Pondering The Archers: tracey horrobin

Clive’s got a sore head

I bet he does.

Clive has had to call his boss, and his customers, to apologise for being late.

He’s slept in.

Daft laddie doesn’t realise he was drugged.

“He’s gone to Felpersham to meet some bloke about a Captain Pickard”

I wish Gary would speak.

He sounds hilarious!

[Bert] “He’s gone to Felpersham to meet some bloke about a Captain Pickard”

[Tracey] “Another one!”

Ha!

I reckon Gary could be a whole spin off eavesdropping episode of his own.

Tracy has a plan

Donna’s terrified.

[Donna] “What if he never woke up for the sleeping pills I gave him?”

She’s lucky she’s got Tracey onside, and willing.

Tracey tells Donna to call Clive, and ask her to pick her up from her house, in Ambridge.

Clive agrees to, but is fuming. He’s already behind with work after having slept in (though he still has no clue what happened).

When Clive turns up, Tracey will then call the Police. By the terms of Clive’s parole, he’s not allowed in Ambridge.

The Police nab Clive, Clive goes to prison, Donna’s free.

Bert saves Poochy

Also part of Tracey’s plan was to get Bert out of the house.

She asks him to go round to Donna’s to walk Poochy. Even paying for a minicab and giving him extra for a pint at The Bull while he waits for it.

When Bert gets into Donna’s, he can hear Poochy grumbling, but can’t find her.

Turns out Clive had locked her up (sounded like a cupboard) and her tied up.

Clive really should be sent to life in prison just for that alone.

Poochy saves everyone!

When Clive gets to Tracey’s, he’s not in a very good mood.

[Clive] “I’m just here to get what’s mine and then I’m gone.”

Though Tracey and Donna keep trying to stall him, and also make an excuse to use the phone, Clive keeps thwarting them.

When Clive catches Tracey trying to call, her smashes her mobile. Though she does manages to make the call from another phone when Clive’s busy beating on Donna.

But Daft Donna proves again she’s not that daft.

While she’d been sent to spruce herself up (by Clive), she lifted his car keys.

Clive goes berserk.

Donna’s trying to hide from him, but he breaks the door down, grans her hair and even bites her hand to try and get his keys.

Actually – very brutal and disturbing.

Tracey gets into the room as well, takes Clive’s keys, and chucks them out the window.

Clive hits Tracey.

[Clive] “Don’t think I’m going to forget about this Tracey, you’ll get what’s coming to you!”

[Tracey] “I’m not scared of you!!”

Atta girl Tracey.

Just when it looks like someone is going to get badly hurt. Bert turns up with Poochy. Who attacks Clive and keeps his from hurting anyone or running away.

(Poochy, not Bert!)

[Clive] “Call her off!”

[Donna] “No chance.”

We can hear Police sirens on the background.

[Tracey] “Listen Clive, hear that?”

[Clive] “You’ve dobbed me into the cops. I’m your brother!”

[Tracey] “You’ve brought it on yourself. Kiss it all goodbye, cause you’ll be back in jail for supper.”

Phew!

That was rather disturbing.

I don’t suppose Clive will ever be welcome by anyone Horrobin from hereon. Mind you, they say that every time …

Will Tracey also now forgive Emma for grassing?

And will Clive be put into the same Prison, wing, room … as Keith? That could make life even worse for Keith.

Donna escapes Clive: Tues 25.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 25th December 2012

I think it’s boxing day?
Clive answers Donna’s phone to Keith
Donna drugs Clive
Keith looks awful
Tracey has a heart

I think it’s boxing day?

Hard to tell in in Ambridge Extra land.

Clive answers Donna’s phone to Keith

[Keith] “What are you doing in our house?!?”

Clive claims he’s fixing a tap.

Then hangs up on Keith, and doesn’t tell Donna she’s called.

(hsssssssss!)

Donna drugs Clive
Clive had let himself to Donna’s. He then demanded to know where she’d been, and where she was off to this afternoon. He stakes her handbag, including her visiting order to see Keith this afternoon. He’ll give them back:

[Chris] “When I’m ready. Til then,. You’re going nowhere.”

(hssssssssss!)

Clive then wants to watch a film, but Donna can’t find Poochy.

Clive’s tied Poochy up in the garden.

(hssssssssss!)

Clive then demands a cup of tea.

Which Donna promptly drugs with pills.

[Donna] “Enough to knock out a horse.”

Hurrah!

Not such a Daft Donna after all.

Keith looks awful

Tracey was in seeing Keith, and he sounded a bit muffled at first.

Turns out he had his hand over his mouth to try and hide the fact he’d ‘lost’ a tooth.

H also hasn’t shaved, and has lost weight.

[Tracey] “So you’ve given up on yourself, have you?”

Sounds like it.

But the gang that’s beating him up every day also won’t be helping. When we hear Keith trying to settle down for the night later on, it’s to calls of “we’re going to get you, Horrobin!”

Keith’s more worried about Donna than himself. He hasn’t been able to speak to her for 2 weeks, and he’s not at all amused that Clive’s at his house. Keith’s worried Tracey told Clive about the loan shark, and Clive’s there to see him off.

(which I suppose could be a good and a bad thing)

But Keith suspects there’s more to it.

[Keith] “It’s killing me, this not knowing. Has she left me Tracey?”

Tracey comes good, and covers for Donna. She says Donna can’t cope with seeing Keith in prison.

But then, Donna turns up. And bless Keith – he notices she’s changed her hair (it must be love!).

Donna’s about to tell Keith about Clive, but Keith tells her first that she’s all that gives him hope. So she keeps stum.

Tricky.

Tracey has a heart

After their visit with Keith.

[Tracey] “It’s a good job we’re in a public place as my hand is itching to slap your face!”

Tracey starts shouting at Donna. Donna starts crying. Tracey realises there’s more to this horrible situation with Clive.

[Tracey] “I know I’ve got a big gob, but I’ve been known to shut up once in a while and listen.”

Donna tells Tracey about drugging Clive.

[Donna] “He terrifies me.”

Seems Donna genuinely thought Clive was just loaning her the money (Daft Donna!):

[Donna] “It was the house and me he wanted.”

Donna reckons she was just so alone, so desperate that someone taking charge and looking after her made her feel safe. Course, Clive want repayment in kinds …

[Tracey] “He’d do that to his own brother. I don’t believe it … right! …”

Tracey tells Donna to stay the night while she works out what to do.

Though that means leaving Poochy alone, possibly with Clive.

Will no-one think of the dog?

Saturday, 29 December 2012

Clive’s a total fruit loop: Thurs 20.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Thursday 20 December 2012

Tracey does really well in an interview
Donna’s kissing Clive while Poochy barks
Bert’s sprained his wrist
Clive gets nasty
Donna tells Tracey about Clive

Tracey does really well in an interview
I underestimated Tracey.

After hearing her interview, I’d have given her a job!

She’s trying for a waitress position.

Why did she leave her last job?

It was fulfilling, and didn’t leave her time with her kids.

Why does she want this job?

She likes working with food, and was a supervisor in her last role.

Why does she want to work in a restaurant?

She’s very easy to get on with (!)

The Tracey adds that she knows the importance of customer service. And that she can always tell how good the customer service is by the state of the ladies’ toilets. After all, folks want an experience, not just to eat.

Blimey! Tracey really is good at this. She must be a natural, as I can’t imagine her studying an Interview book.

Tracey gets offered the job there and then.

BUT the job offer is then retracted when Tracey’s asked for references. She can’t give them, as the school would only have bad things to say.

[Tracey] “What I know don’t matter.”

As a result of losing one job and not getting the other, Tracey has had to cancel the tablet she was going to gift Brad. She didn’t get deposit back. And reckoned the sales woman looked at her “like dirt”.

Tracey’s very down.

[Tracey] “I just don’t know how it all happened … Just because I gave that snooty teacher a piece of my mind.”

I do feel sorry for Tracey.

Donna’s kissing Clive while Poochy barks

Yuk!

Donna should listen to Poochy. She (he?) was growling with every breath, then broke out into barking.

But, Donna seems to really enjoy Clive’s attention. She’s even sleeping better, without her sleeping pills.

