The Archers Thursday 1st September 2011: Will’s a clype

(clype - what we in Scotland call a tell-tale)

• The Bull is still serving crayfish
• Blight on the tatties
• Jamie’s going to College
• Chutney rather than pickled onions
• Oh no – enamel showdown at The Flower and Produce Show?
• The Forest Discovery near Dolton
• Clarrie’s put her stall out
• Air of mystery? Over crayfish???

The Bull is still serving crayfish

And Will is not amused.

Seems Josh is no longer poaching – he found a place to trap crayfish on Brookfield’s land – BUT he still hasn’t go a licence.

Will can’t seem to leave it alone.

He gives Josh another telling off , and then marches down to The Bull to Jolene to tattle.

Jolene didn’t know that Kenton had been buying the crayfish off of Josh. And she wasn’t aware that Josh didn’t have a licence.

[Will] “I’m sorry Jolene. It might seem innocent enough, but he shouldn’t be doing it”

(aye right then – sure Will was very sorry to have the break the news about something which had nothing to do with him!)

But Jolene seems glad enough to know the facts.

[Jolene] “Jazzing up the menu is one thing, but we can’t be doing it with dodgy food though”

Blight on the tatties

Goodness – could it get worse at Bridge Farm?

[Pat] “Which is going to run out first, people’s memories or our cash flow?”

Certainly it’s going to take a while for Pat to forget (forgive?) Clarrie’s misdemeanours.

She won’t let Kathy even mention Clarrie’s name …

[Pat] “I’ve just got so much to deal with, I just don’t have the capacity to think about Clarrie as well”

At least The Bull is still serving Borchester Blue …


Jamie’s going to College

He had a maths test, which satisfied the College that he can retake his full maths exam alongside his “AS” course (is AS like GCSEs?).

Kathy has her fingers crossed for Jamie to get a C in maths:

[Kathy] “Well, Natalie seems confident he can do it … he was predicted a B before all this trouble started .. he certainly seemed pretty determined”

And Jamie has also encouraged Marty to do the same thing – the College has also accepted him to retake his exams.

So, with Steve not going to College (choosing instead the dole queue), will Marty and Jamie now properly settle back into being mischievous but generally quite okay young chaps?


Chutney rather than pickled onions

Is what Pat chose for her Ploughman’s lunch at The Bull.

Kathy had the crayfish salad.

(and probably one of the last few ones to be able to do so)


Oh no – enamel showdown at The Flower and Produce Show?

It seems Jill is entering the Craft class of Flower and Produce Show this year.

Which is unusual for Jill.

Seems she’s making enamelled craftwork specifically for the show.

What will Peggy make of that?

Not amused at all, I would have thought.


The Forest Discovery near Dolton

Is where Will, Nic and clan are off out today.

What a happy little active family they are.

Will had heard it was hands on – but it turns out to be hands and feet on. Sounds like they were walking on and through the forest.

And Will was on his most loving behaviour again.

[Will] “You look great in it. Really lovely”

Clarrie’s put her stall out

Well, to be factual, she’s put her card up in the village shop.

Here’s hoping someone needs her many varied skills.


Air of mystery? Over crayfish???

Kenton doesn’t half talk rubbish most of the time.

Jolene tackles him about knowing that Josh is his crayfish supplier.

[Kenton] “There goes my air of mystery then”

Eh?

That’s not mysterious!

Just a bit dodgy.

Kenton seems genuine enough that he also didn’t know Jamie needed a licence. He didn’t think to ask or check.

[Kenton] “He was catching them, they were local and a bit different”

Ask no questions …

Silly man.

Ambridge Extra Thursday 30th June 2011: Final episode?

• Was that the last Ambridge Extra?
• Kenton didn’t lose his battery
• Chas wakes up
• Rhys races Harry
• Moronic Mates crash
• Actually, Natalie might be a bad ‘un
• Alice belongs

Was that the last Ambridge Extra?

I think so.

Or, the last of this ‘series’.

Has it been worth tuning into the eavesdropping moments of Ambridge’s younger residents?

I started out loathing it, moved to being slightly interested, moved back to loathing (those bursts of hit parade music and teen language was quite irritating), but was again interested as we heard more from Chas and Alice.

Could have done without the moronic Steve and Marty – but I suppose we couldn’t hear from Jamie without them.

Bit of a mixed bag, then.

If it was an experiment to attract the youngsters to Ambridge, then I suppose it might have worked (but would need to ask a teen).


Kenton didn’t lose his battery

As Steve and Marty didn’t steal it.

Steve reckons it was too big, but he probably just didn’t try and steal it as he only had Marty for an audience.

So after all his bluster, Steve had to call Spencer to come and give him a jump start. Which is what the (increasingly sensible) Jamie had said to do.


Chas wakes up

So Alice and Chris immediately accost him, so that he can confirm to Chris the truth about his non-relationship relationship with Alice.

When they first walk in, Alice asks Chas how he’s feeling:

[Chas] “Never better. Nothing like a two week sleep to refresh one’s self”

(the bang on the head hasn’t made Chas a less of an ar*e, then)

Alice doesn’t give Chas much time to focus – she’s then right on him to tell the truth. That they’ve never been more than friends. And that the trip that never was, never was a trip she’d agreed to.

But what a surprise – Chas doesn’t want to play nicely.

[Chas] “Alice, I think the time for lying is over … I know it’s difficult, but you really must admit to Chris how we feel about each other. We’re in love”

(well, we didn’t expect that to happen, did we?)

Chas tells Chris that the trip didn’t happen only because Alice got delayed and that it was what they both wanted to be together.

As Chris is about to leave, having heard enough, and believing that Alice has been cheating on him, Alice suddenly regains her (Aldridge) consciousness – and corners Chas.

If he doesn’t tell the truth – Alice will tell the Police that she lied about the night that Shaun had been assaulted (remember that? In the very first Ambridge Extra). She’ll tell them that she actually can’t remember any of it, and that Chas later admitted that he had assaulted Shaun.

[Chas] “You’re going to risk your career, your life, everything for this pathetic farm boy … you stupid, stupid girl. Can't you see you’ve been wasting your time with him? I'm the one you’re supposed to be with, not some country bumpkin who can’t even string a sentence together”

[Alice – showing no fear of a Police record] “I love Chris. And I want to spend the rest of my life with him”

[Chas] “You’re pathetic, you know that. Small minded, village mentality. No ambition. What did I ever see in you … I want my money back, every penny!”

So check mate.

And hopefully cheerio mate!


Rhys races Harry

[Rhys] “I have been taking performance enhancing substances – Shires, mainly”

But the following events put pay to the race.

Shame. We’ll never know if Wales is better than England (or vice versa).

Still, looks like they were going to use the pledge money for everyone to have a “big night”. So all’s well, really.


Moronic Mates crash

First off, Natalie catches Jamie with Steve and Marty, when he promised he wasn’t going to see them again (he chose her over them the other night).

Steve has been eyeing up a bloke’s posh car (they’re all at the pub), and the bloke leaves the keys lying around. Steve has a couple of pints, and also pockets the keys.

In between all of this, Steve and Marty have been taking the Michael out of Rhys and Harry as they race.

So. Jamie refuses to get in the (stolen) car. Steve harasses Marty to get in. Steve drives off, at speed, after Harry and Rhys. Steve then crashes the car.

Next we hear is Jamie panicking, and saying Kenton’s name.

We don’t get to hear much else – only what Jamie tells Natalie. Harry and Rhys are fine (they just fell off their bikes).



Actually, Natalie might be a bad ‘un

Natalie sees Jamie is very upset. Natalie is told that his mates have had a car crash.

But she’s still fixated on whether Jamie has chosen her over his mates. All she can be glad about is that he didn’t get in the car because he wanted to prove he had chosen her.

Not that he was safe.

And rather than helping him in his hour of need, she happily trots off to meet her mum, so that she can then go on holiday.

Hmmm.

As they part, they both say they love each other. While I have no doubt that Natalie is of value in getting Jamie away from Steve and Marty – has he just swapped the morons for a bunny boiler?


Alice belongs

As Alice and Chris get back home to Ambridge, Alice offers to not go to University to finisher her masters, so that she can get a job to help pay for the new loan Chris will have to get to pay off Chas.

Chris won’t hear of it. His business is not more important than Alice’s career.

[Chris] “You know what Chas said, bout me being a farm boy … I know I’m not sophisticated like your Uni friends, I am a bit of a country bumpkin from sleepy Ambridge ….”

[Alice] “No. He was completely out of order. I love you Chris;. And I love it here. This is where I belong”

Aw!

So, apart from having to find the money to pay Chas back (by next week), all ends well for Chris and Alice.

Here’s hoping Chas stays away for the rest of all our lives …

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 28th June 2011: Chris isnae happy with Alice

• The “H Train”?
• Zofia is Harry’s girlfriend
• Boyfriend in a Coma
• Jazzer signs for Team Rhys
• Yes Steve, turn it down!
• Even for emergencies, don’t give your passwords
• Steal batteries with your “homies”, or walk your girlfriend home?

The “H Train”?

Kenton can be a bit bizarre with his lingo.

He’s at The Bull, talking with Fallon about Rhys and Harry canvassing for support for their bike race.

Harry is seemingly gaining ground, getting support from his milk round customers and Zofia is:

[Kenton] “Getting other pickers on board the H Train!”

You what?

If it hadn’t been Kenton that said it (Kenton can be a bit odd when he tries to be ‘modern’), I’d have thought Ambridge Extra had started to also ruin Ambridge’s adults’ ability to speak proper … innit.



Zofia is Harry’s girlfriend

Blimey – that was fast!


Boyfriend in a Coma

Chris has seemingly been ignoring Alice’s calls.

When he does answer, he’s far from receptive to her.

