Lynda offended by yellow 29.05.12

The Archers Tuesday 29th May 2012

• Susan and Vicky talk Jubilee
• The kids practice for the Jubilee
• Maypole abused by Alf Grundy
• Vicky wants to retire?
• Amy thinks Carl wasn’t married
• Alice bakes a cake
• It’s Lynda’s birthday
• The horror!

Susan and Vicky talk Jubilee

They seem to be cutting out pictures of The Queen as they’re working in the village shop:

[Vicky] “I can’t help thinking we’re missing a golden opportunity to put the phone box on the map”

[Susan] “A diamond opportunity!”

[Vicky] “My great aunt Nellie had a Welsh corgi, it used to sleep on the bed … Hey, how about we wrap it in Clingfilm, like that artist?””

[Susan] “It’s not a packed lunch Vicky, and how would people get in and out?”

[Vicky] “I’m just thinking outside the box”

[Susan] “We can use some of the decorations we used when Camilla visited”

[Vicky] “Oh come on, we want more pizazz than that!”

Ah bless them and their idle chatter.


The kids practice for the Jubilee

[Vicky] “That tunes getting on my wick”

Vicky is not amused by Lynda and the Village kids (not people, mind) constantly practising their Jubilee maypole dancing. Mainly because they’re doing so on the village green, which the village shops faces onto. As it’s too hot to close their door, Vicky has to suffer hearing their maypole music over and over and over …

Lynda also doesn’t seem to be having much luck with the kids getting any better.

[Lynda] “Lift your knees everyone, I want skippity skip, not clumpty clump … what an unfit bunch …”

Seems that Tracey’s Brad is causing particular mayhem:

[Lynda] “Brad, he’s an anarchist … if he frightens Molly Button with his rat again on Sunday, he’s not getting his jubilee commemoration mug”

Brad will be devastated, I’m sure. Lynda tells us that she still treasurers her Coronation mug. In has “pride of place in our downstairs loo”.


Maypole abused by Alf Grundy

[Susan] “Alf Grundy set light when he was young, apparently. Went up like a giant cigar, Eddie said”

Vicky wants to retire?

What’s Vicky most looking forward to during the Jubilee?

[Vicky] “The best thing is having such a long time off work”

She then later mentioned that she was finding the drive to and from Felpersham twice a week for work a bit if a frustration. She reckons it “upsets her rhythm”.

Sounds like someone does want to work anymore …


Amy thinks Carl wasn’t married

Amy’s on about Usha to Alice yet again. But is at least now looking at flats in Felpersham. Alongside ending the constant bickering, it’s also time Amy moved up and out.

Amy is also starting to question whether Usha was right about Carl. She thinks that Alan brought her up to be a good judge of character.

[Amy] “The more I think about it, I've been given second hand information. I don’t think he’s married at all”

Ach, that girl is just silly.

[Amy] “It may be a marriage of convenience … they must have fallen out of love for hi, to behave the way he did for me ... maybe he stayed out of loyalty, or just for show …what do you think?”

[Alice] “I think I don’t want you hurt”

She thinks Usha has an agenda. Though what Usha would gain from Amy going out with a married man is anyone’s guess.


Alice bakes a cake

For Brian and Jennifer’s 36th wedding anniversary.

[Alice] “Mum and dad have been through some dodgy times but hey, they belong together”

And she’ll be making one of the sponges for the giant WI jubilee cake.


It’s Lynda’s birthday

She got a new straw hat. Robert’s taking her out for a meal. And Christine invites her round for tea and a scone.


The horror!

Lynda’s pleasantly surprised by the effort Adam and Ian have made with their garden for Britain in Bloom.

[Lynda] “Oh they’ve done spectacularly well to create a cottage garden from a  standing start.”

[Christine] “Curtosey of the garden centre … Adam found it very therapeutic”

Lynda I also very impressed by Jim’s experiment – he’s grown vegetables in with his plants (chard, beetroot, and globe artichokes to be exact).

