Vicky’s amniocentesis is positive: Wed 29.08.12

The Archers Wednesday 29th August 2012

• Harry’s back
• Fallon’s booked Tug Fowler
• Tray of chips for Harry
• Jamie’s going on a cutting course
• No-one will live with Jazzer
• Rhys and Fallon are not happy with each other
• It’s bad news for Vicky and Mike

Harry’s back

His first visit was to Mike to apologise for leaving his job so abruptly.

[Harry] “You’ve got every right to be hacked off with me too … I really want to apologise face to face, jacking in my job like that, it’s not the careful Harry that everyone know. I surprised myself to be honest, when it comes to someone you really love, well, you’ll do anything for them … I’m sorry and I wanted to thank you for giving me the job in the first place.”

Mike accepts his apology, but is actually quite distracted. Vicky’s test is due back any day now.


Fallon’s booked Tug Fowler

He’ll be appearing at The Bull in 3 weeks’ time.

Rhys doesn’t sound enthusiastic.

He reckons Jolene won’t be happy either …


Tray of chips for Harry

Rhys reckons.

Fallon would like slightly more elegant catering for Harry’s farewell party lock-in at The Bull.

(which Fallon won’t let Jamie stay for as she reckons he’s still too young. Spoil sport!)
Well, chops or not, Harry enjoyed his leaving do. And they didn’t get raided by the Police for having a lock-in.

Harry’s final word went to Rhys:

[Rhys] “I’ve just been talking about bread, so I thought I might as well make a toast …To my one time Anglo/Welsh rival … we thought he was a cyclist, but turns out to be quite the dark horse … he’s a smart cookie but he’s proved that when the heart speaks, the brain shuts up.”

Farewell Mr Harry Mason.

I doubt Ambridge’s milk will ever again be delivered by such a handsome and enthusiastic bloke.


Jamie’s going on a cutting course

Organised by Mike.

Can we foresee Jamie leaving College (again) to have a life worked in the woods?


No-one will live with Jazzer

Jazzer is not amused with Harry having left him to live alone.

[Jazzer] “You’re lucky I didnae just chuck your stuff threw the windae!”

Though Jazzer reckons he makes for great company, and encourages a “laid back lifestyle” in those lucky to share a home with him, he can’t find someone to replace Harry.

And he needs to. He can’t afford the rent by himself. So, not flatmate, no flat:

[Jazzer] “I’ll be back with my ma!”

But not all is lost. Harry leaves Jazzer his kettle, and:

[Jazzer] “A food processor, jings, I cannae believe my luck!”

(by-the-by, no Scot has said ‘jings’ since The Broons)

Jazzer then immediately tries to sell the food processor (and the bread maker, Harry also graciously gave him)

[Rhys] “Ah you haven't been looting again Jazzer have you?”

Ha!


Rhys and Fallon are not happy with each other

[Rhys] “I dunno what’s got into Fallon. She used to be laid back. Someone you could have a laugh with … it must be the power going to her head … like something she’s got to prove … over-compensating for something.”

(Jazzer couldn’t say why Fallon’s had such a mood change … all credit to him for still being a gent and not telling about the night he spent with Fallon under the (campervan) stars)

[Rhys] “All I know is she stopped listening to common sense.”

[Harry] “To you, you mean.”

[Rhys] “She’s driving me mad!”

When Rhys steps away, enter Fallon:

[Fallon] “I don’t know what’s got into Rhys, he used to have a bit of get up and go, a bit of a spark. … deep down he’s a stick in the mud … I tell you Harry, he’s driving me mad!”

Love is in the air, I reckon.


It’s bad news for Vicky and Mike

Vicky takes a phone call. She ends the call crying.

[Vicky] “I’m so sorry Mike.”

[Mike] “No, it’s um, we’ll find some way through it.”

[Vicky] “Will we?”

[Mike] “Yeah, yeah of course we will.”

No-one said it, but we can only assume Vicky’s test showed the baby has Down’s Syndrome.

Kenton attacks Jolene with a drawer: Tues 14.08.12

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 14th August

• So how was The Fringe?
• Harry was hot, now he’s just gossip
• Kenton sings Rod Stewart, badly
• Jolene doesn’t want to go to New Zealand
• I know the safe combination in Jaxx
• Kenton’s lost his passport
• Jazzer wants his feet under the table
• Kenton attacks Jolene with a drawer
• Kenton’s obsessed with social networking
• Bon voyage!

So how was The Fringe?

Apart from:

[Jazzer] “Full of foreigners in fancy dress.”

And Fallon saying she’d seen a few good, but also a few rubbish, shows.

We’ll never really know.

And there was me thinking (and knowing) so much happens in Edinburgh this time of year.


Harry was hot, now he’s just gossip

Fallon arrived home to tell Jolene about Harry, rather than break the news beforehand.

[Fallon] “I didn’t want to spread gossip.”

[Jazzer] “Why not?”

[Fallon] “In case he changed his mind.”

[Jazzer] “Huh, that’s not going to happen!”

[Jolene] “But Harry, he's the last person you’d think … with a bloke … and he’s not coming back … there’s going to be a lot of disappointed women in Ambridge.”

What an epitah!


Kenton sings Rod Stewart, badly

‘I am sailing’, to be precise.

He’s all excited as he and Jolene are off the New Zealand in two hours.

And he’s booked a boat to sail on the last few days of their holiday.

[Kirsty] “It’s got to be 10 years since you last skippered anything bigger than a rowing boat!”

Kenton reckons it’s just like riding a bike.
Though Kirsty foresees problems with how interested an 11 year old lass will be in being stuck on a boat with her dad and step mum …

… do we also hear the cry of “overboard!” …?

Surely Jolene can’t only experience death in New Zealand?


Jolene doesn’t want to go to New Zealand

I’m really surprised it’s taken her until now to work that one out.

[Jolene] “I wish we were going somewhere else. I remember the last time …. It feels like it was yesterday.”

But she daren’t tell Kenton that she actually doesn’t want to go. He’s too excited about it:

[Jolene] “And it’s all to do with Sid … and the fact UI got together with him so soon after Sid died. What’s Lucy going to think?”

She’s worried about them staying with Lucy, even though it’s saving them a fair few pennies (the rest of the holiday is costing enough, even with Jill also having helped them out).

Jolene would rather they had time alone.

[Jolene] “More peace just the two of us, without all this baggage.”

I know the safe combination in Jaxx

It’s over there, written on the back of that picture of Elvis.


Jazzer wants his feet under the table

He’s unpacked all of Fallon’s stuff out of the van.

But she’s not grateful.

[Jolene] “What’s up? “

[Fallon] “Nothing, I just want him to go home!”

But when Fallon goes off to have her bath, Jazzer’s already in there. He offers to share …

She declines, but he then appears in the kitchen with just a towel on. It doesn’t cover him very well, and Fallon has to get near to his “minging” toenails to check his foot after he’d stepped on a mug than Jolene had smashed by mistake earlier on.

Fallon can’t take much more. As well as being half naked, Jazzer wants to borrow a t-shirt (which he did. One of Kenton’s which Jolene was glad to get rid of. It had “capped sleeves and slutty slogans”) and help in the bar.

[Fallon] “Jazzer no. We’re home now, the holidays’ over … I don’t know what you think you’re playing at, but can I remind you of what you promised after, you know, that night … ever since we got back, you’ve been acting like you’re moving it. You said we could go back to just being mates.”

[Jazzer] “I thought that was what I was being, matey … to be honest with you, I didn’t fancy going back to a flat in me ain, I never imagined I’d miss auld Harry.”

Fallon takes pity. More fool her …


Kenton attacks Jolene with a drawer

Kenton’s lost his passport

Numpty.

It wasn’t at Jaxx.

Not in his black jeans, which they’d already packed.

Not in the filing cabinet.

But maybe in the locked drawer? You know, the one that’s really stuff.

As Kenton yanks it open, it hurtles out and smacks Jolene on her eye.

[Fallon] “You’re going to have one hell of a black eye!”

When Jazzer answers Fallon’s phone to Kirsty:

[Jazzer] “There’s been a wee fracas, I think they’ve been having a punch up!”

[Fallon] “You didn’t want to go in the first place, and now everyone’s going to think Kenton beat you up!”

When Kirsty arrives with Kenton’s passport (which was in the freezer at Jaxx – Kenton had put it there after reading about hiding stuff in freezers in a spy novel):

[Kirsty] “Oh Jolene, did Kenton do that?”

And that, my friends, is how gossip starts.


Kenton’s obsessed with social networking

The taxi has arrived. Kenton’s busy upstairs posting pictures to Facebook.

[Jolene] “Facebook, honestly!”

And he told Kirsty he’d be Tweeting at every stage of his journey, so that the folks back at Jaxx would be able to follow his every step.

[Jolene] “I’m sure they’ll all be fascinated to know what you had for breakfast.”

Well, Kenton shouldn’t mention his breakfast, unless it’s splendid. Tweeters generally only Tweet interesting stuff … (!).


Bon voyage!

Not really …

[Fallon] “Bye mum, things can only get better! … wonder if they’re going to survive this trip.”

Aye, I do too.

Brian makes Adam beg: Sun 12.08.12

The Archers Sunday 12th August 2012

• Adam will just have to apply
• Vicky’s fluttering
• Harry’s bisexual; bad news for Mike
• Brian’s hardly magnanimous …
• Polish night at Ian and Adam’s … with Pavel

Adam will just have to apply

Not sure why it took 2 days for Adam to get from his hot tub to Home Farm, but he does, and starts shouting at Brian advertising his job:

[Adam] “Will somebody tell me what the hell’s going on, I see my own job advertised in the paper … there are ways and ways”

Brian’s not remotely perturbed. He thinks he has a right to advertise for a Farm Manager. Adam wouldn’t do it, and he couldn’t expect a new Farm Manager to just coming knocking. He doesn’t even agree with Adam that he should have been told about the advert, even just out of politeness:

[Brian] “Polite? Adam, you had your chance. Your chose to go your own way, well fair enough, why should you expect to be consulted?”

[Adam, sounding a tad humble] “Did it ever cross your mind that I, um, might be having second thoughts?”

It was painful listening – Adam, having to admit to Brian that he wants to stay. That he and Ian don’t want to move. And:

[Adam] “My future’s here with you at Home Farm, whatever it takes.”

