The Archers Thursday 17th November 2011: Pat is very ponderous

• Susan’s caught in the act
• Organics isn’t a selling point these days
• Pat isn’t listening … but she is interested in Kylie

Susan’s caught in the act

She’s still doing Bert and Gary’s washing.

Neil is not a happy chappy.

[Neil] “You can’t do it all. You can’t run two household and work full time”

[Susan] “Gary would just sit there with dad by the telly eating chips while the dirty plates and the washing piled up around them”

Neil reckons it should be the whole family helping out.

[Susan] “I know it’s not fair. I don’t want to be stuck with all this. I am getting tired and wish they’d help out … I wish mum were still here … you’re right, I can’t go on like this. Not for much longer”

So Susan calls a family meeting. She doesn’t have very high hopes though. Tracey has got wee kids, and troubles with her Den. Seems Keith wife is difficult. Stuart is not dependable. And she can’t ask Clive. They haven’t spoken since Ivy’s funeral.

Only Keith and Stuart will be attending the family meeting. Seems Tracey really is in crisis mode with her partner.

[Neil] “You’ll be lucky to get much change out of Keith and Stuart”

Organics isn’t a selling point these days

So says the rebranding expert Tom and Brenda have met with.

Seems this chap was entirely “behind” Bridge Farm rebranding, but …

[Tom] “Do it properly … he did have one small reservation”

[Brenda] “Actually, it’s quite a big one Tom”

The chap said that organics isn’t a selling point these days. It would seem there’s a stronger market for “locally sourced food”.

[Pat] “We’re an organic farm. If we can’t put that on our products we might as well pack it all in and retire!”

But the compromise is to still rebrand as Ambridge Organics – but “major” on the Ambridge, with Organics in a smaller font down below.

[Tony] “This is marketing. They play by different rules. It’s a fair compromise”

Pat doesn’t sound convinced. Especially as it’ll take until end of January to do all of the rebranding work.

(actually, I think that’s quite quick)

[Pat] “So, there goes Ambridge Organics Christmas Pud ice cream”

Later on:

[Tony] “I know it’s a bit depressing for us”

But Pat is going to make a small batch of Christmas pud ice cream anyway, and sell it through the shop.

[Pat] “A last hurrah for the Bridge Farm brand … I suppose there are more important things in life than which font size we use”

Hmmm. I wonder what Pat could be referring to …

Anyhoo.

It’s a bit odd that Brenda and Tom are ploughing on because of one bloke’s say-so.

And odder still that Tony is accepting all of this so easily.


Pat isn’t listening … but she is interested in Kylie

Tony was wittering on to Pat about rebranding, David and Ruth’s plans for their milk, and other such topical Ambridge happenings. But Pat wasn’t listening. She was miles away.

Pat does show more attention to Susan. And mentions Kylie first chance she can.

[Pat] “She doesn’t seem to have picked up many of her dad’s genetics … and she’d inherited the best of Sharon’s looks too … I wonder if her brother looks at all like her?”

Ah – so do we understand from that wee exchange that Pat is increasingly thinking that Kylie could be John’s daughter?

When she’s later again vague as Tony is trying to talk to her, she nearly tells him what’s on her mind … but stops short of doing so.

Ah. This is nicely simmering away. Hope it isn’t squib that’ll be served.

Ambridge Extra Thursday 17th November 2011: Alistair and Erin … odd

• Clive’s plans gang aft agley
• What did Matt get in the post?
• Hope Daphne the cat was okay
• It’s all inappropriate, Alistair
• Lilian ready to call the Police

Clive’s plans gang aft agley

Clive needs to be on site at Matt’s development if he’s going to be able to steal the metal. Matt knows about it, but has distanced himself to the point where Clive is very much on his own. Matt just wants the cash at the end.

So Clive is panicked when he’s laid off from the job. There isn’t enough work for him. How will he steal the metal if he doesn't work there?

Am I being thick? Couldn't Clive just break in? As per?


What did Matt get in the post?

He was very cagey about it.

He tried to get to the post first, but Lilian beat him to it. She thought it might be a present for her Christmas, but Matt claimed it was “kit” for the office. A webcam for video conferencing. Even though they never do video conferencing.

What’s he up to now?


Hope Daphne the cat was okay

Seems so. Alistair seemed to be quite happy with her progress.


It’s all inappropriate, Alistair

What on earth is Alistair thinking about? Though we can hear his thoughts (still don’t understand how that works), it really doesn’t make any sense.

He’s early awaiting Erin turning up at his surgery. She’s still shadowing him.

Alistair – to himself - Is that her? She is stunning

(hmmm …)

Erin then stroked Alistair by mistake. Ones hopes it was just his hand – she was aiming for the cat.

(hmmm …)

Erin also wants to make her shadowing it a regular thing.

(hmmm …)

Erin starts talking to Alistair about Daniel,

[Erin] “He’s very shy, isn’t he? Quiet. He’s not had many girlfriends, has ne? He’s just not like other lads I know … he’s just really different”

Which Erin reckons is a good thing. Kind of.

[Alistair] “Look I know I’m obviously biased, Daniel’s a special boy. He’s kind. Thoughtful. I’m really proud of him”

And then (there’s more!) Erin starts opening up to Alistair. Telling him about her home life, how her dad left when she was wee, and the like.

Alistair – to himself - Why is she telling me this. She’s lovely, but this feels like too much 

(eh? Does Alistair think she’s cracking onto him?)

[Erin] “It’s funny. I suppose I’ve always felt an adult, even when I was little”

(hmmm …)

Alistair – to himself - maybe she just wants to talk. This isn’t appropriate. I can’t be her confidant.

(why not? Does he just want to be physical? Or, is it because she’s kind-of Daniel’s girlfriend?)

[Erin] “You know, you’re a lot Dan. At least you’ve got similar eyes. They are the same gorgeous blue”

Alistair - to himself - okay that’s crossed the line

(what? The she though Alistair was Daniel’s biological dad, which he tells her he isn’t, or that she called his eyes “gorgeous?”)

After telling Erin that he adopted Daniel.

[Erin] “That makes a lot of sense … you’re so much more …”

Alistair – to himself – what?

But Erin does say what Alistair is “so much more”

I’m confused.

What’s Alistair thinking? Is he wrestling with the fact that Erin is a young lass, and going out with his son – so off limits. Or, is he attracted but worried that Erin feels the same, and is worried about something happening? Does he want something to happen?


Lilian ready to call the Police

After trying to call matt without success (doesn’t Clive ever take a hint?), he turns up at the Dower House.

Lilian is not amused.

[Lilian] “Matt … you get him out of here ...you know you shouldn’t be here … are you going to get rid of him. Matt, I’ve had enough of him.”

Matt takes Clive outside, and tells him where to sling it. Clive wants Matt to get him his job back at the site. But Matt isn’t interested.

[Matt] “I’ve got to sort Lilian out now, and it’s not just her who doesn’t want you around”

When Matt gets back in, Lilian is ready to call the Police. Clive is hanging around on is mobile to someone.

[Lilian] “He needs permission … what if he comes back, or goes on a rampage round the village?”

She won’t even let Matt leave the house. If he does, she will call the Police on Clive.

[Lilian] “You may think you’re honouring some ex convict’s code …”

[Matt] “You have to let me deal with this in my own way. I wouldn’t let anything happen to you. I promise, pussycat, I’ve got it under control”

Methinks Matt speaks too soon. Clive was already on the phone trying to work out how he can get all of the metal on his own. Dodgy. Trouble surely is ahead.

The Archers Wednesday 16th November 2011: Ruth says nooooooooo

• Grundy cider (courtesy of Oliver)
• ‘Genuine’ pearl necklace for 30 years married
• Not the holly, again
• Ruth’s a proper farmer, unlike Brian
• Deck The Halls (without Nigel)
• A pony!?!
• Funerals online
• Ruth speaks to a real live buyer

Grundy cider (courtesy of Oliver)

Eddie and Joe are collecting apples from Oliver’s orchard for their cider.

Seems not many other folks have joined in.

Jim turns up eventually. As does David.

Hardly the community project Jim envisaged, but it is a start.

And Eddie reckons it will be a vintage year, with them collecting grand looking apples.

[Joe] “Course in my dad’s day they had a wheel”

[Jim] “A cider wheel? … I suppose a garden shredder doesn’t have the same romance about it”

[Joe] “Does the job”

‘Genuine’ pearl necklace for 30 years married

It’s Eddie and Clarrie’s 30th anniversary on November 21st.

So Eddie wants to get Clarrie a proper nice gift.

A pearl necklace.

[Jim] “The ancient Greek symbol of love and devotion”

[Joe] “She’s going to love that. Well done Eddie”

But … in true Eddie style … he reckons he got a “bargain” and he mentioned the word “genuine”.

So, it’ll either be glass or stolen. Odds on.


Not the holly, again

As they were collecting apples, Eddie pointed out a nice sprig to Joe. And mentioned that they’d better get themselves ready for selling holly again.

*sigh*

Won’t there still be a long list of customers not entirely amused with Joe’s holly growing kits?


Ruth’s a proper farmer, unlike Brian

David talks to Ruth about Brian’s plans for a Super Dairy.

Ruth is not happy.

Ruth starts to rant.

[Ruth] “1500 cows, with no grass at all, stuck up there in a shed all of their lives … we’ll have a whopping great dairy unit shoved right on our doorsteps … that’s just so Brian. He’s such a total hypocrite. He’s never been a dairy farmer, all he cares about is turning in a quick profit … it’s a terrible idea; it goes against everything we’ve been working and for over the last twenty odd years and Brian knows that to. And he has the nerve to come here and start crowing about it to you”

[David] “Me as NFU Chair …”

[Ruth] “Same difference. He ‘d know perfectly well how you’d feel about it personally”

But wait Ruth. There’s worse to come.

