Kenton attacks Jolene with a drawer: Tues 14.08.12

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 14th August

• So how was The Fringe?
• Harry was hot, now he’s just gossip
• Kenton sings Rod Stewart, badly
• Jolene doesn’t want to go to New Zealand
• I know the safe combination in Jaxx
• Kenton’s lost his passport
• Jazzer wants his feet under the table
• Kenton attacks Jolene with a drawer
• Kenton’s obsessed with social networking
• Bon voyage!

So how was The Fringe?

Apart from:

[Jazzer] “Full of foreigners in fancy dress.”

And Fallon saying she’d seen a few good, but also a few rubbish, shows.

We’ll never really know.

And there was me thinking (and knowing) so much happens in Edinburgh this time of year.


Harry was hot, now he’s just gossip

Fallon arrived home to tell Jolene about Harry, rather than break the news beforehand.

[Fallon] “I didn’t want to spread gossip.”

[Jazzer] “Why not?”

[Fallon] “In case he changed his mind.”

[Jazzer] “Huh, that’s not going to happen!”

[Jolene] “But Harry, he's the last person you’d think … with a bloke … and he’s not coming back … there’s going to be a lot of disappointed women in Ambridge.”

What an epitah!


Kenton sings Rod Stewart, badly

‘I am sailing’, to be precise.

He’s all excited as he and Jolene are off the New Zealand in two hours.

And he’s booked a boat to sail on the last few days of their holiday.

[Kirsty] “It’s got to be 10 years since you last skippered anything bigger than a rowing boat!”

Kenton reckons it’s just like riding a bike.
Though Kirsty foresees problems with how interested an 11 year old lass will be in being stuck on a boat with her dad and step mum …

… do we also hear the cry of “overboard!” …?

Surely Jolene can’t only experience death in New Zealand?


Jolene doesn’t want to go to New Zealand

I’m really surprised it’s taken her until now to work that one out.

[Jolene] “I wish we were going somewhere else. I remember the last time …. It feels like it was yesterday.”

But she daren’t tell Kenton that she actually doesn’t want to go. He’s too excited about it:

[Jolene] “And it’s all to do with Sid … and the fact UI got together with him so soon after Sid died. What’s Lucy going to think?”

She’s worried about them staying with Lucy, even though it’s saving them a fair few pennies (the rest of the holiday is costing enough, even with Jill also having helped them out).

Jolene would rather they had time alone.

[Jolene] “More peace just the two of us, without all this baggage.”

I know the safe combination in Jaxx

It’s over there, written on the back of that picture of Elvis.


Jazzer wants his feet under the table

He’s unpacked all of Fallon’s stuff out of the van.

But she’s not grateful.

[Jolene] “What’s up? “

[Fallon] “Nothing, I just want him to go home!”

But when Fallon goes off to have her bath, Jazzer’s already in there. He offers to share …

She declines, but he then appears in the kitchen with just a towel on. It doesn’t cover him very well, and Fallon has to get near to his “minging” toenails to check his foot after he’d stepped on a mug than Jolene had smashed by mistake earlier on.

Fallon can’t take much more. As well as being half naked, Jazzer wants to borrow a t-shirt (which he did. One of Kenton’s which Jolene was glad to get rid of. It had “capped sleeves and slutty slogans”) and help in the bar.

[Fallon] “Jazzer no. We’re home now, the holidays’ over … I don’t know what you think you’re playing at, but can I remind you of what you promised after, you know, that night … ever since we got back, you’ve been acting like you’re moving it. You said we could go back to just being mates.”

[Jazzer] “I thought that was what I was being, matey … to be honest with you, I didn’t fancy going back to a flat in me ain, I never imagined I’d miss auld Harry.”

Fallon takes pity. More fool her …


Kenton attacks Jolene with a drawer

Kenton’s lost his passport

Numpty.

It wasn’t at Jaxx.

Not in his black jeans, which they’d already packed.

Not in the filing cabinet.

But maybe in the locked drawer? You know, the one that’s really stuff.

As Kenton yanks it open, it hurtles out and smacks Jolene on her eye.

[Fallon] “You’re going to have one hell of a black eye!”

When Jazzer answers Fallon’s phone to Kirsty:

[Jazzer] “There’s been a wee fracas, I think they’ve been having a punch up!”

[Fallon] “You didn’t want to go in the first place, and now everyone’s going to think Kenton beat you up!”

When Kirsty arrives with Kenton’s passport (which was in the freezer at Jaxx – Kenton had put it there after reading about hiding stuff in freezers in a spy novel):

[Kirsty] “Oh Jolene, did Kenton do that?”

And that, my friends, is how gossip starts.


Kenton’s obsessed with social networking

The taxi has arrived. Kenton’s busy upstairs posting pictures to Facebook.

[Jolene] “Facebook, honestly!”

And he told Kirsty he’d be Tweeting at every stage of his journey, so that the folks back at Jaxx would be able to follow his every step.

[Jolene] “I’m sure they’ll all be fascinated to know what you had for breakfast.”

Well, Kenton shouldn’t mention his breakfast, unless it’s splendid. Tweeters generally only Tweet interesting stuff … (!).


Bon voyage!

Not really …

[Fallon] “Bye mum, things can only get better! … wonder if they’re going to survive this trip.”

Aye, I do too.

Cheerio Harry!: Thurs 09.08.12

Ambridge Extra Thursday 9th August 2012

• The morning after the night before (Fallon’s tale)
• The morning after the night before (Kirsty’s tale)
• Jazzer’s never heard of “Bi”
• Harry’s theory of bisexuality
• Jazzer really does love Fallon
• Grant really does love Harry
• No more Milkman Harry?

