Pondering The Archers: usha franks

Pip gets a nasty phone call

As David’s on the phone to Pip, asking if she can pick up some hose clips, she hangs off to take another call (which she though was Spencer):

[nasty bloke] “Is that Phillipa Archer? I’ve got a message for your father …”

Next we hear from Pip, she calls Ruth in hysterics. She’s gone home to Brookfield, but no one is there. Ruth rushes back to her.

[Pip] “They they were watching. Watching me and Josh and Ben … He just sounded ordinary I didn’t really have time to think about it.”

Ruth asks Pip not to tell Josh and Ben. Pip becomes hysterical again as David also rushes in to comfort her.

I’m not too sure how they got hold of Pip’s mobile number in the first place, but it’s academic. The Police also can’t trace where the call made to Pip came from.

When Pip leaves David and Ruth to go and calm down:

[Ruth] “How will you stop them?”

[David] “I’ll talk to the police and get advice.”

[Ruth] “How can you get into the minds of people like that? We don’t know what they’re planning.”

[David] “You’re letting your imagination run away with you.”

[Ruth] “And you’re being too laid back.”
David points out that he can’t sit at the window 24/7 with a shotgun.

[David] “I can’t let Adam down, he could have died.”

[Ruth] “And one of our children still could. It’s not worth the risk … Please. Go to the police first thing tomorrow and tell them you won’t do it. Pull out David. This has to stop now.”

Well, that’s the line been drawn.

Which side will David decide to stand on?

Freda displays balloons in a rude manner

Alan and Ruth are decorating Upstairs at The Bull for Usha’s party tonight.

[Alan] “Freda offered, bless her cotton socks, but I wouldn’t put it pass her to cover the tables in doilies and hang balloons in the corners in groups of threes …”

[Ruth] “Two round ones and a long one!”

[Alan] “That’s what she did for Mr Pullen's ninetieth. But the giggles from the over 60s went right over her head!”

Usha’s 50th birthday party

Minus rudely arranged balloons, Alan’s arrange for banners which say “Keep Calm and Party on”, a dozen bottles of bubbly, and a cake (which Elizabeth is collecting. She does do nice things for other peoples sometimes).

Ruth’s then called away by a phone call from Pip (see the first entry above). But the party goes on (Ruth didn’t mention to Alan that, or why, she was leaving).

Later on, as Alan and Usha get ready to leave home for the party, Alan reckons Usha looks fantastic. And he gives her a surprise present, which sounded like pearls.

(if it was, I didn’t see Usha as a pearl necklace type of a lady. I’d have though a modern piece of jewellery – bespoke, clever, subtle – would be more her style)

[Alan] “Like they say, I saw this and I thought of you. You deserve spoiling.”

(well, I stand corrected. Alan knows Usha better than I!)

At the party:

[Usha] “I feel like the Queen standing here as they arrive.”

[Alan] “Well stop it and have a bop!”

They’re playing You’re The One The I Want from Grease. Usha remembers hearing it for the first time when it was first on at the pictures. Which would have been in 1978, when Usha was 16.

Amy then shows up at the party. Usha has forgiven her before Amy even speaks.

[Amy] “I’ve been so stupid.”

Yes you have, but the first step is to be able to recognise it.

Adam’s birthday surprise

Was Amy remembering anyone else exists to wish him a happy birthday!

I jest …

Ian’s plan is to take Adam for a meal at the very posh restaurant of an old chief friend of his, who has done incredibly well for himself, including a Michelin star.

[Ian] “It might act as a springboard to my imagination. You can never rest on your laurels!”

Adam sounded knackered. And was later back in late from work. He has to rush to get ready.

[Adam] “Please don’t say you’ve ironed my shirt, it’ll have more creases in it now than when you started!”

(nice ploy Ian. That’s exactly what I do. Iron badly once, you’ll never be asked to do it again)

But Adam won’t need his shirt, tie and jacket. Ian’s laid out a t-shirt and swimming shorts.

Twigging that the last thing Adam needs is a formal dinner, miles away from home, Ian’s organised a barbeque at home. So it’ll be margaritas, filet mignon, a backrub and a hot tub (for desert).

[Adam] “Yes chef!”

Ah, that Ian really is a marvellous man indeed.

Kenton hasn’t done his homework: Wed 20.06.12

The Archers Wednesday 20th June 2012

Lynda’s behaving oddly
Sports Vs Culture at the Village Fete committee
Ruth’s swithering
Matt’s being thoughtful
Watch out for Hilary Noakes’ Damson Jam
The Ambridge Torch
Excuse me, Lynda does the posters!
The field has approval
Just let Amy go

Lynda’s behaving oddly

[Kenton] “Are you all right? I’d just been wondering whether you’d be struck by lightning or if you’re channelling your inner scarecrow”

[Lynda] “I’m sorry?”

[Kenton] “Lynda, you’re standing stock still in the middle of the village”

[Lynda] “Ah, no … look, there, beyond that oak.”

[Kenton] “Oh yes, birds.”

[Lynda] “Not just birds Kenton, they’re my peregrines and they’re fledglings. What a wonderful sight!”

[Kenton] “Not if you’re a pigeon, I imagine.”

[Lynda] “Oh how very prosaic!”

Lynda was also a bit perturbed Kenton reporting that he often sees the peregrines while he’s outside The Bull. He’s not even remotely interested. But this was the first time she’s seen the fledglings.

Sports Vs Culture at the Village Fete committee

Though Lynda told Kenton that she expected to hear great things about his plans for the sports elements of the Fete, Kenton did take the hint, and so didn’t prepare for the committee meeting.

Silly Kenton.

Half way through the committee meeting, Kenton decides to get everyone a drink. And then has the nerve to ask Matt to take the drink upstairs to the meeting.

[Kenton] “Just tell them I’ve been waylaid by a customer … you do happen to know any good village websites, do you?”

