Pig related hashtags – Mon 05.08.13 #thearchers

Pondering The Archers Monday 5th August 2013

• Anthea thinks pickles are evil
• #Swinetime
• Helen really is avoiding Rob?

Fallon stars as the Easter bunny 08.04.12

The Archers Sunday 8th April 2012

• The dawn service at Lakey Hill
• Brenda really holds Easter day sacred
• Lilian predicts a riot
• If the bedroom’s a rockin’ …
• No tattie harrowing = walk up Lakey Hill
• Fallon as the Easter bunny
• Ed and Will in The Bull
• Big build up to the quiz night
• Helen’s birthday next week
• Tweets on Easter Sunday
• Tony’s definitely feeling better
• Jim’s back to normal

The dawn service at Lakey Hill

Was just mentioned today, rather than any of the secret microphones being there.

Brenda seemed quite impressed that Jill was going to it ‘at her age’ …


Brenda really holds Easter day sacred

Well, she does when it suits her.

She was woken early by a fox (hmmm), and Tom was up early anyway for milking.

He’s got a long day of work ahead of him (including checking whether the tatties need harrowing with Tony, with a brief break to go to The Bull with the family.

Brenda is not amused.

[Brenda] “It’s Easter day!”

Since when was that important to Brenda? Especially considering she doesn’t bother with silly things like the dawn service (!).



Lilian predicts a riot

Lilian stumbles across Fallon hiding Easter eggs.

[Lilian] “Well that will be a riot, I expect … a real riot, you know what kids are like when they’ve scented chocolate … well as long as you’ve got your whip ready”

[Fallon] “No, I’ve got something better than that”

[Lilian] “A taser?”

If the bedroom’s a rockin’ …

… it’ll not be due to adult relations when it’s James and Leonie are in there.

Fallon was surprised to see Lilian up and out so early.

[Lilian] “You’re right darling, I don’t normally see this time on a Sunday morning”

Seems James and Leonie woke her up.

[Lilian] “I just wish I’d put them in a bedroom further way”

[Fallon] “You mean you can hear?”

Yes Lilian can, but it’s not rudery she can hear. Just arguing.

Leonie hogs the bed covers, her and James had a barny about it (“quite heated” according to Lilian). Lilian really isn’t enjoying their visit.

[Lilian] “it’s been like walking on eggshells at times, James had been a patience of a saint …”

*cough*

When Lilian later comes into The Bull for lunch, James and Leonie have found something new to argue about.

What is the capital of Bolivia?

James (and Fallon) reckon La Paz.

Leonie reckoned Sucre.

Much to Lilian’s disgust:

[Lilian] “She was technically right”

(La Paz is the administrative capital; Sucre is the constitutional capital … though I did have to look that up)

When Fallon later swings into action as the Easter bunny to sort out crying kids fighting over eggs, Lilian complements her on her ability to resolve disputes. And wonders whether she can do the same with James and Leonie. During their lunch at The Bull, seems they were arguing about the wine.

Lilian is also wondering if they’ll survive their flyover tomorrow. Surely one will push the other out (minus parachute)

[Lilian] “I don’t envy James though, bring cooped up in a cockpit with that, irritating girl”

There’s nothing so blind as a mother’s love …



No tattie harrowing = walk up Lakey Hill

Brenda’s delight with Tony that he told Tom the tatties didn’t need harrowing yet. Which meant she and Tom had time to go on a walk to Lakey Hill.

But Brenda’s joy was short lived. Tom went back to work after they had lunch at the Bull.

She only wanted to watch a few films …

So – Tom working all the time – no mention of their engagement for (what feels like) years – Brenda ripe for splitting up with him and/or affair?



Fallon as the Easter bunny

Which was her cunning plan to deal with Lilian’s predicted riot:

[Fallon] “it’s great for keeping the kids under control”

[Tom] “Yeah, well known for their discipline, rabbits …”

[Fallon] “Well they don’t know what to make of me, so they tend to do what I say!”

Later on:

[Lilian] “Ooh darling, run rabbit run!”

Ed and Will in The Bull

Will and Nic are in one corner, Ed and Emma in the other.

But there’s no punch up. They stay well away from each other. It’s only poor George who gets stressed having to run back and forth between the two.

How times (and folks) change.


Big build up to the quiz night

But seems the secret microphones weren’t turned on.

It was last night, with Harry and Jazzer doing a “good job”.

Ach well.


Helen’s birthday next week

What excitement shall she have?


Tweets on Easter Sunday

Tom gets what Tony thinks is a text.

[Tom] “Actually, that’s a tweet”

[Tony] “Good lord, on Easter Sunday!”

Ah Tony – it’s always time for a tweet.

Seems the piggy footy is still of interest.

I still can’t find those pigs anywhere online …


Tony’s definitely feeling better

During lunch at The Bull, Tony tells everyone that he wants to do more.

Tom slips up and mentions that they have a “new system”. Which Tony immediately picks up on and asks how much it cost …

Later on, Tom shows Tony the new management system (and we have to listen in while he does – very dull indeed). Tony doesn’t seem overly impressed.