[Brian] “Whoa, hold on here, after all that’s happened, you’ve changed your mind, just like that … I'm sorry, you’re too late, the ads gone out … I've noted your interest in the position and we’ll let you know.”

Adam storms off.

Jennifer’s appalled at Brian. He still couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks:

[Brian] “After the way he’s behaved, all that song and dance, he can’t just expect to stroll back in!”

[Jennifer] “You’re not going to let him go! Oh Brian!”

When Adam tells Ian:

[Ian] “He’s lacking a few people skills, but he’s not stupid.”

Ian reckons Adam is too good at his job for Brian to be serious about choosing someone else over him.

Adam reckons not. He might have pushed Brian to the point where Brian would be glad to get rid of him.

[Ian] “Given the history here, he wasn’t going to welcome you back with open arms.”

Adam’s only hope now is Debbie. Though a tough lady, she's seemingly not into Brian’s power games.


Vicky’s fluttering

As Mike gets coffee in bed from Vicky (and a promise of breakfast in bed to follow), Vicky tells him that she might have felt a kick last night:

[Vicky] “Just a little flutter you know … well, they do say after 18, 19 weeks.”

I do hope that baby will be born okay …


Harry’s bisexual; bad news for Mike

As Mike gets his rare morning in bed, he’s looking forward to getting his workers back at dinner time.

[Mike] “Get their shifts sorted. I don’t want to have to do extra anymore.”

(Those of us who eavesdrop in on Ambridge Extra knew what was coming next …)

Mile and Vicky hear the sound of the letterbox. When Mike goes to see what’s happening, he finds a letter, and sees Fallon driving off in her van.

She’s posted a letter from Harry (then legged it).

[Mike] “You know what Harry’s done … he’s not coming back, ever, and do you know why?”

Actually. Yes. Vicky does know. She’s a modern kinda gal, you see:

[Vicky] “Mike look, it’s here on his Facebook see … and who’s that with him?”

[Mike, reading Harry’s Facebook page] “Grant?”

[Vicky] “His old boyfriend from when he was at uni …”

[Mike] “Boyfriend!”

[Vicky] “They met up again on holiday, now they’re back together.”

[Mike] “I don’t get it …”

[Vicky] “Isn’t it just so romantic, after all those years, oh it’s so sweet, you can see how much in love they are.”

[Mike] “So all this time, Harry’s been …”

[Vicky] “Oh come on, you’re not so surprised are you, he’s such a sweet and sensitive boy, I always wondered … oh Mike, you’re so old fashioned, that girl was never right for him that’s all. But now he’s back with his true love, and all because the van broke down in Cumbria … if that’s not fate … such a happening, like a fairy tale.”

[Mike] “What about me? Where am I going to find another milkman!”

Goodness, I do like Vicky (sometimes!).

Doesn’t bat an eyelid about Harry coming out. She’s just delighted he’s found his love.

And bless Mike as well.

All he’s really interested in is work …


Brian’s hardly magnanimous …

On the phone to Debbie:

[Brian] “No, I’m not being petty, yes of course I’ll do what’s best for the farm. As long as Adam understands …”

When he gets off the phone, he tells Jennifer:

[Brian] “She agrees with me, she’s also pretty fed up with him acting the prima donna …”

BUT Debbie also concurs that they’d be mad to let Adam go.

[Brian] “Apart from the whole family thing, we’d be hard pushed to find anyone as good … I’ll go down and find him later and say we’ll have him back … I was going to do it anyway, I just wanted to make him sweat a bit.”

[Jennifer] “And you will be, um, diplomatic about it, won’t you?”

[Brian] “Diplomatic? When am I ever anything else?”

(ha!)

[Brian to Adam] “So I’m willing to stop the ad, and tear up any replies I get … well, apart from anything else, it’ll save me and Debbie a lot of paperwork …your sudden change of heart, it caught me on the hop. You can see why I had to have time to adjust,”

Here’s the ‘but’ …

[Brian] “There is one important caveat, if this is going to work, I’ll expect you to be 100% full committed to the job … so I want to see some enthusiasm, a nice happy positive attitude, no more moaning and dragging your feet …”

In other words – shut up, get your work done, and say nothing else negative about the Super Dairy.

Of course, that makes Adam say that he needs more time to think. Though he manages not to shout to Brian, he can’t quite stomach having to grovel. Not yet.

[Adam to Ian] “He wants me to get down and lick his boots.”

[Ian] “Okay, well that’s some sort of progress … you’ve still got a job to go tomorrow morning …”

Ian wants to celebrate with some fizz, but Adam’s not as yet ready to party.

Which is fair enough. I wouldn’t want to celebrate is grovelling to Adam was on my ‘to do’ list.


Polish night at Ian and Adam’s … with Pavel

Oh dear.

Ian’s insisting that they have their champagne tomorrow. And that they invite Pavel round to help celebrate. Seems Ian’s been trying some of Pavel’s     grandmother’s recipes, so wants to have a proper Polish night.

[Ian] “Come on, no arguments, it’ll be more fun with the three of us. I’ll text him now.”

Oh dear.

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

Odds shorten on Ian kicking Adam out, Adam leaving Ambridge, Ian staying put.

Cheerio Harry!: Thurs 09.08.12

Ambridge Extra Thursday 9th August 2012

• The morning after the night before (Fallon’s tale)
• The morning after the night before (Kirsty’s tale)
• Jazzer’s never heard of “Bi”
• Harry’s theory of bisexuality
• Jazzer really does love Fallon
• Grant really does love Harry
• No more Milkman Harry?

The morning after the night before (Fallon’s tale)

Fallon wakes up next to Jazzer …

[Fallon] “Oh, Jazzer. Jazzer! Oh god!”

Fallon tries to make a run for it back up to the cottage (they’re still in the van). Jazzer wants to accompany her, but she claims she’s feeling a bit rough.

[Jazzer] “Oh dear, heid banging?”

[Fallon] “I think I’m going to be made to suffer today …”

[Jazzer] “Are you sure you don’t want me to hold your hair back for you?”

Oh dear.

Doesn’t sound like Fallon’s night of passion with Jazzer has made her very happy …


The morning after the night before (Kirsty’s tale)

As Fallon rushes into the cottage, she bumps into Kirsty.

Who slept on the couch. Fallon’s quite surprised. She thought Kirsty would be in the one bedroom with at least one of the chaps.

[Kirsty] “Making  a complete fool of myself more like. There I was, laying out the goods for Grant … it wasn’t me he was interested in at all.”

Just then, Harry and Grant come downstairs, naked.

(they rush back up when they realise Fallon and Kirsty were there – though why they thought everyone would be outside at the van, I don’t know)

[Kirsty] “Need any more explanations … I realised I was surplus to requirements.”

[Fallon] “But Harry, he’s …”

[Kirsty] “Apparently not. or at least not entirely. I spent the entire evening flaunting myself like a desperate drunken gooseberry.”

Oh dear.

Kirsty also isn’t feeling very happy after harry and Grant’s night of passion.


Jazzer’s never heard of “Bi”

How?

I thought Jazzer was a proper man about town.

[Jazzer] “No no, this is some sort of wind up. You’ve all got together and though let’s have a good laugh at Jazzer and make him believe Harry and his mate are a pair of …”

[Kirsty] “It’s true.”

[Jazzer] “You mean he plays for the other team? … I’m no buying it. Look at Zofia, he was head over heels.”

[Kirsty] “It is possible he’s bi.”

[Jazzer] “Bi?”

[Kirsty] “Bisexual.”

[Jazzer] “But I share a flat with the guy, I rob his shower gel. What if he’s been …”

[Kirsty] “By the look of Grant, you’re not exactly his type.”

[Jazzer, offended] “What do you mean?”

Jazzer soon calmed down when he was brought a full English:

[Grant] “I’ve cooked loads, so if you fancy an extra sausage …”

[Jazzer] “I’m fine.”

Oh ho!

Thought I’d stumbled into a Carry On for a moment there.


Harry’s theory of bisexuality

We always knew there was something about Harry. Not necessarily odd. Just something he wasn’t telling us.

Well, there we are.

[Harry] “If anything, I’m 60:40 … come on, don’t tell me you’ve never looked at another woman and though ‘phworagh’ ?”

[Fallon] “I guess. Occasionally.”

[Harry] “So you’re what, 95: 5.”

Harry tells Fallon that Grant’s the man for him. Well, at least he hasn’t met another man that’s interested him as much. Grant is, Harry says, 0:100 (gay).


Jazzer really does love Fallon

When Kirsty spotted that neither Fallon nor Jazzer looked like they’d had much sleep, Fallon made some excuse about them both falling asleep by 11pm.

Jazzer gets up and leaves to go check on the van. He says he’s hungry, but obviously needs to get his head round the fact that Fallon obviously doesn’t want anyone to know what’s happened between them.

Fallon goes after him to apologise.

[Fallon] “It was all just a bit mad, I’d had a few, I’d gone on a downer …”

[Jazzer] “I wish you’d stop fretting. I know it was only a one night thing.”

[Fallon] “But I don’t want you to think I took advantage.”

[Jazzer] “I cannae change the way I feel about you, last night’s gonnae rank up there as one of the best nights of my life … if one night’s all I’m gonnae get, well then I’m already a luckier man than I ever thought I would be. I’d much rather we’d stay good friends.”

So – Fallon knows Jazzer loves her. Jazzer admits he loves her. Fallon knows last night was a HUGE deal for him, but she doesn’t feel the same way for him as he does for her. Though, right here and now, she wishes she could.

[Jazzer] “I still showed you a good time, didn’t ah … it’s our secret. I  promise. I won’t breathe a word.”

It’s not often Jazzer promises something and I believe him. This time I do.


Harry really does love Grant

Kirsty had a point when she said Harry dropping back into Grant’s life was the most romantic thing she’d ever heard.

Imagine. You’re quietly sat in your wee cottage, in the back of beyond, and the great love of your life just happens to pop by.

[Kirsty] “At least someone got what they wanted last night.”

Grant and Harry take a wee walk with the dog, to have a chat.

Grant tells Harry that there also hasn’t been a man since him. Just a few “near misses”.

[Grant] “Losing you, was the worst mistake I ever made.”