[David] “Listen. There was another reason why he’s come to us now ...well, I’ve got a feeling you’re not going to like but I did say I’d ask, so … Brian says that if the scheme goes ahead, if right, then BL would be looking for local suppliers … to grow feed crops for their cows”

[Ruth] “What? You mean …”

[David] “He wants to know if we might be interested”

[Ruth] “David, but, how could you even ask … well you know the answer, of course we’re not doing it. No. I hate the whole idea and I don’t have any part of it”

[David] “Alright, so it’s not our kind of faming of course …”

[Ruth] “It’s not proper farming at all, it’s an industrial business …”

[David] “But, think about it for a moment. They would be offering us a long term contract for our crops at a guaranteed price. Can we afford to turn down an offer like that?”

[Ruth] “I don’t care what the deal is …”

[David] “Really? When we need all the help we can get for our milk”

[Ruth] “Not that way. I’m not doing it David, I’m surprised you’ve even considered it. You should have turned him down flat”

[David] “Alright, you made your point, there’s no need to bite my head off”

And David storms off in a huff.

They later on make it up. And David admits he’s quite relieved that she’s out her foot down for him.


Deck The Halls (without Nigel)

That’ll be a strange one. Nigel’s charmingly childish delight always made it such a highlight.


A pony!?!

Blimey – looks like the recession has never touched Elizabeth.

It’s nearly the twins’ 12th birthday.

She’s talking to Shula about what to get Freddie. He’s seemingly really hard to buy for.

In fact, neither Lily nor Freddie have made much out of their forthcoming birthday.

It’ll be the first without their dad.

So, Shula suggests buying Freddie a pony.

And, just like that, Elizabeth reckons it’s a great idea. No mention of how can they afford it. No mention of how she can work out something as spectacular for Lily.

My. How the other half live.

Elizabeth then tells Lily about Freddie’s pony, but swears her to secrecy.

(can twins keep secrets from each other? And why on earth did Elizabeth tell her in the first place?)

Luckily for Elizabeth, Lily then suggests her own birthday present.

She wants to go on her school trip to France.

Which is fine by Elizabeth.

Seriously – is there a way I can get Elizabeth to adopt me? She’s loaded!

Then again, it might just be her burning her way through Nigel’s insurance money … actually … did they look into how much he was worth when he died?


Funerals online

Not really.

They’re just getting the promotion of the green burial site sorted online. They’re also doing flyers.


Ruth speaks to a real live buyer

Which was a shock for her, after not getting through to any real ones for a fair while now. And what’s more:

[Ruth] “He seem surprised to be talking to a real life farmer”

What’s more, he seemed quite interested in Brookfield’s product.

[Ruth] “At least we’re getting somewhere at last. This could be the breakthrough we’ve been waiting for”

And at least it doesn’t involve Brian or a Super Diary.

Fingers crossed.

The Archers Tuesday 15th November 2011: Today went Super Dairy, Badger, Wedding Dress, Super Dairy

(well, not entirely, but more or less)

• Super Dairy
• Milking is worse than a parent’s evening?
• Ruth’s been trying to get a milk contract
• Badger
• Wedding Dress
• Super Dairy

Super Dairy

Brian is round seeing David.

He tells him about his and Debbie’s plans for a Super Dairy.

David isn’t impressed.

[David] “Never get to see a blade of grass in their lives”

But, as NFU President, David has to put it to the local chapter and see what everyone else thinks. Regardless of his own opinion.

However – Brian also has a proposition for Brookfield.

He asks if Brookfield will grow feed for the Super Dairy.

Shocker!


Milking is worse than a parent’s evening?

According to David.

He reckons he drew the short straw by being left to do the milking as Ruth goes off to a parent’s evening.

Each to their own.


Ruth’s been trying to get a milk contract

So she and Pip won the argument about supplying direct. Though Ruth is finding it far from easy – she hasn’t as yet managed to get one on the phone.


Badger

Joe’s not convinced about badger vaccination (Ed and Oliver’s plan). He reckons they don’t even have a vaccination that works yet.

[Joe] “In my day badgers had a natural immunity”

Joe reckons that modern faming is to blame . That cows are:

[Joe] “stressed and pushed to get every last drop out of them”

Will does not concur.

[Will] “There’s too many TB and too many badgers”

So Will wants to cull. As does David.

But Brian reckons that vaccination is worth a try. Which would seem surprising, until he clarifies that he reckons a cull would be bad PR (that’s more like Brian).


Wedding Dress

It’s decision time for Nic.

While Will goes off down the pub, Clarrie comes round to look at wedding dresses.

Nic has already decided (with Will) that they’ll go to the Cape Verde Islands. Will’s been sent to the pub to look at hotels.

And she also finds her wedding dress online.

So all’s going to plan then.

Emma will be pleased …


Super Dairy

Back talking to Brian, David repeats what he said to Debbie – that though they may have 15,000 cows, Americans will have 30,000. So Americans will win in the ‘world market’. And all Brian will achieve is to push up local milk prices.

[David] “All I want is to be paid a sensible price for out milk. Which price, is already way down the bottom of the European league”

Brian reckons that’s because of infighting – that wee milk producers like David don’t show a united front.

And Brian asks David again to be a supplier for the Super Dairy.

It’s a long term contract at guaranteed prices. Which Brian is quite right in saying would make a big difference to Brookfield.

David says yes …

… to talking to Ruth about it.

Interesting.

Considering Ruth has been stressed about Brookfield’s lack of profitability – she might actually say yes.

Or, will their principles win through?

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 15th November 2011: Daniel nearly becomes a man

• The French Lieutenant's Woman
• Not a special birthday
• That Erin is a bit of a …
• Matt’s a one-man Clive cheerleader
• Daniel’s big moment!
• Matt doesn’t want to be seen with Clive
• Nope. No moment for Daniel
• Alistair texting Erin

The French Lieutenant's Woman

Is what Daniel’s studying for English.

[Daniel] “Notions of destiny, identity and freewill”

He may be a bit odd, but sounds like Daniel isn’t dim.

Unless he was writing straight from York’s Notes …


Not a special birthday

Seems Erin looked “hot” at Daniel’s birthday. She was wearing shorts (in this weather! … is what my gran would have said). But Daniel was left wishing he’d “done something”, especially as he thinks she might have wanted him to.

He reckons he’s blown it.

Later on, Erin tells him she wishes his birthday had gone a bit long.

So technically, Daniel did make a hash of it.

But not to worry. Erin takes charge.


That Erin is a bit of a …

… confident young lady who knows what she wants.

Good on her.

She invites Daniel round to hers, as her mum is out. So they can have the place to themselves.

Daniel thinks to himself that he might not have blown it at his birthday.

Ya think, Daniel?

Maybe he’s just academically not dim …


Matt’s a one-man Clive cheerleader

Lilian’s laying it on thick about how awful Clive has been since Ivy died.

[Lilian] “I’m not sure what’s worse, then he talked his poor father into giving them or he tried to pass them off to poor Kylie … if he’s prepared to do that to his own family.

“At least someone’s got the courage send Clive packing … and his sister of all people!

“Don’t you see? You’re the only one who wants anything to do with him!”

But Matt isn’t listening. He leaves rather than to suffer anymore of Lilian’s (quite right and reasonable) chat about Clive.

Matt isn’t exactly Clive’s best friend, but he does know he can turn Clive’s talent for being one step adrift of the law to his own advantage.


Daniel’s big moment!

At Erin’s, she tells Daniel where to sit, then squeezes in next to him.

Daniel – to himself - say something

[Daniel] “I like your wallpaper”

Daniel – to himself - wallpaper, what are you talking about!

Erin then tells him she wanted his birthday to go on longer. Then she tucks her feet under his legs.

They start play fighting,

Daniel – to himself - go on, do it … I can smell her skin

But Erin has to spell it out. She’s telling Daniel about her friends talking about him.

[Erin] “They want to know what you’re like. So do I. Well. Are you going to kiss me or not?”

[Daniel] “Yeah. Well. Sorry”

[Erin] “Come here!”

And then – and I kid you not – the background music rises into a crescendo.

Ugh.

As if it wasn’t uncomfortable enough listening to two teens getting ‘close’.


Matt doesn’t want to be seen with Clive

Clive’s been trying to get the metal out of the house Matt’s been doing up.

But there’s other workmen around.

And while he has a truck, he can’t get a lockup.

And, the job is also happening too fast for him to sort himself out.

[Clive] “We have to talk. You need to slow things down”

Matt tells him to shut his mouth.

[Matt] “Whatever you need to do, just do it. I don’t want to know. I don’t want us seen talking”

Then Matt tells Clive he knows about Ivy’s rings, and how he basically stole them.

[Matt] “if you can do that to your old dad, you can do this”

That’s him told.


Nope. No moment for Daniel

Daniel – to himself – is this right? … I’m not sure … perhaps I’m supposed to … s’aright, close your eyes … not sure if she’s expecting me to … woah, okay, maybe she does … great legs … come on, just go with it … move your hands a bit higher … okay, maybe a bit more

Erin stops him, but it’s only because Daniel is leaning on her. She asks him to put his hand back where it was and to stop apologising so much. – leaning on her, wants his hand back – stop apologising

Daniel – to himself - okay, so this could be it, it’ll be fine

But alas – they hear the door slam. It’s probably Erin’s mum.

[Erin] “Quick. Do your shirt back up”

Daniel then (rather ungallantly) suggests they drive somewhere to carry on.

That’ll be his trousers speaking.

[Daniel] “Just as long as. Was that okay?”

[Erin] “Yeah, yeah of course. That was lovely”

Never mind Daniel.