Clive demands that Poochy gets put outside. Donna at least protests that it’s too cold.

[Clive] “Put her in the kitchen Donna, eh. How can I concentrate on you properly with that dog giving me evils?”

He then makes her tell him that she missed her. After which, he kicks Poochy when Donna is out of the room. And then denies it.

[Clive] “Are you calling me a liar?”

Clive really is a bit of a scary creep.

He then tells Donna he doesn’t want them to fall out, because:

[Clive] “I’ve got some money for you. For the mortgage.”

He then tells her he should move in. Then he could pay the full mortgage every month.

[Clive] “And when the time’s right, you could even put me on the mortgage,. Then you wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore … now brew us a cup of tea, eh?”

What what what???

Clive is both evil and incredibly twisted.

But, Donna’s daft enough not to stand up to him.

Bert’s sprained his wrist

While standing on a stool, trying to get some drill bits.

He’s really been in the wars.

Someone needs to be keeping a closer eye on him.

Clive gets nasty

Donna tries to tell Clive that he’s going too fast for her.

[Clive] “We’ve known each other for years.”

[Donna] “Not in this way.”

Donna asks for them to take a breather over Christmas, but Clive’s not having it.

[Clive] “So, what are you planning to do for next month’s mortgage?”

Ah – trapped.

Clive then switches Donna’s phone off when it rings, then takes it away while he gets her a proper new one.

He then goes out.

[Clive] “And when I get back, I'm sure you can think of a nice way to thank me.”

Oh dear god.

This is horrible.

Donna tells Tracey about Clive

But Tracey’s to self-obsessed to hear Donna properly.

[Donna] “Tracey, I’ve gone and got mixed up with Clive … he’s moving in.”

[Tracey] “You what?”

[Donna] “At first, I just let him kiss me …”

[Tracey] “You did what?”

Tracey doesn’t hear Donna’s appeal for help. All she can hear is that Donna has cheated on Keith.

[Tracey] “Is this your sick idea of family loyalty, no wonder you need sleeping pills, I couldn’t live with myself let alone sleep at night!”

Who can Donna turn to now?

Donna gets intimate with Clive: Tues 18.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 18 December 2012

Keith tripped
Clive takes advantage
Tracey loses her job
At least Bert walks Poochy
Donna chooses Clive over Keith
Clive comforts Donna

Keith tripped

Or at least that’s what he’s telling everyone.

We got the joy (not!) of listening in to Keith getting beaten up

When a prison officer fins him:

[Officer] “Look, lad, you’re showing yourself up”.

The officer tells Keith that he has to buck up. He can’t show he’s weak. He must be respectful, but not humble. He needs to join courses, never look at his feet, don’t tell anyone about himself, keep busy and keep out of trouble.

[Officer] “You’ve a long road ahead of you.”

Am I being daft in thinking that Clive could ask to be put on the special wing, away from general prisoners?

It would mean living with some very undesirable others – but isn’t that preferable to being beaten up for being a grass … for 2 long years …?

Clive takes advantage

Well, we all knew this was coming.

Clive’s brought Donna roses.

Clive reckons he’s dumped Jackie.

(who mist not have existed in the first place)

Clive also brought Donna truffles.

And is going to fix her boiler.

[Clive] “Keith will see me right, when he gets out.”

(I bet he will!)

[Donna] “Oh Clive, thank you so much.”

[Clive] “I said I’d help you out, and I meant it. I’m a man of me word, me.”

Clive then tells her that he’s taking her out for a meal that evening.

[Clive] “It’d be nice to have such interesting company, and even better when it comes in such an attractive package … You’re a lovely woman Donna. I always said so … if I had a sweet woman like you, I’d have never got myself banged up. My brother is such an idiot.”

Clive then gives her money to get her nails and hair done, and also tells her what dress to wear.

[Clive] “The one you wore to mum’s funeral. You looked a cracker in that.”

(On. My. Word. There’s so much wrong with that, I don’t know where to begin)

Tracey loses her job

As if Bert making his trellis on the kitchen table isn’t a frustration enough (Bert claims it’s too cold out), Tracey has also been told she won’t be needed back at the school. She was only on a monthly contract and though they have still offered her a formal hearing, Tracey won’t suffer it.

[Tracey] “Oh what’s the point. They got it in for me there anyway, they can stick their job. … All I wanted was a nice Christmas for everybody, why should that be too much to ask?”

Tracey has a point that it would have been far more fair to tell Tracey after the Christmas break that her services were no longer required, but I don’t suppose they can have folks who use ‘excessive force’ on kids working in the school.

At least Bert walks Poochy

At least someone is treating that dog well, other than giving it cuddles.

What type of dog do we think Poochy is?

Donna makes her (him?) sounds like a wee yappy type thing, but Poochy has quite a butch bark.

Donna chooses Clive over Keith

Donna was due to see Keith with Tracey, but calls Tracey (while outing on a cough) to say she’s too ill.

[Tracey] “You don’t sound to me like you’re at death’s door.”

Well spotted Tracey.

Donna’s off out with Clive.

Tracey covers for Donna when she sees Keith. Obviously for Keith’s sake, rather than Donna’s.

Keith’s very upset about not seeing Donna. He’d also called their house earlier on, but only got Bert.

Seems some of the other prisoners have been winding him up about how wives don’t always stay faithful …

Clive comforts Donna

Donna’s about to send Clive a text.

She’s not sure whether to end it with a kiss.

She decides to do so.

The giggles.

What a silly, silly woman …

Anyhoo, when Clive picks Donna up, he also gives her a necklace to go with her dress.

[Clive] “You need somebody who knows how to treat a lady.”

He kisses her.

Donna kisses back.

[Donna] “Oh, that wasn’t supposed to happen.”

[Clive] “No. You sure … we all need some comfort sometimes …Donna, you know I;m attracted to you, I think you are to me too … you are so hard to resist … And I won’t tell if you don’t.”

And off to bed they go.

*sigh*

Conspiracy against Tracey: Thurs 13.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Thursday 13th December 2012

Sarah Martin sounds like a right b*tch
“Oh God, Clive Horrobin!”
Tracey’s accused of “excessive force” on a child
Donna hasn’t got enough food for Poochy
Does Clive have a girlfriend?

Sarah Martin sounds like a right b*tch

She was the teacher who caught Tracey asleep on the job the other day. Then smelt Tracey’s hangover. And reported her to the head.

So, when Tracey hears this Sarah Martin gossiping about her, she sees red.

[Tracey] “Excuse me, Ms Martin.”

Tracey then starts to shout at Sarah Martin …

[Sarah] “God, we’re not on Jeremy Kyle Tracey!”

(meow!)

That just makes Tracey even more furious.

“Oh God, Clive Horrobin!”

Was what the bloke cried when Clive Horrobin jumped him.

It was the bloke who’d been loan sharking Donna.

Clive gives him a beating, and makes him guarantee that Donna’s debt is cancelled.

How can Clive be sure the guarantee will hold?

He also takes the bloke’s mobile, and takes down his mum’s phone number.

(that’s actually quite clever of Clive)

[Clive] “Nice doing business with you. Oh. Merry Christmas!”

Ha!

I don’t like Clive at all, but that bloke had it coming.

Tracey’s accused of “excessive force” on a child

Tracey was trying to break up two kids from fighting, during which she grabbed one of the kid’s arms.

Sarah Martin sees it happening, and claims Tracey was far too rough.

[Sarah] “So you admit it, you used excessive force on Martha!”

Tracey tries to wiggle her way out of it:

[Sarah] “Don’t you trying an treat me like your kids, you patronising cow!”

Yikes! Jeremy Kyle, it is!!!

Sarah now claims it’s a child protection issue, which will need to be reported.

[Tracey] “You scheming lying toe rag, Sarah Martin!”

Tracey’s sent home, and the local authority will be involved.

[Tracey] “But I really didn’t hurt Martha.”

[Sarah] “And that’s what the officer will reveal. Have some faith in the system.”

Tracey reckons Sarah has fitted her up because she was embarrassed to be caught gossiping earlier on.

Conspiracy …

[Sarah] “You see, that’s exactly your problem there, everyone knows what a short fuse you have, and all that drinking just exacerbates it … why not try the supermarket, or there are some lovely little pubs around here!”

