Ambridge Extra Thursday 9th August 2012
- The morning after the night before (Fallon’s tale)
- The morning after the night before (Kirsty’s tale)
- Jazzer’s never heard of “Bi”
- Harry’s theory of bisexuality
- Jazzer really does love Fallon
- Grant really does love Harry
- No more Milkman Harry?
The morning after the night before (Fallon’s tale)
Fallon wakes up next to Jazzer …
[Fallon] “Oh, Jazzer. Jazzer! Oh god!”
Fallon tries to make a run for it back up to the cottage (they’re still in the van). Jazzer wants to accompany her, but she claims she’s feeling a bit rough.
[Jazzer] “Oh dear, heid banging?”
[Fallon] “I think I’m going to be made to suffer today …”
[Jazzer] “Are you sure you don’t want me to hold your hair back for you?”
Oh dear.
Doesn’t sound like Fallon’s night of passion with Jazzer has made her very happy …
The morning after the night before (Kirsty’s tale)
As Fallon rushes into the cottage, she bumps into Kirsty.
Who slept on the couch. Fallon’s quite surprised. She thought Kirsty would be in the one bedroom with at least one of the chaps.
[Kirsty] “Making a complete fool of myself more like. There I was, laying out the goods for Grant … it wasn’t me he was interested in at all.”
Just then, Harry and Grant come downstairs, naked.
(they rush back up when they realise Fallon and Kirsty were there – though why they thought everyone would be outside at the van, I don’t know)
[Kirsty] “Need any more explanations … I realised I was surplus to requirements.”
[Fallon] “But Harry, he’s …”
[Kirsty] “Apparently not. or at least not entirely. I spent the entire evening flaunting myself like a desperate drunken gooseberry.”
Oh dear.
Kirsty also isn’t feeling very happy after harry and Grant’s night of passion.
Jazzer’s never heard of “Bi”
How?
I thought Jazzer was a proper man about town.
[Jazzer] “No no, this is some sort of wind up. You’ve all got together and though let’s have a good laugh at Jazzer and make him believe Harry and his mate are a pair of …”
[Kirsty] “It’s true.”
[Jazzer] “You mean he plays for the other team? … I’m no buying it. Look at Zofia, he was head over heels.”
[Kirsty] “It is possible he’s bi.”
[Jazzer] “Bi?”
[Kirsty] “Bisexual.”
[Jazzer] “But I share a flat with the guy, I rob his shower gel. What if he’s been …”
[Kirsty] “By the look of Grant, you’re not exactly his type.”
[Jazzer, offended] “What do you mean?”
Jazzer soon calmed down when he was brought a full English:
[Grant] “I’ve cooked loads, so if you fancy an extra sausage …”
[Jazzer] “I’m fine.”
Oh ho!
Thought I’d stumbled into a Carry On for a moment there.
Harry’s theory of bisexuality
We always knew there was something about Harry. Not necessarily odd. Just something he wasn’t telling us.
Well, there we are.
[Harry] “If anything, I’m 60:40 … come on, don’t tell me you’ve never looked at another woman and though ‘phworagh’ ?”
[Fallon] “I guess. Occasionally.”
[Harry] “So you’re what, 95: 5.”
Harry tells Fallon that Grant’s the man for him. Well, at least he hasn’t met another man that’s interested him as much. Grant is, Harry says, 0:100 (gay).
Jazzer really does love Fallon
When Kirsty spotted that neither Fallon nor Jazzer looked like they’d had much sleep, Fallon made some excuse about them both falling asleep by 11pm.
Jazzer gets up and leaves to go check on the van. He says he’s hungry, but obviously needs to get his head round the fact that Fallon obviously doesn’t want anyone to know what’s happened between them.
Fallon goes after him to apologise.
[Fallon] “It was all just a bit mad, I’d had a few, I’d gone on a downer …”
[Jazzer] “I wish you’d stop fretting. I know it was only a one night thing.”
