- Elona’s moving into No. 3
- All’s well with the Mart
- Harry is off to Poland
- Knickers in John’s bed
- Tony still isn’t being nice
- Kylie calls
- Jennifer’s dysfunctional family
- Falls to Lilian
Elona’s moving into No. 3
Let’s see if she does turn out to be a good ‘un …
But I am still hoping her teenage daughters play loud music to keep Tom up at night …
All’s well with the Mart
I was very worried about those electrics (!)
Harry is off to Poland
To see Zofia.
Not that we hear it from the man himself. It’s Susan, back gossiping (but obviously still very sad) at the village shop.
Knickers in John’s bed
Susan mentions Kylie and Sharon to Lilian, who takes a while to remember them. Then:
[Lilian] “Oh Sharon! The one who left her knickers in John’s bed … family legend!”
Tony still isn’t being nice
Jennifer bumps into Tony, and gives him a brace of pheasants (which she’d been intending to take to him anyway at Bridge Farm).
But, he’s not very forthcoming with gratitude. In fact, he’s downright rude to her.
Very similar to the way Helen behaved to him in the exact same spot (outside the village shop) before Henry was born.
Must run in that part of the family – not being able to forgive and forget.
To rub salt into the wounds:
[Tony]”I expect you’ve seen Tom’s pig video on the internet, it’s been a huge success, getting thousands of hits … it all shows what you can do, how much you can achieve when the family works together to help each other out”
Tony! That’s shocking behaviour!
As if any of what you said was true – and it was hurtful enough to send Jennifer off very upset.
Enough already. You should have known not to expect much of Jennifer anyway when it comes to money – and she is your sister.
Kylie calls
She sounds alright.
Kylie was calling Susan to sort out her coming down for the funeral. As Kylie is coming down from Lancaster, she’ll need to stay overnight.
She was going to ask her granddad, but wasn’t sure if there would be room – and, of course, Susan offers her a room at hers.
Which is all fine and good.
So – nature or nurture?
Will Kylie be a good ‘un for real?
Jennifer’s dysfunctional family
That exchange with Tony has really hurt Jennifer.
She’s worried about her family not pulling together (as Tony claims his does).
Brian is rowing with Adam (well, Brian reckons it’s a “frank exchange of views”). Adam and Debbie are also rowing. And, Debbie is coming over this Friday but isn’t staying. Jennifer would have preferred her overnight so that they could have a family meal.
She brings up to Brian what Tony said:
[Jennifer] “How they’ve united in the face of adversity, while we’re all at each other’s throats”
Ah Jennifer, if only you knew. All you Archers – just the same when it comes down to it.
Falls to Lilian
Tony’s round at Lilian’s to talk about Peggy’s seating plan for her birthday lunch,.
Tony doesn’t want to sit next to Jennifer.
[Lilian] “Can’t we all try and behave like grown-ups, You’ve got my little loan to help you out, and it’s time to move on … If that what mum wants,. You’ll just have to deal with it darling”
But, Lilian is easily persuaded by Tony, so agrees to talk to Peggy. Without telling her that to9ny doesn’t want to sit next to Jennifer. So that she doesn’t have to explain what the fallout is about.
Ach well. A couple of gins first, and Lilian will wing it perfectly.
- Not a grand day out
- Daniel gets ice cream
- Now Tony is shouting at Tom
- “close encounters of the bovine kind”
- The Spice Boys
Not a grand day out
Jazzer isn’t having a good bank holiday.
First, his aftershave isn’t in the right place. Harry moved it.
(are Jazzer and Harry swapping personalities? Since when did Jazzer care about what was where – and since when did Harry not have everything in its right place?)
Then, some lady called Nicolette had a better offer than spending the day with Jazzer (on a double date with him, Harry and Zofia). How very dare she! Jazzer was offering a hedonistic day of an early beer, a meal then a band. I’d have gone.
Even worse, Jazzer had done to a lot of effort:
[Jazzer] “I put my new trainers on an all!”
So Jazzer is now gooseberry to Zofia and Harry.
But it isn’t all bad. Seemingly the band they’re going to see has a lady drummer with more than just drumming skills to admire:
[Jazzer] “… a chest you could stand your pint on”
Daniel gets ice cream
Daniel did well in his exams, so Shula gets him Bridge Farm ice cream to celebrate (and to support her brother).
Never mind Daniel. I’m sure the “large cheque" Reg and Bunty gave you made up for it.
Now Tony is shouting at Tom
Tom’s being a bit in Tony’s posterior.
He’s going on about the surplus Bridge Farm is producing
[Tony] “Well, if you’re just going to stand there and point out the obvious!”
Bridge Farm manage to get the local co-op to take half of the surplus, but the rest have to be composted. Which is a shame, as much as it is a waste.
So with a surplus they can’t shift, and ever less orders coming in, Tony reckons they’re going to have to try and get by on the milk cheque and what the co-op pays for vegetables.
Which is not a great situation. So he certainly doesn’t need Tom making even more trouble.
Seems a very angry Deli manager left a message at Bridge Farm. He was furious that Tom wasn’t “straight with him” when he called to sell him Bridge Farm products. After he’d spoken with Tom, he’d checked Bridge Farm on the internet so, surprise surprise, he found out about the E. coli, and now doesn’t ever want to hear from Bridge Farm again.
Oops.
It sends Tony off on a rant about how it proves that Tom and Brenda’s work to cold call and re-do the internet is a complete waste of time.
[Tony] “I just can’t believe how naive you’ve been. If you thought that all our problems could be solved by being economical with the truth, you couldn’t have been more wrong”
[Tom] “I haven’t been economical with the truth. And at least I’ve been proactive. Not just stuck my head in the sand waiting for it to blow over!”
[Tony] “No, you just thought you could get round it by pretending it never happened! The whole of the Bridge Farm brand is contaminated … it’s just not going to work”
Blimey.
