Elizabeth needs £300,000: Mon 04.02.12 #thearchers

The Archers Monday 4th February 2013

• The computer says “no” (to Elizabeth)
• Bert’s latest rhymes
• Lynda’s doing Vicky’s washing
• Vicky turns on Lynda

Lilian calls Matt a “smug bastard”: Tues 20.11.12 #thearchers

The Archers Tuesday 20th November 2012

• Vicky’s huge and captivating
• Wheelie Bins are Council responsibility
• Brenda’s back to making coffee
• Who knocked a post down?
• It doesn’t take much to excite Sabrina Thwaite
• Arthur died, Matt didn’t tell Lilian
• Lilian slips up
• The Bull’s Fashion Show

Vicky’s huge and captivating

[Roy] “She's pretty big now. Huge. She sort of suits it, though ... and Phoebe's really captivated by it all.”

Wheelie Bins are Council responsibility

So Brenda tells a “stupid” tenant.

Steady on Brenda.

As a marketer, you should know how important it is to build good customer relations.


Brenda’s back to making coffee

With Matt away, Lilian’s determined to get back into running her business. She reckons she’s left Brenda to cope alone long enough.

With Lilian back at the helm, Brenda’s immediately despatched to make coffee. Which Brenda will likely moan about just as much as when she was in charge.


Who knocked a post down?

Somebody did, at The Bull.

Though no-one seems concerned about it, so would seem it doesn’t matter.

Odd.


It doesn’t take much to excite Sabrina Thwaite

Seems she and her friends are very excited indeed about the forthcoming fashion show at the Bull.

[Lilian] “The yummy mummies, yes I can imagine.”

Arthur died, Matt didn’t tell Lilian

It fell to Brenda to mention it in passing.

Seems it happened a couple of weeks ago. Brenda was only talking about it as Joyce can’t stand to live in her and Arthur’s house anymore, so is moving into the flat Matt had been harassing them about.

So, Matt gets exactly what he wants.

[Brenda] “I would have thought he’d have mentioned it.”

[Lilian] “So would I!”

So, rather than go to The Bull’s fashion show, Lilian lies in wait for Matt.

When he gets in, he doesn’t start well:

[Matt] “Dinner ready?”

Then, when confronted by Lilian about Arthur, Matt claims he’s positive he told her. In fact, Matt blames Lilian for forgetting due to the “stress” of having James and Leonie around.

[Matt] “You shouldn’t beat yourself up about it.”

Oh Matt, you’re playing a dangerous game there …

Lilian’s adamant Matt didn’t tell her about Arthur. Because he didn’t. Matt would have been too focused on getting Joyce out of the bigger house, into the flat.

Lilian’s obviously upset. She’d spent a lot of time with Arthur when Joyce was in hospital. She would have wanted to go to Arthur’s funeral.

And, of course, she thinks Matt’s treatment of Arthur and Joyce led both to Joyce being hospitalised, and now Arthur dying.

Matt blames social services, and Arthur himself (!) for being stubborn.

[Matt] “The silver lining, at least Joyce can make a fresh start.”

[Lilian] “Oh you smug bastard. This is exactly what you wanted … that poor man’s death should be on your conscience. I don’t know how you can sleep at night,. And if you want some dinner, get it yourself!”

Oh Paul … it’s an open goal at the moment!


Lilian slips up

During their argument, Lilian tries to back her side up by saying that even Darrell didn’t know about Arthur dying.

[Matt] “How do you know he doesn’t know?”

Oops.

Better get better at lying, Lilian.


The Bull’s Fashion Show

The Bull is very busy for its inaugural fashion show.

But. The woman (someone called Leanne) who was supposed to compare has got ‘food poisoning’:

[Kenton] “That’s what she’s calling it.”

Quite right Kenton. ‘Food poisoning’ is always a rubbish excuse.

Anyhoo, Kenton steps up (again), to MC (again) and take the limelight (again).

[Kenton] “What I know about fashion, you could write on the back of a sequin.”

Kenton has the script for the show, so (technically) the audience didn’t have to suffer his quips all night.

But since when has Kenton ever stuck to the script?

[Kenton] “Ladies and … is that Jazzer at the back?”

Yes it was.

Since when has Jazzer passed up a chance to be in a room full of ladies?

Anyhoo, Kenton was very witty, and everyone had a fab night.

[Brenda] “Even Hilary Noakes is smiling!”

Blimey!

Emma gives George up: Wed 07.11.12 #thearchers

(though only for a few more nights)

The Archers Wednesday 7th November 2012

• Ruth needs a coven
• Nic tackles Emma
• Even Jennifer’s ignoring Lilian
• Bovril!
• Ed’s worried what they’ll say down the pub

Ruth needs a coven

Ruth and Usha want to do Macbeth’s witches for Lynda’s Elizabethan Christmas.

They’ve asked Susan and Jill.

Ruth asks Ed if Clarrie would do it:

[Ed] “Funnily enough, I couldn’t tell you.”

(where is Clarrie and why can’t she speak for herself?)

Though it seems Ruth does get a message to Clarrie, and she says no.

Hilary Noakes has also said no. Actually, she was offended to be asked.

So – after Susan, Jill, Clarrie and Hilary Noakes – Ruth asks Lilian.

[Lilian] “It might be a distraction, All the girls together!”

[Ruth] “Brilliant. Welcome to the coven!”

Nic tackles Emma

Nic tries to talk to Emma about George spending more time at her and Will’s. Though she does so by phone (which is sensible – impossible for Emma to cause bodily harm).

She tries to explain that it her and Ed who are missing out, rather than the kids. She knows Ed and Emma have been eating less, and having nothing for themselves, so that the kids can have.

Nic tells Emma that she, amongst all, understand her position. Nic was a single mum with Jake and Mia before she met Will. She had no job. Didn’t get out. Could only afford to heat their lounge. And had to buy alphabetti spaghetti on clearance.

[Nic] “I couldn’t bear for anyone to see how much I was struggling … we all go through tough times. There’s no shame in accepting help.”

Nic and Will are only suggesting George stays with them one extra night. And Nic empathises that she’s not suggesting she and Will could look after George better.

[Nic] “Anyone can see what a  great mum you are. I know we haven’t always got along, but we are family and we all care about George. If having George over to sleep one extra night helps you and Ed …”

Nic also tells Emma that Will’s sorry (hmmm!). And anyone, Emma should just ignore him.

[Nic] “We both know he can be an idiot sometimes!”

Even Jennifer’s ignoring Lilian

[Lilian] “She’s at the front door as soon as I’ve finished breakfast, and she’s still cooing over James at dinner.”

Lilian’s trying to talk to Jennifer, but Jennifer is far too busy. She’s trying to get the food organised for the shoot (the first of the year).

[Lilian] “All I want is a little support.”

Lucky Lilian has Paul …


Bovril!

Only really posh folks like those whom shoot with Brian and Will drink beef tea.

It’s Bovril to the rest of us.

Especially at this time of year at the football.

(as a totally unrelated aside – I’m a season ticket supporter at Queen of the South (Scottish second Division) who are the only unbeaten team in Scotland this season so far, and only one of two unbeaten on the UK. That Bovril tastes superb right now!)


Ed’s worried what they’ll say down the pub

Emma tells Ed what Nic has said.

Ed says no.

Emma thinks Nic is genuine. And that Nic is right. They’re not coping.

Ed’s worried Will will tell everyone down the pub that he and Emma are useless.

[Emma] “Well, it’s what George wants too.”

Emma drops the bombshell that George had said so the other day. He wants to spend more time at his dad’s to help his mum and Ed save money.

Which it would.

[Emma] “It’s hardly surprisingly. It’s not as if things are much fine round here.”

[Ed] “Things aren’t so bad that he’d be better off with Will!”

[Emma] “I actually started to think it would be a relief not having George so much … we can’t stop pretending … Will is his father. If anyone looks after George, it should be him.”

(ouch!)

[Ed] “I see.”

[Emma] “Where are you going?”

[Ed] “To scrape a living.”

Later on, Ed apologies to Emma for storming out.

[Ed] “I hate Will lording it over us.”

[Emma] “Still doesn’t change anything, does it … this way … it might be better for all of us. It'd give us a break. George would like it. And it would save a bit of money.”

Emma is placing her trust in Nic. That she is being genuine. And that they won’t try and take more of George.

[Emma] “I know you’re a good dad. And if Will gloats, then let him. As if that’s the worst of our problems.”

