James is out of plaster: Mon 10.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Monday 10th December 2012

• Lynda has a cod piece for Kenton
• “Pink fluffy clouds everywhere”
• James gets his plaster off
• The witches impress Lynda
• What’s Kenton’s cunning plan?

Lynda has a cod piece for Kenton

Kenton’s avoiding Lynda.

Even to the point where he’ll leave Jolene shorthanded at the bar so that he can go and see Freda instead of having to see Lynda …

(for goodness sake Kenton – there’s an office part in from Hollerton!)

He does still want to be Lord of Misrule at the Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza, but:

[Kenton] “I don’t have time to hang around while Lynda tells me exactly how to do it.”

[Jolene] “Well, she is in charge.”

Well, he can’t stay hidden forever. Lynda goes through The Bull’s kitchens to catch him.

All Lynda wanted to talk about was what Kenton was going to say as Lord of Misrule

[Lynda] “All we need are a few light-hearted remarks.”

[Kenton] “What’s your definition of light-hearted?”

[Lynda] “Lively. Amusing, cheeky … without lapsing into bad taste, of course, we’ve got enough bad taste coming from Jazzer.”

In fact, Lynda has already written a script for Kenton. She’s even printed it out for him.

Kenton’s not entirely amused. He thinks he’s more than capable of scripting himself.

[Kenton] “I want it to be like the real thing, something your average Elizabethan punter would recognise as their own.”

Lynda appreciates Kenton looking for authenticity. Which may give him some wiggle room.

On the topic of authenticity, Lynda has even bought Kenton a cod piece.

Not sure that’s appropriate. But it’s definitely worth a *shudder* moment.


“Pink fluffy clouds everywhere”

Is what Kenton reckons Rhys and Fallon are creating.

They seem to be very (very) happy together.

Will Jolene need a new hat anytime soon?

My money is on a baby appearing first … and not on purpose.


James gets his plaster off

Matt was ever so happy as James went to hospital to get his plaster removed.

[Matt] “Still, you’ll soon to be skipping round like the rest of us.”

When James came back sans plaster, he gave Matt the bad news that he’ll still have to wear a brace and bandages,.

[Matt] “So how long before you’re up and running, so to speak?”

A month.

You could actually hear Matt’s heart shrink and jaw drop.

BUT, James has arranged to carry on his treatment back home, in London.

[James] “My clients need to know I’m back in da hood again.”

(ugh! What a numpty that lad is)

James shall depart on Thursday. Which is superb news for Matt, but also superb news for Lilian.

She’ll be able to get away more often to see Paul …


The witches impress Lynda

Wonders will never cease.

[Lynda] “And as for our three witches, forget about sinister, they were absolutely chilling … I came out in goosebumps all over …”

A compliment from Lynda. They must be good!

However, there is a but:

[Lynda] “ Ruth still has a tendency to cackle if I don’t remind her …”

[Kenton] “Aren’t witches supposed to cackle?”

Indeed they are.

Especially when played by Ruth Archer.


What’s Kenton’s cunning plan?

Seems tickets for the Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza aren’t selling very well.

Kenton has a plan.

But he doesn’t tell us what it is.

I hope it’s a good one. It really wouldn’t be cricket to play around with Lynda’s Christmas play …

Ed’s not a businessman: Sun 09.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Sunday 9th December 2012

• Oliver and Caroline live in a bubble
• What to buy Tony for Christmas?
• Matt takes Lilian out to lunch
• David lost the election
• David and Ruth’s 24th anniversary
• Lilian sounds unsure about next year
• Ed doesn’t know how to run a business
• Lilian calls Paul again

Oliver and Caroline live in a bubble

Oliver thinks Ed and Emma are moving into Susan’s so that they can save a deposit to buy their own home.

Caroline thinks Ed and Emma are moving into Susan’s as Rickyard is so small.

Really? Are they both completely blinkered?

Well … no.

They realise that it’ll be a big step for Ed to move in with Neil and Susan.

First off, Neil banned Ed from his house when Ed and Emma had been living in that caravan.

[Caroline] “They’ve all moved on, surely?”

But Oliver also reckons that Ed values his space, so … (and you could actually hear Oliver joining the dots here) … the reason for Ed and Emma’s move must be financial.


What to buy Tony for Christmas?

Lilian can’t think.

(though Tony, Pat, Helen and Henry haven’t been seen in a while … Lilian could probably save her money and not bother)

Matt suggests snowboarding lessons.

Lilian doesn’t find that funny.

[Lilian] “Tony’s a lot better than he was, but it’s hardly appropriate.”

Lilian really hasn’t got a sense of humour for Matt right now …


Matt takes Lilian out to lunch

That really is Matt’s answer to everything.

Lilian in a mood … take Lilian out for lunch, or shopping.

[Matt] “Leave all this, cheer up and go put your glad rags on!”

David lost the election

Seems David didn’t win the  County NFU Chair election.

He doesn’t sound that bothered, but he does think it had something to do with him being a cattle-type farmer:

[David] “Balance has swung too far in favour for arable”

The chap that did get elected – Dean Adams – is 100% arable according to David. Not one cow to be found on his land.

[Ruth] “That doesn’t mean he’ll make a bad chair.”

[David] “He seems a perfectly reasonable human being really …”

Actually, David’s already talking like a politician:

[David] “As a loser, I’ll get to spend more time with my family.”

He’s even thinking of taking up a hobby. Or “spend time thinking of treats” for Ruth.

Blimey!

David really is a man of leisure these days.

Though wait until those cows start calving, all at the same time …


David and Ruth’s 24th anniversary

Is next week.

[David] “The usual then, book a nice restaurant not too far.”

[Ruth] “Sounds lovely.”

Lilian sounds unsure about next year

Though Matt’s waxing lyrical about “full steam ahead” in 2013, Lilian doesn’t sound very convinced.

She’s probably thinking she might not be with Matt to do any steaming at all …

Even Matt’s suggestion of a trip to Bermuda or the Seychelles after the Winter doesn’t encourage any excitement.

[Lilian] “I can’t really think that far ahead.”

Ed doesn’t know how to run a business

[Neil] “Book keeping has never been that family’s strong point.”

Seems everyone’s starting to realise that Ed’s problem is that Ed has never been shown how to do the business part of his business.
Neil and David reckon Ed needs mentoring.

[David] “His whole business could be at risk.”

So, someone has to have a word.

Neil draws the short straw.

That’ll be a fun chat. Considering Ed’s pride …


Lilian calls Paul again

This seems to be a daily occurrence.

Matt annoys Lilian, then tries to make up for it. Unsuccessfully.

Lilian then calls Paul, upset and wanting to see him.

Paul also wants to see her.

But neither of them are sure when.

[Lilian] “I so want to see you again. l I think about you all the time.”

Ruth didn’t get Ben’s cereal: Fri 07.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Friday 7th December

• Too embarrassed to be served by Susan
• The Archers shall Christmas at Lower Loxley
• Matt’s not impressing Lilian
• Ed’s pride is still getting in the way
• Lilian and Paul want each other

Too embarrassed to be served by Susan

Was Ruth.

So she didn’t get Ben’s cereal. Poor Ben.

Ruth will need to get used to be around Susan and co … Keith’s away for at least 2 years. That’d be far too long a time for Ben not to have his cereal.


The Archers shall Christmas at Lower Loxley

(the Jill side only)

Ruth’s delighted! Especially for David:

[Ruth] “It means you won’t have to spend all Christmas day cooking and it’ll be fun for the kids too.”

Matt’s not impressing Lilian

Matt’s showing Lilian round Joyce’s new flat. He’s hoping it’ll show that he’s more than making up for previous transgressions against Joyce and Arthur.