I’m sure Erin will lead you through it all again soon


Alistair texting Erin

That's just wrong.

The Archers Monday 14th November 2011: John Archer, a dad?

• Derek Fletcher is being inappropriate. Again.
• Lynda isn’t inspirational
• Two heads are better than one
• The analysis of Peggy’s birthday lunch
• Susan stepping into Ivy’s shoes
• Caroline saves Christmas
• Pat’s counting back 13 years …

Derek Fletcher is being inappropriate. Again.

[Lynda] “No. No Derek. I’m not questioning your talent or your ability to entertain. It would just be quite inappropriate … that has to be my final answer”

Lynda comes off the phone as Caroline walks up (looks like Lynda is working on Christmas around the World while at work. Cheeky)

[Lynda] “That was Derek Fletcher. He wants to be a Chinese magician”

[Caroline, confused] “He does?”

[Lynda] “Yes. For Christmas around the world. I mean, can you imagine it, Derek, dressed up in a pigtail and a dressing gown and pulling handkerchiefs out of a top hat”

[Caroline] “Well, it’s hardly original I suppose”

[Lynda] “Well it’s not just that. Supposing you were a person of Chinese extraction sitting in the audience … Caroline, this show is meant to be pay tribute to the rich diversity of international culture, not poke fun at crude national stereotypes. Just try explaining that to Derek Fletcher … he was quite rude on the phone. Even accused me of favouritism!”

And poor Lynda starts crying.


Lynda isn’t inspirational

[Lynda] “I was hoping to tap the talent of the local community, but it’s just not happening … this show just hasn’t inspired people the way my productions normally do”

It’s because it’s not a panto, Lynda. It’s not a panto!

Why try something different at a time of year when we all tend to like traditional stuff that makes us feel a bit warm and fuzzy? Even if it is generally obvious and clichéd.


Two heads are better than one

According to Tom.

[Tom] “Two heads, you know. Especially when the other one’s Brenda”

Hmmm. That’s questionable.

But Pat and Tony seems happy enough to leave them to it. They’re off to visit a brand guru to sort out Bridge Farm’s rebrand to Ambridge Organics.

Which is a surprise, considering what Tom’s been like to date.

Mind you, he did point out the obvious to Pat about making more of their Christmas pudding ice cream at this time of year … so maybe Pat and Tony do need Tom and Brenda to state the obvious to them.


The analysis of Peggy’s birthday lunch

[Tom] “It was fine mum. I mean there was no actual violence. And gran seemed to have a great time, that’s all that matters”

Indeedy.


Susan stepping into Ivy’s shoes

Seems Susan is still doing Bert and Gary’s cooking.

That doesn’t please Neil. Susan reckons they’re both still mourning, but so is Susan.

Neil then saw Gary out feeding the ducks. And reckons that if he has time to feed the ducks:

[Neil] “Can’t he at least do something to feed him and Bert?”

Neil is worried about Gary and Bert becoming as dependent on Susan as they had been on Ivy.

And so far, she’s giving them every reason to be.


Caroline saves Christmas

(well, The Christmas Show is all Caroline saved. Technically)

Still distraught over her increasingly alarm that Christmas around the World will be rubbish, Lynda is trying all sorts:

[Lynda] “I thought some vigorous exercise might be good for my soul”

(blimey – what a picture that paints!)

But hurrah for Caroline!

She suggests food. To have food from around the world – as a sort of smorgasbord – and make the concert into more of a camembert. With wee tables rather than theatre style.

[Lynda] “You’ve unblocked my creative flow!”

Lynda starts wittering on about turkey and cranberry bites, sauerkraut and sausages, samosas, spring rolls and:

[Lynda] “A wonderful Norwegian recipe for little Christmas sausages”

Which she ropes Tom into making.

Lynda takes Caroline’s suggestion one step further. That the performers can sit with the audience and eat, to create a relaxed ambiance.

[Lynda, to Caroline] “It was sheer inspiration. You have saved our Christmas show!”

Pat’s counting back 13 years …

Pat was making a point of saying to Susan that she’d really enjoyed meeting Kylie.

As they’re chatting about how nice Kylie is, Susan mentioned that Kylie has a brother. Who is a teenager.

Pat’s surprised to hear that (Kylie hadn’t mentioned her brother Rick). And her ears particularly seemed to prick up at the mention of his age.

She later corners Susan to ask a bit more.

[Pat] “And Kylie’s brother Rich, you say he’s a teenager … 13? …right?”

So.

John Archer died 25th February 1998.

John has always had a thing for Sharon, even before he’d been seeing Hayley. He cheated on Hayley with Sharon.

And not long after all of that, John died.

So.

John died 13 years ago. Rich is 13.

John = Rich’s dad?

Certainly seems to be what Pat is thinking.

Odds on for John to be exhumed before Christmas?

The Archers Sunday 13th November 2011: Peggy’s 87th Birthday – throwing daggers (but only by their eyes)

(the announcer said “The bunting is out in Ambridge” but no resident seem to notice)

• Brian’s not looking forward to it
• Tony’s wish for an alternate Sunday
• James and Leonie … hopefully about to split up
• And the seating plan is …
• Proper salmon
• That damn book!
• Jennifer really is clueless

Brian’s not looking forward to it

Tony may not be speaking to Jennifer, and Brian now isn’t talking to Lilian.

He thinks it was her who blabbed about Adam being unhappy about the Super Dairy, which scuppered Brian and Debbie’s plan to get it moving (for now).

So, he also isn’t looking forward to the en masse Archer gathering for Peggy’s birthday.

[Brian] “Now I’ll be stuck in the dame room as her for 2 hours trying to be civil … that and that smarmy son of hers”

Tony’s wish for an alternate Sunday

[Tony] “Sandwich at home in the kitchen would suit me fine … I’ll probably end up getting thoroughly plastered”

[Pat] “It’s Peggy’s birthday … It’s only 2 hours out of your life, so please behave!”

James and Leonie … hopefully about to split up

Probably wishful thinking, but they were having a right old barney.

Seems Leonie had to be dragged screaming and kicking to the birthday lunch.

[James] “Less of a party, more than a damage limitation exercise”

Leonie was being a right spoilt brat. In front of Tony, she said of the party.

[Leonie] “Oh yes, it’s right up there with my last trip to the dentist”

Hard to believe that Robert was involved in the creation of her.

But, to look on the bright side, of James and Leonie do split up, we won’t have to hear from them for months on end …

Ah – it couldn’t be happening to a nicer couple!


And the seating plan is …

… Tony in the middle of James and Leonie (which Tony is delighted about – more fool him), and Brian next to Peggy and Pat (he’s also happy).

So, disaster averted. And Peggy had no idea of the undercurrents.

[Brian] “Fortunately she didn’t notice that one half of the table wasn’t talking to the other”

Proper salmon

According to Brian, must be Scottish, wild caught and organic.

Couldn’t agree more.


That damn book!

James and Leonie turn on Tony with the usual lack of tact when it comes to setting up topics and stories for their book:

[James] “We heard about your little mishap with e coli …”

[Leonie] “Tee whole mystical process of turning fresh milk into cheeses and ice cream”

Tony doesn’t really take in what they’re suggesting (probably still reeling from the utter nightmare of the last few months being described as a “little mishap”).

They also want to ‘cover’ Will and Nic’s wedding. Cause he’s a gamekeeper. Therefore it’ll be traditional and quaint rural.

*sigh*

All the talk of their book made them forget they’d fallen out. Damn!


Jennifer really is clueless

Jennifer went outside for a bit of fresh air, and bumps into Tony (who is trying to get Henry to sleep).
She starts talking about how pleased and excited she was to hear about the rebrand.

And she reveals that Tony and Pat are not the only family with business problems.

[Jennifer] “Well we’re so close, and we care so much, why do we spend so much time quarrelling … silly when there’s so much we could do to support each other”

Tony is about to launch into a rant when Peggy also comes outside:

[Peggy] “Just to gave the whole family here together, and getting on so well, I couldn’t have asked for a nicer way to spend my birthday”

Either Peggy is indeed clueless, or she knows more than she shows. Either way, she is right – they all managed a lunch together without it turning into a punch up.

Again - Damn!

The Archers Friday 11th November 2011: Brian’s been fibbing to Debbie

(and I still find it strange that Debbie calls him ‘dad’)

• Debbie’s fresh from the Hungarian plains
• Susan still isn’t convinced about those rings
• Kylie makes up her mind about Clive
• Andrew is very dull indeed
• Kylie doesn’t remember the caravan
• Brian blames Lilian

Debbie’s fresh from the Hungarian plains

According to Brian.

She’s back over for a Borchester Land meeting about the Super Dairy.

Jennifer is upset on two accounts. Firstly, that Debbie isn’t stopping over – she’s here for the meeting then back to Hungry again.

And second, about Adam’s feeling about the Super Diary.

But Brian reassures Debbie that he’s sorted everything with Adam.


Susan still isn’t convinced about those rings.

She thinks Clive cheated Bert out of them.

[Susan] “Mum would never have left those rings to Clive. Never. Not in a million years … rings don’t go to sons, they go to daughters … Clive got hold of him when he was upset and vulnerable, got round him with his smarmy cheating lies, or just plain bullied him. Preying on a defenceless man … I can’t believe I was so stupid. I’ll never believe a word he says ever again”

Here’s hoping.

But either way, I don’t think we’ve heard the last of Clive yet.


Kylie makes up her mind about Clive

She doesn’t want to see him again nor have any contact with him.

All that after one meeting. Kirsty is quite an astute judge of character, methinks.


Andrew is very dull indeed

He’s on the BL Board, so was at the meeting about the Super Dairy, but I missed most of what he said.

Very dull indeed.

