The Archers Wednesday 1st February 2012
- Neil’s reaction to Joe and Bert’s DIY?
- Darrell Speaks
- “I’m looking into selling the herd”
- Shelly Brazil and Tom
- Harry and every female in the village
Neil’s reaction to Joe and Bert’s DIY?
[Neil] “Oh my …”
We next hear of him in The Bull, in much need of a pint.
Then, he’s taken Mike and Darrell back to take a look at the devastation.
[Mike] “You mean this eyesore is someone trying to help!?!”
They can all still smell the cider. Bert and Joe must have been properly sloshed.
Neil is incandescent. He needs to finish up the tiling by Friday so that the electrician can get his bit done. Joe and Bert’s ‘help’ will mean the whole thing has to be redone. Which will mean Neil won’t be able to let the electrician in. And that means waiting for longer to get the electrician back in (we all know how hard it is to get an appointment out of an electrician). Which means waiting longer for Tracey (and brood) to move out.
Joe and Bert do not realise the harm they’ve done.
But not to fear. Darrell is here.
He offers to help Neil. Not for money, just as a neighbour.
Good bloke.
Which brings me onto …
Darrell Speaks
And sounds like a nice enough chap.
Darrell (Elona’s husband) is having a pint with Mike at The Bull after having done some work with him. Darrell has also got a bit of work at Grey Gables. Seems Peggy has put in a word.
He’s getting bit and bobs of work, but one of his daughters, Rosa, can’t find anything.
[Darrell] “I don’t think she thinks she’ll ever find a job”
He and Mike concur that it’s a terrible world for young ‘uns. No jobs, and no hope of jobs.
Well, that’s until Mike later on decides to offer Rosa a job at his dairy.
Darrell helping out Neil has impressed Mike and paid dividends (for Rosa).
“I’m looking into selling the herd”
It’s a day of blokes drinking.
Mike and Darrell. Neil. And when David goes round to see Oliver, they talk over beer.
Stressful times indeed.
David cuts to the chase (in telling Oliver something he can’t quite talk to Ruth about)
[David] “I’m looking into selling the herd”
[Oliver] “Of everything possible I thought it might be, this never came into my head”
[David] “I never thought I’d see the day would come when I’d entertain it as a serious possibility … I am sorry to dump this on you Oliver, but Ruth is so passionate … God Oliver, I still never thought it would come to this”
With milk yields low, and the slurry problem (plus cost to fix), David can’t see what else to do. So he wants a clear objective view from Oliver.
It’s a relief for David to be able to talk to someone about his dilemma. He’s started putting out feelers about prices and the like, but he’s carrying a lot of weight by himself. Part of him also wants someone just to tell him what to do.
(well, Ruth will do that for him!)
David is guilt ridden.
[David] “I promised him I’d keep Brookfield a mixed family farm”
[Oliver] “But Phil wouldn’t want you to drive yourself into the ground to keep a promise you made over 10 years ago … he wouldn’t, times change”
And Oliver tells David that he must (must!) talk to Ruth about this soon. They’re in together.
Shelly Brazil and Tom
Tom seems to be very hung-up on Shelly.
She’s a local celebrity chef, and writes for Borchester Life. She already did one event at Ambridge Organics a while back – Tom is obsessed that she also appears at the new Ambridge Organics brand launch on Thursday.
But Shelly has gone silent on him. So he keeps calling. Stalking …
Brenda later checks Tom’s texts for him while he’s driving. There is one from Shelly.
Brenda tells him that Shelly can’t come.
But it was just a jest:
[Brenda] “Actually, she says she can … I just wanted to see how much you cared!”
(funny sense of humour, that Brenda)
Shelly can come AND she’s taking a Borchester Life photographer with her. So the launch will get into the social pages … Borchester’s Bashes.
[Brenda] “I can see it now – celebrity chef, Shelly Brazil, sample sausage King Tom Archer’s Wares!”
Ew!
Would rather not see that. Not at all!
Harry and every female in the village
Brenda is also bidding for Harry’s Britain in Bloom Promise Auction.
[Brenda] “There is loads of us lining up to have him dig our garden”
Brenda, Kirsty – and also Hilary Noakes and Vicky (so it seems).
Harry is a popular chap.
Wonder if he’ll speak again anytime soon.
The Archers Monday 16th January 2012
- Caroline’s glitch
- Lynda still has flu
- The server is also down at Home Farm
- Jennifer ran a gauntlet
- Using a phone takes twice as long?
- Job for Tracey?
- The new packaging has arrived
- Google declares E. coli over
- Shelly Brazil has cancelled!
- Thief! Clive???
- Brian can’t live in the moment?
