Piglets set free 29/12/11

The Archers Thursday 29th December 2011

• Was it fixed?
• Tracey lets the pig out of the bag
• Helen’s back on the booze
• Roy’s checking his list twice

Was it fixed?

Neil was trapped in the Village shop, with Susan, having to listen to Vicky’s ramblings about last night’s Christmas around the World.

[Neil] “I only popped in for some mints, not a minute by minute run down o last night’s show. I mean, we were there!”

Vicky is not only crowing about the success of Christmas around the World – she’s also elated that she won the table centrepiece decoration competition. Susan reckons it was a fix. Vicky was one of the organisers of Christmas around the World, so was also on the inside of the competition. In Susan’s opinion, Vicky shouldn’t have been allowed to enter.

[Neil] “But half the village would have been cut out!”

Tracey lets the pig out of the bag

Susan wants to call Jennifer to see if Ruairi is okay after having been sick at their Christmas morning soiree. Susan reckons Jennifer will be embarrassed:

[Neil] “Not as embarrassed as we should be if she finds out it was Tracey feeding him chocolate”

[Susan] “Maybe it would be better just to leave it”

[Neil] “Talking of leaving things and Tracey …”

[Susan] “What’s she done now?”

[Neil] “She’s still here!”

Seems Susan and Neil have different opinions about when Christmas is over. Neil reckons now – Susan reckons it’s after New Year. And she doesn’t want to ask Tracey to leave until Christmas is over.

Neil leaves it at that, but later arrives home to find chaos. His piglets are out of their pen, running amok, but Tracey is just standing around laughing.

Seems her Chelsea wanted to stroke the piglets. How that led to them all getting out isn’t explained …

[Neil] “Oh for heaven’s sake Tracey, they’re not pets!”

[Tracey] “Oh well, it’s all good exercise isn’t it, for us and the pigs”

Susan then arrives home to find her garden wrecked (piglets and gardening don’t mix well). Seems it took Neil (and Tracey, eventually) over an hour to get the piglets back where they should be.

[Neil] “It’s not on Tracey. These pigs are my livelihood … doesn’t seem like you or your kids respect that at all. This isn’t a petty zoo, and what happened wasn’t funny”

Tracey apologies and reassures that it won’t happen again. Neil is just about to tell her to pack her bags and be gone, but Susan calls time out (for a cup of tea).

[Neil] “It’s not going to work Susan. You’re not going to put me off this time!”

[Susan] “But losing your temper isn’t going to get Tracey out ... it won’t happen at all if we don’t do it properly”

Susan’s plan is to get their dad, Bert, to ask Tracey to move in – rather than for Susan and Neil to ask her to move out. A positive rather than a negative.

Either which way, Susan better get a move on before a piglet is hurt.


Helen’s back on the booze

Pink champagne, this time.

She brought it round for the wedding hairdresser rehearsal with Nic and Mia.

Slippery slope … Mike’d better stay indoors again.


Roy’s checking his list twice

Mainly because Will’s nerves are running high.

He wants to be sure Mia and Jake now how to give Nic away. That Roy had the Vangelis, Shania Twain and Handel music ready. And that Ian will be waiting on the door step with open arms for the wedding cake from Eddie.

Roy does his best to reassure Will.

But, then tells him that there is a problem with the chandelier in their function room at Grey Gables. Seems another, quite boisterous, party had been in the other night, and someone had “knocked off some of the dangly bits”.

Not sure why Roy felt the need to tell Will, as it’ll be fixed before his wedding. It sends Will into a frenzied panic. He’s worried the whole thing will now fall down (a la Phantom of the Opera style, one supposes) halfway through their wedding.

[Roy] “She’s going to ask the maintenance man to do it, not Del Boy and Rodney!”

But Will calls Caroline anyway to triple check. He does know he’s being a pain, but he also wants to be sure everything will be perfect for Nic.

[Will] “I want to give her the wedding she deserves. I love her so much”

Later on – Will is still worrying. He’s checking with Nic that Helen knows when to arrive and what to do (being Helen, she already has her own timetable written down anyway!). A bigger worry is Emma. She needs to organise George as the ring bearer. Do we sense that’s one aspect that could be a disaster …?

Nic tries to give him a sense of perspective.

[Nic] “As long as you turn up, it will be. That’s all I care about”

Sounds like that won’t be enough for Will. He needs perfection (bless ‘im).

Christmas around the World 28/12/11

The Archers Wednesday 28th December 2011

• Tom loves his nephew
• Of course … Tom was worried about Tom
• Lynda still doesn’t know what Jazzer is singing
• No more “it’ll be alright on the night”
• Yes Jim, what equipment do you need?
• Albanian music
• James at the concert
• Peggy’s ankle is better
• Jazzer isn’t too impressed
• Jim did fine
• Jazzer’s singing was …

Tom loves his nephew

Which is sweet.

Not something you can generally say about Tom …

He’s been spending quality time with Henry. It seemed to have something to do with a ball pit.

Tom not merely recognises that Henry is better with balls than his pigs are (blimey!), but he also reckons Henry is great to be with.

Bless.

Wonder if that means he’ll be impregnating Brenda anytime soon?

Considering their engagement as seemed to be forgotten, I’d reckon not.


Of course … Tom was worried about Tom

Pat manipulated Helen?

Brenda and Tom are talking about Helen’s apparent change of heart about Rich. Helen has softened to the idea of why Pat and Tony chased so hard to meet Rich.

[Tom] “Only because mum manipulated her … she played the John card, that trumps everything”

[Brenda] “I really don’t think your mum is that calculating”

[Tom] “I still think it’s very generous of Helen to take everything that mum said at face value”

[Brenda] “You’re very protective of Helen and Henry, aren’t you?”

[Tom] “Someone’s got to be. I’m only looking after their interest. I’m protecting my sister and my nephews”

[Brenda] “And yourself. Tom you’re so angry, Are you sure some of this isn’t about you?”

But of course it is! What else would really motive Tom, despite that his claims of wanting to protect Helen and Henry.

Tom sees Rich as a threat. As predicted.

[Tom] “Sounds so paranoid … I can’t stop wondering if Rich might turn up here one day”

[Brenda] “And it would bother you if he did … even if it made your mum  happy?”

[Tom] “It would depend why he’d come, I mean if wanted anything to do with the farm …”

[Brenda] “I don’t think it’s very likely. He doesn’t even know there is a farm”

(eh? He will one day, surely Brenda?)

[Brenda] “All the work you’ve put into Bridge farm over the years, naturally you want to protect it”

[Tom] “He might want a  stake in it, a say in how we do things”

Brenda reckons Pat and Tony would never let that happen.

[Brenda] “You saved Bridge Farm … This kid may be John’s son, but you’re his heir”

True enough that Tom took on John’s business and made it work. But hardly true that he saved Bridge Farm after E. coli – he merely saved his own neck.

Typical Tom. It’s always about Tom Archer’s.


Lynda still doesn’t know what Jazzer is singing

Though the show is now, and Jazzer has told Robert (for lighting) and Patrick (for the piano), he still won’t tell Lynda.

[Lynda] “I’m the only one in the dark, then”

*sniff*


No more “it’ll be alright on the night”

Or else Lynda will get very (very) upset.


Yes Jim, what equipment do you need?

Jim’s equipment still hasn’t been sorted.

[Jim] “You’d be surprised …”

[Lynda] “I wash my hands of the whole thing”

[Jim] “Now Lynda, there’s no need to get a state into all of this … I’m sorry Lynda, I do appreciate your hard work, I really do”

Later on, when it’s nearly Jim’s turn and the equipment still hasn’t arrived (Lynda has a hard time getting hold of someone at Grey Gables – they are busy, after all. Ian was meant to take the equipment with the food but had no room. So Caroline is due to arrive with it, but she hasn’t arrived as yet), Jim suggests they move his spot to end the end in place of Jazzer.

Lynda’s also having none of that nonsense. Seems she’d prefer to take a chance on whatever Jazzer will sing than ending her show with Latin.


Albanian music

One of Elona’s daughters has just done her turn.

[Vicky] “I’ve never heard Albania music before”

[Lynda] “I don’t suppose anyone has”

Eh?


James at the concert

Taking photos.

But we don’t have to suffer him talking.

Seems Leonie is also there. She even makes up a plate for Lynda.

But we also don’t have to suffer her talking.

Happy Christmas!


Peggy’s ankle is better

Good.

Seems Elona is still being a great (paid) help to her.

Peggy spent Christmas lunch with Matt and Lilian, then went to see Jack.

Glad to hear she’s doing okay. Always worrying when someone gets hurt then goes silent …


Jazzer isn’t too impressed

Not by the food:

[Jazzer] “Too fiddly. All these wee bits and pieces. I want something ah can get ma teeth intae”

Nor by Rhys’ recitation:

[Jazzer] “I couldnae understand a word Rhys was saying”

[Tom] “He was reading it in English!”

[Jazzer] “I know. That was the trouble”

Jim did fine

After all that stress – and a horrible moment when it seemed he was about to do a PowerPoint presentation – Jim’s bit was fine.

All he needed was a computer, a screen and a projector. Simple, really.

He’s reading from Virgil’s Georgix book 2 lines 513-531.

[Jim] “For those of you who don’t know it it’s a poetic handbook on the arts of husbandry, should any of the farmers here wants to borrow my copy … I’ve chosen some lines on the pleasures of winter after the hard work of the agricultural year, that may strike a chord, it even ends with a darts match.

“ … But still the farmer furrows the land with his curving plough, the land this is annual labour, it keeps his native country …”

[Lynda] “That’s English, Robert, he’s reading in English!”

[Robert] “Yes indeed Lyndee, he is”

[Jim] “His little grandsons and herds of cattle and trusty bullocks …” (and on)

So Jim’s surprise was to put the Latin on the screen, but ready in English.

Steady on there! Too much excitement indeed.


Jazzer’s singing was …

… disappointing, in my humble opinion.

