Vicky remembers there’s risks to late pregnancies: Wed 15.08.12

The Archers Wednesday 15th August 2012

• Romance and heartbreak
• The village Fete and Community Games raised a record amount
• Arthur will be taken out in his coffin
• What is it with raves?
• It took Lynda to say “down’s syndrome”

Romance and heartbreak

[Vicky] “So you were there then, when it happened, when Harry and Grant were reunited … and how did you feel the next day when you saw them together again?”

[Fallon] “Surprised …”

Vicky thinks it’s ever so romantic, completely missing that Fallon might be ever so miffed that Harry had such varied tastes … just not her.


The village Fete and Community Games raised a record amount

Well done indeedy.

There’s even talk of making the Community Games an annual event, they were that popular. Fallon reckons Lynda will be most delighted about that:

[Fallon] “Now that you’ve got your medal to defend!”

Arthur will be taken out in his coffin

Darrell’s round at Joyce and Arthur’s (the Walters – the elderly couple Matt wants out of their home so that he can get more rent for it). After Rosa bought her scooter, he decided to go ahead and be part of Matt’s plan to scam Joyce and Arthur out of their house.

But he’s not having an easy time of it.

[Joyce] “Real ginger, not the powdered stuff, that’s what makes the difference.”

They’re feeding him cake.

[Joyce] “52 years and he still thinks he’s the boss!”

They’ve been married even such a long time. 40 years of which has been spent in this very home.

And they both have arthritis. She in her hip, he in his hands.

Just when Darrell is about to crack, and leave them be, Matt calls round.

[Matt] “So, quite a little tea party … you’re only making it hard for yourself … this place just isn’t suitable for Joyce and Arthur … it’s your jib to make them understand it too.”

When Darrell gets back to Joyce and Arthur:

[Darrell] “I’m sorry to say this, I’ve got some bad new to tell you.”

He says the damp has spread. He’ says he’ll have to rip apart the kitchen. He says they should move out, into that nice modern flat Matt suggested.

But no.

They say they’ll “make do”. They’ll use their camping stove, then do the dishes in their bathroom. They say their neighbours will rally round.

[Darrell] “Hold on, I know you’re fond of this place but, that’s only the half of it. It’s a renovation job.”

[Arthur] “When I move out of here, it’ll be feet first in my coffin!”

And they tell Darrell to do what he has to do, and not mind them.

Matt’s not going to be amused. Maybe he’s met his match.


What is it with raves?

That’s the second mention in a week.

No one has ‘raved’ since the early 90s. Apart from in Ambridge.

Seems Fallon and Rhys are getting a DJ and a band in.

[Lynda to Vicky] “Do you fancy a rave upstairs at the bull?”

Good god!


It took Lynda to say “down’s syndrome”

Vicky had a shock today.

She’d got a call about a test. I thought it was to say the baby wasn’t Mike’s …

… far more serious than that.

[Vicky] “I should have thought. I knew that there had to be a risk at my age … I just blanked it our … there’s a higher than usual probably of the baby, you know …”

[Lynda] “All it means is, according to the initial test, you’ve a slightly increased risk of having a baby with down’s syndrome … that’s still a  long way from a diagnosis, the chances are you’re worrying about nothing at all … you’ve got to be realistic of course, but you shouldn’t be jumping to any conclusions at this stage.”

[Vicky] “I’ve been so happy these last few days and now …”

[Lynda] “Now, nothing’s changed, the baby’s still inside you quite happy. It’s not worrying about any test results!”

But now Vicky’s worried about whether she should get more tests, and what he’ll say. But as Mike’s working, Lynda takes Vicky home to hers to have a proper talk.

With Vicky being 19 weeks:

[Vicky] “We’re come so far already.”

She tells Lynda she thinks she can hear the baby moving. Fluttering.

[Lynda, sounding wistful] “Ah, that must be so exciting for you.”

[Vicky] “I couldn't bear losing it now. Not for the sake of some test.”

