The Archers Wed 16th Feb 2011: Royalty comes to Ambridge

• “Such an exciting day for us all”
• Do Susan and Clarrie write for Heat?
• Correction fluid?
• Susan and Clarrie chat to Camilla
• Poor old Lyndee, stuck in the lavatory
• Ah – that explains Lord Netherborne
• Too slow for Charles?
• So – she laughed, and liked the shortbread
• I refuse to even comment on Kenton and Jolene anymore
• Camilla should have stopped
• “Has anyone seen Oliver?”

“Such an exciting day for us all”

So says Lynda. But, I must admit, she doesn’t quite speak for me.

I wish no harm on the Royals, but am not particularly excited about them or their doings.

My only joy out of this particular Royal visit is the classic Lyndee moments it has helped nurture.

But ho-hum. Well done Camilla. I suppose if anything, there might be a bit of a flurry of donations and support for osteoporosis.


Do Susan and Clarrie write for Heat?

Arriving early to bag a good place to watch Camilla go by, Clarrie and Susan then go off into a ‘she’s thin, she’s fat’ commentary.

Almost like the ‘eeek! How horribly thin is she’, followed a week later with a ‘eeeek! How horribly fat is she’ in Heat magazine.

Anyhoo. The woman from the telly is too thin (and looks frozen) whereas Helen:

[Susan] “Helen looks the better for carrying more weight since she had the baby”

Correction fluid?

What is this outbreak of rudery (Jazzer re mantelpieces the other day) and *snort* suggestions?

Was that really correction fluid on Lynda’s jacket?

I hope so. The alternative is too awful to contemplate.



Susan and Clarrie chat to Camilla

After much cheering, flag waving and Susan reckoning Camilla looked in her direction – Clarrie and Susan then get to actually speak to Camilla!

Actually, they even shook her hand!!!

My. Giddy. Aunt.

And wasn’t Lynda overjoyed for them …



Poor old Lyndee, stuck in the lavatory

[Lynda] “You? The Duchess spoke to you? I’m afraid I was elsewhere when the Duchess came through reception … I was infact in the ladies when the Duchess arrived … it was a bitter blow, I’m afraid … I’m afraid I’ve missed my moment”

Ah – that explains Lord Netherborne

His osteoporosis gave Caroline and Camilla something to chat about.

[Camilla] “Poor man. Not many people realise that man are affected by it as well as women,. Is he in a lot of pain?”

And poor chap for having to have a fall just so Caroline could make small talk to Royalty.



Too slow for Charles?

[Caroline – still talking about Lord Netherborne] “His recovery is quite slow … to slow for him anyway

[Camilla] “I know the feeling …”

Did I hear that right?

Could that have been a comment on Camilla being impatient about Charles’ lack of crown?

Surely not?


So – she laughed, and liked the shortbread

Camilla did seem a nice sort, and was very nice to Ambridge’s nicest resident – Mr Ian Craig.

What was Ian’s problem with meeting Camilla, after she had especially asked for him?

Just nerves?

[Caroline] “She’s lovely. It’s just like talking to anyone else”

Caroline manages to persuade him to say help, which he does. Even though it was a tad excruciating hearing Ian bow so low that he must have scraped his forehead on the floor.

Still – Camilla did make a very apt comment when asking Ian how he wound up in Ambridge:

[Camilla] “Ambridge got its hooks into you … I imagine that happens to a lot of people”

Indeed Camilla. If only you know how very true that is for some of us. There’s a whole gaggle of Ambridge-widowers out there.


I refuse to even comment on Kenton and Jolene anymore

I can’t actually not – but must be firm that it annoys me that I have to.

I am hereby deciding that Jolene and Kenton are not going to get it on – and that I will not play along with the ‘will they, won’t they’ shenanigans.

Well … at least until they actually get interesting again .


Camilla should have stopped

Lynda is beyond consolation at missing her moment with Royalty:

[Lynda] “What have I got to look forward to? A bike ride home in the cold and dark followed by the parish council meeting”

And then her chain falls off.