[Jazzer] “Ah have tae apologise to all they folks who were expecting a Scottish Christmas song, but it turns out we save our energies for Hogmanay … I thought I could cross the ocean as so many we scots have done in the past”

So he sings Have Yourself a Merry little Christmas … but quite badly. Lynda seemed to enjoy it, but I think Jazzer performs best with his wee ditties – this was a bit too much for him.

[Lynda] “Oh Robert, that’s beautiful., What a lovely song,. Fancy Jazzer coming up with it!”

[Robert] “It’s been an evening of surprises. And all good ones. Thanks to you. Happy Christmas Lyndee”

Helen understands Pat 27/12/11

The Archers Tuesday 27th December

• Pat talks to Kathy
• Robert tries to calm down Lynda
• Pat is primeval
• Where’s Jim’s equipment?

Pat talks to Kathy

Over lunch and a white wine spritzer.

Kathy was telling Pat that Lilian asking for list of invites for her 60th birthday.

[Pat] “I don’t know if I can face it. … maybe I’ll cancel it. I don’t feel like I have much to celebrate … I thought I could forget, if I threw myself into our family Christmas, I could forget.

“But I couldn’t … I made a complete fool of myself on Christmas afternoon … Helen said, just think this time last year you didn’t have a grandson ..,. and I though yes, now I've got two, only one I can’t see, It was too much. I broke down.

“Then we had the most terrible row, the children’s were so angry with me … there was Henry, lovely, lovely Henry who I see every day and the thought that I was never going to see Rich again”

[Kathy] “Again? What do you mean again? Pat, you didn’t?”

[Pat] “I thought it would help … it’s made things worse, for everyone. I think it was a terrible mistake”

Pat had thought that seeing Rich would help her move on, but it hasn’t. (obviously)

[Pat] “I know from the photos that he looked like John, I’d steel myself for that … but he has some of John’s mannerisms too, I hadn’t expected that. It was heart stopping”

[Kathy] “Jamie has some of Sid’s. It takes my breath away sometimes … but, he’s not John”

[Kathy] “I know. But that’s how I’d been thinking of him. A piece of John. He’s so much more. He’s his own person, even in the short time we were together, I could such a strong sense of his personality”

[Kathy] “That’s a good thing isn’t it, if you can separate him from John?”

[Pat] “No. because now I want to get to know him better. I want it so much … So, for the sake of 10 minutes with a grandson I shall never see again, I've totally alienated my own children … they were so angry, I don’t know if they’ll ever forgive me”

[Kathy] “It’s been a big shock finding a cuckoo in their nest … what does it actually mean to them. It just brings back painful memoires of losing John … at the moment they’re just jealous, Rich has been taking an awful lot of your attention and Tony’s”

Pat tells Kathy that it hasn’t changed the way she and Tony feel about Helen and Tom. Kathy tells Pat that they need to tell them that.


Robert tries to calm down Lynda

Not an easy thing to do, considering Christmas around the World is tomorrow.

[Robert] “Sit down, relax and pass me that cheese … pour us both a glass of wine and relax for half an hour”

Lynda is worried about everything – but especially Jazzer. She still doesn’t know what his song is …


Pat is primeval

Once home, Pat apologies to Helen.

[Pat] “I see now how wrong it was for me and your dad to go and see rich without telling you and Tom”

[Helen] “We’d ask you not to …”

[Pat] “I know. We’d just got swept up. I just couldn’t bear not to see him. Even if it was only once”

[Helen] “Despite what we wanted?”

[Pat] “Despite what anyone wanted., It was primeval. That’s an explanation, not an excuse”

As Helen has said to Tom, she needed time to ponder. She’s been trying to see things from pat’s point of view, and has also been looking at the pictures of Rich.

[Pat] “I was seeing Rich for the first time, but then I saw John again”

[Helen] “It seems now that he’s turned out not to be your first grandchild, Henry just doesn’t count anymore. That’s what’s really upsetting me mum”

[Pat] “If anything, this has made me love Henry even more. Because it’s made me realise how blessed I am to have my grandson in my house, where I can see him every day, watch him develop, love him as much as I want to. I can never have that with Rich … Henry has always been extra precious because we nearly lost him, now he’s even more. If this had happened and I hadn’t got henry, I don’t know what I would have done”

[Helen] “You’ve seemed lost in the past, back with John, and Tom and I felt the same, as if we didn’t count anymore”

[Pat] “Losing John made me love you more, if that’s possible”

[Helen] “That’s all I wanted to know. I hated feeling jealous. I wanted to be happy John had a son”

[Pat] “You can be. He’s a lovely boy. You know Helen, he’s called John too”

[Helen] “So, Sharon did love John after all?”

[Pat] “I think she did. I wonder if she’ll ever forgive us”

[Helen] “Or let us meet him .. he may try and find him himself”

They agree that if you love someone, you have to let them go. As they all had to do with John.

As Helen reminds herself, she also had to let go of Greg Turner. Then Annette turned up.

So – Helen now understands that you can move on, until that reminder comes back onto your life. Her mention of maybe Rich one day trying to find them sounds like she now also wants to meet him.

That just leaves Tom to convince.



Where’s Jim’s equipment?

After Robert managed to get Lynda to sit down, they’re now at the hall doing the final setup for Christmas around the World.

[Jim] “What a hive of activity!”

[Robert] “And you’ve come as an extra bee?”

No. Jim’s not a drone – he’s just come to rehearse.

But there’s a problem.

Jim was expecting Lynda to sort his equipment. But Lynda thought he had just been describing his equipment to her (oo-er!), and that he’d sort himself.

[Jim] “It is your show, Lynda!”

[Lynda] “And it’s your poem, Jim. No one else wants anything this complicated!”

Robert steps in to say that he can at least sort the computing back – and Lynda reckons she can sort the rest out from Grey Gables.

Damn that Jim!

As if Lynda needs the extra stress.

And what equipment does one need to recite a Latin poem?

Jazzer’s ditty is too risqué: The Archers Tuesday 20th December 2011

• Tracey’s coming good
• Bah humbug Mr Carter!
• Jazzer’s Christmas ditty
• Not a happy day for the Grundy turkeys
• The Buttons’ music is very “evocative”
• Why so confident about Virgil?
• Not a happy day for the Grundy turkeys
• Christmas without Ivy

Tracey’s coming good

[Susan] “Tracey’s going to get a list of jobs. And she’ll have to do them. It’s a three line whip”

Tough talk from Clarrie, but it does also seem that Tracey’s has been being more helpful. She’s been helping their dad and Gary to get a bit more sorted.

Which is taking a lot of strain off of Susan.

But, Susan think it’s time yet to mention Tracey moving in with their dad and Gary. Though Neil is obviously very keen to see her gone.


Bah humbug Mr Carter!

[Jazzer] “I like the wee Santa on your back windae … (to which Neil groans at) … you’re an auld scrooge, Neil Carter!”

Jazzer’s Christmas ditty

To be sung as part of Christmas around the World.

[Jazzer] “It’s a morality song, in a manner o speaking”

He’s practising in front of Lynda and Vicky, on the recently staged stage.

[Jazzer] “Awesome stage set ladies. I’ll definitely wear my kilt!”

Seems Patrick Hennessey will be doing the piano again. Don’t think we’ve heard from him since the Panto last year.

And they’re also filming all of the rehearsals.

[Jazzer] “You’re no gonnae put it on the web?”

Seems not. It’s just for Lynda and Vicky to watch back to give detailed feedback.

[Jazzer] “I’m used to feedback, though it’s never useful, and they don’t usually wait til I’ve finished”

Jazzer starts singing, but gets a choked throat.

[Jazzer] “Sorry ladies, I need some water”

[Lynda] “What you need is fewer cigarettes …”

When Jazzer does get started, this is what he sings (in his surprisingly fine voice):

[Jazzer] “I woke up with an aching head, as usual 
I can’t remember going to bed, as usual
Oh my stomach is feeling awfully queer
(Vicky and Lynda – “oh dear”)
I’ve got a thunder storm in my left ear
(more audible grumbling from Lynda and Vicky)
It must have been that shires beer, as usual”

[Lynda] “I’m sorry Jazzer, there’s no way you can perform that one … it’s quite inappropriate, that’s why not. What do you think Vicky?”

Vicky concurs.

[Jazzer] “What’s wrang wae it?”

[Vicky] “I’m not saying it’s not funny in its way, it’s just not right for our show”

[Lynda] “Exactly, we are a family show, a celebration of life”

[Jazzer] “So’s ma song, the guy’s woke up and he’s glad to be alive”

[Vicky] “He’s lucky to be alive, the amount he’s been drinking!”

[Jazzer] “There you are then, a celebration!”

[Vicky] “What we want is a nice cheerful number, something Christmassy”

[Jazzer] “Well there’s home and horizontal, that’s popular where I came fae … I’m sorry to disappoint you ladies but in my family we’re not all that interested in the White heather Club”

[Lynda, spitting with anger] “Oh Pity!”

[Jazzer] “So if you think I’m gonnae stan there signing Donald Whur’s your Troosers, you’ve got another think coming!”

Brick wall then.

Surely Jazzer could do the usual Auld Lang Syne? Would be good to hear it with the ‘Auld’ rather than the ‘Old’ …

(sorry to be pedantic, but that it’s annoying that folks choose what to and what to not translate. Leave it be and as it should be!)


The Buttons’ music is very “evocative”

Still not sure the coconut dance is suitable for two wee girls to be doing …


Why so confident about Virgil?

Seems Jim isn’t having to rehearse his reading from Virgil.

Lynda is just that confident that he’ll be fine.

What’s she up to? Not like Lynda to let anyone else have control …



Not a happy day for the Grundy turkeys

They’re being killed and plucked ready for Christmas day.

Sounds like Ed was the killer, with Clarrie plucking and preparing in their kitchen. Susan drops round for a cup of tea:

[Clarrie] “It’s nice to have some company, As long as you’ve got a strong stomach!”