[Fallon] “But I don’t want you to think I took advantage.”
[Jazzer] “I cannae change the way I feel about you, last night’s gonnae rank up there as one of the best nights of my life … if one night’s all I’m gonnae get, well then I’m already a luckier man than I ever thought I would be. I’d much rather we’d stay good friends.”
So – Fallon knows Jazzer loves her. Jazzer admits he loves her. Fallon knows last night was a HUGE deal for him, but she doesn’t feel the same way for him as he does for her. Though, right here and now, she wishes she could.
[Jazzer] “I still showed you a good time, didn’t ah … it’s our secret. I promise. I won’t breathe a word.”
It’s not often Jazzer promises something and I believe him. This time I do.
Harry really does love Grant
Kirsty had a point when she said Harry dropping back into Grant’s life was the most romantic thing she’d ever heard.
Imagine. You’re quietly sat in your wee cottage, in the back of beyond, and the great love of your life just happens to pop by.
[Kirsty] “At least someone got what they wanted last night.”
Grant and Harry take a wee walk with the dog, to have a chat.
Grant tells Harry that there also hasn’t been a man since him. Just a few “near misses”.
[Grant] “Losing you, was the worst mistake I ever made.”
Seems Grant dumped Harry. He could handle Harry around women – felt he couldn’t compete. He knows know that it doesn’t work like that.
[Grant] “If we were together now, it would be so much different.”
No more Milkman Harry?
As Jazzer gets the van ready to try and make it to Edinburgh:
[Jazzer] “Of course, I’m no some ponce you doesn’t know his spark plugs fae his spare wheel, I mean, no that you …”
[Grant] “Isn’t the spare wheel the one you drive with Harry?”
[Harry] “Oh no no, that’s the gear stick!”
Kirsty tells Grant to come see them in Ambridge, but that rather depends on Harry …
[Jazzer] “Should have known when I seen they posters of cyclists on your wall. It wasnae just their wheel trims you were interested in.”
[Kirsty] “Filth! Just ignore him Harry.”
Harry tells them to stop driving.
[Harry] “I have to take this chance … if I don’t, I’ll only wonder what if …”
And he runs back to Grant.
Now, I don’t know if it was Harry’s love for Grant that made him make them stop the van, or the realisation that Jazzer is a numpty sometimes (!), but either which way p could that be Harry gone from Ambridge?
Ambridge Extra Thursday 2nd August 2012
- Lager or cushions?
- Fallon does indeed have dishonourable intentions
- Phoebe noticed where Ruairi came from
- And Kirsty makes four
Lager or cushions?
Jazzer wants to take crates of booze, and spirits, with them in their teeny tiny van because he doesn’t want to pay Edinburgh prices.
(ahem … I seem to recall The Bull is none too cheap neither!)
Harry’s packed more practically. Jazzer is not impressed.
[Jazzer] “We’re going to Scotland, not trekking across outer Mongolia. And why have you got cushions?”
[Harry] “To make the van comfortable. I brought fairy lights as well.”
[Jazzer] “Fairy lights! Oh gaes us a break!”
[Harry] “Well, we need to be able to see at night.”
[Jazzer] “I’m sorry pal, but there’s no room. We need to make space for the beer … We don’t need your scatter cushions!”
When Harry tries to take half of Jazzer’s beer out of the van:
[Jazzer] “It's a road trip, you Jessie, the whole point is to get bladdered!”
(is it just me, or is Jazzer being a tad more macho, and verging more and more on homophobic, these days. Over compensating?)
But Fallon loves Harry’s fairy lights. Doesn’t seem to make her think he’s less of a man.
[Harry] “I had made a kind of bunkette.”
[Jazzer] “Bunkette! … I suppose you’ll be wanting a hammock and some joss sticks an a … it’s worse than when he’s poncing about the flat.”
Fallon leaves them to it.