Then, Lynda, Christine and Jim walk up to No. 8 Glebeland.

[Lynda] “How could they possibly do such a thing … yellow!”

[Christine] “A whole garden thrugh of them”

[Lynda] “This is appalling, They’ve driven a coach and horses through the red white and blue motif”

[Christine] “I don’t know who lives here … I think they’re commuters … do you think they’re republicans … really Jim, I don’t think you realised just how upset she as going to be”

[Jim] “Plating yellow flowers is hardly a capital offense … Britain has a fine tradition of disobedience. It keeps our democracy alive, my dear”

[Christine] “Don’t you ‘my dear’ me. I’d rather have the queen as head of state any date over some sleazy politician!”

[Jim] “A democratically elected sleazy politician …”

[Christine] “I think I’ll head back. I don’t like to miss the news”

[Jim] “Oops …”

The Archers Monday 19th September 2011: There’s talk of The Dole

• Emma’s having a go again
• Joe got locusts and a nice card
• Clarrie to sponge for a career?
• I’d forgotten Pip was on holiday
• Pip got David something soft and leather …
• Crushing heifers
• Since when was Alana “The vicar?”
• Harvest supper at Brookfield?

Emma’s having a go again

So reckons Nic.

Seems Emma has been complaining that Will and Nic returned George minus his book bag – so he didn’t have his reading book at school.

[Will] “Typical Emma, she was making a big deal about it … she can be so high and mighty sometimes, like she’s the perfect parent, that no-one else has any idea”

Nic also reckons that it was Emma who has lost the bag.

It’d be (hand)bags at dawn if they could find it …


Joe got locusts and a nice card

Seems that after Amy and Alice arrived at Joe’s, the rest of the young ‘uns helping out at Bridge Farm also turned up to celebrate Joe’s birthday.

[Joe] “It was like a cloud of blooming locusts”

But, Joe was actually quite pleased.

He wasn’t so pleased that Alf couldn’t make it, but seems he did send him a nice birthday card.


Clarrie to sponge for a career?

Clarrie’s not having much luck finding any positions vacant.

[Clarrie] “Ain't never no jobs in the Westbury Courier”

She’s doing her best though. She’s even been pondering one of those foot-in-the-door sales jobs.

[Eddie] “No. I’m not having you selling door to door”

[Clarrie] “I’ve got to do summit,. The bills won’t pay themselves”

I’m with Eddie. I’d hate the thought of Clarrie selling door to door – the inevitable slams in the face would cripple her.

But Joe and Eddie have a plan B.

[Eddie] “We think you ought to sign on”

[Clarrie, a bit shocked] “Going on the Parish, my dad used to call it”

Clarrie later chats it all through with Nic.

[Clarrie] “I ain't used to sitting round with nothing to do … Joe and Eddie are doing my head in”

On the dole:

[Clarrie] “It’s probably hard at your age to understand … but we were taught to stand on your own two feet,. Not sponging off the state”

But Nic persuades Clarrie to at least have a look at what she’s entitled to. Which I perfectly agree with.

BUT

Is Clarrie entitled to anything right now? She left her job, so doesn’t she have to wait a while before she can claim?

And, as a rural dweller myself, I can reckon it doesn’t pay to be unemployed if you live in the countryside. It often costs more to get to the dole than you can actually claim.


I’d forgotten Pip was on holiday

In Dubrovnik.

But have remembered now that she’s back home. With her photos.


Pip got David something soft and leather …

… a bag.

How quite dull. But necessary, I suppose.

And it’s more than he got from Elizabeth for his birthday. Not even a card …


Crushing heifers

[Ruth] “I’ve got to get a couple of heifers in the crush before I get the rest of the cows in”

That’d sound painful, or something to do with a smoothie, if we didn’t know better,


Since when was Alan “The vicar?”

Pip is quite odd sometimes.