[Chris] “You’ve made your choice. If you want to stay down in Southampton with your boyfriend, that’s your choice”

[Alice] “Chas isn’t my boyfriend, he never has been”

[Chris] “Whatever, looks like he’s more important to you than I am, Alice”

[Alice] “He’s unconscious in a hospital bed!”

[Chris] “Exactly, so why have you got to hang around down there. He doesn’t know any different, does he?”

Alice reckons she’s only still there because she feels guilty (she told Lesley Chas lived there), and, of course, Chas is a friend … but I’m also starting to wonder …

[Chris] “Chas being beaten up has got nothing to do with you. It was because he was ripping people off”

[Alice] “He’s a nice guy .. he got out of his depth … he meant well, he just misjudged the situation”

[Chris] “I can’t believe you’re trying to defend him!”

Quite right, Chris. Chas shouldn’t be defended. But Alice has no common sense when it comes to Chas.


Jazzer signs for Team Rhys

[Kenton] “Jazzer may be a milkman by trade, but at heart he’ll always be a beer man”

Nothing to do with Harry winning the fair Zofia, then, eh?


Yes Steve, turn it down!

(I’m still not coping well with the blasts of popular music in Ambridge Extra. It does so startle one)

Jamie and Natalie are in Steve’s car, with Steve (obviously) and Marty, heading to a gig in Borchester.

Natalie gives Steve a row for having his music up so loud, to which Steve replies:

[Steve] “Better keep your chick in order”

Hmpf. What a prat.

Steve then makes to park in Jaxx’s car park, which Jamie points out is only for staff.

Course, Steve doesn’t care that Jamie would want to avoid Jaxx (or any hassle there) because of Kenton.

Course not. Because he’s a prat.



Even for emergencies, don’t give your passwords

Now this is why Chris and Alice got married too young.

They’re not mature enough to know that you never, ever, give your partner your logins to your emails … mobile phone code (to see texts) … Facebook profile (as they’ll only sign you up for Farmville … very annoying … so my significant other tells me).

Chris is now in Southampton (he either travelled faster than the speed of light, or we’ve jumped another day, time, planet as it’s Ambridge Extra), absolutely fuming about the emails he’s seen between Alice and Chas.

He’s found the itinerary to Paris, for starters.

[Chris] “You lying, cheating … you were running away together, the only thing that stopped you was Chas getting attacked”

Alice tries to explain that all of that wasn’t real- it was Chas’ fantasy.

But, Chris has also found (what looks like) flirty banter between them. If you go looking for it, you will find it.

Right in the middle of the argument – quell surprise – Chas has woken up (his mum calls Alice).

Alice’s next step?

To tell Chris he has to go with her to the hospital so that Chas can tell him what really happened.

Come on, Alice. Are you an Aldridge or not?

Of course Chas is going to say something did happen. Even though it didn’t.

He wants you and Chris spilt up, so that you will realise you love him.

And, because he’s an ar*e.


Steal batteries with your “homies”, or walk your girlfriend home?

Not a difficult choice.

And glad to report that Jamie finally made the right one.

Steve was still behaving like a prat, claiming he wanted to sort out some bloke who wasn’t amused when Natalie spilt his drink:

[Steve] “I was well up for a rut, me and my soldiers .. .you wouldn’t understand, love”

(grrrr)

Then his car won’t start. Marty points out it was because he left his fog light on, but Steve won’t accept that.

He then has a ponder. They’d already spotted Kenton’s car in the car park, so the obvious solution is to steal Kenton’s battery.

Eh?

Luckily, Jamie seems to have finally seen sense, and chooses to walk Natalie home (after she refuses to have anything to do with Steve’s antics):

[Steve] “You wuss … bailing on his homies”

S’aright Jamie. Steve is a prat.

After Jamie has walked Natalie home, he tells her how much he’ll miss her (she’s away for a wee break to a caravan).

In return, Natalie gives him an ultimatum:

[Natalie] “I really like you, but … I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you if you’re hanging out with Marty and Steve … they’re idiots, and they’ll get you into trouble”

[Jamie] “I left them tonight … if it’s a choice between them or you, I choose you”

On the one hand – hurrah!

But on the other – is Natalie a bit of a bunny boiler?

Ambridge Extra Thursday 23rd June 2011: Pink Llamas

• Chris’ birthday ruined by Chas
• Lynda’s pink Llamas
• Kirsty feels trusted
• Team Milk Vs Team Beer
• Alice could be in China soon
• Now Chris could be in trouble
• By the way, Alice got a 2:1

Chris’ birthday ruined by Chas

Chris is very happy that he has the boxset AND tickets to see someone he likes (Comedian? Group? Theatre?).

But Chas manages to put a downer on Chris’ birthday meal with Alice, even when Chas is still in hospital.

Alice can’t stop thinking/worrying about Chas. She doesn’t even want her chicken …



Lynda’s pink Llamas

I would’ve laughed out loud if it hadn’t been Jamie and his moronic mates playing the jest. They just sounded like a poor man’s version of Beavis and Butt-head (if such a thing exists).

Steve and Marty want to go and steal a car, but Jamie has a better plan. Something he’s wanted to do for a long time.

[Jamie] “I know what we can do after dark … it will crack you up … but first we have to go to the chemist”

They get some red hair dye from the chemists (bought or stolen, not quite sure).

Then, are to be found in the Snells’ paddock, at midnight.

Jamie’s very lucky that Lynda wasn’t having one of her insomniac moments. He called her “just a receptionist” … ouch!

Then they get to the Llamas …

… next morning, the Llamas are pink.

Slightly amusing. The image of Robert and Joe washing them down raised a smirk.

But I do worry that the hair dye might have irritated the Llamas skin (never use human shampoo, and the like, on your dog – surely the same for Llamas?).

And that god awful Steve ruins any enjoyment one could have from their antics.

[Steve] “Nice one, Jamie mate. Good call”

Twat.


Kirsty feels trusted

To manage the Ambridge Organics. Which means she’s trusted by Helen, Pat and Tony. Which is no mean feat at all.


Team Milk Vs Team Beer

Harry was fraternising with the enemy when he was in shopping at Ambridge Organics (Fallon is on his side, Kirsty on Rhys’).

But it’s fine. Kirsty has her ethics:

[Kirsty] “I expect it’s against the organic shopkeepers code to divulge the contents of the shopping basket”

Harry does seem to be taking the mountain bike race with Rhys fairly seriously.

[Harry] “Bit of fun? The honour of England’s at stake!”

But it is hard to tell if the wholemeal pasta and muesli bars are just for his training – he’s just that type of healthy eater all year round.

Rhys? He’s just having an extra sausage in his breakfast …

Harry is a bit disappointed to heard more people are backing Rhys (the losing team and its supporters have to buy the winners a round), but it’s okay – Harry has time to canvas his milk customers.

Don’t fancy his chances, mind. I reckon most folks are happy to say ‘yes’ to nearly everything when asked in a pub … slightly different at 6am in the morning when you just need the milk for that first cup of coffee …


Alice could be in China soon

If she keeps on digging that rather large hole for herself.

The same policewoman who had interviewed her over the nightclub assault (that Chas had been accused of doing) turns up at the flat.

Chris opens the door. He says he’s Alice’s husband. Alice recognises the policewoman, and has to tell Chris why she’d met her before. But not too much explaining – she sends Chris out for milk (before she has to do any more explaining to him).

[Policewoman] “So, before we talk about the assault, maybe we can talk about you and Chas, and your husband …”

[Alice] “We had a fling … Chris doesn’t know about it … I was embarrassed, I just didn’t want to go on record”

Now Chris could be in trouble

After her interview with the Policewoman, Alice tells Chris about the Nightclub.

He’s a tad annoyed that Alice hadn’t told him at the time.

The, the Policeman has a chat with Chris. Well, more interrogates …

The Policewoman asks where Chris was when Chas was assaulted (at The Bull). Can anyone couch for that (yes). When did he leave (11pm). How far away is Ambridge from Alice’s flat (not far enough to rule Chris out from being able to leave the pub, and drive over to beat up Chas).

The Policewoman also asked Chris if he actually knew Alice that well (all her life). But she asked enough questions about Chas and Alice to make Chris a bit suspicious.

So Chris, now in a foul mood, tackles Alice about her relationship with Chas.

[Alice] “What do you mean, relationship?”

[Chris] “That’s what I’m wondering Alice .. I’m starting to think I’ve been really stupid”

So Chris has had enough. He wants Alice to pack up and leave there and then for Ambridge.

But Alice wants to stay.

Because of Chas.

Oh dear.



By the way, Alice got a 2:1

Well done Alice.

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 21st June 2011: Chas in hospital

• Chas got what was coming?
• Chas, good looking?
• If you missed every episode of Ambridge Extra up to today …
• Team Rhys Vs Team Harry
• Inside of Jamie is a nice boy trying to get out
• Chris to the rescue!
• Marty fancies Fallon

Chas got what was coming?

I’m no advocate of violence.

There are far more brutal ways of exacting revenge on a foe …

But I also can’t say that I’ll lose any sleep over Chas being beaten up to the point that he’s unconscious, on a ventilator.

It would seem that, unlike Chas, Lesley isn’t just all talk.

Alice is blaming herself. She reckons that if she had gone away with Chas, none of this would have happened.

Eh?

Surely it’s Chas’ actions that brought this on.


Chas, good looking?

Paulie reckons Chas’ mum is a real looker. And said that was where Chas must get it from.

That’s funny.

I’ve always thought of Chas as a bit of a weedy, but tall, chap. And bit of a chinless wonder without much sparkle to attract the ladies (or any friends).

But seems not so.


If you missed every episode of Ambridge Extra up to today …

… it’s okay, as Alice spent at least 5 minutes telling us (well, Paulie) about Chas. From the very beginning.


Team Rhys Vs Team Harry

After Rhys at first sounding a bit reticent about going ahead with his mountain bike, he mans up and properly challenges Harry.

