The Archers Wednesday 22nd June 2011: Mistress of the Paddocks at Book Club

• Susan’s not as daft as she speaks
• “A select little group”
• Ed calls Oliver
• “covane oeuvre” … maybe not
• “there was far too much riding for my liking”
• Has Usha lost a few IQ points?
• “They were at it all over the place!”
• Brian …ahem … I mean, Brian …no, damn it, I meant Byron!
• No.3 is even nosier
• What was that Jim? You want to be Christine’s garden boy?
• Who is Carinthia Hart?
• All’s well that ends (well), with Susan choosing the book ..

Susan’s not as daft as she speaks

(would normally be ‘as she looks’, but we can’t see her …)

Susan can be quite a canny lady sometimes.

As she and Pat meet at the Book Club:

[Susan] “Pat, it’s not just me is it … this book we’ve had to read … are we really sure it’s made up … it’s all about Brian, isn’t it, you know, that thing he had with …"

[Pat] “… Mandy Beesborough”

Jennifer answers the door to them before they can reveal more.


“A select little group”

No Caroline. No Lynda. Richard Thwaite has a cold. And Joe seems to have disappeared completely.

If word had got round that the book was based on Ambridge folks, I would have thought at least 3 out of those 4 would have been desperate to attend.

And I do hope Joe’s bad cough has returned. Probably best that Richard stayed away, with his “cold”.


Ed calls Oliver

For once it wasn’t Oliver stalking Ed.

Ed’s call even interrupted Oliver watching the tennis (what tennis tournament would that be, then …).

Ed arranges to pop over later on.

At first, Ed is stunned by walking into such a large, tidy house (though I would have thought that would have more to do with seeing it being lived in by the Sterlings rather than the Grundys - flash from the past?).

[Ed] “Somewhere that’s so tidy, and big and quiet …”

Ed reckons he’s absolutely shattered. He somehow didn’t notice this much hassle as when George was born (hmmm … interesting).

So he apologies to Oliver for being short with him, even though Oliver thinks Ed’s doing a “remarkable” job.

And so it came to pass – Ed listened to me (look at my blog from yesterday) and asked Oliver to work with him,

Oliver didn’t miss a beat in saying yes! He’ll be doing one or two afternoon milkings, starting on tomorrow morning (to get his hand back in).

Ed gets an extra hand, Oliver has something to do. So all’s well then?

But, keep an eye on Oliver saying that this would give Caroline “a taste of her own medicine” …


“covane oeuvre” … maybe not

[Jim] “Hadn’t we better make a start on the covane oeuvre you selected for out delectation?”

[Jennifer] “I feel I should be the first to say that … it wasn’t what quite what I expected … and it may not even be a very good example of its kind … so I think it might be best if we don’t actually focus on this book at all, and talk about the genre.”

Pat jumps in to agree. That they should talk about romantic fiction, chicklit … or ‘henlit', as Jim calls Mistress of the Paddocks

[Jim] “I mean, none of them’s in the first flush”

He reckons ‘Byron’ is well into his forties, and ‘Jinny’ has grown up children.

[Jim] “Oh don’t talk to me about her. What a prize pain she was”

[Pat] “Do you think so? I had a lot of sympathy for her.”

As did Susan.

[Jim] “You must have been reading a different book! Whinging on with her airs and graces and her literary pretentions … no wonder poor old Byron feel for the temptations of the comely Miranda”

[Pat] “Oh I don’t like her at all, even though she was meant to be the heroine”

[Susan] “She was obviously out to get her into hooks into … em …Byron from the start”

[Pat] “Talk about Miranda Birdsaw … Miranda Bedsore!”

Phew! Round one to Pat and Susan – Jinny’s honour is protected, while Miranda’s painted as the village bicycle.



“there was far too much riding for my liking”

So said Jim. And I’m not exactly sure whether he did mean “riding” as in horses, or “riding” as in adult liaisons.

Either way, he was very glad to see the words ‘the end’.


Has Usha lost a few IQ points?

I, at first, mistook Usha talking for Shula talking.

They’re not similar, but Usha kept going on about how she’s never read romantic fiction, but she’d now like to. She even said she wanted to borrow Susan’s Jilly Coopers. BUT later then said she wouldn’t like to read anything like this again.

Eh?

And what on earth was Usha doing thinking it was “clever” that Byron and Jinny literary rode off into the sunset?

As for her take on the “rumpy pumpy”


“They were at it all over the place!”

Jennifer tries to again steer to conversation away from the book, onto more generic topics.

She asks whether it was a good evocation of the countryside – whether, as it was written by a local author, Borchester was recognisable.

[Jim] “Only as the setting for a vast amount of rumpy pumpy

[Usha] “It was pretty torrid stuff”

[Jim] “They were at it over all over the place … barns, woods, behind hedges, horse boxes, the back of his 4x4 …”

[Usha] “I thought that was a bit risky”

What?

Out of choice between the back of a 4x4, or a horse box, surely the 4x4 is a tad more commonplace?

But most of all – how could Usha (a) not have noticed any parallels between Byron and Brian – Jinny and Jennifer (b) Susan blurting out Brian (later on)? She’s a solicitor, for goodness sake! Noticing subtle white lies should be Usha’s bread and butter.

Usha. I’m now officially worried about you.



Brian …ahem … I mean, Brian …no, damn it, I meant Byron!

[Jim, on Jilly Cooper – which he claims never to have read) “Her heroes are attractive rogues, unlike Byron here, they’re not actually callous”

[Usha] “Yes, the bit that got me … was when Byron is at the races with Miranda when Jinny is actually giving birth to the baby that’s supposed to be their make-up baby. Why Jinny still wanted him back after that …”

[Susan] “Well, she loves him, doesn’t she?”

(Usha then calls Jinny a doormat)

[Pat] “I think you have to understand that Jill was very vulnerable at that time”

[Susan] “Exactly, I mean she just had a baby, and Brian … I mean …”

(oooooops!)

[Jennifer, quite frantically] “Biscuits! Biscuits!!! … oh, I forgot to bring them through”

And off she goes, also to get Pat another coffee (at her request), while Susan nips to the toilet.

Jim was a tad miffed as he felt they were just getting going.

[Susan] “Oh Pat, do you think anyone noticed when I said Brian?”

[Pat] “This is awful. We’ll have to do something!”

No.3 is even nosier

That Jonti Waters, though he’s yet to speak for himself, is making folks ever increasingly annoyed.

First a constantly barking dog. Then motorbike revving. And now music, loud and late – also loud and early.

Tom has been round to ask it to be turned down. And seemingly Lilian is writing him a letter.

Well, Brenda will technically be writing it ..

[Jim] “Noise pollution, it’s the scourge of modern life”

Did anyone else ever see Pacific Heights?


What was that Jim? You want to be Christine’s garden boy???

How very kinky.


Who is Carinthia Hart?

After having a momentary group gossip, Pat and Susan tag team to close down the discussion about Mistress of the Paddocks.

That it was rubbish, and they shouldn’t waste anymore time on it.

[Pat] “Airport fiction … caricature characters seething with exaggerated emotions, stereotypical responses …”

[Susan] “Unbelievable plots”

[Usha] “I have to say I quite enjoyed, in a sort of gruesomely fascinated way, but I wouldn’t want to read another like it”

[Jim] “And it doesn’t stand up to proper literary scrutiny”

[Pat] “All credit (to Jennifer) for trying to bring a new author to our attention”

[Usha] “Who is Carinthia Hart anyway?”

[Jim] “It’s obviously a pseudonym”

Bets are on folks!

Who is Carinthia?

I’ll have £10 on it being Christine.



All’s well that ends with Susan choosing the book ..

So, no more book club until September, and Susan is choosing the next book.

I’d normally think that was a bad idea, but she really could only improve on Jennifer’s choice!

[Susan] “Oh! What an evening. I’m shattered!”

As is Pat, but they think they got away with sparing Jennifer’s blushes. Neither Usha nor Jim noticed

Actually – I also hope that Jennifer didn’t notice their efforts. Is she did notice, she certainly wasn’t very grateful!

The Archers Tuesday 21st June 2011: Vicky talks sense (shocker!)

• The Return of Vicky
• Trust Kate? In what sense?
• “ran away with some crusties”
• Give Oliver a job, Ed
• All part of growing up?
• Leftover food at good parties?
• “I want my tea!”
• Ed isn’t getting any

The Return of Vicky

(there’s a lot of folks returning to the secret microphones these days. Must have been let out for the summer …)

In my mind, Vicky is a bit dense, and certainly loud.

But, she does often come out with quite astute ponderings.


Trust Kate? In what sense?

Is that an oxymoron? Trust Kate???

Hayley is telling Vicky how worried she is about Phoebe going to South Africa for a year. With Kate.

It’s not been completely decided as yet, but Hayley thinks it’s inevitable.

She’s outnumbered.

[Hayley] “I might be able to cope with it, just, if I trusted Kate”

Later on, Phoebe reassures Hayley that she will call and Skype when she’s away.

[Phoebe] “I love you too, mum”

Hmm. That would make it worse, if I was Hayley.

Handing over my beloved daughter to Kate?

I don’t even have a daughter, but would rather read the new Jeffery Archer book than do that …


“ran away with some crusties”

[Hayley, on Kate] “This is someone who, at the age of 16, ran away with some crusties … she thinks that’s normal!”

Ah – it is nice to be back in Ambridge proper after all the youf chat of Ambridge Extra.

Crusties.

A word I haven't heard in years!


Give Oliver a job, Ed

Either Oliver is completely oblivious to Ed’s frustration at his frequent visits, or he’s just that bored that he doesn’t care.

Oliver is this time visiting to see how Ed got on with the cow that he was worried about.

The cow is fine. Ed did call the vet as Oliver said), but there wasn’t anything really amiss (As Ed said).