Seems Grant dumped Harry. He could handle Harry around women – felt he couldn’t compete. He knows know that it doesn’t work like that.

[Grant] “If we were together now, it would be so much different.”

No more Milkman Harry?

As Jazzer gets the van ready to try and make it to Edinburgh:

[Jazzer] “Of course, I’m no some ponce you doesn’t know his spark plugs fae his spare wheel, I mean, no that you …”

[Grant] “Isn’t the spare wheel the one you drive with Harry?”

[Harry] “Oh no no, that’s the gear stick!”

Kirsty tells Grant to come see them in Ambridge, but that rather depends on Harry …

[Jazzer] “Should have known when I seen they posters of cyclists on your wall. It wasnae just their wheel trims you were interested in.”

[Kirsty] “Filth! Just ignore him Harry.”

Harry tells them to stop driving.

[Harry] “I have to take this chance … if I don’t, I’ll only wonder what if …”

And he runs back to Grant.

Now, I don’t know if it was Harry’s love for Grant that made him make them stop the van, or the realisation that Jazzer is a numpty sometimes (!), but either which way p could that be Harry gone from Ambridge?

Harry’s Bisexual, Jazzer shags Fallon: Tues 07.08.12

(sorry to be so blunt, but that’s exactly how it went!)

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 7th August 2012

• Jazzer’s boozing, Fallon’s jealous and the van’s knackered
• The village of Shap
• Will Harry reveal to be a serial killer?
• Hello Grant!
• Fallon and Jazzer, in a van
• Kirsty, Harry and Grant play spin the bottle

Jazzer’s boozing, Fallon’s jealous and the van’s knackered

[Jazzer] “The map reader is thirsty … hurry up, I demand to have some booze!”

(ah, didn’t take Jazzer as a fan of Withnail and I)

[Kirsty] “Give me one as well Harry, a beer I mean.”

Kirsty’s just having a laugh, but Fallon sees it as something quite different.

[Fallon, pretending to be Kirsty] “ ‘Oh Harry, isn’t Fallon silly, did I mention I’m single?’ “

[Jazzer] “You're no still doey eyed over wonder boy are you? I thought you’d be over him by noo.”

[Fallon] “It sounds as if they’ve high.”

But then the van thumps, and they have to pull onto the hard shoulder.

Fallon lets her green monster out.

[Fallon] “The idea was to get me and Harry together!”

[Kirsty] “We’re only keeping ourselves entertained.”

Friends again, they get back in the van. Harry knows a nearby village …


The village of Shap

Is somewhere in Cumbria (near Penrith, Harry said). Harry knows it very well indeed. He even has a friend there. So they decide to get to get to Harry’s friend, in Shap, to see if they can get their van fixed.

But he’s sounding a bit shifty about who the friend is, and why he’s never mentioned hi, before …


Will Harry reveal to be a serial killer?

As they drive into Shap:

[Kirsty] “I’ve lost the (mobile phone) signal.”

[Jazzer] “That’s it then, we’re doomed. I reckon this was Harry plan all along …Lure us oot into the middle of nowhere then murder us!”

[Harry] “Oh shut up.”

On Harry’s friend:

[Jazzer] “Probably some nutter who wears his mother’s skin for a dress … This is where he sacrifices us on a bare rock.”

Hello Grant!

[Kirsty] “Ooh, hey there!”

Well, we can take from Kirsty’s response that Grant is quite a looker.

He seems friendly chap. He immediately welcomes them, and offers them to stay the night. Which everyone is most decidedly grateful for.

Then he starts tells tales of he and Harry’s university days (that’s how they know each other).

Skinny dipping.

Oh aye!

And he suggests they all have a go.

[Grant, rather wistfully] “It’d be like old times Harry.”

Interesting.


Fallon and Jazzer, in a van

(rather than up a tree. Far more sensible)

Jazzer soon tired of Harry and Grant’s Uni stories.

Fallon was still convinced Kirsty was “all over” Harry (despite Kirsty more adamantly and clearly saying she doesn’t even fancy him. What sort of mate would she be to go after him, even if she did?).

So they both end up back out at the van.

[Fallon] “This trip’s a disaster before it’s even started.”

[Jazzer] “He’s no worth it. Seriously, if he’s too much of a numpty to see what’s in front of him.”

[Fallon] “Well it doesn’t look like he’s having any trouble now. Meanwhile, I’m sat up on my shelf.”

[Jazzer] “Don’t talk mince. You could have anybody you wanted.”

[Fallon] “Except Harry.”

[Jazzer] “That’s cause he’s a numpty … there’s nothing wrang wae you, you’re perfect!”

[Fallon] “It’s never going to happen. Why does nobody love me Jazzer … it’s not like I’m a minger. And I'm funny … and I can pull a pint. What else can a man want?”

Later, we hear (what sounds like) Jazzer kissing Fallon.

[Jazzer] “You’ve got such soft hair.”

[Fallon] “You’re always so lovely to me. And there I am pining over some guy who is never going to be interested, and all my dumb dreams of becoming a star …”

[Jazzer] “You are a star.”

[Fallon] “See, you think I’m special just for being me. Makes me wonder if I’ve got it all wrong …”

Fallon demands more booze, which Jazzer tries to suggest wouldn’t be a good idea (blimey!). They kiss.

[Jazzer] “Sorry, I cannae, you’re drunk and you're upset.”

[Fallon] “I’m not a child. I appreciate you being all gentlemanly. Just be the same as you are with any other girl. Jazzer. Just be you.”

Next we hear is more kissing, and the sound of a zip being taken down …

Goodness me!


Kirsty, Harry and Grant play spin the bottle

Now, that’s always a dangerous game for adults to play. Truth will out …

[Kirsty] “Why, what are you hiding?”

When Grant leaves the room for a moment, Kirsty says to Harry that Grant reminds her of Patrick. Except Grant’s hot.

(I was wondering why Patrick and Kirsty never got it together)

Back to the truth …

Kirsty spins, it lands at Grant and he chooses truth.

She asks him why he and Harry haven’t been in touch for such a long time.

Harry says that just had a falling out.

[Harry] “Well, anyway, I wish it had never happened.”

[Grant] “Me too … there’s not a day goes by I don’t regret it.”

[Kirsty, sensing it was more than just a ‘usual’ tiff between mates] “Wow, what was it?”

She guesses it was a love triangle.

[Kirsty] “Who was she?”

[Harry] “But it wasn’t a girl.”

[Kirsty] “What do you mean it wasn’t a girl … oh …”

And there we have it.

Harry’s secret.

He’s bisexual.

There. That wasn’t so difficult, was it?

Off to The Fringe: Thurs 02.08.12

Ambridge Extra Thursday 2nd August 2012

• Lager or cushions?
• Fallon does indeed have dishonourable intentions
• Phoebe noticed where Ruairi came from
• And Kirsty makes four

Lager or cushions?
Jazzer wants to take crates of booze, and spirits, with them in their teeny tiny van because he doesn’t want to pay Edinburgh prices.

(ahem … I seem to recall The Bull is none too cheap neither!)

Harry’s packed more practically. Jazzer is not impressed.

[Jazzer] “We’re going to Scotland, not trekking across outer Mongolia. And why have you got cushions?”

[Harry] “To make the van comfortable. I brought fairy lights as well.”

[Jazzer] “Fairy lights! Oh gaes us  a break!”

[Harry] “Well, we need to be able to see at night.”

[Jazzer] “I’m sorry pal, but there’s no room. We need to make space for the beer … We don’t need your scatter cushions!”

When Harry tries to take half of Jazzer’s beer out of the van:

[Jazzer] “It's a road trip, you Jessie, the whole point is to get bladdered!”

(is it just me, or is Jazzer being a tad more macho, and verging more and more on homophobic, these days. Over compensating?)

But Fallon loves Harry’s fairy lights. Doesn’t seem to make her think he’s less of a man.

[Harry] “I had made a kind of bunkette.”

[Jazzer] “Bunkette! … I suppose you’ll be wanting a hammock and some joss sticks an a … it’s worse than when he’s poncing about the flat.”

Fallon leaves them to it.


Fallon does indeed have dishonourable intentions

[Fallon] “This trip was just meant to be me and Harry. There’s no chance Cupid will fire his arrow if Jazzer is standing in the way.”

Though it’s an anxious time.

Kenton hasn’t sorted out cover for Kirsty’s shifts, so she may not be able to come alone to distract Jazzer (not in ‘that’ way. Kirsty’s far too good for the likes of Jazzer!).


Phoebe noticed where Ruairi came from

Mike takes Phoebe fishing.

He’s doing a bit of fishing himself.

[Mike] “So, nothing else happened while you were over there, did it … you just seem a  bit, well, you ain't your old self.”

[Phoebe] “You haven’t seen me for a year … really granddad, I’m fine.”

After landing a fine brown trout (and putting it back rather than grilling it), Phoebe asks Mike if he still loves Betty.

[Phoebe] “You still really love nana, don’t you?”

[Mike] “Yeah, of course, just cause she ain’t here no more, don’t stop me remembering all those wonderful year we had to together. Why do you ask?”

[Phoebe] “Nothing. It’s nice …”

Phoebe’s been wondering what life would have been like if Roy and Kate had stayed together.

(oh the humanity!)

[Phoebe] “It’s like people say they’ll always loved each other … even granny and granddad haven’t always loved each other. Granddad had Ruairi with another woman. I bet granny never wanted to bring up a little boy at her age.”

[Mike] “No, but they’re all right now ain't they?”

[Phoebe] “I just don’t understand why people have to lie to each other, especially the people they’re supposed to care about the most.”

Mike tells her about relationships being about downs as well as ups. That things can happen when not expected. Mistakes. Folks lie to avoid hurting other folks.

[Mike] “You never know what life's going to throw at you.”

(indeed. Like a baby)


And Kirsty makes four

Though Jazzer only got to go on the trip to Edinburgh as the mechanic, the van’s broken again.

Though he does get it working, it sounds quite dodgy indeed.

[Jazzer] “What was that, thank you Jazzer, you’re my hero, ah, you are welcome!”

(I think Fallon was half wishing the van wouldn’t start, Kirsty still hadn’t shown up)

Jazzer’s happy enough, though.

[Jazzer] “Spend all day getting blootered, then pass out in the space I’ve cleared!”