Rebranding exercise, or does Tony mean they should just pack up completely?
“close encounters of the bovine kind”
Despite anticipation of the delights of the lady drummer, Jazzer’s day is getting bad again.
He’s being harassed by cows.
[Jazzer] “What’s it daein now, the cow, is it chasing me? I cannae look …”
[Harry] “It’s giving you the evils, does that count?”
Harry decided that they should walk to the pub, which has involved crossing a field with cows in it.
Though Jazzer works on farms, they doesn’t seem to be coping with these cows.
[Harry] “How does that make you qualified in bovine psychology?”
[Jazzer] “Cows can be vicious if you get on the wrang side of them”
[Harry] “What? If you support a different football team or disagree with their politics?”
[Jazzer] “You can take the mic, alright, but they’re moving here noo”
What’s more – Jazzer’s new trainers are not so new (or red) any more, after walking over the fields.
[Harry] “Another hazard of close encounters with the bovine kind”
That Harry, he’s a real wit.
Actually – he’s turning into a bit of an arse.
When they get to a kissing gate, he makes a play of having Zofia kiss him before she can get through.
That’s a bit unfair on Jazzer – he doesn’t need to see them slobbering over each other. He’s a third wheel today, and he also wanted Zofia.
The Spice Boys
So, to top it all, the band Jazzer wanted to see isn’t playing tonight. It’s karaoke instead.
Harry then signs Jazzer and himself up to sing. To The Spice Girls Wannabe. Which Harry and Jazzer are actually quite good at – and Jazzer certainly seems to enjoy, even though he’s worried about his reputation …
[Harry] “You came over really well as Scary McSpice”
- The lady didn’t love milk tray …
- Jazzer doesn’t want to cook
- An anchovy, is an anchovy, is an anchovy
- Harry’s standards are slipping
- New excuses for why Alice shouldn’t have married Chris
The lady didn’t love milk tray …
… she loved milk tray.
Didn’t matter to Harry, though. He still did a James Bond trying to get Zofia some apples. But, he came a cropper when he fell out of the tree.
Scrumping, that’s what we used to call it.
Jazzer doesn’t want to cook
Jazzer calls Harry:
[Jazzer] “Whit time will you be hame? … half an hour? … I’m starving!”
But, Jazzer is right enough this time. The deal was that he’d buy the food (which he has done), and Harry would cook it.
Zofia better watch out. No woman can get in the way of Jazzer’s stomach and get away with it.
Jazzer dies crack on with the cooking (I imagine that was the only way he was going to get to eat), but strikes gold when he calls Alice to ask how to make onion gravy, and gets Jennifer.
Learn from the best, my friend.
An anchovy, is an anchovy, is an anchovy
[Jennifer] “Economising is one thing, Alice, but you shouldn’t compromise where food is concerned … you really ought to stick with the quality brand names”
[Alice] “It’s the same food, in a different tin under a different name”
[Jennifer] “Well, how can you possibly tell? I can’t even pronounce what it says on this tin, let alone understand what’s inside?”
[Alice] “I think the picture is a bit of a giveaway … If it looks like an anchovy, and quacks like an anchovy, then it is an anchovy”
Jennifer has spotted ‘value brand’ products in Alice’s, as she’s helping to cook for a celebratory lunch 9wuth the Carters – after Chris got his business loan approved).
Jennifer is, as per, being a snob – but Susan mistakes her rant as Jennifer agreeing that buying value products, and shopping at much-cheapness shops is a good idea.
[Susan] “And your mum's isn’t the only 4x4 in the car park, either”
Poor Jennifer couldn’t get a word in to reassert her need for high value brands only …
She’s only later able to say to Brian:
[Jennifer] “Personally, I’d rather stick to Underwoods food hall”
Harry’s standards are slipping
He hasn’t lived up to his agreement with Jazzer about the cooking.
He eats his dinner, at the table, in his dressing gown.
And he tells Jazzer to leave the dishes until he gets back from a night out. Before, he would have insisted they were done there and then.
Changed man, is our Harry.
New excuses for why Alice shouldn’t have married Chris
Jennifer is now worried that Alice will lose her house if Chris’ business goes wrong. And, that would mean strangers could end up buying it, and living on Home Farm.
Imagine!
Brian reckons all will be well, and that he’ll step in to buy the house if need be.
But, Jennifer still wishes Alice has married someone else. Of better standing. Class, And bank account. Brian doesn’t agree – where Jennifer sees poverty, he sees drive, initiative and the sense 9of Chris) to not try and go cap in hand to him.
I’m with Brian.
Chris is a good ‘un.
- Trifle and paddling
- Who is the mystery fisherman?
- Fallon has lemon juice in her eye
- “We’re not going to warm my flat, we’re going to burn it down!”
- Harry only has eyes for Zofia
- Nic finds it easy to talk to Alice
- Ambridge jungle drums
- Jazzer realises Fallon likes Harry
Trifle and paddling
Will, Nic and the kids have a perfect day out next to the river.
[Will] “Well, it don’t get much more perfect than this. I could stay here forever”
But then – big scream from Mia.
Oh No!
What could the matter be?
Oh.
Really?
Just a crayfish (one assumes Mia saw in the river).
Which George wants to play with.
Who is the mystery fisherman?
The crayfish who did so terribly scare Mia is not of the native sort – so really shouldn’t be released back. Our native crayfish chaps are being decimated by large, American interlopers.
And of course, Will get to thinking that this could be the source of Kenton’s new found supply of crayfish for The Bull (you think???).
Will reckons that the trap Mia found the crayfish in was an amateur one, so whoever is ‘fishing’ them is doing so without a licence.
He’s all ready to blow the whistle (especially as it’s on Brian’s land), but Nic begs him not to. After all, she has to work at The Bull.