He seemed to be quizzing Debbie about the size of the Dairy.

And the main point I heard him say (between dozing) was that he’d heard Adam wasn’t backing Home Farm’s involvement.

Which was actually quite important.

BL don’t want to make any decisions until Adam (so the whole of Home Farm) is supportive of the project.

So, no decisions about the Super Dairy until January. Which give Brian ample time to brood about it.


Kylie doesn’t remember the caravan

Nor anything else about her time at Bridge Farm. Apart from her mum always being stressed out when they were there.

But she’s met Pat, who she likes.

Kylie had a thirteen year old brother called Rich, and has a stepdad called Eamon. Eamon has been with Sharon for quite a while, and Kylie sees him as her dad proper.

So, really no need for a Clive in her life. Thank goodness.

Susan even reckons that Clive walking out on them was the best thing he’s ever done.


Brian blames Lilian

For telling that Andrew about Adam not backing the Super Dairy.

Debbie isn’t best pleased with Brian, as he’d earlier told her that he and Adam had reached “an understanding”.

But, Brian now claims that the understanding was that he and Debbie wanted the Super Diary, so could carry on regardless as they had the majority share between them.

Is it just me, or is Brian being a bit thick?

Debbie would have found out that Adam was still against the plans, and would have also found out that Brian had basically told Adam that he was being outvoted.

And – now that Debbie knows – she reckons the whole project is “dead”.

No Adam. No Super Dairy.

Sweet talk your way out of that one, Brian.

The Archers Thursday 10th November: Ivy Horrobin’s funeral

• The Horrobins gather
• Clive meets Kylie
• Susan rips Clive a new one

The Horrobin’s gather

Tracey with her two kids. No sign of Den (who I assume his her man friend).

Bert looks lost.

Seems Gary looks like he just got out of bed.

Keith’s wife Donna in a very noticeable red dress.

[Pat] “I hope she doesn’t catch a chill in that …”

Kirsty is of course of great interest (especially to Pat).

[Clarrie] “You’d never guess her dad were that Clive”

And, then there’s Clive.

[Tracey] “Clive. So, you made it then …so, what are you after then? On the cadge as usual. A smoke I suppose?”

Which he doesn’t say no to.

Clive spots Kylie talking to Susan, but doesn’t go over.

Which is fair enough. As the hearse arrives at the same time. Which both he and Susan similarly are upset by.

[Susan] “Come on the. Let’s put on the best show we can. For mum”

Clive meets Kylie

[Clive] “So, you’re Kylie, right? Hello. I’m Clive. Yer dad”

[Kylie] “Oh, yeah. Hello”

[Clive] “Kylie, I know it’s been a long time”

[Kylie] “22 years …”

[Clive] “So we’ve got a lot to catch up on!”

[Kylie] “I don’t get it. I don’t understand why. All that time and nothing. Not even a phone call or a birthday card …”

[Clive] “Kylie, what happened with you mum, it were hard for me”

[Kylie] “Hard! All you had to do was pick up the phone!”

[Clive] “But what was I going to say?”

[Kylie] “Well if you had nothing to say to me then. You have nothing to say to me now!”

That didn’t go well. Clive was being far too flippant, and Kylie wasn’t buying it. She was quite right in saying that Clive can’t just walk back into her life.

So was does Clive do?

He tries to bride her with Ivy’s rings.

Numpty.

He tries to claim she left them to him, and that he was going to keep them for Kylie.

Kirsty doesn’t even believe that one. And she doesn’t even know Clive.

[Kylie] “They should be Susan’s …keep your gifts. I don’t want them. I don’t ever want to see you again”

Susan rips Clive a new one

Susan notices that Clive and Kylie are not having a polite, gentle conversation.

She finds out that Clive’s got Ivy’s ring.

[Susan] “Oh, I see. You mean you sweet talked him round and took them. Helped yourself!”

[Clive] “Mind. You should be careful what you’re saying”

[Susan] “So, a new leaf is it? I should have known better. A leopard never changes his spots …”

(as Clive tries to walk away)

[Susan] “Don’t you dare. Don’t think you’ll get away with this!”

[Clive] “It’s the truth! Mum cared for me, even if no one else did”

[Susan] “What do you know about truth!?!”

[Clive] “Mum loved me, Susan”

[Susan] “Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, she loved you, did she? You, who made her life a misery! Drove her to an early grave!”

[Clive] “What did you say!?!”

[Susan] “You heard. It’s time someone said it …well, go on then, you gonnae hit me?”

[Clive] “You don’t to me like that. You’ve going to watch you hadn’t said that!”

(it then sounded like Susan gave him a slap)

[Susan] “Go on. Get out of here. I don’t want you near dad again or this village!”

[Clive] “You know what you are, you’re sick. I’m going. I’m through with you and I’m through with this whole sick family”

[Susan] “That’s it. Go on. And don’t come back”

Phew!

Good on you Susan. Here’s hoping that Clive does leave for good.

Though I doubt it. Chances are he’ll be back with a revenge.

And Kylie saw the whole thing, which much have been a shock.

To know your dad is a bit of a loser is one thing, but to see him being such an aggressive nutter is another.

Ambridge Extra Thursday 10th November 2011: Happy Birthday for Clive

(he is easily pleased …)

• Stealing scrap metal … how schemie
• Something inappropriate about to happen between Alistair and Erin?
• Flukes are not funny
• Clive only has to dangle to get Matt

Stealing scrap metal … how schemie

Clive really has no class.

He has a proposal for Matt.

It involves Matt taking him on to strip the metal out of a house he’s developing. Once it’s stripped, Clive breaks in to steal it. Matt claims on insurance, Clive sells the metal and splits the cash from that with Matt.

Clive - to himself – oh come on, give me a break, it’s my birthday

What a piece of work. No one to share a birthday with – no one cares – so all he’s got is a possible scam.


Something inappropriate about to happen between Alistair and Erin?

First it was Erin, going on about talking about driving tight lanes (!)

Then we hear Alistair talking to himself that it’s okay if she answers her phone – it doesn’t mean he’s boring her.

And then, Erin says she’s going to give Daniel a night he “won’t forget” for his birthday.

That nearly made Alistair miss his turn when driving.

And finally – when they part for the day (Erin was helping Alistair on his rounds after Shula suggested it – Erin wants to be a vet) – Alistair reflects to himself that Erin really is a charming young girl … as she’s leaving, he calls her back to ask her to come with him again.

Is it just me – or are there funny things afoot?


Flukes are not funny

Certainly not to sheep.

Mr Purves’ sheep has them.

Seems sheep ingest them, the flukes tunnel thought gut wall and get into the liver.

Nasty.

Alistair reckons it’s because Mr Purves grazed his sheep on wet marshy land. And now some of his sheep have died. He’ll have to treat all of the rest. Post mortem. Surveys. The lot.

Mr Purves is not happy. He reckons it’s all a rouse to make more money out of him.

(all of which was very similar to many a moment from All Creatures Great and Small).

But not to worry.

Seems Erin has charm when it comes to the male of the species, regardless of age or station in life.

She tells him that he’s respected and that they’ll work together on the most cost effective solution.

Which he agrees to, and they all go off for a cup of tea.

Blimey. Erin must have some eye-catching assets …


Clive only has to dangle to get Matt

Doing a deal with that bloke Bernie, Clive’s worked put that he could probably get £1,800 from all the metal in Matt’s house.

But he later tells Matt it’s only worth about £1,000. Which, after a bit of a stare out, Matt accepts.

[Bernie] “So you’ve really got old Crawford on the hook have you?”

[Clive] “I only have to dangle the bait. He’s thinks he’s so much better. He’s just a player like the rest of us”

Hmmm. My money is still on Matt.

The Archers Wednesday 9th November 2011: Brenda gives marketing advice

(oh dear - it's not as if Tony and Pat need another disaster!)

• There’s no website, no piggy football and no comments section
• Sexist or true enough?
• Elona moves in
• Tom advocates violence against Helen
• Tony might tip his soup
• Pat and Tony on Kylie’s return
• Brenda’s allowed to the meeting
• A whole pub full of Horrobins

There’s no website, no piggy football and no comments section

Tom’s lost the plot.

He reckons he has pigs playing football online. A website showing the video. And a comments section where folks are debating:

[Tom] “Was the little pig offside when he took the pass?”

No Tom. You’ve made it all up.

Unless someone can find it – it’s either not there, or I’ve been blocked …


Sexist or true enough?

Brenda said to Tom:

[Tom] “Okay, I know you’ll never understand the offside rule, but it’s life or death to some people”

Now – first reaction is that Tom is a sexist prig.

But, think about it, and he’s probably right.

I wouldn’t have though Busty Brenda would be much of a footy fan, let alone have the capacity to follow the offside rule being explained with the aid of a few cans of beer and a bottle of tomato sauce …


Elona moves in

To No.3 next door to Tom and Brenda.

They both say hello, Tom asks whether they have a motorbike (oh hardy har), to wish Elona promises they’ll be quiet.

[Brenda] “Ah, she’s sweet … she’s really nice, I’m so pleased she’s moving in”

I wonder if Elona feels the same.

Or whether she’s a bit annoyed she’s discovered her neighbours are to be an arrogant w**ker and a rather dense busty blonde.

(Brenda is blonde, isn’t she? I’ve always seen her that way. Just like Adam has hair redder than a fire engine)


Tom advocates violence against Helen

Tom to Brenda:

[Tom] “Don’t take any rubbish from Helen. If she steps out of line, just stamp on her”

Steady on!

Mind you, I’ve puts odds on Helen in a punch-up with Brenda.


Tony might tip his soup

Seems the phrase ‘Peggy’s birthday’ can’t be uttered when Tony is around. But Pat is getting fed up of him insisting that he can’t be sat next to Jennifer at the lunch:

[Pat] “So you’ll do what? Make a scene? Tip your soup on the floor?!?”

