The Archers Wed 15th Sept 2010: Harry unveils the We Love The Bull website

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The Archers: Brian tries to tackle Matt ... Fallon is overwhelmed by the "community support" ... Nic's working more shifts

• Will can't keep track of his birds
• I want to know how much
• Cremated steak
• Is that Harry being butch?
• www.welovethebull.???
• Come on Nic, he's a nutter!
• Sid was great at arranging guest spirits?

Will can't keep track of his birds

Which is odd, considering Nic can't even pass wind without him thinking it's a sign she wants another bloke.

Do we detect the supremo gamekeeper is starting to slip a bit?

That'd be just typical. Nic will run off with Harry. Emma has her baby. Will loses his job and goes utterly ballistic at Ed for having a nice tidy life.

I think we should lock him up now, just to be on the safe side.



I want to know how much

So Brian puts only a financial offer on the table to Matt, but we didn't get to hear a price. What, are we talking hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands?

Anyway, Matt had a grand old time using a good old-time villain sneer.

Brian tried to argue that Lilian being on the board was a conflict of interest. Which is true enough. Even if Amside is tiny at the moment, it could use her insider knowledge to steal the march on BL.

But then again, Matt seems quite capable of doing that without a mole.

At his old tricks again, Matt's now saying that this is all Lilian's idea. That she wants to "play a part".

Funny. I could have sworn she doesn't have a clue.

Especially since Matt's bought the land outside of Amside. Lilian probably doesn't even know he has it, let alone knowing anything about him pushing to be on the board of BL.

So here we go again. Matt's lying. To Brian. Who will tell Jennifer all. Who, in turn, will side with Brian. And shout at Lilian. Who is completely oblivious!

Despite Brian trying to play the 'you're a de facto director', which could put Matt back in jail, Matt's not budging.

Claiming "money's not the issue", and happy to sit on the land even if Brian's mart has to go elsewhere, Matt obviously thinks he's onto a winner.

"it's a cheap enough punt"

and a perfect way to get back at all those BL directors who vanished when Matt was caught by the law, and are still snubbing him.

You know - I can't help but admire Matt sometimes ...



Cremated steak

Jazzer actually helped Harry move into his new flat, but obviously charged him, and get a free lunch/pint at The Bull.

And of course, he prefers his meat done extremely well. What a stereotypical Scot that man is.


Is that Harry being butch?

It was a wee bit subtle, but Harry did sound quite irritated by Jazzer.

Finally!

I couldn't work out whether Harry has managed to master the fine art of turning the other cheek, or whether he's naive and oblivious to Jazzer's jests.

And I'm still not sure about Harry. He didn't make that much of a fuss about Jazzer having a dig, but why is he reacting now? Jazzer's said and done far worse before.

To Jazzer's:

"you don't need to weasel your way into every part of the village"

Harry came back with:

"You always say kind things"

But Harry did snap at Jazzer when, after poo-pooing the website, he then tried to get involved to also get in Fallon's good books:

"if there's something you'd be good at, we'd ask"

Oh steady there Harry! It's almost as if you have cajones.


www.welovethebull.???

Well, I'm not sure what Harry was unveiling to Fallon, but I can't find his website.

Whatever it actually was, Fallon was over the moon.

Harry asked Ed and Mike to put up messages of support:

Ed

"if mum didn't have somewhere to send dad and grandad, she'd have killed them years ago"

Mike

"Always been thee with a kind word and a smile"

Aw. Fallon was chocked up.

Of course, Jazzer reckoned it was all a waster of time at first (until he realised Fallon was impressed). He reckoned:

"I show my support every time I plonk my backside on one of these stools"

Which is a fair point.

The Bull is quiet, so where have all the loyal punters gone?

It might be "like a morgue", but money where mouth is methinks. They'll soon all be complaining if it shuts for good.

Anyway, Fallon now feels supported, and is also asking for practical support.

All seems very positive indeed:

"for the first time in ages, i feel like The Bull might finally have a future"

Excellent.

But still don't forget to sign up to the Facebook cause page (click here) to show your support, and keep an eye on #welovethebull if you're on Twitter.


Come on Nic, he's a nutter!

Why on earth can't Nic see that Will isn't just being 'nice', He's trying to control her.

Maybe he hides it well at home.

Will didn't sound too enamoured of Nic offering to do more shifts at The Bull to help Fallon out.

So when is he going to finally blow?

More importantly, when is Nic going to run off with Harry?!?


Sid was great at arranging guest spirits?

I know Fallon also said Ales, but did she actually mention spirits?

Maybe it's just me. I have been chatting away with @sidperksghost on twitter.

News 15th September 2010: Save The Bull on Facebook

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Twitter’s buzzing with efforts to show our support for The Bull.

I’ve also created a Facebook cause page – join now to show your support and Save The Bull!

Life will never be the same again if we can no longer eavesdrop on Ambridge residents having a pint of Shires …

More information: clikc here for the We Love The Bull page on this blog

Save The Bull! 

Join Us:

twitter

Hashtags:
#welovethebull
#savethebull
#archers
#TheArchers

Profiles:
@welovethebull (154 followers and counting)
@thearchersfan
There is a @savethebull, but there’s no tweets under that account as yet

Facebook causes:

We Love The Bull : http://www.causes.com/causes/526294

The Archers Tues 14th Sept 2010: The one with spam

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The Archers: Kenton cooks tea ... the Twins schooling is settled ... Pip is organising a barn dance

• Nigel's surprised there's interest in the allotments
• Has the BBC Radio 4 announcer lived a very sheltered life?
• Classic Navy nosh up a la Kenton
• Did Josh get anything for his 13th?
• The worst thing about Kenton being a prat is David
• America's Next Top Model
• Everyday, I love Nigel just a little bit more ...
• This can only lead to Pip versus Ruth/David round 836
• Kids are sorted ... now Kenton
• Anyone know the whereabouts of Mrs Pugsley?

Nigel's surprised there's interest in the allotments

I do adore Nigel and his posh totty ways, but does he ever catch up with reality?

I'm amazed that he's amazed there's folks out there desperately keen to have an allotment - even before he's had a chance to organise them. I live in the 3rd largest region in Scotland, with only 250,000 folks living here, yet allotments are just as scarce as in a city!

It's quite odd really. I completely had Nigel down as a Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall sort of chap.

Still, it's great that Nigel's got such enthusiasm for sharing (unlike a lot of other landowners), especially in the face of Elizabeth's complete lack of interest.


Has the BBC Radio 4 announcer lived a very sheltered life?

Just as an aside - and similar to last night - the pre-broadcast announcement (and the bit of text you get when you 'watch' Radio 4 on your TV) seemed to suggest Nigel and Elizabeth were about to return home to something utterly horrific.

Last night all it was a bit of rubbish in the bird hide, and tonight it was Kenton. Quite happy. And about to make everyone's tea.

Granted, what Kenton ended up cooking didn't sound too spectacular, but it was hardly the bloodbath/party/drunken destruction/orgy that I thought the announcements were indicating.

Maybe the announcer is living in the same happy, quiet bubble as is Nigel.


Classic Navy nosh up a la Kenton

So back to the point - the horror that awaited Nigel and Elizabeth at Lower Loxley was Kenton with a tin of spam, tomatoes, beans One assumes of the Heinz variety) and Tabasco.

Ye Gods!

Kenton "nicely caramelised" the spam, then chucked it in with his three other ingredients.

Et Voila!

It doesn't sound too nasty, and at least he's making an effort. Elizabeth was, as per, entirely ungrateful. She was quite happy that Kenton didn't make enough for more than two.

Bless Nigel for trying to work out which wine to serve with spam, and then suffering the indignity of a bad stomach after eating it.

(by the way - did we all notice that Kenton managed to take a night off from Jaxx to "thank" Elizabeth and Nigel for letting him stay? Methinks Kathy made an astute point when she said Kenton used Jaxx as an excuse to get out of doing anything he didn't want to)


Did Josh get anything for his 13th?

Maybe I missed it, but surely David and Ruth made a fuss over Josh for becoming a teenager?

or, is that not done anymore - considering kids 'grow up so fast these days'?


The worst thing about Kenton being a prat is David

I know there's a lot to be negative about when it comes to Kenton, but I utterly loathe Mr David Archer when he's given reason to get even more condescending and sneery.

While I do think that Kenton had behaved like a spoilt brat, Kathy does hold a lot of the blame as well and, as Nigel reminded us, all of this is going to be very painful for them both.

Couldn't David get off his pedestal and spare five seconds to think of how his brother is feeling?

No indeed not. He's far too worried about how Kathy and Kenton splitting up will impact on his own perfect wee life.

So Kenton's breakup up is "typical" and Kenton:

"makes the seven year itch feel like a proper medical condition"

In saying that, Ruth and David are right that it could all also spell disaster for Jill's 80th celebrations ...


America's Next Top Model

Tee hee! Kenton was trying to persuade Nigel that America's Next Top Model was great:

"Miss World crossed with The Apprentice"

Um. I don't think Nigel will have watched either of those.

