Monday, 14 June 2010

14th June 2010

That’s where the fire engine went … Matt’s nice to Brenda … Camp Grundy has a new plan … welcome to ‘Bruce the relief manager’ …Sid - not out of sight, out of mind

  • How clean was their cage?
  • I think I’d have preferred the Grundy’s Open Farm Sunday
  • Do we think Clarrie was embarrassed or murderous?
  • Has Brenda been taking ‘street talk’ lessons off of Jude?
  • Camp Grundy Plan B
  • Kenton’s only the boyfriend
  • The best shin dig The Bull’s ever seen


How clean was their cage?


Wasn’t that lovely hearing Eddie go all soft over his and Joe’s ferrets, Kim and Aggie.

They sound like happy, clean ferrets indeed.

“Give daddy a cuddle”

Aw – cute Eddie!


I think I’d have preferred the Grundy’s Open Farm Sunday

Arguments with punters – kids falling into compost - handbrake left off tractor – which then rolled into Clarrie's cake table - punters having to dive out the way – Barbarella (the sow) got spooked – took off and knocked over their only camper’s camping stove – who was luckily away for a piddle – tent goes on fire – Barbarella nearly becomes “smoky baking” – fire engine on the scene – and Clarrie “yet to see the funny side”

Or – a “squeaky clean” “wholesome family event” at the Archers?



Do we think Clarrie was embarrassed or murderous?

She warned them. She baked for them. Then they ran over her baking with a tractor.

I reckon Clarrie will definitely have murder in mind.


Has Brenda been taking ‘street talk’ lessons off of Jude?

“Must be a bummer”
“Whatever. I’ve moved on”

Hmmm. You must really ‘wow’ the clients with that grasped of the English language, PR guru lady!


Is Matt really being nice?

So, has Matt really changed, and is an all-round nice chap with a conscience?

As I heard him apologising to Brenda – I thought maybe.
But, then she made much lightness of Brenda’s belief that she’s more than a lackey

(“they really valued my input” *snort*)

And his interest in her was a bit suspicious.

What does Matt have in mind?


Camp Grundy Plan B


So Camp Grundy has gone from a rural retreat, to a biker’s meet

(see what I did there)

So Fat Paul’s biker mates are heading to Ambridge.
“It’s been put it onto the computer and everything”

Oh I hope Lynda gets her voice back soon. She’s not going to be a happy bunny …


Kenton’s only the boyfriend

So that’s why he didn’t drive them to the airport.

Huh?


The best shin dig The Bull’s ever seen


From an initial Thursday night minute silence … to making some noise!

Sounds grand.

I just wonder who might reappear to toast Sid …


13th June 2010

Open Farm Sunday … Kathy sorts it out … Elizabeth still won’t leave it be

  • “This little tube. It don’t look much. But down it goes when lambs won’t suck.”
  • Oo-er – what’s gone on at the Grundy’s?
  • Kenton has a lot to learn from Kathy
  • And your point being what, Elizabeth?



“This little tube. It don’t look much. But down it goes when lambs won’t suck.”

Ah – the dulcet tones and rhymes of Bert. Bound to leave you better informed (though can offend some!).


Oo-er – what’s gone on at the Grundy’s?

It doesn’t sound good, whatever’s happened.

It would seem that the fire engine was on its way over (or was that a red herring?), but certainly the reports were that the Grundy’s Open Farm Sunday were in a bit of a “muddle”.

Still, David and Ruth’s clan seemed to fair well, with Pip returning to old form. For one day only?


Kenton has a lot to learn from Kathy


Kathy not only sorts out Fallon being able to fly to New Zealand, but also makes sure that the pub is covered.

See Kenton – that’s how you can support and think about other people.

Kathy’s in mourning, and also has to support poor Jamie, but still finds time to consider Fallon.

Funny that Kathy can do all of that, while you only seem to give a hoot about Jaxx.


And your point being what, Elizabeth?

Not content with trying to sort out the rift between Pip and her folks, Elizabeth seems to now be getting involved in Pip and Jude’s travel plans.

Why, oh why, oh why?

Is Nigel not doing his job as a husband properly (by getting the gorilla suit out on a regular basis)?

11th June 2010

… Sid’s funeral to take place in New Zealand … Jaxx is quite ‘abstract’ … Kenton still doesn’t get it

  • What about Jamie?
  • I’m a sophisticated professional and I feel at home here
  • “Sid wasn’t my family”


What about Jamie?


Maybe it’s Lucy’s influence, but does Jolene really think that having Sid’s funeral in New Zealand is right?

What about Jamie? Kathy? Fallon? Everyone else?!?

They can still have a memorial when Jolene returns for Sid’s ashes, but that’s probably not enough for most folks.

Still, it’s easy to make judgements on the actions of someone who’s just lost their partner.


I’m a sophisticated professional and I feel at home here

Hmmm. Or is Jaxx just “abstract”?

I’m just not convinced that the Kenton/Jim combo will have resulted in anything classy or akin to (what seems to be their plan) of a London City-boy trend spot.

Time will tell.


“Sid wasn’t my family”


I can accept that Kenton finds it hard to cope with emotions at the best of times. I can also accept that he’s still in mourning for his dad. I can even accept that some folks just can’t handle death or being able to provide support to others who have been bereaved.

But.

Seriously.

Kenton’s being utterly rubbish!

I can see why he’s stressed about the timing, and feels he needs to be at Jaxx, but he surely can think before he speaks.

Kathy’s absolutely right in saying that the bar is more important to him. Can’t he see that Kathy and Jamie are having a horrific time, and badly need his support?

Or, does Kenton really just not care?

Friday, 11 June 2010

10th June 2010

  • When is a farm open day not a visit to Steptoe and son?
  • Seriously – watch out for Patrick!
  • Right not to tell Jack about Sid?
  • While Brenda’s away … Tom goes to his mum for his dinner


When is a farm open day not a visit to Steptoe and son?


When Clarrie gets involved.

Sounds like she’s managing her menfolk well enough, but how long before she ends up having to ‘clear up’ after them?