[Tony] “I can’t answer for the consequences …”

I just hope Grey Gables isn’t serving trifle that day.


Pat and Tony on Kylie’s return

Pat reckons she’ll be really interested to meet Kylie. Though Tony doesn’t hold much hope for her being a decent person – he was as unamused with Sharon as he is with Clive.

[Pat] “She (Kylie) and John got on well too … he was really fond of her … I have to say I’m glad Sharon’s not coming down”

And they’ve put Hayley’s mind at rest that Sharon isn’t coming to the funeral.

That was a bit of a web, wasn’t it?


Brenda’s allowed to the meeting

To talk about the Ambridge Organics brand.

Tom is still being a twit about them not using Tom Archer’s (now there’s a surprise). He reckons they’ve turned down the “hottest brand in Ambridge and gone for something watered down”.

Ach – just shush up there now, will you Tom.

Funny thing though – Pat tells Tom that they had a customer phoning them saying how much they live the piggy footy, and that they’re likely to order again.

So – Tom’s pigs are creating more custom for Bridge Farm!

Take that, you insufferable little man.

Anyhoo – point of the meeting was to talk about the rebranding and relaunch of Bridge Farm as Ambridge Organics. Brenda has a contact who can advise, so it’s full steam ahead.

Nice to hear Tony and Pat feeling positive about something. Especially as it’s doing it their way, not Tom’s way.


A whole pub full of Horrobins

Is Tony’s idea of hell.

He’s not looking forward to the funeral. Obviously because it’s a funeral, but mainly because it involves a gathering of Horrobins.

[Tony] “A whole pub full of Horrobins, all that emotions and alcohol slaushing about … it’d be like sticking half a dozen ferrets in a sack. There will be fur flying by the end of it.”

The Archers Tuesday 8th November 2011: Welcome back Kylie

• Elona’s moving into No. 3
• All’s well with the Mart
• Harry is off to Poland
• Knickers in John’s bed
• Tony still isn’t being nice
• Kylie calls
• Jennifer’s dysfunctional family
• Falls to Lilian

Elona’s moving into No. 3

Let’s see if she does turn out to be a good ‘un …

But I am still hoping her teenage daughters play loud music to keep Tom up at night …


All’s well with the Mart

I was very worried about those electrics (!)


Harry is off to Poland

To see Zofia.

Not that we hear it from the man himself. It’s Susan, back gossiping (but obviously still very sad) at the village shop.


Knickers in John’s bed

Susan mentions Kylie and Sharon to Lilian, who takes a while to remember them. Then:

[Lilian] “Oh Sharon! The one who left her knickers in John’s bed … family legend!”

Tony still isn’t being nice

Jennifer bumps into Tony, and gives him a brace of pheasants (which she’d been intending to take to him anyway at Bridge Farm).

But, he’s not very forthcoming with gratitude. In fact, he’s downright rude to her.

Very similar to the way Helen behaved to him in the exact same spot (outside the village shop) before Henry was born.

Must run in that part of the family – not being able to forgive and forget.

To rub salt into the wounds:

[Tony]”I expect you’ve seen Tom’s pig video on the internet, it’s been a huge success, getting thousands of hits … it all shows what you can do, how much you can achieve when the family works together to help each other out”

Tony! That’s shocking behaviour!

As if any of what you said was true – and it was hurtful enough to send Jennifer off very upset.

Enough already. You should have known not to expect much of Jennifer anyway when it comes to money – and she is your sister.


Kylie calls

She sounds alright.

Kylie was calling Susan to sort out her coming down for the funeral. As Kylie is coming down from Lancaster, she’ll need to stay overnight.

She was going to ask her granddad, but wasn’t sure if there would be room – and, of course, Susan offers her a room at hers.

Which is all fine and good.

So – nature or nurture?

Will Kylie be a good ‘un for real?


Jennifer’s dysfunctional family

That exchange with Tony has really hurt Jennifer.

She’s worried about her family not pulling together (as Tony claims his does).

Brian is rowing with Adam (well, Brian reckons it’s a “frank exchange of views”). Adam and Debbie are also rowing. And, Debbie is coming over this Friday but isn’t staying. Jennifer would have preferred her overnight so that they could have a family meal.

She brings up to Brian what Tony said:

[Jennifer] “How they’ve united in the face of adversity, while we’re all at each other’s throats”

Ah Jennifer, if only you knew. All you Archers – just the same when it comes down to it.


Falls to Lilian

Tony’s round at Lilian’s to talk about Peggy’s seating plan for her birthday lunch,.

Tony doesn’t want to sit next to Jennifer.

[Lilian] “Can’t we all try and behave like grown-ups, You’ve got my little loan to help you out, and it’s time to move on … If that what mum wants,. You’ll just have to deal with it darling”

But, Lilian is easily persuaded by Tony, so agrees to talk to Peggy. Without telling her that to9ny doesn’t want to sit next to Jennifer. So that she doesn’t have to explain what the fallout is about.

Ach well. A couple of gins first, and Lilian will wing it perfectly.

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 8th November 2011: Neil tackles Clive, Daniel tackles Raife

• Neil starts to lose his temper
• Who is Gavin?
• Neil kicks Clive out
• Clive scares Daniel
• Don’t call me, I’ll call you
• Daniel was “epic”

Neil starts to lose his temper

[Neil] “Any idea where your mum kept her bin bags Clive?”

But Clive isn’t listening. He’s found a photo album, and is looking through it.

[Neil] “Clive, enough. We’re not here to take a wander down memory lane!”

[Clive] “Fine. I got you. Thanks for being so sensitive”

I think Clive had a point – he was enjoying looking at the old family photos, but Neil was there to clear out Ivy’s stuff as Susan couldn’t face it. Time and place, methinks.


Who is Gavin?

A bit of a stirrer, by the sounds of it.

He’s a mate of Daniel’s and is winding Daniel up about Erin.

[Gavin] “Get in there. The whole school thinks you’re together anyway”

Daniel is a gent and truthfully says there’s nothing going on, but Gavin wants to push it. He tells Daniel that Raife has been saying stuff like Erin was possessive, and:

[Gavin] “She’d thought she’d seduce a little boy instead that she can control”

Later on – Gavin then shows Daniel what Raife has been saying about Erin on Facebook. Stuff like -warning, bunny boiler alter – how’s your new boyfriend, does he like used goods – and such nonsense.

But, it’s enough to enrage Daniel, who storms off to go and find Raife …


Neil kicks Clive out

Hurrah!

Clive’s upstairs going through Ivy’s stuff. Amongst the old dentures (!), he finds £300 in notes.

Just as he is about to pocket them, Neil walks in and catches him.

Bit shouting match ensues.

[Clive] “You don’t want to cause you’ll know what she’ll say … Sue knows I’ve changed … she’s the only who has ever cared … you just wait til she hears how she’s been treating your brother”

[Neil] “Get out … I’m not letting you take advantage any longer … are you going to hit me, I wonder whose side Susan will be on then!”

And Clive doth exit.


Clive scares Daniel

As Neil is kicking Clive out, Daniel is passing the house on his bike.

Neil’s telling Clive to go away after the funeral – Daniel sounds scared.

[Clive to Daniel] “What you looking at?!?”

[Daniel] “Erm, nothing”

[Neil] “Don’t you talk to him!”

Course, Clive doesn’t realize who Daniel is, but Neil knows that Daniel will be quite rightly terrified at the sight (and sound) of Clive.

After Clive has left:

[Daniel] “Aren’t you scared? Talking to him like that? Aren’t you worried? He might come back to hurt you”

[Neil] “Nah, he won’t. Anyway, what’s the alternative, just to him get away with it … and let him carry on hurting people. No, it won’t do Daniel. Sometimes you’ve just got to stand up to people like that”

Quite right Neil. And good on you.

Heroes sometimes come in pig man sizes.


Don’t call me, I’ll call you

After having a rather bad time with Neil, Clive tries to cheer himself by getting more work from Matt.

Actually, he starts begging. Which wasn’t pretty to hear.

[Matt] “Don’t ring me again. I’ll call you if I need anything”

Aha! Couldn’t have happened to a nice bloke.


Daniel was “epic”

So it seems.

[Gavin] “Serious mate, that was epic. No-one talks to Raife like that!”

Amongst other things, Daniel went up to Raife and called him a loser.

Daniel – to himself - I could feel myself shaking, it was like someone else was talking

[Gavin] “You completely shamed him. Erin's going to be so impressed … when Erin finds out, I guarantee you you’re going to be get the best birthday present ever”

Not so sure about that. I don’t think today’s young ladies like having their “honor defended”.

The Archers Monday 7th November 2011: Nic and Clarrie go shopping

• Ruth puts her welly in it
• Nic’s a kind wee soul
• Freddie went out on his first hunt
• David’s not for vaccinating
• Bert came first
• Jim’s a good chap

Ruth puts her welly in it

Nic is telling Christine about her wedding plans when Ruth ambles along and says:

[Ruth] “You can never have too many weddings!”

[Nic] “Well one will be quite enough for me, thanks”

Oops. Not the best thing to say to the blushing bride of Mr Will Grundy!


Nic’s a kind wee soul

And sounds like she genuinely likes and cares for Clarrie.

Bout time sometime like Clarrie just for being Clarrie.

They’re out looking at wedding dresses, but Nic can’t make up her mind. One of them is kinda sexy, but she thinks the pleating is a bit fussy.

She’s also talking about whether to choose between Sham el Shake in Egypt, or the Cape Verde Islands (nice!).

