Pondering The Archers: sabrina thwaite

Wheelie Bins are Council responsibility

So Brenda tells a “stupid” tenant.

Steady on Brenda.

As a marketer, you should know how important it is to build good customer relations.

Brenda’s back to making coffee

With Matt away, Lilian’s determined to get back into running her business. She reckons she’s left Brenda to cope alone long enough.

With Lilian back at the helm, Brenda’s immediately despatched to make coffee. Which Brenda will likely moan about just as much as when she was in charge.

Who knocked a post down?

Somebody did, at The Bull.

Though no-one seems concerned about it, so would seem it doesn’t matter.

Odd.

It doesn’t take much to excite Sabrina Thwaite

Seems she and her friends are very excited indeed about the forthcoming fashion show at the Bull.

[Lilian] “The yummy mummies, yes I can imagine.”

Arthur died, Matt didn’t tell Lilian

It fell to Brenda to mention it in passing.

Seems it happened a couple of weeks ago. Brenda was only talking about it as Joyce can’t stand to live in her and Arthur’s house anymore, so is moving into the flat Matt had been harassing them about.

So, Matt gets exactly what he wants.

[Brenda] “I would have thought he’d have mentioned it.”

[Lilian] “So would I!”

So, rather than go to The Bull’s fashion show, Lilian lies in wait for Matt.

When he gets in, he doesn’t start well:

[Matt] “Dinner ready?”

Then, when confronted by Lilian about Arthur, Matt claims he’s positive he told her. In fact, Matt blames Lilian for forgetting due to the “stress” of having James and Leonie around.

[Matt] “You shouldn’t beat yourself up about it.”

Oh Matt, you’re playing a dangerous game there …

Lilian’s adamant Matt didn’t tell her about Arthur. Because he didn’t. Matt would have been too focused on getting Joyce out of the bigger house, into the flat.

Lilian’s obviously upset. She’d spent a lot of time with Arthur when Joyce was in hospital. She would have wanted to go to Arthur’s funeral.

And, of course, she thinks Matt’s treatment of Arthur and Joyce led both to Joyce being hospitalised, and now Arthur dying.

Matt blames social services, and Arthur himself (!) for being stubborn.

[Matt] “The silver lining, at least Joyce can make a fresh start.”

[Lilian] “Oh you smug bastard. This is exactly what you wanted … that poor man’s death should be on your conscience. I don’t know how you can sleep at night,. And if you want some dinner, get it yourself!”

Oh Paul … it’s an open goal at the moment!

Lilian slips up

During their argument, Lilian tries to back her side up by saying that even Darrell didn’t know about Arthur dying.

[Matt] “How do you know he doesn’t know?”

Oops.

Better get better at lying, Lilian.

The Bull’s Fashion Show

The Bull is very busy for its inaugural fashion show.

But. The woman (someone called Leanne) who was supposed to compare has got ‘food poisoning’:

[Kenton] “That’s what she’s calling it.”

Quite right Kenton. ‘Food poisoning’ is always a rubbish excuse.

Anyhoo, Kenton steps up (again), to MC (again) and take the limelight (again).

[Kenton] “What I know about fashion, you could write on the back of a sequin.”

Kenton has the script for the show, so (technically) the audience didn’t have to suffer his quips all night.

But since when has Kenton ever stuck to the script?

[Kenton] “Ladies and … is that Jazzer at the back?”

Yes it was.

Since when has Jazzer passed up a chance to be in a room full of ladies?

Anyhoo, Kenton was very witty, and everyone had a fab night.

[Brenda] “Even Hilary Noakes is smiling!”

Blimey!

Saturday, 21 July 2012

A Horrobin grasses on a Horrobin: Sun 15.07.12

The Archers Sunday 15th July 2012

Emma phones Crimestoppers
Price or value?
Brookfield’s in a state
Sabrina’s in training for donuts
The Police came for Keith

Emma phones Crimestoppers

[Emma] “Well there’s someone you need to investigate … I know he was involved, that’s all I’m saying … it’s Keith Horrobin.”

Emma didn’t give her name, so no one will have a clue who ‘shopped’ Keith.

All credit to Emma. She’s generally not one of my favourite Ambridge residents, but she’s come good this time. Couldn’t have been easy.

Price or value?

Annabelle’s obsessions about the arable tender for the Super Dairy continues. (very odd).

Brian seems to be turning from not giving a hoot, to starting to twig that Home farm might not be a shoe-in after all.

[Brian] “They’re cowboy firms, trying it on, there’s no way they’d make a profit … they see BL as fresh meat, a soft target ripe for the picking.”

[Annabelle] “You’re mixing your metaphors, Brian … So, your line is we’re quite a bit more expensive, but we’ll give you better value for your money?”