He also obviously wants to get back in the driving seat. He wants to take over the office again – ordering, and the like.

[Tom] “I wouldn’t want to lose sight of the whole picture”

Aha – but Tom has snookered himself. As Tony points out, the new management system means Tom can see the “whole picture” at the click of a button.

So best shove off and let Tony rule again, eh Tom.

As Tony later says to Pat:

[Tony] “It’s very clever. We were managing before, of course. Perfectly well. I do hope Tom realises. I do know what I’m doing around here”

Jim’s back to normal

Not that we heard it ourselves first hand, just that it was mentioned he was giving Kenton a hard time for working at The Bull, so neglecting Jaxx.

Jim must be delighted he doesn’t have to pay compliments now that lent is over.

The Archers Wednesday 9th November 2011: Brenda gives marketing advice

(oh dear - it's not as if Tony and Pat need another disaster!)

• There’s no website, no piggy football and no comments section
• Sexist or true enough?
• Elona moves in
• Tom advocates violence against Helen
• Tony might tip his soup
• Pat and Tony on Kylie’s return
• Brenda’s allowed to the meeting
• A whole pub full of Horrobins

There’s no website, no piggy football and no comments section

Tom’s lost the plot.

He reckons he has pigs playing football online. A website showing the video. And a comments section where folks are debating:

[Tom] “Was the little pig offside when he took the pass?”

No Tom. You’ve made it all up.

Unless someone can find it – it’s either not there, or I’ve been blocked …


Sexist or true enough?

Brenda said to Tom:

[Tom] “Okay, I know you’ll never understand the offside rule, but it’s life or death to some people”

Now – first reaction is that Tom is a sexist prig.

But, think about it, and he’s probably right.

I wouldn’t have though Busty Brenda would be much of a footy fan, let alone have the capacity to follow the offside rule being explained with the aid of a few cans of beer and a bottle of tomato sauce …


Elona moves in

To No.3 next door to Tom and Brenda.

They both say hello, Tom asks whether they have a motorbike (oh hardy har), to wish Elona promises they’ll be quiet.

[Brenda] “Ah, she’s sweet … she’s really nice, I’m so pleased she’s moving in”

I wonder if Elona feels the same.

Or whether she’s a bit annoyed she’s discovered her neighbours are to be an arrogant w**ker and a rather dense busty blonde.

(Brenda is blonde, isn’t she? I’ve always seen her that way. Just like Adam has hair redder than a fire engine)


Tom advocates violence against Helen

Tom to Brenda:

[Tom] “Don’t take any rubbish from Helen. If she steps out of line, just stamp on her”

Steady on!

Mind you, I’ve puts odds on Helen in a punch-up with Brenda.


Tony might tip his soup

Seems the phrase ‘Peggy’s birthday’ can’t be uttered when Tony is around. But Pat is getting fed up of him insisting that he can’t be sat next to Jennifer at the lunch:

[Pat] “So you’ll do what? Make a scene? Tip your soup on the floor?!?”

[Tony] “I can’t answer for the consequences …”

I just hope Grey Gables isn’t serving trifle that day.


Pat and Tony on Kylie’s return

Pat reckons she’ll be really interested to meet Kylie. Though Tony doesn’t hold much hope for her being a decent person – he was as unamused with Sharon as he is with Clive.

[Pat] “She (Kylie) and John got on well too … he was really fond of her … I have to say I’m glad Sharon’s not coming down”

And they’ve put Hayley’s mind at rest that Sharon isn’t coming to the funeral.

That was a bit of a web, wasn’t it?


Brenda’s allowed to the meeting

To talk about the Ambridge Organics brand.

Tom is still being a twit about them not using Tom Archer’s (now there’s a surprise). He reckons they’ve turned down the “hottest brand in Ambridge and gone for something watered down”.

Ach – just shush up there now, will you Tom.

Funny thing though – Pat tells Tom that they had a customer phoning them saying how much they live the piggy footy, and that they’re likely to order again.

So – Tom’s pigs are creating more custom for Bridge Farm!

Take that, you insufferable little man.

Anyhoo – point of the meeting was to talk about the rebranding and relaunch of Bridge Farm as Ambridge Organics. Brenda has a contact who can advise, so it’s full steam ahead.

Nice to hear Tony and Pat feeling positive about something. Especially as it’s doing it their way, not Tom’s way.


A whole pub full of Horrobins

Is Tony’s idea of hell.

He’s not looking forward to the funeral. Obviously because it’s a funeral, but mainly because it involves a gathering of Horrobins.

[Tony] “A whole pub full of Horrobins, all that emotions and alcohol slaushing about … it’d be like sticking half a dozen ferrets in a sack. There will be fur flying by the end of it.”

The Archers Wednesday 2nd November 2011: Pigs Go Viral!

• Oliver’s elixir helps badgers
• Who let Ed’s cows out?
• Kenton wants Tom’s spicy sausages
• Damn that Shelly Brazil!
• It’s still all about Clive …
• Brenda is not happy

Oliver’s elixir helps badgers

It’s TB test time for Ed. While he is quite nervous about.

