mr Neil Carter start saying “innit”???)

[Bert] “Oh, shame to spoilt the ship for a ha'pworth of tar”

(which is something about spoiling something by prioritising a small saving).

And anyway, Bert reckons having the hall done “would see me out proper”.

Emotional blackmail. Difficult to sidestep.

So Neil agrees to also do the hall.

[Neil] “But that’s it then, definitely”

Ha! Even Neil can’t believe that one.


Will and Nic’s luxuriousValentine’s Night

Involves Will looking smart, and a four course meal at The Feathers (with champagne).

Will also gave Nic a pair of lovely earrings.

[Chris] “Yeah, after this you can coast for the next 30 years!”

At Nic and Will’s meal, Nic gets a bit overexcited.

[Nic] “Oh my god! It’s a work of art … I’ve never seen anything like it, at least not on a plate”

But there’s more. Nic's a bit worried about having another glass of champagne as they haven’t discussed who is driving home,

But she needn’t worry. Will’s sorted it.

[Will] “We’re going to stay here. I’ve booked us a room”

Clarrie’s over at theirs looking after the kids, so Will and Nic are free to enjoy a night away.

Nic reckons she’s being spoilt:

[Nic] “No you’re no. Nothing can spoil you. You're perfect”

Aw. Sweetness itself.

My word, how Will has changed.

Thank Nic!



Alice and Chris’ low budget Valentine’s Night

[Alice] “We’re doing it low budget stylely”

They got a DVD, and Double Happiness

(the name of the Chinese restaurant they’ve got a takeaway from, not something kinky)

[Nic] “Oh lovely. A cosy takeaway in front of the telly”

Though Nic wouldn’t quite be ready to swap it for her swanky night out.

Alice also tells Chris to keep his money in his pocket when some bloke (with, what I imagine, is a bucket of roses) offers them to him and Will for the ladies. £4 Alice would rather he saved.

Later, back at home, Alice discovers that Chris has made decorations:

[Alice] “beautiful like a real oriental restaurant”

And the man carved carrot!

[Alice] “Much better than some hot house rose wrapped in cellophane”

Keeping the Royal fires burning

At the Parish Council meeting, they’re talking about celebrations for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.

Lynda’s keen for a beacon.

Seems on the 4th of June, there will be beacons lit across the UK, starting with the Queen setting one alight. All Ambridge needs to do is apply to be one of the 2012.

[Jill] “That’s a lot, isn’t it?”

But seems they had 1800 for the Golden Jubilee.


Lynda’s a Master

Along with the beacon:

[Neil] “Oh there’s a job .. pageant master. Not many of those about!”

[Lynda] “Well I do to think of myself as Ambridge’s unofficial pageant master …”

The plan would be to have the beacon on Lakey Hill.

Which, as Jill pointed out, they’d done for the Silver. Oddly, Lynda seem to be irritated at Jill saying anything during this meeting.

When Lynda said she’d contact David for permission to use Lakey Hill

[Jill] “Or I could .. he is my son”

[Lynda] “No, as I am, as it were, beacon master”

[Neil] “Mistress”

[Lynda] “Or indeed mistress … I think it best that we go through official channels”

Eh? Why is Lynda trying to shut Jill out?

Anyhoo – they get onto who should build the beacon (Mike), and whether they should hold their own pageant. But they don’t want to clash with the official one, so settle on a street party (on the green – the ‘street’ but doesn’t matter, it would seem) type picnic just before or after the official celebrations.

There was murmurs of approval from the rest of the committee for that.

Jill and Audrey are to organise the party (which Lynda didn’t object to – she is being very inconsistent tonight), and they’ll also dig out the maypole from under the village hall stage.

Marvellous.

Proper Britishness (without the jingoism).



The Parish Council on the Super Dairy

Well, we didn’t really get to hear what was said. Just the post discussion discussion.

[Neil] “I’m just saying Borchester Land have a light to be heard … there is an argument for this type of unit”

[Lynda] “Yes, a financial one”

But they will hear BL out anyway at another meeting. And Jill’s definitely going to be there.

[Jill] “Pat rang me earlier. Geeing me up. I was going to be there anyway!”

Quite right. Jill was the original agitator, after all.

[Lynda] “I think it’s vital anyone opposed to this plan, which is really anyone who cares a jot about animals or the environment, needs to be there. Borchester Land have money and resources on their side. We need to match them. If we can”

There we go.

BL has nae chance. Lynda and Jill have joined the affray!