Ah, tis a fishy tale that’s being woven …
Fallon has lemon juice in her eye
And that’s even the drinking games at Rhys’ start.
In fact, she’s still at work in The Bull. And she doesn’t want to do the drinking games later on anyway.
[Rhys] “Oh don’t be such a girl”
Eh?
Isn’t that exactly what Fallon is?
“We’re not going to warm my flat, we’re going to burn it down!”
Party on, dude.
(ahem)
Harry only has eyes for Zofia
And keeps nipping away from Rhys and Jazzer, while they’re trying to playa drinking game at Rhys’ party, to hasten to Zofia's side. When he isn’t with Zofia, he becomes a bit distracted:
[Jazzer] “Jings, I reckon Zofia has made you deaf as well as stupid”
(Jings? I haven’t heard that uttered since Oor Wullie or The Broons)
[Jazzer] “I preferred it when it was just Harry and his pictures of men in lycra”
[Rhys] “You serious? A bit bi-curious, is he?”
Fallon clarifies that it’s a Tour de France [poster, but Jazzer reckons “case closed”.
[Rhys] “He seems pretty keen on women to me. Maybe he’ll let her play with his bicycle pump …”
Nic finds it easy to talk to Alice
Which she’s surprised about.
[Nic] “Always been a bit intimidated by those pony club girls”
Ambridge jungle drums
Nathan Booth told Fallon, who has now told Will, that bridge Farm’s dairy is open again.
So Will will now tell Eddie, who till tell Clarrie, who’ll be really upset to have not been told by Pat.
Jazzer realises Fallon likes Harry
The only took him 8 months to catch on!
Fallon’s moping that Harry is with Zofia. And also moping in general about her love life … well, lack of it.
[Fallon] “We’re cupid’s cast offs Jazzer … I’m sleeping on my own tonight. As usual”
Surprisingly, Jazzer doesn’t try it on.
He instead opts for Rhys’ sofa. Which is seemingly better than having to hear Harry and Zofia at it.
- Josh turning into Jamie?
- Willow Wands
- It’s not just about Trolls
- Caddisfly larvae, Crayfish and crush?
- It’s all Boules
- Ain’t no sunshine when he’s taken
- So Llamas need crooks?
- Hurrah! The Bull has new Specials!
- Fallon shouts at Kirsty
Josh turning into Jamie?
Josh isn’t looking forward to the school summer holidays. He’s already bored, and is complaining that there’s nothing to do in Ambridge.
He’s still in a grump about not being allowed to day off of school to go to the Borchester Show, and is showing no interest in helping round the farm. Which is not like our Josh.
Actually, he is starting to sound like Jamie (of latter days).
Let’s hope that we don’t have to go through all of that shouting and slamming doors again.
Willow Wands
[Lynda] “they’re strong but flexible, you can bend them anyway you like”
Seemingly they’re for Lynda’s Little Bo Peep scarecrow, but I think Robert should also be a bit wary … or delighted … whatever floats his boat, really.
It’s not just about Trolls
Lynda’s making a Little Bo Peep.
Vicky is doing Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
Caddisfly larvae, Crayfish and crush?
Kirsty bumps into Josh, while he despondently skips stones in the river (though he did manage an impressive 8 skips).
Kirsty is doing a species survey – she’s found Caddisfly larvae and crayfish (amongst others).
Josh sounded super interest in what Kirsty had found. Especially the crayfish being edible.
I wonder.
Josh was later making something in the shed at Brookfield.
Something for Kirsty? More interested in her than the wildlife?
Wonder if he’s going to now stalk her, as he did Emma.
It’s all Boules
Would seem Harry and Zofia had a wonderful night out (so Fallon).
And now he’s teaching her to play Boules at The Bull.
Lucky Zofia.
But, as we find out later on, unlucky Fallon.
Ain’t no sunshine when he’s taken
[Fallon] “It doesn’t feel like there’s a whole lot of sunshine in my life right now”
Fallon’s down in the dumps, Kirsty tries to cheer her up.
Kirsty suggests a night out clubbing. Going to a movie. Even just going round to hers for wine and chat (with Kirsty driving both ways).
[Kirsty] “All you have to do is sit there and breathe”
But oh dear – Fallon just wants to stay in with a DVD (yikes! I haven’t heard that phrase since before Helen became a mum).
So Llamas need crooks?
Ruth thought Lynda wanted a shepherdess crook for the Llamas.
Is that normal? Or was Ruth just being a bit dense?
Hurrah! The Bull has new Specials!
Looks like Kenton and Jolene have worn Freda down.
The Specials board now has grilled sea bass.
Though seems Freda still doesn’t sit well with the concept of warm salad.
Fallon shouts at Kirsty
Fallon doesn’t want to go out. And she especially doesn’t want to play Boules with Harry and Zofia.
Kirsty keeps trying to cajole Fallon – until Fallon loses her temper, and shouts at her to stop.
Then the penny drops.
[Kirsty] “Harry … you, still like him don’t you?”
[Fallon] “Even if I did, it wouldn’t do me any good, would it … it’s too late now. I’ve missed my chance, haven’t I?”
Aw. Poor Fallon.
But what on earth has she been thinking? Why all the flirting before Christmas – a quick peck during Panto rehearsals – then …. Nothing.
How was Harry supposed to know Fallon was still interested?
Silly woman.
- Walking the barley?
- Three Lambs for Borchester show
- No room at Brookfield for Pip?
- “Sometimes I wonder where all the nice times went”
- Harry takes Zofia for a ride
- Zofia, strawberries coming out of her ears, but Adam’s cherry isn’t ready
- Harry’s banter beats Jazzer’s letching
- Pip and Spencer … the new Morse and Lewis
Walking the barley?