[Rhys] “The Anglo-Welsh challenge race is on”

With Kirsty on Team Rhys, and Fallon on Team Harry.

Folks can also back a team by pledging beer money, with the loosing team buying the drinks.



Inside of Jamie is a nice boy trying to get out

Jamie seems to be spending most of his wages on getting taxis over to Natalie’s house.

[Jamie] “I don’t wanna buy things with it … I’d rather see you”

Aw. What a wee sweetie.

Jamie is even showing signs that he’s starting to use his brain, and is beginning to understand Kathy.

[Jamie] “As long as I eat with her now and then, and don’t throw toys out of my pram … you know, just try to get on, it’s less hassle that way … and if I wash up and then or watch something on telly with her, she’s that grateful that she isn’t bothered what I do the rest of the time.”

(well, still a wee bit calculating, but he is a teenage lad)

BUT – that’s all until Steve and Marty are back in the picture.

Jamie is later (or the next day – hard to tell with Ambridge Extra) is hanging out with Steve and Marty. They start of civilised – having a coffee in Jaxx at Jamie’s insistence. But soon move onto mischief.

This time, it’s trying to steal a car.

Steve manages to get in (using a Slim Jim nicked from Spud’s dad), but manages to pick the one “old banger” that has an alarm.

Thick boys.

They run away, and seem to have a wonderful time doing so.

Or, at least Marty and Steve had a real buzz nearly stealing a car.

Jamie didn't sound so keen.


Chris to the rescue!

Alice calls Chris to tell him about Chas. Worried that Alice had met Lesley (the bloke who beat Chas up), and also worried that the folk after Chas won’t know Alice isn’t involved – Chris arrives to make sure his lady wife is safe.

Alice tells him about Chas’ ‘shark’ activities. But Chris doesn’t seem too worried about the money Chas has lent him.

Might still come back to bite Chris on the bum, though.


Marty fancies Fallon

And Steve is just gross.

Marty can barely grunt at Fallon when she says hello to him (struck dumb by her sheer beauty, so he was).

But Steve …

[Steve] “And I’m Steve. How you doing, sweetheart … care to join us for a little something … or a not so little something …”

What a mucky pup.

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 14th June 2011: Exams are over

• Chas really is a prat
• Nic’s cunning plan
• “Sunny with the occasional scattered showers”
• Chas is threatened. Hurrah!
• Spud’s party

Chas really is a prat

[Chas] “It’s a post-feminist polemic portraying transgressive female solidarity in the face of reactionary male hegemony”

[Alice] “Looks like Lady Gaga to me”

I know he was joking, but he just isn’t funny. Or clever. Or a decent human being …

Later on, when Alice’s talking about all of the farewell parties she’s going to over the next few weeks (as exams are over and she’s leaving Uni), Chas’ diary didn’t seem to be that full.

Nae mates Chas!

And to top it all off, he later (while a bit drunk and maudlin) tries to tell Alice how much he’s going to miss living with her. I suspect, he really wanted to say that he’s in love with her.

[Chas] “Out of all the people I’ve met … you’re special, the best …”

All he gets is:

[Alice] “Aw, you big softie’”

[Chas] “You’ll have forgotten my name soon”

Here’s hoping!


Nic’s cunning plan

Nic has to come up with a reason why Fallon should go to Lakey Hill. Rhys and Kirsty are trying to make up for their previous prank (pretending they were getting engaged) by playing the rather nicer prank of a surprise ‘glamping’ party for Fallon.

Still not sure why Rhys is so adamant that Nic is the woman for the job. Especially as she’s really struggled to come up with an idea for how she’ll get Fallon up the Hill without spoiling the surprise.

So what’s Nic’s plan?

To say that she’s taking part in a sponsored work for the school.

So, she needs to train. And asks Fallon to go one of her walks with her.

Fine enough idea. Except, Nic reckons her sponsored walk is 20 miles …

20 miles!

Nic didn’t think that one through, and I reckon Fallon will twig something is awry very shortly.



“Sunny with the occasional scattered showers”

Is how Rhys is feeling today.

[Rhys] “As incompatible as chips and custard”

Is what he reckons he and Kirsty are.

Seriously, Jazzer should watch his step. He may lose his ‘wit of Ambridge’ crown.



Chas is threatened. Hurrah!

[Lesley] “You piece of crap. You need to learn some manners mate … who the hell do you think you are?”

[Chas] “I accept, on reflection, that I may have been a little excessive …”

[Lesley] “Shut up … that debt is written off, paid in full. You stay away from Reggie and forget about the money., Understand! … and here’s one more thing. I won’t forget you. If I ever come across you again, you’ll know it … you better watch your step, posh boy”

All of which puts Chas right off his lunch.

Serves Chas right. He’s a wee lad trying to play a big man’s game. It’s taking a proper big man to put him back in his place. Course, none of this would have happened if Chas hadn’t been taking advantage of desperate people in the first place.

When Chas is later out and about, Lesley spots him on the street – forcing Chas to run away like the wee laddie he is.



Spud’s party

Jamie’s exams are also over, so he’s at Steve’s party, just about to have a dance with Natalie.

[Steve] “Nah mate, you don’t want to do that”

Course he doesn’t. Watching Spud chug a beer is far better than dancing with a girl.

True to form, Jamie ends up ignoring and being rude to Natalie, so that he can get drunk with (and impress) his moronic mates.

[Natalie] “Grow up Jamie, for god sake!”

Natalie storms off. Jamie gets drunker still. Eventually ends up in such a state that he can’t be persuaded to leave the party once it’s well and truly over. Steve wants to just leave him slumped where he is. Steve does leave, but Marty stays with Jamie.

Nice work Jamie.

You’ll likely be single again, but at least you know Marty isn’t a totally useless mate.

Ambridge Extra Thursday 9th June 2011: Alice snogs Chas

• What’s a ‘sick’ picture?
• Nic hasn’t much of an imagination
• Sid’s birthday
• Chas breaks Reggie’s mobile phone
• Steve and Marty make plans for Jamie
• Chas cannae kiss!

What’s a ‘sick’ picture?

Marty is (again) talking rubbish to Jamie when he’s (again) trying to study.

[Marty] “Since when did you start hanging out with the nerds in the library!”

But then Marty goes on to talk about how Steve has a ‘sick’ picture of someone called Josie Watkins.

That sounds like a rather horrible picture to me – or does it mean that it’s good?

(and I’m increasingly annoyed by Ambridge Extra making me feel old when I’m only in my kid thirties).


Nic hasn’t much of an imagination

Nic still has no idea how to get Fallon up Lakey Hill for her surprise treat.

She does come up with a bit of an odd plan – to put on a treasure hunt, which Fallon would take part in, and be led up Lakey Hill as part of a clue.

Rhys quite rightly points out the major flaws in Nic’s idea – that she’d have to advertise the Treasure Hunt; that others might take part; that Fallon might be too dim to solver the clues; that Fallon may not even want to do a Treasure hunt …

… but what’s his idea? He did, after all, dump the task of getting Fallon up Lakey Hill onto Nic – when, after all, it was he and Kirsty need to make up with Fallon.

Rhys comes up with winching Fallon down from a helicopter, or strapping her to a quad bike.

Very helpful.

[Nic] “I don’t know why I’m doing this”

[Rhys] “It’s because you’re a lovely person”

(oooh – Nic and Rhys?)


Sid’s birthday

After telling Marty to go away when he was trying to study in the library, Jamie starts ranting (to, rather than at) Natalie about how he should have done more revision, months ago, rather than just before his exam.

But then the real reason for his anxiety comes out:

[Jamie] “I just miss him, alright … everything’s changed … why did it have to get screwed up … u just want things to be like they used to be?”

He’d actually been reading books about life after death, when he was in the library.

Jamie’s verdict? They were all rubbish, and he is truly on its own.


Chas breaks Reggie’s mobile phone

I’ve said it before. Chas is a right ar*e.

He’s back at Reggie’s, hassling him for money.

Unlucky for Reggie, Chas turned up early – so managed to avoid have to deal with Reggie’s brother Lesley again.

When Reggie tries to call Lesley, Chas breaks his phone. It then sounded like Chas had hit him. And made off with his telly.

Ar*e.



Steve and Marty make plans for Jamie

Steve reckons Jamie is a mummy’s boy.

So he and Marty make plans to get Jamie “completely slaughtered” on Monday night, when his exams are over.

It didn’t sound like “getting slaughtered” was meant in a good way.


Chas cannae kiss!

Alice’s final exams are over, so she’s celebrating with Paulie, and his girlfriend – drinking games first, then off to see The Undertones (a popular Hit Parade band).

Chas comes in when Paulie had been forced to admit that he’d kiss Dermot O’Leary (they’re playing truth or dare). And Alice reckons that Adam thought that Paulie was quite cute.

(and???)

Chas is in a good mood (well, he’s probably just sold Reggie’s telly for £50), and is ‘well up’ for a party.

When it’s his truth at truth or dare, Alice asks him for the truth of what he really thought when she told him she’d married Chris.

[Chas] “I thought … lucky Chris”

(aye, right you did. I’m sure there were a few more expletives in mind).

Alice’s turn. She wouldn’t tell the truth of say who she’d fantasised “shagging” at Uni – so she was dared (by Paulie’s girlfriend) to snog Chas.

So they do.

After the deed:

[Chas] “That was okay, wasn’t it?”

[Alice – without much enthusiasm] “Yeah … who is next?”

Laugh at Chas?

Yes. Yes I did.

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 7th June 2011: Alice and Chas go to bed

(to watch a film on Alice’s laptop. Still a bit icky, though)

• Don’t take the Michael out of Jamie’s bear
• Chas gets told where to go. Twice.
• Fallon’s still got the hump
• No more boom boom!
• We all need quadratic equations, Steve
• A year since Sid died

Don’t take the Michael out of Jamie’s bear

Steve was wondering why Jamie never invites him and Marty over to his house. While he had turned up unexpectedly. At Jamie’s house.