Maybe she should have said it was something more akin to it being like a scullery maid from Upstairs Downstairs being interviewed by the Lady of the House for the Housekeeper position. But without much clothing.

That might have perked Nigel's interest.


Everyday, I love Nigel just a little bit more ...

So Nigel persuaded Elizabeth to let Kenton (her brother!) stay at theirs.

He's eaten spam. And had a sore stomach as a result.

He's invited Kenton out to a wine tasting, which Kenton has of course turned into a "lads night out" (watch out Kirsty!).

And now he's the only person (seemingly in the whole of Kenton's family) who understand that Kenton might actually be a bit hurt.

Elizabeth:

"does he look like a man that's broken hearted to you?!?"

Nigel:

"i think he's hurting inside"

What a thoroughly nice chap you are. Especially when it's been Kenton's food that's made you hurt inside!


This can only lead to Pip versus Ruth/David round 836

Back to her chirpy, perky 'young farmer' self, Pip's been made the Assistant Social Secretary of the Young Farmer's Association.

So, of course, the first thing she does is arrange for a barn dance to be held in one of Brookfield's barns.

Without asking David and Ruth first ... and here we go again!

David was working himself up into a spluttering "you what!?!" frenzy, but Ruth niftily sidestepped him into agreeing.

Although seemingly not like the Harvest Summer they have held at Brookfield,

(David's envisaging "drunk farmers getting up to heaven knows what behind the hay bales")

Pip has promised that the barn dance

"will all be ever so sensible ... trust me"

Oh flipping 'eck Pip! It'll end up with the police, a couple of ambulances and the fire brigade called out.

And thereafter, shouting shall commence.

*sigh*

Still, Ruth seems to think it'll bring Pip and Jonathan back together (were they ever that really together in the first place?), and it'll surely make for great listening in.


Kids are sorted ... now Kenton

So it sounds like Nigel and Elizabeth are happy that the Cathedral School can be trusted with the twins. Especially as Nigel seems quite keen on the Latin teacher (atta boy!).

That means they can concentrate on Kenton and his woes. Or, even trying to get him to admit that he actually does have woes.

Can anything else see Kenton staying out at Lower Loxley, claiming a wing for his own use and squatters rights after an appropriate time?

Talking of which ...


... Anyone know the whereabouts of Mrs Pugsley?

As @JoelHeason pointed out on Twitter - wouldn't one expect The Pargetter's to have a 'lady that does' in Lower Loxley, rather than getting their own food (or having to eat Kenton's concoctions)?

And as @JoelHeason then went onto say - where's Mrs Pugsley gone?

Edgar Titcombe is still around, but has Mrs Pugsley been locked in one of the wings by a mistake? Or has she done a Tracey Barlow and gone up stairs to listen to tapes?

A 'Madwoman in the Attic' perhaps?

If Kenton does stay put, maybe he'll redeem himself by saving her.

Unless someone knows where she's gone to.

News 14th September 2010: We Love The Bull!

While I’m still not sure if Harry Mason is a force for good or evil, he’s single-handedly started a worldwide campaign to show Jolene how much The Bull means to everyone.

We Love The Bull was the URL of the website Harry was showing Nic how to create the other day (click this link for my blog on that episode)

And #welovethebull is now being used by Twitterers to join together to show their support – headed up by @welovethebull

Talk of t-shirts ahoy, and I can imagine flash mobs, sit ins, YouTube videos, facebook pages etc etc are to follow soon.

Watch this space!

(and apologies for the interruption to normal service. I might get round to making a proper ‘news’ page one of these days).

The Archers Mon 13th Sept 2010: rubbish in the new bird hide

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The Archers: Scruff is very barky … Joe’s toenails … Brian tells BL about Matt … Joe and Bert clash

• Not a very ‘shocking’ discovery
• Scruff’s no match for Brian’s Land Rover
• “You can cut my toenails now”
• Eddie needs his constitutional
• “Rather attractive bowl of fruit”
• Not on Joe’s watch!

Not a very ‘shocking’ discovery

There was me thinking the ‘shocking’ discovery in the bird hide might have been a dead body, or someone dead drunk, or even a couple getting dead romantic.

But it turned out to be larger cans, cigarette butts and cider.

Lynda was typically horrified, with both her and Bert deciding to blame teenagers.

Which Lynda seemed to decide after she’d spotted the leftover cider.

Lynda later rants to Clarrie about how riotous teenagers are completely the parents fault. Clarrie of course defends both parents and teens (she could hardly agree, with the state her Edward and William got into).

Hmmm.

I wouldn’t be so fast to blame the Hoodie set.

Could it be a Grundy? Or Kenton?

Or event Lynda’s own Robert? She did say he was in the bird hide the previous evening.

Has he finally cracked?


Scruff’s no match for Brian’s Land Rover

I wouldn't be so sure. Maybe not on direct impact, but in the right conditions ...



“You can cut my toenails now”

Is there no end to the debasement of Clarrie?

While talking to Lynda (gossiping about Kenton and Kathy), Joe appears at the door in his bathrobe, feet washed and ready for Clarrie to cut his toenails.

Yuk!


Eddie needs his constitutional

So after cutting Joe’s toenails, Clarrie also needs to take Eddie out for a constitutional (a la Lynda and Scruff), or he’ll also be “impossible for the rest of the day”.

Honestly, no wonder the woman gossips. What a life of drudgery.


“Rather attractive bowl of fruit”

At an early Borchester Land meeting (10am – the poor poppets), the coffee may be rubbish, but at least Brian finds something rather alluring in the fruit provided.

Breaking the news that they’ll have to buy the access land from Matt, the board is understandably perturbed that they’ll have to deal with Matt again – and rather horrified to think that he wants them to share their fruit with Lilian.

Assuming that Lilian would just be Matt’s stooge – which I think is completely underestimating Lilian – they simply can’t agree to Matt’s terms.

Then Brian makes his big announcement of a cunning plan. Which is … to do absolutely nothing.

“Standing firm” means they’ll give Matt a decent price for the land (or at least “fair” by Brian’s standards), but they won’t accept Lilian onto the BL board. Brian’s reasoning is that the land is fairly worthless unless BL buys it, and with Matt needing his cash flow, they just need to have a staring contest with him.

Trouble is, I think Matt’s rather good at staring.


Not on Joe’s watch!

Bert and Joe square up to each other over Joe being asked to judge the veg at the flower and produce show.

Bert just won’t let it go, but Joe’s adamant that his experience, and fair approach, will make this a show to remember – with no dodgy decisions.

“there won’t be no undeserving winner”

Good oh. But either way, Bert will need DNA proof of that before he’ll be satisfied.

The Archers 12th September 2010: Jolene goes to a cricket match

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The Archers: Jamie’s first full team cricket match … Kathy and Jolene find comfort ... Harry starts a website .. Jamie's back to shouting

• Fallon gets Jolene out of the house
• Roy lost his wicket
• Group hug?
• I know him so well
• I really do hope Jamie’s shoulders are that broad

Fallon gets Jolene out of the house

And along to a cricket match.

This could have gone either way – it could have sent her into a deeper depression (memories of Sid playing cricket, and that it is a cricket match … oh how dull!), or made her realise that life does strive on.

Has Fallon actually tried a good hard slap? I don’t advocate violence, but needs must …


Roy lost his wicket

And then Fallon mentioned the score. But I only have to take her word for it that they weren’t playing too badly.

It’s all cricket to me …


Group hug?

Was Harry a youth worker in his previous life?

I know he means well, and he’s right in that The Bull’s punters should try and show Jolene how much she (well … the pub actually) means to them.

But a group hug? Even as a metaphor, it sends shivers.

Ever on the ball with new media, Harry decides that they need to create a website for everyone to show how much the pub means to them. He also made mention of a Facebook profile of a Twitter account. But, I wonder if this will all go the same way as Harry’s blog (which has been quiet for some time now).

Poor Nic sounded a bit perplexed at getting roped in, and goodness knows what Will will say when he hears Harry’s been teaching her new skills.


I know him so well

Probably just me, but I had Elaine Page and Barbara Dickson playing in my head as I listened to Jolene and Kathy reminiscing about Sid.

Despite Kathy’s clarification that she doesn’t miss Sid “like that”, I think Jolene knows that they’re both mourning for a man they loved.


I really do hope Jamie’s shoulders are that broad

Jolene thinks Jamie’s got the same broad shoulders as Sid had.

I hope so.

As well as coping with him mum’s over protectiveness, and her arguments with Kenton, and his dad dying … Jamie’s might now have to also be a beacon of hope for Jolene.

Seeing so much of Sid in Jamie doesn’t bode well.

And right on cue, Jamie starts shouting at Kathy again.

Damn it! With Kenton gone to Lower Loxley, I thought we’d have far less shouting from that corner of Ambridge. Especially as Kathy and Jamie seemed to be getting on.

