Pondering The Archers: cricket

Kenton’s aiding and abetting

Quite literally.

He’s taken a bet off of Jamie for today’s cricket match between Ambridge’s girls (with boys in the team) against St Mags.

Naughty.

Jamie’s being cocky

[Natalie] “Let’s not make out it’s going to be easy … it wouldn’t look great, would it, being beaten by females.”

[Jamie, firmly] “It’s not going to happen … I’m just the best.”

… and is a “champion welly wanger.”

[Natalie] “I wouldn’t say that out loud!”

Natalie wants them to practise for the Fete games, and take it seriously.

Though Jamie is confident not only about the welly wanging. He also reckons the caterpillar race will be easy enough as well.

He once did ten laps at a party!

Rosa REALLY likes Jamie

She turns up at the cricket match.

[Natalie] “Oh no!”

[Jamie] “She’s come to support us, what’s the problem?”

Um, that Rosa is a bit of a stalker? And openly flirts with you in front of your girlfriend.

That mini bus said it all

Natalie was startled that St Mags even had their own mini bus.

The dye was cast …

Elizabeth visits David

[Elizabeth] “Hello David. How are you?”

What a shocker! Elizabeth visiting David. Blimey.

Elizabeth was horrified at the mess the fire had made. It was even hot enough to have bent solid steel poles.

David told Elizabeth that Keith has been taken in, but released.

[Elizabeth] “Not another Clive, surely?”

(mind Clive burnt down Christine and George’s – while Christine and Jill were in there. David saved them)

[David] “It’s the idea that there’s someone out there,. Deliberately trying to hurt my children … it’s that’s the effect,. What the difference. It’s exactly the same outcome.”

Elizabeth offers for Josh and Ben to stay at Lower Loxley. David appreciates but politely declines. He wants his family to stay together.

(not necessarily the best thing for him to say to Elizabeth, considering …).

[Elizabeth] “David, what your doing can’t be easy. There must be a part of you who wants to walk away … don’t give up. One thing I’ve found when terrible things happen it’s best to carry on”

[David] “It gets better over time?”

[Elizabeth] “So I’m told”

Looks like that cold front is defrosting.

Jamie didn’t do well

Natalie’s not impressed with Jamie’s turn on the pitch. She thinks he’s taking too many risks.

Rosa does not concur.

[Rosa] “He just goes out there and enjoys himself. That’ the way to play cricket … I only know there’s too many old plodders in the Ambridge cricket team. They should get fined for boring the audience.”

[Natalie] “Crowd. It’s called a crowd … you’ve got to understand the game to appreciate it.”

After Jamie’s reckless does get him out:

[Natalie] “He only got a seven.”

[Rosa] “What a seven though!”

[Jamie] “She had her elbow bent … she never bowled it, she chucked it.”

[Natalie] “You played a stupid shot and misjudged it.”

So Jamie’s a bad loser, then. Wouldn’t have guessed that from his pre-match arrogance!

Lucy didn’t do well

I’ve no idea who Lucy is, but she went out on the first ball.

Jamie really is a shockingly bad sportsman

It was Natalie’s turn:

[Jamie] “Watch out for the blonder one. She’s got a very suspect delivery.”

[Rosa] “I don’t know what’s the matter with everything. It’s only a bunch of schoolgirls.”

[Jamie] “Who don’t even know the laws of cricket!”

[Alistair] “Jamie, let’s be a bit more sporting about it, shall we?”

Sounds like Natalie didn’t last long either.

[Jamie] “57 all out, how did that happen?”

(is that a bad score then?)

[Natalie] “Their spinners are unplayable … they had me fooled every time.”

Its St Mags’ turn to bat next.

When they got to 55:

[Rosa] “I hate to say this, but they’re going to do it. Come on Jamie!”

Jamie bowls a “bouncer”. Which seemingly isn’t a very nice thing to do.

[Alistair] “It’s not considered very sporting, not in a game like this.”

Next bowl, the St Mags lass hits a cracker. Which Alistair reckons serves him right.

And St Mags win!

[Jamie] “We were rubbish … I could have done a lot better if I'd been allowed to do my normal thing.”

[Natalie] “So you need to resort to intimidation just because you’re being beaten.”

[Jamie] “It’s trying to win, what’s wrong with that?”

[Rosa] “Nothing at all. It’s better than being a loser.”

Oops.

Rosa may be good for Jamie’s ego, but he’d better tread carefully. Natalie doesn’t sound like a young lady to put up with any nonsense.

Why can’t women play cricket?

Despite losing, Natalie really enjoyed the match.

Knowing that it will be near impossible to get another match for the girls anytime soon, Natalie asks Alistair why the girls can’t be considered for the full Ambridge cricket team.

[Natalie] “Everyone just assumes it. The cricket team has to be male.”

Alistair agrees. He’s never been asked about women playing before. He’s going to raise it at their next AGM.

[Natalie] “Maybe it's time Ambridge cricket got itself into the 21st century.”

Well, I can think of a fair few male players (and female spectators) who won’t agree.

Especially Neil.

Imagine how he’ll feel to be dropped, then replaced by girls!

Sunday, 8 July 2012

Amazonian girls’ cricket team: Fri 06.07.12

The Archers Friday 6th July 2012

Jennifer’s cropping
Debbie’s stressed
Public School agrees with Ruairi
Brookfield’s full again
Jennifer wants to party
What products has Susan to place?
George is wrecking Susan’s house
Jamie’s scared of girls
What did Jamie add to Kenton’s list?
David and Ruth finally agree

Jennifer’s cropping

[Jennifer] “Could you just be careful where you’re putting your feet, Brian!”

She need to get her courgettes in before they turn into marrows.

At mine, we have to gets ours in before the slugs have them!

Debbie’s stressed

So says Brian. Something to do with the Super Dairy.

It’s a real shame, but I could care less about Debbie these days. She’s turned into a right nasty, money focused person.

I thought she’d have been the last one to follow in Brian’s footsteps.

Public School agrees with Ruairi

So says Jennifer.

He’s trying lots of new foods (including ratatouille), and seems to be loving his time there.

[Jennifer] “He’s sounding, well, very confident.”

(I only hope his accent is also improving. Not that I want him to lose the Irish accent – just to lose the bizarre form of an Irish accent he seems to have developed).

Brookfield’s full again

Which both David and Ruth are happy about.

Jennifer wants to party

It would seem Ambridge is having good summer weather at the moment. Unlike the rest of us.

[Jennifer] “Everything smells so wonderful.”

So Jennifer wants to throw a family party. She wants to celebrate.

Course, Brian automatically thinks it’s to celebrate his success with the Super Dairy, and with managing to keep the BL Board in check.

Jennifer was more thinking about celebrating that Ruairi is home. That Phoebe will be home. And that Adam is still alive.