What a witch!

I agree with Tracey. It is a fit up, but Tracey can also blame herself for her hangover the other day, which started this all off.

So – Tracey might be out of a job ahead of Christmas. AND she’ll miss the school carol concert.

Donna hasn’t got enough food for Poochy

[Donna] “Naughty dog … eaten the cushion … jumping on the furniture … I know, you’re missing him as well, aren’t you?”

Well, considering Donna doesn’t even have any food in for Poochy, and doesn’t sound like she’s walking her (him?), I think Poochy’s problems is from a lack of attention and an empty belly.

Poochy sounds like a clever (albeit nippy) wee thing.

She (he?) certainly doesn’t like Clive.

Does Clive have a girlfriend?

He claims so. But his flat shows no sign of a woman in residence.

Just a ploy to make Donna feel that his intentions are purely honourable?

I would think so.

Clive’s spending a lot of time complimenting Donna, while making sure she’s dependent on him for money.

This can’t end well …

Donna goes for a drink with Clive: Tues 11.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 11th December 2012

Donna has financial woes
Tracey’s up in front of the head
Bert still wants to go to Susan’s
Tracey goes shopping
Keith got soap
Bert’s rambling
Tracey won’t help Donna
Clive’s there for Donna

Donna has financial woes

The bloke from the ‘Independent Financial Company’ is round hassling Donna for a repayment.

Daft woman took a loan from him.

[Loan bloke] “It’s a payday loan, today I get paid.”

When Donna tells him she hasn’t got the money on her, he forces her into his car to go to a cash machine.

Seems Donna owes the chap £540, but as she can’t make her full repayment today, he’ll take £200 and add on steeper interest. Once he’s got his money, he also refuses to take Donna back home.

[Loan bloke] “I’ll be back next Tuesday Donna. Merry Christmas.”

What a silly woman is that Donna.

When she’s later in seeing Keith, he tells her to tell Tracey about the loan shark. He also tries to help with the other bills, but the guards won’t let Donna show him. They take the paperwork away, and take Keith away from a strip search.

A tad overkill, but surely Donna can cope with paying bills herself – or even be capable of understanding a bill on her tod.

What can Keith do about it from prison?

Right enough, when Keith later on tries to call the electricity company to deal with the bill, he finds he can’t. Every number he wants to call must be on his cleared list. It’ll take until well after Christmas for the number to be approved.

Maybe Tracey can help ….

Tracey’s up in front of the head

It’s been established that Tracey was asleep while supposed to be supervising the kids, so she has to go to a hearing.

Hmmm.

Anyone else reckon Tracey will soon be claiming the dole again?

Bert still wants to go to Susan’s

Bert’s obviously worried about the quality of the Christmas dinner on offer at Tracey’s. She’s even had to get a frozen turkey, after missing out on all of the Grundy turkeys.

He reckons it’s stupid putting Tracey to such bother when Susan is already cooking.

[Bert] “It’s such a vexation for you. Susan likes cooking …”

Bert nearly (just nearly) said that Susan was a better cook, when pointing out that she does all the proper trimmings.

Of course, Tracey does not concur.

[Tracey] “All that fuss over chucking a turkey into an oven for a few hours, and boiling up loads of sprouts … she always did think she was a cut above …”

Though as Tracey said that, she also put two bags of sprouts on her shopping list.

Later on, Bert realises Tracey’s making a real effort, and drops all talk of going to Susan’s.

Phew!

I doubt Emma and Tracey could have sat at the same table without coming to blows.

Tracey goes shopping

Though Bert reckons he doesn’t need anything, Tracey wants to get him a treat.

She’s also getting presents for Emma’s kids.

[Tracey] “It’s not their fault if their mother is a cold callous backstabber, is it?”

And while she’s there, she gets tablets for both of her kids.

Has Tracey got that sort of money to start off with?

Keith got soap

Donna’s visiting Keith. She’s not enjoying the experience. Some chap keeps staring at her.

[Donna] “The bloke with the two fingers tattooed on the back of his head.”

The chap is talking to a woman who is likewise staring at Donna and Keith.

[Donna] “I don’t like the look of her. Very common.”

(ha!)

Keith tells Donna the chap is from the gang. Who Keith grassed up. So are therefore not impressed with Keith.

Still, it’s not all bad for Keith. He tells Donna he managed to get a bar of soap.

[Tracey] “Last time I spoke to him he was trying to trade his cereal for some.”

What a life …

… course, it’s how own fault for setting fire to Brookfield’s barn.

Bert’s rambling

He’s been out fixing up a willow trellis for a climbing rose. In memory of the Nat King Cole song. In memory of Ivy.

Seems they met on a youth club ramble.

[Tracey] “It’s you that’s rambling.”

Tracey won’t help Donna

Donna takes Keith’s advice, and talks to Tracey about her money problems.

But Tracey won’t help.

Not. At. All.

She reckons she hardly has any money herself (true) and that Donna shouldn’t be worrying Keith with money problems (slightly true).

Donna reckons it’s Keith’s fault they’re in this mess.

[Tracey] “You’re sat there with a designer handbag and gold wrapped around your neck.”

Actually, Tracey gets quite aggressive at Donna. She’s obviously been annoyed with Donna for a few decades or so.

[Tracey] “You’ve had it easy all these years, Keith’s treated you like a princess.”

So. Keith can’t help. Tracey won’t help.

Who can Donna turn to?

Clive’s there for Donna

Donna goes out for a drink with Clive.

She’s feeling very sorry for herself. Very put upon, alone and now reckons Keith never had any time for her.

(she’s obviously never noticed he was out and about trying to keep her in the lifestyle she was accustomed. By legal and illegal means).

[Clive] “Think of me as your own personal shoulder to cry on.”

Oh dear …

Clive’s being ever so helpful: Thurs 06.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Thursday 6th December 2012

Tracey drove home … drunk!
A Horrobin family Christmas … of sorts
“Mrs Jones is a full head not a half head”
Clive has a job and a girlfriend
Bert has a fall
Tracey’s making schoolgirl errors

Tracey drove home … drunk!

Tracey has a terrible hangover, after getting a tad tight once Keith was sentenced to 4 years.

Bert reckons she was as badly drunk as after Ivy’s funeral.

Worse still, Tracey had driven herself back from Jaxx. Drunk.

No need at all!

That’s Tracey Horrobin well and truly off of my Christmas card list.

I’m glad she had to go off and be sick as Bert waxed lyrical about fry ups and egg yolks.

A Horrobin family Christmas … of sorts

Bert’s looking forward to his Christmas lunch.

Turkey. Port. Duck fat for the tatties.

He suggests they should maybe go to Susan’s … she is the better cook …

But Tracey won’t hear of it. Not with Emma there.

[Tracey] “She grassed your son, my brother, to the Police … and my sister, Susan, supported her. Let them stew. We’ll have Donna here and show them some real family loyalty.”

Nae luck Bert!

“Mrs Jones is a full head not a half head”

I have no idea what that means, but it means something to Donna while at work in her salon.

Clive has a job and a girlfriend

Donna has a visitor at work.

Clive Horrobin.

Seems he’s doing well. He has a job in a DIT store. And has a girlfriend call Jackie who does “ a lovely spag bol”.

His only interest in seeing Donna is to buy her a sandwich.

[Clive] “Come on. You can tell me how you’re coping. Everyone need a bit of support now and then”

Clive is in a position where can help Donna because:

[Clive] “Things are going my way now because I made it happen.”

(hmmm)

Clive asks Donna how she’s holding up financially, to which she starts crying.

So Clive gives her £10.

[Clive] “If you ever need help Donna, any help at all, you just give me a call anytime.”

(double hmmmmm)

Bert has a fall

Sounded like his legs just went from him.

Doesn’t bode well.

Tracey’s making schoolgirl errors

Tracey’s woken up by a teacher called Sarah. Tracey’s got crushed crayons stuck to her face.

[Teacher Sarah] “You might want to take that bit of clay out of your hair.”

Oops.

Tracey’s at work at school, and has been caught napping. She claims she’s not very well.