The Archers 10th September 2010: Kenton moves to Lower Loxley

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The Archers: Lower Loxley needs tlc … Kenton and Kathy shouting (prt 572) .. it hasn’t been Bert’s week

• “what used to be mummy's room”
•  “how am I supposed to be a writer if I hadn’t had the trauma of being sent away to boarding school?”
•  What about the music teacher?
•  About last night …
•  Bert sounds depressed
•  Joe’s very happy
•  Kenton moves in

“what used to be mummy's room”

Ah Nigel. You are a cute piece of posh totty.


“how am I supposed to be a writer if I hadn’t had the trauma of being sent away to boarding school?”

Says Lily.

Freddy just hugged his parents when told he was also saved from that “trauma”

What about the music teacher?

Amazed that Freddy’s tutor actually texts (though goodness knows why), Nigel was about to retell a story about a “beastly teacher” he once had.

But he was interrupted.

I can’t cope with such cliff-hangers.

About last night …

Well, we couldn’t expect Kenton to behave as he did at the Gold Club dinner and get away with it.

Mores the pity. Surely he and Kathy can just split up now, and leave us alone. Shouting, shouty, McShout. Enough!

Kathy’s right that this whole situation is more than just Kenton behaving immaturely.

The very fact that she feels that she’s let him get away with too much, leading him to think that such behaviour is acceptable, sounds more like a mum talking about her son than a woman talking about her partner.

It just isn’t healthy.

Kenton comes back with how he’s supported Kathy through lost before (which he has) and that she’s been wallowing and pushing him away (which she has), but I still don’t buy that he can compare Jaxx to Sid dying.

Yes, Kathy should have been encouraging over Kenton’s work, but Sid’s death was a tad more important. And there’s no doubt that Kenton does indeed put Jaxx before everything and everyone else. Including using it as an excuse to get out of doing anything he doesn’t want to do.

Then whoops:

“I was at my husband's funeral”

As Kenton bellowed in response: “EX HUSBAND”

And there was the truth of it. As Kathy has said, Kenton is not Sid. And Kathy has never really got over Sid, nor can cope without him.

“If I’m no good as a dad, I might as well be a lad”

Oh feuck off then Kenton and have your midlife crisis.


Bert sounds depressed

Irritated that the PCC has to find money for another of Lynda’s bright ideas (this time a ledge for the Peregrines to perch on), Bert’s an unhappy chappy.

He still doesn’t think Joe has the “credentials” to judge the veg, and is now being an utter snob about it.

Seemingly Nigel is the right man to judge the wine (as he’s educated and has been on a few courses), but Joe’s experience counts for nothing.

Despite Nigel trying to calm Bert down (by pointing out that it’ll be hard to get a professional to a village show, and that Bert shouldn’t get things out of proportion), Bert’s real problem is that he thinks Joe will deliberately block him from winning any prizes.

“Arch rival” or not, do we think Joe would stoop so low?

“come on Bert – you’re bigger than this . Value the game above the prize”

Quite right Nigel.


Joe’s very happy
Delighted to be asked to be the judge, Joe

“can’t wait to see the look on Bert's face”

Hmmm. Maybe Bert is right to be so concerned.


Kenton moves in

Collecting his stuff while Kathy’s out, Kenton then begs a room at Lower Loxley.
Elizabeth thinks he needs to stay put, and not walk away from his problems.
But Nigel caves.

Kenton thinks him moving out is

“best way to let the heat out of the situation”

But it is also easier for him.

And now he can be a “lad”.

Ho Hum!

The Archers September 9th 2010: The Golf Club Dinner

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• The Preparations
• The Dinner
• The Aftermath

The Preparations

With both Lilian and Jennifer rushing around getting their hair done and clothes spruced up, all poor Kathy can do is dry clean her dress. After all, she’s a worker, not a guest.

No-one really seems to be looking forward to the Golf Club’s dinner dance but, for one reason or another, they find themselves having to go.

Lilian gives good advice:

“Just do what I do … have a few drinks. It dulls the pain no end”

And Kathy and Kenton are actually being nice to each other (she thinks he looks very James Bond, he thinks she also looks very James Bond, but in a dress …!).

But ominous ahoy!

“I will be a support and a credit to you”

Ah. When Kenton utters something along those lines, you just know he’ll do the complete opposite.

(And who knew that Underwoods alter clothes? I was most excited to find that out.)

The Dinner

Lots of small talk (seemingly the cost of taps is outrageous), spotting of people best avoided, and dancing to Abba and the Bee Gees.

Brian and Jennifer clock Benedict and Amanda, then also spy Benedict’s ex-wife Amelia.

Matt and Lilian make a beeline for Jennifer and Brian (well, who else can they talk to. All the others still think Matt’s criminality is catching).

The ever charming Brian:

“Lilian - looking lovely as ever! … All comes from within … no artifice”

Lilian as ever spot-on:

“Matt and I are social kryptonite”

“Anything by Olivia Newton john and I’m off“

And Kenton’s being nice to Toni-Ann. Who is Lee’s girlfriend. Lee is the golf professional. Which means he works with Kathy, and helped Jamie get a job. And also has a ‘harem’ of women he teaches.

First thing to kick off is Amanda and Amelia having a spat outside (which Jennifer most annoying drags Lilian, and us, away from).

Then Kenton kicks off when he’s told that Amanda was flirting with Lee

“oh that man - how many women does he want!”

Which results in Kenton throwing a punch at Lee, and being driven home early by an icily furious Kathy.


The Aftermath

Obviously quite drunk (Kenton couldn’t remember what je’d just said, struggles to get his seatbelt off and couldn’t find his key), Kenton’s done it yet again.

He has a point that Kathy told him to enjoy himself, but he also fails to understand that this was not a licence to flirt, get pissed and punch one of Kathy’s colleagues.

“It’s always the same thing with you”

Well Kenton, Kathy can also say the same about you.

The Archers 8th September 2010: Fallon and Harry look at flats

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The Archers: Harry “international man of mystery” … Alistair and Elizabeth visit a school … Jill’s birthday plans

• Fallon’s planning Harry’s spare bedroom
• Why do kids come second to the wife’s happiness?
• “WHIT!?!”
• Jolene has an idea
• It’s okay, Bath has plenty of hotels

Fallon’s planning Harry’s spare bedroom

Harry’s taken one of Lilian/Matt’s flats. Which makes him an Ambridge resident.

He took Fallon along to look at the flat, and while she was trying to work out if he slept with his bike next to his bed, it sounded like Fallon might be interested in more than just friendship.

When Harry said that:

“It’s all your fault for making me want to move here”

Fallon sounded very disappointed when he clarified that it was only because staying at The Bull had made him realise it would be more convenient to live locally. Which is far from wanting to just be close to Fallon.

Harry made another faux pas by saying

“I don’t want to be one of those losers still living with their mum and dad through their 20s”

After all, that’s what Fallon does (well nearly – Sid’s dead and her real dad lives elsewhere).

So, is Harry oblivious to Fallon as a lady? Does he just want to be friends? Does he have another lady stashed elsewhere? Is he gay? Or is he just utterly void of any romantic intentions?

We must be told!


Why do kids come second to the wife’s happiness?

As Alistair and Elizabeth were looking round a potential school for the twins (which Daniel already goes to), Alistair mentioned that, despite being anti-private schools, he gave in so that Shula could be happy. And (as an afterthought) Daniel too.

That was Nigel’s’ exact same reason for giving into Elizabeth about not sending the twins away.

Will no-one think of the children first (!?!?)


“WHIT!?!”

Which was Jazzer’s response to Fallon mentioning that she’d been looking at flats with Harry.

Poor chap. Especially as Fallon could only say that was ridiculous, as she couldn’t leave her mum (rather than the idea of her and Harry being ridiculous)

“who wouldn’t be riveted by anything that Harry does!?!”

"nice wee pal for you – [someone you can] crack open your energy drink with"

“will you still have time for your blog … you'll have your piny on!

”

Hmmm. Jazzer wasn’t quit on form with his Harry attacks today, and also was being a silly wee lad over the computer table (he didn’t want Harry to have the one he’d put together for Fallon).

From the sounds of it, Fallon might be interested in Harry, despite Jazzer’s childish behaviour. Funny that.


Jolene has an idea
Hurrah!

It may have only been that Harry could make use of some old bar stools for his new flat, but it’s a step in the right direction.

She actually engaged in a conversation, and had her own thought about solving a problem.

But one wee shuffle forward, 265 steps back.

Jolene later flees back upstairs again when a customer asks her how her husband is.

“it's hopeless isn’t it. She can’t cope. I can’t blame her”

Maybe Fallon will need to find a flat after all (with or without Harry).


It’s okay, Bath has plenty of hotels

So the Jill/Phil side of the Archers clan will celebrate Jill’s birthday by having a weekend in Bath.

Which has plenty of hotels. Thank goodness(!).

As per, Kenton’s initially made a fuss over having to leave his beloved Jaxx for a weekend, and also wants to do ‘exciting’ stuff like hot air ballooning and driving steam engines.

Does he know his mum at all?

So now that Elizabeth has had the idea, Kenton has been in appropriate and Shula … well … Shula doesn’t seem to have had anything to say, it’s over to David and Ruth to make arrangements.

Which is a worry. Those two are probably still in shock that they had to get something called a ‘passport’ last time they went on holiday.