[Ed] “I will sort it out Em. It won’t always be like this.”

Robert had a sausage! In a bap!!!: Mon 05.11.12 #thearchers

(Bonfire Night 2012)

The Archers Monday 5th November 2012

• Hourly breaks for smokers
• Robert’s started The Globe
• Kenton’s the binding agent
• Hilary Noakes is right!
• David’s happy for Kenton
• Tomato sauce gave the game away
• Leonie seems to be back for good

Hourly breaks for smokers

Is what Naomi has persuaded Fallon is the norm at Jaxx.

Kirsty says it isn’t, so Fallon calls Kenton. Who confirms it isn’t.

When Fallon asks Naomi is she’s sure about the rule, Naomi gets uppity that she’s being called a liar.

Oh dear.

Not to happy a start to Fallon’s managerial career.


Robert’s started The Globe

He really is Lynda’s perfect match.


Kenton’s the binding agent

[Lynda] “It feels so unfocused. A song here, a sonnet there …”

Lynda’s worried that her Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza isn’t really hanging together.

Robert’s on grand form again:

[Robert] “What you need is a Lord of Misrule … he could act as a sort of compare.”

And who could that Lord of Misrule be?

[Lynda] “You would be the thread running through the whole production, bringing the show to life, and drawing it to a close.”

[Kenton] “Sorry Lynda, but …”

[Lynda] “The Lord of Misrule … with your natural bon ami and sense of mischief.”

[Kenton] “Well I’ve been called plenty else, but Lord of Misrule, it does have a certain ring to it …”

[Lynda] “Can I take that as a yes then? It won’t work without a start performer of your quality.”

[Kenton] “No, I’m sorry Lynda, Jolene won’t forgive me if I duck out of my duties at The Bull.”

[Robert] “Very wise, don’t upset the boss.”

[Lynda] “Robert!”

[Robert] “See …”

[Lynda] “Honestly, off all the times for him to decide to be sensible.”

So, Lynda asks Jolene. Jolene’s fine about it, and (actually) Kenton did want to do it.

Two minutes behind the bar, and Kenton’s already taking time off.

Ach well.

Jolene must know what she’s doing. I;m sure having less hands is fine during her busiest time of year.


Hilary Noakes is right!

Now that’s a rare thing.

David and Kenton are getting the fireworks ready.

They’re actually being a bit mean. They’re placing them:

[Kenton] “Where will we be closest to Hilary Noakes’ house … give her bird a fright!”

Now,  Hilary Noakes was wrong to complain last year about the village green being singed. It always gets repaired.

This year, she’s complaining that her cockatoo will be scared by the noise.

Which is actually fair enough. There’s a lot of other Ambridge pets who will live in dread of this night.


David’s happy for Kenton

Goodness me!

[David] “Well would you look at that. An Archer back behind the bar of The Bull.”

[Kenton] “I’ve travelled so far, and where do I end up. At The Bull, in Ambridge.”

[David] “The way it’s worked out between you and Jolene, I’m really cuffed for you mate.”

I don’t think I’ve ever heard David say something nice to Kenton.

Maybe Kenton really is home for good at The Bull.


Tomato sauce gave the game away

Lynda wants to go home from the bonfire night.

[Lynda] “If you’d just come home for dinner … a sausage, in a  bap! And you’ve got tomato ketchup on your face!!!”

[Robert] “You’d better come and lick it off …”

Wow.

What a brave chap he is.


Leonie seems to be back for good

(with James)

Seems Robert and Leonie were the last to know that Leonie was intending to fly to James in his hour of need.

[Lynda] “He’s not an ex now. She’s saying he’s the live of her life … she does seem genuinely happy.”

Oh, that just makes me shudder.

Kenton hasn’t done his homework: Wed 20.06.12

The Archers Wednesday 20th June 2012

• Lynda’s behaving oddly
• Sports Vs Culture at the Village Fete committee
• Ruth’s swithering
• Matt’s being thoughtful
• Watch out for Hilary Noakes’ Damson Jam
• The Ambridge Torch
• Excuse me, Lynda does the posters!
• The field has approval
• Just let Amy go

Lynda’s behaving oddly

[Kenton] “Are you all right? I’d just been wondering whether you’d be struck by lightning or if you’re channelling your inner scarecrow”

[Lynda] “I’m sorry?”

[Kenton] “Lynda, you’re standing stock still in the middle of the village”

[Lynda] “Ah, no … look, there, beyond that oak.”

[Kenton] “Oh yes, birds.”

[Lynda] “Not just birds Kenton, they’re my peregrines and they’re fledglings. What a wonderful sight!”

[Kenton] “Not if you’re a pigeon, I imagine.”

[Lynda] “Oh how very prosaic!”

Lynda was also a bit perturbed Kenton reporting that he often sees the peregrines while he’s outside The Bull. He’s not even remotely interested. But this was the first time she’s seen the fledglings.


Sports Vs Culture at the Village Fete committee

Though Lynda told Kenton that she expected to hear great things about his plans for the sports elements of the Fete, Kenton did take the hint, and so didn’t prepare for the committee meeting.

Silly Kenton.

Half way through the committee meeting, Kenton decides to get everyone a drink. And then has the nerve to ask Matt to take the drink upstairs to the meeting.

[Kenton] “Just tell them I’ve been waylaid by a customer … you do happen to know any good village websites, do you?”

(Surprisingly, Matt agrees to be waiter. He really is in a great mood these days)

Course, Lynda has done her homework. For the Cultural Olympiad part of the fete, Lynda has planned for a dance festival, with the Morris men from Waterley Cross:

[Lynda] “Thereby marrying the sporting with the cultural.”

Compare even just this one example of Lynda’s work to Kenton’s cobbled together ideas.

A tug of war, across the river Am. And Dragon boat racing.

[Kenton] “So many kids are wrapped in cotton wool today; they need to experience a bit of risk and adventure.”

Lynda is horrified that Kenton has put such little thought into the sports.

Actually, I thought his ideas were fine, for starters.


Ruth’s swithering

Ruth told Usha about the threats they’ve been receiving, and the reason for the Open Farm Sunday chaos.

[Usha] “Just stick it out. You’ll be so glad you did.”

[Ruth] “I’m not sure Jill’s so sure. Nor me.”

Uh oh.

Will Ruth let David get to court?


Matt’s being thoughtful

Who’d have thunk it?

After Jolene mentioned to Matt that she and Kenton couldn’t afford to go to New Zealand, Matt then mentioned it to Jill.

[Matt] “Oh well, you can’t always get what you want, as the Rolling Stones once said.”

Later on, Jill is late for the committee meeting because (she claims) she had to pop home to check she’d closed her bedroom windows.

But she’s actually gone back to get her cheque book. She wants to pay for Kenton and Jolene to go to New Zealand.

[Jill] “It’s easy to find excuses to not go to somewhere so far away … you and Meriel deserve to spend some time together … families are what’s important, not money. I’m only too glad I can help.”

Watch out for Hilary Noakes’ Damson Jam

[Lynda] “Jim didn’t realise that Hilary Noakes Damson Jam still has the stones in it.”

Jim now has a chipped tooth, and horrific toothache. He’s even had to miss the Fete committee.

At least Jim’s excuse was better than Vicky’s. She sent a text to Lynda saying:

[Lynda] “ (text from Vicky) “Sorry, suddenly came over all tired, limbs like led, dropped off in armchair” …”

The Ambridge Torch

Not to be outdone by the Olympic Torch, Ambridge shall have its own.

It’ll be part of the opening ceremony of the Fete, and the committee has decided that it’ll be carried round a route that everyone can see and cheer on.

Exciting …!


Excuse me, Lynda does the posters!

[Lynda] “May I interject?”

[Kenton] “Interject away.”

Lynda was a bit put out that at the committee, there was talk of posters being made.

Actually, Lynda and Robert always make the posters (so it would seem). Lynda and Robert have the “latest software”, and Lynda and Robert always make sure the posters using copy which won’t exclude.

Kenton has a lot to learn about who does what when it comes to community projects.


The field has approval

The riverside field that BL gifted to the village had been awarded its deed of dedication, and a plaque is on the way. The committee decided that the field will be dedicated to the Queen.

(how can they have just decided that when the plaque has already been sent?)


Just let Amy go

Usha tells Ruth that Amy didn’t even bother to get her a card for her 50th.

[Ruth] “Silly girl.”