His cows are shiny and milking well. And Oliver reassures hum that they’re not in a “hot spot” area, nor one which is an official badger culling area.

In fact. Olive has been doing his bit as well.

Seems he’s been outing an “elixir” down at the badger sets to help their immunity.

Nice Oliver.

Later on, Ed wonders whether they should take part in the badger vaccination. They can do so voluntarily, though they would need a group of local farmers to also take part. So, Ed’s off to ask David (with his NFU hat on).

[Oliver] “Well you can try. But he’s no friend of the Badger!”

Who let Ed’s cows out?

Ed was called out to Waterly Cross Road to round up some of his young ‘uns that had got onto the road.
Oliver seemed quite excited about it.

[Oliver] “Right, what are we waiting for!”

But once they get there (and get the cows back in with Tom and Brenda’s help), Ed reckons they’d got out through the gate.

[Tom] “Stupid walkers. You’d think they’d know better”

[Ed] “It was deliberate though. Someone meant to let them out”

Seems the gate is hard to lift open, so it couldn’t have just been nudged by the cows or blown open by the wind.

Wonder who would have done that?


Kenton wants Tom’s spicy sausages

Brave Kenton.

Especially as talking to Tom means you get a free half hour lecture on how Tom is right and his folks are wrong.

[Tom] “We need to change the branding and move on … until Mum and da come to terms with the digital age”

Ah, shush there Tom.


Damn that Shelly Brazil!

Seems she has 8,000 Twitter followers.

(which is a surprisingly large number for a local, minor version of a celeb chief, but I shall not quibble)

And she has Tweeted out Tom’s pigs playing football.

And when he checks it later on, his video has had over 23,000 hits.

[Tom] “That’s 23 thousand my boy. Piggy football is going viral!”

Damn it!

Tom is going to be insufferable.


It’s still all about Clive …

I’m starting to wish he’d do something psychotic to stop his constant moaning.

He offers to take Bert to the pub.

Which is (I suppose) helpful.

But then:

[Clive to Susan] “Yeah well, he’s lost his cook and cleaner. Poor old boy. He won’t know where he is … Still he’s got you … you’ll be popping round with the odd stew I’m sure”

[Susan] “One of us has got to. Don't see anybody else rushing to help!”

But no – Clive reckons he would help, it’s just that he always gets elbowed out of the way.

He’s now also annoyed that no-one has asked him about the funeral.

[Clive] “Well. Let me know. I wouldn't want to miss it …And what about Kylie? Has anyone been in touch with her. She’ll need to know. She’ll want to be at her nan’s funeral”

And classic Clive – he leaves it to Susan to call Kylie. He reckons he hasn’t got her number, and he can’t call as things aren’t good between him and Sharon (Kylie’s mum).

Then, once he’s been to the pub with Bert, he hardly sounds sympathetic to Bert being in shock.

[Clive] “Rambling … Remember that time we all went down to Weymouth … something about the old girl stepping on a crab … then for no reason at all he started burbling about the council putting him on half time”

Where Susan sees Bert as finally breaking down and showing his grief, Clive:

[Clive] “I wouldn’t count on it. He’s probably just missing having his meals cooked for him”

[Susan] “You don’t change, do you. You have to see the worst in everyone”

Clive calms down and says to take no notice of him. He’s just used to “ducking and diving”. Susan tells him that he can change.

Then he asks her for a bacon sarnie and a lift to Felpersham.

Which she agrees to.

Looks like Susan can’t change either.


Brenda is not happy

About not being seen as an official part of the Archer clan by Tony (as yet), and that she can’t add her valuable expertise and wisdom to the meeting about how to market Bridge Farm.

[Brenda] “The only thing that’s going to get bridge Farm out of the mire is good marketing, and who knows all about it … and what constitutes family? You can see why I feel hurt. After all the effort I made!”

And worse still – someone else has had an idea!

[Brenda] “You’ve heard Helen’s latest idea on rebranding. Everything goes under the brand name Henry’s”

[Tom] “You’re not serious!”

[Brenda] “She is. I think …”

[Tom] “No way!”

[Brenda] “It’s got a certain ring to it …”

[Tom] “I don’t care if it chimes like big ben. It’s not going to happen”

Hark him!

Feeling threatened by a baby …

The Archers Monday 31st October 2011: Ivy Horrobin dies in her sleep

• Generous present from Caroline and Oliver
• A Pig league?
• Tom seems to be on a (sausage) roll
• Ivy Horrobin died this morning
• Sudden death … hmmmm
• Tony is still most decidedly unamused
• Brenda isn’t family
• Underwoods cards and Roy as best man

Generous present from Caroline and Oliver

[Nic] “Oh Will, I’m thrilled about the Darrington Rom … there’s going to be no charge for the room, or the flowers or the champagne for the toast!”

The no charge, flowers and champers are all from Caroline and Oliver.

That’s very kind of them indeed.


