Ed’s invited to Will’s birthday: Tues 05.02.13 #thearchers

The Archers Tuesday 5th February 2013

• Ed and Jazzer to become supremo sheep shearers
• Ed’s turned to be Rob’bed
• Rhys isn’t very sensitive to Jazzer
• Valentine’s plans at The Bull
• Rob’s joining the hunt
• Fat Paul hit Derek Fletcher
• No Pancake Night at The Bull?
• The Jungle Drums reckon Lower Loxley needs £1m
• Nic wants Ed at Will’s birthday

The Bull has a pub quiz: Fri 05.10.12

The Archers Friday 5th October

• Seemingly Gobshite isn’t in The Times cryptic crossword
• Matt and Lilian are still arguing
• No-one will play with David
• Plans for Apple Day
• Rhys can’t stay away
• Derek Fletcher has a wig?
• Tom still has no kitchen

Seemingly Gobshite isn’t in The Times cryptic crossword

Jim really isn’t impressed with Jazzer trying to help him and Christine with their crossword.

His rather ridiculous suggestions have simply spoiled their routine.

But Jazzer’s routines certainly haven’t been spoiled by living with Jim.

[Jazzer] “A lot of women would pass out if I gave them a compliment.”

Aye. Still the same ego driven, bordering on sexist, Jazzer McCreary.

And it would seem Jazzer’s charisma has won round Jim.

[Jim] “In some ways I find Jazzer quite … admirable … if you consider, he’s never had the advantages we had … he wishes his father had stayed around.”

Jazzer’s also told him that his mum had numerous boyfriends. And that his brothers encourage him to mischief.

[Jim] “But where it might have crushed most people’s spirit, he’s retained a real spark … he has a genuine thirst to find out how the world works.”

[Christine] “Up to a point …”

Jazzer’s ploy of asking for a book about Greek Mythology seems to have worked wonders on Jim. He’s now under the impressions that Jazzer is an “avid reader.”

Hmmm.

How long before Jazzer truly reveals himself, horrifying Jim in every way possible?

Maybe will take a while.

Jazzer certainly seems to have the measure of Jim

[Jazzer] “You have to steer him off roman poetry and crosswords before you fall asleep .”

Matt and Lilian are still arguing

Which begs the questions why on earth Matt even bothered with the Paris trip.

He was obviously worried about Paul being back in the village, but hasn’t kept up with spoiling Lilian, reminding her why she’s with him.


No-one will play with David

David’s taken a rare night away from the farm to take part in The Bull quiz.

But he’s having trouble joining a team.

Joe, Bert and Bob Pullen don’t want him.

[David] “They are holding out for Derek Fletcher … it would break a lesser man.”

[Tom] “They must be expecting a song from the shows round. He always cleans up on that.”

So David eventually joins Brenda and Tom.

[Brenda] “Oh please, we’re absolutely desperate!”

Well, that’s not quite a compliment.


Plans for Apple Day

They’ll be demonstrating the cider press. Showing photos of the Community Orchard, how it came to be. Bobbing for apples. And an apple and spoon race.

Sounds marvellous!

(I kid you not)


Rhys can’t stay away

It’s his night off, but Rhys is in The Bull. He reckons he wants a pint and some company.

More to do with Fallon that company, plural?


Derek Fletcher has a wig?

Everyone reckons so.

Seems it’s not as discreet as he’d like it to be …


Tom still has no kitchen

The rent’s too high on the unit next to him.

[Tom] “I’ve got a ticking clock on my first order for ready meals, and no idea where I’m going to make them.”

Wish I could feel sorry for Tom.

But I can’t.

I still wish him every bit of bad luck going (the odious little creep!)