It’s the amniocentesis test they’re talking about. Which carries a risk in itself, and could tell them perhaps more than they want to know.

Vicky doesn’t even want to tell Mike she has to decide whether to have the test.

[Vicky] “Well that’s why I’m worried Lynda, he’s been on such a high, I’m sure the possibility that we might have a baby with down’s has never crossed his mind.”

What a worry.

And if Vicky has the test, what will she do if it isn’t perfect news?

Kenton attacks Jolene with a drawer: Tues 14.08.12

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 14th August

• So how was The Fringe?
• Harry was hot, now he’s just gossip
• Kenton sings Rod Stewart, badly
• Jolene doesn’t want to go to New Zealand
• I know the safe combination in Jaxx
• Kenton’s lost his passport
• Jazzer wants his feet under the table
• Kenton attacks Jolene with a drawer
• Kenton’s obsessed with social networking
• Bon voyage!

So how was The Fringe?

Apart from:

[Jazzer] “Full of foreigners in fancy dress.”

And Fallon saying she’d seen a few good, but also a few rubbish, shows.

We’ll never really know.

And there was me thinking (and knowing) so much happens in Edinburgh this time of year.


Harry was hot, now he’s just gossip

Fallon arrived home to tell Jolene about Harry, rather than break the news beforehand.

[Fallon] “I didn’t want to spread gossip.”

[Jazzer] “Why not?”

[Fallon] “In case he changed his mind.”

[Jazzer] “Huh, that’s not going to happen!”

[Jolene] “But Harry, he's the last person you’d think … with a bloke … and he’s not coming back … there’s going to be a lot of disappointed women in Ambridge.”

What an epitah!


Kenton sings Rod Stewart, badly

‘I am sailing’, to be precise.

He’s all excited as he and Jolene are off the New Zealand in two hours.

And he’s booked a boat to sail on the last few days of their holiday.

[Kirsty] “It’s got to be 10 years since you last skippered anything bigger than a rowing boat!”

Kenton reckons it’s just like riding a bike.
Though Kirsty foresees problems with how interested an 11 year old lass will be in being stuck on a boat with her dad and step mum …

… do we also hear the cry of “overboard!” …?

Surely Jolene can’t only experience death in New Zealand?


Jolene doesn’t want to go to New Zealand

I’m really surprised it’s taken her until now to work that one out.

[Jolene] “I wish we were going somewhere else. I remember the last time …. It feels like it was yesterday.”

But she daren’t tell Kenton that she actually doesn’t want to go. He’s too excited about it:

[Jolene] “And it’s all to do with Sid … and the fact UI got together with him so soon after Sid died. What’s Lucy going to think?”

She’s worried about them staying with Lucy, even though it’s saving them a fair few pennies (the rest of the holiday is costing enough, even with Jill also having helped them out).

Jolene would rather they had time alone.

[Jolene] “More peace just the two of us, without all this baggage.”

I know the safe combination in Jaxx

It’s over there, written on the back of that picture of Elvis.


Jazzer wants his feet under the table

He’s unpacked all of Fallon’s stuff out of the van.

But she’s not grateful.

[Jolene] “What’s up? “

[Fallon] “Nothing, I just want him to go home!”

But when Fallon goes off to have her bath, Jazzer’s already in there. He offers to share …

She declines, but he then appears in the kitchen with just a towel on. It doesn’t cover him very well, and Fallon has to get near to his “minging” toenails to check his foot after he’d stepped on a mug than Jolene had smashed by mistake earlier on.

Fallon can’t take much more. As well as being half naked, Jazzer wants to borrow a t-shirt (which he did. One of Kenton’s which Jolene was glad to get rid of. It had “capped sleeves and slutty slogans”) and help in the bar.

[Fallon] “Jazzer no. We’re home now, the holidays’ over … I don’t know what you think you’re playing at, but can I remind you of what you promised after, you know, that night … ever since we got back, you’ve been acting like you’re moving it. You said we could go back to just being mates.”

[Jazzer] “I thought that was what I was being, matey … to be honest with you, I didn’t fancy going back to a flat in me ain, I never imagined I’d miss auld Harry.”