The Archers 7th September 2010: the Dairy Event

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The Archers: Jill’s going to be 80 in October … the lesbian scandal continues … Bert’s an angry man … Eddie tells Ed he knows

• Why the scandal?
• Let Joe be the judge
• Any excuse for another pint, Eddie
• Does Heat magazine not have a gardening section?

Why the scandal?

I’m a bit unsure about how to take all the gossip about Harold Asquith (real name Wendy Diamond) and Colin Carpenter (Michelle MacLean).

Ambridge residents don’t seem to really be scandalised – just more amused. As Jill mentioned, Lynda’s only “in a state” because she’s lost a judge.

But, is the amusement because it’s two women who have eloped?

Or, that these two women were writing as men, who everyone now knows are women, who have eloped?

Or, is it just that this is indeed the “most interesting bit of news” to come from the Borchester Echo in aged?

I can sympathise with having a local paper that seems to recycle the same headlines about rural buses (though I have to also say that rural buses are indeed a big issue for us rural folks. Having one bus every third Tuesday at 3.34pm isn’t funny …!).

And other ‘news’ does often include ground breaking snippets like “women 93 dies” (hardly unusual indeed Mr Fry!). I’m also not surprised that the Borchester Echo will simply re-run columns from the same time last year, rather than replace their two columnists.

“Harold Asquith doesn’t know anything about tomatoes”

so says Bert, more annoyed that anyone gives a hoot that this charlatan was writing bad advice about veg, than the fact that he is a she who’s run off with another she.

To be frank, I just don’t get it. This whole situation has turned Ambridge’s residents into a bunch of schoolgirls giggling over catching their teachers having a kiss.

And worse, it’s bordering on them being homophobic.

Goodness me – grow up!


Let Joe be the judge

And why not indeed? He certainly does know his onions.

Bert’s most decidedly unamused at the thought.

Despite Joe having a very long history of entries into the flower and produce show (he entered a sunflower at age 4, so that gives him a whopping 85 years of experience), Bert just won’t accept that Joe’s the right man for the job.

In trying to avoid bad feeling before the show (because there’s seemingly enough bad feeling after it), Lynda outs the ball firmly into Bert’s court:

“incumbent upon you to find someone else [by the end of the week] … the matter's in your hands”

Fair do. Put up or shut up Bert!


Any excuse for another pint, Eddie

Most certainly uninterested in the information and stalls at the dairy event, Eddie’s winding Ed up by wanting to sit in the bar all day, rather than talk to genetics people, and blokes with champion heifers, at the dairy event.

And just as Clarrie managed to keep quiet about knowing Emma was pregnant, Eddie also can’t keep stum.

Waxing lyrical about the “Grundy’s at Grange farm for generations”, and how Ed was proving himself “not just at work”, Eddie’s subtly runs out with:

“sprouting another little branch soon”

Ed’s a bit annoyed at first, but his delight over Emma’s pregnancy wins through.
But, is it just me, or is all this Grundy delight bound to turn to tragedy?


Does Heat magazine not have a gardening section?

I wouldn’t know.

But that’s seemingly enough reason to not worry about Sabrina being involved with choosing the judge for the beg competition.

I do agree that Shula’s “absence is irrelevant”.

When was the last time Shula had any relevance at all?

The Archers 6th September 2010: Matt scuppers Borchester Land’s plans

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The Archers: Matt pulls a blinder … Eddie knows how to sort The Bull … lesbians flee Borchester

• Matt’s not lost his touch
• Joe’s runner beans are straight
• Lynda’s being a bit mean
• Eddie does have a point about The Bull
• Harold Asquith and Colin Carpenter
• “Lilian’s so transparent”

Matt’s not lost his touch

Now I understand why we had to listen to Brian waffling on about an access road the other day.

It’s because he must be able to buy it if his mart project is to go ahead.

But, Matt’s managed to get in there first and buy it before Brian could.

Sneaky. And what a way to scupper his old ‘colleagues’ at Borchester Land.

“I think you ask me to name my price”

BUT, it’s not cash that Matt’s after.

He wants shares and a seat on the board of Borchester Land.

For Lilian.

Eh?

Does Matt think Lilian would want that, or be daft enough to do his bidding if she does get on the board?

Or am I missing something? If he wants a patsy, shouldn’t he just get Brenda?


Joe’s runner beans are straight

Good for you, my friend.

Seemingly runner beans should have the length, be straight and shouldn’t be hard and scaly.

Chuffed with his entry for that category in the flower and produce show, Joe’s off for a sneaky look at Jim’s onions.

He’s also keeping a close eye on Bert Fry, even if the veg Bert donates to the Village Shop is seemingly veg he should be ashamed of. Annoyed that Bert is calling himself a “special adviser” due to his advice that he’s giving to Lower Loxley’s about their allotment plans (advice which is indeed ‘special’), it seems Joe’s nose is out of joint about not him not being asked to help.

Oh dear. Veg can indeed be bad for one’s health, especially when it comes to Joe versus Bert.

Lynda’s being a bit mean

Now I know Lynda can be a lot of things, but she isn’t really a nasty person.
So why was she so blatantly gloating over the Grundy’s lack of campers at Camp Grundy?

I thought she’d changed her attitude when she found that it was actually useful having a campsite to compliment her B&B.

Still, she was nice about Joe's runner beans.


Eddie does have a point about The Bull

Eddie reckons that Ambridge made the “wrong call” when it stepped in to save the Village Shop. It should have held its fire for The Bull.

He does have a very good point that the Post Office could have put in the pub, and that it is also possible to run the pub as a community. But, that’s not going to be possible with everyone donating their time and money to the Village Shop.

“[do you think Pat would let me] settle down with a pint of cider between the cat food and the birthday cards?

”

True enough, but if it can happen in Ireland, surely it could happen in Ambridge?

Harold Asquith and Colin Carpenter

So Borchester Echo’s Harold Asquith, the gardening correspondent, has run off with Colin Carpenter, the motoring correspondent.

That leaves Lynda without a judge for the veg.

And great gossip for Ambridge.

Harold and Colin are pseudonyms.

Harold and Colin are … wait for it … both women.

Oh how modern times can perplex. And play havoc with a flower and produce show.


“Lilian’s so transparent”

Reckons Jennifer.

She’s right that she was able to spot the whole ‘Paul’ situation without making much effort, but I don’t think either her or Brian shouldn’t underestimate our Lilian. Even if she was

“here most of Saturday, shamelessly drinking my gin”

It doesn’t seem like Lilian is aware of Matt’s plans for her at Borchester Land. And I think she’ll also have the same reaction as Jennifer has at the thought of joining the board:

“back stabbing old goats”

Brian’s new plan is to hold his nerve, and sit it out until Matt gets desperate.
After all, Matt isn’t exactly flush with money, so will need to sell the access land to get his cash flowing.

Either way, I’m glad Jennifer isn’t automatically falling out with Lilian (as is per usual). But, with Brian and Matt soon to be at each other’s throats again, Lilian and Jennifer won’t be on friendly terms for much longer.

The Archers 5th September 2010: call time on the bull?

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The Archers: Emma can’t hide from Clarrie … Ian and Adam have a busman’s Sunday

• Simply ooooooooooooozing
• “Grey Gables gourmets are going to have to wait”
•  You can’t fool Clarrie
•  “Get rid of Freda and change the menu” – oh my!
•  Clarrie keeps the secret for less time than it takes …

Simply ooooooooooooozing

Joe’s decided he wants Clarrie to bake him a cake for his birthday.

It needs to be a plain Victoria sponge “oooozing with jam and butter cream”.

And he’s timed it well (or at least his mum did!). Clarrie’s on cooking overdrive ahead of the flower and produce show.


“Grey Gables gourmets are going to have to wait”

How nice to hear from Adam and Ian again.

Off on a trip to have a look at a fruit producer for Adam, Ian also managed to get Adam to go to lunch at a pub famed for its great food.

In telling Ian that he can’t have certain food produce for his restaurant until it actually grows (“delayed gratification), Adam already foresees that Ian will

“be taking half of my cherries”

Terribly uncouth of me – but didn’t that happen years ago?!?


You can’t fool Clarrie

After years of sniffing out Eddie and Joe’s cunning plans, Clarrie spots that Emma’s pregnant (after she keeps throwing up).

Swearing Clarrie to secrecy, Emma’s a bit worried that her pregnancy is already difficult compared to when she was pregnant with George.

Clarrie reckons that means it could be a girl this time.

Hmmm. She’ll be cracking out the needle and thread next to see which way it spins.


“Get rid of Freda and change the menu” – oh my!

As they’re having their lunch in this wonderful pub with wonderful food, Ian reckons that The Bull needs to shape up its own food if it’s to survive.

Seemingly Freda’s habit of serving tomato ketchup sachets on the side of everything just isn’t good enough, and

“it’s not the most tactful thing to say considering the circumstances … but the atmosphere is like a morgue”

I can see what Ian’s driving at, but surely it’s Jolene that should go rather than Freda? Even if the food was stunning, how would one be able to enjoy their bruschetta with Jolene’s vacant stare haunting your every move?