Will she have to pry Vicky and Joe apart when Vicky realises that her cut is only a percentage of the takings that Joe admits to (the main bulk of it being hidden under a cider barrel)?

Will their campers revolt after finding themselves stuck in the middle of an open day when they expected a quiet retreat?

Will Joe finally get caught by the Police selling alcohol without a licence?

Waiting with each anticipation …


Seriously – watch out for Patrick!

He keeps being mentioned, and is a regular visit to Bridge Farm.

Patrick’s now become my ‘next man for Helen’ about Greg from Wales, the Veg Man’s son and Harry.


Right not to tell Jack about Sid?

I think that Peggy and Lilian were right not to mention Sid’s death to Jack.

After all – what would it achieve? Does Jack even remember Sid?


While Brenda’s away … Tom goes to his mum for his dinner


Steady there Tom. You don’t want to have to readjust back to a normal, hum-drum life when Brenda returns to normal life.

Mind you, that should be ‘if’ Brenda returns …

Thursday, 10 June 2010

9th June 2010

  • Arse. Jude’s back
  • Matt’s foot in the pub?
  • Kenton. Stop it. Stop it now.
  • Map Sticks
  • Jazzer didn’t get them from the garage!
  • And on Sid …


Arse. Jude’s back

I really didn’t realise what a relief it was to have days sans Jude until he turned up again.
“All a bit biz at the moment”

You utter cretin.

While trying to get Pip to have ‘one more’ before the bar shuts, Jude was waxing lyrical about Ibiza.

Ibiza? Isn’t that, like, soooo late decade?

Still. That makes sense, considering Jude’s a man trying to be a teenage boy.

Pip. Please dump him. I don’t know how much more we can take …


Matt’s foot in the pub?

The more cynical listeners-in to Ambridge might see Matt’s attempts to help out at The Bull are just his way of worming into the setup now that Sid has departed us.

True? Or is this indeed the new caring, sharing Matt Crawford?


Kenton. Stop it. Stop it now.

Okay – so I can accept Kenton is handling Sid’s death in his own way. That means he must be coming across as insensitive because he really isn’t good at handling a personal crisis.

But, that really doesn’t excuse his eagerness to get Jamie out of the house and back to school, the day after his dad has died. Poor wee lamb ended up crying in the middle of a lesson.

And what about Kenton escaping to the pub to moan about Kathy’s ‘wallowing’?

Kenton reckons that Kathy shouldn’t be that upset, as it’s been many years since she spilt up with Sid.

Eh?

What about all the time they did spend together? That they had a son together? That Sid was still a part of Kathy’s life? It’s not as if they split up and moved continents apart.

But, then there have also been signs that Kenton does ‘get it’. While he was in the middle of berating Kathy for ‘influencing’ Jamie to be grief-stricken (hmmm. I think Jamie can find his own feelings about this without Kathy’s help) – he did tell Kathy to give Jamie a big hug and tell him he was thinking of him.

Maybe that’s the problem? Kenton can only hug metaphorically?

Either way – get a grip Kenton and be a husband and a step-dad. You running away will only mean your family will end up running away from you.


Map Sticks

Pip’s getting back into the swing of being part of the family, and shall be at Open Farm Sunday.

Though she did explain it – I don’t entirely get the concept of Map Sticks …


Jazzer didn’t get them from the garage!

Good on you matey. Nice flowers, nice gesture, and (seemingly) meant without any romantic undertones.

Has Jazzer seen the light and realised he’d be better off being Fallon’s mate?

Or, more surprisingly, has he realised when it is and isn’t appropriate to put the squeeze on a lady?


And on Sid …

Here’s a reason ‘why’ from Tim Bentinck on Twitter (@timbentinck):

“In answer to kind questions about Alan Deveraux, he's decided to retire after over 30 years of being probably the best actor in the show.”

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

8th June 2010

Sid Perks...


... is dead

All the discussions that have been going on about Sid only making it back from New Zealand in a box seem a bit ghoulish now.

I really didn’t expect that to happen so quickly.

I can’t say that Sid was ever one of my favourite Ambridge residents, but he was certainly one of the more ‘interesting’ folks at times. He silence over recent months was highly suggestive of what has now happened.

I really feel for Jolene being out in new Zealand, and having to deal with the practical side of the post mortem and getting Sid’s body back home, all without Fallon and her friends.

Still, it was nice to see Caroline back behind the bar, and at least Fallon had everyone to help.

But what was Kenton up to? As he said to Jamie, he knows exactly how he feels. So why was he being so flippant about having a ‘kick around’, how this was a chance for them all to spend time together, that they could have Chinese … does he not realise that Jamie’s a young lad who is far from ready to cope with losing a parent?

And what on earth was he blundering on about when he said:

“What lovely weather … ironic isn’t it?”

Was that irony in an Alanis Morissette way?

Kathy should have let him get back to Jaxx. I thought he was doing more harm than good.

Now then - what about the Bull? Will Mat turn it into flats?

Will Harry choose mum over daughter?

What where on earth was Jazzer?!? Missed your moment, matey ...

NB: lots of rumours about whether Sid Perks' death has anything to do with Alan Devereux being ill, fallen out with the BBC etc etc. Nothing official that I can see, but if Alan is poorly, I hope a speedy recovery.

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

7th June 2010

  • When is a Tricycle a Till?
  • Not good for reputation being seen with criminals … not ones that have been caught
  • Spam – adverts for things you probably don’t want

When is a Tricycle a Till?

Seemingly when Susan Carter finds fault with Sabrina Thwaite being in charge with the village shop.

Having mucked up the till, Sabrina seemingly abandoned her post to flounce to her next seaweed wrap.

Leaving Jim to explain the problems to a very angry Susan (she has a course to go to, don’t you know!) and then a fairly nonplussed Peggy.

Accussing Sabrina of “fluttering her eyelashes” to get Jim to sort the problems out, Susan reckoned that this was all destined to happen.