[Usha] “She’s getting her own back. No one likes home truths.”

Usha is worried that now Amy has fled to Alice’s, she’ll next move into sharing a shared flat for good.

[Usha] “We might never get a proper chance to make things up.”

Usha compares this situation to David and Elizabeth.

But no – that doesn’t work.

Elizabeth isn’t speaking to David because she believes David contributed to Nigel dying.

Amy isn’t speaking to Usha because Amy’s boyfriend was married.

Elizabeth is distraught and unreasonable.

Amy is indeed just a silly girl.

Jim makes a play for Christine 16.03.12

(or so it seems)


The Archers Friday 16th March 2012

• Now Tom’s harassing Helen
• It’s all Greek to Helen
• Hilary Noakes’ cockatoo is feeling better
• More farmers sign up for the badger vaccination
• Jim worries Christine
• Kylie says yes

Now Tom’s harassing Helen

About phoning Kylie. Which she has done, but Kylie has called back as yet.

Does that boy never learn?

Leave folks be to do their best, in their own time.

Or, do it yourself.


It’s all Greek to Helen

Kylie does call Helen back. She’s been busy getting an essay in on time. One on Greek Tragedy.

[Helen] “Gosh, that sounds pretty hard!”

Helen really does need to get out more. She’s staring to sound like a bit of a dim, as well as a dull, young lady.


Hilary Noakes’ cockatoo is feeling better.

So Jill announces.

[Jill] “I’m glad Benson is getting better … he seems to bring out her softer side”

[Christine] “You mean she’s got one?”

More farmers sign up for the badger vaccination

Seems Oliver is managing to persuade more farmers to sign up.

Good man.


Jim worries Christine

[Jim] “Hmm, what a lovely scent … it’s you Christine. It must be your perfume”

Jill concurs that Christine is wearing nice perfume. But Jim takes it further.

[Jim] “Indeed it is. Most alluring”

Over coffee and cakes, Christine is too distracted to hear Jill talking about how glad she is that Brookfield is keeping its cows.

[Christine] “It’s Jim, I’m afraid … what he said … to me … he’s complimented me before, of course, on my cooking. He’s always praised my scones …

"the problem is what he said earlier wasn’t about my cooking, was it, it was about me … Jim’s never complimented me about anything like that before …

"never on anything personal or anything that you might call womanly about me … but today saying my perfume was alluring!”

[Jill, getting excited at the prospect of a romance] “Ooh Chris!”

[Christine] “No no. It’s not good Jill. I like Jim a lot of course I do. We get on well, we’re great friends. That’s as far as it goes for me. What if he’s started getting other ideas”

Ah well done Alan! You may have got Jim to do something for lent, but it could cost Jim one of his most precious friendships.

(I know – we all know they’ll sort it out)


Kylie says yes

During their phone call, Helen tells Kylie about Tony’s heart attack. Kylie shocked and worried to hear about it.

(she is a nice lass)

[Helen] “I’ll be totally honest. What he’s been thinking about is Rich … now what’s praying on dad’s mind is he has a grandson who doesn’t even know he exists … I’m sorry to load this onto you …”

She tells Kylie that she wants to arrange for Rich to get to know his grandparents properly. Kylie is at first worried that Helen wants her to tell Rich, but Helen is merely after a face-to-face with Sharon. Which will take Kylie to help arrange.

Later to Tom:

[Helen] “She said something I hadn’t even though of. About Ivy … she only realised how sad that made her feel at Ivy’s funeral”

[Tom] “Well that’s a shame. But helpful to use, I suppose”

Indeed.

Kylie’s agreed to talk to Sharon to at least meet with Helen.

Jim spooks Vicky 12.03.12

The Archers Monday 12th March 2012

• Tracey has four kids
• Helen never made mention of nappies
• Pat’s a crusader without even trying
• Keira’s bored of being a baby
• Jim’s threesome
• Is that Brian under the tractor?
• Emma appreciates the Doll House
• Hilary Noakes’ cockatoo is ill
• Jim has spooked Vicky

Tracey has four kids

Counting her dad and Gary.

Though Emma was looking to her for some (probably free) babysitting, Tracey reckons she already has her hands full.

Emma is also furious to learn that Tracey also has the cheek to want to find a job – and had the nerve to see if Emma could babysit for her when she not at Lower Loxley in the afternoons.

Horrendous! How dare the world not revolve around Emma! Very surprised she’s still speaking to Clarrie after Clarrie went back to her job at Bridge Farm.

Anyhoo – point is that Emma can’t get proper babysitting sorted.

How long before she’s forced to ask Nic?



Helen never made mention of nappies

So Brian was fibbing when he said he volunteered Jennifer to do the veg box recipes because of Helen:

[Brian] “I’m sorry I dropped you in it but I had to stop Helen talking about Henry and his nappies somehow”

Pat’s a crusader without even trying

Brian’s bemoaning the fact that Pat’s petition against the Super Dairy is getting more and more signatures, when Pat obviously hasn’t been focusing on her campaign while Tony is ill.

[Brian] “Here’s me packing their veg boxes, meanwhile her campaign is taking on a life of its own and is threating to stiff my business. It’s a funny old world”

He’s not as calm when it comes to the protestors at the Mart. They’re “loonies” who don’t understand anything.



Keira’s bored of being a baby

So says Susan. Keira’s started walking, which had made Keira very happy.

[Susan] “Bored of being a baby. She’s very bright, you see”

Jim’s threesome

Jim comes into the shop while Vicky and Susan are chatting.

[Jim] “What a bevy of beauty! You're both looking particularly delightful today, if I may say so … is that a new jumper Susan?”

It’s not, but Vicky’s is.

Jim then compliments (ah ha!) Vicky on the colours of said top being delightful, and that she’s looking “trim and slimmer”.

*sigh*

Jim’s not very good at this. He’s coming over as a bit of a perv AND you never (ever) mention a woman’s weight.

Whether it be a compliment or not.


Is that Brian under the tractor?

Yes it was.

Which gave Jennifer a fright. Surely that’s something Jeff could do (so she says).

He’s just trying to get his mind off of the folks who are against the Super Dairy.

Seems Lord Donald Eldberry has “fallen” for the anti-brigade, and has written to Brian as a result.

[Brian] “I’ve got councillors on the phone wittering about objections their constituents have raised, not to mention pen pushers in the planning department!

[Jennifer] “Calm down. I can practically see your blood pressure rising”

Jennifer admits that she’s worried Brian is going to do a Tony and collapse with a heart attack.

[Brian] “Oh, is this why we’ve been having all that weird food … mackerel and lentils … oh darling, you won’t get rid of me that easily. But any more lentils, you just might!”

Emma appreciates the Doll House

[Emma] “It's going to be gorgeous dad!”

Blimey!

That’s not like Emma to be thankful for the effort someone else has gone to for her (well, Keira).

A slight thaw?


Hilary Noakes’ cockatoo is ill

Aw – that’s a shame.

(and I do mean that!).

Susan warns Emma to make sure George doesn’t ask Hilary about her cockatoo as a result. Seems George is fascinated about it, but Hilary can’t cope talking about it (him?) at the moment.

It’s been losing weight and feathers, and has had swabs taken.

[Susan] “Don’t let George say anything, it’ll only burst her into tears!”

Neil warns Susan that she’s verging on gossip (which she had given up for lent).

[Susan] “That was not gossip. That was a point of information to Emma … helpful not harmful!”

Jim has spooked Vicky

Vicky’s round visiting Susan and Neil. She’s a bit perplexed.

[Vicky] “It’s what Jim said in the shop … what he said to me about looking very trim … what did he mean ... well is he saying I've lost weight? Cause if so, how am I supposed to take it? Is he saying I was fat before .… that I looked fat then … what do you think Neil?”

[Neil] “Me?!?”

[Vicky] “Well you’re a man. If you tell someone she’s looking very trim are you saying she’s lost weight ?”

[Neil] “Erm, I don’t think I’ve ever said that to anyone, so I’m sorry Vicky I can’t be of much help”

[Susan, saving Neil] “I just thought it was a compliment … he said all that about me and my jumper, then he moved onto you. I’m sure it was a compliment”

[Vicky] “So why didn’t he just stick to saying my new top suited me or something. Nah, I’m sorry Susan. I’m not convinced”

Oh dear.