Still, I hadn’t thought that Caroline and Oliver might be interested in The Bull again, and at least Ian later had a chat with Lilian to finally put to bed the idea that she’ll save The Bull single handed.

“people seem to think I have some sort of obligation”

Lilian doesn’t have the money, nor does it seem like she has the implication.

And worse still, she even sounds like she’ll also pull out of the pub if Jolene leaves. Quite simply, it was the “chemistry” between Jolene and Sid that made The Bull a success

“if Jolene can’t pull through with this, we might have to call time on the bull”

Yikes!


Clarrie keeps the secret for less time than it takes …

… to soft boil an egg.

She told Eddie the first chance she had!

“I was starting to think Edwards was firing blanks”

says Eddie, when he learns that he’s about to become a grandad again.

But ever canny, Clarrie knows that it’s our old psychotic friend Will who’s going to be the tricky one.

Whereas Eddie thinks Will “won’t be bothered”, Clarrie knows that he’s not exactly going to crack open the champagne.

Well, maybe he will. If it’s over Ed’s head.

The Archers 3rd September 2010: The New Bird Hide Opens

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The Archers: Chris and Alice have new furniture ... Brian can't build his road where he'd like to ... the new bird hide opens

• Flat packed furniture? *shudder*
• "I can tell her heart isn't it"
• Stone facials and free booze
• 'Birder' not 'Twitcher'
• Is Patrick really just a good friend?
• Why is Kirsty being such a b*tch?
• Oh dear. Brian can't have his road where he wants it.

Flat packed furniture? *shudder*

I could actually hear Jennifer's skin crawl as she related to Lilian that Chris and Alice had returned to their cottage with flat packed furniture.

Horrified that they weren't using what was already in there:

"the furniture is all perfectly charming ... I chose it myself!"

Jennifer has kept said furniture in a barn. Just in case it's needed again.

She's still hopeful that this marriage won't last.

"You're such a misery ... be happy for them"

Hear hear Lilian.

Still, I had to chortle that Jennifer thought it acceptable that Alice was doing all the furniture building:

"She is an engineer!"

Oh Jennifer! How about it being okay, just because it is okay for a woman, rather than a man, to tackle (what I assume is) Ikea furniture?

It hardly takes a masculine perspective, nor an engineering degree.


"I can tell her heart isn't it"

No sh*t Sherlock!

Lilian, it really doesn't take special powers to notice that Jolene is of almost catatonic state these days,

"Jolene really does say all the right things"

Eh? I haven't heard Jolene say more than 'what?' in the last few weeks, unless it's been a monologue about Saint Sid.

Maybe Lilian just prefers to hear monosyllabic grunts.

Anyway, Lilian's bizarre take on Jolene aside, it looks like she thinks Jolene will sell her share in The Bull.

Worried that they (a) need someone with money who will (b) also run the bar, at (c) a time when village pubs are closing at an alarming rate, Lilian didn't sound very positive about The Bull's future.

Well, until she realised that she could make it into flats ...

Jennifer was rightly horrified at the thought, and I think there would be a fair few other residents who'd have quite a lot to say if The Bull wasn't The Bull.

Look at what happened with the Village shop.

Can pubs be run as community pubs?


Stone facials and free booze

Despite saying all of the above, I simply adore Lilian.

Late to the 'launch' of the new bird hide because she's having a stone facial at 10am, she then simply oozes when a bloke from Borchester Radio asks for for an interview.

Honestly, I thought she'd misheard him, and thought he was offering something far more intimate!

Initially choosing to take the limelight rather than admit she's not remotely interested in bird hides, Lilian could only say that there was "masses" of wildlife, like "ducks and geese".

"what sort of use will you get out of the hide?"

"me? personally???"

Lilian then went onto say she'd use it if she was out for a walk and it started raining ... not that she does ever go for a walk.

"You're not a birder then?"

"I'm here for the drinks and the nibbles!"

Jennifer saved the day with some banal mutterings about the hide being good for school kids.

[Lilian] "it's rather utilitarian"

[Jennifer] "it's not here to draw attention to itself!"

*snort*


'Birder' not 'Twitcher'

I never knew that.

And if you didn't either, now you do.

Cheers Patrick!



Is Patrick really just a good friend?

I think he is. But sometimes you just can't.

Patrick also now has a surname. We can call him Mr Patrick Hennessey. Even more signs that there be more Patrick to follow

That'd be a good thing if it is just more than mates between Patrick and Kirsty. It'd mean she's not chasing Kenton (yuck!), and she might also stop being such a b*tch.

And on that matter ...


Why is Kirsty being such a b*tch?

First she tells all of Helen's most heartfelt woes to Tom (knowing that Helen will be furious that she has done so),

now she's upsetting Fallon by being rude and blunt about Jolene.

After saying how awful Jolene looked:

"people are saying she wants out of the bull ... I don't know if you know"

So telling Fallon across the bar was the best way to possibly break the news?

What on earth is Kirsty up to?


Oh dear. Brian can't have his road where he wants it.

Seemingly the Highways Department isn't happy about where Brian wants the access road to be for the mart development.

I'll admit that I completely zoned out when Brian was talking about it. It felt like we were about to have another 'reading of the job advert' filler.

If there was anything more to say about this, please let me know.

The Archers 2nd September 2010: Ambridge Organic's big event (or not!)

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The Archers: The Snells take revenge on The Harris' ... Helen's tired ... Jill buys a vase

• Bless the Snells and their wicked ways
• Pip's back at College
• Free the Pargetter One!
• A friend in need ... doesn't need Kirsty
• Thank god for that!

Bless the Snells and their wicked ways

Catching the Harris' children in the dining room eating breakfast, Lynda and Robert realise that it the Harris kids, and not the Harris parents, who've been making such a mess in their bathroom and stealing toilet roll.

The kids should have been camping at Camp Grundy, but they've been sneaked back in to use the Snell's facilities. Which they haven't paid for.

That they're now eating their cereal is just not on.

Robert creates a cunning plan, which is basically overcharging for a packet lunch in lieu of the extra costs.

Naughty!

But wait - there's more!

Cereal will now be brought to their table rather than be self services.

And next time the Harris' try to book a room, the Snells will ... wait for it ... tell them they have no room! Even if they do have!!!

Jinks! Who would ever have thought that such a nice couple would stoop so low ...


Pip's back at College

And no one harassed her about Jude.

So now she just has to work really hard to catch-up.

Think she'll do a Corrie Tracey and not come down from her bedroom for a few years?

I can but live in hope.


Free the Pargetter One!

There's poor Freddie frantically worrying about having to go a boarding school that he'll now not be sent to.

Tell the wee lad! He deserves to have a panic free childhood.


A friend in need ... doesn't need Kirsty

What is Kirsty thinking?

Or is she just not thinking?!?

I find her a very strange lass at times. She obviously cares for Helen, but why did she (a) give Leon Helen's number and now (b) tell Tom things about Helen that Kirsty knows she won't be happy about.

And as for her behaviour with Kenton ...

Spilling all to Tom about Helen feeling tired, and having been a bit freaked out by having the tests, was (in a round about way) a good thing. At least it got Tom talking to Helen about her pregnancy.

But when you have to out a proviso like

"don't tell her i said this - she would hate it if she knew we were talking behind her back"

onto a conversation, you know you're doing something a tad disloyal.

Either way, this could mean more support for Helen - or more 'I told you so' from Tony (after Tom also inevitably blabs to him as well).

Not sure about having to hear the 'love in the room' between Tom and Helen though ...


Thank god for that!

The chiller cabinet recording book was found in time, the chiller was at the right temperature, the cookery demo was well attended and sold lots of books, and more veg box orders were taken.

Good.

Just like Helen, I couldn't sleep for worrying.

The Archers 1st September 2010: Environmental Health

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The Archers: Back to school … Will takes the kids to the pub … Helen gets a visit from Environmental Health

• When Harry met Nic
• When Will met Harry
• How do the wheels on the bus go?
• “Had pictured everything perfect ... it might not be”
• Was Tom Terrified?

Harry and Nic?

Now that might too obvious a thing to say after last night, but I had been wondering what the point of Harry was.

Seemingly good lucky, very friendly and adored by all who meet him.

And we’ve also found out that he helps his sister Patsy out with her child Jasper (as she’s a single mum).

Is there no end to his good deeds?

He seemed to be getting on well with Nic when they met dropping off their respective small people at school.

And Harry did seem keen to see if Nic was working that night at The Bull.

“How lucky I am to have found Will!”

Not even the slightest, Nic.

Though I really wouldn’t like to have to tell him that to his face.


When Will met Harry

Will is becoming a bigger worry every time he speaks.

After Nic mentioned that she might do more hours at The Bull again (with the kids back at school), he (of course) has to turn up at her shift to make sure any male attention is firmly deflected.

He has her in a house isolated away from neighbours, managed to get her to drop some shifts at The Bull be claiming he was too busy to look after the kids, and now turns up with the kids to sit at the bar.