But worse still:

[Teacher Sarah] “Tracey, I just got a whiff of, are you drunk. You’ve not got the flu at all, you’ve got a hangover!”

Sarah tells Tracey that they can’t have “alcohol related issues in the school room”.

[Teacher Sarah] “We’ve all got problems Tracey, it’s just that we should leave them at the door of the classroom.”

Sarah reckons that even as a dinner lady, Tracey has influence on the kids.

[Teacher Sarah] “No matter how lowly our contribution.”

(meow!)

And off Sarah went, to tattle on Tracey to the head teacher.
Not that I disagree with Sarah being appalled Tracey was stinky of booze at a school.

But Sarah does sound like a bit of a snooty b*tch.

Just what Tracey needs in her life right now.

Friday, 28 December 2012

Keith Horrobin is sentenced: Tues 04.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 4th December 2012

Here we go again!
Donna thinks Keith will be coming home
Tracey still hasn't forgiven Emma
Did Emma need stitches?
Keith gets 4 years
Tracey Vs Emma
Tracey gets drunk
Donna gets taken for a fool

Here we go again!

Welcome back Ambridge Extra … we hope it’s a welcome we’re authentic about after hearing it …

Donna thinks Keith will be coming home

[Tracey] “There’s an awful lot of party food in the fridge Donna, you don’t think he’s going to …”

Donna’s even got “jungle red” nail varnish on.

(it’s the first time we’ve heard Keith’s wife Donna speak. She sounds a bit of a simpering fool)

Seems everyone is hoping the psychological report of Keith will help reduce his sentence.

[Tracey] “You shouldn’t get your hopes up. You don’t get off for arson.”

Tracey still hasn't forgiven Emma

Though Tracey does seem to have finally accepted that Keith is guilty as charged.

[Tracey] “He really did it. You think you know someone …”

But that doesn’t change what she think of Emma.

[Tracey] “You never shop family, something that Emma should remember.”

Did Emma need stitches?

She cut herself on something before rushing off to court.

Kirsty though it needed stitches.

But Emma didn’t mention the cut again.

Odd of them to both mention it in the first place …

Keith gets 4 years

Though Keith has been a good lad since he was arrested, including pleading guilty and giving the names of the gang to the police, the judge can't ignore that he puts folks life in danger. Including George.

[Tracey] "What’s going on about George for? He’s alright."

(guess Tracey won't be winning any 'best great aunty awards anysitm soon!)

Keith gets 4 years, 2 in prison, two on licence.

Tracey spots Emma:

[Tracey] "She’s got something to do with this"

Tracey Vs Emma

[Emma] "Uncle Keith was always such a simple bloke, and now this"

Emma doesn't think 4 years is enough, considering. Even she reckons Keith was cajoled.

[Emma] "Then again it is Keith. Stupid Keith. He’s just so gullible"

[Tracey] "Oh. You., Emma flipping Grundy."

Tracey blames Emma for Keith bing sentenced to 4 years. Emma blames Tracey and Keith for the now obviously distraught Donna.

[Emma] "Donna is owed an apology. By Keith, and you"

When Emma tells Tracey she thinks Keith didn't get long enough:

[Tracey] "Do you think he’s going to be tucked up in a comfy cell on his own, with his teddy and his pyjamas?"

Indeed not! He'll be sharing a room, and onc they find out he's a grass ...

[Tracey] "They're going to give him a big welcome … "

[Emma] "You’re a classic Horrobin, just so convinced that your actions are the right ones, that you know best all the time. All I can say is thank god I'm Grundy."

Tracey gets drunk

At Jaxx, bending poor Kirsty's ear.

Tracey is disgusted that Susan wasn't at the sentencing. She feels very alone, trying to deal with Keith and Donna, while living with and looking after her dad and Gary.

[Tracey] "I should go. You don’t want some sad woman at your bar"

Quite!

Donna gets taken for a fool

Tracey gets home, alone (apart from their dog Poochy) to find that her and Keith's mortgage i 2 months behind.

Bu fortune is smiling on her. A nice chap calls round, saying her's from nan Independent Financial Company ...

...he'd been round earlier on when Donna was out, reckoning this would be a good place to start "borrowing".

Sounds Like a loan shark, but I don't suppose Donna would have the sense to spot that.

Sunday, 26 August 2012

Ifty didn’t fancy Tracey because of Keith: Tues 21.08.12

(aye, right then!)

The Archers Tuesday 21st August 2012

Susan won’t go to court
Kathy wishes she had Jamie’s social life
Tracey really is demented
Sick cows will be the ruin of Emma and Ed
Rosa’s on a boy hunt
Brookfield’s back to ‘normal’

Susan won’t go to court

Keith was up at the magistrates today.

[Emma] “I don’t know what will happen, and I can’t say I’m bothered.”

Susan says she can’t (won’t) go.

[Tracey] “You really don’t care don’t you. Never mind he’s your bother, never mind that he risked his skin to grass up his mates.”

[Susan] “So he could try and get off with a lighter sentence!”

[Tracey] “So that he could try and get some kind of justice. He did the right thing in the end.”

[Susan] “You know where I stand … I;m not coming.”

[Tracey] “When he’s lucky one of us still knows the meaning of family loyalty.”

Even when it’s misplaced, eh Tracey?

And I’m not remotely surprised Susan won’t go.

Aside from Keith having been a very bad lad, court must also bring back painful memories of her own incarceration …

When Tracey later crosses paths with Emma:

[Tracey] “You! I’ve got nothing to say to you. This is all your fault, I hope you’re satisfied.”

*sigh*

Anyhoo, Keith is committed for trial at the Crown Court. Though he’s been bailed, he can’t go anywhere near Ambridge.

Kathy wishes she had Jamie’s social life

Eh?

I couldn’t imagine anything worse.

Kathy really needs to get out more (and with folks of her own generation).

Tracey really is demented

She thinks that she’s sacrificed her future happiness with Ifty by standing up for bother Keith.

[Tracey] “Ifty … me and Ifty. It’s finished. It’s all over between us.”

[Susan] “Tracey what are you on about? … what do you mean all over, nothing’s happened? … I knew you were after him of course, you made that pretty obvious …”

[Tracey] “My big chance. For once in my life I’d met a nice decent bloke, and now it’s finished. All because of Keith.”

[Susan] “Hold on, are you telling me, you and him … did he even go out with you? No he didn’t!”

[Tracey] “I reckon Ifty won’t have nothing to do with me cause my brother’s a crook … can’t see why else …”

[Susan, starting to lose her common sense when she thinks someone is demeaning her family] “He thinks your family isn’t good enough for him! … Well I;m sorry, but I can’t say I;m too surprised.”

[Tracey] “Yeah, you must he happy now, you never liked him from the start.”

[Susan] “Just leave it Tracey.”

What a strange, stranger family.

Sick cows will be the ruin of Emma and Ed

The vet bills are crippling Ed and Emma. It couldn’t have come at a worse time, what with milk prices.

[Emma] “I don’t know how we’re going to manage mum. Mike’s not giving us much for our milk.”

They had to cancel George going on a school trip as they couldn’t afford it. And Keira needs new shoes, which is also well beyond their means.

Susan brings them round some chicken pies, and wants to take Emma out shopping Saturday morning and to buy Keira’s shoes for them.

[Susan] “I feel like I owe you, after everything.”

Rosa’s on a boy hunt

She really, really does like Jamie.

Rosa calls and leaves him a voice message. She says she’s been thinking about his since the party.

[Rosa] “Be nice to meet up again sometime?”

She then goes round to see if Jamie is home. But it’s only Kathy.

Rosa tells Kathy that Jamie’s split up with Natalie (Kathy didn’t know), and what Jamie had told her was his exams results (better than he actually got, which Kathy didn’t know. She knew the real results).

Not sure if Rosa was stirring, or genuinely didn’t realise she was dropping Jamie in it.

But she then dropped herself in it by telling Kathy that she’s told Jamie exams don’t matter.

Kathy didn’t appreciate that. Maybe Rosa’s scooter won’t be enough to make her decent daughter-in-law material after all.