Though has Jennifer forgotten she’ll need to invite the Horrobins? They’re family as well. Mind you, she does have a wee special liking for Keith …

What products has Susan to place?

Susan has a wee go at Kenton for not being organised about the community games.

[Susan] “It is a bit difficult with people not knowing what they’re signing up for … Lynda’s steaming ahead.”

Seems Lynda’s infamous performance art will involve actors all over the village.

[Susan] “It might be an opportunity for some product placements.”

Eh?

What’s Susan got to place?

Unless she’s thinking of something to do with Bridge Farm.

George is wrecking Susan’s house

Though we haven’t heard Neil moan about it, from Susan’s saying, it sounds like Emma, Keira and George staying at theirs isn’t exactly working out for them.

George is ruining their carpets, with all his cake crumbs.

And Emma was about to tell Susan about something to do with George and an Owl ornament, but stopped with Susan started telling her how much sentimental value it had …

… oh dear. That’ll be a broken ornament then.

Emma might have to move back to Rickyard, gang or no gang.

Jamie’s scared of girls

The St Mag’s girls, to be exact.

He stops to talk to Kenton while he (Jamie) is on a 5 mile run.

Jamie and the rest of the cricket lads have stepped up their training. They’re terrified of playing the St Mags girls’ cricket team. Kenton’s not helping matters:

[Kenton] “Could be a case for post-match counselling I think! ,,, Amazonians … they have been known to lose. Just not in recent memory.”

Alistair has also been telling everyone to come and watch the match.

No pressure there then …

What did Jamie add to Kenton’s list?

Jamie was very unimpressed by the list of games Kenton has down for the Community Games. So he took it away to add to it.

Jamie later gave it back, but we weren’t told what new had been added.

David and Ruth finally agree

[David] “I’ve decided I’m going to pull out. I’m not going to give evidence.”

[Ruth] “You’re only doing that for me, aren’t you.”

[David] “Well, you and the kids.”

[Ruth] “I’ve been doing some thinking too. I don’t want you to…. I want to nail them, once and for all, see them in prison.”

[David] “Why the change of heart?”

[Ruth] “Something Kenton said. It stayed with me … We’re on the same side again, aren’t we?”

[David] “Thank goodness!”

Indeed.

So the gang now has to deal with a united from at Brookfield. That won’t be a doddle for them.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

The kids aren’t even safe at Heather’s: Wed 04.07.12

(who’d have thought it … !)

The Archers Wednesday 4th July 2012

Yet more chat about cigarettes
The Ambridge games will be international
Going to the pub doesn’t come naturally for Adam
Ruth does some mopping
“YOU BASTARD!”
Jill Vs. the Gang
Seems Pavel is a bit of a dish
What interview?
Ambridge Mixed Vs. St Mags
“Gość w dom, woda w zupie”
Was Ian enjoyng Pavel’s humour too much?

Yet more chat about cigarettes

If I didn’t know about just being one amongst millions, I’d swear the residents of Ambridge were trying to wind me up.

It was one of Adam’s fruit pickers again. Pavel. Adam caught him, again, skiving off to have a cigarette.

The later, Ian and Pavel were talking cigarettes again. Ian’s a smoker, so is on Pavel’s rather than Adam’s side.

[Ian] “He doesn’t understand the weakness.”

Seems every eavesdropping episode of the last 12 days has had a mention of smoking.

Though the last 12 days have also been completely smoke free for me …

The Ambridge games will be international

Pavel’s getting a team together. After he’d seen a poster asking for teams to sign up. And after some bloke in Jaxx had encouraged him … Pavel was surprised to hear Adam say that was his cousin, Kenton.

You can always spot a newcomer to Ambridge. They don’t know that nearly everyone has sprung from the same Archer well!

Going to the pub doesn’t come naturally for Adam

Bless.

Adam still hadn’t thought of a replacement for the cancelled Tree Top Adventure fruit picker trip.

Pavel suggested the pub.

Adam was astonished! He’d never have thought a herd of young people, far away from home, would enjoy spending time in a public house.

And the wee toots has to beg Ian to accompany them, for moral support.

Ruth does some mopping

As Emma’s called in to say she can’t make it.

Darn that Emma. Ruth probably had to spend a few hours trying to work out which end to use.

“YOU BASTARD!”

The phone goes at Brookfield. David answers:

[Bad man] “Quiet without the kids, isn’t it … we know where they are …”

[David] “YOU BASTARD. You touch my kids … “

Oh my.

David’s quite right to wonder how the gang know where the kids are.

I suppose they could have followed Ruth when she dropped them off.

Or tapped the phones.

Or are checking Josh’s Facebook (and the like).

But.

More likely the gang can only see that the kids have gone. They’re just playing on David and Ruth’s already frayed nerves.

Jill Vs. the Gang

My money would always be on Jill, no question.

David and Ruth phone Jill right after they’d phoned Heather.

Jill brings her patented calm and jolly good sense. She stops Ruth trying to drive to get Ben and Josh there and then.

[Jill] “It wouldn’t be safe. Not when you’re very upset. It’s a very long way.”

Ruth starts flapping and getting angry.

[Jill] “Look, you out the kettle on David, I want to make a quick call … Right, it’s all sorted … just spoken to Kenton, he’s going to drive you up there in the morning … I knew he’d want to help.”

Good old Jill. She then pops off to make scrambled eggs (easy to get down no matter what, apparently).

And good old Kenton. Nice to see Jill remembering that he can be of use, sometimes.

[Ruth] “I thought they were safe. Maybe they’re not safe anywhere.”

When Jill left the room, Jill then sounded wobbly herself. Seems she was being strong for Ruth.

[David] “I’ve done nothing have I? Do why do I feel that all this is my fault?”

Seems Pavel is a bit of a dish

There seems to be a flood of handsome new men arriving in Ambridge.

Alice is in the pub with Adam, Ian and the pickers – she reckons Pavel is quite tasty indeed.

[Adam] “Ah, if you like the wild, unkept look.”

What interview?

Seems Alice had her interview today. It was a call back. She seemed very nervous about whether she had done well or not.

Did I miss a previous mention of an important interview?

Ambridge Mixed Vs. St Mags

Alice reckons the game against her old school St Mags will be a tough one for Ambridge’s Mixed youngsters cricket teams. Seems St Mags is a “team to be reckoned with.”

[Adam] “That might ruffle a few feathers ...Playing girls against girls … does she have any idea how determined Jamie and Dan are going to be.”

[Alice] “Out for a duck to a female bowler!”

“Gość w dom, woda w zupie”

Is what I think Pavel was teaching Ian to say?

“Guest in the house, water in the soup”

(and please excuse me if I have that completely wrong – had to use Google Translate rather than Babel Fish, which seems to be down)

Was Ian enjoyng Pavel’s humour too much?