Lynda says “behoves” 10.04.12

The Archers Tuesday 10th April 2012

• Ruth is being unladylike (again)
• Alan and Usha off to Marrakech
• Derek Fletcher’s gnomes are always good for a laugh
• Tom and Brenda are a prime location
• Tom’s only got himself to blame
• Tony’s (staggered) return
• Phoebe and Josh still Facebooking
• Amy, alone in the vicarage
• Pat’s back on at the Super Dairy

Ruth is being unladylike (again)

[Usha] “That looks ungainly”

[Ruth] “Really Usha, and there was I admiring me style”

[Usha] “I meant the cow, one leg pulled out like that”

[Ruth] “Oh the more supported the better when you’re hoof trimming”

By making the cow look “ungainly”, Ruth makes sure she doesn’t get kicked, and it makes sure Ruth doesn’t cut too deep.

Win win.


Alan and Usha off to Marrakech

Very nice indeed.

Though Ruth would prefer the Cotswolds.



Derek Fletcher’s gnomes are always good for a laugh

Seems Derek Fletcher was still very much against the photo flyover.

[Pat] “Derek Fletcher said it was like living behind the iron curtain … a big brother society, apparently”

[Tom] “Did he think they were getting top secret shots of his gnome or something?”

Aye, laugh at the gnomes. Poor things can’t defend themselves.



Tom and Brenda are a prime location

According to Lynda,

As they’re on the Green, they’re crucial to the display for Ambridge’s Britain in Bloom display.

Lynda put the startling news across to them in her own special manner. She used the word “behoves”

[Pat] “Did she really say behoves?"

[Brenda] “I think it’s her word of the week … it behoves us to put on a magnificent floral display for the honour of the village”

Tom’s only got himself to blame

Tom left his phone at home.

Because of that, he missed 2 calls from customers.

So he blames the milking parlour for missing him opportunities. The missed phone calls, and that he can’t be out and about making more sales.

Silly Tom.


Tony’s (staggered) return

So, as Tom is now losing opportunities (so he reckons) he wants to get a relief dairyman in.

Which Tony hears about. And reckons it’s “obvious” that he should return to work instead.

Which Brenda agrees would be a good idea. In a staggered basis.

Later on, Tom thanks Brenda for helping him to have a more manageable workload.

[Brenda] “No problem. Anything that eases the load”

Anything?

Wonder if Brenda would actually put Tony in danger for her Tom. I think it’s too early for him to be back at work milking, considering he currently gets tired just having a wee walk.


Phoebe and Josh still Facebooking

Tell you. We’d better get new hats ready.


Amy, alone in the vicarage

Usha reckons Amy will be pleased to have the house to herself for a bit, while they go to Marrakech.

[Ruth] “Free access to the bathroom?”

[Usha] “Free access to the boyfriend!”

Though Amy still isn’t at the ‘meet the parents’ stage with Carl, Usha does think that it’s serious. Which hasn’t really happened for Amy before. So it’s also new for Alan.

[Usha] “He’s managing to be rationale about it. Keep on top of his primal instincts”

Usha also knows Amy won’t have any wild parties while they are away, and actually thinks it unlikely that she’ll even bring Carl back home. She’s sensitive to Alan, and knows that he doesn’t approve of them sleeping together before marriage (though wouldn’t interfere).

(right – so what’s the story with carl? Much older? Much younger? Wrong colour/religion/gender …???)


Pat’s back on at the Super Dairy

Which means Ruth is also roped in again (though Ruth isn’t complaining).

Pat’s been to see Hattie Marshall, who’s part of Borchester Against Factory Farming, She and Pat reckon that they need to do a final push before the Super Dairy comes up before the planning committee.

So they’re going to get an article in the Westbury Courier this Saturday, on Grange Farm and Ed Grundy. They want to prove that you don’t have to be big.

[Pat] “Happy unstressed cows rather than short lived milking machines”

Good luck with that. Rufus will have a plan already worked out for such an event.

The Parish Community Council to bed BL 03.04.12

The Archers Tuesday 3rd April 2012

• Tony’s kitted up and raring to go
• Ronnie likes strong women
• Lily is now obsessed
• A very Special Parish Council meeting
• Tilly Button is in hand
• Jim resorts to Derek Fletcher

Tony’s kitted up and raring to go

But no-one will let him do anything.