The morning after the night before (Fallon’s tale)

Fallon wakes up next to Jazzer …

[Fallon] “Oh, Jazzer. Jazzer! Oh god!”

Fallon tries to make a run for it back up to the cottage (they’re still in the van). Jazzer wants to accompany her, but she claims she’s feeling a bit rough.

[Jazzer] “Oh dear, heid banging?”

[Fallon] “I think I’m going to be made to suffer today …”

[Jazzer] “Are you sure you don’t want me to hold your hair back for you?”

Oh dear.

Doesn’t sound like Fallon’s night of passion with Jazzer has made her very happy …


The morning after the night before (Kirsty’s tale)

As Fallon rushes into the cottage, she bumps into Kirsty.

Who slept on the couch. Fallon’s quite surprised. She thought Kirsty would be in the one bedroom with at least one of the chaps.

[Kirsty] “Making  a complete fool of myself more like. There I was, laying out the goods for Grant … it wasn’t me he was interested in at all.”

Just then, Harry and Grant come downstairs, naked.

(they rush back up when they realise Fallon and Kirsty were there – though why they thought everyone would be outside at the van, I don’t know)

[Kirsty] “Need any more explanations … I realised I was surplus to requirements.”

[Fallon] “But Harry, he’s …”

[Kirsty] “Apparently not. or at least not entirely. I spent the entire evening flaunting myself like a desperate drunken gooseberry.”

Oh dear.

Kirsty also isn’t feeling very happy after harry and Grant’s night of passion.


Jazzer’s never heard of “Bi”

How?

I thought Jazzer was a proper man about town.

[Jazzer] “No no, this is some sort of wind up. You’ve all got together and though let’s have a good laugh at Jazzer and make him believe Harry and his mate are a pair of …”

[Kirsty] “It’s true.”

[Jazzer] “You mean he plays for the other team? … I’m no buying it. Look at Zofia, he was head over heels.”

[Kirsty] “It is possible he’s bi.”

[Jazzer] “Bi?”

[Kirsty] “Bisexual.”

[Jazzer] “But I share a flat with the guy, I rob his shower gel. What if he’s been …”

[Kirsty] “By the look of Grant, you’re not exactly his type.”

[Jazzer, offended] “What do you mean?”

Jazzer soon calmed down when he was brought a full English:

[Grant] “I’ve cooked loads, so if you fancy an extra sausage …”

[Jazzer] “I’m fine.”

Oh ho!

Thought I’d stumbled into a Carry On for a moment there.


Harry’s theory of bisexuality

We always knew there was something about Harry. Not necessarily odd. Just something he wasn’t telling us.

Well, there we are.

[Harry] “If anything, I’m 60:40 … come on, don’t tell me you’ve never looked at another woman and though ‘phworagh’ ?”

[Fallon] “I guess. Occasionally.”

[Harry] “So you’re what, 95: 5.”

Harry tells Fallon that Grant’s the man for him. Well, at least he hasn’t met another man that’s interested him as much. Grant is, Harry says, 0:100 (gay).


Jazzer really does love Fallon

When Kirsty spotted that neither Fallon nor Jazzer looked like they’d had much sleep, Fallon made some excuse about them both falling asleep by 11pm.

Jazzer gets up and leaves to go check on the van. He says he’s hungry, but obviously needs to get his head round the fact that Fallon obviously doesn’t want anyone to know what’s happened between them.

Fallon goes after him to apologise.

[Fallon] “It was all just a bit mad, I’d had a few, I’d gone on a downer …”

[Jazzer] “I wish you’d stop fretting. I know it was only a one night thing.”

[Fallon] “But I don’t want you to think I took advantage.”

[Jazzer] “I cannae change the way I feel about you, last night’s gonnae rank up there as one of the best nights of my life … if one night’s all I’m gonnae get, well then I’m already a luckier man than I ever thought I would be. I’d much rather we’d stay good friends.”

So – Fallon knows Jazzer loves her. Jazzer admits he loves her. Fallon knows last night was a HUGE deal for him, but she doesn’t feel the same way for him as he does for her. Though, right here and now, she wishes she could.

[Jazzer] “I still showed you a good time, didn’t ah … it’s our secret. I  promise. I won’t breathe a word.”

It’s not often Jazzer promises something and I believe him. This time I do.


Harry really does love Grant

Kirsty had a point when she said Harry dropping back into Grant’s life was the most romantic thing she’d ever heard.

Imagine. You’re quietly sat in your wee cottage, in the back of beyond, and the great love of your life just happens to pop by.

[Kirsty] “At least someone got what they wanted last night.”

Grant and Harry take a wee walk with the dog, to have a chat.

Grant tells Harry that there also hasn’t been a man since him. Just a few “near misses”.

[Grant] “Losing you, was the worst mistake I ever made.”

Seems Grant dumped Harry. He could handle Harry around women – felt he couldn’t compete. He knows know that it doesn’t work like that.

[Grant] “If we were together now, it would be so much different.”

No more Milkman Harry?

As Jazzer gets the van ready to try and make it to Edinburgh:

[Jazzer] “Of course, I’m no some ponce you doesn’t know his spark plugs fae his spare wheel, I mean, no that you …”

[Grant] “Isn’t the spare wheel the one you drive with Harry?”

[Harry] “Oh no no, that’s the gear stick!”

Kirsty tells Grant to come see them in Ambridge, but that rather depends on Harry …

[Jazzer] “Should have known when I seen they posters of cyclists on your wall. It wasnae just their wheel trims you were interested in.”

[Kirsty] “Filth! Just ignore him Harry.”

Harry tells them to stop driving.

[Harry] “I have to take this chance … if I don’t, I’ll only wonder what if …”

And he runs back to Grant.