Later on, Emma again tries to tell Ed that Oliver is only hanging around as he’s bored, and he cares (for both Ed and the business).

[Emma] “I’m sure he’s like to help you, if you’d let him”

Not sure what Ed actually expected of being self-employed (late nights and paperwork as fairly par for the course), but he is letting his pride getting in the way of a situation that would help him, and Oliver.

Give Oliver a nominal type job. Then everyone’s happy.


All part of growing up?

Vicky thinks Kate actually feels at a disadvantage, as Hayley gets more time with, and knows Phoebe, far better than she does.

[Vicky] “Kate really does love her, you know.”

Vicky also reckons that Lucas must be a good influence on Kate, as he’s quite sensible.

(hmmm. Not so sure about that one. Lucas did marry Kate … how sensible was that?)

[Vicky] “I think what you’re feeling, love, is part of Phoebe growing up anyway”

So – Vicky reckons Phoebe would be, in one way or another, trying to assert her independence. And that Kate doesn’t have any bad intentions.

All probably true.

BUT. This is Kate we’re talking about.

One can only ever expect the worst.


Leftover food at good parties?

[Phoebe] “It’s only the bad parties where the food gets eaten”

Oh.

Really?

I wish someone had told me that.

I must have been throwing bad parties for year.

But not to worry. It would seem party bags are still okay.

And still the case that boys stand round the edge of the dance floor watching, while girls get in the middle and do a dance routine.

Phew!




“I want my tea!”

So says George.

He best get canny to his mum’s moods, and soon.

He’s likely to be wearing his tea if he keeps nipping the rather stressed and tired Emma.


Ed isn’t getting any

Neither is Emma, come to that.

[Emma] “I’m sorry we don’t get time to talk, or anything else these days …”

But it’s not just Emma’s fault. Ed’s knackered as well.

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 21st June 2011: Chas in hospital

• Chas got what was coming?
• Chas, good looking?
• If you missed every episode of Ambridge Extra up to today …
• Team Rhys Vs Team Harry
• Inside of Jamie is a nice boy trying to get out
• Chris to the rescue!
• Marty fancies Fallon

Chas got what was coming?

I’m no advocate of violence.

There are far more brutal ways of exacting revenge on a foe …

But I also can’t say that I’ll lose any sleep over Chas being beaten up to the point that he’s unconscious, on a ventilator.

It would seem that, unlike Chas, Lesley isn’t just all talk.

Alice is blaming herself. She reckons that if she had gone away with Chas, none of this would have happened.

Eh?

Surely it’s Chas’ actions that brought this on.


Chas, good looking?

Paulie reckons Chas’ mum is a real looker. And said that was where Chas must get it from.

That’s funny.

I’ve always thought of Chas as a bit of a weedy, but tall, chap. And bit of a chinless wonder without much sparkle to attract the ladies (or any friends).

But seems not so.


If you missed every episode of Ambridge Extra up to today …

… it’s okay, as Alice spent at least 5 minutes telling us (well, Paulie) about Chas. From the very beginning.


Team Rhys Vs Team Harry

After Rhys at first sounding a bit reticent about going ahead with his mountain bike, he mans up and properly challenges Harry.

[Rhys] “The Anglo-Welsh challenge race is on”

With Kirsty on Team Rhys, and Fallon on Team Harry.

Folks can also back a team by pledging beer money, with the loosing team buying the drinks.



Inside of Jamie is a nice boy trying to get out

Jamie seems to be spending most of his wages on getting taxis over to Natalie’s house.

[Jamie] “I don’t wanna buy things with it … I’d rather see you”

Aw. What a wee sweetie.

Jamie is even showing signs that he’s starting to use his brain, and is beginning to understand Kathy.

[Jamie] “As long as I eat with her now and then, and don’t throw toys out of my pram … you know, just try to get on, it’s less hassle that way … and if I wash up and then or watch something on telly with her, she’s that grateful that she isn’t bothered what I do the rest of the time.”

(well, still a wee bit calculating, but he is a teenage lad)

BUT – that’s all until Steve and Marty are back in the picture.

Jamie is later (or the next day – hard to tell with Ambridge Extra) is hanging out with Steve and Marty. They start of civilised – having a coffee in Jaxx at Jamie’s insistence. But soon move onto mischief.

This time, it’s trying to steal a car.

Steve manages to get in (using a Slim Jim nicked from Spud’s dad), but manages to pick the one “old banger” that has an alarm.

Thick boys.

They run away, and seem to have a wonderful time doing so.

Or, at least Marty and Steve had a real buzz nearly stealing a car.

Jamie didn't sound so keen.


Chris to the rescue!

Alice calls Chris to tell him about Chas. Worried that Alice had met Lesley (the bloke who beat Chas up), and also worried that the folk after Chas won’t know Alice isn’t involved – Chris arrives to make sure his lady wife is safe.

Alice tells him about Chas’ ‘shark’ activities. But Chris doesn’t seem too worried about the money Chas has lent him.

Might still come back to bite Chris on the bum, though.


Marty fancies Fallon

And Steve is just gross.

Marty can barely grunt at Fallon when she says hello to him (struck dumb by her sheer beauty, so he was).

But Steve …

[Steve] “And I’m Steve. How you doing, sweetheart … care to join us for a little something … or a not so little something …”

What a mucky pup.

The Archers Monday 20th June 2011: Elizabeth asks Shula to take David’s place

• Brian likes the odour of school
• Elizabeth really meant it
• Jennifer worried about being left alone with Brian?
• The cows weaken a post by scratching
• It gets worse for David
• The plot of Mistress of the Paddocks
• Is Byron based on Brian?

Brian likes the odour of school

[Brian] “That smell, the smell of school …”

Brian, Jennifer and Ruairi are in seeing a potential boarding school – which is bringing back very happy memories indeed for Brian. He reckons his time at boarding school were the best days of his life …

[Jennifer] “thanks very much!”

It would seem Ruairi is delighted with the school, but Jennifer is actually now not sounding so sure.

The only enthusiasm Jennifer can muster up is

[Jennifer] “they seem to know how to feed them there”

Elizabeth really meant it

Elizabeth didn’t write that letter to David and Ruth without first being utterly resolved to removing them as named guardian for Lily and Freddie in her will.

Elizabeth is asking Shula for her and Alistair to be their guardians, if something happens.

Shula is aghast.

[Shula] “Do you have to? I know how you fell about him at the moment …but surely … is this really necessary? Hasn’t he suffered enough?”

[Elizabeth] “I’m suffering too. Do you think this what I want? How can I have the person who took Freddie and Lily’s father away caring for them if anything happened to me?”

Shula tries to tell Elizabeth to wait, to think about it over time. But Elizabeth has made up her mind.

Elizabeth also forces Shula to make a decision – saying she’ll have to look elsewhere (even outside of the family … yikes!) if Shula doesn’t say yes.

[Shula, very reluctantly] “Of course we would do it. I just hate feeling like I have to take sides”

Elizabeth reckons this is all for Freddie and Lily’s sake, and that she also has to feel comfortable with arrangements, in case anything doesn’t happen to her.

I can see Elizabeth’s point. Of course no parent would want something they don’t trust as their child’s guardian.

But, as we all know, Elizabeth is overreacting.

Completely.



Jennifer worried about being left alone with Brian?

Or, to be more exact, being left alone without Ruairi and Phoebe – with Brian busy elsewhere.

[Brian] “And just think about it darling. In-between times, there will be more time for us …I admit I haven’t always been as good as my word in the past … but I really think Jenny this is our time”

Jennifer isn’t convinced. Brian will be busy with The Mart. Then they’ll always be something else.



The cows weaken a post by scratching

Using the post to scratch again, rather than somehow clawing it (cause that would be odd for a cow to do).



It gets worse for David

[David] “How could she think it Ruth … whatever she thinks of me, how could she possibly think i would do my upmost for Freddie and Ru8th if anything happened to her … that we would?”

Obviously (and rightly) still upset after receiving Elizabeth’s letter, David’s hit a new all-time low.

But … it gets even lower.

Shula turns up, to tell David and Ruth that she’s so sorry. Sorry that Elizabeth has removed them from being Freddie and Lily’s guardians – and sorry that she and Alistair have had to take their place.

[Shula] “She practically blackmailed me … I’m so sorry”

David and Ruth didn’t know that Elizabeth was going to ask Shula, so it comes as yet another blow. It makes it all absolute and final.

It also makes David feel that there’s no point in anything, especially his work at Brookfield.

[David] “I promised dad I’d run it for the good of the family … and look at what I’ve done to the family”

Ruth is absolutely furious.

While Ruth can see that Shula had no choice, she also thinks Elizabeth is not behaving rationally

[Ruth] “It’s like an obsession with her”

Ruth wants to go and see Elizabeth (probably to have a hair pulling match), but David reckons there’s nothing anyone can do.

*sigh*

Just when David was being a bit more upbeat.

Better keep a close eye on sharp implements, long lengths or rope and all pills.

Think we’re back to David suicide watch.


The plot of Mistress of the Paddocks

As read by Mr Brian Aldridge.

[Brian] “Avid horsewoman Miranda Birdsaw is used to taming stallions. But When she falls for married local landowner Byron Ridgeway has she met her match”

He also reads a passage out from the book – something about a combine, and “ears of barley whispering against his thighs”

Does sound rather awful.


Is Byron based on Brian?

Jennifer sounded rather furious after she’d (finally) finished Mistress of the Paddocks.

Could just be because she was still upset about Ruairi and Phoebe, but …

… we know that the author is local – and that she (or he) has based some of the characters on locals (according to Pat).

Married local landowner, having an affair … who else could it be?

Jennifer seems to think it’s Brian. She tries to give him a heart attack with too much cream.

(to be fair, Brian might need to learn that you don’t have to eat something just because someone has put it on your plate).