Jamie probably hasn’t invited Steve over because he’s a bully and an insensitive prat.

Steve then pushes Jamie too far. Not only is Steve interrupting him while he’s trying to study, but he then takes the Michael out of Blower (sp?). Jamie’s bear. Which Sid had given to him.

And hurrah! Jamie kicks Steve out!

[Steve] “I’ve been standing up for you .. .you’re a right little runt sometimes!”

Aye. Right then, Steve. Off you toddle, now.



Chas gets told where to go. Twice.

Chas is up in Newcastle trying to find Jackie (who disappeared from Uni without paying him back his ‘loan’).

He tries to hassle someone called Rachel (who is in the flat he thinks Jackie is staying at). But he doesn’t get anywhere.

[Rachel] “You can believe what you like. I don’t know where she’s gone”

Rachel threatens to call the Police. Chas backs off.

[Chas] “Fine … stick up for your friend. She stole from me, remember!”

Then Mr Parker (Jackie’s dad) tells Chas where to go when he calls up to try to see if he can get another address for Jackie.

Chas doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere with the great hunt for Jackie.

And, considering Lesley is protecting Reggie, where else can Chas turn to get enough money to keep Vince off of his back.

Chris?


Fallon’s still got the hump!

Looks like Fallon still isn’t happy with Kirsty and Rhys.

She’s even changed her shifts to never work with Rhys (or so it seems).

Nic has the bright idea of Rhys and Kirsty making up with Fallon by “doing something nice” for her birthday on the 19th.

Which Rhys and Kirsty take on board with aplomb!

Glamping, it would seem, is the answer. Up on Lakey Hill.

Kirsty has a friend with a Bell tent. They can get rugs, lantern, “maybe a bean bag or two”.

All very nice.

But is that a fatal mistake I spot?

They’ve decided to fool Fallon into the whole glamping trip being a surprise.

It’s fallen to Nic to do the deed. Because no-one else had the bottle:

[Rhys] “What is this? Kill Bill? Has Fallon got a grudge against the whole village?”

A whole bunch of Fallon’s make, about to play a trick on her.

It may be a nice trick, but could this all go horribly wrong?


No more boom boom!

That was very unwelcome, indeed.

I know Ambridge Extra is a bit of a youf experiment – but the clips of loud music really doesn’t impress.


We all need quadratic equations, Steve

You’ll find out later on, which may be too late for you …


A year since Sid died

It’s a year, on Wednesday, since Sid died, and it would have been his birthday on Thursday.

Which is why Jamie reacted so firmly to Steve when he took the Michael.

Natalie also doesn’t seem too sympathetic.

Over the phone, she kinda gave Steve an excuse by saying he couldn’t have known about Sid’s anniversaries coming up. And that rushes off the phone with a “sorry about your dad”.

I’m not too sure about that Natalie.

But, then again, I’m not too sure about most teenagers!

Ambridge Extra Thursday 2nd June 2011: Jamie needs new mates

(which we all know, but he might listen to Natalie saying it as well)

• Pip goes to see Elizabeth
• Fallon’s in a huff?
• A smashing time was had by all
• Does Marty have a deeply sinister side?
• “Shut up Steve!”
• Shame Jamie doesn’t have cojones like Natalie
• Mrs Parker
• Chas is no match for Lesley

Pip goes to see Elizabeth

And gets a warm welcome. Elizabeth is happy to see her, and is going to arrange for her to work at The Orangery during the Summer.

But, Elizabeth isn’t as receptive to Pip trying to talk about David.

Pip tells Elizabeth how upset David is, and

[Pip] “Isn’t it bad enough, what happened to Uncle Nigel … there’s no point in us being angry with each other … can’t we just be a family again?”

[Elizabeth] “I can’t forgive give him … I lost my husband, doesn’t that count for anything thing?”

Elizabeth tells Pip that she is “immensely fond” of her. But, that what’s happened with David is between her and David.

Wonderfully reasonable is Elizabeth, yet again (!). She’s the adult, yet she can’t see what position she’s putting Pip in. And how she (Elizabeth) is making Pip’s home life rather hellish.

But at least Pip has a rather spiffing new man in her life.

[Pip] “She really hates him … she looks so hurt”

[Spencer] “Just try not worry … I’m here, you’ve got me now”

(still can’t quite believe Spencer and Steve are actually brothers).


Fallon’s in a huff?

Fallon isn’t returning Kirsty’s calls.

Nic has told Kirsty that she saw Fallon looking at her phone when it rang, and turning it to silent.

So she is avoiding Kirsty, after Kirsty and Rhys made a bit of a fool of her at the party (by pretending they were engaged).

I’d feel a bit embarrassed if I was Fallon, and a bit annoyed my mates couldn’t have told me that I’d been too eager to try and push them together. But Falling out with them?

Probably not. Unless I little else that living vicariously through other people’s relationships …


A smashing time was had by all

Jamie bumps Natalie (and her two mates) who are waiting for him in the pub, to go with Steve and Marty to smash an old warehouse’s windows.

Brilliant decision making there, Jamie.

They have a jolly old time, until they hear a dog barking – assume it’s security – so leg it. In the process of which, Jamie cuts his hand.



Does Marty have a deeply sinister side?

When he discovers a female dummy in the warehouse, his first reaction is to burn her.

That’s a bit worrying.


“Shut up Steve!”

I like that young lady, Natalie.

Not sure what she sees in Jamie (in his current guise – I still reckon he’s a nice enough chap underneath it all), but she at least sees Steve and Marty for the morons they are. And isn’t scared of telling them.


Shame Jamie doesn’t have cojones like Natalie

Natalie’s bumped into Jamie as he, Steve and Marty are running away from the warehouse security (though they actually could just be running away from an angry Pekingese, out for its evening walk).

She notices Jamie’s cut hand, and tries to see if he is okay. But Steve won’t have it. Natalie wanting to be sure that Jamie isn’t badly hurt is somehow offensive to Steve;

[Steve] “We hang together, just tell her, or you going to let yourself be whipped by a girl?”

[Jamie, to Natalie] “No, look, get off! I’m not your baby, alright .. .what is it with girls, you don’t own me!”

[Steve] “Did you hear the man? He’s standing tall with his boys”

So, once again, Jamie chooses his mates over a girl. Which would be fair enough, if his mates were actually worth anything.

For whatever reason, Natalie is still speaking to Jamie the next day. He tries to explain that he didn’t mean anything that he said (but he did say it), and she tells him that she doesn’t like him when he’s round his mates.

[Jamie] “I only said those things cause Steve and Marty was there”

What a wuss!

As well as pointing out that Jamie turns onto a muppet when he’s round Steve and Marty, Natalie also thinks Jamie needs to put his exams first.

[Natalie] “ …decent grades or Steve and Marty? … it’s more important than looking good in front of them”

Wonder if there are enough anti-moronic-mates feeling around to help Jamie actually tell Steve and Marty where to go? Kathy, Jolene, Fallon, Rhys, and now Natalie, are all saying that Jamie needs to crack on with what’s important, rather than be ‘cool’ for his pals.


Mrs Parker

Mrs Parker is Jackie Parker’s mum.

Jackie went missing from Alice’s Uni.

And it’s all Chas’ fault. He lent Jackie money, and been harassing her ever since. She chose to disappear rather than have to cope with him anymore.

Jackie’s disappearance has dropped Chas right in it (he now can’t pay back his financier, brother-in-law Vince), so Chas is desperate to find her.

Which involves calling her parents, and pretending he’s a friend in an attempt to tease Jackie’s address of her (rather upset) mum.

First time round, Mrs Parker doesn’t want to tell Chas where Jackie is, but sounded like that was because her husband had told her not to say anything to anyone.

But, Mrs Parker has mistaken Chas for someone she can trust. So calls him back, to tell him that Jackie is at a friend’s in Newcastle.

[Mrs Parker] “I just someone to tell her we love her”

[Chas] “But don’t worry … I’ll find your daughter”

Oops. Jackie better keep running. Unless she also has a meathead brother.


Chas is no match for Lesley

Chas is back trying to hassle Reggie – but interesting that he calls him rather than go round and play the big man in person. Not after Chas had the run in with Reggie’s brother Lesley, and lost.

[Chas] “You haven’t got your meathead brother to answer for you now”

Nae luck Chas! It is “the meathead” who has answered the phone.

[Lesley] “If you go anywhere near my little brother, I’ve got a few ways of settling things myself, understand me son?”

So Chas has to back off again.

Methinks Reggie might not be paying back Chas any money anytime soon. If at all.

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 31st May 2011: Chris buys a van

• Alice is doing Chas’ shopping
• Spencer, a nice lad indeed, part 684
• “We’re your crew”
• Chris will be his own boss
• Alice not keen to leave Chas?
• We all think it about some older folks driving …
• What does “such a Tony, sometimes” mean?

Alice is doing Chas’ shopping

I wonder if he’s ever gone out of his way to help her?

It is for Alice as well. And is mainly junk food to help them revise (I think they’ll find that a carrot or two would help more than junk … or so I’m told).

So Alice has got them crisps, chocolate, love hearts …

… love hearts?

Is Alice actually (very subtly) flirting with Chas, which means it isn’t just all in his head?




Spencer, a nice lad indeed, part 684

Spencer is fast becoming one of the nicest young men to have ever been in Ambridge.

Today, he was consoling Biff (the Brookfield sheepdog) about the new puppy soon arriving, and reassuring Biff that he’ll always be his favourite.

And then he makes (and takes) a lot of effort to get Pip to talk about him. She’s got exam stress, and a rather difficult atmosphere at home.