Fallon does indeed have dishonourable intentions
[Fallon] “This trip was just meant to be me and Harry. There’s no chance Cupid will fire his arrow if Jazzer is standing in the way.”
Though it’s an anxious time.
Kenton hasn’t sorted out cover for Kirsty’s shifts, so she may not be able to come alone to distract Jazzer (not in ‘that’ way. Kirsty’s far too good for the likes of Jazzer!).
Phoebe noticed where Ruairi came from
Mike takes Phoebe fishing.
He’s doing a bit of fishing himself.
[Mike] “So, nothing else happened while you were over there, did it … you just seem a bit, well, you ain't your old self.”
[Phoebe] “You haven’t seen me for a year … really granddad, I’m fine.”
After landing a fine brown trout (and putting it back rather than grilling it), Phoebe asks Mike if he still loves Betty.
[Phoebe] “You still really love nana, don’t you?”
[Mike] “Yeah, of course, just cause she ain’t here no more, don’t stop me remembering all those wonderful year we had to together. Why do you ask?”
[Phoebe] “Nothing. It’s nice …”
Phoebe’s been wondering what life would have been like if Roy and Kate had stayed together.
(oh the humanity!)
[Phoebe] “It’s like people say they’ll always loved each other … even granny and granddad haven’t always loved each other. Granddad had Ruairi with another woman. I bet granny never wanted to bring up a little boy at her age.”
[Mike] “No, but they’re all right now ain't they?”
[Phoebe] “I just don’t understand why people have to lie to each other, especially the people they’re supposed to care about the most.”
Mike tells her about relationships being about downs as well as ups. That things can happen when not expected. Mistakes. Folks lie to avoid hurting other folks.
[Mike] “You never know what life's going to throw at you.”
(indeed. Like a baby)
And Kirsty makes four
Though Jazzer only got to go on the trip to Edinburgh as the mechanic, the van’s broken again.
Though he does get it working, it sounds quite dodgy indeed.
[Jazzer] “What was that, thank you Jazzer, you’re my hero, ah, you are welcome!”
(I think Fallon was half wishing the van wouldn’t start, Kirsty still hadn’t shown up)
Jazzer’s happy enough, though.
[Jazzer] “Spend all day getting blootered, then pass out in the space I’ve cleared!”
Just as they’re about to get on the road, Kirsty turns up.
[Jazzer] “Ach, she’s only wee, the mair the merrier!”
So it’s boys in the back, girls in the front. That way that can chat amongst themselves …
[Fallon] “We might even get to see harry without his cycling shorts on!”
[Kirsty] “Speak for yourself K!”
While the boys:
[Jazzer] “Well that’s double our chances. We’ve got one each now.”
[Harry] “Oh don’t be foul!”
Jazzer reckons Harry needs to get over Zofia. Harry won’t share his cushions (now that Jazzer is in the van, he’s realised how uncomfortable it is).
And with that, they’re off!
[Jazzer] “I’ll show you what a civilised country looks like.”
The Archers Tuesday 24th July 2012
- Kenton just wanted to read the papers
- Did Jolene sound odd to you?
- The Flame bearers
- To visit Edinburgh, ones needs a Glaswegian
- The actors have arrived
- The Bull’s team gets a head start
- How did that sound like Wuthering Heights?
- Eddie’s special burger
Kenton just wanted to read the papers
It’s Kenton’s day off. He wants to “chillax” with a newspaper.
Jolene reckons Jill’s actually doing on the work.
[Jolene] “Come on Kenton, time to get your act together!”
Just as Kenton is about to escape Lynda’s wittering about her actors, he’s nabbed by Fallon and Harry, who are keen to get practicing for the Fete games. And they need Kenton for that. Being the mentor and manager of The Bull’s team.
[Jazzer] “I wouldnae fight it pal.”
Jolene even had Kenton’s training kit washed and ironed.
After the training:
[Kenton] “Right, that’s it. I’m off to chillax with the paper.”