Is it just me, or is this situation heading into a classic case of domestic abuse? He hasn’t hit her (as far as we know), but he’s certainly controlling her every move.

After his attempt to stop her working at The Bull failed when the kids went back to school, Will is now telling Nic that he’s worried she “won’t have time to yourself” and that he “don’t want you to get tired”.

Hmmm. I think the lad protest too much.

So when he turns up at The Bull and sees Nic having a nice chat with Harry, he comes out with:

“Did you know Nic had kids? Lovely kids they are. Smashing. I'm very fond of them. We have a nice family unit.”

So his new tactic appears to be putting off any prospective suitors by showing them Nic isn’t available, nor baggage free.

Well, we all know that really won’t matter is push comes to shove. I just hope this doesn’t go further than Will be a bit of an annoying arse …


How do the wheels on the bus go?

“round and round”

Well done Mia.

And congratulations too to Harry’s nephew Jasper for having an “incident with the glitter glue”.

There’s real hope for the future of Ambridge.


“Had pictured everything perfect ... it might not be”

Stressing about Ambridge Organics ‘big day’ tomorrow, Helen’s slipping into control freak overdrive.

Shame on Kirsty for even suggesting that they shut up a few minutes before official closing time.

Helen later regretted they hadn’t.

Just before they were about to shut, they got a visit from environmental health.

Who find one of their chiller cabinets was 2 degrees warmer than it should be.

And will have to return tomorrow as they couldn’t find their record book.

Oh good god. This is enough to send Helen into a very dark place indeed!

All should be well (as the cabinet had been moved earlier that day, plus the office is chaos due to their event tomorrow), but it sounded like one thing too many for Helen.

Rather than Happy Helen, she’s back on form as worried/stressed/negative Helen.

It might have been Kirsty’s reaction to the triple testing yesterday, but Helen is beginning to realise that neither her pregnancy nor birth nor life thereafter is going to be formulaic.

“so many unknowns having a baby”

Which is just not a lifestyle or mindset that Helen can deal with.

Oh dear. Just when I thought Helen had finally found her calm space …


Was Tom Terrified?

That’s the only explanation I can come up with his inability to behave like a normal human being when faced with an Environmental Health office

“Hi. I’m Tom Archer … Helen's brother … I brought the cooker and stuff … they're outside”

Eh?

He sounded like a teenage boy trying to play polite with his girlfriend’s dad.

The Archers 31st August 2010: Fallon learns of Jolene's plans

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The Archers: Jazzer's being witty ... Helen sees the midwife ... Fallon finally gets told about Jolene's plans for The Bull

• Ugh. Tom with his shirt off.
• Jazzer's back!
• Patrick's still around
• "coming out all crust and no filling"
• At least Jazzer told Fallon!
• Chances are 1 in 800
• The position Helen prefers?
• Don't let Jolene do the VAT!

Ugh. Tom with his shirt off.

That was a horrid start to today's listening.

I don't care how hot that polytunnel was. Surely health and safety, or at least food hygiene, would dictate that Tom stay firmly clothed.

Surely!


Jazzer's back!

And on superb form.

"Shelly Brazil? She had to work in food with a name like that ... bit of a tough nut? Is the pieman called Julian Crust?"

"Have you seen the newlyweds? [They've been] buying paint. It turns my stomach. They're round like cottage like a pair of pensioners, with a wee pint of semi in the morning"

"That's lassie talk ... making a healthy breakfast, patting him on the heid and sending him aff to work - that isnae romance, it's penal servitude!"

"Poor wee chris has had a epidectomy if you ask me"

"This new pump jockey - is he married?"

Maybe much more to follow if he gets as jealous about Rhys as he did over Harry.


And Patrick's still around ...

Kirsty's helping out with the new hide at the nature reserve - with Patrick.

Still saying their just friends, what on earth is wrong with Kirsty, Fallon and Helen that there's been so many new single blokes turning up, yet not a hint of any interest?

Patrick. The new barperson Rhys. Harry the Milkman. The veg man's son. Gavin from North Wales ...

... why so many new men, but no distraction for the single ladies?


"coming out all crust and no filling"

Ach well Helen. That can happen to the best of us.

At least it's just the pies this time.


At least Jazzer told Fallon!

He may not have told her in the most subtle or helpful of way (could he ever be capable of such?), but at least Jazzer told Fallon what everyone else was saying.

Someone needed to tell her that she might be homeless anytime Jolene completely cracks.

Jolene's silence when Fallon confronted her about selling The Bull spoke volumes.

She's gone beyond all reasoning. While she noticed that Fallon had been working really hard, she didn't think to tell her that all of her work might be utterly wasted.

Still, Fallon's no better at times. As if a "little solo tour" would sort out all of Jolene's woes.

"it was Sid. He's everywhere I look ... every corner reminds him of me ... where he hit his head and couldn't curse because Marjorie Antrobus was there) ... doesn't matter who is pulling the pint, it's Sid I see way .. the way he folded his cuffs back ... the gray hairs on his wrist"

"I can't bear it everyday. It's just torture. Got to get out"

"It's the life I shared with Sid. Without him, I need a new life"

Which Fallon returned with:

"what about me?"

"I don't want somewhere ... I love this place ... I couldn't bear to leave ... everything I love is here ... the band, friends, the upstairs, even the old codgers who complain about the ale ... please don't take all that away from me"

Oh deary me. Fallon has managed to persuade Jolene to "give it a bit longer", but I don't think can end happily.

Either Jolene spends the rest of her days in the pub sloping around like a Zombie, or Fallon has to lose the pub.

Compromises aren't going to work.



Chances are 1 in 800

Oh come on Helen!

Amongst much, much more - your brother was killed by a tractor, your boyfriend killed himself, you were anorexic, your dead boyfriend's daughter got pregnant by your then boyfriend (who wasn't really your boyfriend - and you don't know he was the father ... yet) AND you're unlucky enough to be Tom's Sausages sister.

If I could place a bet on something against the odds happening to you, I most certainly would.

Helen's having a triple test, which "indicates certain conditions". Seemingly, it's more of a probability test than anything definite, but Kirsty was immediately worried what it could show.

So, rather than Helen miscarrying (maybe that could be Emma?), she might have a baby with a "condition".

Not that Helen thinks it would make any difference.

Good.

But I'm not so sure Helen will really cope with anything other than perfection.

Well, at least she'll have a birth plan. She likes those.


The position Helen prefers?

I agree with Kirsty.

Steady on!


Don't let Jolene do the VAT!

What crazy fool let that happen.

It'll put Jolene and Lilian in prison.

The Archers 30th August 2010: The Bull's job interviews

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The Archers: Linda and Robert cook breakfast ... interviews for The Bull's new barperson

• Nigel and Elizabeth's amorous behaviour
• Robert and Lynda about to turn 'adults only'?!?
• "you don't know someone until you share a bathroom"
• Are they actually drugging Jolene?
• Well hello Sally Citz!
• ... why Lilian is the creme de la creme
• Ah, that was a real shame on Fallon
• "Balloons are vulgar"

Nigel and Elizabeth's amorous behaviour

Aha!

So Elizabeth doesn't want the wins to go to boarding school for her sake (so I say!), and Nigel gave way because it gave him a rare chance to get some loving.

That makes perfect sense after all.

And seemingly 'PDA' means 'Public Displays of Affection'. So says Coriander.


Robert and Lynda about to turn 'adults only'?!?

It felt quite odd to hear Lynda actually appreciating the Grundys (Camp Grundy has meant Lynda and Robert just have the parents, while their teenagers camp).

But their wistful joy over the calm of just hosting adults could go hideously wrong if they decide to ban children.

One would require very careful wording indeed.


"you don't know someone until you share a bathroom"

But I speak too soon!

It seems that having calm means nothing when your paying guests are a tad untidy in the bathroom.

That was a short lived one then.


Are they actually drugging Jolene?

Now I'm not expecting Jolene to be all cheery and light, but she is wandering around in such a stupor that on can't help think she's got more in her tea bags than tea.

Maybe Matt is trying to push her over the edge (maybe so that he can have The Bull all to himself and Lilian. How long before he'd bar Brian?!?).

I also don't know how Fallon copes without slapping her. All that "whatever you think love" and "Oh?", "Erm ..." and "what?" would drive anyone to distraction.

"I can't see a future at the bull for me anymore"

Maybe that's what someone else really want?


Well hello Sally Citz!

So, Sally was being interviewed for The Bull's barperson position, and she:

- changed her name to Sally Citizen after the may day protest in 2000
- called The Bull a "quality pub" (in the sense of it being rather groovy, than of superior standard)
- worked at 'Frantic Annie's', 'HOM' (short for House of Metal) and Godzilla's
- and spends most of her time working for her mates catering firm at festivals

Robert thought:

"she was very friendly"

Kathy:

"not the type of person you'd expect behind the bar of The Bull"

Despite having bags of bar experience, and being able to stand in for Freida (oh surely not!), Lilian wasn't going to stand for such a creature getting her unwashed feet behind the bar.

So the job goes to a bloke called Rhys. Who is Welsh, isn't pierced and has "normal" hair.