[Clarrie] “Me and Eddie thought we were lucky to get to Torremolinos”

Nic decides she’s going to look on the internet for a wedding dress (more choice and cheaper), but she still wants Clarrie to help choose both that and the honeymoon.

Lovely. Looks like Clarrie has the caring kid (and daughter) she always deserved.


Freddie went out on his first hunt

And Oliver was impressed with how he handled it.


David’s not for vaccinating

Oliver has been talking badgers to David.

[David] “You know they’ve been trying alternative methods to culling … now he wants to try vaccination”

But that would mean a vaccination program over the while area, involving all the farms (big and small).

And it’d be a commitment for a whole 5 years, during which they’d have to trap every badger every year to vaccinate it.

David isn’t impressed, but as NFU president, he has to take it forward.

Actually – I’m hoping Oliver’s elixir process to do the trick. Really like the idea of farmers tip-toeing round badger sets to sprinkle the magic …


Bert came first

At Brampton Green ploughing competition.

Well done Bert.


Jim’s a good chap

Christine’s worrying about Ivy’s funeral. It’d mean Clive being in the village, near her home.

Seems Jim has a lecture to give at the U3A (University of the Third age), so David suggests she can either come to Brookfield, or:

[David] “Talk to Jim first. I’m sure held like to know how you feel”

But no need. Jim had already thought it through himself, and cancelled his lecture to take Christine out for the day instead.

[David] “Good all Jim, eh”

[Christine] “Oh it’s so sweet of him. He’s such a kind and sensitive man”

Indeed he is.

The Archers Sunday 6th November 2011: Tom Archer’s versus Henry Archer’s

• Sharon’s back
• We missed Bonfire Night
• Snorting about a baby alarm
• The Tom Archer’s V Henry Archer’s argument in (nearly) full
• Hello Ambridge Organics

Sharon’s back

(not really)

Susan’s trying to get hold of Kylie, at Clive’s insistence, but she isn’t sure if the number she has for Sharon is even the right one anymore.

[Neil] “Kylie is Clive’s daughter, he’s the one that should be calling her, not you …”

[Susan] “I don’t want to talk about it!”

When Susan does get through, it sounded like some young lad answered. When Sharon came on, she told Susan that Kylie is away at University.

After a bit of back and forth – Sharon didn’t want to give Susan Kylie’s number, and most certainly didn’t want to come to the funeral herself:

[Sharon] “Not all that way. Not back to Ambridge …”

Sharon gives in and gives Susan Kylie’s number.

Susan speaks to Kylie later on (we don’t get to hear it) and she reckons Kylie is a nice girl, friendly, sad to hear about Ivy and was interested in the family.

[Susan] “Not like Sharon at all”

(well, can you blame her? Kylie won’t remember anything of Ambridge)


We missed Bonfire Night

That was a shame.

But seems it did go ahead at the Village Green, so Hilary Noakes didn’t get her wish after all.

Mind you, there’s always next year to try and ruin …


Snorting about a baby alarm

That’s really the level he’s sunk to.

He hasn’t even got the patience to wait for Helen to get the monitor on before they start their family meeting.

I’ve said it before, but what an a*se!


The Tom Archer’s V Henry Archer’s argument in (nearly) full

So, D-day for what the next step is for the Bridge Farm brand.

Here’s what happened over the kitchen table …

First, Pat had the good news that Morgan’s have also started ordering again (as well as Grey Gables) – in fact, Morgan’s have upped their order.

[Pat] “Early days … but it shows that the bridge Farm brand has some life in it”

[Tom] “Come on, let’s stay real here, two customers out of how many? It’s hardly a turnaround”

[Pat] “It’s a beginning”

[Helen] “Here we go …”

[Tony] “We’re got to start somewhere!”

[Tom] “All I’m saying is it’s been how long now? We all know how dire the situation is financially … we can’t afford to wait … if we need to save the business, we really have to go for a radical change”

[Helen] “Whoa, whoa, let’s just stop right there shall we … I might as well say this right now, I’m not going to work under the Tom Archer brand”

[Tom] “What! … well that’s just great, isn’t it. So what exactly are we here for?”

[Helen] “It’s quite simple. This isn’t your business Tom, it’s the whole family’s … so whatever name we choose, it should reflect that”

[Tom] “Okay, if you just let me explain the reasons why …”

[Helen] “No. I’m sorry,. It just wouldn’t be fair to market our goods under any one of our names. You can see that, surely?”

[Tom] “Well fine. If you won’t even listen to my point of view”

Tom wonders aloud if there’s a “hidden agenda” to try and veto his suggestions - Helen calls him paranoid.

[Tom] “Maybe I should take my business and go somewhere else and startup on my own”

[Tony] “Oh for goodness sake!”

So Pat interrupts to calm everyone down, and tells everyone to start again.

[Tom] “Actually, if you think about it, it’s quite a big thing I’m trying to do here”

[Helen] “What, take over the business!

[Tom] “No!”

[Pat] “Alright, calm and sensible, remember”

Tom reckons he’s doing everyone a big favor by giving them a “slice of his success”.

And that he is suggesting they use a family name – it may be Tom Archer’s – but it’s the Archer bit that’s important

(*snort*!)

[Helen] “Yes, and ooh look, it just happens to have Tom in front of it”

Tom then launches at Helen for her wanting to have Henry Archer’s as the brand. She reckons it’d make no difference to Tom (after all, he did just say that the important bit was Archer) and that it would also work well in focus groups.

Eh? I don’t follow Helen on that one.

And it gave Tom the opportunity to poi8nt out that Brenda should be at this meeting.

[Tony] “if you’d both shut up for a moment and let me say something …”

Tony, quite calmly, reminds Helen and Tom that this is a business he and Pat have spent years building up. And they did that to be able to hand the business over to their kids. If there isn’t a business sot hand over, then he reckons they’ve failed.

[Tony] “The Bridge Farm brand means everything to me … it’s been a very hard decision, but I do accept that things are so desperate that we do have to rebrand …”

And here’s where Tony has had a moment of genius.

He suggests that they rebrand – and that they rebrand everything to be Ambridge Organics.

It’s already in existence. It’s netural to all the family. And, it has no associations to the Bridge Farm brand.

Very clever indeed.


Hello Ambridge Organics

Tony reckon Tom seemed happy enough when leaving their meeting.

[Pat] “Well happy might be overdoing it … that was a skillful bit of mediation Tony, well done”

They both reckon Tom will go along with compromise – so that’s done and dusted then.

[Pat] “It definitely feels like the end of something. An era”

[Tony] “Well no point in being sentimental … it’s not about us anymore. It’s the kids. Their future. So it’s goodbye Bridge Farm and hello Ambridge Organics!”

The Archers Friday 4th November 2011: Plans for Ivy’s funeral

• Jennifer was right to be nervous
• Neil reckons Tom is a damn good pig man
• Phew! Here comes Alan
• Susan defends Clive

Jennifer was right to be nervous

About talking to Tony.

Brian had poo-pooed her earlier on for being a bit worried:

[Brian] “It’s Tony. It’s hardly worth getting worked up about”

[Jennifer] “Well you don’t know him like I do … I can assure hell be going out of his way to be awkward”

[Brian] “Well in that case he’s pathetic. And frankly darling, I’ve got better things to be worried about”

Oo-er Brian! That was rather catty.

An awkward Tony or electrical problems at the Mart – what’s more important?!?

Anyhoo – when Jennifer gets to Bridge Farm, Tony doesn’t welcome her with open arms. He keeps her waiting, then doesn’t offer her a coffee and tries to rush her as he has to go and to cut cabbages.

When Jennifer tells him about the lunch for Peggy’s birthday, Tony is immediately irritated that she’s asked everyone else first.

[Tony] “Now you’re getting round to me and Pat. The bottom of the list”

[Jennifer] “I know you’d want to be there. It’s just a formality really”

[Tony] “Oh I see. We’re a formality”

[Jennifer] “Tony, it’s a family do!”

[Tony]”You expect us to be good dutiful members of the family …”

[Jennifer] “It’s your mum!”

[Tony] “It’s a shame you didn’t feel so family minded when Pat and I needed your support!”

And he storms off.

See, Brian. Jennifer was quite right to be a bit nervy about seeing Tony. He’s not a man to forget and forgive in a hurry.


Neil reckons Tom is a damn good pig man

[Tony] “But this obsession with the internet, all this piggy football rubbish!”

Tony is still on (and on) about Tom being wrong that his piggy footy will make a difference to sales.

[Tony]”I wouldn’t mind so much if he wasn’t in such a hurry to undo everything that Pat and I have tried to build up … he seems to be determined to obliterate all traces of it”

Tony doesn’t believe that the Bridge Farm brand is irreversibly tainted. But, as Neil points out, Tom’s sales are picking up. Is it the piggy footy, or being separate from Bridge Farm?

And Neil does have a vested interested. Seems Bridge Farm is his best customer.


Phew! Here comes Alan

Susan is talking to Alan about Ivy’s funeral.

I do feel happier when Alan reappears in the midst of a crisis. He’s such a clam chap, who always has the right words to say.

Susan’s worried about the family. Bert is still in shock, and she’s worried about what’ll happen next to the Horrobin clan.

[Susan] “She’d want me to keep things together, the family and that. It was usually me she turned to”

Susan wants joyful hymns for the funeral. She asks for Dear Lord and Father of Mankind, Amazing Grace, Praise My Soul the King of Heaven and Abide with Me (for her dad).

[Susan] “I ought to mention my brother Clive will be there too”

[Alan] “And he’ll be very welcome”

Hmmm. Looks like Alan will be the only one welcoming Clive anywhere.


Susan defends Clive

It really didn’t take Susan much time to only see the better side of Clive.

She reckons he’s being quite helpful. He took his dad to the pub,. And is off today with Gary to buy new shirts for the funeral.

