Helen’s raw : The Archers Tuesday 6th December 2011

(emotionally, that is)

• Calabrese, salad, pak choi and masala
• Where will Gloria sit?
•  Henry likes shiny
• Tony is such a back-stabber
• Joe to switch the Christmas lights on
• Holly and mistletoe (again)
• No respect for Pat?

Calabrese, salad, pak choi and masala

Oh my!

Anya (at Ambridge Organics) is annoying Pat. Seems she’s asking for more of one thing, when she actually needs another.

Then Susan is seen in the yard. Looking lost. Muttering something about ice cream.

All while Henry is grizzling in the background.

Step back folks … Pat’s going to blow!


Where will Gloria sit?

At Nic and Will’s wedding?

It’s been a worry, but as Nic helps Will clear a tree, she already feels better.

They’ve just been to see their wedding reception room at Grey Gables, so it’s all starting to feel more real and clear.

[Nic] “As long as we get through the stag and hen nights on one piece”

(um … does Nic know what happened on Will’s last wife’s hen do?)

Seems Fallon has organised Nic’s do – stretch limo to a club. Class …


Henry likes shiny

Especially shiny and dangerous.


Tony is such a back-stabber

Helen’s telling Tony that she’s finding it hard to sleep. Tony sympathises and (in my humble opinion) seems to take the stance that this is all’s Pat’s fault, though he doesn’t say so outright. He does seem to abdicate his responsibility in how Tom and Helen were told about Rich.

[Helen] “It knocked me sideways. It brought back so many dreadful memoires”

[Tony] “If we knew the truth about Rich, it might be painful at first … but in the long run, it might help us deal with the way we feel about John”

[Helen] “Dad. I can’t tell you how much I disagree … even talking about it, ugh, it churns me up every time. I can’t keep looking back … it’ll only create more problems. For the boy, for us, I can’t stand it … you and mum mustn’t take this any further”

Tony agrees that they shouldn’t take it any further.

Um … shouldn’t he have spoken with Pat first?


Joe to switch the Christmas lights on

Only at Jim’s. But he’s chuffed that ‘the prof’ asked him to do the honours.


Holly and mistletoe (again)

Joe’s brought mistletoe round for Nic and Will (though they’d already found some earlier when they were clearing that fallen tree. Joe wasn’t to know, and they don’t tell him)

And Joe is also hawking holly around again. Seems Sabrina has bought some (does that woman never learn?) for her table decoration as part of the Christmas Around the World table decoration competition.

Though the general consensus is that Sabrina’s cleaning lady will end up doing it …

[Joe] “And she bought some mistletoe. Though I don’t think she needs any encouragement”

All the menfolk of Ambridge will be missing Sabrina in her cat outfit. They’ll just have to make do with a peck under the mistletoe.


No respect for Pat?

So Tony is talking to Pat about how Helen feels. He reckons Helen is “raw”, and is doing her best to avoid Pat. She isn’t even eating with them tonight. Which is indeed news, for our new style Helen.

Pat still isn’t getting it. She sees it as a waiting game – that Helen and Tom will become want to know about Rich in time. They’re just not “interested yet”.

[Tony] “Helen simply can’t face going back, reliving the past”

[Pat] “But it’s not the past, Tony., Rich is alive. Now … he’s John’s son … if I could just see him,. Hear his voice .. .what if he sounds like John?”

But no. Tony is adamant that they need to respect Tom and Helen’s wishes, and “things as they are”.
Ah, come on Tony. Even you can’t believe that Pat will walk away from this one?

What about Pat as John’s mum? Surely her wishes to find out if she has a grandson by him should be respected as well?

The Archers Friday 2nd December 2011: Helen’s ever decreasing circles …

• Mike’s in trouble with the wife
• Why would anyone buy Joe’s holly?
• Don’t use the ornamental bird bath as an astray!
• Les Tres desert Noelle
• Col-von-ellie?
• Ah, it was Mike’s birthday
• Abby had two!
• Helen offloads to Ian
• Bitten tails and piglets
• Brenda, the serving wench
• Tom’s still thinking of others

Mike’s in trouble with the wife

Remembering Mike’s wife is Vicky, that’s not a good situation to be in.

Vicky’s doing the dishes, Mike comes in, she smashes them down.

[Mike] “Ow! Me head ,,, It’s still a bit delicate from last night”

[Vicky] “One drink, you said. I was expecting you at 9”

[Mike] “You should have phoned”

[Vicky] “I wasn’t going to beg!”

[Mike] “Look, I said I’m sorry … oh, there’s no talking you”

And he storms off to the green burial site, while Vicky starts baking.


Why would anyone buy Joe’s holly?

After his pee-taking last year.

Vicky did, which Mike is aghast by. She could have got it free from Brian.

But, seems Vicky felt sorry for Joe.

He’s a crafty one, that Grundy senior.


Don’t use the ornamental bird bath as an astray!

Lynda has noticed, and is not amused.

In fact, she’s scrubbing it down as it has been rather neglected of late.

[Lynda] “a clean bird bath can be a vital source of drinking water for birds during winter”

She’s saying all of this to Ian, who sounded a bit guilty when she mentioned the astray usage. He doesn’t admit his guilt (surely other folks at Grey Gables smoke), but says he’ll smoke responsibly in the future.

Honestly, smoker with bad manners really irritate me.

As a smoker, it’s bad enough I get harassed for what I know is a disgusting habit, but one (as an adult) I choose to do. It just gets worse when someone else takes the Michael and gives us all a bad reputation.


Les Tres desert Noelle

Ian redeems himself from the association to smoking by telling Lynda and a desert he could do for Christmas around the World.

Les Tres desert Noelle

(or should that be Les Treize Desserts de Noël?)

It’s about the 13 deserts, representing the 13 disciples. That includes two types of nougat representing good and evil. And 4 beggars, which is hazelnuts, almonds raisons and dried figs, representing the different religious orders (the poorer ones).

Lynda is delighted.

Col-von-ellie?


Vicky brings a peace offering to Mike at the green burial site.

