Pondering The Archers: bert horrobin

Clive’s got a sore head

I bet he does.

Clive has had to call his boss, and his customers, to apologise for being late.

He’s slept in.

Daft laddie doesn’t realise he was drugged.

“He’s gone to Felpersham to meet some bloke about a Captain Pickard”

I wish Gary would speak.

He sounds hilarious!

[Bert] “He’s gone to Felpersham to meet some bloke about a Captain Pickard”

[Tracey] “Another one!”

Ha!

I reckon Gary could be a whole spin off eavesdropping episode of his own.

Tracy has a plan

Donna’s terrified.

[Donna] “What if he never woke up for the sleeping pills I gave him?”

She’s lucky she’s got Tracey onside, and willing.

Tracey tells Donna to call Clive, and ask her to pick her up from her house, in Ambridge.

Clive agrees to, but is fuming. He’s already behind with work after having slept in (though he still has no clue what happened).

When Clive turns up, Tracey will then call the Police. By the terms of Clive’s parole, he’s not allowed in Ambridge.

The Police nab Clive, Clive goes to prison, Donna’s free.

Bert saves Poochy

Also part of Tracey’s plan was to get Bert out of the house.

She asks him to go round to Donna’s to walk Poochy. Even paying for a minicab and giving him extra for a pint at The Bull while he waits for it.

When Bert gets into Donna’s, he can hear Poochy grumbling, but can’t find her.

Turns out Clive had locked her up (sounded like a cupboard) and her tied up.

Clive really should be sent to life in prison just for that alone.

Poochy saves everyone!

When Clive gets to Tracey’s, he’s not in a very good mood.

[Clive] “I’m just here to get what’s mine and then I’m gone.”

Though Tracey and Donna keep trying to stall him, and also make an excuse to use the phone, Clive keeps thwarting them.

When Clive catches Tracey trying to call, her smashes her mobile. Though she does manages to make the call from another phone when Clive’s busy beating on Donna.

But Daft Donna proves again she’s not that daft.

While she’d been sent to spruce herself up (by Clive), she lifted his car keys.

Clive goes berserk.

Donna’s trying to hide from him, but he breaks the door down, grans her hair and even bites her hand to try and get his keys.

Actually – very brutal and disturbing.

Tracey gets into the room as well, takes Clive’s keys, and chucks them out the window.

Clive hits Tracey.

[Clive] “Don’t think I’m going to forget about this Tracey, you’ll get what’s coming to you!”

[Tracey] “I’m not scared of you!!”

Atta girl Tracey.

Just when it looks like someone is going to get badly hurt. Bert turns up with Poochy. Who attacks Clive and keeps his from hurting anyone or running away.

(Poochy, not Bert!)

[Clive] “Call her off!”

[Donna] “No chance.”

We can hear Police sirens on the background.

[Tracey] “Listen Clive, hear that?”

[Clive] “You’ve dobbed me into the cops. I’m your brother!”

[Tracey] “You’ve brought it on yourself. Kiss it all goodbye, cause you’ll be back in jail for supper.”

Phew!

That was rather disturbing.

I don’t suppose Clive will ever be welcome by anyone Horrobin from hereon. Mind you, they say that every time …

Will Tracey also now forgive Emma for grassing?

And will Clive be put into the same Prison, wing, room … as Keith? That could make life even worse for Keith.

Saturday, 29 December 2012

Clive’s a total fruit loop: Thurs 20.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Thursday 20 December 2012

Tracey does really well in an interview
Donna’s kissing Clive while Poochy barks
Bert’s sprained his wrist
Clive gets nasty
Donna tells Tracey about Clive

Tracey does really well in an interview
I underestimated Tracey.

After hearing her interview, I’d have given her a job!

She’s trying for a waitress position.

Why did she leave her last job?

It was fulfilling, and didn’t leave her time with her kids.

Why does she want this job?

She likes working with food, and was a supervisor in her last role.

Why does she want to work in a restaurant?

She’s very easy to get on with (!)

The Tracey adds that she knows the importance of customer service. And that she can always tell how good the customer service is by the state of the ladies’ toilets. After all, folks want an experience, not just to eat.

Blimey! Tracey really is good at this. She must be a natural, as I can’t imagine her studying an Interview book.

Tracey gets offered the job there and then.

BUT the job offer is then retracted when Tracey’s asked for references. She can’t give them, as the school would only have bad things to say.

[Tracey] “What I know don’t matter.”

As a result of losing one job and not getting the other, Tracey has had to cancel the tablet she was going to gift Brad. She didn’t get deposit back. And reckoned the sales woman looked at her “like dirt”.

Tracey’s very down.

[Tracey] “I just don’t know how it all happened … Just because I gave that snooty teacher a piece of my mind.”

I do feel sorry for Tracey.

Donna’s kissing Clive while Poochy barks

Yuk!

Donna should listen to Poochy. She (he?) was growling with every breath, then broke out into barking.

But, Donna seems to really enjoy Clive’s attention. She’s even sleeping better, without her sleeping pills.

Clive demands that Poochy gets put outside. Donna at least protests that it’s too cold.

[Clive] “Put her in the kitchen Donna, eh. How can I concentrate on you properly with that dog giving me evils?”

He then makes her tell him that she missed her. After which, he kicks Poochy when Donna is out of the room. And then denies it.

[Clive] “Are you calling me a liar?”

Clive really is a bit of a scary creep.

He then tells Donna he doesn’t want them to fall out, because:

[Clive] “I’ve got some money for you. For the mortgage.”

He then tells her he should move in. Then he could pay the full mortgage every month.

[Clive] “And when the time’s right, you could even put me on the mortgage,. Then you wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore … now brew us a cup of tea, eh?”

What what what???

Clive is both evil and incredibly twisted.

But, Donna’s daft enough not to stand up to him.

Bert’s sprained his wrist

While standing on a stool, trying to get some drill bits.

He’s really been in the wars.

Someone needs to be keeping a closer eye on him.

Clive gets nasty

Donna tries to tell Clive that he’s going too fast for her.

[Clive] “We’ve known each other for years.”

[Donna] “Not in this way.”

Donna asks for them to take a breather over Christmas, but Clive’s not having it.

[Clive] “So, what are you planning to do for next month’s mortgage?”

Ah – trapped.

Clive then switches Donna’s phone off when it rings, then takes it away while he gets her a proper new one.

He then goes out.

[Clive] “And when I get back, I'm sure you can think of a nice way to thank me.”

Oh dear god.

This is horrible.

Donna tells Tracey about Clive

But Tracey’s to self-obsessed to hear Donna properly.