The Archers Sunday 19th June 2011: Not a happy Father’s Day for David

• Washing, walking cows and warble fly
• 25 years of The Snells
• Joe likes Llamas?
• Jill sounds more annoyed than worried
• Will Ambridge beat Darrington?
• Sensual oils for Robert
• James and Leonie are still an item
• “A lovely villagey event”
• Elizabeth takes being unreasonable to a whole new level

Washing, walking cows and warble fly

David’s still at the Three Counties show – and is delighted when Josh. Ben (and Ruth) turn up with a card for him (pip is still studying).

[Josh, eloquent as ever] “Yeah, happy dad’s day and all that”

Seemingly Josh hosed down, while Ben and Ruth walked the cows, to be able to get to see David early.

And David was in splendid mood.

He’d stayed up later having a yarn with other farmers – with some bloke called Len (who was showing a Welsh Black) telling a very funny story about warble fly.

[Ruth] “Sounds hilarious”

Guess you just had to be there.

Later on, David and Ruth hit the ice cream.

Steady on!


25 years of The Snells

Blimey!

[Lynda] “Then we drove into Ambridge, and our fate was sealed”

(could say the same for all of us eavesdroppers as well!).

Enjoying a day gardening, Robert and Lynda are reflecting how they came to live in Ambridge (they drove around, and found it).

Robert had been worried at first about the move – whether they’d fit in – but Lynda reckons they’re now a fair few steps assimilated than folks like the Noakes and the Thwaites.

Hmmm.


Joe likes Llamas?

[Lynda] “Joe’s an old friend now, he often drops by to say hello to the Llamas”

Really?


Jill sounds more annoyed than worried

Chatting to Shula about Elizabeth, Jill’s starting to seem more frustrated and angry than concerned:

[Jill] “Only because she needs me for the children”

But Jill is delighted that Elizabeth has asked Shula to go and see her tomorrow. Jill reckons it might be Elizabeth asking Shula for advice on how she can make things up with David.

Even if I didn’t know what happened later on today, I wouldn’t have put money on it.


Will Ambridge beat Darrington?

(at cricket, this afternoon)

No-one’s sure.

It’s a worry.



Sensual oils for Robert

Ah – see, Lynda does care.

Robert’s a bit stiff after gardening, so Lynda offers to run him a nice hot bath, with some of her sensual oils, to sooth his pain and as a treat for father’s day.

Lucky boy.


James and Leonie are still an item

[Robert] “James still seems to be working his magic on Leonie”

I would quite like more of Lilian, Matt, Lynda and Snell having to hob-nob as in laws.

You just know they won’t agree on whether to have plain or chocolate …


“A lovely villagey event”

Is what Robert came up with, in answer to Lynda’s concerns about what the Britain in Bloom committee could do to raise funds.

[Robert] “Open gardens, in the village”

[Lynda] “A lovely villagey event, oh you are clever Robert!”

And what’s more, Lynda can also have their 25th Ambridge anniversary as a garden party.

Simply superb.


Elizabeth takes being unreasonable to a whole new level

(I would have said ‘to a whole new height’, but that would have been crass …)

When Ruth and David get home, David finds a letter from Elizabeth in their post.

[David] “Oh my god … oh no …”

[Ruth, reading the letter] “ …’changing my will’ … ‘remove you and Ruth as Freddie’s and Lily’s guardians’ …”

My word.

Elizabeth is now verging on hysterically evil.

The Archers Friday 17th June 2011: The Three Counties

• Jem and Bella are off to the Three Counties
• Pip tackles Elizabeth
• A watched inbox never receives email
• Jennifer still can’t read
• Brian’s lost his appetite?
• Sex and the Strawberries
• Regional forums and zero grazing
• Aw, that’s a shame

Jem and Bella are off to the Three Counties

Josh may not have been allowed to take the day off school to go to the Three Counties, but Jem and Bella certainly are. They even had a final brush up.


Pip tackles Elizabeth

Not literally, but fair to her for having the nerve to call and then go and see Elizabeth.

Pip wanted to see if Elizabeth would still give her a job (as she promised to), and Pip was quite annoyed by Elizabeth for not sending Ruth a birthday card.

Elizabeth was really happy to hear from and see Pip. She claimed she’s forgotten all about arranging a job for Pip – Elizabeth reckoned, in her head, it was already arranged.

So no problem there. Pip headed off to speak with Lorna, and the job is arranged.

Pip gets a text from her folks about the Three Counties, so then uses it as an in to mention that it was Ruth’s birthday yesterday. Elizabeth responds that she hopes Ruth had a nice day:

[Ruth] “She did, except, well, she didn’t get a card from you”

Elizabeth at first tries to claim bad memory again, but soon admits that she hadn’t just forgot.

[Pip] “You really did it on purpose!”

[Elizabeth] “Not exactly Pip. I just couldn’t send her one … this thing with your father. It goes deep. Very deep. I’m sorry”

[Pip] “Well, mum was sorry too. I just though you should know”

Good on you Pip for standing up to Elizabeth.

Maybe if more folks did, Elizabeth wouldn’t be getting away which such senseless and hurtful behaviour.



A watched inbox never receives email

Brian’s up early, anxiously waiting for email from council about whether the supermarket wants to go ahead with the old Mart site.

Not sure why Brian thinks that any council worker is working before 10am (flexi time means they sometimes stay late, but never early).

He’s hoping beyond hope that the supermarket has found a better place to build – he’s still not convinced that this plan is a good one.

But alas.

For once – it’s actually a “all systems go” from the Council


Jennifer still can’t read

Despite staying up all night, Jennifer is still no further on with Mistress of the Paddocks.

This is all very odd.

I’m back to thinking it is one of hers.


Brian’s lost his appetite?

Brian reckons that Zofia has got “mesmerising blue eyes”.

Just the eyes?

Brian must be slowly up if he judges a woman by her eyes …

He isn’t too impressed by Jazzer and Harry’s desperate plans to try and get her attention.

[Brian] “I’m sure she can do better ...”

And for once, he didn’t mean that he would be “better”.


Sex and the Strawberries

[Brian] “How are things up at Sex and the Strawberries … no pistols at dawn in the poly tunnels?”

Adam was worried that Jazzer and Harry’s jostling for Zofia would result in a bill for damages from the Pottery.

But it would seem that all was very sedate, as Zofia spent most of the time looking after her sick mate.


Regional forums and zero grazing

David’s having a grand old time at the Three Counties.

Lots of food for thought (well, cattle becoming food for thought), and he’s feeling refreshed for getting away from home.

[David] “It’s good to get away, it gets you a different perspective on things”

And not just the farm.

He apologises to Ruth for Elizabeth for not sending her a birthday card. Not that it’s his fault – but he’s sorry for the situation which has meant Elizabeth is being so obstinate.

[Ruth] “Elizabeth has this completely out of proportion”

Well, not exactly, Ruth.

In Elizabeth’s mind, David killed Nigel.

So not sending his wife a birthday card would be well within proportion, I would say.


Aw, that’s a shame

Despite Jem and Bella looking “beautiful”, they didn’t win anything.

Seemingly the competition was too strong.

Josh will be upset, but I doubt Jem and Bella will be bothered.

After all, a day out from the field is a day out from the field.

The Archers Thursday 16th June 2011: The Trip to the Potters

• Ruth’s birthday
• Pickers and Pottery
• The cows are drying off?
• Zofia likes Robbie Williams
• Spencer is already fetching cake
• Jazzer can be quite crass indeed

Ruth’s birthday

And she’s having a lovely time.

She’s had a lie-in. A “fantastic” breakfast. Presents (sounded like a DVD, dressing gown and tickets to a concert – wonder who the gig is? Seems to be an old favourite who are quite loud … hmmmm).

She even got a card from Kenton AND Jolene. Blimey.

With Jill, Kenton, Shula, Daniel (and possibly Alistair) on their way, Ruth’s well chuffed.

She was a bit affronted when Pip suggested she sit on her bum and watch her new DVD.

[Ruth] “Watch television in daylight?”

And worse still – no card from Elizabeth.

As Pip said – how petty can Elizabeth get?

Pretty petty, it would seem.


Pickers and Pottery

[Harry] “You’re not interested in pottery!”

[Jazzer] “What makes you say that?”

[Harry] “You don’t even use plates, half the time …”

Harry is a tad perturbed that Jazzer is also on the Pickers’ Pottery Trip. Especially as he still seems to think that Macbeth was rubbish as a murder mystery as they knew who did it …

Harry does get his prized seat, right next to Zofia. But Jazzer managed to get a seat nearby.

The two of them then spend the rest of the journey trying to outdo each other in trying to prove who knows more about pottery. Jazzer’s printed information off from the internet – Harry knows deeper detail, but less of it.

But the real kicker?

Zofia isn’t interested in pottery.


The cows are drying off?

Anyone like to enlighten me what the process looks like?


Zofia likes Robbie Williams

[Jazzer] “ …it’s no as old as Stoke on Trent …”

[Zofia] “I wish we were (going there) … this is where Robbie Williams is coming from”

Just how old is Zofia, by the way?


Spencer is already fetching cake

From Jill’s, no less.

I feel a wedding ahoy …



Jazzer can be quite crass indeed

[Jazzer] “I might not no much about this art farty stuff …”

[Harry] “But you know what you like?”

[Jazzer] “Aye ah dae… and that’s women. Let the better player take a crack at goal …”

[Harry] “This isn’t a real football match, I have real feelings for this girl”

[Jazzer, audibly leering] “So have I mate, so have I”

Ambridge Extra Thursday 16th June 2011: Chas gets a right kicking*

(*metaphorically)

• Do young people get hangovers that bad?
• Natalie gives Jamie a second chance
• Lesley knows where Chas lives
• Mia's shoes fall apart … what?
• Chas really is a looper
• Fallon’s fandango
• Wales Vs England
• ’ello Chas

Do young people get hangovers that bad?

Jamie’s seems to have lasted two days.