But, just as Kenton’s about to head off to “wine, Miles Davis and the paper”, Wayne phones to talk to Jolene. So, Jolene needs Kenton to look after the bar.
But Kenton really isn’t that bothered. He’s looking forward to his forthcoming trip to New Zealand.
(when is that happening? And what did Wayne want?)
Did Jolene sound odd to you?
She did so to me.
Slightly clearer in tone.
Odd.
The Flame bearers
At the ‘Ambridge games’ will be Amy Franks, Alice Carter, Milly Button and Christine.
[Lynda] “And I was wondering about Hilary Noakes … she’s volunteered.”
Sounds ominous.
To visit Edinburgh, ones needs a Glaswegian
Jazzer’s sense of logic considers to stagger.
[Jazzer] “The thing about Edinburgh is, you’ve got to watch your back. We Glaswegians, we have the bad reputation, but we know better you see … you could do with someone with local knowledge along wae you.”
[Harry] “Jazzer, it’s an internationally famous event. It’s just full of people out to get rich cultural experiences.”
[Jazzer] “That’s exactly my point, you could get fleeced if you don’t know you don’t know your way aboot … and what about the cafs, you could end up spending a fortune.”
Harry reckons they’ll just take food back to the van. Jazzer changes tact:
[Jazzer] “That’s daft, You’d be missing out big time … Look at me as your local tour adviser, dedicated to enhancing your holiday experience.”
But of course, we all know Jazzer’s real reason for wanting to go. He’s worried Harry and Fallon will (finally) become an item.
Jazzer fancies Fallon. Fallon fancies Harry. Harry seemed to fancy Fallon, but then (without a word of explanation) went off her.
When Harry and Fallon are out of earshot, Jazzer asks Jolene which of them had the idea to go to Edinburgh (if it’s Harry, he can punch him. Fallon’s, he’ll weep).
[Jazzer] “I wouldn't have thought it would hae been Harry’s. Not enough sweat and lycra involved.”
Jolene can’t help but be a bit wicked. She tells Jazzer just how small the camper van is. Especially with two sleeping in there …
But it’s all academic.
Jazzer can’t go, as Mike can’t have both Jazzer and Harry off the milk round at the same time.
The actors have arrived
What a rare occurrence that is in The Archers …
Lynda’s acting troupe has arrived to practice their performance art.
[Lynda] “I don’t want to miss Seth’s proclamation … in touch with the unseen presences around us. Yes, I know it sounds strange … it’s a sort of deep thought, for example, beside the phone box, he asks us all to tune in to the myriad conversations that still hover round the air around it … it releases a huge amount of creativity.”
[Kenton] “What a bunch of nutters. I’m almost tempted to stay, but the armchair calls.”
The Bull’s team gets a head start
Which is a wee bit unfair. Fine for them to train, but with the event organiser (who also happens to be in their team) is a bit of a cheat.
Mind you, Harry and Fallon do seem to be plotting their approach quite cannily. They’ve also managed to sidestepped Jazzer being on their team:
[Jazzer] “They tried their best, but a man has his dignity.”
(aye, right then!)
Back to the training:
[Kenton] “Come on your two, you’ve meant to be caterpillars not slugs. Put your backs into it.”
[Harry] “Someone better tell him caterpillars don’t have backs!”
The training seemed to go well enough.
[Harry] “Finally cracked the caterpillar wriggle, it’s all in the hip action.”
How did that sound like Wuthering Heights?
At one point tonight, Lynda’s actors started playing music.
I thought it sounded like early bagpipes. Or medieval court music, at best.
Kenton thought different:
[Kenton] “Sounds like they’re remaking wuthering heights!”
Eh?
I didn’t realise Emily wrote a soundtrack as well.
And not even Kate Bush ever sounded that bad …
Once they were done making a racket, the actors seemed to disappear.
[Jolene] “Seth’s incantations created a black hole, and they’ve all been sucked in!”