But what’s this?

The sound of a car.

It slows down.

Lynda exclaims: “Oh! Your Royal Highness”

And then …

… the car carries on.

So Camilla sees Lynda struggling (in the cold and dark) with her bike, but doesn’t instruct her driver to give her some help.

I think that’s rather rude.

I’d have stopped. And I don’t even have a driver to do all the ,mucky work.

Still – mustn’t grumble – as Lynda was delighted.

[Lynda] “… I got the most charming wave and smile in return”

Her bubble can’t even be burst by Kenton and Jolene pointing out that she has oil on her face,

[Lynda] “Oh anyway. What does it matter. My own personal wave. There’s no-one else in Ambridge who can claim that!”

That’s kinda sweet, I suppose.


“Has anyone seen Oliver?”

Asks Caroline.

He was seemingly around yesterday, and is in the kitchen today, but we haven’t heard from him for many a month.

Suspicious …

The Archers Wed 2nd Feb 2011: A Royal visit

• Henry has big blue eyes and is putting on weight
• “It’s a question of priorities, David”
• The Duchess of Cornwall
• I still don’t get Lord Netherbourne
• Ian’s Gordon Ramsay impression

Henry has big blue eyes and is putting on weight

A very proud Ian is showing off his phone pictures of Henry to Lynda.

The wee man seems to be doing just grand.



“It’s a question of priorities, David”

While David might be better at operating the grabber, Ruth is sounding increasingly frustrated at his lack of care and attention for Brookfield, his wife and his kids.

David is being a tad confusing at the moment – in one breath he says he can’t promise to take Pip on her final driving lesson (although he already did promise), but in the next he tells Brian his services are no longer required at Brookfield.

David reckons all well in hand at Lower Loxley, so the extra help isn’t needed.

Hmmm. I bet Ruth won’t agree with that.



The Duchess of Cornwall

Or Camilla, as Charlie probably calls her …

[Caroline] “On Wednesday the 16th, we are hosting a tea for the Borchester branch of the osteoporosis society, it’s their 25th anniversary … they’re going to be joined by their National President, her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cornwall”

[Ian] “You’re kidding me; we’re getting a royal visit, at Grey Gables!”

Which explains why Caroline was frantically ‘tarting up’.

And oh boy – does Ambridge loves its Royals!

Ian won’t do his famous shortbread (as he doesn’t want to seem competitive with Duchy Shortbread).

And Lynda is going to tread on anyone and everyone to make sure she gets to be within “two feet” of Camilla.

Lynda’s not merely delighted to be looking forward to welcoming royalty – she’s also relieved that her suspicion that Caroline was about to sell up proved to be unfounded.

[Lynda] “Never occurred to me for a moment that her reticence was a consequence not of a guilty secret, but of Royal protocol”

Of course, Royalty has visited Ambridge before, and probably caused just as much of a stir.

Wonder if there’ll be any students around that day …


I still don’t get Lord Netherbourne

So Lord Netherbourne has a connection to Camilla – he has osteoporosis (so a charity connection) – and he’s a lord.

Is that why his fall was mentioned a few months back?

Surely more to come???




Ian’s Gordon Ramsay impression

Did you catch Ian doing his shouting Chef routine while talking to Lynda about the Royal visit?

Bless. He still sounds quite nice, even when he’s bossy.

The Archers Tues 16th Nov 2010: Race Night

The Archers: Eddie and Jazzer on a mission … Caroline’s on the bar … Nathan’s on a ‘good’ bet

• Eddie and Jazzer are looking for a patsy
• How Race Night works
• Lilian clears glue from her head with wine
• Again with the Lord Netherborne
• Tony baulks at £7
• Matt doesn’t do toy town betting
• Good Heavens Mr Booth!
• “Do you trust me enough to do a real good turn?”
• I don’t like Harry being at Peggy’s
• Shires comes in bottles!
• Nathan leaves £150 lighter

Eddie and Jazzer are looking for a patsy

At the Race Night, Eddie and Jazzer realise that they need someone to bid against Nathan in the last race, to be sure he loses a hefty price.