[Pip] “It’s not exactly been much fun around here … Dad’s doing his usual when upset, doesn’t talk and just works even longer … Mum gets snappy, she’s still furious with Aunty Elizabeth”

He does manage to get her to take a break. And get her to talk.

Spencer’s response to the woeful tale of David revealing the ‘truth’ to Elizabeth:

[Spencer] “I’m sure he didn’t mean him to fall”

Pip’s sad that David’s efforts to “put things right” has backfired so badly, and also misses Elizabeth.

[Pip] “She was so supportive, she never judged … she was more of a friend”

But now, she’s too scared to even go and see her. And she does need to see her soon, if she wants a summer job at Lower Loxley.


“We’re your crew”

(I know I should stop making such a big fuss about the street language Jamie and his mates use – but it does grate ever so. They’re a bunch of village boys, for mighty sake!)

[Marty] “Since when did you become such a swat?”

[Steve] “Jamie, stop being a div, get out here!”

They’re persuaded Jamie (yet again) to stop studying, and go out to play … sorry, ‘hang …



Chris will be his own boss

Chris calls Alice to tell her that he’s bought his van – only 24,000 on the clock – so all he has to do now is convert it for farriering.

AND, his boss has said that he will:

[Chris] “definitely get first dibs”

Alice is just as excited, but Chas is not impressed.

He sounded quite perturbed that Chris had already spent the money Chas loaned him – one can only assume that Chas was thinking of trying to get it back to pay his own ever mounting debts.

And our Alice-that-isn’t-acting-like-Alice didn’t pick up that Chas was grumpy when she told him about the van. She even failed to notice that one if his first responses was reminding her that the first payment is due Wednesday.

Would love to see Chris miss a payment, then Chas trying to bully Chris.

Chris has always seemed to be a strapping young man, and he had rather heavy tools to hand …


Alice not keen to leave Chas?

Alice didn’t seem too enthralled when Chris mentioned that she only has 2 weeks left on Uni.

It could be that she has exams to first get through.

Could be that she’ll miss the student life (although she is then off to study at Felpersham).

Could be that she’s enjoyed the freedom of living single, but being married.

Could be that she’s realising that, as Chris has sorted the next 50 years of his life (by buying the van), she’s heading home to properly be settled down,

Or, doesn’t she want to leave Chas?


We all think it about some older folks driving …

… but we don’t peep out horn and shout at them.

It’s as inevitable as taking over one slow lorry to find another one ten minutes later. Better to just relax, and make sure you leave a bit earlier in case there are slow drivers, lorries, cyclists, tractors …

But, Jamie’s ‘crew’ reckon it’s jolly good spot to harass old men.

Nice.

They also start calling Jamie a wuss again.

[Steve] “Look, Jamie, we’re you’re crew, we’ve got your back, you know that, but when you start acting all strange and that, we get nervous, we’ve got to know you’re solid”

[Jamie] “Yes, I’m solid, alright!”

So Steve and Marty decide to make him prove it.

If anyone has got a better idea of what they were actually doing at the bridge – it sounded something like having to walk under it? – let me know, as I couldn’t picture it.

But they ‘dare’ him to do it (whatever ‘it’ was), and surprisingly also do ‘it; themselves. I thought they were setting him up.



What does “such a Tony, sometimes” mean?

Alice said it to Paulie when he was taking the Michael.

What does it mean?

Tony Blair? Hancock? Benn? Bennett? Adam? Hawk? Blackburn?

Or is it Toni? Or a girl’s name?

Of something completely different???

I have no ken …

Ambridge Extra Thursday 26th May 2011: Jamie’s a thief with a conscience

• Wigging out
• Kirsty and Rhys are engaged
• Neither a lender not a borrower
• Spencer is definitely marriage material
• Nice present for a fish
• Alice is still oblivious

Wigging out

Jamie’s pondering a bracelet that he’d like to buy for Natalie.

Marty is not impressed.

[Marty] “I reckon Steve had it spot on … you, you’ve gone soft … didn’t know you were going to turn into a girl as well … look at you, wigging out over some jewellery”

(the Urban dictionary reckons ‘wigged out’ is: Being devoid of reality, To lose sense of normalcy, An out of body experience. To act crazy as a reaction. To briefly flirt with lunacy)

With a heckler hardly being conducive to choosing a present for one’s girlfriend, Jamie’s ready to give up trying to find something. Any anyway, the jewellery is too expensive.

At which point Marty becomes interested again. He wants Jamie to steal it.

[Marty] “What’s the big? You’ll prove that you’re solid. Don’t you want to prove to Steve that he’s wrong .. .stop being a wuss, just swipe it”

So he does.


Kirsty and Rhys are engaged

Well, not really.

It was all just a ruse to wind Fallon up – to get her back for being so adamant that Kirsty and Rhys should date.

Kirsty started off that she also “can’t believe it could be like this”, which made Fallon over the moon.

(Though, when Fallon was checking that all was okay in the bedroom department, she sounded like she was about to ask what exactly does go on in the bedroom department … has Jolene not had ‘that’ talk with Fallon yet?)

Then, during the party that they were at, Rhys and Fallon stopped the music – and made the announcement that they were engaged.

Kirsty keeps laying it on thick. That it was all because of Fallon. That it was her idea.

[Kirsty] “Put preconceptions aside, and just jump straight in”

Fallon starts to sound a bit horrified at the (very loving) monster she’s created. She baulks at Kirsty asking her to be chief bridesmaid.

But Rhys and Kirsty don’t let her stew for long. They tell her the truth, and they all have a good laugh about it.

[Kirsty] “This is about the first thing we’re enjoyed doing together!”

[Rhys] “Put down your bow and arrow!”

Hmm. Very odd behaviour from Fallon, but at least we’re met Rhys properly.

Neither a lender not a borrower

Chas is in a bad way.

He’s now trying to get the folks he’s lent money to (and been harassing ever since with his rather pathetic big man routine) to pay him more back earlier.

Actually. He doesn’t ask. He begs.


Spencer is definitely marriage material

Spencer tells Kirsty that he’s worried about Pip.

He’s starting to think she’s starting to lose interest in him.

Kirsty tells him about the whole David/Elizabeth situation.

Later, he gently tells Pip that he knows. And that he’d totally understand if she needed to spend more time with her family. Also, that’s he’s there for her to talk to.

Bless him indeed. Keep a hold of this one, Pip.


Nice present for a fish

As Marty gets hassled by a goose, Jamie can’t tackle down his sense of guilt over stealing the bracelet.

[Jamie] “It just doesn’t feel right”

He feels bad about stealing it. And worse at the thought of giving Natalie a birthday present that he’s stolen.

So, he chucks it in the river.

[Marty] “What did you do that for? What’s Steve going to say? He’s going to think you’re a right loser now … he’s right, you have gone weird”

Probably would have been better to have taken the bracelet back to the shop, but at least Jamie’s taken another step in the right direction.

Tell the moronic thugs to get lost, young Mr Perks. Go on.


Alice is still oblivious

Chas is in a foul mood.

Alice puts it down to exam stress, and starts wittering on about going on holiday once she’s finished the Uni term. Even thinks of South Africa …

[Chas - shouting] “And I thought you needed to buy a van … I’m glad to see you’re putting my money to good use!”

He later apologies.

[Chas] “I need you, Alice. I’d go stark staring mad if I fell out with you on top of everything else … We need to get through these last few weeks together”

What an odious little creep.

Worse still – where has our Alice gone? She’s an Aldridge, for goodness sake. She should have the second site when it comes to tricksters …

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 24th May 2011: Chas has a wicked brother-in-law

• Jamie doesn’t use a plate for his bacon sarnie
• Rhys and Kirsty … Game On
• Jamie can spot a softening up when it happens
• Jackie Parker has disappeared
• Frigid kid?
• It’s called Borchester because …
• Pip drinks cinnamon latte
• Steve and Marty on the nick
• Aw. Spencer can even tell when Pip’s upset
• When’s a brother not a brother?

Jamie doesn’t use a plate for his bacon sarnie

And rushes out without a by or leave to Fallon.

Well, I never!


Rhys and Kirsty … Game On

Rhys and Kirsty, after admitting to each other that there is no heart-flutterings between them. Have decided to get their own back on the rather bizarre Fallon (why oh why was she so determined to get them together?).

So looks like the plan is to pretend that Rhys is smitten.

[Rhys] “She’s amazing … I never knew a girl like her … she’s gorgeous, she’s funny, she’s smart … she’s got the most spectacular … There is nothing more riveting than sitting for hours watching a heron waiting for his prey .. .especially if you watch it in a hide … they can be very private places … if you know what I mean … Kirsty Miller has fired arrows straight through my heart”

Rhys later calls Kirsty to tell her he’s hooked Fallon into believing him.

[Rhys] “I can hardly keep my face straight. Touch you!”

(the inference is – as if I would! And Kirsty agrees likewise).

So they reckon it’s “Game on”, wind up Fallon time.


Jamie can spot a softening up when it happens

Jamie is quite perturbed that Jolene has cut his hours back by half, so now he only works a Sunday.

He even noticed Jolene tactics of trying to make it (somehow) less painful with a bacon sandwich.

[Jolene] “She gave me a bacon sandwich to soften me up”

He reckons it’s all Kathy’s fault. So expect a bit more shouting to come …

Problem is – without the cash, how is Jamie going to buy a present for Natalie?

(and I will admit that I really could care less)


Jackie Parker has disappeared

Jackie is the student who owed Chas money. She’s seemingly done a runner.

Alice has heard about it from some of her Uni mates, and tells Chas.

He first just seems angry that he might not see his money.

Then, Chas seemed to be a bit nervous.

Was he starting to feel guilt about the reality of what he does to folks he lends money to? That he causes them stress, worry, does something so horrible to them that they have to run away. In Jackie’s case, she’s run before she could get her degree.

Or, is he more worried about Alice now finding out what he’s been up to?


Frigid kid?