Now, I don’t know if it was Harry’s love for Grant that made him make them stop the van, or the realisation that Jazzer is a numpty sometimes (!), but either which way p could that be Harry gone from Ambridge?

Harry’s Bisexual, Jazzer shags Fallon: Tues 07.08.12

(sorry to be so blunt, but that’s exactly how it went!)

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 7th August 2012

• Jazzer’s boozing, Fallon’s jealous and the van’s knackered
• The village of Shap
• Will Harry reveal to be a serial killer?
• Hello Grant!
• Fallon and Jazzer, in a van
• Kirsty, Harry and Grant play spin the bottle

Jazzer’s boozing, Fallon’s jealous and the van’s knackered

[Jazzer] “The map reader is thirsty … hurry up, I demand to have some booze!”

(ah, didn’t take Jazzer as a fan of Withnail and I)

[Kirsty] “Give me one as well Harry, a beer I mean.”

Kirsty’s just having a laugh, but Fallon sees it as something quite different.

[Fallon, pretending to be Kirsty] “ ‘Oh Harry, isn’t Fallon silly, did I mention I’m single?’ “

[Jazzer] “You're no still doey eyed over wonder boy are you? I thought you’d be over him by noo.”

[Fallon] “It sounds as if they’ve high.”

But then the van thumps, and they have to pull onto the hard shoulder.

Fallon lets her green monster out.

[Fallon] “The idea was to get me and Harry together!”

[Kirsty] “We’re only keeping ourselves entertained.”

Friends again, they get back in the van. Harry knows a nearby village …


The village of Shap

Is somewhere in Cumbria (near Penrith, Harry said). Harry knows it very well indeed. He even has a friend there. So they decide to get to get to Harry’s friend, in Shap, to see if they can get their van fixed.

But he’s sounding a bit shifty about who the friend is, and why he’s never mentioned hi, before …


Will Harry reveal to be a serial killer?

As they drive into Shap:

[Kirsty] “I’ve lost the (mobile phone) signal.”

[Jazzer] “That’s it then, we’re doomed. I reckon this was Harry plan all along …Lure us oot into the middle of nowhere then murder us!”

[Harry] “Oh shut up.”

On Harry’s friend:

[Jazzer] “Probably some nutter who wears his mother’s skin for a dress … This is where he sacrifices us on a bare rock.”

Hello Grant!

[Kirsty] “Ooh, hey there!”

Well, we can take from Kirsty’s response that Grant is quite a looker.

He seems friendly chap. He immediately welcomes them, and offers them to stay the night. Which everyone is most decidedly grateful for.

Then he starts tells tales of he and Harry’s university days (that’s how they know each other).

Skinny dipping.

Oh aye!

And he suggests they all have a go.

[Grant, rather wistfully] “It’d be like old times Harry.”

Interesting.


Fallon and Jazzer, in a van

(rather than up a tree. Far more sensible)

Jazzer soon tired of Harry and Grant’s Uni stories.

Fallon was still convinced Kirsty was “all over” Harry (despite Kirsty more adamantly and clearly saying she doesn’t even fancy him. What sort of mate would she be to go after him, even if she did?).

So they both end up back out at the van.

[Fallon] “This trip’s a disaster before it’s even started.”

[Jazzer] “He’s no worth it. Seriously, if he’s too much of a numpty to see what’s in front of him.”

[Fallon] “Well it doesn’t look like he’s having any trouble now. Meanwhile, I’m sat up on my shelf.”

[Jazzer] “Don’t talk mince. You could have anybody you wanted.”

[Fallon] “Except Harry.”

[Jazzer] “That’s cause he’s a numpty … there’s nothing wrang wae you, you’re perfect!”

[Fallon] “It’s never going to happen. Why does nobody love me Jazzer … it’s not like I’m a minger. And I'm funny … and I can pull a pint. What else can a man want?”

Later, we hear (what sounds like) Jazzer kissing Fallon.

[Jazzer] “You’ve got such soft hair.”

[Fallon] “You’re always so lovely to me. And there I am pining over some guy who is never going to be interested, and all my dumb dreams of becoming a star …”

[Jazzer] “You are a star.”

[Fallon] “See, you think I’m special just for being me. Makes me wonder if I’ve got it all wrong …”

Fallon demands more booze, which Jazzer tries to suggest wouldn’t be a good idea (blimey!). They kiss.

[Jazzer] “Sorry, I cannae, you’re drunk and you're upset.”

[Fallon] “I’m not a child. I appreciate you being all gentlemanly. Just be the same as you are with any other girl. Jazzer. Just be you.”

Next we hear is more kissing, and the sound of a zip being taken down …

Goodness me!


Kirsty, Harry and Grant play spin the bottle

Now, that’s always a dangerous game for adults to play. Truth will out …

[Kirsty] “Why, what are you hiding?”

When Grant leaves the room for a moment, Kirsty says to Harry that Grant reminds her of Patrick. Except Grant’s hot.

(I was wondering why Patrick and Kirsty never got it together)

Back to the truth …

Kirsty spins, it lands at Grant and he chooses truth.

She asks him why he and Harry haven’t been in touch for such a long time.

Harry says that just had a falling out.

[Harry] “Well, anyway, I wish it had never happened.”

[Grant] “Me too … there’s not a day goes by I don’t regret it.”

[Kirsty, sensing it was more than just a ‘usual’ tiff between mates] “Wow, what was it?”

She guesses it was a love triangle.

[Kirsty] “Who was she?”

[Harry] “But it wasn’t a girl.”

[Kirsty] “What do you mean it wasn’t a girl … oh …”

And there we have it.

Harry’s secret.

He’s bisexual.

There. That wasn’t so difficult, was it?