Jazzer can’t do it:

“He knows I only flash the cash when I have a bird to impress”

Tony then walks past, but Jazzer reckons:

“We need someone who chucks money about like sweeties”

And then Lilian pops by.

Lilian would make a perfect patsy (I’ve allowed thought of her as a bit of an Ad Fab Patsy anyway!).



How Race Night works

You bet on a horse to win, then a recording of a race is shown. Only the winning horse pays out.

In the last race, you have to pick the ‘winner of winners’. Which is where the skill (and the biggest bidding) happens. And where you have to bid against everyone else to have the right to that one horse.


Lilian clears glue from her head with wine

The cloakroom seeming “reeks of glue” after the Brownies had been making ‘stuff’ in there.

[Lilian] “I’m surprised all of them aren't as high as kites”

[Jim] “Explains a lot about Molly Button”

Tee-hee!


Again with the Lord Netherborne

Caroline’s manning the bar at the Race Night. And is asked about Lord Netherborne’s health.

He’s seemingly still not back to fighting fit, but at least he has someone living in to care from him, plus his two daughters are around.

Two daughters?

That blows my idea of Caroline inheriting if Lord Netherborne doesn’t make it through winter.

So, what’s the point?

Netherborne is most definitely a Peregrine …



Tony baulks at £7

What on earth is wrong with Tony?

First he accepts all of Tom’s new spending without much fight.

Now he’s paying for drinks.

Still, he did nearly have a heart attack when he was charged £7 for two glasses of wine.

Just how long has it been since Tony was in a pub?

Maybe The Bull has reasonable prices, as it certainly seemed £7 was considered a lot (but it was for charity)



Matt doesn’t do toy town betting

And Helen’s too big for crowds.

[Tony] “I certainly don’t want to see Helen down here … It’s not just her seize . .her knee is playing up badly”

Helen was seemingly “battling on as usual” by still being at work, rather than relaxing and taking the stress of her knee.

For goodness sake. Will someone please drag that woman back home, and lock her up for at least a few days?

It will save is all a lot of bother later on …


Good Heavens Mr Booth!

Nathan really didn’t make an effort with his fellow charity gamblers.

First he turns up in

[Caroline] “A lounge suit with an orange Hawaiian shirt”

“It should be illegal”

[Tony] “He thinks he’s in that film … Ocean’s 11”

[Caroline] “A very low rent version!”

Then Caroline notices him winking at Eddie (for which he has to remove his sunglasses – which he is wearing indoors – during winter …)

Eddie did seem to cover that quite well by saying that Nathan must have been winking at Sabrina:

“He’s developed quite a crush on her ,,, she tried her cat costume on at rehearsal – he hasn’t been the same since”

But has also served to start a rumour that Nathan has a case of “unrequited love”. Just wait until Richard hears about that.

But there’s more …

[Caroline] “Oh … does he imagine that looks sophisticated, waggling his mirrored shades instead of condescending to speak”

[Jazzer] “You mean he’s no irresistible to women?”

[Caroline] “The scales fell from my eyes when he called me babe when ordering his snakebite”

Phew!

By the end of such roguish behaviour by Mr Booth, I was quite glad he won horse number 7 …


“Do you trust me enough to do a real good turn?”

Asked Eddie of Lilian, also adding “no questions”

“Eddie, Eddie … how long have we known each other … you must realise I don’t trust you an inch by now!”

Replies Lilian. But then guffawing, and saying:

“So what can I do for you, darling?”

I don’t like Harry being at Peggy’s

My, how the tide turns!

I was one of Harry’s many adoring fans, but not would trust him less than I’d trust Eddie if he also asked me a favour with “no questions”.

At Peggy’s to help out with a laptop problem (he didn’t want Peggy to have to lug it anywhere – which begs the questions why Peggy has a laptop instead of a desktop), it all just seemed a bit odd and sinister.

Harry even ingratiated himself with Bill and Ben – as if we ever needed any more evidence that the man is probably a serial killer!