[Tony] “I wanted to clean the stew pan but Helen did it”

And Pat won’t let him help with the trays.

Tony is also worried about Tom running himself ragged.

But there’s nothing he can do about that. Not while everyone is telling him to sit down and relax until he’s completely ready to return to work.

(quite right too!)

[Tony] “But I’m starting to feel much more myself”

[Pat] “You have to appreciate love, that’s why Tom’s being cautious, and why Helen won’t even let you do the pans”

Ronnie likes strong women

Ronnie is the chap from which Chris is buying the Farrier business.

Neil and Susan were talking about how proud they are of Chris, then started talking about how Ronnie met his wife.

Seems Ronnie met her at a Summer Fayre, where he was impressed by her prowess on the test your strength machine. After he’d seen her technique, he married her a mere 3 months later.

Wow. That’s a man who knows what he wants.



Lily is now obsessed

With bell ringing.

She’s still going to practice, and will even get to ring the bells on St George’s day.



A very Special Parish Council meeting

[Jim] “Village hall tea, that mysterious compound of coal dust and floor sweepings”

Actually, Oliver points out that he brought Darjeeling with him.

When they’re settled, they get down to the business of discussing the Fields in Trust.

Seems there’s a scheme which uses the Jubilee and the Olympics to help safeguard recreational areas of land – it’s called the QE II Field program. Once a community secures that status for the land, it can’t be built in, and they can access grants to create or improve facilities. The ownership of the land stays with the current owner, but they will have a legally binding contract, and a deed of dedication “to protect in perpetuity”.

So – the village green?

Nope, already protected.

The cricket pitch?

Nope, already protected.

The playground?

Nope, also already protected (as a memorial).

Then Jill comes up trumps.

She suggests the land between the shop and the river, which children have always played on. Including David, Kenton and Neil.

[Neil] “Mind, before they put the fence up, you had to stop the ball rolling down the land”

But there’s a big BUT.

That land belongs to Borchester Land.

Most seem to see that as not being a problem – it’d be a good spot to have Bonfire night on (to stop Hilary Noakes moaning, if nothing else):

[Jim] “Anything to spare a repetition of the Burned village green debacle!”

But Jill is horrified that they’ll have to ask Brian to gift the land.

[Jill] “Oh no …!”

Jill still hasn’t forgiven Brian for his rather obvious (and cynical) attempt to buy good PR for BL during the start of the Super Dairy debate.

[Oliver] “But sometimes a parish council has to accept realpolitik”

[Jim] “So why not try and get something good out of them before the chance goes forever?”

Blimey, Jim has changed his tune.

It sounded like Jill as a very lone voice in the debate.



Tilly Button is in hand

On the topic of the James/Leonie fly over:

[Jim] “How splendid, our very own festival of noise!”

But it’s not all bad news. Seems Tilly has been “spoken to, very firmly” by Brown Owl. So no naughtiness from the Brownies, then.

Oliver tells how Jolene has been making her regulars practising waving for the flyover (out in the car park), in the shape of a bull. But as they’re practising at night, they’re only waving at the night sky at the moment.

[Jim] “Goodness me, were you expecting to be beamed up?”

[Lynda] “It would be a shame if the whole flight was taken over by commercial concerns …”

(does Lynda not recall that she and Robert run a B&B, so surely her deep desired to be photographed is of as much commercial concern as The Bull?)


Jim resorts to Derek Fletcher

Though Jim was going great guns with his Lent promise (to make as many genuine compliments to as many people as possible), he’s now feeling the strain. He’s running out of people to compliment.

[Jim] “And since his socks were the least offense thing about him, I had to say how nice they were”

[Jill, giggling again. Which she seems to be doing a lot at the moment. Which is nice] “You made his afternoon!”