The Archers Sunday 6th November 2011: Tom Archer’s versus Henry Archer’s

• Sharon’s back
• We missed Bonfire Night
• Snorting about a baby alarm
• The Tom Archer’s V Henry Archer’s argument in (nearly) full
• Hello Ambridge Organics

Sharon’s back

(not really)

Susan’s trying to get hold of Kylie, at Clive’s insistence, but she isn’t sure if the number she has for Sharon is even the right one anymore.

[Neil] “Kylie is Clive’s daughter, he’s the one that should be calling her, not you …”

[Susan] “I don’t want to talk about it!”

When Susan does get through, it sounded like some young lad answered. When Sharon came on, she told Susan that Kylie is away at University.

After a bit of back and forth – Sharon didn’t want to give Susan Kylie’s number, and most certainly didn’t want to come to the funeral herself:

[Sharon] “Not all that way. Not back to Ambridge …”

Sharon gives in and gives Susan Kylie’s number.

Susan speaks to Kylie later on (we don’t get to hear it) and she reckons Kylie is a nice girl, friendly, sad to hear about Ivy and was interested in the family.

[Susan] “Not like Sharon at all”

(well, can you blame her? Kylie won’t remember anything of Ambridge)


We missed Bonfire Night

That was a shame.

But seems it did go ahead at the Village Green, so Hilary Noakes didn’t get her wish after all.

Mind you, there’s always next year to try and ruin …


Snorting about a baby alarm

That’s really the level he’s sunk to.

He hasn’t even got the patience to wait for Helen to get the monitor on before they start their family meeting.

I’ve said it before, but what an a*se!


The Tom Archer’s V Henry Archer’s argument in (nearly) full

So, D-day for what the next step is for the Bridge Farm brand.

Here’s what happened over the kitchen table …

First, Pat had the good news that Morgan’s have also started ordering again (as well as Grey Gables) – in fact, Morgan’s have upped their order.

[Pat] “Early days … but it shows that the bridge Farm brand has some life in it”

[Tom] “Come on, let’s stay real here, two customers out of how many? It’s hardly a turnaround”

[Pat] “It’s a beginning”

[Helen] “Here we go …”

[Tony] “We’re got to start somewhere!”

[Tom] “All I’m saying is it’s been how long now? We all know how dire the situation is financially … we can’t afford to wait … if we need to save the business, we really have to go for a radical change”

[Helen] “Whoa, whoa, let’s just stop right there shall we … I might as well say this right now, I’m not going to work under the Tom Archer brand”

[Tom] “What! … well that’s just great, isn’t it. So what exactly are we here for?”

[Helen] “It’s quite simple. This isn’t your business Tom, it’s the whole family’s … so whatever name we choose, it should reflect that”

[Tom] “Okay, if you just let me explain the reasons why …”

[Helen] “No. I’m sorry,. It just wouldn’t be fair to market our goods under any one of our names. You can see that, surely?”

[Tom] “Well fine. If you won’t even listen to my point of view”

Tom wonders aloud if there’s a “hidden agenda” to try and veto his suggestions - Helen calls him paranoid.

[Tom] “Maybe I should take my business and go somewhere else and startup on my own”

[Tony] “Oh for goodness sake!”

So Pat interrupts to calm everyone down, and tells everyone to start again.

[Tom] “Actually, if you think about it, it’s quite a big thing I’m trying to do here”

[Helen] “What, take over the business!

[Tom] “No!”

[Pat] “Alright, calm and sensible, remember”

Tom reckons he’s doing everyone a big favor by giving them a “slice of his success”.

And that he is suggesting they use a family name – it may be Tom Archer’s – but it’s the Archer bit that’s important

(*snort*!)

[Helen] “Yes, and ooh look, it just happens to have Tom in front of it”

Tom then launches at Helen for her wanting to have Henry Archer’s as the brand. She reckons it’d make no difference to Tom (after all, he did just say that the important bit was Archer) and that it would also work well in focus groups.

Eh? I don’t follow Helen on that one.

And it gave Tom the opportunity to poi8nt out that Brenda should be at this meeting.

[Tony] “if you’d both shut up for a moment and let me say something …”

Tony, quite calmly, reminds Helen and Tom that this is a business he and Pat have spent years building up. And they did that to be able to hand the business over to their kids. If there isn’t a business sot hand over, then he reckons they’ve failed.

[Tony] “The Bridge Farm brand means everything to me … it’s been a very hard decision, but I do accept that things are so desperate that we do have to rebrand …”

And here’s where Tony has had a moment of genius.

He suggests that they rebrand – and that they rebrand everything to be Ambridge Organics.

It’s already in existence. It’s netural to all the family. And, it has no associations to the Bridge Farm brand.

Very clever indeed.


Hello Ambridge Organics

Tony reckon Tom seemed happy enough when leaving their meeting.

[Pat] “Well happy might be overdoing it … that was a skillful bit of mediation Tony, well done”

They both reckon Tom will go along with compromise – so that’s done and dusted then.

[Pat] “It definitely feels like the end of something. An era”

[Tony] “Well no point in being sentimental … it’s not about us anymore. It’s the kids. Their future. So it’s goodbye Bridge Farm and hello Ambridge Organics!”

The Archers Friday 21st October 2011: Will asks Nic to marry him

(as predicted!)

• Jim and Christine
• George says sorry
• Just Good Friends
• Hilary Noakes has at least one supporter
• Lynda has no takers
• A proposal AND she won the Apple Day quiz!

Jim and Christine

Jim does seem keen on Christine. And today, he takes it to a whole new level.

They’re at Lower Loxley’s Apple Day together. Jim reassures Christine that there’s little chance she’ll bump into Clive – as it’s “not in Clive’s line”

[Jim] “A brave woman like you shouldn’t let a coward like Clive Horrobin drive you out of your home”

[Christine] “I’m not at all brave where he’s concerned, Jim”

[Jim] “Well you would be alone. I’m quite prepared to be your constant companion … it’s hardly a penance”

Christine doesn’t want to impose on the always busy Ruth and David, and doesn’t want to put Jill in harm’s way again. She feels a tad ashamed for saying it, but she feels like she needs a man in the house …

And that’s the perfect in for our Jim.


George says sorry

To Nic and Jake for stealing Jake’s fire truck.

Seems Ed and Emma have done a very good job scaring him about prison.


Just Good Friends

(remember that one? I used to really like it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just_Good_Friends Way better than the ‘will they, won’t they?’ of that bloomin’ coffee advert)

Jim doesn’t waste any time getting his slippers under Christine’s dinner table.

He turns up on her doorstep, suitcase in hand.

[Jim] “I’ve come to stay with you Christine. If you’ll have me”

While Christine is glad, reckons they will have a grand time together, thinks Jim will be a good enough watchdog for her AND Jim makes her laugh – she is worried about what folks will think.

[Jim] “They will think that two friends have decided to spend some time together for their mutual benefit and comfort …”

And Jim offers to put a full page advert in the press telling everyone they’re just friends. After all, there are bigger things to worry about than what the neighbours will say.

[Jim] “I don’t you to be frightened anymore”

Good lad Jim. Good lad.

(though the gossip has already started. Jolene and Mike were having a good natter about it in The Bull)


Hilary Noakes has at least one supporter

She’s finally got a signature on her petition against the bonfire being on the village green.

Guy Fawkes.

Oh tee-hee!


Lynda has no takers

Not even a joke one.

Seems no-one has signed up for Christmas around the world.

Even Vicky has signed. Though she is lending a hand.

[Mike] “Vicky is being Lynda’s beautiful assistant this year”

A proposal AND she won the Apple Day quiz!

What a heady night for Nic.

She and Will won The Bull’s Apple Day quiz.

And as they were leaving:

[Will] “I love you so much Nic. I want to be with you forever,. I want to look after you forever. Say yes … I’m proposing to you. Will you marry me? … I know it isn’t very romantic, under a lamppost in a pub carpark … I’ll go down on my knees if you like …”

[Nic] “I never thought this would happen to me. No has ever … cared for me the way you do”

[Will] “Then let me carry on doing it forever. Marry me Nic”

[Nic] “Yes. Yes of course I will”

Aw. That was sweet.

No reason why this marriage shouldn’t work out for Will.

Is there?

The Archers Tuesday 18th October 2011: Tom is forced to bow down to Underwoods

(hurrah! Love it when Tom gets humiliated)

• Will and Emma agree!
• Doug Somerville’s assistant is supercilious
• It’s nearly audition time
• Don’t upset Hilary’s cockatoo!
• Tom forced to kiss Doug Somerville’s shoes (not literally)
• Ivy’s not getting any better
• Princess Emma
• It’ll be blamed on the pigs …

Will and Emma agree!