She goes through to Ruth to say that “the vicar” just called round to ask about a barn for the harvest supper.

Eh?

Whoever (ever) calls Alan “the vicar”?

Pip’s getting dull and formal. Oh dear.


Harvest supper at Brookfield?

So, after “the vicar” spoke to Pip, Ruth’s a bit perturbed to find out that Pip has volunteered one of  Brookfield’s barns for the harvest supper.

Again – what’s wrong with The Bull?

The Archers Sunday 17th July 2011: Keira’s christening

• At least the little one looks like a goat
• What is it with sausages?
• Can Will stay well clear?
• Alf is a no-show
• Jack will be 92
• Keira runs late for her own christening
• “why is that man wearing a nightie?”
• Neil gets all moral
• Ambridge won at cricket
• George got flashing shoes, but fell into a rose bush
• The Thwaites have a great spider

At least the little one looks like a goat

[Will] “I finally worked out how to do legs”

[Nic] “Yeah, the little one really looks like a goat … I always thought the big one looked more like …well … a wildebeest … it’s the sort of … erm … hefty shoulders”

[Will] “Well it is the big billy goat gruff. It needs to be hefty if it’s to put the troll into the river”

[Nic] “Oh, of course, silly me”

[George, on seeing the troll and three goats scarecrow] “Wicked! …I like the little one. He really looks like a goat”

Never mind, Will. Even if they don’t all look like it, at least you have two more than Ed.

Ed later finds out about Will doing all three goats. He’s not a happy chappy.

But at least Clarrie is speaking sense.

[Clarrie] “Couldn’t you think of something different?”

What is it with sausages?

George is persuaded to go to Keira’s christening through the promises of sausages.

Considering there seemed to be a bit of a bun fight about who was going to get to make the sausages (Nic won) – what’s the big passions for sausages?

Sausage shortage in Ambridge?

Where’s Tom???



Can Will stay well clear?

Will is worried about what Emma will be like at the christening (yes Will – we all know what Emma can be like!), but Nic is more worried about Will and Ed.

Will promises to stay well clear.

Possible?


Alf is a no-show

Humph.

Not a surprise, really. Thought this might happen – as it did with Clive Horrobin.

What a tease!

Seemingly he’s not well enough to travel. (aye, right then)

Clarrie’s quite happy. Seemingly Alf is quite a picky eater.

He even turned his nose up at her steak and kidney pie once.

Blimey.


Jack will be 92

On Tuesday.

Jamie will be 16 on Wednesday.


Keira runs late for her own christening

As she filled her nappy.

That’s her social calendar not off to a very auspicious start.


“why is that man wearing a nightie?”

Mia’s in full flow – right during Keira’s christening.

[Mia] “Mummy. Why’s that man wearing a nightie?”

[Will] “It’s a surplice … all vicars wear them”

[Mia] “It’s a nightie!”

Nic apologies to Alan for Mia interrupting the service (he doesn’t mind – he’s used to it), and also to Emma. Who was a complete bitch back to Nic.

[Emma] “Upstaging Keira like that … old enough, I’d have thought, to understand she can’t always be the centre of attention”

Meow.



Neil gets all moral

[Neil] “It’s the wrong way round … getting married first … doesn’t that worry you?”

[Alan] “I’m always thrilled to welcome a little child into the church …”

[Neil] “Well the fact is, Emma, well, she had a go at marriage and it ended in tears, so …"

Oh.

Is Neil really upset that Emma and Ed has brought forth child without getting married first?

But there’s always a silver lining.

[Neil, on Emma being a mum] “I’m so pleased she’s finally found something she’s good at … I always thought she’d have a career, but she never really settled to anything”

Ambridge won at cricket

Again! Hurrah!

That the Ambridge team was mainly made up of “old men and boys” (due to harvest) makes the win even better – even though Waterly Cross also had the same problem.

Well, a win is a win.



George got flashing shoes, but fell into a rose bush

Never mind wee man. Life can be like that.