[Neil] “I wonder how much he’s making on the deal …”

[Susan] “I know he’s done some terrible things but I really think he’s trying to stay out of trouble”

[Neil] “I doubt that”

[Susan] “At least he was out of prison for mum's last few weeks and he’s looking for work … at least she was happy about that … I’ll always feel grateful to him for that, cheering up her last few weeks”

[Neil] “So long as you don’t get taken in by it. He’s never going to change”

[Susan] “Well he won’t as long as people keep putting him down all the time”

[Neil] “I just don’t want you to be let down again, that’s all”

[Susan] “I’m quite capable of making my own mind up than you Neil … at least he’s given me some help and support, which is more than I can say for the rest of them”

Oh deary me.

Susan’s going to have to learn the hard way. Again.

The Archers Thursday 3rd November 2011: Brookfield to turn supermarket?

• “Why bother?” reckons Ruth
• Is it fair to have Roy as best man? Again?
• Phil Archer has his say
• Helen, Shania Twain and some sort of Celtic ditty
• Clive should stay away from The Bull

“Why bother?” reckons Ruth

Seems Brookfield’s herd have done fine this year, but they need to make a healthy profit every year. If not, why bother, Ruth reckons.

She’s despondent at yet another not great year.

What’s more, Ruth reckons the best prices to be had for their milk is to sell it direct to supermarkets.

But, David warns that it’s getting tougher to get and to keep supermarket contracts. Plus it seems the contracts come with some fairly tough stipulations – like scoring the cows (on everything from how they walk to the state of their hocks.

[David] “Think of all the form filling. And if you slip up, you lose the contract … I’m just saying it’s not straight forward, even if we get one”

But Ruth (and Pip) reckon they should at least try to get one.


Is it fair to have Roy as best man? Again?

Will has to pop the question to Roy today. And he’s wondering if it’s actually fair on Nic to have Roy as best man, considering he was also best man first time round when Will married Emma.

But:

[Will] “I got you trained up now”

And Roy reckons it would be a pleasure.

After all – why blame Roy for the last time? Surely Ed had something more to do with it …


Phil Archer has his say

(through David)

Ruth and David are still talking about how Brookfield isn’t quite the profitable enterprise it should be.

Their grazing paddocks haven’t gone as planned. They were meant to cut down their production costs but, they haven’t.

[Ruth] “Why is everything so complicated?”

[David] “It’s farming love, if it was easy everyone would be doing it”

(and there speaks a true farmer. It’s only farming that’s a difficult way of life, of course …)

[Ruth] “Pip thinks it’s easy. Sign up to a direct supply contract. Get our beef on the social media sites. And the world will come beating a path to our door … not to mention the money we’d be making”

[David] “Dad always said there wasn’t any quick fixes in farming. It’s paying attention to detail, plus you’ve got to be in it for the long haul”

[Ruth] “It’s been a long haul alright. Only I’m still not sure if we’re getting anywhere”

[David] “Old pasture always does better in a drought than new lays”

(is what Phil also used to say)

So all’s well with that utterance.

Off David and Ruth trot to introduce a wider range of species into their pastures to make them drought resistant.


Helen, Shania Twain and some sort of Celtic ditty

Helen has said yes to being Nic’s bridesmaid (with Mia). Seems she thinks it would cheer her up.

Nic has decided on some sort of Celtic water type music for walking up the isle

(and no – that’s not Celtic football – so it isn’t sectarian …)

Shania Twain’s “Still the One” will play while they’re signing.

Clarrie’s doing the cake.

AND Nic asks Clarrie if she’s accompany her to look at wedding dresses.

Which Clarrie is delighted about. She’s never had the chance to do so before, considering she has two boys (and an Emma).

So all’s well so far with the wedding plans. Hurrah!


Clive should stay away from The Bull

Clive comes into The Bull when Will, Roy and David are propping up the bar.

Whole Roy reckons everyone deserves a second chance (that’ll explain why he puts up with so much from Kate!). David and Will don’t quite concur.

[Will] “Not round here he’s not … it’s not as if she’ ever going to change. He’s like a fox. It’s in his nature”

[David] “How he’s got the nerve …”

There’s hope Clive will be on his way after Ivy’s funeral.

[Will] “And if he doesn’t want to move after that, there's a few round here who’d willingly give him a good sendoff”

Mind you, that’s a lot of talk and no action.

They didn’t utter a word to Clive.

Passive aggression in Ambridge …

Ambridge Extra Thursday 3rd November 2011: Clive thinks he is smarter than Matt

• Sloppy seconds
• Clive really is a w*nker
• Alistair approves of Erin’s wheels
• And now Clive goes for the money shot …
• Shula’s setting up Erin

Sloppy seconds

Clive’s doing some dodgy deal with Bernie.

Sounds like he’s buying a bathroom from Bernie. It’s a second hand one (how does that happen, by the way?) which Clive is going to sell onto Matt as new.

Clive fits the bathroom – but Matt does spot that there are marks on them.

But, Clive twists it round. He reckons that’s the way he got them from Bernie, and Bernie won’t be happy if they complain. If Bernie isn’t happy, they can’t do any more deals. Which means having to buy in more expensive stock. And anyway, it’s only a rental property.

Matt seems to fall for it.

Clive – to himself - like taking sweets from a baby – who is using who now Mr big shot. You’re not as smart as you think you are

Hmmm.

I think matt has underestimated Clive, but Clive would do well to also not underestimate Matt.


Clive really is a w*nker

Clive is being horrible to Bert. His dad. Recently widowed (husband of the recently departed Ivy).

He’s taken him out to the pub, but Clive really interested in looking after or helping Bert.

It’s all about Clive, Clive, Clive …

Bert’s getting the pints on (!), is a bit wobbly and upset, spills the beer on Clive’s phone, Clive shouts at him (!!) and tells him to go get a cloth (!!!).

Clive – to himself - dozy old fool, look at this mess, can’t he do anything right

Clive then says to Bert that he doesn’t know why Susan is bothering inviting Kylie – after insisting to Susan that she must invite Kylie.

As I said above.

What a w*nker.


Alistair approves of Erin’s wheels

And reckons her parents must have bags of money to be able to buy insurance for her.

At one point, he shouts “nice ride” over to Erin, which is a tad inappropriate.

But it’s all another point in Erin’s favor. Good looking. Intelligent. Talented. A plan for her life. And rich parents.

All it needs now is for Erin to actually fancy Daniel.


And now Clive goes for the money shot …

[Clive] “Listen dad, about mum, I don’t suppose you’ve had a chance to think about what she’s leaving us?”
Here we go.

Clive’s going onto Bert about how he has nothing to remember Ivy by. Not even a photo.

He spins Bert a story about how Ivy told him (Clive) that she wanted him (Clive) to make a better life for himself. Including wife and kids.

[Clive] “She said she wanted me to have her rings. Engagement and wedding ring. Didn’t she tell you … how she said it was I should have them, so that even when she weren’t around anymore I could look at them to remind me that she were watching and not to disappoint her …. Her last wish was that I should find someone to give them to …”

Bert starts crying.

[Bert] “Yes, well, I suppose if that’s what she wanted. Alright then. It’s not like I’ll be needing them anymore”

Clive – to himself - what does he care anyway? He’ll never know. At least I’ll be able to make some use of them.

Again. What a w*nker.


Shula’s setting up Erin

Daniel’s not around when Erin calls, so Shula steps in to make sure Erin still visits after their homework project is finished.

She does so by offering up Alistair.

Erin’s now going to go out on rounds with Alistair

Shula – to herself - I’m only trying to help. She deserves some support

Mum and dad involved in trying to get Daniel a girlfriend … this can’t end well, surely.

The Archers Wednesday 2nd November 2011: Pigs Go Viral!

• Oliver’s elixir helps badgers
• Who let Ed’s cows out?
• Kenton wants Tom’s spicy sausages
• Damn that Shelly Brazil!
• It’s still all about Clive …
• Brenda is not happy

Oliver’s elixir helps badgers

It’s TB test time for Ed. While he is quite nervous about.

His cows are shiny and milking well. And Oliver reassures hum that they’re not in a “hot spot” area, nor one which is an official badger culling area.

In fact. Olive has been doing his bit as well.

Seems he’s been outing an “elixir” down at the badger sets to help their immunity.

Nice Oliver.

Later on, Ed wonders whether they should take part in the badger vaccination. They can do so voluntarily, though they would need a group of local farmers to also take part. So, Ed’s off to ask David (with his NFU hat on).

[Oliver] “Well you can try. But he’s no friend of the Badger!”

Who let Ed’s cows out?

Ed was called out to Waterly Cross Road to round up some of his young ‘uns that had got onto the road.
Oliver seemed quite excited about it.

[Oliver] “Right, what are we waiting for!”

But once they get there (and get the cows back in with Tom and Brenda’s help), Ed reckons they’d got out through the gate.

[Tom] “Stupid walkers. You’d think they’d know better”

[Ed] “It was deliberate though. Someone meant to let them out”

Seems the gate is hard to lift open, so it couldn’t have just been nudged by the cows or blown open by the wind.

Wonder who would have done that?


Kenton wants Tom’s spicy sausages

Brave Kenton.

Especially as talking to Tom means you get a free half hour lecture on how Tom is right and his folks are wrong.

[Tom] “We need to change the branding and move on … until Mum and da come to terms with the digital age”

Ah, shush there Tom.


Damn that Shelly Brazil!

Seems she has 8,000 Twitter followers.

(which is a surprisingly large number for a local, minor version of a celeb chief, but I shall not quibble)

And she has Tweeted out Tom’s pigs playing football.

And when he checks it later on, his video has had over 23,000 hits.