[Marty] “Hey Pip, that’s not a very nice hand gesture”

(Pip has seemingly made a gesture at Steve as he drives by, and makes a bloke-on-a-building-site remark to her)

[Steve] “Is that why you’re going out with my brother then? You don’t like getting interest from a real man.”

[Pip] “No Steve. I’m just not interested in his little brother … get a life”

(Marty starts sniggering)

[Steve] “Shut up Marty. She’s a frigid kid anyway”

What a charmer that Steve is….



It’s called Borchester because …

… it’s boring.

So reckons Marty.

And that’s why I listen to Ambridge Extra. I’ll learning something new every day (!).


Pip drinks cinnamon latte

Oh how young farmers have changed.



Steve and Marty on the nick

While Jamie is off ‘studying’ with Natalie, Steve and Marty steal video games.

How very droll.

Steve reckons Jamie has gone a bit soft for choosing a girl over his mates.

[Steve] “Let Jamie do what he wants. We don’t need him”

Oh, now there’s a happy thought.

If Steve and Marty ‘dump’ Jamie, there might be hope for him after all.


Aw. Spencer can even tell when Pip’s upset

And what’s more, he even cares enough to want her to tell him.

But Pip seems to be an apple fallen close to David’s tree. She won’t tell him.

Ticking time bomb, that whole side of the Archers clan.




When’s a brother not a brother?

When he’s an evil brother-in-law.

Chas in back on the phone to (London) Vince. He has to tell Vince that Jackie has done a runner, so he will be late in paying back the money he loaned from Vince in the first place to loan to Jackie (still with me?).

And the plot thickens.

Vince is a bit perturbed to hear that Chas needs more time to pay him. And mentions that the job he was lining up for Chas in London may not now happen.

Is it a job in the City? As a money collector? A bouncer?

Chas seemingly starts to feel a bit under the cosh.

[Chas] “Please! I’m your brother …”

[Vince] “ … in-law. And how do you think your sister will react when she find out that I’ve lost 16 grand?”

How odd that Chas called his brother-in-law his brother – but odder still that Vince doesn’t seem to give a hoot about his wife’s brother.

Doesn’t seem like quite a nice family at all.

Now Chas has to pay double the interest to Vince, by the end of next week.

And that 16 grand must be the amount Chas loaned to Chris.

Trouble is afoot …

Ambridge Extra Thursday 28th April 2011: The Royal Wedding … eh???

click the title above, or the 'read more' link below the bullet points, to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

• Still can’t get the hang of Ambridge Extra’s alternate universe
• Marty “would” Fallon
• “whatever”
• Larger and chips for Alice and Chris
• Chris is a genius
• Finding Pip and Spencer quite endearing
• Jamie goes to the toilet, can’t afford pizza and suffers Polly
• The Royal Wedding (a day before the rest of humanity)
• Chas: the not very scary loan shark

Still can’t get the hang of Ambridge Extra’s alternate universe

I really can’t work it out.

One minute, it’s behind ‘normal’ Ambridge days – then it jumps forth in time.

Hard enough working out which teenage lad is talking, without having to cope with time travel theorem.

It has to be a conspiracy.

How can the secret microphones be recording on Friday when it’s Thursday, unless something strange and sinister is afoot.

Maybe that’s why the Barwick Green version is so damn terrifying … setting the tone.



Marty “would” Fallon

[Jamie – saying he prefers no Jolene] “It’s just me and Fallon. We have a laugh.”

[Marty] “I would …”

Seems “I would” means that Marty would quite like to set his cap at Fallon.

He reckons he was talking hypothetically, as Fallon’s way out of his league.

I don’t know, but. Fallon might welcome any male attention after her very long drought.

Whatever did happen to Harry? Why’s he not speaking? Did he and Fallon fizzle out as fast as they fizzled on?


“whatever”

I’m a bit perturbed that Ambridge Extra is starting to make me think and sound like an old grumpy person.

Jamie was talking to Marty about how he also doesn’t like Kenton’s overtones:

[Jamie] “He’s always on my case. Trying to buddy up and take an interest. Well he can forget that”

So, Marty, hearing that Jamie was now not entirely happy at The Bull came up with a fairly reasonable suggestion:

[Marty] “If you do go home. I reckon your mum would be so desperate, you’d have her right where you’d want her”

To which Jamie only said a quick ‘not really what I want to do’ – to which Marty replied “whatever”.

I don’t get it.

They were having a conversation – Marty suggestions something – Jamie doesn’t entirely agree (but isn’t argumentative or dismissive) – so why the “whatever”?

I thought that was just (by young ‘uns) to mean that they were bored or disagreed with what you were saying, and didn’t have the vocabulary to express themselves in a more traditional way.

Fair enough.

But “whatever” during a matey chat?

Lost on me.

And damn you! Damn you all!! I don’t want to sound like my granny used to (give me a few more decades, at least).



Larger and chips for Alice and Chris

Brilliant. That Chris knows how to show a lass a grand time.

(I’m actually just jealous)


Chris is a genius

He gets extra chips. And then lands major brownie points for watching something he doesn’t want to, in a place he wants to be.

Chris tells Alice he’ll watch the Royal Wedding (well, “Kate and Will” to Chris) for her sake, and quite ungrudgingly, as long as they do so in the pub.

Nice.

Alice’s happy that her man cares enough to think about what she wants to do, and her man is happy that she’s happy, in the pub with him.

Evelyn Waugh would have a tough time finding something to write about with those two as his only inspiration …



Finding Pip and Spencer quite endearing

Just as Ted and Peggy in Ambridge proper are really sweet, Spencer and Pip are being quite heart-warmingly tender.

[Spencer] “I always enjoy skittles night”

Bless them.

They have a jolly nice time at skittles, then Spencer mentions that he has a cunning plan instead of watching the wedding (which Pip is none too bothered about).

And Spencer’s a farmer.

That’ll be Brookfield’s future sorted, then.



Jamie goes to the toilet, can’t afford pizza and suffers Polly

Not sure why Marty was hanging round the toilets while Jamie was in there

[Marty] “You’ve been a while mate”

I thought it was just women who shared public toilet experiences. Well, apart from the occasional gentleman’s-gentleman.

Jamie’s having a bit of a rubbish time. He thought he was going to Spud’s house (whoever Spud is), but they end up in a Pizza place.

He can’t afford a pizza. Marty offers him some of his, but he doesn’t like pepperoni. And Polly is in the corner “with some stupid rugby player”.

Goodness me. As if Jamie needed anything extra to moan about.


The Royal Wedding (a day before the rest of humanity)

Rhys reckons she’s run off and married Gavin Henson …

[Rhys] “ realised she’s got to go to Wales to marry a real man”

The Bull is serving Royal wedding lager:

[Rhys] “I sing Rule Britannia while I pour it”

Pip and Spencer avoid the wedding to find a quiet spot. He’s used orienteering calculations to:

[Spencer] “not be seen for miles … the changes of anyone not interrupting us should be very slim … bride and groom should be appearing on the balcony of Buckingham Palace, and you know what everyone’s hoping for … what I’ve been hoping for for days …”

(and they kiss)

Alice wouldn’t say no to their 10th year anniversary blessing happening in Westminster Abbey.

And:

[Rhys] “Are you going to hang around now then? Spend the rest of the afternoon in a romantic alcoholic daze?”

(no. Chris and Alice went back home)

And that was that.

What a brain freeze.

Wonder if the microphones will be caught out? Will something extraordinary happen tomorrow? Would serve those microphones right for being so un-Ambridge.



Chas: the not very scary loan shark

You find me in a very negative mood with Ambridge Extra, and I do apologise.

But I couldn’t help but think that Chas sounded a bit weak as he was trying to pressure some bloke called Reggie into paying back his loan.

I think most folks would have laughed at his attempt at ‘I’m a Mitchell!’ routine. Or bounced him out of their house.

Maybe he’s picking on particularly weak/vulnerable people, as Reggie certainly seemed to be scared.

[Chas] “Come on Reggie. I know you’re in there. I can see you, you fool”

[Chas] “Believe me, old chap, ask around. You really don’t want to let me down.”

I’ll start a fund to raise Reggie’s £400, if only not to have to suffer that insufferable twerp Chas playing the big man again.

Ambridge Extra Thursday 21st April 2011: Chas is evil, but only cause Alice lets him be so

click the title above, or the 'read more' link below the bullet points, to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

• To be young, and able to sleep in after a heavy night
• Alice interrogated by the Police
• Jamie harassed by Polly’s mates
• Chas is a proper ‘boo, hiss!’ villain
• Their eyes met over sheep wormer
• Kirsty and Pip cat-fight?

To be young, and able to sleep in after a heavy night

[Marty’s dad] “Rise and shine sleeping beauties … it’s a beautiful day out there … had a few shandys, have you?”

Jamie and Marty are crashed out at Marty’s head, but his dad comes in to wake them up.

So, Jamie and Marty then head over to Jamie’s house (well, Kathy’s house, to be technically correct) as they know she’s at work. They want to keep sleeping.

So they do. And Jamie misses work at The Bull. Again.

Then they’re off out again that night to a club (which was “wicked” and “top”), staying at Marty’s again.

This time, Marty’s dad isn’t around, so they sleep in until 2pm.

Which means Jamie missed work at The Bull. Yet again.

Nice one, Jamie. Very astute of you to also infuriate Jolene and Fallon, so that you’ll eventually end up with no job and no-where to live.

Shall you then be running back to mummy?

But hang on – from the sounds of it – “hanging out” with Steve and Marty in Borchester is likely to include shoplifting, so at least the Police can give you a lift home.


Alice interrogated by the Police

Although being told that she’s not under caution, Alice must have been sweating during her Police interview – she knew that a lot of what she was about to say was either a lie (that she and Chas are an item), or something that she’d only been told to say (by Chas, as she was too drunk to remember).