[David] “It’s fine, I can walk the barley later”
I assume that would mean checking that the barley is doing well, but one never does know with David being in his current state of mind …
Three Lambs for Borchester show
Pip is entering lambs into the Borchester show. She does seem to know what she’s doing, but she wants David’s help to choose the three that she will take.
They seemingly need to have:
[Pip] “Good topline, decent loin width and muscling … squared hipped, flat wide racks”
[David] “Structural correctness, the judges call it …”
[Pip] “Steady legs and not too deep a chest”
Although Pip and David choose their prospective winners, Pip can’t help but ask Spencer his opinion (even though it’s not his area of expertise):
[Pip] “Which ones have got the X Factor?”
No room at Brookfield for Pip?
As they’re choosing lambs, Pip happens to mention that she would like to take over the marketing of Brookfield’s meat.
David sounds very unsure about that.
Not that Pip isn’t good enough to work with him and Ruth – but he’s worried about whether the farm can actually support another wage.
[Pip] “You don’t have to be gloomy about everything … three years is a long way off, things will get better, you’ll see”
Pip does have to go to Uni first (assuming she gets in), so has hope that the market will improve by the time she’s done.
Especially as she has to watch Spencer already working his parent’s farm.
Even though he reckons he’s just a tractor driver, as least he gets to go round with the agronomist.
“Sometimes I wonder where all the nice times went”
Chatting to Usha about how her ‘chat’ with Elizabeth went on Friday, Ruth seems quite taken aback by how vehement Elizabeth was about David, and about the very idea of her going to counselling.
[Ruth] “I was so stunned, I just sort of slunk away”
But, David did seem to be fine with Ruth telling him that she’d been to see Elizabeth, so it wasn’t a total loss.
Usha’s in reflective mood about what’s happening between her friends:
[Usha] “Especially with Elizabeth and in the frame of mind she’s in, poor thing … if she won’t listen, she won’t listen .. you’ve done everything you can”
So, Ruth’s new resolve is to concentrate on David and the farm.
[Ruth] “Sometimes I wonder where all the nice times went”
Harry takes Zofia for a ride
[Harry] “I want you to enjoy yourself, it’s not meant to be an ordeal”
Harry claims that his bike ride with Zofia is meant to be fun, but also slightly obvious that he’s training (and thinking) about his impeding bike race with Rhys.
Zofia seems fine with the ride, and is also keen to support Harry.
[Zofia] “Should I pledge for you?”
So – Rhys may have The Bull’s regulars supporting him – but Harry now has the Polish vote (as Zofia is also going to get her friends to pledge).
Zofia, strawberries coming out of her ears, but Adam’s cherry isn’t ready
Well … cherries not cherry … but I couldn’t resist that one …
Harry’s banter beats Jazzer’s letching
Zofia is quite surprised to hear Harry even think that Jazzer has a chance with her.
[Zofia] “Really, he has no conversation”
[Harry] “He’s not usually after their minds”
Then it all gets a tad saucy.
Harry did get intimate with Zofia the other night, and it sounded like his manhood was arising today.
Blimey.
Again – no showers, please …
Pip and Spencer … the new Morse and Lewis
Not sure who would be Morse and who would be Lewis, but Pip and Spencer took mere moments to work out who was behind the terrorising of Lynda’s Llamas.
Josh had been in the frame, because of his ‘tagging’ last year. But he was tucked up in his bed.
Pip remembers Jamie had also been tagging.
Spencer knows that this sort of caper is right up his brother Steve’s street.
Et voila!
[Spencer] “Best not to say anything, though. Can’t be sure”
Aw, that’s a shame.
But maybe Spencer is right.
Better to beat it out of them …
- Usha, why so thick?
- Usha, stuck in the middle?
- Thursday night is party night in Borchester
- Adam looking for young blood …
- Mikhail has insulted Cracovia
- I’m actually quite angry about this
- At least Harry leaves happy
Usha, why so thick?
Usha still doesn’t get the point of the rather odd book club meeting last night.
Which I don’t get. As she’s normally so astute.
[Usha] “ … the Book club was not relaxing … Jim was on good form, but Jennifer seemed a bit on edge”
Usha, stuck in the middle?
Usha’s at Brookfield ahead of the rest of her and Ruth’s clan gathering to celebrate her and Ruth’s birthdays.
Usha didn’t realise it at first, but Ruth is very much on edge – and her being there lets’; Ruth finally let it all out.
I’ll paraphrase (as we have been here many times before) – David’s upset that Elizabeth taking them off the will means that this argument is “for life” – it’s having a huge impact on David – and Ruth wants to go and have it out with Elizabeth.
Usha is in a slightly awkward position. She’s friends with both Elizabeth and Ruth – though I would say slightly more so with Ruth.
Ruth begs Usha’s advice.
Usha thinks Ruth has a right to have her say to Elizabeth, despite what David thinks. As Usha puts it, it’s also Ruth that’s been taken out of the will.
Usha’s only slight amendment is that Ruth should write Elizabeth a letter. Although Ruth baulks at the idea of another letter, Usha has the good point that a letter would allow Ruth time to put her ideas together, and to present them calmly to Elizabeth.
[Usha] “You’re dealing with someone who is pretty unstable now”
How very civilised. Not an email. Not a text. Not even a phone call.
Good to see letters having a use. Albeit in quite a tricky situation.
Thursday night is party night in Borchester
Hurrah!
The Pickers outing is to Jaxx. And Kenton is on sparkling form. In his own way.
Adam’s chaperoning the pickers. He even isn’t drinking.
But that’s more to do with a seemingly heavy night last night, celebrating his birthday.
Adam looking for young blood …
Cripes – amazing that he isn’t actually Brian’s son!
But it’s okay. We don’t have to worry about Ian.
Adam just wants new blood for the cricket team. He made the distinction about ‘young’ when Kenton offered his services.
Mikhail has insulted Cracovia
Which, I’ve learned tonight, is a football team.