Still, it is a whole new way for Sabrina to create excitement. As Kenton put it, it’s normally her jogging which makes that happen …

And what was Jim’s point about the ‘”principle of the nonsecretor”?!?


Not good for reputation being seen with criminals … not ones that have been caught

Ah Brian – you’ll eat Matt’s food, drink his wine, but you’ll also happily rubbish him when he’s not in earshot.

But what can we expect when you and your colleague escape Susan’s ‘interesting’ chat about her course by telling her your off to see a Marquis? Snobs ahoy!

“Out of jail 5 minutes and already getting in our way”

That’s just the start of it, Mr Aldridge


Spam – adverts for things you probably don’t want

Bless Jill for not being able to switch on her computer.

But why did she have to keep it secret from Kenton?

Monday, 7 June 2010

6th June 2010

  • Has Matt changed, or will “they” goad him into old habits?
  • Josh or Pip?


Has Matt changed, or will “they” goad him into old habits?

I think Matt has changed a bit, or is at least trying to.

Giving up working on a Sunday to do something quality with Lilian –AND also re-checking that she does want to do what he’s suggested.

Shows that he’s at least thinking of Lilian.

But, his old temper and determination flares after a wee run-in with one of the club members (though why he was surprised at their reaction, goodness knows).

And that slaps him back on the tracks of trying to prove that he’s as good as – if not better – than the rest of ‘them’.

Does Matt really want to make a go of a fresh start with Lilian? Or, is he just using her money? Despite all best intentions, can we foresee a few shady deals taking place when Lilian has popped out to the shops …?

Josh or Pip?

I said this before – but it sounds like Pip might not be the heir apparent to Brookfield after all (also see 18th April 2010)

Josh is shaping up to be a proper asset to the farm – and he’s also actually interested.

Fast forward to when David and Ruth are ready to retire. Will it be Josh or Pip?

4th June 2010

  • At last, someone is utterly delighted for Helen
  • Now Kenton & Co. are off to NZ

At last, someone is utterly delighted for Helen

I thought it was lovely to hear Kirsty being so happy about Helen’s pregnancy

Kirsty thinks that Helen will make an ideal mum:

“Calm, loving and patient”

And can’t wait to get on with choosing names.

As Kirsty said, Helen’s happier than she’s ever been, seeming “at home” with herself. Maybe this will indeed herald a more child, happy Helen?

However, interesting that they were talking about whether Helen has actually ever got over Greg (yes or no?).

And Patrick also seemed to be back in the picture (well, for Pat).

Is Patrick going to be her ideal man at the wrong time?


Now Kenton & Co. are off to NZ

Oh dear. More and more ominous for Sid ever making it back alive …

Friday, 4 June 2010

3rd June 2010

  • Ebenezer Archer
  • Do it Pip
  • I’d go to see one pig and a few ferrets!

Ebenezer Archer

Joe Grundy wouldn’t be Joe Grundy if he wasn’t outraged at being charged for something.

I can see David’s point (that he’d be subsidising their profits if he didn’t charge), but have the suspicion that it’s more about not having to deal with the Grundy’s at Open Farm Sunday, rather than the cash.


Do it Pip


What on earth is wrong with Elizabeth?

Why all this interest in Pip?

And why should Pip have to tell her folks about missing an exam? Isn’t she old enough to be coping with her own mistakes? I think Pip is right that it’ll just make them more angry (though if that results on a new assault on Jude, that’s fine by me).

I know Elizabeth has had a checkered past, but this is all a bit too odd. Leave them be Elizabeth. They’ll manage to implode without your assistance.

Bless David for welling up when he was telling Pip that they have a lot of faith in her, and know she won’t let her down. Though, of course, that made it impossible for Pip to tell them about the missed exam.

Still, David and Ruth shouldn’t be putting that kind of pressure onto Pip. I think they shouldn’t be as involved in her College work as they are. She’s not a school kid anymore

(and as an aside – hurrah to the lack of Jude!)


I’d go to see one pig and a few ferrets!


The Grundy’s Open Farm Sunday sounds marvellous.

Especially if they do also have their compost, digger display and their mystery tour of their field.

Though why they think Tom’s sausages are foxy, I don’t know (or did I just hear that wrong?).

And also spare a thought for those campers who are expecting ‘peace and quiet’ but will get ‘fun and frolics for free’ (if Joe doesn’t get his way in charging them extra).

The war over Open Farm Sunday has begun …

2nd June 2010

  • Also an Edwardian gem – but with less cars
  • Lynda’s being funny
  • Helen’s in a good mood
  • Pat was right

Also an Edwardian gem – but with less cars

Brian and Jennifer are also interested in the same property that Matt and Lilian went to see yesterday.

They must’ve also gone at a time when the roads were less busy (far more quiet).

So shall commence a fresh new argument between Matt and Brian – with Lilian and Jennifer bound to fall out again.

Will Brian be sneaky enough to try and scupper Matt and Lilian through trying to show that Matt is the real ‘head’ of their business?


Lynda’s being funny

But we don’t get to hear it.

She can’t really think that the Grundy’s Campsite is any threat to her business?

Or is it just the principle of the thing?


Helen’s in a good mood


Hurrah!

How long until the rest of Ambridge find out that she’s pregnant?

And what will the reaction be?


Pat was right

Admitting you were wrong, and Pat was right, must’ve really hurt, Brian.

Still. Good to see everyone is happy with the new Village Shop.

Now, what can Susan do wrong in her new job at Bridge Farm? Clarrie seemed to be a bit odd when showing her the ropes. Did she miss something crucial which will lead to Clarrie ruining the yoghurt?

The anticipation …

1st June 2010

  • “The Mother flaming Theresa Botham”
  • Being gay makes you tidy and a good cook
  • “You gave me quite enough help last night”
  • Ragged Trouser Philanthropist


“The Mother flaming Theresa Botham”

Hmmm. Nope. That one doesn’t work, Jazzer.

So the vicar fixed the Sticky Wicket for Harry. Not a likely one either Jazzer.