A Pig league?

Tom reckons his Pigs should be on match of the day.

[Susan] “I don't think they cover the Piggy league, or else Neil would be on it all the time!”

Tom seems to be on a (sausage) roll

Shelly Brazil is back

If you remember back a wee bit – Shelly did a food demo at Ambridge Organics. Tom reckons she’s “Borchester’s answer to Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall”

Tom reckons she’s interested in his sausages (ooer!), and there may be a chance she’ll make mention of them in her column in Borchester Life.

He’s in the Village Shop to ask Jill about a sausage tasting at the Village Shop for National Sausage week.

[Nic] “Wow. The things that happen in this village”

(not sure if Nic was being sarcastic. Hard to tell)


Ivy Horrobin died this morning

Susan had to rush off from the shop, leaving Tom in charge (so it had to be important).

It falls to Pat to break the news to Neil and all of us eavesdroppers (Neil had left his mobile, was at bridge Farm, so Susan called him there). Ivy died this morning in her sleep. Neil rushes off to Susan.

[Tony] “That was very sudden. I know she’d been ill Tony … Bit of a choker though, isn’t it Pat. I had a lot of time for Ivy”

[Pat] “Me too”

And Will to Nic later on:

[Will] “Oh Nic. I really liked Ivy … she was great to me when I were married to Emma”

All the Horrobin’s start gathering (Keith, Stuart and Tracy – and of course) Gary and Clive but all of the organising, sorting, tidying falls to Susan.


Sudden death … hmmmm

Probably totally inappropriate to say this, but should we be suspicious that Ivy died in her sleep?

She died of heart failure, brought on by bronchial pneumonia. Susan reckons that Ivy’s heart just couldn’t take it anymore, after months of being ill.

But Neil did sound a bit suspicious. He was particularly keen to know what had gone onto the death certificate.

Clive? In Ivy’s bedroom, with a pillow???


Tony is still most decidedly unamused

With Tom’s pigs playing football.

Neil tells him that he and Chris had a right good laugh at it. But not only is Tony still utterly negative about it, he hasn’t even taken the time to see it yet!

[Tony] “There’s so much of that stuff on the internet. I don’t know what good it does”

But Tony can’t completely avoid Tom’s efforts for ever. Which he knows, and he agrees with Pat that they’ll have a meeting after lunch on Sunday.

But …


Brenda isn’t family

Tony will meet Tom to discuss his ideas, but it’s family only.

Which Tony reckons doesn’t include Brenda.

Though he leaves it to Pat to tell that to Tom.

[Tom] “You mean if I was married to Brenda that would be okay, but as we’re not she can’t come … that’s just stupid, especially with her expertise in marketing … sometimes I think he wants the whole thing to fail!”

[Pat] “That’s not fair, irrational he may be at times, but of course he wants to save Bridge Farm”

I’m not sure why Tony didn’t want Brenda there.

She is engaged to Tom. And there’s no reason to be scared about her (lack of) marketing prowess …


Underwoods cards and Roy as best man

Nic’s writing out invites to their wedding. On cards they bought from Underwoods (there was nothing suitable at the Village Shop).

Will’s decided to ask Roy to be his best man. Again.

And Nic is going to ask Helen, so that she can have a grown up alongside Mia.

Weddings do that to some folks. They suddenly become best buddies with folks they barely pass a word with.

I think the last time Helen and Nic spoke was when Helen babysat for them pre-Henry.

The Archers Wednesday 26th October 2011: Christmas around the World auditions

• I’d pick grapes for a box of wine
• X Factor in Ambridge!
• Tony’s not letting go
• Tom is back to being smug
• Rhys is a bit over enthusiastic
• It’s fine. Ambridge is English
• You can depend on Ian

I’d pick grapes for a box of wine

As Mike and Vicky did at Lower Loxley.

Sounds like a fair deal indeed.


X Factor in Ambridge!

No, not really.

Vicky and Lynda at the auditions, but no-one else is.

Rhys turns up and makes the X Factor joke:

[Rhys] “I thought it’d be like the X Factor”

(!)

After three hours, they only had Jazzer and Rhys (with his Dylan Thomas).

Lynda is distraught.

[Lynda] “Christmas around the World … It’s supposed to be a dazzling visual and oral display of internationalism. Instead of that, we’ve got a halfhearted trek around the British Isles and nothing from other countries!

“I despair, the world’s supposed to be shrinking, but in Ambridge, where’s the colour, the glamour the exoticism”

Vicky half heatedly suggests Hilary Noakes and her cockatoo (you could feel Lynda’s icy glare to that one through the radio!)


Tony’s not letting go

Of the bad feeling he has about Brian and Jennifer (after his argument with Jennifer).

Seems Brian’s mart is irritating Tony. It’s blocking up the roads before it’s even opened:

[Tony] “Typical of him… pretending it’s for everyone’s benefit, when really it's about him making a quick buck, disrupting the lives of decent hardworking farmers, utterly selfish, never a thought for anyone else”

Tom is back to being smug

Seems Dave Langdon called and wants to take sausages again from Tom.