Indeed it is. Brian reckons he can go in higher because he (well, Adam) is closer by to be able to deal with anything urgent. Most of the other firms are at least 15 miles away (imagine that! They’d take a whole extra 15 minutes to get there).

So Brian needs Adam to keep a record (and look back two years) to be able to evidence when he has been able to rush out and avert disaster.

Now I’d have though Adam would use this as his opportunity to scupper part of the Super Dairy (if a lesser company did get the contract, maybe they’d screw it up). But, Adam knows Home Farm needs this contract.

So he agrees. Albeit grudgingly.

Annabelle’s amazed at Brian’s persuasion prowess.

[Brian] “Never let the grass grow under my feet.”

[Annabelle] “Or any other forage crop!”

(ha!)

Brookfield’s in a state

We didn’t get to hear from David, Ruth or their brood today – but everyone else was saying what a mess the farm is in.

[Susan] “Bit of a state, is it?”

[Emma] “There’s hardly anything left. Just a few bits of twisted steel.”

Also a patio table and George’s bike are ruined.

[Susan] “Let’s hope the Police get their act together. Personally I’d throw away the key.”

Hmmm. Susan will change her tune soon enough …

Sabrina’s in training for donuts

Susan’s harassing Neil to join a team for the sports at the Fete.

[Susan] “Keeps saying if he plays for anyone at all, it’ll be the cricket team.”

[Emma] “That’d be worth seeing. Dad racing in his sleeping bag.”

[Susan] “What about the other, the dramatic donut race, or whatever it’s called.”

Seems the donut race involved running round the track four times, while putting more clothes on, and eating donuts.

[Susan] “What about Sabrina, she’s already training for it.”

I suppose that makes sense. Burn the calories off before you pile them on (or is she training by eating donuts while she runs?)

The Police came for Keith

Tracey burst into Susan’s while Emma was there to say that the Police had taken Keith that morning.

[Tracey] “They’re trying to do him for the fire … Some snake in the grass, anonymous of course”

[Susan] “Not Keith, that ridiculous, I can’t take this in!”

[Tracey] “Some nutter with a grudge phones up and they take it seriously.”

[Susan] “Especially when his name’s Horrobin.”

(well, that’s fair enough really. It usually is a Horrobin that’s to blame)

Later on, Keith turned up, he’d been released without charge.

[Keith] “Of course they have. They haven’t got a thing on me.”

Keith tried to ask Emma about George, but she responded rather coldly.

Tracey was still ranting about whoever grassed on Keith. She reckons it’s them who want “locking up”. But Keith didn’t want a fuss.

Wonder why …

So they start trying to work out who holds a grudge against Keith.

[Tracey] “Emma, you got any idea?”

Oh ho!

I would like to be Emma when Tracey works it out …

Thursday, 31 May 2012

Lynda goes on a Bloomin’ rampage 15.05.12

The Archers Tuesday 15th May 2012

Poly tunnels excite Tom
The pig arks need moved … again!
Adam and Jennifer give Darrell their thumbs up
Prison or the mother of your victim?
Don’t worry about the farm
Lynda is doing odd things in the cemetery
Grubbed pasture
Harry didn’t get his shirt off
An elder statesman or stateswoman required
Lynda’s badly misbehaving
Elona’s definitely an honest ‘un

Poly tunnels excite Tom

[Tom] “It’s arrived!”

[Jazzer] “My delivery for the playboy mansion? … aye, I saw the grin on your face. Only you could look that excited about a ploy tunnel”

The pig arks need moved … again!

Really – anyone know if pig arks need moved every other week?

It seems to be the only thing Tom ever tells Jazzer to do.

Jazzer’s none too happy about having to do it today. Tom suspects he has a hangover, but Jazzer reckons it’s just because he’s been up early doing the mil round (surely he does that most days?).

Adam and Jennifer give Darrell their thumbs up

[Darrell] “Takes more than a whack over the head to see this one, eh!”

Adam is out having a slow wander with Jennifer, stopping to have a chat with his near neighbour Darrell.

Adam reckons he’s sweet, Jennifer that he seems like a good chap.

Wonder if Jennifer would still think that if she knew he had a record …

Prison or the mother of your victim?

I reckon most would choose prison every time. Especially when that mother happens to be Jennifer Aldridge.

The nasty blokes who attacked Adam are on remand. They’ll face a court trial fairly soon.

[Jennifer] “Well, when they get one, I hope they throw away the key!”

[Adam] “Perhaps we should set you on them mum, then they’ll get what they deserve”

Don’t worry about the farm

Is what Brian and Jennifer keep telling Adam – but they’re the ones who keep mentioning it,

Seems the bloke who’s been hired to help I settling in well. Two of the deer have had calves, and the herd’s ear tagging is going well.