Hard to tell, what with Pavel being sooo handsome, but Ian always being sooo nice to everyone.

I wouldn’t have thought so though.

That’s just not Ian’s style.

Saturday, 30 June 2012

Emma won’t let Ed leave: Wed 27.06.12

The Archers Wednesday 27th June 2012

Cricket for Women: the campaign gathers speed
Clive was always bad
The unhappy father of the bride
The Brookfield clan to be split
Ed’s not going anywhere

Cricket for Women: the campaign gathers speed

[Natalie] “The thing I can’t understand is why no one has made a fuss about it up til now … we can’t be the only girls in the county wanting to play cricket … it is the 21st century and it must be possible to find someone to play us, what morons runs this league anyway?!?”

Natalie’s having a right good rant, to a rather fed up Jamie. Alistair has tried to arrange a game for the female cricket players of Ambridge, but there is no other women’s ream in the county.

[Natalie] “Do they think that every woman in Ambridge just makes jam and has babies … we weren’t all born to make sponges … Jamie, are you even listening to me … don’t you think they should all be dragged into the 21st century?”

[Jamie] “Don’t you think we could forget about cricket, just for tonight and think about us?”

[Natalie] “It just makes me so mad!”

[Jamie] “Maybe you’re fighting a losing battle … you’ve got your hockey, that’s competitive enough for anyone.”

But – Jamie then unwittingly suggests a solutions. He mentions girls schools.

[Jamie] “So, can we forget about cricket and concentrate on us now?”

Mais non! His suggestion has Natalie scurrying back to Alistair to suggest he finds a girls school who plays cricket, to then play against the Ambridge Women’s Cricket team.

But it’s all for nowt. Alistair now thinks that Ambridge doesn’t have enough girls to make up a decent numbered team.

[Natalie] “It would be rubbish if the St Mags girls walked all over us.”

Jamie again unwittingly finds the solution. He suggests they make Natalie’s hickey mates “honorary” cricketers.

So again, instead of spending time with him. Natalie’s off to arrange.

Worse still, Natalie’s taken Jamie’s idea and twisted it:

[Natalie] “We’re actually doing it the other way round … we’re not giving honorary cricket status to some hockey girls … we’re giving honorary female status to some of you!”

Women get cricket by making the boys play with them.

That should be fun. And at least Jamie will get to spend more time with Natalie!

Clive was always bad

Talking to Emma, Keith reminisces about living at the family home as a kid.

He minds on when Gary broke his arm.

[Keith] “Clive’s fault, kept making him go higher … none of us used to stand up to Clive.”

Wonder if Clive will put in an unwelcome cameo appearance at Keith’s daughter’s wedding?

The unhappy father of the bride

[Keith] “I keep trying to escape the wedding of the year but the chaos keeps following me around.”

Seems Keith hankers for the good old days, when all you did was turn up and be married. Now it’s all butterflies and doves.

[Keith] “I’ve learnt to ask how much,. Not what for.”

But for all his grumbling, Keith sounds like a good dad, trying to make his daughter’s special day a very special one indeed.

He’s even bought a tiara for Emma’s Keira, which Emma was overjoyed to receive.

The Brookfield clan to be split

Ben and Josh to Heather’s (with Ruth dropping them off, and staying a few days).

Ruth off to Spencer’s.

So it’ll be David by himself for a bit.

Odd.

Does no one care about David?

Ed’s not going anywhere

Ed was also due to be away, at the same time that Ben, Josh, Pip and Ruth are away.

He’s booked into his badger vaccination course. Which is arranged and paid for, and which will pay Ed a nice wee wage once he’s up and running.

But he can see problems having to leave Emma and Keira. It’ll only be David nearby.

[Emma] “It’s all turning into something off the telly. It’s mad … Why didn’t they tell us sooner. It’s not very responsible of them.”

Ed tries to reason with Emma (brave chap!) that the gang are after David and his family. Not them and theirs.

But Emma doesn’t want Ed to go away.

[Emma] “Please … I really mean it, I’ll never be able to sleep.”

[Ed, hearing Emma very upset] “Okay.”

[Emma] “It’s either you stay here, or I go. That’s the long and short of it. If it’s not safe for Ruth and David’s kids, it’s not safe for ours either. Not without you in the house.”

This might just be me – but couldn’t Emma just go to Susan’s?

Or even move into Brookfield with the also solo David?

Ruth takes over as Alpha: Sun 24.06.12

The Archers Sunday 24^th June 2012

David’s alpha skills are found lacking
Hayley wants to redecorate
Cricket for Women!
Rosa’s still a Jamie fan
Mother worried about her kids? Get out of the way!

David’s alpha skills are found lacking

Ruth has tried to give David time and space to consider what he’s going to do next.

Well, actually, she’s given him time to agree with her that he shouldn’t be testifying against the gang.

[David] “It’s not that simple.”

[Ruth] “Well it is to me.”

[David] “I can’t.”

[Ruth] “Or you won’t!”

[David] “It wasn’t an easy decision to make.”

[Ruth] “Sorry. Well how are we going to keep out children safe then. Tell me that!”

Later on, round 2:

[Ruth] “Pip’s too frightened to switch on her own phone, and Ben’s still having nightmares … neither of us are getting any sleep.”

[David] “Love, we’ll just have to take it one day at a time.”

But, as Ruth points out, it’ll take months, not days. The earliest David can expect to testify in court is September.

[Ruth] “The thing is, you’re doing this for Adam, right … and if you hadn’t found him, he might have died … me point is that you’ve done everything you could for him, he’s okay now, he’s back and work and moving on with his life … we’ve going to have to keep on living with the consequences … all because you’re too pig headed and self-righteous to back down.”

David blows a fuse at that one, but can’t get a word in:

[Ruth] “And you won’t back down because of some stupid idiotic principle … I’m sick of it. You’re putting your principles above protecting our children.”

[David] “That is a ridiculous thing to say … can’t you see you are reacting exactly the way they want you to react … they’re cowards, Ruth, I can’t believe they’ll carry out any of their threats.”

But Ruth is quick (and right) to point out that the gang did hit Adam. So they’re not just talking empty threats.

David thinks being sensible, being careful, take precautions and the like will keep everyone safe. Their kids just need to adapt. Ruth can’t believe what she’s hearing – she knows that no matter what, David can’t promise that nothing bad will happen.

[Ruth] “Right that he can’t promise everything will come right!”

[David] “I need you on my side Ruth.”

[Ruth] “But I can’t be.”

[David] “I can’t fight you as well.”

[Ruth] “Well if you want to be a martyr to this cause, you go right ahead. That’s enough, you stand on your moral high ground, and I hope you enjoy the view. You’ll be in your own.”