(I support Queen of the South, who sit slightly uncomfortably in the Scottish First Division. If the team doesn’t struggle to buy its own oranges, I have no ken).
It’s a bad enough insult for Adam to have to leave Kenton (still at Jaxx) to go and sort it out.
Which is lucky. As Kenton now spouts a load of passive-homophobic rubbish …
I’m actually quite angry about this
Zofia is chatting to Kenton. She mentions how she thinks Adam is really nice, and that it’s also really nice that he lets his friends, Jazzer and Harry, come along on the pickers outings.
[Zofia] “Sure, they are special friends of Adam and Ian, no … I thought .. .they are always together, they live together, they ask Adam and Ian to dinner … they argue like an old married couple”
[Kenton] “No, no. Quite the opposite”
So – we have established that Zofia thinks Jazzer and Harry are a couple. She is therefore quite stupid. How could she have not noticed either of their advances?
Kenton then breaks the news to Jazzer.
[Kenton] “Sorry Jazzer, I know you fancy your chances but you’ve got no hope there … she thinks you’re on the other bus mate … dancing up the wrong end of the ballroom …”
What?
Seriously, what was Kenton saying?
Why on earth did he have to use code for saying that Zofia thought Jazzer and Harry are gay?
Surely there’s no need, now that it’s possible to be gay without having to use stupid phrases to avoid actually using the word gay.
Grrrr.
Bad boy Kenton. I thought you were better than that.
At least Harry leaves happy
Now that (thicko) Zofia knows neither Jazzer nor Harry is gay, she chooses her man.
It’s Harry.
She asks him to leave with her.
So well done Harry.
But I actually have little enthusiasm. All of this farce can felt more like Ambridge Extra that Ambridge real.
Shame.
- Ruth’s birthday
- Pickers and Pottery
- The cows are drying off?
- Zofia likes Robbie Williams
- Spencer is already fetching cake
- Jazzer can be quite crass indeed
Ruth’s birthday
And she’s having a lovely time.
She’s had a lie-in. A “fantastic” breakfast. Presents (sounded like a DVD, dressing gown and tickets to a concert – wonder who the gig is? Seems to be an old favourite who are quite loud … hmmmm).
She even got a card from Kenton AND Jolene. Blimey.
With Jill, Kenton, Shula, Daniel (and possibly Alistair) on their way, Ruth’s well chuffed.
She was a bit affronted when Pip suggested she sit on her bum and watch her new DVD.
[Ruth] “Watch television in daylight?”
And worse still – no card from Elizabeth.
As Pip said – how petty can Elizabeth get?
Pretty petty, it would seem.
Pickers and Pottery
[Harry] “You’re not interested in pottery!”
[Jazzer] “What makes you say that?”
[Harry] “You don’t even use plates, half the time …”
Harry is a tad perturbed that Jazzer is also on the Pickers’ Pottery Trip. Especially as he still seems to think that Macbeth was rubbish as a murder mystery as they knew who did it …
Harry does get his prized seat, right next to Zofia. But Jazzer managed to get a seat nearby.
The two of them then spend the rest of the journey trying to outdo each other in trying to prove who knows more about pottery. Jazzer’s printed information off from the internet – Harry knows deeper detail, but less of it.
But the real kicker?
Zofia isn’t interested in pottery.
The cows are drying off?
Anyone like to enlighten me what the process looks like?
Zofia likes Robbie Williams
[Jazzer] “ …it’s no as old as Stoke on Trent …”
[Zofia] “I wish we were (going there) … this is where Robbie Williams is coming from”
Just how old is Zofia, by the way?
Spencer is already fetching cake
From Jill’s, no less.
I feel a wedding ahoy …
Jazzer can be quite crass indeed
[Jazzer] “I might not no much about this art farty stuff …”
[Harry] “But you know what you like?”
[Jazzer] “Aye ah dae… and that’s women. Let the better player take a crack at goal …”
[Harry] “This isn’t a real football match, I have real feelings for this girl”
[Jazzer, audibly leering] “So have I mate, so have I”
- Brian doesn’t get his way
- Can I go to Ruairi’s school?
- Does one generally “get used” to a noisy neighbour?
- “nice English boyfriends”
- Harry’s ready to move to Poland
- Jennifer isn’t the author of Mistress of the Paddocks?
- Lilian Vs Annabelle
- Enjoying Adam and Jennifer
Brian doesn’t get his way
Which would be a shocker, if it hadn’t just been over that rather dull Mart …
Brian didn’t want to go for an early completion date, and reckon the bonus payment from the Council wouldn’t be worth the risk.
But Lilian reckons the bonus payment more than covers the risk, and their wonderful project manager means they won’t miss the deadlines anyway. So there is no real risk.
When it went to Board vote, they went with Lilian.
[Lilian] “There are no hard feelings, I hope, the best woman won!”
Ah – a rare moment for Lilian, to be able to gloat over Brian. What bliss!
Can I go to Ruairi’s school?
[Brian] “85 acres of land, woods, little streams, children encouraged to play out there … That’s the kind of childhood we want for Ruairi”
Aye – that’s also the sort of adulthood I’d want for myself!
So looks like they’re found the perfect place for Ruairi. It’s particularly ideal not just because of the of the little streams, but also because it’s a Catholic boarding schools that “takes everyone”.
Marvellous.
Does one generally “get used” to a noisy neighbour?
On Jonti Waters at No.3 The Green
[Brian] “One man noise pollution zone, that’s what I hear”
[Lilian] “Storm in a teacup, darling. They’ll get used to him”
Hmm.
I, for once, disagree with Lilian. And wouldn’t have thought Tom and Brenda are the type to suffer even the most minor of irritations.
Adam hopes the picker “girls found nice English boyfriends”
Adam’s walking the wheat, when Harry finds him to ask if he can go on the pickers trip to Felpersham Pottery.