Peggy was worried by the safety warnings her laptop was giving her when she tried to open attachments from Con. So Harry explains that Peggy was right to be worried about attachments, but that ones from senders you know are okay,

Harry then takes Peggy to Florida (via what sounded like Google Earth), showing Peggy how to virtually stalk Con and his family!

I’m not happy with Harry at all. I was half expecting him to either proposition Peggy (eeeek!), or to be found riffling through her underwear drawer for spare cash (double eeeek!).

Do I also sense a trip ahoy for Peggy?



Shires comes in bottles!

Thrice hurrah!

I shall try and buy some online right now, making sure that I also get the Shires Winter Special that Eddie was talking about.




Nathan leaves £150 lighter

After a bidding war between Nathan, Lilian and Tony

(seriously – why is Tony being so generous with money at the moment?),

Lilian manages to hold her nerve to push Nathan up to bidding £150 for the wrong horse (unbeknownst to him).

Of course, it’s all fixed against him, and Nathan loses.

“The horror on his face!”

Jazzer even managed to ,lighten Nathan of another £20 on a side bet!

What’s more, Nathan even has to leave without having a chance to punch Eddie.

Nathan can’t admit that Eddie’s fooled him (as he'd also have to admit that he was trying to diddle a charity event), and Eddie managed to stick to Alan and Jim until Nathan left.

All very jolly, and all in a good cause.

Well … that was until Jazzer reminded Eddie that he’d have to rehearse with Nathan on Thursday for the Panto.

And Nathan is “going to be raging”

The Archers Wed 10th Nov 2010: Fallon IS going to the Ball!

The Archers: Caroline’s uncle is still on the mend … Brian’s avoidance plans … Peggy’s cats are playing up …

• “I suppose we were really stretched last year with orphans”
• Lord Netherborne – a bit of a Peregrine
• Brian’s using whisky to escape
• Naughty Bill
• Des Penwell
• Con still excites Peggy
• Valda doesn’t solve anything
• What’s this about a “dark corner”?
• Does Jill disapprove?
• “The theatrical equivalent of The Titanic”

“I suppose we were really stretched last year with orphans”

The harsh reality of sheep farming, courtesy of Adam.

“You don’t want too much tangle round the pens”

“Now, are you ready to go flying up to the roof?”

The harsh reality of Adam’s arming life, courtesy of Brian.




Lord Netherborne – a bit of a Peregrine

Well, not really.

It’s just that it was mentioned yet again that Caroline still has to look after her uncle.

Like the Peregrines were often mentioned without any obvious point – then become a ‘hot’, contentious issue – Lord Netherborne being poorly keeps cropping up.

Watch this space …


Brian’s using whisky to escape

And what’s really bad, is that he’s using booze to escape his own son’s birthday party!

Ian’s going to entertain as the great … something or other (did anyone catch that?). I’m assuming it’s a magic show.

But Brian is only going to:

“show willing where he has to”

Poor wee Ruairi.

His mum’s dead.

He dad would prefer alcohol to being at his party.

And even his step-brother-by-marriage is going to try and join Brian.

At least he’s got Jennifer and Kate making a fuss over him.

Actually. Scratch that. It’d probably be better if he was just utterly neglected.


Naughty Bill

Not sure why Peggy’s cats are being so hyper. She’s had to resort to locking them in the kitchen when she has guests over. Especially Bill.

The other day, Bill was clamouring all over Pat. And today he manages to break free of the kitchen to annoy Jill and Peggy.

Something in the air, or too much catnip?



Des Penwell

Is talking on Sunday, at the church, about his experiences in Afghanistan.


Con still excites Peggy

After all those years, and after she received his email on Saturday, Peggy is still giddy as a schoolgirl about Con.

But Jill doesn’t seem at all impressed (now there’s a surprise – Jill just can’t seem to muster any joy for anything which isn’t spot on ‘the norm’).