(Surprisingly, Matt agrees to be waiter. He really is in a great mood these days)

Course, Lynda has done her homework. For the Cultural Olympiad part of the fete, Lynda has planned for a dance festival, with the Morris men from Waterley Cross:

[Lynda] “Thereby marrying the sporting with the cultural.”

Compare even just this one example of Lynda’s work to Kenton’s cobbled together ideas.

A tug of war, across the river Am. And Dragon boat racing.

[Kenton] “So many kids are wrapped in cotton wool today; they need to experience a bit of risk and adventure.”

Lynda is horrified that Kenton has put such little thought into the sports.

Actually, I thought his ideas were fine, for starters.

Ruth’s swithering

Ruth told Usha about the threats they’ve been receiving, and the reason for the Open Farm Sunday chaos.

[Usha] “Just stick it out. You’ll be so glad you did.”

[Ruth] “I’m not sure Jill’s so sure. Nor me.”

Uh oh.

Will Ruth let David get to court?

Matt’s being thoughtful

Who’d have thunk it?

After Jolene mentioned to Matt that she and Kenton couldn’t afford to go to New Zealand, Matt then mentioned it to Jill.

[Matt] “Oh well, you can’t always get what you want, as the Rolling Stones once said.”

Later on, Jill is late for the committee meeting because (she claims) she had to pop home to check she’d closed her bedroom windows.

But she’s actually gone back to get her cheque book. She wants to pay for Kenton and Jolene to go to New Zealand.

[Jill] “It’s easy to find excuses to not go to somewhere so far away … you and Meriel deserve to spend some time together … families are what’s important, not money. I’m only too glad I can help.”

Watch out for Hilary Noakes’ Damson Jam

[Lynda] “Jim didn’t realise that Hilary Noakes Damson Jam still has the stones in it.”

Jim now has a chipped tooth, and horrific toothache. He’s even had to miss the Fete committee.

At least Jim’s excuse was better than Vicky’s. She sent a text to Lynda saying:

[Lynda] “ (text from Vicky) “Sorry, suddenly came over all tired, limbs like led, dropped off in armchair” …”

The Ambridge Torch

Not to be outdone by the Olympic Torch, Ambridge shall have its own.

It’ll be part of the opening ceremony of the Fete, and the committee has decided that it’ll be carried round a route that everyone can see and cheer on.

Exciting …!

Excuse me, Lynda does the posters!

[Lynda] “May I interject?”

[Kenton] “Interject away.”

Lynda was a bit put out that at the committee, there was talk of posters being made.

Actually, Lynda and Robert always make the posters (so it would seem). Lynda and Robert have the “latest software”, and Lynda and Robert always make sure the posters using copy which won’t exclude.

Kenton has a lot to learn about who does what when it comes to community projects.

The field has approval

The riverside field that BL gifted to the village had been awarded its deed of dedication, and a plaque is on the way. The committee decided that the field will be dedicated to the Queen.

(how can they have just decided that when the plaque has already been sent?)

Just let Amy go

Usha tells Ruth that Amy didn’t even bother to get her a card for her 50th.

[Ruth] “Silly girl.”

[Usha] “She’s getting her own back. No one likes home truths.”

Usha is worried that now Amy has fled to Alice’s, she’ll next move into sharing a shared flat for good.

[Usha] “We might never get a proper chance to make things up.”

Usha compares this situation to David and Elizabeth.

But no – that doesn’t work.

Elizabeth isn’t speaking to David because she believes David contributed to Nigel dying.

Amy isn’t speaking to Usha because Amy’s boyfriend was married.

Elizabeth is distraught and unreasonable.

Amy is indeed just a silly girl.

Neil has a good and bad day: Thurs 14.06.12

The Archers Thursday 14th June 2012

Neil’s spotted the Ambridge Beast
Neil’s a hungry chap
Fancy donuts from America
Ifty goes into Susan’s bad book
Neil’s off the cricket team
The Barbeque doesn’t get Adam’s mojo back
Usha shouts at Amy

Neil’s spotted the Ambridge Beast

Neil bursts in at home with earth shattering news. Though Susan makes him put his boots on newspaper first …

[Neil] “Lynda’s monster. I’ve seen it. It’s a wild boar, a proper beast. The beast of Ambridge … massive it is, body dark grey, face is speckled white and it has tusks.”

[Neil] “(he’d seen it at Nightingale Farm) right outside the house, bold as brass Looked me straight in me eye, and then ran off towards the gardens.”

[Susan] “Oh Neil, well this is a scoop … you’ve solved the mystery of the monster!”

[Neil] “Might not be so lucky for my pigs. I’ll have to make extra sure they’re penned in tonight, I don’t want to risk any cross breeding.”

Well. That’s that then? Though I wouldn’t be so quick to pen up the pigs - could be a while new business venture.

Susan is beyond herself with glee.

[Susan] “It’s a moment in history … the moment the monster was identified by you!”

Neil’s a hungry chap

He got quite irritated that his lunch wasn’t ready there and then.

And sounds like he tucked into a 3 course dinner later on.

Fancy donuts from America

Keith brought them for Brad and Chelsea, Tracey gave them to Susan as:

[Susan] “Tracey reckons the sugar makes the kids even more hyper than usual.”

Neil enjoyed them. He really didn’t stop eating today.

By-the-by - what sort of donut were they on about?

Ifty goes into Susan’s bad book

Oh dear.

First, Susan is embarrassed that Tracey has been chasing after Ifty.

[Susan] “I can do without her making a spectacle of herself.”

Then she heard Neil was off the cricket team …

Neil’s off the cricket team

Or at the very least, sounds like he’s being rested for a bit.

After making her point to Ifty the other day that Neil didn’t want to leave the team, when Alistair called to talk to Neil, Susan assumed it was because Alistair was resigning – and Neil would be captain.

[Susan] “You are the elder statesman.”

But no.