[Donna] “Tracey, I’ve gone and got mixed up with Clive … he’s moving in.”

[Tracey] “You what?”

[Donna] “At first, I just let him kiss me …”

[Tracey] “You did what?”

Tracey doesn’t hear Donna’s appeal for help. All she can hear is that Donna has cheated on Keith.

[Tracey] “Is this your sick idea of family loyalty, no wonder you need sleeping pills, I couldn’t live with myself let alone sleep at night!”

Who can Donna turn to now?

Donna goes for a drink with Clive: Tues 11.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 11th December 2012

Donna has financial woes
Tracey’s up in front of the head
Bert still wants to go to Susan’s
Tracey goes shopping
Keith got soap
Bert’s rambling
Tracey won’t help Donna
Clive’s there for Donna

Donna has financial woes

The bloke from the ‘Independent Financial Company’ is round hassling Donna for a repayment.

Daft woman took a loan from him.

[Loan bloke] “It’s a payday loan, today I get paid.”

When Donna tells him she hasn’t got the money on her, he forces her into his car to go to a cash machine.

Seems Donna owes the chap £540, but as she can’t make her full repayment today, he’ll take £200 and add on steeper interest. Once he’s got his money, he also refuses to take Donna back home.

[Loan bloke] “I’ll be back next Tuesday Donna. Merry Christmas.”

What a silly woman is that Donna.

When she’s later in seeing Keith, he tells her to tell Tracey about the loan shark. He also tries to help with the other bills, but the guards won’t let Donna show him. They take the paperwork away, and take Keith away from a strip search.

A tad overkill, but surely Donna can cope with paying bills herself – or even be capable of understanding a bill on her tod.

What can Keith do about it from prison?

Right enough, when Keith later on tries to call the electricity company to deal with the bill, he finds he can’t. Every number he wants to call must be on his cleared list. It’ll take until well after Christmas for the number to be approved.

Maybe Tracey can help ….

Tracey’s up in front of the head

It’s been established that Tracey was asleep while supposed to be supervising the kids, so she has to go to a hearing.

Hmmm.

Anyone else reckon Tracey will soon be claiming the dole again?

Bert still wants to go to Susan’s

Bert’s obviously worried about the quality of the Christmas dinner on offer at Tracey’s. She’s even had to get a frozen turkey, after missing out on all of the Grundy turkeys.

He reckons it’s stupid putting Tracey to such bother when Susan is already cooking.

[Bert] “It’s such a vexation for you. Susan likes cooking …”

Bert nearly (just nearly) said that Susan was a better cook, when pointing out that she does all the proper trimmings.

Of course, Tracey does not concur.

[Tracey] “All that fuss over chucking a turkey into an oven for a few hours, and boiling up loads of sprouts … she always did think she was a cut above …”

Though as Tracey said that, she also put two bags of sprouts on her shopping list.

Later on, Bert realises Tracey’s making a real effort, and drops all talk of going to Susan’s.

Phew!

I doubt Emma and Tracey could have sat at the same table without coming to blows.

Tracey goes shopping

Though Bert reckons he doesn’t need anything, Tracey wants to get him a treat.

She’s also getting presents for Emma’s kids.

[Tracey] “It’s not their fault if their mother is a cold callous backstabber, is it?”

And while she’s there, she gets tablets for both of her kids.

Has Tracey got that sort of money to start off with?

Keith got soap

Donna’s visiting Keith. She’s not enjoying the experience. Some chap keeps staring at her.

[Donna] “The bloke with the two fingers tattooed on the back of his head.”

The chap is talking to a woman who is likewise staring at Donna and Keith.

[Donna] “I don’t like the look of her. Very common.”

(ha!)

Keith tells Donna the chap is from the gang. Who Keith grassed up. So are therefore not impressed with Keith.

Still, it’s not all bad for Keith. He tells Donna he managed to get a bar of soap.

[Tracey] “Last time I spoke to him he was trying to trade his cereal for some.”

What a life …

… course, it’s how own fault for setting fire to Brookfield’s barn.

Bert’s rambling

He’s been out fixing up a willow trellis for a climbing rose. In memory of the Nat King Cole song. In memory of Ivy.

Seems they met on a youth club ramble.

[Tracey] “It’s you that’s rambling.”

Tracey won’t help Donna

Donna takes Keith’s advice, and talks to Tracey about her money problems.

But Tracey won’t help.

Not. At. All.

She reckons she hardly has any money herself (true) and that Donna shouldn’t be worrying Keith with money problems (slightly true).

Donna reckons it’s Keith’s fault they’re in this mess.

[Tracey] “You’re sat there with a designer handbag and gold wrapped around your neck.”

Actually, Tracey gets quite aggressive at Donna. She’s obviously been annoyed with Donna for a few decades or so.

[Tracey] “You’ve had it easy all these years, Keith’s treated you like a princess.”

So. Keith can’t help. Tracey won’t help.

Who can Donna turn to?

Clive’s there for Donna

Donna goes out for a drink with Clive.

She’s feeling very sorry for herself. Very put upon, alone and now reckons Keith never had any time for her.

(she’s obviously never noticed he was out and about trying to keep her in the lifestyle she was accustomed. By legal and illegal means).

[Clive] “Think of me as your own personal shoulder to cry on.”

Oh dear …

Clive’s being ever so helpful: Thurs 06.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Thursday 6th December 2012

Tracey drove home … drunk!
A Horrobin family Christmas … of sorts
“Mrs Jones is a full head not a half head”
Clive has a job and a girlfriend
Bert has a fall
Tracey’s making schoolgirl errors

Tracey drove home … drunk!

Tracey has a terrible hangover, after getting a tad tight once Keith was sentenced to 4 years.

Bert reckons she was as badly drunk as after Ivy’s funeral.

Worse still, Tracey had driven herself back from Jaxx. Drunk.

No need at all!

That’s Tracey Horrobin well and truly off of my Christmas card list.

I’m glad she had to go off and be sick as Bert waxed lyrical about fry ups and egg yolks.

A Horrobin family Christmas … of sorts

Bert’s looking forward to his Christmas lunch.

Turkey. Port. Duck fat for the tatties.

He suggests they should maybe go to Susan’s … she is the better cook …

But Tracey won’t hear of it. Not with Emma there.

[Tracey] “She grassed your son, my brother, to the Police … and my sister, Susan, supported her. Let them stew. We’ll have Donna here and show them some real family loyalty.”

Nae luck Bert!

“Mrs Jones is a full head not a half head”

I have no idea what that means, but it means something to Donna while at work in her salon.

Clive has a job and a girlfriend

Donna has a visitor at work.