Lynda is doing odd things in the cemetery

Really, is there anything Lynda could do that would surprise us?

She’s been gathering broken eggshells. The broken eggshells mean the peregrines’ eggs are hatching. Lynda’s trying to work out how many chicks they have from the shells.

Well, that’s reasonable enough, I’d say.

Grubbed pasture

[Tom] “Ed had his pasture grubbed up, he thought one of the pigs might have escaped”

But no, all of Tom’s pigs are present and correct.

What could be doing that then? The Ambridge Beast …?

Harry didn’t get his shirt off

What a horrid man he is! Sabrina’s been on heat for months and months … all for nothing.

[Jazzer] “Did I tell ye, about Harry and Sabrina Thwaite? He did his lady Chatterley act for her … on her flower beds, for the promises auction, made sure his husband was away … not that she got her money’s worth, he kept his shirt on, mair fool him”

Poor Sabrina.

Though a good day for her husband Richard, I’d say.

(and again, why isn’t Harry speaking at the moment? Not like him to leave Jazzer to tell his business)

An elder statesman or stateswoman required

To cut the giant cake at the Jubilee.

Apply to Lynda Snell.

Lynda’s badly misbehaving

Lynda had earlier tried to corner Adam, but he and Jennifer had pleaded that he was tired and needed rest.

So, Lynda later went round his house. She didn’t take the hint, then.

He tells her again that he’s tired. But she’s not listening.

[Lynda] “Have you any plans for your front garden? … do you think you might spruce up? … It needn’t be too taxing. And gardening can be wonderfully therapeutic”

We didn’t get to hear Adam’s reply …

Next, we can hear Lynda and Tom having a rather loud and terse discussion, while we’re actually over at Elona and Darrell’s eavesdropping on their conversation.

[Lynda] “You see, I’m only referring to the parts of your garden that face the Green”

Lynda points out that The Bull and the Village shop will be perfect. Tom points out that they’re businesses. She then points out that Christine and Jim will also be perfect. Tom points out that they’re retired. He and Brenda work, and work all hours.

(well, Tom does. I’m sure Brenda could spare a few hours after she’s done making Matt and Lilian’s coffee)

[Lynda] “Even Adam’s agreed. Yes Tom. Even Adam. And I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be the one to spoilt it”

Tom tries to use Tony’s heart attack as an excuse (actually, it’s a fair one. Tom has to work extra to allow Tony to ease himself back into work gently).

[Lynda] “Maybe you should think of it as time to relax!”

Relax? Tom reckons he barely has time to breathe.

They’ve hit an impasse – until Darrell and Elona pop over. I thought they were about to complain about the noise, but they’re over to offer to do Tom and Brenda’s garden for them. Seems Elona has green fingers (but she also has at least 2 jobs … the busier helping the busy, it would seem).

[Lynda] “That’s what Britain in Bloom ought to be about, people pulling together to help one another, even when they’re still relatively new to the community. Upstanding citizens”

That’s the third resident to give Darrell and Elona their okay today. This must be heading to a great reveal of Darrell’s past.

Elona’s definitely an honest ‘un

Darrell’s chuffed that Matt is going to give him some regular work, 2 or 3 days a week at least.

Elona’s not so chuffed. Though they need the work, she’s not happy that Matt only pays Darrell cash in hand. She wants Darrell to talk to Matt about it, to make it a proper arrangement.

[Darrell] “I can’t. It’s none of my business”

Monday, 30 April 2012

When Alan met Carl 23.04.12

(it was adoration at first sight)

The Archers Monday 23rd April 2012

Those “so English” bells
Phil’s birthday
When’s a cake not a cake?
Tom’s had a grand day
Carl comes to tea
Lynda to “have a blitz on the noticeboards”
Promises still to be delivered

Those “so English” bells

Seemed the whole village was enjoying today’s bell ringing for Saint George’s Day. And Lily was one of the ringers.

Alan and Jill listened in together.

Well, they actually spoke through most of it.

Phil’s birthday

Was today. He would have really enjoyed the bells, reckoned Jill.

When’s a cake not a cake?

When it’s a gateau made by Lily for Elizabeth’s birthday the other day.

Actually, Lily had made Elizabeth’s whole birthday tea French themed.

Tom’s had a grand day

Which I always hate to hear, as success does make him ever that bit more smug.

Tom was actually taking time off to relax with a glass of wine, in the garden, with Brenda (while they listened to the bells).

Tom was chuffed that his poly tunnels are finally on their way. Because of the mix up, he’s also scored an inset netting and a shade net (whatever they are) thrown in free.

And he’s chuffed that Underwoods has increased their order for sausages.