When I was a younger ‘un I could drink myself stupid and still function the morning after. Not the case now, I’m afraid.


Natalie gives Jamie a second chance

Lucky boy.

He doesn’t seem to remember much about what he’d done at Spud’s party. He calls Natalie after she doesn’t answer his text.

She’s annoyed. He begs. And she agrees to meet with him.

[Jamie] “Oh, I was being a prat again., wasn’t I?”

Natalie concurs, but reckons it was more Steve’s fault for getting Jamie so drunk.

[Natalie] “If it was a mission to put me off you, they succeeded”

But – it’s not a permanent state of mind, and she forgives.


Lesley knows where Chas lives

Alice answers the door to Lesley. He’s looking to speak to Chas but he isn’t in. Lucky for Chas.

[Alice] “He didn’t look like a Lesley, but he was very polite”

(eh? Are blokes called Lesley generally impolite?)

Chas audibly falls apart when he hears that Lesley has been round.

Which made for very pleasant listening, indeed.

I generally see the good in people. But Chas. Definitely, not, Chas.


Mia's shoes fall apart … what?

Rhys and co. are getting everything ready for Fallon’s surprise Glamping party, when Fallon calls Nic.

Fallon’s got two passes to the gym, so suggests she and Nic can train there rather than go for a walk – with the added bonus of a sauna after.

[Nic] “Oh, flip!”

She later calls Fallon back to say that she was out on a walk with Mia and Jake (up Lakey Hill), when Mia’s shoes fell to bits. She can’t manage to get back on her own, so she needs Fallon’s help. It has to be Fallon, not anyone at Brookfield with a 4x4 (as Fallon pointed out – it’s Brookfield’s land).

Sorry – but did Nic say that Mia’s shoes had fallen apart?

Her shoes?

What?

How does that ever happen?

Either I have lived a life far less, or Fallon will believe absolutely anything!


Chas really is a looper

[Chas] “We have to get away”

Chas has lost the plot, and is trying to drag Alice down with him.

He explains what the problem is. That he lends money, and it’s blown up in his face.

[Alice] “Chas, you’re a loan Shark?!?”

[Chas] “But these people, they’re that rubbish … what do you expect with that sort of trash?”

He mentions that he’d lent money to Jackie (which then led to her running away), and that he charges high interest because these people are indeed just that rubbish.

Alice asks if has ever hurt anyone, he claims he’s just broken a few things.

[Chas] “I’m not safe here anymore. He’ll kill me, Alice”

[Alice] “Oh my god, Chas, you poor thing!”

(what’s that Alice? You are you, these days??? He’s just told you he has made money off of desperate people – he’s surely brought this on himself?)

So, Chas has decided that he and Alice will run away together. He’s already bought the Eurostar tickets to Paris.

[Chas] “Then we can be together, anywhere in Europe”

[Alice] “What do you mean we? Be together? Us?”

[Chas] “You must know I love you. And I know you feel the same. You love me, don’t you?”

[Alice] “ …as a friend”

[Chas] “No, that’s because you haven’t allowed yourself to see it for what it is. You’re trying to be loyal to Chris … but deep down inside, you know we’re made for each other, we’re soul mates Alice, just be honest with yourself. You can’t tell me you never dreamed about it”

[Alice] “No … of course I’ve thought , if things were different …”

So that’s that. Chas has heard that Alice wants to be with him, and will run away with him.

If Chas wasn’t such a looper, he’d have heard Alice being honest, but not that enthusiastic about him, or running away.

Later on, he’s at Eurostar waiting for Alice. But her phone is turned off.

He waits. And waits.

He even tries to stop the last train leaving for “his girlfriend”. When it leaves, he cries out a very loud (and embarrassing) “Noooooooooooooooooooo!”

Hah! Couldn’t have happened to a nicer chap.


Fallon’s fandango

Fallon does fall for Nic’s rather rubbish white lie, and goes up Lakey Hill.

And … SURPRISE!

All the grand are there in their finery – they even took a choice of finery for Fallon to choose from – and Rhys even has made Fallon her own ‘Fallon Fandango’ cocktail.

[Fallon] “Oh, you, lovely people”

Wales Vs England

[Rhys] “In Wales, we don’t let a little mountain get in our way … further proof of the inferiority of the English race”

Rhys was taking Harry to task for saying that it would have been near impossible for anyone to have cycled (with a trailer) all the gear up for the glamping party.

So looks like Harry and Rhys are going to have a race.


’ello Chas

After failing to reach Alice, after failing to catch his train to Paris, Chas returns home to his flat.

To find Lesley standing outside.

“ …‘ello Chas. I’ve been waiting for you …”

Oh-ho!

Now, I don’t want Chas badly hurt, but maybe just a bit of sense knocked into him wouldn’t go amiss.

The Archers Wednesday 15th June 2011: Adam – an unlikely cupid

• Brian doesn’t get his way
• Can I go to Ruairi’s school?
• Does one generally “get used” to a noisy neighbour?
• “nice English boyfriends”
• Harry’s ready to move to Poland
• Jennifer isn’t the author of Mistress of the Paddocks?
• Lilian Vs Annabelle
• Enjoying Adam and Jennifer

Brian doesn’t get his way

Which would be a shocker, if it hadn’t just been over that rather dull Mart …

Brian didn’t want to go for an early completion date, and reckon the bonus payment from the Council wouldn’t be worth the risk.

But Lilian reckons the bonus payment more than covers the risk, and their wonderful project manager means they won’t miss the deadlines anyway. So there is no real risk.

When it went to Board vote, they went with Lilian.

[Lilian] “There are no hard feelings, I hope, the best woman won!”

Ah – a rare moment for Lilian, to be able to gloat over Brian. What bliss!


Can I go to Ruairi’s school?

[Brian] “85 acres of land, woods, little streams, children encouraged to play out there … That’s the kind of childhood we want for Ruairi”

Aye – that’s also the sort of adulthood I’d want for myself!

So looks like they’re found the perfect place for Ruairi. It’s particularly ideal not just because of the of the little streams, but also because it’s a Catholic boarding schools that “takes everyone”.

Marvellous.



Does one generally “get used” to a noisy neighbour?

On Jonti Waters at No.3 The Green

[Brian] “One man noise pollution zone, that’s what I hear”

[Lilian] “Storm in a teacup, darling. They’ll get used to him”

Hmm.

I, for once, disagree with Lilian. And wouldn’t have thought Tom and Brenda are the type to suffer even the most minor of irritations.



Adam hopes the picker “girls found nice English boyfriends”

Adam’s walking the wheat, when Harry finds him to ask if he can go on the pickers trip to Felpersham Pottery.

[Harry] “I’m quite interested in China, my mum collects it, so I can tell her all about it …"

Course, Adam isn’t daft, and knows Harry wants to go on the trip to be with Zofia.

[Harry] “It’s not very cool being so obvious … I wouldn’t like to think I’m being as crassly obvious as Jazzer”

Harry reckons that he and Zofia genuinely have something in common, whereas Jazzer really just wants to get his leg over. At least Harry can:

[Harry] “ …I can raise my gaze above her … chest”

Adam seems to agree that Harry would be a better prospect for Zofia, and is also glad that Jazzer hasn’t signed up for the Pottery outing. He said something about Jazzer being like a Bull being in a China Shop …

[Adam] “I’d rather the girls found nice English boyfriends”

Which isn’t Jazzer, I suppose. As he isn’t necessarily nice. Nor English.

(and why English? Will Welsh, Scottish, Irish, France. American, African, Turkish, Norwegian etc etc etc not do?)


Harry’s ready to move to Poland

Adam pointed out that even though Jazzer’s intentions towards Zofia may not include longevity, it is inevitable that any liaison with Zofia will be short lived. She’ll be going home to Poland after the season.

Harry then started talking about going to Poland with her, getting a job …

… steady on Harry! That sort of talk is bound to scare the lass away good and proper!



Jennifer isn’t the author of Mistress of the Paddocks?

Seemingly Jennifer is still on chapter one of Mistress of the Paddocks.

I thought she wasn’t ready it, as she’d actually written it. Unbeknownst to everyone else.

But:

[Jennifer] “It’s so tedious, full of clichés you wouldn’t believe, one a sentence … I thought rubbish was supposed to be easier to read … I’ve learned my lesson, and next time it’s Middlemarch”

So – if not Jennifer – who is the author?

They’re local, but that’s all we know.

Joe Grundy?



Lilian Vs Annabelle

Surprisingly, Annabelle back Lilian, rather than Brian, at the Board vote.

[Annabelle] “I judge the matter on its merit, you made a better case … you’ve got a good coach, haven’t you … come on Lilian, Matt’s fingerprints are all over this deal!”

[Lilian] “I think people are allowed to talk things over with their partners … oh, sorry, of course, you wouldn’t know …”

(meow!)

Annabelle, while in admiration of Matt’s business prowess, doesn’t agree with his business ethics.

As Lilian obviously still has an issue with Annabelle (Lilian thinks Annabelle may have had intimate adult moments with Matt while he and Lilian were briefly separated a while back), Annabelle has a weak spot to aim for:

[Annabelle] “I have some very fond memories if our time together … a pity it came to such a bad end …”

Didn’t Annabelle refuse Matt?

But, of course, Lilian doesn’t know that.

Meow also to Annabelle!


Enjoying Adam and Jennifer

That I am.

Adam’s on very good form at the moment, as is his mum.

They’re having a natter about Jazzer and Harry chasing after Zofia.

Adam reckoned “the gates of heavens opened” when he told Harry that he would reserve a seat next to Zofia, guaranteeing Harry ‘quality’ time with her. Of course, on their last trip out, Jazzer managed to bag that seat.