So mother’s right’s asserted as well as alpha’s. Ruth will phone the Police for advice, and do what she needs to do, and what David isn’t doing.

Hayley wants to redecorate

Phoebe is due home soon.

Hayley’s been hovering Phoebe’s room, and thinks it now looks too childish for her. She mentions to Roy she wants to do a makeover.

Roy thinks it’s a fine idea, but all Hayley had managed to achieve (by the end of the day) was to buy sandpaper and paintbrushes.

She couldn’t make her mind up about what Phoebe would like. Especially as she isn’t aiming just fir a repaint – she wants carpets, curtains, cushions … a whole new style.

[Roy] “This is our Phoebe we’re talking about, we’re not having the Queen to stay … she’ll just be happy to be home.”

But, Hayley’s worried Phoebe will have changed a lot in the last year. Phoebe’s favourite colour was pink, but what is it now?

[Roy] “If I were you, I’d get Vicky on it.”

Eh?

How will Vicky know more about decorating a room for a young lass?

And anyway – can we foresee problems with (a) Phoebe possibly being not even happy to be home and (b) rather furious that her parents have changed her room without her being involved?

Cricket for Women!

Natalie’s at nets with Jamie, admiring how good Chris is at cricket.

[Jamie] “What are you, the Gabby Logan of cricket?”

But that starts Natalie thinking.

[Natalie] “Every week. And we girls don’t get to play at all.”

[Jamie] “Good job. You might get better than us.”

[Natalie] “Might, we already are!”

I didn’t realise, but there isn’t an Ambridge women’s cricket team, or, in fact, one on the whole league.

Shocking! Even most football teams have a women’s version.

[Natalie] “When we started, it was just a bit of a laugh, joining in with you.”

So, Natalie wants a proper game for her and the young women, and she wants Jamie to ask Alistair to arrange it (eh? That’s not very liberated. Surely she could ask Alistair herself?!?)

Rosa’s still a Jamie fan

That he has a girlfriend doesn’t seem to matter. Rosa will stalk him even when Natalie is there.

[Natalie] “Uh oh. Your little groupie … quick behind the pavilion”

[Jamie] “About time. I’d never thought you’d ask!”

[Natalie] “I have to put up with her rabbiting away, and staring at your bum.”

Natalie does seem less controlling these days, but I hope neither she (nor Rosa) keep rabbits as pets.

Jamie’s just bemused by the attention.

[Jamie] “It is flattering, but I’m not quite Freddie Flintoff’s league. Yet.”

Mother worried about her kids? Get out of the way!

Ruth spoke with the Police. While they have sympathy, there’s nothing they can do. But, they suggest that they could move everyone at Brookfield to a safe house.

Though Ruth does agree with David that she and David can’t leave (they have a farm to run), she does want to move the kids out. And she’s not interested in what David may have to say about that.

[Ruth] “You don’t have a choice, not anymore.”

David wants them all to stay. He wants them together, where he can protect them.

[Ruth] “I’m not prepared to take the risk. It’s done. As soon as I can sort something out, they’ll be gone.”

Bit harsh on David, but looks like there's no point saying anything to Ruth at the moment!

Brookfield’s front page news: Thurs 21.06.12

The Archers Thursday 21st June 2012

“Oh noooo.”
Alice tends to (a more reasonable?) Amy
Josh is scared
Moussaka
Neil’s doing star jumps
David needs to tell Adam

“Oh noooo.”

I love it when Ruth says that. I even have 5 of those “oh noooo” t-shirts!

Anyhoo – the “oh noooo” was uttered by Ruth when she saw the front page headline of The Echo:

Terror on local farm headline

Not amusing at all. Though Josh has found it to be useful. The girls at his school were calling him a hero, because:

[Josh] “ … in this one it looks like I’m the only steward facing the bullocks.”

[David] “And you’re proud of that, are you … makes us look at least inept, and at the very worst completely unprofessional and unsafe … it’s an image of our farm that will stay in everybody’s mind, no matter what it says about vandalism or whatever!”

[Ruth] “For goodness sake David, it’s not Josh’s fault.”

[David] “Well he doesn’t seem that bothered about it …”

The newspaper article has quotes from parents calling Brookfield “incompetent”, and describes how scared, terrified and desperate folks were. Which Ruth reckons all of which is true.

Alice tends to (a more reasonable?) Amy

Again.

She’s got wine and a DVD, while Chris escapes to his mum’s to get his birthday present, then onto nets and The Bull.

From the start, it sounded like Amy was coming back to being ‘normal’ again. She tells Alice of her day at work. Which involved being midwife to a 15 year old, who lives in a care home, birthing partner was a care worker, the father of her child not to be seen, and her own mother not speaking to her.

[Amy] “Kinda puts your own pathetic problems into perspective, doesn’t it?”

Later on:

[Amy] “I’m so ashamed … I’d have stayed with Carl, even though in know he was married with a little girl, if he told me he’d leave them for me. I’m a monster.”

[Alice] “You were in love.”

[Amy] “You know, the sad thing is, I think his marriage really is a sham … the things he said when he talked his wife, it was all about money really … status, I don’t think he once said he loved her … Usha was right about me all along. I said some horrible hateful; things to her. I didn’t event take her a birthday card, can you believe it … I don’t think I can even face her.”

[Alice] “If it were me, I’d get it over with, as soon as I could.”

I concur.

And hurrah to Amy finally realising she’s not been the most rationale, easy or mature people of late.

Josh is scared

Quite right to be so.

[Josh] “Suppose I’ve accidentally filmed something or somebody.”

Josh handed his camera over to the Police, and he’s worried he did unwittingly film something important, which will mean he has to give evidence. Ruth reckons it won’t come to that, but will ask Usha.

[Josh] “When’s it all going to be over mum?”

Moussaka

My goodness, it was refreshing to hear Amy and Alice just chat about stuff, rather than about Amy … Carl … Usha …

Alice has made Moussaka for Amy, which Amy muchly appreciates. Alice muchly appreciates Amy being appreciative.

[Alice] “Sometimes the way Chris eats, I swear he hardly notices what it is let alone what it tastes like. It’s not so much eating as posting it down.”

Neil’s doing star jumps

[Adam] “Someone said they spotted Neil doing a few star jumps and press ups before nets”

Now there’s a picture …

Seems Ambridge lost to Paxley, but has high hopes of beating Loxley Barrett this weekend.

But sounds like Neil’s efforts to impress don’t have much chance of winning.

[Adam] “I don’t know if Ifty can work some sort of magic, at his age.”

Meow!

David needs to tell Adam

As David and Adam are having a pint, Adam mentions that he thinks the bullocks being let loose was only due to vandalism, and that it was probably kids who’d done the damage.

