Blindfolds, bells and bladders: Tues 18.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Tuesday 18 December 2012

• The Axeman cometh
• Neil needs Ruth to be subtle
• Kenton and Jill go all James Bond
• Susan and Neil gorge
• Tracey only has herself to blame?
• Weddings it is
• Did we do stir up Sunday?
• Jill is ashamed to know Morris Dancers

The Axeman cometh

Jim’s no a happy chappy

The new Borchester Life magazine is out, featuring Jim’s interview with Mike.

[Jim] “I shall never be able to show my face in Ambridge again!”

[Jazzer] “What’s he doing with that naff woolly. He looks like a right Jessie.”

(Mike did try and tell Vicky that’s what his mates would say)

Seems the editors have cut down Jim’s article to the point where it’s nothing like the original. Worse still, they cut it AND ruined it.

[Jazzer] “You’re an interesting bloke Jim, hut you can go on a bit. Sometimes less is mair … who really wants to read a lot about Mike Tucker?”

But Jim’s not to be placated.

He reckons they’ve dummed it down. And is horrified that the article is now called: ‘The Axeman cometh’

[Jim] “Look at that apostrophe. They’ll think I'm illiterate … my lovely semi colons, all gone.”

[Jazzer] “Most people wouldn’t know a semi colon if it bit them.”

Jim and Jazzer adjourn to The Bull, where Jim is deeply in mourning. His article has been “cut short in its prime”.

[Jazzer] “As you can see, he’s taken it to heart. It’s the artist in him.”

Jazzer tries to comfort Jim by telling him that no-one reads Borchester Life anyhoo …


Neil needs Ruth to be subtle

That’ll be interesting.

Neil’s still worrying about Ed. He’s angry with himself for not having noticed that Ed was having such huge problems.

He also thinks Ed shouldn’t be hard on himself. As Neil said the other day, he also had problems when he first started out.

[Susan] “They were never down to sloppy paperwork.”

But Neil points out that Ed’s only ever been taught about stock. Why would he know how to manage a business?

So he needs Ruth to help out.

But subtly.

Hmmmm.


Kenton and Jill go all James Bond

Kenton is the chap behind the guerrilla stickering.

(surprise!)

He’s got Jill roped into helping him – but it all has to be very cloak and dagger. Kenton reckons it’s more fun that way.

And Jill does seem to be enjoying it. She even suggests she puts a candle in her window to let Kenton know the coast is clear for visiting her after Elizabeth has been … but as Kenton points out, he can just check if Elizabeth’s car is gone. 


Susan and Neil gorge

While being distressed about Emma.

[Neil] “A daughter of mine starving herself to feed her own kids.”

Neil and Susan seemed to be eating for hours while they talked.

How ironic.


Tracey only has herself to blame?

Word has filtered through from Ambridge Extra that Tracey has lost her job.

Susan reckons she’s just unlucky.

Neil reckons she’s her own worst enemy.

A bit of both, I reckons.

That snotty teacher didn’t help matters much.


Weddings it is

Elizabeth visited a place called Barefield Manor, who have already created accommodation for weddings, as Elizabeth intends to do.

Seems they’ve gone from 15 to 35 weddings in a year. The jump in numbers is down to folks being able to drink at the wedding, then inly have a short stagger to their bed.

This might just be me – but is an extra 20 weddings a year worth a £70,000 + loan?

Seems like a small, and very slow, return.


Did we do stir up Sunday?

I don’t think so. It just came to me that I don’t remember a mention of Stir Up Sunday in Ambridge.

Wasn’t it on 25th November?

How sad, if it has been dropped as an Ambridge tradition.


Jill is ashamed to know Morris Dancers

Kenton needs Jill to get him extra mince pies, blindfolds, bells that go round people’s ankles and pig’s bladders.

The mice pies and blindfolds are no problem (I really don’t want to know why Jill has multiple blindfold type things to hand …)

For the bells:

[Jill] “Why don’t you ask some Morris dancers?”

[Kenton] “I don’t know any. I bet you do.”

[Jill] “Why should I … oh well yes …”

Seems Jill knows the Edgley troop that did a demo for the WI.

Why Pig’s bladders?

[Kenton] “Blown up to bop people on the head with.”