And what prompted him to do so?

[Tom] “Dave said the pig video really made him laugh … dad, it proves it, my rebrand is working!”

As Tom has had other new orders, he reckons he’s been proved right – so that now absolutely everything should be under the Tom Archer brand.

[Tony] “You’re not changing my mind! I’m not chucking away all the hard work you mother and I have put into building up Bridge Farm, just because Dave Langon’s got nothing better to do than watch pigs playing football. No. And that’s final!”

Oo-er. Very angry Tony there indeed.


Rhys is a bit over enthusiastic

About being told he’s got in to Christmas around the World.

(well, they didn’t have much to choose from, did they?)

[Rhys] “Dylan would be so proud. I’d bet he’d want to come as well!”

Eh?


It’s fine. Ambridge is English

Lynda isn’t too worried about the lack of international flare to Christmas around the World.

After all:

[Lynda] “But when all is said and done, Ambridge is quintessentially an English village”

Did I miss something?

Hasn’t Lynda only so far got a Scot doing Burns and a Welshman doing Dylan Thomas?

British – yes, but not exactly cricket on a summer day …

But with a gasp – Lynda also remembers that Leonie (and James) will be expecting great things from the show. Will Jazzer and Rhys be enough for their tome?

[Vicky] “Hand on, I’d had a swig of me wine now I’ve got me brain in gear”

 
And Vicky does indeed some up trumps!

She reckons Ambridge is international. What with Usha, Elona and Amy being residents.

(erm – wasn’t Amy born in England? Maybe that doesn’t count in Vicky’s world …)

So the day is saved. Or, it’s saved in theory – they’ll still have to persuade more folks to take part.

[Vicky] “We don’t do despair when I’m around”

You can depend on Ian

Pat does sound happy for Tom that he’s getting more orders – but she firmly agrees with Tony that they’ll not be rebranding. They’ll instead keep building confidence in the Bridge Farm brand.

And they are getting somewhere. Ian’s starting taking their stock again (ah – bless that Ian).

Tom poo-poos Ian’s order. And out loud wishes that Tony and Pat hadn’t managed to get a mortgage payment extension, nor a loan from Lilian.

[Tom] “You’ve gone all soft on it again”

What a twit!

The Archers Sunday 23rd October 2011: Clarrie’s delighted, Emma probably not so

• Happy Clarrie
• A January 1st wedding
• Jazzer’s no impressed
• Christine was dishevelled …
• It’s only Daphne!
• Emma won’t be happy

Happy Clarrie

Clarrie is over the moon that Will and Nic are getting married. It’s about time she had something to grin about.

[Clarrie] “You do William the power of good, you really do … he’s lucky to have you …and I couldn’t hope for a better daughter in law”

(hope Emma wasn’t in earshot of that one!)


A January 1st wedding

Nic and Will have set the date – January 1st 2012.

[Nic] “We just thought, why not start the new year as we mean to go on”

And – they want to have it at Grey Gables.

Caroline reckons she can probably squeeze them in, but they’ll need to find a willing registrar.

On January 1st?

Lucky they’re not getting married in Scotland. No-one wakes from their stupor until January 5th …


Jazzer’s no impressed

Seems Tom out his pigs playing football video up on his website. It has got him more traffic, but it hasn’t exactly set the twittersphere alive.

[Jazzer] “I thought Roonie was supposed to spend all weekend tweeting about it … you’re yesterday’s headline. Even in Ambridge, the agenda’s moved on”

Couldn’t have happened to a nice chap ;)


Christine was dishevelled …

… and first thing in the morning.

According to Jazzer.

[Jazzer] “There was a note yesterday, wants an extra pint … well I had to ring for the money anyhoo, so Christine Barford comes to the door all a dither, dressing gown buttoned up wrang… ah good on her I say, you’re never too old to get some action!”

Tom’s horrified.

That’s his great Aunt Jazzer’s talking about.

And it’d seem Jim and Christine’s cover story is not very god. Something about Jim’s heating packing up.

[Jazzer] “So he’s found himself another old boiler!”

I can see why Christine was so worried.

Seems she and Jim are the talk of the village.


It’s only Daphne!

Eddie’s feeding Daphne in the kitchen. Which she seems to be enjoying very much.

[Eddie] “that’s tasty, eh!”

But Clarrie isn’t impressed. She gives Eddie a bollocking.

Ah, come on now Clarrie.

[Eddie] “Oh, it’s only Daphne!”

That may be. But seems Clarrie doesn’t want ferrets being fed in her kitchen.


Emma won’t be happy

[Clarrie] “She won’t be happy, Eddie. You know what she’s like. This wedding will put her nose right out of joint. After all, there no sign of Edward asking her, is there? … I don’t want all her old nonsense starting up again”

I wouldn’t put it by Emma to start wanting Will back … just because.

The Archers Wednesday 19th October 2011: Is burglary genetic?