Just as they’re about to get on the road, Kirsty turns up.

[Jazzer] “Ach, she’s only wee, the mair the merrier!”

So it’s boys in the back, girls in the front. That way that can chat amongst themselves …

[Fallon] “We might even get to see harry without his cycling shorts on!”

[Kirsty] “Speak for yourself K!”

While the boys:

[Jazzer] “Well that’s double our chances. We’ve got one each now.”

[Harry] “Oh don’t be foul!”

Jazzer reckons Harry needs to get over Zofia. Harry won’t share his cushions (now that Jazzer is in the van, he’s realised how uncomfortable it is).

And with that, they’re off!

[Jazzer] “I’ll show you what a civilised country looks like.”

Jazzer claims he has dignity: Tues 24.07.12

The Archers Tuesday 24th July 2012

• Kenton just wanted to read the papers
• Did Jolene sound odd to you?
• The Flame bearers
• To visit Edinburgh, ones needs a Glaswegian
• The actors have arrived
• The Bull’s team gets a head start    
• How did that sound like Wuthering Heights?
• Eddie’s special burger

Kenton just wanted to read the papers

It’s Kenton’s day off. He wants to “chillax” with a newspaper.

Jolene reckons Jill’s actually doing on the work.

[Jolene] “Come on Kenton, time to get your act together!”

Just as Kenton is about to escape Lynda’s wittering about her actors, he’s nabbed by Fallon and Harry, who are keen to get practicing for the Fete games. And they need Kenton for that. Being the mentor and manager of The Bull’s team.

[Jazzer] “I wouldnae fight it pal.”

Jolene even had Kenton’s training kit washed and ironed.

After the training:

[Kenton] “Right, that’s it. I’m off to chillax with the paper.”

But, just as Kenton’s about to head off to “wine, Miles Davis and the paper”, Wayne phones to talk to Jolene. So, Jolene needs Kenton to look after the bar.

But Kenton really isn’t that bothered. He’s looking forward to his forthcoming trip to New Zealand.

(when is that happening? And what did Wayne want?)


Did Jolene sound odd to you?

She did so to me.

Slightly clearer in tone.

Odd.


The Flame bearers

At the ‘Ambridge games’ will be Amy Franks, Alice Carter, Milly Button and Christine.

[Lynda] “And I was wondering about Hilary Noakes … she’s volunteered.”

Sounds ominous.


To visit Edinburgh, ones needs a Glaswegian

Jazzer’s sense of logic considers to stagger.

[Jazzer] “The thing about Edinburgh is, you’ve got to watch your back. We Glaswegians, we have the bad reputation, but we know better you see … you could do with someone with local knowledge along wae you.”

[Harry] “Jazzer, it’s an internationally famous event. It’s just full of people out to get rich cultural experiences.”

[Jazzer] “That’s exactly my point, you could get fleeced if you don’t know you don’t know your way aboot … and what about the cafs, you could end up spending a fortune.”

Harry reckons they’ll just take food back to the van. Jazzer changes tact:

[Jazzer] “That’s daft, You’d be missing out big time … Look at me as your local tour adviser, dedicated to enhancing your holiday experience.”

But of course, we all know Jazzer’s real reason for wanting to go. He’s worried Harry and Fallon will (finally) become an item.

Jazzer fancies Fallon. Fallon fancies Harry. Harry seemed to fancy Fallon, but then (without a word of explanation) went off her.

When Harry and Fallon are out of earshot, Jazzer asks Jolene which of them had the idea to go to Edinburgh (if it’s Harry, he can punch him. Fallon’s, he’ll weep).

[Jazzer] “I wouldn't have thought it would hae been Harry’s. Not enough sweat and lycra involved.”

Jolene can’t help but be a bit wicked. She tells Jazzer just how small the camper van is. Especially with two sleeping in there …

But it’s all academic.

Jazzer can’t go, as Mike can’t have both Jazzer and Harry off the milk round at the same time.


The actors have arrived    

What a rare occurrence that is in The Archers …

Lynda’s acting troupe has arrived to practice their performance art.

[Lynda] “I don’t want to miss Seth’s proclamation … in touch with the unseen presences around us. Yes, I know it sounds strange … it’s a sort of deep thought, for example, beside the phone box, he asks us all to tune in to the myriad conversations that still hover round the air around it … it releases a huge amount of creativity.”

[Kenton] “What a bunch of nutters. I’m almost tempted to stay, but the armchair calls.”

The Bull’s team gets a head start    

Which is a wee bit unfair. Fine for them to train, but with the event organiser (who also happens to be in their team) is a bit of a cheat.

Mind you, Harry and Fallon do seem to be plotting their approach quite cannily. They’ve also managed to sidestepped Jazzer being on their team:

[Jazzer] “They tried their best, but a man has his dignity.”

(aye, right then!)

Back to the training:

[Kenton] “Come on your two, you’ve meant to be caterpillars not slugs. Put your backs into it.”

[Harry] “Someone better tell him caterpillars don’t have backs!”

The training seemed to go well enough.

[Harry] “Finally cracked the caterpillar wriggle, it’s all in the hip action.”

How did that sound like Wuthering Heights?

At one point tonight, Lynda’s actors started playing music.

I thought it sounded like early bagpipes. Or medieval court music, at best.

Kenton thought different:

[Kenton] “Sounds like they’re remaking wuthering heights!”

Eh?

I didn’t realise Emily wrote a soundtrack as well.

And not even Kate Bush ever sounded that bad …

Once they were done making a racket, the actors seemed to disappear.

[Jolene] “Seth’s incantations created a black hole, and they’ve all been sucked in!”

Well nearly. Eddie managed to snag them off to his cider club.

The verdict on what the village has seen so far of the performance art?

[Kenton] “Well they are a little bit, pretentious … no one in the village has the slightest idea of what they’re on about.”

[Lynda] “I do, I assure you. As would anyone who bothered to listen to what they have to say!”

(that’ll be just you so far then, Lynda)


Eddie’s special burger

Eddie strong-armed Kenton into trying one of his special burgers.

Kenton sounded a bit scared. But after he’d tasted a bit, he said it had flavour. That it was “quite nice”.

Eddie tells Kenton its wild boar.

Kenton’s impressed.

Until:

[Kenton] “Where did you get the meat?”

[Eddie] “Ah, lucky chance. Road kill.”

Kenton beats a hasty retreat.

Tracey is frightfully rude to Emma: Mon 23.07.12

The Archers Monday 23rd July 2012

• Tracey pulls her punches
• Fallon and Harry return to go to Edinburgh
• Even Susan thinks Emma’s lying

Tracey pulls her punches

She went for purely verbal assaults instead.

[Tracey] “You can knock some sense into that spiteful daughter of yours!”

Seems Keith is at home, near suicidal with depression.

[Susan] “I can’t bear it, my daughter against my brother, what can I do?”

[Tracey] “She’s mad!”

Tracey reckons everyone knows Keith is innocent.

[Tracey] “Everyone knows it expect that vindictive daughter of yours.”

When Tracey later goes round to see Emma, to tell her to stop lying.

[Tracey] “You’ve built up this great big fantasy, it’s you that needs locking up, not Keith … what a  spiteful cow you are. Spiteful and malicious!”

Blimey. With an Aunt like that …


Fallon and Harry return to go to Edinburgh
How very odd.

We hadn’t heard from Harry nor Fallon for an age.

But up they pop today (right next to the secret microphones).

Harry’s bemoaning that everyone seems to have gone off on holiday. Though Fallon suggests he also heads off for a wee trip to the Milk Bottle Museum, he thinks he’ll just end up taking a holiday to watch the Olympics on telly.

Fallon’s next suggestion:

[Fallon] “A caravan in West super Mare and a bag full of 10 pence pieces, holiday sorted!”

Harry reckons he’s too skint to even afford that.

Then Fallon remembers she owns a camper van. Big enough for two …

[Harry] “Weston super Mare, here we come!”

Then they check what’s on:

[Harry] “Music and beer fest.”

[Fallon] “No thanks, potbellied blokes holding their pints up to the light … I get enough of that here.”

They want to go somewhere with life, music, culture … so they ask Kenton (!).

He suggest Edinburgh. He once went there with a mate:

[Kenton] “Yeah, and I think we left our mark!”

(he thankfully didn’t go into details)

So – they’ll be off to The Fringe. (The Fringe still strikes terror into my heart when it’s uttered … I survived 17 years of it as a local)

[Kenton] “Hmm Hmmm … you and Harry in a camper van, eh?”

Well spotted Kenton … Fallon might get her man after all!



Even Susan thinks Emma’s lying

After suffering the tirade from Tracey, Emma goes to tirade at Susan.

[Emma] “So, you still haven’t made up your mind, me or Keith?”

[Susan] “You can’t want Keith to go to prison love … It was someone who looked like Keith, maybe … I think you’ve built it up ... and now it’s a cast iron certainty … I know it’s a hard thing to admit, but can’t you accept the possibility that you could have got it wrong … it’s Keith’s future at stake … I’m sure in your heart you don’t want it to be him … the thing is, you’ve been wrong before … you swore blind that Ed was George’s father … you had us all going.”

[Emma] “This is nothing like that,. I saw him mum!”

[Susan] “You saw someone … maybe you just persuaded yourself it was Keith …”

Oh – Susan was cheeky to mention George’s paternity!

But she has a point.

Emma’s very good at convincing herself, then convincing everyone else …

Harry returns to place the crown 31.05.12

The Archers Thursday 31st May 2012

• Harry’s back
• Up a ladder
• Blokes’ chat
• Pip’s no a girl to be on film
• It’ll take a lot of wood to build that Beacon
• Vicky really does want to retire
• Silver Jubilee memories
• Lost to Darrington

Harry’s back

Phew! He had me worried there. He hadn’t been anywhere, just ever so silent for so long.


Up a ladder

Harry’s only been back a few seconds, and Vicky already has him in a position where she can admire his bum!

She asks him to go up a ladder to fix a crown she’s made onto the top of the phone box.

[Clarrie] “Clever eh, padded radiator foil stuck on card”

[Harry] “Yeah very, eh, innovative”

When Harry makes a suggestion to improve the crown:

[Vicky] “Oh, you’re not just a buff pair of cycle shorts, are you?”