So, he still hasn’t a clue …

David asks Adam about his birthday plans:

[Adam] “Ian’s got plans, apparently they involve a Michelin star … To be honest, I’m doing it for him. It’s lovely, but I know I’m just going to be so tired.”

Adam also mentions that he’s back at work, but not up to full par.

[Adam] “It’s stick to my fingers a bit, if you know what I mean.”

He tells David how much of a “nightmare” it’s been since he was attacked, and how amazing Ian has been in supporting him.

[David] “Well don’t you worry. I’ll be there in court to help nail them.”

What else could David say?

And really, what else can David do but still see this through?

The horror, the humanity – it’s Open Farm Sunday 2012: Sun 17.06.12

The Archers Sunday 17 June 2012

A horrible Open Farm Sunday for Brookfield
It’s also Father’s Day
And it’s also Usha’s birthday
Emma and Neil’s grand day out

A horrible Open Farm Sunday for Brookfield

It all started so well.

David, Ruth, Pip, Josh and Ben were in good spirits, well organised, and it even sounded like it wasn’t raining!

There was to be a speech from David on “plough to plate”, pots for the kids to have cream in, which they could shake to make into butter and then spread on scones:

[Ruth] “If they have a spare three hours!”

Though they will all still aware that extra caution was required after the recent threats from the gang who attacked Adam. The stewards had to be particularly well briefed:

[David] “Make absolutely sure everyone is on message”

Emma was also nervous about leaving George and Ed at Brookfield while she and Keira went had a day out with Neil.

Turns out Emma was quite right to be worried.

Just as David was telling the visitors about the cows being milked, there was a loud bang.

[David] “Whoops, there goes my sister’s father in law in his old banger … sorry, Riley”

(why David didn’t immediately connect the band to the gang is a mystery)

Ed then started frantically shouting for everyone to get into the Orchard.

The bullocks were loose, and storming their way.

There was then screaming, shouting and George being daft enough not to stay put (Ed got to him in time).

No one was hurt. The closest to harm had been:

[David] “A few idiots taking snaps on their mobiles.”

Though:

[David] “One of two of them muttering darkly about lawyers … how the hell did they get out?”

Later on:

[David] “It’s the gang, isn’t it?”

Seems they’d made a gap in the fence, and set off a firework to get the bullocks running.

[Pip, crying] “How can anyone be that cruel … How dare they sabotage our open farm Sunday like this, how dare they! They all could have been hurt!”

So the Police are called again.

(though we did know something bad was going to happen when David previously had said it was going to be an Open Farm Sunday to remember)

It’s also Father’s Day

David got a beer from a microbrewery, and toast for breakfast.

Which Ben then burnt.

(the toast, not the beer)

George was allowed to make two cards at school, so nor arguments between Ed and Will.

And Neil had a day out with Emma.

But Amy didn’t send or give Alan a card.

And it’s also Usha’s birthday

[David] “Just think, half century!”

[Ruth] “Just as long as you don’t phrase it that way to her.”

Again, Amy didn’t show up with or send a card.

Emma and Neil’s grand day out

For Father’s day, Emma took Neil out for lunch, while Susan and Tracey were treating Bert to a Sunday roast. (no mention of Chris, though).

Neil didn’t exactly sound too thrilled at spending the day with Emma. Even though she said that as she’d been given a fair amount of tips at a wedding she’d worked at (one assumes Lower Loxley, “money was no object”.

Might have had something to do with there being a cricket match on that he could have gone to …

Funnily enough, Neil wants to go to Paxley. Emma spots Chris, Tom and Roy passing by in a car:

[Emma] “What are the chances dad?”

Hmmm …

After Emma gave Neil a row for getting texts from Richard Thwaite (who’s on the cricket team), and after they’d had a meal, Emma and Neil took a wee stroll. …

[Neil] “What’s behind the hedge … it’s Paxley cricket ground!”

[Emma] “Oh, you poor thing, why didn’t you say?”

Very surprisingly, but Emma (a) took Neil to watch the rest of the match and (b) genuinely sounded like she would have taken Neil there in the first place if Neil had told her.

Blimey.

Emma does a nice thing for someone else!

Neil has a good and bad day: Thurs 14.06.12

The Archers Thursday 14th June 2012

Neil’s spotted the Ambridge Beast
Neil’s a hungry chap
Fancy donuts from America
Ifty goes into Susan’s bad book
Neil’s off the cricket team
The Barbeque doesn’t get Adam’s mojo back
Usha shouts at Amy

Neil’s spotted the Ambridge Beast

Neil bursts in at home with earth shattering news. Though Susan makes him put his boots on newspaper first …

[Neil] “Lynda’s monster. I’ve seen it. It’s a wild boar, a proper beast. The beast of Ambridge … massive it is, body dark grey, face is speckled white and it has tusks.”

[Neil] “(he’d seen it at Nightingale Farm) right outside the house, bold as brass Looked me straight in me eye, and then ran off towards the gardens.”

[Susan] “Oh Neil, well this is a scoop … you’ve solved the mystery of the monster!”

[Neil] “Might not be so lucky for my pigs. I’ll have to make extra sure they’re penned in tonight, I don’t want to risk any cross breeding.”

Well. That’s that then? Though I wouldn’t be so quick to pen up the pigs - could be a while new business venture.

Susan is beyond herself with glee.

[Susan] “It’s a moment in history … the moment the monster was identified by you!”

Neil’s a hungry chap

He got quite irritated that his lunch wasn’t ready there and then.

And sounds like he tucked into a 3 course dinner later on.

Fancy donuts from America

Keith brought them for Brad and Chelsea, Tracey gave them to Susan as:

[Susan] “Tracey reckons the sugar makes the kids even more hyper than usual.”

Neil enjoyed them. He really didn’t stop eating today.

By-the-by - what sort of donut were they on about?

Ifty goes into Susan’s bad book

Oh dear.

First, Susan is embarrassed that Tracey has been chasing after Ifty.

[Susan] “I can do without her making a spectacle of herself.”

Then she heard Neil was off the cricket team …

Neil’s off the cricket team

Or at the very least, sounds like he’s being rested for a bit.

After making her point to Ifty the other day that Neil didn’t want to leave the team, when Alistair called to talk to Neil, Susan assumed it was because Alistair was resigning – and Neil would be captain.

[Susan] “You are the elder statesman.”

But no.

[Neil] “I’ve lost my place in the team, Susan”

Seems the Ambridge Cricket team doesn’t need Neil’s “stature and experience”. And he has too many bad habits that are now too ingrained.

[Neil] “Suppose I’ll have to face the fact that I’m not as quick as I was, not as sharp … the glory days, are in the past.”

[Susan] “I’ll be the judge of that!”