Clive Horrobin.

Seems he’s doing well. He has a job in a DIT store. And has a girlfriend call Jackie who does “ a lovely spag bol”.

His only interest in seeing Donna is to buy her a sandwich.

[Clive] “Come on. You can tell me how you’re coping. Everyone need a bit of support now and then”

Clive is in a position where can help Donna because:

[Clive] “Things are going my way now because I made it happen.”

(hmmm)

Clive asks Donna how she’s holding up financially, to which she starts crying.

So Clive gives her £10.

[Clive] “If you ever need help Donna, any help at all, you just give me a call anytime.”

(double hmmmmm)

Bert has a fall

Sounded like his legs just went from him.

Doesn’t bode well.

Tracey’s making schoolgirl errors

Tracey’s woken up by a teacher called Sarah. Tracey’s got crushed crayons stuck to her face.

[Teacher Sarah] “You might want to take that bit of clay out of your hair.”

Oops.

Tracey’s at work at school, and has been caught napping. She claims she’s not very well.

But worse still:

[Teacher Sarah] “Tracey, I just got a whiff of, are you drunk. You’ve not got the flu at all, you’ve got a hangover!”

Sarah tells Tracey that they can’t have “alcohol related issues in the school room”.

[Teacher Sarah] “We’ve all got problems Tracey, it’s just that we should leave them at the door of the classroom.”

Sarah reckons that even as a dinner lady, Tracey has influence on the kids.

[Teacher Sarah] “No matter how lowly our contribution.”

(meow!)

And off Sarah went, to tattle on Tracey to the head teacher.
Not that I disagree with Sarah being appalled Tracey was stinky of booze at a school.

But Sarah does sound like a bit of a snooty b*tch.

Just what Tracey needs in her life right now.

Saturday, 11 August 2012

Eddie buys a freezer: Thurs 02.08.12

The Archers Thursday 2nd August 2012

Poor Bert
Eddie’s a PR genius
Eddie buys a freezer
Brian nobbles Ian
Bridge Farm has good post
Brian’s a cheeky monkey
Ian and Adam have a barney

Poor Bert

Eddie reckons Joe’s gone round to Bert Horrobin’s to gloat at the recent news Keith is a firestarter.

[Eddie] “Yet another jailbird in that family.”

[Clarrie] “People in glass houses, Eddie …”

Quite.

Eddie’s a PR genius

And I mean that quite sincerely.

He’s ever so keen Clarrie reads The Echo.

[Clarrie] “When’s there anything remotely interesting in the Borchester Echo?”

Eddie is most insistent there is.

When Clarrie later reads The Echo while at work at Bridge Farm, she’s stunned to hysterics (in a laughing way, not a crying one).

[Pat] “ ‘A close shave with the beats of Ambridge’ … what’s Eddie got there?”

[Clarrie] “It’s one of his statues.”

Seems Eddie got an article about his brush with the beast.

It’s his and Joe’s plan to say that the wild boar they hit was only:

[Clarrie] “Fleeing in terror from a horrifying mutant creature."

But that’s not all.

In the article, Eddie’s described as:

[Clarrie] “A sculpture and ethnic artist.”

(that’s when she really starts laughing)

He talks about his studio (their shed, Clarrie reckons). And that he was inspired to make “£D representations of the creature”. Which just so happens to be for sale …

[Clarrie] “It was my duty as an artist to give people the chance to own a piece of Borsetshire history.”

[Pat] “Who’ve got to give him credit for trying.”

But Clarrie’s still focused on the wild boar meat. As I also wondered, she asked Pat if road kill can be sold.

Pat’s off to investigate.

Eddie buys a freezer

It’s rusty, but it works. Allegedly.

Eddie’s bought it to store the wild boar meat.

[Eddie] “You wanted it shot”

[Clarrie] “I wanted it buried in the ground!”

Then there’s the problem of where to put it.

Eddie reckons the shed. But where will the ferret cage go? (wonders Clarrie)

On the fridge. (reckons Eddie)

More worrying for Clarrie is that Eddie seems to have plans for that meat (again). He hasn’t dropped the idea that he could be making money from it.

Brian nobbles Ian

Brian tells Ian that Home Farm won the arable contract.

[Brian] “So, we need to find a way forward with staffing.”

[Ian] “Without Adam, you mean.”

[Brian] “Well I hope not Ian … Now we know where we are, I’m hoping you can change his mind … Well I know he and I have had our differences, but if Home Farm is anything, it’s a family business. And Adam’s been a major part of that since he came back from Africa, I don’t want to see him throw away everything we’ve built up together.”

[Ian] “Is that so?”

[Brian] “Of course!”

[Ian] “Well, you have a funny way of showing it … do you know how badly you’ve handled this situation. Your attitude’s been like it or lump it the whole way through.”

[Brian] “Well I don’t think that’s fair.”

[Ian] “Is it any wonder he feels the way he does?”

[Brian] “I don’t think there’s any point in raking up the past, we are where we are. Maybe I could have handled things better … as far as Adam’s future is concerned, surely we’re on the same side?”

As Brian then points out to Ian, if Adam decides not to accept the inevitable at Home Farm, Ian might have to move.

[Ian] “Alright. I’ll see what I can do.”

Oh dear.

I don’t disagree with Ian trying to convince Adam to not leave Ambridge (as Adam really hasn’t thought of Ian at all throughout this … and leave Ambridge!?! Who would ever???).

But that Ian will be seen to be siding with Brian can only leady to friction.

Bridge Farm has good post

For once.

Seems their insurance company has paid out on all the claims. And no-one has permanent damage.

So, the E.coli is officially over.

[Pat] “I wouldn’t like to live like something through that again.”

[Clarrie] “If I could go back and change things.”

[Pat] “As far as I’m concerned, it’s all in the past, the future is what counts now.”

Brian’s a cheeky monkey

Brian was placing an advert by phone

I didn’t think that happened anymore. I thought you had to design your recruitment advert, then pay again for it to go through pre-flights.

Not at the Borchester Echo, it seems. Brian called up with a recruitment advert, reading the copy out over the phone.

How quaint!

Anyhoo – the advert is for a Farm Manager … which is Adam’s alleged role.

[Brian, still ready out his copy] “This is a great opportunity, for an experienced manager, who is used to taking initiative …”

(aye, as long as your initiative fits in with Brian’s 5 year plan!)

[Brian, still ready out his copy] “Home Farm has a proven track record as an equal opportunities employer.”

Pfffft!

What a nerve!

Ian and Adam have a barney

Adam’s telling Ian how much he enjoys being around Pavel.