[Jennifer] “The contest of romantic archetypes”

[Adam] “Jazzer and Harry? The lout and the lover …”

[Jennifer] “They both have recognisable wooing technique”

[Adam] “ I wouldn’t call what Jazzer does wooing”

[Jennifer] “A little rough and ready maybe, but he’s only trying to sweep Zofia off her feet”

[Adam] “Or onto the nearest available flat surface”

[Jennifer] “He might have a softer side …”

[Adam] “He’s hiding it well”

[Jennifer, now talking about Harry] “Underneath that polite exterior he might be a bubbling cauldron of passion”

At that remark, Adam reckons Mistresses of the Paddocks seems to be rubbing off on Jennifer.

They’re interrupted by Jazzer telephoning to say that he now also wants to go on the Pottery trip. The news of which seems to make Adam really happy.

[Adam] “Who am I to stand in the way of primeval male forces?”

[Jennifer] “Jazzer and Harry squabbling over a strawberry picker, it’s hardly DH Lawrence”

Jennifer thinks Adam’s glee at this situation is just him amusing himself.

[Adam] “Beats looking at old China, doesn’t it?”

Indeed.

But best watch your step. Harry and Jazzer could easily turn nasty. Infact, maybe Zofia will turn nasty ... all this male attention must be quite dull.

The Archers Tuesday 14th June 2011: Cheesestraw is back

(Helen hasn’t been away – she’s just back in range of the hidden microphones)

• Kirsty is shorter then Helen
• Pat’s struggling
• Out until 11pm!
• A dog and a motorbike
• Oliver irritates Ed
• Henry fascinates Helen
• Bridge Farm’s ecosystem is doing well
• Ed upsets Oliver

Kirsty is shorter then Helen

[Kirsty] “Helen’s always saying she should have hired someone taller”

But all is seemingly well when Helen’s around, as she can at least reach the higher shelves.


Pat’s struggling

With Mistress of the Paddocks.

Pat reckons the more she reads it, the worse it gets.

So, not a great choice of Book Club book by Jennifer. Caroline’s refusing to go to the meeting, Emma was interested but hasn’t got page the first page, Susan hasn’t read it because Emma has her copy … even Jennifer doesn’t seem to be able to get into it.


Out until 11pm!

Shocking behaviour from Pat and Tony.

Still, I suppose they do have to get up early. Those carrots and lettuces won’t pick themselves.



A dog and a motorbike

No. 3 seems to be shaping up to be the neighbour from hell.

Or so it would seem, if you believe Tom (via Pat).

We haven’t heard from Jonti Waters as yet. Maybe Tom and Brenda are 24h party people, and he’s just retaliating.


Oliver irritates Ed

Oliver is at a loose end (again) as Caroline had to cancel their plans to have a day together (again).

After being sent to Ambridge Organics for some shopping (with a list, which Kirsty sorted out for him), Oliver pops in to see Ed. Again.

Ed’s already a bit worried that Oliver doesn’t trust him, so is visiting him so often because he’s checking up on him.

So finds it, this time, hard to hide his frustration at Oliver turning up (again) when he’s trying to get his work done.

Ed late vents this frustration to Emma – resulting in a bit of a set too …

Emma wasn’t in the best of moods (seemingly Keira had only stopped crying to feed), and they disagreed over Emma’s want for a new cot for Keira (George’s old cot isn’t good enough as it was second hand to begin with).

[Emma] “Don’t you want Keira to have something nice?”

Then they got onto Oliver visiting:

[Emma] “Again? He must be bored”

After telling Emma that he’d basically told Oliver to go away (that he was too busy):

[Emma] “The man saying something nice to you, and you send him away with a flea in his ear … you want sympathy? You’ve got people telling you what a great job you’re doing, I’m just here all day with a crying baby!”

Best off down the pub, if you want some sympathy, Ed.


Henry fascinates Helen

Helen’s decided she’s going to give her flat up, live at Bridge Farm and not to go back to work for another 6 months.

[Helen] “He’s so fascinating”

Crickey – Henry must be amazingly so, to change Helen from such an independent control freak (and I mean ‘freak’ in the nicest sense of the word … if there is one!) into living with her parents and letting Kirsty crack on with the shop.

Someone called Tamsin is covering Helen’s maternity leave, and with monthly meetings with Helen, Kirsty seems to be coping.

I’m just in shock that our Helen has been replaced by such a calm and reasonable person.

Even though there is something a wee bit creepy about such all-absorbing adoration for one’s child, and I did kinda like the old Helen …

… but there are still signs that she's not all lost:

[Helen] “But, one of the good things about living here is that I can make cheese again”

Hurrah! Cheesestraw returns!


Bridge Farm’s ecosystem is doing well

And Patrick is about to do a bird survey on it.

Come a long since crack guttering in the yard!


Ed upsets Oliver

Or to be more exact, Oliver’s rather perturbed that he’s upset Ed.

Helen reckons it’s because Ed’s tired and getting things out of proportion – he’s not getting enough sleep due to Keira.

Strange that Oliver hasn’t twigged Ed might be taking his frequent visits.

And strange that Ed has twigged Oliver is indeed just bored.

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 14th June 2011: Exams are over

• Chas really is a prat
• Nic’s cunning plan
• “Sunny with the occasional scattered showers”
• Chas is threatened. Hurrah!
• Spud’s party

Chas really is a prat

[Chas] “It’s a post-feminist polemic portraying transgressive female solidarity in the face of reactionary male hegemony”

[Alice] “Looks like Lady Gaga to me”

I know he was joking, but he just isn’t funny. Or clever. Or a decent human being …

Later on, when Alice’s talking about all of the farewell parties she’s going to over the next few weeks (as exams are over and she’s leaving Uni), Chas’ diary didn’t seem to be that full.

Nae mates Chas!

And to top it all off, he later (while a bit drunk and maudlin) tries to tell Alice how much he’s going to miss living with her. I suspect, he really wanted to say that he’s in love with her.

[Chas] “Out of all the people I’ve met … you’re special, the best …”

All he gets is:

[Alice] “Aw, you big softie’”

[Chas] “You’ll have forgotten my name soon”

Here’s hoping!


Nic’s cunning plan

Nic has to come up with a reason why Fallon should go to Lakey Hill. Rhys and Kirsty are trying to make up for their previous prank (pretending they were getting engaged) by playing the rather nicer prank of a surprise ‘glamping’ party for Fallon.

Still not sure why Rhys is so adamant that Nic is the woman for the job. Especially as she’s really struggled to come up with an idea for how she’ll get Fallon up the Hill without spoiling the surprise.

So what’s Nic’s plan?

To say that she’s taking part in a sponsored work for the school.

So, she needs to train. And asks Fallon to go one of her walks with her.

Fine enough idea. Except, Nic reckons her sponsored walk is 20 miles …

20 miles!

Nic didn’t think that one through, and I reckon Fallon will twig something is awry very shortly.



“Sunny with the occasional scattered showers”

Is how Rhys is feeling today.

[Rhys] “As incompatible as chips and custard”

Is what he reckons he and Kirsty are.

Seriously, Jazzer should watch his step. He may lose his ‘wit of Ambridge’ crown.



Chas is threatened. Hurrah!

[Lesley] “You piece of crap. You need to learn some manners mate … who the hell do you think you are?”

[Chas] “I accept, on reflection, that I may have been a little excessive …”

[Lesley] “Shut up … that debt is written off, paid in full. You stay away from Reggie and forget about the money., Understand! … and here’s one more thing. I won’t forget you. If I ever come across you again, you’ll know it … you better watch your step, posh boy”

All of which puts Chas right off his lunch.

Serves Chas right. He’s a wee lad trying to play a big man’s game. It’s taking a proper big man to put him back in his place. Course, none of this would have happened if Chas hadn’t been taking advantage of desperate people in the first place.

When Chas is later out and about, Lesley spots him on the street – forcing Chas to run away like the wee laddie he is.



Spud’s party

Jamie’s exams are also over, so he’s at Steve’s party, just about to have a dance with Natalie.

[Steve] “Nah mate, you don’t want to do that”

Course he doesn’t. Watching Spud chug a beer is far better than dancing with a girl.

True to form, Jamie ends up ignoring and being rude to Natalie, so that he can get drunk with (and impress) his moronic mates.

[Natalie] “Grow up Jamie, for god sake!”

Natalie storms off. Jamie gets drunker still. Eventually ends up in such a state that he can’t be persuaded to leave the party once it’s well and truly over. Steve wants to just leave him slumped where he is. Steve does leave, but Marty stays with Jamie.

Nice work Jamie.

You’ll likely be single again, but at least you know Marty isn’t a totally useless mate.

The Archers Monday 13th June 2011: Showdown over South Africa

• Tony and Pat round at Kathy’s
• Roy and Kate talk schools
• Mistress of the Paddocks offends Caroline
• Helen and Henry live!
• Now Roy has Hayley to cope with

Tony and Pat round at Kathy’s

Jamie’s had his last exam – so Kathy is having Pat and Tony round for dinner to celebrate (Jamie’s going out with his mates).

But oh no!

Disaster!

Kathy’s run out of olive oil! What will happen to the salad dressing!?!

[Hayley] “Thank goodness for the village shop”

Indeed!

It was nice to hear Pat, Tony and Kathy have a natter, rather than any one of them stressing out over one of their kids, work, death …

… oh, there actually was mention of Sid’s death, not they moved on quite quickly.


Roy and Kate talk schools

Kate’s showing Roy schools that Phoebe could go to if he (and Hayley) lets her go to South Africa.

Her favourite is a Model C School (whatever that means). It was one that was white only during apartheid, but it has mixed children now and great facilities.

In fact, every school in South Africa seems to have great facilities (if one believes Kate) as there is such high investment in schools.

[Roy, getting angry] “I didn’t come here for a history lesson or a lecture in politics … this is my daughter that we’re talking about”

[Kate] “Our daughter …”

[Roy] “Will she be happy … you might be letting your enthusiasm for your new country run away with you, I mean think of it from Phoebe’s point of view!”

Roy is worried about Phoebe being singled out and bullied – as she’ll be different, and everything will seem very different to her.