Susan asks if anyone has been dropped:

[Susan] “I bet you that Iftikhar is at the bottom of this … he wants his favourites in the side … the team was doing fine before he turned up … he barged in like a bull in a china shop … and he’s been leading our Tracey a merry dance … oh, size of one Neil … mark my words, this Ifty's bad news. I can feel it!”

Phew! The wind doesn’t change as often as Susan’s mind.

The Barbeque doesn’t get Adam’s mojo back

At the pickers’ barbeque:

[Ian] “I’ve tasted weaker absinthe”

[Adam] “Well, she does call it the devil in disguise”

Adam’s on drinks, Brian’s on cooking meat. Seems Brian was beyond excitement about using the new tongs Jennifer had bought for him.

Adam seems to be enjoying himself at first, but Ian later finds him trying to get a rest, and also feeling quite sorry for himself.

[Adam] “This is my event, I’m supposed to be in charge, and I can’t even pour drinks properly.”

Usha shouts at Amy

Amy seems to be constantly regressing into her teens.

Today, she’d left a mess. Usha found her sat on the settee in the mess.

[Usha] “Look if you don’t want to talk to me fine, but we have to share this place and I expect you to clear up after yourself.”

[Amy] “What’s the point? You only end up rearranging it … you’re a control freak, you run this house, your try and run dad, thing is, you can’t run me”

[Usha] “Well I am sick of your rudeness”

[Amy] “I don’t care.”

Later on:

[Usha] “Sulk over?”

[Amy] “I’m not interested in listening to you”

[Usha] “You’re punishing me because I didn’t know what the right thing to do was … would you have believed me … you would have twisted it some way and hated me for interfering … Look, I’m tired of being blamed when the person you should be blaming is getting off scot free … I’m not taking it anymore, I understand you’re hurting, but you’ve got to get a grip on your life.”

[Amy] “You can’t speak to me like this!”

[Usha] “But you can speak to me however you want, you can do whatever you want?”

Amy gets to leave:

[Usha] “You can’t just walk out!”

But she does.

I wouldn’t have complained about that is I was Usha. Better to be shot of Amy in her current state.

Monday, 25 June 2012

Sticky Wicket 2012 10.06.12

The Archers Sunday 10th June 2012

Tracey makes more moves on Ifty
The pollen count keeps Lynda away
Elona and Darrell’s daughter Rosa
Ambridge cricket team won!
Jamie and Roy in the final
Mike gave Jamie a job

Tracey makes more moves on Ifty

Tracey’s managed to get a deckchair next to Ifty, and is trying to show her cricketing knowledge. Which includes shouting at the Umpire that he got his decision wrong (Neil out to Harry):

[Tracey] “I’ll have a word of it later. He proper muffed it … problem is, I take my cricket seriously me. Reckon if brad and Chelsea hadn’t come along,. I’d have joined the barmy army … captain of the netball team in the juniors, wing attack …”

She then gets hot. Has to take her cardigan off. And asks Ifty to rub in some sun lotion …

[Ifty, sound exasperated] “Tracey, we’re in Ambridge, not Ayia Napa”

Later on, Ifty doesn’t even want Tracey’s prawns:

[Tracey] “…and they’ve got cheese. Cheese never harmed anyone, did it?”

Probably not. But scalding hot tea does harm one when it’s dropped onto their knee.

Which Tracey does to Ifty.

Yup. He’ll be hers in no time.

The pollen count keeps Lynda away

I’ll bet the rest of the Ambridge residents wish they’d know it was that easy years ago!

Elona and Darrell’s daughter Rosa

Rosa started speaking near the secret microphones today. And made quite an impact.

She first got told to “joy off to the rest of the kids” when she interrupted Tracey’s attempted flirtations with Ifty.

[Rosa] “I’m not a kid. I have a job!”

Indeed you do. With Mike, bottling. When she later has a chat with (at!) Mike about Ifty:

[Rosa] “I heard looked like he was in a boyband … that’s the old bloke who gave me a deckchair!”

But, Rosa definitely does like Jamie:

[Rosa] “I’ve enjoyed watching you play, I er, haven’t been able to keep my eyes off you”

Jamie sounded quite pleased to hear that. Not sure his girlfriend Natalie will be …

Ambridge cricket team won!

Against the Borchester Old Boys by 4 runs.

Good good.

Jamie and Roy in the final

Jamie won!

Well done Jamie. Well done indeed. Sid would be bursting with pride.

Mike gave Jamie a job

Clearing and logging timber on the estate with Mike. He seems really chuffed about that.

It also means he’s working for the same boss as Rosa:

[Rosa] “He can be a bit gruff, but he’s a big softy really.”

Will and Nic caught on camera 08.06.12

(doing adult stuff … blimey!)

The Archers Friday 8th June 2012

Ifty wants artisan, local cheese
Save Neil’s cricket!
The tin of tomato soup flirting technique
B*stards killed a sheep
Susan and Lynda see A LOT of Nic and Will

Ifty wants artisan, local cheese

So Susan suggests Borchestershire Blue, Helen’s.

I wonder … will Ifty like the make as much as the product?

He’s seemingly so damn handsome, some lucky Ambridge lass must be destined to be his belle.

Save Neil’s cricket!

Susan’s heard that Neil might be dropped from the cricket team, so has a quiet word with Ifty.

If he has any sense, he’ll do exactly as Susan says. She won’t let go …

The tin of tomato soup flirting technique

Courtesy of Tracey Horrobin.

She spots Ifty in the shop, so topples over some soup (!) and loses an earring (!!).

I kid you not …

[Susan] “Only you could get one of my customers scrabbling about on the floor looking for your earring”

[Tracey] “Men just fall at my feet!”

Tracey has also now suddenly developed a need to learn the rules from cricket from Neil.

B*stards killed a sheep

Ben had done walkabout, so Ruth called him on his mobile. He answers, very upset, and starts saying something about a lot of blood.

When Ruth gets to him, it’s a sheep he’s found.

[Ben] “I was thinking, could it have been Lynda’s monster … it must be very fierce.”

Ruth tells him it must have been someone’s dog, and that she can see bite marks on its neck.

[Ben] “What’s going to happen now, will you have to shoot it? … get Will Grundy in, he’s good at shooting foxes.”

When Ruth later talks to David:

[Ruth] “It wasn’t an animal. That was done by a human being … it looked like a blade of some sort … there were a couple of bite marks I could see, maybe they used a dog to bring it down.”

Just as they’re calling the Police, Pip comes in. And demands to know what’s happening.

[Pip] “So how about being straight with me for a change! … Some guy comes on the farm and cuts the throat of our animals, I think I should know.”

When David tells her that the Police are only going to do a few extra drive rounds during Farm Sunday:

[Pip] “What do they think we’re dealing with, if they can do that to an animal, and a kid see it …”

[David] “You can’t give into it. You can’t give into bullies … All we can do is stand together as a family, and look out for each other.”