Off to The Fringe: Thurs 02.08.12

Ambridge Extra Thursday 2nd August 2012

• Lager or cushions?
• Fallon does indeed have dishonourable intentions
• Phoebe noticed where Ruairi came from
• And Kirsty makes four

Lager or cushions?
Jazzer wants to take crates of booze, and spirits, with them in their teeny tiny van because he doesn’t want to pay Edinburgh prices.

(ahem … I seem to recall The Bull is none too cheap neither!)

Harry’s packed more practically. Jazzer is not impressed.

[Jazzer] “We’re going to Scotland, not trekking across outer Mongolia. And why have you got cushions?”

[Harry] “To make the van comfortable. I brought fairy lights as well.”

[Jazzer] “Fairy lights! Oh gaes us  a break!”

[Harry] “Well, we need to be able to see at night.”

[Jazzer] “I’m sorry pal, but there’s no room. We need to make space for the beer … We don’t need your scatter cushions!”

When Harry tries to take half of Jazzer’s beer out of the van:

[Jazzer] “It's a road trip, you Jessie, the whole point is to get bladdered!”

(is it just me, or is Jazzer being a tad more macho, and verging more and more on homophobic, these days. Over compensating?)

But Fallon loves Harry’s fairy lights. Doesn’t seem to make her think he’s less of a man.

[Harry] “I had made a kind of bunkette.”

[Jazzer] “Bunkette! … I suppose you’ll be wanting a hammock and some joss sticks an a … it’s worse than when he’s poncing about the flat.”

Fallon leaves them to it.


Fallon does indeed have dishonourable intentions

[Fallon] “This trip was just meant to be me and Harry. There’s no chance Cupid will fire his arrow if Jazzer is standing in the way.”

Though it’s an anxious time.

Kenton hasn’t sorted out cover for Kirsty’s shifts, so she may not be able to come alone to distract Jazzer (not in ‘that’ way. Kirsty’s far too good for the likes of Jazzer!).


Phoebe noticed where Ruairi came from

Mike takes Phoebe fishing.

He’s doing a bit of fishing himself.

[Mike] “So, nothing else happened while you were over there, did it … you just seem a  bit, well, you ain't your old self.”

[Phoebe] “You haven’t seen me for a year … really granddad, I’m fine.”

After landing a fine brown trout (and putting it back rather than grilling it), Phoebe asks Mike if he still loves Betty.

[Phoebe] “You still really love nana, don’t you?”

[Mike] “Yeah, of course, just cause she ain’t here no more, don’t stop me remembering all those wonderful year we had to together. Why do you ask?”

[Phoebe] “Nothing. It’s nice …”

Phoebe’s been wondering what life would have been like if Roy and Kate had stayed together.

(oh the humanity!)

[Phoebe] “It’s like people say they’ll always loved each other … even granny and granddad haven’t always loved each other. Granddad had Ruairi with another woman. I bet granny never wanted to bring up a little boy at her age.”

[Mike] “No, but they’re all right now ain't they?”

[Phoebe] “I just don’t understand why people have to lie to each other, especially the people they’re supposed to care about the most.”

Mike tells her about relationships being about downs as well as ups. That things can happen when not expected. Mistakes. Folks lie to avoid hurting other folks.

[Mike] “You never know what life's going to throw at you.”

(indeed. Like a baby)


And Kirsty makes four

Though Jazzer only got to go on the trip to Edinburgh as the mechanic, the van’s broken again.

Though he does get it working, it sounds quite dodgy indeed.

[Jazzer] “What was that, thank you Jazzer, you’re my hero, ah, you are welcome!”

(I think Fallon was half wishing the van wouldn’t start, Kirsty still hadn’t shown up)

Jazzer’s happy enough, though.

[Jazzer] “Spend all day getting blootered, then pass out in the space I’ve cleared!”

Just as they’re about to get on the road, Kirsty turns up.

[Jazzer] “Ach, she’s only wee, the mair the merrier!”

So it’s boys in the back, girls in the front. That way that can chat amongst themselves …

[Fallon] “We might even get to see harry without his cycling shorts on!”

[Kirsty] “Speak for yourself K!”

While the boys:

[Jazzer] “Well that’s double our chances. We’ve got one each now.”

[Harry] “Oh don’t be foul!”

Jazzer reckons Harry needs to get over Zofia. Harry won’t share his cushions (now that Jazzer is in the van, he’s realised how uncomfortable it is).

And with that, they’re off!

[Jazzer] “I’ll show you what a civilised country looks like.”

Keith admits he’s the firestarter: Wed 01.08.12

The Archers Wednesday 1st August 2012

• Keith’s guilty, but it’s all Emma’s fault
• Jennifer compares Brian to Stalin
• Even Jennifer can't afford stamps
• Jennifer likes a bit of Alan Bates
• Fallon’s van went by

Keith’s guilty, but it’s all Emma’s fault

According to Tracey …

Tracey called Susan to tell her Keith’s been charged. Just so happened Emma was there at the time (buying an electricity card. That £30 won’t get her very far).

[Emma] “So, it looks like he really did do it.”

[Susan] “You can’t know that. Lord alone knows what state he must be in.”

[Emma] “I’m so sorry it’s worked out like this. I didn’t want to be right.”

[Susan] “None of us wanted you to be right Emma.”

Tracey goes round to see Keith.

[Tracey] “What you been charged with?”

[Keith] “Arson. Criminal damage. Conspiracy.”

[Tracey] “Blimey. But they let you out again?”

Seems so. Though Keith had to report back to the Police regularly, and must stay away from Ambridge. The case will go to the Magistrates, then probably onto the Crown Court. Which could take a while.

[Keith] “It’ll be quicker if I plead guilty.”

[Tracey] “Guilty? Why would you do that? You didn’t do it … Keith …”

Keith admits he did. Forensics caught him.