Well nearly. Eddie managed to snag them off to his cider club.
The verdict on what the village has seen so far of the performance art?
[Kenton] “Well they are a little bit, pretentious … no one in the village has the slightest idea of what they’re on about.”
[Lynda] “I do, I assure you. As would anyone who bothered to listen to what they have to say!”
(that’ll be just you so far then, Lynda)
Eddie’s special burger
Eddie strong-armed Kenton into trying one of his special burgers.
Kenton sounded a bit scared. But after he’d tasted a bit, he said it had flavour. That it was “quite nice”.
Eddie tells Kenton its wild boar.
Kenton’s impressed.
Until:
[Kenton] “Where did you get the meat?”
[Eddie] “Ah, lucky chance. Road kill.”
Kenton beats a hasty retreat.
The Archers Monday 23rd July 2012
- Tracey pulls her punches
- Fallon and Harry return to go to Edinburgh
- Even Susan thinks Emma’s lying
Tracey pulls her punches
She went for purely verbal assaults instead.
[Tracey] “You can knock some sense into that spiteful daughter of yours!”
Seems Keith is at home, near suicidal with depression.
[Susan] “I can’t bear it, my daughter against my brother, what can I do?”
[Tracey] “She’s mad!”
Tracey reckons everyone knows Keith is innocent.
[Tracey] “Everyone knows it expect that vindictive daughter of yours.”
When Tracey later goes round to see Emma, to tell her to stop lying.
[Tracey] “You’ve built up this great big fantasy, it’s you that needs locking up, not Keith … what a spiteful cow you are. Spiteful and malicious!”
Blimey. With an Aunt like that …
Fallon and Harry return to go to Edinburgh
How very odd.
We hadn’t heard from Harry nor Fallon for an age.
But up they pop today (right next to the secret microphones).
Harry’s bemoaning that everyone seems to have gone off on holiday. Though Fallon suggests he also heads off for a wee trip to the Milk Bottle Museum, he thinks he’ll just end up taking a holiday to watch the Olympics on telly.
Fallon’s next suggestion:
[Fallon] “A caravan in West super Mare and a bag full of 10 pence pieces, holiday sorted!”
Harry reckons he’s too skint to even afford that.
Then Fallon remembers she owns a camper van. Big enough for two …
[Harry] “Weston super Mare, here we come!”
Then they check what’s on:
[Harry] “Music and beer fest.”
[Fallon] “No thanks, potbellied blokes holding their pints up to the light … I get enough of that here.”
They want to go somewhere with life, music, culture … so they ask Kenton (!).
He suggest Edinburgh. He once went there with a mate:
[Kenton] “Yeah, and I think we left our mark!”
(he thankfully didn’t go into details)
So – they’ll be off to The Fringe. (The Fringe still strikes terror into my heart when it’s uttered … I survived 17 years of it as a local)
[Kenton] “Hmm Hmmm … you and Harry in a camper van, eh?”
Well spotted Kenton … Fallon might get her man after all!
Even Susan thinks Emma’s lying
After suffering the tirade from Tracey, Emma goes to tirade at Susan.
[Emma] “So, you still haven’t made up your mind, me or Keith?”
[Susan] “You can’t want Keith to go to prison love … It was someone who looked like Keith, maybe … I think you’ve built it up ... and now it’s a cast iron certainty … I know it’s a hard thing to admit, but can’t you accept the possibility that you could have got it wrong … it’s Keith’s future at stake … I’m sure in your heart you don’t want it to be him … the thing is, you’ve been wrong before … you swore blind that Ed was George’s father … you had us all going.”
[Emma] “This is nothing like that,. I saw him mum!”
[Susan] “You saw someone … maybe you just persuaded yourself it was Keith …”
Oh – Susan was cheeky to mention George’s paternity!
But she has a point.
Emma’s very good at convincing herself, then convincing everyone else …