Shock of the week!

Will doesn’t want George to see Clive again. Emma concurs.

Will is worried about the PlayStation. Emma agrees that she also didn’t want George to have one at his age, but at least can put Will’s mind at rest that it isn’t knocked off.

And – Will is worried about George’s obsession with playing burglar. As is Emma.

Well that’s at least one good thing to have come out of Clive’s return. Emma and Will talking without screaming, as well as agreeing on what’s best for George.


Doug Somerville’s assistant is supercilious

So says Tom.


It’s nearly audition time

Lynda’s putting her notices up and around about auditions for the Christmas around the World concert.

Though not everyone gets the concept:

[Susan] “I’ve never been away for Christmas!”

Now now Susan. You’ll have to come up with a better excuse than that to not take part.

I’m just (still) annoyed that it’s not a panto …

Anyhoo – Lynda is chasing after Emma to take part, though she’s actually mainly after Keira. She was the both of them to be a:

[Lynda] “Nativity tableau as the grand finale …All the nations could gather round the crib!”

[Susan] “Oh, isn’t that nice. Your first Christmas and you’ve got a starring role already”

Emma didn’t seem that keen. Funny. She normally scratches eyes out to be the centre of the attention. Think she’s worried about Keira upstaging her?


Don’t upset Hilary’s cockatoo!

Hilary Noakes has a petition on the go.

Tough action from ol’ Noakes. Hilary is against the bonfire being held on the village green (as it always is) because it’ll leave scorch marks (as it always does).

[Lynda] “I tried to reason with her but she kept coming up with more spurious objections … the noise upsets her cockatoo!”

[Susan] “Oh really … we change everything just for one person, or a cockatoo!”

Seems Hilary is claiming that all pet owners are upset about the noise – though Susan reckons they don’t complain about all the other fireworks parties, and they should also know by now to keep their pets inside.

Seems most folks, in reality, agree with Susan.

No-one has signed Hilary’s petition as yet.


Tom forced to kiss Doug Somerville’s shoes (not literally)

After being forced to wait an age, and only allowed a few moments of Doug Somerville’s time, Tom’s bristling to get a fair deal with Underwoods.

But Doug’s not for turning.

[Doug] “It remains to be seen … Tom Archer’s may ring a bell. An alarm bell … I’m taking a big risk here. Frankly, I’ve have expected a little more gratitude!”

[Tom] “You know how good my sausages are!”

Buy Doug reckons that he can take his pick of sausages producers – most of whom would give their “eye teeth” for the deal he’s offering Tom. In his humble (!) opinion, Tom needs to invest and work hard to try and make the best of it. He can’t expect everything to be as it was before, and Doug reckons the risk is all on Underwoods.

[Doug] “Are we clear where we stand? No more whinging or nik picking … I like you Tom, or I wouldn’t be giving you this chance. But you’ve got to see where you are. You used to be backed by a bigger brand … but that’s changed … so let’s see if Tom Archer’s Borchester brand can work on its own”

[Tom … chomping on some humble pie] “Yes. I do know it’s a great opportunity”

[Doug … as patronising as he can muster] “Yes. You’re a lucky boy”

Ivy’s not getting any better

Seems she just wants to stay in bed all the time. Which isn’t like her.

Infact, Susan reckons she’s getting worse.

Oh dear.

Both for Ivy.

But also for what it could mean about Clive. Could Ivy stipulate in her will that Clive gets to stay in her house?


Princess Emma

Emma’s talking to Susan about how worried she is that George is obsessing about playing burglar.

[Emma] “I mean all the time. In full costume”

But Susan reminds Emma that she was obsessed with being a princess when she was wee. Infact, she took it further than most:

[Susan] “Do all little girls insist their mum hide a pea under their mattress to see if they could feel it … for weeks we had to call you princess Emma!”

So, though George sleeps in his burglar mask – Susan reckons it must be more comfortable than the tiara Emma slept in.

[Susan] “He’ll get tired of it. I mean, I haven’t seen you in a tiara for years!”

It’ll be blamed on the pigs …

At home, Tom admits to Brenda that Doug “wiped the floor” with him.

[Tom] “I’m beginning to agree with mum. He’s not a nice man”

So Tom’s lost that battle. He’ll now concentrate on British Sausage Week (31st October – 6th November - http://www.lovepork.co.uk/blog/article/sausage_week_2011)

And, he reckons he’ll have his football playing pigs up on his website this weekend.

[Tom] “Those girls have a lot riding on them “

I hope, for their sake, they do generate interest.

Mind you – the worst that could happen to them is going to happen regardless …

The Archers Sunday 16th October 2011: George is playing at burglars

• Are the poachers a clue?
• Burglar Bill?
• Clive’s cool
• Jennifer apologises for being a bore
• The bond between Jennifer, Adam and Debbie
• Lunch and brandy with Oliver
• Ridiculous letter from Hilary Noakes
• Jennifer wants Adam to shout louder
• Apples: always a good reason to have a day out

Are the poachers a clue?

Seems Will was out late last night trying to stop some poachers. But he didn’t manage to catch them.
Anything to do with Clive? Him being able to buy (even a second hand) playstation for George? Or is Matt paying him enough?


Burglar Bill?

Is that the book Will enjoyed as a kid, and initially thought was inspiring George to collect masks, stripy t-shirts and a ‘swag bag’ from Nic to play with?


Clive’s cool

Or at least George thinks so.

[Nic] “They’re playing burglars like Uncle Clive ...Clive’s made a big impression on him”

[George] “I wish I could be a burglar when I grow up”

[Will] “No. No George. It was a bad thing, very very naughty”

George does say that Clive also said it had been naughty, but looks like George is quite captivated.

Still – as Nic said – kids do go through phases.


Jennifer apologises for being a bore

Shocker!

[Jennifer] “I’m sorry daring, am I being a bore about it … Tony said such hurtful things”

[Adam] “How was that relevant to your not lending him money?”

Seems Jennifer is still upset about the argument she had with Tony on Friday.

He did indeed say some hurtful things.

But so did Jennifer.

And, she must know that she should have helped Tony?

Surely.


The bond between Jennifer, Adam and Debbie

Is a special one, Jennifer reckons.

Bruised from Tony casting up the not-so-glamorous highlights from Jennifer’s past, Jennifer is now thinking of the hard times.

But, there’s no question that she has ever regretted having Adam. And it wasn’t her fault (she reckons) that her and Roger didn’t last.

So – her, Debbie and Adam have been through times together. Hence the special bond.

But who would Jennifer choose if it came down to Debbie and Adam Vs Brian?

[Adam] “Brian calls all the shots round here doesn’t he”

(Adam’s referring to Jennifer’s mention that it was really Brian’s money Tony was asking for – but was also thinking of the Super Diary)


Lunch and brandy with Oliver

Sounds marvellous.

Jim’s over at Oliver’s.

Oliver actually seems quite chirpy, considering Caroline’s still working flat out at Grey Gables.

It’s been a whole 6 months since Roy left (blimey – that was quick), and Oliver and Caroline agreed that after 6 months they’d talk about whether Caroline should get a manager in. But, Caroline hasn’t mentioned it, it would be hard to get someone in for Christmas, they need to keep their overheads down (the economy still not being all it should be) and, actually, Oliver doesn’t seem that bothered.

He’s got his milking. Hunting. And the parish council.

And lunch with a mate.


Ridiculous letter from Hilary Noakes

Seems Hilary has written a letter to the Parish Council complaining about the bonfire being on the village green. She reckons it’ll ruin the grass.

Everyone’s annoyed and irritated by her.

Seemingly that’s what they’ve always done. No-one has ever complained before. Any, anyway, Mike only reseeds it in spring.

But, they’re about to set Lynda on her.

[Jim] “It will be a positive pleasure, she says”

Jennifer wants Adam to shout louder

Seems Brian is still keeping Adam firmly out of loop with the Super Dairy.

Brian wouldn’t tell him what he’d just been saying to Debbie on the phone – so Adam thinks Brian isn’t involving and informing him enough. Even though he’d promised to.

Adam reckons he has had a chance to ask questions, or voice any concerns.

[Adam] “They’re just ploughing ahead”

[Jennifer] “You’ll just have to shout a bit louder, I suppose … honestly darling, you really can trust her. She means it”

So back to that special bond.