Clarrie and Susan have a natter about Christmas, and also that a New Year will follow shortly (as per!).

Neither will be un happy to send to end of 2011. Clarrie lost her job, and reckons she’ll never get another.

[Clarrie] “Anyway, couldn’t have got off to a worse start could it with what happened to poor Nigel Pargetter”

(I suppose we can expect a lot more Nigel memories heading into the start of 2012)

And of course, Susan lost her mum. She’s especially feeling it now. She has memories of Ivy in her pinny slaving away. Clarrie agrees that Ivy was a grafter.

[Susan, sadly) “And she got little enough back for it in her lifetime”

Susan reckons it’s now down to Tracey and herself to fill the gap that Ivy has left. Which is a lot, considering Gary and their dad (and the rest of the clan) are useless.

[Susan] “It keeps me busy. Otherwise I’d just sit down and cry”

But it’s not all been a bad year for Susan and Clarrie. Little Keira was born.



Christmas without Ivy

Susan and Tracey had been round at her dad and Gary’s putting up Christmas decorations.

[Susan] “By the time we’d left, even dad had noticed!”

She’d also been opening the Christmas cards (as Bert doesn’t seem to bother)

There was one from a Ken and Mavis Buller, who neither Susan nor Neil seem to know. They out it to Ivy and Bert, and hope to see them soon. So, Susan will have to break the news to them. Whoever they are.

It reminds Susan even more that her mum is missed.

[Susan] “Oh when I think back to Christmases when I was little there was always a lot of shouting and scraping, that’s what my lot were like, and in the middle of it, there was my mum, trying to keep everyone happy making it all work”

[Neil] “She was lovely”

[Susan] “Didn’t matter how bad things were, if dad was out of work again, she always saw to it that Clive got his electric cars and I got my Bay City Rollers stuff, I dunno how she managed it, but she did”

[Neil] “Salt of the earth, your mum”

[Susan] “She was Neil. That’s why we have to ensure that everyone has a good time. Think we can”

[Neil] “I’m sure we can. We’ll do it for your mum”

Even I’ll excuse Susan if she’s a tad overzealous this Christmas time.

She misses her mum.

Say Hello to John’s son: The Archers Sunday 18th December 2011

• Fallon’s starting to worry me
• Lynda’s not good on step ladders
• Pat’s panicking
• Lynda doesn’t seem impressed with Nic’s hen do
• When Tony and Pat met Rich …

Fallon’s starting to worry me

She really doesn’t seem to have any life beyond working at The Bull. So much so that she’s willing to give all time possible to helping Lynda with Christmas around the World.

[Fallon] “It’s nice to get away for a bit. Manic Christmas parties all the time”

What about a night out? Go round a mate’s? Band practice?

At least she does have Nic’s hen night to look forward to.


Lynda’s not good on step ladders

Lucky she has Fallon.

Today, they’re digging out staging from under the stage and hanging it ahead of rehearsals.. Lynda particularly wants stage flats to mock up marble columns.

[Lynda] “It will give a whole thing a touch of grandeur, perfect for Jim’s recitation”

Seems Ian has the food well in hand.

[Lynda] “He says I should think of the food courses as performers, writing their cues and their exits”

Fallon even now offers to help Lynda with the favours for the performers. As well as doing the staging and serving the food.

Too much time weighs heavily on a young lady …



Pat’s panicking

In case she and Tony have got the wrong owl.

She also wants to stay put until Sharon, Eamon and Rich arrive. But that’s an hour away.

Tony manages to drag her round the market stalls. He finds some “little glass angels” for the tree, which he reckons Henry will adore.

[Tony] “Henry’s first Christmas make it a good one, though Henry won’t remember”

Seems like Pat also has a bad memory.

She already has one grandson …



Lynda doesn’t seem impressed with Nic’s hen do

Fallon's telling Lynda about Nic’s do, and that it’ll involve a pink stretch limo with a bar, music:

[Fallon] “Plus a poncy driver”

[Lynda] “Oh, how delightfully vulgar”

[Fallon] “Yeah! … Poor girl’s about to marry a gamekeeper. She deserves a bit of glitz. It will be all mud and feathers from now on”

(even though Nic already lives with Will, so mud and feather feature heavily in her life. But point taken)



When Tony and Pat met Rich …

2.30pm.

Sharon, Eamon and Rich arrive at the golden owl.

(tony did have the right one)

[Tony, trying to act surprised] “Hello. Hello Sharon”

[Sharon] “Pat and Tony Archer. I don’t believe it”

Tony does then direct a few questions at Rich. Rich seemed like a nice lad who was happy to natter. He’s an overview of what john’s son said:

[Rich] “Hi – yeah, she’s loads older than me – Lancaster, she likes it there – yeah, I go to training, some of have been in the county trials – thanks, it was great – bowler – any sport really, and science, biology mainly, quite like to be a wildlife conservationist – can we get on now – good, I’m starving”

Eamon takes Rich off to get some food.

[Sharon] “There, You’ve seen him. Are you happy now?”

[Pat] “He’s a lovely boy”

[Sharon] “You don’t have to sound so surprised!”

[Pat] “We’re not. He’s a credit to you”

[Sharon] “Me and Eamon”

[Pat] “Oh Sharon, thank you”

[Sharon] “I don’t want thanking. It’s done now anyway”

[Pat] “I don’t suppose there’s any chance …”

[Sharon] “Don’t play games with me Pat, you agreed with Eamon, one meeting only …”

Which Tony quickly concurs with to shush Pat and not annoy Sharon any further.

Pat asks Sharon if Rich took Eamon’s last name – which he did – Phillips.

And Sharon drops a bombshell.

Rich is just his nickname.

His real name is … John.

A slurry coloured Christmas at Brookfield: The Archers Thursday 15th December 2011

• All because of badgers?
• Lynda takes advantage of Fallon (and she likes it)
• Molly and Tilly Button’s coconut dance
• Now Lynda’s making Fallon scream!
• Pat and Tony will get to meet Rich

All because of badgers?

There’s a slurry leak at Brookfield.

[David] “If it’s going in the brook as well, it’s a disaster”

Seems ‘something’ has given way in the slurry lagoon, and its leaking slurry.

[Clem – some bloke who know about fixing slurry lagoons] “You might be right about the badgers” 

It hasn’t reach Hayden Brook as yet (well, there’s no dead fish to be seen at the moment). They’ll need to drain the lagoon to see where the problem is.

[Bert] “It could be worse David. At least the herd’s only been inside for a couple of weeks. A similar thing happened in your father’s days …”

(David stops Bert there – they don’t have time for reminiscence)

Clem rings round other farms to see if they can take on extra slurry so that David can drain the lagoon, but has no luck. Something to do with new NVZ regulations, which means everyone wants to be sure they have enough capacity for their own slurry.

So – David will now have to phone the Environmental Agency for an EA for deregation (or something like that – not my area of expertise). He needs to have their agreement that he can spread slurry, as long as it’s well away from water. He’s got to be able to drain the slurry somewhere.

[David] “You know what gets me, even if I do play by the book, I still might end up getting fined … Don’t you just love dairy. At the moment it’s just one problem after another.”

David also made another mention of badgers:

[David] “The damn badgers got busy!”

As if badgers needed any new bad press with David.

Though how badgers got into a slurry lagoon to make it leak, only David can explain.

Notice to all badgers: stay away from Brookfield. Grange Farm is a safer bet …


Lynda takes advantage of Fallon (and she likes it)

[Lynda] “I hope you don’t feel I’m taking advantage …”

Fallon says she isn’t, but is also more than happy to be roped into sorting out the scenery and staging of Christmas Around the World.

Poor Fallon.

She seems to have a lot of time on her hands.


Molly and Tilly Button’s coconut dance

Is that an appropriate dance for two children to do in public?

More worryingly:

[Fallon] “Have we got extreme event insurance?”

Now Lynda’s making Fallon scream!

Lynda seemed very keen for Fallon to go into her and Robert’s living room.

Which Fallon does.

And screams when she does so.

[Lynda] “Oh no. Not her as well!”

Later on, once Fallon has calmed down:

[Fallon] “Sorry about the little scream earlier … it was that hideous gleam in his eyes when I walked in”

[Lynda] “Hideous, rather than endearing?”

[Fallon] “Terrifying”

[Lynda] “Oh, what if I have him peeping over a little holly hedge, perhaps with a jaunty red ribbon tied to one tusk … doesn’t conjure up images of the frozen north and Santa’s workshop”

[Fallon] “He’d only go there to eat the elves!”

[Lynda] “Oh dear … never ,mind, you’re not alone in your opinion … unfortunately no-one’s taken him to heart”

[Fallon] “Table decorations are very subjective, Lynda”

[Lynda] “Far from it. Everyone seems to like Vicky’s effort, whereas they all seem to think my centre piece is thoroughly repulsive”

And with Oscar (and his parents, of course) coming up for Christmas, Lynda also doesn’t want to risk scaring the beejesus out of him as well.

[Lynda] “So I’m afraid it’s back to the attic for my little walrus”

Aw. That’s a shame.

Bless Lynda and her creative quirks. She really isn’t appreciated.


Pat and Tony will get to meet Rich

Tony gets a shock with Eamon calls him.

Seems Eamon has talked to Sharon:

[Eamon] “You can imagine how she reacted …”

[Tony] “So it’s a no?”

[Eamon] “That’s up to you Tony … first of all, you need to know that I’ve sweated blood over this, okay …

“me and Sharon talked it right through. To be frank, we wished you’d never got in touch. But, we’re prepared to let you and your wife see Rich once and once only .. and there are conditions Tony.

“You need to understand we’re not really doing it for your sake, we’re doing it for our boy. Like I told Sharon,. He won’t be happy if he does ever want to know about his blood family and he finds out we stopped his grandparents getting in touch. That is the only reason we’re saying yes … and it’s got to happen on our terms, or not at all”

The terms are that Sharon and Eamon will be with Rich the whole time. That it’ll be a very short meeting, in public. And that Tony and Pat can only say they’re old friends of Sharon’s – they’re expressly forbidden from saying that they’re Rich’s grandparents.