Blokes’ chat

[Spencer] “Alright mate”

[Harry] “Oh, hi Spencer”

[Spencer] “What you doing?”

[Harry] “Isn’t it obvious?”

[Spencer] “Well, no”

[Harry] “Making a crown for the phone box”

[Spencer] “I think you want to get out more mate”

[Harry] “Hmm, you’re not wrong”

Pip’s no a girl to be on film

[Pip] “Oh dad, you said you’d never do this … you hate them!”

[David] “Well, needs must”

[Pip] “I don’t; want to live in a prison. But why, dad?”

[David] “Times changes”

[Pip] “What next, a ten foot security fence … it’s so creepy  ... it’s bad enough being spied upon in town, but I live here”

When David, Josh and Ben are looking at the camera – trying to work out who someone is that’s just come onto the Farm. David sounds panicky, but it’s just Spencer:

[Ben] “No it’s not; it’s the beast of Haydn wood!”

Pip later says to Spencer that she knows something’s afoot that David and Ruth aren’t telling her. She knows it’s something to do with Adam, but thinks it more about David having also found Nigel. Sounds like she thinks he’s lost the plot.

I thought David and Ruth had decided to tell Pip as she’s the most at risk?


It’ll take a lot of wood to build that Beacon
Two sessions, Mike reckons.


Vicky really does want to retire

Which is fair enough.

She and Mike are having a wee time out on Lakey Hill.

[Mike] “It's good to have the time to stop and stare”

[Vicky] “We don’t have enough down time together, do we”

Hint hint …

Vicky says she’s looking forward to Mike retiring. And wonders if Harry would want to buy into the bottling plant.

[Mike] “It’ll be nice to have a bit of time for me”

[Vicky] “Us. We’ll have a fantastic time together”

Ah – but that’s where there could be trouble. Mike sees his retirement being in front of a flat screen TV. Vicky wants to dance, go in for competitions, do Zumba …

[Mike] “Well the over 60s put on some nice coach trips …”

[Vicky, ignoring Mike’s mention of bus trips] “There’s an extra’s agency opened up in Felpersham, we could be on telly”

Vicky sees television competitions. Win big, And jet off to Dubai.

Mike sounds like he just wants his slippers!

[Vicky] “Oh, we’ve got so much to look forward to”

[Mike] “Spending time with the grandkids”

[Vicky] “Oh, I hope that won’t mean less time for me, Mr Bubbles”

[Mike] “Oh never, Mrs Bubbles”

Silver Jubilee memories

[Vicky] “Rowena Ballam pelted me with jelly at our street party”

And Mike lit the Beacon at the very spot they’re now sitting on.


Lost to Darrington

Did the Ambridge cricket team. Though Harry reckons they at least gave them a fright. Probably just with how bad they are …

[Harry] “We should be proud of ourselves. Ifty calls us a work in progress”

Lynda goes on a Bloomin’ rampage 15.05.12

The Archers Tuesday 15th May 2012

• Poly tunnels excite Tom
• The pig arks need moved … again!
• Adam and Jennifer give Darrell their thumbs up
• Prison or the mother of your victim?
• Don’t worry about the farm
• Lynda is doing odd things in the cemetery
• Grubbed pasture
• Harry didn’t get his shirt off
• An elder statesman or stateswoman required
• Lynda’s badly misbehaving
• Elona’s definitely an honest ‘un

Poly tunnels excite Tom

[Tom] “It’s arrived!”

[Jazzer] “My delivery for the playboy mansion? … aye, I saw the grin on your face. Only you could look that excited about a ploy tunnel”

The pig arks need moved … again!

Really – anyone know if pig arks need moved every other week?

It seems to be the only thing Tom ever tells Jazzer to do.

Jazzer’s none too happy about having to do it today. Tom suspects he has a hangover, but Jazzer reckons it’s just because he’s been up early doing the mil round (surely he does that most days?).


Adam and Jennifer give Darrell their thumbs up

[Darrell] “Takes more than a whack over the head to see this one, eh!”

Adam is out having a slow wander with Jennifer, stopping to have a chat with his near neighbour Darrell.

Adam reckons he’s sweet, Jennifer that he seems like a good chap.

Wonder if Jennifer would still think that if she knew he had a record …


Prison or the mother of your victim?

I reckon most would choose prison every time. Especially when that mother happens to be Jennifer Aldridge.

The nasty blokes who attacked Adam are on remand. They’ll face a court trial fairly soon.

[Jennifer] “Well, when they get one, I hope they throw away the key!”

[Adam] “Perhaps we should set you on them mum, then they’ll get what they deserve”

Don’t worry about the farm

Is what Brian and Jennifer keep telling Adam – but they’re the ones who keep mentioning it,

Seems the bloke who’s been hired to help I settling in well. Two of the deer have had calves, and the herd’s ear tagging is going well.


Lynda is doing odd things in the cemetery

Really, is there anything Lynda could do that would surprise us?

She’s been gathering broken eggshells. The broken eggshells mean the peregrines’ eggs are hatching. Lynda’s trying to work out how many chicks they have from the shells.

Well, that’s reasonable enough, I’d say.


Grubbed pasture

[Tom] “Ed had his pasture grubbed up, he thought one of the pigs might have escaped”

But no, all of Tom’s pigs are present and correct.

What could be doing that then? The Ambridge Beast …?


Harry didn’t get his shirt off

What a horrid man he is! Sabrina’s been on heat for months and months … all for nothing.

[Jazzer] “Did I tell ye, about Harry and Sabrina Thwaite? He did his lady Chatterley act for her … on her flower beds, for the promises auction, made sure his husband was away … not that she got her money’s worth, he kept his shirt on, mair fool him”

Poor Sabrina.

Though a good day for her husband Richard, I’d say.

(and again, why isn’t Harry speaking at the moment? Not like him to leave Jazzer to tell his business)


An elder statesman or stateswoman required

To cut the giant cake at the Jubilee.

Apply to Lynda Snell.


Lynda’s badly misbehaving

Lynda had earlier tried to corner Adam, but he and Jennifer had pleaded that he was tired and needed rest.

So, Lynda later went round his house. She didn’t take the hint, then.

He tells her again that he’s tired. But she’s not listening.

[Lynda] “Have you any plans for your front garden? … do you think you might spruce up? … It needn’t be too taxing. And gardening can be wonderfully therapeutic”

We didn’t get to hear Adam’s reply …

Next, we can hear Lynda and Tom having a rather loud and terse discussion, while we’re actually over at Elona and Darrell’s eavesdropping on their conversation.

[Lynda] “You see, I’m only referring to the parts of your garden that face the Green”

Lynda points out that The Bull and the Village shop will be perfect. Tom points out that they’re businesses. She then points out that Christine and Jim will also be perfect. Tom points out that they’re retired. He and Brenda work, and work all hours.

(well, Tom does. I’m sure Brenda could spare a few hours after she’s done making Matt and Lilian’s coffee)

[Lynda] “Even Adam’s agreed. Yes Tom. Even Adam. And I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be the one to spoilt it”

Tom tries to use Tony’s heart attack as an excuse (actually, it’s a fair one. Tom has to work extra to allow Tony to ease himself back into work gently).

[Lynda] “Maybe you should think of it as time to relax!”

Relax? Tom reckons he barely has time to breathe.

They’ve hit an impasse – until Darrell and Elona pop over. I thought they were about to complain about the noise, but they’re over to offer to do Tom and Brenda’s garden for them. Seems Elona has green fingers (but she also has at least 2 jobs … the busier helping the busy, it would seem).

[Lynda] “That’s what Britain in Bloom ought to be about, people pulling together to help one another, even when they’re still relatively new to the community. Upstanding citizens”

That’s the third resident to give Darrell and Elona their okay today. This must be heading to a great reveal of Darrell’s past.


Elona’s definitely an honest ‘un

Darrell’s chuffed that Matt is going to give him some regular work, 2 or 3 days a week at least.

Elona’s not so chuffed. Though they need the work, she’s not happy that Matt only pays Darrell cash in hand. She wants Darrell to talk to Matt about it, to make it a proper arrangement.

[Darrell] “I can’t. It’s none of my business”

The badgers are to be vaccinated 25.01.12

The Archers Wednesday 25th January 2011

• Jolene’s being tactful
• To kill or cure the badgers?
• Jolene jealous of Jaxx?
• Jim doesn’t see Harry’s sex appeal
• Even 5 pints doesn’t buy Brian friends

Jolene’s being tactful

[Jolene] “What’s said in the pub, stays in the pub”

She’s saying that to Brian who, after hearing from Jennifer that folks think he’s hiding, has made a point of coming in for a pint.

He’s asking Jolene what folks have been saying about the Super Dairy, but Jolene has her landlady code.


To kill or cure the badgers?

The NFU, chaired by David, arte having their meeting at The Bull upstairs to discuss badgers.

Mike already sets his stall out.

He doesn’t want to vaccinate. He reckons he had to get out of dairying because of badgers.

Oliver, on the other hand, has been to see another area who has been vaccinating. Seems that it has been a success – fourfold reduction in badgers testing positive.

To vaccinate – they need to put down traps, which are hidden from sight, numbered and recorded, unlocked and left with peanuts in. When the badger is in there, it gets vaccinated, stock marked, recorded and released. Which comes at a £7,911 year cost annualised, per hectare £51 to £38 pounds, and £62 per field per hour.

Even after hearing the numbers – and it’d be them, the farmers, having to get up early to check the traps – they all vote to start vaccinating.

Blimey!

Oliver must have been very persuasive.

Though Mike still isn’t convinced.

And David is saying nothing. Seems he can’t, as NFU Chair … he must have drawn blood biting his lip!

So next step is to get a dozen landowners to share the cost (good luck, Brian reckons), and Ed will go on a course.

The badgers will be happy.


Jolene jealous of Jaxx?

It’s only the first time Jaxx has done Farmhouse Breakfast Week – and they’re doing a storm!

Although someone else a few days ago said The Bull was also busy with Farmhouse Breakfasts, sounds like Jolene thinks Jaxx is doing better.

Uh-oh.

Trouble for the young lovers?


Jim doesn’t see Harry’s sex appeal

Jim is still on the hunt for Promises for the Britain in Bloom fundraising.

He’s a bit annoyed that he’s getting non-specific Promises from folks.