Valda doesn’t solve anything

[Lynda] “Strictly between you and me, she doesn’t thrive in the pressure cooker of pantomime – I always felt she never really made the grade in snow white”

So if Valda, Vicky and Sabrina aren’t up to playing Alice Fitzwilliam, just who is?

[Lynda] “Fallon and her sadly underused talent”

So while Hayley “does wonders with our little rats”, Phoebe show her artistic talents in designing the posters, Lynda is left to bemoan the lack of Fallon as her Alice.

At least Harry sorted Idle Jack.

Giving Lynda a “marvellous surprise” by turning up with Jazzer in tow, Lynda is utterly oblivious to (surely what must have bee) Jazzer’s utter reluctance.

[Lynda] “Whatever false modesty was holding him back, he’s over it now … very bashful … mumbled so much I had to make him repeat himself … I intimated him slightly …”

Lynda thought she’s ‘intimidated’ Jazzer because, when she suggested Harry’s idea of:

“Idle Jock, a comic Scotsman complete with mischievous kilt and a ginger wig”

Jazzer’s distaste was read by Lynda as

“Apparently it was a step too for his confidence … he gave me quite a look!”

I do adore our Lyndee, but she really doesn’t pick up on anything other than that she wants to see.

Harry has forced Jazzer to be in the Panto, but the line has been drawn through the concept of Idle Jock.

“Idle Jack remains … and I’m hoping to persuade him to sing”

Well, that’s great news.

Jazzer’s singing at Ambridge Has Talent was lovely, so I’ll look forward to hearing him again.


What’s this about a “dark corner”?

Am I missing something?

That was the second mention by Peggy that she has a dark corner.

Has the bulb blown?

Curtain can’t be pulled back?

What?

Whatever it is, Peggy needs someone to fix it for her.

She thinks it would be hard to find “someone for such a small job”, and doesn’t want to ask her family.

“Phil used to do that”

Said Jill, bring the conversation well and truly back to her.

I shouldn’t really be so harsh to Jill (even though she does ask for it sometimes), as it is going to be a tough first festive season without Phil.

But it felt like she was scoring points off of Peggy.

Jill’s one up because her husband is dead, whereas Peggy’s is still very much alive.

And then Jill behaves quite oddly about Peggy’s Con …


Does Jill disapprove?

It certainly seemed that way.

She wasn’t exactly glowing – or even happy for Peggy – when she read Con’s long letter as Peggy asked her to.

(and Peggy is quite right that a long email is just as good as a letter, though I still think the ‘ping’ of an email received isn’t quite like a non-bill thumping down on your doormat).

What’s wrong with Jill?

Can’t she see that Peggy has found a wee bit of harmless happiness?

So as Peggy (still in schoolgirl mode) dreamily talks about Florida and Ruby Throated Humming birds, all Jill found the effort to do was mention Jack.

Was that to bring Peggy back to reality with a bump?

Quite nasty, really.

[Peggy] “Living proof it’s never too late to develop an interest”

On yersel Peggy! Get it where you can …


“The theatrical equivalent of The Titanic”

Still stressing about the lack of a lady to lead as Alice, Lynda is getting desperate:

“If the worst comes to the worst … it’ll be the theatrical equivalent of the titanic … I might have to cast Sabrina”

Which everyone agrees would:

“Clear the hall … children and small animals crushed in the rush”

(I won’t even try to think why animals attend Ambridge’s Panto)

But then Lynda corners Fallon (after Clarrie planted the idea in her head the other day), and quite easily persuades her to prerecord Alice’s singing, to which Sabrina will mime.

Yet – it’s not over until Lyndee is utterly satisfied.

“What a better finish … you and Harry arm in arm … singing of love’s triumph”

Whether Fallon fell for the sheer joy of performing on a stage (any stage), or whether it was the mention of getting close to Harry that egged Fallon on, while she was most eager to do the pre-recordings, Fallon sounded even more keen to actually be in the Panto.

But there’s The Bull to run. And a rather wobbly Jolene to support.

So that’s that. Fallon can’t play love’s young dream because she has to keep home and hearth together.