Fallon takes pity. More fool her …


Kenton attacks Jolene with a drawer

Kenton’s lost his passport

Numpty.

It wasn’t at Jaxx.

Not in his black jeans, which they’d already packed.

Not in the filing cabinet.

But maybe in the locked drawer? You know, the one that’s really stuff.

As Kenton yanks it open, it hurtles out and smacks Jolene on her eye.

[Fallon] “You’re going to have one hell of a black eye!”

When Jazzer answers Fallon’s phone to Kirsty:

[Jazzer] “There’s been a wee fracas, I think they’ve been having a punch up!”

[Fallon] “You didn’t want to go in the first place, and now everyone’s going to think Kenton beat you up!”

When Kirsty arrives with Kenton’s passport (which was in the freezer at Jaxx – Kenton had put it there after reading about hiding stuff in freezers in a spy novel):

[Kirsty] “Oh Jolene, did Kenton do that?”

And that, my friends, is how gossip starts.


Kenton’s obsessed with social networking

The taxi has arrived. Kenton’s busy upstairs posting pictures to Facebook.

[Jolene] “Facebook, honestly!”

And he told Kirsty he’d be Tweeting at every stage of his journey, so that the folks back at Jaxx would be able to follow his every step.

[Jolene] “I’m sure they’ll all be fascinated to know what you had for breakfast.”

Well, Kenton shouldn’t mention his breakfast, unless it’s splendid. Tweeters generally only Tweet interesting stuff … (!).


Bon voyage!

Not really …

[Fallon] “Bye mum, things can only get better! … wonder if they’re going to survive this trip.”

Aye, I do too.

Brian makes Adam beg: Sun 12.08.12

The Archers Sunday 12th August 2012

• Adam will just have to apply
• Vicky’s fluttering
• Harry’s bisexual; bad news for Mike
• Brian’s hardly magnanimous …
• Polish night at Ian and Adam’s … with Pavel

Adam will just have to apply

Not sure why it took 2 days for Adam to get from his hot tub to Home Farm, but he does, and starts shouting at Brian advertising his job:

[Adam] “Will somebody tell me what the hell’s going on, I see my own job advertised in the paper … there are ways and ways”

Brian’s not remotely perturbed. He thinks he has a right to advertise for a Farm Manager. Adam wouldn’t do it, and he couldn’t expect a new Farm Manager to just coming knocking. He doesn’t even agree with Adam that he should have been told about the advert, even just out of politeness:

[Brian] “Polite? Adam, you had your chance. Your chose to go your own way, well fair enough, why should you expect to be consulted?”

[Adam, sounding a tad humble] “Did it ever cross your mind that I, um, might be having second thoughts?”

It was painful listening – Adam, having to admit to Brian that he wants to stay. That he and Ian don’t want to move. And:

[Adam] “My future’s here with you at Home Farm, whatever it takes.”

[Brian] “Whoa, hold on here, after all that’s happened, you’ve changed your mind, just like that … I'm sorry, you’re too late, the ads gone out … I've noted your interest in the position and we’ll let you know.”

Adam storms off.

Jennifer’s appalled at Brian. He still couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks:

[Brian] “After the way he’s behaved, all that song and dance, he can’t just expect to stroll back in!”

[Jennifer] “You’re not going to let him go! Oh Brian!”

When Adam tells Ian:

[Ian] “He’s lacking a few people skills, but he’s not stupid.”

Ian reckons Adam is too good at his job for Brian to be serious about choosing someone else over him.

Adam reckons not. He might have pushed Brian to the point where Brian would be glad to get rid of him.

[Ian] “Given the history here, he wasn’t going to welcome you back with open arms.”

Adam’s only hope now is Debbie. Though a tough lady, she's seemingly not into Brian’s power games.


Vicky’s fluttering

As Mike gets coffee in bed from Vicky (and a promise of breakfast in bed to follow), Vicky tells him that she might have felt a kick last night:

[Vicky] “Just a little flutter you know … well, they do say after 18, 19 weeks.”