Like Harry.

Seems he’s said he’ll do four hours of gardening. Jim doesn’t feel that’s detailed enough.

[Jim] “He’s a nice enough young chap, but it’s not as if he had anything special to offer”

[Jolene] “Well, I wouldn’t say that”

[Harry] “Has he hidden talents that I don’t know about?”

[Jolene] “He wouldn’t appeal to you, but I think he’ll attract a lot of bidders. Kirsty is already saving …”

[Jim] “Kirsty? But she’s in the wildlife trust, she can’t possibly need any help in her garden”

As, bless Jim. He may be The Prof, but he doesn’t spot a woman in heat!

Wonder if Kirsty is buying Harry for Fallon?

Hard to tell. Though we have heard from Fallon over Christmas time, Kirsty has been quiet of late, and Harry hasn’t been heard of since he bagged Zofia (though Zofia went back home ages ago).


Even 5 pints doesn’t buy Brian friends

Brian was at part of the badger meeting, but left before the end to get the pints in for ‘the lads’. Well, he’d only stumbled over the meeting anyway. And didn’t exactly find it riveting:

[Brian] “It livened up when someone suggested should just be able to shoot!”

Though Brian was in to show face and canvass ‘neutral’, he ends up with a Jim Vs Brian round 2 while the meeting was finishing:

[Jim] “I’m surprised you’re even taking an interest. Those cows in your dairy won’t even get to see the light of day, let alone a badger … the highest standards of an internment camp … prisoners are well fed, but they can still go mad when they’re locked up 24 hours a day.”

[Brian] “This is illogical. We’re not cows!”

[Jim] “Indeed we’re not. We have the gift of intelligence … what you’re proposing is philosophically untenable, the end justifies the means have never been the logical argument”

When David, Ed and Oliver come down from the meeting, they leave Brian to go and talk badger.
Brian starts talking to Mike – who seems to be in favour of the Super Dairy.

But then Mike does off to play darts with Darrell.

Leaving Brian alone.

[Brian] “They took their drinks and ran. I seem to be having that effect on people this evening … art least I can tell Jenny I tried. One for, one against”

Maybe if Brian was a bit more subtle, and less of a bore droning on about the Super Dairy, maybe folks would stop to talk to him.

The Archers Tuesday 8th November 2011: Welcome back Kylie

• Elona’s moving into No. 3
• All’s well with the Mart
• Harry is off to Poland
• Knickers in John’s bed
• Tony still isn’t being nice
• Kylie calls
• Jennifer’s dysfunctional family
• Falls to Lilian

Elona’s moving into No. 3

Let’s see if she does turn out to be a good ‘un …

But I am still hoping her teenage daughters play loud music to keep Tom up at night …


All’s well with the Mart

I was very worried about those electrics (!)


Harry is off to Poland

To see Zofia.

Not that we hear it from the man himself. It’s Susan, back gossiping (but obviously still very sad) at the village shop.


Knickers in John’s bed

Susan mentions Kylie and Sharon to Lilian, who takes a while to remember them. Then:

[Lilian] “Oh Sharon! The one who left her knickers in John’s bed … family legend!”

Tony still isn’t being nice

Jennifer bumps into Tony, and gives him a brace of pheasants (which she’d been intending to take to him anyway at Bridge Farm).

But, he’s not very forthcoming with gratitude. In fact, he’s downright rude to her.

Very similar to the way Helen behaved to him in the exact same spot (outside the village shop) before Henry was born.

Must run in that part of the family – not being able to forgive and forget.

To rub salt into the wounds:

[Tony]”I expect you’ve seen Tom’s pig video on the internet, it’s been a huge success, getting thousands of hits … it all shows what you can do, how much you can achieve when the family works together to help each other out”

Tony! That’s shocking behaviour!

As if any of what you said was true – and it was hurtful enough to send Jennifer off very upset.

Enough already. You should have known not to expect much of Jennifer anyway when it comes to money – and she is your sister.


Kylie calls

She sounds alright.

Kylie was calling Susan to sort out her coming down for the funeral. As Kylie is coming down from Lancaster, she’ll need to stay overnight.

She was going to ask her granddad, but wasn’t sure if there would be room – and, of course, Susan offers her a room at hers.

Which is all fine and good.

So – nature or nurture?

Will Kylie be a good ‘un for real?


Jennifer’s dysfunctional family

That exchange with Tony has really hurt Jennifer.

She’s worried about her family not pulling together (as Tony claims his does).

Brian is rowing with Adam (well, Brian reckons it’s a “frank exchange of views”). Adam and Debbie are also rowing. And, Debbie is coming over this Friday but isn’t staying. Jennifer would have preferred her overnight so that they could have a family meal.

She brings up to Brian what Tony said:

[Jennifer] “How they’ve united in the face of adversity, while we’re all at each other’s throats”

Ah Jennifer, if only you knew. All you Archers – just the same when it comes down to it.


Falls to Lilian

Tony’s round at Lilian’s to talk about Peggy’s seating plan for her birthday lunch,.

Tony doesn’t want to sit next to Jennifer.

[Lilian] “Can’t we all try and behave like grown-ups, You’ve got my little loan to help you out, and it’s time to move on … If that what mum wants,. You’ll just have to deal with it darling”

But, Lilian is easily persuaded by Tony, so agrees to talk to Peggy. Without telling her that to9ny doesn’t want to sit next to Jennifer. So that she doesn’t have to explain what the fallout is about.

Ach well. A couple of gins first, and Lilian will wing it perfectly.

The Archers Friday 30th September 2011: Nic won’t take Will’s aggression

• Brian hit a pheasant
• Andrew’s upset Nic (again)
• Jolene’s organising the barn dance
• Kenton and Jolene’s love nest
• Harry’s scaring folks
• Tony tries Jennifer
• Clarrie doesn’t punch Derek Fletcher
• Will doesn’t know what he’s like

Brian hit a pheasant

And gave it to Will.

[Will] “It was a nice clean bang on the head … when it’s fresh road kill, there’s no shot to worry about”

Andrew’s upset Nic (again)

Seems he was on at her again about her wanting to know what’s going on in his life – and gave her a bit of a dressing down in front of the kids.

[Will] “He’s got a nerve … he can’t speak to you like that Nic!”

But Nic reckons that’s just what Andrew is like – and there’s no point in getting upset about it.

What’s more – she doesn’t want to hear Will getting all macho.

[Nic] “I can’t bear this … I can’t bear you being with Andrew like you’ve been with Ed … leave it Will, you don’t understand”

Jolene’s organising the barn dance

For the harvest supper.

I still don’t get why they didn’t just have the supper at The Bull again.

But Jolene doesn’t seem bothered.

Looks like The Bull is doing just fine at the moment.


Kenton and Jolene’s love nest

Jolene was telling Kenton that the offer to move in is still open. He can move in when he feels the time is right.

Kenton feels the time is right now.

And Elizabeth has given her blessing.

(how very generous of her!)


Harry’s scaring folks

His pining for Zofia is a wee bit off-putting.

[Jolene] “He seems to be able to clear a space around him in 30 seconds flat”

Tony tries Jennifer

Tony and Pat haven’t said it out loud – but looks like they’re now trying the Bank of Aldridge after their failed attempts at the Bank of Peggy.

Tony’s round seeing Jennifer (who is “quite hoarse after talking to Kate”)

[Tony] “It feels as if we’re staggering from one crisis to another”

Jennifer makes lots of sympathetic noises, and agrees that he and Pat really shouldn’t be hassling Peggy while she’s so stressed, but utterly; sidesteps Tony away from even being able to ask her if she and Brian would help.

[Jennifer] “Of course, these are difficult times for everyone, I’m afraid … well, do you want some more coffee Tony?”

So – Bank of Aldridge is not open either.

Who does that leave?

Lilian and Matt.

That’ll be interesting …


Clarrie doesn’t punch Derek Fletcher

Clarrie had a grand time during her first shift as a volunteer at the Village shop.

[Clarrie] “It were great to be behind the counter dealing with people”

She even coped with that Derek Fletcher when he came in,

[Clarrie] “I just said good morning and took his money”

So moral victory for Clarrie – she feels useful – and enjoys the banter.


Will doesn’t know what he’s like

Nic and Will are still have a bit if a bargy about Andrew.

Will wants to ‘have a word’. Nic wants him to stay away.

[Nic] “You do know what you’re like Will. You must”

[Will] “No. I don’t … “

Will reckons that he’s been really trying n(for Clarrie’s sake) to get on with Ed. But is doesn’t sound like Nic is convinced it’ll last.

[Nic] “It’s always a competition between you. And it’s been violent in the past, hasn’t it. We’re all treading on eggshells”

Nic’s worried that Will will behave as Will always does – and in the process ruin their relationship.

They’ve been having such a nice time together recently, and she feels Andrew could be part of making it all go horribly wrong.

So message is clear – Will’[s to shut up, stay away from Andrew and out up with Andrew treating Nic like muck.

The Archers Tuesday 30th August 2011: Mia goes walkabout

• Woken up by Robbie Williams and Harry Mason
• A job is a job
• The Shiny Shop lures Mia
• Joe’s birthday plans
• Seems James and Leonie won’t be welcomed back to Ambridge
• Spencer’s sun glasses haven’t been the same since to go carting
• Dubrovnik

Woken up by Robbie Williams and Harry Mason

At 2am.

Poor Jazzer.

Harry was making a mixed tape (or was it CD? Not sure anyone makes mixed tapes anymore as most folks are not likely to have something to play on. What is a shame, I reckon. A tape is far more tactile)

Jazzer has to do the milk round tomorrow, but Harry doesn’t. Harry didn’t think, but also reckons it fair do as Jazzer often plays his music early hours as well.

[Jazzer] “I play decent music, bit Robbie flipping Williams!”

Oh dear. The Odd Couple look like they’re heading for divorce.

Jazzer is later complaining to Pip and Spencer.

[Jazzer] “Life in the flat has become hell on earth. I thought Harry was alright, bit pernickety maybe, I got used to his funny ways, but since he got off with Zofia, I don’t know the man naemare”

(all together now – I’ve grown accustomed to his face …)

They reckon Zofia’s right enough to be spending all this time at Jazzer and Harry’s flat – after all, the alternative is her shared caravan with all the other girls.