Brookfield’s back to ‘normal’

[Ruth] “Job satisfaction all round … nice to get back to some real old fashioned farming again. Calving, the weather …”

She’s talking to Emma about the relief that it would seem the gang nightmare is over.

[Ruth] “We won’t forget what you did for us, or what it’s cost you.”

Ach well. Emma doesn’t need aunts and uncles like Tracey and Keith in her life, I reckon.

Friday, 10 August 2012

Keith admits he’s the firestarter: Wed 01.08.12

The Archers Wednesday 1st August 2012

Keith’s guilty, but it’s all Emma’s fault
Jennifer compares Brian to Stalin
Even Jennifer can't afford stamps
Jennifer likes a bit of Alan Bates
Fallon’s van went by

Keith’s guilty, but it’s all Emma’s fault

According to Tracey …

Tracey called Susan to tell her Keith’s been charged. Just so happened Emma was there at the time (buying an electricity card. That £30 won’t get her very far).

[Emma] “So, it looks like he really did do it.”

[Susan] “You can’t know that. Lord alone knows what state he must be in.”

[Emma] “I’m so sorry it’s worked out like this. I didn’t want to be right.”

[Susan] “None of us wanted you to be right Emma.”

Tracey goes round to see Keith.

[Tracey] “What you been charged with?”

[Keith] “Arson. Criminal damage. Conspiracy.”

[Tracey] “Blimey. But they let you out again?”

Seems so. Though Keith had to report back to the Police regularly, and must stay away from Ambridge. The case will go to the Magistrates, then probably onto the Crown Court. Which could take a while.

[Keith] “It’ll be quicker if I plead guilty.”

[Tracey] “Guilty? Why would you do that? You didn’t do it … Keith …”

Keith admits he did. Forensics caught him.

[Tracey] “I just can’t believe it. Petrol bombing a farm.”

[Keith] “It weren’t a petrol bomb, I just …”

[Tracey] “I don’t care how you did it. What am I going to say to people … I’ve been defining you all round the village … how can you be so stupid, you’ve got it sorted. Good job. Nice house, what got into you Keith?”

[Keith] “It’s all front. The motor trade’s been rubbish for ages. I’ve got a massive mortgage on the place. I’m scared to think how many credit cards I’ve got, and they’re all up to the limit. And then this wedding came along. What could I do …?”

[Tracey] “Alright, so you’re skint. How does burning down a barn help that?”

[Keith] “There are some blokes. I knew one of them from way back … it started with the odd dodgy car … cause I know the area and I get about, I let them know if there was any kit that looks like an easy target … tractors, quad bikes … it was easy money. And all this stuff’s insured, no-one was supposed to get hurt.”

[Tracey] “These blokes, are you saying they were the ones what lamped Adam Macy?”

Indeed they are. Though Keith reckons he wasn’t “directly involved”. All he did was tell them about Adam’s forage harvester.

Then, when David could identify the blokes who attacked Adam:

[Keith] “We, they, the others, wanted to persuade him not to give evidence.”

Keith reckons he had nothing to do with the phone calls. Or letting the cows out.

[Keith] “I just did the fire.”

[Tracey] “Just!”

Keith reckons the blokes were pressuring him to have a turn. That they knew enough about him to get him into serious trouble at work, and with the Police.

[Keith] “I feel terrible. I’ll never forgive myself. I just got in too deep.”

BUT Keith is refusing to name these other bad blokes.

[Tracey] “You don’t have no choice Keith. You’ve got to cooperate. If you don’t, you’re going down forever.”

When Tracey tells Susan that Keith did do it:

[Susan] “I’ve had about just enough of this family.”

[Tracey] “He just got sucked in Susan, he never meant it to go this far.”

[Susan] “I don’t know what I’m going to say to Emma …”

[Tracey] “Her? … it’s Keith you ought to be worried about!”

[Susan] “He’s done a wicked, wicked thing!!!”

Emma comes in. Susan tells her Keith’s admitted it:

[Susan] “I’m really sorry Emma. I shouldn’t have doubted you. I just never thought he would …”

[Emma] “I know. I’m sorry too.”

When Emma leaves the room:

[Susan] “You’re being very unfair to Emma.”

[Tracey] “Whatever she though, she should never have made that phone call.”

[Susan] “He did something wrong.”

[Tracey] “And he’s suffering for it. He’s in bits.”

[Susan] “Yeah, now he’s been caught.”

[Tracey] “I don’t care. You just don’t do that to your own family.”

What a load of rubbish, Tracey.

Can believe it, but I’m squarely on Emma’s side this time. She did absolutely the right thing.

Jennifer compares Brian to Stalin

Quite right too.

Brian won the tender for supplying the arable to the Super Dairy (after a scintillating BL meeting …).

Annabelle asked Brian about the Adam ‘situation’.

[Brian] “It’s a slightly fluid situation at the moment.”

[Annabelle] “So, he’s jumped ship.”

[Brian] “Oh. Not necessarily so. The fat lady hasn’t sung yet.”

Jennifer wasn’t remotely happy to hear that Brian had ‘won’. It means next to no land for Adam to farm.

[Brian] “This has secured the future of the farm.”

[Jennifer] “What about Adam … so you’re writing him out of history, are you Brian, like some Soviet trick that’s fallen out of favour!”

[Brian] “Don’t be ridiculous darling. I’m not Stalin.”

[Jennifer] “Well it’s just that Adam doesn’t fit into your 5 year plan!”

[Brian] “He can if he chooses.”

I’m with Adam.

Sod it, move on, and get rid of having to bow to Brian.

Even Jennifer sounds increasing fed up with Brian.

Son or husband?!?

Even Jennifer can't afford stamps

She was going to buy 40 first class, but went for 20 first and 20 second instead.

[Jennifer] “They’re such a price now, aren’t they?”

Must be so if Jennifer has noticed.

Jennifer likes a bit of Alan Bates

(there was a lot of Jennifer today)

Jennifer was very impressed by Lynda’s cultural Olympiad. Especially the poetry reading.

[Jennifer] “She’s found this chap with a touch of the Alan Bates about him, in Grange Spinney … I could have cheerfully listened to him read the Borchester phone book.”

Fallon’s van went by

Seems now on their way to Edinburgh.

Sounded very noisy!

Monday, 23 July 2012

Tracey is frightfully rude to Emma: Mon 23.07.12

The Archers Monday 23rd July 2012

Tracey pulls her punches
Fallon and Harry return to go to Edinburgh
Even Susan thinks Emma’s lying

Tracey pulls her punches

She went for purely verbal assaults instead.

[Tracey] “You can knock some sense into that spiteful daughter of yours!”

Seems Keith is at home, near suicidal with depression.

[Susan] “I can’t bear it, my daughter against my brother, what can I do?”

[Tracey] “She’s mad!”

Tracey reckons everyone knows Keith is innocent.

[Tracey] “Everyone knows it expect that vindictive daughter of yours.”

When Tracey later goes round to see Emma, to tell her to stop lying.

[Tracey] “You’ve built up this great big fantasy, it’s you that needs locking up, not Keith … what a spiteful cow you are. Spiteful and malicious!”

Blimey. With an Aunt like that …

Fallon and Harry return to go to Edinburgh
How very odd.

We hadn’t heard from Harry nor Fallon for an age.

But up they pop today (right next to the secret microphones).

Harry’s bemoaning that everyone seems to have gone off on holiday. Though Fallon suggests he also heads off for a wee trip to the Milk Bottle Museum, he thinks he’ll just end up taking a holiday to watch the Olympics on telly.

Fallon’s next suggestion:

[Fallon] “A caravan in West super Mare and a bag full of 10 pence pieces, holiday sorted!”

Harry reckons he’s too skint to even afford that.

Then Fallon remembers she owns a camper van. Big enough for two …

[Harry] “Weston super Mare, here we come!”

Then they check what’s on:

[Harry] “Music and beer fest.”

[Fallon] “No thanks, potbellied blokes holding their pints up to the light … I get enough of that here.”

They want to go somewhere with life, music, culture … so they ask Kenton (!).

He suggest Edinburgh. He once went there with a mate:

[Kenton] “Yeah, and I think we left our mark!”