I do hope that baby will be born okay …


Harry’s bisexual; bad news for Mike

As Mike gets his rare morning in bed, he’s looking forward to getting his workers back at dinner time.

[Mike] “Get their shifts sorted. I don’t want to have to do extra anymore.”

(Those of us who eavesdrop in on Ambridge Extra knew what was coming next …)

Mile and Vicky hear the sound of the letterbox. When Mike goes to see what’s happening, he finds a letter, and sees Fallon driving off in her van.

She’s posted a letter from Harry (then legged it).

[Mike] “You know what Harry’s done … he’s not coming back, ever, and do you know why?”

Actually. Yes. Vicky does know. She’s a modern kinda gal, you see:

[Vicky] “Mike look, it’s here on his Facebook see … and who’s that with him?”

[Mike, reading Harry’s Facebook page] “Grant?”

[Vicky] “His old boyfriend from when he was at uni …”

[Mike] “Boyfriend!”

[Vicky] “They met up again on holiday, now they’re back together.”

[Mike] “I don’t get it …”

[Vicky] “Isn’t it just so romantic, after all those years, oh it’s so sweet, you can see how much in love they are.”

[Mike] “So all this time, Harry’s been …”

[Vicky] “Oh come on, you’re not so surprised are you, he’s such a sweet and sensitive boy, I always wondered … oh Mike, you’re so old fashioned, that girl was never right for him that’s all. But now he’s back with his true love, and all because the van broke down in Cumbria … if that’s not fate … such a happening, like a fairy tale.”

[Mike] “What about me? Where am I going to find another milkman!”

Goodness, I do like Vicky (sometimes!).

Doesn’t bat an eyelid about Harry coming out. She’s just delighted he’s found his love.

And bless Mike as well.

All he’s really interested in is work …


Brian’s hardly magnanimous …

On the phone to Debbie:

[Brian] “No, I’m not being petty, yes of course I’ll do what’s best for the farm. As long as Adam understands …”

When he gets off the phone, he tells Jennifer:

[Brian] “She agrees with me, she’s also pretty fed up with him acting the prima donna …”

BUT Debbie also concurs that they’d be mad to let Adam go.

[Brian] “Apart from the whole family thing, we’d be hard pushed to find anyone as good … I’ll go down and find him later and say we’ll have him back … I was going to do it anyway, I just wanted to make him sweat a bit.”

[Jennifer] “And you will be, um, diplomatic about it, won’t you?”

[Brian] “Diplomatic? When am I ever anything else?”

(ha!)

[Brian to Adam] “So I’m willing to stop the ad, and tear up any replies I get … well, apart from anything else, it’ll save me and Debbie a lot of paperwork …your sudden change of heart, it caught me on the hop. You can see why I had to have time to adjust,”

Here’s the ‘but’ …

[Brian] “There is one important caveat, if this is going to work, I’ll expect you to be 100% full committed to the job … so I want to see some enthusiasm, a nice happy positive attitude, no more moaning and dragging your feet …”

In other words – shut up, get your work done, and say nothing else negative about the Super Dairy.

Of course, that makes Adam say that he needs more time to think. Though he manages not to shout to Brian, he can’t quite stomach having to grovel. Not yet.

[Adam to Ian] “He wants me to get down and lick his boots.”

[Ian] “Okay, well that’s some sort of progress … you’ve still got a job to go tomorrow morning …”

Ian wants to celebrate with some fizz, but Adam’s not as yet ready to party.

Which is fair enough. I wouldn’t want to celebrate is grovelling to Adam was on my ‘to do’ list.


Polish night at Ian and Adam’s … with Pavel

Oh dear.

Ian’s insisting that they have their champagne tomorrow. And that they invite Pavel round to help celebrate. Seems Ian’s been trying some of Pavel’s     grandmother’s recipes, so wants to have a proper Polish night.

[Ian] “Come on, no arguments, it’ll be more fun with the three of us. I’ll text him now.”