But, Jazzer reckons she’s always in the bathroom, and she hands her underwear out to dry in there …

[Jazzer] “Time when I was really keen to see it, but no like this. It’s torture, I’m telling ya!”

And what’s more - Jazzer can’t use the living room as them cuddling puts him off his larger.

Aw. Poor Jazzer.


A job is a job

Jennifer may have been horrified at the thought of Alice going for the cleaning job (as advertised on a card in the village shop), but Clarrie would have been glad of it. But she was too late. The job had gone.

Nic suggests Clarrie put a card up saying she wants work. Clarrie seems quite interested in that.

Is it just me, or is Clarrie sounding more positive?


The Shiny Shop lures Mia

Mia, Jake, Nic and Clarrie are off to town (on a rather noisy train) to go shopping.

The kids need stuff for school.

[Mia] “Can we go to the shiny shop?”

[Jake] “No, it’s girly”

But Nic says yes – it’s Mia’s favourite, and it’s just an accessory shop. Clarrie reckons she can get Rosie something for her 60th there (Rosie Mabbot, Clarrie’s sister), but doesn’t reckon it’d do for Joe’s upcoming 90th birthday.

[Clarrie] “I can’t see him going for a pair of sparkly earrings”

[Nic] “Or deeply boppers”

Clarrie’s feeling bad as she can’t afford to spend much on presents – which she’s unhappy about especially as it’s special birthdays. And not to worry about Joe – Jim and Bert have special plans.

Anyway – Clarrie finds a wallet for Joe in a shop. She and Nic are chatting away, then also chat with Harry when he comes in.

Then.

Nic notices that Mia’s not there anymore …

Clarrie stays wonderfully calm – Nic panics – so Clarrie gets Nic to stay put in that shop with Jake, while she and Harry head off to try and find Mia.

It’s a tense few moments – Jake was worried Mia ran away as he was nasty to her – and Nic gets increasingly hysterical – but all’s well in the end.

Clarrie finds her as Nic is having a nervous breakdown. Mia has gone back to the shiny shop. Seemingly:

[Clarrie] “A nice little assistant saw her come in by herself and was keeping an eye on her”

I’d say ‘phew’ if this all hadn’t happened quite quickly. Not quite suspense – more of a blink and you’ll miss the high drama …


Joe’s birthday plans

Jim and Bert are sorting a Special meeting of the cider club. They’ll be decorating the shed, Eddie will break out the “good stuff” and Clarrie will do bread cheese.

Sounds marvellous. Spot on for Joe, I reckon. Especially as it will:

[Clarrie] “Let Joe hold court a bit, you know how he likes to do that”

Seems James and Leonie won’t be welcomed back to Ambridge

Jim and Bert are seemingly still very unamused by their behaviour. They were still “moaning” about it while they were telling Clarrie their plans for Joe’s birthday,

[Clarrie] “I don’t think they’re being too clever bout it … I don’t think they was going about it diplomatic”

I hope the residents manage to chase the odious James and Leonie away.

But, knowing how thick skinned they are, I doubt they’ll notice – even if the pitchforks come out …


Spencer’s sun glasses haven’t been the same since to go carting

I really don’t know what to say about (or make of) that.


Dubrovnik

Pip and Spencer offer to tell Jazzer about their holiday plans.

[Jazzer] “Anything to take my mind off Ambridge’s Posh n Becks”

When they tell him they’re off to Dubrovnik – and explain it’s in Croatia:

[Jazzer] “You’re joking? Is there no a war on there?”

On being told no – that it ended a while ago:

[Jazzer] “ … history was never ,my string point, I’m more a biology man”

*snort*!

Although Dubrovnik has pebble beaches rather than sandy, it’s hot and NOT in the euro – so it’s of much cheapness.

It also doesn’t have Spencer’s brother Steve (who is unhappily working the family farm, though has also started signing on. Ha!).

[Jazzer] “Just one thing … Can ah come tae?”

Oh dear.

We didn’t get to hear Pip and Spencer’s response, but Jazzer must really be desperate if he wants to spend time with those two. Love’s young dream, and also quite sensible – not Jazzer’s style at all.

The Archers Friday 26th August 2011: Jazzer transforms into Scary McSpice

• Not a grand day out
• Daniel gets ice cream
• Now Tony is shouting at Tom
• “close encounters of the bovine kind”
• The Spice Boys

Not a grand day out

Jazzer isn’t having a good bank holiday.

First, his aftershave isn’t in the right place. Harry moved it.

(are Jazzer and Harry swapping personalities? Since when did Jazzer care about what was where – and since when did Harry not have everything in its right place?)

Then, some lady called Nicolette had a better offer than spending the day with Jazzer (on a double date with him, Harry and Zofia). How very dare she! Jazzer was offering a hedonistic day of an early beer, a meal then a band. I’d have gone.

Even worse, Jazzer had done to a lot of effort:

[Jazzer] “I put my new trainers on an all!”

So Jazzer is now gooseberry to Zofia and Harry.

But it isn’t all bad. Seemingly the band they’re going to see has a lady drummer with more than just drumming skills to admire:

[Jazzer] “… a chest you could stand your pint on”

Daniel gets ice cream

Daniel did well in his exams, so Shula gets him Bridge Farm ice cream to celebrate (and to support her brother).

Never mind Daniel. I’m sure the “large cheque" Reg and Bunty gave you made up for it.

Now Tony is shouting at Tom

Tom’s being a bit in Tony’s posterior.

He’s going on about the surplus Bridge Farm is producing

[Tony] “Well, if you’re just going to stand there and point out the obvious!”

Bridge Farm manage to get the local co-op to take half of the surplus, but the rest have to be composted. Which is a shame, as much as it is a waste.

So with a surplus they can’t shift, and ever less orders coming in, Tony reckons they’re going to have to try and get by on the milk cheque and what the co-op pays for vegetables.

Which is not a great situation. So he certainly doesn’t need Tom making even more trouble.

Seems a very angry Deli manager left a message at Bridge Farm. He was furious that Tom wasn’t “straight with him” when he called to sell him Bridge Farm products. After he’d spoken with Tom, he’d checked Bridge Farm on the internet so, surprise surprise, he found out about the E. coli, and now doesn’t ever want to hear from Bridge Farm again.

Oops.

It sends Tony off on a rant about how it proves that Tom and Brenda’s work to cold call and re-do the internet is a complete waste of time.

[Tony] “I just can’t believe how naive you’ve been. If you thought that all our problems could be solved by being economical with the truth, you couldn’t have been more wrong”

[Tom] “I haven’t been economical with the truth. And at least I’ve been proactive. Not just stuck my head in the sand waiting for it to blow over!”

[Tony] “No, you just thought you could get round it by pretending it never happened! The whole of the Bridge Farm brand is contaminated … it’s just not going to work”

Blimey.

Rebranding exercise, or does Tony mean they should just pack up completely?

“close encounters of the bovine kind”

Despite anticipation of the delights of the lady drummer, Jazzer’s day is getting bad again.

He’s being harassed by cows.

[Jazzer] “What’s it daein now, the cow, is it chasing me? I cannae look …”

[Harry] “It’s giving you the evils, does that count?”

Harry decided that they should walk to the pub, which has involved crossing a field with cows in it.

Though Jazzer works on farms, they doesn’t seem to be coping with these cows.

[Harry] “How does that make you qualified in bovine psychology?”

[Jazzer] “Cows can be vicious if you get on the wrang side of them”

[Harry] “What? If you support a different football team or disagree with their politics?”

[Jazzer] “You can take the mic, alright, but they’re moving here noo”

What’s more – Jazzer’s new trainers are not so new (or red) any more, after walking over the fields.

[Harry] “Another hazard of close encounters with the bovine kind”

That Harry, he’s a real wit.

Actually – he’s turning into a bit of an arse.

When they get to a kissing gate, he makes a play of having Zofia kiss him before she can get through.

That’s a bit unfair on Jazzer – he doesn’t need to see them slobbering over each other. He’s a third wheel today, and he also wanted Zofia.

The Spice Boys

So, to top it all, the band Jazzer wanted to see isn’t playing tonight. It’s karaoke instead.

Harry then signs Jazzer and himself up to sing. To The Spice Girls Wannabe. Which Harry and Jazzer are actually quite good at – and Jazzer certainly seems to enjoy, even though he’s worried about his reputation …

[Harry] “You came over really well as Scary McSpice”

The Archers Sunday 21st August 2011: Jennifer is not impressed by value brands

• The lady didn’t love milk tray …
• Jazzer doesn’t want to cook
• An anchovy, is an anchovy, is an anchovy
• Harry’s standards are slipping
• New excuses for why Alice shouldn’t have married Chris

The lady didn’t love milk tray …

… she loved milk tray.

Didn’t matter to Harry, though. He still did a James Bond trying to get Zofia some apples. But, he came a cropper when he fell out of the tree.

Scrumping, that’s what we used to call it.

Jazzer doesn’t want to cook

Jazzer calls Harry:

[Jazzer] “Whit time will you be hame? … half an hour? … I’m starving!”

But, Jazzer is right enough this time. The deal was that he’d buy the food (which he has done), and Harry would cook it.

Zofia better watch out. No woman can get in the way of Jazzer’s stomach and get away with it.

Jazzer dies crack on with the cooking (I imagine that was the only way he was going to get to eat), but strikes gold when he calls Alice to ask how to make onion gravy, and gets Jennifer.

Learn from the best, my friend.


An anchovy, is an anchovy, is an anchovy

[Jennifer] “Economising is one thing, Alice, but you shouldn’t compromise where food is concerned … you really ought to stick with the quality brand names”

[Alice] “It’s the same food, in a different tin under a different name”

[Jennifer] “Well, how can you possibly tell? I can’t even pronounce what it says on this tin, let alone understand what’s inside?”

[Alice] “I think the picture is a bit of a giveaway … If it looks like an anchovy, and quacks like an anchovy, then it is an anchovy”

Jennifer has spotted ‘value brand’ products in Alice’s, as she’s helping to cook for a celebratory lunch 9wuth the Carters – after Chris got his business loan approved).

Jennifer is, as per, being a snob – but Susan mistakes her rant as Jennifer agreeing that buying value products, and shopping at much-cheapness shops is a good idea.