[Harry] “I’m quite interested in China, my mum collects it, so I can tell her all about it …"
Course, Adam isn’t daft, and knows Harry wants to go on the trip to be with Zofia.
[Harry] “It’s not very cool being so obvious … I wouldn’t like to think I’m being as crassly obvious as Jazzer”
Harry reckons that he and Zofia genuinely have something in common, whereas Jazzer really just wants to get his leg over. At least Harry can:
[Harry] “ …I can raise my gaze above her … chest”
Adam seems to agree that Harry would be a better prospect for Zofia, and is also glad that Jazzer hasn’t signed up for the Pottery outing. He said something about Jazzer being like a Bull being in a China Shop …
[Adam] “I’d rather the girls found nice English boyfriends”
Which isn’t Jazzer, I suppose. As he isn’t necessarily nice. Nor English.
(and why English? Will Welsh, Scottish, Irish, France. American, African, Turkish, Norwegian etc etc etc not do?)
Harry’s ready to move to Poland
Adam pointed out that even though Jazzer’s intentions towards Zofia may not include longevity, it is inevitable that any liaison with Zofia will be short lived. She’ll be going home to Poland after the season.
Harry then started talking about going to Poland with her, getting a job …
… steady on Harry! That sort of talk is bound to scare the lass away good and proper!
Jennifer isn’t the author of Mistress of the Paddocks?
Seemingly Jennifer is still on chapter one of Mistress of the Paddocks.
I thought she wasn’t ready it, as she’d actually written it. Unbeknownst to everyone else.
But:
[Jennifer] “It’s so tedious, full of clichés you wouldn’t believe, one a sentence … I thought rubbish was supposed to be easier to read … I’ve learned my lesson, and next time it’s Middlemarch”
So – if not Jennifer – who is the author?
They’re local, but that’s all we know.
Joe Grundy?
Lilian Vs Annabelle
Surprisingly, Annabelle back Lilian, rather than Brian, at the Board vote.
[Annabelle] “I judge the matter on its merit, you made a better case … you’ve got a good coach, haven’t you … come on Lilian, Matt’s fingerprints are all over this deal!”
[Lilian] “I think people are allowed to talk things over with their partners … oh, sorry, of course, you wouldn’t know …”
(meow!)
Annabelle, while in admiration of Matt’s business prowess, doesn’t agree with his business ethics.
As Lilian obviously still has an issue with Annabelle (Lilian thinks Annabelle may have had intimate adult moments with Matt while he and Lilian were briefly separated a while back), Annabelle has a weak spot to aim for:
[Annabelle] “I have some very fond memories if our time together … a pity it came to such a bad end …”
Didn’t Annabelle refuse Matt?
But, of course, Lilian doesn’t know that.
Meow also to Annabelle!
Enjoying Adam and Jennifer
That I am.
Adam’s on very good form at the moment, as is his mum.
They’re having a natter about Jazzer and Harry chasing after Zofia.
Adam reckoned “the gates of heavens opened” when he told Harry that he would reserve a seat next to Zofia, guaranteeing Harry ‘quality’ time with her. Of course, on their last trip out, Jazzer managed to bag that seat.
[Jennifer] “The contest of romantic archetypes”
[Adam] “Jazzer and Harry? The lout and the lover …”
[Jennifer] “They both have recognisable wooing technique”
[Adam] “ I wouldn’t call what Jazzer does wooing”
[Jennifer] “A little rough and ready maybe, but he’s only trying to sweep Zofia off her feet”
[Adam] “Or onto the nearest available flat surface”
[Jennifer] “He might have a softer side …”
[Adam] “He’s hiding it well”
[Jennifer, now talking about Harry] “Underneath that polite exterior he might be a bubbling cauldron of passion”
At that remark, Adam reckons Mistresses of the Paddocks seems to be rubbing off on Jennifer.
They’re interrupted by Jazzer telephoning to say that he now also wants to go on the Pottery trip. The news of which seems to make Adam really happy.
[Adam] “Who am I to stand in the way of primeval male forces?”
[Jennifer] “Jazzer and Harry squabbling over a strawberry picker, it’s hardly DH Lawrence”
Jennifer thinks Adam’s glee at this situation is just him amusing himself.
[Adam] “Beats looking at old China, doesn’t it?”
Indeed.
But best watch your step. Harry and Jazzer could easily turn nasty. Infact, maybe Zofia will turn nasty ... all this male attention must be quite dull.
- Adam can park perfectly … with help from mum
- The Aldridge’s need to borrow the Snell’s chairs
- Upstairs, Downstairs
- Jazzer’s in fine form
- Live weight gains and finishing
- Ian’s worried about Ruairi
- Harry’s impressed by Adam’s whites
- “Two hours of doom and gloom …”
- Jennifer said ‘LOL’
- Actually, Brian’s a bit doom and gloom
- No. 3 isn’t a good ‘un?
- Jennifer doesn’t need to read Mistress of the Paddocks …
Adam can park perfectly … with help from mum
Well, it was a combine.
The Aldridge’s need to borrow the Snell’s chairs!
Did we think we’d ever see such a day?
Open Farm Sunday is really mixing up the hierarchy.
Upstairs, Downstairs
I couldn’t help thinking of Zofia as a Victorian servant when she thanked Adam and Jennifer for taking her and her fellow pickers to see Shakespeare.
It sounds like she was thanking them for getting the scraps after the banquet. Or being allowed to go see the doctor with her severed arm, right during the croquet refreshments.
But, she did then reassert herself by outright refusing Jennifer’s request for her to help out with the strawberries at Open Farm Sunday as it was her day off.
Jazzer’s in fine form
[Jazzer] “The fly in your eyes when you’re whizzing through the skies … see what I did there?”