[Vicky] “My col-von-ellie … folded pizza”

Sorry?

Did Vicky mean Calzone?

Either way, Mike already had eaten. A pie from the shop (normally is a pastie).


Ah, it was Mike’s birthday

Which is why he was out late.

Vicky tells him that she upset at him returning after his curfew (!) as she wanted an early night … but she offers him the same sort of present tonight.

Daft Mike doesn’t know when he’s winning.

[Mike] “I did try and tear myself away from the bull”

[Vicky, getting annoyed again] “Not hard enough”

He then starts telling her his reasoning for staying.

David was there, and seemed depressed. Neil was also in, trying to avoid Tracey’s kids. And Bert also come in/ He was also depressed as he’d only placed 3rd in his most recent ploughing competition.

[Mike] “Still, things picked up with Eddie and Clarrie came in!”

Seems it was then drinks all round – and Roy then also appeared.

[Mike] “We all really let our hair down then!”

[Vicky] “And to think I was sat at home all alone …”

Lynda gave her food (whatever it should be called) to Lynda, who’d popped by to see Mike’s progress on the green burial site.

As I said. Daft Mike.

If he’d only stopped at “sorry”.


Abby had two!

Which Lynda sniffed about.

Seems Oscar opened his first advent calendar window today.

But Vicky told her that Abby had two advent calendars – one at home, and one at Vicky and Mike’s.


Helen offloads to Ian

[Helen] “I can cope with my brother being dead, what I can’t cope with is him coming back to life. There’s no way I’m ready to meet the 13 year old John again. But then again, when is John’s son not John’s son, when he’s a total stranger … I’m not making much sense …”

[Ian] “Well, it’s not a sensible situation”

[Helen] “You know when you put your debut card in the cash machine and it rejects it … that’s what my mind keeps doing with that photograph, It just keeps pushing it away,. Oh Ian, don’t tell anyone about this. Not even Adam …

“ I’ve spent so much energy in my life fighting the reminders … after his accident … at first, I was a tower of strength. l Everyone told me how marvellous I was being, how string for mum and dad and Tom. But over that summer, I just couldn’t face coming back, so I went to Ireland for a job, but really I ran away. I was trying to explore how I was feeling. It was such a dark time. I was so lonely. I missed my big brother so much …

“ I just wanted to prove to myself I could cope alone I suppose, that I was in control, I can see now I wasn’t. It’s so complicated Ian. John’s was big shoes to fill, he was so popular and easy going.”

[Ian] “You didn’t have to compete”

[Helen] “But I was the eldest now .. Responsible for everything. Plus I didn’t want to drown in all the messy grief at home … and then shortly after I came back, mum got depression and I have to be strong again and run the dairy and pretty soon I found out I preferred being strong and busy to staring into the abyss. So I kept being busy. Then Greg died. And I found out you could manage everything, expect grief”

Seems Helen learned a lot of what she was saying (sorry … feeling) from when she was in counselling. Now she’s angry at herself for “falling to pieces over” over the photo of John next to Rich.

[Ian] “Your parents dropped this on you from a dirty great height… and you just freaked out a bit. … you’re stronger than you realise … look how far you’ve come, you’ve given the family this wee man … so you should focus him and your life now. The past can’t threaten that”

[Helen] “I wish I had your faith in me, Ian”

Bitten tails and piglets

Tom thought his pig had a bitten tail.

But it didn’t.

And Lynda usefully told Tom:

[Lynda] “Did you know baby hedgehogs are called piglets?”

She and Robert are making a hedgehog hibernation box.


Brenda, the serving wench

Dropping the idea of Tom making a Norwegian sausage dish for Christmas around the World, Lynda now wants Tom to provide chipolatas for sauerkraut and sausage snacks.

Which he agrees to.

Lynda then pushes her luck – she asks Tom if Brenda would help serve at the do. Seems Fallon has agreed to.

[Tom] “Don’t hold your breath!”

Busty Brenda the serving wench.

That’s would surely be a major selling point.

And would give Lilian a grand old laugh.


Tom’s still thinking of others

Which is an amazing transformation.

Technically – he’s not thinking of others. Just Helen.

[Tom] “I’ve come to my own conclusion about it … ditch it mum, this whole idea of ringing Sharon isn’t on, not now, not ever. I understand it means closing off a very big door for you, but it’s too high a price to pay”

[Pat] “Henry may never l know the identity of his father, do you really want the same for Rich?”

[Tom] “I don’t care about Rich! … I care about Helen. And you can’t push her like this, it’s not fair, it’s not right… you need to draw a line under this fantasy. And move on!”

What a caring brother.

If, we believe that Tom really is just thinking of Helen. And not just his inheritance …

The Archers Wednesday 16th November 2011: Ruth says nooooooooo

• Grundy cider (courtesy of Oliver)
• ‘Genuine’ pearl necklace for 30 years married
• Not the holly, again
• Ruth’s a proper farmer, unlike Brian
• Deck The Halls (without Nigel)
• A pony!?!
• Funerals online
• Ruth speaks to a real live buyer

Grundy cider (courtesy of Oliver)

Eddie and Joe are collecting apples from Oliver’s orchard for their cider.

Seems not many other folks have joined in.

Jim turns up eventually. As does David.

Hardly the community project Jim envisaged, but it is a start.

And Eddie reckons it will be a vintage year, with them collecting grand looking apples.

[Joe] “Course in my dad’s day they had a wheel”

[Jim] “A cider wheel? … I suppose a garden shredder doesn’t have the same romance about it”

[Joe] “Does the job”

‘Genuine’ pearl necklace for 30 years married

It’s Eddie and Clarrie’s 30th anniversary on November 21st.

So Eddie wants to get Clarrie a proper nice gift.

A pearl necklace.

[Jim] “The ancient Greek symbol of love and devotion”

[Joe] “She’s going to love that. Well done Eddie”

But … in true Eddie style … he reckons he got a “bargain” and he mentioned the word “genuine”.

So, it’ll either be glass or stolen. Odds on.