[Susan] “And your mum's isn’t the only 4x4 in the car park, either”

Poor Jennifer couldn’t get a word in to reassert her need for high value brands only …

She’s only later able to say to Brian:

[Jennifer] “Personally, I’d rather stick to Underwoods food hall”

Harry’s standards are slipping

He hasn’t lived up to his agreement with Jazzer about the cooking.

He eats his dinner, at the table, in his dressing gown.

And he tells Jazzer to leave the dishes until he gets back from a night out. Before, he would have insisted they were done there and then.

Changed man, is our Harry.

New excuses for why Alice shouldn’t have married Chris

Jennifer is now worried that Alice will lose her house if Chris’ business goes wrong. And, that would mean strangers could end up buying it, and living on Home Farm.

Imagine!

Brian reckons all will be well, and that he’ll step in to buy the house if need be.

But, Jennifer still wishes Alice has married someone else. Of better standing. Class, And bank account. Brian doesn’t agree – where Jennifer sees poverty, he sees drive, initiative and the sense 9of Chris) to not try and go cap in hand to him.

I’m with Brian.

Chris is a good ‘un.

The Archers Thursday 4th August 2011: Radio doesn’t play fair with Pat

• Cheeky Facebook profile
• Bridge Farm loses more customers
• kd lang and Erasure
• Wheat to the rescue!
• Lynda’s affected
• Chris can start believing
• They didn’t mention Henry!

Cheeky Facebook profile

Harry’s profile picture is seemingly a picture of feet sticking out from a duvet.

And they are not his, nor Jazzer’s …


Bridge Farm loses more customers

Martin from the Deli has “searched his soul and can no longer stock”.

Even our lovely Ian has had to go to another supplier – though he says he’ll go back to Bridge Farm as soon as he can (when the publicity dies down, one would have thought).

So, as they have fewer customers – they will have to produce less – so will have to cut hours in the dairy.

That could come in as a useful excuse …


kd lang and Erasure

Is what Radio Borchester was playing before Pat’s interview was aired.

How very gay eighties.

(though I do love a bit of Erasure. They’ve matured very nicely – saw them recently at Thetford Forest)


Wheat to the rescue!

Tony reckons it could be their wheat would could save their bacon.

He didn’t mention Tom's sausages.

(geddit?!?)


Lynda’s affected

And calls Pat to tell her so, just as the Radio interview is about to be aired.

Bless Lynda.

One can never be sure if she’s being genuine, or just wants to be party to the drama.

But this time – she’s genuine.

She makes a point of telling Pat that she wants Bridge Farm cream for her party in Sunday. And Lynda will let everyone know that’s where the cream came from.

Good on ya.

Though it may mean many untouched strawberries …


Chris can start believing

Ronnie said yes to Plan B.

So that means Chris needs less money upfront, as he’ll just be buying the core business and renting the premises rather than having to buy it all.

Alice will be pleased.

Will Jennifer be as chuffed? Or will she just see this as another missed opportunity for Chris and Alice to break-up?


They didn’t mention Henry!

Pat is aghast!

Funnily enough – Radio Borchester edited Pat’s interview, leaving out the bits she said about having a grandchild, and how dreadful they all feel for the kiddies in hospital.

Worse still – they included an interview with the mother of one of the kids in hospital.

[Pat – very, very annoyed] “For god sake, I lost a child myself and for a while I thought we might lose Helen as well … people will think we don’t care … banging on about how excited we are to be open again, and meanwhile there’/s that frantic mother, and all I could offer was a mealy mouthed apology.

“This was meant to be a new positive start … instead when they hear Bridge Farm all they’ll think is E. coli and those poor children”

So will Bride Farm may be able to start production again – it looks like they’re far from being able to convince anyone that they’d want to buy from them.

Oh dear.

The Archers Wednesday 3rd August 2011: Rhys’ flat warming party

• Trifle and paddling
• Who is the mystery fisherman?
• Fallon has lemon juice in her eye
• “We’re not going to warm my flat, we’re going to burn it down!”
• Harry only has eyes for Zofia
• Nic finds it easy to talk to Alice
• Ambridge jungle drums
• Jazzer realises Fallon likes Harry

Trifle and paddling

Will, Nic and the kids have a perfect day out next to the river.

[Will] “Well, it don’t get much more perfect than this. I could stay here forever”

But then – big scream from Mia.

Oh No!

What could the matter be?

Oh.

Really?

Just a crayfish (one assumes Mia saw in the river).

Which George wants to play with.


Who is the mystery fisherman?

The crayfish who did so terribly scare Mia is not of the native sort – so really shouldn’t be released back. Our native crayfish chaps are being decimated by large, American interlopers.

And of course, Will get to thinking that this could be the source of Kenton’s new found supply of crayfish for The Bull (you think???).

Will reckons that the trap Mia found the crayfish in was an amateur one, so whoever is ‘fishing’ them is doing so without a licence.

He’s all ready to blow the whistle (especially as it’s on Brian’s land), but Nic begs him not to. After all, she has to work at The Bull.

Ah, tis a fishy tale that’s being woven …


Fallon has lemon juice in her eye

And that’s even the drinking games at Rhys’ start.

In fact, she’s still at work in The Bull. And she doesn’t want to do the drinking games later on anyway.

[Rhys] “Oh don’t be such a girl”

Eh?

Isn’t that exactly what Fallon is?


“We’re not going to warm my flat, we’re going to burn it down!”

Party on, dude.

(ahem)


Harry only has eyes for Zofia

And keeps nipping away from Rhys and Jazzer, while they’re trying to playa drinking game at Rhys’ party, to hasten to Zofia's side. When he isn’t with Zofia, he becomes a bit distracted:

[Jazzer] “Jings, I reckon Zofia has made you deaf as well as stupid”

(Jings? I haven’t heard that uttered since Oor Wullie or The Broons)

[Jazzer] “I preferred it when it was just Harry and his pictures of men in lycra”

[Rhys] “You serious? A bit bi-curious, is he?”

Fallon clarifies that it’s a Tour de France [poster, but Jazzer reckons “case closed”.

[Rhys] “He seems pretty keen on women to me. Maybe he’ll let her play with his bicycle pump …”

Nic finds it easy to talk to Alice

Which she’s surprised about.

[Nic] “Always been a bit intimidated by those pony club girls”

Ambridge jungle drums

Nathan Booth told Fallon, who has now told Will, that bridge Farm’s dairy is open again.

So Will will now tell Eddie, who till tell Clarrie, who’ll be really upset to have not been told by Pat.

Jazzer realises Fallon likes Harry

The only took him 8 months to catch on!

Fallon’s moping that Harry is with Zofia. And also moping in general about her love life … well, lack of it.

[Fallon] “We’re cupid’s cast offs Jazzer … I’m sleeping on my own tonight. As usual”

Surprisingly, Jazzer doesn’t try it on.

He instead opts for Rhys’ sofa. Which is seemingly better than having to hear Harry and Zofia at it.

The Archers Thursday 14th July 2011: Fallon’s in love?

• Josh turning into Jamie?
• Willow Wands
• It’s not just about Trolls
• Caddisfly larvae, Crayfish and crush?
• It’s all Boules
• Ain’t no sunshine when he’s taken
• So Llamas need crooks?
• Hurrah! The Bull has new Specials!
• Fallon shouts at Kirsty

Josh turning into Jamie?

Josh isn’t looking forward to the school summer holidays. He’s already bored, and is complaining that there’s nothing to do in Ambridge.

He’s still in a grump about not being allowed to day off of school to go to the Borchester Show, and is showing no interest in helping round the farm. Which is not like our Josh.

Actually, he is starting to sound like Jamie (of latter days).

Let’s hope that we don’t have to go through all of that shouting and slamming doors again.



Willow Wands

[Lynda] “they’re strong but flexible, you can bend them anyway you like”

Seemingly they’re for Lynda’s Little Bo Peep scarecrow, but I think Robert should also be a bit wary … or delighted … whatever floats his boat, really.



It’s not just about Trolls

Lynda’s making a Little Bo Peep.

Vicky is doing Goldilocks and the Three Bears.


Caddisfly larvae, Crayfish and crush?

Kirsty bumps into Josh, while he despondently skips stones in the river (though he did manage an impressive 8 skips).

Kirsty is doing a species survey – she’s found Caddisfly larvae and crayfish (amongst others).

Josh sounded super interest in what Kirsty had found. Especially the crayfish being edible.

I wonder.

Josh was later making something in the shed at Brookfield.

Something for Kirsty? More interested in her than the wildlife?

Wonder if he’s going to now stalk her, as he did Emma.



It’s all Boules

Would seem Harry and Zofia had a wonderful night out (so Fallon).

And now he’s teaching her to play Boules at The Bull.

Lucky Zofia.

But, as we find out later on, unlucky Fallon.


Ain’t no sunshine when he’s taken

[Fallon] “It doesn’t feel like there’s a whole lot of sunshine in my life right now”

Fallon’s down in the dumps, Kirsty tries to cheer her up.

Kirsty suggests a night out clubbing. Going to a movie. Even just going round to hers for wine and chat (with Kirsty driving both ways).

[Kirsty] “All you have to do is sit there and breathe”

But oh dear – Fallon just wants to stay in with a DVD (yikes! I haven’t heard that phrase since before Helen became a mum).


So Llamas need crooks?

Ruth thought Lynda wanted a shepherdess crook for the Llamas.

Is that normal? Or was Ruth just being a bit dense?



Hurrah! The Bull has new Specials!

Looks like Kenton and Jolene have worn Freda down.

The Specials board now has grilled sea bass.

Though seems Freda still doesn’t sit well with the concept of warm salad.


Fallon shouts at Kirsty

Fallon doesn’t want to go out. And she especially doesn’t want to play Boules with Harry and Zofia.

Kirsty keeps trying to cajole Fallon – until Fallon loses her temper, and shouts at her to stop.

Then the penny drops.

[Kirsty] “Harry … you, still like him don’t you?”

[Fallon] “Even if I did, it wouldn’t do me any good, would it … it’s too late now. I’ve missed my chance, haven’t I?”

Aw. Poor Fallon.

But what on earth has she been thinking? Why all the flirting before Christmas – a quick peck during Panto rehearsals – then …. Nothing.

How was Harry supposed to know Fallon was still interested?

Silly woman.