[Neil] “I’ve lost my place in the team, Susan”

Seems the Ambridge Cricket team doesn’t need Neil’s “stature and experience”. And he has too many bad habits that are now too ingrained.

[Neil] “Suppose I’ll have to face the fact that I’m not as quick as I was, not as sharp … the glory days, are in the past.”

[Susan] “I’ll be the judge of that!”

Susan asks if anyone has been dropped:

[Susan] “I bet you that Iftikhar is at the bottom of this … he wants his favourites in the side … the team was doing fine before he turned up … he barged in like a bull in a china shop … and he’s been leading our Tracey a merry dance … oh, size of one Neil … mark my words, this Ifty's bad news. I can feel it!”

Phew! The wind doesn’t change as often as Susan’s mind.

The Barbeque doesn’t get Adam’s mojo back

At the pickers’ barbeque:

[Ian] “I’ve tasted weaker absinthe”

[Adam] “Well, she does call it the devil in disguise”

Adam’s on drinks, Brian’s on cooking meat. Seems Brian was beyond excitement about using the new tongs Jennifer had bought for him.

Adam seems to be enjoying himself at first, but Ian later finds him trying to get a rest, and also feeling quite sorry for himself.

[Adam] “This is my event, I’m supposed to be in charge, and I can’t even pour drinks properly.”

Usha shouts at Amy

Amy seems to be constantly regressing into her teens.

Today, she’d left a mess. Usha found her sat on the settee in the mess.

[Usha] “Look if you don’t want to talk to me fine, but we have to share this place and I expect you to clear up after yourself.”

[Amy] “What’s the point? You only end up rearranging it … you’re a control freak, you run this house, your try and run dad, thing is, you can’t run me”

[Usha] “Well I am sick of your rudeness”

[Amy] “I don’t care.”

Later on:

[Usha] “Sulk over?”

[Amy] “I’m not interested in listening to you”

[Usha] “You’re punishing me because I didn’t know what the right thing to do was … would you have believed me … you would have twisted it some way and hated me for interfering … Look, I’m tired of being blamed when the person you should be blaming is getting off scot free … I’m not taking it anymore, I understand you’re hurting, but you’ve got to get a grip on your life.”

[Amy] “You can’t speak to me like this!”

[Usha] “But you can speak to me however you want, you can do whatever you want?”

Amy gets to leave:

[Usha] “You can’t just walk out!”

But she does.

I wouldn’t have complained about that is I was Usha. Better to be shot of Amy in her current state.

Monday, 25 June 2012

Amy really is a scary stalker: Wed 13.06.12

The Archers Wednesday 13th June 2012

David’s teas are worse than Ruth’s?
There’s no point talking to her, Alan
David must testify
What a cliché!

David’s teas are worse than Ruth’s?

Now that takes some taking. It’s a marvel their three kids have had enough sustenance to grow.

Ruth’s was off out tonight, so Ben reckons David sorting tea will mean sandwiches.

Poor Ben.

There’s no point talking to her, Alan

[Alan] “I’m saying atmosphere’s not good for anyone … she is not a bad person,. She would never intentionally hurt you.”

Alan tells Amy she’s destroying their family, and asks her to sit down and talk with him and Usha.

But no.

The silly wee brat won’t.

Now there’s a surprise.

[Amy] “Usha lied to me and she thinks I go out with married men. The truth is, that relationship, it meant something to me dad”

*sigh*

Later, Usha to Ruth:

[Usha] “Apparently someone once described stepchildren as in-laws who you have to love but who actually hate you.”

[Ruth] “That bad, eh?”

Oh yes.

Alan tells Usha what happened earlier on:

[Alan] “I was trying to talk to her, she wouldn’t engage, she just went.”

He’s been trying to call her since, but Amy isn’t answering. The hospital has also been trying to get in touch about her shifts.

I hate to say it – but I really couldn’t care less what’s happened to Amy. Just as long as we get a wee bit of peace from her …

David must testify

So reckoned Usha, when Ruth told her about what’s been happening at Brookfield.

Seems everything has calmed down for a bit. Ben isn’t having nightmares, and with Ed and Bert also in on the bad doings, Ruth feels a bit safer being part of a crowd.

She wants to now go ahead with Open Farm Sunday. What with the Police, and the stewards, she thinks the gang won’t do anything.

However, Ruth’s now thinking ahead to the court case:

[Ruth] A big part of me wants David to pull out.”

[Usha] “To not testify? You can’t do that … what kind of world will Josh and Ben grown up in if people like David don’t do the right thing?”

(what about Pip?)

[Ruth] “Who will protect me kids Usha?”

Simples, reckons Usha.

David tells the truth in court. The bad men get jailed.

[Usha] “You will come out of this stronger Ruth. You, David and the kids.”

Either which way, Ruth feels better for sharing. And is muchly looking forward to Usha’s birthday party.

[Ruth] “I feel like I’ve been living in this weird bubble.”

What a cliché!

Very irritating, but Alice tracked down Amy.

She called while Amy was listening to Christina Aguilera’s I Am Beautiful.

Amy was sobbing as she talked down the phone to Alice.

She had gone to the café she and Carl (once) went to.

And was now sat outside Carl’s flat.

[Amy] “He hasn’t shown up. I’ve been here since 6 o’ clock. Where is he Alice? Why isn’t Carl here? I can’t let him go. I just can’t …”

Oh goodness me!

Alice tells Amy to stay put. She’s on her way to take Amy back to hers.

Chris will be happy about that (!).

That Amy also needs to try and be original once in a while.

Amy is a horrid wee lass 07.06.02

The Archers Thursday 7th June 2012

Amy is childish
“That dreadful woman from BAFF”
Amy is nasty

Amy is childish

Amy had taken a phone call at the Vicarage earlier in the week, where she grunted and basically said ‘whatever’ to whoever had been calling.