[Tracey] “I just can’t believe it. Petrol bombing a farm.”

[Keith] “It weren’t a petrol bomb, I just …”

[Tracey] “I don’t care how you did it. What am I going to say to people … I’ve been defining you all round the village … how can you be so stupid, you’ve got it sorted. Good job. Nice house, what got into you Keith?”

[Keith] “It’s all front. The motor trade’s been rubbish for ages. I’ve got a massive mortgage on the place. I’m scared to think how many credit cards I’ve got, and they’re all up to the limit. And then this wedding came along. What could I do …?”

[Tracey] “Alright, so you’re skint. How does burning down a barn help that?”

[Keith] “There are some blokes. I knew one of them from way back … it started with the odd dodgy car … cause I know the area and I get about, I let them know if there was any kit that looks like an easy target … tractors, quad bikes … it was easy money. And all this stuff’s insured, no-one was supposed to get hurt.”

[Tracey] “These blokes, are you saying they were the ones what lamped Adam Macy?”

Indeed they are. Though Keith reckons he wasn’t “directly involved”. All he did was tell them about Adam’s forage harvester.

Then, when David could identify the blokes who attacked Adam:

[Keith] “We, they, the others, wanted to persuade him not to give evidence.”

Keith reckons he had nothing to do with the phone calls. Or letting the cows out.

[Keith] “I just did the fire.”

[Tracey] “Just!”

Keith reckons the blokes were pressuring him to have a turn. That they knew enough about him to get him into serious trouble at work, and with the Police.

[Keith] “I feel terrible. I’ll never forgive myself. I just got in too deep.”

BUT Keith is refusing to name these other bad blokes.

[Tracey] “You don’t have no choice Keith. You’ve got to cooperate. If you don’t, you’re going down forever.”

When Tracey tells Susan that Keith did do it:

[Susan] “I’ve had about just enough of this family.”

[Tracey] “He just got sucked in Susan, he never meant it to go this far.”

[Susan] “I don’t know what I’m going to say to Emma …”

[Tracey] “Her? … it’s Keith you ought to be worried about!”

[Susan] “He’s done a wicked, wicked thing!!!”

Emma comes in. Susan tells her Keith’s admitted it:

[Susan] “I’m really sorry Emma. I shouldn’t have doubted you. I just never thought he would …”

[Emma] “I know. I’m sorry too.”

When Emma leaves the room:

[Susan] “You’re being very unfair to Emma.”

[Tracey] “Whatever she though, she should never have made that phone call.”

[Susan] “He did something wrong.”

[Tracey] “And he’s suffering for it. He’s in bits.”

[Susan] “Yeah, now he’s been caught.”

[Tracey] “I don’t care. You just don’t do that to your own family.”

What a load of rubbish, Tracey.

Can believe it, but I’m squarely on Emma’s side this time. She did absolutely the right thing.


Jennifer compares Brian to Stalin

Quite right too.

Brian won the tender for supplying the arable to the Super Dairy (after a scintillating BL meeting …).

Annabelle asked Brian about the Adam ‘situation’.

[Brian] “It’s a slightly fluid situation at the moment.”

[Annabelle] “So, he’s jumped ship.”

[Brian] “Oh. Not necessarily so. The fat lady hasn’t sung yet.”

Jennifer wasn’t remotely happy to hear that Brian had ‘won’. It means next to no land for Adam to farm.

[Brian] “This has secured the future of the farm.”

[Jennifer] “What about Adam … so you’re writing him out of history, are you Brian, like some Soviet trick that’s fallen out of favour!”

[Brian] “Don’t be ridiculous darling. I’m not Stalin.”

[Jennifer] “Well it’s just that Adam doesn’t fit into your 5 year plan!”

[Brian] “He can if he chooses.”

I’m with Adam.

Sod it, move on, and get rid of having to bow to Brian.

Even Jennifer sounds increasing fed up with Brian.

Son or husband?!?


Even Jennifer can't afford stamps

She was going to buy 40 first class, but went for 20 first and 20 second instead.

[Jennifer] “They’re such a price now, aren’t they?”

Must be so if Jennifer has noticed.


Jennifer likes a bit of Alan Bates

(there was a lot of Jennifer today)

Jennifer was very impressed by Lynda’s cultural Olympiad. Especially the poetry reading.

[Jennifer] “She’s found this chap with a touch of the Alan Bates about him, in Grange Spinney … I could have cheerfully listened to him read the Borchester phone book.”

Fallon’s van went by

Seems now on their way to Edinburgh.

Sounded very noisy!

Phoebe arrives in Ambridge: Tues 31.07.12

(blimey, that was a quick flight)

The Archers Tuesday 31st July 2012

• Hayley wants Roy in the fast lane
• NOW Hayley worries about Phoebe’s room
• Mike likes grandkids
• Ed’s also dropping his price
• Phoebe’s arrival home is … muted
• Jazzer’s going to the ‘Brugh!
• Abbie likes the horses
• Brenda really has changed

Hayley wants Roy in the fast lane
So that they can get to the airport before Phoebe arrives.

Roy, ever calm, keeps to the slow lane.

They’ll get there. Eventually.


NOW Hayley worries about Phoebe’s room

She’s wondering if she should have spoken to Phoebe first before she redecorated.

Bit late for that, considering it’s done and Phoebe’s on her way.

When Phoebe sees it:

[Phoebe] “It’s different … I was expecting it to be how it was … than you. It was nice of you.”

So, not totally enamoured, but not horrified.

At least Delia’s pot matches the room (so reckons Hayley), though it might not have been a good idea for them to have hung photos of everyone Phoebe is “missing” from South Africa.



Mike likes grandkids

Vicky and Mike are sitting Abbie while Hayley and Roy go to collect Phoebe from the airport.