(he thankfully didn’t go into details)

So – they’ll be off to The Fringe. (The Fringe still strikes terror into my heart when it’s uttered … I survived 17 years of it as a local)

[Kenton] “Hmm Hmmm … you and Harry in a camper van, eh?”

Well spotted Kenton … Fallon might get her man after all!

Even Susan thinks Emma’s lying

After suffering the tirade from Tracey, Emma goes to tirade at Susan.

[Emma] “So, you still haven’t made up your mind, me or Keith?”

[Susan] “You can’t want Keith to go to prison love … It was someone who looked like Keith, maybe … I think you’ve built it up ... and now it’s a cast iron certainty … I know it’s a hard thing to admit, but can’t you accept the possibility that you could have got it wrong … it’s Keith’s future at stake … I’m sure in your heart you don’t want it to be him … the thing is, you’ve been wrong before … you swore blind that Ed was George’s father … you had us all going.”

[Emma] “This is nothing like that,. I saw him mum!”

[Susan] “You saw someone … maybe you just persuaded yourself it was Keith …”

Oh – Susan was cheeky to mention George’s paternity!

But she has a point.

Emma’s very good at convincing herself, then convincing everyone else …

Saturday, 21 July 2012

Lilian’s so naughty: Thurs 19.07.12

The Archers Thursday 19th July 2012

Fete team selection hots up
Keith’s been arrested, Emma unmasked
Lilian loves winding up Jennifer
Keith’s been released

Fete team selection hots up

[Susan] “Your dad thinks we should open a transfer window … that’s the problem, nothing premier about our team … there’s Sabrina, she’s reasonably athletic I suppose.”

[Emma] “She’s got all the kit anyway.”

[Susan] “But you look at the other people we’ve got to go on. Jim, Jill, Oliver Sterling, Christine. You can see what I’m getting at … if I could go on the transfer market and sign up our Christopher or your Ed.”

Which, considering there are no rules for the Fete games, Susan might as well do. And stop complaining.

Keith’s been arrested, Emma unmasked

Tracey bursts into the shop to tell Susan and Emma that the Police have been round again. They’re arrested him this time.

[Susan] “Sometimes the Police can be totally out of order.”

(aye, Susan would know!)

[Emma] “Well it is a serious crime, people could have died. George.”

[Susan] “But they shouldn’t pick on someone just because of their name.”

[Emma] “Mum, you don’t know if it was because of that!”

[Susan, sensing something is awry] “What do you mean?”

[Emma, sensing Susan sense something is awry] “Nothing.”

[Tracey] “No you don’t, go on.”

[Emma] “Where did he go when he left the bar that night … I wanna know, that’s all … and how did he injure his leg like that?”

[Tracey] “The hamster.”

[Emma] “Oh come on, even you aren’t stupid enough to believe that!”

[Tracey] “It was you, wasn't it!”

[Emma] “No.”

[Susan] “Emma, was it? … oh Emma!”

But the deed is done. They know it was Emma who told on Keith.

[Tracey] “Never mind what you thought you saw, you got it wrong.”

[Emma] “I don’t think so.”

[Tracey] “You must have done, because Keith was never there!”

Emma’s adamant it was Keith. After all, why would he have seemed to guilty at his daughter’s wedding.

[Tracey] “Comes to something when a bit of compassion is a sign of guilt … why are you doing this. Why do you want him put away? … Now that they’ve got a witness, they’ll hammer away at him until he breaks.”

[Emma] “Don’t be silly, it’s not Guantanamo bay.”

[Tracey] “Don’t you joke. They’ll keep on and on at him, and when they’ve broken him, they’ll put him away for years,. And it’ll be all your fault! … I’ll never forgive you Emma Grundy. Do you hear that!”

(Emma stormed away)

Lilian loves winding up Jennifer

And how!

Ruairi is doing a spot of weeding for Lilian, to earn money to buy a dog statue from Eddie.

[Lilian] “The first thing we’ve got to make sure is that you know the difference between a weed and a plant.”

Ruairi does know the difference, and asks if he can get 10p a weed.

(sounds expensive to me!)

As Ruairi gets underway, Peggy pops round for coffee. She’s also been approached by Ruairi. He must be desperate to earn his money for something:

[Peggy] “Whatever it is, Jennifer heartily disapproves … asking me not to be over generous with him.”

[Lilian] “She probably thinks I’m so mean she doesn’t need to bother. I’m intrigued though. I shall make it my business to find out.”

When Ruairi is finished, he’s pulled 123 weeds. He tells Lilian and Peggy what he wants the money for. And that not all of his family agree it’s a super statue.

[Ruairi] “Jennifer doesn’t think so. She told dad it was hideous.”

[Lilian] “Well, we’ll have to see if we can help, won’t we grandma …I can’t think why Jenny didn’t like him!”

[Ruairi] “He’s brilliant!”

[Lilian, chuckling] “If Eddie made him, I’m sure he's a real work of art … If we say 123 at 20 pence each … I think we better adds a £5 bonus on top … well, you found that long lost trowel … what was Eddie quoting?”

Ruairi says £45, but he bargained him down to £35 (Brian’s told him always to bargain).

So, Lilian tells Ruairi to also oil her front gate. And she’ll round it up to £35.

[Lilian] “In the meantime, why don’t you phone Eddie and get tour order in … but first, I’d insist he install it in your garden,. On a little plinth.”

[Peggy] “Lilian. You are naughty. That’s a fortune!”

[Lilian] “I know, but what price happiness, eh?”

[Peggy] “Poor Jennifer’s going to be in for a surprise.”

[Lilian] “You know, I’d give anything to be there when she sees it!”

*big Lilian roar of laughter*

Marvellous!

Love it when Lilian plays rough!

Keith’s been released

Susan went round to see Emma at Rickyard.

Emma explains that she called the Police for her children. She again tells that it was Keith’s behaviour at the wedding which made her sure it was he who’d burnt down the Brookfield barn.

[Emma] “He was looking really guilty. And on top of that he had a limp … it all adds up.”

[Susan] “Maybe I’d have said something to Keith”

[Emma] “I don’t care, George and Keira, that’s what matters to me. And I thought you’d feel the same.”

Tracey bursts in (again) to say Keith has been released (though on Police bail). Emma reckons that means they Police have got their suspicions.

[Tracey] “Course they’ve got suspicions, he’s a Horrobin!”

Susan and Tracey assert that Emma’s go to remember Keith’s had his bad moments, but he’s nothing like Clive.

[Emma] “Keith’s just weak. If you asks me they’re as bad as each other>”

[Tracey] “Listen to Miss perfect, I don’t think. Quite happy to stitch up her own family, after she’s wrecked her own!”

(there was a big thump when Tracey said that. Must have been Emma thumping something or other, though surprised she didn’t thump Tracey!)

My word.

That’s a family argument and a half!

Still think it’s all a red herring, though. The more Emma says she’s sure, the less I believe her.

A Horrobin grasses on a Horrobin: Sun 15.07.12

The Archers Sunday 15th July 2012

Emma phones Crimestoppers
Price or value?
Brookfield’s in a state
Sabrina’s in training for donuts
The Police came for Keith

Emma phones Crimestoppers

[Emma] “Well there’s someone you need to investigate … I know he was involved, that’s all I’m saying … it’s Keith Horrobin.”

Emma didn’t give her name, so no one will have a clue who ‘shopped’ Keith.

All credit to Emma. She’s generally not one of my favourite Ambridge residents, but she’s come good this time. Couldn’t have been easy.

Price or value?

Annabelle’s obsessions about the arable tender for the Super Dairy continues. (very odd).

Brian seems to be turning from not giving a hoot, to starting to twig that Home farm might not be a shoe-in after all.

[Brian] “They’re cowboy firms, trying it on, there’s no way they’d make a profit … they see BL as fresh meat, a soft target ripe for the picking.”

[Annabelle] “You’re mixing your metaphors, Brian … So, your line is we’re quite a bit more expensive, but we’ll give you better value for your money?”

Indeed it is. Brian reckons he can go in higher because he (well, Adam) is closer by to be able to deal with anything urgent. Most of the other firms are at least 15 miles away (imagine that! They’d take a whole extra 15 minutes to get there).