Oh dear.

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

Odds shorten on Ian kicking Adam out, Adam leaving Ambridge, Ian staying put.

Cheerio Harry!: Thurs 09.08.12

Ambridge Extra Thursday 9th August 2012

• The morning after the night before (Fallon’s tale)
• The morning after the night before (Kirsty’s tale)
• Jazzer’s never heard of “Bi”
• Harry’s theory of bisexuality
• Jazzer really does love Fallon
• Grant really does love Harry
• No more Milkman Harry?

The morning after the night before (Fallon’s tale)

Fallon wakes up next to Jazzer …

[Fallon] “Oh, Jazzer. Jazzer! Oh god!”

Fallon tries to make a run for it back up to the cottage (they’re still in the van). Jazzer wants to accompany her, but she claims she’s feeling a bit rough.

[Jazzer] “Oh dear, heid banging?”

[Fallon] “I think I’m going to be made to suffer today …”

[Jazzer] “Are you sure you don’t want me to hold your hair back for you?”

Oh dear.

Doesn’t sound like Fallon’s night of passion with Jazzer has made her very happy …


The morning after the night before (Kirsty’s tale)

As Fallon rushes into the cottage, she bumps into Kirsty.

Who slept on the couch. Fallon’s quite surprised. She thought Kirsty would be in the one bedroom with at least one of the chaps.

[Kirsty] “Making  a complete fool of myself more like. There I was, laying out the goods for Grant … it wasn’t me he was interested in at all.”

Just then, Harry and Grant come downstairs, naked.

(they rush back up when they realise Fallon and Kirsty were there – though why they thought everyone would be outside at the van, I don’t know)

[Kirsty] “Need any more explanations … I realised I was surplus to requirements.”

[Fallon] “But Harry, he’s …”

[Kirsty] “Apparently not. or at least not entirely. I spent the entire evening flaunting myself like a desperate drunken gooseberry.”

Oh dear.

Kirsty also isn’t feeling very happy after harry and Grant’s night of passion.


Jazzer’s never heard of “Bi”

How?

I thought Jazzer was a proper man about town.

[Jazzer] “No no, this is some sort of wind up. You’ve all got together and though let’s have a good laugh at Jazzer and make him believe Harry and his mate are a pair of …”

[Kirsty] “It’s true.”

[Jazzer] “You mean he plays for the other team? … I’m no buying it. Look at Zofia, he was head over heels.”

[Kirsty] “It is possible he’s bi.”

[Jazzer] “Bi?”

[Kirsty] “Bisexual.”

[Jazzer] “But I share a flat with the guy, I rob his shower gel. What if he’s been …”

[Kirsty] “By the look of Grant, you’re not exactly his type.”

[Jazzer, offended] “What do you mean?”

Jazzer soon calmed down when he was brought a full English:

[Grant] “I’ve cooked loads, so if you fancy an extra sausage …”

[Jazzer] “I’m fine.”

Oh ho!

Thought I’d stumbled into a Carry On for a moment there.


Harry’s theory of bisexuality

We always knew there was something about Harry. Not necessarily odd. Just something he wasn’t telling us.

Well, there we are.

[Harry] “If anything, I’m 60:40 … come on, don’t tell me you’ve never looked at another woman and though ‘phworagh’ ?”

[Fallon] “I guess. Occasionally.”

[Harry] “So you’re what, 95: 5.”

Harry tells Fallon that Grant’s the man for him. Well, at least he hasn’t met another man that’s interested him as much. Grant is, Harry says, 0:100 (gay).


Jazzer really does love Fallon

When Kirsty spotted that neither Fallon nor Jazzer looked like they’d had much sleep, Fallon made some excuse about them both falling asleep by 11pm.

Jazzer gets up and leaves to go check on the van. He says he’s hungry, but obviously needs to get his head round the fact that Fallon obviously doesn’t want anyone to know what’s happened between them.

Fallon goes after him to apologise.