• A burglary gene?
• Jazzer tells Tom to not be such a girl
• Scotland’s in the world, by the way
• But Wales isn’t a country
• Ruth’s run out of baked beans!
• Has anyone told Christine?
• Fit Pigs Make Great Sausages!
• George has a new truck

A burglary gene?

[Emma] “Supposing it’s genetic?”

[Ed] “You think there’s a burglary gene and he’s inherited it from Clive … I don’t think one gene would cover it. Robbery was the least of Clive’s crimes …”

Emma also asks if Ed was worried about what George has inherited from his side – but he reckons it’d be fine. What with Eddie’s voice, and Clarrie’s green fingers … but then he remembers that the Grundys don’t exactly have a perfect score:

[Ed] “Oh, you mean Alf?”

But Ed reckons Alf was just a petty criminal.

[Ed] “I’m nothing like Alf. I went off the rails in far more spectacular and interesting ways than he did … but I’m a reformed character saved by the love of a good woman”

And what about Eddie and his poaching?

[Ed] “His elder son is the most boringly upright gamekeeper in three counties, and he’s George’s dad … you should start worrying about Keira, her dad’s the dodgy one!”

And, as Ed reminds Emma, her mum Susan is most definitely the white sheep of the Horrobin clan.

(apart from the spell in prison …)


Jazzer tells Tom to not be such a girl

(not outright, but in as many words)

[Jazzer] “You’re no still crying into your beer, are ye? You think you’ve got problems, you want to try having Harry moping bout the place like a wet Hen …Told you, take me wae you next time you’re doing any negotiations, I’ll soon change his mind … I like a good punch up”

Aye right then Jazzer. Punching Doug Somerville will solve everything …


Scotland’s in the world, by the way

Seems Lynda expects great things from Jazzer after the talent show. She wants him in Christmas around the World.

But, Jazzer reckons while he likes singing, he can’t be bothered hanging round at the rehearsals.

Lynda assures it won't be like that this year – as it’s more like a talent show, rehearsals will just be individual folks doing their thing.

And:

[Lynda] “Christmas around the world includes Scotland”

[Jazzer] “It’s no very Glasga is it, mucking about on stage … na, I think once was enough”

But Wales isn’t a country

Lynda tells Jazzer that Rhys has offered to do his bit at Christmas around the World.

[Jazzer] “He’s no been making out that Wales is a separate country again is he?”

[Tom] “It is!”

[Lynda] “Actually Tom, Jazzer’s right, technically it's a principality”

[Jazzer] “There you are, caved into the English centuries ago”

Lynda reckons that the Welsh do sing very well.

[Jazzer] “Aye, if they’re over the side of another mountain and you cannae hear them!”

Seems Rhys is going to recite A Child’s Christmas in Wales by Dylan Thomas (http://www.bfsmedia.com/MAS/Dylan/Christmas.html) – which means he’s not actually singing?

Either way – it’s not in Welsh. Which takes Lynda onto her not being that keen for Jim to read in Latin.

Jazzer concurs. He doesn’t see what the Romans have to do with Christmas – and anyhoo, any other poem would be as good as ol’ Rabbie Burns.

[Jazzer] “Rabbie Burns was all man”

Which Lynda agrees to – and snares Jazzer quite neatly into Christmas around the World to do a Burns.

Hmmm.

Is it just me – or how is this an international event? Feels a tad British to me …


Ruth ran out of baked beans!

Oh noooo!

Has anyone told Christine?

Seems she’s back, but no-one has told her about Clive’s return.

[David] “Mum and aunty Chris has it worse, they were the ones trapped in a burning building … it was her husband Clive was terrorising, mum and I were just collateral damage really”

Fit Pigs Make Great Sausages!

Is the slogan Brenda has created for Tom.

[Jazzer] “That’s rubbish. Fat pigs make great sausages!”

Tom is still heavily banking on the pig playing football to boost his brand.

Is it just me – or might some folks be put off because of the football?

Too cute for folks to then want to eat them?


George has a new truck

Bit where did it come from?

Ed and Emma are at first worried that it was given to him by Clive.

But no.

[George] “No, I burgalred it … it’s Jake’s”

George wanted to show Uncle Clive what a great burglar he is.

But he only ends up getting a bollocking from Ed and Emma.

I wonder if, unlike Uncle Clive, George will take heed and stop his naughtiness?

The Archers Tuesday 18th October 2011: Tom is forced to bow down to Underwoods

(hurrah! Love it when Tom gets humiliated)

• Will and Emma agree!
• Doug Somerville’s assistant is supercilious
• It’s nearly audition time
• Don’t upset Hilary’s cockatoo!
• Tom forced to kiss Doug Somerville’s shoes (not literally)
• Ivy’s not getting any better
• Princess Emma
• It’ll be blamed on the pigs …

Will and Emma agree!

Shock of the week!

Will doesn’t want George to see Clive again. Emma concurs.

Will is worried about the PlayStation. Emma agrees that she also didn’t want George to have one at his age, but at least can put Will’s mind at rest that it isn’t knocked off.

And – Will is worried about George’s obsession with playing burglar. As is Emma.