But, what’s this …

[Jolene] “Maybe the challenge is just what I need … I want to try, love … just let me”

And there it is. Jolene finally steps up. Which means Fallon can live a little, by taking part in the village Panto.

My word – was Lynda nearly pornographic in her sheer delight at the news!

[Jolene] “I want to see my girl go to the ball”

[Lynda] “actually, technically that’s referring to another Panto”

(at which point Fallon or Jolene was heard to utter something very similar to ‘oh, shut up' though it was probably just ‘Lynda’)

[Lynda] “Oh what the heck … well done Fallon! you are coming to the ball after all!!”

Huzzah! Lynda will finally cease her woes about finding an Alice. Fallon gets to have a life out of the pub (and possibly get closer to Harry … though he does strike me as a rather sexless chap). And Jolene gets to see if she can really cope.

Trebles all round!

The Archers Fri 5th Nov 2010: Bonfire Night

The Archers: Caroline gets a cold back at bonfires … Kenton isn’t having any luck … Jolene’s up and down … Sabrina can’t play the part

• Bit of a damp squib
• Caroline’s back in the thick of it
• A double-dip-depression for Jolene?
• Helen is playing with pool boys …
• Aren’t we ever going to hear from Reece?
• Harry likes it safe
• Kathy and Kenton avoid each other
• Jamie avoids Kenton
• Sabrina reads Alice
• “You stick around Kenton archer – you’ll get plenty of chances to pay me back”

Bit of a damp squib

(and that’s the first time I’ve used that phrase in near perfect context! Maybe because I only learnt that it wasn’t ‘squid’ just a few months ago …)

I thought that Ambridge’s bonfire night was a very dull event indeed.

Maybe that was inevitable due to thoughts of Sid, but it definitely did not go off with a ‘bang’.



Caroline’s back in the thick of it

Nice to Caroline back (well, at least talking).

Her Uncle (Lord Netherborne) still isn’t in good shape, though it sounds like his pride is more hurt than his body.

I do wonder where all of this is going.

Is Lord Netherborne about to pop his clogs and leave Caroline some treasures?

Caroline has also managed to get herself tasked with getting more sponsorship for the Race Evening (with Grey Gables already sponsoring one of the races). And she’s having to chase Jolene for the catering.



A double-dip-depression for Jolene?

As Caroline was chasing Jolene for a quote (for the Race Evening), Jolene did sound rather vacant again.

She did perk up later, when Bonfire night was in full swing, but once again dipped when she needed to go upstairs (while forgetting half of Caroline’s order to Fallon).
Yet, Jolene sounded a bit sad, but not morose, when she was later talking to Kenton about how she was feeling.

Up and down. Down. Up. Slightly down. Slightly up.

I just hope the Up phases become more and more regular.

Kenton nailed it when he said:

“The first year is twelve months of firsts”

And Jolene did have a point that she is having to mourn in public.

Bets on for Jolene having a sad or happy Christmas day?


Helen is playing with pool boys …

I know. Caroline meant ‘buoys’ rather than boys, but I couldn’t resist.

After hurting her knee, Helen has decamped from the gym to Grey Gables to take up swimming.
And yet again – Helen’s not taking it gently.

Despite Caroline reckoning that:

“being pregnant suits Helen”,

Caroline was also telling Kathy that Helen was in the pool with

“hand paddles and floats and pool buoys … you’d think she was in training for a competition!”

As Kathy then said:

“Helen doesn’t do anything by half”

I’ve said it before, but Pat is quite right to be worried. For both Helen and her baby’s sake.


Aren’t we ever going to hear from Rhys?

I feel quite sorry for that Rhys.

He’s seemingly “quite a find” and is “really keen”, but yet he’s not allowed to talk.


Harry likes it safe

Course he does. Would we expect Harry to want a wild and dangerous time – even if was just a few sparklers being waved with jolly abandon?

Nope. He much prefers all health and safety boxes to be ticked.

Slow and steady wins the race?

Question is, what race is Harry in?


Kathy and Kenton avoid each other

Phew!