(no – I didn’t get it either, but it sounded witty)
[Jazzer] “Shakespeare? Do me a favour. If the good lord had intended men to wear tights he’d have given us the legs to go with them”
[Harry] “That’s rich, coming from a man who wears skirts”
(steady on Harry!)
[Jazzer, on Harry wearing tie to a theme park] “You can take the man out of the building society …”
[Jazzer] “It’ll be me who she’ll be cuddling up to when the rides get scary, no the apprentice”
[Jazzer] “Roond and roond Harry Boy, she’ll be that dizzy she’ll fall into my arms”
Live weight gains and finishing
Adam is a bit worried about ‘the general public’s’ reaction to learning about what really happens to lambs.
I’m with Jennifer that folks shouldn’t be squeamish about the reality of what goes onto their dinner plate But they also missed the point that the lamb on your plate isn’t the wee cut toot leaping about the field. The ‘lamb’ is a bit more of a sheep when it heads off to slaughter …
[Adam] “I just hope some bunny hugger doesn’t jump over the gates to liberate them”
Ian’s worried about Ruairi
So says Adam.
Ian also lost his mum when he was young, and worries that boarding school won’t be the best thing for Ruairi.
But it seems it’s a done deal. Jennifer reckons Bridget wants it, and Ruairi wants, “so there we are”.
Harry’s impressed by Adam’s whites
Isn’t it nice to have a chap in Ambridge who cares about appearance, health and cleanliness, and isn’t gay?
That’s out Harry. He ain’t no stereotype!
Congratulating Adam about his part in Ambridge’s recent cricket win (yet another! This must be shaping up to be quite a good season), Harry also compliments Adam on his whites, and asks him about how he gets them so.
[Adam] “Ian does something mysterious with them before they go into the washing machine”
Harry then invites Adam and Ian over for dinner, sometime.
That’ll be a fun one.
How many times will Jazzer natter on about how many women he’s pulled, just to make sure no-one has any doubts?
“Two hours of doom and gloom …”
[Jazzer] “…when I was expecting thrills and spills”
Ah, that was a mean trick to play on a man.
Jazzer had thought the pickers outing was to a funfair.
Neither Adam, nor Harry, thought it fit to tell him that it was Macbeth. They did the exact opposite.
[Jazzer] “It’s been me who’s been kippered!”
But it wasn’t a complete disaster.
Jazzer might be a bit annoyed, but he reckoned one of the witches was a looker – and he also got to sit with Zofia on the way back.
Jennifer said ‘LOL’
Which sounded very odd indeed.
Actually, Brian’s a bit doom and gloom
[Brian, on Phoebe’s forthcoming 13th] “Well, her best years are behind her now … life only gets more complicated when you grow up”
[Brian, on Phoebe’s birthday party at the hall] “Hope that all the ducks in the village pond get their earplugs ready”
He also reckoned the catering for her party could just be as simple as opening the front door, and throwing junk food at them.
It must be him worrying about the mart.
No. 3 isn’t a good ‘un?
There was a mention that Tom’s new neighbour has a dog that never stops barking.
Oh dear.
Either Jonti Waters isn’t going to be a very well behaved Ambridge resident – or he’s already died and the dog is just trying to tell everyone!
Jennifer doesn’t need to read Mistress of the Paddocks …
… because it must be one if hers.
Surely?
[Adam] “You’re going to have to read it eventually mum to find out who the Mistress of the Paddocks really is”
- Jennifer’s a crafty player
- “Have your strawberries got a vicious streak?”
- Supermarkets – a positive news story?
- Gisela “pulling the homesick stunt again”
- Does Jennifer have cravings?
- Kate likes the jade pendant
- “Paddocks of Desire”
- Not sure if I can wait until tomorrow …
Jennifer’s a crafty player
She sells every punnet of strawberry at the farmer’s market – then manages to get Jazzer into emptying out her van for her.
Sometimes easy to forget that Jennifer isn’t just the straight-man to Brian’s wheeler dealings.
“Have your strawberries got a vicious streak?”
Jazzer ends up emptying Jennifer’s van as he’s too distracted trying to get Zofia’s telephone number from Jennifer.
He reckons Zofia was about to give it to him anyway at the Sticky Wicket, before Harry interrupted them. Jazzer tells Jennifer that Zofia looks lonely, so he just wants to help.
[Jazzer] “You know me, always wanting to extend the hand of friendship”
Jennifer won’t give it to him (employee confidentiality), and also won’t let him go into the polytunnel to see Zofia.
[Jazzer] “Have your strawberries got a vicious streak?”
So, in return for all his effort, all Jazzer gets is a list of dates of when there will be Picker socials. And a loose promise from Adam that he’ll be invited to the next one.
Methinks Jazzer will have to be a lot more crafty if he wants to beat Harry to the chase.
Supermarkets – a positive news story?
Penny Marsh seems to think so.
Penny is Matt’s ‘insider’ at the Council – and meets with Brian and Annabelle to substantiate Matt’s claim that there’s more “sugar” to be had from the Council, if they get an early push on with the new Mart.
It seems that at least two supermarkets want the site – and Penny reckons the councils want them to be in on the site as soon as possible. It would (seemingly) be a terrific boost for the Council.
Hmmm.
I can see how making money out of a Supermarket buying a site is a boost. I can also see that a new supermarket creates more jobs, gets more folks in to the area (and so on), BUT don’t most communities fight against new supermarkets?
Death of local high streets. More traffic. Environmental impact (etc).
Either way, Brian still isn’t convinced that this is all real. It sounds like a great deal for him and his fellow directors, but it would involve having to move all of their plans forward – so more of a risk.
[Brian] “ … a golden opportunity for BMD or being bounced into something nasty by Matt?”
Gisela “pulling the homesick stunt again”
According to Adam.
Gisela is one of Home Farm’s pickers, and she wants to sue the office Skype to call home.