Turns out it was Jolene. Calling to say that Alan and Usha couldn’t have The Bull upstairs for Usha’s birthday on the night they had wanted to hold it.

Amy didn’t pass the message on.

Alan’s furious.

That Amy was trying to ruin Usha’s birthday. And that Amy made her own decision about the reason for Jolene’s call. As Alan pointed out, folks phone the vicarage for a number of reasons, often to talk about problems that are distressing them. They may just talk business to cover that they really need Alan’s help.

“That dreadful woman from BAFF”

Jennifer and Adam were at their stall, at the market, when Jennifer recognised Hattie from Borchester Against Factory Faming. Hattie was handing out leaflets.

[Hattie] “We’re just making shoppers are aware your links to industrial farming”

[Jennifer] “This is outrageous. You’re damaging our trade!”

[Hattie] “I’m simply pointing out the facts. People can make up their own minds.”

[Jennifer] “Well, I’d advise you to stop. This leaflet is probably libellous … Look, are you going to go away or do I have to call the market manager … you are conducting a personal vendetta against our family … it’s taken us years to build up this business and you just want to destroy it.”

Adam steps in, sending Jennifer back to their stall (customers were waiting).

He has a more rational discussion with Hattie. She knows Adam is also against the Super Dairy, so has a bit more respect for him. He also explains that if she continues to drive trade away from the stall selling his produce, the land he uses will likely just be folded into the Super Dairy.

[Adam] “Erm, would it compromise your principles to move a bit further away, it is a very direct attack you’re making.”

Which Hattie does do.

[Jennifer] “I see Miss Doomsday has moved along a bit”

[Adam] “She’s idealistic yes, and probably impracticable …”

[Jennifer] “I’d like to see her run a farm … we’d all be starving …alright, maybe she’s well intentioned.”

Jennifer also has to back down, as Hattie leafleting may get Jennifer, not Hattie, thrown out (what logic that comes from is anyone’s guess). She also had to accept that Hattie is closer to Adam’s opinions that any of the family.

Amy is nasty

After Alan shouted at Amy for not telling him about Jolene’s call, Amy has a go at Usha the moment she gets her alone.

[Amy] “You managed to turn my dad against me, again .. sitting there gloating while he had a go against me … you know your trouble, all you’ve had to think about is yourself, all your life, 50 years of having to consider no one else .. self-important job, no kids, and no chance of them arriving now to disturb your selfish life is there?!?”

[Usha] “I don’t have to listen to this. I’m ashamed of you.”

When Alan finds out, he manages to get Amy to admit that she called Usha selfish as she has no kids. Alan’s furious, again.

[Amy] “She treats me like a schoolgirl.”

[Alan] “Maybe because you’re behaving like one … this isn’t you … spite doesn’t suit you Amy. No matter how much you’re hurting.”

If I was Amy’s parent, I’d have kicked her out by now. She’s old enough to be looking after herself.

Sunday, 24 June 2012

Amy’s starting to scare me 05.06.12

The Archers Tuesday 5th June 2012

Usha bites back
Nic’s on heat
Carl is 100% definitely married, and …
Naughty fox (literally!)

Usha bites back

Quite right too!

Amy’s was doing her usual moody teenager routine, slopping about the kitchen. She was also complaining that Alan was away, but hadn’t told her.

[Usha] “I think you’ll find he did mention it.”

[Amy] “Yeah well, he doesn’t tell me anything anyway”

[Usha] “All I know is he was relieved to be getting away for the day!”

Amy responded that it’s actually Usha Alan’s trying to get away from – but that Usha blames anyone but herself.

(what a nerve!)

Nic’s on heat

Now we know that Nic and Will want to have a baby, but Nic is now one of many Ambridge residents who have recently been getting quite fruity. Must be because the bad weather is keeping everything indoors.

Nic cornered Will as he was coming out of the shop. She’d caught him buying more for his lunch, even though she’d made and given him sandwiches. What’s worse is that Nic knew Will wouldn’t have been adding healthy options in.

[Nic] “Oh you’re not after bananas. Chocolate bar more like!”

Nic most definitely wants her man on good, healthy food. She needs him to take care of himself.

[Nic] “It’s a special time, today and tomorrow, been checking. So give yourself an easy day if you can … I don’t want you tired out”

[Will] “I don’t think you’ll be disappointed”

(ugh!)

As Nic was leaving, Chris came along. He noticed Will was looking pleased with himself.

[Chris] “What’s this? You on a promise tonight?”

Carl is 100% definitely married, and …

… Amy is increasingly looking to be emotionally and mentally unstable.

After Googling and speaking to Annabelle, Alice worked out Carl’s wife’s firm. Then found their website. Luckily enough, the firm seems to think putting a great depth of personal information about their employees is a good thing to do.

Alice met Amy to tell her about what she’s found out about Carl. She hasn’t taken Carl’s name, sticking with her maiden name of Barrett.

[Amy] “It’s not much of a name, Barrett, it’s not very exciting.”

[Alice] “She’s a school governor”

[Amy] “Goodness, Never a dull moment with this woman!”

[Alice] “She’s a parent governor in a primary school …”

[Amy] “No …”

[Alice] “Carl’s a father.”

[Amy] “No. No he’d have said. You must have got it wrong. … I know Carl. He’s loving. And he’s kind. He’d never have let me get that close if he was in love with whatever her name”

[Alice] “But, some guys … that’s how they are. They don’t see the contradiction in these things v… look at the facts. They’re married and they live together.”

Amy then ranted something about Carl’s wife not feeling secure enough in her marriage to change her name. And that Carl must only be with her because of the kids.

[Carl] “It’s no wonder he had to be so tough with me … he most have found it so hard when he phoned to say it was over. He was doing it for the child.”

[Alice] “The guys got a wife and a family!”

[Amy] “And he’d tried to keep it together cause that’s what he’s like. And now he’s in love with me. Oh, he must be hurting.”