I wonder.

Does Debbie have a plan? To bring everyone together in support of the Super Dairy? Or to pull a fast one over Brian? Or, Adam?


Apples: always a good reason to have a day out

Jim’s going to Apple Day at Lower Loxley, and may even ask Christine along … nudge nudge (even though it’s a bit of a busman’s – he wants to find out about how to source local varieties for the Orchard.

Oliver’s more likely to go the Apple quiz at The Bull.

As are Nic and Will.

Will wants them to get a good team together. But Nic isn’t bothered.

[Nic] “I don’t mind if it’s just me and my handsome gamekeeper”

Aw. But, maybe they could just go ahead and get married.

This is all get a bit too gooey.

The Archers Friday 6th May 2011: Parish Council election – winners and losers

click the title above, or the 'read more' link below the bullet points, to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

• 14 years at Grey Gables
• Lilian is most definitely not amused
• George is stopping out again
• Roy underestimates Kate
• Ambridge on AV

14 years at Grey Gables

It’s Roy’s last day at Grey Gables, and his colleagues send him off in style.

He has a leaving do meal at Grey Gables, and is gifted a home cinema system.

So - off to work for Elizabeth Pargetter.

Rather Roy than me ...


Lilian is most definitely not amused

Lynda and Jill were elected to the Parish Council.

But Lilian lost by a mere 6 votes. To Richard Thwaite.

[Lynda] “Quite a humiliation for her”

Oh dear.

[Lilian] “I suppose the votes only get the council they deserve, and that doesn’t include me anymore … I lost my seat darlings”

Despite calling Ed and Emma ‘darlings’ (I suppose that is just a reflex of Lilian’s), she then berates them for not voting. Though they weren’t sure they’d have voted for her anyway (Lilian did later apologise).

Lilian is a bit OTT with her reaction. And seems to think that “dirty tricks” were involved.

[Lilian] “So you've stopped by to gloat, have you?”

[Lynda] “Me? Gloat? Good heavens no. I just stopped by to say how sorry I am.”

[Lilian] “Well I can do without sympathy, darling”

Lynda tries to explain that she would have preferred Lilian to Richard Thwaite, but Lillian’s not hearing it. She accuses Lynda of rubbishing her verge idea (which is all part of the game, I reckon), and that she stole Lillian’s broadband idea (but for it was hardly original fodder rural politicians).

Lilian then vows that she and Matt will still have a say in the local community. Rather ominously so.

Maybe it’s something to do with the fact that the only other person to not get elected was Hilary Noakes

[Ed] “Ambridge’s most hated woman”

Now that’s not suitable company for our Lilian!


George is stopping out again

And Ed isn’t happy about it, as he’s at Will’s again.

[Emma] “It is a big help. It means less work for me.”

(oh aye – it’s all about what’s best for Emma!)

[Ed] “Emma. You just don’t get it do you. Will’s not doing this to help you out, to make your life easy, he’s got a real agenda here … he knows your busy with Keira and he’s just trying to take advantage”

Ed says he’s upset because George’s place is at home with him and Emma, and his baby sister. But he must be thinking that Will is trying to make moves to have George permanently.

It’s certainly what I think Will is up to.


Roy underestimates Kate

You’d have thought Roy would know Kate by now.

But no.

Hayley’s worried that Phoebe is still obsessed about South Africa.

[Hayley] “It’s always like, when I go back … when, not if”

[Roy] “She had a holiday of a lifetime; she’s bound to be excited still … I wouldn’t worry too much. She just needs to get it out of her system. She’ll soon come back down to earth again. You’ll see.”

Come on Roy! Not if Kate’s been whispering outlandish promises to Phoebe again. Which she has. Which you’ll only probably find out about when they’re heading to the airport.



Ambridge on AV

[Lynda] “I suppose our little contest was rather trivial by comparison”

Goodness me no! Far, far more riveting.

The Archers Monday 25th April 2011: Jennifer and James back in Ambridge

click the title above, or the 'read more' link below the bullet points, to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

• Jennifer and Phoebe return home
• Lynda’s canvassing
• Matt’s not pleased about a whole two nights of James
• The Big Five
• Brian sucks up
• James really is a prat
• What’s James’ “development”

Jennifer and Phoebe return home

And not a hint of any Kate-tastrophe (sorry!).

They’re both knackered after the journey back, but Phoebe is very excited about her trip. Especially the safari in the Kruger national park

[Phoebe] “It was really awesome … we stayed in a lodge, right out in the bush”

So all went well?

Maybe.

We’ll just have to see what slowly is brought to light over the next few days … weeks … months … years …



Lynda’s canvassing

Lynda catches Jennifer and Brian as Jennifer arrives home, but is left to speak with Brian. Jennifer pleads knackeredness.

She has her Parish Elections leaflet to share … but her stopping to give her leaflet to Brian should not be mistaken for canvassing.

[Lynda] “No, no , no … not canvassing. What Richard Thwaite’s been doing, that’s canvassing. Going round the village, knocking on doors, invading people’s privacy, it’s a sign of desperation if you ask me, he’ll probably lose more votes than he gains”

Hmmmm

[Lynda] “Hilary Noakes … went to the Easter Dawn service yesterday, first time ever, and to the breakfast after … smiling, chatting away, shamelessly ingratiating herself. Exactly who she’s trying to fool I don’t know … and apparently she was all over Sabrina in the bull last night, shedding those crocodile tears …”

(seemingly Sabrina was upset that her question wasn’t chosen at Gardeners’ Question Time, and she’s furious with Joe, after hearing the truth about his mistletoe scam.

[Lynda] “Do you think Hilary gives a hoot about all that. It’s sheer hypocrisy. And as I said to Sabrina myself, that’s showbusiness!”

Brian really couldn’t a word in. Which was probably his tactic. Keep quiet, and hope it all stops soon …



Matt’s not pleased about a whole two nights of James

Matt really isn’t pleased. Really isn’t pleased, at all. He reckons it was difficult enough last time, so really doesn’t want James for 2 minutes, let alone 2 nights.

Lilian thinks the problem is that Matt and James are too similar to get on.

And Matt does promise to do his best.

That’s a relief! All should be well. Matt does always keeps his promises. Doesn’t he?


The Big Five

Elephant, buffalo, white rhino, lion, leopard – all of which Phoebe saw in South Africa, and has pictures of on her phone.

In fact, she has tonnes of pictures on her phone to show.

Oh joys!



Brian sucks up

[Brian] “I’d forgotten how difficult this childcare is … you’re so good at it”

Which sounded slightly genuine. Until he then admits that he hasn’t done the laundry.

[Brian] “I couldn’t find the detergent stuff. We must have run out …”

So, he hasn’t dealt with the dirty clothes, and he hasn’t got anything in for Jennifer to use on her holiday clothes.

Which, of course, Jennifer wants to get stuck into.

So poor tired Jennifer heads off to the Village Shop for laundry detergent.

Some things don’t change.



James really is a prat

James arrives home to Lilian.

And manages to be annoying with his first few utterances.

He reckons his car is a “beast”. He calls Lilian “ma” (ugh!). Then he boasts about speeding. Which Matt doesn’t like:

[Matt] “These days, I stick to the rules. A law abiding citizen”

(aye Matt – only after you tried to kill yourself and Lilian by speeding, then ended up in Prison. Law abiding citizen, but only because you were caught in the first place …)

[James] “Your car’s an extension of your personality. It says a lot about who you are, your status … remember, you’re the sole director of what’s on the way to becoming a very successful property business”

Prat.

He’s trying to annoy Matt, at the same time pretending that he gives a second thought to Lilian’s life. Which he never does.

But not to fear. Our Matt knows how to take chaps like him a peg down.

He just asks James to explain what his job – what a Management Consultant – actually is …

[Lilian] “I said you needn’t be worried. He’s been perfectly polite and charming”

[Matt] “Yeah, right, I’m sure it’s going to be a real fun couple of days”

Think Lilian will ever notice that her son is an utter prat?



What’s James’ “development”

[James] “There has been a development in my social life recently … it has become a lot more, interesting …”

Which gets Lilian very excited!

Could it be a girlfriend? THE one?

Or has James just got himself a hamster?

The Archers Thursday 14th April 2011: Will is on the warpath

click this post's title, or the 'read more' link below the bullet points, to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

• Brain Freeze!
• Emma isn’t a real mother
• Birthday cards for the recently bereaved?
• Kissing Kenton
• David Cameron name check
• “Did you like Uncle Ed when he got bigger?”
• Is it Shula or Usha that has the problem?
• Clarrie is not amused

Brain Freeze!