I am getting a tad irritated with Jazzer. You now know exactly what to expect when he opens his mouth. If it isn’t a rant about Harry, it isn’t Jazzer speaking.

How long can we expect this to go on for? Isn’t there a point when Harry just walks up to Jazzer and gives him a jolly good tap on the chin?

“Her imaginary love life is none of your business”

Quite right too Tom.

But is ‘Harry and Fallon’ always just going to be in Jazzer’s imagination?


Being gay makes you tidy and a good cook

So all’s well with Brenda sharing a flat with a bloke because he’s gay.

Did I miss Tom slipping back a few decades to pick up his archaic attitudes towards relationships?

Does he not realise that while Brenda’s flatmate isn’t a ‘threat’, there are other men in the city? And, that Brenda might actually leave the flat and go out of an evening?

I’ll forgive Tom nearly being a complete arse about being gay – but he really has to stop this nonsense over not trusting Brenda.

Or, is he just picking up on vibes that Brenda’s sending out? Remember the time she went on a girly razzle minus engagement ring???


“You gave me quite enough help last night”

*snort*

Course, it was just Harry helping Fallon out in the Bull.

So far.



The Ragged Trouser Philanthropists


Nice mention of The Ragged Trouser Philanthropists by Robert Tressell (especially timely as I’d just finished reading it the other week!).

And love that all Lilian got from it was the often below par quality of Edwardian building.

You simply could expect our Lilian to take the abject poverty on board.

Oh no. Where Jennifer saw socialism, Lilian saw bad workmanship. Marvellous.

Monday, 31 May 2010

31st May 2010

  • It’s a wicket that’s sticky
  • “She’s got her reputation to consider”

It’s a wicket that’s sticky

Oh the drama! The excitement! The Sticky Wicket!!!

Hotly anticipated (!), it’s finally time for the sticky wicket competition.

Actually, it was made a bit more of an event with Harry’s move into the Bull to make sure he could play – which, of course, has resulted in an even more surly and angry Jazzer.
“How English can you get? Sportsman like! Get out there and win!!!”

Said a rather over enthusiastic Jazzer to Tom. Desperate for Tom to beat Harry, Jazzer had backed the wrong mule this time.

So Harry romps it in front of a huge club of fans, and gathers a few new fans on the making.

“Harry is just what this village needs - did you see that boy play?”

Looks like Harry won’t be leaving Ambridge anytime soon. Sorry about that Jazzer.


“She’s got her reputation to consider”

And you’re clutching at straws, Mr McCreary.

30th May 2010

  • Now I’m really worried for Sid
  • Nachos!
  • David forgets he has three kids


Now I’m really worried for Sid

When I heard Jolene talking to Fallon, I thought to myself that they must have just got back from New Zealand.

Of course – they haven’t even been yet!

Jolene has been super silent for a while now, but Sid has turned into a silent character.

“It’s not as if I’m never going to see you again”

Yikes. Ominous and a tad concerning …


Nachos!


I was thinking that I’d be one of the Bull’s punters to complain about my Sunday Roast being replaced by Nachos – but then realised that I too probably would have been more than placated with a few margaritas.

And that’s why you can trust Lilian to rise to the occasion. Just give her a few bottles of booze, and she could calm a rioting mob.


David forgets he has three kids

Josh was complaining a while back that David and Ruth only had time for Pip – but what about Ben?

David knew that Josh was out, and had been trying to get Pip to spend some ‘quality’ time with home and Ruth. He only realised that Ben wasn’t even in the house when Ruth mentioned it.

It’s that sort of behaviour that will make Ben a tricky chap in the future (hurrah!).

28th May 2010

  • With such charming company, I won’t even notice I can’t escape
  • You don’t pass quit as close to a herd of cows as I do
  • Oh Helen – sorry …


With such charming company, I won’t even notice I can’t escap
e

Round two for Lilian/Matt Vs Brian/ Jennifer

All seemed to be a bit more civilised, with event Jennifer wondering whether prison has changed him.

I thought it was a bit ominous that Matt was a bit jumpy over Lilian’s mention of their business. Trying to pass it off as just something they chat about to ‘wile away the evenings’, is he being so secretive for reasons bigger than just that he can’t formally run a company?

Is Brian right that Matt is just using Lilian? Is Matt ‘just protecting his investment’?


You don’t pass quit as close to a herd of cows as I do


Oh dear. You know that something is mightily amiss with a relationship when you start having to leave each other notes.

It is indeed a bit ridiculous that Brenda and Tom run out of milk when (as they said) Tom’s dad is a dairy farmer, and Brenda’s a milkman. And there’s also no excuse for not having Tom’s Sausages, Helen’s cheese, veg from Bridge Farm etc etc etc

I know that it’s like being in a rural place, and not finding the time to do the shopping. But, that’s why god invented chest freezers...

Something’s got to give between Tom and Brenda.


Oh Helen – sorry …

Regardless of whether you agree or disagree with Helen’s decision to have a baby, it’s hard to not feel sorry for her when even her own brother can’t muster any joy or enthusiasm.

Still. He is Tom. What could we expect?

Friday, 28 May 2010

27th May 2010

  • Suet should look more exciting?
  • Ma puir wee lassies
  • You can always depend on Ian
  • “Do you think I cannae read either?!?”

Suet should look more exciting?

Bless wee Nic. She’s a brave one taking on a whole pudding for the first time.

Mind you, she’s a brave one taking on Mr Will Grundy. He’s been very quiet of late, but he’ll be back soon enough to punch Ed, or moan about the lack of space for his birds, or the way George is being brought up.

It’s good that Nic is getting out and about. Could this be the start of something else?


Ma puir wee lassies

If anyone is going to stand up to Tom’s Sausages when he gets in a shouty mood, it’ll be Jazzer.

Woe betide the person who spends more time worrying about machinery than worrying about Jazzer’s lassies!

I almost expected Jazzer to take them home for a cuddle after their “nasty experience”.

But I shouldn’t make fun. It’s always good to be reminded that most livestock handlers actually do give a hoot about their animals.