And he’s chuffed that he’s also asked for, and got, a discount from one of their feed suppliers.

[Tom] “It shows how much untapped potential there is on the farm … think what I could do if I really got stuck in”

AND the Police have found his quad bike.

Phew! What a day.

[Brenda] “You just sit here and enjoy the warm glow of a good days work”

Though Tom did make mention that he might put the ready meals on hold for a while.

Interesting … actually, probably not.

Carl comes to tea
(and a biscuit)

Though Amy was annoyed at Alan for being late to meet Carl (only be 10 minutes), the ‘meet the parents’ trauma wasn’t at all traumatic.

Usha and Carl bonded over her experience of moving from Africa (her words), and his grandparents having moved from Jamaica to the UK. Usha says she still misses the warmth and colours of the African sun. The UK feels drab in comparison.

[Amy] “Nan said that too, like god has switched the lights off”

Carl reckons that his nan thinks that too. What’s more:

[Carl] “She likes to play up her exotic Caribbean routes”

They’re on again about how Carl goes to see his nan every weekend.

But that he’s got a photo of his nan on his phone is a bit creepy …

Seems Carl’s grandparents came from Mandeville in Jamaica. Which is also where Mabel (Amy’s nan, Alan’s first wife’s mum) came from.

That’s a coincidence.

And when Alan first comes in, Carl calls him “sir”. Then again when he was leaving.

Which was again a bit creepy, and quite unnecessary.

[Carl] “My grandmother is so impressed I’m going out with a pastor’s daughter”

Huh. Blatant sooking up as well.

After he’d gone:

[Alan] “Well, what a nice young man … and he really seems to have feelings for Amy … nice to be able to share Catherine’s memories. Mabel’s going to be so pleased Amy’s going out with someone with Jamaican roots”

[Usha] “Mabel will be buying a hat”

[Alan] “Amy’s found a thoughtful intelligent man who makes her happy”

Hmmm …

Lynda to “have a blitz on the noticeboards”

While Neil and Jill was sort out the wildlife area of the graveyard.

All in good cause:

[Jill] “You’ve got to have it all spick and span looking for the jubilee”

Quite.

Promises still to be delivered

It’s taking some folks some time to come good on the promises they auctioned off.

Though I suppose some of it was seasonal.

Ed and George will be round tonight to do a slug patrol at Jill’s.

Those eyebrows are still being raised about Sabrina Thwaite still telling Harry to wait to do his bit for her. Everyone thinks she wants it to be hot enough for him to take his top off.

[Jill] “If I was a bit younger, I might have out a bid in for him myself!”

Aye indeed. Good looking, intelligent, and ever so silent (these days …).

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Jim does some nifty calculations 22.02.12

The Archers Wednesday 22nd February 2012

Lilian doesn’t like ugly food
Lilian and Matt are pro Super Dairy
Still laughing at Lynda and her Llamas
Sabrina wants Harry to strip off
Eddie ‘the shark’ Grundy
£723 raised for Britain in Bloom
Jim’s cider formula
Tom’s going on. Again.

Lilian doesn’t like ugly food

Tom’s delivering Lilian’s veg box.

[Lilian] “What’s that ugly thing under the leeks?”

It’s celeriac, which Lilian reckons she’ll give to Jennifer.

[Lilian] “To be honest, a lot of it goes to waste, especially when it’s very muddy. I vet it out of loyalty really, left to myself I’d live off of titbits from Underwoods food hall. Still, Matt likes a square meal, so I make the effort”

Tom asks Lilian whether she would like the veg boxes more, and waste less, if the boxes had more “exotic” things like chili, aubergines and blueberries.

(Exotic? Really?)

[Lilian] “Blueberries are supposed to keep you alive forever”

Or at least able to keep you alive a bit longer if you’re overtly fond of G&Ts …

Lilian and Matt are pro Super Dairy

As Brian mention the other day.

Lilian tells Tom that they’re in favour because it’ll create jobs. And create more work for the construction industry.

No self-interest involved there then!

Still laughing at Lynda and her Llamas

Which I think is cruel.

[Eddie] “Who in their right mind could think a Llama could do an even job of cutting the grass … mind you, dad would have fancied their droppings for his veg patch”

[Mike] “Llama beans!”

Oh ha ha.

Sabrina wants Harry to strip off

In fact, she’s asked him to wit to do his 4 hours with her until it gets hot.

Saucy!

[Eddie] “Women used to think of me like that”

[Mike] “Yeah. Now they ask you to keep it on”

Eddie ‘the shark’ Grundy

Mike’s showing Eddie what water feature Vicky has chosen.