Caroline’s glitch
Turns out to be an Ambridge wide glitch.
Without broadband, Caroline can’t check anyone out of Grey Gables. Or check new bookings. Or respond to requests.
She has to resort to pen and paper. And asking Ian (the chef) to call the IT bloke.
Lynda still has flu
I’m starting to worry now.
As Caroline said, it takes a lot to floor our Lynda.
The server is also down at Home Farm
Ah, the plot thickens …
Jennifer ran a gauntlet
When she took Peggy to church.
That Brian’s got a lot to answer for.
It’s hardly ladylike behaviour, having to run a gauntlet.
Jennifer will have to get used to it if the Super Dairy plans continue.
Using a phone takes twice as long?
According to Ian, when placing a food order.
Funny thing. I always think not having email speeds up work something grand. You actually get the work done, rather than feeling you’ve got the work done by sending an email.
Job for Tracey?
When Caroline mentioned that she’d need to bring in extra help to cope without any broadband, I thought Tracey would have a shoe in.
But it was good ol’ Oliver that came in.
He did do a grand job. He even dealt (what sounded like) a very grumpy customer who, even after Oliver gave him a free upgrade in apology, still sounded like Grey Gables has torched his house.
The new packaging has arrived
Be still our collective beating heart!
Tim’s very excited.
It’s the new Ambridge Organics packaging, which both he and Helen do approve of.
Helen does have to ask Tom to tone down his enthusiasm in front of Tony and Pat.
[Helen] “It’s an end of an era for them”
Aye, as if Tom gives a hoot about that.
It’s all Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom …
Google declares E. coli over
Reckons Tom.
Seems the only mention of Ambridge Organics or Bridge Farm and E. coli is way down on page 6.
Okay.
So I will admit it.
Tom did do a good job online.
Still doesn’t make him a nice person.
Shelly Brazil has cancelled!
Oh the humanity!
And if they can’t persuade Pat to do a speech, surely the whole Ambridge Organics launch will be ruined?!?
Still, on the positive side, it did make Tom calm down. He does need a disappointment once in a while to make him bearable.
Thief! Clive???
Or probably more likely, thieves.
As the day wore on, Susan was frazzled only being able to take cash and cheques at the post office.
Jennifer was concerned about the third generation:
[Jennifer] “And older people are a worry in a situation like this, if they haven’t got a mobile”
But was hopeful that this experience might encourage Peggy to finally get a mobile.
(I’m surprised she hasn’t already – what with her silver surfing)
So with most of Ambridge without internet, and also landlines, what was the cause?
Some bad person has stolen the main cable.
Blimey.
Clive?
Brian can’t live in the moment?
[Brian] “It does feel very last century at the moment, doesn’t it?”
[Jennifer} “In a strange way,. It’s quite comforting. You can feel got at with emails zipping … we can’t see to live in the moment, can we. If it wasn’t for the awful inconvenience, it’d be a relief”
[Brian] “I suppose I’m not really good at living in the moment, am I?”
Sorry?
Was that really Brian talking?
He’s really blown his ability to ever be able to use the old ‘it just happened’ excuse if his trousers happen to go wondering again.
- Oliver’s elixir helps badgers
- Who let Ed’s cows out?
- Kenton wants Tom’s spicy sausages
- Damn that Shelly Brazil!
- It’s still all about Clive …
- Brenda is not happy
Oliver’s elixir helps badgers
It’s TB test time for Ed. While he is quite nervous about.
His cows are shiny and milking well. And Oliver reassures hum that they’re not in a “hot spot” area, nor one which is an official badger culling area.
In fact. Olive has been doing his bit as well.
Seems he’s been outing an “elixir” down at the badger sets to help their immunity.
Nice Oliver.
Later on, Ed wonders whether they should take part in the badger vaccination. They can do so voluntarily, though they would need a group of local farmers to also take part. So, Ed’s off to ask David (with his NFU hat on).
[Oliver] “Well you can try. But he’s no friend of the Badger!”
Who let Ed’s cows out?
Ed was called out to Waterly Cross Road to round up some of his young ‘uns that had got onto the road.
Oliver seemed quite excited about it.
[Oliver] “Right, what are we waiting for!”
But once they get there (and get the cows back in with Tom and Brenda’s help), Ed reckons they’d got out through the gate.
[Tom] “Stupid walkers. You’d think they’d know better”
[Ed] “It was deliberate though. Someone meant to let them out”
Seems the gate is hard to lift open, so it couldn’t have just been nudged by the cows or blown open by the wind.
Wonder who would have done that?
Kenton wants Tom’s spicy sausages
Brave Kenton.