[Fallon] “It was all just a bit mad, I’d had a few, I’d gone on a downer …”

[Jazzer] “I wish you’d stop fretting. I know it was only a one night thing.”

[Fallon] “But I don’t want you to think I took advantage.”

[Jazzer] “I cannae change the way I feel about you, last night’s gonnae rank up there as one of the best nights of my life … if one night’s all I’m gonnae get, well then I’m already a luckier man than I ever thought I would be. I’d much rather we’d stay good friends.”

So – Fallon knows Jazzer loves her. Jazzer admits he loves her. Fallon knows last night was a HUGE deal for him, but she doesn’t feel the same way for him as he does for her. Though, right here and now, she wishes she could.

[Jazzer] “I still showed you a good time, didn’t ah … it’s our secret. I  promise. I won’t breathe a word.”

It’s not often Jazzer promises something and I believe him. This time I do.


Harry really does love Grant

Kirsty had a point when she said Harry dropping back into Grant’s life was the most romantic thing she’d ever heard.

Imagine. You’re quietly sat in your wee cottage, in the back of beyond, and the great love of your life just happens to pop by.

[Kirsty] “At least someone got what they wanted last night.”

Grant and Harry take a wee walk with the dog, to have a chat.

Grant tells Harry that there also hasn’t been a man since him. Just a few “near misses”.

[Grant] “Losing you, was the worst mistake I ever made.”

Seems Grant dumped Harry. He could handle Harry around women – felt he couldn’t compete. He knows know that it doesn’t work like that.

[Grant] “If we were together now, it would be so much different.”

No more Milkman Harry?

As Jazzer gets the van ready to try and make it to Edinburgh:

[Jazzer] “Of course, I’m no some ponce you doesn’t know his spark plugs fae his spare wheel, I mean, no that you …”

[Grant] “Isn’t the spare wheel the one you drive with Harry?”

[Harry] “Oh no no, that’s the gear stick!”

Kirsty tells Grant to come see them in Ambridge, but that rather depends on Harry …

[Jazzer] “Should have known when I seen they posters of cyclists on your wall. It wasnae just their wheel trims you were interested in.”

[Kirsty] “Filth! Just ignore him Harry.”

Harry tells them to stop driving.

[Harry] “I have to take this chance … if I don’t, I’ll only wonder what if …”

And he runs back to Grant.

Now, I don’t know if it was Harry’s love for Grant that made him make them stop the van, or the realisation that Jazzer is a numpty sometimes (!), but either which way p could that be Harry gone from Ambridge?

Harry’s Bisexual, Jazzer shags Fallon: Tues 07.08.12

(sorry to be so blunt, but that’s exactly how it went!)

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 7th August 2012

• Jazzer’s boozing, Fallon’s jealous and the van’s knackered
• The village of Shap
• Will Harry reveal to be a serial killer?
• Hello Grant!
• Fallon and Jazzer, in a van
• Kirsty, Harry and Grant play spin the bottle

Jazzer’s boozing, Fallon’s jealous and the van’s knackered

[Jazzer] “The map reader is thirsty … hurry up, I demand to have some booze!”

(ah, didn’t take Jazzer as a fan of Withnail and I)

[Kirsty] “Give me one as well Harry, a beer I mean.”

Kirsty’s just having a laugh, but Fallon sees it as something quite different.

[Fallon, pretending to be Kirsty] “ ‘Oh Harry, isn’t Fallon silly, did I mention I’m single?’ “

[Jazzer] “You're no still doey eyed over wonder boy are you? I thought you’d be over him by noo.”

[Fallon] “It sounds as if they’ve high.”

But then the van thumps, and they have to pull onto the hard shoulder.

Fallon lets her green monster out.

[Fallon] “The idea was to get me and Harry together!”

[Kirsty] “We’re only keeping ourselves entertained.”

Friends again, they get back in the van. Harry knows a nearby village …


The village of Shap

Is somewhere in Cumbria (near Penrith, Harry said). Harry knows it very well indeed. He even has a friend there. So they decide to get to get to Harry’s friend, in Shap, to see if they can get their van fixed.