[Eamon] “If you ever look like you’re going to talk about his blood father, we’ll walk away … I’m not having him shaken up … it’s not only your wife suffering here, Sharon’s completely ripped up by this, and we didn’t want anything of this remember

"That’s it. A one shot deal. So make you mind up Tony, yes or no?”

[Tony] “Yes”

So, Eamon will call back with a when/where when he and Sharon are ready.

Tony was right to say yes straight away, before they changed their minds, but wonder if Pat will be happy with that?

Even if not – surely this can only help? It’ll at least stop Pat wondering.

Or, will it be a case of a little is most definitely not enough?

Lighting Up on The Green: The Archers Thursday 8th December 2011

• That Tristam Hawkshaw!
• The walrus doesn’t impress Vicky
• Don’t mess with Neil’s armchair
• The Ambridge Organics prelims are in
• What Scottish ditty will Jazzer sing?
• Mince Pie related failure
• Worried about Peggy

That Tristam Hawkshaw!

Seems all of FLOSS (Felpersham Light Opera Society) are pulling out of Christmas Around the World. Well, the few that had agreed to do it in the first place.

[Lynda] “Tristam Hawkshaw has been ringing with excuses all week … and now the only two tenors who can hold a tune have fallen out over a mezzo soprano”

But not to worry – Alan and a group of parishioners to the rescue, with a selection of carols.


The walrus doesn’t impress Vicky

[Vicky] “It’s a very small walrus Lynda, for a stage prop”

[Lynda] “ It was meant to be basking on a distant flow. To give a sense of perspective while we girls danced the seal sarabond”

[Vicky] “Well it’s certainly eye catching, the way the tusks seem to fallow you round the room”

Lynda’s table decoration won’t be entered into the competition, as that wouldn’t be fair. She’s the organiser, after all.

And she has a walrus.


Don’t mess with Neil’s armchair

Neil is livid.

[Neil] “Without even asking, Susan. I nearly let rip … The armchair is there for a reason!”

[Susan] “To be fair Neil, she hasn’t moved it that far … it’s been in the same spot since we bought it”

[Neil] “I lined it up perfectly. So when I do get a chance to sit down the sun isn’t in my eyes, it’s at a good angle for the telly and if I want a can I just reach out to the side table”

Susan is trying to reason with Neil, until she finds out that the kids had been using her new (new!) rose lampshade for a hat!

She is not amused.

[Neil] “We worked hard all our lives to enjoy living here Susan, and now we’re being crowded out of our own home”

[Susan] “I like having her around, she’s better company than any of my brothers”

[Neil] “So are most of my pigs … I feel mean, but they’re driving me crackers!”

Susan concurs (I mean to say, that new rose lampshade might be marked!), and wants them to move into No.6 The Green with her dad and Gary. That’d mean they’d have somewhere to live that isn’t the Carters’, and Susan wouldn’t have to look after both households.

Perfect.

Neil wonders whether No.6 is big enough – but, as Susan points out, Bert and Ivy managed to bring up their brood in it. Which gets Neil thinking about how he can help modify the house to cope.

[Susan, warmed by Neil’s generosity] “Going to all that trouble for my sister”

[Neil] “Believe me, I’d go to a lot more trouble if it means getting them out of the house”

Neil isn’t too happy that they won’t start their plans to move on Tracey until after Christmas, but it is fairly close now. Will they all survive in the meantime?

And more importantly – will we ever know if that lampshade was harmed in the making of the kids’ dressing up?


The Ambridge Organics prelims are in

Pat couldn’t care less.

Helen seems to think they’re okay. As does Tom.

[Helen] “At least it feels like we’re slowly making some sort of progress”

Pat’s disinterest hasn’t gone unnoticed.

[Tom] “I feel sorry for her … it must be really difficult opening up old wounds”

But he hasn’t changed his mind about getting in touch with Sharon. Much to Helen’s relief.

Pat to reveal the truth at Christmas dinner?


What Scottish ditty will Jazzer sing?

Lynda has got Jazzer to agree to sing rather than recite (she’s very low on musical acts). He’s going to sing a traditional Scottish Folk Song.

It could be as lovely as the one he did at Ambridge Has Talent.

Or, it could be a slightly earthier ditty …


Mince Pie related failure

The point of Lighting Up is that the start with The Bull, then work through all the houses around the green – each turning on their Christmas lights in turn.

As we know, Joe’s doing Jim’s while Jim is comparing.

But Joe literally lets the side down. Jim’s light are late in coming on, so hold up that whole side of the green.

[Jim] “Mince pie related … fortifying himself with some free ones from The Bull”

And, Joe dropped one of the pies onto Jim’s carpet in his haste to try and get the lights on.

Tsk tsk Mr Grundy elder. You only had one job to do…


Worried about Peggy

We haven’t heard from her in a while, and mentions of her sprained ankle seem to be on the increase.

Silence and any sort of illness is never a good sign …

The Archers Sunday 4th December 2011: A walrus with a murky past

• Christine and Jim, still a happy couple
• Christine loves Ambridge at Christmas
• Robert’s domain …
• That Walrus
• Kathy agrees there is a likeness
• A reduced display at Christine’s
• Pat won’t leave the leeks

Christine and Jim, still a happy couple

Or non-couple as they like to see it.

They having elevenses while tacking the crossword together.

[Christine] “We seem to do better working as a team”

[Jim] “Well, there’s no sense both of us struggling with the same crossword”

Just because two adults like each other’s company, doesn’t mean they have to be romantically involved. I know that.

But wouldn’t it be nice for them both?


Christine loves Ambridge at Christmas

Which she reckons means she hasn’t outgrown Christmas, but I think it quite natural.

She doesn’t envy Jennifer and Brian for their holiday away. She prefers it right where she is. Especially decorating the house with green foliage. Which used to disturb George.

[Christine] “Woods all day, and comes home to a forest!”

And, when the band plays on the green as the Christmas lights are turned on, Christmas has started for Christine.


Robert’s domain …

Is the loft, according to Lynda.

But that doesn’t mean he’s left to rule in it. Lynda has a say right throughout his search for Christmas decorations.

They have their own needs, and “the village hall swallow decorations”, according to Lynda.

That’s when Robert stumbles across …


That Walrus

It’s a plastic walrus, which Robert reckons they should throw out.

Lynda is horrified.

[Lynda] “It’s a piece of personal history. My spell with the Sunningdale players was a golden time. Especially our dance interpretation of our Nanook of the North …”

And anyway. Lynda thinks they just don’t know when it might come in useful.

And lo – just Robert is getting a bit short with Lynda (brave man), she comes up trumps – a table decoration competition at Christmas around the World!

And three guesses what will be Lynda’s centrepiece?

A plastic walrus.

Lynda tried to justify why a walrus would be appropriate for a table centrepiece.

[Lynda] “Well, reindeer are popular at Christmas”

[Robert] “He looks rather sinister. Like a walrus with a murky past”

Later on, when Jim sees the walrus:

[Jim] “There’s a walrus who knows where the penguins are buried!”

You never know.

A sinister walrus might just be what the judges are looking for.


Kathy agrees there is a likeness

Unlike the rest of Tony’s clan, Kathy doesn’t seem as sure that there’s a striking likeness between Rich and John.

She agrees there is a definite likeness.

[Kathy] “He’s certainly very like him, in some ways”

So whereas Pat sees the same smile, the way he holds himself and his eyes:

[Kathy] “Only one photo, one angle …”

[Pat] “It’s all I need, Kathy”

Kathy doesn’t think pat is wrong wanting to know, but:

[Kathy] “I just wonder … perhaps going over and over it isn’t really helping”

Pat does admit that she was “clumsy” when she told Tom and Helen. Which didn’t really help. She’s sorry about that, but still can’t really understand their reaction.

[Pat] “Just to forget about it now. How can they stand not knowing?”

Kathy reminds Pat that she’d said before she’d need to move on. Pat may have said that, but it’s not where she is now.

[Pat] “But if I don’t get in touch, how can I stop myself thinking about the boy, every single day?”

A reduced display at Christine’s 

Seems Christine, despite her love of all things Christmas, won’t be doing her usual Christmas display.
Seems there’s clips missing from some of her gutters. So, she can’t hang all of her lights.

But not to worry – Jim’ll Fix them!

[Jim] “It’s a problem. It’s a challenge. And I like challenges”

And off he pops to see Robert, a man who “knows his way round a toolbox”.

I feel a sense of worry about Jim, up a ladder, during winter.

(Nigel, on a roof, during winter)


Pat won’t leave the leeks

[Tony] “There’s no need to wear yourself out”

[Pat] “Actually there is , every need. Because at the moment it’s the only way I can see of getting through the whole day without screaming. So if you don’t mind Tony, I’ll just carry on as I am!”

Ouch.

The Archers Friday 2nd December 2011: Helen’s ever decreasing circles …

• Mike’s in trouble with the wife
• Why would anyone buy Joe’s holly?
• Don’t use the ornamental bird bath as an astray!
• Les Tres desert Noelle
• Col-von-ellie?
• Ah, it was Mike’s birthday
• Abby had two!
• Helen offloads to Ian
• Bitten tails and piglets
• Brenda, the serving wench
• Tom’s still thinking of others

Mike’s in trouble with the wife

Remembering Mike’s wife is Vicky, that’s not a good situation to be in.

Vicky’s doing the dishes, Mike comes in, she smashes them down.

[Mike] “Ow! Me head ,,, It’s still a bit delicate from last night”

[Vicky] “One drink, you said. I was expecting you at 9”

[Mike] “You should have phoned”

[Vicky] “I wasn’t going to beg!”

[Mike] “Look, I said I’m sorry … oh, there’s no talking you”

And he storms off to the green burial site, while Vicky starts baking.