[Matt] “And I can tell you now, none of this comes cheap … it’s everything Joyce wanted, and more.”

Lilian doesn’t seem to be impressed at all. Though she does admit that he’s done well, and Joyce seems happy.

Matt’s going to have to do something spectacular to get Lilian back onside.


Ed’s pride is still getting in the way

Ed’s really not being practical.

(which is probably what led to this mess in the first place)

He’s still not sure he should go into bulk buying with Ruth and David.

[Ed] “Feels like cheating.”

Ed reasons that he wouldn’t be able to bulk buy himself, so it’s not right he bulk buys with Brookfield.

Eh?

It’s surely just a win win for all?

Anyway, thank goodness Ruth insists.

Later on, Ruth wonders with David whether Ed even knows the rest of his costs. She thinks he probably doesn’t use a computer.

She reckons he must accept help. His pride needs to come after he’s taken care of his family.

I’m not sure that will be an easy conversation to have with Ed.


Lilian and Paul want each other

Again …

But it doesn’t sound like they’ll be able to meet up anytime soon.

Lilian really needs a decent man right now … is that Paul?

The Ambridge Christmas Lights are Switched on: Thurs 06.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Thursday 6th December 2012

• Kenton’s being serious
• Elizabeth’s bank wants her to take on a £70,000 debt
• Ifty used to steal crisps to give to the homeless

Kenton’s being serious

He’s checking every house around the green: that they have working bulbs, that each resident will be in tonight, and that they’ll be ready and willing to turn them on.

And it all goes perfectly, thanks to Kenton’s uncustomary attention to detail.

[Kenton] “I won’t keep you on the dark any longer. The time has come for us to lighten up, switch up and get into the Christmas spirit!”

Kenton’s taking is role as Lord of Misrule in the Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza just as seriously:

[Kenton] “I suppose you could say my whole life has been a preparation for an occasion like this.”

Elizabeth’s bank wants her to take on a £70,000 debt

Elizabeth’s showing her bank’s commercial manager round the dairy.

She plans to build 10 rooms for weddings; he’s worried she’s missing a trick. He reckons she should build enough rooms to be able to offer accommodation for their (already successful) conferences. This bank chap is far more taken with conferences over weddings.

[Bank chap] “You’ll still have most of your eggs in one small basket.”

So he asks for more figures and business plans, though reckons Elizabeth would need to borrow at least £70,000.

Ouch!

That’s a bit of a gamble.


Ifty used to steal crisps to give to the homeless

Want to know more about Ifty?

Lucky you, if you did.

We got to eavesdrop in on Jim interviewing Ifty for Borchester Life magazine.

So …

… Ifty’s dad owns a chain of shop with his uncle, and other family members. They have half a dozen. Ifty’s dad was the first in their street to have a satellite dish.

Ifty is the youngest of 4, has 3 cousins living next door, and so comes from a “close and loving” family.

But, Ifty is a rebel …

[Ifty] “I pinched crisps and tuna from the shop and gave it out to the homeless people by the bus station … then I was overcome with guilt and sneaked the money into the till.”

Ifty also rebelled by not going in to the family business. He instead went to Uni, did maths and business, then went into teaching.

[Ifty] “It’s not that I didn’t want to be rich …”

Seems Ifty had done youth work before he become a teachers, and got a lot of work with youngsters, specially “young Asians who had gone off the rail”.

The most potentially interesting bit, that Jim unfortunately didn’t push Ifty to tell him more about his love life. Ifty got away with a more mention of a number of “near misses.”

So – Ifty sounds like a very decent chap indeed.

Too good to be true … ?

Elizabeth would have to pay back over 70k a year.

Clive’s being ever so helpful: Thurs 06.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Thursday 6th December 2012

• Tracey drove home … drunk!
• A Horrobin family Christmas … of sorts
• “Mrs Jones is a full head not a half head”
• Clive has a job and a girlfriend
• Bert has a fall
• Tracey’s making schoolgirl errors

Tracey drove home … drunk!

Tracey has a terrible hangover, after getting a tad tight once Keith was sentenced to 4 years.

Bert reckons she was as badly drunk as after Ivy’s funeral.

Worse still, Tracey had driven herself back from Jaxx. Drunk.

No need at all!

That’s Tracey Horrobin well and truly off of my Christmas card list.

I’m glad she had to go off and be sick as Bert waxed lyrical about fry ups and egg yolks.


A Horrobin family Christmas … of sorts

Bert’s looking forward to his Christmas lunch.

Turkey. Port. Duck fat for the tatties.

He suggests they should maybe go to Susan’s … she is the better cook …

But Tracey won’t hear of it. Not with Emma there.

[Tracey] “She grassed your son, my brother, to the Police … and my sister, Susan, supported her. Let them stew. We’ll have Donna here and show them some real family loyalty.”

Nae luck Bert!


“Mrs Jones is a full head not a half head”

I have no idea what that means, but it means something to Donna while at work in her salon.


Clive has a job and a girlfriend

Donna has a visitor at work.

Clive Horrobin.

Seems he’s doing well. He has a job in a DIT store. And has a girlfriend call Jackie who does “ a lovely spag bol”.

His only interest in seeing Donna is to buy her a sandwich.

[Clive] “Come on. You can tell me how you’re coping. Everyone need a bit of support now and then”

Clive is in a position where can help Donna because:

[Clive] “Things are going my way now because I made it happen.”

(hmmm)

Clive asks Donna how she’s holding up financially, to which she starts crying.

So Clive gives her £10.

[Clive] “If you ever need help Donna, any help at all, you just give me a call anytime.”

(double hmmmmm)


Bert has a fall

Sounded like his legs just went from him.

Doesn’t bode well.


Tracey’s making schoolgirl errors

Tracey’s woken up by a teacher called Sarah. Tracey’s got crushed crayons stuck to her face.

[Teacher Sarah] “You might want to take that bit of clay out of your hair.”

Oops.

Tracey’s at work at school, and has been caught napping. She claims she’s not very well.

But worse still:

[Teacher Sarah] “Tracey, I just got a whiff of, are you drunk. You’ve not got the flu at all, you’ve got a hangover!”

Sarah tells Tracey that they can’t have “alcohol related issues in the school room”.

[Teacher Sarah] “We’ve all got problems Tracey, it’s just that we should leave them at the door of the classroom.”

Sarah reckons that even as a dinner lady, Tracey has influence on the kids.

[Teacher Sarah] “No matter how lowly our contribution.”

(meow!)

And off Sarah went, to tattle on Tracey to the head teacher.
Not that I disagree with Sarah being appalled Tracey was stinky of booze at a school.

But Sarah does sound like a bit of a snooty b*tch.

Just what Tracey needs in her life right now.

David wants to relax this Christmas: Wed 05.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Wednesday 5th December 2012

• Mike’s not impressed by Keith Horrobin’s sentence
• Jamie’s good with a chipper
• Matt takes Lilian shopping
• Mike and Vicky learn how to bathe a doll
• All in a name
• David’s time off is good news for Ed
• Ed’s pride is a bit dull

Mike’s not impressed by Keith Horrobin’s sentence

(if you don’t listen to Ambridge Extra – Keith Horrobin was sentenced to 4 years yesterday. All Ambridge Extra blog posts can be found here: http://ponderingthearchers.blogspot.co.uk/search/label/ambridge%20extra)

He thinks 4 years wasn’t enough.

Ed concurs, though David (one of the direct victims) thinks it’s a good and proper sentence.

[David] “Even if he does get out in two years, I’d say justice was done and Ruth feels the same. And I hope Emma feels it was worth it.”

Jamie’s good with a chipper

Reckons Mike.