You can always depend on Ian

Regardless of what anyone thinks about Helen’s pregnancy, thank goodness that she has Ian for genuine support.

“That’s the best news ever”

And he meant it.

It was also nice to hear someone reacting to Helen’s news as they should when told that someone is pregnant. Refreshing stuff.

But, just when you thought it was all nice and normal – Helen comes out with:

“I’ll love it – look after it – and be in its life forever”

Oh dear.

Maybe this is what Helen was “meant to do” with her life, but it still feels quite eerie to hear an expectant mum put so much weight on her as-yet-to-be-born child’s shoulders.

We all know what happens when a parent is too demanding and needy with their kid. Just how many serial killers started off being emotionally smothered?


“Do you think I cannae read either?!?”


Oh Jazzer. You’re being a right sod.

Physically putting yourself on the sofa between Harry and Fallon (which is what I imagine will happen) isn’t going to stop anything happening, if that’s what they want.

And getting agro over Harry having “his hands” on the flat pack won’t do your any favours.

Though Fallon’s reasons for you not watching the DVD were a bit poor, can ye no take a hint?

Still. Classic Jazzer moment:

“Is that the way he spends his evenings? Wood work?”

*snort*

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

26th May 2010

  • Oh no. no. no no no no no no no NO!
  • But wait – this is Helen we’re talking about
  • It’s really happening
  • It was me who messed up
  • Yes David. That’s called paranoia.


Oh no. no. no no no no no no no NO!

I know there’s probably many of us delighted to hear that Helen is pregnant,

but I was shouting ‘no’ to every Helen ‘yes’.


But wait – this is Helen we’re talking about

As she said herself:

“I didn’t think I could be this lucky. I thought something would go wrong again”

Which is highly ominous.

Seriously. Has anything, ever, gone right when Helen’s been happy?

Or will this be a first?


It’s really happening

Very early days yet, but it would seem so.

I do feel sorry for poor Tony. He’s no choice but to be:

“Glad you're happy”

And bless him for trying to show he cares by making sure Helen went to work without crashing her car.

Or, was just a ploy to get her as far away from you as possible?
“I try to be a good dad – which is more than the baby will get”

Will Tony ever come to accept this?



It was me who messed up.


Is that the words of a young girl becoming a responsible woman – or just Pip trying to cover Jude’s arse again?

She’s right that it was her fault. She could have said no, despite all of Jude’s pathetic pleading.

Still, first love will make a fool out of you.


Yes David. That’s called paranoia.

Fair enough to get angry with Elizabeth for telling you what’s what with your daughter, but do you seriously think Jude could get Elizabeth to try and talk you round? Jude just doesn’t have the class, intelligence or stamina.

I absolutely agree with Elizabeth that you’re:

“Completely irrational on the subject”

Though why Elizabeth is taking this all so seriously is beyond me.

“Someone's got to be there for Pip”

Did I miss something, or is Pip just a teenage lass, having her first real relationship, while discovering that her parents aren’t all necessarily right?

So why all the fuss from Elizabeth? She’s acting like Pip is doing drugs.

25th May 2010

  • The pigs still love Jazzer
  • Amateur error, Pip
  • Is Tom the new Matt Crawford?
  • My daughter might be pregnant. Please talk to me about anything else.
  • Of course it’s all David’s fault!


The pigs still love Jazzer

Which I’m sure is of great comfort to him.


Amateur error, Pip

You need to be a bit obsessive about important ‘where and when’ happenings, and I’m sure we’ve all got the time of an exam/job interview/meeting etc wrong – but it’s hard to have sympathy for wee whiny Pip right now.

She’s lucky she’s got Elizabeth to help sort her out.


Is Tom the new Matt Crawford?

Did I hear that right? Was Tom passing off Vicky’s idea of veal and ham pie as his own?

Cheeky monkey!

I don’t think Tom quite has the brains to pull off s stunt that would be better suited to Matt (or even Brian).

And I can’t quite see Vicky taking this quietly ….


My daughter might be pregnant. Please talk to me about anything else.

So we’ll all find out this week if Helen is pregnant.

I have a spot of sympathy for Tony. But it’s not going to go away, my friend.

Will she, won’t she?!?


Of course it’s all David’s fault!


Poor David is now going to have Elizabeth on his back about his attitude to Jude.

Elizabeth is right that his approach has made Pip distant from him – but Pip not telling her folks about missing her exam isn’t quite down to David. That’d be Pi’s fault for not checking the time, and going out partying with her manboy.

“Leave it alone Lizzy”

It doesn’t look likely, Nigel. And if you don’t watch Elizabeth’s step, you might find that Jude and Pip end up under your roof, and quite squarely your problem.

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

24th May 2010

  • At least the Vicar approves
  • Sid and Jolene: new careers as silent characters?
  • I love Matt


At least the Vicar approves


That’s always the best way to win the village’s approval in these modern times – just get the local vicar to approve.

With Alan onside, and Shula happy about the new charity side to the Sticky Wicket, what’s Jazzer going to find to complain about now? I'm sure he'll find something. That Harry just isn't going to find any peace away from that jealous wee Scotsman.


Sid and Jolene: new careers as silent characters?

What’s happened to them?

Jolene was heard to mutter a few words to Fallon some weeks ago, but Sid hasn’t been heard of for many a day.

Maybe they’re too busy packing.


I love Matt


And there you have it. The reason why Paul hasn’t won Lilian, and why she’s sticky with her Tiger.

In saying that, Lilian really shouldn’t be trying to call Paul, and Jennifer was absolutely right in being appalled that Lilian is trying to make all three of them friends.

I think prison has changed Matt, making him realise how important Lilian is.

And he even wants to than Brian and Jennifer. Properly.

Who’d have ever thought we’d have seen the day!?!

But how long will he last like that? How long before the pound signs take him over?