Why would anyone buy Joe’s holly?

After his pee-taking last year.

Vicky did, which Mike is aghast by. She could have got it free from Brian.

But, seems Vicky felt sorry for Joe.

He’s a crafty one, that Grundy senior.


Don’t use the ornamental bird bath as an astray!

Lynda has noticed, and is not amused.

In fact, she’s scrubbing it down as it has been rather neglected of late.

[Lynda] “a clean bird bath can be a vital source of drinking water for birds during winter”

She’s saying all of this to Ian, who sounded a bit guilty when she mentioned the astray usage. He doesn’t admit his guilt (surely other folks at Grey Gables smoke), but says he’ll smoke responsibly in the future.

Honestly, smoker with bad manners really irritate me.

As a smoker, it’s bad enough I get harassed for what I know is a disgusting habit, but one (as an adult) I choose to do. It just gets worse when someone else takes the Michael and gives us all a bad reputation.


Les Tres desert Noelle

Ian redeems himself from the association to smoking by telling Lynda and a desert he could do for Christmas around the World.

Les Tres desert Noelle

(or should that be Les Treize Desserts de Noël?)

It’s about the 13 deserts, representing the 13 disciples. That includes two types of nougat representing good and evil. And 4 beggars, which is hazelnuts, almonds raisons and dried figs, representing the different religious orders (the poorer ones).

Lynda is delighted.

Col-von-ellie?


Vicky brings a peace offering to Mike at the green burial site.

[Vicky] “My col-von-ellie … folded pizza”

Sorry?

Did Vicky mean Calzone?

Either way, Mike already had eaten. A pie from the shop (normally is a pastie).


Ah, it was Mike’s birthday

Which is why he was out late.

Vicky tells him that she upset at him returning after his curfew (!) as she wanted an early night … but she offers him the same sort of present tonight.

Daft Mike doesn’t know when he’s winning.

[Mike] “I did try and tear myself away from the bull”

[Vicky, getting annoyed again] “Not hard enough”

He then starts telling her his reasoning for staying.

David was there, and seemed depressed. Neil was also in, trying to avoid Tracey’s kids. And Bert also come in/ He was also depressed as he’d only placed 3rd in his most recent ploughing competition.

[Mike] “Still, things picked up with Eddie and Clarrie came in!”

Seems it was then drinks all round – and Roy then also appeared.

[Mike] “We all really let our hair down then!”

[Vicky] “And to think I was sat at home all alone …”

Lynda gave her food (whatever it should be called) to Lynda, who’d popped by to see Mike’s progress on the green burial site.

As I said. Daft Mike.

If he’d only stopped at “sorry”.


Abby had two!

Which Lynda sniffed about.

Seems Oscar opened his first advent calendar window today.

But Vicky told her that Abby had two advent calendars – one at home, and one at Vicky and Mike’s.


Helen offloads to Ian

[Helen] “I can cope with my brother being dead, what I can’t cope with is him coming back to life. There’s no way I’m ready to meet the 13 year old John again. But then again, when is John’s son not John’s son, when he’s a total stranger … I’m not making much sense …”

[Ian] “Well, it’s not a sensible situation”

[Helen] “You know when you put your debut card in the cash machine and it rejects it … that’s what my mind keeps doing with that photograph, It just keeps pushing it away,. Oh Ian, don’t tell anyone about this. Not even Adam …

“ I’ve spent so much energy in my life fighting the reminders … after his accident … at first, I was a tower of strength. l Everyone told me how marvellous I was being, how string for mum and dad and Tom. But over that summer, I just couldn’t face coming back, so I went to Ireland for a job, but really I ran away. I was trying to explore how I was feeling. It was such a dark time. I was so lonely. I missed my big brother so much …

“ I just wanted to prove to myself I could cope alone I suppose, that I was in control, I can see now I wasn’t. It’s so complicated Ian. John’s was big shoes to fill, he was so popular and easy going.”

[Ian] “You didn’t have to compete”

[Helen] “But I was the eldest now .. Responsible for everything. Plus I didn’t want to drown in all the messy grief at home … and then shortly after I came back, mum got depression and I have to be strong again and run the dairy and pretty soon I found out I preferred being strong and busy to staring into the abyss. So I kept being busy. Then Greg died. And I found out you could manage everything, expect grief”

Seems Helen learned a lot of what she was saying (sorry … feeling) from when she was in counselling. Now she’s angry at herself for “falling to pieces over” over the photo of John next to Rich.

[Ian] “Your parents dropped this on you from a dirty great height… and you just freaked out a bit. … you’re stronger than you realise … look how far you’ve come, you’ve given the family this wee man … so you should focus him and your life now. The past can’t threaten that”

[Helen] “I wish I had your faith in me, Ian”

Bitten tails and piglets

Tom thought his pig had a bitten tail.

But it didn’t.

And Lynda usefully told Tom:

[Lynda] “Did you know baby hedgehogs are called piglets?”

She and Robert are making a hedgehog hibernation box.


Brenda, the serving wench

Dropping the idea of Tom making a Norwegian sausage dish for Christmas around the World, Lynda now wants Tom to provide chipolatas for sauerkraut and sausage snacks.

Which he agrees to.

Lynda then pushes her luck – she asks Tom if Brenda would help serve at the do. Seems Fallon has agreed to.

[Tom] “Don’t hold your breath!”

Busty Brenda the serving wench.

That’s would surely be a major selling point.

And would give Lilian a grand old laugh.


Tom’s still thinking of others

Which is an amazing transformation.

Technically – he’s not thinking of others. Just Helen.

[Tom] “I’ve come to my own conclusion about it … ditch it mum, this whole idea of ringing Sharon isn’t on, not now, not ever. I understand it means closing off a very big door for you, but it’s too high a price to pay”

[Pat] “Henry may never l know the identity of his father, do you really want the same for Rich?”

[Tom] “I don’t care about Rich! … I care about Helen. And you can’t push her like this, it’s not fair, it’s not right… you need to draw a line under this fantasy. And move on!”

What a caring brother.

If, we believe that Tom really is just thinking of Helen. And not just his inheritance …

The Archers Sunday 27th November 2011: Pat reckons there’s no doubt … John had a son

• Is there a fashion for sprouts on stalks?
• Pat’s obsessed
• Squealing not squabbling
• Pat … pushy?
• No Smoking zone around the weaners
• First Sunday in advent
• Neil stands up to Lynda
• Lynda can squeeze in a lusty …
• Was there a point to Neil’s keys?
• Seeing is believing for Tony

Is there a fashion for sprouts on stalks?

Would seem so, going by Tony.

He’s a happy chappy as it saves him having to strip them off.


Pat’s obsessed (part 1)

Sharon’s number has been “burning a hole” in Pat’s pocket since she got it from Susan. But she hasn’t called her. Yet.

[Pat] “To think there could be a part of John living on in Rich, it’s so … oh, all the years I’ve yearned for him Tony, and now it’s so tantalising”

[Tony] “I knew this would happen, that this restlessness would overtake you, I’d have advised against asking Susan for the number in the first if you’d bothered to consult me”

[Pat] “Aren’t you in the least bit curious about him?”

[Tony] “No. No I’m not … I think it’s best all round if you tear it up and forget all about it, then we can just get on with our lives”

[Pat] “I can’t … I really would like to phone Sharon, at least that I’d, we’d, be one step nearer knowing either way, can’t you see that … think of it Tony, the reward …”

[Tony] “The heartache …”

[Pat] “This boy could be our own flesh and blood, our grandson”

[Tony] “Please love. You’ve got no idea where it could lead”

Squealing not squabbling

Susan thinks Neil’s pigs sound like they’ve never been fed.

But Neil is more than content.

[Neil] “I’m enjoying the peace and quiet too much … their squealing is music to my ears, believe me, compared to Brad and Chelsea squabbling”

Later on, Neil reckons he spends the worst two hours of his life when he’s left alone with the kids.
There were doors banging. Yelling. AND taunting.

[Neil] “They know I haven’t got any authority over them, you see”

Pat … pushy?

Never.

Susan is wondering (and worrying) if Pat has called Sharon. Neil doesn’t want to know nor cares.
Susan is worried that Sharon will be angry with her rather than Pat:

[Susan] “Pat has this way about her sometimes … pushy”

But Neil tells Susan to let it go.

Maybe he and Tony should get together to gang up on their womenfolk.


No Smoking zone around the weaners

Neil being unhappy about the Tracey plus brood invasion is going a tad too far for Susan.

He’s complaining that though Tracey claims she has money problems, she still seems to be able to afford fags.

[an indignant Neil] “She was smoking out her by the weaners yesterday, I’m not having that!”

[Susan] “She’s my little sister Neil, don't judge her”

First Sunday in advent

Blimey.

I agree with Lynda. That has come round fast.

It’ll soon be time for Jennifer to panic about being late with her Christmas cards, which makes me panic, though she’s always 2 weeks ahead of final posting (damn her!).

At St Stephens:

[Lynda] “Lead, Kindly Night, such a marvellous hymn”

Alan says it’s also Mabel’s favourite.

And wee Mia got to light the first candle.

[Alan] “’Cept I thought she was going to set fire to my surplus when she dropped the taper”

[Lynda] “Well at least you let her near a living flame and not a glostick … it make me feel all Christmassy”

And to top it all – the Christmas day service is back at St Stephens this year.

Lovely.


Neil stands up to Lynda

Lynda was asking Susan (and Tracey) to help her with the food for Christmas around the World.

[Lynda] “It could be a nice bonding experience for the pair of you, as sisters”

Nice try Lynda – but Neil steps in to say no. Quite firmly. He tells Lynda that Susan has enough to cope with.

[Lynda] “Gosh Susan, what an advocate … well you can see I had to try”

Once Lynda’s gone.

[Neil] “She’s got the sensitivity of a rhinoceros!”

Lynda can squeeze in a lusty …

… baritone.

Though I’m not sure she should have referred to Alan in that way to his face.