A letter from Kylie 08.02.12

The Archers Wednesday 8th February 2012

• Neil missed the planting
• Pat harasses Lynda
• Bloomin’ pork cobbler!
• Kylie’s letter
• Scruff listens to Neil
• Consternation in the village? Organise a meeting!
• Business cards and Facebook
• Tom’s angry

Neil missed the planting

Of the Jubilee oak tree.

Which is a shame, as he was part of organising it.

But he had work to do at Bert’s.

Poor Neil.

Still, Lynda says it’s been planted in the perfect spot.


Pat harasses Lynda

Over the village website. Pat had even sent Lynda an email!

[Pat] “I really don’t think the village website should be doing BL’s job for them … I couldn’t believe it when Ruth showed me. It’s so misleading …The website should be a forum for the village, not BL’s propaganda!”

Lynda thinks the article was reasonable, though she doesn’t agree with the Super Dairy, and says that Pat can also do her own article for the website, with a link to her online petition.

[Lynda] “You must know I wouldn’t approve, but I can’t stop Jennifer posting”

Bloomin’ pork cobbler!

Which Tony reckoned was only “just fine”.

Tom’s away on his trips again (this time to “lock down” his recipes, including the infamous pork cobbler), so once again leaves Tony to do the milking himself. Again.


Kylie’s letter

Pat and Tony got a letter from Kylie today. She’d heard that they’d met Rich, was glad they had and:

[Kylie’s letter] Mum doesn’t usually like talking about her past … she’s started to open up … I just wanted you to know I think it’s great … 

Kylie also wanted to tell them that she as happy memories of Ambridge – remembers Pat and Tony from them, and that they were kind to her.

Pat’s over the moon.

[Pat] “It’s still a link though. We don’t know what’s going to happen down the line”

[Tony] “Please don’t Pat, It’s just a kind gesture from a kind girl. We mustn’t expect any more than that”

But Pat doesn’t want to let it go again.

She wants to Facebook Kylie to say thank you for her letter.

[Tony] “I’m not sure. We really don’t want to push it”

But Pat’s adamant that now she has an in to Rich, she wants to keep the channel with Kylie open/

[Tony] “Well, as long as it’s just a quick thank you”

And Tony also insists they tell Helen and Tom about the letter. He doesn’t want a repetition of last time.


Scruff listens to Neil

Lynda’s scruff was just all over Neil, which he didn’t mind too much about.

But when Neil had had enough, he told Scruff to sit down. Which he immediately did.

Wonder if Neil could have the same impact on Lynda?


Consternation in the village? Organise a meeting!

Lynda suggests to Neil that the Parish Council is duty bound to host a public meeting about the Super Dairy. He agrees it’d be a good idea to openly discuss both sides, and Lynda tasks Neil with inviting Brian.

Which Neil does.

But surprisingly – Brian sounds reticent.

[Brian] “I’m not quite sure when we’d hold it, as you can imagine we’re all very busy”

[Neil] “People are still going to have questions and criticisms, it’d probably be worth your while listening to them”

Brian says to Neil that he’ll discuss it with the Board. When he’s rung off from Neil:

[Brian] “Perfect. That’s all I need!”

Eh?

I thought Brian wanted open discussions. He’d already suggested they hold a public meeting (but that PR chap Rufus said it was too early to do so). And the Board wanted Brian to be open and listen.

So here’s his chance.

Why doesn’t he want it?


Business cards and Facebook

Is Tom (the cards) and Brenda’s (Facebook page) contributions to the anti-Super Dairy campaign.

At least it is turning out to be a family effort.


Tom’s angry

After being told by Pat and Tony about Kylie’s letter.

He reckons they promised him that it was over and done with.

[Tom] “But no, they’ve started something they can’t stop”

And now Pat will be watching the letterbox.

[Tom] “I’m not upset Brenda, I just wished they’d forget it and get on with important stuff … there’s nothing we can do but just hope it goes away”

Little chance of that, matey.

The Bull is neutral 07.02.12

The Archers Tuesday 7th February 2012

• Ambridge’s Jubilee Royal Oak
• Harry’s irritating Jazzer even when he’s not around
• Lent ahoy …
• Trouble for Topper
• Say no to the Ambridge Mega Dairy
• Jazzer comes before the cows
• Battling BL Propaganda

Ambridge’s Jubilee Royal Oak

Has been planted by Alan and the kids.

[Jill] “It came in a beautiful hessian bag with red white and blue tissue”

Though they don’t know exactly what Royal estate the acorn originally came from.

Jill shocks Shula by saying that she’ll not be around to see the tree go – though she may see it if she gets to her hundreds:

[Jill] “and get my own royal seal of approval”

Harry’s irritating Jazzer even when he’s not around

Poor Jazzer.