But he’s sounding a bit shifty about who the friend is, and why he’s never mentioned hi, before …


Will Harry reveal to be a serial killer?

As they drive into Shap:

[Kirsty] “I’ve lost the (mobile phone) signal.”

[Jazzer] “That’s it then, we’re doomed. I reckon this was Harry plan all along …Lure us oot into the middle of nowhere then murder us!”

[Harry] “Oh shut up.”

On Harry’s friend:

[Jazzer] “Probably some nutter who wears his mother’s skin for a dress … This is where he sacrifices us on a bare rock.”

Hello Grant!

[Kirsty] “Ooh, hey there!”

Well, we can take from Kirsty’s response that Grant is quite a looker.

He seems friendly chap. He immediately welcomes them, and offers them to stay the night. Which everyone is most decidedly grateful for.

Then he starts tells tales of he and Harry’s university days (that’s how they know each other).

Skinny dipping.

Oh aye!

And he suggests they all have a go.

[Grant, rather wistfully] “It’d be like old times Harry.”

Interesting.


Fallon and Jazzer, in a van

(rather than up a tree. Far more sensible)

Jazzer soon tired of Harry and Grant’s Uni stories.

Fallon was still convinced Kirsty was “all over” Harry (despite Kirsty more adamantly and clearly saying she doesn’t even fancy him. What sort of mate would she be to go after him, even if she did?).

So they both end up back out at the van.

[Fallon] “This trip’s a disaster before it’s even started.”

[Jazzer] “He’s no worth it. Seriously, if he’s too much of a numpty to see what’s in front of him.”

[Fallon] “Well it doesn’t look like he’s having any trouble now. Meanwhile, I’m sat up on my shelf.”

[Jazzer] “Don’t talk mince. You could have anybody you wanted.”

[Fallon] “Except Harry.”

[Jazzer] “That’s cause he’s a numpty … there’s nothing wrang wae you, you’re perfect!”

[Fallon] “It’s never going to happen. Why does nobody love me Jazzer … it’s not like I’m a minger. And I'm funny … and I can pull a pint. What else can a man want?”

Later, we hear (what sounds like) Jazzer kissing Fallon.

[Jazzer] “You’ve got such soft hair.”

[Fallon] “You’re always so lovely to me. And there I am pining over some guy who is never going to be interested, and all my dumb dreams of becoming a star …”

[Jazzer] “You are a star.”

[Fallon] “See, you think I’m special just for being me. Makes me wonder if I’ve got it all wrong …”

Fallon demands more booze, which Jazzer tries to suggest wouldn’t be a good idea (blimey!). They kiss.

[Jazzer] “Sorry, I cannae, you’re drunk and you're upset.”

[Fallon] “I’m not a child. I appreciate you being all gentlemanly. Just be the same as you are with any other girl. Jazzer. Just be you.”

Next we hear is more kissing, and the sound of a zip being taken down …

Goodness me!


Kirsty, Harry and Grant play spin the bottle

Now, that’s always a dangerous game for adults to play. Truth will out …

[Kirsty] “Why, what are you hiding?”

When Grant leaves the room for a moment, Kirsty says to Harry that Grant reminds her of Patrick. Except Grant’s hot.

(I was wondering why Patrick and Kirsty never got it together)

Back to the truth …

Kirsty spins, it lands at Grant and he chooses truth.

She asks him why he and Harry haven’t been in touch for such a long time.

Harry says that just had a falling out.

[Harry] “Well, anyway, I wish it had never happened.”

[Grant] “Me too … there’s not a day goes by I don’t regret it.”

[Kirsty, sensing it was more than just a ‘usual’ tiff between mates] “Wow, what was it?”

She guesses it was a love triangle.

[Kirsty] “Who was she?”

[Harry] “But it wasn’t a girl.”

[Kirsty] “What do you mean it wasn’t a girl … oh …”

And there we have it.

Harry’s secret.

He’s bisexual.

There. That wasn’t so difficult, was it?