[Kate] “Think the cathedral school with sunshine, Phoebe won’t think it’s different at all”

Roy doesn’t really buy that.

He’s also upset that the school terms are at different times, so Phoebe will arrive in the middle of a term (at which point Kate patronises him by explaining that the world’s different hemisphere’s have seasons at different times).

Kate tries the ‘you can come over to spend Christmas’. Roy comes back with:

[Roy] “Come on, money Kate! We’re not all being bankrolled by Brian!”

(which he does apologise for saying. But I think he was right enough to say so)

Then Kate goes on charm offensive.

[Kate] “All this is coming from Phoebe. I’m not trying to steal her away … maybe I haven’t always been as sensitive to you and Hayley when I’ve been visiting”

She butters him up by thanking him (and Hayley) for being so understanding when she’s around, and admits that she might be a bit OTT sometimes because the short time she gets with Phoebe “distorts everything”.

(as Roy also pointed out – it was Kate’s choice to move away from Phoebe …).

[Kate] “Can’t you and Hayley be generous for a little bit longer. For Phoebe’s sake …”

Mistress of the Paddocks offends Caroline

But it would seem it’s not because she’s a prude … Pat reckons it might be because it’s based on real people …

… the author is local …

[Pat] “ …Some of it does sound a bit familiar …”

But Pat won’t tell anyone who the author is.

(it’s Jennifer … must be).

[Kathy] “I’ll just ask Susan, I’m sure she won’t be so discreet”

Helen and Henry live!

The first mention of Helen for a fair age.

They’re still at Bridge Farm, and Helen still isn’t back at work.

Looks like the ‘new Helen’ we saw after Henry was born is still with us.


Now Roy has Hayley to cope with

Roy gets home from fencing with Kate, to:

[Hayley] “No doesn’t take very long to say …You were supposed to be going round to find good reasons for Phoebe not to go!”

Roy trips out Kate’s stats about how much South Africa invests in its schools – at that point, I was starting to agree with Hayley that he’s been brainwashed and manipulated.

[Hayley] “I’ve loved her, cared for her for 13 years, don’t I get a say in this? I’ve mothered her, not Kate … she always wants to spend time with Kate and it always goes horribly wrong”

[Roy] “Think what she’ll be like if she don’t go! She’ll never forgive us … She might even be able to visit us at Christmas …”

Oops. That last bit wasn’t clever of Roy to say.

Nor was pointing out that holidays were the only time that Kate got to have with Phoebe.

[Hayley] “That was her choice … this isn’t mine”

[Roy] “No. It’s Phoebe’s”

Hmm. Odds are on Phoebe going, unless Hayley can hold her own again Kate, Phoebe and now Roy!

The Archers Sunday 12th June 2011: Open Farm Sunday 2011

• Starts slow
• Here’s hoping Spencer is more reliable
• I love it when Usha does rural
• Those funny deer
• Those even funnier sheep
• David said “canoodle”
• Big doesn’t mean bad
• Joint birthday party next week
• Toby with red hair wants to chat about sheep

Starts slow

Brian still isn’t convinced that they should have taken on Open Farm Sunday, and he at first seems to be proved right. There are only a few ‘great unwashed’ to be seen.

[Brian] “I shall be really fed-up if we don’t do as well as Brookfield after all the work we’ve put in”

Adam tries to tell Brian that it isn’t a competition …




Here’s hoping Spencer is more reliable

Pip and Spencer are helping out at Home Farm for Open Farm Sunday. As it’s quite, they have time to plan a summer holiday, before Pip goes to Uni (assuming she gets in).

Let’s hope it’s a holiday that Pip manages to get to go on. Remember what happened last time with Jude …

To go on holiday, Pip also needs to earn a few pennies. It would seem that the only place she can get work is Lower Loxley (surely not?). Which means she’ll have to talk to Elizabeth again.

Better her than me, with the mood Elizabeth is in at the moment.


I love it when Usha does rural

Alan’s busy (it is Sunday), so Usha takes herself down to Open Farm Sunday.

I adore Usha for her complete lack of pretence that she knows anything about farming. She’s openly admits her utter ignorance, even though she is rural dwelling.

She reckons the deer calves look like Bambi.

Usha found Open farm Sunday very “thought provoking”. David reckon he enjoyed Brian’s “propaganda”.

And she got to see Bambi.


Those funny deer

While the deer mums are better looked after at Home Farm than Bambi’s mum had been, they’re still not particularly maternal.

Adam tells us that they leave deer to their own devices when they give birth. And, the deer mums leave their new borns behind tree or grass after they’ve had them. The rest of the herd don’t get to meet them for a few weeks.

Those even funnier sheep

[Adam] “(Deer are) far less determined than sheep to get into trouble … they have a death wish. They do find creative ways of getting into trouble. But I reckon they’re more intelligent that they’re given credit for”

David said “canoodle”

And worse still, he said it to Spencer and Pip.

How embarrassing for all concerned.


Big doesn’t mean bad

Or, at least that’s what Adam and Brian want folks to understand about Home Farm.

Adam won’t apologise for using sprays on his crops. He reckons organic farmers use sprays as well, and the ones he uses, he uses sparingly. After all, they cost money.

The main thrust of his and Brian’s argument is that the world needs food, so they need big food producers to produce lots of it.

And they can produce lots of food while “also looking after the bugs”.

[Brian] “Maximising yields doesn’t mean not caring about the environment or wildlife, but you do have to care about people too. And farmers have to make a profit, or we wouldn’t be here too”

Joint birthday party next week

At Brookfield. For Ruth and Usha.


Toby with red hair wants to chat about sheep

But with Adam and Brian busy, David heads off to explain more.

It wasn’t even his Open Farm Sunday, but he was happy to help. Which is more than Kate did. She was too busy researching schools for Phoebe.

The Archers Friday 10th June 2011: Jazzer and The Scottish Play

• Adam can park perfectly … with help from mum
• The Aldridge’s need to borrow the Snell’s chairs
• Upstairs, Downstairs
• Jazzer’s in fine form
• Live weight gains and finishing
• Ian’s worried about Ruairi
• Harry’s impressed by Adam’s whites
• “Two hours of doom and gloom …”
• Jennifer said ‘LOL’
• Actually, Brian’s a bit doom and gloom
• No. 3 isn’t a good ‘un?
• Jennifer doesn’t need to read Mistress of the Paddocks …

Adam can park perfectly … with help from mum

Well, it was a combine.


The Aldridge’s need to borrow the Snell’s chairs!

Did we think we’d ever see such a day?

Open Farm Sunday is really mixing up the hierarchy.


Upstairs, Downstairs

I couldn’t help thinking of Zofia as a Victorian servant when she thanked Adam and Jennifer for taking her and her fellow pickers to see Shakespeare.

It sounds like she was thanking them for getting the scraps after the banquet. Or being allowed to go see the doctor with her severed arm, right during the croquet refreshments.

But, she did then reassert herself by outright refusing Jennifer’s request for her to help out with the strawberries at Open Farm Sunday as it was her day off.



Jazzer’s in fine form

[Jazzer] “The fly in your eyes when you’re whizzing through the skies … see what I did there?”

(no – I didn’t get it either, but it sounded witty)

[Jazzer] “Shakespeare? Do me a favour. If the good lord had intended men to wear tights he’d have given us the legs to go with them”

[Harry] “That’s rich, coming from a man who wears skirts”

(steady on Harry!)

[Jazzer, on Harry wearing tie to a theme park] “You can take the man out of the building society …”

[Jazzer] “It’ll be me who she’ll be cuddling up to when the rides get scary, no the apprentice”

[Jazzer] “Roond and roond Harry Boy, she’ll be that dizzy she’ll fall into my arms”

Live weight gains and finishing

Adam is a bit worried about ‘the general public’s’ reaction to learning about what really happens to lambs.

I’m with Jennifer that folks shouldn’t be squeamish about the reality of what goes onto their dinner plate But they also missed the point that the lamb on your plate isn’t the wee cut toot leaping about the field. The ‘lamb’ is a bit more of a sheep when it heads off to slaughter …

[Adam] “I just hope some bunny hugger doesn’t jump over the gates to liberate them”

Ian’s worried about Ruairi

So says Adam.

Ian also lost his mum when he was young, and worries that boarding school won’t be the best thing for Ruairi.

But it seems it’s a done deal. Jennifer reckons Bridget wants it, and Ruairi wants, “so there we are”.



Harry’s impressed by Adam’s whites

Isn’t it nice to have a chap in Ambridge who cares about appearance, health and cleanliness, and isn’t gay?

That’s out Harry. He ain’t no stereotype!

Congratulating Adam about his part in Ambridge’s recent cricket win (yet another! This must be shaping up to be quite a good season), Harry also compliments Adam on his whites, and asks him about how he gets them so.

[Adam] “Ian does something mysterious with them before they go into the washing machine”

Harry then invites Adam and Ian over for dinner, sometime.

That’ll be a fun one.

How many times will Jazzer natter on about how many women he’s pulled, just to make sure no-one has any doubts?



“Two hours of doom and gloom …”

[Jazzer] “…when I was expecting thrills and spills”

Ah, that was a mean trick to play on a man.

Jazzer had thought the pickers outing was to a funfair.

Neither Adam, nor Harry, thought it fit to tell him that it was Macbeth. They did the exact opposite.

[Jazzer] “It’s been me who’s been kippered!”

But it wasn’t a complete disaster.

Jazzer might be a bit annoyed, but he reckoned one of the witches was a looker – and he also got to sit with Zofia on the way back.


Jennifer said ‘LOL’

Which sounded very odd indeed.


Actually, Brian’s a bit doom and gloom

[Brian, on Phoebe’s forthcoming 13th] “Well, her best years are behind her now … life only gets more complicated when you grow up”

[Brian, on Phoebe’s birthday party at the hall] “Hope that all the ducks in the village pond get their earplugs ready”

He also reckoned the catering for her party could just be as simple as opening the front door, and throwing junk food at them.