[Tom] “That’s 23 thousand my boy. Piggy football is going viral!”

Damn it!

Tom is going to be insufferable.


It’s still all about Clive …

I’m starting to wish he’d do something psychotic to stop his constant moaning.

He offers to take Bert to the pub.

Which is (I suppose) helpful.

But then:

[Clive to Susan] “Yeah well, he’s lost his cook and cleaner. Poor old boy. He won’t know where he is … Still he’s got you … you’ll be popping round with the odd stew I’m sure”

[Susan] “One of us has got to. Don't see anybody else rushing to help!”

But no – Clive reckons he would help, it’s just that he always gets elbowed out of the way.

He’s now also annoyed that no-one has asked him about the funeral.

[Clive] “Well. Let me know. I wouldn't want to miss it …And what about Kylie? Has anyone been in touch with her. She’ll need to know. She’ll want to be at her nan’s funeral”

And classic Clive – he leaves it to Susan to call Kylie. He reckons he hasn’t got her number, and he can’t call as things aren’t good between him and Sharon (Kylie’s mum).

Then, once he’s been to the pub with Bert, he hardly sounds sympathetic to Bert being in shock.

[Clive] “Rambling … Remember that time we all went down to Weymouth … something about the old girl stepping on a crab … then for no reason at all he started burbling about the council putting him on half time”

Where Susan sees Bert as finally breaking down and showing his grief, Clive:

[Clive] “I wouldn’t count on it. He’s probably just missing having his meals cooked for him”

[Susan] “You don’t change, do you. You have to see the worst in everyone”

Clive calms down and says to take no notice of him. He’s just used to “ducking and diving”. Susan tells him that he can change.

Then he asks her for a bacon sarnie and a lift to Felpersham.

Which she agrees to.

Looks like Susan can’t change either.


Brenda is not happy

About not being seen as an official part of the Archer clan by Tony (as yet), and that she can’t add her valuable expertise and wisdom to the meeting about how to market Bridge Farm.

[Brenda] “The only thing that’s going to get bridge Farm out of the mire is good marketing, and who knows all about it … and what constitutes family? You can see why I feel hurt. After all the effort I made!”

And worse still – someone else has had an idea!

[Brenda] “You’ve heard Helen’s latest idea on rebranding. Everything goes under the brand name Henry’s”

[Tom] “You’re not serious!”

[Brenda] “She is. I think …”

[Tom] “No way!”

[Brenda] “It’s got a certain ring to it …”

[Tom] “I don’t care if it chimes like big ben. It’s not going to happen”

Hark him!

Feeling threatened by a baby …

The Archers Tuesday 1st November 2011: The first shoot of the season

• Susan’s worrying
• Well done Will
• Emma’s being helpful
• Never say never
• Bert and Gary’s choices of hymns
• Poignant moment between George and Emma

Susan’s worrying

She’s up at 5am worrying about how her dad and Gary will cope.

[Susan] “can’t even boil an egg!”

But she’s going to make them a nice beef casserole. And she has her trusty Neil by her side to help. Which is especially important considering the fridge is harboring bacon that’s been languishing since August.
Susan is taking this all very hard. She’s even got a locum into do the Post Office, and is taking a few days away from Bridge Farm, without a word of complaint or stress.


Well done Will

Seems the shoot went very well indeed.

They may have had to have an extra shoot in the morning to avoid rain later in the day – but the beaters turned up, Jennifer served her Venison Goulash for lunch, and there was shooting aplenty.

Even Matt reckoned he’d had a “splendid” day. And he gave Will £50.


Emma’s being helpful

Which would normally be a shocker, but she is genuinely upset about her gran dying.

She was in early at the house, doing the hovering and tidying.

I don’t normally have much good to say about Emma, but thank goodness she is there for Susan.


Never say never

At the shoot, Matt was hassling Brian about the Mart. That time is ticking, and that it has to be done to deadline, or no-one will be having a good Christmas.

Brian reassures that all is well.

But, later, Brian receives a call. Seems there’s a problem with the wiring that he needs to rush off to see about.

Oh dear.

Jennifer and Brian become destitute, but Tony steps in to let them sleep in his barn?

He’d love that.


Bert and Gary’s choices of hymns

Ivy’s funeral will be on Thursday. It’ll be a service of thanksgiving at St Stephen’s and then onto the crematorium.

Susan reckons Bert (her dad) will want Abide with Me as a hymn. Mainly because it’s sung at the cup final.

[Neil] “Gary will probably go for Bart Simpson”

[Susan] “That’s okay. If that what he wants”

Susan is being very reflective, and also very tender towards what the rest of the family needs. It’s what ivy would have wanted,

[Susan] “She’s do anything for us. I just wish we’d done a bit more to make her happy too”

Poignant moment between George and Emma

[George] “She died. But I didn’t want her to”

[Emma] “None of us wanted her too. It’s just what happens to people when they get old”

[George] “Are you going to die?”

[Emma] “One day. But not for a long long time …”

[George] “Will she come back one day?”

[Emma] “No, I’m afraid not. But we’ll all remember her. Especially if we try hard.”

At first, George only remembers Ivy’s cough – but then Emma coxes him onto remembering her in her apron. The ones with the dogs on it.

So Emma takes George off to draw Granny Ivy in her apron (with the dogs on it) so that they can keep it and look at it to remember her.

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 1st November 2011: Lilian takes Matt to task about Clive

• Clive had bacon this time
• Clive on his mum dying
• Daniel nearly gets an early Christmas
• An excruciating tea
• Clive on what happened to Clive when his mum died
• Lilian is furious!

Clive had bacon this time

But I don’t think Matt bought it for him.

Though Matt did him £175 for “the lot “ (sink, drainer, mixer tap, pipework), which one assumes Clive is to buy from that bloke Bernie on the hush.


Clive on his mum dying

Matt tells Clive that he’s sorry to hear about Ivy dying.

[Matt] “But even so, at least you managed to spend some time with her before she died”

After Matt later gives Clive some cash for a point and lets him off early:

[Clive] “Cheers for the cash. My mum really appreciated you giving me chance. It ain't like I’ve done much in my life what made her happy, but seeing there was someone, you know, who did think I were all bad”

[Matt] “Yeah, well, like I said at least her last memoires of you inside. Yeah, I’m sure it made her happy to have you home and trying to turn your life around”

Clive reckons the last time he saw, he was causing her grief. Which he was, as he was angry he wasn’t allowed to see George. Clive says he regrets not seeing her one last time after that.al’ mum died.

[Clive] “All my mum ever did was work for other people, cleaning their house, ironing their clothes, and what did it get her. She worked herself to the bone and all she ever wanted was to see her family happy”

You know – Clive sounded quite genuine. Like he really wanted to open up and talk about it.

But, Matt didn’t sound too comfortable. He’s not that sort of bloke. And, he hardly made much of a fuss when his'real' mum died ...


Daniel nearly gets an early Christmas

Erin’s round at Daniel’s for tea.

[Erin] “Wow Daniel, so this is where you live!”

Daniel’s wishes nearly all come at once - Erin then says she wants to change out of her school gear.

But, Shula turns up at the same time.

Not that Daniel really stands a chance. It’d be more like him to watch through the keyhole, or setup a webcam.


An excruciatingly tea

So Daniel gets to sit down with his (not) girlfriend, mum and dad.

Shula – to herself - didn’t expect so pretty… she could be 20 … hope she’s in Daniels’ league … so talented

Alistair – to himself (about Daniel) - someone’s anxious about looking cool

Shula – to herself - girls will be girls. I just don’t want Daniel getting a broken heart

Alistair to himself – Daniel, poor lad, it looks like he’s being tortured

Shula – to herself - perhaps I was wrong about her. Maybe she’s just what Daniel needs …

Once Daniel gets Erin to himself:

[Daniel] “Sorry about my parents. I didn’t know they were going to give you the full Guantanamo treatment!”

But Erin reckons they were nice and that she likes them.

Not that Erin has seen his home life, extra points for Daniel?


Clive on what happened to Clive when his mum died

Matt and Clive are having a rather long chin-wag. They’re still talking though Clive has money in his pocket for a pint.

[Clive] “Chris’ Alice, she couldn’t just stop staring. Like I was a creature from another planet”

Clive reckons Susan was organising everyone, so wasn’t letting anyone do anything.

Aye right then! It’s all about poor Clive being left out.

[Clive] “It made me sick … knowing that half of them didn’t want me there”

[Matt] “Just cause you’re related by blood don’t mean you’ve got anything in common … and then you’re expect to owe ‘em something … at the end of the day, the only person you can rely on is yourself”

Lilian is furious!

Lilian catches Matt having his chinwag with Clive.

She is not amused. Once she gets Matt outside:

[Lilian] “You promised … you said you’d get rid of him”

[Matt] “That was the last job”

[Lilian] “You’re not going to wriggle out of it Matt”

[Matt] “What does it matter anyway. As long as he’s useful …”

[Lilian] “This still has nothing to do with hiring a psychopath”

[Matt] “He’s cheap, he does what he’s told and when he stops being useful, I’ll get shot of him, for goodness sake Lilian, I’m not doing this out of the goodness of my heart!”

[Lilian] “I asked you not to do it at all. I mean for pity sake what if Christine found out we were employing him. Or Shula or Jill of half of my family who that man terrorized, you know how they feel about him … I want you to get rid of him”

Matt’s reasoning us that by giving Clive a job, he’s at least keeping him out of Ambridge.

[Matt] “I know you don’t like him, I don’t like him much either but you have to trust me. He’s keen, he’s cheap and he’s desperate for the work”

[Lilian] “Fine, but on your head be it Matt. I just hope you don’t live to regret it”

Lilian was viciously angry – but the worst of it?

Clive heard every word …