Especially as talking to Tom means you get a free half hour lecture on how Tom is right and his folks are wrong.
[Tom] “We need to change the branding and move on … until Mum and da come to terms with the digital age”
Ah, shush there Tom.
Damn that Shelly Brazil!
Seems she has 8,000 Twitter followers.
(which is a surprisingly large number for a local, minor version of a celeb chief, but I shall not quibble)
And she has Tweeted out Tom’s pigs playing football.
And when he checks it later on, his video has had over 23,000 hits.
[Tom] “That’s 23 thousand my boy. Piggy football is going viral!”
Damn it!
Tom is going to be insufferable.
It’s still all about Clive …
I’m starting to wish he’d do something psychotic to stop his constant moaning.
He offers to take Bert to the pub.
Which is (I suppose) helpful.
But then:
[Clive to Susan] “Yeah well, he’s lost his cook and cleaner. Poor old boy. He won’t know where he is … Still he’s got you … you’ll be popping round with the odd stew I’m sure”
[Susan] “One of us has got to. Don't see anybody else rushing to help!”
But no – Clive reckons he would help, it’s just that he always gets elbowed out of the way.
He’s now also annoyed that no-one has asked him about the funeral.
[Clive] “Well. Let me know. I wouldn't want to miss it …And what about Kylie? Has anyone been in touch with her. She’ll need to know. She’ll want to be at her nan’s funeral”
And classic Clive – he leaves it to Susan to call Kylie. He reckons he hasn’t got her number, and he can’t call as things aren’t good between him and Sharon (Kylie’s mum).
Then, once he’s been to the pub with Bert, he hardly sounds sympathetic to Bert being in shock.
[Clive] “Rambling … Remember that time we all went down to Weymouth … something about the old girl stepping on a crab … then for no reason at all he started burbling about the council putting him on half time”
Where Susan sees Bert as finally breaking down and showing his grief, Clive:
[Clive] “I wouldn’t count on it. He’s probably just missing having his meals cooked for him”
[Susan] “You don’t change, do you. You have to see the worst in everyone”
Clive calms down and says to take no notice of him. He’s just used to “ducking and diving”. Susan tells him that he can change.
Then he asks her for a bacon sarnie and a lift to Felpersham.
Which she agrees to.
Looks like Susan can’t change either.
Brenda is not happy
About not being seen as an official part of the Archer clan by Tony (as yet), and that she can’t add her valuable expertise and wisdom to the meeting about how to market Bridge Farm.
[Brenda] “The only thing that’s going to get bridge Farm out of the mire is good marketing, and who knows all about it … and what constitutes family? You can see why I feel hurt. After all the effort I made!”
And worse still – someone else has had an idea!
[Brenda] “You’ve heard Helen’s latest idea on rebranding. Everything goes under the brand name Henry’s”
[Tom] “You’re not serious!”
[Brenda] “She is. I think …”
[Tom] “No way!”
[Brenda] “It’s got a certain ring to it …”
[Tom] “I don’t care if it chimes like big ben. It’s not going to happen”
Hark him!
Feeling threatened by a baby …
- Generous present from Caroline and Oliver
- A Pig league?
- Tom seems to be on a (sausage) roll
- Ivy Horrobin died this morning
- Sudden death … hmmmm
- Tony is still most decidedly unamused
- Brenda isn’t family
- Underwoods cards and Roy as best man
Generous present from Caroline and Oliver
[Nic] “Oh Will, I’m thrilled about the Darrington Rom … there’s going to be no charge for the room, or the flowers or the champagne for the toast!”
The no charge, flowers and champers are all from Caroline and Oliver.
That’s very kind of them indeed.
A Pig league?
Tom reckons his Pigs should be on match of the day.
[Susan] “I don't think they cover the Piggy league, or else Neil would be on it all the time!”
Tom seems to be on a (sausage) roll
Shelly Brazil is back
If you remember back a wee bit – Shelly did a food demo at Ambridge Organics. Tom reckons she’s “Borchester’s answer to Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall”
Tom reckons she’s interested in his sausages (ooer!), and there may be a chance she’ll make mention of them in her column in Borchester Life.
He’s in the Village Shop to ask Jill about a sausage tasting at the Village Shop for National Sausage week.
[Nic] “Wow. The things that happen in this village”
(not sure if Nic was being sarcastic. Hard to tell)
Ivy Horrobin died this morning
Susan had to rush off from the shop, leaving Tom in charge (so it had to be important).
It falls to Pat to break the news to Neil and all of us eavesdroppers (Neil had left his mobile, was at bridge Farm, so Susan called him there). Ivy died this morning in her sleep. Neil rushes off to Susan.