Monday, 24 May 2010

23rd May 2010

  • Matt gets all angry
  • … but if you want to leave a message, that’s cool
  • Then Matt chooses to ignore it


Matt gets all angry

I know Matt doesn’t have a majority of fans out there, but I’ll admit I took a lot of pleasure hearing him get back to his old feisty self. Especially as it was directed at Paul (I just can’t seem to find anything to like about him).

Starting out with ‘stay away from Lilian’

Moving onto ‘I know that your plan is’

Then bringing in the insults:

“Are you deaf as well as stupid!?!”

Matt’s had the best stab yet at working out what Paul’s cunning plan could have been. It does make sense that he could have known that Matt was in prison (though the newspapers and his local contacts). The ‘family’ knew that Matt and Lilian had money. So what better time to head over and offer a comforting shoulder?

But is that true?

Paul didn’t seem to be ‘dripping poison’, but do we think that his last minute attempt to pry Lilian away from Matt was genuine? Or was that just another step in a much longer plan???

I think so. When Matt pushed Paul though saying:

“A more red blooded male might have tried to get her into bed”

and ascertaining that he wouldn’t have even had the chance,

Paul came back with

“You think I didn’t?”

Now that’s hardly the words of a man who genuinely loves Lilian. If he did, he wouldn’t be trying to cause problems for her, especially through mentioning the night at the hotel.

I think that’s an attempt to put his cunning plan into action – or am I being cynical? Does he just want Matt to dump Lilian so that he can be with her?

Maybe it’s not just Matt who takes after their mum. There’s more than one way to be a bully, and protect your own interests. I don’t think Paul is as white as he paints himself to be.


… but if you want to leave a message, that’s cool

Oh my giddy aunt – I don’t think I can find any new way to express what an utter wanker Jude is.

Pip has to get a grip soon – her ability to find excuses for Jude’s behaviour must be starting to ring false even to herself.

She’s also starting to sound like him mum. A grown man shouldn’t need to be told he could have borrowed a mobile to call her – and a grown man shouldn’t have left his behind because he was so giddily excited to be going away with his mates.

Silly lass is now going clubbing the night before an exam, just to keep a complete waste-of-space-manboy like Jude interested.

Oh the shame. The shame …


Then Matt chooses to ignore it
“It enough for me to see why it would be hard for him to say goodbye”

As expected, Matt’s worked out that there was more to Lilian and Paul than just family.

He’s right that Lilian was lonely and needed someone – though I don’t think she was only interested in Paul as a ‘lame dog’

And her fantasy certainly wasn’t about the three of them being a happy family. Though I suppose it could have involved the three of them in a different scenario …

So we believe Matt when he says that he realises how lucky he is, and would never put Lilian through something like that again?

More importantly, will his pride really let him put Lilian and Paul back into the past???

Or, will Paul make sure that he can’t forget?

21st May 2010

  • Text me good luck when you get this
  • You will have a business partner you can trust completely
  • Difference between couldn’t and wouldn’t


Text me good luck when you get this

Oh dear.

Pip really just doesn’t get it.

She’s making all Jude’s excuses for him, not realising that he’s just being a selfish arse (again!).

Still, I reckon most of us can see a wee bit of ourselves in Pip – continuing to see someone when they blatantly don’t give a hoot.

She’ll be able to see all of that when they finally split up.

Though judging by her kowtowing, I can see that happening anytime soon.


You will have a business partner you can trust completely

Although Matt was still trying to wriggle out of using Lilian’s name/money without her direct involvement, her stiletto is firmly down.

He has a point about working with your partner, and how it can overtake all of your personal life. But he simply isn’t going to get Lilian to agree to anything less than a full partnership.

And I can see if working. If he behaves himself.

However, it was a bit much for Lilian to go on about:
“You will have a business partner you can trust completely – won’t be looking over your shoulder for the knife”

when she’s not quite been taking his wishes into account lately.

Maybe Lilian genuinely thinks she hasn’t done anything wrong in seeing Paul.


Difference between couldn’t and wouldn’t


So Lilian does the ‘right’ thing again, and tells Matt about going to his mum’s funeral, and seeing Paul.

Well, not quote. It was a highly abridged edition.

Matt was quite rightly furious (after he had told her that he wanted nothing to do with his family), but Lilian just won’t let it lie.
“what part of don’t go don’t you understand”

Matt couldn’t go to the funeral, but also wouldn’t have gone if he could.

I think he’s partly right in seeing Lilian’s motivations as being all about ‘happy families’ – but we obviously know that Paul became the reason why and how.

She was pushing her luck in saying:

“People who share blood and genes, and care about you”

as if blood and genes ever automatically also switch on a caring attitude.

And managed to trip herself up when she mentioned that Paul was nice, kind and working in Websterbridge.

Matt’s not daft. Her insistence that he meets Paul even just once is bound to backfire, and is a bit of a perplexing mission considering what Paul could say to Matt.

Shouldn’t she just her time with Paul into her shoebox and move on?

Friday, 21 May 2010

20th May 2010

  • Susan sounds heartfelt
  • Tom manages to get some menus
  • Pip still doesn’t see it

Susan sounds heartfelt

Coy about her firsthand experience of prison, Susan also sounded heartfelt about her irritation at being cornered by Vicky.

You could say it was her own fault for insisting Vicky watched her doing a sale at the village shop – but has she met her match? Does Vicky outtalk Susan?


Tom manages to get some menus

Hurrah to Roy for giving Tom a hard time

“The days when women had supper on the table for their men went out with the ark – get your butt in gear and get organised”

Though ‘butt’ surely should have been arse? It sounded very odd coming from a country lad like Roy.

Mind you, Brenda sounded happy enough with her man’s ability to hunt and forage for food (albeit at the pub).

Does Tesco’s not deliver to Ambridge? The food shortage could be solved with a few clicks on the computer (though with a heavy conscience)


Pip still doesn’t see it

It’s obviously going to be a long time before Pip sees Jude for what he is.

After his recent behaviour over her studying, why on earth does she think that he’ll have given even more than a second’s thought about whether she needs cheering up?

And as for Jude taking Pip somewhere special … the ‘man’ doesn’t have a clue!