Not the holly, again

As they were collecting apples, Eddie pointed out a nice sprig to Joe. And mentioned that they’d better get themselves ready for selling holly again.

*sigh*

Won’t there still be a long list of customers not entirely amused with Joe’s holly growing kits?


Ruth’s a proper farmer, unlike Brian

David talks to Ruth about Brian’s plans for a Super Dairy.

Ruth is not happy.

Ruth starts to rant.

[Ruth] “1500 cows, with no grass at all, stuck up there in a shed all of their lives … we’ll have a whopping great dairy unit shoved right on our doorsteps … that’s just so Brian. He’s such a total hypocrite. He’s never been a dairy farmer, all he cares about is turning in a quick profit … it’s a terrible idea; it goes against everything we’ve been working and for over the last twenty odd years and Brian knows that to. And he has the nerve to come here and start crowing about it to you”

[David] “Me as NFU Chair …”

[Ruth] “Same difference. He ‘d know perfectly well how you’d feel about it personally”

But wait Ruth. There’s worse to come.

[David] “Listen. There was another reason why he’s come to us now ...well, I’ve got a feeling you’re not going to like but I did say I’d ask, so … Brian says that if the scheme goes ahead, if right, then BL would be looking for local suppliers … to grow feed crops for their cows”

[Ruth] “What? You mean …”

[David] “He wants to know if we might be interested”

[Ruth] “David, but, how could you even ask … well you know the answer, of course we’re not doing it. No. I hate the whole idea and I don’t have any part of it”

[David] “Alright, so it’s not our kind of faming of course …”

[Ruth] “It’s not proper farming at all, it’s an industrial business …”

[David] “But, think about it for a moment. They would be offering us a long term contract for our crops at a guaranteed price. Can we afford to turn down an offer like that?”

[Ruth] “I don’t care what the deal is …”

[David] “Really? When we need all the help we can get for our milk”

[Ruth] “Not that way. I’m not doing it David, I’m surprised you’ve even considered it. You should have turned him down flat”

[David] “Alright, you made your point, there’s no need to bite my head off”

And David storms off in a huff.

They later on make it up. And David admits he’s quite relieved that she’s out her foot down for him.


Deck The Halls (without Nigel)

That’ll be a strange one. Nigel’s charmingly childish delight always made it such a highlight.


A pony!?!

Blimey – looks like the recession has never touched Elizabeth.

It’s nearly the twins’ 12th birthday.

She’s talking to Shula about what to get Freddie. He’s seemingly really hard to buy for.

In fact, neither Lily nor Freddie have made much out of their forthcoming birthday.

It’ll be the first without their dad.

So, Shula suggests buying Freddie a pony.

And, just like that, Elizabeth reckons it’s a great idea. No mention of how can they afford it. No mention of how she can work out something as spectacular for Lily.

My. How the other half live.

Elizabeth then tells Lily about Freddie’s pony, but swears her to secrecy.

(can twins keep secrets from each other? And why on earth did Elizabeth tell her in the first place?)

Luckily for Elizabeth, Lily then suggests her own birthday present.

She wants to go on her school trip to France.

Which is fine by Elizabeth.

Seriously – is there a way I can get Elizabeth to adopt me? She’s loaded!

Then again, it might just be her burning her way through Nigel’s insurance money … actually … did they look into how much he was worth when he died?


Funerals online

Not really.

They’re just getting the promotion of the green burial site sorted online. They’re also doing flyers.


Ruth speaks to a real live buyer

Which was a shock for her, after not getting through to any real ones for a fair while now. And what’s more:

[Ruth] “He seem surprised to be talking to a real life farmer”

What’s more, he seemed quite interested in Brookfield’s product.

[Ruth] “At least we’re getting somewhere at last. This could be the breakthrough we’ve been waiting for”

And at least it doesn’t involve Brian or a Super Diary.

Fingers crossed.

The Archers Sunday 3rd April 2011: Horrible Mother’s Day for Kathy

click the 'read more' link below the bullet points to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

• Jamie will never leave if he’s allowed to sleep in
• Worried about Jolene, not Kathy
• Aw! Sabrina’s not in leggings
• Clarrie gets the better of Eddie and Joe … with Jim’s help
• The beauty of braces
• What’s the bets on it being the wrong The Ghost
• Kathy reveals all
• Just let him be homeless
• What’s so attractive about Kenton?
• Jamie arrives home … then leaves again

Jamie will never leave if he’s allowed to sleep in

Jamie hasn’t gone home since he had his argument with Kathy on Friday.

And Jolene lets him sleep in.

Luxury for a teen – sleeping in, crisps on demand, and many opportunities to sneak a few sniffs of alcohol.

Course he’s not going home!



Worried about Jolene, not Kathy

On spotting the flowers Jolene is arranging, , Jamie’s a bit taken aback that they’re not from Kenton.

They’re from Fallon, for Mother’s Day.

He’s upset he didn’t think to get anything for Jolene.

[Jolene] “I’m not your mother, after all”

[Jamie] “I wish you were”

[Jolene] “And if I was, it’d be me who you’d be arguing with all the time”

But the boy ain't listening.

And he didn’t even mention that he hadn’t got anything for Kathy.




Aw! Sabrina’s not in leggings

Joe was round at Sabrina’s as she wanted him to look at her holly.

Well, her lack of holly. That he’d sold her. And promised would grow.

Eddie was first disappointed that he wasn’t allowed into Sabrina’s house.

[Joe] “She ain't going to let the likes of me trample all over her carpets”

But was especially disappointed about her attire.

[Eddie] “Leggings? …not shorts????”

[Joe] “Tracksuit”

[Eddie] “Oh”

Seemingly everything else in Sabrina’s garden is starting to grow, but she can’t see any sign of her holly. Joe managed to persuade her that a bit of growth was probably holly.

[Joe] “It’s Sabrina Thwaite we’re talking about … she don’t know no better”

Clarrie gets the better of Eddie and Joe … with Jim’s help

Eddie and Joe can’t believe their luck – Clarrie’s off out again on a Sunday, this time to Will and Nic’s. And even though it’s Mother’s Day, Clarrie is still only having bread and cheese.