[Adam] “Really inspiring to work with someone who’s still got all their ideals intact.”

He reckons Poland’s got farming right. Pavel’s active in a campaign to start industrial farming, which he reckons should have happened in Britain in the 70s and 80s.

[Adam] “It would be really good to spend some time out there.”

[Ian, shouting] “Oh for god sake, will you listen to yourself … Africa … Hungry, Poland … anywhere but Ambridge. So where does that leave me?”

Oops.

You know things are very, very bad when Ian raises his voice.

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Kylie’s back 20.02.12

The Archers Monday 20th February 2012

There’s somebody at the door
Tony’s avoiding Tom
Now Helen wants to meet Rich?

There’s somebody at the door

It’s Kylie to see Bert.

She reckons she can read and visit him at the same time. (she’s back in Ambridge as she has a reading week from Uni).

[Bert] “The first one in the family to go to a u-niversity”

Bert’s very proud of his granddaughter. Especially considering she’s Clive’s daughter, who, Bert reckons, has “led a life of ruin”.

Wonder where Clive got his naughty habits from?

As Bert is chatting to kylie, he mentions that Gary hasn’t got out of his pit yet, and:

[Bert] “Eh, that’s his washing there”

So Kylie goes to put it in the washing machine for them …

Bert’s a crafty auld yin alright. And he’s very much looking forward to Tracey moving in. though I suspect that’s more to do with Bert having a cook and cleaner, rather than him getting to spend more time with his daughter and grandkids (as he claims).

But Bert also still has his eye on Neil.

He calls Neil to mention that “poor old Gary” hasn’t had his room done. So maybe Neil could come back and do it as well.

We didn’t get to hear Neil’s reply …

Tony’s avoiding Tom

After shouting at him yesterday.

Now Helen wants to meet Rich?

Kylie turns up at Bridge Farm to say hello.

She seems to be fine about Tony and Pat constantly shifting the conversation back to Rich.

Helen was behaving a bit oddly. At one point, she complimented Kylie on her earring – and how they matched her eyes … eh?

Anyhoo, Kylie is happy to be back at bridge Farm.

[Kylie] “Hey I remember this kitchen. It was always really warm in here”

Tony reckons that was because she was used to living in the caravan.

After Kylie has left to get a lift back to the village with Helen:

[Tony] “Thank god she didn’t inherit Clive’s genes”

[Pat] “She’s a sweetie”

In the car with Helen, Kylie is saying she remembers “uncle John” and his music decks.

She also tells Helen that Sharon has never encouraged Rich to find out about John because she’s so protective of him.

[Kylie] “He is curious … that he sometimes wonders where he’s come from … rich would
still like to know about his real father, he’s said it to me more than once”

But, Rich has got to the age where he doesn’t seriously want to ask his mum to let him find out more.

[Kylie] “I don’t mind. But it’s not very fair on Rich … I feel sad he’s missing out on knowing Tony and Pat. They’re so lovely”

[Helen] “They’re aching to get to know Rich Kylie. So am I … John meant everything to me … his death has left a terrible scar on the family, a scar Rich might be able to help heal one day”

[Kylie] “That’s a big ask for a little lad”

Sensing Kylie might be an ally, Helen asks her if she’ll speak to Sharon. Or, if she herself (Helen) should talk to Sharon.

[Kylie] “I’m sorry. But she’s not going to change her mind about this. Trust me”

Ah – but Kylie has shown herself to be a possible in.

And I’m surprised Helen now sounds just as keen as Pat and Tony for Rich to be a real part of the family.

As we all know, what Helen wants, Helen generally gets.

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Valentine’s Day 14.02.12

The Archers 14th February 2012

Neil’s final stroke … or not
Will and Nic’s luxurious Valentine’s Night
Alice and Chris’ low budget Valentine’s Night
Keeping the Royal fires burning
Lynda’s a Master
The Parish Council on the Super Dairy

Neil’s final stroke … or not

Bert’s pouring his thanks and deepest gratitude onto Neil for all the work he’s done on his (and Tracey’s … unknown to Neil and Susan) house.

Tracey hasn’t been getting on so well with her and the kids’ room. Seems that though the kids are on half term, they’re help with the painting wasn’t of much help:

[Bert] “No. That didn’t end happy. Just as well it were emulsion. We’d never have got that much gloss out of Chelsea’s hair … it were Brad, tried to use her as a paintbrush”

But that’s not Neil’s problem.

He makes his “final stroke” and heads off to the Parish Council Meeting.

But, on returning from the Parish Council meeting to Bert’s (to take the masking tape off), Bert is still waxing lyrical … he has an agenda.

[Bert] “Transformed this place, you have. I’d never have thought it possible … it’ll see me out, I reckon … there is just one thing … with everything else looking so grand … the hall. I can’t help thinking it’s made it look real dingy, in comparison like”

[Neil, smelling more work ahoy] “Well, it’s a case of where you draw the line, innit”

(Innit? Innit??? When did Mr Neil Carter start saying “innit”???)

[Bert] “Oh, shame to spoilt the ship for a ha'pworth of tar”

(which is something about spoiling something by prioritising a small saving).

And anyway, Bert reckons having the hall done “would see me out proper”.

Emotional blackmail. Difficult to sidestep.

So Neil agrees to also do the hall.

[Neil] “But that’s it then, definitely”

Ha! Even Neil can’t believe that one.

Will and Nic’s luxuriousValentine’s Night

Involves Will looking smart, and a four course meal at The Feathers (with champagne).

Will also gave Nic a pair of lovely earrings.

[Chris] “Yeah, after this you can coast for the next 30 years!”

At Nic and Will’s meal, Nic gets a bit overexcited.

[Nic] “Oh my god! It’s a work of art … I’ve never seen anything like it, at least not on a plate”

But there’s more. Nic's a bit worried about having another glass of champagne as they haven’t discussed who is driving home,

But she needn’t worry. Will’s sorted it.

[Will] “We’re going to stay here. I’ve booked us a room”

Clarrie’s over at theirs looking after the kids, so Will and Nic are free to enjoy a night away.

Nic reckons she’s being spoilt:

[Nic] “No you’re no. Nothing can spoil you. You're perfect”

Aw. Sweetness itself.

My word, how Will has changed.

Thank Nic!

Alice and Chris’ low budget Valentine’s Night

[Alice] “We’re doing it low budget stylely”

They got a DVD, and Double Happiness

(the name of the Chinese restaurant they’ve got a takeaway from, not something kinky)

[Nic] “Oh lovely. A cosy takeaway in front of the telly”

Though Nic wouldn’t quite be ready to swap it for her swanky night out.