It’ll be warm cans of cheap larger at a mates party. Pip won’t like it, but she’ll more than likely lump it.

Thursday, 20 May 2010

19th May 2010

  • Dreaded looking like Fanny Craddock
  • What you know about cricket you could write on the back of a fag pack and still have room for War and Peace
  • Brian’s on form
  • You grow the flipping things!

Dreaded looking like Fanny Craddock

I’m sure that’s something we all worry about. Daily.


What you know about cricket you could write on the back of a fag pack and still have room for War and Peace

Harsh Mr Tom’s Sausages (but probably all too true about Jazzer)


Brian’s on form

Forced to partake in cocktails at The Dower House with Matt and Lilian, Brian’s on top-notch form:

“I would rather stick pins in my eyes”

“All that fresh air, I expect” (on Jennifer’s comment to Matt that he was looking good)

“It was like skiing uphill” (at the end of their evening)

“He’s even cagier now than when he was put away – I wouldn’t trust him with a library book”

According to Brian and Jennifer, Matt and Lilian look rock solid. At the moment …


You grow the flipping things!

Second week into her new job, and the cracks are becoming huge between Tom and Brenda.

Why Brenda started cooking everything at the weekend for the week I’ll never know – is Tom completely bereft of any culinary skills? Or is he just lazy? Or has Brenda confused modern day living with a 1950s housewife role?

So while Brenda’s handing out samples (“like being back in a burger van with heels”), Tom can’t even get it together enough to have spuds or veg in the house. Which he grows.

“I’m so tired I’ll tell you where to stuff them”

Quite right Brenda. But you did create this situation by being such a doormat.

I don’t think they’ll be setting their wedding date anytime soon.

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

18th May 2010

  • The gift that keeps on giving
  • The corkscrew has moved, but brandy upstairs ….
  • Ask Kenton about the Sticky Wicket
  • Did I hear silage mentioned?


The gift that keeps on giving


Never mind Eddie and Joe – the good was going while David didn’t know about it.

Of course he has right on his side, but didn’t he seem a bit pompous?

Casting up is never a good thing, and telling someone they only got the job because of you doing a good deed is a tad off-hand. Didn’t Eddie have a part to play in it?

Still – one cannot step on the reputation of Saint David, and he did at least pre-warn Eddie so that he wasn’t fired.

Yet.

The corkscrew has moved, but brandy upstairs …


I know Matt doesn’t have that many fans out there, but I was glad to see him back at home with his Pusscat.

New robe, long shower, good food, a garden to relax in and a lovely woman to share it with.

A happy, fruity sounding Lilian. Just as we like her.

Ask Kenton about the Sticky Wicket

Seriously, I’ve said it before – but does anyone ever say anything nice about Kenton, or take an interest in him?

Did I hear silage mentioned?

That, and the Sticky Wicket, must mean that summer has started.

17th May 2010

  • Shouldn’t Vicky’s optimism be a good thing?
  • A bacon roll and a mineral water wouldn’t see ma granny through Jeremy Kyle
  • I’m fond of you …


Shouldn’t Vicky’s optimism be a good thing?

Well, it should.

So why does her never ending ability to look on the bright side annoy everyone and anyone?

It might be that she’s inappropriate – Lilian was hardly going to thank her for pointing out that Matt’s tag was a good thing as it’d lead to cuddles and wine

It might be that it’s based on an incomplete understanding – Tom makes organic sausages. Where do veal pies fit into that – even with a hint of ham?

Or, it could just be that Vicky’s optimism is an excuse for her to bully and command all she surveys.

The jury is out – until ‘it’ (whatever it is) happens.


A bacon roll and a mineral water wouldn’t see ma granny through Jeremy Kyle


Quite right Jazzer.

She’s need a tin of Irn Bru instead of the water.

I’m fond of you …

Ouch. That just isn’t something you want to hear from the one you’ve just told that you love them.

So – Paul loves Lilian – Lilian wanted to be desired, and thinks Paul is an open, generous, strong and warm man – but values his friendship – and sees her future life as being with Matt.

So Lilian’s made her choice, but is that the end of it?

What about Jennifer and Brian knowing about the whole frisson?

How will Lilian explain she’s even seen Paul, let alone that he’s been in the house, stayed overnight with her at a hotel, fixed her mum’s cooker …

And – what will Paul’s next step be? Will he try another angle? Tell Matt himself?

Or did he have an ulterior motive all along???

Either way, I’m glad the night in the hotel proved to be barren. That just wasn’t Lilian’s style.

16th May 2010

  • Sticky Wicket Bullying
  • Seriously. You can’t say ‘no’ to Vicky
  • The bull or an early night?
  • Matt scores the decider, with only one night to go


Sticky Wicket Bullying


Yup. It’s Alistair bullying about the sticky wicket. Again.


Seriously. You can’t say ‘no’ to Vicky


Mike couldn’t.

Brenda failed.

Ed’s going to hate to use that adjustable spanner to make her listen.

And even the normally self-serving Tom couldn’t stop Vicky’s march forwards.


The bull or an early night?

Tom wants the bull, Brenda wants an early night – but it’s all academic as Brenda has to do the cooking for the week.

Fast forward 20 years into their marriage. Tom is down the pub. Brenda is doing the dishes after cooking Sunday lunch, coping with their 5 kids, wondering where he career, opportunity and life went …

Mind you, that’s assuming Tom even managed to get Brenda down the aisle. Doesn’t look too good at the moment.


And Matt scores the decider, with only one night to go


Was that me, or did Matt sound like a completely different man?

Not sure if he has a great councillor, priest or cellmate inside, but he must be talking to someone who is helping him to notice his mistakes, and apologise for them before he causes any real damage.

And it appeared to be heartfelt.

He’s an idiot. Realised his mistake. Called himself an idiot. Told Lilian that it was her he wanted to come home to. And even realised that he couldn’t take Lilian for granted.

Whether that was all for real or not, Matt could have just grasped Lilian away from Paul, with only seconds left of injury time.