Lynda is planning to “hide the weaker acts in the middle” of the show.

(That’ll be Jim, then)

Though she is delighted that Mabel has offered (through Alan) to read a Jamaican poem. And Mabel has also offered to make gallons of Sorrel. Though it’ll be of the non-alcoholic variety.


Was there a point to Neil’s keys?

Neil left his keys at the bottom of the bell tower.

So Alan brought them back.

Did I miss the point of that?


Seeing is believing for Tony

Tony comes across Pat in the bedroom. On the laptop. Being very defensive that he caught her.

[Pat] “Can’t I have any privacy?”

[Tony] “It’s my bedroom too”

Pat fesses up that she’s been trying to find Kylie’s Facebook page.

[Pat] “If there’s a photograph of Rich out there, I’ve got to see it. I’ve got to know”

So Pat’s obsession has now extended to online stalking.

And Tony now joins in to help her look.

[Tony] “Your hand is shaking”

But they find Kylie quite quickly. She can’t have her privacy settings set very high as they’re able to see all of her photos.

They spot a family one. With her brother in it. And Tony even knows how to enlarge it so that they can see it properly.

(what’s Tony been doing online?)

[Pat] “Oh my god … look at him. He’s the exact image of John”

[Tony] “I can’t believe it …”

[Pat] “There’s no doubt Tony. John had a son!”

Double blimey!

Is he that like John, or is Pat and Tony seeing what they want to believe?

The Archers Wednesday 23rd November: Jim leaves Christine …

• … but he’ll be back for supper
• Would you call your child Richard Richards?
• Jim to sing for their suppers?
• Just when Susan wishes she could get rid of her siblings …

… but he’ll be back for supper

As Jim helps Christine with the crossword, they both also sound a bit sad. They’re realising that their “arrangement” can now finish.

[Jim] “All good things must come to an end”

[Christine] “It’s been a real pleasure having you to stay. Not to mean, well, feeling safe”

[Jim] “But now that the egregious Mr Horrobin has departed …”

Clive hasn’t been seen in Ambridge for over a week. So, technically, Jim doesn’t need to stay to keep Christine sane and safe anymore.

Christine is still jumpy (she gets a real fright when the doorbell goes), so Jim reassures that he:

[Jim] “isn’t going to shift until she feels safe in her own home”

Christine later goes round to ask Susan if Clive has gone for good. Susan reckons so, as Clive was only given permission to be in Ambridge to see his mum. As Ivy has now departed, Clive has to stay away.

So, Jim leaves Christine.

But, they swap house keys.

And Jim will be back for supper.

I suppose they can continue to enjoy each other’s company while they live in different house, but wouldn’t it be nicer if they just made it official?


Would you call your child Richard Richards?

Pat’s asking Susan if she knows what Sharon’s married name is. She was Richard before, as Kylie still is, but Pat is obviously trying to work our Rich’s surname.

[Pat] “Would you call your child Richard Richards?”

[Susan] “It’s not unheard of. Neil used to sell pigs to an Evan Evans. Then there’s David Davis. Maybe it’s a Welsh thing. Although Sharon’s not Welsh is she, so maybe, I don’t know, although Eamon, that could be a Welsh name, or Irish …”

Blimey. That was quite a verbal ramble from Susan!

And if it is a Welsh thing, wouldn’t Pat be best placed to know? Or, did she forget about her nationality along with her accent?!?

Anyhoo – Pat asks Susan to ask Kylie, but Susan says ‘no’ as she’d feel too awkward. Neil must have got through to her.

Pat apologises for asking, and tells Susan to forget it.

Somehow don’t think neither Pat or Susan will forget this until they know for sure one way or another.


Jim to sing for their suppers?

[Jim] “Did you want something Lynda, or are you just being nosy?”

[Lynda] “Nosy? Me?”

[Jim] “I hear there’s a change of plan., My little recitation is to be delivered to an audience of diners as they pick their teeth and eructate between courses”

[Lynda] “I’m sure they’ll appreciate your performance all the more for being well fed Jim … I was just wondering, is there any change you could sing rather than recite?”

[Jim] “Sing? Me! In Latin? … would you like me to accompany myself on the lyre?”

Oh Jim, you are naughty. You got Lynda’s hopes up with that one.

(Seems Jim can’t actually play the lyre)

[Jim] “No Lynda, with me it’s recitation or nothing”

Just when Susan wishes she could get rid of her siblings …

… one of them comes crashing into her life.

[Susan to Neil] “You don’t know how lucky you are not to have brother or sisters. I wish I could wash my hands of the lot of them!”

Then the door goes.

It’s Tracey.

She’s left Den.

[Tracey] “The kids are in the car and we’ve got nowhere else to go. Can we come in!”

(that last bit was a demand rather than a question)

Susan really doesn’t have any luck at the moment.

The Archers Sunday 20th November 2011: Stir-up Sunday

(with the Grundys rather than the Archers)

• You can’t even use the kids as an excuse
• It’s Eddie and Clarrie’s 30th tomorrow
• Stir-Up Sunday with the Grundys
• Tony thinks Pat is mad

You can’t even use the kids as an excuse

Lynda really has thought of a way to kibosh every possible excuse anyone could give for not going to Christmas around the World.

Will was caught out.

[Will] “There didn’t seem to be much in it for the kids”

[Lynda] “I know, which is why … I recognised rather later in the day that my original concept was somewhat lacking in appeal so I’ve had a radical rethink, and I think you’ll find this version infinitely to your … taste … quite literal.ly, because it’s going to be a feast … of food …interspersed with morsels of entertainment”

Will seemed to perk up at the sound of food. Especially as it’s the lovely Ian who will be cooking it.

Later, Lynda corners Pat and Tony to ask them for cheese (at cost, not free).

But – December 28th might clash with Will’s stag night.

Aw. That would be a shame.


It’s Eddie and Clarrie’s 30th tomorrow

And they’re off round The Bull.

But – they don’t know that Nic and Will have plans for them …


Stir-Up Sunday with the Grundys

Stir-up Sunday has generally been an Archer thing.

But I suppose we’re being tuned into eavesdrop on the Grundys as the Archer’s is now about our last memory of Phil.

So, we get to hear Clarrie, Nic, Mia, Jake and George (to a background of Jingle Bell Rocks).

But it’s all new to Nic.

[Nic] “Didn’t you say it was something to do with the church?”

[Jake] “Do they have Christmas pudding in the bible?”

[Clarrie] “No darling, it’s just the collect for this Sunday, ‘Stir up, we beseech thee, O Lord, the wills of thy faithful people’ … then some children go hold of it, so Jill told me … ‘stir up, we beseech thee, the pudding in the pot, and when we get home we’ll eat the lot’ ”

This then started the kids on Shepherds washing their sock by night …

[Mia] “why didn’t their mummy put them in the washing machine?”

Tony thinks Pat is mad

Pat is still being distant with Tony.

He thinks it’s about the rebranding. Pat is just about to tell him, but Lynda interrupts while on her Christmas around the World mission to get local produce.

Later on:

[Pat] “It’s something Susan said … you know Kylie came to Ivy’s funeral … she stayed with Susan … she told me Kylie has a brother, Sharon’s son, and he's 13, which means he was born in 1998”

[Tony] “So?”

[Pat] “Oh Tony! Think about it. What if … I think he might be John’s son”

[Tony] “What? John’s Son? No, that’s impossible … surely this boy is her husband’s child”

[Pat] “Look at the dates”

[Tony] “This madness. Please Pat”

As Pat explains, Hayley spilt up with John just before Christmas 1997, because she caught John and Sharon In flagrante delicto.

Tony maintains that it can’t be so. Sharon was at John’s funeral in March, and she didn’t look  pregnant. He reckons Sharon would have said something.

[Pat] “We didn’t exactly open her with open arms. It’s perfectly possible”

[Tony] “Many things are possible but it’s highly unlikely. I really don't think you should pursue it any further. It’s bound to end in disappointment.”

[Pat] “John could have a son!”

[Tony] “I just don’t think you should revisit all that. John’s death. Well, what it did to you”

[Pat] “This isn't about John’s death.”

[Tony] “It’s about John, isn’t it, you so want it to be true. Oh Pat, for your own piece of mind, let it go”

Difficult one.

Pat is basing a lot on nothing – and Tony is quite right that this could drag her back into being depressed.

But, if there’s even a slight chance, surely they should at least ask?

Or, should they keep quiet, considering Sharon hasn’t thought to tell them anything herself?

The Archers Friday 18th November 2011: Pat does sums with Kathy

• David says no to Brian
• Lynda’s busy changing her plans
• Brian’s worried about public opinion
• Borchester already has its Christmas lights up
• Pat reveals her theory about John’s son
• Bert came 5th at Lakey Hill
• Ruth’s making pizza
• Brookfield gets a foot in the door

David says no to Brian

David’s on his way out to tell Brian that Brookfield won’t be supplying crop for the Super Dairy.

[Ruth] “What, that we’re not going to grow crops for his cynical, disgusting, immoral, intensive dairy unit!”

[David] “Well, I’ll probably out it a bit more tactful than that”

[Ruth] “He won’t respect you for it”

When David tells Brian, he does go gentle. He tells Brian that they don’t want to be tied to a long term contract, as well as their commitment to their way of dairy farming.

It was probably better David told Brian rather than Ruth – especially as he is NFU president.


Brian’s worried about public opinion

Brian always has his eye on PR – though it’s more out of ensuring profitability than giving a damn about what people think of him.

[Brian] “Our main is the strength of any local opposition. There’s so much hysterical nonsense being peddled in the media these day … bionic farms, Frankenstein cows you know the sort of thing”

David reckons there are also “reasoned arguments” against Super Dairies, but Brian isn’t interested in those debates. He asks David to sound out opinion of NFU members.

[David] “I think you’re right. You could end up with a fight on your hands”

I’ve said it before – but wait until Lynda hears about this one! Fury and posters, methinks.