When I heard Kathy at the Bonfire night, it gave me a deep concern that she and Kenton would resume shouting.

But hurrah! They completely ignored each other.

Marvellous.

I have been worried that Kenton’s recent burst of helpfulness had something to do with wanting to impress Kathy, but now I think it’s Jamie he wants to impress.

And he sounded sincere when he said:

“Grown apart and split … that must have been because the cracks were there from the beginning … we were like chalk and cheese”

Phew. Glad that’s all over!


Jamie avoids Kenton

I still think it’s too little from Kenton – but I do feel a bit sorry for him.

Jamie can’t stand for Kenton to even talk to him at the moment. He dropped all enthusiasm for the fireworks when Kenton came over, and rushed away the second he spotted his mates.

(by-the-by, is it a good idea for Jamie to still be hanging around with Marty? I suppose there’s not a lot Kathy could do to really stop him).

Even Kenton mentioning that:

“Josh recommends the cinder toffee”

Didn’t get Jamie’s attention.

On chatting to Jolene later on, Kenton says that he’s determined to not give up on Jamie:

“My biggest regret is Jamie – I don’t think he wants anything to do with me … this time, it was because life got in the way … I want to be a positive presence in his life”

(so I assume Kenton is feeling that he’s not going to let Jamie be another Meriel)



Sabrina reads Alice

Which neither Sabrina nor the rest of the cast were happy about.

When it got to the singing bit, Sabrina sounded like:

“A chicken being put through a mangle”

Come on Fallon. Get in there!

You can sing, and you’ll get to be Harry’s love interest. If only when he’s acting …



“You stick around Kenton archer – you’ll get plenty of chances to pay me back”

What on earth did Jolene mean by that?

Answers on the back of a beer mat, please.

The Archers Wed 3rd Nov 2010: Lynda runs out of ideas!

The Archers: ‘customer service representatives’ of the world unite … Mike gets railroaded … Pat and Kathy go shopping .. Tony is still in a grump … Helen has twisted her knee … Shula doesn’t approve

• “The bare faced cheek of some people”
• Mike is still saying no
• Tony doesn’t have a pre-cooler
• Helen needs to realign her knee cap
• Lord Netherborne has had a fall
• Jim and Shula disagree yet again
• Mike say yes!
• “Cherry red suits either a boy or a girl”
• Ambridge has to be shamed into buying poppies
• Actually, Pat is right to be worried
• “Could bring those two giggly girls from Grand Spinney”

[Lynda] “The bare faced cheek of some people”

[Vicky] “Some people want bells on it, don’t they!”

[Lynda] “She’s the type that takes all the toiletries home”

And there, my friends, speaks the true voice of those of us who have to work with customers.

It’s also true with waiters.

Never, ever, be anything other than polite to them.


Mike is still saying no

And so is Kirsty.

But a determined Lynda sets Vicky back onto Mike again.

And we all know what happens when Vicky wants Mike to do something …




Tony doesn’t have a pre-cooler

Which he seemingly should have on his bulk tank. Which sounded like something to do with milking cows.

And of course, it’s all Tom’s fault.

Not because he forgot to buy a pre-cooler, or was in sole charge of the bulk tank – but because they’d never have noticed that they were bereft of a pre-cooler is Tom hadn’t been undertaking:

[Tony] “that blessed energy audit!”

Do we think Tony is transferring his anger/confusion/terror about Helen’s pregnancy onto Tom?


Helen needs to realign her knee cap

Ouch!

Penny Sansom (who looked at Helen’s knee, is seemingly very good, and does the same great job for the County’s cricket team) has confirmed that Helen’s knee is twisted.

Helen now has leg exercises to do,

But. To her absolute horror, she also has to give up step and aerobics.

Blimey.

Surely just carrying around that baby is enough? Maybe with a gentle stroll once in a while?!?


Lord Netherborne has had a fall

So Caroline has rushed off to nurse him.

Caroline and Oliver have been very quiet of late.

is that the call of inheritance …???