He and Jamie have to spread the chippings on Home Farm land so that the shooters don’t get much on their gaiters.

(Why have gaiters if you can’t cope with mud?!?)


Matt takes Lilian shopping

Matt’s stepping up his ‘good guy’ routine.

First, he’s been cosying up to James.

Now he’s taken time off of work (!) to take Lilian shopping for the afternoon, and promises not to complain while Lilian has a proper browse (!!).

Lilian doesn’t really sound that excited about shopping with Matt.

Matt has to work very hard to convince her to buy a very expensive coat that she showed a liking for. Which isn’t very Lilian-like.

And when Vicky and Mike stumble upon her and Matt (while Lilian is still trying the expensive coast):

[Lilian] “I don’t know. I can’t seem to decide. Perhaps I need some space to decide.”

And then Lilian suggests they just wait for the sales … not Lilian type behaviour at all.

She obviously only has thoughts of her Paul …


Mike and Vicky learn how to bathe a doll

Did Mike really do absolutely nothing when Brenda and Roy were wee?

Seems so.


All in a name

Vicky likes Bethany, Angela, Claire and Daisy.

So far.

I’m sure it’ll change a few times …

Mike wasn’t too keen on Daisy (though I don’t suppose he’ll actually have much say):

[Mike] “Sounds a bit like a cow to me.”

David’s time off is good news for Ed

David asks Ed for a ‘favour’. He wants to take some proper time off over Christmas, so asks Ed if he’ll feed the Brookfield stock Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Years Day.

All paid, at holiday rates.

[David] “I know it’s a lot to ask, but it would make a heck of a difference to us.”

Good lad, David.

I don’t suppose Brookfield is that flush for cash right now, but even they can spare a few coppers in a way that lets Ed keep his pride.

Now that’s the Christmas spirit!


Ed’s pride is a bit dull

David buys Ed a pint.

He asks him how much he pays for fertiliser and concentrates.

David thinks they could save on both if Brookfield and Grange farms combined their orders.

[Ed] “I appreciate this David, but I’m not looking for charity.”

Eh?

David gives Ed work over the festive time … obviously to help Ed, but that’s not charity.

David buys Ed a pint … Ed’s unlikely to be able to buy a pint back, but that’s not charity.

David suggests a plan that will save both their farms money … that’s charity?

Methinks Ed isn’t exactly thinking straight.

Leonie’s best idea is “potato”: Tues 04.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Tuesday 4th December 2012

• Lynda explains Brawn
• James wants liveried footmen
• Shires Rare Breed
• The Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza needs sausage rolls …
• Lynda sees a new side to James
• Matt likes James?

Lynda explains Brawn

The food for the Elizabethan Christmas extravaganza will be collar of Brawn marinated in spices, real mince pies, and marchpane made into “fancy shapes”.

[Robert] “I’m going to need an old English dictionary, what exactly is brawn?”

Lynda explains that brawn is basically boiled pork loin, real mince pies uses real mince and marchpane is marzipan.

[Robert] “So pork, mince pies and marzipan.”

Well, Lynda sniffed, there are other dishes. It’s all about the keynote dishes being authentic.


James wants liveried footmen to carry him round Deck the Halls.

He claims he’s joking …

James and Leonie then waffled on for a while, drinking Gluhwein. I fully admit I completely switched off …


Shires Rare Breed

Is what the Shires Brewery wants to rename the Lower Loxley rare Breed brand in return for sponsorship.

See what they did there?

Very clever (!).

Shires also want exclusive on drinks events.

Hmmm.

While Shires are punting this to Roy and Elizabeth as a ‘partnership’, it sounds like they’re taking a bigger bite that will tie up Lower Loxley. I only hope the value of their sponsorship is worth it.


The Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza needs sausage rolls …

According to Leonie and James.

They reckon more ‘modern food is required for the Christmas show’. Like sausage rolls. Sandwiches. And chicken legs.

(Eh?)

Lynda tries to explain that the food has to be authentic to Elizabethan times. At which point, Leonie actually has a good suggestion …

… potatoes.

Potatoes were obviously an “exotic vegetables” back in the day. And they’re rather adaptable.

Chips it is!

(Lynda didn’t actually agree to chips … doubt she ever will)


Lynda sees a new side to James

[Lynda] “Is this really James, he’s being so nice to her.

[Robert] “And he’s letting her boss her around Robert”

[Lynda] “It’s just so nice to see them being in a balanced relationship.”

Now that’s interesting.

Lynda always tells Lilian that it’s James who bullies Leonie – now that she’s seen Leonie bullying James, she’s happy to bless their relationship.

(I wonder if she’ll ever admit that to Lynda.)

Seems James has also found his peace with Lynda:

[James] “I always find Lynda easier to manage after she’s had a glass or two”

(cheeky!)


Matt likes James?

When James and Leonie get back from Deck the Halls, they find Matt has left a present out for James.

A bottle of expensive cognac.

[James] “From Matt … ‘in case you feel like a night cap’ …. Don’t you find it just a little bit strange … now he’s started being so nice to me?”

[Leonie] “I know what a  great and wonderful person you are. It’s just taken Matt a whole to see that too.”

Hmmm.

Matt’s never that straightforward.

Keith Horrobin is sentenced: Tues 04.12.12 #ambridgeextra

Ambridge Extra Tuesday 4th December 2012

• Here we go again!
• Donna thinks Keith will be coming home
• Tracey still hasn't forgiven Emma
• Did Emma need stitches?
• Keith gets 4 years
• Tracey Vs Emma
• Tracey gets drunk
• Donna gets taken for a fool

Here we go again!

Welcome back Ambridge Extra … we hope it’s a welcome we’re authentic about after hearing it …

Donna thinks Keith will be coming home

[Tracey] “There’s an awful lot of party food in the fridge Donna, you don’t think he’s going to …”

Donna’s even got “jungle red” nail varnish on.

(it’s the first time we’ve heard Keith’s wife Donna speak. She sounds a bit of a simpering fool)

Seems everyone is hoping the psychological report of Keith will help reduce his sentence.

[Tracey] “You shouldn’t get your hopes up. You don’t get off for arson.”

Tracey still hasn't forgiven Emma

Though Tracey does seem to have finally accepted that Keith is guilty as charged.

[Tracey] “He really did it. You think you know someone …”

But that doesn’t change what she think of Emma.

[Tracey] “You never shop family, something that Emma should remember.”

Did Emma need stitches?

She cut herself on something before rushing off to court.

Kirsty though it needed stitches.

But Emma didn’t mention the cut again.

Odd of them to both mention it in the first place …


Keith gets 4 years

Though Keith has been a good lad since he was arrested, including pleading guilty and giving the names of the gang to the police, the judge can't ignore that he puts folks life in danger. Including George.

[Tracey] "What’s going on about George for? He’s alright."

(guess Tracey won't be winning any 'best great aunty awards anysitm soon!)

Keith gets 4 years, 2 in prison, two on licence.

Tracey spots Emma:

[Tracey] "She’s got something to do with this"

Tracey Vs Emma

[Emma] "Uncle Keith was always such a simple bloke, and now this"

Emma doesn't think 4 years is enough, considering. Even she reckons Keith was cajoled.

[Emma] "Then again it is Keith. Stupid Keith. He’s just so gullible"

[Tracey] "Oh. You., Emma flipping Grundy."

Tracey blames Emma for Keith bing sentenced to 4 years. Emma blames Tracey and Keith for the now obviously distraught Donna.

[Emma] "Donna is owed an apology. By Keith, and you"

When Emma tells Tracey she thinks Keith didn't get long enough:

[Tracey] "Do you think he’s going to be tucked up in a comfy cell on his own, with his teddy and his pyjamas?"