He's starting next Monday.

Or will he ...?

... why Lilian is the creme de la creme

"just to recap - you've spent the last 5 years doing the festivals ... yeah, well, it obviously suits you!"

"darling, do you even need to ask? can you imagine Derek Fletcher coming up to the bar in his slacks and golfing jumper to be faced with that - he'd have four fits!"

"[she'd cook] lentil and cannabis cobbler - you surely don't think she's a serious contender"

"she'd be off next May with Loopy and Pablo, up to her knees in mud, dishing out raffa casserole"

"she's not for us"

Ah, that was a real shame on Fallon

It's easy to forget that Fallon is only a bit of an alternative chick when compared to the rest of the Ambridge residents.

I felt really sorry for her when she chipped in that Bestival was "great", but then had to clarify that she'd never actually been.

Though she had been to Glastonbury. In her mates catering van ... which doesn't sound too dissimilar to Sally after all!


"Balloons are vulgar"

Then they're not.

The golfing community should know better than to wind Kathy up!

Still, nice wee touch from Robert:

"order, counter-order, disorder"

The Archers 29th August 2010: Boarding School?

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The Archers: Elizabeth can't sleep ... Nigel makes decisions ... Bert's the man!

• To board, or not to board
• So Freddie isn't "sporting"
• A classic Eddie quip
• Seriously, when is Hugh going to turn up in Ambridge?
• Everyone knows Edgar is a flower man
• 4 poles make one chain which is the length of the cricket pitch
• What's the big deal about this Dairy event?
• "Better than Boston!"
• Oh good god! They're worried about Pip. Again!!!

To board, or not to board ...

Not one to let anything go easily, Elizabeth can't sleep for worrying about whether to send Lily and Freddie to boarding school.

While I'm on that - did we ever get to the bottom of why Elizabeth couldn't sleep before (when she ended up doing guerrilla gardening with Lynda in the wee small hours of the morning).

Nigel was still in his 'but that's what Pargetters do' mode, trying to find a compromise through sending the twins to a closer school as part boarders.

As Elizabeth pointed out, Nigel's hardly toed the family line on other occasions. Even when Elizabeth was talking about the twins missing their home and parents if they were at boarding school, all Nigel could summon from his experiences was:

"I missed nanny"

Between Elizabeth's pleas of:

"all i want is for them to be happy"

"[hate the idea of] spending a fortune to send our babies away"

You'd be forgiven for thinking there was a slight hint that this was all more about Elizabeth's needs than her kids.

Unfair?

When Nigel gave in to Elizabeth, he was heard to utter:

"if you'll be unhappy, that's all i need [to not send them to Boarding school]"

Hmmm.


So Freddie isn't "sporting"

Well that just isn't cricket, is it chaps!


A classic Eddie quip

"you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it bark"

Seriously, when's Hugh going to turn up in Ambridge?

So Nigel has decreed that allotments shall be in Lower Loxley's grounds.

Feeling a tad shy about owning so much land, when so many families have teeny gardens, Nigel still seems to be coming across as a Laird who has finally realised that 'his people' are starving while he eats kobe beef.

Commoners with a right to use Lower Loxley ground? Julia Pargetter-Carmichael would never have accepted such an affair.


Everyone knows Edgar is a flower man

Can't believe Nigel was so blissfully unaware ...

He was being a bit dim in not asking Bert in the first place, but Bert soon corrected Nigel's belief in Edgar Titcombe:

"Edgar Titcombe is a flower man knows his petunias but not so hot on his onions"

So all's well. Bert is Nigel's allotment adviser.

Jolly good.


4 poles make one chain which is the length of the cricket pitch

And who said The Archers wasn't educational.

It's just a few decades behind.


What's the big deal about this Dairy event?

Eddie seems to be obsessively keen about getting to it (for free, with Ed and driven by David).

Is it really just about having a few pints?


"Better than Boston!"

Which means 'better than good' in the Black Country.

Seemingly.

So one burger van called 'Boston Burger' is angry that the other burger van 'Better Burger' is handing out leaflets at Lower Loxley's steam event with "Better than Boston" on them.

This is revenge for when 'Jolly Dolly Donut' (owned by the same chap of 'Boston Burger') complained at Lower Loxley's vintage car rally about the fumes from 'Better Burgers' choking their customers.

Whatever the truth (which we must be told!), both burger vans have a slight barny, which Elizabeth sorts out.

Maybe just have one burger van next time?

(oh the heady trials and tribulations of Ambridge!)


Oh good god! They're worried about Pip. Yet again.

Maybe this was just me, but is sounded like Pip was about to go back to Primary School, rather than College.

David and Ruth are worried about Pip being worried about her College friends taking the mick out of her:

"your boyfriend hated you so much he ran away to another continent"

Well, it's perfectly not true (as Jude ran away because he was utterly devoid of any emotion for Pip, whether that be love or hate).

And surely College students are above playground taunts?

Just please. Don't give Pip another reason to start whining again. It's been so serene since she stopped.

The Archers 27th August 2010: The Carter and Aldridge supper

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The Archers: The Carter and Aldridge supper ... allotments and boarding school

• The Aldridges prepare ...
• The Carter's prepare ...
• "The Aldridges not Albert Pierrepoint"
• The supper begins ...
• "the natives are restless"
• Lilian and her gin
• Elizabeth says 'yes' ...
• ... and then 'no'

The Aldridges prepare ...

Popping on a "dull grey tie" for the occasion, Brian sounds in a jovial mood ahead of their supper with Susan and Neil.

Jennifer just sounds suicidal.

"we'll race through the pudding and refuse coffee home, then be home in time for the evening news"

The Carter's prepare

"The starter looks ... very ... interesting"

Oh dear. That's not a convincing noises coming from Neil.

Neil also gets the music wrong (though I would have personally preferred The Phantom of the Opera over the Three Tenors)

And Susan has had to resort to Bert Fry's "cast off veg" in making a vegetarian lasagne rather than the Lamb Tagine she'd planned.

Safer ground, but not quite the hint of sophistication she'd been looking to create.


"Aldridges not Albert Pierrepoint"

What?

I must have heard that wrong.

If not, what a very odd thing for Neil to say.

A hangman? for dinner? Which would be worse than having the Aldridges?

Eh???


The supper begins ...

Brian compliments the veg lasagne:

"I appreciate a well cooked meal made with fresh ingredients"

Neil likes the wine, but makes the mistake of thinking Brian got it from the Village shop (as if! Of course Brian has a bloomin' wine merchant on hand!)

Neil and Brian have a discussion about the Cap Reforms while Jennifer insists on Helping Susan with the dishes (if at all interested - Neil thinks it's only big farmers like Brian that benefit)

And when's all done, Jennifer asks Susan for the "anchovy starter".


The post-Supper Analysis

Neil:

"Phew!"

Susan:

"You were fantastic, Neil Cater" (for standing his ground with Brian over the farming discussion)

and

"tonight went really well"

Jennifer:

"that was absolutely ghastly"

"what was that fish pepper starter thing?"

"we won't have to sit through for a very long time to come"

So - no change there then. Susan thinks they're all the best of chums, Jennifer can't abide this whole situation, Neil just doesn't want the stress.

More of this to come then. I only hope that next time, such a supper is worthy of such a massive build up. A few quite amusing moments, but not the hilarity we'd all expected ...


"the natives are restless"

So says Brian, due to rumours about The Bull closing.

Rather than seeing Lilian as its savour, he reckons Jennifer will have no ready funds to buy out Jolene (due to Amside Property).

Closure shall surely not come to pass ...?

Either we'll see another shareholder of The Bull, or it could go the way of the majority of village pubs these days.

Turned into flats.

By Matt???


Lilian and her gin

And on Lilian, Brian reckons she's no longer susceptible to spilling all of the inside information on Matt after a few gin and tonics.

Nope - she hasn't stopped drinking.

Lilian has just got a real vested interested in Matt's dealings. If he fails this time, he'll drag her down with him.


Elizabeth says 'yes' ...

to allotments at Lower Loxley.

Nigel wasn't letting his allotment idea go, so Elizabeth has consented.

Seemingly Nigel feels "privileged" for having his land, and feels this would be a good way to help the community.

(not a hint of the Laird providing scraps of land to stop his peasants being completely wiped out from starvation. No, not at all ...)

All very nice. And they really should call Hugh to get signed onto his Landshare scheme.


... and then 'no'

to the twins being sent to boarding school.

All Nigel could initially muster was "gosh", but managed to pull himself together to drag out all the usual arguments of "tradition", "opportunity", "advantages".

Elizabeth seemingly heard Lily saying that while she wasn't bothered about going to boarding school, Freddie is already dreading it (with a whole 12 months to go).

"doesn't feel right anymore"

"i can't bear for them to live so far away"

"we will lose touch with them"

Nigel's comeback of

"surely you don't want to deny them"

Felt like it was being said to a mum who has already made up her mind. "Tradition" won;t stand a chance.