Family secrets no more 28.03.12

The Archers Wednesday 28th March 2012

• Caribou Kirsty
• Email from Rich
• Alice and Amy on Chris
• Belly busters need Tom’s bangers
• Another pop at Maurice
• Ambridge by Air
• Alice and Amy on Carl

Caribou Kirsty

Is one of Kenton’s special Easter cocktails.

Though Amy doesn’t want one. She’d prefer a Cranberry spritzer, even though she’s on a night out with Alice. She has work tomorrow.

Delights of Ambridge’s Easter holidays will also include a “Harry and Jazzer Special Quiz” at The Bull, and a retro night at Jaxx.

[Kenton] “You know where the hottest night in town will be!”

Email from Rich

Delights Tony and Pat.

He tells them that he really enjoyed his visit, and would like to come back again. He even mentioned the pigs twice.

(high praise indeed!)

(I was then momentarily taken aback when Pat knew how to download a photo Rich had sent to them onto a memory stick, to then get printed out in town)

[Pat] “He looks so similar yet so different”

Tony and Pat discuss whether it is now time to tell the rest of the family, considering it looks like Rich is about to become part of their life.

[Tony] “Maybe it’s time to end all the secrecy”

[Pat] “It’s been so overwhelming, I never thought of Peggy or your sisters”

But they decide to ask Tom and Helen first, considering the problems they caused last time they weren’t consulted.

When they show Tom the email.

[Tom] “Good attitude to pigs”

When they tell him about them wanting to tell their close family:

[Tom] “Oh. Everybody … That’s fine by me”

So Pat will do a ring round tomorrow to ask everyone over.

After all the surprises Bridge Farm has had over the last year:

[Pat] “I wonder what Peggy, Jennifer and Lilian will make of this one?”

Huh. Haven’t they forgotten to ask Helen, or does Tom speak for both of them now?



Alice and Amy on Chris

[Amy] “Chris is so good to you”

[Alice] “I know. It’s a good job I deserve it!”

Belly busters need Tom’s bangers

So Tom delivered them in the evening to a Tom’s bangers bereft Jaxx.


Another pop at Maurice

What’s he done to deserve that recently?

Seems the sealer at Bridge Farm went, which has created more delays and problems.

[Tom] “You can imagine how Maurice has reacted!”

[Kenton] “With a smile on his lips and a song in his heart”

He’s not mentioned for years, then harassed twice in as many days!


Ambridge by Air

Word is spreading about Leonie and James’ plans to take photographs of Ambridge from the air.

[Kenton] “There was nearly a riot when Derek Fletcher found out … an outrageous invasion of privacy … even now, I suspect he’s arming his garden gnomes with rocket launchers”

And Tom reckons that if it’s a warm day, there may be real invasions of privacy if folks are sunbathing for an all over tan.


Alice and Amy on Carl

[Amy] “He’s nice”

[Alice] “French fries are nice Amy, I want to know how hot and fit!”

Poor Amy. She’s just started seeing this bloke, but Alice wants every detail.

Amy tells her he has great eyes. He’s masculine, but sensitive. Great sense of humour.

And they’ve had breakfast together …

[Alice] “There’s no point denying it. You’re glowing!”

And there’s more.

His family is really important to him (he checks his parents’ house every weekend while they’re over in Spain).

And he visits his gran in her nursing home.

[Amy] “I think he’s great”

Just me, or do we think Carl is far too good to be true?

Him visiting his gran is pushing it …

The Archers Monday 14th November 2011: John Archer, a dad?

• Derek Fletcher is being inappropriate. Again.
• Lynda isn’t inspirational
• Two heads are better than one
• The analysis of Peggy’s birthday lunch
• Susan stepping into Ivy’s shoes
• Caroline saves Christmas
• Pat’s counting back 13 years …

Derek Fletcher is being inappropriate. Again.