[Tony] “That was very sudden. I know she’d been ill Tony … Bit of a choker though, isn’t it Pat. I had a lot of time for Ivy”
[Pat] “Me too”
And Will to Nic later on:
[Will] “Oh Nic. I really liked Ivy … she was great to me when I were married to Emma”
All the Horrobin’s start gathering (Keith, Stuart and Tracy – and of course) Gary and Clive but all of the organising, sorting, tidying falls to Susan.
Sudden death … hmmmm
Probably totally inappropriate to say this, but should we be suspicious that Ivy died in her sleep?
She died of heart failure, brought on by bronchial pneumonia. Susan reckons that Ivy’s heart just couldn’t take it anymore, after months of being ill.
But Neil did sound a bit suspicious. He was particularly keen to know what had gone onto the death certificate.
Clive? In Ivy’s bedroom, with a pillow???
Tony is still most decidedly unamused
With Tom’s pigs playing football.
Neil tells him that he and Chris had a right good laugh at it. But not only is Tony still utterly negative about it, he hasn’t even taken the time to see it yet!
[Tony] “There’s so much of that stuff on the internet. I don’t know what good it does”
But Tony can’t completely avoid Tom’s efforts for ever. Which he knows, and he agrees with Pat that they’ll have a meeting after lunch on Sunday.
But …
Brenda isn’t family
Tony will meet Tom to discuss his ideas, but it’s family only.
Which Tony reckons doesn’t include Brenda.
Though he leaves it to Pat to tell that to Tom.
[Tom] “You mean if I was married to Brenda that would be okay, but as we’re not she can’t come … that’s just stupid, especially with her expertise in marketing … sometimes I think he wants the whole thing to fail!”
[Pat] “That’s not fair, irrational he may be at times, but of course he wants to save Bridge Farm”
I’m not sure why Tony didn’t want Brenda there.
She is engaged to Tom. And there’s no reason to be scared about her (lack of) marketing prowess …
Underwoods cards and Roy as best man
Nic’s writing out invites to their wedding. On cards they bought from Underwoods (there was nothing suitable at the Village Shop).
Will’s decided to ask Roy to be his best man. Again.
And Nic is going to ask Helen, so that she can have a grown up alongside Mia.
Weddings do that to some folks. They suddenly become best buddies with folks they barely pass a word with.
I think the last time Helen and Nic spoke was when Helen babysat for them pre-Henry.
The Archers: Jazzer's being witty ... Helen sees the midwife ... Fallon finally gets told about Jolene's plans for The Bull
- Ugh. Tom with his shirt off.
- Jazzer's back!
- Patrick's still around
- "coming out all crust and no filling"
- At least Jazzer told Fallon!
- Chances are 1 in 800
- The position Helen prefers?
- Don't let Jolene do the VAT!
Ugh. Tom with his shirt off.
That was a horrid start to today's listening.
I don't care how hot that polytunnel was. Surely health and safety, or at least food hygiene, would dictate that Tom stay firmly clothed.
Surely!
Jazzer's back!
And on superb form.
"Shelly Brazil? She had to work in food with a name like that ... bit of a tough nut? Is the pieman called Julian Crust?"
"Have you seen the newlyweds? [They've been] buying paint. It turns my stomach. They're round like cottage like a pair of pensioners, with a wee pint of semi in the morning"
"That's lassie talk ... making a healthy breakfast, patting him on the heid and sending him aff to work - that isnae romance, it's penal servitude!"
"Poor wee chris has had a epidectomy if you ask me"
"This new pump jockey - is he married?"
Maybe much more to follow if he gets as jealous about Rhys as he did over Harry.
And Patrick's still around ...
Kirsty's helping out with the new hide at the nature reserve - with Patrick.
Still saying their just friends, what on earth is wrong with Kirsty, Fallon and Helen that there's been so many new single blokes turning up, yet not a hint of any interest?
Patrick. The new barperson Rhys. Harry the Milkman. The veg man's son. Gavin from North Wales ...
... why so many new men, but no distraction for the single ladies?
"coming out all crust and no filling"
Ach well Helen. That can happen to the best of us.
At least it's just the pies this time.
At least Jazzer told Fallon!
He may not have told her in the most subtle or helpful of way (could he ever be capable of such?), but at least Jazzer told Fallon what everyone else was saying.
Someone needed to tell her that she might be homeless anytime Jolene completely cracks.
Jolene's silence when Fallon confronted her about selling The Bull spoke volumes.
She's gone beyond all reasoning. While she noticed that Fallon had been working really hard, she didn't think to tell her that all of her work might be utterly wasted.