Asked about that chap Sean (the one who’d been beaten up):

[Alice] “He started dancing with me, very close … too close … and his hands, well you know …”

[Policewoman] “He was overly intimate with you … and did Charles Forster intervene at any point?”

(aha! Chas does have a proper name after all. I thought he’d simply been named after Chas’ and Dave).

Alice says that Chas did step in, but that he only pushed Sean away.

[Policewoman] “How would you describe your relationship with Mr Forster?”

[Alice] “… recently, we’ve been seeing each other”

[Policewoman] “And you were with him the whole time”

[Alice] “Yes”

Not clever to lie to the Police, I think you’ll find Alice. Not clever. At. All.



Jamie harassed by Polly’s mates

Jamie’s getting “grief” from Polly’s mates by text, after he ignored her the other night (when he was the one who asked her round in the first place).

It’s okay, Polly’s mates. If you want to escalate up from texting to something more … ahem … direct … none of us will stop you.


Chas is a proper ‘boo, hiss!’ villain

The :Police don’t see through Alice’s lies, so they let her go. The first person she calls is Chas.

[Chas] “Did you stick to the story … how did it go, did they buy it?”

Alice reckons she just told them what had happened.

Is she dense?

Surely she must have spotted that Chas was a tad too stressed about proving his innocence (guilty conscience), and that she doesn’t actually know what happened.

Why is she being so blind and weak when it comes to Chas?

She really wants to get back home to Chris, but it doesn’t take much persuading from Chas to get her to take a detour to see him.

And once again – chase is slagging off Chris:

[Chas] “He’ll be working tomorrow, with his little hammer in his hand”

(aye – but even the littlest hammers can cave a skull, I think you’ll find).

When they meet up, Chas admits:

[Chas] “The truth is, I did actually hit him … he followed us out, he was all over you and I had to get physical with him … he turned really nasty, I had no choice”

(on why he is only telling this to Alice after she’d now unwittingly lied to the Police)

[Chas] “I didn’t want you to knowingly lie for me … I did it for you, to protect you, you see”

[Alice] “I suppose”

[Alice] “I really think we should own up”

[Chas] “It’s still assault, no matter how pure my motives were. I have my finals coming up, and I don’t want this hanging over my head, you don’t want that do you … maybe I shouldn’t have done it, but I couldn’t bear the way that scumbag was treating you, taking advantage of a drunk woman, and a married woman too, you’re too good a friend to let that pass”

[Alice] “Thank you”

(on Alice being worried about Chris finding out)

[Chas] “How can he find out? Don’t worry sweetheart. Everything’s cool.”

What? What what what what?????

How utterly pathetic is Alice being. Why on earth is she behaving like this, and simply whimpering after Chas? Is he that magnetic a personality?

Very, very bizarre. And not remotely in ‘character’. Alice is an Aldridge, after all!!!

I don’t like this Chas, and I don’t like Alice when she’s around Chas.

I do not advocate violence, but Chris needs to find out, and give Chas a good slapping (I know – that is violence, but needs must!).




Their eyes met over sheep wormer

Pip and Spencer bump into each other as she’s buying sheep wormer, and he’s buying jumpers (don’t you just love proper country stores! Dog food, next to ferret food, next to bridles, next to clothing, next to sheep wormer!).

Spencer asks out Pip for a coffee there and then – which she’s only too happy to accept.

And even though they’re caught by a Mr Buxton (who owns a boarding kennels and breeds Springers … actually he’s quite dull when it comes to Springers. Tends to go on and on … seemingly), they then have a jolly time in Jaxx.

And Spencer is sounding more and more impressive.

Pip reckons he was very patient and good with the boring Mr Buxton:

[Pip] “You did very well Spencer. The perfect gentleman”

(could we imagine her ever being able to have said that to Jude over his behaviour?)

And Spencer isn’t worried about fashion (and all that nonsense). He just wears what’s comfortable. He was worried about being underdressed for Jaxx, but Pip reassured that the student types tend to look more like farmers than he does, what with their jeans and checked shirts. The trendsetters that they think they are …

[Pip] “I used to go out with one”

[Spencer] “The checked shirt type?”

[Pip] “It didn’t end very well …”

No Pip - it ended very well indeed. Jude leaving the country was a huge result!


Kirsty and Pip cat-fight?

Kirsty brings Pip and Spencer’s coffee over, but then plonks herself down at their table.

(to be fair, she did have Council types in, celebrating someone’s leaving do. How horrid!)

And did we detect a slightly flirty edge to Kirsty as she congratulated Spencer over his Fun Run win?

She sounded like she was about to feel a bicep …

Will Kirsty makes a play for Pip’s new man even before he has become hers?

Ambridge Extra Thursday 7th April 2011: Facebook and underage drinking

The second eavesdropping episode of Archers extra

click the 'read more' link below the bullet points to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

• Alice wakes up in Chas’ bed
• Binge drinking and boxers
• Pip fancies Spencer
• Jamie is just weak
• Chris wasn’t really bothered
• All studying, farming and no play make Pip a …
• We’d expect it of Jamie, but not Daniel
• So – was it better second time round?

Alice wakes up in Chas’ bed

[Chas] “You know for a size 10, you take up an awful lot of room in the bed”

But not to worry too much – Chas left Alice’s clothes on.

(someone needs to tell Alice that you ‘don’t have to take your, clothes off, to have a good time, oh no’ … Jermaine Stewart, ’88)



Binge drinking and boxers

So the moral of the tale is that one should not binge drink. Especially when it causes one to blank out.

Alice can’t remember leaving the club, but it sounds like Chas didn’t take advantage. Though I still think sleeping next to a comatose woman is a bit creepy.

Even creepier was when Chas popped out of his boxers in front of Alice.

He wasn’t even embarrassed. He just told Alice that she shouldn’t be looking.

Not too sure if I like, or trust, this chap.

[Chas to Alice] “Trust me, you’ve done nothing wrong”

Hmmm.


Pip fancies Spencer

Pip pops up in Ambridge Extra.

She chats to some bloke called Steve, who has a brother called Spencer, who Pip was asking after.

Steve didn’t seem to like that.

Steve fancies Pip, but Pip fancies Spencer.

(as I type that, I can be rather honest and say that I really couldn’t care!).

Anyhoo, Pip seems to have good hair these days, according to Steve.

(*sigh*)


Jamie is just weak

Turns out Steve is a mate of Jamie’s.

And he helped me to understand that Jamie really isn’t all that bad – he’s just very (very) weak willed.

It only takes a very slight application of pressure, and the mention of a video game (road racer – is that real?), to get Jamie to bunk off school.

Then Marty and Steve manage to make him go try and buy alcohol. Which really took no effort at all.

Bad tempered and weak. Oh dear.



Chris wasn’t really bothered

What was Chris going on about?

He’d tried to phone Alice 5 times, and seemed quite out-out that he’d seen a video on Facebook, of Alice behaving rather drunkenly with “some bloke” last night.

But he actually really wasn’t that put out. He let it drop just as quickly.

Odd.

Is Chris starting to not care too much about what Alice gets up to? Has he been up to his own shenanigans?


All studying, farming and no play makes Pip a …

… rather serious young woman.

Which is fine. Anything but ‘Pip in love’.

But I might be speaking too soon. As Pip is chatting to Kirsty in Jaxx (where’s she’s having a coffee over her study books … very serious young lady indeed), she agrees to do the forthcoming fun run.

The very next thing Pip does is to call Spencer to see if he wants to do it as well.

Ho hum. He can’t be any worse than Jude … surely???


We’d expect it of Jamie, but not Daniel

After being pressured to go and try some booze (at least he hasn’t stolen from The Bull … yet), Jamie’s showing his dim side.

He takes up the cider, air freshener and some mints to the counter, but hasn’t got any ID.

At first the shop lady is quite nice about refusing him, but he pushes his luck by begging. Then claiming that he was 18, as he’d been born July 1993.

Thick, thick, thick …

The shop lady is just about to call for the manager, when Daniel shows up and saves Jamie by saying that their mum was ready to go.

Outside, Daniel tells Jamie that he knows where he can buy booze – and then manages to do just that. His trick was to have his mum’s car keys in his hand (and probably didn’t come across as a complete idiot).

Jamie is a year older than Daniel, but you’d have though Daniel was at least 10 years the senior.

Daniel turns down Jamie’s offer for him to hang out with him and his mates, but maybe this is the start of Jamie and Daniel being mates again.

After all – as Daniel has proved – he’s not a complete choir boy.

By-the-by – did Jamie walk out with those mints without paying?



So – was it better second time round?

Not really.

I found myself being not too bothered about anything happening, and was soooooo relieved to hear the proper Barwick Green when I flipped over to the proper Archers.

I reckon someone, somewhere, has to admit that this extra Archers is one foe the kids.

Which is fine. For the kids.

Will I stop listening considering I don’t think it’s up to much?

Course not.

That’s the nature of addiction .. .you just can’t stop!

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 5th April 2011: the first eavesdropping episode

click the 'read more' link below the bullet points to read the full post on this eavesdropping episode

• Not so convincing Barwick Green
• Alice and Chris getting married
• Alice and Chris arguing
• *sigh* more hidden microphone time for Jamie
• Thank goodness – an adult!
• Alice gets drunk
• Jamie to turn thief?
• The verdict? 15 minutes of Kevins and Judes

Not so convincing Barwick Green

Quite decidedly odd indeed.

Especially if Ambridge Extra is meant to be aimed at young ‘uns.

Like changing the theme of Top of the Pops – trying to be modern with a classic opener generally falls flat.

Or is that odd tone that pops up on Sunday omnibus time? I’m never up early enough to hear it.

(is Top of the Pops still going, by the way?)



Alice and Chris getting married

I was a tad confused at the opening lines of Ambridge Extra:

[some American bloke] “The description of marriage is love. Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not rude. Love is not envious. If the two of continue to love each other and do not tamper with one another’s trust, you’ll have a great and long marriage. Will you do that?”