Alice also tells Chris to keep his money in his pocket when some bloke (with, what I imagine, is a bucket of roses) offers them to him and Will for the ladies. £4 Alice would rather he saved.

Later, back at home, Alice discovers that Chris has made decorations:

[Alice] “beautiful like a real oriental restaurant”

And the man carved carrot!

[Alice] “Much better than some hot house rose wrapped in cellophane”

Keeping the Royal fires burning

At the Parish Council meeting, they’re talking about celebrations for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.

Lynda’s keen for a beacon.

Seems on the 4th of June, there will be beacons lit across the UK, starting with the Queen setting one alight. All Ambridge needs to do is apply to be one of the 2012.

[Jill] “That’s a lot, isn’t it?”

But seems they had 1800 for the Golden Jubilee.

Lynda’s a Master

Along with the beacon:

[Neil] “Oh there’s a job .. pageant master. Not many of those about!”

[Lynda] “Well I do to think of myself as Ambridge’s unofficial pageant master …”

The plan would be to have the beacon on Lakey Hill.

Which, as Jill pointed out, they’d done for the Silver. Oddly, Lynda seem to be irritated at Jill saying anything during this meeting.

When Lynda said she’d contact David for permission to use Lakey Hill

[Jill] “Or I could .. he is my son”

[Lynda] “No, as I am, as it were, beacon master”

[Neil] “Mistress”

[Lynda] “Or indeed mistress … I think it best that we go through official channels”

Eh? Why is Lynda trying to shut Jill out?

Anyhoo – they get onto who should build the beacon (Mike), and whether they should hold their own pageant. But they don’t want to clash with the official one, so settle on a street party (on the green – the ‘street’ but doesn’t matter, it would seem) type picnic just before or after the official celebrations.

There was murmurs of approval from the rest of the committee for that.

Jill and Audrey are to organise the party (which Lynda didn’t object to – she is being very inconsistent tonight), and they’ll also dig out the maypole from under the village hall stage.

Marvellous.

Proper Britishness (without the jingoism).

The Parish Council on the Super Dairy

Well, we didn’t really get to hear what was said. Just the post discussion discussion.

[Neil] “I’m just saying Borchester Land have a light to be heard … there is an argument for this type of unit”

[Lynda] “Yes, a financial one”

But they will hear BL out anyway at another meeting. And Jill’s definitely going to be there.

[Jill] “Pat rang me earlier. Geeing me up. I was going to be there anyway!”

Quite right. Jill was the original agitator, after all.

[Lynda] “I think it’s vital anyone opposed to this plan, which is really anyone who cares a jot about animals or the environment, needs to be there. Borchester Land have money and resources on their side. We need to match them. If we can”

There we go.

BL has nae chance. Lynda and Jill have joined the affray!

Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Two drunk old(er) blokes in a bathroom 31.01.12

The Archers Tuesday 31st January 2012

Bill goes for Hassle
Bert and Joe have a night in
David talks to Oliver than Ruth
Neil and Susan have a night in

Bill goes for Hassle

Bill has something to do with Hassett Lamb – and he’s seemingly given the go ahead for Pip’s celebrity lamb.

They’re also going to give her some money to get it up and running.

Well done Pip.

Still not convinced giving lamb a personality will help it sell.

Isn’t it more a case of lamb being too cute to market?

Bert and Joe have a night in

(Bert Horrbin, rather than Bert Fry that is)

They bump into each other at The Bull and Joe suggests that as Bert is home alone for the night, he might as well come over and they share some of his cider.

Bert does readily concur.

They get a bit merry.

So, of course, decide to help Neil out with the tiling …

… when they finish, all seems well.

Just a small bit of grout oozing through.

Only one cracked tile. That they managed to stick back together and get it onto the wall.

And most of the border tiles are on the right way round.

[Joe] “Near enough!”

[Bert] “Ah. Job done, as the young ‘uns say”

Neil will be pleased …

David talks to Oliver than Ruth

David calls Oliver. He says he needs a word with him, and it’s something he can’t discuss with Ruth.

Oh dear.

Neil and Susan have a night in

We eavesdrop in just as Neil and Susan are finishing their bottle.

We don’t hear much about the promised chilli (and Tracey’s kids are there asleep, so no swinging off of chandeliers!), but Susan has a surprise for Neil.

After telling Neil how lucky she is to have met him (comparing her lot to Tracey – who, though had everything she wanted when she was a child, has struggled to find her place in the “real world”, including a decent man), she takes him upstairs to show him something …

… the doll house.

Though Susan has cleaned it up, Neil still reckons Emma won’t let Keira play with it. It’s still not in a good enough “state”.

A door is off of its hinges. The lino is coming up. It’s a sad wee sight.

Though Neil has plenty on at the moment, he offers to work on it – especially as they both agree Susan isn’t good at “fiddly” (*snort*).

[Neil] “It’ll be a nice little project, once I’ve finished at your dads … the end is in sight”

Ah – spoke too early there Neil.

Friday, 13 January 2012

Tom’s meatballs 11.01.12

The Archers Wednesday 11th January 2012

Tom’s fragile
Why Tom so surprised to see Brenda putting makeup on?
Meatballs on a stick impress Tom
A use for uncle Gary!
Emma don’t want no crockery
George Barford and Walter Gabriel
Tracey makes Bert sign
Happy wee Grundy people
Clarrie’s a bludger
Tom’s on about kids again …

Tom’s fragile

Seems he needs a “pint or two of coffee” and painkillers.

We didn’t hear him at Pat’s Party, but sounds like he had a good time.

Though Matt and Lilian were still up when they left at 3am … when Brenda later say Lilian at work, Lilian only came down after lunchtime, asked what messages there were, then went off not to be seen again.

Why Tom so surprised to see Brenda putting makeup on?

It might have just been because they had both been out so late (so why bother making yourself up when you stink of booze!), but wonder if it’s because Brenda doesn’t make an effort anymore …

… not that I think women have to wear make-up to be making an effort. Just that I’ve always imagined bust Brenda as a lady who slaps it on …

Meatballs on a stick impress Tom

He really is easily pleased, is that boy.

Tom was really taken with the meatballs on sticks served at Pat’s party last night. They came with a “yummy” dipping sauce.

Tom checked with the caterers – the sauce had tomatoes and red peppers, and the meatballs had apple and a little bit of chilli.

(what meat, though?)

So he’s off on one again.

A pork ready meal of meatballs, with pasta.

Brenda gets cooking …

Later on, as they’re chatting about Tom getting an email from a buyer he’s been chasing:

[Brenda] “The one you’ve been relentlessly badgering?”