Jim and Shula disagree yet again

On the subject of Lord Netherborne,

“I hope he fares better at the hands of his niece than I did with my daughter-in-law”

Jim still hasn’t forgiven Shula for her treatment of him when he broke his leg.

Those two are destined to forever rub each other up the wrong way.

Most of it was before my time – but I do know that Shula was the lady to like back in the day.

Did that really all end when Mark was killed?

Anyway, Shula is now the lady to disapprove of anything remotely a bit edgy. In fact, she disapproves of even the most seemingly innocuous things.

Shula doesn’t want to get involved with Jim’s Race Evening. Even though it was supposed to be in aid of St Stephen’s.

Jim reckons it’s because Shula disapproves of gambling at a charity event. But has Shula been back to Ste Stephen’s since she fell out with Alan over Usha’s religious statue?

But, Shula isn’t the only one to approve of gambling in aid of the church. So Jim has had to change it into a fundraiser for the British Legion. And the race evening is taking place mid-week, after the Brownies.

How completely inoffensive could it get?

Even then, Shula still not in favour. Maybe it doesn’t help that there’s a bar (which Vicky is most happy about).

[Jim] “The way some of her ilk have been going on – you’d think I’d suggested a barn dance in the graveyard”

At which, Lynda gives a sudden gasp.

It isn’t in horror at the thought of dancing on graves, it’s because she an idea which will make a certain man do her bidding …


Mike say yes

Oh, Mike said yes!

Poor man didn’t stand a chance.

When Lynda had her brainwave to include a dance number, he couldn’t say anything other than ‘yes’ to being in the panto.

I think we’d all do the same if we had Vicky snapping at our heels.

Mike could hardly refuse a dance with his (still fairly new) wife. And it is probably easier to give in when you actually have to live with Vicky.



“Cherry red suits either a boy or a girl”

So says Helen. So it must be so.

As Pat is out shopping with Kathy, she spots a baby jumpsuit for Helen’s baby.

Thank goodness at least one of Helen’s family is now genuinely happy for her, and excited about her baby.



Ambridge has to be shamed into buying poppies

What on earth? How very dare Ambridge not behave and do exactly as a respectable English village should.

Go on Jim. Put those poppies next to the till in the Village Shop. Shame them all!


Actually, Pat is right to be worried

I thought Pat might have just been being hyper-sensitive to Helen and her eating habits because it is Helen … and eating.

But, I think she might have a point.

Helen is utterly obsessed with calories and exercise.

She wouldn’t entertain a jacket potato to go with her stir fry ( a stir fry she’d already made and eaten for lunch, didn’t finish, and was going to reheat again for her tea).

And because she can’t do all the exercise she wants to (due to her twisted ankle), Helen reckons:

“I’ll have to eat less now that I’m not burning off the calories”

Now that is worrying.

It would seem that as Helen’s baby is growing inside her body, she’s doing her best to minimise her body growing.

That can’t be good for either mum or baby.




“Could bring those two giggly girls from Grand Spinney”

Lynda is getting desperate for her leading ladies.

In her desperation, she even suggests to Vicky that she could:

“Cut the songs and offer the part to Sabrina”

[Vicky] “You’d have a mutiny on your hands!”

Apart from it being Sabrina that would cause the mutiny, Vicky quite rightly asks:

“What sort of panto would it be if the main character didn't sing?”

Dismissing Vicky’s suggestion that Sabrina could just mime, Lynda realises that she’s fast running out of options.

However, despite her desperation, Lynda simply won’t audition “unknowns”.

The very idea! How would we cope with folks we don’t know being in the panto? I mean, there could even be ones not from Ambridge.

The very idea!

Lynda also cuts down her options by also ruling out offering parts to Felpersham Light Opera Society.

That would offend Tristran Hawkshaw. Who both Lynda and Vicky agree is:

“Larry Lovell’s’ mini me”

(eh? Who he???)

Fallon is also not an option as she has so much to deal with (damn it! I have £10 on her)

“I’m usually such a creative problem solver, but I really have run out of ideas”

Oh, the gods do weep.

Come on Lyndee!