And, they’ve been asked round to Jim’s.

Which can only mean a slap up Sunday lunch, without Clarrie ever knowing!

Little do they know that Clarrie and Jim are in league …

[Clarrie] “Jim will look after you, I’m sure”

And Jim does indeed look after them.

They have a roast dinner, pudding, cheese (which Joe points out is their third course, but is Clarrie’s only course) … and are about to have chocolate and coffee when …

[Jim] “And if I may …”

[Eddie] “What’s this?”

[Jim] “The bill”

[Joe] “Ten pounds each … Oh that’s nice, in’t it. Very Christian”

[Jim] “And cash only”

So Jim’s charging them, to be paid back as lent.

Eddie and Joe are horrified.

Later on, to Clarrie.

[Joe] “Ten quid each, how could you Clarrie? It was a mean trick to play on an old man (cough cough) … it was like a pair of Geese being fattened up for Christmas”

[Clarrie] “Yeah, I bet you were. Beaks wide open”

[Eddie] “Well I don’t know about geese … more like lambs to the slaughter”

[Joe] “I’m right disappointed in you Clarrie”

But Eddie and Joe relent. They do only have two more bread and cheese Sunday’s to suffer.

Which I must say I’m glad about … this is all a bit of a farce beneath Ambridge, for me.




The beauty of braces

Whereas Eddie had to pop his trousers open after the meal, Joe was able to do so the moment he sat down, without exposing himself.

[Joe] “That’s the beauty of braces”

Quite.





What’s the bets on it being the wrong The Ghost

Odds on, I reckon.

Joe can’t get a copy of The Ghost (Robert Harris) from the library, and he won’t buy it.

Then Eddie has the bright idea that he can just watch the movie.

Of course – it’s bound to be the Patrick Swayze version.

Ho hum.


Kathy reveals all

Clarrie spots Kathy hanging out the washing, which Clarrie reckons she shouldn’t be doing on Mother’s Day.

So Kathy tells her about their argument, and Jamie staying at The Bull.

[Clarrie] “Honestly, these things happen when they’re growing up … he’ll be back”

(Kathy should listen – Clarrie’s an expert when it comes to wayward sons!)

[Kathy] “It’s not just Jamie … I’ve had a row with Jolene. And he seems to have taken her side …. Oh why should I try to protect them …. It’s about Kenton. Him and Jolene, they’re a couple

[Clarrie] “No!”

So that’s that then.

Clarrie knows, so the rest of Borchester will know about Kenton and Jolene in next to no time.



Just let him be homeless

Jolene’s trying to explain to Jamie that him staying at The Bull was only ever for a few nights.

Jamie’s not having it.

He’d rather sleep on a bench on the village green or a barn than go back home.

So let him! He’d soon grow up once he realises that he’s not as independent as he’d like to think.

But Jamie emotionally blackmails Jolene by saying that she said he’d always have a home at The Bull.

And she gives in.

That was far too easy, methinks.



What’s so attractive about Kenton?

Clarrie breaks the news to Eddie and Joe about Kenton seeing Jolene.

[Clarrie] “And if you do go down the Bull, don’t be surprised to find Kenton serving you …”

[Joe] “ … Oh, that’s a rum do. He hadn’t been gone 5 minutes”

[Eddie, outraged] “Kenton … what does she see in him?”

Poor Eddie.

You and Jolene were just never to be.

Which is quite good, as she’d never have had anything to do with Joe’s toenails.



Jamie arrives home … then leaves again

[Kathy] “Sit down and talk”

[Jamie] “You don’t know how! …all you care about is yourself, and all you care about is what people in Ambridge think. And you can’t cope with Jolene because you’re jealous of her!”

Ouch yet again.

So Jamie storms out and leaves Kathy crying.

Kathy’s not my favourite Ambridge resident, but this is all quite tough to hear. I do feel sorry for her. Jolene just takes every man Kathy touches … lover or child.

The Archers Thurs 21st Oct 2010: Pat’s worried about Helen

The Archers: Helen’s happy for Emma … Kathy has tea with Pat … Kenton spends more quality time with Jamie

• So excited!
• “I was lucky with George, I suppose”
• “I’m finally single again”
• It’s Helen. There has to be a catch …
• Bollywood Night at Jaxx
• “My sexy Bollywood star”

So excited!

Despite Helen having to mark down the Raspberries down (to three for a pound. Bargain!), Helen’s delighted to be able to congratulate Emma face-to-face when she pops into Ambridge Organics.

Pat was also full of the joys for Emma, but Helen was a tad terrifying with her enthusiasm.

Thrilled that she’s only two months ahead of Emma, Helen seemed particularly delighted that:

“I won’t be the only pregnant girl in the village”

(though Emma said there must be more – who? who?? who???)

Helen was just as thrilled at the idea of her and Emma chumming each other to ante natal.

Whereas Emma seemed quite bewildered by Helen’s excitement.

Worse still for Emma was Helen’s rather detailed advice about how to morning sickness.

“Have you tried slow burn wholegrain food?”

Helen does seem to think she’s the perfect example of pregnancy, and that Emma could benefit from her months of research.

She does mean well, but doesn’t she go on!

And Helen should also probably realise that Emma’s not quite the wholefood type.

After all, just look at the whole artichoke saga ….


“I was lucky with George, I suppose”

If you say so Emma.

I know you were talking about being how easy it was to be pregnant with George, but I really don’t think there was any ‘luck’ that can be associated to George’s conception, birth, paternity test …



“I’m finally single again”

Now that Kenton’s making an effort with Jamie, Kathy is freed up to get on with her own life.

(Though it has to be said that she still didn’t sound very impressed with Kenton’s efforts. Too little too late?)


So, what wild and exciting things does Kathy immediately get up to?

Round to Pat and Tony’s for tea.

Steady on!