Well that’s at least one good thing to have come out of Clive’s return. Emma and Will talking without screaming, as well as agreeing on what’s best for George.


Doug Somerville’s assistant is supercilious

So says Tom.


It’s nearly audition time

Lynda’s putting her notices up and around about auditions for the Christmas around the World concert.

Though not everyone gets the concept:

[Susan] “I’ve never been away for Christmas!”

Now now Susan. You’ll have to come up with a better excuse than that to not take part.

I’m just (still) annoyed that it’s not a panto …

Anyhoo – Lynda is chasing after Emma to take part, though she’s actually mainly after Keira. She was the both of them to be a:

[Lynda] “Nativity tableau as the grand finale …All the nations could gather round the crib!”

[Susan] “Oh, isn’t that nice. Your first Christmas and you’ve got a starring role already”

Emma didn’t seem that keen. Funny. She normally scratches eyes out to be the centre of the attention. Think she’s worried about Keira upstaging her?


Don’t upset Hilary’s cockatoo!

Hilary Noakes has a petition on the go.

Tough action from ol’ Noakes. Hilary is against the bonfire being held on the village green (as it always is) because it’ll leave scorch marks (as it always does).

[Lynda] “I tried to reason with her but she kept coming up with more spurious objections … the noise upsets her cockatoo!”

[Susan] “Oh really … we change everything just for one person, or a cockatoo!”

Seems Hilary is claiming that all pet owners are upset about the noise – though Susan reckons they don’t complain about all the other fireworks parties, and they should also know by now to keep their pets inside.

Seems most folks, in reality, agree with Susan.

No-one has signed Hilary’s petition as yet.


Tom forced to kiss Doug Somerville’s shoes (not literally)

After being forced to wait an age, and only allowed a few moments of Doug Somerville’s time, Tom’s bristling to get a fair deal with Underwoods.

But Doug’s not for turning.

[Doug] “It remains to be seen … Tom Archer’s may ring a bell. An alarm bell … I’m taking a big risk here. Frankly, I’ve have expected a little more gratitude!”

[Tom] “You know how good my sausages are!”

Buy Doug reckons that he can take his pick of sausages producers – most of whom would give their “eye teeth” for the deal he’s offering Tom. In his humble (!) opinion, Tom needs to invest and work hard to try and make the best of it. He can’t expect everything to be as it was before, and Doug reckons the risk is all on Underwoods.

[Doug] “Are we clear where we stand? No more whinging or nik picking … I like you Tom, or I wouldn’t be giving you this chance. But you’ve got to see where you are. You used to be backed by a bigger brand … but that’s changed … so let’s see if Tom Archer’s Borchester brand can work on its own”

[Tom … chomping on some humble pie] “Yes. I do know it’s a great opportunity”

[Doug … as patronising as he can muster] “Yes. You’re a lucky boy”

Ivy’s not getting any better

Seems she just wants to stay in bed all the time. Which isn’t like her.

Infact, Susan reckons she’s getting worse.

Oh dear.

Both for Ivy.

But also for what it could mean about Clive. Could Ivy stipulate in her will that Clive gets to stay in her house?


Princess Emma

Emma’s talking to Susan about how worried she is that George is obsessing about playing burglar.

[Emma] “I mean all the time. In full costume”

But Susan reminds Emma that she was obsessed with being a princess when she was wee. Infact, she took it further than most:

[Susan] “Do all little girls insist their mum hide a pea under their mattress to see if they could feel it … for weeks we had to call you princess Emma!”

So, though George sleeps in his burglar mask – Susan reckons it must be more comfortable than the tiara Emma slept in.

[Susan] “He’ll get tired of it. I mean, I haven’t seen you in a tiara for years!”

It’ll be blamed on the pigs …

At home, Tom admits to Brenda that Doug “wiped the floor” with him.

[Tom] “I’m beginning to agree with mum. He’s not a nice man”

So Tom’s lost that battle. He’ll now concentrate on British Sausage Week (31st October – 6th November - http://www.lovepork.co.uk/blog/article/sausage_week_2011)

And, he reckons he’ll have his football playing pigs up on his website this weekend.

[Tom] “Those girls have a lot riding on them “

I hope, for their sake, they do generate interest.

Mind you – the worst that could happen to them is going to happen regardless …

The Archers Wednesday 28th September 2011: Lilian enjoys ironing

(who’d have thunk it!?!)

• Tom appreciates his pigs’ intelligence
• Lilian finds ironing therapeutic
• Lilian says something negative about James
• Peggy fell for the ‘he’s a good boy’ ploy
• Brenda’s irritated
• I learned a new word today

Tom appreciates his pigs’ intelligence

Which is nice.

And at least he is enjoying the pigs playing football – probably about as much as the pigs enjoy playing it. Though it would seem they’re not actually very good at scoring a goal. Seems they haven’t even managed on so far.

(as a Queen of the South season ticket holder, that feels familiar …)

[Tom] “Pigs are such amazingly talented animals”

I’m quite clear on how much I dislike Tom – but I do like a food producer who respects his animals.