Cue The Psycho theme tune … that Amy’s a real worry.

Naughty fox (literally!)

Will got home from work to find steak, followed by raspberry pavlova, on the table. And a Nic still feeling more than ready to make babies.

But, he can’t stay. A “rogue” fox has been making a nuisance of itself, and must be stopped there and then, that night.

(begs the question of how a non-rogue fox would be treated)

Nic is furious.

[Nic] “And what am I supposed to do in the meantime … this is the first time in my life I’ve been stood up for a fox”

Nic calmed down, and made Will a sandwich to take back out with him.

I’m actually starting to feel sorry for Will here.

Thursday, 31 May 2012

The sausage game 28.05.12

The Archers Monday 28th May 2012

Pip’ll be serving burgers at the Beacon
Darrington won
Usha shouts at Amy
Tony’s made sandwiches
Ruth has a panic button
Tony’s hired an aging rocker called Trevor
What’s wrong with a Vintage Sunbeam?
The sausage game

Pip’ll be serving burgers at the Beacon

Well, that’s one way to celebrate the Jubilee, I suppose. Though, as Pip points out, she does get paid for being at something she would have gone to anyway.

Darrington won
Seems Ambridge got a “respectable” 180, but they were “chasing” 214.

From the way David told it, I assume that’s particularly bad?

Usha shouts at Amy

It’s about time!

Amy wanted to put something into the wash. Usha already had something in, but offered to out Amy’s on after. Amy says no, and wants to tale her clothes back.

[Usha] “Oh Amy, that’s ridiculous”

[Amy] “I don’t need you to do my washing, okay!”

[Usha, losing patience] “Right how long are you going to keep this up?”

Usha tells Amy that she’s the one tearing Alan apart. He builds the bridge, she smashes them down. Usha was especially angry about the effort Alan went to the other night when he cooked Amy’s favourite curry (a recipe of Mabel’s). Amy claims she did have some:

[Usha] “Yeah, skulking round the kitchen when we were gone, like a teenager”

[Amy] “He didn’t say you’d be there …”

[Usha] “I’M HIS WIFE, WHERE ELSE WOULD I BE? I LIVE HERE. He went to so much trouble ... poor Alan”

[Amy] “You've always had your own agenda, all that I'm your stepmother stuff, it was always a sham”

[Usha] “You don’t really believe that”

[Amy] “Don't I?”

Och Amy – go boil yer heid!

Tony’s made sandwiches

[Tom] “Oh, blimey!”

Tony making lunch is not a common occurrence.

And we find out why – he’s made a beef and avocado, plus brie and mushroom.

Odd. Tom chooses the brie and mushroom, but then wants to put ketchup on it.

Ach, pick the mushroom out ya fussy lad!

Ruth has a panic button

And now even locks the door behind her.

Pondering how they will run Open Farm Sunday while being on such high alert. Their only answer is to keep everything locked, and make the tour shorter.

Cancel it would be safer, surely?

Tony’s hired an aging rocker called Trevor

Tony’s on fire today!

First the sandwiches, now he’s actually hired in someone to help with the milking.

It’s a bloke called Trevor. Who is in a band. But is “no spring chicken” (according to Pat, who hasn’t met him yet).

Trevor will work 5 days a week, 1 weekend a month, covering the afternoon milking. Trevor used to have his own herd and though he doesn’t miss the morning milking, he’s looking forward to working again (him and his wife also need the cash).

[Tom] “An old rocker, keeping his hand in eh. I bet he's got a ponytail!”

Tony’s seemingly most pleased with himself.

What’s wrong with a Vintage Sunbeam?

Trevor owns one, which made Tom groan.

Worried about Trevor and Tony spending hours just gazing at it?

The sausage game

[Ben] “Mum, dad can we play sausages?”

They said yes. Here it is:

[Ben] “Mum, what did you brush your teeth with today?”

[Ruth] “Sausages”

[Ben] “Pip, what does Spencer wear on his feet?”

[Pip] “Sausages”

[Ben] “Dad, what do you cut your hair with?”

[David, laughing] “Sausages”

Aha – David lost! You’re not supposed to laugh.

His forfeit (set by Ben) was to get under the table - then bark like a dog.

Though Ruth had the last word:

[Ruth] “What's Tom's only topic of conversation?”

All together now … Sausages!

Alan’s back to being Usha’s husband 27.05.12

(not just exclusively Amy’s dad)

The Archers Sunday 27th June 2012

Brookfield to be filmed
Alan gives Usha a lovely Sunday in bed
Brookfield’s sheep are being weighed
Ben’s forced to watch the cricket

Brookfield to be filmed

[Ruth] “So, we've finally joined the surveillance society”

David and Ruth are choosing security cameras online. They also decide to tell Pip what’s going on, as she’s the most vulnerable one (being out and about the most by herself).

Worryingly, David’s taken to sleeping with a shotgun next to the bed. Ruth nearly hit it instead of the alarm clock …

[Ruth] “We’re sitting targets”

[David] “Well, they may be scum, but they can't be completely stupid. They won’t want to be caught on camera”

[Ruth] “Everything's changing, isn’t it?”

Would seem so. The days of being able to leave their doors unlocked are (at least temporarily) gone.

[David] “Ruth, I am not going to let these thugs get in my head … Think about it, why are they doing this, how do they want us to feel, rattled and insecure ... they are not taking over our lives ...”

[Ruth] “I must say Farm Sunday is the last thing I feel like doing right now”

Sounds like the bad men are winning …

Alan gives Usha a lovely Sunday in bed

(yes – nearly in ‘that’ way. What’s going on with the older-than-young-but-not-quite-old Ambridge married couples? Why all of the randyness?)

He comes home after early communion (where he only had half a dozen people attend, but seemed happy enough with that), to find Usha still in bed. She stayed there after she’d heard Amy up and about. Usha wanted to wait until Amy went back to her room.