Lynda’s busy changing her plans

Well, her “masterplan”, in Lynda’s own words.

She’s working out the food for Christmas around the World – which is set to take play on 28th December.

Four courses (starter, main, pudding and cheese), which will be serves as bite sized portions between the stage entertainment. When nothing is happening on the stage, they’ll play CDs of carols from around the world.

Lynda has roped Kathy in to help make the food (they’ll pre-done a lot of it and freeze it), and is also trying to track down Freda.

Lynda will be kept extra busy with having to change all the advertising and publicity for the show.
Here’s hoping it all shifts a few more tickets.


Borchester already has its Christmas lights up

Seems Nic and Will’s kids were off to see them.

And Ambridge’s will also be up soon.

*sigh*

Far too early, in my humble opinion.


Pat reveals her theory about John’s son

Or, who she thinks is John’s son.

She’s round to see Kathy. Seems she can’t cope just mulling it all round in her own head.

[Pat] “You’ll think this is totally crazy. It started because I went to Ivy Horrobin’s funeral. You know Sharon’s daughter, Sharon Richards … well, you know she came down for the funeral … well, apparently she’s got a younger brother …

“the boy’s called Rich, he's a teenager … this is the crazy bit … do you remember in 1997, a few months before John does, Sharon came back to the village, she didn’t waste any time of course, she and John had a fling”

[Kathy] “Yes, while he was supposed to be going out with Hayley”

[Pat] “Well, according to Susan, Rich is 13 now, and Sharon moved away again after Christmas that year, so if you do the sums … I don’t know, but according to the dates, it’s just possible this boy could be John’s son”

[Kathy] “Oh Pat, but why … the boy must be Eamonn’s. You’re no reason at all to think he might be John’s”

[Pat] “Yeah, I suppose you’re right, and as said it’s all pretty mad”

[Kathy] “It is a crazy idea. It’s so unlikely. The best thing you can do is forget all about it”

[Pat] “Yes. You’re right. I must”

So Kathy gives Pat more wine, and tells her about how Jamie has just done his maths resit and is working really hard again at his school work. That’s why he’s been so quiet.

But Pat isn’t listening. Nor is she interested in Kathy having seen a “perky” Harry back in the village, after his visit to Poland to see Zofia.

[Kathy] “You can’t let it go, can you? … so let’s go through it again. Calmly and rationally”

[Pat] “The dates do work out Kathy,. That’s the trouble”

[Kathy] “So let’s say, for the sake of argument, in their there’s a chance it could be John’s … but far far more likely to be Eamonn’s … so why even think about it. It’s not going to lead anywhere. Only to place you don’t want to go”

[Pat] “You’re absolutely right. It’s a ridiculous idea … on someone who prides themselves on being clear headed and logical, it’s all rather sad and pathetic isn’t it .. thanks Lathy, I do feel much clearer about it now”

How many of us think that will be the last we’ll be hearing of Pat’s theory?


Bert came 5th at Lakey Hill

Seems something went wrong with his tractor.

Poor Bert.


Ruth’s making pizza

Again.


Brookfield gets a foot in the door

Ruth has finally made progress in Brookfield trying to secure a direct contract for their milk.

A Dairy processor has asked them to pitch.

[Ruth] “We’ve got a fantastic product. How can they possibly turn us down?”

I wonder. If they don’t get a milk contract soon, will Brian’s offer for Brookfield to supply the Super Dairy will become more attractive … actually, could become a necessity.

The Archers Monday 14th November 2011: John Archer, a dad?

• Derek Fletcher is being inappropriate. Again.
• Lynda isn’t inspirational
• Two heads are better than one
• The analysis of Peggy’s birthday lunch
• Susan stepping into Ivy’s shoes
• Caroline saves Christmas
• Pat’s counting back 13 years …

Derek Fletcher is being inappropriate. Again.

[Lynda] “No. No Derek. I’m not questioning your talent or your ability to entertain. It would just be quite inappropriate … that has to be my final answer”

Lynda comes off the phone as Caroline walks up (looks like Lynda is working on Christmas around the World while at work. Cheeky)

[Lynda] “That was Derek Fletcher. He wants to be a Chinese magician”

[Caroline, confused] “He does?”

[Lynda] “Yes. For Christmas around the world. I mean, can you imagine it, Derek, dressed up in a pigtail and a dressing gown and pulling handkerchiefs out of a top hat”

[Caroline] “Well, it’s hardly original I suppose”

[Lynda] “Well it’s not just that. Supposing you were a person of Chinese extraction sitting in the audience … Caroline, this show is meant to be pay tribute to the rich diversity of international culture, not poke fun at crude national stereotypes. Just try explaining that to Derek Fletcher … he was quite rude on the phone. Even accused me of favouritism!”

And poor Lynda starts crying.


Lynda isn’t inspirational

[Lynda] “I was hoping to tap the talent of the local community, but it’s just not happening … this show just hasn’t inspired people the way my productions normally do”

It’s because it’s not a panto, Lynda. It’s not a panto!

Why try something different at a time of year when we all tend to like traditional stuff that makes us feel a bit warm and fuzzy? Even if it is generally obvious and clichéd.


Two heads are better than one

According to Tom.

[Tom] “Two heads, you know. Especially when the other one’s Brenda”

Hmmm. That’s questionable.

But Pat and Tony seems happy enough to leave them to it. They’re off to visit a brand guru to sort out Bridge Farm’s rebrand to Ambridge Organics.

Which is a surprise, considering what Tom’s been like to date.

Mind you, he did point out the obvious to Pat about making more of their Christmas pudding ice cream at this time of year … so maybe Pat and Tony do need Tom and Brenda to state the obvious to them.


The analysis of Peggy’s birthday lunch

[Tom] “It was fine mum. I mean there was no actual violence. And gran seemed to have a great time, that’s all that matters”

Indeedy.


Susan stepping into Ivy’s shoes

Seems Susan is still doing Bert and Gary’s cooking.

That doesn’t please Neil. Susan reckons they’re both still mourning, but so is Susan.

Neil then saw Gary out feeding the ducks. And reckons that if he has time to feed the ducks:

[Neil] “Can’t he at least do something to feed him and Bert?”

Neil is worried about Gary and Bert becoming as dependent on Susan as they had been on Ivy.

And so far, she’s giving them every reason to be.


Caroline saves Christmas

(well, The Christmas Show is all Caroline saved. Technically)

Still distraught over her increasingly alarm that Christmas around the World will be rubbish, Lynda is trying all sorts:

[Lynda] “I thought some vigorous exercise might be good for my soul”

(blimey – what a picture that paints!)

But hurrah for Caroline!

She suggests food. To have food from around the world – as a sort of smorgasbord – and make the concert into more of a camembert. With wee tables rather than theatre style.

[Lynda] “You’ve unblocked my creative flow!”

Lynda starts wittering on about turkey and cranberry bites, sauerkraut and sausages, samosas, spring rolls and:

[Lynda] “A wonderful Norwegian recipe for little Christmas sausages”

Which she ropes Tom into making.

Lynda takes Caroline’s suggestion one step further. That the performers can sit with the audience and eat, to create a relaxed ambiance.

[Lynda, to Caroline] “It was sheer inspiration. You have saved our Christmas show!”

Pat’s counting back 13 years …

Pat was making a point of saying to Susan that she’d really enjoyed meeting Kylie.

As they’re chatting about how nice Kylie is, Susan mentioned that Kylie has a brother. Who is a teenager.

Pat’s surprised to hear that (Kylie hadn’t mentioned her brother Rick). And her ears particularly seemed to prick up at the mention of his age.

She later corners Susan to ask a bit more.

[Pat] “And Kylie’s brother Rich, you say he’s a teenager … 13? …right?”

So.

John Archer died 25th February 1998.

John has always had a thing for Sharon, even before he’d been seeing Hayley. He cheated on Hayley with Sharon.

And not long after all of that, John died.

So.

John died 13 years ago. Rich is 13.

John = Rich’s dad?

Certainly seems to be what Pat is thinking.

Odds on for John to be exhumed before Christmas?

The Archers Friday 28th October 2011: Helen’s butch ice cream

(I kid you not)

• Adam’s not for changing
• Lynda bores Ian
• Helen has the answer for Bridge Farm

Adam’s not for changing

Debbie’s on the phone to Adam asking how his visit to a Super Dairy went.

It’s a smaller one than Brian and Debbie want, and while Adam reckons it was a slick operation, that the cows looked well enough looked after and that hygiene (and the such) was fine:

[Adam] “My basic philosophical objection remains the same”

[Debbie] “You like to see cows outside. In the few months of the year that’s possible in the UK …”

[Adam] “The cows aren’t in at Brookfield yet”

[Debbie] “Oh the Brookfield grazing system is hardly representative!”

(actually, Debbie, a lot of the cows round our way are also still out and about)

Adam really isn’t convinced by any of Debbie or Brian’s arguments. He’s not happy about the principle, the economics or how he fits into the whole plan (he actually reckons he isn’t being given a proper place in this scheme).

[Adam] “If you and Brian had hoped for some Damascene conversion that was going to bring me round the
idea then bad luck”

Seems Debbie has been dreaming profit per cow versus profit per square foot – which doesn’t impress Adam.

Neither does her offer of releasing 100 acres back to Home Farm for Adam to use as he likes. He just sees that as an empty gesture to keep him quiet.

He’s more worried about Home Farm basically becoming a junior partner to Borchester Land.

[Adam] “You’ve worked for BL long enough to know how often there’s blood on the carpet after Board meetings”

But Debbie’s patience is wearing thin. She pushes Adam to take the land or not – then later seems to be siding with Brian that Adam is being unreasonable in face of what is a really good deal for Home Farm.

[Brian] “It’s all I can do not to strangle him half the time”

So Debbie has failed to convince – it’s over to Brian.

Adam is sure to respond to Brian … (!)


Lynda bores Ian

Lynda’s trapped Ian while he waits for Helen.