Indeed not! He'll be sharing  a room, and onc they find out he's a grass ...

[Tracey] "They're going to give him a big welcome … "

[Emma] "You’re a classic Horrobin, just so convinced that your actions are the right ones, that you know best all the time. All I can say is thank god I'm Grundy."

Tracey gets drunk

At Jaxx, bending poor Kirsty's ear.

 Tracey is disgusted that Susan wasn't at the sentencing. She feels very alone, trying to deal with Keith and Donna, while living with and looking after her dad and Gary.

[Tracey] "I should go. You don’t want some sad woman at your bar"

Quite!


Donna gets taken for a fool

Tracey gets home, alone (apart from their dog Poochy) to find that her and Keith's mortgage i  2 months behind.

Bu fortune is smiling on her. A nice chap calls round, saying her's from nan Independent Financial Company ...

...he'd been round earlier on when Donna was out, reckoning this would be a good place to start "borrowing".

Sounds Like a loan shark, but I don't suppose Donna would have the sense to spot that.

Everyone wants Tom’s hampers: Mon 03.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Monday 3rd December 2012

• Tom’s still moaning about milking
• Leonie wants to borrow a stamp
• Emma’s going to court
• George’s Big Adventure
• Is a lack of supply good for the brand?
• Matt’s bonding with James
• Paul and Lilian miss each other

Tom’s still moaning about milking

He slept through the alarm today, and is very grumpy. He reckons he shouldn’t have to do the milking 5 times a week when he’s so busy with his ready meals and hampers.

Aye – HIS ready meals and hampers.

Pat, Tony and Helen (where is Helen and Henry, by the way?) don’t profit from it, so why should Tom get out of the work that keeps Bridge Farm – where he keeps his pigs – running?

Tom is as Tom does.


Leonie wants to borrow a stamp

Well, a couple dozen. From Lynda.

Lazy wee madam! The shop is only a short walk away.


Emma’s going to court

Tomorrow, to see Keith get sent down.

She wants to be there to show she’s not ashamed at having told the Police she’d seen Keith running away from the Brookfield Barn fire.


George’s Big Adventure

Emma and Ed still haven’t told George he’s moving.

Emma’s panicked that he’ll not be  a happy chappy about it. It’s the only home he’s ever had that he remembers.

(well, that and Will’s house)

[Ruth] “Maybe you could make it sound like a bit of an adventure … maybe not …”

Well, as Emma points out to herself, moving to Neil and Susan’s will have massive plus points for George.

He’ll have a bigger bedroom. And they have a widescreen TV, AND Sky.

What more could a wee lad want?


Is a lack of supply good for the brand?

Brenda reckons so.

She really does talk nonsense …

Tom’s just had an order in for 4 dozen hampers, which he can’t fulfil in time for Christmas.

Brenda reckons that’s okay, as not having enough to supply leaves “them hungry now, and will be back for more).

What piffle.

They’ll just go somewhere else, forgetting the Tom Archer’s brand completely.


Matt’s bonding with James

Over a Golf technique DVD.

Leonie wants to bond with Lilian over a rom com DVD, but luckily Lilian has to answer her phone …


Paul and Lilian miss each other

Lilian answers her phone.

[Lilian] “Paul, darling!”

He’s thinking of her. She’s thinking of him.

Paul claims he can’t get away soon to see Lilian – some job has gone wrong. (is that true? I’m still not 100% sure about Paul).

[Paul] “Oh my love, I so want to be with you … I’ll just have to try and be patient … til the next time. Thinking of you.”

Matt stands no chance at this rate.

The Grundys turkeys are sold: Sun 02.12.12 #thearchers

The Archers Sunday 2nd December 2012

• Matt sooks up to Joyce
• The Community Orchard event
• Deck the Halls starts tomorrow
• George doesn’t know he’s moving
• Vicky and Mike have been practising breathing

Matt sooks up to Joyce

Matt’s round at Joyce’s, allegedly to make sure that her flat is exactly the way she wants it.

It has new central heating, draft proof windows and a new hallway carpet.

The kitchen has a special non slip flooring, which Joyce thinks us very smart.

All sorted?

Nope.

Joyce also wants grab rails. And to force on Matt exactly what he did to her and Arthur.

[Joyce] “Well, it’s just a shame it’s all come too late for Arthur … and I have to say Mr Crawford … perhaps if you’d gone to so much trouble keeping this place up to scratch, perhaps my Arthur could have enjoyed it too. Still, we can’t turn the clock back, more’s the pity.”

Matt actually sounded ashamed …


The Community Orchard event

Sounds very busy. Lots of screaming kids …

The kids are making streamers and their lanterns.

Vicky kisses Joe under the mistletoe (I kid you not!)

And there are tree fairies.

(in reality, just kids from the local dancing school. Tree fairies sound better)

Vicky worries the kids might be cold.

[Vicky] “In those costumes …”

[Hayley] “It’s quite mild today, As long as they keep moving, they’ll be alright.”

The Grundys also kept moving – they sold their last turkey!


Deck the Halls starts tomorrow

It’s Christmas!


George doesn’t know he’s moving

Ed and Emma haven’t told him.

Best do so, sharpish. Before Will does. Adding his own spin.


Vicky and Mike have been practising breathing

Before they go to bed.

We just don’t need to be told any further details …

Matt makes a promise: Fri 30.11.12 #thearchers

The Archers Friday 30th November 2012

• Mike’s concerned for Mike
• Matt wants to talk
• The Grundys plan to sell their turkeys
• Eddie defends Ed

Mike’s concerned for Mike

Mike’s heard about Ed’s financial problems.

Mike tells him he’ll do everything to help. But Ed does slightly blame milk for the cut in the prices he’s getting for his milk. Mike squarely blames his customers and supermarkets.

[Mike] “We’ll come through it, I'm sure, but I do need to know your business is sound.”

[Ed] “It is sound.”

Harsh of Mike – but he has got a baby on the way.


Matt wants to talk

So he suggests he and Lilian go to the new place at Websterbridge.

[Lilian] “I don’t think so Matt.”

[Matt] “I’m aware things aren’t; right. We need to have a proper talk. To see if we can clear the air a bit.”

[Lilian] “I don’t see the point.”

[Matt] “The point is you're not happy … and that really troubles me … we used to be such a  great team, if the wheels are coming off I want to fix them.”

[Lilian] “Maybe they can’t be fixed.”

[Matt] “Oh don’t say that puss … all those plans, we can’t just let them go.”

He manages to persuade Lilian to go to lunch.

Matt then tries to persuade Lilian that though while he realises he can be “impetuous” (ha!), he wants to make everything better. He promises he’ll change, slow down and take the time to explain.

[Lilian] “Where so I fit in to this grand vision of yours?”

[Matt] “You're in the centre of it, always have been.”

[Lilian] “It doesn’t always feel like that.”

But Matt won’t be deterred. With his “go-get” and Lilian’s “sensitivity”, they can make a real difference. He didn’t quite clarify whether that difference was to them, or to others.

And let us not forget that all of this is using Lilian’s, not Matt’s, money.

[Lilian] “Matt, I’ve heard all this before. Done this, got the t-shirt.”

[Matt] “I told you puss, I’m twice the man when I’m working with you.”

[Lilian] “I’d like to believe that, I really would … but I don’t know if I can trust you anymore.”

[Matt] “Well, you can. I promise you. You can.”

Aye, we’re all heard that before.

And I doubt Lilian will fall for it.

She’s got Paul now.


The Grundys plan to sell their turkeys

Lynda was right.

The Grundys have spotted that the Community orchard event could be the perfect place to sell their turkeys.