I’m having a difficult time flipping between The Archers and Ambridge Extra.

In today’s Ambridge Extra, the Fun Run was taking place – in tonight’s Ambridge Proper, it was just about to happen.

I’m told by the sources close to them that place the secret microphones that Ambridge Extra does work to its own timescale, and covers different times.

*that’s when my brain starts to hurt*

The mention by Alice of having phoned her mum to make sure she didn’t pop over when Alice and Chris were getting intimate was seemingly a technical error. Cause, of course, Jennifer is in South Africa.

Maybe Ambridge Extra is ‘just’ a parallel universe?


Emma isn’t a real mother

According to Will.

He’s furious that Ed and Emma are choosing to take Girl Grundy Keira to the Fun Run, but to dump George off elsewhere.

George is seemingly playing up quite badly, and Emma decided she couldn’t cope with two needy kids in public.

Will thinks that a proper mum would just have stayed at home with both kids, while Ed went off to do the Fun Run.

So Will’s taking George to work with him, while seething at Ed and Emma.

[Will] “George seems to be getting a very rough deal since this baby was done … as far as George’s concerned, all he seems is to fetch and run after her …I’ll make a fuss of him, even if no-one else is”

I hate saying this, but Will does have a point.

While it is natural and normal for a first kid to play up over a new baby, so we’ll take George’s complaints with a bit of salt, Emma really shouldn’t have chosen to leave George behind. He’d have enjoyed the Fun Run, plus surely it’s important that she makes a special effort with George, so try and deal with his jealousy?

Good lord – I hate agreeing with Will!


Birthday cards for the recently bereaved?

They probably do exist – but if not, there’s a good gap in the market for some budding entrepreneur.

Usha was saying how hard it is to get an okay card for Elizabeth. One which doesn’t go on about celebrating, happy days etc etc

Then again, couldn’t she just get a nice one with a picture and a blank inside?


Kissing Kenton

Kenton is suspicious that Jolene is still smoking, so has a cunning plan:

[Kenton] “You can always tell is someone’s been smoking if you kiss them … I’m just going to have to kiss her a lot”

David Cameron name check

[Susan] “It’s a relief to have someone normal in the shop …Jolene … looking for some extra strong mouthwash … and you’ll never guess who else”

[Clarrie] “David Cameron”

[Susan] “Hilary Noakes! … I thought she got all her stuff delivered … and then she had the nerve to tell me about how we should use local produce”

[Clarrie] “She even waved at Eddie in the street the other week … he nearly crashed the van … (hasn’t spoken to him since) that business about water feature”

So, kinda apt that David Cameron was mentioned. Looks like Hilary Noakes is getting right up Ambridge residents noses with her campaigning …




“Did you like Uncle Ed when he got bigger?”

Will is talking to George about his new sister, and how she isn’t going to go away. He needs to both get used to the new situation, and stop hating her.

[George] “Can I come and live with you … I don’t like the new baby .. until she doges back … I want to swap her, for a boy … she’s so boring … but I don’t want her”

As will tries to reason with George, he comes out with:

[George] “Did you like Uncle Ed when he got bigger?”

Tee-hee! Will couldn’t answer that one.


Is it Shula or Usha that has the problem?

Usha’s talking about Daniel doing work experience with her.

[Usha] “What about Shula … the thought of me, working with her son”

So Shula thinks Usha will have a problem with it – Usha thinks Shula will have a problem – but both actually don’t have a problem (and doesn’t sound like Daniel gets to say anything!).

Oh those two! They should just have a proper chat and sort themselves out. This has gone on long enough.



Clarrie is not amused

[Will] “It’s terrible, what he’s been telling me, terrible … I’m not having it. I’m going to go round and have it out with them”

Clarrie stops him, and says she’ll go round.

She’s being a tad calmer than Will (which is easy enough, even compared to Will on his happiest days), but is also put-out that Emma can’t cope with two kids at once.

After all, Nic manages no bother …

I wonder if George will get his wish to move in with Will and Nic?

The Archers Friday 8th April 2011: Lynda strongly dislikes Hilary Noakes

click the 'read more' link below the bullet points to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

• “I’m starting to see what Kathy’s up against”
• Money, flattery, a car AND Elizabeth open to suggestions
• Lucky escape for Jim
• Experience Vs Cockatoos
• Work permit?

“I’m starting to see what Kathy’s up against”

I do have a soft spot for Jolene, but part of me is starting to think she deserves to be taught a lesson by Jamie.

She has been quite uncaring about Kathy’s feelings – especially considering the ‘special’ history Jolene has of stealing Kathy’s menfolk.

Jolene hasn’t tried to help Kathy in getting Jamie back home (or at least talking to her).

So it’s karma that she’s now facing the same problems with Jamie that Kathy had to cope with. Staying out. Slipping school. Pretending to study.

Jolene and Fallon's approach to Jamie is the soft side of marshmallows. Every time
they try to bring him back into line, he gets stroppy, throws in a bit of emotional blackmail, and they cave:

[Fallon] “No one’s going to force you to do anything”

[Jamie] “Good. Because you can’t”

Or rather, they won’t.

So, despite very slight efforts to try and get Jamie to go back home, looks like they have him for keeps.

Or until he does start stealing from The Bull.



Money, flattery, a car AND Elizabeth open to suggestions

Roy is a lucky, lucky boy indeed!

He’s going to think about Elizabeth’s job offer over the weekend, but he was later very distracted and quiet when sitting near Lynda while she was talking at him.

Second thoughts? Too much responsibility? Or the weight of knowledge that Caroline and Oliver are going to be very, very disappointed.


Lucky escape for Jim

[Jim] “I’ve finally managed to escape … the massed ranks of baby worshippers”

Susan has now gone into overdrive about Emma’s giving birth to baby Girl Grundy. She seemingly has the village shop plastered with baby pictures.

Still quite perplexed that Susan wouldn’t leave her Post Officer during the birth …



Experience Vs Cockatoos

Lynda is exceedingly put out at the list of candidates for the Parish Council elections.

She has assumed that the obvious folks would get the obvious positions.
Infact, she assumed that no-one beyond the obvious would even dare to stand.

[Jim] “The list of candidates were something of a surprise”

[Lynda] “Indeed. How did I not have seen this coming?”

[Jim] “A question the noble Caesar himself might well have asked. And plenty of politicians before him. And since”

[Jim] “Eight candidates for six places. It’s almost un heard of in a parish council election in this village”

Jim’s rationale that it was great to see such local interest in local democracy just made Lynda even more furious.

[Lynda] “Local? Hilary Noakes and Richard Thwaite, they’ve only lived here 5 minutes … recent arrivals … upstarts … don’t you dare defend them .. .I blame you”

Lynda reckons it’s Jim’s fault that Richard Thwaite has been inspired by Jim’s choice for the Book Club.

Well, I suppose The Ghost is a political thriller. See here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ghost_%28novel%29

[Lynda] “He’ll have his work cut out against seasoned campaigners”

But don’t let Lynda’s bluster fool you. She is worried that she might lose the election:

[Lynda] "Hilary Noakes has been worming her way into village life ... all about gaining a footprint in the local community”

But lest we forget that Hilary Noakes has a cockatoo up her sleeve …



Work permit?

I didn’t realise youngsters needed a work permit to work. Sounds a tad draconian – especially when it’s just a young chap working in the pub he already lives above.

Jolene and Fallon have agreed that Jamie can work in the pub while he’s on holiday, but only as serving staff.

But, for Jamie to work, he has to have a work permit signed by Kathy.

So he finally calls her, and meets her next to a river to ask.

Which was a tad cruel, as Kathy thought it was a lovely spot for them to be able to sit and talk through their problems. It just like someone inviting their partner out to a nice meal, only to dump them.

[Jamie] “Look mum, I texted you because I had to!”

Well done Jamie – that’s exactly how you should go about asking someone for a favour. Be rude and berate them first!

He wasn’t exactly sweet talking his mum, at a time when he’s been downright horrible to her.

Kathy said she’d think about. She had previously stopped him working at the Golf Course during his studying, so chances are she should still tell him no.

But will Kathy cave, in an attempt to try and get back onto a good footing with Jamie?