[Alan] “You shouldn't have to hide away”

[Usha] “I'm not. I'm just avoiding unnecessary confrontation”

[Alan] “God has committed us to the work of reconciliation”

[Usha] “Well water wears a stone down eventually”

Usha has the measure of Amy. She thinks Amy is running rings round her and Alan.

[Usha] “We need to get on with our lives, you and I”

So they do. Seems Usha is 50 next month, and Alan wants them to celebrate properly.

A meal at Grey Gables? A party outside? Aha – hiring The Bull upstairs.

But they can’t do it on the 17th (Usha’s actual birthday) as it’s also Open Farm Sunday – which David and Ruth will be running at Brookfield.

(wonder why they didn’t ask Brian to do it this year)

Either which way, Usha is ever so happy that Alan’s being nice/normal to her again.

[Usha] “You have cheered up my morning, darling”

[Alan] “So, do you want her there?”

[Usha] “Yes, yes I do, though whether she'll want to be there is another matter”

*sigh*

Amy will manage to ruin Usha’s birthday, one way or another.

When Alan mentions their plans for Usha’s birthday, Amy says she expects to be working. When Alan tries to reason with her:

[Amy] “Don't you get it dad, I don’t want anything to do with her!”

Usha overheard. But I don’t suppose she’ll be surprised, or shocked, to hear Amy talk that way anymore.

Brookfield’s sheep are being weighed

Must be slaughter time for some of them.

Ben’s forced to watch the cricket

Wee toot.

Ruth and David make him go and watch the Darrington game – where everything knows Ambridge will be gubbed.

They only wanted him safely somewhere else, as they’d be too busy working to keep an eye on him. So no need for such punishment!

Slow day, despite an escaped rat 22.05.12

The Archers 22nd May 2012

We haven’t had a slow Ambridge day for a while. But here it was:

Adam has gaps in his garden
After weeding so much

Adam and Ian got to a garden centre
To have lunch and buy colourful plants. Adam gets tired.

Ian thinks Keith looks like a medallion man
But Adam says Clive was the ‘down the top with a worm’ bad ‘un

Keith gave Chelsea a hamster called Hopkirk, Brad a rat called Randall
Randall escape under the sofa

Blood relations do not include fathers of the child
[Keith on Tracey’s ex] “But he’s not a Horrobin trace. He’s low life”

Confirmation Adam has red hair
[Keith] “He hasn’t changed at all. I’d recognise that red hair anywhere”
(so the chap on the BBC website definitely isn’t Adam)

Alan tells Amy Usha will be there for the curry
So Amy calls off

Keith would rather Sam and Ash got married in Gretna
He’d even pay for their bus fare (as it’s cheaper)

Mr Penguin leaves Ambridge 17.05.12

The Archers Thursday 17th May 2012

The Ambridge Beast is grubbing Ed’s pastures?
Joe’s not the eldest elder statesman
Answers do come in Church
Bye bye, Mr Penguin

The Ambridge Beast is grubbing Ed’s pastures?

[Joe] “So George believes in Lynda Snells' monster then, does he?”

[Ed] “Yeah, along with the tooth fairy and the troll under the bride ... he's been drawing picture, running around growling, scaring Keira”

[Joe] “You’re supposed to have a fertile imagination at that age. Can't the same for the Snell woman ... she's off her rocker”

Ed then gets distracted. He can see his pasture has been grubbed again.

Joe reckons it could be a pig (as Ed reckons). Though he’s also guessing it could be a wild boar. Or even the Ambridge beast.

[Joe] “Ring your brother. he might have seen summit”

Ed’s (understandably) not keen to call Will. But, he is the chap to talk to about what might be wandering about the estate. So he does. But Will hasn’t seen anything.

[Joe] “It could still be wild boar then. You ants to be careful Ed, they can be vicious animals. Remember when your dad was attacked?”

[Ed] “Yeah, so he says”

[Joe] “What, don’t you believe him? Hey Clarrie, you tell the lad, Eddie was attacked by a wild boar?”

[Clarrie] “Oh,. I remember summit. You know Eddie though”

[Ed] “Well, whatever it was, it's wrecking my pasture”

[Ed] “I'll keep my eye out for the rampaging boars”

Joe’s not the eldest elder statesman

Joe’s heard that Lynda needs someone to cut the giant jubilee cake.

[Joe] “An elder statesman. Who do you reckon that sounds like then?”

[Ed] “I don’t know, Oliver?”

[Joe] “I was walking the fields round here when the Queen’s grandfather was on the throne. I’ve been dropping a few hints to Clarrie, subtle like ...”

As Clarrie talks Nic through baking some of the sponges for the giant cake:

[Nic] “I can just see me turning up with some burnt stodgy brick thing”

Clarrie talks about how “subtle” Joe’s been:

[Clarrie] “He ain't stopped banging on. You’d think he was getting knighted or something”

Later on:

[Clarrie, back from the village shop] “Now Joe, I've got some bad new I’m afraid”

[Joe] “What do say that ain’t got no humbugs”

[Clarrie] “Mr Pullen's going to do it”

[Joe] “WHAT! Pullen!”

[Clarrie] “Well he is the oldest person in the village. He's 96”

(did Clarrie say 96? I though Bob was 99)

[Joe] “I thought they wanted elder not eldest. I thought they was looking for someone dignified, with a bit of gravitas ... what happens if he gets caught short ... decisions made behind closed doors”

[Clarrie] “It's the women's institute!”

[Joe] “Exactly, a discriminatory organisation”

Joe thinks all the ‘elder’ names should have gone into a hat for a fair, random draw.

Though I suspect he still would have claimed foul play if he still hadn’t won.

Answers do come in Church

Usha interrupts Alan as he’s praying in Church. She makes him sit down with her. And asks him to stop being angry with her.