Adam reckons she just wants to chat to her boyfriend back home, but Jennifer is a bit more sympathetic (which is why Adam is probably asking Jennifer to speak to Gisela instead of tackling her himself).
Seems that Gisela has a bit of a dodgy boyfriend, who she literally needs an eye kept on to stop wandering.
Doubt a Skype call will achieve that …
Does Jennifer have cravings?
Jennifer is 66, so surely not.
Maybe the “seriously hot” Jalapeno Salsa was just a wee fancy of hers.
Though she is right to be a bit embarrassed that it wasn’t homemade. She has quite a reputation to up when it comes to culinary delights.
Kate likes the jade pendant
Even to the point where she thought it was the best present Brian had ever got for Jennifer.
If it hadn’t also gone down well with other folks (excluding Lilian, of course), I’d be sure it was naff, if only based on Kate’s approval.
Anyhoo – I didn’t quite understand what Jennifer meant when she said she gets Jade and Coral this year. I know it’s just been her and Brian’s 35th, and she was 66 in January – but what else is special about this year? She made mention of December. Is it just that she’s excited about what her Christmas present could be, considering Brian’s doing so well with his presents so far?
“Paddocks of Desire”
Would be a “ridiculous title” for a book, according to Jennifer.
Interesting that she hasn’t read past page 5 of Mistress of the Paddocks.
Talking to Adam about it, Jennifer claims that she thought it had been a good idea
[Jennifer] “ …local author … rural themes … much less daunting. For all Jim’s carping, it’s attracted at least one new member”
So while Jennifer seems to have not read it, it’s got Pat into the Book Club. I never took Pat as a romance fiction fan.
I can't track it down anywhere – but can we assume that Mistress of the Paddocks is one of Jennifer’s?
Not sure if I can wait until tomorrow …
… to find out about whether Brian will agree to Home Farm doing Open Farm Sunday in place of Brookfield.
Adam wants to. Jennifer’s also keen.
There was even mention of Tom’s burger van.
But Brian is oddly negative and cautious at the moment.
[Adam, to Bran] “ … open farm Sunday, yes or no?”
Blimey. The tension is awful!
- Molly Button has a sister
- “Can you believe it? Bored by the cricket!”
- A tense final (for Susan)
- The new Book Club book is “a Roistering rural romance”
- Jazzer, lost in translation?
- Chris isn’t patronising
Molly Button has a sister
Called Tilly, who also sounds like a bit of a live ‘un.
She went missing at the Single Wicket, to be found sat in a tent “quietly” reading.
Tilly then later seemed to be throwing things at Jazzer.
Good to know there’s be a few choice females for Ben to choose from when he grows up.
“Can you believe it? Bored by the cricket!”
It did seem that most Ambridge residents weren’t at the Single Wicket (or at least were staying quiet).
And of those, most weren’t too bothered about being there:
[Susan – on Chris and Neil making the final] “Didn’t think I’d be stuck here, watching all afternoon”
[Jazzer, on cricket] “Occupational therapy for posh Neds”
A tense final (for Susan)
Alistair went out in the first round (to someone called Barry – who is seemingly “insufferable” – but was then knocked out by Chris, so balance was restored).
Neil put Harry out, even though Kenton reckoned Harry was “on fire”, and Susan was being a tad negative about Neil’s chances.
[Susan] “Your father looks beaten already”
But she has little faith.
Neil does make it to the final – as does Chris.
So it’s an all-Carter end to the Sticky Wicket.
The new Book Club book is “a roistering rural romance”
So Jennifer has chosen Mistress of the Paddocks by Carinthia Heart.
(a book which I can’t as existing beyond Ambridge – or am I being thick?)
It’s even got Emma reading:
[Susan] “As soon as Emma saw it was a roistering rural roman, she grabbed it off me”
Jazzer, lost in translation?
Jazzer’s only at the cricket to try and pull the Polish woman (who is part of Adam's Picking team) with the “long chestnut hair”.
And at least she now has a name – Zofia.
[Jazzer] “Is this patch of grass taken, or is there room for a handsome man next to you?”
He also tried to crash the Pickers’ barbeque to try and get close to Zofia, but Adam chucked him out.
[Jazzer] “I’m guessing there’s a lot more to ya than strawberry picking”
Jazzer then starts to ramble on about whether Zofia likes art, music, massage …
And, hearing Zofia has split from her boyfriend (who is now back in Poland), Jazzer thinks it’s a good tactic to get very personal,
[Jazzer] “Bit of a bother in the bedroom department, eh?”
At which point, Harry interrupts.
(he speaks again!)
Harry thinks Jazzer’s banter is a tad inappropriate.
[Zofia] “It’s alright. I do not understand what he says”
It seems Harry also has an eye for Zofia as well. Jazzer reckons he’s well in, but Harry seems to have had a gentle chat with Zofia
[Harry] “So why did she ask me afterwards if English was your first language?”
Jazzer then challenges Harry to Zofia – which appals Harry as it’s hardly the way that modern, enlightened men should act. That belongs to a previous age, he reckons.
[Jazzer] “Are we going by the calendar or your dress sense?”
But ho hum. Looks like it’s another farcical ‘game on’.
Chris isn’t patronising
So, Chris won the Single Wicket.
Susan is a bit irritated that he didn’t let Neil win
[Susan] “Well you’ll have plenty of chances again, but you know how much it meant to your father”
She reckons Neil’s been taking such a ribbing recently that he’s too old to play cricket, he needed to win to bolster himself and prove to all else that he still has ‘it’.
[Chris to Neil] “There’s no way I’d patronise you like that … I heard you telling me to catch it”
[Neil] “The only thing better than winning myself, is seeing my son do it”
Aw. Sweet.
Though Neil did still claim half of the trophy. He reckons that’s so, because he taught Chris has to play cricket in the first place ...