It must be him worrying about the mart.



No. 3 isn’t a good ‘un?

There was a mention that Tom’s new neighbour has a dog that never stops barking.

Oh dear.

Either Jonti Waters isn’t going to be a very well behaved Ambridge resident – or he’s already died and the dog is just trying to tell everyone!



Jennifer doesn’t need to read Mistress of the Paddocks …

… because it must be one if hers.

Surely?

[Adam] “You’re going to have to read it eventually mum to find out who the Mistress of the Paddocks really is”

The Archers Thursday 9th June 2011: Sid’s Birthday

• A cow has a grass seed in her eye
• Jamie’s gone walkabout
• Cuts to the bus service
• A fly in the butter
• Elizabeth was rude to Jill!
• Tigg only sleeps outside …
• Sweet peas on Nigel’s grave
• David looking forward to the Three Counties
• Josh films the cows being shampooed
• Alistair hands out dead dogs’ toys

A cow has a grass seed in her eye

But Alistair gets it out for her.

It had gone “pretty deep” into conjunctival sac, which meant Alistair had to use forceps.

Ouch.


Jamie’s gone walkabout

Kathy’s on the hunt for Jamie as he didn’t turn up for his RE exam.

(if you listened to today’s Ambridge Extra, you’d know he was stressed before it, and thinking a lot about his dad).

[Ruth] “Well, it’s not as if it’s English or Maths”

Nice Ruth. Very nice, comforting advice.

Kathy eventually found Jamie at the cricket pavilion.

And Jamie broke down and cried. (must admit I had a wee tear in my eye when I heard him doing so)

[Jamie] “We could have done so much together …”

[Kathy] “Yes, you could. You shouldn’t have lost him like that … No-one could have loved you more”

[Jamie] “I still miss him so much”

[Kathy] “You’re not on your own, love”

It sounded like he might have listened, and actually heard Kathy.

He even thought it would be good for Kathy to take him to school tomorrow.

The rehabilitation of Jamie continues …


Cuts to the bus service

Seemingly Jim is registering concern, on behalf of the Parish Council, about the potential forthcoming cuts to the bus service.

Shula and Alistair are talking about it, and are quite indignant. Even though they never use the buses.

[Shula] “It’s the thin end of the wedge … and I am allowed to feel outraged on others’ behalf?”

Quite right too.

I live in a rural area. My village only has one bus an hour, and it tends to not link up with any other bus times to actually get you where you want to go. I do have a van, but know of many others who rely on the buses – and when the poo hits the fan with the van, without the bus, I’d have an hour and a half walk into the nearest bit of civilisation.

Cuts to the bus service in rural areas? Good god no! Pick on urban areas for once .


A fly in the butter

Well, nearly.

[Shula to Alistair] “Oh, put the lid on the butter love, there’s a fly buzzing round”

Elizabeth was rude to Jill!

How very, very dare she!

Jill had only been trying to help out with the Twins, according to Elizabeth.

[Shula] “It’s like she’s closed ranks with the children and shut the rest of us out … it’s back to square one, she’s acting like she’s invulnerable”

Shula missed Phil (who might have been able to talk some sense into Elizabeth), and isn’t so sure that all will be well, one day.


Tigg only sleeps outside …

… so spends the rest of his time inside (when he’s not being trained).

Wonder if Tigg will ever become ‘just’ a working dog.



Sweet peas on Nigel’s grave

Shula and Jill put some sweet peas on Nigel’s grave, which was a nice touch.

There were also flowers already there. From Elizabeth?



David looking forward to the Three Counties

And will even stay there for the full three days.

[Ruth] “It will be a complete rest for him kipping two nights in a livestock trailer”

David did actually sound a lot chirpier. He was even talking about Phil, and how he managed Hereford’s for Fairbrother.

There’s a point.

Phil managed to ‘get over’ Grace, as Elizabeth will ‘get over’ Nigel?



Josh films the cows being shampooed

And David is his rather unwilling co-subject.

Each to their own, I suppose.

Josh then said ‘laters’ when he was heading off - which David takes the Michael out of him for doing.

Which is exactly what I’ve been doing with the youf language over on Ambridge Extra.

Good god.

Ambridge Extra has made me think like David …


Alistair hands out dead dogs’ toys

Which is a bit spooky and sad – but better that than the toys never get played with. Especially as Alistair gets so many of them from grieving dog owners.

Ambridge Extra Thursday 9th June 2011: Alice snogs Chas

• What’s a ‘sick’ picture?
• Nic hasn’t much of an imagination
• Sid’s birthday
• Chas breaks Reggie’s mobile phone
• Steve and Marty make plans for Jamie
• Chas cannae kiss!

What’s a ‘sick’ picture?

Marty is (again) talking rubbish to Jamie when he’s (again) trying to study.

[Marty] “Since when did you start hanging out with the nerds in the library!”

But then Marty goes on to talk about how Steve has a ‘sick’ picture of someone called Josie Watkins.

That sounds like a rather horrible picture to me – or does it mean that it’s good?

(and I’m increasingly annoyed by Ambridge Extra making me feel old when I’m only in my kid thirties).


Nic hasn’t much of an imagination

Nic still has no idea how to get Fallon up Lakey Hill for her surprise treat.

She does come up with a bit of an odd plan – to put on a treasure hunt, which Fallon would take part in, and be led up Lakey Hill as part of a clue.

Rhys quite rightly points out the major flaws in Nic’s idea – that she’d have to advertise the Treasure Hunt; that others might take part; that Fallon might be too dim to solver the clues; that Fallon may not even want to do a Treasure hunt …

… but what’s his idea? He did, after all, dump the task of getting Fallon up Lakey Hill onto Nic – when, after all, it was he and Kirsty need to make up with Fallon.

Rhys comes up with winching Fallon down from a helicopter, or strapping her to a quad bike.

Very helpful.

[Nic] “I don’t know why I’m doing this”

[Rhys] “It’s because you’re a lovely person”

(oooh – Nic and Rhys?)


Sid’s birthday

After telling Marty to go away when he was trying to study in the library, Jamie starts ranting (to, rather than at) Natalie about how he should have done more revision, months ago, rather than just before his exam.

But then the real reason for his anxiety comes out:

[Jamie] “I just miss him, alright … everything’s changed … why did it have to get screwed up … u just want things to be like they used to be?”

He’d actually been reading books about life after death, when he was in the library.

Jamie’s verdict? They were all rubbish, and he is truly on its own.


Chas breaks Reggie’s mobile phone

I’ve said it before. Chas is a right ar*e.

He’s back at Reggie’s, hassling him for money.

Unlucky for Reggie, Chas turned up early – so managed to avoid have to deal with Reggie’s brother Lesley again.

When Reggie tries to call Lesley, Chas breaks his phone. It then sounded like Chas had hit him. And made off with his telly.

Ar*e.



Steve and Marty make plans for Jamie

Steve reckons Jamie is a mummy’s boy.

So he and Marty make plans to get Jamie “completely slaughtered” on Monday night, when his exams are over.

It didn’t sound like “getting slaughtered” was meant in a good way.


Chas cannae kiss!

Alice’s final exams are over, so she’s celebrating with Paulie, and his girlfriend – drinking games first, then off to see The Undertones (a popular Hit Parade band).

Chas comes in when Paulie had been forced to admit that he’d kiss Dermot O’Leary (they’re playing truth or dare). And Alice reckons that Adam thought that Paulie was quite cute.

(and???)

Chas is in a good mood (well, he’s probably just sold Reggie’s telly for £50), and is ‘well up’ for a party.

When it’s his truth at truth or dare, Alice asks him for the truth of what he really thought when she told him she’d married Chris.

[Chas] “I thought … lucky Chris”

(aye, right you did. I’m sure there were a few more expletives in mind).

Alice’s turn. She wouldn’t tell the truth of say who she’d fantasised “shagging” at Uni – so she was dared (by Paulie’s girlfriend) to snog Chas.

So they do.

After the deed:

[Chas] “That was okay, wasn’t it?”

[Alice – without much enthusiasm] “Yeah … who is next?”

Laugh at Chas?

Yes. Yes I did.

The Archers Wednesday 8th June 2011: A year since Sid died

• Jolene and Kenton talk Sid
• Phoebe is definitely Kate’s child
• On Nigel’s birthday
• Lower Loxley to aim for the posh set?

Jolene and Kenton talk Sid

On the phone to Kenton, Jolene mentioned she’d had “a wobble this morning”.

Which is understandable. It’s not every day you wake up a year since your husband died.

Kenton takes the day off, so they head out for a wander and a good meal.

And to chat about Sid.

Remembering Sid’s funeral, Jolene still regrets that they couldn’t have the funeral at home. That the vicar doing the service knew nothing about Sid. And that it was quite a dark, gloomy day.

But “happy memories” soon come forward.

The time that Sid was driven to distraction by molehills on the cricket ground – only to discover that Kenton had been making them for a laugh.

Well, that he planted a Christmas card from Mr Mole under one of the molehills was quite funny …

[Jolene] “Sid secretly relished in the fun folks at his expense”

(really?)

It must have been a bit weird for Kenton to talk to Jolene about Sid, but he did well to do so.

Jolene felt talking about Sid had helped bring him back to life (well, surely not literally!) – and how Kenton had helped bring her back to life.


Phoebe is definitely Kate’s child

[Roy] “I always feel like I’m rolling up to the Lion’s den when I go to Home Farm”

Hayley and Roy are talking about how his chat with Phoebe went the other day.

He admits that Phoebe was so grown up when talking, that that he almost agreed to let her go to South Africa for the whole year. Hayley just reckons Phoebe can wrap Roy round finger – Roy reckons Phoebe won’t forgive them if they don’t let her go.