[Lynda] “No. No Derek. I’m not questioning your talent or your ability to entertain. It would just be quite inappropriate … that has to be my final answer”

Lynda comes off the phone as Caroline walks up (looks like Lynda is working on Christmas around the World while at work. Cheeky)

[Lynda] “That was Derek Fletcher. He wants to be a Chinese magician”

[Caroline, confused] “He does?”

[Lynda] “Yes. For Christmas around the world. I mean, can you imagine it, Derek, dressed up in a pigtail and a dressing gown and pulling handkerchiefs out of a top hat”

[Caroline] “Well, it’s hardly original I suppose”

[Lynda] “Well it’s not just that. Supposing you were a person of Chinese extraction sitting in the audience … Caroline, this show is meant to be pay tribute to the rich diversity of international culture, not poke fun at crude national stereotypes. Just try explaining that to Derek Fletcher … he was quite rude on the phone. Even accused me of favouritism!”

And poor Lynda starts crying.


Lynda isn’t inspirational

[Lynda] “I was hoping to tap the talent of the local community, but it’s just not happening … this show just hasn’t inspired people the way my productions normally do”

It’s because it’s not a panto, Lynda. It’s not a panto!

Why try something different at a time of year when we all tend to like traditional stuff that makes us feel a bit warm and fuzzy? Even if it is generally obvious and clichéd.


Two heads are better than one

According to Tom.

[Tom] “Two heads, you know. Especially when the other one’s Brenda”

Hmmm. That’s questionable.

But Pat and Tony seems happy enough to leave them to it. They’re off to visit a brand guru to sort out Bridge Farm’s rebrand to Ambridge Organics.

Which is a surprise, considering what Tom’s been like to date.

Mind you, he did point out the obvious to Pat about making more of their Christmas pudding ice cream at this time of year … so maybe Pat and Tony do need Tom and Brenda to state the obvious to them.


The analysis of Peggy’s birthday lunch

[Tom] “It was fine mum. I mean there was no actual violence. And gran seemed to have a great time, that’s all that matters”

Indeedy.


Susan stepping into Ivy’s shoes

Seems Susan is still doing Bert and Gary’s cooking.

That doesn’t please Neil. Susan reckons they’re both still mourning, but so is Susan.

Neil then saw Gary out feeding the ducks. And reckons that if he has time to feed the ducks:

[Neil] “Can’t he at least do something to feed him and Bert?”

Neil is worried about Gary and Bert becoming as dependent on Susan as they had been on Ivy.

And so far, she’s giving them every reason to be.


Caroline saves Christmas

(well, The Christmas Show is all Caroline saved. Technically)

Still distraught over her increasingly alarm that Christmas around the World will be rubbish, Lynda is trying all sorts:

[Lynda] “I thought some vigorous exercise might be good for my soul”

(blimey – what a picture that paints!)

But hurrah for Caroline!

She suggests food. To have food from around the world – as a sort of smorgasbord – and make the concert into more of a camembert. With wee tables rather than theatre style.

[Lynda] “You’ve unblocked my creative flow!”

Lynda starts wittering on about turkey and cranberry bites, sauerkraut and sausages, samosas, spring rolls and:

[Lynda] “A wonderful Norwegian recipe for little Christmas sausages”

Which she ropes Tom into making.

Lynda takes Caroline’s suggestion one step further. That the performers can sit with the audience and eat, to create a relaxed ambiance.

[Lynda, to Caroline] “It was sheer inspiration. You have saved our Christmas show!”

Pat’s counting back 13 years …

Pat was making a point of saying to Susan that she’d really enjoyed meeting Kylie.

As they’re chatting about how nice Kylie is, Susan mentioned that Kylie has a brother. Who is a teenager.

Pat’s surprised to hear that (Kylie hadn’t mentioned her brother Rick). And her ears particularly seemed to prick up at the mention of his age.

She later corners Susan to ask a bit more.

[Pat] “And Kylie’s brother Rich, you say he’s a teenager … 13? …right?”