[Tom] “The one I’ve been gently nurturing!”

(well it doesn’t seem to be working, whichever way you look at it. The chap emailed to thank him for his call, but that he wasn’t interested … don’t call us, we’ll call you)

And that Tom will also need more sausages for the Farmhouse Week promotion at The Bull and also now at Jaxx.

Tom seems to get a bit overexcited.

He thinks the meatballs are better than the goulash (shock) AND the chilli (no, never!).

[Tom] “This is just what the ready meals market has been waiting for!”

Has it really?

Ach well.

I suppose I can grudgingly admire him for his enthusiasm.

A use for uncle Gary!

Gary is driving Tracey’s kids to and from school. On time, and without prompting.

Which gives Tracey time to look for a job. And her kids think Gary is a better driver than Tracey … or at least he doesn’t swear as much:

[Tracey] “It’s not like I swear at the dad kids, cause I don’t …”

She just swears at other drivers while her kids are in the car.

Classy.

It’s lucky that Gary has found something useful to do, as there aren’t any places at Lower Barrett at the moment.

[Bert] “Well. it’s nice to think of Gary being a bit of use”

George Barford and Walter Gabriel

Seems George had made the Casa Nueva wooden sign for Will (and Emma).

And Clarrie was remembering what she and Eddie were given when they got married.

Including wooden willows from Walter Gabriel. Who Nic hadn’t heard of.

[Will] “He was a proper old Borchestershire bloke”

Neil got them a recipe book (for her) and a cowboy book called Bad Men and Badlands (for him).

Nic thinks books were a strange wedding present:

[Clarrie] “None of us had much money in them days, and lists at Underwoods were not for the like of us!”

Emma don’t want no crockery

Will thinks Emma told Nic that she (Emma) had chosen Casa Nueva.

Typical Emma. Can’t stand not being thought of every time someone walked into that house.

Nic asking for their cottage’s name to be changed has made him realise how much else of Emma is still left in that house. None of which he needs now that he and Nic have wedding presents to replace them.

He has fairly decent crockery that he and Emma had been given for their wedding, albeit now a few pieces are missing. So, he thought Emma might like them.

[Will] “I don’t know if I caught her at a bad moment or not, but she gave me a right earful. ‘What makes me think she’s got room for my casts offs, there some things she doesn’t want reminding of, thank you very much’ … ”

Will was thinking of taking them to a charity shop, but Clarrie stops him to say he should give them to Eddie to sell at a car boot sale.

Just imagine the fallout if any of it turns out to be properly valuable …

Tracey makes Bert sign

Tracey is definitely more Clive than Susan …

She’s written up the housing association letter (to make her a joint tenant with her dad):

[Tracey] “I do know how to type dad. And there’s no need to bother Susan with this”

And without further ceremony, she gets Bert to sign it there and then.

Happy wee Grundy people

[Jake] “My mum is called Mrs Grundy now, so we’re going to be called Grundy too”

Seems Jake and Mia decided they want to be Grundy’s all on their own.

[Mia] “Look Clarrie, I wrote it on my school book”

Clarrie is almost in tears.

Mia and Jake Grundy.

Clarrie asks them if they want to call her grandma, like George does.

Which they do.

That sets Clarrie off weeping proper!

Sweet.

I’m really enjoying this wee bit of happiness in Ambridge. Especially as it’s calmed down Will ever so.

Clarrie’s a bludger

I’m only teasing.

Quite right that she’s claiming benefit.

And she’s finally received her first payment. Which she’s used part of to buy Nic and Will some welcome home chocolates.

[Clarrie] “it’s lovely to have a little bit of money of me own”

Tom’s on about kids again …

*sigh*

Jazzer’s been harassing him about being so hung-over. He reckons Tom’s too old for partying into the wee hours.

[Tom] “I can’t take the pace anymore, time to settle down …”

[Brenda] “You’re not allowed to talk like that until; you’re 40!”

[Tom] “Ah, when we have kids …”

[Brenda] “I intend to grow old Disgracefully, like Lilian”

Goon on ya Brenda.

Keep him off the topic of procreation.

Though, sorry, but you’ll never be a Lilian …

Monday, 9 January 2012

PR disaster for Brian: 08/01/12

(ha!)

The Archers Sunday 8th January 2012

Christmas, recycled
Ruairi’s back to school
Queen’s Diamond Jubilee
Brian goes all Victor Meldrew
Tracey pulls a crafty one

Christmas, recycled

Brian’s making use of Mike’s big chipper …

[Brian] “That’s Christmas done for another year”

[Mike] “Your tree lives on …”

[Brian] “You’ve just reduced it to a pile of chippings!”

[Mike] “Which will be composted and go to nourish the next generation of plants”

That’s one way of doing it.

I just get a tree with roots, and plant it. I’ll have no garden by the time I retire!

Ruairi’s back to school

And seems quite happy to be so.

Though he wasn’t as happy when Brian couldn’t take him there at the last minute.

That Super Dairy is already coming before family.

Just ask Adam.

Queen’s Diamond Jubilee

[Mike] “Are we doing anything for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee?”

Blimey – I didn’t even know it was due.

But seems so. 2nd-5th June 2012.

Brian remembers the Silver Jubilee, which was in 1977. He recalls it with a groan, as he was on the organising committee.

As was Neil. Who was there representing the Youth Club …

… while I do accept that Neil was also once a youngster, he was 20 in 1957. Maybe he was just a later bloomer.

And Mike got to light the beacon.

Anyhoo – seems there’s a scheme to plant jubilee oak trees (similar to the silver jubilee, where one could sponsor a tree). This time, saplings have been grown from acorns grown on royal estates.

Nice idea.

But where (oh where) shall they put them, Mike and Neil wonder.

Brian goes all Victor Meldrew

[Brian] “What! I don’t believe it?”

Seems the Echo has called Annabelle to get a statement about the Super Dairy.

[Brian] “Who told them???”

They’re going to “splash” a story about the Super Dairy on Thursday.

Though Brian reckons they’ve got “confused facts”, he knows it’ll be damaging whether true or not. He reckons their take on it will be that:

[Brian] “This is the latest scheme by the incompetent bunch who brought you Borchester’s accident prone livestock market …”

And Debbie won’t be amused:

[Brian] “The last thing she said to me on Friday is that PR will make or break this scheme”

Brian really isn’t a happy bunny.

[Brian] “It’s a good news story, Jenny. That’s what’s so frustrating! The cows thrive in this type of setup, it’s designed for their wellbeing, An integrated system like this, with an AD energy plant, is about as environmentally friendly as you can get!”