[Usha] “I understand why you;re upset, but you can't keep taking it out on me ... I’m not the enemy here, but at the moment it's two against one”

[Alan] “I don’t know hat you expect me to do. I’m trying to pick up the pieces. Amy's the one who's been hurt here, don’t blame me for the way she feels about you”

[Usha] “Well don’t blame me either Alan. I've said I’m sorry. I’ve admitted I handled things badly … It's been really hurtful, but I don’t think you’ve even noticed ... in your heart, you think she's right. You don't kiss me good night anymore”

[Alan] “I didn’t realise. I haven't been thinking. I suppose I’ve been so engrossed with Amy, it’s so hard to see her going through this, she's my little girl, all I want to do is take that pain away … I’m angry, but I should have taken it out on you”

[Usha] “I just want us to deal with it together. I ;love you Alan, and I love Amy,. Please don’t shut me out”

Later on, as they leave the Church, they sound reconciled and relaxed with each other.

[Alan] “Some vicar I am. I’m meat to be giving marriage classes tonight. I don’t feel very qualified right now”

[Usha] “I know she's heartbroken, but it goes deeper than that. It's about her mum?”

Alan reckons so. Amy really has no-one to trust but Alan.

Where does that leave Usha? On the outside.

Bye bye, Mr Penguin

Nic has been doing some clearing out, taking the unwanted and unused to the charity shop.

Mia wants to help.

[Mia] “It's to go in the bags. For the poor people”

Mia puts in some books, and Mr Penguin.

[Mia] “I know, but I don’t need him anymore. I’m a big girl now … Bye bye Mr penguin”

Nic sounded quite upset. Her wee girl must be growing up.

Hope Mr Penguin finds another nice little young ‘un to spend retirement with.

Usha doesn’t get to watch Toy Story 16.05.12

The Archers Wednesday 16th May

Amy wants biscuits
Court shadowed by Lynda
David’s on heat
Sounds like Josh & Phoebe is more Josh
Toy Story
Emma’s back at work
Usha turns to Ruth

Amy wants biscuits

But there aren’t any. Alan makes her a cheese sandwich instead.

Amy had only had a few chocolates during the day, which had been bought for her be a glowing couple who’d she’d midwifed for. They’d actually upset her by just being a couple:

[Amy] “Even that couple ... well, it’s not nice ... when I saw them together, and they were so happy ... (she starts crying. Usha comes in) … oh no … (and leaves)”

Alan isn’t any friendlier to Usha. He mentions that he’s off to visit a Mrs Smyth. Usha remembers her as being important to Alan, as she made him feel so welcome when he first arrived in Ambridge. But Alan blanks her. Again.

Court shadowed by Lynda

David was telling Ruth that the nasty men who attached Adam are in remand, next step is Crown Court.

[David] “Adam sounded pretty good ...visitations from Lynda aside. She's been pestering him about his garden ... apparently it’s blighting the village green”

Seems Adam gave in to Lynda (we did hear his reply to her badgering the other day), and David also reports that Tom (via Darrell and Elona) also gave way.

[David] “Apparently every beautiful village requires a Stalinist reign of terror”

David’s on heat

Ghastly, but unfortunately true.

She and David find themselves in Brookfield alone, which is a very rare occurrence.

[David] “Unless, that is, you don't fancy, um ...”

[Ruth] “Go and do your work mister, that'll cool you off in no time”

Blimey. Wonder if those will have a late baby … *shudder*

(anyway, sounded like Josh was still in the house)

Sounds like Josh & Phoebe is more Josh

We heard Josh and Phoebe talking on Skype today. Josh was excited about taking Phoebe to cricket during the summer (is Phoebe coming back then? Just for the summer, or for good?). Phoebe sounded rather nonplussed.

(David came in to kick Josh off so he could get some work done. Seems David thinks the only way to talk on Skype is to shout).

Later on, David teases Josh.

[David] “You're going to impress Phoebe with his cricketing prowess. He's going to show her his googlies!”

Josh is not amused. But I think David’s rush. Josh has his first proper crush.

Toy Story

Is what Alan puts on to try and comfort Amy. It was her favourite as a child. (good lordy that makes me feel old).

[Alan] “Back then, I could just put in on, cuddle up on the sofa, and in a minute she'd be lost in it … I want to help her, like I used to. I just feel so useless. She doesn't deserve this”

[Usha] “No, but you can't protect her from the world, can you?”

When Amy comes into the room with popcorn, Usha leaves them to it. Neither of them is making her feel particularly welcome or wanted.

Later on, Alan’s paused the film. Amy thinks it’s because he’s scared (especially of the spider doll).

[Alan] “Oh come on, it's like something out of the exorcist!”

He wants to talk to Amy. She’s all adrift, with no-one but him to turn to:

[Amy] “You're the only one I know you really loves me”

Alan reckons her next man friend will have to go through a hefty set of tests before he’ll get to date her:

[Alan] “CV, birth certificate, blood group”

But when Alan tries to talk to Amy about Usha, she clams up again.

Emma’s back at work

Well, after she left Lower Loxley, she didn’t quite Brookfield at the same time. But, she’s now back at Lower Loxley for the weekend. Ruth reckons they need the cash.

Well, Princess attire does cost.

Usha turns to Ruth

Well, Alan isn’t listening.

[Ruth] “I’m sure that once she gets over the shock, she'll see you were in an impossible situation”

[Usha] “If I ask about her, he says it’s none of my business ... if he got angry, actually started shouted, at least we could deal with it, but this ... I’m sick of it Ruth. He can see how she's treating me. Perhaps it’s his way of punishing me”

[Ruth] “Usha, you’ve got to stop blaming this yourself. It wasn’t your fault”

[Usha] “I’m not sure I’ve even entered his thoughts”

[Ruth] “if Alan won’t see it, then you'll just to make him”

Easier said than done. Amy and Alan formed a fairly exclusive bond after Catherine died.