It’s called a Trevi. So Vicky’s now going on about Roman Holiday …

So now that Vicky has chosen her water feature:

[Eddie] “I’d prefer cash if that’s alright …or a cheque, made out to me”

Mike’s stunned.

[Mike] “What do you want, the shirt of me back? … You’re a shark Eddie.”

Well we all saw it coming.

Eddie meant to offer his labour, not to pay for the whole thing.

And what do they expect? Clarrie’s on the dole, for goodness sake.

£723 raised for Britain in Bloom

From the Promise Auction, which is great. Though no one knows where the £3 came from.

And it’s meant they don’t have to even consider Brian’s offer for BL to sponsor.

[Jim] “I’d rather we raised our own money than took Borchester Land’s shilling”

Jim’s cider formula

Jim’s telling Mike that the Cider Club are now filling out their forms. But, they still need to agree a %.

Mike’s horrified to hear that Joe was asking for 80%, though Jim got him down to 70%

[Mike] “You see that’s greedy … 50/50 more like”

Mike then mentions that Jim needs to create a formula to make it fair. An idea which Jim gets very excited about.

Jim goes away to do a few sums, and calls an urgent meeting of the Cider Club.

(I never knew Lilian was a member, by the way. Doesn’t seem she’s been doing much to earn cider from the Community Orchard …)

We then spend the next few hours (or so it seemed) listening to Jim presenting the new formula that’ll fairly solve who gets how much cider.

I’ll admit I went to sleep for most of it. Jim was waffling on about pictorial representations and circle graphs and the like. The few snippets I did catch:

[Lilian] “Pretty colours!”

[Jim] “Working on the principle of Pythagorean principle …”

[Lilian] “Oh, quotient groups eh?”

[Jim] “Does that answer your question Mike?”

[Mike] “I don’t know”

At the end – Jim had worked out that, according to his complex formula, the Grundys get 60%, everyone else 40% pro rata.

[Mike] “Well you’ve been round the letters of the alphabet, I suppose it’s fair”

[Joe] “You're looking gormless Mike Tucker”

[Mike] “I’m not sure what happened there …”

Lilian and Jim go off to get more drinks in.

She’s having a guffaw.

[Lilian] “Where did you study? The university of hokum?!?”

Ha!

Well done Jim. All sorted.

Though that was mighty dull eavesdropping …

Tom’s going on. Again.

This time about expanding the poly tunnels. Again.

[Tony] “ I can’t just magic up new produce”

[Tom] “So we can capitalise on this window of change!”

[Tony] “Do you remember than time when you wanted to produce organic nuggets and kebabs!”

But Tom reckons they were just novelty ideas.

[Tom] “Now is the opportunity, this is a revolutionary time for the Ambridge Organic brand and you want to talk about nuggets!”
[Tony] “Seems I can’t even have a joke with my son anymore …”

[Tom] “You obviously think it’s all a joke. I’m telling you, the veg is the weak link in the operation”

[Tony] “Don’t you dare patronise me Tom,. It's all very well this big talk, but who’s paying for these shiny new tunnels eh. I’m already in hock to Lilian and the bank!”

[Tom] “Oh just forget it”

And Tom storms off.

He later returns, to ask Tony (again) and tidying the year.

Tony agrees that it will get done. But he is more interested in treating one of his cow’s foot which has a blister. He’s using arnica and witch hazel.

At least there’s one farmer in the family.

Monday, 13 February 2012

Bit of a snooze day 13.02.12

The Archers Monday 13th February 2012

What film wouldn’t Ruth have liked?
Tom has broken a cow
A feature of oil and vinegars
Brenda helps cooks tatties and has some non-British wine
Proper sleeves on asparagus
Tom’s spicy meatballs are bland
Josh wants to be a dairy farmer
Will Grundy offers mole trapping
Sabrina Thwaite’s desperate for Harry
Now they’re going to write a letter!

What film wouldn’t Ruth have liked?

But Josh really enjoyed as a wee half term treat.

(seriously – very slow day. That was the biggest question of the lot!)

Tom has broken a cow

Idiot.

He finally does a milking shift, and comes back saying cow 373 looks lame.

A feature of oil and vinegars

Is the most exciting thing Helen had to say today.

She’s going to make a feature of oils and vinegars, teaming them up with herbs and mustards.

Heady times …

Brenda helps cooks tatties and has some non-British wine

I was losing the will to live …

Proper sleeves on asparagus

Gets a premium of 50p-60p, so it seems.

But organic status doesn’t really fetch much up.

[Tom] “It’s premium products and local … we’ve got to deal with the world as it is, mum”

Tom’s spicy meatballs are bland

Which woke me up a bit.

Ha!

Josh wants to be a dairy farmer

He was talking about how kids should follow their parents’ job.