He actually seemed quite scared by her talk of Christmas around the World.

It was seem, according to Lynda, that Angela Probert has indeed agreed for her dancing kids to do “festive folk dances from around the world”. And Elona’s daughter Anna will do a guitar solo.

Though Anna’s offer to play Greensleeves did not go down well with Lynda. She felt it wasn’t very Albanian …

[Ian – out loud] “Come on Helen …”

[Lynda] “After all this isn’t some end of the pier variety show!”

Lynda says she still has hopes for Usha to take part, and:

[Lynda ] “Molly Button has surfaced!”

[Ian], not sounding desperate] “Bright as a button, eh”

[Lynda] “She and Tilly are going to do the tie coconut dance … so gradually we’re starting to reach beyond the confines of the British Isles … just required some lateral thinking”

Lynda asks Ian if she should ask Adam to do something, considering he’s spent time in Africa, but Helen arrives to save Ian (and Adam) in the nick of time.

Blimey.

I actually thought Lynda was going to push our Ian into being abrupt … or rude!


Helen has the answer for Bridge Farm

Helen’s caught in the middle between Tom and their folks.

Talking to Ian about it, she can see Tom’s reasoning about rebranding everything away from the Bridge Farm brand, but:

[Helen] “Tom’s been using it as a weapon to beat mum and dad with …I mean Tom Archer may sound alright on sausages, but for yoghurt and ice cream, that’s just too butch somehow”

[Ian] “Butch ice cream? I think you may have identified a niche market there”

As Ian suggests to Helen, she is also put out that Tom is pushing for everything to be called Tom.

[Helen] “It does feel like a takeover by Tom”

Seems Helen would like to be able to talk it all over with the “best person to ask”, but she can’t. Why on earth either of them thinks Brenda would be of any use, I do not know …

And then, during a rather shocking moment when Helen lets Henry have a wee bit of cake rather than yoghurt.

(still can’t get over the change in Helen), Ian and Helen come up with a blinder of an idea.

Why not move the brand onto the next generation, and call everything Henry’s?

I can actually see Tony and Pat maybe going for that (though they would still be devastated to lose the Bridge Farm brand they spent decades building), but Tom …. surely he wouldn’t go for it.

His ego just wouldn’t allow it.

The Archers Thursday 27th October 2011: Christine sees Clive

• Ploughing or Clive?
• Emma still worried about hereditary traits
• Jim’s definitely in …
• Angela Probert – Lynda’s savior
• Emma, a bit uptight?
• Jim leading Christine astray
• When Christine spotted Clive
• Bert comes second

Ploughing or Clive?

Looks like Emma and Ed would choose a ploughing competition every time.

They’ve sneaked George off to the competition, rather than let Clive take George bowling.

It seems Neil told Clive he wasn’t taking George out because Susan was to. That says something – a sister scared of her own brother.

But not to worry too much. George seems to be having a ball learning about ploughing.

Seems to have to get the “opening split”, the first cut, right to be sure that the rest of your ploughing will follow right. Emma is impressed by Ed’s knowledge of “old fashioned ploughing”, though Bert is happy to chat – he also has a match to win …


Emma still worried about hereditary traits

Emma’s just as scared of Clive as Susan is. She’s worried Clive won’t take any heed to Neil telling him to stay away from her and George.

[Emma] “Well you don’t turn into an arsonist and armed robber by listening to what people say!”

[Ed] “Clive’s a sicko. A one off”

Nature versus nurture?

I reckon Ed’s right. There must be a slim chance of George turning into a mini-Clive.


Jim’s definitely in …

… Christmas around the World.

Lynda wants his “Roman offering” (well, I suppose she’s had little to choose from).

When Christine asks Jim if he’s doing it in Latin or English – Jim reckons he has an idea (that Lynda also likes) that will solve the problem, but he won’t say what it is.


Angela Probert – Lynda’s savior

(not sure if it’s Probit or Probert)

Seems this Angela runs a dance school in Felpersham – so her and her kids might save Christmas Around the World.

[Jim] “Oh dear. Children and animals. It makes you long for the days of ancient Rome … they know how to celebrate a feast day … a few criminals thrown to the lions, a break for honey cake and wine, then back for gladiatorial combat .. o tempora o mores!”

Emma, a bit uptight?

Surely not (!).

David and Ruth are also at the ploughing match (to cheer Bert on, I’d imagine). George excitedly says to them:

[George] “Have you heard my news? My dad is getting married … Nic’s got a diamond ring!”

You could actually hear Emma seething in the background.

When David and Ruth are later chatting about it:

[David] “Is it just me, or did Emma seems a bit uptight?”

David though it might be because of Clive and Ivy, but Ruth spotted it was when Ge0rge mentioned Nic and Will getting married.

[Ruth] “Did you see her face? She’s not very pleased … I’ve a feeling Emma’s fine as long as she’s the centre of attention in her family, and that’s not going to happen for the next few months”

Jim leading Christine astray

[Christine] “I’m still not quite sure how I let you talk me into this Jim”

[Jim] “Good heavens Christine. You’ve made it sound as though I’ve invited you to participate in something truly sinful, It’s only lunch at The Bull!”

Christine reckons her problem is that Jim is taking her out for lunch too much. She wants to go Dutch.

[Jim] “I’m only doing what would come naturally to any gentlemen. Especially to one whose central heating has broke down …”

So they agree to split the bills.

Wonder if Christine is just still worried about what the neighbours will think …


When Christine spotted Clive

She’s understandably very shaken.

Although it was only a few seconds in real Ambridge time (seemed to take minutes in Ambridge Extra when Clive was muttering to himself), and Clive didn’t approach her and Jim.

[Jim] “And he walked away Christine. He clearly doesn’t want to see you anymore than you want to see him … oh my dear. You’re shaking … let’s get you home”

Had to happen sooner or later. At least our Gentleman Jim was on hand.


Bert comes second

Seems some bloke called Vernon Giddings won – he’s the new Jimmy Prentice (always pipping Bert to the post). Bert reckons it’s something to do with Vernon’s lucky horseshoe giving him the edge – it’s one Vernon found when he ploughed his first ever field at the age of 16.

What or who could be Bert’s lucky charm?

The Archers Wednesday 26th October 2011: Christmas around the World auditions

• I’d pick grapes for a box of wine
• X Factor in Ambridge!
• Tony’s not letting go
• Tom is back to being smug
• Rhys is a bit over enthusiastic
• It’s fine. Ambridge is English
• You can depend on Ian

I’d pick grapes for a box of wine

As Mike and Vicky did at Lower Loxley.

Sounds like a fair deal indeed.


X Factor in Ambridge!

No, not really.

Vicky and Lynda at the auditions, but no-one else is.

Rhys turns up and makes the X Factor joke:

[Rhys] “I thought it’d be like the X Factor”

(!)

After three hours, they only had Jazzer and Rhys (with his Dylan Thomas).

Lynda is distraught.

[Lynda] “Christmas around the World … It’s supposed to be a dazzling visual and oral display of internationalism. Instead of that, we’ve got a halfhearted trek around the British Isles and nothing from other countries!

“I despair, the world’s supposed to be shrinking, but in Ambridge, where’s the colour, the glamour the exoticism”

Vicky half heatedly suggests Hilary Noakes and her cockatoo (you could feel Lynda’s icy glare to that one through the radio!)


Tony’s not letting go

Of the bad feeling he has about Brian and Jennifer (after his argument with Jennifer).

Seems Brian’s mart is irritating Tony. It’s blocking up the roads before it’s even opened:

[Tony] “Typical of him… pretending it’s for everyone’s benefit, when really it's about him making a quick buck, disrupting the lives of decent hardworking farmers, utterly selfish, never a thought for anyone else”

Tom is back to being smug

Seems Dave Langdon called and wants to take sausages again from Tom.

And what prompted him to do so?

[Tom] “Dave said the pig video really made him laugh … dad, it proves it, my rebrand is working!”

As Tom has had other new orders, he reckons he’s been proved right – so that now absolutely everything should be under the Tom Archer brand.

[Tony] “You’re not changing my mind! I’m not chucking away all the hard work you mother and I have put into building up Bridge Farm, just because Dave Langon’s got nothing better to do than watch pigs playing football. No. And that’s final!”

Oo-er. Very angry Tony there indeed.


Rhys is a bit over enthusiastic

About being told he’s got in to Christmas around the World.

(well, they didn’t have much to choose from, did they?)

[Rhys] “Dylan would be so proud. I’d bet he’d want to come as well!”

Eh?


It’s fine. Ambridge is English

Lynda isn’t too worried about the lack of international flare to Christmas around the World.

After all:

[Lynda] “But when all is said and done, Ambridge is quintessentially an English village”

Did I miss something?

Hasn’t Lynda only so far got a Scot doing Burns and a Welshman doing Dylan Thomas?

British – yes, but not exactly cricket on a summer day …

But with a gasp – Lynda also remembers that Leonie (and James) will be expecting great things from the show. Will Jazzer and Rhys be enough for their tome?

[Vicky] “Hand on, I’d had a swig of me wine now I’ve got me brain in gear”

 
And Vicky does indeed some up trumps!

She reckons Ambridge is international. What with Usha, Elona and Amy being residents.

(erm – wasn’t Amy born in England? Maybe that doesn’t count in Vicky’s world …)

So the day is saved. Or, it’s saved in theory – they’ll still have to persuade more folks to take part.

[Vicky] “We don’t do despair when I’m around”

You can depend on Ian

Pat does sound happy for Tom that he’s getting more orders – but she firmly agrees with Tony that they’ll not be rebranding. They’ll instead keep building confidence in the Bridge Farm brand.

And they are getting somewhere. Ian’s starting taking their stock again (ah – bless that Ian).

Tom poo-poos Ian’s order. And out loud wishes that Tony and Pat hadn’t managed to get a mortgage payment extension, nor a loan from Lilian.

[Tom] “You’ve gone all soft on it again”

What a twit!