[Vicky] “This is fun, isn’t it Mike. It’s lovely to do things with the little one. There’s so much you can share with them. I really feel we have so much to give.”

[Mike] “Yeah, grandkids are great.”

Being Mike, I’ve no idea if he said that without thinking, or if he was trying to make a point.


Ed’s also dropping his price

So that Mike can drop his.

I would have thought they’d both be manning the barricades by now!


Phoebe’s arrival home is … muted

(Well, not literally. We wouldn’t have heard anything)

When Phoebe sees Hayley and Roy, she starts sobbing.

When she gets home, she goes straight up to her room. Not even stopping to admire the banner or cake that’s been made in her honour.

She’s a tad monosyllabic when Roy and Hayley go up to see her.

[Roy] “What about, um, well, eh, how are things with Kate?”

Phoebe changed the subject.

But, Phoebe doesn’t eventually go down, to say hello to all, and to get a hug from Mike.

[Phoebe] “It’s good to be home. It really is.”

Jazzer’s going to the ‘Brugh!

[Fallon] “I know what Jazzer’s superpower is mum, persuasion.”

Jazzer’s persuaded  Mike to let him go on holiday.

Because Fallon said he could come, when he fixed her van yesterday, she’s now stuck with him.

[Fallon] “I didn’t mean it. I was just being nice … I thought I was safe … I’d look like a right cow.”

Ever ready with good advice, Jolene suggests Fallon gets a fourth to come on holiday.

[Jolene] “Dilute him a bit.”

[Fallon] “Yeah, so he’s not so much of a gooseberry.”

(oh-ho! Fallon does have dishonourable intentions towards Harry after all!)

So who is Fallon going to call?

Kirsty.

She gets the time off of Ambridge Organics no problem (Helen must still be full of the joys of motherhood), but Jaxx might be a problem. It’s busy, and they’re already down staff.

[Jolene] “Do you want me to push Kenton a bit, see if he can sort something out?”

[Fallon] “Push hard … my happiness is at stake here!”

Abbie likes the horses

At the Olympics.

Bless.


Brenda really has changed

It’s a shocker!

Vicky tells Brenda that she’s told Mike she’s pregnant (Vicky, not Brenda).

[Vicky] “He’s been a bit dazed since then.”

Vicky doesn’t know if Mike is happy or not about the baby.

[Vicky] “And I realised I was just talking and talking because I was scared that he’d say … he doesn’t want it …  Will I measure up? I know what a wonderful mother Betty was to you and Roy … Mike’s been through it before, but it’s all going to be so new to me.”

[Brenda] “Mum was new to it once, you mustn’t worry about trying to be her. I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful mother, in your own way.”

[Vicky] “I can’t do it alone Brenda, but I can’t lose mike. If that’s my choice, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

Brenda even offers to go to the midwife with Vicky, as Mike’s likely to be busy (and still pondering).

Caring. A good listener. And helpful.

Where’s our usual brand of Brenda?

Mike’s told he’s going to be a dad (again): Mon 30.07.12

The Archers Monday 30th July 2012

• Vicky doesn’t want her toast
• Mike doesn’t approve of Kate
• What’s Adam thinking?
• Jazzer’s a happy chappy
• Fallon’s glum
• Mike’s had more cancellations
• She’s having a baby!
• Jazzer’s Highland Games 2013?

Vicky doesn’t want her toast

But Mike’s too knackered from the Community Games to notice.

How will he cope once the baby arrives.


Mike doesn’t approve of Kate

Now there’s a surprise.

Seems Phoebe was shaken by the bad taxi man experience. But she wasn’t hurt.

[Mike] “Must have been pretty badly shaken up to come home early … It’s Kate all over innit, the sooner Phoebe gets home and back under Roy and Hayley’s influence the better.”

What’s Adam thinking?

Certainly not about Ian.

Ian forces him to talk to him during the working day. Seems it’s the only way he’ll get to see him.

[Ian] “You’re making sure we’re only both at home when one of us is asleep.”

Adam denies.

Ian’s still (rightly) furious that Adam told Brian he wouldn’t be part of turning more of Home Farm over to arable, for the Super Dairy, without talking to him first.

Ian’s worried about what will happen if Debbie and Brian decide to turn yet more of Home Farm to arable.

Adam reckons he’d just look at “other opportunities”:

[Ian] “Other opportunities. Like moving away from Ambridge?”

[Adam] “Possible. I’d have to see.”

[Ian] “You really haven’t given me a second thought!”

Adam reckons Ian can work anywhere. But, Ian might not want to work anywhere.

But, Adam agrees to sit down and talk properly. Soon.

What’s that man thinking?

Does he want to lose Ian Craig … officially the nicest man to have even graced Ambridge?


Jazzer’s a happy chappy

[Jazzer] “You know sometimes when everything goes right … nae hangover, finished the round quick, even the pigs were in a good mood!”

Ah, nice to hear Jazzer’s dulcet tones being upbeat for once.


Fallon’s glum

Her van won’t start. Which means she’ll need it towed to a garage.

She needs the van for her and Harry’s Fringe extravaganza.

[Fallon] “This was meant to be a cheap trip!”

But not to fret. Jazzer’s in such a good mood that he takes a look at the van (for a free pint, of course).

[Jazzer] “What’s occurring … when you turn the key what happens?”

Amazingly – Jazzer diagnosis the problem from Fallon going “broom, broom, broom”.

After having a proper look, Jazzer decides the plugs are getting “sooted” up. And fixes it.

Fallon’s over the moon! Jazzer will get another pint AND one of Freda’s pie and chips on the house.

[Fallon] “So, you think it’ll get to Edinburgh?”

[Jazzer] “Know what you need, a resident mechanic!”