Lilian finds ironing therapeutic

So she says to Peggy. She found it to be calming during all her troubles with Matt.

I wonder if that’s true – or whether Lilian was just saying it to make Peggy feel less guilty about Lilian doing her ironing?


Lilian says something negative about James

She really is full or revelations today.

[Lilian] “I’m finding their constant efforts to find material for their book more than a little wearing”

Will she ever utter that to her beloved son, though?


Peggy fell for the ‘he’s a good boy’ ploy

Peggy is telling Lilian that Darrell is “a decent young man who was led astray” and gives Lilian a row for thinking anything other than that.

After all, Lilian should be aware that not all ex-cons are bad ‘uns.

So, it would seem that Peggy believes everything Elona tells her.

This doesn’t feel like it’s going to end well.


Brenda’s irritated

Rather than just being irritating.

[Brenda] “I’m just feeling really irritated, that’s all … it’s just o annoying to have to speak to James … and then having to hear Lilian bang on about this ridiculous book”

[Tom] “Is it anything to do with you and him?”

Blimey – forgot about Bust Brenda and james.

Seems she’s still annoyed she fell for his rubbish about having great contacts in the media.


I learned a new word today

Bucolic – which is a pastoral poem (noun), of or relating to the pleasant aspects of the countryside and country life.

I didn’t note down who said it but they were talking about the book club book:

“It all ends up in what I can describe as bucolic debauchery”

The Archers Wednesday 21st September 2011: Tom is ridiculous

(more so than usual)

• Tom Archer’s Borchester Sausages rides again
• Jennifer offers Clarrie cream buns
• Shula’s teaching Freddie to hunt
• For F sake Tom …
• Jazzer’s in danger from the Old Firm

Tom Archer’s Borchester Sausages rides again

I suppose it’s nice Tom has faith in Brenda

And vice versa.

Tom is showing Brenda the new logo he’s had designed. She approves. Seems it has good “colours, an interest in the design” and is, at the same time “reassuring”.

Tom’s delighted. After all, Brenda is a marketing expert (!!!!!!!!!).

So – welcome back Tom Archer’s Borchester Sausages. Even though you were reborn out of your parents’ tragedy … (selfish little twit).

Tom even has a great idea for the brand launch. Which is something to do with a little ball.


Jennifer offers Clarrie cream buns

Jennifer bumps into Clarrie in town.

Clarrie’s not had a good day of appointments. But Clarrie is very calm and philosophical. She comes out with a string of clichés – “No point crying about it” and the like – which doesn’t sound too convincing to me.
Jennifer offers Clarrie a nice big cream bun – which Clarrie at first politely refuses, but Jennifer really (really) wants a cream bun with Clarrie.

[Jennifer] “To be honest, I could rather do with some company,. Sure you couldn’t change your mind … and of course, it’d be my treat”

Seems Jennifer is lonely. Her days feel empty.

Seems Clarrie didn’t get a job she’d went for. She feels old and useless.

[Jennifer] “Oh Clarrie. You’re no age at all”

What’s more, Clarrie has the joys of going to the dole office.

[Clarrie] “Never thought I’d see myself on one of them places”

[Jennifer, slightly in awe of Clarrie having been in such a place and survived] “Was it alright?”

[Clarrie – in philosophical mood again] “At least it got me out the house, I suppose … I got to count my blessings, I still got me strength and health … plenty of people with real trouble, I ain’t got much to complain about when I weight it up”

Jennifer made a quite stupid remark about Clarrie should think about volunteering – forgetting that Clarrie isn’t looking for a job to fill het time, it’s to buy food and stuff.

Am I missing something – but surely Home Farm has some work for Clarrie?

How about Jennifer herself?

Do posh ladies still need companions?


Shula’s teaching Freddie to hunt

Well, she’s prepping his hunting riding skills.

And that’s all I have to say on the matter. It wasn’t particularly interesting.


For F sake Tom …

Imagine the scene.

Tom’s showing Brenda what his launch plan is.

He takes her outside. He has a ball.

Jazzer’s also there. With the pigs.

Have you guess yet?

Yup.

Pigs playing football.

*sigh*

Expect, they weren’t playing football. They actually weren’t showing much of an interest at all.

[Tom] “Hang on., They really got stuck in last time”

Brenda doesn’t seem too impressed, but Tom reckons if he can get them going – and film it – he’ll use it online to ‘go viral’.

As @ElsieEmm said on Twitter: “Are you sure you want Bridge Farm to 'go viral' Tom? Again?”

(I know – technically not Bridge Farm, but point well indeed made).

It’s actually not a bad idea. It would have been quite a good idea, if anyone else has said it.

But it was Tom.

And he can really do no right, in my opinion.


Jazzer’s in danger from the Old Firm

I hope I heard this wrong – but I thought I heard Jazzer liken the pigs to Celtic and Rangers.

Good god man!

You should know that it isn’t clever to make fun of the Old Firm.

Folks have been stabbed for lesser comments …