Kathy’s decided to take charge of her life and:

“make my own agenda”

Great and good. As long as it means less shouting and grumping, I’ll be happy. And maybe (just maybe) we’ll see a whole, new happy Kathy?!?

Just one odd thing – Kathy said:

“I’m finally single again”

Does that mean she wanted to split up with Kenton for a while? That she was hankering after a sassy single lady lifestyle?

Or, was Kathy just realising that she and Kenton should have split up many many months before they actually did.


It’s Helen. There has to be a catch …

Continuing her “fascinating” lecture on the right food and fitness routine for pregnant women, Helen didn’t seem to think that neither Pat nor Kathy would have anything useful or sensible to say on the topic.

It’s almost as if Helen’s the first woman to ever be pregnant.

Poo-pooing Kathy’s mention of “having to eat for two”, Helen announced:

“In the last 6 months … women only need 300 calories a day”

And she’s back!

Happy Helen has once again turned into Controlling/smug/know-it-all/rather rude Helen.

But Pat’s more worried about Helen’s entire attitude to food, than her mate being insulted by her daughter.

[Pat]“You do see what I mean about Helen?”

[Kathy] “She does seem quite picky about what she’s eating …”

[Pat] “You saw her sad little helping tonight … it’s not enough to feed a sparrow … worried she’s just using it as an excuse”

Oh dear.

As Kathy said, would Helen really put the baby at risk?

Or, is Pat just panicking about Helen because of her unhappy history with food?

“It’s her obsessive attitude I find worrying … she’s counting every calorie … surely can’t be a good sign where Helen’s concerned?”

While Pat might have a point that medical professionals are more worried about obesity, Kathy’s right that surely Helen’s midwife will be able to spot anything amiss (especially with Helen’s medical history to hand)? Especially if her midwife turns out to be Amy …

Either way, it was good to actually hear Pat being able to offload for once.

And Tony was quite right to steer well clear, with his umpiring rule book. It’ll soon come to a time where no excuse will be accepted …


Bollywood Night at Jaxx

Kenton’s entertaining Jamie at Jaxx, and does seem to be getting somewhere in encouraging Jamie to say more than ‘whatever’.

Although I do question Kenton’s tactic of using Kathy’s attitudes as a means to get Jamie to behave (if you do x, y will stop nagging you), anything that can help Jamie back to being a nice lad is welcome.

But, as with almost everything Kenton does, his attempts are doomed to failure …


“My sexy Bollywood star”

… so this time, Kenton’s failure comes in the form of Holly.

With Kenton’s rather detailed descriptions to Nigel the morning after forever etched in our darkest nightmares, we’ll never forget Kenton’s night of passion with Holly.

But, it seems Kenton had. It’s a shame for him that Holly hadn’t!

The fact that Kenton hasn’t called her since that night hasn’t quenched Holly’s passion for him. She even gave him a massive snog (right in the middle of Jaxx), rather than slapping him.

“It was a pretty memorable occasion!”

Does Holly have no shame?

Can she not take a hint? (that Kenton can’t be that interested if he hadn’t tried to contact her)

Bunny boiler material, methinks.

Anyway, Jamie is not at all impressed with Holly’s display of affection to Kenton, even though Kenton did try and explain to her that now wasn’t a good time for a reunion.

Jamie flees from Jaxx. Kenton catches up with him to explain:

[Kenton] “She’s just a friend … I haven’t; seen her for four weeks”

[Jamie] “You’re pathetic … why should I believe a word you say!?!”

Oops.

Jamie has met Holly before, at which point Kenton had also claimed she was just a friend.

Quite simply, friends don’t snog. And Jamie knows that.

Ah well. The lack of shouting was nice while it lasted.

The Archers Sun 26th Sept 2010: Kathy confronts Kenton

The Archers: Another Boost for The Bull ...Lower Loxley's allotments are coming along nicely ... Kenton and Kathy bump into each other

• The Harvest Supper at The Bull
• Clever Bert and Eddie
• "Don't be such a sanctimonious git"
• "Freddie! No! That is a very rare specimen"
• So there is controversy about the Peregrines after all
• Kenton should have never told a Nigel a secret
• Nigel should never told Elizabeth a secret

The Harvest Supper at The Bull

Debunking all myths of what Church of England ‘types’ are like, Fallon's delighted that Jolene's agreed to Alan hosting his Harvest Supper at The Bull.

Fallon's excited that so many folks from other parishes (that Alan ministers to) will be in The Bull, spending their money, having a nice time, and coming back again.

And who's the first person she wants to tell about the good news?

Harry.

Hmmm.

Let's also hope that Jolene really is back on form. Alan’s made all the arrangements with her ...


Clever Bert and Eddie

Seemingly Bert and Eddie have done a cracking job on laying out the allotments at Lower Loxley.

Hang on for a second ...

Eddie Grundy.

It surely can't have been that simple? Eddie did tell Nigel that it was all very "difficult" to do, but Eddie and Joe must be planning some way to take advantage of this new community development.

Or was Eddie satisfied at getting the practise in for the ploughing contest (and should I stop assuming there's always a scam afoot when the Grundy's are involved?).


"Don't be such a sanctimonious git"

Well, Kathy's hardly being shy about Kenton's one night stand.

She's been in The Bull telling Fallon. (Yet, she hasn’t even told Jamie that they've split up, as she thinks he'll just blame her (which is more than likely).)

When she later bumps into Kenton at the Village Shop, and gets into the inevitable (and very atypical) argument with him, she doesn't care who hears that Kenton hasn’t exactly been keeping himself for when he and Kathy got back together.

Which is actually a nice change from her fretting over what people think.

Whether you do think Kenton cheated or not, he was being an utter arse when he suggested that meet up for a drink ("or something") to talk about things.

(Unless he just wanted to make more formal arrangements about their split. Which I very much doubt.)

So Kenton wanted to have his fun, then go back to Kathy.

What joy the little toad was caught! Especially as Kenton was very slow to realise that Kathy knew all:

[Kenton] "are you and Jamie are still coming [to Jill's 80th]?"