Fallon reminds Jazzer that he can’t get the time off of work. But Jazzer reckons:

[Jazzer] “Folk can change their minds.”

[Fallon] “Not Mike. He’s not exactly Mr Flexible, is he?”

(oh, that ominous for Vicky)

So – do we think Jazzer broke the van in the first place?


Mike’s had more cancellations

Seems more and more folks are deciding that while his milk is better, they can’t afford it.

He’s even considering dropping his prices.

Oops.

That won’t be good timing …


She’s having a baby!

[Vicky] “There’s something I need to tell you … yes, well, you know I went to the surgery last week for my smear test … I saw the doctor, not the nurse … this is all taken me by surprise, and I’m not sure how you’re going to feel about it …”

[Mike, sounding scared] “I thought it was just routine, you know … you know you mean the world to me. And I’ll support you every step of the way, whatever happens. I know the treatment can be tough … but look at Ruth Archer …”

[Vicky] “No, there’s not going to be any treatment.”

[Mike, terrified] “It’s incurable?”

[Vicky] “No, it’s not cancer, I’m not going to die, it’s quite the opposite actually.”

[Mike] “The opposite? What’s the opposite … oh my god!”

[Vicky] “I’m pregnant. I’m going to have a baby … I’ve thought more and more about it … I really think it’s a blessing … fate has given me, given us, this wonderful chance … I do think some things are meant to happen, aren’t they … our little baby … I know you’ll love it … it’s really what I’ve always, always wanted. It’s just going to be wonderful, don’t you think?”

At first, silence from Mike.

Well, he didn’t have to recover after Vicky’s onslaught.

[Vicky] “So, how do you feel?”

[Mike] “It’s, um, well, I can see how much it means to you, it’s just a bit of a shock … I think I, um, need a bit of time to let it sink in.”

And Mike doesn’t want anyone else to be told. Not with Phoebe coming home. She should be the centre of attention.

Vicky agrees, but:

[Vicky] “It’s like I’m bursting with the news m I want to tell the whole world!”

[Mike] “Let me work out how I feel about it …”

Mike was then rather shocked to be told their first scan is next week …

So – does Mike not want to tell anyone who that they still have abortion as an option (without anyone condemning them)?

Will he ever agree it’s a miracle?


Jazzer’s Highland Games 2013?

Jazzer was not impressed by the Community Games

[Jazzer] “It was like a weans sports day … Real Highland Games, there’s a spectacle, not some nancy bouncing over a ramp of chucking a gum boot!”

(steady on Jazzer! I know a fair few ‘nancy’ types who could do you proper damage with a welly!)

So, Jazzer might organise his own Highland Games next year.

That’ll be interesting.

Jazzer claims he has dignity: Tues 24.07.12

The Archers Tuesday 24th July 2012

• Kenton just wanted to read the papers
• Did Jolene sound odd to you?
• The Flame bearers
• To visit Edinburgh, ones needs a Glaswegian
• The actors have arrived
• The Bull’s team gets a head start    
• How did that sound like Wuthering Heights?
• Eddie’s special burger

Kenton just wanted to read the papers

It’s Kenton’s day off. He wants to “chillax” with a newspaper.

Jolene reckons Jill’s actually doing on the work.

[Jolene] “Come on Kenton, time to get your act together!”

Just as Kenton is about to escape Lynda’s wittering about her actors, he’s nabbed by Fallon and Harry, who are keen to get practicing for the Fete games. And they need Kenton for that. Being the mentor and manager of The Bull’s team.

[Jazzer] “I wouldnae fight it pal.”

Jolene even had Kenton’s training kit washed and ironed.

After the training:

[Kenton] “Right, that’s it. I’m off to chillax with the paper.”

But, just as Kenton’s about to head off to “wine, Miles Davis and the paper”, Wayne phones to talk to Jolene. So, Jolene needs Kenton to look after the bar.

But Kenton really isn’t that bothered. He’s looking forward to his forthcoming trip to New Zealand.

(when is that happening? And what did Wayne want?)


Did Jolene sound odd to you?

She did so to me.

Slightly clearer in tone.

Odd.


The Flame bearers

At the ‘Ambridge games’ will be Amy Franks, Alice Carter, Milly Button and Christine.

[Lynda] “And I was wondering about Hilary Noakes … she’s volunteered.”

Sounds ominous.


To visit Edinburgh, ones needs a Glaswegian

Jazzer’s sense of logic considers to stagger.

[Jazzer] “The thing about Edinburgh is, you’ve got to watch your back. We Glaswegians, we have the bad reputation, but we know better you see … you could do with someone with local knowledge along wae you.”

[Harry] “Jazzer, it’s an internationally famous event. It’s just full of people out to get rich cultural experiences.”

[Jazzer] “That’s exactly my point, you could get fleeced if you don’t know you don’t know your way aboot … and what about the cafs, you could end up spending a fortune.”

Harry reckons they’ll just take food back to the van. Jazzer changes tact:

[Jazzer] “That’s daft, You’d be missing out big time … Look at me as your local tour adviser, dedicated to enhancing your holiday experience.”

But of course, we all know Jazzer’s real reason for wanting to go. He’s worried Harry and Fallon will (finally) become an item.

Jazzer fancies Fallon. Fallon fancies Harry. Harry seemed to fancy Fallon, but then (without a word of explanation) went off her.

When Harry and Fallon are out of earshot, Jazzer asks Jolene which of them had the idea to go to Edinburgh (if it’s Harry, he can punch him. Fallon’s, he’ll weep).

[Jazzer] “I wouldn't have thought it would hae been Harry’s. Not enough sweat and lycra involved.”

Jolene can’t help but be a bit wicked. She tells Jazzer just how small the camper van is. Especially with two sleeping in there …

But it’s all academic.