So.

John Archer died 25th February 1998.

John has always had a thing for Sharon, even before he’d been seeing Hayley. He cheated on Hayley with Sharon.

And not long after all of that, John died.

So.

John died 13 years ago. Rich is 13.

John = Rich’s dad?

Certainly seems to be what Pat is thinking.

Odds on for John to be exhumed before Christmas?

The Archers Friday 30th September 2011: Nic won’t take Will’s aggression

• Brian hit a pheasant
• Andrew’s upset Nic (again)
• Jolene’s organising the barn dance
• Kenton and Jolene’s love nest
• Harry’s scaring folks
• Tony tries Jennifer
• Clarrie doesn’t punch Derek Fletcher
• Will doesn’t know what he’s like

Brian hit a pheasant

And gave it to Will.

[Will] “It was a nice clean bang on the head … when it’s fresh road kill, there’s no shot to worry about”

Andrew’s upset Nic (again)

Seems he was on at her again about her wanting to know what’s going on in his life – and gave her a bit of a dressing down in front of the kids.

[Will] “He’s got a nerve … he can’t speak to you like that Nic!”

But Nic reckons that’s just what Andrew is like – and there’s no point in getting upset about it.

What’s more – she doesn’t want to hear Will getting all macho.

[Nic] “I can’t bear this … I can’t bear you being with Andrew like you’ve been with Ed … leave it Will, you don’t understand”

Jolene’s organising the barn dance

For the harvest supper.

I still don’t get why they didn’t just have the supper at The Bull again.

But Jolene doesn’t seem bothered.

Looks like The Bull is doing just fine at the moment.


Kenton and Jolene’s love nest

Jolene was telling Kenton that the offer to move in is still open. He can move in when he feels the time is right.

Kenton feels the time is right now.

And Elizabeth has given her blessing.

(how very generous of her!)


Harry’s scaring folks

His pining for Zofia is a wee bit off-putting.

[Jolene] “He seems to be able to clear a space around him in 30 seconds flat”

Tony tries Jennifer

Tony and Pat haven’t said it out loud – but looks like they’re now trying the Bank of Aldridge after their failed attempts at the Bank of Peggy.

Tony’s round seeing Jennifer (who is “quite hoarse after talking to Kate”)

[Tony] “It feels as if we’re staggering from one crisis to another”

Jennifer makes lots of sympathetic noises, and agrees that he and Pat really shouldn’t be hassling Peggy while she’s so stressed, but utterly; sidesteps Tony away from even being able to ask her if she and Brian would help.

[Jennifer] “Of course, these are difficult times for everyone, I’m afraid … well, do you want some more coffee Tony?”

So – Bank of Aldridge is not open either.

Who does that leave?

Lilian and Matt.

That’ll be interesting …


Clarrie doesn’t punch Derek Fletcher

Clarrie had a grand time during her first shift as a volunteer at the Village shop.

[Clarrie] “It were great to be behind the counter dealing with people”

She even coped with that Derek Fletcher when he came in,

[Clarrie] “I just said good morning and took his money”

So moral victory for Clarrie – she feels useful – and enjoys the banter.


Will doesn’t know what he’s like

Nic and Will are still have a bit if a bargy about Andrew.

Will wants to ‘have a word’. Nic wants him to stay away.

[Nic] “You do know what you’re like Will. You must”

[Will] “No. I don’t … “

Will reckons that he’s been really trying n(for Clarrie’s sake) to get on with Ed. But is doesn’t sound like Nic is convinced it’ll last.

[Nic] “It’s always a competition between you. And it’s been violent in the past, hasn’t it. We’re all treading on eggshells”

Nic’s worried that Will will behave as Will always does – and in the process ruin their relationship.

They’ve been having such a nice time together recently, and she feels Andrew could be part of making it all go horribly wrong.

So message is clear – Will’[s to shut up, stay away from Andrew and out up with Andrew treating Nic like muck.