So Brian needs Adam to keep a record (and look back two years) to be able to evidence when he has been able to rush out and avert disaster.

Now I’d have though Adam would use this as his opportunity to scupper part of the Super Dairy (if a lesser company did get the contract, maybe they’d screw it up). But, Adam knows Home Farm needs this contract.

So he agrees. Albeit grudgingly.

Annabelle’s amazed at Brian’s persuasion prowess.

[Brian] “Never let the grass grow under my feet.”

[Annabelle] “Or any other forage crop!”

(ha!)

Brookfield’s in a state

We didn’t get to hear from David, Ruth or their brood today – but everyone else was saying what a mess the farm is in.

[Susan] “Bit of a state, is it?”

[Emma] “There’s hardly anything left. Just a few bits of twisted steel.”

Also a patio table and George’s bike are ruined.

[Susan] “Let’s hope the Police get their act together. Personally I’d throw away the key.”

Hmmm. Susan will change her tune soon enough …

Sabrina’s in training for donuts

Susan’s harassing Neil to join a team for the sports at the Fete.

[Susan] “Keeps saying if he plays for anyone at all, it’ll be the cricket team.”

[Emma] “That’d be worth seeing. Dad racing in his sleeping bag.”

[Susan] “What about the other, the dramatic donut race, or whatever it’s called.”

Seems the donut race involved running round the track four times, while putting more clothes on, and eating donuts.

[Susan] “What about Sabrina, she’s already training for it.”

I suppose that makes sense. Burn the calories off before you pile them on (or is she training by eating donuts while she runs?)

The Police came for Keith

Tracey burst into Susan’s while Emma was there to say that the Police had taken Keith that morning.

[Tracey] “They’re trying to do him for the fire … Some snake in the grass, anonymous of course”

[Susan] “Not Keith, that ridiculous, I can’t take this in!”

[Tracey] “Some nutter with a grudge phones up and they take it seriously.”

[Susan] “Especially when his name’s Horrobin.”

(well, that’s fair enough really. It usually is a Horrobin that’s to blame)

Later on, Keith turned up, he’d been released without charge.

[Keith] “Of course they have. They haven’t got a thing on me.”

Keith tried to ask Emma about George, but she responded rather coldly.

Tracey was still ranting about whoever grassed on Keith. She reckons it’s them who want “locking up”. But Keith didn’t want a fuss.

Wonder why …

So they start trying to work out who holds a grudge against Keith.

[Tracey] “Emma, you got any idea?”

Oh ho!

I would like to be Emma when Tracey works it out …

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Keith’s a firestarter? Fri 13.07.12

The Archers Friday 13th July

Adam wants David to stop
Churches should provide ashtrays
Keith has a limp …
Keith sounds guilty …
Keith left early …
Jumping to conclusions?
Annabelle doesn’t do puddings

Adam wants David to stop

Adam’s brought round some straw for Brookfield, though they’ll have to buy in their own hay. The insurance should cover it, but we all know how long insurance can take …

Adam’s beyond horrified:

[Adam] “I know you said you'd stand firm, but a line's been crossed here, they really mean business, they don’t care about people’s lives ... I couldn't live with myself.”

But, as David has got to this stage, the Police are now willing to do a bit more for him (it would seem). They’ll have two on duty at Brookfield, plus step-up drive rounds.

So, with that and his cameras and security lights, David feels quite confident he and his family are safe.

[Adam] “So, how come you don’t have a barn?”

Quite!

Churches should provide ashtrays

[Tracey] “What are you supposed to do with your fag ends around here?”

[Ed] “I dunno. not smoke in the first place, I suppose.”

[Tracey] “And they wonder why people don’t go to church!”

Ah – Tracey, pure class. Especially at her brother’s daughter’s wedding!

It’s all “petal and powders”. That won’t be the way Tracey will have her do.

[Tracey] “Me and Ifti. When we get hitched. I want us coming in on elephants.”

[Ed] “In Ambridge?”

[Tracey] “In India!”

Oh good lord!

Tracey would be funny, if she wasn’t verging on being racist.

Ifti’s probably from Oxford.

Keith has a limp …

Oh, does he now?

And he got it falling over a hamster?

Hmmm …

Keith sounds guilty …

[Tracey] “I wish mum was here to see it. She'd be so chuffed you’d done good.”

You could actually hear Keith turning red at that.

Later on, he was joking with Emma about burnt sausage rolls, after she’d made mention of a fire.

He was horrified to realise that she’d meant the Brookfield one. That she had been there. Keith thought she’d been at Susan’s.

[Keith] “I’d no idea. So sorry.”

[Emma] “I’ve never been so scared in my life”

[Keith] “I’m so, so sorry. I really am.”

Hmmm …

Keith left early …

From the blokes do at the do. On the night of the fire at Brookfield.

[Tracey] “Can't take your beer, tripping over hamsters!”

Hmmm …

Jumping to conclusions?

Emma’s putting everything together, and coming up with her uncle Keith as the firestarter.

[Emma] “How likely is that .. it could be a convenient excuse ... he kept saying he was sorry, so sorry ... like it was his fault ... it could have been …”

[Ed] “It could have been anyone, it can't be ...”

[Emma] “When you put it all together ...”

See – Uncle Keith, the firestarter!

Would seem that could indeed be the case.

I wonder …

Annabelle doesn’t do puddings

But she does do panic, on behalf of Brian. Especially when Brian refuses to panic.

I have no idea why Annabelle does that.

She’s got herself in a tizzy about the arable contract. Seems Annabelle is worried that other BL Board members have been telling other companies to tender.

Brian doesn’t seem bothered. He thinks he and Home Farm can do better price and value.

Actually, must admit I’m not that bothered either …

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Judged by Britain in Bloom: Tues 03.07.12

The Archers Tuesday 3rd July 2012

After all that fuss …
Marcia fancies Joe?
Kenton wants you … but won’t say what for
Keira the Destroyer
Keith’s not a happy man
Ignorance is not sexy, Tracey

After all that fuss …

… it was a bit of a slow day in Ambridge.

Shame, really.

Marcia fancies Joe?

So, the great day has arrived.

After all that harassing and demanding, Lynda gets to present Ambridge to the Britain in Bloom judges.

One of who is called Marcia Greeve. The other Douglas (but Douglas doesn’t speak).

[Tracey] “Susan was polishing the veg for them … everyone’s gone bonkers””

It seems to all go fine. She and Jim do the honours.

Well, until Joe and Bartleby clip-clop by to catch Marcia’s eye …

Lynda disentangles them from Joe, only to find Jim steering the judges towards no. 8 The Green. Mind on that this was the only house to not follow the prescribed red, white and blue flower theme. They went yellow …

BUT.

Marcia loved it.

[Marcia] “It’s gaudy, but not garish.”

Jim was beside himself with glee with Marcia said that! What a wicked boy he is to Lynda.
They moved onto the Community Orchard.

Where Joe’s waiting to give them a nip of his cider.

[Lynda, horrified] “Joe’s a real character isn’t he?”

[Marcia] “He’s a real sweetie.”

(if Joe wasn’t 90, and Marcia sounded in her 30s or 40s, I’d have thought we were about to have an Autumn romance)

After all was said and done:

[Jim] “I think that all went rather well.”

[Lynda] “Yes, yes I suppose so … apart from Joe hijacking.”

Though Jim thinks that Marcia liked Joe, and her taking to him was an advantage. Joe certainly thinks so:

[Joe] “Wouldn’t be surprised if I swung the result in our favour.”

Though Joe is more than aware that his ‘help’ wasn’t welcomed by Lynda:

[Joe] “… every time I appeared she tuned a funny colour /… me and Bartleby were more than a match for her!”

Kenton wants you … but won’t say what for

Seems Kenton’s posters for the sport bit of the Fete are up and about. They have a space for people to sign up to teams. But, the posters don’t mention what the teams will be doing.

Mind you, Lynda’s performance art sounds more worrying than anything Kenton might have planned.

Keira the Destroyer

Just as the judges are about to come to the Village Shop, Emma and Ed’s Keira starts rearranging it.

[Susan] “Good job I noticed what she did to that tub earlier”

(what? What did Keira do to the tub?!? We must be told)

As Lynda arrives at the shop with the judges, she’s trying to tell them about volunteering, when she’s drowned out by Keira’s crying.