Of course!

Jill suggests Kenton ask or Neil.

But then has the brainwave that Kenton could just use balloons on sticks.

What fun!

The Archers Sunday 20th November 2011: Stir-up Sunday

(with the Grundys rather than the Archers)

• You can’t even use the kids as an excuse
• It’s Eddie and Clarrie’s 30th tomorrow
• Stir-Up Sunday with the Grundys
• Tony thinks Pat is mad

You can’t even use the kids as an excuse

Lynda really has thought of a way to kibosh every possible excuse anyone could give for not going to Christmas around the World.

Will was caught out.

[Will] “There didn’t seem to be much in it for the kids”

[Lynda] “I know, which is why … I recognised rather later in the day that my original concept was somewhat lacking in appeal so I’ve had a radical rethink, and I think you’ll find this version infinitely to your … taste … quite literal.ly, because it’s going to be a feast … of food …interspersed with morsels of entertainment”

Will seemed to perk up at the sound of food. Especially as it’s the lovely Ian who will be cooking it.

Later, Lynda corners Pat and Tony to ask them for cheese (at cost, not free).

But – December 28th might clash with Will’s stag night.

Aw. That would be a shame.


It’s Eddie and Clarrie’s 30th tomorrow

And they’re off round The Bull.

But – they don’t know that Nic and Will have plans for them …


Stir-Up Sunday with the Grundys

Stir-up Sunday has generally been an Archer thing.

But I suppose we’re being tuned into eavesdrop on the Grundys as the Archer’s is now about our last memory of Phil.

So, we get to hear Clarrie, Nic, Mia, Jake and George (to a background of Jingle Bell Rocks).

But it’s all new to Nic.

[Nic] “Didn’t you say it was something to do with the church?”

[Jake] “Do they have Christmas pudding in the bible?”

[Clarrie] “No darling, it’s just the collect for this Sunday, ‘Stir up, we beseech thee, O Lord, the wills of thy faithful people’ … then some children go hold of it, so Jill told me … ‘stir up, we beseech thee, the pudding in the pot, and when we get home we’ll eat the lot’ ”

This then started the kids on Shepherds washing their sock by night …

[Mia] “why didn’t their mummy put them in the washing machine?”

Tony thinks Pat is mad

Pat is still being distant with Tony.

He thinks it’s about the rebranding. Pat is just about to tell him, but Lynda interrupts while on her Christmas around the World mission to get local produce.

Later on:

[Pat] “It’s something Susan said … you know Kylie came to Ivy’s funeral … she stayed with Susan … she told me Kylie has a brother, Sharon’s son, and he's 13, which means he was born in 1998”

[Tony] “So?”

[Pat] “Oh Tony! Think about it. What if … I think he might be John’s son”

[Tony] “What? John’s Son? No, that’s impossible … surely this boy is her husband’s child”

[Pat] “Look at the dates”

[Tony] “This madness. Please Pat”

As Pat explains, Hayley spilt up with John just before Christmas 1997, because she caught John and Sharon In flagrante delicto.

Tony maintains that it can’t be so. Sharon was at John’s funeral in March, and she didn’t look  pregnant. He reckons Sharon would have said something.

[Pat] “We didn’t exactly open her with open arms. It’s perfectly possible”

[Tony] “Many things are possible but it’s highly unlikely. I really don't think you should pursue it any further. It’s bound to end in disappointment.”

[Pat] “John could have a son!”

[Tony] “I just don’t think you should revisit all that. John’s death. Well, what it did to you”

[Pat] “This isn't about John’s death.”

[Tony] “It’s about John, isn’t it, you so want it to be true. Oh Pat, for your own piece of mind, let it go”

Difficult one.

Pat is basing a lot on nothing – and Tony is quite right that this could drag her back into being depressed.

But, if there’s even a slight chance, surely they should at least ask?

Or, should they keep quiet, considering Sharon hasn’t thought to tell them anything herself?