We still haven’t heard Harry utter a sound in an age – but he’s still managing to annoy Jazzer.
Jazzer’s in The Bull for a few pints, and was asking Fallon how many women are bidding for Harry in the Promise Auction.

Quite a few, it would seem.

Not that Jazzer is jealous …

[Jazzer] “Just interested to hear how many deluded women there are in the world”

Though he does seem a tad ‘disappointed’ that Fallon is also bidding. As is more or less every women in the village.

[Fallon] “Reckon I’m going to have a fight on my hand”

[Jazzer] “I just don’t want ye to make fools of yourselves … You’ve gone wet in the heid!”

[Fallon] “Or weak in the knees”

Jazzer’s disgust is palpable. Fallon suggests if he cares so much, may he should offer his services for the promise Auction as well.

[Jazzer] “Joking ain’t ye? I’m no a piece of meat, you know!”

Ruth comes into The Bull, so Fallon asks her if she’s going to bid for Harry.

[Fallon] “Fancy letting him dig over your flower beds?”

[Ruth] “Well I wouldn’t say no!”

[Jazzer] “In the name of the wee man, are you all on heat or something?!?”

Poor Jazzer. In Harry’s shadow when he’s not even around to cast it.


Lent ahoy …

[Jill] “Not bread and cheese again I hope. I missed my Sunday roasts”

[Alan] “I thought with so much austerity about, rather than asking people to give something up I’d suggest that they do something instead… so that it’s not quite so negative”

Thank goodness for that.

I don’t think I could have coped with another Eddie and Joe Grundy scam/farce …

But the twist is that Alan’s not saying (yet) what the “something” he wants folks to so will be.


Trouble for Topper 

(Nigel’s horse, which they’d sold (much to Freddie’s pain), though was at least stabled at Shula’s)

Shula gat a call from the chap who’d bought Topper (sounded like a Mr Stevis). He says his wife is ill, and he can no longer afford the livery.

Shula is very upset about it. It’ll mean they’ll have to find someone else to buy Topper, which will likely mean he’ll not longer be stabled with her. And she sees Topper as being part of the family.

She also knows Freddie will be devastated. Even though he has his own pony, he still spends time with Topper when he’s at the stables.

[Shula] “Topper’s still Nigel’s’ horse, mum. Freddie hasn’t just forgotten about him … he likes knowing he’s there. This will just break his heart all over again”

Ach come on – Elizabeth’s loaded! Just buy Topper back, and all will be well.


Say no to the Ambridge Mega Dairy

Is what Ruth (and Pat’s) posters say – encouraging folks to sign their online petition.

Fallon had said yes to Ruth putting the posters up in The Bull, but Jolene asks Ruth to take them back down.

[Jolene] “No offense Ruth, but I don’t want to annoy anyone”

Ruth’s fine about it, though Fallon reckons it’s a shame. She thinks The Bull is the ideal place – as it’s where folks “talk about everything anyway”.

But, Jolene already has rules about what can and can’t go up in The Bull.

[Jolene] “I just don’t want the pub getting involved”

Jazzer comes before the cows

Jazzer isn’t really for or against the Super Dairy.

[Jazzer] “Fuss ower nothing if you ask me. If it’s a choice between trudging roon in the mud and rain like I have to, or working in a nice warm shed … Everyone’s so concerned about the poor cows. What about us ordinary folks?”

He also reckons he couldn’t afford milk if he didn’t get it for nothing at work.

(eh? But he can afford pints of beer!)

Ruth’s shocked. He works at Grange Farm, which has an ethos completely opposite to the Super Dairy. But Jazzer agrees with Mike that the Super Dairy will be going after a different market, so his job should be safe enough.

Typical Jazzer indeed. As long as he’s fine, nothing else really scrapes a mention.


Battling BL Propaganda

Jolene tells Ruth that while she can’t put the ‘No’ Super Dairy posters up, Ruth could obviously try the old phone box and also the village website … though Ruth hadn’t been aware that there was already a Super Dairy article up on it.

When Ruth sees the article, she’s furious. It’s hardly a balanced article (making much of the onsite vets, but makes no mention that higher numbers of cows go lame and get mastitis). Ruth reckons the website article is just like the BL leaflets and “flashy” website.

[Ruth] “They’ve got so many resources. Are you sure I can’t just put up a poster? Otherwise we’ll get drowned by BL propaganda”

[Jolene, still saying no the posters, but …] “Seems to me the village website should be a bit like the pub. It’s biased, isn’t it? It should at least show your side of the argument too”

Quite right Jolene.

Jennifer should have known better.