Is it just me, or could Brookfield do with telling all and every in Ambridge? More eyes to see, more hands to punch …

Susan and Lynda see A LOT of Nic and Will

Kirsty had dropped off the video from the camera set up in the wood to Lynda. She and Susan started watching it to see if the Ambridge Beast had been caught on film. As they watch it:

[Susan] “Shame, no monsters.”

[Lynda] “Yes, it is disappointing … hang on ... what was that? … could have been a fox I suppose, but I thought there was something …”

[Susan] “That’s not an animal. It’s Nic. Oh my goodness! That’s Will!”

[Lynda] “In the woods. In the middle of the night, … oh …!!!”

[Susan] “Oh, oh my lord!”

[Lynda] “They’re not …”

[Susan] “I think they are!”

[Lynda] “Yes. I think you’d better stop it now.”

[Susan] “Well, it’s all wildlife I suppose. In a manner of speaking.”

Oh my!

Wonder how far Will and Nic got before Lynda switched the tape off.

Sunday, 24 June 2012

“No more sleepy Ambridge” 06.06.12

(could have fooled me!)

The Archers Wednesday 6^th June 2012

Slooooooow day
Ifty wants to drop Neil Carter
Have a calf , or else
David and Oliver don’t really debate the Badger vaccination
Lower Loxley is busy
Sandwiches and pork pies in the field
The bailer keeps breaking down
Should they tell the kids?

Slooooooow day

It’s been a while since we’ve had one, but here one was. Just a couple of eavesdropping moments worth a mention.

Ifty wants to drop Neil Carter

That’s not nice on Neil.

Have a calf , or else

One of Brookfield’s cows is on her eighth lactation, so she really does have to produce if she’s going to be kept.

[Ruth] “I’d still hate to see her go down the road”

(‘down the road’ is Brookfield talk for slaughter)

Lucky for the cow, she is in calf.

David and Oliver don’t really debate the Badger vaccination

Oliver is in to see David about vaccination. David’s still not sure it makes sense, and is still a fan of culling. He’s also been getting calls from other farmers who feel the same.

Seems DEFRA is doing trial culls in the Autumn. And Wales has told their farmers to vaccinate.

Oliver said something about the cost of the vaccination going up, but he’s hoping to balance that back down by bringing in contractors. But Ed will still be trained alongside them.

Lower Loxley is busy

With wine tastings and tours of the vineyards.

[Alistair] “He was a wise old owl in his own way was Nigel.”

Sandwiches and pork pies in the field

[Josh] “Why do we have to eat in the field anyway?”

Because Ed and David are out there bailing. So the whole family will join them for lunch.

The bailer keeps breaking down

[Ed] “It’s the knotting mechanism again.”

But they get it working.

Should they tell the kids?

[David] “Less than a month, and we’re behaving like we’re living in the middle of London.”

[Ruth] “It’s driving Josh up the wall, you can tell.”

Thursday, 31 May 2012

Harry returns to place the crown 31.05.12

The Archers Thursday 31st May 2012

Harry’s back
Up a ladder
Blokes’ chat
Pip’s no a girl to be on film
It’ll take a lot of wood to build that Beacon
Vicky really does want to retire
Silver Jubilee memories
Lost to Darrington

Harry’s back

Phew! He had me worried there. He hadn’t been anywhere, just ever so silent for so long.

Up a ladder

Harry’s only been back a few seconds, and Vicky already has him in a position where she can admire his bum!

She asks him to go up a ladder to fix a crown she’s made onto the top of the phone box.

[Clarrie] “Clever eh, padded radiator foil stuck on card”

[Harry] “Yeah very, eh, innovative”

When Harry makes a suggestion to improve the crown:

[Vicky] “Oh, you’re not just a buff pair of cycle shorts, are you?”

Blokes’ chat

[Spencer] “Alright mate”

[Harry] “Oh, hi Spencer”

[Spencer] “What you doing?”

[Harry] “Isn’t it obvious?”

[Spencer] “Well, no”

[Harry] “Making a crown for the phone box”

[Spencer] “I think you want to get out more mate”

[Harry] “Hmm, you’re not wrong”

Pip’s no a girl to be on film

[Pip] “Oh dad, you said you’d never do this … you hate them!”

[David] “Well, needs must”

[Pip] “I don’t; want to live in a prison. But why, dad?”

[David] “Times changes”

[Pip] “What next, a ten foot security fence … it’s so creepy ... it’s bad enough being spied upon in town, but I live here”

When David, Josh and Ben are looking at the camera – trying to work out who someone is that’s just come onto the Farm. David sounds panicky, but it’s just Spencer:

[Ben] “No it’s not; it’s the beast of Haydn wood!”

Pip later says to Spencer that she knows something’s afoot that David and Ruth aren’t telling her. She knows it’s something to do with Adam, but thinks it more about David having also found Nigel. Sounds like she thinks he’s lost the plot.

I thought David and Ruth had decided to tell Pip as she’s the most at risk?

It’ll take a lot of wood to build that Beacon
Two sessions, Mike reckons.

Vicky really does want to retire

Which is fair enough.

She and Mike are having a wee time out on Lakey Hill.

[Mike] “It's good to have the time to stop and stare”

[Vicky] “We don’t have enough down time together, do we”

Hint hint …

Vicky says she’s looking forward to Mike retiring. And wonders if Harry would want to buy into the bottling plant.

[Mike] “It’ll be nice to have a bit of time for me”

[Vicky] “Us. We’ll have a fantastic time together”

Ah – but that’s where there could be trouble. Mike sees his retirement being in front of a flat screen TV. Vicky wants to dance, go in for competitions, do Zumba …

[Mike] “Well the over 60s put on some nice coach trips …”

[Vicky, ignoring Mike’s mention of bus trips] “There’s an extra’s agency opened up in Felpersham, we could be on telly”

Vicky sees television competitions. Win big, And jet off to Dubai.

Mike sounds like he just wants his slippers!

[Vicky] “Oh, we’ve got so much to look forward to”

[Mike] “Spending time with the grandkids”

[Vicky] “Oh, I hope that won’t mean less time for me, Mr Bubbles”

[Mike] “Oh never, Mrs Bubbles”

Silver Jubilee memories

[Vicky] “Rowena Ballam pelted me with jelly at our street party”

And Mike lit the Beacon at the very spot they’re now sitting on.