They ask Mike if he’ll tell folks as they come in, but Mike says he can’t be selling stuff.

[Joe] “Ain't commercial, it’s a public service, our turkeys.”

Eddie defends Ed

Joe’s entirely in favour of Ed and Emma moving out of Rickyard.

[Joe] “Good thing too, paying out all that rent to the Archers.”

Joe then gets very grumpy when Mike suggests that Ed’s business isn’t doing well.

[Eddie] “You've got nothing to worry about, so if you hear anyone saying anything different, you can put them right, can’t you.”

Joe and Eddie then go round to cheer up Ed.

[Eddie] “To make sure you’re okay, and to say, well, we’ve very proud of you … I know you didn’t want to move … and I still want to tell you, you're doing a great job.”

As far as Eddie sees it, at least Ed is trying.

And Eddie should know. He grew up on Grange Farm. He lost Grange Farm.

[Eddie] “And I’d know if something was going wrong. And it isn’t … this farm is in as good as a shape as I ever seen it. And that’s up to you  … I was stupid and lazy, that’s why we lost it. I don’t see it in you, you’re working hard, and you’re committed to the farm and your family. And that’s why we’re proud of you Eddie.”

Jazzer hears about Fallon and Rhys: Thurs 29.11.12 #thearchers

The Archers Thursday 29th November 2012

• The Brilliant Ideas meeting
• The Odd Couple, part deux
• Rhys better watch out for Jazzer

The Brilliant Ideas meeting

Is Lewis’ way of getting more ideas from lower Loxley, by involving all of the staff. They can “drift in and out” as work allows.

Bert’s idea is TV. He reckons that as “life in big country houses is popular” , they should take advantage and get Lower Loxley on there too.

Imagine that … it’d be car crash viewing if Elizabeth was ‘on one’.

Hayley’s idea is a Lower Loxley passport. So, folks buy a passport each year, and have an “ongoing connection” with Lower Loxley.

[Lewis] “Stakeholders, is that what they call it these days.”

With a passport, the ‘stakeholders’ will get into Lower Loxley for free, s will come back more often. And spend their money more often in the tea room and shop.

[Lewis] “I think it sound very positive … building up long term relationships with people.”

[Hayley] “Becoming friends.”

That’s a lovely way to put trying to get more money out of the same people …

Bert has a second brainwave. Following on from his theme of big houses now being popular, he thinks they should research the lives of people who have lived both up and downstairs at Lower Loxley, then make an exhibition out of it.

So, nothing earth shattering, but at least they’re all thinking and involved.

And they all have jobs.


The Odd Couple, part deux

It used to be Jazzer and Harry – but Jim and Jazzer are Ambridge’s new odd couple.

They really do seem to be enjoying each other’s company.

Jim’s struggling for a new subject to interview for his Borchester Life article.

Jazzer reckons … Jazzer!

[Jazzer] “One of these days I’m going to be picked up by the style mags.”

[Jim] “Jazzer, I do wish you wear your overalls back home.”

[Jazzer] “Bit pungent are they?”

[Jim] “Just a touch”

Ignoring Jazzer’s suggestion, Jim is looking up other potentially ‘interesting’ Borchester residents.

He’s found one who is an ex-Brigadier, who also travelled in the Far East.

[Jazzer] “Beyond Felpersham, you mean?”

The chap also collects stuff.

[Jazzer] “Anybody with any sort of collection … the guy’s bound to be boring.”

So who to interview?

[Jazzer] “Shall I tell you the answer to most of life’s intractable problems … head for the nearest bar. There’s something about having a glass in your hand that frees up the creative juices.”

When they’re sat with glass in hand, Jazzer asks Jim to interview Tom.

[Jazzer] “It wouldnae half improve my life if you could dae the piece on Tom Archer … it doesnae stop him lobbying me!”

Bert comes in, and reckons he’d be perfect.

[Bert] “I get a bit about these days … I’ve had some of my poems published in Evesham.”

Bert also suggests Ifty. He’s a teacher, mathematician. Sportsman. And isn’t from Ambridge.

[Jim] “An  also suggests aesthete to boot!”

[Bert] “You what?”

So, it would seem Ifty it is.


Rhys better watch out for Jazzer

Bert, with his usual tact, mentions Rhys and Fallon to Jazzer.

[Bert] “Must have come as quite a blow, eh Jazzer?”

Jazzer reckons he’s fine about it.

[Hayley] “You don’t look it. Staring miserably into your drink.”

[Jazzer] “It’s just Fallon wae Rhys, you know …”

[Hayley] “You’re mates. You're one of the good guys.”

[Jazzer] “He better treat her right, that’s all. Or he’ll be answering to me.”

Lilian has adult relations with Paul: Wed 28.11.12 #thearchers

The Archers Wednesday 28th November 2012

• Mike and Vicky gets the giggles
• Matt makes toast!
• Lilian and Paul get intimate
• Matt cooks a chicken!

Mike and Vicky gets the giggles

Mike’s getting quite enthusiastic about going to the antenatal classes with Vicky. Though:

[Mike] “I’ll be quite happy not to watch another film on childbirth.”

Aye, well, we all have our limits.

It’s breathing techniques at today’s class.

[Mike] “Ooh, a bit of heavy breathing!”

And though Mike is the oldest dad (by far) in the room, Vicky doesn’t care a jot. He’s the best hubby, and will be the best dad.

While they do their exercises, Vicky can’t help giggling. Which makes Mike giggle.

[Vicky] “Oh come on, give us a kiss. At least we can still get that right!”

I, for one, am really enjoying Mike and Vicky being so openly delighted about their baby.

Lovely.


Matt makes toast!

Goodness me!

And the double whammy shocker is that he offers to make it for James, to stop him having to try and do it himself, while on crutches.

Too little, too late?

Yes.

Lilian’s off to Birmingham to do ‘Christmas shopping’ …


Lilian and Paul get intimate

Matt may have an inkling that he’s not exactly Lilian’s favourite person at the moment, but it takes James to spell it out.

[James] “You don’t need to be Sherlock Holms that she’s been a  tad frosty to you lately.”

Indeed.

Lilian’s trip to Birmingham is to see Paul, not to do Christmas shopping.
She first has a moan about Matt:

[Lilian] “He’s like a force of nature. Sometimes I wonder if I mean anything at all to him.; Nothing I say seems to register. Now this business with our tenants …”

Paul reckons he’s never do such a terrible thing to Lilian, or to any tenants.

[Paul] “You and me together. Now that would be a team.”

[Lilian] “I think we’d have fun .”

[Paul] “I’m sure we would.”

[Lilian] “I feel better, just having you to listen to me … let’s not think about Matt anymore. Let’s enjoying just being here, together … Paul. Let’s go up to your room.”

[Paul] “Are you sure?”

[Lilian] “Yeah. Yeah I am. Very sure.”

Blimey!

At least the BBC had the decency to turn off the secret microphones while Lilian and Paul got to know each other a tad better …

After their first bout of … *ahem* … activity.

[Lilian] “Oh Paul, that was wonderful. I don’t want this ever to end .. tell me, I’ll see you again soon. Very soon, and for longer.”

She stays for half an hour longer.

Then heads home.

To Matt.


Matt cooks a chicken!

[Matt] “What do I do, stick a fork in?”

[Lilian] “What on earth’s going on here?”

[Matt] “I’m cooking dinner.”

Wonders upon wonder.

Lilian sounds decidedly dodgy when Matt asks her about Birmingham. She tells him she only bought shoes. And she …erm … has left them in the car.

[Lilian] “Well, there was only the one thing I really wanted.”

(oh ho!)