Still, Fallon's no better at times. As if a "little solo tour" would sort out all of Jolene's woes.
"it was Sid. He's everywhere I look ... every corner reminds him of me ... where he hit his head and couldn't curse because Marjorie Antrobus was there) ... doesn't matter who is pulling the pint, it's Sid I see way .. the way he folded his cuffs back ... the gray hairs on his wrist"
"I can't bear it everyday. It's just torture. Got to get out"
"It's the life I shared with Sid. Without him, I need a new life"
Which Fallon returned with:
"what about me?"
"I don't want somewhere ... I love this place ... I couldn't bear to leave ... everything I love is here ... the band, friends, the upstairs, even the old codgers who complain about the ale ... please don't take all that away from me"
Oh deary me. Fallon has managed to persuade Jolene to "give it a bit longer", but I don't think can end happily.
Either Jolene spends the rest of her days in the pub sloping around like a Zombie, or Fallon has to lose the pub.
Compromises aren't going to work.
Chances are 1 in 800
Oh come on Helen!
Amongst much, much more - your brother was killed by a tractor, your boyfriend killed himself, you were anorexic, your dead boyfriend's daughter got pregnant by your then boyfriend (who wasn't really your boyfriend - and you don't know he was the father ... yet) AND you're unlucky enough to be Tom's Sausages sister.
If I could place a bet on something against the odds happening to you, I most certainly would.
Helen's having a triple test, which "indicates certain conditions". Seemingly, it's more of a probability test than anything definite, but Kirsty was immediately worried what it could show.
So, rather than Helen miscarrying (maybe that could be Emma?), she might have a baby with a "condition".
Not that Helen thinks it would make any difference.
Good.
But I'm not so sure Helen will really cope with anything other than perfection.
Well, at least she'll have a birth plan. She likes those.
The position Helen prefers?
I agree with Kirsty.
Steady on!
Don't let Jolene do the VAT!
What crazy fool let that happen.
It'll put Jolene and Lilian in prison.
The Archers: the kids are getting kitted out for school … Helen’s organising a cookery demo … Susan’s trying to find a recipe … Nigel has a cunning plan
- Is boarding school less expensive than patent shoes?
- A female Jamie Olive in Ambridge!
- Antique furniture should not house vegetables
- Steak and kidney is alright for Clarrie and Eddie
- Allotments at Lower Loxley?
- Ed’s still on the artichoke hunt
- Is Helen fine?
Is boarding school less expensive than patent shoes?
I was a bit confused about Elizabeth saying that she couldn’t buy patent shoes for her kids (as she didn’t have money to burn), but that her and Nigel had put both Lilly and Freddie down for private school the moment they were born.
Maybe the cost of patent shoes have gone up since I was a kid (and had to stand in that strange foot measuring machine at Clarks).
And, maybe Nigel and Elizabeth have just decided that the kids away at boarding school is a good way to have them, but not have them in the house.
Kind of like having a dog but keeping it in an outside kennel …
A female Jamie Olive in Ambridge!
Who’d have thought it!
Helen’s very excited about this Shelly Brazil. Seemingly she’s a local chef with her own book, and is doing a demo to boost takings at Ambridge Organics.
To make sure they have an audience, Helen is calling everyone she (and Kirsty) knows.
Antique furniture should not house vegetables
Especially when the said vegetables are wrapped in yesterday’s newspaper.
Was Nigel having a go at Bert about the entire vegetable situation, or was he merely offended that Bert hadn’t made the effort to at least get the most recent newspaper?
God help us if it’d been The Sun.
Steak and kidney is alright for Clarrie and Eddie
But not for Brian and Jennifer.
According to Susan.
So it’s farce ahoy! Despite Pat’s advice to stick to a recipe she knows, Susan’s determined to try something new and exotic.
Oh dear.
Allotments at Lower Loxley?
Nigel is quite good at ignoring Elizabeth’s complete lack of enthusiasm for any of his ideas.
So shall we see hordes of keen amateur gardeners descending on Lower Loxley to grow their veg?
It’s a good idea. Maybe Nigel should speak to Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall about his landshare scheme.
Ed’s still on the artichoke hunt
Now he’s been trying Bert.
Is it just me, or shouldn’t Underwood’s have them?
Is Helen fine?
As I said yesterday, it’s all a bit suspicious that Emma’s pregnant at the same time as Helen.
It could mean one of them is in for a heartbreaker.
Pat thinks Helen looks tired, but Helen’s determined to be the epitome of healthy motherhood.
As much as I hope both Emma and Helen are okay, I really (muchly) hope that Helen doesn’t get yet another disappointment.
It’s be too much for any of us to cope with.