[Josh] “It’s nice if you do though. Sort of feels right”

Ruth didn’t say anything about Brookfield possibly not having a dairy herd.

Will Grundy offers mole trapping

(for the Promise Auction)

Which is as functional and ordinary as it sounds.

Sabrina Thwaite’s desperate for Harry

Though it’s Brenda who can’t seem to shut up about bidding form him in the promise Auction.

She’s being very saucy indeed. She was saying that you get 4 hours of Harry’s time:

[Brenda] “As long as it’s in the garden …”

Well, living with Tom is bound to make a girl wander eventually!

Pat tells her that Sabrina is also going to bid:

[Pat] “Willing to pay handsomely”

[Brenda] “I’ve got no chance have I? She’s got loads of money!”

[Pat] “She’s desperate …”

Which Pat changes to “determined” after Brenda guffaws.

And what would David say to Harry sweating away in his garden? Ruth reckons not much. He’d just be glad someone was doing it.

Now they’re going to write a letter!

Guerrilla warfare indeed from Ruth, Pat and (now) Brenda.

The online petition is 3 figures, and they’re also now going to write to all of the Councillors on the planning committee.

Though Pat is worried that Debbie might join the affray.

Sounds like Pat and Ruth will also get to talk to the Parish Council alongside BL, and they’d really prefer it if it was just Brian presenting:

[Pat] “You know how Brian can have that attitude …”

[Ruth] “You silly little thing, you just don’t understand”

[Pat] “That might play right into our hands”

But, they both reckon Debbie would do far better in winning folks round.

So they’re going to use an Adam strategy.

Though they won’t outright ask Adam to support them:

[Pat] “Much as I’d like to rub Brian’s nose into it …”

They will at least mention how the Super Dairy divided Brian’s family, while Pat “strongly encourages” Adam.

Tough action indeed.

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

The launch of Ambridge Organics 02.02.12

The Archers Thursday 2nd February 2012

Sabrina agrees with the Super Dairy
It’s website war!
Pat launches
Lynda’s Surprise
Lilian and Jennifer on a “right ding dong”

Sabrina agrees with the Super Dairy

Well, job done then for Brian. What with Sabrina being such an influencer …

Brian chatted to Sabrina as she was jogging on one of Home Farm’s footpaths (course, all he was interested in was talking to her about the Super Dairy … nothing to do with her in sportswear …).

Seems Sabrina had got the BL leaflet about the Dairy, and was very impressed.

[Brian] “She was going on and on about how clean and airy it looked, said it had made her much happier about the whole thing … Richard agrees with her, and he’s on the Parish Council”

But two Thwaites do not make a village (opinion).

It’s website war!

Brian was a bit disappointed that the Echo didn’t make mention of his attendance at the Green Burial site opened day. Positive bit of PR, that would have been.

But Jennifer has bad news for him.

She’s found a website, after Googling “Ambridge New Dairy”. And it’s not a website that Brian’s PR chap Rufus has made.

It shows, amongst other things, cows in appallingly bad conditions. It says that the numbers Brian intends to have at his Super Dairy are far higher than they actually are.

In fact, it’s complete rubbish (so say Brian and Jennifer).

[Brian] “We’re in danger of losing the arguments because people won’t hear the facts … emotional twaddle, irrational nonsense!”

A furious Brian storms off to Bridge Farm to confront who he thinks is the likely brains behind the website. Pat Archer.

[Brian] “I suppose you think you’re clever!!!”

[Pat] “Me? Create a website … I haven’t had a chance to look at a website let alone create one!”
Brian shows her the website. Pat agrees it is indeed rubbish and full of inaccuracies.

[Pat] “Frankly Brian, there are plenty of valid arguments against your diary without having to rely on distortion of the facts. I’m insulted you’d think I’d produce anything so ill informed”

She reckons it’s probably been done by someone with “an animal rights bias”.

(who do we think that is? Animal rights. Knows about websites. Pip? Josh? Kirsty? Helen? Tom???)

Pat also thinks that Brian should expect more of this. So he “better take sit up and notice”.

[Brian] “We are taking notice, we are perfectly happy to engage in reasoned debate with people”

[Pat] “You? Don’t make me laugh!”

Blimey.

If Brian wants to get the village onside,. Shouting at Pat won’t help him one bit at all.

Lilian and Jennifer on a “right ding dong”

Lilian’s words, not mine.

She’s “chumming” Jennifer to the Ambridge Organics launch. Brian refused to, but Jennifer is (in her own way) trying to make amends with Pat and Tony. Jennifer is actually looking forward to it.

[Lilian] “So am I. With you as my chauffeur, I can have a drink!”

Aha! Where there is drink, there is Lilian.

Good lass.