As well as cooking dinner, Matt also has claret ready, AND has laid the table.

[Lilian] “I still think I must be in the wrong house.”

[Matt] “I want to apologise to you puss … I can see I was wrong not to keep you informed about the Walters.”

[Lilian] “All you had to do was to talk to me.”

[Matt] “I know that puss. And in future I will. Things are going to be different now. We’re going to be a team again. Will we drink to that. To the future. To the team.”

[Lilian] “Oh Matt, I really don’t know where I am with you anymore.”

Again - too little too late from Matt? And too late for Lilian to give up her Paul?

Wiggo doesn’t win in #TheArchers: Tues 27.11.12 #thearchers

The Archers Tuesday 27th November 2012

• Wiggo!
• I still don’t understand why Josh is doing the chickens
• David use to demand 50% extra
• George would prefer a truck
• Eddie didn’t know
• Jamie’s knackered from work
• Cashflow, cashflow, cashflow

Wiggo!

Wiggo in Ambridge is not a cyclist. Wiggo is a cow.

David and Ruth are showing Wiggo at a livestock show, and have high hopes.

But, first things first. They need to out the steer on Wiggo. Which they are struggling to do.

[David] “That was josh. The Magic Milkman … they got to know each other.”

Maybe Josh should have had the day off school.

Wiggo didn’t win, but came second. So, David got a great price for Wiggo at auction.

And David’s glad to see that there are more rare breeds being shown this year.

[Ruth] “It must mean more people are interested in proper tasting meat at last.”

I still don’t understand why Josh is doing the chickens

He’s doing a grand job, according to Neil, but why didn’t he give the job to Emma?

Every penny counts.


David use to demand 50% extra

Wages, from Phil, for doing the morning milking.

Cheeky!


George would prefer a truck

Susan was eyeing up a tablet computer.

[Susan] “Do you think George would like it?”

[Emma] “I think I’ll get him that pickup truck. He loves anything with big wheels.”

Susan doesn’t really listen.

She just gets George the tablet anyway.

Which shows the madness of Christmas – Ed and Emma have to move in with her and Neil due to be so skint, yet she still splashes out.

Madness.


Eddie didn’t know

Ed’s seemingly still worried about everyone thinking him a failure for not making the farm pay. Susan reckons not so. Ed started it up with nothing.

[Emma] “All he sees is the bills pilling up.”

[Susan] “It’ll sort itself out, I’m sure … and staying with us ill speed it up a bit … Try not to worry. I’m sure it’s all going to work out.”

At the livestock show, David and Ruth bump into Eddie. David tells him that he’ll be sorry to lose his neighbours.

Eddie has no ken. He has no idea what David’s talking about.

Oops.

No one has thought to tell Eddie (and the very absent Clarrie) that Ed and Emma are moving.

Course, Eddie goes round to see Ed. Only Emma is in.

[Eddie] “Now look, what’s this I hear about you not be able to afford your rent?”

Eddie’s offended, and reckons he and Clarrie could have helped.

Which I;m sure they could have done, but surely not with money?

[Emma] “Ed didn’t want you to know, He didn’t want anyone to know.”

[Eddie] “Well you tell him, we’re here for him okay?”

Jamie’s knackered from work

According to Kathy.

Jamie’s loving his work, and is in awe of his boss who has the habit of:

[Kathy] “Dangling on ropes thirty foot in the air with a  chainsaw.”

Blimey.

Working hard all day has taken exhausted Jamie. He even fell asleep in front of his computer.

So, that was all Jamie needed to stay out of trouble and take his mind off of Natalie.

Honest, hard, labour.


Cashflow, cashflow, cashflow

[David] “Ed’s scale of operation, there can’t be any cash in the system.”

He and Ruth are feeling sheepish that they hadn’t spotted Ed’s problems, and also now can’t do more for them.

Though they will now lose money with Rickyard not being rented (though they will advertise it), they let Ed and Emma leave without a month’s notice.

Ed agrees to move: Mon 26.11.12 #thearchers

The Archers Monday 26th November

• Shire Brewery at Lower Loxley
• Freddie’s trying to guess everyone’s weight
• Santa’s grotto
• Lilian makes lunch for Joyce
• Ed and Emma give notice
• Lilian needs Paul

Shire Brewery at Lower Loxley

And so it begins.

Out of necessity, Roy and Elizabeth are commercialising more of Lower Loxley. Including selling sponsorship and creating partnerships with local businesses.

Seems Shires Brewery are very interested. Some chap called Steve Pritchard will be coming along from the Brewery.


Freddie’s trying to guess everyone’s weight

Seems Ifty’s maths tutorship has inspired him.

[Elizabeth] “He’s enjoying it. It’s bound to change his attitude to maths.”

Santa’s grotto

Roy’s off to check it.

Yay!

Christmas is a-coming!!!


Lilian makes lunch for Joyce

Lilian visits Joyce. She’s a tad annoyed that Matt has been there and didn’t mention it to her (again). Joyce knew about James’ accident.

Joyce was about to sit down to bread and cheese for lunch, but Lilian insists she get the ingredients and make them a light lunch.

Since Arthur died, Joyce has been very lonely in their old house. She wants to move.

[Joyce] “Life goes on, doesn’t it?”

Lilian makes her promise to tell her if she ever needs helps with anything.

Joyce thanks her, but we all know it’s far too little, too late.

Matt good as killed her husband.


Ed and Emma give notice

They talk to David to tell them they’re leaving Rickyard.

David’s stunned. Though he knew they were having some financial issues, he didn’t know it was as bad as this.

[Emma] “All we can say is we’re very sorry.”

David offers to cut their rent for a few months, but Emma politely declines. That would only scratch their money worries. David accepts defeat.

[David] “It’s going to be so strange not having you across the yard.”

[Ed] “We’re going to come through this. And We’ll be stronger,. As a family.”

Lilian needs Paul

After seeing Joyce, Lilian is understandably upset.

So, she calls Paul. He doesn’t answer, but she begs him to call back.

[Lilian] “Please. Soon.”

Susan’s want Ed and Emma to move in: Sun 25.11.12 #thearchers

The Archers Sunday 25th November 2012

• Susan’s final solution
• Jolene’s surprised by Rhys and Fallon
• Wassailing with guns
• Ed says no

Susan’s final solution

Is for Ed and Emma to move in with her and Neil. That’d save the, a stack of money, giving them room to breathe.

Emma concurs, but thinks Ed won’t agree.

[Emma] “The thought of not having to find the rent every month would make such a difference …You know what he’s like mum, we can’t ask for help … He thinks all the situation is his fault.”

[Susan] “That’s just life. It isn’t anyone’s fault.”

[Emma] “But if we moved in with you it’d be like telling the while village we couldn’t cope.”

Emma points out the Susan and Neil didn’t exactly enjoy Tracey and her kids living with them. But Susan reckons that’s different. As for Ed:

[Susan] “You need to sit down with him quietly and talk it through. It’s not charity … it’s what families do.”

And anyhoo – how would Ed and Emma afford Christmas, let alone the business and their household bills?


Jolene’s surprised by Rhys and Fallon

Really?

[Jolene] “You and Rhys, who would have thought it!?!”

(erm … everyone)

Jolene’s delighted for Fallon, and tells her to have ‘fun’.

[Fallon] “We are doing, don’t you worry.”

(mothers and daughters really shouldn’t discuss their sex life, in my humble opinion)

Seems everyone knows about Rhys and Fallon. Susan saw Fallon leave Rhys’. Which means everyone else knows.

[Fallon] “Oh my god, I might as well put my diary up on the village website!”

Wassailing with guns

Is Jazzer’s idea for the Community orchard event.