Lynda gets squiffy 14.05.12

The Archers Monday 14th May 2012

The recession finally hits Elizabeth?
Racing insect larvae
Ambridge lost (badly) to Waterly Cross
A lethal cocktail
The Fields in Trust have visited
Roy doesn’t seem keen to leave for home
Lynda’s on a Britain in Bloom mission

The recession finally hits Elizabeth?

Seems business isn’t blooming at Lower Loxley.

[Jill] “Well at least people are still getting married. Don’t worry darling, I’m sure business will pick up”

Racing insect larvae

The Village Fete committee convenes

It was tonight, at The Bull. With Kenton also on the committee, alongside the usual suspects, to help with the games. Obviously, they play an important part this year because of the Olympics.

[Kenton] “London better watch. After I’m finished, the Ambridge Fete will be THE festival of sport”

As Kenton outlines his plans:

[Lynda] “Kenton, you’re not serious, a caterpillar race!”

[Kenton] “Absolutely”

[Lynda] “So, in addition to hurling boots around …”

[Kenton] “Ah, competitive well wanging”

[Lynda] “And bouncing about on space hoppers”

[Jill] “The children would love that!”

[Lynda] “You’re now saying we should descend to the level of racing insect larvae”

[Kenton] “No, we’re not going to actually race caterpillars Lynda. We tie people into sleeping bags, and they wriggle along the ground as if they were caterpillars”

[Lynda] “Oh, for goodness sake!”

[Jill, who is obviously in a good mood] “I think it sounds rather fun”

[Lynda] “Look, I can abide the tug of war, at least it was an Olympic sport, but please everyone, can we not aspire to something more elevated, such as my idea for a celebration of art, poetry and prose”

[Jill] “Kenton’s ideas would have a wider appeal”

They ask Usha (who is in the room, but very quiet. Only Jill seemed to notice, later remarking “Did Usha seem okay to you?”) about what she’d prefer:

[Lynda] “The imaginative output of the children of the village, beautifully displayed in the village hall”

[Kenton] “Or an adrenalin pumped battle between human caterpillars!”

Usha goes with caterpillars.

[Lynda] “What about those people who don’t like sport. We’re going to have so much of it this summer, we can’t all be athletes can we, I’m thinking particularly of the youngsters now … I genuinely believe this elitist culture of competition can be extremely corrosive (sniff) I still have very painful memories of being ostracised at school because I wasn’t good at hockey. And these things leave scars”

[Kenton] “Yeah, on your shins maybe”

[Lynda] “Oh you can mock Kenton”

[Kenton] “I don’t think anyone’s going to be ostracised because they fall off their space hopper!”

It seems Lynda had her sports kit hidden at school, and, by the sounds of it, hasn’t got over it.

Jill suggests that they could have awards for stuff other than winning. Best sportsman like behaviour, and such.

[Kenton, sarcastically] “Sportsperson like, please”

[Jill, reminding him who’s mum] “Kenton!”

And with that, they all agree on Kenton’s rather than Lynda’s ideas.

[Lynda] “Left on the sidelines again …”

(oh good lord – was Lynda also the last picked for every game? No wonder she’s bitter).

Ambridge lost (badly) to Waterly Cross

The cricket team really does seem to be suffering minus Adam (due to injury), and the permanent loss of David and Robert.

Though Rhys has stepped up, he’s not exactly got the experience. Which Kenton is quick to point out.

[Kenton] “It was a compliment. It was. You just have an usual batting style. Have you played tennis?”

Rhys is not amused. He’d been laughed at enough during the game itself.

A lethal cocktail

[Kenton] “To her Madge. May her subjects never go thirsty”

For the Jubilee, you can order a picnic box from The Bull to then go and sit out to enjoy the party.

Kenton and Rhys are also creating jubilee themes cocktails.

They give Jill one to taste. She’s beyond horrified … one assumes because it’s so strong (knowing Rhys and Kenton). She makes Kenton promise not to give it to anyone else.

But, boys will be boys.

Kenton insists that Lynda sup of their cocktail before she leaves, after the committee meeting.

[Lynda] “I have to admit, that’s actually rather delicious”

It has sparkling wine, peach schnapps and cherry liqueur.

Kenton insists Lynda finishes her glass …

A few moments later, when Lynda is talking to Jill outside, Lynda is hiccupping. And sounding a bit slurred. Spotting something is awry …

[Jill] “Are you cycling home?”

The Fields in Trust have visited

And they should have approval for the site BL has (generously …!) given to the village.

Roy doesn’t seem keen to leave for home

Elizabeth even had to threaten to put his coat on him.

It’s well past office hours, but Roy is keen to keep going.

He’s excited about entering Lower Loxley wine for Wine of the Year.

[Elizabeth] “Thank you … You can’t imagine how proud Nigel would be”

Hayley won’t be so chuffed. I though Roy had earlier mentioned that she needed to get to the Fete committee meeting – but that Vicky and Mike could take care of the kids if need be.

But, Hayley wasn’t at the committee meeting. Oh dear. Could that have had something to do with Roy being late?

And is it just the work that’s keeping Roy so engrossed with lower Loxley?!?

Lynda’s on a Britain in Bloom mission

Though a tad tiddly, Lynda is genuinely concerned about Britain in Bloom.

She thinks she can rely on Jim and Christine doing them proud with both their gardens, and the village hall. Susan will take care of the Village Shop, Jolene The Bull. But, she’s concerned about Honeysuckle Cottage (Adam and Ian), and No.1 The Green (Tom and Brenda). Everyone facing the Green has to have a perfect garden.

Problem is, Adam and Ian have more important matters to care about (Adam recovering from his attack), and Tom and Brenda are fairly busy with work.

[Lynda] “But this is important. What about all the hard work everyone else is putting in”

[Jill] “Surely it’s the taking part that counts”

[Lynda] “Heavens no. I want to win. There’s no point doing it otherwise”

Oh blimey. Be very afraid, those of you round the Green without a perfect garden!