But what does it really boil down to?

[Roy] “Honestly Elizabeth, she sounded just like Kate”

Blood will out, after all.
.
When Roy is later on talking to Kate – desperately trying to emphasise that it’s still “only a possible”, and outright telling her not to get carried away (yeah, right then!), it would seem that Kate and Phoebe are very much on the same page:

[Kate] “Her real education would be outside school”

Uh-oh. More suggestive of the life Phoebe can expect if she goes, than a good reason for going …


On Nigel’s birthday

Elizabeth doesn’t mention it. She chooses to go on a course with Roy instead.

Which I don’t disagree with, as she was clearly thinking about him:

[Elizabeth] “What he had … was a vision, not just a business plan. He knew he was privileged to live in such a glorious house, and he wanted other people to enjoy another piece of it, not keep it to himself”

(though Elizabeth did later mention that they would have had to do something with Lower Loxley if they wanted to avoid being unable to afford it … but the dram remains, I suppose).


Lower Loxley to aim for the posh set?

After their course, it looks like Roy and Elizabeth have a plan.

[Roy] “It that something you’d consider? Days for people who want to rub shoulders with the upper classes?”

Sounds like it is something Elizabeth wants to explore. Targeting expensive clubs, private tours and such – make exclusive offers and breaks for toffs.

The Archers Tuesday 7th June 2011: Mucho Ado about … not alot

(Quiet day in Ambridge)

• Brian’s eyes are watering over insurance for Open Farm Sunday
• Bluebird Cottage in arrears
• Adam gets a cracker in
• The Scottish Play
• Jill backed off

Brian’s eyes are watering over insurance for Open Farm Sunday

[Brian] “With the public bouncing round the tracks on the back of this thing and crawling all over the combine … what if some old dear falls into the lake and sues us?”

But Adam is staying positive.

It sounds like he’s even persuaded the morose Will – worried about folks disturbing, or even finding, “his birds” – to do a question and answer session.



Bluebird Cottage in arrears

So it seems. Someone/a family called Harrison. And Bluebird is one of Lower Loxley’s tied cottages.

Wonder if Elizabeth will turn into a hard and harsh landlord – or will Roy continue to soften her?


Adam gets a cracker in

Over Brian, believe it or not.

Brian’s talking about Kate being busy with her College work.

[Brian] “Something worthy about growing birth rates in far flung rural communities”

[Adam] “Ah, not something you’d know about then”

Tee-hee!


The Scottish Play

Odd that Adam referred to Macbeth as “The Scottish Play”.

It’s almost as if he was a thespian …

Anyhoo – Adam was talking about Macbeth as it’s a play the pickers are off to see.

Which Harry is interested in (he’s also a frequent at Home Farm), and reckons Jazzer might also be interested in as he’s … um …Scottish.

Either way. Zofia is going. So both are likely to be there.


Jill backed off

From reminding Elizabeth that it would have been Nigel’s birthday next week, even though she is concerned that Elizabeth seems to be ignoring it.

She instead reminded Elizabeth about Ruth’s birthday (also next week).

Not like Jill at all.

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 7th June 2011: Alice and Chas go to bed

(to watch a film on Alice’s laptop. Still a bit icky, though)

• Don’t take the Michael out of Jamie’s bear
• Chas gets told where to go. Twice.
• Fallon’s still got the hump
• No more boom boom!
• We all need quadratic equations, Steve
• A year since Sid died

Don’t take the Michael out of Jamie’s bear

Steve was wondering why Jamie never invites him and Marty over to his house. While he had turned up unexpectedly. At Jamie’s house.

Jamie probably hasn’t invited Steve over because he’s a bully and an insensitive prat.

Steve then pushes Jamie too far. Not only is Steve interrupting him while he’s trying to study, but he then takes the Michael out of Blower (sp?). Jamie’s bear. Which Sid had given to him.

And hurrah! Jamie kicks Steve out!

[Steve] “I’ve been standing up for you .. .you’re a right little runt sometimes!”

Aye. Right then, Steve. Off you toddle, now.



Chas gets told where to go. Twice.

Chas is up in Newcastle trying to find Jackie (who disappeared from Uni without paying him back his ‘loan’).

He tries to hassle someone called Rachel (who is in the flat he thinks Jackie is staying at). But he doesn’t get anywhere.

[Rachel] “You can believe what you like. I don’t know where she’s gone”

Rachel threatens to call the Police. Chas backs off.

[Chas] “Fine … stick up for your friend. She stole from me, remember!”

Then Mr Parker (Jackie’s dad) tells Chas where to go when he calls up to try to see if he can get another address for Jackie.

Chas doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere with the great hunt for Jackie.

And, considering Lesley is protecting Reggie, where else can Chas turn to get enough money to keep Vince off of his back.

Chris?


Fallon’s still got the hump!

Looks like Fallon still isn’t happy with Kirsty and Rhys.

She’s even changed her shifts to never work with Rhys (or so it seems).

Nic has the bright idea of Rhys and Kirsty making up with Fallon by “doing something nice” for her birthday on the 19th.

Which Rhys and Kirsty take on board with aplomb!

Glamping, it would seem, is the answer. Up on Lakey Hill.

Kirsty has a friend with a Bell tent. They can get rugs, lantern, “maybe a bean bag or two”.

All very nice.

But is that a fatal mistake I spot?

They’ve decided to fool Fallon into the whole glamping trip being a surprise.

It’s fallen to Nic to do the deed. Because no-one else had the bottle:

[Rhys] “What is this? Kill Bill? Has Fallon got a grudge against the whole village?”

A whole bunch of Fallon’s make, about to play a trick on her.

It may be a nice trick, but could this all go horribly wrong?


No more boom boom!

That was very unwelcome, indeed.

I know Ambridge Extra is a bit of a youf experiment – but the clips of loud music really doesn’t impress.


We all need quadratic equations, Steve

You’ll find out later on, which may be too late for you …


A year since Sid died

It’s a year, on Wednesday, since Sid died, and it would have been his birthday on Thursday.

Which is why Jamie reacted so firmly to Steve when he took the Michael.

Natalie also doesn’t seem too sympathetic.

Over the phone, she kinda gave Steve an excuse by saying he couldn’t have known about Sid’s anniversaries coming up. And that rushes off the phone with a “sorry about your dad”.

I’m not too sure about that Natalie.

But, then again, I’m not too sure about most teenagers!

The Archers Monday 6th June 2011: Phoebe reckons Kate’s her “real mum”

• Harris Hawks are co-operative
• “What this, a bonk buster?”
• Ed is such a gent
• “Jo’burg isn’t like Ambridge”
• Oliver laughed like Walter Gabriel
• Ed’s being watched over?
• David has a nice bit of hay
• “a collective outburst of soppiness”

Harris Hawks are co-operative

I also “didn’t necessarily” know that, so Roy was quite right to mention it on the Falconry bit of the Lower Loxley website.

And seemingly Eleanor came out best in the photographs.

AND Jessica breeds all her own Falcons herself. So none are ‘taken’ from the wild for the great unwashed’s entertainment.

Well done Eleanor. And well done Jessica.


“What this, a bonk buster?”

Emma still has Susan’s copy of Mistress of the Paddocks, when Ed spots it.

Seemingly Emma can’t get even get passed page one.

She reckons it’s because she hasn’t got time.

I just don’t reckon Emma is the book type, regardless of the subject matter.


Ed is such a gent

He and Emma were just settling down for a bit of a sit, when Oliver turns up.

The last thing they wanted was a visitor, but Ed was a good enough chap to not mention that to Oliver, instead made him feel completely welcome.

Good boy, is our Ed.

Sometimes.

As long as it doesn’t involve his brother’s wife …


“Jo’burg isn’t like Ambridge”

Phoebe tells Roy what’s what over a cappuccino.

Roy is trying to persuade her just to go to South Africa for the summer. And how much everyone will miss her if she goes for a whole year. And how Abbie will forget her if she does go for the year. And her mates.

Fairly hefty emotional blackmail, if you ask me.

What does Phoebe reckon?

[Phoebe] “It was really hard saying goodbye … they’re my family too, you know … Lucas’ family really rate me, you know … you could all come over and see me for Christmas!”

But Roy pleads poverty.

[Phoebe] “I want an adventure, right, and all you’re doing is slapping me down !”

[Roy] “I can’t promise … it’s Hayley. She just loves you so, so much, Phoebe, she’d worry every day if you’re away for so long.”

(naughty Roy, blaming Phoebe)

[Phoebe] “I love you both dada and that’s never going to change… you’re my mum and dad … but I’ve got two families … I need to spend time with my real mum now… I want to get to know everything about her. Surely you can see that?”

Well, I think phoebe has a point. She does need to spend time with Kate if that what she feels she needs to do. If only to discover exactly what Kate is like …

… which is why Hayley is so determined that Phoebe shouldn’t find that out while she’s so far away from her and Roy.

Would seem Roy is weakening, though.



Oliver laughed like Walter Gabriel

And woke up Keira.

Quite bizarre.


Ed’s being watched over?

Ed thinks Oliver is keeping an eye on him – that he doesn’t trust him to run the herd properly.

[Emma] “That’s what retired people do, holding you up when you trying to work. Joe’s always doing it”

Eh Emma? What work would you be doing, then?

(I know – she does plenty. But boy, does she make sure we all know about it)

Anyhoo, Ed doesn’t need to be worried.

Oliver is just bored.

As he later mentions to David, he has little desire to return to work:

[Oliver] “If I’m honest, the worrying was the reason I gave up the herd”

David has a nice bit of hay

According to Oliver.

[David] “ …(I have) a sneaking nostalgia for hay making, I must confess”

He sounds a bit happier in his work. Even though it’s 6 months since Nigel died …


“a collective outburst of soppiness”

Has occurred at Brookfield, according to David.

And it’s all Tigg’s fault.

Ah well. Anything to lighten the mood.