The Thwaites have a great spider

As they’re doing Little Miss Muffet for their scarecrow.

The Archers Monday 11th July 2011: Spencer’s worried about mud

(which is odd for a farmer, but he’s actually talking metaphorically … or something like that)

• Susan’s making a list
• Alf Grundy returns!
• We all know what happens when reparations are demanded …
• Spencer takes Pip for a ride on his big monster
• AND A GOAT!
• Pip’s disappointed in David
• Spencer’s a sensitive young chap

Susan’s making a list

And will be checking it twice, you can bet.

Which Clarrie seems quite happy to just follow, and be told what’s what.

Which is fair enough. Why try make an extra effort when someone else is doing to do the work for you?

This christening should be (*should* be, please note) a doddle.


Alf Grundy returns!

Also called Alfie by some (not to be confused with Vicky’s ill-fated dairy bull calf).

Eddie’s brother. Joe’s eldest. And a bit of a bad ‘un.

The distinction is that while Joe and Eddie are mere rogues (they rip people off, but they do it with a cheeky grin), Alf is a proper criminal (rips people off with a scowl). He even stole from Eddie once.

Not sure how long it’s been since Alf was around – but Susan is not too happy to hear that he’s due back in Ambridge for Keira’s christening.

[Clarrie] “You know Alfie – if there’s a bit of free nosh going”

Later on, to Neil, Susan hopes that Alf isn’t back on the cider.

This christening should be interesting after all.

Wondering if the Aldridge’s are invited? Susan will have apoplexy …


We all know what happens when reparations are demanded …

… knackered economy, high inflation, high unemployed, widespread dissatisfaction, anger, hatred, Hitler and World Wars.

Funny that Steve and Marty have to pay them back. I’d have thought the powers that be would have had a far more fluffy and inclusive terms for (what sounds like) community service.

They might also have to do guidance and counselling – and Pip was a bit taken aback that Steve has been grounded.

[Pip] “Wow!”

Eh? Surely a basic, in these circumstances?


Spencer takes Pip for a ride on his big monster

I know … childish and obvious, but I couldn’t resist ;)

Spencer’s stressed out, so Pip pops over to chum him out for a ride on the combine.

Pip is most suitably impressed with his combine. It seemingly has a setting for tailings (the ears that weren’t fully threshed the first time, so get put back through again), and a whole 9 different crop settings that can be customised. Amongst many other things.

[Pip] “You really think you’re Mr Cool, sat up here on your monster machine”

Spencer quite sensibly refuses Pip when she asks to have a go at driving. She’s obviously far too excited, and doesn’t she remember what happens when unauthorised persons are allowed to drive farm equipment (Jude and the quad bike).


AND A GOAT!

Neil’s been very quiet of late.

First moment he gets near the secret microphone, Emma talks him into making George’s troll scarecrow for them. She claims she’s too busy (again), but also makes it slightly obvious that she wants a scarecrow better than she and Ed could scare up.

(see what I did there?)

BUT – not only does she want better – she was wants a troll AND a goat.

[Neil] “Well, a troll’s one thing … a goat!”

Yes Neil – A GOAT!!!

[Emma] “It’s got to be the best mum. George has set his heart on it”

[Neil] “I can bend him anyway you want”

Well, steady on there Neil. Tis only a village competition.


Pip’s disappointed in David

[Spencer] “Plain safe”

[Pip] “Plain chicken … if you’re going to succeed in this business you’ve got to be prepared to take a risk”

Hark at her! One terms with a side order of Business Studies (failed the first time), Pip think she’s knows all.


Spencer’s a sensitive young chap

The situation with at Spencer’s home (Steve being in trouble, his dad furious and his mum crying) is bad enough – but bless wee Spencer. He’s also worried about what Pip’s folks will think of him.

After all, they did hate Jude.

[Pip] “No matter what anyone else thinks, I ;love you just the same. And that’s all that matters.”

So it’s love.

Aw.