(then all become clear what was happening

[Chris] “Yes”

[Alice] “Yup”

The microphones have travelled down to Alice at University, where she’s home watching her wedding video with her friends.

One of whom is call Paulie.

The other Chas.

And they all like jelly vodkas.

Od dear … this didn’t bode well at all ...


Alice and Chris arguing

Chris calls Alice, and drops the bombshell that he won’t be seeing her that weekend as he’s off to do snowboarding in Leeds at his mate’s stag do,

Alice is not amused that Chris has chosen a stag do over her. And in Leeds, of all places.

Chris doesn’t even text Alice later on, so she’s now worried that this is all “not like they really are.”

Sounds like love’s young dream isn’t that dreamy after all.

Which I suppose nit the point of Ambridge Extra – all we normally get to hear of Chris and Alice is when they’re back in Ambridge, all loved up and glad to be together.

Anyhoo – Alice is fine, as she has ‘Chas’ to drag her away from her study off out to a club.




*sigh* more hidden microphone time for Jamie

Which is a shame.

Despite my misgivings about Ambridge Extra, I was looking forward to hearing from Rhys, and maybe some of the other silent residents.

I didn’t really want to hear more of the moronic banter from that there Jamie.

(which adds to suspicion yet again that this is all for the young ‘uns. I suppose the can identify with Jamie’s grunts).

Jamie’s proudly telling Marty that he’s moved into the bull. What’s more:

[Jamie] “It’s my dad’s pub, it’s mine now … Jolene’s cool. And she feels guilty … and I have her wrapped round my little finger”

He does clarify that he only has a share, and only when he’s 18, but it’s a snifter of the arrogance that is Jamie.

Let’s hope he says something like that around Jolene. He’ll be back begging Kathy for a place to sleep in no time.



Thank goodness – an adult!

Kirsty pops up in Ambridge Extra … hurrah!

But not so quick … she’s there to tell Marty and Jamie off for knocking over Jaxx’s menu board, and to try and persuade Jamie to take part of a Fun Run taking place next week round Lakey Hill.

(Kenton also makes an appearance, but mainly to try and get Kirsty into a costume for the Fun Run. Steady on matey!)

He is not impressed. Especially as his mates can hear.

[Jamie] “Of course not. Why would I want to do something stupid like that!”

So off they pop again. Dragging their knuckles off to their mate’s car, to do the (very old) boy racer routine.

I’m still in shock that one of them was heard to mutter: “What’s going down here then?”

“going down”?????

Not before the watershed, surely?


Alice gets drunk

“Chas” is plying Alice with tequila, and talk of how marriage isn’t really his thing.

But never fear – Chas turns out to be a good ‘un.

Which is more than can be said for some other bloke called Shaun. He spots Alice is bladdered – tries to chat her up – seems to be having some sort of result (which his mates are shouting “Get in there Shaun!” in the background).

Rather than be horrified at this blatant molestation, Alice seems to welcome it:

[Alice] “You’re very, very bad …”

But she is rather drunk. Which is when Chas steps back in to remover her from Shaun’s clutches.

But not before someone takes a photo.

On a Facebook near you soon? Chris will just love that.



Jamie to turn thief?

Now that Jamie has boasted that The Bull is part his, his mates want him to slope off some booze.

Which he doesn’t want to do (still something good like about the boy?):

[Jamie] “I’m not doing it, okay. It was my dad’s pub and I’m not ripping it off”

[Marty] “It’s not like your dad can see you!”

But Marty does point out that Jamie’s other mates will be impressed – surely just a matter of time before he gives in, steals, gets caught by Fallon/Jolene and has to go back home?

Either that, or a serious lack of cashflow might do the trick. He’s already trying to get out of paying his share for fags and petrol.


The verdict? 15 minutes of Kevins and Judes

I was trying hard not to dislike Ambridge Extra. I had been prejudging it as a Hollyoaks wannabe. And someone quite rightly pointed out to me that I shouldn’t judge before I’d heard it.

My excuse was that (a) I’m an Ambridge Eavesdropper (so course I’ll judge!) and (b) the BBC promos made it sound like a Hollyoaks wannabe.

Which, quite frankly, it was.

So looks of teen blokes acting like atypical Kevins – and lots of Uni blokes acting like that god-awful Juuuuude (there’s a thought – wonder when his visa runs out …).

BUT

It was just the first eavesdropping episode. And I’m interested enough to listen again.

Will Ambridge Extra bring hoards of teenies to Radio 4 Extra to start their lifelong love affair with Ambridge?

I doubt it.

Is it ‘added value’ for us lifers?

Remains to be seen.

Was it worth of Ambridge?

Hmmm. Jury is out on that one, for me. After all, even the ‘adult’ Ambridge can sometimes have its off days.

The Archers Wed 23rd March 2011: David and Ruth fallout over Johne’s

• Thought I’d stumbled onto an audio recording of Trainspotting
• David, Phil or Dan?
• Patsy and Horatio
• Poor Alistair
• A big boy did it and ran away
• George isn’t a happy chappy
• “You’re going a bit mad”
• Marty is back!
• Last man to see Nigel alive

Thought I’d stumbled onto an audio recording of Trainspotting

[Alistair] “It’s okay David, I’ve got the vein. Let me wipe it.”

Cripes!

It’s okay though. It was just Alistair testing the Brookfield herd for Johne’s Disease.

And anyway. Trainspotting is fiction.



David, Phil or Dan?

Alistair’s trying to reason with Ruth and David that Johne’s Disease could have been in the herd since Phil, and even Dan’s, time.

He also tries to explain that it could have been caused by “mismanagement, not just poor husbandry” – but either way, it sounds like someone (sometime) is to blame.

To make matters worse – while there is a vaccine, it’s one that interferes with TB testing. So is too big a risk.



Patsy and Horatio

Patsy, normally Brian and Jennifer’s cleaner, has started at Brookfield while Emma is off having the spawn of Ed.

And she seemingly has a cat called Horatio.

Fancy!

And what was the verdict on Patsy’s work?

[Ruth] “She was quite terrifying. Like a force of nature! I mean, Emma’s so easy going”

Later, Ed happens to say to Emma:

[Ed] “You should see David and Ruth’s kitchen, it’s gleaming!”

What an idiot. Emma then has to launch into how she does her best, but it is David and Ruth who are mingers (I paraphrase), and that Brookfield is so big.

I wonder what Ruth will find more important. A better cleaner, or a nicer cleaner.

From what Emma is saying, doesn’t sound like cleanliness is particularly high on Ruth’s priorities.




Poor Alistair

He asks both Ruth and David out for a drink, but only gets David.

That’s a shame.

David’s hardly the life and soul these days.



A big boy did it and ran away

Well, not quite, but I reckon that’s what David would have like to say to Ruth.

[Ruth] “Alistair’s talk of poor husbandry is quite timely, isn’t it … it was you who put off the repairs to the calf shed that caused them to cough”

[David] “Hey, that is not fair … if you had listened, Ruth, Alistair never said this outbreak had anything to do with recent lapses … it must have been in the herd for years”

[Ruth] “And I’m saying we shouldn’t be complacent, David. You’ve had your eye off the ball since January,. Your neglect could have devastating consequences down the line”

[David] “Don’t call it neglect”

[Ruth] “You left them in a draft in a bitter wind , what else should I call it … you were careless”

[David] “I did my best. But I head to give my time to Elizabeth. You were the one who was here, on the spot”

[Ruth] “Oh don’t you dare try to blame me for this … I kept this farm going. But I couldn’t do everything … (maintenance) if you dealt with them instead of playing superman at Lower Loxley!”

Thank goodness Ed interrupted them as he came out of Brookfield after collecting some of George’s toys. That was all very (very) shouty.

But I wonder is Ruth is right, and David is setting up disaster for whichever of their brood takes over Brookfield.

Later on, when David and Ruth have had a calm talk, and David meets Alistair for that pint, he’s also pondering if he’s setting Brookfield up for a fall.

[David] “It has made us question what we’re doing with the herd”

Main issue is whether he and Ruth have expanded the herd too fast.

Maybe. But it could indeed have been there for years – it could have been David’s ‘neglect’ – and, as Pip found on the internet, seemingly up to 50% of UK herds may have sudden clinical Johne’s disease.



George isn’t a happy chappy

Not only is he having to now share his drawers with the new (as yet to be born) baby – drawers for clothes, that is – his toys are also now being put away to create more room.

But not to worry, George.

Ed has the answer to all your woes.

[Ed] “Come on George, let’s settle you in front of the telly”

“You’re going a bit mad”

So says Ed to Emma.

Brave chap.

Emma does seem to be particularly stressed. Baby due. Lots to sort. And not enough temper to cope.

To top it all, Clarrie’s also coming round on Sunday for her lunch, after Eddie insisted (!).


Marty is back!

*Groan*

Marty is Jamie’s mate, and tends to encourage him to hang around, drinking.

I also think Marty does sound particularly thick …

Which is what they were doing when Alistair met them.

I never quite get the teenage propensity to snigger over nothing. Marty and Jamie though the fact that Alistair is Jamie’s (step)dad was worth a snigger.

[Marty] “I can see where Dan gets it”

Gets what?

A decent personality and basic politeness?

(hark at me ... Mary Whitehouse reincarnated)

Marty reckons Jamie’s lucky to only have one parent, as

[Marty] “They’re hard to dodge when there’s two of them”

Jamie’s quite rightly indignant that luck has nothing to do with it!

[Jamie] “My dad’s dead, Kenton’s deserted me, my step-mum’s gone mad … no-one gives a damn about me!”

*sigh*

That’s because you make it so hard to care, young sir.



Last man to see Nigel alive

Which is David. And he’s not looking forward to the inquest next week.