(answers for what an AD energy plant is, on a postcard, c/o NO. 73)

[Jennifer] “And you’ll be creating jobs”

[Brian] “Quite, but what’s the Echo going with? That we’re a bunch of incompetents dabbling in some grotesque kind of factory farming … we’ll be really lucky if we’ll manage to row back from this”

[Jennifer] “Do you have any idea who could have leaked this story?”

[Brian] “Now I can’t get rid of this nagging suspicion that someone’s blabbed …”

Well, course they have! If someone hadn’t told the Echo, the Echo wouldn’t know.

So – odds on for Adam?

Though what about Pip?

Tracey pulls a crafty one

Tracey’s at home (well, Bert and Gary’s) cooking tea.

[Tracey] “It’s lovely being here. Back in the old homestead”

Bert’s asking her about whether she’s decided to move in. Or not.

She says she is very tempted.

He says it would “mean the world” to him, especially as the house feels so empty.

[Bert] “I always knew where your mum was, when she wasn’t chatting, she were singing”

[Tracey] “Or coughing …”

(Oh come on! That’s a bit nasty)

Seems Bert has to turn the TV on for company, especially when Gary goes out.

But, Tracey is going on about “future” and “security” again. She spells it out. She’s worried that if something happened to Bert, she would be out on her ear. So:

[Tracey] “How would you feel about putting the house in my name?”

[Bert] “Eh?”

[Tracey] “As well as yours, obviously”

Tracey claims she wants to take responsibility as well as provide a future for her kids. Help make sure the rent and the bills and such.

[Bert] “What about Gary … what would happen to him?”

[Tracey] “Nothing. It wouldn’t affect him. He’d just carry on the way he always has”

(Oh be scared Gary. It’ll be a cardboard box if push comes to shove)

AND Tracey has already phoned the housing association to see if it’s okay for her to be a joint tenant. Which it is. And as Bert is worried about contacting them, she’ll even write the letter for him.

[Bert] “Well, in that case, if you think that’s the way to go … alright then”

Do we wonder whether Susan and Neil will be so happy that Tracey is moving out, they won’t notice her ploy?

We don’t get to eavesdrop in on Tracey telling Neil the full story, but she is already twisting it into her doing Bert a favour:

[Tracey] “The thing he can’t stand is the quiet … it reminds him, happy family time … I thought you’d like to know that you’re getting shot of us at last!”

[Neil] “And it’s definite this time, is it …”

And she says the ball is now in Neil’s court.

He better get painting.

Saturday, 7 January 2012

The BL Board votes 05/12/12

The Archers Thursday 5th January 2012

Brian’s back on track
Bert asks Tracey to come home
Why does Gary have bunkbeds?
Andrew Eagleton has a problem

Brian’s back on track

In his own, humble (!) opinion.

He has managed to get three arable farmers to agree to be suppliers for their Super Dairy, which means he has a “viable plan B” to put to the BL Board – who are voting today on whether to go ahead.

Even if the BL Board do vote it through, Debbie still hasn’t managed to get Adam onside.

[Debbie] “I just had a chat with Adam … I don’t know what his problem is …”

In Debbie’s opinion, Adam has got everything he wants – Home Farm to be kept the way it is, steering clear of the Super Dairy. She thinks he’s now just being petulant.

[Brian] “He simply can’t accept that this is the way farming is going”

Bert asks Tracey to come home

Tracey was telling Bert that she’s thinking of moving back (to wherever she came from). Not to get back with Den:

[Tracey] “Reckon he’s as glad to see the back of me as I am of him”

But to her own place. She can’t cope with the long school run anymore, but can’t afford somewhere in Ambridge.

[Bert] “Susan said … well, I was wondering actually … how would it be if you moved back in here?”

Tracey initially says an outright no, They just wouldn’t all fit in.

[Tracey] "So this was Neil’s idea? Bet it was ..."

Bert explains Neil’s plans for creating another bedroom. Tracey could have her old bedroom back (the one she used to share with Susan).

[Bert] “Have it all to yourself now!”

And the kids would have his old room. He reckons he’s not getting much sleep anyway, in his big bed alone.

And a massive bonus would be that they kids would have a garden to play in. They didn’t have that before.

[Tracey] “How would you feel about having them here? You know what Brad’s like, he can’t sit still for 5 minutes and he doesn’t have a volume control … and Chelsea’s is not much better… but you were young then, you could cope with the racket, you want some peace and quiet now”

But Bert reckons he’ll have peace in the grave … and he can have his own TV in his room, and always just go out.

[Bert] “I’d love for you to come home Tracey, really I would”

Tracey sounds nearly convinced, but she wants to sleep on it.

Why does Gary have bunkbeds?

He really is odd.

Andrew Eagleton has a problem

[Brian] “Me, essentially, he thinks I’ve lost all credibility”

He scoffs his way through Debbie’s presentation, and questions them on the lack of control they’ve now got by having to use external suppliers. Who are they/ Can they be depended on? Surely they’ll ditch the Super Dairy if a better offer comes long.

Brian reckons he’s “rubbed shoulders” with two of them at NFU meetings.

[Andrew] “So you don’t actually know them?”

Erm, no. he doesn’t.

And what about the fact that Brian couldn’t convince Adam to work with them? How can the BL Board know he’ll manage the other suppliers properly?

[Debbie] “Units like this offer a very good deal to the farmers involved .. .a guaranteed purchaser .. .Adam has no experience in these things, I do”

As they have a comfort break (the meeting sounded like the House of Commons to me – lots of baritone murmurings. Thankfully none of the fake guffawing), Brian is not happy with Andrew.

[Brian] “I could happily punch his lights out!”

[Debbie] “He’s alienating the rest of the Board by banging on like that, so keep calm and let me do the talking”

Which he does. Debbie closes her presentation by saying that she’d be project managing the Diary (still from Hungry). I had thought she might be returning …

Anyway, it goes to the vote. And they turn off the secret microphones …

Brookfield to stop dairy? 04/01/02:

The Archers Wednesday 4th January 2012

Gary nearly burnt the house down
How was Neil’s Christmas?
Susan convinces Bert
Jill isn’t sentimental
Debbie hasn’t won friends at Brookfield

Gary nearly burnt the house down

Seems he was cooking sausages when the phone rang. Susan later arrives to find the house stinking of smoke, and her dad trying to clean the burnt pan.

[Susan] “If you’ve got a frying pan on the stove, you don’t leave the room!”

Is Gary useless, or is he special?

[Susan] “I don’t know dad, you and Gary, you need someone to look after you full time”

Bert isn’t even sure if he’s had breakfast yet. So Clarrie does him some toast, while buttering him up for her crafty plan to be rid of Tracey and her kids.