Lost to Darrington

Did the Ambridge cricket team. Though Harry reckons they at least gave them a fright. Probably just with how bad they are …

[Harry] “We should be proud of ourselves. Ifty calls us a work in progress”

The sausage game 28.05.12

The Archers Monday 28th May 2012

Pip’ll be serving burgers at the Beacon
Darrington won
Usha shouts at Amy
Tony’s made sandwiches
Ruth has a panic button
Tony’s hired an aging rocker called Trevor
What’s wrong with a Vintage Sunbeam?
The sausage game

Pip’ll be serving burgers at the Beacon

Well, that’s one way to celebrate the Jubilee, I suppose. Though, as Pip points out, she does get paid for being at something she would have gone to anyway.

Darrington won
Seems Ambridge got a “respectable” 180, but they were “chasing” 214.

From the way David told it, I assume that’s particularly bad?

Usha shouts at Amy

It’s about time!

Amy wanted to put something into the wash. Usha already had something in, but offered to out Amy’s on after. Amy says no, and wants to tale her clothes back.

[Usha] “Oh Amy, that’s ridiculous”

[Amy] “I don’t need you to do my washing, okay!”

[Usha, losing patience] “Right how long are you going to keep this up?”

Usha tells Amy that she’s the one tearing Alan apart. He builds the bridge, she smashes them down. Usha was especially angry about the effort Alan went to the other night when he cooked Amy’s favourite curry (a recipe of Mabel’s). Amy claims she did have some:

[Usha] “Yeah, skulking round the kitchen when we were gone, like a teenager”

[Amy] “He didn’t say you’d be there …”

[Usha] “I’M HIS WIFE, WHERE ELSE WOULD I BE? I LIVE HERE. He went to so much trouble ... poor Alan”

[Amy] “You've always had your own agenda, all that I'm your stepmother stuff, it was always a sham”

[Usha] “You don’t really believe that”

[Amy] “Don't I?”

Och Amy – go boil yer heid!

Tony’s made sandwiches

[Tom] “Oh, blimey!”

Tony making lunch is not a common occurrence.

And we find out why – he’s made a beef and avocado, plus brie and mushroom.

Odd. Tom chooses the brie and mushroom, but then wants to put ketchup on it.

Ach, pick the mushroom out ya fussy lad!

Ruth has a panic button

And now even locks the door behind her.

Pondering how they will run Open Farm Sunday while being on such high alert. Their only answer is to keep everything locked, and make the tour shorter.

Cancel it would be safer, surely?

Tony’s hired an aging rocker called Trevor

Tony’s on fire today!

First the sandwiches, now he’s actually hired in someone to help with the milking.

It’s a bloke called Trevor. Who is in a band. But is “no spring chicken” (according to Pat, who hasn’t met him yet).

Trevor will work 5 days a week, 1 weekend a month, covering the afternoon milking. Trevor used to have his own herd and though he doesn’t miss the morning milking, he’s looking forward to working again (him and his wife also need the cash).

[Tom] “An old rocker, keeping his hand in eh. I bet he's got a ponytail!”

Tony’s seemingly most pleased with himself.

What’s wrong with a Vintage Sunbeam?

Trevor owns one, which made Tom groan.

Worried about Trevor and Tony spending hours just gazing at it?

The sausage game

[Ben] “Mum, dad can we play sausages?”

They said yes. Here it is:

[Ben] “Mum, what did you brush your teeth with today?”

[Ruth] “Sausages”

[Ben] “Pip, what does Spencer wear on his feet?”

[Pip] “Sausages”

[Ben] “Dad, what do you cut your hair with?”

[David, laughing] “Sausages”

Aha – David lost! You’re not supposed to laugh.

His forfeit (set by Ben) was to get under the table - then bark like a dog.

Though Ruth had the last word:

[Ruth] “What's Tom's only topic of conversation?”

All together now … Sausages!

Alan’s back to being Usha’s husband 27.05.12

(not just exclusively Amy’s dad)

The Archers Sunday 27th June 2012

Brookfield to be filmed
Alan gives Usha a lovely Sunday in bed
Brookfield’s sheep are being weighed
Ben’s forced to watch the cricket

Brookfield to be filmed

[Ruth] “So, we've finally joined the surveillance society”

David and Ruth are choosing security cameras online. They also decide to tell Pip what’s going on, as she’s the most vulnerable one (being out and about the most by herself).

Worryingly, David’s taken to sleeping with a shotgun next to the bed. Ruth nearly hit it instead of the alarm clock …

[Ruth] “We’re sitting targets”

[David] “Well, they may be scum, but they can't be completely stupid. They won’t want to be caught on camera”

[Ruth] “Everything's changing, isn’t it?”

Would seem so. The days of being able to leave their doors unlocked are (at least temporarily) gone.

[David] “Ruth, I am not going to let these thugs get in my head … Think about it, why are they doing this, how do they want us to feel, rattled and insecure ... they are not taking over our lives ...”

[Ruth] “I must say Farm Sunday is the last thing I feel like doing right now”

Sounds like the bad men are winning …

Alan gives Usha a lovely Sunday in bed

(yes – nearly in ‘that’ way. What’s going on with the older-than-young-but-not-quite-old Ambridge married couples? Why all of the randyness?)

He comes home after early communion (where he only had half a dozen people attend, but seemed happy enough with that), to find Usha still in bed. She stayed there after she’d heard Amy up and about. Usha wanted to wait until Amy went back to her room.

[Alan] “You shouldn't have to hide away”

[Usha] “I'm not. I'm just avoiding unnecessary confrontation”

[Alan] “God has committed us to the work of reconciliation”

[Usha] “Well water wears a stone down eventually”

Usha has the measure of Amy. She thinks Amy is running rings round her and Alan.

[Usha] “We need to get on with our lives, you and I”

So they do. Seems Usha is 50 next month, and Alan wants them to celebrate properly.

A meal at Grey Gables? A party outside? Aha – hiring The Bull upstairs.

But they can’t do it on the 17th (Usha’s actual birthday) as it’s also Open Farm Sunday – which David and Ruth will be running at Brookfield.

(wonder why they didn’t ask Brian to do it this year)

Either which way, Usha is ever so happy that Alan’s being nice/normal to her again.

[Usha] “You have cheered up my morning, darling”

[Alan] “So, do you want her there?”

[Usha] “Yes, yes I do, though whether she'll want to be there is another matter”

*sigh*

Amy will manage to ruin Usha’s birthday, one way or another.

When Alan mentions their plans for Usha’s birthday, Amy says she expects to be working. When Alan tries to reason with her:

[Amy] “Don't you get it dad, I don’t want anything to do with her!”

Usha overheard. But I don’t suppose she’ll be surprised, or shocked, to hear Amy talk that way anymore.

Brookfield’s sheep are being weighed

Must be slaughter time for some of them.

Ben’s forced to watch the cricket

Wee toot.

Ruth and David make him go and watch the Darrington game – where everything knows Ambridge will be gubbed.

They only wanted him safely somewhere else, as they’d be too busy working to keep an eye on him. So no need for such punishment!