He reckons they should hang targets in amongst the trees, then “blast” them with guns. Seems they do that in other cider orchards to drive away bad spirits and to guarantee a good crop.


Ed says no

[Ed] “I’m sorry, but it’s not going to happen.”

[Emma] “You're quite happy to go on like this, not knowing if we can feed the kids? … Tell me honestly why are you so against it.”

[Ed] “Because I care about this family. I want us to stay together.”

Emma reassures him they will stay together – just in someone else’s house. But Ed’s remembering when they had to stay in that caravan, with Emma eventually leaving him.

It also has a lot to do with his pride …

Even Neil thinks it’s a good idea. He and Susan have the room, Ed and Emma can’t afford their own house. It’s an obvious solution.

[Susan] “Let’s give the poor lad some space. He’s only just had this thrown at him.”

[Neil] “Well, that’s a pity … do you think it would help if I popped round and had a word with him … just to say we’re not doing this because we have to.”
Susan reckons not to do so – Ed ‘s pride couldn’t suffer such a chat.

[Ed] “Em, do you think that I want our kids to have a miserable Christmas?”

[Emma] “They don’t have to be.”

Ed’s going to ponder the matter.

He’d better be quick.

Every penny counts.

Ruth is inseminating cows again is: Fri 23.11.12 #thearchers

The Archers Friday 23rd November 2012

• Elizabeth not concerned it’s a listed building
• Ruth finally lets Emma do the skirting boards
• Ruth’s bothering those cows again
• Hayley’s keeping her job
• Tom wants a Borchester Life article

Elizabeth not concerned it’s a listed building

Elizabeth’s cracking on with converting the dairy block into wedding accommodation.

Though, quite bizarrely, she doesn’t seem at all perturbed that it’s a listed building. Even though they’ll need to put new windows and bathrooms in for each room.

[Elizabeth] “Our clients wouldn’t accept shared facilities.”

(well, I don’t think anyone would be very happy with shared facilities)

Lewis also seems to be very positive:

[Lewis] “No archaeological issues and as far as I can tell, no bats.”

Elizabeth would like Lewis to run the development, but he reckons they will need someone who’s a bit closer to the conservation officer. He suggests some chap called Julian Hobson.

(none of this makes for thrilling eavesdropping, but I’m sure something will liven it up soon enough!)


Ruth finally lets Emma do the skirting boards

After the £4000 bombshell yesterday, Emma’s back to begging Ruth for extra work.

She tries to get extra hours defrosting the fridge, but Ruth reckons that would only take half an hour.

But Ruth does agree Emma can have a go at the skirting boards.

[Ruth] “It’ll have to be a one off mind. I’m sorry.”

Later on, Susan spots that Emma is worrying. Again.

[Emma] “There’s always something, and I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

Ruth’s bothering those cows again

[Ruth] “I want to AI them before Eddie does the milking.”

That woman is insatiable.

[Ruth] “I’ve inseminated those two. They’ll be the first to calve in the Autumn block.”

As they’ll have hundreds of calves being born at the same time, Ruth reckons it’ll be full on. They’ll need a lot of help.

[David] “We won’t know whether it’s raining or Thursday.”

Hayley’s keeping her job

Though it was Roy who had to have a chat with Elizabeth.

[Elizabeth] “Hayley’s got a lot of valuable skills, I wouldn’t want to lose her … I’ll go and tell her myself.”

Tom wants a Borchester Life article

Done about him.

Now there’s a surprise.

It gets worse for Ed: Thurs 22.11.12 #thearchers

The Archers Thursday 22nd November 2012

• Fallon and Rhys wake up together
• The milking bail is broken
• Oliver’s reaction to hearing himself
• Emma’s got pies in

Fallon and Rhys wake up together

[Rhys] “So it wasn’t a dream then.”

[Fallon] “As long as it wasn’t a nightmare …  Not that we seemed to get much sleep … Who would have thought this was going to happen.”

[Rhys] “Caught me by surprise.”

(Really? We’ve all been waiting for this to happen for months!)

[Fallon] “Did you change your bed sheets?”

[Rhys] “Did you shave your legs?”

Touché!

They’re actually moving at a fair pace. Rhys even suggests Fallon gets a toothbrush to keep at his.

[Rhys] “I mean, if we’re going to make a habit of this, it’ll be handy.”

[Fallon] “If that’s the way you feel, why did you wait until now?”

Rhys tells Fallon that he’s always been attracted to her, but he couldn’t make his move while she was his boss. Seems he had a rather nasty experience with someone else he worked with, whom he now calls  “Cindy the Psycho”.

[Rhys] “I was lucky to escape with my well, let’s say last night wouldn’t have been half the fun!”

Oo-er.


The milking bail is broken

I have no idea what a milking bail is or does, but it’s really important for Ed’s dairy. But the pump is broken.

So, Ed’s having to milk by hand. Oliver helps him.

Once Ed’s had someone round to look at the milk bailer, seems the pump has given out. And the motor is burnt. Which will cost £2500 to fix.

Worse still, seems Ed also needs to upgrade the electrical supply. Ed's not been keeping up his services.

Just what Ed hasn’t got. Yet more money.

[Oliver] “Chin up Ed!”

Now here’s a thought – Oliver has money, Ed doesn’t.

Surely Oliver would rather help fund Ed’s business (at Oliver’s farm) than see yet another Grundy go out of business at Grange Farm.


Oliver’s reaction to hearing himself

[Oliver] “Oh Lord! … oh good grief!”

Sounds like Oliver isn’t very good at his sonnets yet.

So, Oliver being Oliver, he blames his tools and dumps his tape recorder.

(tape recorder! I haven’t even seen one of those for 10 or so years. How sweet of Olive to still have one, and use it)

[Oliver] “It makes me sound like a complete buffoon!”

Emma’s got pies in

So Ed gets two pies rather than bread and cheese. Not that there was often any bread left for him …

Ed’s a bit distracted, but doesn’t tell Emma that their money problems just got worse. He doesn’t tell her.

But, later on, Emma finds Ed crying.

He tells her that he now needs to find £4000 for the business.

[Ed] “I didn’t have a choice Em. The cows have got to be milked … Whatever made me think I could be a farmer. I’m a failure. What sort of man can’t support his family.”

Ed’s sobbing even harder now. Emma reckons will sort it out somehow …

Grim.

Rhys and Fallon have adult relations: Wed 21.11.12 #thearchers

The Archers Wednesday 21^st November 2012

• Rhys and Fallon’s first date
• Rhys patronises Lynda
• Another disaster for Ed
• Caroline has to choose antiquarian books over tree dressing
• Lynda entices Jim into the Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza

Rhys and Fallon’s first date

As Rhys leaves his shift at The Bull, he bumps into Fallon coming back from Jaxx, ready to make herself pretty ahead of their date.

[Rhys] “I don’t know why.”

[Fallon, sounding hurt] “Oh …”

[Rhys] “You’re stunning as you are.”

(aw!)

They first go to the pictures, where Rhys offers to buy Fallon a hot dog. Fallon reckons not, as she’s already eaten, but she does go for some nachos (!).

[Rhys] “My body is a temple but it is sublet to a gang of students!”

The moving is a bad ‘un, but at least they both agree about that. So, they go for a drink.

When they get back to Ambridge later on:

[Rhys] “To the door service. That’ll be £12 please!”

[Fallon] “Best nice out since, well, the last time we went out.”

And, at last, the tip toeing is over:

[Rhys] “Oh for god sake …”

He kisses her. She kisses him back.

[Rhys] “Fallon, do you um, want to come back to mine?”

[Fallon] “Yes. Yes I do. Very much.”

Oh ho!