[Kathy] "I hardly think that would be appropriate"

[Kenton] "I was wondering ... if you fancy meeting up for a drink or something?"

[Kathy] "why would I want to do that?"

[Kenton] "to talk about things"

[Kathy] "I don't want to talk about anything to you"

Kathy then demanded that Kenton move his stuff out before she put it out with the rubbish.

[Kenton] "well, okay. If that's the way you feel. You're right. It might be time to call it a day and move on ..."

[Kathy] "don't be such a sanctimonious git! You've already moved on!"

At which point, Kathy has to spell it out that she knows about Kenton sleeping with his customers (well, one of, so far).

Kenton spluttered, but Kathy was in full flight:

[Kathy] "if you think there's the remotest chance of me letting you move back into my life and my home after that kind of behaviour, then you’re even more stupid than I gave you credit for"

[Kenton] "let's keep this civilised"

[Kathy] "a man of your age picking up a young women in a bar ... that's civilised behaviour is it?!?"

Pow!

Kenton sloped off with his tail well and truly cropped, slinging a rather pathetic "I hope you're satisfied" last say.

My sense of glee about Kathy giving Kenton such a basting was the fact that he had the sheer audacity to try and work things out with her - knowing she'd hate him for having slept with another women - and probably fully intending to make sure she never found out.

Far from Kenton thinking he as 'on a break', the slimy cretin wanted the best of both worlds - and hang how anyone else felt about that.

Kathy is surely no angel, nor has she been particularly reasonable at times, but thrice hurrah for Kenton being well and truly caught with his (far too young for a man his age) jeans down!


"Freddie! No! That is a very rare specimen"

So far, Freddie seems not to be a traditional lad (not into sports), not very brainy (already needs a tutor) and was scared of going to boarding school.

Now he also has a penchant for rare trees.

What the future beholds for this wee chap, one does wonder ...


So there is controversy about the Peregrines after all

Phew! I was worried that the Ambridge residents were just waffling about something which wasn't going to lead anywhere ...

"Where does it say in the bible that thou shalt provide sanctuary for dangerous birds of prey?"

Says Charles Harvey to Fallon, though he does have a vested interested (his wife Jean has a dovecot with ornamental doves). And seemingly Derek Fletcher is none too happy neither.

Alan's being his usual placatory self, and sees it all at a very early consultation stage.

Only problem I can foresee is that Lynda is very set on the Peregrines having a perch.

It's been a while since she got her placards out.

And by-the-by - I learnt tonight that a 'faculty' means to get permission to change the fabric of a church building. That's the joy of eavesdropping - you never know what you didn’t know in the first place!


Kenton should have never told a Nigel a secret

Quite expertly chastised by Kathy, Kenton instead tries to blame it all on Nigel.

Who passes the blame on Elizabeth.

Who just won't accept it! (I bet she would be the same at pass-the-parcel. I can see Elizabeth would be one of those folks who refuse to let it go).

[Kenton] "Kathy has thrown me out, thanks to you and your big mouth ... you were the only person who knew"

[Nigel] "I didn't tell her ... I never said a word ... well, not to Kathy anyway ...

(pause for Nigel's brain to shift a gear)

"I can't believe she .. she wouldn't! ... Oh dear. What a mess"

So Kenton and Nigel manage to work out that Elizabeth told Kathy. Kenton's now furious with both Pargetter's (especially since Nigel's supposed to be a mate - I don’t think he expects anything less of Elizabeth!).

Rather naively (and actually quite tactless, which is unusual), Nigel immediately asks Kenton if he'll still help with Elizabeth's anniversary surprise.

[Kenton] "Strange as it may seem, your wedding anniversary isn’t high on my priority ...  my life is in ruins thanks to you and Elizabeth"

Can you believe the cheek of the man! He decides to sleep with another woman, yet it's someone else’s fault that Kathy found out, just when he was trying to patch things up.

So he wanted to hide it from Kathy, which leaving Nigel to stew in the knowledge of what he'd done.

There is, of course, the argument that Nigel shouldn’t have told Elizabeth, but that isn't Nigel's style. He was worried about what he was supposed to do with this rather unwanted information from Kenton, especially as he'd been trying to persuade Kathy to give him another chance.

And how many couples don’t tell each other almost everything? Maybe they shouldn't, especially when it means giving up a friend's confidence, but just how many couples start a conversation with "Now don't tell anyone ...".

Kenton's actions. Kenton's fault. If he really didn’t want anyone to know, he shouldn’t have been so quick to boast to Nigel about his conquest. After all, he hardly told Nigel to express his feelings about it. He just wanted to brag and beat his chest!


Nigel should never told Elizabeth a secret

I was all for stringing Elizabeth up as a bit of a witch - certainly a bad sister - and most definitely a woman's who's forgotten her own colourful past to try and become a moral pillar of the community.

Which was exactly how Kenton felt.

But, Elizabeth's explanation did make sense.

[Elizabeth] "it was so tricky Kenton ... I had to in the end"

[Kenton] "she was standing there with a gun to your head, was she?"

[Nigel] "Oh Lizzie. What have you done? I told you in absolute confidence"

[Elizabeth] "I got cornered. I couldn't very well say no"

Which is actually quite true. Kathy wanted her advice as to whether she should take Kenton back. Elizabeth knew about Kenton and Holly.

And, more importantly, Elizabeth knew that (a) Kenton wouldn't be man enough to tell Kathy and (b) Kenton sleeping with Holly was indicative of his feelings for Kathy (not very strong at all).

[Elizabeth] "I knew getting Kenton was getting hopelessly drunk and had been shagging this Holly person. When she asked me point blank what to do, I couldn't lie to her face"

Fair enough. But I can’t entirely shake the feeling that Elizabeth probably would have told Kathy at some point anyway. But I’ll let her off the hook this time as she did actually do the right thing.

Next problem is how on earth is Kenton, Elizabeth and Nigel all going to live together? And what about Nigel and Kenton's madcap nights out???

"He's never going to trust me again"

Ah well. At least Kenton still has ... well, I suppose ... erm ... um ... his own ego???