Jennifer lasts until the speeches, but then wants to leave:

[Jennifer] “Look Lillian, I don’t want to stay any longer, if you don’t mind … it’s so awkward… Tony is ignoring me”

[Lilian] “If it’s any consolation, darling, he doesn’t seem to be talking much to anyone …Who’ve you go to rush home to anyway? Bear with a sore head Brian?”

Pat launches

Ambridge Organics.

Seems it all went very well.

Lots of people. Two councillors. No Doug Somerville.

[Helen] “Horrid man. Fancy not letting us know until today!”

Helen mingles while she leaves Bust Brenda to serve drinks. Helen then makes a speech – she’s been running Ambridge Organics (the shop) for 12 years (blimey!).

Pat’s turn. She makes sure everyone is aware that Tony and she have been running an organic business for 30 years (double blimey!), and manages to make it sounds like the new brand is just them making sense of the two brands Bridge Farm (the food) and Ambridge Organics (the shop).

Nothing to do with E. Coli then …

Anyhoo, back to the Ambridge Organics new brand:

[Pat] “That’s the brand we’d like you to ask for by name wherever you do your shopping”

So that’s that then. Ambridge Organics (the brand and the shop) lives.

But Tony still sounds pissed off …

Lynda’s Surprise

Sounds a bit scary,

[Jennifer] “She thought it’d be novel”

[Lilian] “ … when she comes to Feng Shui your vegetable patch!”

Lynda has entered herself as a Promise in the auction to raise money for Britain in Bloom funds. But, she won’t tell anyone what they’d win.

That’s a bit concerning.

Bert’s offered something to do with helping folks and their borders. Ed and George will be on slug patrol (ah, that’s a sweet one).

[Lilian] “the best bargain has got to be 4 hours of Harry. I’m definitely bidding on that!”

Jennifer points out that Lilian has a gardener, but Lilian reckons she should also bid. And get Ian to bid on Harry for Adam.

I though Harry was a bit attractive, but didn’t realise he was that attractive!

Tuesday, 31 January 2012

The Green Burial site open day 30.01.12

The Archers Monday 30th January 2012

Mike’s loyal to his team
Sabrina is on the display team
Handsome Herdsman will sell the Super Dairy
The Grundys’ latest caper
The Orchard saga continues
Joe won’t be bought

Mike’s loyal to his team

He’s demanding “extra-large goody bags” for Harry and Jazzer in return for them handing out Ambridge Organics leaflets on their rounds.

Good man.

Sabrina is on the display team

Of the Village Shop.

Imagine … all the local husbands must pack the pavement out when she’s in the window.

Handsome Herdsman will sell the Super Dairy

Brian’s PR agency (led by that chap Rufus) have done a leaflet for the Super Dairy that Brian is exceedingly proud of. It includes an artists’ impression of the cows’ accommodation, which makes it look quite luxurious (according to Jennifer).

But there’s a twist.

[Jennifer] “AND a very handsome cow man looking after them. He’s rather a dish … can you make sure you get someone just like him when you recruit please?!?”

[Brian] “Jenny, you’re not meant to be ogling the herdsmen”

But Jennifer has spotted something that may attract ladies like Sabrina and Hilary Noakes to Brian’s side.

[Brian, on Holiday Noakes] “What? Brad Pitt couldn’t get her to pipe down!”

The Grundys’ latest caper

(sigh)

Eddie’s at the Green Burial open day.

Which is fair do, as he will be the gravedigger (does one need qualifications for doing that?). But, he is in a suit.

Suspicious.

All becomes a bit clearer when Joe also arrives. He (a) hasn’t been invited (it’s an invitation only, don’t you know) and (b) he’s with Bartleby. Who seems to be wearing a “red Indian headdress”.

[Jim] “What have you done? Why has Bartleby got badly dyed pheasant feathers on his head?”

Joe’s joined the Ambridge craze for leaflets (not very green of anyone …) and hands Jim one.

[Jim] “You claim here you’re offering a bespoke transportation service for your loved ones … the ecologically friendly way of ensuring the departed arrives at their final resting place in the style that they wish!”

Though Joe is chuffed with himself – he even made the leaflet at Ed’s, and is now in awe of the spellcheck – Jim is far from amused.

[Jim] “It is not the occasion for heartless commercial activity!”

And makes Joe go away.

The rest of the open day seemed to go well enough.

[Brian] “Tragically enough, they didn’t have many takes for the compost toilet”

Funny that!

And as Kenton put it, after he’d heard it from one of the undertakers:

[Kenton] “All they need now is a body!”

The Orchard saga continues

To recap: the Community Orchard is on Oliver’s land. Jim has organised the cider club to help grow and pick the apples, to be made into cider using the Grundys’ equipment. So that everyone gets a fair share of the cider, Jim has been working on a system that will record who puts in what hours.