14th May 2010

  • Lycra and six packs
  • Now you’ve got to shut up and listen to me
  • “Whatever finesse means”
  • “Put the pie veal into the pie”


Lycra and six packs

So Jazzer reckons Harry

“persuaded her to let him move in”
And he also feels hard done by that Fallon never asked him to move in.

Ach Jazzer. Get a grip, dinnae fash about Harry and play it calm wae Fallon.

Otherwise, you’re in danger of being a real pain, not far removed from the behaviour of a certain Miss Pip Archer …


Now you’ve got to shut up and listen to me

Atta a girl Lilian! If Matt won’t stop to think about you, make him

Still – considering Matt doesn’t believe even Peggy and Ted are just good friends, you’ve no chance of persuading him about yourself and Paul.


“Whatever finesse means”


Ah. Thanks for the clarification there Tom. There was me thinking you were a cultured, educated guy.

Mind you, the fact that you’re still moaning about Brenda having to do all her ironing and the cooking for the week on one of her days off speaks volumes.

If I were you, I’d keep an eye out for Brenda having to ‘work late’ on a regular basis – especially when all you can offer is a night at the bull. While I reckon a quiet night in at the local is the perfect Friday night – that’s probably because my village doesn’t even have a local – and I’m not a 20-something like Brenda.

Also watch out for not being sensitive around Helen. She’s only going to get worse, and worse, and worse, and worse ….


“Put the pie veal into the pie”

Seriously – shouldn’t Vicky go onto Dragons’ Den? She’d be marvellous.

Vicky has a great sense of when a customer is, or isn’t, going to buy.

And her product development is second to none.

Still. She can be very, very persuasive. Just ask Mike …

Thursday, 13 May 2010

13th May 2010

  • Grundy’s Field Campsite
  • It’s not worth it Eddie!
  • South Africa just doesn’t compare to Felpersham
  • “Oh thank God” that’s Jude’s car


Grundy’s Field Campsite


For once, the Grundy’s are right and Brian is wrong.

Though I doubt that have done the Health and Safety checks – you can set-up a campsite with minimal facilities.

So what’s next?

Someone hurts themselves and they get sued? Wild stag parties that create havoc by trying to cow tip? The cows revolt and stampede through the campers? Floods? Joe selling his cider then getting arrested for having no licence?


It’s not worth it Eddie!

You’ll get caught – fired – then in major trouble with Clarrie.

Your dad Joe is just like having a devil on your shoulder.



South Africa just doesn’t compare to Felpersham

Sorry Kate. But it has to be utter bollocks that only Felpersham has the right course.

Still, can’t wait for the fireworks on your return!


“Oh thank God” that’s Jude’s car


Well that was something I didn’t see David ever saying.

I can see why he and Ruth felt they needed to compromise, but am truly gutted Jude is being let back onto the farm. The little swine will only think he’s won.

Still, it’s a good sign that Pip wanted to come home, and was heard to utter “my own fault.”

Maybe there’s hope yet? Or, now that she’s back at home, there’s always the ‘lock ‘em in’ solution.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

12th May 2010

  • This Charming Man
  • Don’t they have TV in prison?
  • Now that’s a wonderful range of choices for an ex-con
  • Lovely
  • Does anyone give Kenton a break?


This Charming Man

My word – how Jennifer’s attitude to Paul has changed!

She’s gone from warning Lilian to not have anything to do with him, to being genuinely happy to see him, apologising for interrupting one of his and Lilian’s ‘moment’ and was blatantly trying to encourage Lilian’s attentions to him!

Amazing can happen when Brian gives the okay nod …

Anyhoo – Matt or Paul, Paul or Matt?

It doesn’t sound like life is going to be a heady swirl of wonders with Matt when he gets out. While I admit to not having seen The Sopranos, and have heard it’s quite superb, sitting in and watching it doesn’t sound like Lilian’s cup of gin. Especially when Paul’s shown her London, a nice hotel, and (perhaps) his …


Don’t they have TV in prison?

Or newspapers?

And didn’t the recession kick in well before Matt was banged up?

So – why on earth does he still think property will keep him in the manner he is accustomed to???


Now that’s a wonderful range of choices for an ex-con


So when Matt gets home next Tuesday, he can choose between doing nothing, pottering in the garden or playing golf.

I find it hard to see why that’s such a bad thing. Dodgy property deals, or having time to watch Midsomer Murders.

Hmmm.


Lovely

Glad to hear that Peggy has given into Ted’s charms.

That’s really quite nice, that is.


Does anyone give Kenton a break?


David’s ability to defecate on all thing’s Kenton is well known, but Elizabeth!?!

Poor Kenton. All he wanted to do was show photos of his daughter, and share his enthusiasm for the new look Jaxx.

11th May 2010

  • There’s nothing like getting pregnant with your mum 
  • Could Jude be any more of an utter w***er?


There’s nothing like getting pregnant with your mum

Each to their own, and I suppose if you are having a baby by yourself, there isn’t probably anyone better to be with you than your mum.

Especially Pat, who was heard to utter:

“She’s not pregnant – she’s just fat”

Typical Helen, but she’s massively over convinced that this first time has worked. While Pat was trying to calm her down, it’s going to be a long and painful road from conception, to birth, to toddler stage, to teens, to middle age …. *sigh*


Could Jude be any more of an utter w***er?


Honestly – whereas Vicky has superb entertainment value, Jude is simply devoid of any quality that would suggest he’s more than a one dimensional man-boy.

And poor Pip is falling for it.

She worriedly asks if she’s dull – after (what seemed like) hours of Jude berating her for studying. He tells her she’s too conscientious.

He became very shouty mcshouty – refusing to understand that Pip did need to work – getting angry for Pip apologising – making rash statements, then telling Pip to ‘Believe’ him.

And all of this over a mid-week party?!?

“Well, you’re no fun anymore”

I don’t think you’ve ever been fun, Jude.

Good on you Pip for at least standing up to his flak and not heading out with him. He’s trying to control you – wake up and accept that your dad is actually right …