The Archers Sun 21st Nov 2010: Stir-up Sunday

The Archers: Helen is working … Kathy’s drunk herself asleep … Freddie is a bit dim … Jill is thinking of Phil

• Helen’s spreading
• I’d never heard of Mrs Miniver
• Kathy’s round again
• Poor Freddie isn’t the brightest spark
• “Do you remember last year, when granddad helped us?”
• The heifer is ready for AI
• Tony won’t listen
• Neither will Helen

Helen’s spreading

After trying to first work off those crusty bits (round the edge of the pie dish), Helen’s idea of spreading the workload (to take things easier, as everyone is nagging her to do) is to do a stocktake. On a Sunday.

*sigh*

[Pat] “Tony – you don’t feel this is a good idea?”

[Tony] “Well, you know what I think”

Helen has also decided that she’s going to work up to 2 weeks before her due date.

But all Tony can think to do is ask if Helen has a coat to wear back to the shop.

He’s still not accepting that Helen decided to have her baby by herself.

But, from the way Helen’s behaving, I somehow think Tony will have to step up to help, whether he likes the situation or not.


I’d never heard of Mrs Miniver

But it’s seemingly a classic that won 6 Oscars.


Kathy’s round again

So Tony’s off out to work rather than have to sit and listen to her moaning.

He later complained that she canned a while bottle of red wine.

Well, at least that made her fall asleep!



Poor Freddie isn’t the brightest spark

We’d know that for a while now, but Freddie’s lack of academic prowess is now proving to potentially block Elizabeth’s and Nigel’s plans for his education.

[Nigel] “Have to have a think about Freddie … he won’t pass the entrance exam”

[Elizabeth] “Such a shame it is all about this exam – such a sweet child”

Well and truly putting his nose up at the thought of Freddie having to go to Borchester Green if he fails the entrance exams, Nigel’s determined to make sure Freddie doesn’t fail in the first place.

[Elizabeth] “Why are you being so pessimistic?”

[Nigel] “I’m trying to be realistic … Freddie will have to work with Rosemary over Christmas”

[Elizabeth] “A fun maths lesson is hardly as fun as a snowball fight!”

Indeed Elizabeth!

And wait until Lilly finds out that she has to suffer maths throughout Christmas along with Freddie.


“Do you remember last year, when granddad helped us?”

As Elizabeth gets her two ready to go to Jill’s for their traditional Stir-up Sunday, he points out that his family missed out on such homely traditions:

[Nigel] “The only thing my mother ever stirred up was trouble”

For us Ambridge Eavesdroppers, Stir-up Sunday now also holds a special significance, as it was the last time we heard Phil Archer speak.

A poignant day, but one still enjoyed by the family.

[Jill] “Do you remember last year, when granddad helped us? He found a sixpence with the year of his birth … we’ll put it in the pudding today … and every year”

Later on, as everyone makes their wish as they stir (wee Freddie was the slowest, bless him):

[Elizabeth] “I can expect you can guess what my wish is, mum”

[Jill] “Yes, it’s probably the same as mine”

Aw. Gone but very much not forgotten, is our Phil.

And at least Freddie had fun:

[Freddie] “Grandma let me lick the bowl”

[Nigel] “ Was it nice?”

[Freddie] “well, I felt a bit sick after …”

The heifer is ready for AI

Do you think Pat will make sure Tony checks the heifer is okay with being made pregnant again? She should, what with all her feminist principles. And considering that the heifer seemed to having quite a nice time with another heifer …

Or will Tony give the heifer a hard time for having a calf sans bull? I think not …



Tony won’t listen

Amongst the heifer-on-heifer action, Pat tries to talk to Tony about Helen. But he’s just not interested.

[Pat] “I just wish I could get her to talk honestly about how she feels inside … she’s always got this brittle shell on”

As Tony tries to wander off again, he comes out with:

[Tony] “Come on Pat! Helen’s done this whole baby thing exactly as she wanted. She hasn’t listened to a word of sense from anyone. “What on earth makes you think she’ll start now!?!”

Neither will Helen

Pat calls Helen to check she’s okay. She’s found still in the shop, still doing the stock take, at 8pm (on a Sunday).

Helene seemingly had an idea about how to recognise the spices, but it didn’t work, so had to put them back again.

As Pat starts to work herself up into a rant, but Helen basically hangs up on her.

I’m telling you. Force Helen into a small room with all her nearest and dearest, and don’t let her out until she sees sense.

Otherwise … we’re heading for yet another Helen disaster.