Though Jim thought he’d sorted it, Mike’s not happy that Jim has been rounding times up and down to the half hour. It could mean that he could miss out on “gallons” of cider.

Jim explains that it’s been impossible trying to get everyone to complete their timesheets, but Mike isn’t hearing him. He just wants what’s fair.

[Mike] “What you need here is a bit of discipline, Jim”

Oh give Jim a break! At least he’s trying.

Joe won’t be bought

Not one to give up easily, Joe crashed the Green Burial site post-open day at The Bull.

When Kenton won’t serve him a pint on the Green Burial site tab, he gets offended.

Well, until Brian steps him to buy Joe a pint of Shires … that somehow (miraculously) turns into a large whisky, on Joe’s say so.

Joe’s worked Brian out, though, and tells Brian that he can’t be bought.

[Joe] “I’m me own man!”

And so he is.

Joe then starts giving out his leaflets again (while wheezing and coughing as he had to climb the stairs up to the Bull’s function room):

[Joe] “You wouldn’t throw an old man out, would you?”

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Helen’s raw : The Archers Tuesday 6th December 2011

(emotionally, that is)

Calabrese, salad, pak choi and masala
Where will Gloria sit?
Henry likes shiny
Tony is such a back-stabber
Joe to switch the Christmas lights on
Holly and mistletoe (again)
No respect for Pat?

Calabrese, salad, pak choi and masala

Oh my!

Anya (at Ambridge Organics) is annoying Pat. Seems she’s asking for more of one thing, when she actually needs another.

Then Susan is seen in the yard. Looking lost. Muttering something about ice cream.

All while Henry is grizzling in the background.

Step back folks … Pat’s going to blow!

Where will Gloria sit?

At Nic and Will’s wedding?

It’s been a worry, but as Nic helps Will clear a tree, she already feels better.

They’ve just been to see their wedding reception room at Grey Gables, so it’s all starting to feel more real and clear.

[Nic] “As long as we get through the stag and hen nights on one piece”

(um … does Nic know what happened on Will’s last wife’s hen do?)

Seems Fallon has organised Nic’s do – stretch limo to a club. Class …

Henry likes shiny

Especially shiny and dangerous.

Tony is such a back-stabber

Helen’s telling Tony that she’s finding it hard to sleep. Tony sympathises and (in my humble opinion) seems to take the stance that this is all’s Pat’s fault, though he doesn’t say so outright. He does seem to abdicate his responsibility in how Tom and Helen were told about Rich.

[Helen] “It knocked me sideways. It brought back so many dreadful memoires”

[Tony] “If we knew the truth about Rich, it might be painful at first … but in the long run, it might help us deal with the way we feel about John”

[Helen] “Dad. I can’t tell you how much I disagree … even talking about it, ugh, it churns me up every time. I can’t keep looking back … it’ll only create more problems. For the boy, for us, I can’t stand it … you and mum mustn’t take this any further”

Tony agrees that they shouldn’t take it any further.

Um … shouldn’t he have spoken with Pat first?

Joe to switch the Christmas lights on

Only at Jim’s. But he’s chuffed that ‘the prof’ asked him to do the honours.

Holly and mistletoe (again)

Joe’s brought mistletoe round for Nic and Will (though they’d already found some earlier when they were clearing that fallen tree. Joe wasn’t to know, and they don’t tell him)

And Joe is also hawking holly around again. Seems Sabrina has bought some (does that woman never learn?) for her table decoration as part of the Christmas Around the World table decoration competition.

Though the general consensus is that Sabrina’s cleaning lady will end up doing it …

[Joe] “And she bought some mistletoe. Though I don’t think she needs any encouragement”

All the menfolk of Ambridge will be missing Sabrina in her cat outfit. They’ll just have to make do with a peck under the mistletoe.

No respect for Pat?

So Tony is talking to Pat about how Helen feels. He reckons Helen is “raw”, and is doing her best to avoid Pat. She isn’t even eating with them tonight. Which is indeed news, for our new style Helen.

Pat still isn’t getting it. She sees it as a waiting game – that Helen and Tom will become want to know about Rich in time. They’re just not “interested yet”.

[Tony] “Helen simply can’t face going back, reliving the past”

[Pat] “But it’s not the past, Tony., Rich is alive. Now … he’s John’s son … if I could just see him,. Hear his voice .. .what if he sounds like John?”

But no. Tony is adamant that they need to respect Tom and Helen’s wishes, and “things as they are”.
Ah, come on Tony. Even you can’t believe that Pat will walk away from this one?

What about Pat as John’s mum? Surely her wishes to find out if she has a grandson by him should be respected as well?