Jazzer can’t go, as Mike can’t have both Jazzer and Harry off the milk round at the same time.


The actors have arrived    

What a rare occurrence that is in The Archers …

Lynda’s acting troupe has arrived to practice their performance art.

[Lynda] “I don’t want to miss Seth’s proclamation … in touch with the unseen presences around us. Yes, I know it sounds strange … it’s a sort of deep thought, for example, beside the phone box, he asks us all to tune in to the myriad conversations that still hover round the air around it … it releases a huge amount of creativity.”

[Kenton] “What a bunch of nutters. I’m almost tempted to stay, but the armchair calls.”

The Bull’s team gets a head start    

Which is a wee bit unfair. Fine for them to train, but with the event organiser (who also happens to be in their team) is a bit of a cheat.

Mind you, Harry and Fallon do seem to be plotting their approach quite cannily. They’ve also managed to sidestepped Jazzer being on their team:

[Jazzer] “They tried their best, but a man has his dignity.”

(aye, right then!)

Back to the training:

[Kenton] “Come on your two, you’ve meant to be caterpillars not slugs. Put your backs into it.”

[Harry] “Someone better tell him caterpillars don’t have backs!”

The training seemed to go well enough.

[Harry] “Finally cracked the caterpillar wriggle, it’s all in the hip action.”

How did that sound like Wuthering Heights?

At one point tonight, Lynda’s actors started playing music.

I thought it sounded like early bagpipes. Or medieval court music, at best.

Kenton thought different:

[Kenton] “Sounds like they’re remaking wuthering heights!”

Eh?

I didn’t realise Emily wrote a soundtrack as well.

And not even Kate Bush ever sounded that bad …

Once they were done making a racket, the actors seemed to disappear.

[Jolene] “Seth’s incantations created a black hole, and they’ve all been sucked in!”

Well nearly. Eddie managed to snag them off to his cider club.

The verdict on what the village has seen so far of the performance art?

[Kenton] “Well they are a little bit, pretentious … no one in the village has the slightest idea of what they’re on about.”

[Lynda] “I do, I assure you. As would anyone who bothered to listen to what they have to say!”

(that’ll be just you so far then, Lynda)


Eddie’s special burger

Eddie strong-armed Kenton into trying one of his special burgers.

Kenton sounded a bit scared. But after he’d tasted a bit, he said it had flavour. That it was “quite nice”.

Eddie tells Kenton its wild boar.

Kenton’s impressed.

Until:

[Kenton] “Where did you get the meat?”

[Eddie] “Ah, lucky chance. Road kill.”

Kenton beats a hasty retreat.

Tracey is frightfully rude to Emma: Mon 23.07.12

The Archers Monday 23rd July 2012

• Tracey pulls her punches
• Fallon and Harry return to go to Edinburgh
• Even Susan thinks Emma’s lying

Tracey pulls her punches

She went for purely verbal assaults instead.

[Tracey] “You can knock some sense into that spiteful daughter of yours!”

Seems Keith is at home, near suicidal with depression.

[Susan] “I can’t bear it, my daughter against my brother, what can I do?”

[Tracey] “She’s mad!”

Tracey reckons everyone knows Keith is innocent.

[Tracey] “Everyone knows it expect that vindictive daughter of yours.”

When Tracey later goes round to see Emma, to tell her to stop lying.

[Tracey] “You’ve built up this great big fantasy, it’s you that needs locking up, not Keith … what a  spiteful cow you are. Spiteful and malicious!”

Blimey. With an Aunt like that …


Fallon and Harry return to go to Edinburgh
How very odd.

We hadn’t heard from Harry nor Fallon for an age.

But up they pop today (right next to the secret microphones).

Harry’s bemoaning that everyone seems to have gone off on holiday. Though Fallon suggests he also heads off for a wee trip to the Milk Bottle Museum, he thinks he’ll just end up taking a holiday to watch the Olympics on telly.

Fallon’s next suggestion:

[Fallon] “A caravan in West super Mare and a bag full of 10 pence pieces, holiday sorted!”

Harry reckons he’s too skint to even afford that.

Then Fallon remembers she owns a camper van. Big enough for two …

[Harry] “Weston super Mare, here we come!”

Then they check what’s on:

[Harry] “Music and beer fest.”

[Fallon] “No thanks, potbellied blokes holding their pints up to the light … I get enough of that here.”

They want to go somewhere with life, music, culture … so they ask Kenton (!).

He suggest Edinburgh. He once went there with a mate:

[Kenton] “Yeah, and I think we left our mark!”

(he thankfully didn’t go into details)

So – they’ll be off to The Fringe. (The Fringe still strikes terror into my heart when it’s uttered … I survived 17 years of it as a local)

[Kenton] “Hmm Hmmm … you and Harry in a camper van, eh?”

Well spotted Kenton … Fallon might get her man after all!



Even Susan thinks Emma’s lying

After suffering the tirade from Tracey, Emma goes to tirade at Susan.

[Emma] “So, you still haven’t made up your mind, me or Keith?”

[Susan] “You can’t want Keith to go to prison love … It was someone who looked like Keith, maybe … I think you’ve built it up ... and now it’s a cast iron certainty … I know it’s a hard thing to admit, but can’t you accept the possibility that you could have got it wrong … it’s Keith’s future at stake … I’m sure in your heart you don’t want it to be him … the thing is, you’ve been wrong before … you swore blind that Ed was George’s father … you had us all going.”

[Emma] “This is nothing like that,. I saw him mum!”

[Susan] “You saw someone … maybe you just persuaded yourself it was Keith …”

Oh – Susan was cheeky to mention George’s paternity!

But she has a point.

Emma’s very good at convincing herself, then convincing everyone else …