How was Neil’s Christmas?

Asks Jill.

[Neil] “I’ve had more relaxing times with a yard full of hungry weaners!”

Susan convinces Bert

[Susan] “The point is, Tracey would like to stay in the village, not least so she can carry on looking after you and Gary, you’re not making much of a fist of looking after yourselves, are you? …What we thought was, wouldn’t it make sense for the Tracey and the kid to move into here”

[Bert] “Here … there isn’t room … there’s only the one bedroom spare”

Susan rightly points out that he and Ivy managed to bring up 6 Horrobins in the same house. And she tells him of Neil’s plan to turn the dining room into Bert’s bedroom, with the pantry as an en suite.

[Bert, horrified] “In the pantry!”

But he does see the sense in Tracey moving in. For his and Gary’s sake, as well as meaning Tracey can live back in Ambridge.

[Susan] “Be best coming from you, dad”

Neil’s happiness now depends on Bert convincing Tracey. Susan tells Neil:

[Susan] “I don’t think he’s all that keen on having Brad and Chelsea there … Dad reckons she’s not going to happy swapping this house for no. 6”

Not a very confident start.

Jill isn’t sentimental

She’s at Brookfield seeing a rather depressed David and Ruth.

The Environmental Agency has been in to examine the slurry lagoon. While they’ve confirmed that the lagoon has sufficient capacity to comply with new regulations, they’re also saying that it will need to be relined.

Which will cost a cool £20,000.

Or, Brookfield cold get a whole new system, involving a tank and a new way of dealing with waste water. But that would cost about the same amount.

But it’s all academic. Either which way they go, Brookfield doesn’t have £20,000. And with their current balance sheet, they might struggle to get a bank loan.

[David] “If those damn badgers hadn’t chosen to start their excavations now, we wouldn’t have had to do anything for a couple of years”

And now that Brookfield is on the radar of the Environmental Agency (who weren’t chuffed that their NVZ records were behind), they can expect a lot more checking and potential interference.

Jill remembers that Phil had problems with the lagoon. He used local clay to fix it, but seems it’s now deemed “insufficiently impermeable”.

[Ruth] “There’s no way we can do a DIY job on this one, I’m afraid”

[David] “I’m seriously wondering whether it’s worth it … should we cut out losses and sell the herd”

[Ruth] “It’s absolutely a last resort,. And it would break my heart … Brookfield without a dairy herd. What would Phil say?”

[Jill] “I think Phil would understand. He trusted your business sense … well, we can’t afford to be sentimental, can we?”

[Ruth] “I’m praying it doesn’t have to come to that. there’s got to be another way”

Debbie hasn’t won friends at Brookfield

Jill was telling Ruth and David that Debbie and Elizabeth have made up (and retold that they’d fallen out 9 years ago because Elizabeth knew about Brian and Siobhan’s affair).

[David] “So, if I wait for another 8 years, maybe Elizabeth will consider speaking to me again?”

Ruth is not a big fan of Debbie at the moment:

[Ruth] “So, she turns up here last night, and says I hear you might be going out of dairy, so would you like to reconsider our offer. As if supplying fodder to this glorified milk factory would in some way compensate for the loss of our precious cows. I mean, how insensitive can you get!”

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Ambridge Extra Thursday 3rd November 2011: Clive thinks he is smarter than Matt

Sloppy seconds
Clive really is a w*nker
Alistair approves of Erin’s wheels
And now Clive goes for the money shot …
Shula’s setting up Erin

Sloppy seconds

Clive’s doing some dodgy deal with Bernie.

Sounds like he’s buying a bathroom from Bernie. It’s a second hand one (how does that happen, by the way?) which Clive is going to sell onto Matt as new.

Clive fits the bathroom – but Matt does spot that there are marks on them.

But, Clive twists it round. He reckons that’s the way he got them from Bernie, and Bernie won’t be happy if they complain. If Bernie isn’t happy, they can’t do any more deals. Which means having to buy in more expensive stock. And anyway, it’s only a rental property.

Matt seems to fall for it.

Clive – to himself - like taking sweets from a baby – who is using who now Mr big shot. You’re not as smart as you think you are

Hmmm.

I think matt has underestimated Clive, but Clive would do well to also not underestimate Matt.

Clive really is a w*nker

Clive is being horrible to Bert. His dad. Recently widowed (husband of the recently departed Ivy).

He’s taken him out to the pub, but Clive really interested in looking after or helping Bert.

It’s all about Clive, Clive, Clive …

Bert’s getting the pints on (!), is a bit wobbly and upset, spills the beer on Clive’s phone, Clive shouts at him (!!) and tells him to go get a cloth (!!!).

Clive – to himself - dozy old fool, look at this mess, can’t he do anything right

Clive then says to Bert that he doesn’t know why Susan is bothering inviting Kylie – after insisting to Susan that she must invite Kylie.

As I said above.

What a w*nker.

Alistair approves of Erin’s wheels

And reckons her parents must have bags of money to be able to buy insurance for her.

At one point, he shouts “nice ride” over to Erin, which is a tad inappropriate.

But it’s all another point in Erin’s favor. Good looking. Intelligent. Talented. A plan for her life. And rich parents.

All it needs now is for Erin to actually fancy Daniel.

And now Clive goes for the money shot …

[Clive] “Listen dad, about mum, I don’t suppose you’ve had a chance to think about what she’s leaving us?”
Here we go.

Clive’s going onto Bert about how he has nothing to remember Ivy by. Not even a photo.

He spins Bert a story about how Ivy told him (Clive) that she wanted him (Clive) to make a better life for himself. Including wife and kids.

[Clive] “She said she wanted me to have her rings. Engagement and wedding ring. Didn’t she tell you … how she said it was I should have them, so that even when she weren’t around anymore I could look at them to remind me that she were watching and not to disappoint her …. Her last wish was that I should find someone to give them to …”

Bert starts crying.

[Bert] “Yes, well, I suppose if that’s what she wanted. Alright then. It’s not like I’ll be needing them anymore”

Clive – to himself - what does he care anyway? He’ll never know. At least I’ll be able to make some use of them.

Again. What a w*nker.

Shula’s setting up Erin

Daniel’s not around when Erin calls, so Shula steps in to make sure Erin still visits after their homework project is finished.

She does so by offering up Alistair.

Erin’s now going to go out on rounds with Alistair

Shula – to herself - I’m only trying to help. She deserves some support

Mum and dad involved in trying to get Daniel a girlfriend … this can’t end well, surely.