The Archers 26th August 2010: Lamb Tagine and Artichokes

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The Archers: Lynda and Elizabeth plating … Litter, Litter everywhere … Lamb Tagine

• Lynda and Elizabeth come out
• What’s all this litter?
• Bank Holiday weekend fun
• Lamb Tagine
• Eddie’s “professional development”
• Lily chooses her career path
• Hurrah! Ed get’s his artichokes!

Lynda and Elizabeth come out

Unlike their last planting foray together, this time Lynda and Elizabeth are plating during the day, out in public.

(seemingly, is the land is a bit dry – dig deeper and sprinkle it with water)


What’s all this litter?

A kebab? The horror!

First there’s litter in the playground, then another of David and Ruth’s cows get cut by a broken bottle.

Who’s the litter lout?


Bank Holiday weekend fun

Joe and Bartleby are out and about with signed advertising their campsite, while Lower Loxley has a steam rally.

Lashings of ginger beer it shall be!


Lamb Tagine

I think that’s what Susan said she’d decided to cook for Brian and Jennifer, but she did seem to pronounce it differently every time.

Whatever it is, even Lynda thinks it’s quite ambitious. Which doesn’t at all bode well.

Saving no expense, Susan’s determined to go ahead with cooking a recipe she hasn’t tried before.

Though her trial run didn’t go at all well.

“ is it supposed to taste like this?”

says Neil

“Oh it’s …. You can’t serve that … it’s the spices …can’t put my finger on it… just tastes all wrong”

says Emma.

Whatever Susan’s managed to do to the recipe (which she claims she followed step for step), she’s now in a panic that it’s wrong, but she doesn’t have time to try it again before the big night.

She should’ve stuck to Steak and Kidney pudding.


Eddie’s “professional development”

As much as “Eddie ‘Subtly is my middle name’ Grundy” often has cunning plans which cost him more than he earns, you got to hand it to him that he knows his way around David Archer.

Managing to persuade David that he needs to go to the diary event for he “professional development”, he also gets David to buy Ed’s ticket as well.

Every penny saved …


Lily chooses her career path

Whereas Freddie doesn’t like boarding school, Lily seems to be quite a robust young girl who takes everything in her stride.

She’s decided she wants to be a vet who writes in her spare time. Which will leave Freddie with Lower Loxley.

Let’s hope he’s grows into the gorilla costume well in time.


Hurrah! Ed get’s his artichokes!

I did say to try Underwoods, but Ed’s finally got his artichokes.

Apologetic because the hollandaise sauce was out of a packet, Ed surprises Emma with this most prized of vegetables.

Very sweet that Emma also didn’t know how to eat them

(“not in a quiche like last time”)

Ed’s already in the know after asking Alice and Jennifer.

And after all that effort, Emma really likes them.

“let me eat my artichokes in peace!”

she demanded of Susan.

If this was a pregnancy craving, let’s hope she finds something a bit more easy for Ed to find and deal with. The poor man will be run ragged.

The Archers 25th August 2010: The Girls' Night Out

The Archers: Tony gets his mower conditioner … Ed’s still on about Artichokes … The Girls’ night out … Jamie offers to do the shopping

• “Great conditioner to cut ratios”
• Why has no-one asked Ed about his artichoke obsession?
• Natural or high tech birth?
• Is this a permanent ceasefire between Kathy and Jamie?
• Surely The Bull isn’t shutting!
• Steady on there ‘Girls’!
• And in case you’d forgotten …

“Great conditioner to cut ratios”

Phew! I was worried there that the ratio would have been rubbish (!).

Tony has got his mower conditioner, Ed’s excited about it, but seemingly Tom just glanced at it and grunted about it being unnecessary.

Poor Tony.


Why has no-one asked Ed about his artichoke obsession?

As Ed’s now asked everyone and anyone abut artichokes, why has no-one thought to ask what this sudden obsession is all about?

It’s now quite ‘Ed’ now, is it?

Also trying Tony, Ed seems to be having no luck in the shops. It seems artichokes won’t be round again until March-May.

Helen suggest that Kirsty might have a supplier. Seemingly Jaxx has a

“more esoteric menu these days”

Natural or high tech birth?

Helen’s quite taken with the idea of having a natural birth (at the birthing centre Amy’s working at), whereas Tony seems to think she needs state of the art equipment.

Tony obviously wants his daughter to be safe, but there’s the undercurrent of Tony not letting go of how Helen got pregnant in the first place:

“the child wasn’t conceived natural – a high tech birth seems more appropriate”

How long will he keep this up for? He surely has to accept that despite how she got pregnant, Helen is going to have a baby - and that everything after the conception is as ‘natural and ‘normal’ as any other pregnancy?


Is this a permanent ceasefire between Kathy and Jamie?

It does all sound very civilised.

Jamie offered to do the shopping, is doing well at his job and actually mowed the lawn when only asked once.

Kathy also seems to be a lot calmer, which must make even having a conversation with her less fraught.

Talking to Pat later on, Kathy thinks it was the shock of how upset she was last week that has jolted Jamie back into being a nice chap.

Or, maybe he’s working through his grief.

Either way, I’m very grateful there’s no shouting.

That just leaves Kenton and Kathy to sort themselves out, or split up (the latter I think is most likely).

Kenton’s agreed to go to Kathy’s golf club dinner dance. Which Kathy is delighted about.

But hold on a minute … Kenton’s seemingly been moaning to Kirsty about how the dance will be full or bores. So he doesn’t seem happy to be going.

Does this mean Kenton is finally putting Kathy’s needs before all of his own – or is he doing it out of duty, to stop Kathy moaning? If so, I would have thought shouting shall resume quick hence …


Surely The Bull isn’t shutting!

That’d be ridiculous.

Even if Jolene does want to sell her shares, surely they’d keep it going while everything gets sorted out?

Or will we see Ambridge residents having to go to Borchester for their pints?

Village riot ahoy!



Steady on there ‘Girls’!

Helen can’t stop yawning, Brenda’s picking up bathroom catalogues for Lillian, Fallon can only talk about The Bull.

Party time indeed!

It might have been better to avoid The Bull altogether to give Fallon a proper break (and started out in Borchester), but Kirsty doesn’t seem to be having much fun with her friends these days.

Where else could she find a distraction … ?


And in case you’d forgotten …

Will doesn’t like Ed.

Not even able to give more than a monosyllabic answer to Ed when they cross paths in the pub, Will is hardly going to be pleased when he hears about Emma’s pregnancy.

I’d lock him up now. Will is quite simply a violent nutter.

The Archers 24th August 2010: Allotments at Lower Loxley

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The Archers: the kids are getting kitted out for school … Helen’s organising a cookery demo … Susan’s trying to find a recipe … Nigel has a cunning plan

• Is boarding school less expensive than patent shoes?
• A female Jamie Olive in Ambridge!
• Antique furniture should not house vegetables
• Steak and kidney is alright for Clarrie and Eddie
• Allotments at Lower Loxley?
• Ed’s still on the artichoke hunt
• Is Helen fine?

Is boarding school less expensive than patent shoes?

I was a bit confused about Elizabeth saying that she couldn’t buy patent shoes for her kids (as she didn’t have money to burn), but that her and Nigel had put both Lilly and Freddie down for private school the moment they were born.

Maybe the cost of patent shoes have gone up since I was a kid (and had to stand in that strange foot measuring machine at Clarks).

And, maybe Nigel and Elizabeth have just decided that the kids away at boarding school is a good way to have them, but not have them in the house.

Kind of like having a dog but keeping it in an outside kennel …


A female Jamie Olive in Ambridge!

Who’d have thought it!

Helen’s very excited about this Shelly Brazil. Seemingly she’s a local chef with her own book, and is doing a demo to boost takings at Ambridge Organics.

To make sure they have an audience, Helen is calling everyone she (and Kirsty) knows.


Antique furniture should not house vegetables

Especially when the said vegetables are wrapped in yesterday’s newspaper.

Was Nigel having a go at Bert about the entire vegetable situation, or was he merely offended that Bert hadn’t made the effort to at least get the most recent newspaper?

God help us if it’d been The Sun.


Steak and kidney is alright for Clarrie and Eddie

But not for Brian and Jennifer.

According to Susan.

So it’s farce ahoy! Despite Pat’s advice to stick to a recipe she knows, Susan’s determined to try something new and exotic.

Oh dear.


Allotments at Lower Loxley?

Nigel is quite good at ignoring Elizabeth’s complete lack of enthusiasm for any of his ideas.

So shall we see hordes of keen amateur gardeners descending on Lower Loxley to grow their veg?

It’s a good idea. Maybe Nigel should speak to Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall about his landshare scheme.


Ed’s still on the artichoke hunt

Now he’s been trying Bert.

Is it just me, or shouldn’t Underwood’s have them?


Is Helen fine?

As I said yesterday, it’s all a bit suspicious that Emma’s pregnant at the same time as Helen.

It could mean one of them is in for a heartbreaker.

Pat thinks Helen looks tired, but Helen’s determined to be the epitome of healthy motherhood.

As much as I hope both Emma and Helen are okay, I really (muchly) hope that Helen doesn’t get yet another disappointment.

It’s be too much for any of us to cope with.