The Archers Thurs 23rd Sept 2010: Kate has landed!

The Archers: The return of Kate … Brian can’t sleep … Kenton staggers back to Lower Loxley

• Brian can’t sleep for thinking of Matt
• Nigel slept very well indeed
• Jill’s fretting and Freddie sounds a tad lacking in the brain department
• “Don’t expect me to be any nicer to you later!”
• “Here she is!”
• Nigel has to sneak comfort to Kenton
• “It’s always a jolly day, isn’t it!”
• So was it cheating?

Brian can’t sleep for thinking of Matt

And even Phoebe is losing out because of it, as Brian was merrily chomping away at ‘her’ cereal when he decided he’d had enough of lying awake.

“I can’t stop thinking about Matt and this damn land”

“Matt just wants to prove how much smarter he is”

Well, Matt has been smarter this time round. But I’m sure Brian will find a way to scupper him. Then Matt will do something else to block Brian and BL. Then Brian will get his own back … and on.

Not that it’s ever dull when Matt and Brian lock horns. Just slightly inevitable.


Nigel slept very well indeed

But he seemingly snores enough to drown out any sign of Kenton returning.

Which Elizabeth was listening out for, but never did hear as (unbeknownst to her) he was off at his lady friend’s).


Jill’s fretting and Freddie sounds a tad lacking in the brain department

Now that Lily and Freddie don’t have to go away to boarding school , Jill’s found something new to worry about.

Jill thinks that the entrance exams are putting the twins under “too much pressure”.

And Elizabeth also has concerns over Freddie.

Whereas Lily is expected to have no trouble with the exams, seemingly the academic side of life isn’t Freddie’s strong point.

Chin up old chap! The Pargetter’s didn’t build their empire on brains, you know!


“Don’t expect me to be any nicer to you later!”

As Kenton drags himself through the front door, Elizabeth is shocked and appalled by the state he’s in.

[E] “Oh you reek! You haven’t just got back, have you?!?”

[K] “It was a bit of a heavy night – I just need some caffeine …is there any bacon?”

Kenton doesn’t seem to be able to focus on anything other than trying to make himself even feel a tiny bit human after his binger and ‘session’, but he’s making the classic mistake of not realising that Elizabeth is livid (and maybe he should have thought about coffee last night!)

And a livid Elizabeth won’t make you coffee and bacon.

“Bacon! What do you think you’re playing at Kenton!?! Is this how you think you can behave? Wasn’t getting locked up enough for you?”

Poor Nigel (who had just been released from having to do penance for his part to play in Kenton getting arrested) is yet again stuck in between.

He’s far too nice about it though. While I think that Elizabeth is reacting far too harshly (after all, Kenton is an adult and he’s hardly caused that much bother for her and Nigel), I also think that hangovers do not come under the heading “not well”.

We’ve all had them. They’re our own fault. And don’t really deserve that much sympathy.

But Kenton just don’t know when to stop, admit defeat in the face of Elizabeth’s fury, and slope off to a nice dark room:

[K] “I understand if you’re angry, but can you just do it in a slightly quieter voice …”

[E] “I can speak how I like in my own home!”

Finally admitting defeat, Kenton’s sent to his room. At the age of 52. By his younger sister (aged 43).


“Here she is!”

And so it begins.

The quiet before the storm just sees Kate arriving home, to the joy and delight of Jennifer and Brian (even though Kate already stressed Jennifer out a wee bit by unpacking some of her things downstairs).

Eager to see the new Mrs Carter, Kate also manages to blame Brian and Jennifer for both her and Alice’s slightly random behaviour

“must be something in the genes”

But wrapped in the glow of their newly returned daughter, neither Brian nor Jennifer take the bait.

And Kate’s delighted to hear that Phoebe will be staying for a week.

Especially as she’s got her a vuvuzela (which Brian eventually got to work).

I wonder how long it’ll take for the vuvuzela to be made to disappear …

… and I’m sure Roy will also be delighted with his. Especially as it’ll surely make up for all the chaos that Kate’s going to being back to his life (!!!).



Nigel has to sneak comfort to Kenton

While Elizabeth is taking the kids to school, Nigel manages to smuggle some coffee and paracetamol to Kenton.

Who’s grateful, and busting to tell Nigel about his exploits:

(if you have a weak stomach, I suggest you probably don’t want to continue reading … )

[K] “I stayed over with someone … it was one of my customers …a female one. Don’t look so surprised!”

[K] “ …Holly – runs a dept at Underwoods – blond hair, big eyes and ... phew, she knows some tricks in the bedroom!”

[K] “I know … I should be feeling guilty about Kathy, but this might just be what I needed … who knows where me and Kathy stand”

[K] “This was just your pure … raw animal …”

(thankfully interrupted by Nigel with “yes, alright- I get the picture”)

[K]” With Kathy it’s never exactly swinging from the lampshades, but with Holly … to have a woman like her want someone like me the way she wanted me last night – doesn’t half polish off the ego!”

Oh my. It really doesn’t bear thinking about, let alone hearing about!

Kenton feels “alive” for the first time in ages.

Nigel, ever wise and cautious (well, out of his gorilla suit):

“You’re an adult … so it’s not for me to say what you can and can’t do. Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much. It’s not good for you, beside just isn’t sensible if you’re so out of control”

Which is a fair enough point, but Kenton confirmed that he had been “careful” (which brought an image which I didn’t want to see, and suspect will have to cope with for a long time to follow!)

And surely it isn’t Kenton’s drinking that’s causing the problem. Isn’t this all more about Kenton’s mid-life crisis? And the fact he doesn’t seem to want her partner (nor her him)?

And why on earth is it so wrong that an adult man wanders back ‘home’ after a night out drinking and … um … well, you know …?

“I’m sorry and duly chastised”

And so seemingly is Nigel, as Elizabeth’s also thrown him back into the sin bin for having done nothing wrong at all.

So now both men are going to have to kowtow and walk on (Faberge) eggshells, while Elizabeth gets to be righteous and pure in her anger.