Though it’s okay.

Marcia is distracted by the phone box and it’s lovely, lovely flowers.

Keith’s not a happy man

In fact, he sounds near suicidal.

He’s in Ambridge for a hair and make-up rehearsal at Susan’s before the wedding. Well, that’s something most men would turn pale at the thought of …

[Tracey] “You should see Chelsea. She’s like a bottle of pop!”

Better still. Hyper little girls.

It all sounded very raucous at Susan. Even Emma though it was too much – Tracey was supposed to be keeping them all calm:

[Emma] “It would be nice of Tracey lent a hand … doesn’t sound like she’s doing too good a job of it.”

Then Chelsea’s hamster got loose …

Keith eventually winds up in The Bull having a chat with Joe. He sounds beyond despondent.

[Keith] “This one’s costing me an arm and several legs … to be honest Joe; I don’t know how I’m going to do it.”

Oops.

Sounds like this wedding is on the never ever (never!).

Ignorance is not sexy, Tracey

Tracey has been trying to make lamb samosas. Something to do with trying to win Ifty’s affections.

That’s so wrong, on so many levels, that I actually don’t want to discuss it.

(by the way – seems Ifty’s surname is Sha)

Monday, 25 June 2012

Alice still on about Amy: Tues 12.06.12

The Archers Tuesday 12th June 2012

Alice is (still) on heat
The pollen is still annoying Lynda
Tracey’s stalking Ifty
Lynda tells Will she saw his will…
Rosa’s stalking Jamie
Jamie to learn chainsaw!
PLEASE change the tune, Amy

Alice is (still) on heat

(seriously … there’s something in the water)

As Chris makes a “wide pair of webbed shoes” for a “four year old with collapsed heels” (one assumes that’s horsey talk!), Alice has her mind on other things:

[Chris] “It gets pretty hot in the forge.”

[Alice] “I know it does. Remember I like you all sweaty.”

Later on, as Alice wakes Chris up during a post-work nap:

[Chris] “Alice, I haven’t had my dinner yet.”

[Alice] “I must be more appealing than a plate of pasta!”

[Chris] “Of course you are, but not as calorific.”

But Alice can’t ‘do’ later on. Amy’s coming round … so Chris goes to nets instead.

The pollen is still annoying Lynda

Quite “vehemently”, actually.

Lynda swears by honey.

[Lynda] “They say a spoonful a day keeps the pollen away.”

Tracey’s stalking Ifty

As Ifty keeps getting texts:

[Lynda] “You alright Iftikar? You suddenly look rather wan.”

At nets:

[Chris] “What’s aunty Tracey doing?”

Would seem Tracey was stalking round the pitch, trying to get Ifty’s attention. While still texting him.

(adult) Bunny Boiler …

Lynda tells Will she saw his will…

…y

(sorry – that’s a bad one, but couldn’t resist!)

[Will] “I haven’t seen you in ages.”

[Lynda] “No, no it has been a whole since I’ve seen you in the flesh, I mean, actually seen you …”

Will’s none the wiser until later on. He bumps into Lynda as she’s just leaving The Bull:

[Lynda] “Robert’s got a Rioja and a bag of pistachios waiting for me.”

[Will] “Any luck spotting the beast … I’m sure you’ll see something interesting sooner or later.”

[Lynda] “The cameras do suggest that there are wild animals out there, but they’re not what I expected. It’s amazing what does on in the woods after dark, mother nature’s quite a draw you know, for all strange bodies …”

[Will] “Oh! I think I’ll just get my pint …”

Poor Will.

Lynda seemed to really enjoy revealing what he and Nic had revealed to her …

Rosa’s stalking Jamie

Jamie’s at nets, so Rosa is also at nets.

[Rosa] “Why she giving me evils?”

[Jamie] “That’s Natalie, she’s my girlfriend.”

But Rosa doesn’t seem to mind or care.

(junior) Bunny boiler …

Jamie to learn chainsaw!

I wouldn’t have felt safe even just saying that a few months back.

What changed lad he is.

Seems he really enjoyed working with Mike, and is chuffed as punch to be going on a one day chainsaw course.

PLEASE change the tune, Amy

Amy and Alice are having a drink out.

Amy starts on about how she keeps noticing the couples, and how she missed being part of one:

[Amy] “The everyday boring normality of being in a relationship.”

(what?!? She was only with Carl for 5 minutes)

Amy recalls the time she and Carl had breakfast in 9what sounds like) a greasy spoon:

[Amy] “I remember thinking I didn’t need anything or anyone else, it was just perfect.”

[Alice, getting frustrated] “The truth is Carl cheated on his wife, and he got found out.”

[Amy] “Well that’s your interpretation …”

Amy’s new theory is that the child Carl has with his wife isn’t actually his, and that he’s in the process of splitting up with his wife anyway.

[Alice] “Amy, I’m not saying this to hurt you, but Carl split up with you. He’s chosen her.”

[Amy] “How would you feel if this happened to you and Chris … you can’t be sure.”

[Alice] “Amy, what is it going to take for you to accept that Carl is a player?”

[Amy] “Maybe I’ll only believe it if Carl tells me himself.”

Oh for the love of god!

Get Carl to tell her, and make Amy shut up and grow up!

Chris certainly agrees with me. When Alice bumps him yet again for Amy:

[Alice] “You and me can see each other anytime.”

[Chris] “That’s not the point … no, you can’t keep dropping everything because Amy’s feeling down.”

[Alice] “… she can’t cope on her own. I thought you understood.”

[Chris] “Well I’ve had enough, no Alice, this is Amy’s mess not yours. So just back off.”

Good on you Chris!

Sticky Wicket 2012 10.06.12

The Archers Sunday 10th June 2012

Tracey makes more moves on Ifty
The pollen count keeps Lynda away
Elona and Darrell’s daughter Rosa
Ambridge cricket team won!
Jamie and Roy in the final
Mike gave Jamie a job

Tracey makes more moves on Ifty

Tracey’s managed to get a deckchair next to Ifty, and is trying to show her cricketing knowledge. Which includes shouting at the Umpire that he got his decision wrong (Neil out to Harry):

[Tracey] “I’ll have a word of it later. He proper muffed it … problem is, I take my cricket seriously me. Reckon if brad and Chelsea hadn’t come along,. I’d have joined the barmy army … captain of the netball team in the juniors, wing attack …”

She then gets hot. Has to take her cardigan off. And asks Ifty to rub in some sun lotion …

[Ifty, sound exasperated] “Tracey, we’re in Ambridge, not Ayia Napa”

Later on, Ifty doesn’t even want Tracey’s prawns:

[Tracey] “…and they’ve got cheese. Cheese never harmed anyone, did it?”

Probably not. But scalding hot tea does harm one when it’s dropped onto their knee.

Which Tracey does to Ifty.

Yup. He’ll be hers in no time.

The pollen count keeps Lynda away

I’ll bet the rest of the Ambridge residents wish they’d know it was that easy years ago!

Elona and Darrell’s daughter Rosa

Rosa started speaking near the secret microphones today. And made quite an impact.

She first got told to “joy off to the rest of the kids” when she interrupted Tracey’s attempted flirtations with Ifty.

[Rosa] “I’m not a kid. I have a job!”

Indeed you do. With Mike, bottling. When she later has a chat with (at!) Mike about Ifty:

[Rosa] “I heard looked like he was in a boyband … that’s the old bloke who gave me a deckchair!”

But, Rosa definitely does like Jamie:

[Rosa] “I’ve enjoyed watching you play, I er, haven’t been able to keep my eyes off you”

Jamie sounded quite pleased to hear that. Not sure his girlfriend Natalie will be …

Ambridge cricket team won!

Against the Borchester Old Boys by 4 runs.

Good good.

Jamie and Roy in the final

Jamie won!

Well done Jamie. Well done indeed. Sid would be bursting with pride.

Mike gave Jamie a job

Clearing and logging timber on the estate with Mike. He seems really chuffed about that.

It also means he’s working for the same boss as Rosa:

[Rosa] “He can be a bit gruff, but he’s a big softy really.”