The Archers Tuesday 5th April 2011: Gardeners’ Question Time Committee

click the 'read more' link below the bullet points to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

• Unleash the flood
• Order, Order!
• Pat had to hear it from Clarrie
• Jolene or Kathy?
• “Honestly, that woman!”
• Orange flower water
• Who could forget Jean Paul’s Herb Garden?
• Poor Robert
• Emma’s baby is due
• That Jim … he’s such a joker!

Unleash the flood!

Neil, Christine., Jim and Lynda are (of course) the chosen ones to be the committee for Gardeners’ Question Time arrangements.

Not too sure how they were democratically elected to such lofty positions, but it’s always nice to hear a bit more from Christine.

Jim’s holding back on posters to promote until he gets the tickets from the producers (go on Jim unleash the “flood”),

Which is seemingly the way it’s meant to be.

If one wants to have a ticket for Gardeners’ Question Time., one must receive it by post in advance, so one has time to properly consider one’s question, which one can write on the ticket.

As they have to post out tickets, Jim and co. can charge a whopping £2.50 per ticket.

But that does include a cup of tea or coffee.

Phew!



Order, Order!

Jim quite rightly called the committee to order when conversation strayed onto Susan organising a wedding theme for the Village Shop window.

Quite right too.


Pat had to hear it from Clarrie

Kathy would normally immediately be right round to Pat’s when something happened with Jamie (ore previously Kenton).

But this time, Pat had to hear it through the Village gossiping.

On catching up with Kathy, she’s told by Kathy that she isn’t embarrassed – just utterly humiliated.

[Kathy] “It feels like more the same, how long have I been going on about my problems … I just felt I didn’t want to burst your bubble”

So Harry has changed more than just Helen’s life. He’s helped to chisel Kathy away from being so dependent on Pat.

But that’s not what Pat wanted (although I’m sure Tony’s quite happy!). She still wants Kathy to know she gotta friend.


Jolene or Kathy?

Looks like Jamie’s tantrums have really got to Kathy. She’s even beginning to think he might have a point.

[Kathy] “Maybe I’ve got to face it. It’s like Jamie said. Jolene’s nicer to be around”

Hmmm.

I don’t many of us would argue with that, but Kathy’s not a complete witch.

Maybe she’d actually be better off – a more relaxed and happy person – if Jamie did stay away? Is Kathy simply driven potty by the male of the species?

But Pat also has a good point.

Jamie prefers Jolene because she isn’t his mum. He can’t get away with half of his bad behaviours, and he wouldn’t treat Jolene as badly as he treats Kathy.

After all, Kathy will love him no matter what. Jolene could choose to get rid …


“Honestly, that woman!”

Seemingly Hilary Noakes suggested to Christine to tell the Gardener’s Question Time committee that the village call could do with smartening up. Maybe a lick of paint.

Neil’s appalled – it was recently redone.

Jim’s flabbergasted as her stupidity:

[Jim] “It’s radio, for goodness sake”

And Lynda is … well … a tad hypocritical:

[Lynda] “Honestly, that woman,. She has to stick her nose into everything!”

Orange flower water

Which is what Lynda is going to use to make her special madeira cake for Gardeners’ Question Time.

Fancy! Wonder if Jill will approve …



Who could forget Jean Paul’s Herb Garden?

Um … I did.

But seemingly Ian still makes great use of it at Grey Gables.


Poor Robert

Today was his birthday, but Lynda was at committee.

Bless the chap. Lynda was quite right when she said that held understand.



Emma’s baby is due

Thursday of next week.

So she managed to miss April Fools' day.

Wonder if this will be an easy Ambridge birth?

We haven’t heard from Amy for a while …



That Jim … he’s such a joker!

Gardeners’ Question Time want to feature a special gardening related, local project – so Jim asks Christine’s advice.

She reckons that a young couple who make Perry (from near Felpersham) would be a good one.

[Jim] “A rather more bone fide venture than the Grundy’s cider!”

And, it seems that the sound engineer wanted Lynda’s phone number.

Robert doesn’t have to worry about a rival for Lynda’s affection … the engineer:

[Jim] “seems to think she’ll come over rather well on the radio …I think it means she’s what they call a character”

So Jim gave the engineer the number, and told him that Lynda had a low allergen garden and is a practitioner of feng shui.

He seemed to think that was hilarious, and Christine also seemed to think he had been quite naughty.

Ah – what is sometimes takes to amuse when living in the country.

The Archers Wed 17th Nov 2010: Topical inserts – Will & Kate, Cornwall Flooding

The Archers: Lamb and veg … the postman might slip … Helen’s heading for a fall

• “Is it wise to have braised lamb on a bed of mash with all the veg?”
• The first Mart meeting
• Ian’s menu is sparky
• Peggy worries for the postman
• Hilary Noakes won £6
• Helen’s in agony
• Tea and a sandwich
• Topical Inserts ahoy!

“Is it wise to have braised lamb on a bed of mash with all the veg?”

Brian seemed to think so.

But I’m with Annabelle.

A large lunch does not make for a productive afternoon.



The first Mart meeting

Despite Annabelle’s ascertain that

“Inaugural meetings barely amount to much”

Matt (via Lilian) didn’t want to let anything pass without comment.

[Annabelle] “Anyone else feel we were at an old fashioned séance … with Lilian busily channelling Matt”

Seemingly the phrase “I broadly agree” is a very Matt phase – which generally, when uttered by Matt, meant that he actually want to trash the plan he was ‘broadly’ agreeing to.

Lilian reckons she’s already constantly being “steamrolled”, and is making sure Amside’s issues are being recorded.

But it’s only going to get more and more complicated as Matt tries to control the project while not being able to be directly be involved.

Despite Lilian not actually managing to get the results Matt wants (so far), she’s at least having a go. And Annabelle also appreciates Lilian providing a dissenting voice. Even if that voice is actually Matt.

[Brian] “If she takes out a large Havana and playing with a cigar cutter, we’ll know she’s completely possessed”

Ian’s menu is sparky

And he seemingly did a grand job as the Great Magini at Ruairi’s birthday party.

Do we foresee a career change?

I’d not be sure about how Adam would look as Ian’s glamorous assistant. I don’t picture him as being able to pull off a tasselled bikini …



Peggy worries for the postman

Nabbed by Lilian outside (in the cold) sweeping up the leaves, Peggy’s worried that if left, the postman might slip.

As, bless her wee cotton socks.

Peggy was also passing the time after Lilian didn’t turn up in time for lunch.

How rude!


Hilary Noakes won £6

At the Race Night.

And her bragging contributed to Lilian being late for Peggy’s lunch.

See the dangers of gambling!


Helen’s in agony

[Lilian] “Silly girl has been dragging herself in … she can barely stand up”

Helen still isn’t taking it easy.

Goodness know why. As a self-employed person, I’d be more than delighted to have a real reason to take time off.

It’s also strange that Helen can be so aware of her body (in terms of calories), but so unaware of when her body is also craving rest.

Lilian did persuade her to go home – and then also followed her home in her car to make sure that she’d be able to drive okay (big tummies and steering wheels don’t mix).

Oh dear. You know when Lilian takes notice, something has to be wrong.



Tea and a sandwich

Helen took the tea, but refused a sandwich.

Which is surely a shame. I think Peggy would make a cracker of a sarnie.

Worried about Helen after hearing from Lilian that she was in a bad way, Peggy popped round to try and help.

Helen’s actually sat there, tracking the shop online.

Take five minutes off, for goodness sake lassie!

As much as Peggy is a dear for taking the time to check Helen, she isn’t quite ready to be wholly supportive of Helen having a baby by herself:

[Peggy] “Oh … it’s such a shame … I do wish you weren’t going through all this on your own … I remember how exhausting and difficult being pregnant can be”

[Helen] “It’s all been easier than I expected … I seem to be managing perfectly well by myself”

Are you Helen? Are you, really?




Topical Inserts ahoy!

The BBC are claiming credit yet again for putting ‘topical inserts’ into tonight’s ‘episode.

Peggy mentioned to Helen that she’d be watching daytime TV, which is not a normal habit for her, but she’d become hooked on the announcement that there’s a soon-to-be Royal wedding.

[Helen] “They look quite comfortable together”

[Peggy] “He seems quite romantic … She seems a very level headed girl, and a very good age to get married” (hint, hint Helen!)

Then Peggy even managed to notice the flooding in Cornwall. Which, my fine fellow Archers folks, is not even in Ambridge.