Of course, all will be well if they manage to make her and Nigel’s’ anniversary surprise a really special one.

But then again, we are talking about Nigel and Kenton …


“It’s always a jolly day, isn’t it!”

Nigel, I would pick grapes with you anytime.


So was it cheating?

Isn’t Nigel just adorable when he’s been upset, or is unsure about something.

“[Kenton] told me something Lizzie. I don’t know what to think about it”

Nigel’s torn between being Kenton’s mate, being Elizabeth’s husband and also having given Kathy a “give him another chance” speech last week.

[N] “There’s no point being judgemental, is there?”

[E] “He cheated on Kathy!”

[N] “But has he, I mean, really?”

Of course, Elizabeth sees no shades of grey. As far as she’s concerned, Kenton and Kathy haven’t properly split up, so Kenton sleeping with another woman is utterly wrong.

While getting increasingly alarmed at Elizabeth’s reactionary and conservative (small c) attitudes, I can see her point.

Kenton hasn’t made a final break with Kathy, and he blatantly lied to Holly to ensure she didn’t think Kathy was still an issue.

But, Kathy has also made it clear that she doesn’t want Kenton back, so I think she has no right to stop him being with other women.

Rather than it being cheating, I think it’s just Kenton being an arse. Pure and simple. He knows the grown-up thing to have done would have been to be honest with Holly, and to realise that he needs to officially end things with Kathy before he gets involve with another woman.

After all, even if this was just a one night stand, there’s no way he can do anything without it somehow getting back to Kathy.

[E]“And what about Kathy? Can you imagine how she’d feel if she found out? How could he do that to her?”

Very easily, and without a second thought for Kathy, Jamie and the rest of Ambridge that will get caught in the impending crossfire.

The Archers Wed 22nd Sept 2010: Kenton 'has' a lady friend

The Archers: Kenton spends time with Jamie ...Kenton gets a pull (eh???) ... Pip's planning the barn dance

• Nachos and Shandy
• "I didn't recognise you in the daylight"
• David knows what a 'chilling zone' is
• Pip and her mean machine
• Times haven't changed when it comes to vodka from the local shop
• No! Not the sofa!

Computer Games, Nachos and Shandy

Say what I will about Kenton, he does know what a young lad wants from a day out.

And for five minutes Jamie wasn't shouting.

Good-oh!



"I didn't recognise you in the daylight"

Can you believe it was Kenton saying that to his new lady friend Holly than the other way round?

(Though, I suppose that depends on what you think Kenton looks like.)

He'd met Holly last night when she was celebrating her birthday in Jaxx (see my post from yesterday).

Amazingly enough, she actually liked the attention Kenton was lavishing on her!

Who'd have thunk it???

"it was great ... you really made it special ... I almost didn't mind getting a year older"

And then, Holly says she'll be in Jaxx later on to see Kenton. And mentioned "it's a date".

Even Kenton couldn't believe that one.

Do we actually believe Holly (or any other woman, for that matter) would fall so quickly for Kenton's over exuberant charms?


David knows what a 'chilling zone' is

What with Nic standing up for herself, Kenton getting a pull and now David knowing what a 'chilling zone', I'm all at sea with what I think I should think about Ambridge's residents.

But then again - isn't the correct term 'a chill out' zone?

(and I am very happy to be corrected on that one!).

Anyway, Pip's planning the Young Farmers' Barn Dance at Brookfield, and all seems to be well.

Ruth had to have one of her moments:

"have you proved to your dad that you can do it responsibly?"

(ach wheest woman!)

But David seems quite happy with the arrangements.

So nothing could go wrong, could it?


Pip and her mean machine

Well, to be fair it'll probably be a ten year old fiesta.

David seems quite keen for Pip to learn to drive (maybe so that he and Ruth can stop being her taxi service).

And bless his pride in his daughter:

"I don't expect you're going to need many anyway"

Ah bless. All's well that ends with Jude not being around ...


Times haven't changed when it comes to vodka from the local shop

Nope indeed they haven't.

The chances of being served alcohol in your local village shop are next to none if you're (a) underage and (b) a local.

I'm not sure where this Marty mate of Jamie comes from, but it seemed Jamie thought he stood a better chance of getting Sabrina to serve them:

"give her a wink, say you like her hair"

Really? Is that all it takes to get something from Sabrina?

Maybe someone should tell Kenton ...

Anyway, David Archers spoiled the party by stopping to chat.

But looks like they succeeded somehow.

Jamie and Marty later left a voice message on Kenton's phone which sounded rather drunken. And it was also rather badly timed ...


No! Not the sofa!


Kenton wows Holly with his Tom Cruise impression (from Cocktail), but then gets a light grilling about who Jamie was.

Holly thought Jamie looked like Kenton, but Kenton made clear the Jamie was his stepson.

And that they are very close.

Unlike his relationship with Kathy!

"we've split up now ... it's been a while"

"me and Kathy ... it's definitely over. Really, there's nothing going on"

Oh dear. Not quite the truth there Kenton Archer!

Still, it's a white(ish) lie. But it's one which most definitely come back to bite Kenton on his bum. The whole "but we were on a break" reasoning just isn't going to wash with Kathy. Or Holly. Or David, Elizabeth, Jill, Jamie ...

So just to make it worse, Kenton then ends up back at Holly's flat. With wine. A sofa. And a vibrating pocket

(which was Jamie making his drunken call).

While Kenton listens to Jamie's voicemail, and almost has a pang of guilt, Holly's merrily pouring more wine while singing a Gwen Stefani tune (don't ask me which one - I just recognised the 'whoo-hoo, hee-hoo', or something similar to that).

Then they snog (never a pleasant thing to hear on the radio), and the final words we're left with (surely haunting our nightmares) is:

"i think the bedroom is a very good idea"

Well, yuk (some on, it is Kenton having a sexual thrill!) and 'oh deary, deary, deary me'.

While I don't think Kenton has been especially wrong in having a fling (if it is just that), he's certainly not been thinking with his brain.

Expect a full-blown fall-out.