That’s fast moving after such a slow, slow, slow start.

Rhys patronises Lynda

(without her even knowing)

Seems that when Lynda corners Rhys, his tactic is to:

[Rhys] “Just keep nodding and smiling. It’s what I do.”

Another disaster for Ed

As Ed takes the cluster off of the previously poorly cow, everything falls silent in the diary.

Which isn’t good.

Dairies are supposed to have machinery type noises.

Later on, when Oliver calls round, seems the machinery has been back on. Then off again.

Very unwillingly, Ed reckons he’ll have to call someone out to have a look.

[Oliver] “I don’t think you’ve got much choice Ed.”

Oh dear. This sounds expensive.

Caroline has to choose antiquarian books over tree dressing

Rather than be able to make the Community Orchard meeting, the highlight of which is the tress dressing, Caroline has to stay at Grey Gables for the Borchester Antiquarian Book Society meeting.

That’s a real Sophie’s choice …

Maybe Caroline should have been there. Oliver decided to pay for the Community Orchard event out of his own pocket.

Lynda is delighted with the event:

[Lynda] “I am pleased to see these ancient customs being preserved.”

But:

[Lynda] “ I do hope you want let the Grundys hijack the even with marketing of their turkeys!”

Ah well. Even if they do, we all love a turkey.

Lynda entices Jim into the Elizabethan Christmas Extravaganza

[Lynda] “The whole event would be enhanced by someone of your gravitas.”

Jim thinks “flattery won’t work”.

Really?

How about making it sound fun?

[Lynda] “It’s a most enjoyable thing to do. Isn’t it Oliver?”

Actually, Oliver tries to tell Lynda that he’s struggling with his sonnets.

Lynda just ignores him. Amazingly, Jim seems to be interested …

[Jim] “A novel presentation though that may be, I think the conventional way up might be more suitable”

So, Jim agrees to take part, and most sincerely hopes the rest of Ambridge is grateful.

He might be waiting some time for such gratitude.

Lynda thinks Jim would be perfect to do one of Shakespeare’s Roman plays. Like when Antony first sees Cleopatra in Antony and Cleopatra.

Burn'd on the water: the poop was beaten gold; Purple the sails, and so perfumed that The winds were love-sick with them; the oars were silver, Which to the tune of flutes kept stroke, and made The water which they beat to follow faster, As amorous of their strokes. For her own person, It beggar'd all description: she did lie In her pavilion--cloth-of-gold of tissue-- O'er-picturing that Venus where we see The fancy outwork nature: on each side her Stood pretty dimpled boys, like smiling Cupids, With divers-colour'd fans, whose wind did seem To glow the delicate cheeks which they did cool, And what they undid did.

[Jim] “Far too flowery.”

[Lynda] “But it’s evocative.”

[Jim] “I really don’t want to be emoting about pretty dimpled boys like smiling cupids, thank you very much.”

Jim thinks Coriolanus would be more apt. Lynda’s not sure that would have “popular appeal”.

There was a time when all the body's members Rebell'd against the belly, thus accused it: That only like a gulf it did remain I' the midst o' the body, idle and unactive, Still cupboarding the viand, never bearing Like labour with the rest, where the other instruments Did see and hear, devise, instruct, walk, feel, And, mutually participate, did minister Unto the appetite and affection common Of the whole body. The belly answer'd—

[Lynda] “I’m really not sure Jim, it does get rather anatomical, doesn’t it?”

[Jim] “I’d say metaphorical.”

[Lynda] “Well I'm not sure people would want to have the human body dissected in quite such explicit a fashion. It might put them off their food.”

Well, I think Lynda will win this one. In the end.

Lilian calls Matt a “smug bastard”: Tues 20.11.12 #thearchers

The Archers Tuesday 20th November 2012

• Vicky’s huge and captivating
• Wheelie Bins are Council responsibility
• Brenda’s back to making coffee
• Who knocked a post down?
• It doesn’t take much to excite Sabrina Thwaite
• Arthur died, Matt didn’t tell Lilian
• Lilian slips up
• The Bull’s Fashion Show

Vicky’s huge and captivating

[Roy] “She's pretty big now. Huge. She sort of suits it, though ... and Phoebe's really captivated by it all.”

Wheelie Bins are Council responsibility

So Brenda tells a “stupid” tenant.

Steady on Brenda.

As a marketer, you should know how important it is to build good customer relations.


Brenda’s back to making coffee

With Matt away, Lilian’s determined to get back into running her business. She reckons she’s left Brenda to cope alone long enough.

With Lilian back at the helm, Brenda’s immediately despatched to make coffee. Which Brenda will likely moan about just as much as when she was in charge.


Who knocked a post down?

Somebody did, at The Bull.

Though no-one seems concerned about it, so would seem it doesn’t matter.

Odd.


It doesn’t take much to excite Sabrina Thwaite

Seems she and her friends are very excited indeed about the forthcoming fashion show at the Bull.

[Lilian] “The yummy mummies, yes I can imagine.”

Arthur died, Matt didn’t tell Lilian

It fell to Brenda to mention it in passing.

Seems it happened a couple of weeks ago. Brenda was only talking about it as Joyce can’t stand to live in her and Arthur’s house anymore, so is moving into the flat Matt had been harassing them about.

So, Matt gets exactly what he wants.

[Brenda] “I would have thought he’d have mentioned it.”

[Lilian] “So would I!”

So, rather than go to The Bull’s fashion show, Lilian lies in wait for Matt.

When he gets in, he doesn’t start well:

[Matt] “Dinner ready?”

Then, when confronted by Lilian about Arthur, Matt claims he’s positive he told her. In fact, Matt blames Lilian for forgetting due to the “stress” of having James and Leonie around.

[Matt] “You shouldn’t beat yourself up about it.”

Oh Matt, you’re playing a dangerous game there …

Lilian’s adamant Matt didn’t tell her about Arthur. Because he didn’t. Matt would have been too focused on getting Joyce out of the bigger house, into the flat.

Lilian’s obviously upset. She’d spent a lot of time with Arthur when Joyce was in hospital. She would have wanted to go to Arthur’s funeral.

And, of course, she thinks Matt’s treatment of Arthur and Joyce led both to Joyce being hospitalised, and now Arthur dying.

Matt blames social services, and Arthur himself (!) for being stubborn.

[Matt] “The silver lining, at least Joyce can make a fresh start.”

[Lilian] “Oh you smug bastard. This is exactly what you wanted … that poor man’s death should be on your conscience. I don’t know how you can sleep at night,. And if you want some dinner, get it yourself!”

Oh Paul … it’s an open goal at the moment!


Lilian slips up

During their argument, Lilian tries to back her side up by saying that even Darrell didn’t know about Arthur dying.

[Matt] “How do you know he doesn’t know?”

Oops.

Better get better at lying, Lilian.


The Bull’s Fashion Show

The Bull is very busy for its inaugural fashion show.

But. The woman (someone called Leanne) who was supposed to compare has got ‘food poisoning’:

[Kenton] “That’s what she’s calling it.”

Quite right Kenton. ‘Food poisoning’ is always a rubbish excuse.

Anyhoo, Kenton steps up (again), to MC (again) and take the limelight (again).

[Kenton] “What I know about fashion, you could write on the back of a sequin.”

Kenton has the script for the show, so (technically) the audience didn’t have to suffer his quips all night.

But since when has Kenton ever stuck to the script?

[Kenton] “Ladies and … is that Jazzer at the back?”

Yes it was.

Since when has Jazzer passed up a chance to be in a room full of ladies?

Anyhoo, Kenton was very witty, and everyone had a fab night.

[Brenda] “Even Hilary Noakes is smiling!”

Blimey!